#((establishing the timeline...coming full circle LOL))

[yearnstarved]

ELLY TRAN'S TIMELINE ( inspired by @promdeath ) - canon arc

SEASON 01 / elly's debut has her already seated at the support group circle or placing little handouts in each seat. she chastises people for showing up late to establish 1. (a false first impression) she's an insufferable busybody, 2. maybe not everybody takes this as seriously bc it's actually a joke but they still elect to show up bc they're good noodles.

s1 was so good at playing on misinformed first impressions, that i think the audience would think elly's your typical 90s mean girl/bitch. elly watches maddie like she's picking the new girl part atom by atom. she'll come off a little annoying and suspicious the way she tails maddie here and there and reports it back to (INSERT CHARACTER HERE. this could be you!) and it comes off so catty and gossipy.

it's around the time everybody learns she can talk to simon that elly softens. we find out she's fascinated with maddie, actually. on some level, elly was envious that everybody accepted maddie so quickly and easily. elly tries, she tries so hard to fit in with everybody and to try to nail mr. martin's assignments so she can cross over. it's when she finally talks to maddie about how she died, how the others found her looping, that we see elly stop moving like she has to prove herself. no actual flashbacks though.

nonetheless, she would die for maddie by the end of this conversation LOL she believes that if maddie wins, they all win essentially!

the last we see of her is when she reminds everybody about homecoming celebrations and organizes things like the banner painting.

SEASON 2 / mr. martin's betrayal leaves elly at a full loss given her relationship with blindly relying on authority figures for guidance. everything points to what feels like an inevitability of them being trapped here forever and being transformed into shells of themselves. after a hard talk with rhonda, elly chooses to enter her scar much to rhonda's dismay. the audience experiences elly's scar as she confronts it for the first time in almost 30 years. she comes out of it running into wally and letting yet another friend see her in a vulnerable state.

she is SILLIER this season. she pops up unexpectedly like that scene in the office where angela pops up and dwight is jumpscared. but otherwise she has her nose in all the books scanning mr. martin's notes and essentially summarizing things for the others. this is just WHAT SHE DOES.

and while the other ghosts are paired up or smashing she will be taking her first steps alone out of the school building at night bc she's never gone out without someone accompanying her due to the way she died. she has a fear of looping and nobody finding her but now she gets to conquer that!!!

as the group speedruns through their scars, i think it would be fun for one of the ghosts to smash the window on the car that elly died in. think of the imagery of the red smoke billowing out and her friends defending her against her mental bullies like, "anybody else have anything they wanna say??"

and likewise, we don't see a lot of her physicality through the show. maybe when wally dropped the football elly deftly weaves between football players and picks it up, passes it to charlie, who then throws it back to wally. (y'all rmr when rachel berry played football? LMAO)

SEASON 3 / she would be nice to simon bc she knows he's special to maddie tbh!!!

if wally takes over simon's body, she and others will literally go pull him back by his ears somehow DON'T PISS ME OFF.

[cheshiresartblog]

Demon/Angel Thing

Alright. Due to popular demand I’ll start with this one.  Also, straight up, I literally do refer to it as “the demon/angel thing” cause I don’t come up with titles until the end.  Also I started this entire thing when I was 14 years old. I’m 24. So this is my longest running world I guess. I have a lot of worlds I’ve made over the years. I will admit my dirty little secret here, but what jump started this for me was watching Black Butler for the first time as a kid. Got me interested in the whole demons and angels thing. That’s where the similarities end, though. 

Also, I will not be going really deep into the plot simply because Spoilers since I def wanna make something out of this. 

Stuff below the cut cause it’s  l o n g 

The World

Basically, there are three interconnected realms; Earth, the Heavens and Hell. Also, the Heavens and Hell are not related to the afterlife. That’s a whole other can of worms here that ya’ll already got a bit of a taste of with my BNHA Reapers Au a while back. But yeah. They’re three interconnected realms. The Heavens was made by the God of Order and Hell the Goddess of Chaos. Earth was made by the missing Goddess of Life. Angels are being of Order and Demons are beings of Chaos and Humans fall in between the two. Also I’ve been at a loss for names for the Deities here but I do have two for sure. The Goddess of Life was named Gaia and the Goddess of Chaos was named Lilith. 

Basically Heaven and Hell had always been at odd with each other and Earth was a common battle ground. The earliest I can go with the timeline that’s relevant would be what I call the Princes Era. 

Prince Era (World Statuses) 

Earth: Humanity is young, they are mostly just coming out of their hunter-gatherer stage of things. The planet is mainly used as a battle ground for the warring Angels and Demons, inspiring myths of old to come. Magic is wild and free in this time on the planet. When Lucifer fell it disrupted the ley lines of the planet resulting in a steady decline of the magical on earth for years to come.

Hell: Hell is in chaos itself. While dealing with the war with the Angels they are dealing with heavy infighting between the demon variations and Lilith being unable to completely control her creations. After much thought Lilith decided to choose seven(eight) demons with blood from the seven ruling families to become the first seven Princes of Hell and unite Hell into one unified force to defend themselves properly from the greater threat that are the Angels. 

The first seven(eight) Princes are the following: 

Baphomet of the Superbia family, the Prince of Pride and the next chosen King of Hell whenever Lilith decides to step down. 

Beelzebub of the Grykësi family, the Prince of Gluttony. 

Leviathan (Identical twins Via and Anthel) of the Invidia family, the twin Princes of Envy who both share the identity of Leviathan in the public.

Asmodeus of the Libidine family, the Prince of Lust.

Mammon of the Avaritia family, the Prince of Greed. 

Sathanas of the Ira family, the Prince of Wrath. 

Belphegor of the Tristitia family, the Prince of Sloth.

Notes 1: Prince is just a title here. Sathanas and Beelzebub are women Notes 2: The Princes were all granted the ability to use Hell Fire by Lilith personally after she assessed deemed them all worthy in one way or another. 

Heavens: A world ruled by the God of Order through the chosen King. At the time it’s extremely militaristic. Working under the King and God of Order are the four Archangels; Michael, Lucifer, Gabriel and Raphael. Though, under the surface there’s a rebellion brewing. (I will be honest, I always focused a bit more on the Hell as a world when thinking about this Era.) 

Notes: What sets the Archangels apart here from regular angels besides rank is that they were blessed with the ability to harness the power of Holy Fire, which is something more explained story wise. Just know it would kill the average angel if they tried to use it.

Modern Era

The Modern Era is marked by the a huge event. The destruction of Hell. In their ever going war, 100 years before present time, an attack by the Angels lead to Hell being rendered unstable, which resulted almost half of the population being killed and the other half escaping to Earth. Some kind of peace treaty was made and it allowed the Demons to stay on Earth but with conditions. Also, with this event the Angels too more charge on Earth than they were before and humanity was now pulled fully into the know about Angels and Demons existing. 

This also established something very important to the story itself. The Zones. Most high population areas were split into Human Zones and Demons Zones, with a few cities gaining a third Zone due to the humans refusing to move and/or being sypathetic to the demons. This is the Neutral Zone. Aka, a home for society’s misfits. The main setting of the story is one of these three zoned cities. Right now it’s called Half-Light City but that name is subject to change most likely lol. 

The Zones 

The Human Zone is fairly well maintained for the most part. It has it’s occasional bad section, but those are closer to the Neutral Zone’s border fence. All and all it is the most upkept part of the city and is home to Humans, Angels and Half-Angels. It is heavily guarded and you need an ID to get in from the Neutral Zone, along with the requirement of being human. Demons and Half Demons are not allowed unless summoned. The Human Zone is protected by the Hunters, a group that is somewhat a cross between the police and the military. This section of the city is run by a chosen Council which answers to the Angelic Council of the Heavens. The occupants seem rather ignorant to the going ons of the other parts of the city and seem to go on with life without a second thought. Most of them at least.

The Demons Zone has a surprisingly decent upkeep, but then again they usually have to do it themselves because the money given to them by the city is not that much. The zone is mostly populated with full Demons, with the occasional Half-Demon or Demon with a Human partner scattered about. The fence between them and the Neutral Zone is actually quite open and in a state of disrepair, though Demon Zone residents and Neutral Zone residents alike guard it, it is usually quite easier to pass between these two Zones than it is for either of them to pass into the Neutral Zone. The Demon Zone was formerly run by a Demon Council made of Noble family survivors or descendants but was recently overthrown by a shady organization that needs a new name so bad. I’m so embarrassed of the old name I will not mention it but I will say I abused Google Translate as a teen so bad.

The Neutral Zone is basically the slums with a few nicer parts of town. It's a dreary and gray place at first glance honestly, but underneath that is a sense of unity between its people. Humans, Demons, Half-Breeds of both sorts and Fallen mix fairly well. The Neutral Zone is home to swindlers, mercenaries and all sorts of illegal activity giving it and it’s residents a negative reputation in the Human Zone. The Zone is co-lead by the two leaders of the two biggest Mercenary groups in the zone; the Triad and the Freelancers.

A more detailed description of the Heavens and Hell 

Heavens 

The Heavens are a set of floating islands that float around each other similar to a solar system might. The middle Island is The Capital City, and the roads are literally paved with gold and as well as some buildings being made of gold as well. It’s where the wealthy and powerful often live and is the center of their government. It is the largest single island whereas each other section of the Heavens is more of a string of islands.

The closer a set of islands are to the Capital the more privileged and wealthy the citizens are, and the higher the rank. There are a total of six rings of islands around the Capital. The outermost two hold the most farmland, forests, orchards, etc. Those two rings are the most populated and are where the lesser angels live.

Most Lesser Angels will never see Earth unless they join the military or join missionary work.

There are two islands floating above the Capital. One is the prison and trial area of soon to be Fallen Angels, and the other larger one is for military training. They never move from their fixed positions above the Capital.

While there are trains and such, most Angels get around via walking or flying, though flying is more common.

Angels higher up either dress like royalty or business men/women. Depends on the family. Lower class Angels dress in things like tunics and kinda, you know, greek-type of shit unless their employer gives them a more modern uniform. 

Angels use portals that appear like a glowing mass of light to get around Earth.   Hell

Hell is a Realm that exists solely in an underground location. It is said that the surface is way too hot to even walk upon, let alone live. There are Seven Circles of Hell and each Circle is responsible for a different area of their government, with Pride being the most powerful of them all.

The First Circle is the closest to the Surface and the most resistant to the heat found there. That would be the Wrath Circle. Physically they are the most capable of the variations of Demons and their Noble Family is the one in charge of the Military.

The Second Circle is Lust. Lust demons are the ones in charge of the Magical Regulations in Hell. That being said, they have the most Mages born to them, and some of the most powerful Magic users. They also are in charge of any and all Seers born in Hell.

The Third Circle is Greed. Greed demons are the ones in charge of the economics of Hell.They honestly have the most boring job, but it brings in the most money. They simply don’t mind because hey, the like to hoard riches anyways. They are said to have the biggest hand in the slave trade in Hell though.

The Fourth Circle is Envy. Envy demons are the ones in charge of the Judicial branch of Hell, handling criminals, legal matters, and prisoners. The latest raining families of Envy Demon Nobles have been well known for being cold and unbiased.

The Fifth Circle is Sloth. Sloth demons are the ones in charge of the Health care in Hell to put it simply. Someone has to be in charge of it. It also helps that Sloth demons have the largest amount of natural Healers born in their variation.

The Sixth Circle is Gluttony. Gluttony demons are surprisingly the second in charge after the Pride demons. The Noble Family of the Gluttony Circle has a deep history with the Pride royal family. Other than being the second in command the Gluttony demons are the ones in charge of Education and History keeping.

The Seventh and most powerful Circle is Pride. The Pride demons are the ones that run things, they are in charge of all the other Noble Families, and contain the Royal Family and the current ruling King or Queen of Hell. They have the final say in everything, but normally let most of the Noble Families run their domain as they see fit to.

Demons have technology based around magic, so magic teleporters, communication orbs, shit like that, is pretty common place.

The Slave trade is common and highly accepted by older demons though the newer generations are beginning to be against it. The slave trade in Hell often consists of captured humans, half demons, Fallen and rarely half angels and extremely rarely angels.

They have a potion that can make a Demon appear like a human for 24 hours meant for spies but a lot of teenagers use it to sneak to earth to party.  

Jewelry is huge in their culture. Like, seriously, so much jewelry.

A lot of Circles are mixed with the type of demons that live there but they usually have a slightly higher population of the type of demon the ring is named after.

I will probably make a separate post going more into detail about the species of angels and demons themselves. Demons, btw, consists of 7 different races of demons separated by sin type. They all have different traits. 

Magic Stuff I guess

Angel Magics (From common to rarest)- Healing, Aura Sight, Defensive and Protective, Weaponry Enchantment, Runic, Elemental, Precognition, Holy Fire (this one is literally the rarest thing for an angel to have).

Demon Magics (From common to rarest)- Illusions, Elemental, Contract Magic, Enchantment, Energy Draining/Aura Draining, Binding Magics, Witchery (Jinxes, charms, etc), Healing Magic, Possession, Shadow Magics, Shapeshifting (Rare for non Gluttony Demons only), Hellfire (Super Rare, actually marks the next Heir of a Ring of Hell to have it.), Precognition.

Human Magics (All human Magics are considered rare)- Witchery (Gained naturally or through demonic contract), Healing, Aura Sight, Runic, Elemental, Precognition.

Everyone can brew things such as potions.

Demons have more magic energy than Humans or Angels tbh and mages are way more common with them, though Healers are more common with Angels, and less common with demons.

Technology is advanced and exists and is built to work alongside magic.

Weaponry such as swords are still used though with Angels and Demons.

--

Alright folks. This is basically a world info dump. I will do a species info dump like I said once I got some decent pictures or I’ll do it in relevant chunks. 

[amberenigma]

MUNDAY DASH GAME?

———  BASICS! ♡

NAME! ♡ -  paloma

PRONOUNS! ♡ -  any, honestly, but she/her if you need a choice tbh.

ZODIAC SIGN! ♡ -   virgo. leo cusp baybeee.

TAKEN OR SINGLE! ♡ -  if you know, you know. :_)

———  THREE  FACTS! ♡

1! ♡ -   i’m a software engineer by trade, but i’m also something of an artist. ya dad has a degree.

2! ♡ -   i’m a leftie and that’s probably why i’m such a weirdo for i am not seen as holy by the church hee hoo.

3! ♡ - my unfortunate hobby ( aside from gaming ) is collecting. .hack takes most of my money LOL.......but runners up on “you have a lot of this thing” is touken ranbu and kamen rider.

———  EXPERIENCE! ♡

PLATFORMS USED! ♡ -  i used to roleplay on whirled way back when i was baby and it was as cringe as you could get. once i got into hetalia, i eventually transitioned to deviantart groups and met some great people ( i used to write iceland mostly, but i was known for being a good messed up russki in our circle ). i think 2012 was when i made my first rp blog on tumblr where i wrote aph sweden for a few years, but i was also getting back into .hack during that time. so eventually i made ovan in 2013 and here we are! i now have several blogs from different series but ovan will always be my home base. as an aside i also did some forum rp at integrability which was like mostly for .hack ocs. i was off and on since schoolwork sucks. i do write on discord as well, although seldom, but i’m usually down to make a separate server if it’s likely a writing buddy and i would have multiple threads.

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE! ♡

FEMALE, MALE OR NONBINARY! ♡ - no preference honestly, i simply gravitate to certain personalities/archetypes. the more sus the better.

MULTI OR SINGLE! ♡ -  multi-ship, although it certainly doesn’t look like it sometimes ( some ships simply have my full undivided attention i can’t help it ). certain personalities explore completely different facets of characters that would never be explored if i limited any of my muses to singleship.

FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡ -  all of the above, but honestly i’ve only written smut consistently with the wife ( well, it makes me very tired to write most of the time anyway ). i am known as something of a menace when it comes to writing angst, though, especially with ovan/masato. :^)

PLOT / MEMES! ♡ -   i’m down for both! i get very invested in timelines so often i hesitate to delve super hard into plotting if i’m not sure if the other party is down or not. on my end because i’m perpetually tired i can’t always bring the hype to discussions even if i want to sob. but memes always help start something delicious if needed. it’s also just a good way to get my muses to talk. heck, add stuff to memes, it could easily turn into a plot! i’m pretty open about pre-established stuff and exploring more into it after the fact.

TAGGED BY! ♡ - i stole it from @xxyumeno. ( ty ty )

TAGGING! ♡ - you.

[orvillevonschtein]

[grumbled something as he rubbed his face, then more clearly,]...bring mir die Milch mit Mandeln oder Sojamilch.

That is all. Simple.

Give you a list another time.

THEN I give you better things to do.

orvillevonschtein‌:

Perhaps when you learn more respect. You’ve barely touched the rest of the world yet, kind. You may have grown but you’ve not seen.

And we need groceries. Unless you wish to eat only…ehm… Eichhörnchen.

[ He snuffed in agitation, though didn’t talk back. Just redirected his gaze elsewhere. Knew better than to argue. ]  Ich möchte sehen. Ich bin bereit zu sehen.

[ Charles sighed. ]

No I do not want to eat squirrel. But at least give me list or something. 

[bentchcreates]

Start Here, Stories of First Encounters 

Let me just say this right off the bat, I’m giving this 6 of 5 Stars! First of all, the editors and my co-authors deserve the 5.5 of 5 Stars. This is my favorite book this year, cheesy for me to say, but it is! I’m giving a half star more for my own story because I’m very proud of this, okay? :P I’ll talk more about that on a separate blog post, haha.

To begin, I want to thank the editors (and our PM, Hi Mina!) for coming up with this anthology. The intros by Ron and Brij, in itself, were already strong messages to those who are looking for contemporary romance that represents Filipinos of this time, LGBTQIAP or not. It perfectly put out the reasons behind the conception of this anthology, as well as the hope that this sparks a flame towards more Queer Romance and Queer HEA in Philippine Literature.

1. In the Moonlight by Agay Llanera

This was a sweet start to set the tone for the rest of the stories. It’s an awesome sequel to my other favorite, Another Word For Happy. And like what I said in my review for AWFH last year, Caleb seems to have been made after my own heart.

I wish I was exaggerating, but the indecision, the awkward reaction to ‘the kiss’, the hyperawareness to the smallest of things, IT ME! When I was Caleb’s age, at least. LOL. And I’m sure a lot of gay people (maybe not even gay people, everyone, really) will find it relatable one way or another.

What Caleb is better than me, though, is his courage towards the end of the story. He did something I never would’ve been able to do. And I hope when others read this, they’d be inspired to be braver, too.

2. Come Full Circle by Bobbi Moran

I love me some slow burn romance and huhu, the slow burn in this one killed me (in a good way!).

This short felt quite episodic as the characters are shown through different stages of them finding themselves – and eventually, love – but that slow progression allowed me to really root for them to be together at the end.

I found the attention to detail fascinating (especially the architectural ones when Alana and Marion went on a holiday) but what I loved most about this is the accuracy of tiptoeing in a relationship when one is still unsure where the other one stands. I mean, relationships are already complicated without the whole guessing-and-hoping-the-other-one-plays-on-the-same-team narrative, but add in sexual confusion (and tension!) and you’re in for a wild, but nonetheless more interesting, ride. This story tied to a full circle satisfyingly.

3. Gorgeous by Motsie Dapul

This is probably my first F/enby romance and it certainly lived up to its title. This might also be the first fiction story I’ve read using the singular they/them pronoun and while it took me about a minute to re calibrate my [faulty] sense of grammar, it wasn’t jarring and it told Jays and the MC (I’m not 100% sure she was named, I need to reread the story, stat!)more genuinely for me.

It is also somewhat a variation of the enemies to lovers trope which is always interesting. I’m happy to note that there is grovel. :) 

I think what I want to focus more about this story is how something that happened years ago, something that seemed small and irrelevant to you, might mean a whole different world to another person. And simple things like words said haplessly, or actions that weren’t well thought of in our youth, could still impact us as adults no matter how much we’ve changed in the time in between.

This story tells and awesome story of discovering one’s self, discovery of love, and acceptance of the MC’s past, present and future with Them. :)

4. Shipping Included by Danice Sison

Can this be any cuter?? <3 <3 <3

I will admit that I didn’t get all the KPop references but I know those who are knowledgeable (and obsessed) with oppas will appreciate and enjoy this.

Done in alternating POVs between the protagonists, David and Kiko, the story’s strength lay on the well-rounded characterization of the heroes, as well as the kids who made their meetcute extra cute! There is a glimpse of what it must be like to be a Filipino KPop fan while also focusing the spotlight on those who don’t share the dedication but support their loved one’s hobbies nonetheless.

The Kuya and Tito may not be in their girls’ fandoms but Kpopocalypse gave them (all of us, really) a different reason to swoon and make fingerhearts at each other.  

5. Delubyo by Barbie Barbieto

This is beautifully written.

This was the first work from the author that I’ve read and I loved it so much, it made me seek out her other work. Haha. The style and flow of words are smooth and easygoing, it hooked me up real quick.

Add to that is Pebbles’ odd four-month relationship rule which I thought was mean at first, but actually makes so much sense and is understandable from someone who’s constantly afraid to put her heart on the line. Still, I don’t tolerate it. (I loved this so much, I’m super invested and I want to have a talk with Pebbles bec huhu, the poor ex-girlfriends! LOL)

I love the progression of her feelings towards Gabrielle, told brilliantly somewhere in the middle of the story – after that awesome beginning! It made the ending such a relief and a source of immense kilig!

6. The Other Story by H. Bentham

*sly grin emoji*

7. Blooms and Hues by Ella Banta

I loved the softness of the themes in this short story, reminiscent of Gay YA fiction I used to devour in college (from foreign authors like Brian Sloan, Alex Sanchez, John Hall, etc.) and the short films I still find on YouTube from time to time.

It is a lovely addition to this anthology, despite not being heavy on the romance like the other stories, especially since being queer in this country, love, relationships - and matters of the heart in general - are less likely to be this soft and dreamy. (At least during my time as an actual young adult. IDK, maybe kids these days are allowed this gay tenderness we weren’t given access to. It wasn’t even such a long time ago, I mean…anyway, that’s not what this review is all about. I got distracted. lol)

The artistic MC and LI are adorable. And flowers! I’m never not in love with stories where flowers come into play.

8. Another First by Yeyet Soriano

I admit that I felt scared to continue with this once it was established that Jess, the MC, is in a long term relationship at the beginning of the story. I dislike scenes with messy break-ups due to cheating, but I soldiered on and was greatly relieved that this didn’t go that way.

I liked that the characters acted like the adults that they are and that this did not turn into a rehash of popular love-triangle telenovela plots. I especially loved the part where things had to settle down and fall into place for all characters (Jess, Lili and even Matt) separately at first – on a personal level – before the romance could be resolved. It showed a healthy depiction of self-discovery and acceptance a little bit later in life.

9. Luck from the Skies by Katt Briones

This one I’ve actually read before the book came out and ugh, rereading it second, third and fourth time did not make it less wonderful! The characters have supporting roles from Katt’s other book, Chasing Mr. Prefect, but the timeline here is before that book’s time.

I liked the fictional artista/modeling angles and the progression of friendship between Chan and Asher towards a romantic ship (#ChaSher5everr!!!). The rainy weather theme is also very Filipino and how it plays in the advancement of the plot is just brilliant! And kilig! So kilig!

Sab is defineitely a scene stealer (I love bestfriends!) but since the romance was so strong in the first place, she didn’t overshadow my boys. LOL.

Also, prepare to crave bulalo!  

10. Lemon Drop Friday by Brigitte Bautista.

“Here goes [Brij] again, making a mess [with my heart]”

When I was reading the review copy and got to this point in the book, I stopped for a full day before I started this story. Part of me knew I would breeze through it and I didn’t want the book to end just yet. And I was right.

Brij did it again! Made me fall in love with her mastery of words and then made me cry because this was so good and so satisfying.

I was highlighting passages throughout the book (for review notes) but with this one, I couldn’t even stop to highlight words, I just wanted to fully immerse in that universe and feel the love, and the fear of rejection, and the ultimate HEA where these messy girls finally, finally got together!

I have a favorite quote (aside from the mis-quote above. Lol)

“If she looked at me a tad longer, she would figure it out.”

Argh! MY HEART! I loved Tala’s POV so much! It’s quirky and funny and honest and SO relatable. I’m done talking about this because I WILL SPOIL IT FOR EVERYONE so please get the book and read it! :P

To end, again I want to thank everyone who worked (and continue to work hard to promote) this book! I cannot fully express into words how important this is to me, as well as to others who might need these stories in their lives (whether they know it or not). I hold this dear this not because it is among the first queer books from #romanceclass, but more because all were written with wonderful skill and heart. Each story offers something unique for the reader who might be reading queer for the first time as well as someone looking for themselves in the written page,

We yearned so much to be represented well. We craved for stories we can connect to on a deeply personal level. We waited for our happy endings, in fiction at the very least.. This is definitely the beginning of us getting all that. And more.

Blurb:

There’s a first time for everything. Gatecrashing a KPop concert with an oppa in a business suit. Taking shelter from the storm with the girl you’ve been meaning to shake off. That kiss that blurs the line between friendship and something more. A one-night stand (or, is it?) with your best friend from across the hallway.

Dive into these 10 stories of first encounters – unapologetically queer, happy endings required, with a smattering of that signature #romanceclass kilig. Whether you’re recalling your own firsts or out there looking for one, there’s a story in here for you.

So, go on.

Turn the page.

Start here.

Edited by Ronald S. Lim and Brigitte Bautista. Featuring short stories by Agay Llanera, H. Bentham, Ella Banta, Danice Sison, Yeyet Soriano, Barbie Barbieto, Katt Briones, Bobbi Moran, Motzie Dapul, and Brigitte Bautista. This anthology contains M/M, F/F, F/NB romance stories with happy endings. Some stories have a high heat level.

Release Date: January 27, 2018

Book Cover Design: Dani Hernandez

Additional Photography: Alexandra Urrea & Chachic Fernandez

Buy Links:

Pre-order Start Here on Amazon: bit.ly/rcStartHere Order Start Here on paperback (PH only): bit.ly/StartHere-PrintPH

Add Start Here on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37880247-start-here

Author links:

Katt Briones: @kttbri (Twitter& IG)

Ella Banta:  @gabbie_ellaine (Twitter) , @ellamaepot (IG),  gabrielluna.wordpress.com (blog) , https:// www.facebook.com/ ellabantawriting/ (FB)

Agay Llanera:  http:// amzn.to/ 2k2gj34.(Amazon)

Yeyet Soriano: @ysrealm (Twitter & IG) @Yeyetsorianowrites (FB), www.yeyetsoriano.com (blog), yeyetms@gmail.com

Danice Sison: @hastyteenflick (Twitter)

Bobbi Moran: bobbimoran26@gmail.com

Motzie Dapul: FB.com/atemozzarella, FB.com/atemozzarellastories, @atemozzarella (Tumblr) , mozzarellastories.wordpress.com (blog), motzie.dapul@ gmail.com.

Barbie Barbieto: @barbiebarbieto (Twitter),  barbiebarbieto.com (blog) 

H. Bentham: this is me. heh.

Editors: 

Brigitte Bautista: @brijbautista (Twitter & IG), brijbautista.wordpress.com (blog)

Ronald S. Lim: @tristantrakand (Twitter), ronlim20@gmail.com

[4nimenut]

do you have any tips on compositions? your compositions in your pieces are so good!!!

Anonymously or not, ask me something you’ve always wondered.

thank you for the ask! (/ω＼) i’m flattered omg thank you ;v; !

i actually answered a similar question here can you believe it’s been two years already LOL but because it’s been a long time, i’ll try to answer this ask a little differently! also because i took a second look at how i answered two years ago and i… honestly was questioning myself afterwards LOL

and honestly i didnt exactly stick to whatever i preached HAHA sweATS

i’m not the best at explaining things but i’ll do my best!

this is my own personal method of how i usually do things so you don’t exactly have to follow this word for word! it’s really just an explanation of how i see things www….ヾ(・∀・；)

generally none of my methods when planning for a composition hasn’t exactly changed much from what i mentioned two years ago, but i think i’ve learnt a thing or two as well over the years; i hope it shows in my recent art as compared to older art! ;w;

to start the ball rolling, we could start on arrangement! ;0

here’s a visual representation of the differences between the visual space of a landscape and portrait orientation (・ω < )-☆

i,,, usually go for a landscape orientation for the expansive feeling,, there’s also more room for feels to penetrate the visual space,,, or at least that’s my excuse anyway LOL

a landscape orientation emphasises greatly on a horizontal line of action in your works as well, and if you want to think deeper about it, a horizontal line could generally mean stability, a balance of sorts, peace and harmony, even? you could usually use it to express a sense of tranquility, wideness, etc..  

in a sense, there’s no alteration of gravity, everyone’s sitting / standing up straight, etc… 

as shown below there’s some ways you could create a horizontal line of action…. actually does this even make sense OTL it’s really there just to show the general flow of things

tl;dr i usually use a landscape orientation + horizontal line of action as my starting base whenever i want to create something with feels (∩´∀｀)∩ imagine the amount of expansiveness your feels can tap upon and make your heart ache more ASDFGDFGH

here we can compare the effects of a landscape and portrait orientation (though it might not be a fair comparison LOL)

as you can see, while the portrait orientation does provide a sense of closeness between both of them, the landscape orientation creates a greater sense of openness and greater balance… or is it just me LOL as compared to the tightness in the portrait version. it works too but i would prefer zooming them out even more to provide a greater sense of openness,,, or perhaps this is more of personal preferences hnngh //w//

usually i’d use a portrait orientation + a vertical line of action to show tension! because of the greater constraint in space as compared to a landscape orientation, you’d tend to feel a greater sense of entrapment, and that’s usually what i hope to tap upon when i want to create intense situations ;w; 

or otherwise i just use portrait orientations for zine pieces because i’m too tired to do a spread page so i just try to come up with something LOL

but wait! sometimes when you stick to just a horizontal / vertical arrangement of things in general it can get… very boring because of how strictly horizontal / vertical it is LOL ;;;;SWEATS 

so here’s my favourite part of this entire post (LOL); the diagonal line of actiooooonnnnn∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

compared to a horizontal line where equilibrium is largely established, a diagonal line expresses a sense of unstability, and the need for movement — in otherwords more dynamic! 

tilting your points of view can also provide you with interesting compositions as well because it doesn’t follow the dead equilibrium norm that horizontal / vertical lines usually set and creates a greater sense of action going on in the picture *w*

psst also, when you take on a more diagonal approach, you can fit in more things in the background LOL since usually a diagonal approach takes up the diagonal length of your canvas, leaving more room for… more dynamic stuff AAAAAAAA—

sooo here we can take a look at what usually happens when you tilt your things LOL

taking on a horizontal approach, this halloween skk piece becomes full blown complete angst instead of being simply lowkey angst in the original post why did i not do that when i was working on it LOL while the more diagonal orientation makes everything look as though there’s something more to it instead of simply dynamic movement — it’s as though there’s this force driving a story — or maybe it’s just me overexplaining things.

also i totally didn’t do it to aggravate the height differences between the both of them. nope. not at all.

to put it in a quick summary:

horizontal approach is usually for the harmony / feels / angst / kill me pls

portrait approach is usually for tension

diagonal approach is usually for more dynamic / action / it usually draws more attention towards the piece

or usually i really just yolo and whack and hope it gives people feels

i believe there’s some examples from two years ago about how detailed i can get when coming up with the composition of a piece, but i’ll briefly touch on it again, and with more detail —

when it comes to what to include in your background and how to eventually draw out your piece, you might want to try consider the following:

what kind of setting do you want it to be? and in turn, atmosphere?

what kind of ideas / central theme(s) do you want your piece to reflect?

is your piece inspired by a certain object / item / concept?

for example, in my PM Week Day 1 submission where the theme i chose was Then and Now, i thought that if i was going to do something about soukoku, then i wanted to create a sense of nostalgia, especially the ridiculous banter that they shared four years ago, and are still sharing right now in the canon timeline. the world that they live in remained relatively unchanged, so i settled for the Yokohama cityscape.

the direct reflection of both of them on the wet surface of the floor reflects how both of them are still the same even after four years, even though Dazai may have switched sides. i chose to keep ADA obscured from view instead of PM Dazai because the idea of Dazai back then has already come to pass and set into stone, and is something that will never change, but the current Dazai may have changed, and that’s why i thought it might be better to leave it to the viewer’s inference on the extent of Dazai’s change, physically and emotionally. he might be showing more emotion on his face right now, but we won’t know because it’s hidden from view, but it’s up to you to determine if he really has changed,,, wink,,,

… or so goes my thought processes about this piece, anyway, ww..

usually when it comes to drawing fanart based on fanfics which i do like 99% of the time, i like to consider any other possible objects involved in that one particular scene / just the overall fic in general and try to make a reference to them somehow in the fanart, and determine the mood from there.

for example, in my Muse (chapter 21) fanart where Akira finally kisses Yusuke in the jellyfish tank, i imagined that one moment to be a rather magical moment, especially since the story is told from Yusuke’s point of view, who views the world in a slightly different manner than the rest, hence i was aiming for the magical, ethereal feeling through the jellyfish; as though they’re wisps of spirits circling around the both of them ;w; the fanart is actually viewed from the inside of the jellyfish tank, but because i chose not to make the distinction of the glass / hard plastic surface of the tank, it feels as though the jellyfish that glows in different colours are actually in the scene with them and lighting everything up ///w///

… or that’s how i hope it goes anyway LOL i feel like i’m just rambling about my own artistic thoughts HAHA.

though, these thinking processes mainly come from my own experience from having taken literature and having to analyse things and stuff, so i hope this entire post provides some insight on how i usually put together my compositions and the like ^q^!!

again, you don’t have to take this word for word, but i hope it’s able to provide you with a better insight on how i do my art—! ;w;

and remember to have fun!! (*´ω｀*)

[shatar-aethelwynn]

I'm totally down to engage with the historical value of the bible right after it stops being the driving force behind global societal collapse lol

*pained sound* Ok, no. You know what? I’m feeling twitchy today so let’s go. This is not an attack on the person who made these tags. It’s a general rant about the fact that they represent a trend of deliberate refusal to engage in any kind of dialogue with the texts in their historical context or even just in their entirety out of nothing other than anger at a specific group of individuals. And I get that. They have more than pissed me off too. But this attitude also exists in religious circles and is called “refusing to accept the difference between eisegesis and exegesis”. Those are fancy words, I know, I’ll come back to them. But let’s take this in order because all this sort of statement does is make one thing very clear: the one making it doesn’t actually understand what they’re talking about and is merely making accusations based on personal emotional experiences rather than any grasp of historical consensus among leading (often non-religious) scholars about the text or how many different groups use it in vastly different ways - some for hatred, yes, but others as motivation for acceptance, inclusion, and help. And isn't it a pity that violence is what pays the media's bills. Not wanting to waste one’s time studying a text that isn’t interesting is one thing. Denigrating it simply because you’re mad at people who claim to like it is something different.

First, The Bible either is a historical text or it’s not. That’s it. There is no secret third option here. Being a historical text does not automatically make it factual. Being a historical text does not mean anyone is obligated to believe what it says. Being a historical text does not mean we are obligated to live by its laws (and they aren’t all consistent anyway). It is a historical text by virtue of being a text for which extant copies and fragments exist, and which can be analyzed. Full stop. That is where its “value” as a historical text is derived from. It can be studied for information that may be of benefit to historians and linguists for various reasons, and not just about “factual” matters of the grander historical timeline. The plays of Shakespeare are historical texts. In a few decades (or even now to some researchers) your science textbooks will be historical texts. If we stretch the definition of “text”, the television programs you watched at 5 years old counts too. If it can be used to establish any information about a time period or group of people at a certain time it is a fully valid historical text. Or are we to say that if a text has “religious” aspects or clear ethnocentric biases it doesn’t count? Because we’d be getting rid of a lot of other ancient texts if that’s the case.

Second point, stop trying to hint around it and admit that the problem isn’t the book, it’s the people who interpret it in ways that condone abuse and violence. The text as read responsibly within it’s historical context isn’t what you have a problem with. Your problem is with the people who rip it from that context without giving a shit and then manipulate it, cherry-picking whatever they want to endorse what they want and ignoring the parts that condemn them, and then try to force their preferred application of that interpretation on everyone around them. This isn’t about the text, it’s about the interpretation of the text. Do you think that the scholars and the lay religious adherents always have the same views on what the texts mean? Ha! Not hardly. You think the historians studying a passage’s context and the traditionalist theologians agree on what that passage means? Do you have any clue how often that is not the case? Do you have any idea how often just changing between denominations within a religion can change how a passage is understood or applied? If anything, right now the most vocal Christians in America are currently among those who most vehemently reject attempts to place the texts back in their historical and literary context. Refusing to do so as well just helps them dictate how the average person understands the contents of the texts. Resist and follow the lead of the scholars instead. The Atheists Guide to the Old Testament by Joshua Bowen is a fantastic place to start.

Third, as mentioned the people we hear about most often, the so-called “Christian” politicians, and mega-church pastors, and Republican Karens who cherry pick their way through the Bible to support their Nationalism do not speak for everyone who reads the Bible as a scared text. Do you think Jews read their Bible that way? Do you think that the Orthodox Church (who everyone always forgets about since Western History is dominated by the northern European Catholic vs Protestant battles) agree with American Protestant Fundamentalists and Evangelicals? No. There are so many matters of dispute on theology and interpretation. Do you think the Fundamentalists are happy about the prevalence of Liberation Theology in Black and Latino churches? (I've actually heard some refer to it as demonic influence, so that's a no.) What about the existence of Feminist Theology? Or LGBT Theology? Do you realize how easy it is to pick and choose? To say “the Bible supports X”? Do you realize that there is Socialist Theology and it wasn't unpopular not too long ago? That there’s actually Communist Christian Theology? Once again, it’s not usually the book that people actually have a problem with, it’s a specific group of people and how they interpret and apply it.

Which brings me back to eisegesis and exegesis. These are two terms within hermeneutics (which is also a fancy technical term that basically just means “method of interpretation”). Eisegesis is reading a meaning into the text, and exegesis is reading meaning out of the text. When someone picks up the Bible looking for a verse (to take completely out of context, though they will typically deny it) to prove that they can do whatever it is they want to do it is likely that they are engaging in eisegesis – they are taking their preconceived ideas about either what is good or what is in the Bible and then going “well, gosh, would you look at that! I’m right and it says so!”. Eisegisis is the process of using the text to support an idea you had before you picked up the book to see what it said about the topic. Exegesis strives (not always successfully) to put aside such desires in order to see what the text says for itself. This is the form of interpretation favored by scholars, who try to understand what was going on in the world of the author when the text was written. There are levels of intensity to both of these which varies by individual. And everyone has engaged with eisegesis at least once because that’s just how humans tend to operate without necessarily meaning to. The most basic exegesis involves reading the entire context of a passage and carefully analyzing it for clues about the authors intention, and this can be done with any good translation, a bit of free time, and a commitment to paying attention to what is actually there - both the good and the bad. A scholar or enthusiast engaging in deeper exegesis may spend time first learning about the historical context within which the text was composed, the language used and nuances of word choice in the original text, variations in surviving manuscripts and whether they affect the meaning, similar texts from neighboring cultures, and shared motifs and what scholarship says about them before drawing a conclusion about the intended meaning of a text. And then people may not draw the same conclusions about how to apply what the text says. Added to this is the complication that the Bible is not a single unified book. It is an anthology of multiple types of text, written in three languages, over a span of hundreds of years, under the influence of at least four separate empires depending on how you count them, and then compiled together. Which means individual books within the Bible may not be in complete agreement on a matter, or use similar imagery in different ways. There’s also things like whether the reader believes in Inerrancy (many biblical scholars – most obviously the non-religious ones – do not accept it, many Christian denominations claim to hold to some form of it and expect their pastors to at the very least not openly contradict it), or whether they want to apply Systematic Theology (which does not play well with the “this is an anthology not a unified” book thing) that affect how far a reader will go in either -getical direction on any given text. (And let’s not get into the whole “being Greek is next to godliness” thing that resulted in a Palestinian Jewish sect being reinterpreted through a Roman worldview that idolized the Greeks, then leading to the Classical authors being read back through a Christian lens, and how much misogyny is waved away or treated as solely the responsibility of the biblical texts as a result) So to try to throw out the entire Bible as worthless as a historical text because of how a particular modern group is using it displays ignorance about how historical analysis of texts works, how hermeneutics works at a scholarly level, the range of religious and denominational differences both now and over the past 2000 years that affect how people interact with the text at all, and even the vast variety of types of material this specific anthology contains.

Go read Ecclesiastes, where the author laments the meaningless of existence. Or Song of Songs, the book of erotic poetry. The book of Proverbs has pages of short folk-wisdom type sayings interspersed with longer poems. The Psalms run the full range of emotions from joy to fully depressed to “God, I am so angry I hope you kill them all” venting. The Bible is not just a collection of law codes and children’s fairy tales (it is not child-appropriate actually, what with the rape, and incest, and murder, and cutting apart concubines, and people just being people who really shouldn’t be romanticized the way they often are...).

As for being “the driving force behind global societal collapse”…lol, that’s the Capitalism kids. And the Bible does not endorse it. Nor does it endorse most of what governments around the world are doing right now. It also does not endorse the existence of billionaires. It’s actually rather subversive, especially when read within its historical context (it was written by groups that never gained significant political power during the time of composition). I will be among the first to admit there is some shitty stuff in the texts (just did!), there’s no getting around that (especially when it is taken out of context, because surprise! cultures and norms change over centuries and across geographical distances).

But seriously, do you think we’ll be hearing any of these from the “good Christian” politicians anytime soon (because if they can cherry-pick to support their beliefs or make a point, so can I):

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

        But when the desire is fulfilled it is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12)

“If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat;

        if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head,

        and the Lord will reward you.” (Proverbs 25:21-22)

“For I desire mercy, not sacrifice,

        and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings.” (Hosea 6:6)

“Learn to do right; seek justice.

        Defend the oppressed.

Take up the cause of the fatherless;

        plead the case of the widow.” (Isaiah 1:17)

“The Lord takes his place in court;

        he rises to judge the people.

The Lord enters into judgement

         against the elders and leaders of his people:

‘It is you who have ruined my vineyard;

        the plunder from the poor is in your houses.

What do you mean by crushing my people

        and grinding the faces of the poor?” (Isaiah 3:13-15)

“And the word of the Lord came again to Zechariah: ‘This is what the Lord Almighty said: “Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.”

But they refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and covered their ears. They made their hearts as hard as flint and would not listen to the law or to the words that the Lord Almighty had sent by his Spirit through the earlier prophets. So the Lord Almighty was very angry.” (Zechariah 7:8-12)

“It is easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Mark 10:25)

“Then the King will say to those on the right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

  Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

  The King replied, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

  Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

  They also will answer, ‘Lord when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

  He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’” (Matthew 25:34-45)

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

(Luke 6: 27-36)

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take that speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Luke 6:41-42)

“When Jesus heard this, he said to him, ‘You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’” (Luke 18:22)

“Come now, you who are rich, weep and wail over the misery to come upon you. Your riches have rotted and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and consume your flesh like fire. You have hoarded treasure in the last days. Look, the wages you withheld from the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord of Hosts. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fatted your hearts in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the righteous, who did not resist you. (James 5:1-6)

Seems to me that if these were the parts we focused on "societal collapse because people happen to think this anthology is worth something" would be less of a threat.

(I've yet to actually hear a politician quote the Bible that didn't immediately have me sitting up and hissing "You put that back in it's context right the fuck now, it doesn't mean that")

the Bible is a historical document, just not in the way 95% of people think it is when historians say that. people not understanding this concept is why you can’t adequately discuss anything concerning said source with them because they kneejerk into “IT’S ALL FAIRYTALES AND LIES!!!” or “everything happened exactly like that and there’s no debate”. in both cases a regrettable lack of nuance, but worse so in the former case because often those people pretend to be in the camp of “rational science”. something something please develop some historical literacy before you engage in discussions pertaining to (ancient) history.

[misszarves]

timeline of my spiral for anyone who wants to laugh react

july 2019: hit a wall with sleep deprivation, anemia, gut problems and probably plain burnout, started having conflicts with my boss especially around my lateness (our workday started at 5:00 AM, he refused to simply write me up or suspend me but instead wanted to “talk about it” and this became extremely intrusive and uncomfortable fast)

also july: had my first encounter with an animal in a sticky trap, outside my apartment, a bird who I was able to rescue

also july: quit that job, went back to the golf course to bartend a couple of days a week

august: moved back in with my parents as a result of my changed employment situation

late august: read that shockingly graphic article in the NYT about child porn that some of you may remember (do I need to put a trigger warning or can y’all use common sense and refrain from looking it up). sharp spike in anxiety, making it worse than it had been in six or seven years

september: picked up more hours at the golf course, was able to make some investments in myself -- a new sewing machine and some singing lessons. had my two-year cake. 

mid-october: found out I was pregnant. on a friday (K, not J, was the father -- some people do ask). made the quick decision to have an abortion but was unable to get in touch with any abortion provider until the middle of the following week (due to phone/email tag, etc), giving me enough time to start Feeling Things about the pregnancy

november: continuing to live with my parents and work full-time as a bartender, succumbed to angst and anxiety as expected -- but family, friends and coworkers with the glaring exception of my mom (who still pretends she didn’t even know I was pregnant, lol) were very supportive. for a brief period, we settled on keeping the baby, and told my dad and picked godparents. when I changed my mind again, my boyfriend was devastated. that pretty much hasn’t changed

late november: in a last-ditch attempt to fend off the crushing dread, I took a trip north to see a friend and her husband (to be clear, I would have visited them anyway lmfao). it helped a little. on the way back, I stopped to see some of my mother’s cousins, who tried to rope me into a pyramid scheme.

november 28: abortion day! my aunt took me to the clinic and then out for burgers. while we were eating, one of the cooks, who my aunt knew, fell off a ladder and onto his back.

first two weeks following the abortion: the normal feel-like-shit-no-matter-how-secure-you-were-in-your-decision period

dec 3: relapsed! 

dec 3 onwards: since the relapse went on for about three months, I can’t nail down when that “two week” period actually ended. pregnancy hormones resulted in waves of anger and teariness, but no satisfying “mourning”. I drank more heavily than I ever did before, routinely got shitfaced or even blacked out while on shift. I told people about the relapse, but the actual inebriation mostly went unnoticed.

christmas eve: after convincing J to come spend christmas with my family, got drunk again, we got in some sort of argument. I don’t remember.

christmas morning: J left as soon as possible.

the blurry period between christmas and mid-January 2020: 

more drinking at work, and a peak in the mouse and rat problem my workplace had been managing badly for several months. saw and heard three tiny, dying, bloody mice on two separate sticky traps (two different days). on a slow ~pasta night~, knocked back a couple of drinks so I could ask one of the cooks at the pasta buffet to leave his post and euthanize the second and third mouse. which he did as humanely as possible -- with a shovel. at this point I wrote a letter to my GM telling him how unacceptable it was to make his hormonal, post-abortive employees deal with sentient animals in their dying agonies, and could he please come up with a different pseudo-solution. about a week later, he came up to me and, with great diplomacy and tact, told me to shove it up my ass.

powdered bait laced with rat poison was placed on the floor in and around the bar and kitchen. I called the health inspector, who brought the hammer down on both the poison and the sticky traps. the poison was cleaned up (part of that job went to yours truly, with no protection) as were some but not all of the sticky traps

I developed a small crush on a long-time coworker (cook #1) who began behaving in what I assumed was meant to be a flirtatious way (eye-fucking, going out of his way to talk to me in a way he hadn’t before, etc). this included some pointed questions about my mental health (the abortion and the relapse were public information at this point). bizarrely, he refused to tell me anything personal about himself. he started dating one of the banquet girls. he eventually told a mutual friend (cook #2, and our shovel-killer from above) that he “got [a] vibe” that I “wanted to fuck” but (as cook #2 gleefully reported to me) made a face and expressed disgust at the possibility of ever being involved with me in that way. (WHY ASK ME ABOUT MY FUCKING ABORTION THEN, YOU WEIRDO)

cook #2 started trying to fuck me. I did not reciprocate. he then told me he thought I was a “six” and that he wasn’t interested. a few weeks later he tried to fuck me again

early january 2020: got both a yeast infection and bacterial vaginal infection

january 6: J had a grand mal seizure on my kitchen floor. I had never seen a seizure and the tremors were so severe that my dad, who had seen many, thought he may also have been having a stroke (turned out, just a seizure). he was hospitalized overnight and kicked to the curb -- but the process was begun to get him back into rehab

january 7 (?): employee gift exchange at work. I was on shift and wasn’t participating, but there weren’t a lot of customers and my coworkers asked me to come join them. there were five-gallon buckets of old sangria to which we were given unlimited access (and remember that I was the bartender, so I took the trips to the fridge and back). I blacked out. cook #2 called my mother and I vaguely recall getting in her van.

the days following that “party”: cook #2 and several other coworkers told me I “didn’t seem that drunk,” ie was not a horrible embarrassment. however, cook #2 told me that I’d made out with him. then I started to hear rumours that I and a third cook (cook #3) had disappeared for half an hour to “go have sex”. let me be graphic for a moment: I was wearing a panty-liner that night because the spotting from the abortion hadn’t stopped, I had a yeast infection, and I hadn’t trimmed my pubic hair in about a month -- no matter how drunk I was, I cannot see myself agreeing to take my pants off around a random coworker. someone told me that I had a cheeseburger in my hand when we disappeared and was still eating it when she saw me again so she doesn’t think anything happened -- but I was suspiciously sore the next day. was it the yeast infection or was I sexually assaulted? I don’t know because I was blacked out and I never asked cook #3

january 10: actual staff holiday party. cook #3 introduced me to his long-time girlfriend. we all smiled and shook hands.

mid-january: mac miller’s circles album dropped. I decided I wanted to live. I continued to drink until the end of february, but stayed sober for much longer periods between much shorter binges

late january: I put in my two-weeks’ notice at the golf course and borrow some money from my dad. stinky came to live with us.

february 1: k, stinky and me moved into a small house my parents’ church is renting

most of february: fighting, gossiping, and faction-forming in my AA homegroup, culminated in a member being expelled and a series of “group conscience” meetings which involved yelling, fighting and crying. a relatively new arrival to our group (but a longtimer in the program) started to power-grab, which wouldn’t have fazed me except that she started openly singling me out as a “newcomer” whose vote did not count. this despite other members relapsing in the same period I did, and said power-grabber having been in attendance at my fucking cake five months previous. things got awkward.

mid-february: J went back to rehab

also mid-february: I got pulled over driving drunk in washington state. ironically, the confidence and ease I got from the alcohol kept me from being rude and short with the officer as I usually am, and he told me in a very friendly way that the speed limit would increase by 10 mph a little further down the highway, so perhaps I was confused, and I should take care out there. no ticket. a sign from god?

also mid-february: I got formally assessed for ADHD and tried ritalin for the first time. this did not end up working out.

mid-february: I was invited to dinner by the much older man who does the irrigation on the golf course, through one of the gardeners, a woman a few years younger than me with an established father-daughter type relationship with the irrigation guy. the three of us ate dinner at his house, and she proceeded to pass out from drinking too much. irrigation guy took the opportunity to feel me up.

end of february: I took my last drink and decided to start applying for jobs

also end of february: my ADHD symptoms as well as my anxiety began to spike, throwing a wrench in my resume-writing and hand-shaking plans

march: something else threw a wrench in my hand-shaking plans, as it did with all of yours. it goes without saying that I have been terribly anxious. the upside is that I know for certain that the abortion was the right idea.

also march: I switched to vyvanse and began to see better results.

mid-march, at the very beginning of shut-downs where I live: I see irrigation guy again and he takes the opportunity to pat my ass. 

end of march: J relapsed in rehab, was discharged and will see at least a ninety-day delay in his plan to complete the program and then get into secondary housing. he was briefly hospitalized, during which time the doctors did so little for him that he would have literally been just as well off in a drunk tank. service canada lost some of his paperwork so he still doesn’t have his medical EI money.

yesterday: J moved into my shed. he spoke to his counsellor, who will try to get him into a recovery house. I am confident that some things, particularly his EI money, will work out very soon. but whatever happens I have felt a reduction in the second-hand stress. as I said, and now he agrees: it’s a pretty nice shed.