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paracosmicdelight · 11 days ago

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With everything going on in my life right now

It seems like a good time to make a pinned post

Hi, my name is Gabriel N. [redacted]

I grew up moving around a lot and was blessed to meet some amazing people a long the way

There was a group of hippies I met one summer that helped me through a particularly tough time

Their presence and comfort changed my life forever

At a time in my life when all I wanted to do was run away from everything that made me

<[({trading the violin for basketball} music for money) robotics for bucket lists] authenticity for acceptance conflated with love and affection>

They handed me a pen

In those dark times it felt like freedom

To have a voice I could share

To bask in their light

To nurture a gift among like minds

To have a safe place to learn

There came a point on the cusp of that darkness that decisions had to be made

To keep moving forward into the light or stay bound to everything we knew

I couldn’t leave my family

[I didn’t understand why my friends called them my baggage or (outside of the systemic cat and mouse game) why there was such mutual resentment] <{like crabs in a bucket} or pots and kettles>

We all went our separate ways

I watched them shoot to the top of their craft

We listened to my stories of heartbreak and familial strange ways over distant electric airwaves

As we grew

I wanted to be where they were

I just didn’t think there was space for me

I wasn’t commercially pretty…

I didn’t believe I was pretty enough

Vanity stifled our growth and shackled me to a life I was always meant to outgrow

Sick as it was I selfishly did whatever I could to live in both worlds

To appease my family I let go of the arts and focused on a career that could make “real money” as they said

[Or so they thought

I actually kept writing (as a ghost) and worked multiple jobs while going to school to be a mental health provider]

I was trying to save up to transfer to a school out there and dual enroll to finish my MSW while getting the remaining credits I believed I needed to earn a seat where they sat

Unfortunately

After I was raped, I decided to have weightless surgery and finally make the move

But my health declined almost as rapidly as the weight fell off {I started saying if I had know I would have just forwent the surgery stayed fat and died happy} *light blasphemy*

It has always been one thing to battle anxiety depression and complex ptsd

This was different though

My hands and feet started turning pale white even going blue at times

The cold started to burn

All of the lights dazed me and when exposed too quickly I would even drop to the floor

I lost control of my bladder at times {on and off switch}

My hair fell out in a pattern only Cynthia could understand

I would collapse randomly still awake just stuck in the dark immobilized shell

I would shake and tremor uncontrollably like I was doing the Humpty Dance

I would sweat buckets like I was on hotones with no milk {got heat stroke one Father’s Day that was cool}

I couldn’t regulate my heart either ({like when it spiked to 200bpm} stressing my cute capybara self out)

They ran tests and despite things consistently coming back abnormal I was told it wasn’t a worry as they were subclinical abnormalities

They said it was probably just a side effect of the weightloss surgery I had [i really thought if I was thin enough or could get the series of cosmetic surgeries I’d be marketable enough to stand next to them (next to hymn)]

Tbh that deflated me

I’d done everything right

Why wasn’t my life coming out perfect

I obeyed my parents

I went to school

I got good grades

I graduated

(To a degree) I pursued my dreams

I went to church twice on Sunday and once on Wednesday whenever the doors were open <[({despite the creeps that lurked} and old ladies who could bless your heart) but not rebuke the devil] smiling in their face>

Why then in America’s good name was my life falling apart instead of falling together

I was persistent

<(Especially since I was finally able to be near hymn)> [{as if I wasn’t the main character of my own show smh}]

We even had plans to get married and start our family in two years <[({he even said it in an interview} which was huge because before he wouldn’t go public with me) out of fears and trauma he had to heal] be kind to hymn>

So I trusted the hospital I worked at to handle my medical care

I trusted them

Unfortunately

They weren’t humble enough to admit they didn’t know what to do or to follow instructions from specialty providers so they threw medication at it until I was taking (2700mg of gabapentin, 200mg Zoloft, ~60mg of a muscle relaxer, and enough Tylenol and medical marijuana to keep me functional through my 12hr shifts and school work)

I worked what ass I did have off

No matter what it took <[({management had a deal with me} as long as I came in to work) no matter what happened] they’d handle it> until my FMLA kicked in and I’d be safe to rest when I needed

I obeyed

Even when I felt death <[({like when you tapped out mid shift and later learned you felt like a bag of flaccid phalluses because I actually had Covid} I cried with my coworkers) scared that in our current state] we couldn’t win that fight>

I rested and made it through

Then there was the time my car wouldn’t start and they held my occurrences over my head so I took an uber to work as asked and was told I was unprofessional for not wanting to talk <[({the lights were loud} my migraine was louder) she was the loudest]> and after collapsing and having a seizure in front of patients and a set of parents l was told to uber back home by the charge nurse despite coworkers offering to take the <30minute round trip

*i do miss some of the staff there {mostly the kitchen staff they fed me well (that Mango salsa though 🤤) and held my head in their laps once when they found me collapsed in a back hallway} <wild day>

It was downhill after that

<[({Despite the year of agreements} presentations) being a quarter away from graduation] and moving up positions like my last name was Jefferson>

I was fired

They denied my unemployment stating I was a noncompliant employee and they had to let me go because I refused to adhere to policy

We had to go to federal court to settle things despite my efforts

Even then I was alone <[({I lost all contact with friends and coworkers who chose to be silent and not get involved}) even lawyers didn’t want to take the case because they felt it wasn’t enough money for their time]>

[(I’m thankful for the few who did still text and the one who helped me keep getting to appointments)]

Court went well

Thank God

<[({I self represented} won the case 💅🏾✨) and was paid what they owed me] after they shenaned again>

It wasn’t enough to stay and pursue my dream though

Even with maxing out my student loans and taking a lighter load I couldn’t bring in enough money to stand on my own two since none of the jobs I applied for were able to accommodate me

A trip to the Patrick’s Instrument Clinic revealed there could be more going on than what was being said

After I offered the neurologist the symptom logs and case notes I maintained he declined to look at them and told me “it’s probably nutritional you’re smart though you’ll figure it out”

That lit a fire under me <[({I was so mad} and scared) and lost] and frustrated>

I couldn’t let it defeat me though

I refused

With no other choice but to move back to the hell I had pulled a Jonah to escape

I went back

I fought one more case with help this time and was awarded government benefits

<[({Which after debt and cost of living} and what my parents charge me to stay minus chores and labor) is just enough to get essentials like pads and floss] no snacks>

I haven’t been able to pay on the student loans that kept me afloat through graduation either they just sit staring at me from the shadows of my mind holding the figment of our collective imagination [which is a credit score] for ransom

Since being back I learned some of my collapsing is due to a narcolepsy-1 diagnosis <[({which makes me your favorite} fainting) GO]AT>

Now most of the times Day’n’Nite seem inseparable

My realities seem to blend wildly

At first it was a nightmare

Old friends I had shared meals, holidays, beds with even turned on me

Even helping the one rapist I reported find me

They hopped on my back porch laughing and pounding on the door to get me to come outside

I felt trapped in that house in a new suffocating way

I thought to call hymn…any of my Bois really

I didn’t want to be a burden..

I also didn’t trust anything anymore either

<[({Family} friends) systems] perception>

I had to figure out how to get my ten toes back on the ground and anchor myself

I wanted to know I could without anyone holding my hand

I still listened to their music though

I’m so thankful they kept their promises

vows..

…I’m proud of hymn still too

Diverging from the drama

I chose to lay the past to rest and focus on making a new name for myself

One of redemptive purpose

I couldn’t keep living as the pariah <[({having a degree I couldn’t make real money with} felt worse than flunking out of FIU) freshman year] or each time I killed a part of myself to fit in somewhere that really didn’t care if I was present just enjoyed what I brought to the table> having my family look down on me

[having had my apple pie and cornbread cookies I low key get it though lol]

{im still learning not to laugh at things i don’t think are funny} <(but are actually low key sad)disappointing>

*i wonder if socialization has any bearing on disease presentation*

I started studying my illness

I got off prescription medication and hoarded my marijuana containers to log their profiles in hopes of correlating medication levels with symptom occurrences and severity 👍🏾

I went to all my appointments even when doctors denied me care due to diagnostic+ biases <[({like the med student who cited belly pain as the reason for my imaging request to insurance when I stated the sliding hiatal hernia I have was beginning to protrude more with less strain} then a year later sang a different tune when I brought in medical records proving it existed) or when my concerns of altered intracranial pressure due to reduced cerebral compliance from the surgery and extensive history of head trauma *and the weird leak from my nose or the underwater high pitched Eustachian tube symptoms i was shunted for came back* ] was dismissed with a paragraph the lengths of which I’ve only seen a disgruntled partner send someone who doesn’t care enough and was told to leave the clinical work to clinicians>

[as if I didn’t have a master’s level clinical degree and research science background since undergrad]

*None-the-the-less*

I kept trying to give and do what I could

Like trying to finish the database I started during internship <[({the one to help college students locate resources on campus after they’ve experience sexual violence} because I had a visitor on the hotline during internship that wouldn’t get medical care out of fear that their insurance would send the bill to their parents and disclose what happened before they were ready to talk) something I could relate to] and knew it could cost them their hope of justice>

It’s been hard to sit down and face it

While:

Tottering between realities

Fighting old demons

Seeing familiar fiends

That earth shattering punch in the face that was accepting who my family is and how they handle things

The straw that broke the camel’s back before ladies day brunch

I knew I couldn’t keep the act up anymore

Something had to give

I wanted to be free from the life and character I had committed to and it took a different kind of sacrifice

<[({ego} pride) fear] the blood of a raging bull>

All poured out at the altar

The therapist I had at the time wasn’t much help save being a good mirror [he spent most of our virtual sessions scrolling on his phone and despite expressing my goals didn’t play an active role in accountability or guidance (he did do well one session when there was an intern present) which helped me realize he could perform his role he just didn’t value doing so with me]

IT did help me increase some of my stats though

In the little green pond that was his office

I saw my reflection clearly

I started speaking despite feeling unwanted or unheard

I started talking about the friends that were bullies <[({bird girl and her racists jokes} catfishes) fairies] the reds and the blues>

It’s where I started talking about my family

Honestly admitting what was done and how I felt about it

That I still loved them and stretched my capacity to understand people and life in order to continue forgiving and loving

It gave me the strength to say

Loudly <[({Like James!})]>

What I did and didn’t want

How I would and would not accept being treated

Who I was willing to be in this life

Who I wanted to be.

As if the world really were mine..

[Freed my mind]

(Floated into the sea)

{buried fear}

I woke up

Now I’m here

Writing

Hoping one of my Bois <[({hymn})]> will see me posting again and reach out

[we’ve been tumblr rats since the oldengolden dais of this app lol (actual giggle)]

I don’t need saving or want any drama

I am awake enough to say

I don’t want sex

I would like your company through these dark times while I write <[({Mii})]> story though

I think there are Parts I’m missing or may not remember completely <[({then again} some things may be better off) forgotten] and buried>

[iDK yet]

(I guess)

<{We will *see*}>

If you made it this far wow

Thank you for giving such time to listening to my story and learning about little old me <[({my love languages} listening) and] learning>

I hope you stick around as I get more active <[({now that I have a power chair} and will have enough spoons) to get offline/back] outside> and share more of my life with you all

Just in time for summer!

[P would be so Happy]

with Overflowing Authenticity&Sincerity,

-GNX

PS118: SoapMan I lost your Moesha DVD and I’m sorry I wasn’t honest about it sooner 😅

#tldr #peekaboo #👻#paracosmicdelight #🌎💛⛄️🪄🌈🌞💫✨

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