#{She thinks we're going to bed
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This hotel in Sangmin Dinneaw makes people incredibly horny.
#sangmin dinneaw#this escalated quickly#and yet still the leads are fairly reserved#although I think we're gonna get a flashback to that night they slept in the same bed revealing they hooked up then#but we shall see#I find the thing that sangmin and dinneaw have going on to be so damned charming#the whole sequence of sangmin asking for things to see dinneaw and then doing his whole confused thing he obviously uses#it's all so endearing#I just wish they would tone down the manager character in general she really sqiggs me out on multiple fronts#mdy
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#ok blessings!#I had a very good day actually I was just feeling cranky earlier because pain and talking to relatives. writing to remind my future self.#so!#had a 6 hr shift at work (busy but good for morale because the patients were all nice to me)#came home ate leftover curry and naan for lunch changed out of my scrubs and immediately left for town#(speaking of scrubs..I got new scrubs! they're a gorgeous dark berry color and so comfy and so many big pockets!)#hung out with one of my good friends. we laughed a lot and ran around by the river.#and went to a bookstore and then got tea!#and then in the little rock and roll shop#we ran into a girl I knew in middle school and we got to catch up! sometimes seeing old friends is awkward but this was chill.#and she said I should come back and chat next week! very fun.#also I did so much walking between work and the trail that my legs are sore which is DELIGHTFUL. I haven't worked out in an age.#yapped with my dad for an hour about music! I'm slowly but surely going to get him to like dnd via the sound design of worlds beyond number#now sitting down to answer some asks and then maybe watch some tv and go to bed.#I am so overjoyed and thankful that spring is in the air! even when we get another cold snap we'll just Know it's so so close!!#does marvels for my mood!!#praising God for the best week I've had in a while.#and also that most of my friends seem to be also doing better#this winter was just a Lot and I think we're all relieved and thankful to be looking forward to spring.#blessings#diary
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Can you do another wholesome moment with the contract marriage? Maybe Gil having an extra hard day and Thena finds him very exhausted in his office?
Gil startled at the sound of his office door opening. He had dozed off at his desk, like some old retiree. His body flooded with adrenaline, ready to combat whomever was stupid enough to break into his home office.
But it wasn't an enemy, it was his wife.
Of course it was Thena. He had been in here for hours after telling her it would just be one phone call. Usually, he avoided taking work calls when he was at home in the first place. But it had been urgent. And one phone call had become two, then three.
It was dark in the office. The window behind his chair offered some illumination, spilling in from the garden lighting outside. Thena was walking light as a feline, wearing a white nightdress and a light robe billowing behind her.
Gil closed his eyes again. He didn't need the temptation of his wife's beauty right now. He needed a bed time beer and to lie down on the floor and sleep.
Thena moved closer, inspecting if he was awake or asleep. She had been told to stay out of his office; he had to admit he was surprised she was in here.
But if she was breaking a rule here or there, maybe that was a good thing. So long as nothing got her hurt. She was probably bored, spending all her days in the house or waiting for him to be available to go to a market or a library with her.
"Gil?" she whispered, testing the deepness of his sleep.
He remained still atop his desk (just for fun).
"Gil!" she whispered just a little louder. She came closer, enough to put her hand on his arm. She didn't even really shake him, so much as gently push his arm a little.
He kept his smile directed down at the desk. She was so cute sometimes it was hard to keep it to himself.
"Hm," he heard her make an unhappy little grumble. He did feel bad for probably having made her wait for him to come back out all this time. "I could just wake you."
She could. It wasn't like he would get mad at her for it.
A few of his boys had asked him: "Boss, why do you have her?"
He had everything he needed already, and if he wanted women, he didn't need to have a 'wife' of all things. There were other ways to enjoy the company of a woman, to put it politely, without having one live in his own home.
But he liked having someone at home. He liked indulging Thena, and he liked even more when she refused to indulge him in return. Thena kept him feeling lively and challenged, in a way no one else did.
And, despite him telling her she could leave at any time, she hadn't yet.
"But that seems a little cruel," Thena sighed, leaving him be for the moment. She crossed her arms around herself. She had never struck him as the type to talk to herself; she really did need to get out more. Maybe he should get her a car of her own (confidential plates and tinted windows, of course).
Thena rounded the other side of his chair to continue her snooping. His head was tilted a little more in this direction, but if he kept his eyes mostly closed, she would still believe he was asleep.
"What could have possibly occupied you all night?" she huffed, indeed unhappy she had been made to eat dinner and spend her evening alone. "Your food is in the fridge, in any case."
He bit back a smile again. His wife really was a sweet one. She didn't have to save him any food. She could have just left him to order in for himself at this late hour.
Thena tilted her head at him, her long, blonde locks collecting on the top of the desk. She even reached out, just barely touching some of his hair before snapping her hand back to herself. "Handsome thing--unfortunately."
He would have to remember this for another time. He inhaled, just showing some signs of stirring.
Thena nearly jumped, hurrying to take a massive step away from him and pull her robe around herself.
"Thena?" he groaned, rubbing his eyes. "What are you doing in here?"
She cleared her throat faintly as he ruffled his hair. "I was just heading to bed when I noticed you were still in here."
He just nodded.
"Was it-"
He looked at her. He was admittedly surprised she was asking more. She - rightfully - had no interest in what he did for work. Pulling teeth and cutting off limbs was the last, deeply sardonic guess she had offered on the matter.
"Was it bad?" she managed to squeak out, her brows drawn together in concern. "I never imagined it would exhaust you so much you would sleep in here."
He inhaled. Falling asleep was an unforseen and unfortunate outcome. He was getting too old to fall asleep on the job. "It's okay, hon. Just some sudden changes the guys needed help resolving."
That was a polite enough way to put it, he thought.
Still, Thena hovered. She shifted her weight between her feet, visibly debating turning and leaving and staying with him. "But it's sorted now?"
"Uh," he blinked, curious as to what had her so determined to stand around with him. "Yeah."
She continued, too, rooted to the spot as he patted the rumpled sleeves of his suit. Her robe swayed around her legs until, finally, she stepped closer to him again. "Come on."
His eyebrows shot up as she held her hand out to him. He followed, though, because it was too tempting not to. "Isn't that my line, sweetheart?"
She rolled her eyes at him, assuring him she was indeed still Thena.
But she held his hand gently, leading him out of his office and away from his self-made dungeon/empire. She led him out of his office and towards the stairs.
"Uh, Thena?" he inquired, but she continued leading. She had never come anywhere near his room, either. At least as far as he knew.
Not even his room was off-limits to her; only his office was. But he was pretty sure she had wanted so little to do with him upon first arriving that she didn't even know where in the house his room was.
"Sleeping like that will kill your back. I know damn well," she muttered as she padded up the stair ahead of him.
He averted his eyes from the swaying of her hips, focusing on how softly her hair shifted on her shoulders. "Yeah?"
"I had a job in reception for a time," she confessed. This marked something she had told him of her own volition--that he hadn't learned from research or observation. "Call it keeping an eye on my father, for a time."
Now, that was a surprise. "Didn't stick?"
She snorted, a sound he didn't hear her make often. But the change from her usual reserved elegance was funny. It suited her, in a way. "Long hours, little pay, and I should have known my father wasn't capable of professionalism in the work place."
Gil skipped a step so he could walk more alongside her and not behind her. That was enough about her rat bastard of a dad. "Well, what job would you wanna work instead?"
She eyed him in the low lights installed close to the steps and flush with the ceiling. "I thought I didn't have to work."
"You don't," he grinned, echoing the words he had first told her upon the signing of their contract. "You never have to work a day in your life and you'll want for nothing. But I know you're bored."
Now she was the one surprised.
"You're bored here on your own, right?" he shrugged, giving her hand a squeeze as they continued on at a snail's pace. "Probably want something to do in the day?"
"Hm," she agreed, but kept the details of what and where and how to herself. That was okay with him, so long as she told him what she needed from him eventually.
"Name the time and place," he left it at that, bringing her hand up to his lips. Not that she needed him to gift her a job for the fun of it. He was pretty sure she hadn't even liked any of his other gifts.
Except that dress from their shopping trip; he knew that one was in the back of her closet.
His room was upstairs. He had considered having her room next to his, but he hadn't wanted her to feel like he was listening to her through the walls or anything. Not that he could; the walls were reinforced stone. He hadn't built this big, beautiful house just to cheap out on the architecture.
Thena didn't just drop him off at the top of the stairs and say 'see ya', though. She walked right over to his room and opened the door for herself.
Gil grinned, following her inside. "You gonna make sure I get to bed on time and everything?"
She gave him a withering look over her shoulder, leading and leaving him to the foot of his massive king sized bed. "At least change out of that suit."
It was uncomfortable to sleep in. The heavy fabric of the sleeves was still bent and wrinkled, scratching at the insides of his elbows. He shrugged the jacket off, at least. "You don't have to help me."
"No," she walked out of his closet with a clothes hanger. "I don't. You can manage it yourself like a big boy, I'm sure."
He chuckled; man, his wife was cool. He raised an eyebrow as she tossed it at him. She looked around the room, though, shamelessly examining it for her own purposes. "What do you think?"
"It looks like it does in your office." That was true. The house and even Thena's room he'd let an interior designer handle. Everything was fairly modern in a way that he hoped wouldn't look dated in a year and a half. His room and office, though, had old dark wood fixtures and black accents. "A bit grim, don't you think?"
He laughed at that. "You know what I do for work, right?"
"Doesn't mean you have to-"
She paused, and he looked at her for the reason. She didn't seem to have one, her eyes trailing over him as he unbuttoned his shirt. Their eyes met and, charmingly, she rushed to avert her eyes from him. "I thought you didn't need my help for that."
"Sorry, princess," he puffed, continuing to pull his shirt off anyway. "I thought you didn't care if you got treated like a lady."
"I said you didn't have to treat me like a maiden in a tower," she corrected with a certain bite to it. But still, she rotated herself so he could walk into his closet without her eyes on him.
"Relax, sweetheart," he called out from inside, hanging up his suit that had to be ironed anyway. "I'm not gonna strip naked in front of you."
"That's not-!" a half baked protest warbled out of her.
He shook his head to himself as he retrieved some sweatpants and a t-shirt for himself. Really, he didn't need the shirt, but this was for his wife's sake, he snickered.
Thena just barely dashed her eyes over to him as he emerged. She could play it cool as she liked, he could see how flustered she was. "I trust you can manage from here."
"Hey," he reached out before she could scurry away in horror. He pressed his thumb into her palm. "Thanks for pulling me out."
She had no idea what he meant so deeply in that simple phrase. She wasn't in the business he was in; she didn't know that pulling him out was saving him in more ways than one. So she just nodded.
He grinned, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. "Get some sleep."
"Hm." Her eyes did one last sweep of him, unsure of where exactly to land. She reached for the doorknob blindly, missing a few times before she turned and hurried out of his room and downstairs again.
The sweet scent of her shampoo trailed behind her--not the expensive stuff he'd left her in her attached bathroom, some normal stuff she had bought because she already liked and used it before.
Maybe he would get some of that food from the fridge and bring it up here for himself. Or maybe he would sink into bed already. He could dream of Thena feeding it to him. He laughed at himself.
He was cooked--totally and completely done for. That was okay, though. He didn't think it was a bad thing to have a wife who made sure he didn't put out his back and slept in a proper bed.
#Thenamesh Marriage Contract AU#thank you so much for asking for more!!!!!#I really do like this au#I wanna see more of it#Gil and Thena are figuring each other out#Gil likes having a wife#a man is allowed to feel lonely#in his life as a big scary gang boss#and he really figured Thena would have gone to bed without him#in reality#Thena has been debating breaking the rules and going into his office for hours now#she's ready for bed when she's like ugh just see if he's in there#just ask if he's okay#I hope this is wholesome#but listen#Thena knows her husband is a big beefcake#and she's like uh..........hello?#Gil has made a vow though#nothing will happen between them#I do think Thena will get to a point where she's like#I know we're not really married but come on#she gets a little jealous#and is like I know you have needs but I believe we had a contract deal#the tension grows thick#I really do hope you like it thank you for the ask!
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writing elias is fun for, i expect, the same reason a lot of people find the dark urge fun: I know more or less what's going on with her and she's got no fucking clue. she's a very information-driven person, and as soon as she realises that there is some largely indefinable difference between her and the rest of them she immediately starts trying to catalogue it and narrow it down. it's interesting to write someone who is so deliberately aware of themself and observing themself all the time
#TO BE CLEAR: the 'indefinable difference' that she clocks has fuck-all to do with the biting ripping maiming killing thing#in the beginning of act ii and I still don't think she's realised that that's not normal#she hangs out with folks who do violence all day every day. she doesn't register a difference between murder and combat#it's all killing when it comes down to it. method and reasoning don't seem super relevant to the social acceptibility#which is why she's so blindsided by everyone's intense reactions to alfira's death#like what do you MEAN you think this is disgusting. i watched you behead a guy YESTERDAY#i actually think that the first things she registers are v different and less visible. more relevant to the#divinely crafted flesh sculpture side of things. the behaviours of a girl who was made not born#mizora's visit and wyll's transformation is i think when it really clicks that Something Is Amiss#no. 1 red flag is when she sees wyll being magically compelled to move in that one scene and she goes Oh his legs are walking without him!#he's walking like how i walk :)#... this is the first time that ive ever seen anyone walk how i walk. hm.#+ she watches his transformation and is filled with captivated vaguely envious ecstasy and also deep nauseating fear#first time in her memory that she ever felt scared#she sets those things aside because they don't feel immediately relevant and she doesn't know what they mean.#but they make her aware of a gulf that she can never disregard going forward. and it makes it much easier to compartmentalise#her relationships going forward. and subtly distance herself from everyone but astarion (mutually blackmailing bestie) when (in her eyes)#everyone turns on her with immense distrust for no reason#(so we're back to killing ten hundred sapient creatures a day while we wander around.#but i ask for help understanding the cause of one homicidal somnambulism episode and suddenly I'M the bad guy. sure ok)#bit of a ramble for 1am but#Whatever. NOW i'll go to bed#elias tag#bg3#durge
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Girlfriend managed to hurt herself getting out of bed to pee so now we're both up at 5:30am on 4 hours of sleep, then I went to make coffee and forgot to put a cup under the machine so I got to clean every surface within 10 feet of the coffee maker. I'm about to just go back to bed for 24 hours and start again tomorrow.
#my words#bad luck#geef#(girlfriend or gf and no real names so geef it is)#I helped her bandage her hand and she felt guilty for waking me up#and me being unable to go back to bed#then I made the coffee mess because I was distracted thinking about her hand#I didn't tell her that part#and she helped me clean it up so now I feel bad too#'if I hadn't woken you up you wouldn't have spilled the coffee' okay sure#and if my parents didn't meet I wouldn't be here#we're not gonna do that right now
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did it work. is stein president now. did it make you feel better
#your tax dollars still fund this shit. you did nothing but throw away your vote#she's losing by a fucking landslide right now im trying to pretend the blue wave hasnt hit yet but it's looking fucking bleak man#trying to pretend my life isnt over too but i cant even count the amount of rights we are about to lose#rights we've already lost that we were gonna fight to take back#rights we're taking for granted right now that we cant even imagine losing#hell we're gonna lose our damn education at this rate#keep everyone too dumb to thinks for themselves that way they can keep their fucking death grip on this country#we let ourselves get overrun by a mass cult. what the hell is going on man#to everyone who voted third party lets see what good he does for palestine. this is what you picked#the man who said he would ''make them pay''#maybe she'll pull through somehow but im just gonna go to bed...
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I have a nice little recording area set up in our spare room and my cat DOES NOT like it at all. Like she has been sitting on the other side of the door like "MOM I CANT SEE YOU WHEN THE DOOR IS CLOSED LET ME IN I PROMISE I'LL BEHAVE" (she wont)
Like cat I love you very much but you are literally the reason I moved my recording stuff into the only room in the house with a proper door...
#i am now in bed and by the way she's acting youd think I just got back from the war#i love you too cat youre my precious baby but Im sorry I dont think soft purring and meows are appropriate for voice over samples#yes it's very cute and endearing but I dont think thats what we're going for here...#thetalkingbones
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ooh okay. lemme just say, i was onto something with the weakness chart idea??
#a lot of us counter each other. burden's need to shoulder every responsibility vs evie's hold on our chronic pain making it hard to do that#songbird wanting to create vs chamomile wanting to sleep. distance's need to isolate vs juliet's want to love our friends. yknow how it is.#whimsy opposes jaded (<- this is so funny to write in third person bc we're both co-fronting lmao hjglkj) which is self explanatory.#none of us directly oppose faucet. yearning kinda? but she still abides by [ ] mostly lmao and faucet will let her through sometimes#scotts just wants to be affectionate. faucet doesn't like the vulnerability involved but [ ]'ll concede. 🏵️ is a whole different story#🏵️ is. faucet does not want him to form for a reason‚ i'll say that much :/#faucet has a lot of mixed feelings on him actually. it's so fucking complicated. the rest of us are unsure about him too?#maestro's also kinda mad at the guy but that's mostly because we've been a neat and tidy ''24 and a Core'' for a while hjgklgj#<- guy who hates things that break his organized status quos lmao#well. if he exists we can't make him stop existing just because faucet doesn't want him. still. yeesh.#fun facts!! 🏵️ is brainmade as usual (i again remain da only introject :P hjglk) he uses he/she/they pronouns! he's... not a facet??#i don't know if they're actually a part of the main system... whats the word... floater? straymate? i dunno!! shrugs??#he has a name. we can't use that name. but she doesn't want another name (we've tried offering some). so we're just calling them 🏵️.#arugh. complicated. anyway!! she's also just. so sad. so constantly inconsolably sad. holy shit man hjglkj.#he's also cryptic as FUCK he talks like he's reciting prophesies lmao??? but i think he has to be vague to get faucet to let him speak.#oooh this sucks!! we are a conflicted enough system as is so this is gonna be interesting to say the least!!#if she sticks around we'll make an sp thing for her even if faucet doesn't want us to. it's only fair...#💫#🍂#okay. going to actually get food for the day. we've been huddling in bed this whole time until someone decided to put our sweater on hjglkj
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No bc if this guy isn't into me he needs to Stop making me feel some type of way lmao
#not snz#it is past 3 am#and we're texting bc i said i have to be up all night and he decided he would stay up with me lmao#my little creature decided to have Issues And Problems as she always does when absolutely everything is closed#she's not sick this time at least but I'm stressed nonetheless and have to stay awake with her#and bro is out here still texting with me so i don't have to be up all alone this time#like excuse you don't show concern for me and my babies if you don't want me to make heart eyes lmao#on a real note tho i am so fucking tired#i wanted to go to bed early tonight and instead i have to stay awake#like man i just wanna think my thoughts and go to sleep but instead I'm half awake trying to use critical thinking skills#with any luck tho i shouldn't have to be up much longer#so fingers crossed there bc i don't even feel like a human person rn 😭#also i know him staying up with me means literally nothing bc i do it all the time for my coworkers#but it's still making me feel things 😔#partner posting
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if my next roommate dares talk on the phone as much as my current roommate does we're gonna have a problem
#gonna set the rule from moment one: if you gotta talk on the phone you either go on the balcony or anywhere that is not the shared bedroom#she's been on the phone for one hour and a half straight#and she does this every fucking day multiple times a day#i had 3 eps of nocturne left to watch which amount to 1hr30 sharp. momentarily disregarding the fact that i'd have anjoyed watching it...#...in my cozy bed instead of sitting on the cold couch. i left the room when she'd already been on the phone for a good 20 mins or so#i came back and she was still on the phone. this was 10 mins ago. she's STILL on the phone#every fucking day and night this girl just has to talk on the motherfucking phone. why not just. text. no. she has to make calls. 80s style.#at least you had to pay back then. nowadays it's free. so. yeah. why not spend a total of four fucking hours a day talking on the phone?#next roommate is gonna get an earful on the first phonecall that she starts in my presence while we're both in the bedroom. idgaf.#and yes i already told this one that she talks way too much on the phone but i said it jokingly at first so now she still thinks i'm kidding
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i am so glad this week is finally (almost) over
i had an appointment with my pcp on monday to see about this possible kidney stone situation
they did a urinalysis on me and sure enough i do have some blood in my urine so that plus the pain means it's likely there's a stone, but i'm in a situation again where i haven't had any pain for days so it's like...that's not good !! (especially since this has been going on for a few months at this point !)
they ordered me a ct scan which i had today so i'm hoping maybe sometime tomorrow i'll get the results of that and we can maybe figure out what's going on
i also had a dentist appointment on wednesday but it was just a cleaning and my dentist said everything looks good. it is kinda funny because i was actually supposed to have this appointment months ago but decided to reschedule because i had too much going on that week and so it got pushed out until now and then i end up having even more shit to do this week than i did back then so...oh well !! it's finally done
and tomorrow i've gotta do some of my usual errands (mostly taking the garbage off and getting a few things from the grocery store) and then i think i'll finally be done !! hopefully !!
hope you have a good, restful weekend coming up if you're reading this !! <3
#i'm just hoping and praying at this point that i've passed the stone if that is what it is#and that i don't get a call about this ct and it's like#uh hey you're gonna need a procedure to get this thing out before you start to go septic again#just....please god not again#but i guess if that is the situation then we'll just deal with it#anyway#in any case i at least got all my work done for the week so that's something#i've had to work later to make up for all the time i've been out at these appointments but i did it !!#and now hopefully this weekend i can just......rest#please god#i do have a lot of stuff i need to look over for school because i have a meeting with my student advisor next week#and although i appreciate him sending me all this information it's.....a lot#and i'm kind of starting to panic now like 'uh-oh!! uh-oh what have i gotten myself into ?!'#but i'm gonna just...power through it and keep going#because i really want this now and it's probably gonna add a bunch of stress to my life#when i already don't really have a lot of room for that but#i think in the end it'll be worth it#so that's what we're holding out for#and in the mean time if my body could just.....not have any more health problems#that would be fucking amazing thank you#anyhow#i didn't get a lot of sleep last night so i'm gonna go to bed now#it's just gonna be me here this weekend because mom's off with her boyfriend#which is fine i like having the place to myself#but i also have to take care of our dog by myself and he's way more attached to her than me#so he tends to be super anxious when she's not here#and so we're gonna do our best with that as well#but part of that also means i gotta get up ass early to let him out to go potty#so i'm gonna go get a few hours in before it's time for that#and then once i run my errands tomorrow i can maybe hopefully finally unwind a little
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really annoying and cruel and evil and messed up all my friends don't live in the same city. ive got so good at being alone ive convinced myself i could live the rest of my life alone and never be any less happy, and i still believe that, but then we have a good conversation or they make me laugh too much and it's like. oh. this is what it's all about. why can't we all live in the same building
#tonight we're thinking about all the things we never knew we were missing out due to Circumstances in childhood#not in a woeful way in an aweful way#like what else are they right about i didn't know i was neglecting#i wanna move out of america and see what society is like when its community oriented we are not supposed to live so distrustful and private#but we weirdly pride ourselves on our imposed victimhood not realizing its a symptom#of trauma#i guess#that word is overused but i feel the definition matches the use here#in america we are divided into competitors and isolators-the two archetypes of traumatized children. only competitors are rewarded here#bc america itself from day 1 has been a rebellious little shit trying to prove its place in the world as a big kid to be taken serious#idk im half drunk its 3am ive been watching the same 4 episodes of greys anatomy with shorty bc she keeps falling asleep and rewinding it#so what da fuk do i know meredith grey has been dying of covid for leik 80 hours and im just happy to be here#half drunk is stretching it i finished her 4loko bc she asked me to and i did bc i am hispanic and would have my ass BEAT if i waste#i miss so many people i hope they can feel it when i send love their way#“so many” the peoples absence i carry like the ache in my bones this particular night is two and one of them is dead lol#oh we are about to spiral if we keep this up im going to bed instead
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I was just listening to a song I used to love while we were friends. I listened to it so often, we talked so often, it became the background music to our relationship.
I'm listening to it while I knit. I often forget that I started knitting because of you. I remembered tonight. It's strange, I never knitted anything for you. I've knitted for other loved ones, rarely for myself, but never for you. I remembered you showing me the amazing things you made, and I wished I could get to that level of skill. But at that time, you had to explain to me how to purl because I couldn't get it.
Everything reminds me of you in a terrible way. Everything I do is an echo of you. I started painting so that I could paint for you. I started knitting to bond with you. I hear your voice in the music I listen to. You're haunting the things that I love. Will I ever make a brush stroke or stitch without you on my mind?
#i should be able to block all music i listened to on Spotify from 2018-2020. i was not doing well and i dont need the reminders pls#im fine this was just kinda reflective#so much of what i do was inspired by her. i havent spoken to her in three years. we havent been friends for five#but my first painting was a gift to her. i started knitting because she knitted. i got so much music from her#we bonded heavily over music. and i used it to cope after she left. so unfortunately shes mixed into so much of it#she got me into dnd which got me into a different ttrpg im playing now (unknown armies)#shes a big reason i applied to the summer camp i worked at for six years#and a big reason i took the position i had the last two years. and the reason i told our camp legend (long story)#she was in my christmas in july gift i gave and received this year#i dont think ill ever be able to forget her. on good nights thats a good thing. its reassuring. she'll always be with me#but on bad nights. i feel like im never going to stop missing her#i was knitting tonight while listening to music. as the post suggests. and i was just overcome with her#this is the bed i was in when she called and left me. this is the bedroom we used to video call to practice sign language in#oh theres another one. i was going to be an asl interpreter. years ago in another life. i always practiced with her#we're both autistic and asl is easier than speaking a lot of the time#fuck. it reminds me of the ship of theseus. its 2:30am so i wont be able to explain well but#no actually i tried and i cannot explain. youll just have to understand. some days i wish i ciuld replace all the parts that were her#and sometimes im so afraid to lose the parts that were her because thatll feel like losing her#if i ever consciously decided to stop knitting (which i may have to do soon) it will feel like im replacing a board that was hers#how many of my boards are hers? are any of hers mine anymore? how many of hers can i lose before shes gone?#that last one was asked with fear and hope. and fear. depending on the day#god im tired. goodnight
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it's been awhile since i was in any production i forgor how much of it - esp when you're close to the end - is just. doing the same things over and over again. maybe changing outfits sometimes. Man
#show in 8 days let's go.........a#tbh we only just reached the 'do the exact same things over and over' stage now#and even still experimenting here and there lmao 😭#so ig it's at least fresh :P#did i tell y'all that my role got bigger? thankfully no script and i think it's p fun but since it's all movement i worry that i'll stumble.#or drop my stuff. which is fine at certain points but not all of them. i hope for the best tho 🥺#i'm generally approaching it in good vibes lately i noticed 😳#possibly bc. we usually have 2 directors but now we're working exclusively with one and she is wayyyy more chill#(well. more anxious. but she never gets angry or loud and she goes along with what we ask n such)#(ironically it used to be that i always ditched on one of her days but now i feel less stressed abt them. so it's fine now 🫡)#(starting to suspect that a lot of my anxiety is actually related to the other director but that's smth to unpack later.)#anyway ignore my rambling i need to sleep but also ehhhhhhhhhh my phone time in bed.....😔💔
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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harbinger voice lines..............
#yes i should have been in bed two hours ago but we're going through it#this week i will be mentally unwell because of this fuckign video game#miscellaneous#me editing the pre-arle note on my fic: im so sorry i did not fully predict her right please dont be mad#//spoilers for her voice lines#but i do love that she fucking detests dottore and thinks pantalone is full of shit#even if i wrote her more sympathetic toward them in the fic#like her hating them would change the entire context of the chapter so i dont want to attempt to edit it. like the story is done#gah i knew this would happen. and now im at the point where i just need to sit and bear my inaccuracies but it's Hard#it's why i def dont want to write any more fanfic until we get more details about these fuckers#because i hate being wrong ;o;#and i hate getting attached to my 'wrong' headcanons#at least everything we know about pantalone so far fits with what i wrote#now im rambling i need to get the fuck to bed
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