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linkspooky · 11 months ago

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Ciel-Noel post

Revenge is bad, actually. Simple revenge in stories is boring and uninteresting and Kill Bill is a bad movie.

I dislike the idea of punitive justice in stories to begin with, at least in stories that don't look critically at it. However, I also think people often get punitive justice (a branch of moral philosophy) with the idea of narrative punishment (actions have consequences in stories). I'm not against narrative punishment at all, well-written stories should have direct consequences for all the important characters actions. If a character is a noble gas and no one reacts to their actions, then they are stagnant and unchanging. A character who is constantly reacting to other people, and provoking reactions in return, is a dynamic character.

Now that I've thoroughly buried the lead six feet under, let's get to the main event. Ciel and Noel is a tightly written tragedy in the horror genre. If you've ever watched a slasher movie before, horror operates on like, an extreme kind of narrative punishment. People always joke that if you have sex, or do drugs, or drink alcohol in a horror movie the slasher will kill you and yeah, that's basically it. Horror movies are relenting and unforgiving, you basically take one step out of line and get stabbed in the back for it. So, it's not at all surprising that in the same story where Ciel experiences a change of heart and goes from seeing Shiki not as a victim but another vampire to kill, to being willing to sacrifice everything to save him, Noel does not get saved. Doesn't that make Ciel a huge hypocrite going the extra mile to save her boyfriend, but putting a bullet in the head of the partner she's known for years to put her out of her misery? Why, yes. Yes it is. That's also the point.

Ciel (and Noel's) route in the Tsukihime remake are about two girls who are the victims of the same tragedy. One gets saved, one does not. One finds a person who will do anything to reach and redeem their humanity, the other does not. They both get worse and worse, but one is given a helping hand at their lowest point, and the other gets a bullet between the eyes. This is unfair, and cruel, and again the point. Nasu in the remake turned one of the routes with the happier ending into a bitter tragedy no matter which of the two endings you pick and it's great.

Nasu is a writer who understands the tools of storytelling and with Ciel and Noel, wrote a tightly constructed tragedy where both characters face a narrative punishment. Once again, narrative punishment means for every action the character takes in the story, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Characters don't get away scott free with anything. They reap what they sew. This gives the characters actions meaning, and feels like they are building towards an arc because there is an underlying point that the author is trying to make to us, by framing these characters actions in a certain light.

Nasu employs narrative punishment, sometimes even incredibly harsh narrative punishment (read every wrong choice in FSN where Shirou gets horribly maimed or just Shirou's life in general). However, Nasu does not believe in punitive justice. I mean, I made a joke about Oberon up above but like, Nasu literally wrote an entire FGO Lostbelt chapter showing how chaotic evil the fairies were, and then he still underlined it's wrong to punish people without a chance for redemption or atonement by making Oberon the final boss. Even Castoria who is an ultimate victim of the fairies who was locked in a barn and treated like an animal, and didn't even want to save them was still like "This is wrong, we should have given them some chance to redeem themselves."

That belief that punishment without the chance of redemption is wrong, is written into the core of Ciel and Noel's tragedy.

So anyway, let's get to the part where I start recapping the story with analysis so you guys have some frame of reference for what I'm talking about. Noel is a previous victim of Roa, a vampire that continually reincarnates by hijacking bodies. A victim of ROA slowly becomes possessed until the two personalities effectively merge, at which point Roa goes on a killing spree. This happened to Ciel in her french village, Ciel noticed intrusive thoughts of a voice in her head telling her to kill her family, kill her family, kill her family, and did her best to ignore and suppress them until she couldn't. She then tore out her parent's throats, and then went on a rampage only to be killed by arcueid a short while after. Not before killing basically everyone in the town except for Noel.

Ciel and Noel are the lone survivors of ROA's massacre, and both victims of ROA himself. Ciel and Noel are also the same person, so like, write that down. Are you taking notes? This is gonna be a long post you better be writing down bullet points. Big bullet point number one, Ciel and Noel are the same person this is going to be on the test later.

Is the massacre, and all the deaths that occurred Ciel's fault?

No, you'd think logically being possessed by someone else and only having your agency taking away from you would clear you from responsibility.

However, Ciel was taken in by the catholic church afterwards and they weren't having any of that forgiveness shit. Ciel after miraculously recovering from her death at Arcueid, no longer under Roa's possession, is killed repeatedly by the church, only to find she's immortal now. No matter how many times they try to torture her, or execute her to give her justice for the victims of the massacre it doesn't work. So, instead they eventually just recruit her to be a vampire hunter. Bla bla bla, metaphor for how punitive justice doesn't actually accomplish anything, bla bla bla, metaphor for how Ciel's way of redeeming herself by hunting down and punishing other vampires (which is also just revenge) doesn't work because there's no end to it, there's no forgiveness or absolution, it's just eternal suffering. Would a loving god who created the world and preaches about forgiveness really make a hell where all the really bad people get sent to, and never get any chance of redemption?

“A God who could make good children as easily a bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave is angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice, and invented hell--mouths mercy, and invented hell--mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people, and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites his poor abused slave to worship him!” ― Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger

So, already we're touching on both justice, and also the hypocrisies of certain western religions, by Nasu demonstrating that justice without forgiveness accomplishes nothing. Ciel trying to redeem herself in the eyes of the church is truly the sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill of redemption arcs, because there's no forgiveness, only hard labor for her sins. Ciel will just keep killing vampires to atone until she dies, but she can't die, so that boulder will keep rolling up that hill.

This is the underlying point of Ciel's entire arc, Ciel does not save anybody. She kills vampires. By killing vampires she hypothetically stops them from killing future victims, but that's not saving them. One of the most poignant things I've ever read from Nasu was from UBW where Shirou says more or less if there's a bank robber holding up a bank, and a cop comes in and shoots the robber through the chest, that might save all the hostages but the bank robber didn't get saved. You might say, well obviously, you can't save everyone. It makes sense that you'd save the innocent victims first. At which point I would say yes, I know, I have in fact consulted the ancient texts, UBW is my most replayed route.

However, Ciel and Noel's conflict gets that same point across because there are no innocent victims between the two of them. Ciel and Noel are both victimized, robbed of their agency, and go on to do terrible things, but one of them is saved and one is not. Noel isn't the bank robber in that metaphor, she's the hostage who was cooperating with the bank robber because the robber had a gun to her head, who the swat team decided to snipe through the window.

Noel is introduced as an entirely new character in the remake, she is the only other survivor of the massacre. While Ciel has memories of herself committing the crimes and feels guilt for that, Noel watched everyone die and was tortured for days on end by Roa in Ciel's body for their amusement (someone who was so insignificant to them, that Noel refers to herself as just one chip in a bag of chips Roa was snacking on. That's right, Noel is a cheeto in the grand scheme of things). There is one quote I love from John Dies at the End where John talks about how they're not chess pieces, they're not pieces on the board, they're so insigificant that they're just a cheeto sitting on the outside of the board. That's Noel, she's a cheeto.

The thing is Noel seems to be somewhat narratively aware of the fact that in the grand scheme of things she is a cheeto. Noel and Ciel are both victims of the massacre turned vampires, Ciel is a vampire killing machine and Noel sucks at it. Ciel despite being some rando apparently is born with enough magic circuits to make ancient magus families jealous, and on top of that is the only one who ever survived Roa's possession (and got immortality to boot). In every generation there is a chosen one, she alone will stand against the vampires and the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer. So you've got Ciel the Vampire Slayer, and Noel who's just a cheeto. The cosmically ordained protagonist of reality, and just some guy. Noel has to basically beg and scrape to get by, no matter how hard she works she doesn't get stronger, she doesn't get any cool super powers from the night roa burned down her home town she just gets trauma. She also doesn't get a special boyfriend who will do anything to try to give her a normal life. This is illustrated in true tragic irony, by showing that Noel had a crush on a japanese foreign exchange student who's clearly meant to foil Shiki and he was basically the support she leaned on for the entirety of the tragedy, he dragged her away from danger multiple times, only to find out the reason he saved her was to use her as zombie bait so he could make his escape.

Here's where Noel starts to shine because in a typical narrative, Noel would be the more sympathetic character. People like rooting for the underdog. However, Nasu dares to be different by making Noel extremely difficult to empathize with. For one she's extremely predatory in the way she makes constant uncomfortable advances on Shiki the main character. She's also predatory in the sense she enjoys preying on things weaker than her. She says it line for line, weak people have to pick on those weaker than them. Noel goes after small fry vampires for revenge, and to vent her frustrations, however, she doesn't just kill them she rips them to pieces and tortures them in the most inhumane way possible until they're begging for death.

Why would anyone sympathize with the weak, predatory, pathetic noel who only ever makes excuses and blames others to run away from responsibility, over the stoic, strong ciel who is willing to hunt vampires forever to take responsibility for her actions.

Well here's the thing, *gestures for you to come closer, and then whispers in your ear* all the shit that Noel pulls, Ciel does that too. Ciel and Noel are either the same age, or around the same age, so if Noel is a predator for hitting on Shiki than so is Ciel. It's almost like something happened to them in their youths that stopped all their mental development rendering them both like mentally 16. Noel mercilessly slaughters vampires for revenge, and so does Ciel. She just does it offscreen. We don't know if she tortures them or anything, but remember when Ciel hunts Shiki, how she knows that Shiki is a helpless victim in all this and still goes out of her way to twist the knife, hurt him both physically and emotionally in every way possible before making the final blow.

The reason she acted that way during her and Shiki's confrontation isn't because she was stoically forcing herself to kill Shiki because that was the right thing to do, no she was projecting herself and her survivor's guilt for not killing herself before Roa went on his massacre all over Shiki. She was getting her revenge on a helpless victim because projecting on Shiki was a way for her to punish herself. Noel hates herself for being weak, Ciel hates herself for not being strong enough to slit her throat before everything happened (ergo being weak). They both deal with this self hatred by projecting that onto vampires, even vampires who were turned against their will (especially those ones tbh) and slaughtering them. They were both taken in by the church and taught to do that, so the church could get two child soldiers to send to die fighting vampreis. Ciel is Noel, and Noel is Ciel.

Not only does Noel project her past self and her weaknesses onto vampires, she projects herself onto Ciel. In that Noel really wants to be Ciel. Which is understandable, would you rather be, a girl who's only super power is... having an axe, or a girl with like seventeen million cool weapons, has more mana circuits than most mages, and is fucking immortal.

That's just the surface though, Noel is on like fifteen levels of projection with Ciel. Noel's identity is incredibly tied up in her complicated feelings towards Ciel, both because Ciel is the face of the person who committed every atrocity to Noel, but also because they are the two lone survivors of the same tragedy. Noel and Ciel both try to make themselves into tools for killing vampires to cope with their survivor's guilt, and their inability to conceive of themselves having a normal life after what they have been through. They also were both denied any chance at healing, because the church swept in and fashioned them into hunting dogs to sick on the vampires, and fight those vampires until they die. They are also both convinced that the church is right for doing this, and that deep down they either cannot have (Noel) or do not deserve (Ciel) normal lives while they both secretly pine for it anyway. Both of them are denied the chance for recovery, (because revenge does not heal), and Noel takes that one step further by deliberately driving a wedge into Ciel's recovery.

To quote you Comun, even though you're the one that sent this ask:

And Noel is a character inserted in Tsukihime to thwart Ciel's steady recovery. A constant reminder of what she lost and how the blood is in her hands. To cope with the sins Roa used her body for, Ciel chose to be the Holy Church's most professional extermination machine. Noel is the only survivor of her village because Elesia also died that night, being replaced with Ciel, who is fueled not by emotions but by a vampire kill count. And while Noel is a petty bitch at heart, she genuinely believes Ciel's post-trauma life choice and respects her capability to pull it off. There's no sabotage to their partnership not because Noel is afraid to defy someone a million times stronger than her, but because Noel wholeheartedly agrees with Ciel's choice to never recover and to pay blood for blood for the rest of her potentially eternal life. As long as Ciel stays Ciel, Noel's vengefulness is directed solely at Roa. But then Shiki enters Ciel's life bringing with him semblances of normal happiness. The murder machine began to regain emotions. And to Noel, that's a problem.

So part of this is you know, buying church propaganda. Ciel and Noel are both victims of the same church that does not heal or save people, and only doles out punishments on the guilty.

Part of this is an interesting twist that adds complexity to Noel's character, because like she could blame Ciel for the massacre like the church does, and like Ciel does herself, but as you point out Noel clearly wrestles with that. Noel feels a mix of envy for a twisted respect, one could even say love for Ciel's strength. Noel shows a much more nuanced reaction to Roa wearing Ciel's face and killing her entire family and torturing her for days on end, when she could take the church's approach, or even Ciel's approach towards Shiki. Noel even talks about at length how her and Ciel used to bond together by talking at night about how they were going to get revenge for everyone who died that day. Noel can't just see Ciel as the villain who took everything away from her, because they are the only two survivors of the massacre.

As you said there's no sabotage to their partnership, because despite Noel being the most petty bitch ever she never does anything to hurt or betray Ciel. The reason their partnership falls apart is entirely Ciel's fault. Sure, Noel was dancing on the edge of a cliff and not the most stable person to begin with, but it's Ciel's actions that push her off that cliff.

Not only does Noel drive thwart Ciel's recovery, she also makes Ciel look like a terrible person. Because, Ciel is a terrible person. In the same route where Shiki constantly lovebombs Ciel and constantly talks about all her good traits and what a hero she is, and Ciel gets several very cool action scenes making her look like a cool vampire slayer, we also witness to Noel's soul and heartcrushing downward spiral that is caused in part by Ciel kind of not really giving a shit about Noel's feelings. Noel's downfall could have been stopped at any point by Ciel simply lifting a finger, or just noticing her partner's obvious distres but instead what Ciel does is Noel completely out of the loop (like not telling Noel that she was waiting for Roa to reveal himself before attacking Shiki) .

Like, the scene where Noel turns into a vampire is directly caused by Ciel's actions. Noel reveals to Shiki that he's currently possessed by Roa. Ciel stands up for Shiki, in what we think is Ciel not wanting to believe that Shiki is possessed by Roa. However, what we learn instead is that Ciel only approached Shiki in the first place because she assumed he would be Roa's first target, and has been keeping by his side constantly waiting for Roa to appear so she can murk him.

So, all Ciel needed to do was TELL NOEL that she was playing the long game and ask Noel to wait a little longer before showing their hand, but apparently basic communication with her partner is too much effort for Ciel.

This leads into a scenario where not only does Noel think Ciel has broken their partnership (i mean she kinda has) but Ciel directly injures Noel pretty badly and leaves her alone. When Arach shows up to prey upon Noel, Noel can't even fight back by that point. Arach is the bus that hit Noel, but Ciel sure did throw Noel under that bus for no real reason.

I mean there is a story reason - it shows that Ciel may be an instrument of justice but she doesn't save people, in fact she does not give two figs about whether or not people are saved by her actions. Ciel obsessively hunting vampires, is not really that far off from Noel torturing vampires for her own sense of petty vengeance. However, Ciel hunts vampires offscreen so we as an audience don't see really the way, she treats the vampires she kills, but from the way she both foils Noel and also the sadistic way she draws out killing Shiki possessed by Roa as long as possible you can infer that she's not all too different from Noel. That's good actually, that Ciel seems like a good heroic person, but if you squint at her she's not much better than Noel, because like that's the entire point of her character the good, altruistic senpai never existed in the first place. All of Ciel's words about atonement and forgiveness are empty platitudes, just her regurgitating the words the church fed to her.

So finally to conclude, we have the culmination of the moebius strip, where Noel the apparent opposite of Ciel, slowly morphs into Ciel. Noel's flaws in a narrative sense led to her downfall, but let's be clear Noel had no fucking agency in her transformation into a vampire. She was hysterically begging for Arach not to do it. She was pinned and helpless to escape when it happened. It is Arach and Ciel's fault what happened to her.

Noel does make choices, but her choice amounts to not immediately killing herself the moment she became a vampire. She does take like 500 shots to become an ubervamp, but like, the story clearly states that once people become vampires their moralities and personalities are radically altered. So if that's a choice it's an influenced choice.

Therefore the only choice in that moment Noel is truly responsible for is not killing herself while she was still lucid. Irony upon ironies because that's exactly what she yells at vampires to do, bow down and let their heads be cut off by the executors. However, if Noel is guilty for not immediately offing herself, so is Ciel, so is Shiki. Both of these characters get saved while Noel gets old yeller'd. This is unfair and also, you guessed it, the point. Ciels revenge against vampires accomplishes nothing. Noel giving up her humanity for the shot at revenge against Ciel accomplishes nothing. It's almost like revenge doesn't heal, it just puts more pain and misery into the world. No one is saved by revenge.

Noel is fridged for Ciel's arc, and neither Ciel nor Shiki ultimately save her even though she's not all that responsible for her own downfall. This is not the narrative playing good victim and bad victim. If anything it makes Ciel look way worse as a person. The narrative even goes out of its way to say that both Ciel and Noel have a right to their revenge and in a situation like this the winner wasn't determined by who was right but who's stronger. Ciel has no moral high ground she just happens to be stronger, that's it. She doesn't take the higher road with Noel even after Shiki went to such great length to try to reach her emotionally and tell her she was still human, no Ciel makes no attempt to talk to Noel or take a third route she just murks her.

Noel is my favorite character for this route probably second favoeite overall behind Kohaku and I one hundred percent agree with fridging her, because it makes Ciel's character a hundred times better by giving her consequences for her flaws. It's one thing for Ciel to break down crying about how much she hates herself for being a cold merciless machine. It's another thing to have this demonstrated by Ciel letting her partner fall to the wayside by just not giving a shit about anyone's feelings or anything except for her personal quest against vampires.

Noel is a victim of the cycle of revenge, a pointless and harmful cycle. In a story that's thoroughly anti revenge as evidenced in the true end of hisuis route where Kohaku having achieved absolute perfect revenge and having her plan gone entirely right, takes a knife and gouges out her own heart with it. If that's not on the nose I don't know what is.

Its poignant comun that you told me that Nasu stated there's no good ending to Ciel's routes just a normal and a true because a good ending would have saved Noel. It might look like Ciel got off scott free but if you look at it, by killing Noel and denying Noel the chance at salvation Ciel damns herself too. Ciel has not escaped the cycle in the true ending, she's still hunting vampires at the behest of the church the only real change is she has a boyfriend now. I'd compare it to the ending of UBW vs Heavens Feel. In one Shirou has Rin's support but it's implied he'll eventually leave Rin anyway and become Archer, he just won't regret saving people as Archer did. He has not escaped the self destructive cycle. Whereas in Heaven's Feel, Shiro dies and is reborn and has to you know live as a person from now on.

Ciel did not end the cycle, she perpetuated it by killing Noel. You don't end the cycle of revenge with more revenge. Since Ciel did not end it she's still trapped in the cycle herself, and she still has support in the form of Shiki but the cycle will probably consume her the way it eventually consumed Shirou. She even broke out what was essentially the UBW with black keys when fighting against Vlov. It's just like that one post on Twitter said every few years or so someone reinvent the unlimited blade works!

#Ciel #Noel #Shiki tohno #Tsukihime

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accio-victuuri · 2 months ago

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THANK YOU, FILMMAKER WANG YIBO… 💕🫶🏼

this is a sort of recap post for the huabiao awards and basically a post to celebrate yibo and the amazing actor that he is. i know that we all have mixed feelings about this, and every other nomination that he didn’t win, but it’s important to go back to why we are here and support him. it’s because he is yibo and his works do not disappoint both the fans and the general audience. we already won when we watched those films — whenever that was for you.

we were all holding our breath if he will make it to the red carpet, sadly, he didn’t. that actually went on hs. his schedule was already so tight with the race and flying to qingdao. thankfully, his team took some excellent photos of him and with all the racer 85 related props 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

then as soon as he sat down, he was a bit late to the ceremony too, the host cued him and mentioned his name. he stood up and bowed to the audience. i love the cheers for him!

the award for outstanding actor was early, i guess all of us got nervous and hopeful that he will get it. he didn’t but he was so gracious. he was nodding and clapping. the tag on hs for him is how you can’t lipread what he’s saying. some are guessing that he said that it’s not easy, meaning it’s not easy to win it. and considering he was up against zhang yi, it makes sense.

you probably read about how hard it is to get nominated for this category. this award is given every 2 years. no distinction between supporting and main actor and there are only 2 nominees. just imagine all the eligible movies and actors — but still, yibo was chosen. he is the first post 90s actor to get nominated. and this is technically, within his first year of being a movie actor and releasing his works.

i have no bad blood with zhang yi. he is a well loved actor and what a coincidence that they both posted about each other’s movie before, and now, they ended up being nominated side by side.

yibo recognizes excellence. if anything, i’m sure this makes him want to strive more to be on that level. i’m trying hard to not quote timothee chalamet’s SAG speech here but it fits so well — “ i know we’re in a subjective business, but the truth is I’m really in pursuit of greatness. I know people don’t usually talk like that, but I want to be one of the greats.” and he is on his way to becoming one of the greats. it’s a privilege to watch him grow into that, and i hope we all stay on for years to come and see it happen.

the surprise was how he was actually gonna be onstage. not only that, he was there with zhang ziyi and jackie chan to give a tribute to Chinese Cinema. it makes me proud to see him be the representative of the young generation. because he really is. and he doesn’t even need to pretend and perform to be that — he already is. it comes natural to him.

overall, he was in a good mood. why wouldn’t he? he is attending an event celebrating the movies he worked hard for. tho my favorite is when he smiled like a kid after he presented on stage and how he was interacting with his seat mates — especially Ma Li.

lastly, i’ll talk about some pre-awards chatter. weeks before, people were talking about if yibo would go or not. moreso, if he will be nominated. it’s so ironic cause his antis were babbling about how people that are not invited are blacklisted cause it’s the 120th anniversary celebration. but lo and behold — not only is he attending. all the films he participated in are nominated. he is nominated as best actor. and during the broadcast, he went onstage with jackie chan and zhang ziyi. 😂😂😂😂

it’s the usual song and dance. it’s yibo’s favorite past time. proving his haters wrong.

same thing with them saying he is “banned” because it’s been a while since his last movie project - mermaid. clearly not. tonight’s program showed how he is the movie darling. he is just doing what he said he will be in his past interview, that he wants to experience the world to be able to be better in his craft. i couldn’t get that out of my head when he said it and that explains all his decisions. he is gonna be so selective with his next movie project and i’m excited what he picks next! he’s always had an excellent intuition of what roles will work well and challenge him. the rest can breathe for a while cause he is not coming for their wigs — yet. lol. i have a feeling that as soon as mermaid is out, he is gonna raise the bar again. we just have to wait patiently.

anyway, that’s all. the road ahead is long and we will continue to accompany actor wang yibo! 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼

#wang yibo #I AM TOXIC ACTOR WANG YIBO FAN MOST OF THE TIME #just an excuse to talk about yibo lol

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redsugarx · 3 months ago

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[EVENT RECAP] Spring, Skirts & Serpents: An Exploration in Hanfu

HELLO I am not dead! I see that some of my informational guide posts have been garnering attention recently; I will return to continuing that series soon, I have just been very busy x-x

I wanted to recap on this event that ate up my entire spring break (I posted about it a bit ago but I'm taking that post down so it doesn't get confusing). The event description is as follows:

"We will be presenting at “Spring, Skirts & Serpents: an Exploration in Hanfu” at Fremont Main Library (2400 Stevenson Blvd, Fremont, CA) on 3/29 from 1pm-2:30pm! We’ll be showcasing some of our Year of the Dragon + Year of the Snake designs runway style, followed by an interview-style talk (with me it's me I'm getting interviewed).

The event is in English and is free and open to the public, but space may be limited on the day of, so we’ve made sure you can preregister as VIPs and guarantee yourself a seat!"

As indicated, the event was held at Fremont Main Library in Fremont, CA. In addition to sharing some photos & videos, I want share the inner workings of making this event happen as well as reflect on some highlights/improvements that could be made.

Purpose

Several months ago I was approached by my past Chinese teacher Tung Laoshi (ya boi went to Chinese school for many years like a good little child, but transferred to private tutoring after elementary school) with an invitation to run a showcase event. For context, with the high concentration of Chinese-speaking families in the bay area, there's a fairly extensive network of Chinese teachers here—the circle closest to me is primarily Taiwanese (so we learn traditional characters instead of simplified). Tung Laoshi is a teacher in the Palo Alto area where I grew up. Wu laoshi was the other primary event coordinator, another Taiwanese Chinese teacher from Fremont, where the event was held, bringing in the support of the Wang & Wu Foundation.

Basically, the people organizing this event (other than me) were mostly coming from a Chinese education perspective. It's gotten harder and harder for these teachers to pique interest in Chinese language & culture from American-born kids. I'm not an exception to this, I hated going to Chinese school as much as any other kid, but due to a combination of factors including switching to private tutoring, higher-than-average immersion in Taiwan, and getting bribed with sweets, I ended up with a better handle on the language than a lot of other ABCs and ABTs (and running Cloud9 Hanfu DEFINITELY improved my language skills via immersion). From what I could gather, one of the questions at the core of their reasoning for holding this event was, why are you so interested in Chinese culture? How can I make my students/kids interested in it too? How do I get them to enjoy it enough to seek it out themselves, like you did, rather than needing to force them into begrudgingly learning it?

Honestly, I don't have a direct answer to that question. My appreciation for culture is multifaceted, driven by a combination of factors that aren't necessarily controllable. I can only hope that by sharing my work with everyone I can help inspire someone—if not the kids learning Chinese, then the teachers teaching it, to keep doing what they're doing.

On my side of things, this was an opportunity to share my work in person. I rarely hold events myself—Yulan deals with most of that, and has experience with several shows under her belt—but I have to say that, sort of like the Feynman technique, looking at my work through the lens of presentation to other people helped me get a lot of my thoughts in order and develop the concepts I wanted to express into intentional points.

I'm typically very very uncomfortable with public speaking, and will take any possible opportunity to move out of the spotlight, but I suppose I won't get better at it if I don't practice, and there will be times when it's necessary. After all, understanding the artist is crucial to understanding the art, so if I want to share my work then I will, to some extent, have to share about myself. It wasn't perfect, but it was an experience that I'm glad I went through :)

Prepwork

Preparations for the event were mostly concentrated into t minus 2 months or so. I was still in the depths of midterm hell for most of these two months and our MC Sandra was in Taiwan/Japan so we had to rely on Zoom for most of our meetings. Over this period we worked together to decide on an overall agenda, what sets we wanted to show, and the content of what we wanted to focus on for the interview.

Originally the event was supposed to be focused on the Year of the Snake collection alone, but our contact from Fremont Main Library felt that focusing on snakes only would drive away audiences that didn't like snakes, so we compromised on showing 4 sets from the Year of the Dragon collection and 5 sets from the Snake collection. The styling was mostly up to me, so during this time I put together the components of each of the 9 looks: the set, shoes, accessories, hair, makeup (kinda), etc. and made the necessary purchases.

Our 9 models ranged in age all the way from 7th grade to 31 years old. They were recruited from various places, some being students of the teachers, some being server members of Cloud9's discord. None of them had experience modeling, and very few of them had experience performing in any regard, but I think that choosing fresh faces to participate is a good thing: it gives new people a chance to experience hanfu, not limiting it to a small circle of people who are already invested in it.

We had one rehearsal a week before the event and another rehearsal on the morning on the 29th, so in total the models had maybe 5-6 hours of practice time to learn how to move around in clothes they'd never worn before, posing, coordinating with the MC etc.

The morning of was—not unexpectedly—a giant chaotic mess, but still fun nonetheless! I had to do nine people's hair in roughly 2 hours and barely finished before the event started. At the end of the day all nine models exceeded my expectations and presented beautifully :)

The interview portion was as terrifying as I expected but mostly went smoothly. I think I looked awkward as hell, but I at least didn't look like I wanted to dissolve into the floor, which is how I felt, so I'll count it as a success. For some reason the interview was cut really short, so there was a lot of content that we didn't really get to discuss, but I'm glad we got some of it out there: explaining the inspiration behind some of the sets in the snake collection, describing my experience & interest in hanfu, taking some questions and answers, etc etc.

Runway Lineup

KUKRI / 赤松子

Year of the Snake, Warring States Period, based on the Kukri snake, modeled by Natalie Chung. Natalie is in eighth grade and does competitive dance, and presented some of my favorite poses during the show. Her control of the giant sleeves was phenomenal, especially considering she had so little time to get used to them.

HUNDRED-PACER / 百步蛇

Year of the Snake, Han Dynasty, based on the hundred-pacer snake/Chinese moccasin, modeled by Edith Huang (ig: @ediithhuang). Edith is in eighth grade and has the tiniest waist I have ever set eyes on. I keep saying that it's like this set was made for her.

SPIRIT / 白素貞 + DRAGUN / 翠青兒

Year of the Snake, Northern & Southern Dynasties (specifically Northern Wei), inspired by the Legend of the White Snake, modeled by sisters Emma (ig: @eeeeemma_wang) & Audrey Wang (ig: @audreyolafz). Emma is a third year at UCSB and Audrey is a first year at UC Berkeley. They went up together with a pair of oil-paper umbrellas and executed the umbrella-spinning moves perfectly.

EQUINOX / 天欲暮

Year of the Dragon, Tang Dynasty, modeled by sword gremlin Kevin T. Wong (aka Sword Kevin or Sevin) (@ktw-shu). His aerial & sword flowers were a crowd favorite. During q&a we asked a little boy which set was his favorite and it was, unsurprisingly, this one. I also dared him to dab onstage.

HESPERUS / 升天行

Year of the Dragon, Tang Dynasty, modeled by Anyka Chan (ig: @an.bri.ka). Longtime server member. I don't know exactly what it is, but she carried this set with that kind of energy that just radiates out from her like she's glowing. The Tang beizi was not presented because we lowkey lost is oopsies.

AQUARELLE / 海霞紅

Year of the Dragon, Song Dynasty, modeled by Alicia Ho (ig: @lala38520). Alicia is in 7th grade, our youngest model this show, and I'll admit I was a little concerned, but as soon as the clothes + makeup + hair went up it was like she walked out of a painting. The white crown on her head is called a guan, popular in the Song Dynasty. This one was 3D printed.

MARQUIS / 隨侯珠

Year of the Snake, Ming Dynasty, modeled by Xing Chan (ig: @xingnificant). Xing Chan is a chemistry student at UC Berkeley. He has the most luscious hair ever and I will never stop asking for his haircare routine and then immediately forgetting what he said, causing me to ask about it yet again a month later.

SERAPHINE / 雲化龍

Year of the Dragon, Ming Dynasty, modeled by Lydia Wang (ig: @lydiaa_wang). Lydia is a sophomore in high school. As soon as she picked up the ruyi scepter on the day of rehearsal I knew I'd chosen the right model to close the show—this is a very elaborate set and can be hard to hold up, but she executed flawlessly.

Reflections

The Good Stuff

The models!!!!!! I am so thankful to everyone who volunteered their time to help out at this event but especially to the models, who had to spent hours on hours drilling their poses and had to go on stage one at a time all by themselves. Modeling isn't just as simple as walking across a stage either; the number of things that you have to remember at the same time is WILD: posture, expression, eye contact, focusing on shifting weight, coordinating timing with the MC, all while remembering the choreography that you're supposed to be doing. Everyone worked so hard and I'm so so grateful for their efforts, the results turned out beautifully.

Kept putting down our water bottles, losing track of them, and then needing to get a new water bottle because we couldn't remember which one was ours. I think I went through like five separate bottles.

Another thing was the Chinese teachers that helped out or attended as part of the audience. I haven't been in Chinese school in years, and when I actually was there I certainly didn't notice, but a lot of these women are really very hardworking, passionate teachers who find meaning in what they're doing. It was like I could see a ray of light shining in their eyes when I went up there, something to indicate that their efforts would not always be in vain. Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of hating on Chinese school too, but after hanging out with a lot of the aunties & teachers it's clear that, as immigrants, it really does bring them joy and inspiration to see cultural continuance. It was very heartwarming.

I think what makes it even more personal is that these were specifically Taiwanese teachers. Many of them still struggle with English, but they came anyway because it was worth it to them. And for me these are the voices I grew up around and how I learned the language (many people from China will mock Taiwanese accents, but it feels very familiar and comforting to me). It was significant to them that I—the person being interviewed—was Taiwanese too.

Katy Wu from Wang & Wu Foundation

Overall I think I gained a lot of exp from the event! I still hate public speaking with a seething passion but it did make me think about some of my motivations and ideas more cohesively, since I needed to present my thinking to the public. Ultimately I think I came out of this feeling even more strongly about what I do, and I'm glad I did it.

The Error Analysis

When you have events that have expenses and higher-ups in politics or big nonprofit organizations are invited, you have to spend a lot of time acknowledging sponsors and shaking hands. I will not lie, I didn't know like 80% of the Important People that I was told to shake hands with, all I can offer is that I'm glad they came to watch anyway. The whole PR side of things isn't something that I'm very comfortable doing, though, hence why I usually leave it to Yulan, and it was definitely not my favorite part of this event.

Other limitations including time and audience also made it so that I had to cut out a lot of what I wanted to say during the interview. We did briefly talk about what topics to focus on before the event, but otherwise the interview was entirely organic. Unfortunately that also meant that a lot of it was out of my control. It's hard to describe without getting into detail, but I do think that there were subjects that the other event organizers wanted to focus on that I didn't want to focus on, and things that we knew the audience would want to hear about that I didn't think were important. Compromises have to be made!

Anyka doing her eyeshadow :>

Chaos is mandatory during event planning, but I also think that switching the topic from year of the snake -> snakes & dragons made it much less cohesive. I talked about the inspiration behind the year of the snake collection during the interview and highlighted a few specific sets for their connections to folklore & adjacent cultures, but the dragon sets were kind of just not mentioned. Not sure if audience members noticed it but it felt weird to me.

Another thing is that after discussing with my parents after the event (it's a thing we do, my dad likes to Get Deep into things), I realized that the event presented me as a designer and only as a designer. This is similar to how I depict myself online usually, but the truth is that there's more behind it that I didn't do a good job at communicating: I don't just draw pictures of clothes, I do a mind-numbing amount of research, international logistics tracking, supply chain management, etc. etc. to make this happen, and I do sometimes wish I was able to express that, because it's a big part of what I'm doing.

Conclusions

I am SO TIRED, this ate up all my energy for two months and then I had to take my special relativity midterm right after the event. I'm probably not going to have the energy for something like this for a while! That being said, going through the whole process was really fun and interesting and I'm curious about more events—informational, in person, online, whatever—in the future. With any luck, the more I do them the better I'll get at them, right?

Backstage shenanigans. Screenagers smh

Anyway, this post is long enough as it is. If anyone who attended sees this, hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for coming!!!!!!!!! Otherwise I will go gorge myself on post-midterm snacks to untwist my brain from quantum physics. <3

Press:

SF Epoch Times - 穿越千年時光灣區漢服秀展現華夏章服之美

Worldjournal - 「蛇龍舞春漢服演繹」活動洪兆寧設計9套漢服感受傳統魅力

OCAC News - Cultural Fusion on the Runway: ‘Spring, Skirts & Serpents’ Highlights Hanfu Designs

快樂方程式 - 認識漢服之美由Ariel 與董秀婷老師介紹蛇龍舞春的漢服活動

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jananakookie · 4 months ago

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Rumor Has It | pjm - Chapter 8

💬 Pairing: Jimin x OC (Reader)

💬 Genre/Tags: enemies(?) to lovers, fake-dating au; angst, fluff, smut

💬 Chapter warnings: Jimin has dirty thoughts, bits of jealousy here and there

💬 Word count: 8.2k

💬 Recap:

Rumor has it, Park Jimin is single again after his latest girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend.

Rumor has it, he's willing to get back at them.

Rumor has it, you're the perfect means to an end.

Previous Chapter - Index - Next Chapter

Chapter 8: Past Ties, Present Tensions.

A week has passed since Jimin's and your night together. You shouldn't be so relaxed about it, but you must admit it was probably the best thing that could have happened to you two.

Admittedly, the morning after was a bit awkward at first. You weren't sure what to say and didn't know how he would react. Luckily, you're both pros at shaving off unpleasant situations and not taking yourselves too seriously, so it passed quickly. Not long after, you were yourselves again, fooling around and making jokes about it.

Now it feels like you just fucked away all the sexual tension and frustration that was undoubtedly in the air, making more room for the things that really matter. Like saving your reputation and… whatever Jimin wants out of this.

You have stopped trying to understand what he wants from Yeji. After your last talk, you're sure his biggest anger is directed at Taehyung instead of her. It's up to him if he can forgive her and wants her back––even if you could never understand it. It's not your place to judge his love life.

Once this deal is over, you'll likely have no further connection with him, so it's best not to get too involved in his life in the first place. He neither wants nor needs your advice. While things may seem friendlier now, you're still nothing but a means to an end. And that end is supposed to be Yeji.

It shouldn’t feel so strange to think about this, but you can’t change your feelings. You can say many things about him, and not everything will be positive, but Jimin is basically your life right now—in the most unromantic way possible. The status of your relationship doesn’t really matter; he is still the sole reason you’ve been leaving your house lately, whether you like it or not.

It's the events he invites you to, his friends you spend time with, and he's the only reason you can be around people without receiving stupid comments.

In a way, this is the best time you've had in a while, but it's just an illusion. As sad as it sounds, you had nothing before him and you'll have nothing when he's gone again. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

These are the thoughts that keep you awake these days and these are the reasons why you need this emotional distance from him. At the end of the day, he’s not your friend and he never will be.

Even now, this moment, while you're spending time with Nayeon, these thoughts are buzzing around in your head and distracting you from what she is saying.

“You can join me and my cousin on our shopping trip. I’ll show you around, we’ll go clubbing… just us girls. It would be so much more fun with you around,” Nayeon suggests, pouting a little to pursue you.

You grin, leaning back against the tree with a contended sigh as you shake your head. “An extended weekend alone won’t kill me, Nayeon. I’ll be fine,” you counter. “I don't mind being on my own for a while. And don’t act like I could afford any of that,” you wink, partly joking, partly not. The shops Nayeon and her cousin shop at are a hundred percent out of your financial capability.

“I’ll pay?” She sends you an innocent grin but quickly takes it back when she sees the look you give her and replaces it with a displeased growl. “Then ask Jimin for some pocket money! It's the least he can do if he's going to leave you here alone for four days,” she whines, sending death glares to a nonpresent Jimin.

“I told you before, I’m the one who didn’t want to come and I’m totally fine with staying here by myself for a few days. I promise.”

There's an upcoming extended weekend, and Jimin is spending it with his family in their vacation home in God knows where. He’s asked you multiple times to join them, telling you his parents have asked you to come and join them but you declined for many reasons. The biggest one is that you have no business being there on their family vacation.

The first time you met his family was nerve-wracking enough; you don't have to repeat that, especially not for several days at a time––you know you'll mess it up somehow.

“He hasn’t spent any time alone with his family in forever. I’ll let him have that,” you explain. “We really don’t need to see each other every single day. That’s not healthy anyway,” you try to reason, although Nayeon strongly disagrees.

“As his girlfriend, you’re a part of his family. He’d love to have you there, I’m sure.”

You love how concerned she is for you but it’s hard when she never accepts your excuses as to why you can’t always do these lovey coupley stuff things with her best friend and it’s a little bothersome.

“Nah, sorry. I already have a hot date with my TV and a frozen pizza. Gotta get back to my roots,” you wink, earning a soft slap to your shoulder that makes you laugh. “Mijoo’s boyfriend isn’t coming either so I thought it’d be a good opportunity.”

“Yeah but no one wants him there in the first place, I’m afraid,” Nayeon states.

“Not you too! Leave that poor kid alone, oh my God.”

Nayeon bursts into laughter, and you can’t help but join in, although you still feel a bit guilty about it. As your laughter gradually fades, you notice Jimin approaching. His dance lesson has run over time again, and you both agreed to meet here once he finishes. You see him scanning the area for you, and finally, his gaze lands on you after Nayeon kindly waves him over.

You show him a smile, which he returns before someone seems to call him from behind and he stops and turns.

From a distance, you can't understand anything, but you can see that Leah is the one who approaches him and gives him something. Jimin takes it and says something before he turns back around but she quickly grabs his arm and says something else.

“Ugh, I hate when she does that.”

You tear your gaze from the scene to Nayeon, who is watching them as well but with a displeased frown on her otherwise perfect face.

“Who? Leah?” You ask as she nods affirmatively.

“She just can't let it go, it’s pathetic,” she sighs, looking at you. “You’re better than me. If I were in your shoes, I would have told her off by now.”

You scoff out a laugh. “Aren’t you a bit dramatic? She’s not doing anything. As far as I know, Jimin is helping her with an upcoming performance or something.”

“Babe, trust me. She doesn’t need his help for anything, she just wants to be around him,” she replies, looking displeased.

You pause for a moment while you study Leah's body language. Her hand is still on Jimin's arm, and even at that distance, it's clear she's flirting. It reminds you of the dance lesson you accidentally barged into and how she behaved there. Maybe Nayeon is not entirely wrong. But this is technically none of your business although you can’t tell her that.

You shrug, fishing your phone out of your pocket, and try to occupy yourself with something else instead. “I’m sure he can handle one or two fangirls.”

“Of course. I didn’t want to plant any negative thoughts into your head, I’m sorry if I did that.” Nayeon apologies. “It’s just… given the circumstances, it would probably bother me more than you right now but maybe that’s the problem. I'm so pre-loaded by my previous relationship that I lack confidence. Jimin would never do anything like that. He's not like Taehyung.”

You understand what she means. Her history with Taehyung has left her with scars, but you're sure that she's far from being the only one who feels this way. You even have your own trust issues. You would never judge her for that. And even if you don't see this situation with Leah as half as dramatic as Nayeon does, there's still something in what she said that makes you wonder.

“What circumstances?”

She halts for just about a moment before she speaks. “Well you know… their past and all that. It would bother me if I was in your position.”

Nayeon sounds hesitant and her face changes from concerned to alarmed when she sees the confusion in your eyes.

“He hasn’t told you.”

“Hasn’t told me…”

“That they used to sleep with each other,” she explains. “She was basically the one to help him get over Yeji. You must know about that, no?”

Her reaction suggests that your silence is enough of a response. “I’m so sorry, ___! I didn’t know! I shouldn’t have said anything.” Nayeon sounds genuinely heartbroken for you and you wonder if your facial expression is doing anything it isn’t supposed to. So you quickly gather yourself and offer her an uninterested shrug.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m fine.”

“You know what? You’re right.“ Nayeon scoffs, sending glares toward Jimin. “He was the one who should have told you. I can’t believe he didn’t,” she fumes.

“He doesn’t have to tell me about everyone he was sexually involved with before we even met,” you reason. He doesn’t have to tell you anything really. Although it would have been nice if you had known since you feel pretty stupid now.

"I believe it would be the most respectful thing to inform you about that if it involves someone he is clearly still in contact with," she insists. "He's a good guy. I know it might not mean anything, but it feels pretty inconsiderate towards you."

You must admit that she has a point here. If Jimin was your actual boyfriend, it would probably make you feel uncomfortable, which is why you can understand Nayeon's reaction. But he isn’t your boyfriend and you’re not allowed to feel anything towards this revelation so the fact that it does bother you in some way, is bothering you in a whole different way.

“You have to talk to him about it. I love him, but his stupid boy brain probably doesn't even know he's done anything wrong, so you have to confront him about it, okay?”

“I will,” you sigh. “Just don’t say anything now,” you plead, seeing Jimin walk over to you.

He’s smiling as he breaks into a soft jog to join you a little sooner but it disappears as soon as his eyes fall on Nayeon’s death glare, that’s undoubtedly directed at him.

“Hey. Sorry, it took me so long.”

“I’m sure you are.” Nayeon doesn’t hold back even a little and you’re going to strangle her later for making this a bigger deal than it has to be.

He looks at her confused, giving you a chance to send glares her way. “What crawled up your ass?”

Nayeon ignores your subtle hints and grabs her bag before looking at him with a look that’s anything but nice. “Your audacity, Jimin. Your audacity.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He is now directing his question more toward you, realizing that he is not on Nayeon’s good side right now even if he has no idea why.

You don’t even know what to say or do, so you just avert your eyes and try not to get involved.

Nayeon doesn’t say anything else to him and just waves at you to tell you she’ll leave now, not without giving you a certain look that tells you to have that talk with Jimin.

Moments like this make you wish she knew the truth. It's unfair to lie to her when there's no good reason. Plus, you feel guilty for constantly lying to your friend.

She probably wouldn't approve of your plan, but she wouldn't tell anyone either. You can be sure of that. Besides, it would make so many things easier, especially for you. Sometimes you just need someone to complain to about Jimin. Jungkook doesn't count.

“Am I tripping or is she mad at me?” Jimin asks you this time directly.

“Yes, she is.” You sigh, dreading this conversation already.

“Well, are you going to tell me the reason?”

You let out a quiet groan and cover your face with your hands. “Why didn’t you tell me you used to be involved with Leah?” you blurt out, immediately cursing yourself for sounding so offended.

Jimin looks taken aback, opening and closing his mouth a few times before clearing his throat. He gives a somewhat shy smile and rubs the back of his neck. “I didn’t think that would be important.”

You hate yourself for even bringing it up and now having to have this conversation with him when it concerns something that is none of your business. You don't even want to imagine what he might think.

“It’s not!” You squeal, coughing right after. The words leave your mouth a little too fast. “I mean, I don’t care,” you clarify, watching him just nod his head but looking even more confused.

“Yea, didn’t think you would which is why I never said anything,” he chuckles. “So why are you asking me now?”

You groan again, cursing not only yourself but Nayeon for bringing it up. “I don’t even know. It’s stupid.”

However, you've already said too much and you know he isn't going to relent now, so you decide to give him a quick run-through of your and Nayeon's conversation earlier.

“Nayeon was complaining about her 'still trying with you' and was wondering why I was so okay with it considering your past. I clearly didn’t know what she meant and now she’s mad at you because she thinks you intentionally kept this little detail from me—which would be pretty shitty from you if we were actually dating which we aren’t, but I can’t tell her that so… it’s awkward now. Sorry.”

Jimin sighs, rolling his eyes in annoyance. “This is typical for her. She loves sticking her nose in other people’s business and making it her problem. She’ll come around,” he waves it off, seemingly not giving it a second thought, which is not to your satisfaction.

You don’t agree with him on this. He might be right about her making your situation her problem but she doesn't do it out of boredom or because she's curious. You understand her intention behind it.

“I think you misjudge her reaction,” you say, crossing your arms in defense. “She’s just trying to be a good friend to me. Purposely keeping that from me would be a pretty shitty thing from you if we were actually dating which we aren’t. But she doesn’t know that and I can’t tell her so… it’s not her fault. She’s being a real one.”

Jimin scoffs and turns away from you, checking his phone without saying another word, which only makes you angrier.

“Why the attitude now?” You confront him, not seeing the point of letting him off so easily. Not when he decides to be immature about this.

“What attitude, ___?” He sighs, clearly showing that he is now tired of you as well.

“You’re being a dick about it and I don’t get why,” you snap.

“I’m not being a dick. I just don’t feel like discussing my past hookups right now and I still don’t get why you care.”

“I don’t care!” You state, starting to really get annoyed. “You can do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t involve me and guess what? It does. It would have been nice to know that you've slept several times with that one girl you always have private dance lessons with and who is always around you, so I don't look like a clueless idiot when I'm asked about it. Cause tell you what, it was really fucking awkward and it was just Nayeon. I don’t even want to imagine what everyone else is saying about it. You think that has no influence on what is said about us?”

“For the record, she’s not always around. At all. We share a dance class and sometimes I stay behind to help her with something she doesn’t quite get. Nothing more, nothing less. I’ve never heard anyone say anything about it because I’m very careful about that and I still don’t get why it's that big of a deal for you. Why does it matter what a few individual idiots might think? Everything is going great.”

“Oh?” You raise your brows, feigning surprise. “That’s interesting because I remember it was a very big deal for you when this was about Jeon and me.”

“That was different—”

“Why?“ You cut him off. “Because you were the one that was made fun of? Because you can handle it better when people talk about me instead of you?”

Jimin’s eyes go soft at your words and he lowers his head with a soft sigh. “No, of course not.”

Your gaze on him remains sharp as he looks at you again.

“I didn’t think about that. I’m sorry. I didn’t consider what it’s like from your perspective.” He rakes his fingers through his hair, and you hate yourself for how attractive you think he looks right now when this is the completely wrong moment for thoughts like that.

“Look, what happened between Leah and me was never anything serious. Not in the slightest. We hooked up for a while because it was convenient. Well, at least for me but that was it. It was just a couple of times and we always parted right after so… no big deal. I didn’t tell you about it because it wasn’t necessary at the beginning; we weren’t close or anything and we barely ever hung out when we didn't have to. She recently asked me if I could help her with a few new steps and I thought nothing of it and agreed. That’s it. But I understand your concerns and she undoubtedly is a bit… clingy. I’ll tell her to find someone else to help her.”

“No, you don’t have to do that,” you frown. “That’s not what I wanted.”

“But you’re right. It really doesn’t look good. And she does get a bit too close at times. I don’t want her to get any wrong ideas. I’m taken after all,” he argues, sending a wink your way that makes a strange feeling appear in your stomach area.

“Do whatever you need to do. I just don’t want to be involved.”

He hums, not saying anything more. You don’t look at him but when he turns strangely quiet you do, seeing him smirk at you.

“What?” You ask, arching a brow.

Jimin chuckles, wrapping his arm around you and bringing you closer to his side. “You’re kinda hot when you’re jealous.”

You almost spit out the remains of your drink, suddenly getting into a coughing fit as you hear Jimin’s sinister laugh next to your ear.

“I am NOT jealous!” You deny and deliberately push him away from you. “Have you understood anything of what I just explained to you?”

You pout, realizing he doesn’t take you seriously at all; he’s still laughing so hard that his eyes disappear completely. Fed up with him, you stand up, ready to leave and escape from him. However, he reacts quickly and grabs your hand before you can go, pulling you back into him.

“Man. This is going to be hard,” he sighs, fighting against your attempts to get yourself free from his grip and smiling when your groans turn into slight giggles.

After you have regained your composure, you find yourselves in a position that does not suggest that you were arguing just a few minutes before. Jimin is leaning against the tree and you're lying on your back with your head in his lap. You enjoy the feeling of him playing with your hair as you absentimindedly pick apart a daisy.

It's a calming atmosphere that even allows you to ignore the noise of other students.

“You’re gonna be okay this weekend?” Jimin's soft voice suddenly rings out.

You form an answer with a certain look you give him. “Why is everyone asking me this as if I’m incapable of being by myself? It’s just four days. I’ll survive,” you chuckle, trying to poke his cheek from your current position to get rid of that intense stare he's giving you.

“I know you will but just in case… My parents would love to have you there,“ he says.

“Me, not so much, but I would cope,” he then jokes, sending you a wink with it. “The house is right by the sea. Could be romantic. You, a bikini, me…”

“Ew, I don't need any more reasons not to come, Park. I've already made up my mind,” you cringe, dramatically shaking your head to dispel the image as you lift your head from his lap and sit up next to him.

“But it’s going to be so boring!” He whines, dramatically falling flat on the grass and covering his face. “I wanna make out on the beach,” he pouts peaking at you through his fingers.

“You’ve never been less desirable,” you say in a dry tone, occupying yourself with your phone, not noticing him creeping up behind you until you feel his lips on your neck, reaching that spot right under your ear. Goosebumps break out all over your arms, and of course he notices. It makes you shut up real quick.

“You were saying?” He rasps, and even if you can’t see his face right now, you can imagine that huge smirk on his lips just fine.

You straighten your back as you turn and look around to make sure nobody is watching you as you clear your throat. “Whatever. It won’t happen.”

Jimin lets out a long sigh, mumbling something about this being the longest four days of his life, but he doesn’t pester you any further, which you’re very thankful for.

“I received an invitation to Leah’s birthday party,” he informs you. “Are we going? It’s next week, apparently.”

You put your phone away and raise a brow in question as you look at him. “You’re asking me?”

“Well yes. We’re only going if it’s okay with you. If you think it could be uncomfortable, perhaps we should leave it alone. Your decision.” For a change, he sounds genuinely interested in your opinion on this without trying to annoy or make fun of you.

You feel warm, knowing that despite his teasing, he understood your earlier conversation and is willing to let you decide what to do.

“Was it you who received the invitation or us?” You grin, aware that there must be a reason Leah invited him separately from everyone else.

“Inviting me automatically means inviting you too,” he scoffs, not sharing your perspective. “She knows that.”

“If you say so,” you shrug. “You know her better than I do.”

Why you feel the need to say that, you don’t even know and you bite your tongue right after, hating yourself for sounding so grumpy and silly when you already moved on from that topic. Plus you don’t want Jimin to get the wrong idea again because you are not jealous. You’re not.

Lucky for you, he doesn’t catch up on your tone. It’s either that or he doesn’t comment on it, and knowing Jimin, he surely would.

You don’t see the appeal in another unnecessary conflict so you swallow your distaste and muster up a smile. “We should go.”

“Really?” Judging by his expression, Jimin did not expect to hear that from you.

“Sure.” You shrug. “Why not?”

“Okay,“ he nods, showing you a considerate smile. “But now let's go back to the bikini one more time—”

You don't let him finish the thought before you stand up, rolling your eyes and telling him you’re going home.

It’s late and you’re already tucked under your cozy blanket, laying on your uncomfortable couch and scrolling through your phone when your doorbell rings.

You’re certain you didn’t order anything; your mom would have called you first, and Jimin should be out with his family by now. So, your introverted and lazy self decides to ignore whoever it is at the door.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long before the doorbell rings again.

Ringing the wrong doorbell once might be a mistake, but if the person tries again, it could be important. By now, you’re almost convinced that it must be Jimin making one last attempt to get you to join him in living out his unfulfilled fantasies.

You’re not exactly thrilled about being interrupted during your me-time, so when you open the door, you respond with a curt, “What?” However, your irritation turns to embarrassment when you find your new neighbor standing in front of you.

You saw each other for the first time a few weeks ago when he moved in, but you only had a fleeting conversation. He's the last person you expected to see at this time of night.

You gasp, quickly trying to cover yourself in front of the stranger. It's not that you're inappropriately dressed, but standing in front of a stranger in your much too big pajamas when you're not even wearing your bra doesn't happen usually.

“I'm sorry, I hate to bother you this late,” he apologizes, seeing how startled you look.

“No, no! I’m the one who’s sorry. I was expecting someone else,” you chuckle, brushing a loose strand behind your ear in a desperate attempt to make yourself look a bit less… unkempt.

“Can uhh can I help you with anything?”

Your neighbor, you think you remember his name is Luca, nods and seems to remember the reason why he knocked on your door in the first place. “Yeah sorry, I was wondering if maybe you have a few eggs for me? I haven't managed to do any proper grocery shopping yet due to the stress of moving house and I just finished my workout. Need to get some protein in.”

His answer makes you grin inwardly. Of course, he's a gym bro. Jimin would have a field day making fun of him for that response alone.

“Sure, wait a second. I’ll get them.” You close your door, leaving a small crack open, as you head back into your apartment to get the eggs. It's odd that the door is now wide open when you return, and your neighbor is peering inside with curious eyes.

His gaze then falls on you as you come closer and hand him the box, which he takes with gratitude but he’s not making any moves to leave yet. “Your apartment looks just like mine, but mirrored,” he says, more or less just stating the obvious.

“Yes, they’re pretty much all built the same.”

You don’t want to be rude, but you wish he would leave now. Small talk isn’t your strongest suit and you still don’t feel comfortable in your current attire especially when your opponent is very handsome even in just a simple tank top and joggers. Unfortunately for you, he seems to be a friendly one, so you think it can't hurt to be friendly as well. You're neighbors now, so you'll be seeing and talking to each other more often anyway. No need to immediately show him how secluded you usually are.

“So… have you settled in yet?”

His face immediately brightens at your question and you feel a bit of sympathy. It must be hard to move to a new city where you don't know anyone yet. Although this does sound like your ideal dream, he seems like he's happy to be able to talk to someone here.

“I have. I really like it here so far.” He smiles, looking genuine. “I’ll start my new job after the holidays and I guess that is going to be a challenge, but I still have a few days until then to really settle in some more. It'll be fine.”

You spent some more time to talk and get to know him a bit and you learn that he's really quite nice, if a little too flirty at times. Not like Jimin and also not like Jungkook but in a different way that is sometimes a little bit too much for you. But it could also be because he's still a stranger to you and you don't know exactly how to deal with it. All in all, he seems fine and you're glad that someone like him has the apartment next to yours.

As you laugh at something he said, someone enters the front door of your apartment building. You don’t pay much attention to it at first. Out of the corner of your eye, the person in the black hood looks familiar, but you assume it’s just another neighbor coming home.

Sensing the person approaching, you both finally turn to look in his direction. Even with the hood pulled down low over his face, you recognize him immediately.

Hearing the sound of your laughter, Jimin tilts his head up. His eyes lock onto you for a moment before glancing over at your new next-door neighbor with a raised brow.

“What are you doing here this late? I thought you had a family thing going on,” you gasp, momentarily forgetting your companion as your focus shifts to Jimin. At first glance, he appears a bit worn and tired, making you wonder if something happened, considering he should be at the Park family residence by now.

“I uh…“ he starts, sighing before he offers you a small smile. “Long story, actually. Can I come in?”

His hesitant reply makes you wary but you don't yet comment on it and give him a bit more space to enter your apartment. “Of course, come in.”

Jimin squeezes in next to you, and in your astonishment, you completely forget about Luca until you hear him clear his throat to make himself known.

“So, um, see you around, I guess?” he says with a chuckle, a bit uncomfortable. You immediately feel guilty about your rudeness. It seems wrong to abruptly cut off your conversation, but you don't want to make Jimin wait, and it's getting late. So, you offer Luca an apologetic smile and nod before wishing him a good night, which he returns.

Once inside, you find Jimin already raiding your fridge. “Who was that?” He asks nonchalantly when he notices you behind him.

“Hm? Oh, no one,” you wave off, more interested in why he’s here. But then you suddenly notice something. “Oh my God, what happened to your hand?” You gasp as you examine his swollen, bruised hand.

“Mijoo and Dickface broke up,” he says, not seeming the slightest bit phased.

“What?” you exclaim. “Did you hit him? Jimin, he’s seventeen! He’s a minor!”

“He broke her heart, I broke his nose.” He shrugs carelessly. “Sounds fair to me.“

You can't believe how uninterested he is in such a situation. “You could get in so much trouble for this you big idiot,” you scoff.

“I know. My dad yelled at me for an hour. You don’t need to remind me. And still, I’d do it again,” he shrugs. “He shouldn’t have hurt her. I warned him from the start not to mess with her.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose, trying to let everything sink in for a moment before you sigh. Focus on the important things first. "How is she?"

"I didn't talk to her much. When I got home, she was crying. As soon as I learned what had happened, I went to see Chanyeol. When I returned home, my parents blocked me and screamed at me until I left voluntarily. And now I'm here," he explains, chugging a big glass of water in almost one go.

“You’re unbelievable.“

“Unbelievably hot?“ He grins, unmistakably trying to lift the mood a little.

“Unbelievably stupid,” you object. “What if he or his parents decide to report this? It won't look good on your resume. And if it gets around town with your father's business partners, have you considered that?“

He doesn’t respond, but the frown on his face shows that he clearly hasn’t thought about it.

“Look, no matter what you have to say, I promise you my dad has already said it,“ he sighs, gripping the empty glass tightly in his hand before placing it on the counter. “I appreciate your concern for my future, but I didn't come here for another lecture. I came here to escape exactly that.”

You're about to tell him that you don't care and that you're still going to lecture him all you want when you notice how exhausted he looks. His hand appears to be hurting badly, given how much he winces whenever he tries to move his fingers.

And instead, you go soft.

“Show me your hand,“ you demand, trying not to let on that you care a bit too much.

He looks up from it surprised but doesn’t make a move as he shakes his head. “Ah, it’s not that bad—“

“Jimin.“ You call out in a warning tone. “Let me see.“

He sighs but reluctantly offers you his hand so you can inspect it. It’s swollen, and the skin around his knuckles is slightly torn, but other than that, it doesn’t seem too serious. “You’re lucky; it doesn't appear to be broken,” you say, glancing up into his eyes and noticing that he’s already looking at you.

You take a moment to grab a cold pack from your freezer, wrap it in a cloth, and place it in Jimin's hand. “This should work for now. Well, it’s all I can do anyway.”

“Thanks,” he replies, giving you a kind smile, though it’s clear there’s something else on his mind. You decide to press him for more information.

“What is it?” you ask.

“Would it be okay if I stayed the night?” he asks hesitantly. “Things got a bit heated at home, so I left without my stuff. As far as I know, the guys aren’t home tonight, so I wouldn’t be able to get into my place either.”

You didn't expect him to leave in the first place, and since you have no plans, you tell him that his request isn't a problem for you.

Jimin looks incredibly relieved when he realizes he doesn't have to go back to his parent's house—at least for today. You're glad to be able to give him that. Even if he can be annoying, you wouldn't just let him run off in such a situation.

“So, you canceled a romantic weekend at the beach and the exclusive chance to see me lying in the sun, shirtless and sweaty, for this?” He suddenly asks, gesturing to your baggy pajamas, the fluffy blanket, and the now cold tea on your little coffee table.

You'd rather interrogate him about what happened at his parents' house than engage in that type of banter again, but you recognize that he clearly doesn't want to discuss it and is trying to lighten the mood.

“Looks like it,” you shrug. “Thanks for interrupting my plans for the evening.”

He lets out a soft, humorless laugh, his eyes intensely focused on your face. “Yeah, seemed like I was interrupting indeed.”

Taken aback by his sudden use of a sassy tone, you raise a brow in question. “Excuse me?” You ask, copying his tone. “Is there anything you have to say?”

“It was just an observation. That’s all.” He pretends not to care, but you know him better than that.

“Oh.” You smirk, enjoying the turn of events a little too much. “Look who’s jealous now.”

“Jealous? What is there to be jealous of?” He chuckles, looking nothing short of cocky while you watch him with a cheeky smile.

“Just checking,” you shrug. “You’re kinda hot when you’re jealous,” you mimic his earlier words, feeling superior for a total of three seconds before you’re pressed against the counter.

“And I think you’re very hot in your wrinkled, worn-out pajamas. What are we gonna do about that?” He’s testing you, his gaze slowly shifting from your eyes to your lips.

You can clearly feel his breath on your lips as he patiently waits for you to do the next step, which is a definite indicator that he’s too close. So you let your hands rest on his chest for a second, feeling his heartbeat steadily pound against it as he comes even closer. And then you lightly push him off and bring some much-needed space between you, leaving him confused and taken aback for a moment.

“You can take a shower if you want. I’m heading to bed soon, I’m tired,” you say, walking off without giving him as much as another look.

But before you leave the room entirely, you halt and turn back around to see him standing there, still in the same position, looking rather confused. “Jimin?” You call his name to get his attention.

When his eyes find yours just a beat later, you continue. “What happened between us a couple days ago,” you start. “It was a one-time thing. And it won’t happen again,” you clarify.

Jimin’s expression is somewhat dumbfounded at first but he quickly covers it up with his typical smirk and a leisurely nod. “I know. Relax.”

Then you turn away, leaving him to take a shower while you are left with your thoughts.

It seems that spending nights with Jimin has slowly become a regular occurrence, and it's surprising how little this seems to bother you. Sharing a bed with him has never felt strange, and you can’t quite explain why.

Normally it should be strange, right?

But he's lying here, next to you in your bed in nothing but his briefs. You can feel the warmth of his body radiating towards you, you can smell his freshly showered body, and you can hear him breathe. And it's pleasant. It's nice.

“He has a crush on you.“ Jimin’s voice silently rings through the dark room, keeping you from your thoughts.

You lift yourself up on one arm and glance over your shoulder. You can’t see him clearly, but he appears to be lying on his back, one arm tucked behind his head. He turns his head to look at you as well.

“Your neighbor,“ he clarifies, taking your silence as a clue that you don’t know who he is talking about.

You laugh humored, shaking your head. “A crush. Are we twelve?“

“He's interested in you. Clearly.“

You roll your eyes and then fall back onto your back, rolling over. He hasn't even met him—only caught a glimpse for a total of ten seconds without exchanging a word—and yet he is already making assumptions?

“Don’t be ridiculous. He was asking for eggs,“ you explain. “And I'm not his type.“

“What is that supposed to mean?“ he mocks, acting as if he couldn’t imagine why you wouldn’t be his type.

“You know what that’s supposed to mean,“ you say tiredly.

“That you aren’t ready to trade chili cheese nuggets with unseasoned chicken breast?“ He asks, making you internally laugh for knowing he'd make fun of Luca for being a gym rat.

“Exactly.“

He hums, seemingly agreeing with you.

You're on the brink of sleep, when he talks again. “But would you let him hit?“

“Jimin!“ You gasp, suddenly wide awake again at his bold question.

“What? It’s a fair question. You don’t have to date someone to sleep with them.“

“That is none of your business and I’m not answering that. Good night.“

He doesn’t say more for a while and you think you made it when suddenly, “He probably doesn’t even know where the clit is.“

You groan, getting up without further ado, making him sit up in a matter of seconds as well.

“Where are you going?“ he asks, almost panicky.

“Away from you. I'll sleep on the couch.“

You don’t get very far before a hand gently wraps around your wrist, pulling you into his body. His arms then encircle your waist, and he playfully lifts you up, only to throw—yes, literally throw—you back onto your warm bed, causing you to shriek out a laugh.

“Don’t even think about it, babygirl. You‘re stuck with me tonight.“

You‘re still laughing when his fingers softly brush against the skin of your stomach as he clings himself to you and cuddles you right into his chest, literally spooning you and holding you too tightly for you to try and make another escape.

“You're not thinking about sleeping like this are you?“

“Just for tonight,“ he murmurs into your ear, his breath tickling the skin on your neck and making goosebumps appear all over your body once again. You pray he doesn’t notice but he at least doesn't comment on it.

“I'm badly injured,“ he reasons.

“Badly injured him?“ You snicker.

Jimin hums softly again, appearing noticeably sleepier than he did just a couple of minutes ago.

“I warn you, Park, if I wake up with your boner poking my ass, I‘ll never talk to you again,“ you warn him. There's no answer anymore so you adjust yourself and make yourself comfortable to finally get some sleep.

The next morning, you wake up alone in your bed, confused by the cold air and the noises coming from somewhere in your apartment. Since you live alone, you wonder why you’re hearing these sounds while you’re still in bed. Then, you remember last night and realize that you fell asleep with Jimin but woke up without him. You assume the noises are coming from him, which is why you’re not worried about the possibility of an intruder for now.

With a groan that resembles the sound of someone emerging from a coffin, you slowly turn over and glance at your phone, only to realize that you’ve overslept.

Not that you had any plans for your day off, but it’s surprising nonetheless. You feel as if you’ve slept through an entire month. Completely disoriented, you stagger to the bathroom to take a shower and freshen up. When you come out, you finally feel like a functioning member of society again.

In the kitchen, Jimin is already making pancakes for you. Or at least that's what it looks like.

“Good morning,“ you greet him, wrapping your still-wet hair in a bun to prevent it from wetting the floor and the back of your shirt. “You’re making breakfast?“ The astonishment in your voice comes mainly from the fact that Jimin never cooks. He often orders, but cooking? Never. You always thought he was just as untalented as you in this department, or at least just as lazy.

“You don’t have shit in your kitchen,“ he murmurs with a tone that reeks of judgment. “Do you only ever eat when I take care of it?“

“Well, I had eggs,“ you try to defend yourself. “But yea, pretty much.“

Jimin's look reminds you a little too much of your mother. You try to soothe him with your best, most innocent smile, which earns you a smile back, coupled with a slight shake of his head.

“Some pancake mixture and half a liter of orange juice. How are you even able to survive?“

You grab one of the already-baked pancakes and start biting into it. Not caring about it still being a little hot.

“I just haven't managed to go grocery shopping yet. I’ll do it later, don’t worry.“

“I sure hope so.“

You grin, happily nibbling on your pancake and taking another one in your hand as you sit down at the kitchen table. “How did you sleep?“

“Like a baby. But I suppose not as good as you. I put a mirror under your nose half an hour ago to see if you're still alive.“

You laugh at that. That really must have been one long, deep sleep you had.

“Thank you again for last night. I wouldn’t have known where to go without you.” He looks over at you a little bashfully for a moment.

You dismiss it with a wave, as it's really no big deal to you. He hasn't been a stranger for a long time and you don’t feel uncomfortable with him around. “It goes without saying.“

He gives you a warm smile as he sits across from you, enjoying his own pancake. “When I finally gather the courage to go home and get my money, I’ll return the favor with a meal that’s a bit more... nutritious.”

You watch him closely. Even though it was meant as a joke, the situation with his family clearly weighs heavily on his mind.

“Don't worry too much about it. Your sister will get over it soon,“ you try and reassure him. “And your parents too. I may have exaggerated a bit last night. The guy is too cowardly to do anything about it, I'm sure.“

Jimin smiles at that and nods, appreciating you trying to make him feel better.

"That doesn't mean I approve of what you did. In my eyes, you're still foolish for it," you say, wiping the smile off his lips and replacing it with a slight pout that makes you smirk. "How is your hand?"

He lifts it up and wiggles his fingers a few times, which seems to work without much pain. It's still a bit swollen and red at the knuckles but looks much better than it did last night.

“It’s better. However, I didn't expect anything less given the kind care and attention I received from you.” Jimin grins, looking just as happy with it as you are.

You snort, accepting the compliment with a sense of pride, even though you know you didn't do much to deserve it.

You both finish your makeshift breakfast and clean up what needs to be done. Afterward, Jimin tells you that he is slowly getting ready to go home and collect his belongings. He hopes that no one will be there at this time and that they might have gone on their vacation without him, but he knows that’s just wishful thinking. His parents might be upset, but they are the type of parents who prefer to talk about their problems and work through them instead of avoiding topics and staying angry forever.

In your eyes, that sounds like a healthy relationship, and you wish it had always been like that in your own home. Although he complains a lot, you know he genuinely appreciates his parents and their approach. It's the confrontation he dreads. You can't blame him for that.

Jimin has just stepped into the bathroom when another knock sounds at your door. This time, it isn't a surprise to see your neighbor standing there with a carton of what you assume are freshly bought eggs.

With a radiant, handsome smile that looks straight out of a magazine, he stands before you. “Good morning! I went for a run and picked up some groceries on the way.”

“Oh, come on, you didn’t have to do that. Let’s just say the eggs were a welcome gift,” you grin, taking the carton from his hands and thanking him.

Before he can respond, Jimin suddenly appears behind you, catching him off guard. “You’re a little late. Would have been nice for breakfast,” he mocks, eyeing the small carton in your hands.

Luca halts, his blue eyes wandering confusedly between you and Jimin. It's almost funny how you can literally see little gears turning in his head as he makes the connection. “Uh, sorry.“

“No, don’t worry about it. And don’t mind him, please.“ you apologize, sending Jimin a warning look that goes unnoticed by him. “He’s not a morning person.“

Ignoring your comment, Jimin steps closer to you at the door. “Okay, I'm off now. Wish me luck.” Before you have a chance to respond, he turns your head toward him and kisses you. It's intentionally provocative, especially with your neighbor watching.

The whole situation naturally creates an awkward atmosphere between the two of you after Jimin has left, so you smile at him, silently hoping he will leave as well.

Fortunately, he excuses himself almost immediately, saying that he has more errands to run, which you find very relieving.

You reflect once again on what Jimin told you last night—he thinks your neighbor has a crush on you. While you can't say you share his opinion and you definitely don't have the same interest in him, the thought still makes you feel a bit giddy.

A/N: Penny for your thoughts pretty please?

#jimin au #jimin angst #jimin fluff #jimin imagine #park jimin #jimin fake dating au #jimin enemies to lovers #jimin e2l #jimin x reader #jimin slow burn #jimin #jimin smut #bts au fic #bts au

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h-sleepingirl · 5 months ago

Text

Dolly in the Art Gallery: A Charmed 2025 Scene Log/Recap

“Art is how we decorate space, and music is how we decorate time.”

I first heard this Jean-Michel Basquiat quote in a rope class from Barkas, in the context of how we play within both space and time in a kink scene. I think about it frequently, especially as I feel more and more passionately about the brutally human impulse to create art.

I have been coming to hypnosis events since 2013, before Charmed existed -- my first event was packed with my own manic energy, held in a dungeon where people could hypnotize me basically at will. No hotel staff, no sneaking back to a private room. I developed a reputation as an aesthetically pleasing subject, often put on display in subtle and overt ways.

I have grown up in this community. Essentially my entire adult life has been spent involved in going to events and cons. I'm 33 now, and as Charmed celebrates its 10th year I've perhaps been unconsciously influenced to reflect on myself aging.

I feel so much older than that 21 year old exhibitionist. I'm more reserved, quieter, more selective, and certainly smarter. I like who I'm becoming, but I do miss parts of who I used to be -- that confidence, that energy.

On Friday evening I looked at the schedule and saw there was going to be a Gallery of Living Art -- it's been a staple at Charmed for a number of years, but I'd never done more than peek inside.

I thought to myself: “Why not try to get in touch with that playful younger self? Why not show everyone who I am nowadays? Why not live out a fantasy?”

Surely I’m not too old. Surely I haven’t grown out of this.

The time comes and I connect with my partner about it. He knows that one of my absolute favorite things is being totally frozen. We decide against anything complicated. No one will touch me or trigger me or anything like that. It’s the most “negotiating” we've maybe ever done, but I still leave all details to him. I tell him: “I was really just thinking this is an opportunity for me to sit blank and still for a long time.”

We walk into the room, and it’s overwhelming. People are setting up intricate exhibits with lots of creative interactions. There is a sheet we need to fill out to describe what our “art” is, which my partner writes on cryptically.

“Dolly can't talk. Duh…”

“Dolly is precious -- don't touch!”

Under “Artist”, where he is meant to put his name, he writes a question mark.

I am so in love with him, watching his mind work on the spot.

We find a place in the loud room and look at each other. We are a fluid force of nature in a bed together, spontaneous and wild. This planning doesn't feel like us. This hypnosis isn't a formality, per se, but it just feels sort of like “We both know how this is going to end on some level -- so how do we spend this time?”

He gingerly removes my name tag and starts murmuring to me.

Being a dolly is such a luxurious treat that the moment he suggests it, I crumble, gripping his shirt with my weak little fingers, moaning too softly to be heard by anyone but him.

He poses me. He fixes my gaze blank and forward. He lets me practice standing and sitting. This kind of rehearsal is unfamiliar for us, and I almost relish doing something that feels a little awkward.

I am a dolly when he leaves me, frozen and posed, but I know it is going to take a couple minutes to settle in. I am a dolly getting comfortable, a dolly with twinges of self-consciousness. After a couple minutes he walks me over to a different chair, one that is highlighted by empty space around it, and I sit, and I know this is truly where I am supposed to be on display.

Finally, total stillness rushes over me like pure relief.

I sit, and I stare, and I don’t do anything else. My mind is blank, and sometimes all there is inside my head is “I’m a dolly, I’m a dolly,” in my little dolly voice. It is pure, simple bliss.

People begin to come up to me to look at me. I am a good dolly and I am silent and I do not move even my eyes. They patiently read my sign and then observe me. I cannot change my body position to be any more or less appealing to them, I cannot hide nor flaunt myself.

Some people say things to me, little compliments and appreciations, and I can’t really process their words. The little dolly voice in my head screams in pleasure when I’m spoken to and given attention.

I have ADHD, I’m addicted to my phone, I’m a fidgeter. But there is nothing that carries the unique pleasure of being frozen and still. It reminds me of Quaker meetings, of spiritual silence and meditation that makes one feel time itself as though it has a sensory texture.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel talks about the Jewish sabbath as proof that it is not intuitive for us to sanctify time. But nevertheless as Jews we must learn to do it to make shabbat holy every week. Shabbat is “a cathedral in time,” he says, and I’ve been thinking about how much that applies to my experience of hypnosis. Hypnosis is not a physical object. We may sometimes have props but we cannot touch trance and it leaves no marks. It is time that is the sacred dimension in hypnosis, the time that we set aside (“kadosh” in Hebrew) with another human being.

Heschel says we are slaves to space and material things. And in this moment I feel like I have gotten as close as I can to releasing that. I am not even moving my physical body within the physical world. I am just relishing each passing second of stillness, building my cathedral in time.

Of course, sometimes I think sacred space and objects are very important. After all, I am in a space that is incredibly rare, that only exists very briefly, that I had to travel at length to get to.

And I am an object -- art -- inside of it. I am literally decorating the space, as Basquiat would say.

Am I thinking all of this as I sit there motionless? No, not with any sophistication. I truly feel blank. But I am feeling flashes of this as abstract mental sensations that I will untangle later.

Something else strikes me very quickly that I observe within. When people walk up to look at me, something inside me tenses up. I realize that I am unconsciously preparing myself to talk to them. I have been coming to cons for so long, and especially since beginning to write books I always meet a ton of new people every year who come up to me to talk, which I adore. But right now I am in a space where I literally cannot have a conversation with anyone. I don’t even have my nametag on anymore -- my partner was so clever to remove it.

It is the opposite of vending books, where I sit in a chair and am helpless in the sense that I must engage in conversation with the people who come up to meet me. Now, I literally cannot talk to anyone, and they cannot talk to me, and most people may not even know who I am.

It is a hit of extreme objectification, more real than it has ever felt. I am not sleepingirl -- I am a dolly. “Who” I am doesn’t matter. I am art.

My partner also is not sitting there receiving compliments for me. He is nearby, in eyesight, just watching. But he’s anonymous too. And there is something about this mutual anonymity that makes me feel even prouder about us as a couple. There is no performance of who we are. I don’t know how to describe it, but obviously it feels more authentic than public play usually ever does. Like a little secret we are sharing a corner of.

And he looks ever the artist, sitting back and watching me. I feel very strongly that this little scene isn’t the art -- it’s me. Our relationship is what’s really on display. All the work he’s done over 7 years of brainwashing me, real work on my personality and identity, my wardrobe, every single way I express myself and who I am. The people coming by are seeing his bimbo, his dolly, his [x] -- without necessarily knowing who either of us are.

The rhythm is addicting. My mind babbles my self-given dolly mantra over and over, I luxuriate in the stillness, and I stare. I only can sort of half-see with darkened vision, though my eyes are wide. I love when people notice me sitting there -- their expressions change as they observe me. They step into my metaphorical space, which is eerily silent compared to the revelry of the creative demonstrations that fill the room. They are no longer “being entertained,” and no one can communicate to them what I am doing -- they must engage with me out of their own curiosity.

Sometimes they decide to talk to me. I can’t process most of it, but I remember a few interactions.

Someone says, “What an excellent dolly.”

Someone else notices that I’m wearing a bracelet that says “bimbo,” and says, “Even the details on this one are exquisite.”

Someone else says, “Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen sleepingirl play before.”

That last one hits me in the gut with memories of a time now long past: Play in public spaces was universal at cons; I couldn’t move from one place to another without someone dropping me into trance; absolutely everyone knew what I looked like when hypnotized.

Even now as I am on display, I have a mask on, and the people can’t see my gently parted lips.

It is a rush of emotion that is very complex for my simple little dolly head, but it goes away.

For a long while, I just exist as a thing in bliss while the room -- the whole world -- bubbles with activity around me.

Eventually even as I sit frozen and blank, a little timer starts ticking in my head -- I could sit here for much longer, but I don’t want to make him wait for me, and I have other things I want to do tonight.

Reading Heschel has been helping me release some of that odd panic that bubbles up when I awaken from trance -- the feeling that magic is slipping through my fingers, memories are slipping out of my mind, and I can take no memento from it. I sometimes write, draw, or make music to try to capture the things I feel in hypnosis with my partner. I think it is from that impulse to be able to touch and hold hypnosis, to make it a “thing” in space as opposed to something of time.

But I do think there is something else, just a human drive to create art about this transcendent experience that we engage in together. I need to create art to try to communicate the perfect way I don’t move and my eyes go glassy. I need to express my emotions, my desires, my dreams, my love. I am only human, a human blown away by this very human thing we do that we call hypnosis.

Only my partner sees it, and he does see so much into the soul of it for me. But this is exactly what I have wanted -- a chance to publicly communicate the beauty of what he and I do. To make this art by performing it, living it. To engage in a human act of creativity by having my humanity stripped away from me.

I am a bimbo, a dolly, I am art -- and that doesn’t go away when I get up to tell him I am done sitting here. I am his art. I am a manifestation of his creativity in this world, and he has a beautifully creative mind which I love so dearly.

This is serious for me, this is real for me, this is so highly personal and jealously guarded as my own precious identity.

Ten years ago I laid my head on his lap and he transformed my eyes into dolly eyes and told me that someday he would turn my whole body into a dolly body. And as we laid together in a bed after the Gallery on Friday he talked about how I had those dolly eyes again in that room. But to me, it’s not about being a dolly, or even being a bimbo. It’s about creating art together, art with a power imbalance. And fucking respecting that as sacred and exciting.

I don’t have much else to say except extreme heartfelt gratitude to Mazirian for running the Gallery, and everyone who came by to look at me and said nice things to me and joined me in my world for just a little while.

(If you’re curious, I was sitting there for about 30 minutes.)

#hypnosis #hypnok1nk #dollification #bimbo doll #Brainwashing #my writing #my art #charmed #charmed 2025 #I haven't written a scene log in a very long time #And this one obviously reflects how I've been thinking about kink and intimacy different lately #I know it's not traditionally sexy #But it's very sexy to me

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jazeswhbhaven · 4 months ago

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The Nation Where Chocolate Melts the Fastest | React | Days 6-11

Wow so this month went by so damn fast??? But I mean...I guess February usually does anyway right?

So as I said in my audio react here for the first half, I was gonna write about the second part! I'm going to try my best to keep it just limited to this post only as for whatever reason, my posts keep getting yeeted off the main whb tag? Maybe it's because I haven't been posting lately so maybe that's why but at the same time it could just be tumblr being tumblr.

ANYWAYS quick recap ->

🖤Amon, MC, and Naberius are in Abaddon right now on a mission to meet the Abaddon nobles during their travels Nabe is going over every single rule and incident that has been caused by these powerful two in the first place. 🖤We find out that MC accepting chocolates in Hell during valentines day means they are pretty much down for whatever, sex mostly 🖤We go over the 3 'Hole' incidents, the first one which wasn't properly recorded, the second one caused by Dantalian causing trouble in Heaven, and then the third from Belphie ripping off Ronove's eye mask causing him to multiply

Now here we are to the second half of the event

SUMMARY TIME

🖤So as we learned in the past 5 days, Dantalian has a kink where loves to be injured, damaged, possibly killed, you name it while Ronove brings that desire forth by influencing others to cause harm. So when Ronove multiples, this means...that everyone is affected at the same time. Including angels. This is why him multiplying into 100s and 1000s of himself is problematic. Everyone would basically die.

🖤Once Ronove's desires are satisfied, his clones will start to disappear but he multiples so fast it's pretty much impossible to keep up with said clones. This isn't like Beel's clones at all or his flies. This is pure chaos.

🖤The only reason that everything is chill, is because of Dantalian believe it or not! He prevented the 3rd Hole incident from annihilating both Heaven and Hell in the first place.

🖤A cute thing to mention btw is that MC had Amon eat some of his own chocolate which he decided "oh it's the chocolate you're giving me right? to basically say they're giving him chocolates back. Nabe gets jealous but doesn't show it, and MC ends up giving him some chocolate too. Cuties.

🖤So back to the reason that Dantalian stopped Ronove is because his desire cancels out Ronove's. Because of the desire to torture Dan, all of his clones came back and everyone was able to put Ro's eyemask back on. The law now is that Dantalian must always accompany Ronove in battles and vise versa. To prevent such things from happening.

🖤So we get to see the front of Asmo's castle and it's pretty fucking big. Also, Ronove is there to greet them as their own personal escort! He mentions..."it's been a while" further confirming that the card stories are canon because the first time we saw Ro was in Satan's Torture card.

🖤I love btw how Nabe is on guard dog mode this entire time

🖤So to get through the gates, it takes a fucking hour to do so. Ronove knows the way and is attacked by wet papers that will suffocate him if he doesn't recite all the names to prove he has access inside the castle. So yeah, my ass would definitely be taking that nap with Amon lmao

🖤Also what I don't like about even though the card stories seem to be canon within one another, MC apparently forgets certain details. Such as being worried that Ronove not being able to breathe for an hour when he can go days and weeks when his power of speech is used for spells.

🖤So now we're inside the "red cage!" it's empty too as all of the devils inside are off either making something or doing small activities and missions assigned by Asmo.

🖤There's four floors in total, the more important the devil the higher up. Meaning Asmo's room is at the very top if we had to guess and devils like Ronove and Dantalian are on the third floor. We also meet some guards along the way, and it appears that each interact with Ronove differently. One was slightly intimidated and the Second floor guard was annoyed, and he looks familiar btw...the same guard that was watching over Zepar when he came to help MC be disguised as a lower rank angel in Levi's Torture card (the silhouette is the same)

🖤So because MC is the descendant of Solomon...they are being escorted through the shortcut the same as the kings would use. Now I imagine regular degular folks like ourselves would probably take years to get through just one floor.

🖤So on the second floor we run into Seere, and if anyone remembers I believe that is the exact same devil Levi asked for a spell/talisman something like that to help him infiltrate MC's dream for his School Uniform card. But basically Seere just tried to jigglypuff his way to MC's dreams with a song lmao

🖤That's over and done with though, Ronove pretty much just kicking "red flesh???" (what was he just crumpled into a ball on the floor?) and stopping Seere from singing anyways

🖤So we're now on the third floor. There's no guard and we meet Dantalian, who gets slapped by MC immediately (i'm pretty sure he influenced that lmao)

🖤So as MC witnesses Dan's influence is strong...and he's very pissed off that Ronove interferes with that such as stopping him from self-harming but also I'm sure he keeps Ronove in check too

🖤We also see that Ronove and Dantalian go hand in hand. and now they seem to be targetting MC since they are the guest of the hour. And Nabe thinks they're up to something so he starts quoting the big ass rule book at them (he's such a class president lmao)

🖤It turns out though that MC was never in any danger, Ronove and Dan were just gonna give them chocolates 💀 so there he is jumping the gun again (but I mean from what he said could happen I do get it but yeah he gotta chill)

🖤And the chocolate gesture is the same! Back when Solomon was alive, it also appeared to be the same traditions but also it seems that giving chocolates to Solomon was never that important to begin with, just something to do if a devil felt like it. For Ro and Dan they did it because they got something out of it. IN this case the desire. Dan got choked out while the chocolate melted on his tongue and Ro was being bitten while Solomon ate said chocolate at the same time so yah grandaddy a freak.

🖤MC didn't really have anything to give them, but that's interrupted anyways by Asmo showin' up out of the blue and he's sending Ro and Dan on a mission but wants to know if MC is down for V-day activities before or after they get back. Nabe says after but I think he's tryna buy some time lol

🖤Asmo is being his flirty self btw with MC, feeding them the chocolates Ro and Dan presented and being like "let's wait for them to get back *wink wink* and I'm like yeah there ain't gonna be no type of waitin' with him around 💀

🖤Also I like how we get to see how he handles his nobles. He handles them affectionately but while being firm and they just melt against him, naturally like I would expect that.

🖤And that's how everything ends! That's it.

Screenshot Faves

I just wanna mention Amon has been so clingy and snuggly the entire time and I'm loving this. I'm also glad we get to see more of of the Abyssos boys <3

Yes bby, please eat 😩

See I ain't the only one who was like okay are those pants or leggings? they look so tight lmaooo but they have pockets (so do leggings sometimes)

I feel this whole thing has been me showin' ya'll Amon 💀 but a nap date? Yes

This was wild lmao he had to sit up there for an hour dealing with this shit I would have just let the papers take me I can't

Oh MC...boy fucking howdy do I know that feeling...in fact I'm hoping they just keep fucking moving and leave me the hell alone 💀

Amon being cute again for the 1000th time

MC slapped the fuck outta him and he's just there wanting more.

Ronove says "here lemme help" 😭

Nabe and Amon fightin' for their life because they simply just do not wanna fuck around and find out lmao

oh so we're just out here poppin' people's bones back in place like it's nothing alrighty

Dan: Omfg let me be toxic to myself wow Ro: Just doin' my job, sweetie

Omfg we in Asmo's castle, tryna focus and shit and Nabe and Amon already tried clappin' cheeks and now we have two other devils glancing this way like they need to stop teasing the threesome shit and just do ittttttt /hj

LMAO this had me want to bully him a bit and be like "ha okay nerd, teacher's pet" which that other phrase he might actually be like "uh???"

This is so pretty, I don't think I'd want to eat it 😭😭

He'd escape prison just to see you. Remember that when lookin' for a ride or die devil to have by your side 😌🙌

I can hear him rn...lmao he's so angry he doesn't even like to be called cute lmaoooo

Me when his ass showed up outta nowhere lmao

Ooo what we doin' bae? All of the above? Great let me take my nap now since this is gonna be a marathon

He's so affectionate. This is a much softer side of him for once since he's debuted in WHB. Still very horny but at least we're like awh he's so gentle

Lmaoooooooo idk why this had me rollin' maybe it's because I'm like "wait did you not pick up on the obvious queues and piece it together after learning from Amon and Nabe what accepting chocolate means?" 💀lawd somebody help MC.

❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤

And here we are at the end of the react! So this event...I personally liked it more toward the end. Sure we learned about Ronove and Dantalian here but it was mostly just Nabe telling the stories and us getting a short time to observe their behaviors in person. I guess I'm saying this event aside from the lore is pretty unremarkable.

But it also seems like it ties in with the upcoming card of Ro and Dan together! Maybe. But last time I checked S+ cards didn't have stories (other than Raphael's card...but we'll see)

I just know a group orgy happened when they returned /j

So yes, thank ya'll so much for sticking through this and enjoy my stufff. Again I know the first react that was audio was a bit b l a h but that's how I felt about that first part anyway. Not really worth spending my time writing about and adding like reaction gifs other what I showed in the video

I still have more things to catch up on! So I'm hoping to be done with all of it before the new card comes out. Until y'all, much love for the lovelies, your admin Jaze (✿◡‿◡)

#jazewhbreacts🖤#whb #what in hell is bad #whb avisos bois #whb abaddon #whb abaddon bois #react time #hopefully this shows up in the tags this time

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victorgrwrites · 2 years ago

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Gortash Age/Timeline

For my prelude, see live footage of me at work below. (PS: Mac on the right there is basically my wife, she was very kind to let me ramble about this.)

Here we go. And I think it goes without saying, but spoilers ahead.

So, we have a better idea of Durge's timeline than Gortash, which is helpful since we know that they knew one another before the events of the game. On top of that, we know what each was doing when the other was doing something else. At least, to a point.

We'll start with Durge.

Exhibit A: We know that Sceleritas Fel appeared to Durge on their "age of majority", which is generally accepted to be 18. Could be 16, but we're going with 18 for the timeline.

---

Exhibit B: We know that in the prequel Blood in Baldur's Gate, the main antagonist is Dark Urge, and Sceleritas himself appears multiple times in the story. We also know for a fact that this happens in 1477, 15 years before BG3.

Therefor, we know that Durge CANNOT BE YOUNGER than 18 in the year 1477, and therefor cannot be younger than 33 in BG3.

It's important to note for later on that at this point in Baldur's Gate in 1477, it is very likely Durge has already started the cult of Bhaal or is on the verge of starting it. --- Like I said, easy as Hell, now on to Gortash. Cause he is definitely trickier; we'll be needing to work backwards for this guy. Exhibit A:

Gortash is intent on making a memoir of his life, and has given us a helpful order of events, if without dates and such.

Exhibit B:

We'll start with the heist at the House of Wonders. If you don't know what the House of Wonders is, imagine a giant museum/research university run by NASA. It's a big fuckin' deal, and holds some insane things.

We don't know everything they stole, but we do know some. 1. A Bhaal torture device and some preserved Bhaalist bodies (unimportant for our conversation), and 2. Schematics which served as the basis for the Steel Watch, as well as the submersible.

((I can't find the specific screenshot for the Steel Watch schematics, but just trust me, it exists.)) We can assume that Karlach was sold right around this time, maybe before, most likely right after. The reason why she was sold around this time is because... ---

Exhibit C:

Karlach is a proto-prototype Steel Watcher, or at least of the infernal engines the Steel Watch use. What Gortash most likely got for Karlach were plans/materials/development for the infernal engines.

youtube

So let's recap. We now know that ten years ago Durge and Gortash pulled their heist, traded Karlach, figured out infernal engines, and started production or development on the Steel Watchers. Neither were the chosen of their gods yet, and the Crown of Karsus wasn't even on their radar.

Let's keep going. --- Exhibit D:

The first and second listings in Gortash's memoirs are him founding the Bane cult, and then discovering that there was a Bhaal cult already started. I would posit that Gortash established the Bane cult right around the time of the previously mentioned Blood in Baldur's Gate. At the bare minimum we know that Durge had to have been already active and Sceleritas already trying to guide him. So we can likely say that Gortash established the cult of Bane in 1477. Which means he was not in the House of Hope any longer in 1477.

The Crux of the Issue:

Here is where we get into speculation, and there's several questions we have to answer that don't have a clear answer. 1. How old was Gortash when he was sold off?

2. How old was he when he escaped the House of Hope?

3. How long after that did he establish the Cult of Bane?

I'll give you my answer for these questions, and my reason why.

Given my previous post, you might know that I subscribe to the idea that Gortash had a knack for artifice when he was young. There's no way a devil/warlock would pay even a small amount for a useless kid. So, at what age is a kid "useful" while still being a kid? My guess would be as old as ten, as young as eight.

Based on the conversation with Nubaldin, I would say he was still fairly young when he escaped. The way he talks about Gortash establishes that the jailor remembers Gortash as a 'sniveling little shit' and 'mischievous little blot of a boy'.

I would put him at about sixteen, absolute tops.

3. I believe he would have started the Bane cult very, very soon after leaving the House of Hope because I have a sneaking suspicion that Bane's influence started at the House of Hope. Might be how he escaped in the first place, or maybe he heard about Bane while there. Either way, I don't think he took very long.

In my head, he's probably around 17-19 when he starts the Bane cult. But also, if there's age discrepancies, this is probably where they come in.

---

And there you have it. I don't focus on his in-game model much, because looks can vary so wildly. Especially when there's years of demonic torture, obsessive artifice study, and dead god cults. The game narratively describes him as a young man, so I generally erred on the side of "young" when figuring out this timeline.

If you've got questions, comments, additions, go on and lay them on me.

#bg3 #bg3 gortash #enver gortash #lord gortash #durge #I'm tired #This took me longer than I thought it would #Youtube

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goldenwitherphoenix13 · 7 months ago

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(Sighs) no one asked for it, but Im gonna share it anyways because no ones asked for it and i want to put an end to this Canary curse debockal.

Here is my interpretation of Canary Jimmy in the life series, the canary curse and why i think the fandom has flanderised it. Its extensive, its repetitive, its probably inaccurate, but I want to both clear up confusion on what the curse is and then share my own interpretation. Spoilers below for today's session of Wild Life, if only brief.

The Canary in the coalmine is all about how when the Canary starts to go quiet or die, that there is danger about. There is poison in the air. That if the coal miners do not evacuate, then they will die.

And when Jimmy was seen bringing death wherever he went, or being out first in the first 4 seasons of the life series, people started to dub him as "the canary" and say he was cursed with "the canary curse". But I think the Canary curse has lost its meaning by now. Its been so consumed by the idea of it just being about Jimmy dying first that I think that we all forgot that it's first ever mention was during Scar, Grian and Joel's series, 100 hours in hardcore minecraft, was not solely about him dying first.

Let's recap.

Part way through the 100 hours series, Scar had to go and get some major surgery done, so he couldn't play on the server for a while. So, while Scar was away, Grian and Joel invited some other friends on to fill the void as they waited for their friend to return. The first friend they invited of was Jimmy and they decided to go to a woodland mansion where this resulted in Grian dying.

This event had happened not too long after the finale of Empires season 1, Where Jimmy (and Fwhip) had just accidentally destroyed the entire server, plunging all the kingdoms into a multitude of disasters and starting the event known as the rapture.

And, remember, this series occurred just after Last life, the second season of the life's series, had ended, where Jimmy had been out the series first twice.

It was ALL of these events that lead to the creation of the fandom dubbing Jimmy as a canary. And the Canary curse was born.

Jimmy then proceeded to die first for 2 more seasons of the life series. And that is when the canary became canon as multiple people started referring to Jimmy being cursed, including Jimmy himself, and Martyn wrote it into his lore. It's also where alot of the fans started to associate the curse with just the life series, not really remembering its connections other series.

Back to present day. Jimmy has now gone 2 seasons of the life series and an April fools special without dying first, which is amazing! I'm very proud of him for that! But the fandom feels divided on this, half of them saying him not dying first has broken the curse and now it can't be used as a headcanon anymore, and the other half saying how him breaking it is temporary or that it's only out the first stage and now he's doomed to die second. And to all of you I say... no. No it hasn't ruined the canary hybrid headcanons, no it hadn't been taken to stage 2, the canary curse was NEVER JUST about Jimmy dying first, because it was never just about the life series. The original canary comparisons mentioned Empires and 100 hours, and he never permadied first in either of those series.

Let's go back to the idiom. Canary in a coal mine.

This idiom is based of of a real life practice of taking living, breathing canaries into the coal mines. Coal miners wanted to keep down the costs of having to breed and buy new canaries every time one died, and didnt want to always leave the cute birds that kept them company to die. Its like just using a pet as death foder. They wanted to keep these birds alive for the sake of keeping costs lower and for not killing of the adorable birds. So what would they do? They made chambers to keep the birds alive after they passed out. Oxygen tanks or medicine chambers basically. The canaries didn't always die in the coal mines. They sometimes just got very sick to the point of fainting and passing out, but they could be saved. The canaries don't always need to die to be a warning. They just needed to go quiet. Coming close to death and being kept alive is still a functionable canary system.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Jimmy isn't cursed as a canary to die first out of everyone. That was never the case. To me, the canary curse has always been about one thing.

The chaos after the canary falls silent. Not after it dies. After it falls silent, after it comes close to death. The curse was never for him. It was a curse on EVERYONE. And Jimmy turning red is enough to trigger it. Jimmy being close to death but not dead yet is enough to trigger the chaos. Jimmy is a canary. His curse was never to die, his curse was never even truly a curse. It was a warning that the games were in danger of ending. That the chaos had only just begun.

And do you know what the cherry on top of all of this is?

The Canary doesn't need to die at all for the coal miners to die.

There are many, many, many ways for coal miners to die in the coal mines. A cave in could crush them, they could find a massive cave that they could fall into, they could turn on and attack eachother. But the Canary can be spared. The Canary may die eventually. Gases or hunger or predators may find it. But it could be the last one to go when the circumstances line up.

It's why I still believe in Canary Jimmy, and why I think he can still win a life series simultaneously. Because it doesn't matter what place he comes at, the canary curse will always trigger. It was never about how Jimmy was "so bad at the game" that he died first. It was never about how the watchers kill him every season because its funny. It was about the death and destruction that hovered around him. The doomsday that chaos brings.

And do you know what's even better? Jimmy is completely unaware of this purpose. He thinks the curse was him dying first because that's what the fans made it out to be.

Jimmy broke this unlucky death streak, but he did not break the canary curse.

Because the canary curse was never JUST for him. It is EVERYONES problem.

Tldr; the canary curse has lost its original meaning and been flanderised to the point of people forgetting that its origins don't require Jimmy to die first and it doesnt need to end in tragedy. The Canary curse is just everyone's problem, including Jimmy, but also including everyone else, and no one has realised this yet. Not even Jimmy. They just think his curse is him dying. But he doesn't even need to die to let the "curse" activate. His presence is more than enough, and even with it he can still win. He's just gotta find the right time.

Anyway I'm done rambling, I hope you guys enjoy my thoughts, I'm going to go finish my Uni Presentation and Evaluations of my project!

#jimmy solidarity #solidaritygaming #life series #wild life smp #wild life spoilers #but only briefly #the canary curse #midnight moments with phoenix #other series i mention #100 hours hardcore #3rd life smp #last life smp #double life smp #limited life smp #secret life smp #real life smp #empires season 1

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ouroborosorder · 2 years ago

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Guide Ahead Means Something To Me

Writing about Guide Ahead is…. extremely difficult, for a few reasons. One is that it is a very dense story, and to fully unpack it would require an essay so unfocused that it would be functionally unreadable. But the biggest one is that Guide Ahead is a story that focuses really heavily on the subjective nature of interpretation. How can I speak authoritatively on the thematic meaning of the plot when even a basic description of its events demands a deeper poetic interpretation?

The answer is “I can’t.” So, let’s piss off my English teacher, and coat an entire essay in the phrase “in my opinion.” Because I have to get personal if I’m going to tell you why Guide Ahead is my favorite video game story ever told.

I was raised Mormon. My mother was religious, but my father was absolutely not. You can understand why I related to Cecilia basically immediately.

Ultimately, the thing that draws me to Guide Ahead is the very thing that makes it hard to write about. Guide Ahead is, in my reading, a story about the subjectivity of divine meaning.

The most obvious manifestation, and the most important, is Law. But, Law’s execution, in traditional Arknights fashion, is kinda unclear, so I’ll recap for those who have hobbies outside of this, unlike me.

Law is the supercomputer buried underneath Laterano, and is the sentient religion that binds all the Sankta together into a hivemind of sorts. The Sankta are actually just Sarkaz connected to Law, given halos, wings, and empathic communication between each other. But, the main thing they gain, is a biological impulse to obey the Lateran religion’s thirteen doctrines. Anyone who breaks these doctrines are marked as Fallen, are cut off from the empathic connection, and slowly revert back to Sarkaz. Law represents religion as a concept and a community. Saints and sinners are just one and the same. But despite that, the laws of religion are created just to perpetuate the existence of a special in-group. One enforced by empathic connection they cannot share with anyone outside of them. That is Patia’s point - the Sankta have created an “us” and a “them,” and even the devout Liberi are not seen as “us.” They’re just converts, not real Sankta.

But, Falling has… weird grey areas. Like how Andoain was able to shoot Lemuen, or draw his gun on the fucking Pope, and not Fall in the process. This is because the doctrines are not actually the guidelines they’re held to. The Doctrines are subjective interpretations of the objective Law that they are all beholden to. That Law being “It must survive.” Law only is interested in the perpetuation of Itself, and, as a result, the continued existence of the Sankta as a societal structure.

This is the first and strongest example of what I mean when I say Guide Ahead is about meaning. Law says that the failure of religion is ultimately that religions supplant any subjective meanings with an “objective” meaning. But this “objective” meaning is just another person’s interpretation of the in-group’s best interest. Laws biologically programmed into the Sankta’s souls are revealed to be nothing but interpretation of Law’s interpretation of events.

People Fall not because they have broken a concrete law, but because Law… because the in-group has decided they did. Or when they broke the rules, they did something that’s good for the church. There is no objective laws within the Lateran religion, no matter what the machine is named. The system just declares sin when it deems worthy, and absolution when sin is a benefit.

It is this very hypocrisy that drives Andoain.

——————————————————————————————————

I remember being pulled aside at church one day. Everyone above 14 was given a sermon about the recent legalization of gay marriage. He said it was wrong, the church would never accept it. I asked him if it was like the time the church refused to give black people the Priesthood. He said this was different. I asked him how. He did not answer. I left and someone followed me out. He asked if I was okay. I told him whatever he was saying in there was not the teachings of any god that I know, and wasn’t the teachings of any god that loves me. I kept going to church after that, but deep down, I think I didn’t believe in it anymore. I didn’t feel like part of the community, I lost that reciprocation with my people. I just… began to think.

Andoain, as an antagonist, is defined by a search for meaning. He was the bishop of an Iberian church, and Iberia is doing pretty bad lately. His request for aid from Laterano was denied, and the message was clear to him. “You are one of us, but they are not.” But that answer just created a new question. Why? Why would those who claim faith and utopia as their ideals reject those who are suffering?

He searched for an answer in exile, and he didn’t find one. Instead, he found another story. The Sarkaz man who died in the watchtower to warn a town who hated him of an invading force. And this story made his question develop. Why would someone who is hated by everyone give their life to protect those very people? And why would those people then cry over the grave of someone they hated?

He had seen the realities of the Sarkaz and Sankta laid bare, but he couldn’t figure out the meaning behind it. He tells Cecilia these stories, knowing full well he doesn’t know what to make of them. I think he tells them to hope he finds the point partway through.

——————————————————————————————————

As much as I hate the Mormon church for dear god everything they’ve ever done holy shit look at them? My feelings are predictably complicated. Years later, my family fell upon hard times. I don’t want to say more than that for my own sake. We were struggling to even live. But… the church helped us. None of us gone to church for years, but they offered a hand. They gave us access to the Bishop’s Storehouse, gave us food and supplies for free, because we were starving.

And yes, I know. I know they do this in an attempt at creating a false brotherhood in an effort to create a fascist sense of community. I have also read that part of Brothers Karamazov. I have also read Guide Ahead, come to think of it. But… Shit. Most of them tried to pretend we didn’t exist when we met them in the grocery store. And… they still helped us. In their eyes, I was Fallen.

But still, they saved us, and didn’t even ask for faith in return. I still can’t figure out why.

This is why I just… can’t see Andoain as a villain. I mean, yeah, he shot Lemuen, but even she doesn’t blame him for shooting his friends while holding the Stick That Makes You Shoot Your Friends. His entire goal is an attempt to sort through the cognitive dissonance between what the church tells him and what the church does. A dissonance that is, because of Law and the doctrines, innate to what the church is. An experience that should feel damn familiar to anyone who has spent time as an apostate. His plan is to simply confront the Pope about this hypocrisy, to get an answer, to find a meaning.

The answer he gets back is… It Must Survive. Law must survive. The in-group must survive. It doesn’t matter if we cry over the grave of the Sarkaz, because the Sarkaz would die for us. He searched for the answer to a question, the meaning of a statement. You are one of us. They are not. All this time, he searched for the meaning of those words, but in reality, those words were the meaning. That was all they ever had to say. He just needed to accept that.

…but if the in-group is all that mattered… why allow Mostima in Laterano? Why give her her position? She’s not needed for the survival of the in-group, the Law has deemed her an exile.

And… Why not Andoain?

Before he leaves, his gun is taken from him. A gun that, according to the church, has meaning. A meaning he takes as truth. He believes a part of him is left behind there. I don’t think he realizes it, but Mostima and Fiammetta are the question he left behind. They are Not Sankta, but yet they are accepted. And… I don’t know if there is a meaning to that. I still can’t figure out why.

——————————————————————————————————

For a long time, I missed those days spent in the community I had left. I would remember the things I left behind. The churchball basketball games we were destined to lose. The conversations held on the roof of the storage building behind the church. The scouting activities that were clearly an excuse to go bowling. The shitty halloween parties with the game where you ate donuts tied to a string hanging from a fishing pole. I missed it, for a time. I couldn’t help but look back.

Cecilia is searching for meaning to almost everything. When Andoain tells his stories to Cecilia, he tells her that he can’t find the meaning of them. That if there is meaning to be found, she’ll have to find it herself. So. She does.

Cecilia was faced with the same situation Andoain was obsessed with. But for her, it wasn’t hypothetical. She existed between Us and Them. She felt the pull between the community and the love and fun they represent, and the outsiders who were hated and rejected by the people around her. Society told her the meaning of her dual identity, the meaning behind each half, and then told her to choose. But… she’d experienced otherwise. She’d felt the kindness of the Sarkaz from the Pathfinders, and the hatred from the Church. She’d felt things that contradicted the meaning that she was told was true.

Her story isn’t just being forced to pick a side between the church or apostacy, it’s being forced to pick what meaning she ascribes to the world. Ultimately, that’s why her answer can only be her own. Your belief is… subjective.

And she answered… with a bell. A Sarkaz girl, bearing a halo, ringing a bell that has not been rung since the Sankta were still called Teekaz. A bell that once marked the beginning of the new era. A bell that carries the weight of a Sarkaz, hated by the place they called home. A bell that rings with the melody of a Sarkaz lullaby once sung by a Sankta. A bell that asserts her answer. She’s not Sarkaz, she’s not Sankta. She is Cecilia.

Everyone else finds their own subjective meaning within that action. Something as mundane as the ringing of the bell suddenly has more meaning than divine scripture.

No one else understood the nuance of what she said, but they understood parts of it. They understood what they wanted to. Those who know nothing of Lateran culture understand it as just… a beautiful welcome, celebrating the arrival of talks of peace. Most have their meaning determined by the church’s traditions. The pious see it as the beginning of a new era, whatever that signals to them. To the Church, it is that their talks will bring about a new era of peace. To the Pathfinders, it is a signal to begin their attack on Laterano to begin their new era.

There is so much meaning in that action, but in the end, it’s still just a fucking bell. There’s got to be hundreds, maybe thousands of them in Laterano. But this bell meant something more than the other bells. This bell had meaning, and that meaning made it divine.

This, to me, is what Guide Ahead has to say. That there is so much meaning to be found in something as mundane as a ringing bell. Within such a simple action, there is personal expression, liberation, the sound of change. And in all of this, there is the echoes of divinity, the echoes of faith, as if all of these things are, in themselves, divine.

——————————————————————————————————

When I left the church, I couldn’t help but look back, still tethered to a community who hated me. I think I wished I could stop looking back. I don't know if I realized I was.

In the end, everyone else looks back. They still have meaning to be found in Laterano. Andoain looks back, a part of his soul anchored there by the symbol he was told to believe in. Mostima looks back, knowing she’ll return just as she always does. Fiammetta looks back, because she refuses to let herself leave. Ezell looks back, unsure if he will be able to return home after what he has found.

But… Cecilia doesn’t. She has decided that she is not defined by the church, or the meaning they try to give her. She has decided to leave Laterano and see the world outside of it, to explore the world around her and find the meaning for herself.

And the last thing Cecilia does is... defined by ambiguous meaning. She sees Andoain walking in the sunset - and a word appears to her. The title of Martyr. A title she doesn’t understand the meaning or weight of, but that she feels is appropriate regardless. A title that, to other people, would mean something more. But to her, brings to mind the saints she heard of as a youth, a word her mother told her was important.

The story is ending, and they end it with an assertion. Cecilia is finding meaning, and others will find what they will within. Perhaps even she doesn't know all of it.

A while back, during a theater rehearsal, I suddenly remembered a conversation I had years before I left the church. I remembered speaking with my friends outside of the chapel after a sunday service. My friend said a sentence that has stuck with me ever since. “I don’t think science goes against God. I think God uses science and math. I think those things are holy, because they’re… what everything is made of.”

I remember looking around the rehearsal space and thinking that if science could be sacred, then… so is this moment, now. So is my time spent with the people I love. This is sacred. What I missed, what kept me looking back. It wasn’t the actual religion, but instead… just belonging to something. So… I stopped looking back. In that moment, however fleeting it was, I had found whatever it was I needed.

—————————————————————————————————

Look. You probably had a different interpretation of Guide Ahead. This story is just… So goddamn dense. There is so much there that I didn’t even touch on. For the love of god, I just did an analysis of Guide Ahead and didn’t even really discuss Fiammetta?? What kind of hack writer am I? (I just… couldn’t talk about her without being more personal than I am willing to be in public.)

If you have an interpretation that is different than mine, that’s great. I encourage you to hold on to it, and hold it close. That meaning is yours, and yours alone, and that’s a precious thing.

Because to me, what I found… is that very idea.

There is meaning to be found in anything - and a meaning that is yours, and yours alone. All you have to do is find meaning. and the idea that there is meaning to the world, that everything has meaning not because there is a “true” meaning to it, but because we find one there, because we put one there… that makes everything feel… divine, to me.

So… wherever you find meaning, you can find the divine.

You can find divinity in a ringing bell. In a terrible cactus tart. A carnival game you know how to beat. The promises of peace around a table. A cup of coffee. A city you hate. A community you love. A flower growing near a grave. A weapon you carry. A people you surround yourself with.

Those are all… holy to me.

And to me… that meaning is enough.

I hope yours is for you.

#arknights #critical analysis #feel free to reblog #i know this is personal but don't worry I wrote it to be shared #thank you all.#finally i can rest

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bonefall · 1 year ago

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again looking over the reworked history what the hell happened with Ripwater, I wanna know. What *was* that? How did Riverclan kill it?

Oooooh, quite a request! Ripwater, Queen of the Lake, one of the episodes of BB!Po3!

Ripwater is a Wels Catfish, the largest freshwater fish in Europe. The biggest specimen EVER caught was just landed last year, in 2023, 9.4 feet long. It wasn't weighed, but smaller fish than this one have broken 300 pounds.

And it's not a good thing that we're catching so many big ones.

Wels catfish are extremely invasive across most of Europe, introduced for anglers who want to land record-setting catches. They're massive, intelligent carnivores, sometimes called the "freshwater orca" because they will lunge out of the water to catch land prey. They DESTROY the population of anything big enough to fit in its terrible mouth, including fish, amphibians, and even turtles.

They get that big from a mix of constant food and hot temperature. It's a sign that they're devastating their surroundings, and that nothing has been able to kill them for the decades it takes to get so large.

So of course, some dunderhead put them in British rivers, where they've been spreading upwards ever since. Thankfully they thrive better where it's warmer, so they're not too massive of a threat to BB's modeled regions in Northwestern England, but they're fucking coming.

Ripwater's name isn't an exaggeration. That's how they hunt. They gape their jaw and beat their fins like dragons, creating eddies and currents that suck their hapless prey in. When RiverClan names her, it's because they see her ripping the water in half. I was thinking about her recently, and came up with some new stuff. I'll take a brief break from my drafts to serve up some fragments for you.

[A gray cat with blue eyes, Lakepaw, later BB!Lakeheart, swims in bluegreen water surrounded by lilypads. Below her is the massive shadow of Ripwater, a gigantic Wels Catfish. Its eyes flash in the depths.]

SMALL RECAP OF BB!PO3: (to set the stage)

It is now a breather arc, just dedicated to some worldbuilding!

I feel pretty strongly that Po3's strength is how AWESOME of a slice-of-life arc it could have been. To this end, I removed the Kin of your Kin prophecy from it, until it's revealed only at the very end just before Cruel Season.

That's so I can focus on The Three and their adventures around the lake, without this big prophecy looming over them and making the lower-stakes conflicts look small.

Instead, the various episodes of Po3 are related to problems that their new home presents, with just a teeny bit of Sol's magical influence to spice things up.

While Lionpaw learns about the "meaning of strength" and ultimately learns a terrible lesson he will extend to his kits, and Jaypaw finds his limits and learns to prevent others from defining them for him, Hollypaw is grappling with Fire Alone and how to reconcile her grandfather's legacy with her strict dedication to the Warrior Code.

And SO we find ourselves in one of the earliest episodes of BB!Po3; Ripwater the River Demon. This is like... episode 3 or 4, it's a REALLY early one.

I'm just shuffling it around with ANOTHER RiverClan-centric episode; the Shinewater Plague. The oilspill from TNP is now going to be bumped up to Po3 so it's more about establishing Mothwing and her apprentice Willowpaw, to contrast Leafpool and her apprentice Hollypaw, before Holly swaps to being a warrior. Jaypaw completes warrior training before becoming a Cleric apprentice.

So I don't want them to be TOO close together. Maybe put Ripwater in Book 2 and have RiverClan comment that they don't really want to ask for help because of the last big event, Mistystar hates feeling indebted to ThunderClan.

After all, it could basically replace the "flood" episode from Canon Po3, which is often forgotten about anyway. I'm already having ShadowClan construct dams instead of RiverClan anyway...

ANYWAY RIPWATER

I want to start this episode off with Sol/Harry, who is unnamed, messing around near water. He has a bit of a fish motif going on that I want to establish, and I need to get him to start messing with the Clans good and early.

(Specifically his motif is going back and forth between the koi, also an invasive and notably domesticated species, and the atlantic salmon which is famous for its changing life cycle.)

The Wels Catfish is an invasive species to England, slowly making its way up the island from the South. The fish who will become Ripwater, at this point, is already HUGE but not cat-swallowing huge. She's an 80-pounder.

Sol hits her with some godly magic, which allows her to grow at a rapid rate.

The sort of thing where it wouldn't be COMPLETELY implausible. He just... helped it along.

When we get to her first true on-screen appearance interacting with RiverClan, she is nearly 300 pounds of monstrosity with a length of about 8 feet

I'm unsure how, exactly, ThunderClan comes to know of this. But I DO know that I want Hollypaw to be snooping, and heavily encouraged by her mentor Brackenfur to do so. So, somehow, SOMETHING starts going wrong across the lake and ThunderClan catches wind of it.

Thinking about it, this should probably be her first big action after swapping out of Cleric apprenticeship.

One of the few things she's missing about Clerichood is the way she could be close to Willowpaw without needing to sneak around so much. It's easier to just pass it off as "friendship" and "Clerics need to be close." Leafpool and Mothwing are a similar way.

Possibly work in that Hollypaw's also already seeing Heatherpaw in the tunnels, contrast the two things...

At this point, Hollypaw has a crush on Willowpaw, which is requited, but... it's kinda fading.

She still loves her like a friend, but she's liking Heatherpaw a lot more. It doesn't mean she doesn't CARE for Willowpaw, of course, but

Willowpaw is still IN love, and it's slowly becoming unrequited, when it didn't used to be.

And from RiverClan's POV...

The first disappearance is so sudden they have no idea what's happened. I'm planning for it to be Robinpaw.

(I go back and forth on if it's Robinpaw or Dapplepaw, but I'm leaning towards Robinpaw again, because I like Dapplenose too much to have her get killed off here.)

She went out clamming in the lake with her sisters, Lakepaw and Otterpaw, there was a swirl in the water, and that was it. She was gone.

Just like that.

She never came back up. RiverClan searched for her, following the currents, checking the shoreline, everything. It was like she vanished.

Mistystar is suspicious and doing everything in her power to figure out what happened, but... let's face it. It's the word of two apprentices, who were swimming alone, who swear Robinpaw just went under.

Misty JUST got done with the Shinewater Plague and isn't trying to make RiverClan look like it can't keep track of its own young. The most likely situation is that Robinpaw was sucked down by an undertow that the three of them were too inexperienced to recognize.

So... she's pretty adamant about not sharing this information until Robinpaw's body is found. Jaws Style. "We cannot let the other Clans be alarmed by this, else they might meddle in our affairs..."

(and she's still maybe a little paranoid that some snoop in another Clan is going to find out that Leopardstar wasn't killed by a rogue, y'know.)

I don't want it to be TOO much of a bloodbath, so I'm capping Ripwater's body count at three and just aiming for two deaths total.

I'm also going for a coincidence RiverClan is going to interpret as a pattern; this happens a lot, specifically, when they're hunting Freshwater Pearl Mussels.

Ripwater doesn't like the river as much as she likes the lake, but it has nothing to do with their clamming. They're just going to interpret it as such.

Anyway.

The next one she goes after was lucky. By some stroke, she opens her jaw, and the victim is able to grab onto something before they're sucked in. (Maybe toss in something here were it was Holly who was able to help save them.)

Since the WHOLE Po3 Apprentice Generation is going to be getting more focus, there needs to be more input from the RiverClan apprentices. Lakepaw and Otterpaw obviously need time here, but I also NEED to involve Ripplepaw, to establish how he's going to be seen as one of the strongest in RiverClan by OotS.

EDIT FROM THE FUTURE AS I FIGURED STUFF OUT:

It was Ripplepaw, Otterpaw, and their two mentors on a raft who were attacked next. They were fishing for mussels in a shallower part of the lake.

Otterpaw was tethered to the raft with a flax lead, so it wouldn't float off. Or just tugging it in her mouth. Either way she had a line.

When Ripwater attacks her, she is swallowed on the line like a worm on a hook

And it starts pulling the WHOLE RAFT down, just a crummy bundle of sticks

One of the mentors started shouting to cut the line, else it would drag all of them under, but Ripplepaw dives right down to beat its ass without telling them he's not gonna cut it

Hollypaw just rushed right in, didn't think about it, forgetting she was supposed to be trying to sneak around

Taking control as the natural leader she is, she ordered them to shut up and start pulling the opposite way

Underwater, Ripplepaw braced himself against the fish's lips, grabs Otter's tether, and YANKS

Abovewater, the adult warriors are pulling together, Holly grabs the raft and pulls too

Once their paws touch the bottom of the shallows it's over, one last HEAVE-HO and POP!

Otterpaw is FREE

And when it's finally known that the apprentices weren't mistaken, there's a monster in the water, THAT'S when the debate really starts up. Mistystar does NOT want ThunderClan meddling, and she'll already be pissed off that Hollypaw (and any OTHERS who tagged along with her, I wouldn't put it past Honeypaw to wriggle her little yellow butt into a later draft, or Lionpaw for his massive strength) witnessed something that's not her business.

There's a moment from canon I desperately want to keep; where Squirrelflight comes to fetch her daughter.

(more reason to just say this is replacing The Flood Episode from canon lmao)

It's such an interesting moment, and so forgotten. In a nutshell, Squilf is both furious and concerned that her kit went missing and meddled in another Clan's affairs, but... understands the impulse.

Because it's something she would have done.

So when she scolds Hollypaw, there's this aching feeling that she's scolding a younger version of herself. Calling her arrogant and disloyal, that an apprentice's opinions mean less, and that she needs to listen to "older and wiser" warriors within her own Clan.

In BB, I want to do something big with this. Firestar is the figurehead of Fire Alone, who encouraged Hollypaw's behavior through his deputy, Brackenfur, who he set as her mentor for a reason.

But Squirrelflight is being abused. By Brambleclaw.

This is one of the lowest points in Squirrelflight's life, and she is walking a line between self-worth, the warrior code, and her personal beliefs, just like her daughter is.

SO, since I'm already using Brambleclaw's enabling of Ashfur's physical abuse as one of the contributing factors to Hollyleaf's descent, I ALSO want to show how he acts on other characters.

Brambleclaw, Clan Culture, the pressures of their strength-obsessed social system. So it's gotta be Squirrelflight that reminds her, or even plants the seed in her head;

"What you did isn't consistent with the Warrior Code."

Maybe even have Mistystar herself state this earlier, to be echoed by Squirrelflight, offering an alternate perspective to Hollypaw. Make her realize that ThunderClan's political leanings are not universal or even popular.

But when Hollypaw comes back to ThunderClan, whoever set her to be a snoop wants her to spill the beans. This is also a big WIP part, as Hollypaw struggles with if she's going to obey or not, and I still need to set all the political "players" in this moment.

I know for sure, though, that Firestar's IMMEDIATE desire is to meddle like it's an episode of Scooby-Doo. Though he's savvy enough to be smart about how he phrases it and what actions he takes, his ultimate goal is to put his little cheeto-dust paws all over this. And Hollypaw is starting to question how appropriate that actually is.

This is where it starts to really be a rip in Holly's mind. Clans aren't JUST big, blanket groups with united opinions, they're collections of individuals. Mistystar doesn't want meddling, but Willowpaw is in danger. Otterpaw and Lakepaw went all that time without being believed, after they watched their sister die, because they're lowly apprentices like her. Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw are angry and disappointed, while Firestar and Brackenfur are secretly lathering her in praise.

Now imagine me standing in front of a big board where I'm writing ??? because there's a missing chunk here.

I need to connect THIS part to what comes next, which is where ThunderClan DOES come in and help out. Here's the thought process going on in RiverClan;

Willowpaw comes in to do something important. She adores Hollypaw, knows her value as a Cleric, and knows that StarClan can sway Mistystar.

I want her to have a couple of pieces of a vision... BUT. She decides to interpret it in a way that's convenient, and add a few details.

It's not a tooootal lie lmao. It's just 75% true.

This is the true power of Clerics, when they realize it. No one can actually challenge them without just ignoring them or stripping them of power. They are accountable to StarClan alone.

A mentor simply doesn't say this out loud to their apprentice. It's a quiet secret. And Willowpaw just realized it.

and thinking about it... this should be the thing that finally breaks the budding romance Holly and Willow had. Holly is sickened by this, when Willow confesses how she convinced RiverClan to work with ThunderClan.

But, without even being a full Warrior, the apprentice leverages her power as Cleric of RiverClan, and 200 skill points of Improv Acting, to tell them these things;

"StarClan is so angry with us that they've sent a hog to the water! It's why they've sent a ThunderClan apprentice, we must work with them to eliminate the beast that lurks in our waters. With spears and plans, we must hunt it honorably!"

(Mistystar is defensive, but it's not known why) "We haven't disobeyed StarClan in any way. We'd already accepted their help once before, when sickness drove us to weakness, and it's only let them think they can disrespect our borders as they please. This can't be the holy will of our ancestors."

"It's-- We've been disrespecting this bountiful new land that they've so generously given us. That's what the pile of shells in my dream was. Think about it! The last attack was on the shore where we collect mussels. The second attack was on a cat latched to a raft, and it was only the tether that saved them. And the first..."

IVE GOT AN IDEA, Robin, Lake, and Otter WEREN'T clamming when they were attacked. She gestures over to Lake, knowing that if she doesn't back her up, the theory crumbles.

(Otter is in the Cleric's den, unconscious.)

Lake hesitates, not wanting to lie. Willow jumps back in,

"It's why Otterpaw was attacked," does those little jazz-hands to be like 'come in bitch work with me,' "And it's why Lakepaw has to be involved in killing it, to end what she started, and appease StarClan."

Lakepaw more like I LIKE-what-you-just-saidpaw, "It's true, we were so ashamed to admit it, Mistystar, this is all MY fault, I wanted my siblings to dig up mussels, PLEASE let me atone by stabbing the fish to death"

AND AFTER THAT IT'S NOODLIN' TIME

Mistystar, begrudgingly, accepts Firestar's help, or perhaps reaches out to him. Ripwater is a "Hog in the Lake," a beast too big for them to kill honorably on their own.

ThunderClan is the ONLY Clan that uses spears, and only for boar hunts. To protect themselves and to give their quarry a quicker death.

No other Clan touches weapons for dishonor reasons, as they're heavily associated with the demon Shredtail.

I should have Willowpaw explain her half-truth to Hollypaw here, and it's where Hollypaw just... so very suddenly can't look at Willowpaw the same way.

Jaypaw would definitely face an ableist moment from someone, but it's going to have to be one of those times where he accepts that there IS a very real limit to his ability here. Spears are range-weapons and his whiskers don't reach that far. He can't tell where he's stabbing, and the water is going to make it too hard to smell where Ripwater's dangerous mouth is. He can't be chosen for this hunt.

Meanwhile Lionpaw learns from Willowpelt how to make a spear and it is one of the most satisfying things he's ever done in his life, he's like "this is so awesome oh my god i love weapons"

just gently setting up that he's going to eventually become ThunderClan's head of hunting, and also that he's a lil violent

I feel like him and Lakepaw should hit it off a little because they both think the idea of stabbing a fish in the face is super cool, only for someone to growl at them that they shouldn't be enjoying themselves so much

Maybe Blackclaw, fuck that guy

(absolute tangent but BB!Lionblaze is kind of evolving into a little dork and I love that for him. Local himbo only capable of making friends or enemies, all Clanwide opinions on him are polarized, more at 11)

THE PLAN

So how DO they kill that thing? First of all, it's all about strategy.

Immediately they started making a couple of specialized spears. Most spears they make are exclusively for boar-hunting, so they have a distinctive "lug" that prevents a boar from impaling itself down the shaft to get you.

Someone in RiverClan explains that you don't want a fish having the chance to get off a claw. If Ripwater escapes, they might not find her again until she kills someone else

The solution is that these need to be custom-made, with special claw-shaped prongs, so they're chevron ^ shapes instead of tear-drop points. They stab in, and don't pull out.

So they need to make spears from scratch, which is an intensive process, and they don't have time to waste. RiverClan doesn't want to hunt by water that has a chance of having a freshwater orca spawn and drag you in; they'll starve

And there's only so many artisans in TC that can MAKE spears. Glue, twine, shafts, blades... these are all things that take hours of labor to create.

And MORE IMPORTANTLY, they realized from the Raft Rescue that a tether, attached to a floating object, can be very useful. Each weapon has rope tied through it and is tethered to a raft-- which is even MORE intensive, RiverClan had to repurpose several nets to create so many lines, and they only own three rafts, so the rest have driftwood.

So they only have time to create 3 special water-spears, and bring in 2 modified boar-spears.

Lionpaw is like visibly disappointed he can't have one lmao

The only apprentice given a spear is... Lakepaw. And it's a boar-spear

Because she's gonna be bait. They believe the litter is cursed for their "sin" and she'll be the next target.

But still, they chum up the water near the last sighting with blood and crowfood, like hog slop, and wait.

(Heavy WIP stuff here as we get to a play-by-play I haven't fully figured out yet)

Their plan is to get it on the shore as quickly as possible.

Four cats could pull Otterpaw from its mouth, so 5 spearcats and a dozen strong warriors could pull it onto the shore. Surely.

shorely.

It comes as expected, lunging at Lakepaw. She leaps back and tries to use her spear on it, but she is NOT properly trained with it, she stabs its face, but can't break the skull

RiverClan manages to toss a net at the beast, but it's NOT heavy enough

And they managed to get LAKEPAW with it, pressing her to the beast, her spear is dropped into the water

Someone shouts that it swims like an eel, able to just reverse course unlike a REAL fish which must turn

In the panic, warriors start mobbing it.

she thrashes, and splashes and the net is barely holding her back at all

She smashes a warrior with her tail, buffs another with her powerful head

She's stabbed in her side by a ThunderClan warrior (probably Sandstorm), and she turns on the raft they're standing on, breeching and SMASHING it to bits. Lionpaw and the rest of the cats on this raft get dunked

In the water, ThunderClan cats are useless, and RiverClan cats can't properly handle spears.

Someone from RiverClan, probably Blackclaw, tries to free Lakepaw but is scooped up in Ripwater's mouth.

He's screeching and yowling and trying to hold onto its upper jaw, regularly cut off as she dives under

When Willowpelt gets her spear in, she holds onto that damn stick with her LIFE, getting swung around and dunked in the water and then going back up into the air

Thornclaw, holding the other boar-spear, aims for its tail

But it's not enough; Even with several warriors of RiverClan, five spears, a net, and the weight of the two remaining rafts, Ripwater's managing to pull them towards the depths

She's too big to bite, too large to claw, and too strong to hold down

LIONPAW TIME

He grabs the spear that Lakepaw dropped

Ripplepaw seems to zoom right passed him, running away from the fish. He thinks he must be some kind of coward, the fight's NOT OVER YET!! WE NEED TO HELP LAKEPAW

(In a later draft I might have Lionpaw be on the smashed raft, and Ripplepaw brings the spear to him before turning and bolting back to shore. Either way he doesn't explain himself)

He paddles near one of the rafts, and is pulled up onto it

Firestar calls him a WONDERFUL BOY for bringing the spear

Lionpaw mumbles something enthusiastic around the stick in his mouth, wriggles his butt, and jumps back into the water

Grabbing the net sticking to Ripwater and using it like tree bark, he pulls himself on

Bites the spear by the lug like a handle

And stabs it in like a knife

But it's already starting to pull out, too shallow

Filled with anger and resolve, he bites the shaft, and PUSHES

Harder and harder and harder until there's a crackle, the twine breaks loose, and the lug snaps

The rest of the spear slips in as if Ripwater's made of butter

Figuring that's probably deep enough, he lets go of the net, breaching the surface, sputtering and hacking

He's about to dive again to go get Lakepaw, but to his surprise, she breaks the water next to him

and then he feels the fish bump his paws

His name is called from the shore, and there's Hollypaw and Ripplepaw waving. Ripplepaw TOOK HIS SPEAR'S ROPE. Like a GUY WHO THINKS.

Now there was a team of cats on the shore, all the spent warriors who got thrown off, pulling Ripwater to the shore.

And from the feeling of slimy fish under his paws, it seemed like her fight had been all but spent.

And more cats were swimming to shore now, with the ropes attached to the other spears.

Once on the shore, they're able to discover that, tragically, Blackclaw has died. Mistystar in particular looks deeply torn by this, as their relationship was notoriously toxic. But still, he had been the father of her children, and drowned trying to save a Clanmate. She jumps up onto the massive fish, giving a speech about sacrifice, how Blackclaw and Robinpaw would be honored, and that RiverClan has learned its valuable lesson.

Ripwater was symbolic; it's the greed they had unleashed upon the lake by over-exploiting one resource. From now on, they would be respectful of StarClan's bounty. She thanks ThunderClan for helping to fulfill a prophecy, and offers that their debt be repaid by splitting the meat of the hunt.

Hollypaw, internally: "Oh she's doing that on purpose. She knows ThunderClan hates fish and it would be rude to refuse."

Firestar: "well. how could we refuse."

Sandstorm, quietly, in the distance: "easily actually ew"

CLOSING STUFF

I kinda want some kind of "epilogue festival" where the two Clans legitimately celebrate with a somewhat somber meal sharing. Some of these episodes in Po3 will result in lasting traditions and holidays that are celebrated annually.

At that little "fish festival," it works for Holly to officially break it off with poor Willow, to leave this episode off on a bit of a sad note.

This was one of the first times Lionpaw's power becomes obvious, and it's the sort of thing that wasn't really noticed. I figure it would be good for Lakepaw to ask how that lug snapped, she could barely even get the spearhead in. Lionpaw just brags and says it must be because he's SUPER STRONG.

For some reason he's just making a ton of friends whenever I write these out, I think I'm going to lean into it. Lionpaw's got friends when he's a kid lmao, starts losing them over time as he gets more violent.

It's probably because I really need a comic relief in The Three's dynamic. Hollypaw is very dramatic, Jaypaw is dealing with legitimately stressful social issues, and Lionpaw is violent. Someone has to lighten the mood up a little and it's probably because he's The California Girl himself lmao

At this fish festival he also discovers fish isn't actually that bad. Everyone's being weird about this. It's not really that slimy. It's got a strong taste but that's kinda nice, actually?

Could use some berries but like... "damn why don't we do this more often. this would go great with blackberries."

Ripplepaw: "You think so? I can taste sweetness, can I try to make it at home and tell you how it works out at the next Gathering?"

Lionpaw: "It's not hard, you just mash the berries and stew them in a little water before pouring it over your meat. I learned it from Willowpelt, she's got a mad sweet tooth."

Lakepaw: "No offense Lionpaw, but I always thought you were a total lunkhead. I never thought you'd like, cook?"

Lionpaw: "I mean not really, I'm an awful cook, I can just make simple stuff. Willowpelt's just nice enough to be patient with me, my mentor Ashfur says if I can learn something anyone can, haha."

Just a nice little moment for him.

Blackclaw is being mourned in the mortal plane, but secretly, getting a SCATHING trial up in StarClan. His death was heroic, but his ENTIRE LIFE was treacherous.

From teaching Hawkfrost to follow in his father's pawsteps, to joining him in WindClan's Civil War, and his constant arguing and undermining of Mistyfoot back when she was just a deputy trying to do the right thing.

He goes on trial for a bunch of things he did in TigerClan, too, facing his victims who took his misdeeds to their graves. He's not the only cat in RiverClan who is getting a review like this.

Leopardstar is already in the Dark Forest, and soon, Blackclaw's sent there too.

I decided to kill off Blackclaw here so he could have a VERY cool Land Mar;

(context: all Dark Forest demons now get a cool little evil playset area just for them, where they spawn into after they're thrown out of StarClan. These are called Land Mars)

It's still unnamed, but it's basically an even BIGGER Ripwater. It goes above and below the river and lakes of the Dark Forest, popping up in any body of water big enough to hold her.

#better bones au #Land Mar #Ripwater #BB!Po3 #Better Bones AU #BB!Lakeheart #BB!Willowshine #BB!Hollyleaf #Fallenleaf #Wels Catfish #I NEED to make an art tag for my partner #Gamer-the-kittypet art #THEIR SUGGESTION NOT MINE

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