#(this user wants to frolic in a field with xavier) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

solifloris · 27 days ago

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"feverish attempts" ; a braindump (word vomit) from yours truly !!!! again !! because i kid you not i think this card genuinely displays so much of what xavier's love means, and it's more than just the cute/sexy moments this card has. i'm a firm believer that this is a very top tier card and it's really up there in my top 3 xavier cards and i,

SDKJGDSJ i was actually debating on whether or not i was going to do this bc my brain is just so mush over this card, but i also can't stop thinking about it and i have this constant urge to yap so like. why not just yap under the cut amiright 😭

ill kinda be summarizing points i made in previous posts i made (no restraint, floral blessing, voyage of the outcast) so this is like, one super giant culmination of all of those posts? so uhhh ;; uhmm ;;;; the usual spoiler warning for xavi myths and anecdotes i suppose :D !!

what i will ALWAYS reiterate in all of my xavier card posts like this, is that his past identity is so, so, so important to his development.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

imo the reason it's mentioned so much, is so that we as the audience can see that xavier—even xavier, who's lived for god knows how long at this point—still has room to grow. he can still change, and he can still want to change, and he still will change, for the betterment of himself.

because we all know how he started out as. i mention it so many times, and i know that a lot of xavier girlies know it too; there is so so much importance in his starting identity of a prince. when you grow up with an identity like that, it becomes so ingrained into you that no matter what you do a part of you will always go back to it, and it will always still shine through in the little things that you do.

and, at the same time… in order to understand why xavier's behavior in 'feverish attempts' is so important, we need to understand how we got there.

so just to preface, i'm going to grab what i wrote for 'voyage of the outcast':

a) ; the nature of a prince.

something i do wish we had (or may get) more insight into is what exactly his life was like in philos x.x largely what we know of can only be inferred, because the story is being told through mc's point of view, and technically mc doesn't get too deep into the kind of lifestyle each of the LI's have.

with that being said... xavier, in his lightseeker myths and the 'when shooting stars fall' anecdote, still does encapsulate typical princely duties. there's the formality of royalty, the responsibility that comes with a higher status... a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title, and in that effect—we all know that there's a certain air of elegance and poise that xavier generally carries himself with, whether that be in his swordfighting, or the words he uses (he has pretty eloquent speech sometimes), the books he reads... even little things, like the calligraphy he does, his handwriting, the slow dancing, playing the piano. he's well learned, and it's clear that he's been trained truly in the image of a prince.

and he's calm. collected. for the most part, we've seen him deal with adversities in a way that's almost chillingly calm; and for the most part, he portrays himself in a way that feels as if it's not easy to get him to lose that calm. again, it's why we as the audience tend to be so shocked when he does lose that calm. he just gives this image of someone who doesn't often lose control of his emotions...

but it's never been because he wants it that way.

along with all of these things, comes the duty of being a prince.

xavier isn't just a prince, he's the crown prince. he's the next-in-line. he's expected to take the throne after his father's death, and that means being able to lead and care for his people. that's a heavy burden to bear. he's already likely faced with all these lessons, to exude a princely demeanor, and all that formality, and speciality, and elegance, and poise—and now he has to keep in mind that the satisfaction and the safety of this planet will fall directly into his hands when the time comes.

we know later on in his lightseeker myth that this means much more than we think it does—because it means being aware of, and accepting, and condoning the sacrifices that go into keeping philos safe, for, well... exactly that. to keep the people safe.

—"...I knew you'd catch on. However, it is a necessary duty of the crown prince. It is also the King's responsibility."

—"Xavier! Listen to me. A King cannot act on his emotions or only protect the people he holds dear. Your duty is to protect Philos. You must only do what is necessary."

his duties are outlined. he has to protect philos. he must only do what is necessary.

and it's also worth noting that although the context here is somewhat dark, this is a rule that applies to general leadership—there is not much room to be selfish, because you have to think about the people under your care, or rule, or jurisdiction. it's a responsibility that falls on your shoulders for you to bear, for you to make the right call, the right decision. and that is the value that the xavier's father is trying to instill in him.

because he is the crown prince.

because he will soon be king.

and heavy is the head that wears the crown.

...only, xavier has never once been receptive of it.

b) ; learned helplessness vs psychological resistance.

we go back to, again, "when shooting stars fall", and the very clear recognition mc has of his lack of freedom.

because that's what it is.

lack of freedom.

because duty is the enemy of freedom.

and xavier, given his position, is undeniably plagued by all of these duties and these obligations and these things that fall to him—

yet, he's never wanted any of it.

though not explicitly confirmed in the game itself, the setup that's implied leads us as the audience to believe that xavier has never enjoyed his royal duties, never found that it was something he desired. it could be that he wanted many other things, but has never been allowed to enjoy these things. in "when shooting stars fall", he's often lonely; often surrounded by these "bodyguards" and rarely interacting with other people in the academy. he believes that these figures restrict him from watching the meteor shower with mc, too.

so it's possible to think that he's believed, all that time, that he had no say in the things that he does...

because he has to be molded into the perfect image of a prince.

that's where it comes in: the constraint. something that limits one's freedom of action or choice.

it may or may not be what happened literally, but it's clear that by the time anecdote 3 happens, xavier had developed into a person conditioned to think that he was not allowed to do as he wished. it could be the strict training, it could be the little things they might have kept from him when he was little.

but xavier believed that there was nothing that he could do.

in a sense, this brought about a sense of learned helplessness.

learned helplessness is the learned feeling that one has little to no control over a certain situation. and because of the lack of control, feelings of helplessness, or passivity, or a lack of motivation to take action, end up resurfacing.

it could mean overlooking opportunities for relief, or change… but it means basically accepting the situation as-is, without bothering to try to get out of it. "it is what it is." "i can't do anything anyway, so why should i still bother?"

this is the xavier that we meet at the beginning of anecdote 3.

— "I can't." "Is it because of those..." I hesitate, wondering what to call them. "People?" Xavier appears shocked, and then he nods without saying a word.

— "Don't be sad. I'll just go by myself... I'll bring your wish to the stars when I do. What's your wish?" "I don't have one." "How could someone not wish for anything?"

however...

it changes.

the xavier at the beginning of that anecdote is not the same xavier we see at the end of it.

mc makes various comments; talks about how he's smiling more, and we see him more deliberately avoiding the company of those "people" in favor of being with mc instead. he's found something he wants, and he makes the decision that this is worth fighting for. it breaks him out of that mold of learned helplessness—

only to have it ripped away from him through mc's death.

this anecdote is painful because he realizes that he doesn't have to be trapped anymore... but it's a moment that's short-lived.

and it builds.

it's very likely that the end of that anecdote haunts him for years on end, builds up a certain sense of resentment and disdain for the universe, for his circumstances, and builds more of that rebellious nature.

when we see him in his lightseeker myth, that learned helplessness is gone.

and instead, it switches to the opposite end.

xavier is more headstrong. he's no longer passive, no longer the boy who was unsatisfied with the restrictions but sat still and did nothing. he literally walks out of his conversation with the king, and he's seen multiple times in the myth defying what's expected of him.

but because it's gotten to the point where he's at the opposite end of the spectrum...

he'd develop, instead, what would be called psychological resistance.

maybe not the concept in its entirety, sure, but the very core of it—that is, displaying these paradoxical, opposing behaviors in response to what he'd be told to do.

he's so insistent on rebelling against all of this, that the more he's told he's a prince, or that he has to do this or that or help philos or whatever, he'd completely turn his back on it. i would argue that at this point he is being less objective of the situations and, by going against the expected conduct of a prince, gets overly emotional. because at this point, the only thing that matters to him is mc.

so we get to see the full extent of exactly why xavier is emotionally unstable, because he keeps fluctuating between the two extremes of dealing with all the constraint he's experienced.

and one thing i want to add to this point is the concept of why people turn to these kind of responses.

it's already been established that xavier doesn't like what he's been made to do, doesn't like the people who force him to do all this, doesn't like his duties, doesn't like his roles.

it's established—he feels trapped.

and the main, simplest result in this is—the feeling of being threatened.

not literally, but just because it's the opposite of feeling safe.

the nervous system's main responses to signals of threats—or signals opposing safety—are (1) fight or flight; (2) freeze. freeze referring to learned helplessness, and then fight or flight referring to psychological resistance. these are states of the nervous system that it constantly fluctuates between depending on the level of perceived threat, but it will be in either of those states unless it feels safe.

so what we're getting at here is—xavier doesn't feel safe.

now there are still other parts of his background that give us information on his behavior. for example, like how his insistence on leaving behind his princely identity puts him in a state of incongruence (i do talk about this more in the voyage of the outcast post if you want to look through it! <3). but the thing is that at this point with 'feverish attempts', xavier has been steadily moving away from that incongruence. we first saw it with the lumiere myth. how lumiere seemed very much in line with what his princely persona was like, and it may have been why he was so aversive to lumiere, especially that mc likes lumiere aka a part of him that he wanted to leave behind. in the end of that myth, mc did make it clear that she loves every part of him, and she likes lumiere even more because he is xavier. so much so that by 21 days, "every version of me belongs to you, and only you." xavier took that first step into realizing that he wants to give mc every part of him, even the ones he doesn't like. he's still willing to let her love him even then.

in no restraint, we see him battle with the fact that he just has so, so much love for her that he simply doesn’t know how to deal with it anymore—that he feels trapped in it, that he wishes he could show her love as much as he feels, but he doesn't know how to. it's one of the starting points of their relationship romantically as both he and mc steadily work through that tension and guide it towards something more wholehearted, and mc reciprocates the desire he has to love her. he's no longer a cupcake she'd keep tucked away for herself, and she doesn't want him to hold back either.

in floral blessing, we talked about how "i wish i can be your sanctuary until the end of time, in your eyes." conveyed a sense of steadfast reassurance, because xavier has now grown to accepting himself wholly, and now he knows what he wants. he wants to be mc's sanctuary, and there is no hesitation in him disclosing that to her even if he still leaves the final decision up to her. “Forever is but a collection of moments strung together. With every minute comes another, second after second. When I open my eyes again, I want you to still be by my side.”

and then what you can really see through all of that development, is that xavier now feels like he has a safe space to be more honest with her.

the root of xavier's problems has always been working through that incongruence, and in turn from that incongruence stems his insecurities of "not being good enough" for mc or wondering if, "will mc like me if i'm like this?", that sort of vibe.

but he's been working through that—now he knows who he is, he's more sure of who he is.

there's way too many things to say about cards like silvery polyphony, celestial message, inflorescent imprints… these cards are cards where we see xavier express his love in profound, meaningful ways to her, because he is so, so, so sure that he wants to love her.

he is so, so, so sure that he wants to be the best possible version of himself for her.

because the biggest difference between then and now, is that xavier now feels SAFE.

with what i mentioned earlier, xavier had never felt truly safe with his family and his responsibilities breathing down his neck like that. the only time he felt safe enough, found the freedom enough to feel safe—was when he was with mc, during anecdote 3.

we know that moment was taken from him.

and now, it's taken years and years and years for him to finally be in this space where (1) mc allows him to be himself, and (2) mc allows herself to reciprocate his feelings and reassure him of her own love. we especially see a lot of that towards the end of misty silhouette.

in order to understand why 'feverish attempts' is so meaningful, we first have to understand how we got here.

and as it stands, that is exactly the way we got here—all of that development leading into the safety he feels with mc, which is shone so, so, so beautifully in this card.

it starts the moment he overhears the customers talking about someone always 'off to save the day'. this is a moment we can glean back into his insecurities—"will mc like me?" "i'm kind of like that sometimes. is she upset?"

and xavier doesn't just leave those questions in his head.

this time he's the first to ask— "are you still thinking about what happened earlier?"

he wants to ask if she's upset; he wants to ask if he's messed up. part of him recognizes he might have, and this time instead of shying away—or immediately doing something to try to alleviate or make things up—he asks.

THE FUCKING COMMUNICATION

HE ASKS HER !!!

AND EVEN IF MC SMILES AND BRUSHES IT OFF, HE EXPLAINS IT ANYWAY !!!!!!

we've seen this before; in no restraint, the scene plays out in a familiar manner:

in 'feverish attempts', he says— "The ID was fake. We needed it to get our 'friend' released. As for my name… I'm Xavier. I always will be. … The 'friend' you saw at the psychiatric hospital was a former member of the Backtrackers…"

He even goes so far as to explain things a step further. more about the Backtrackers, and more about who Isaiah really is.

AND HE SAYS—

AND EVEN THEN STILL ASKS HER IF SHE'S MAD AT HIM?

i can't tell you how INCREDIBLE it is to see xavier communicating this much, because through all that we've seen, he has YET to be so STRAIGHTFORWARD with everything !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I dealt with dangerous things without telling you. And after you found out, I still tried to hide it."

he's SELF-AWARE OF WHAT HE DID WRONG, AND NOT ONLY IS HE SELF-AWARE— HE'S ADMITTING IT OUT LOUD EVEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE INSANITY IM TELLING YYYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU HE'S NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE!!!!!!!! I WAS SCREAMING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEN JUST LIKE.

i think this, and really the rest of the card, just shows HOW MUCH xavier's love is SO CENTERED on what EFFORT REALLY MEANS

because are his attempts perfect? no, not at all. mc even gets mildly annoyed about it and has to shut up his constant reports LMAO.

is his love language acts of service? no, not this either. he's not a very service-y kind of person, and you'd kind of expect him not to be, since he's grown up on the borderline of independence as a leader, and simultaneously as a prince who has been served.

but he's TRYING.

in the little prince, one of my favorite quotes is this—"You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed."

because it highlights the importance of trying. the importance of effort.

that when you care for someone, truly care for someone, you still do your best to make that known—especially when you already know how that person receives love, even if it's not the primary way you show love to people, you still try.

there's something so genuine in xavier's attempts, because he's so clumsy with it, but you can feel that all of it is so genuine.

he's taking that responsibility.

everything he does here is so founded on his love for her, so founded on how devoted he is to making her happy, to the best of his abilities.

he knows he can do better.

he wants to do better.

he is doing better.

mc, in turn, allows him to be—in this card she asks him to update her, she tells her that she wants to be involved in his life. and it gives him that safe space. allows him to open up, keeps his nervous system for going into fight or flight or even freeze.

he feels safe with her, and more than anything—he wants to be involved in her life, too.

so this card was about all of that coming together, the acceptance, the peace of it—the way they're both letting each other into their lives simultaneously, and allowing more free-flowing communication to happen.

i can't stress enough how many times free-flowing communication can't happen because one side feels the other isn't genuine, or one side feels they're not doing enough for the other, etc.

it might have felt like that with xavier and mc, because a push and pull can only go so far, right? how long until mc stops believing xavier wants her deeply involved in his life, if he doesn't step up to try inviting her in and talking about it? how long until xavier stops believing that mc wants him involved deeply in his life, if mc doesn't step up and try inviting him in?

how long can they hold living on doubts, until one of them gives in and slinks away?

one party won't know until and unless the other party does their part—invites communication, and after communication, doesn't make them just empty words but follows through.

sometimes it's not easy to follow through.

but it has to be made known that even if it's difficult, you're still showing your own intention to try.

and these conversations they have in this card… they start with xavier telling mc he'll update her. and when he's unable to do that, she undeniably gets upset about it—but it doesn't end there, because they talk about it. it's absolutely not the same open end that no restraint leaves on where they just settle on their feelings… it's a card that takes the promise further.

it shows the audience mc's side, shows how unsettling it is for her to keep chasing after something she isn't given all the answers to. it shows xavier's side too, how much he's come to know what he needs to do, but that he's still struggling a little bit.

it shows that their agreement is not easy for xavier to keep, but again that he sill tries to. he still wants to.

and to the best of his ability, he is.

he's doing SO much better than he used to, already.

he's taken so many steps forward—he's poured out all of his intentions.

he knows he's not perfect, and he knows he's messing up… but he, again, knows what he wants.

he wants to be better for mc.

he wants to grow into a better person that can genuinely make her happy, not give her a false sense of security and comfort that she has to doubt sometimes.

and he doesn't just know that, he's making all these fforts to convey it.

LOOK AT IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK AT THE COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE SAY "IF THEY WANTED TO, THEY WOULD"?

WELL, XAVIER.

XAVIER.

THAT'S XAVIER.

XAVIER IS THE EPITOME OF THAT.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THIS IS INSANE TO ME.

THE WAY THAT XAVIER SHOWS LOVE. IS SO. IT'S SO REVERENT.

IT'S SO. DEVOTED.

IT'S EVERYTHING EVER.

IT'S EVERYTHING WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY BEING SO SUBTLY WRITTEN IN HIS CHARACTER THAT IF YOU DON'T GET HIM AND UNDERSTAND WHERE HE'S COMING FROM, ALL OF THIS FEELS LIKE IT FALLS SHORT—

buT IT DOESN'T ‼️‼️‼️

IT'S SO SIGNIFICANT AND SO MEANINGFUL AND

LIKE DO YOU UNDERstAND.

EVERYTIME I THINK OF THIS CARD I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO CRASH OUT OVER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND HOW PRECIOUS HE IS AND HOW WONDERFUL HIS LOVE WITH MC IS 😭😭😭😭😭

jUST!!!!!

EVERYTHING THAT HE DOES IS GUIDED BY MC, BECAUSE HE'S MADE HER HIS REASON FOR LIVING.

AND IN THIS CARD !!!!!!!!! HE'S LEARNING HOW TO SHOW THAT PROPERLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN A WAY THAT MAKES HER FEEL LOVED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN A WAY THAT MAKES HER BELIEVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR REAL THIS TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

/YELLS AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS

DO YOU SEE WHY I LOVE THIS CARD SO MUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU SSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

/GOES INSANE-

#THANK YOU FOR COMING. TO MY TED TALK!#im not normal at all #(this user wants to frolic in the field with xavier)#xavier #love and deepspace xavier #lads xavier #lnds xavier #l&ds xavier #love and deepspace #love & deepspace #lads #lnds #l&ds #lnds garden 🌹#lndthonks 🌹

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