#(this was one of my favourite moments from the game so obviously my predictable ass made a comic page. lmao)

[undefeatablesin]

YOU MUST ANSWER ⏳️

[troofless]

yo i finished umineko and here is my tierlist on how much i enjoyed the characters. thoughts further below.

overall i would not recommend to anyone else because the plot thread is so hard to follow for a minimal payoff 6 chapters later (everything is revealed in chapter 7 and chapter 8 is a fucking nightmare of a tying up loose ends that was fucking painful to go through), EVEN CONSIDERING that it is a ‘murder mystery’ meant to be reread several times. would rate it i don’t understand why people call it iconic/10.

my main thoughts/grudges with the story:

let me preface by saying that battler is amazing. meta battler, piece battler, whatever, he stayed a consistent sunny force throughout the entire novel and is always a delight to watch his journey and thoughts throughout the game. he stays consistently empathetic, forgiving, despite his growth into a hardened warrior of a intelligent mystery solver on the ruthless gameboard of the likes of bern, beatrice, and lambda. this is why i thoroughly dislike when the game diverts away from his POV to someone else’s, mainly ange’s and later on, will’s.

about ange: i hate ange. her whole arc was about her struggling with being forgiving and not forgiving everything, shown with the scenes of imaginary maria and her journey to rokkenjima. i really liked the scene when she commanded the seven stakes to kill her classmates but they couldn’t, causing her to shun then, which has a huge payoff later on when she is told later how that keys into the basis of magic, where as long as no one else knows how things happen, magic can hide human crimes as magic. but then ange takes up so much time away from battler and the mystery just for her own angst filled journey that eventually ends in an anticlimatic end - battler in chapter 8 coaxes her to believe that magic and love can be an encouraging force, and she shuns that completely, opening the diary - up until here, that’s ok because i too wanted to know the truth, but then when she opens the diary she shuns the truth??? and suddenly she runs back to battler like a wounded animal saying that she should have trusted battler all along like a proverbial son. and it’s done so abruptly that i hate it. at the end of it all i just wanted her journey to be over and go back to battler, the obviously better protagonist of the two. i get that ange is supposed to be a flawed human being in contrast with bitterness and hatred and jadedness, but it is also because of those same flaws that make her so boring because she’s just so predictable.

also let me say here, that i fucking hate sakutaro. sakutaro was okay as a lion, but the moment they made him a human avatar with that annoying ass uryu tick i fucking hated it. maria was already ticking me off by taking so much screen time with her scene with her and rosa, MARIA convincing ange ‘magic is real!!’ and the whole sequence where ange imagines her being friends with the seven stakes. it was pulling time away from the mystery with beatrice and battler to set up something that could be explained in fewer scenes - that you need love to believe and twist the truth or some other theme relating to that - and it was utter torture going through all of ange’s moments because of this.

about beatrice: so sayo/yasu was basically three-timing battler (by holding onto feelings for him), jessica, and george. which is just. why. the twist is classic for a murder mystery - i particularly like the clue that kanon’s body is never found after he’s murdered, shannon and kanon are never seen together by other people, shannon is the only one who knows natsuhi’s favourite season is autumn, when beatrice marks them with a butterfly burn so they know them meeting her is real the marks are identical on their hands to show they share the same body - so it’s fine. but the whole business with her manipulating other people’s feelings is just so weird and fucked up that i (battler) can’t condone. plus, who is she really? at the end she meets up with battler as beatrice and jumps into the ocean, which means that she has settled on beatrice being the dominant personality but that’s just cruel to the other two personalities that suddenly feel a lot ‘lesser’ because of this. also, the possibilities for incest with the reveal (triple incest with battler jessica and george, lmao) makes it so funny. 

my dislike for the narrative: throughout the entire game, it’s basically a given that narrative lies to you; about shannon/kanon, about the fantasy stuff that happens in the mystery sections not being real but a lie told by someone’s POV, the sprites of beatrice, shannon and kanon, being wholly different even though there’s no way they don’t look similar in reality, even the meta sections or the sequences where ange is in the real world don’t actually occur. it confused the hell out of me and made me so frustrated because they never explain the lies either; the solution to the mysteries for all the games are never explained but vaguely alluded to, meaning i have to pick up a wiki or reddit section to get explanations for those. heck, i didn’t even know or theorise that kanon was one of yasu’s personas until i pulled up a reddit section after the end of the game! i hate that the game doesn’t give you the answers, i get that they’re supposed to make you think, but that’s just bad mystery writing. explain all the tricks fairly by the end of the book.

the epitaph: the fact that someone solved it as soon as chapter 5 was amazing, but i hate that they didn’t give the taiwan hint until chapter 7. insert something about a detective rule that all hints should be given at the start of the game bla bla. i do like the quadrillion hints from as far as chapter 2 (battler offhandedly mentioning it when he visits the chapel?) and chapter 4 (photo from kumasawa’s family visit?) though.

THE FUCKING JEBAIT IN THE NAMES OF THE GAME. ANSWER ARC IS NOT ANSWER ARC. YOU ONLY GET ANSWERS IN CHAPTER 7. chapter 5 and 6 are a fucking pain in the ass to get through because of this, ESPECIALLY WHEN they tease battler understanding beatrice but never explaining what it is at all. (and yes i didn’t know how to solve chapter 6 logic error at all after chapter 6 ended.) and the fact that chapter 7 has the nerve to start with WILL as the protagonist and battler never appears... is so infuriating. tldr i spent 4 chapters of the question arcs having so many questions, making theories, enduring all the shitty fantasy sequence bullshit because i thought everything would be answered in the ANSWER ARC and have a huge payoff only to be sorely disappointed by the shitty answers that were chapter 5 and 6. i truly believe that if chapter 2, 4 and 5 didn’t exist, the game would have been better. 

i might as well put it in now that i remember that i spent the first half of chapter 2 groaning at how shitty it was that they had to divert from the interesting mystery - especially after the wonderful hook of chapter 1 tea party - to tell about the love story of george/shannon and jessica/kanon that i was wholly uninterested in, and it only got interesting once the mystery section came into play. and yes, all things considered, i still think that whole section should be cut out, or at least in later sections, slashed in size because yes we need to hear that shannon destroyed the mirror like five different times in five different points of the story, stop recapping pointless things!!!! (yes i know it’s supposed to key into the mystery that shannon is sus and later in the reveal that beatrice blew it up with dynamite cements that she is shannon)

also i hate the fight scenes like bern having to go the extra length to hold a single truth book party which has to lead to a fight scene with lambda that ends with the storyteller god killing lambda because 1. they are so obviously fantasy and the narrative blatantly tells you that they are using this to misguide you and 2. exactly as above. they are all skippable because of that in my mind.

oh yeah. and kyrie shooting eva but not checking to see that eva is dead is so completely bullshit, especially since it happens TWICE with beatrice, and then A THIRD TIME with eva again. like i hate the author for making her look incompetent as hell without giving a satisfactory explanation like she was rushing for time or rudolf chased her out of the room or smth.

welp, i’m just glad that now i can look for cool fanart know what they mean and browse through the wiki and ao3 to soothe my enraged heart from the shitty storytelling of umineko.

anyway, here are some fun screenshots i got from reddit while i was post-reading the wiki and reddit for answers even as basic as HOW TO SOLVE BATTLER’S LOGIC ERROR IN CHAPTER 6:

[demonologue]

Some predictions for s2 of The Legend of Vox Machina

(and how it will affect Gilmore’s storyline and how new fans perceive him)

@dreanner95​ wrote:

I am holding out hope for season 2, I really am. But I’ve done some storyboarding math, and it doesn’t look good for Gilmore or any accurate-to-campaign portrayals of his relationship with Vax. 

If you will indulge me, here are the story beats I’m predicting for a 12 episode Chroma Conclave arc:

The dragons attack the city. Rawr. VM fight valiantly but end up having to retreat and teleport to Vasselheim to get help. 

Earthbreaker Groon tests Grog and tries to get him to ditch Craven Edge by telling him about Vestiges. Maybe even specific ones in a certain sunken tomb and Westruun. B-story will be our intro to Viktor and his chaos.

The sunken toooooooooooooooooomb. All angst and finally some focus on Vex’ahlia. Who is the least favourite female PC of all new fans to LoVM because the writers gave her nothing in s1. But that’s another rant.

The Herd of Storms. Kevdak. Westruun. Kaylie. Poppa Willhand. The one-on-one between Grog and Kevdak, ending with a cliffhanger where Grog almost dies.

Surprise, Grog doesn’t die. Now it’s time to fight Umbrasyl with the herd. Black dragon is down in one. No one is surprised after what happened with Brimscythe in episode 3. But wait! It’s Kerr! Let’s celebrate victory and give Keyleth a pep talk about leadership, because she’s the main character.

Time to head to the Feywild, little dogies! Find out why the twins are the way they are, introduce Artagan and watch the chaos, because we would never play down a fan favourite. 

This one is probably a two-parter, because everyone loves Artagan and if the writers don’t take advantage of the angst in Vex’ahlia’s choice between Saundor and her friends, then can they really call themselves writers?

We go to Marquet to grab Cabal’s Ruin, meet J’mon Sa Ord, get drugs for Scanlan, fly on a ship to Glintshore and all that lovely mess because we cannot deny Percival his swan song (his second swan song? idk).

Things have happened. They’re sad. Resurrection ritual. But we have the vestige and one BONUS vestige. Huzzah. Oh no! Raishan in disguise? Stab her, Percy! CLIFFHANGER

Nevermind, it’s fine. On to the elemental plane of fire. A card game. A pit fiend. A slave market. Vestige acquired. Huzzah. 

OH NO save KimAllura from bad mages at Fort Daxio. Then time to kill Vorugal so Raishan can prove herself. Where’s Larkin? Lots of treasure, including the Spire of Conflux. Now let’s do the Siege of Emon. 

The Siege of Emon. Wait, Raishan got away. Let’s go kill her ass. Big victory party. But at the end, Vex shoots a critical success arrow into the spinning ball of death and sees Thar Amphala on the other side. CLIFFHANGER. 

This leaves 0 room for Gilmore. It doesn’t leave room for Gilmore to single-handedly fight Thordak in episode 39. It doesn’t leave room for Vax to cry over his nearly-dead body in episode 40. Moreover, it would be an emotional beat no new viewers would understand, because Vax and Gilmore’s relationship has not been set up to BE that. 

In fact, I would argue that we GOT that emotional beat from Vax for Keyleth in the added FoD scene in episode 11-12. Look at my face. I’m totally fine that they took that moment away from Gilmore and appropriated it to Keyleth. Everything is fine. Mlm is valid in this show, we’re just not going to show you any apart from “harmless��� flirting and Scanlan’s innuendos. 

Likewise, 57 makes no emotional sense. It’s not a huge shock anymore when Hotis stabs Vax disguised as Gilmore, because Gilmore is just an acquaintance. There’s no emotional impact. And the show has already set Hotis up as a little side gag in episode 5. Then how does Vax find out about his wings, you ask? Well, obviously it’s something about Keyleth and true love and why do you need Gilmore for that? There’s nothing special about him, and definitely nothing special to VAX about him.

There’s no need for Gilmore to create and maintain the shield over Whitestone. No need for Gilmore to save them from Vorugal in episode 64. At this point, new viewers would just wonder why time is being taken away from the main characters for this shopkeeper guy.

With all that, I can see Gilmore maybe MAYBE getting to fight Thordak with them in episode 12. But as of now in the story, we have no concept of his real power as a wizard, either. So bringing him along will no doubt seem random. VM will probably bring Allura along instead because it’s been established that she has old beef with Thordak, her boo Kima will be there (and c2 critters love their shield wife lesbians), and she’s also the imperial wizard of Emon. 

Please understand I’m not HOPING for any of this, but I feel like I can see it coming like a slow-moving freight train, and I’m just trying to prepare myself. 

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #437

Top Ten Predictions for the Xbox Games Showcase

So I wasn’t going to do this. I had my “Games Month” in June; that was supposed to be me getting it out of my system whilst the various publishers and platform holders held their Not-E3 video livestreams. That was supposed to take the place of my usual semi-serious lists of E3 predictions; a variety of more generalised run-downs of Stuff To Do With Videogames rather than me saying “A New Perfect Dark” ten times.

But then Microsoft’s “Showcase” event turned out to be the back-end of July, the videos and livestreams kept on pouring in, and I found myself ever devouring more salacious rumours of what games were upcoming, especially for the Xbox Series X. I have even found myself reading – shudder – Reddit.

I know.

Anyway, from being a simple thought experiment of “I wonder what games will be out when the Series X launches?” through to me imagining a blow-by-blow runthrough of the July 23rd event, I guess you could say that I am excited despite my better judgement. I think my problem with videogaming as a hobby is that I retain my fanboy enthusiasm from when I was a ten-year-old eagerly awaiting the next issue of The One Amiga, frantically swapping all eleven disks of Monkey Island 2, but I’m a grown-ass man with a mortgage and two kids and I just don’t have the time. I love reading websites like Eurogamer, and going on forums and checking out Twitter threads and all that, devouring news and titbits about all manner of gaming ephemera, and I often think when do these people have the time?!

Now look, I know hobbies, if you commit to them, can be expensive in terms of money and time. I have friends who collect Transformers toys, and let me tell you, that shit ain’t cheap. But daisy-chaining triple-A RPGs together feels like a lifetime commitment. I’m still playing Mass Effect Andromeda and Titanfall 2. I’ve just started Breath of the Wild and I’m waiting to kick off The Witcher III once I complete something else. I operate about two to three years behind the curve, and with work and kids and other commitments I struggle to find space for the oodles of games I do have, especially because most of the time I just end up on Civilization VI again. And yet…

The lure of the new still excites me. I really want to play all those Sony games on a Sony console that I don’t even own. I’m fascinated by the divergent next-gen philosophies of the big three platform holders. I can’t wait to see what the games I already own will look like embiggened on a 4K TV thanks to a suitable next-gen console. And so I keep consuming this stuff, keep wanting to try the latest thing, keep wanting to be part of the narrative. I’m still excited.

Therefore I’ve decided, against my better judgement, to offer up a prediction list like I usually do at E3 time. This one is just focussed on the upcoming Xbox Showcase on July 23rd. I doubt I’ll do one for the two remaining big showcases in August – I believe both Sony and Microsoft are doing one apiece, where we might finally hear prices of these damn things – because I think by the end of the month all the big game news might finally be out there. Aside from guessing how far off £500 both machines land, I think we’ve probably heard all the major announcements. Maybe I’m wrong! I’m wrong quite a lot! But that’s part of the fun.

So here we go: ten things that probably aren’t going to be announced next Thursday!

Halo Infinite opens the show – and is playable: we know that Halo Infinite will debut some campaign gameplay. As more-or-less a known quantity (even if we don’t know exactly what it’ll look like or how it’ll play), kicking things off with Xbox’s biggest star makes sense and won’t deflate any surprises. What I think might happen, though, is the announcement of some kind of multiplayer demo or closed beta, maybe only for Game Pass subscribers or something. They’ve done it before with Halo, so it’d be nice to get a chance to play one of the year’s biggest games early.  

Hellblade 2 in-engine trailer: Senua’s Saga looks amazing so far, with a phenomenal launch trailer that displayed vast landscapes, intense detail, and some truly awesome facial animation. There’s a lot of speculation that, whilst the trailer was apparently in-engine and running in realtime, it was a fancy cut-scene with “hero assets”. I might have missed a memo somewhere, but I don’t think Hellblade 2 has been confirmed as a “launch window” title; as such, I think it will end up a Series X exclusive (as in, not appearing on Xbox One) and be out Christmas 2021. As such we won’t see a considerable gameplay chunk as with Halo, but we will see some proper in-engine footage – not a cutscene – running on Series X hardware.

Fable IV is out next year: is it an open secret at this point that Playground Games is making a Fable game? I guess maybe they’re not. Maybe there’s not even a new Fable at all. But I think there is, and I think Playground are making it, and I think we’ll see it next week. I guess it probably won’t be coming too soon; maybe Christmas 2021? So I think there’ll be a launch trailer of some kind – hopefully a Hellblade-style in-engine one rather than a rendered movie – but it’ll be a pretty big to-do to close out the show (unless there’s some other surprise “…and one more thing”).

Minecraft ray-tracing: we’ve seen it before, and I’m not sure how much time it’ll take up in the run of things, but I think Microsoft will confirm that there will be a ray-tracing graphics update for Minecraft on Series X. It’ll be part of some other line-wide update, of course – maybe the fabled “Super Duper Graphics” update that was cancelled once before – but Series X owners (or PC owners with the right hardware) will get lots of lovely rays to trace.

Gears Tactics on Xbox this Christmas: the Coalition said their piece about Gears 5 on Series X this week, so I don’t expect them to have a huge presence on Thursday (Gears 6 presumably being too far off), but I think we’ll get a trailer for the excellent Gears Tactics running on Xbox, and confirmation of a Christmas release for one of my favourite PC games of 2020.

Cyberpunk 2077 on Series X: all the footage we’ve seen of Cyberpunk thus far has been – I do believe – running on high-end PCs. CD Projekt Red should have a presence on Thursday, and I think they’ll debut footage – actual proper gameplay – of Cyberpunk running on a Series X. I think we’ll also see further evidence of a cosy relationship with Microsoft, as they announce something – maybe exclusive DLC – as well as just maybe some Cyberpunk-themed Series X hardware. I also think they’ll announce a Series X update for The Witcher III: Wild Hunt.

Big Double Fine blowout: Microsoft’s purchase of Double Fine really excited me, because I’ve been a big Tim Schafer fan for decades. Aside from Psychonauts 2, we don’t know a great deal about what they’re up to. So I think we’ll see a lot of Psychonauts, as well as confirmation of a Christmas release. We’ll also get confirmation of classic LucasArts remasters – Day of the Tentacle, Full Throttle, and Grim Fandango – as well as something else. I’m not sure what. A remaster of the first Psychonauts? Brütal Legend 2? Scurvy Scallywags Series X? what I don’t think it’ll be, however, is any kind of Banjo Kazooie game, because I don’t really think Microsoft bought them to work on existing IP. I think we’ll see something new.

Third-party shenanigans: aside from Cyberpunk, I think we’ll get at least one other extended third-party trailer. Maybe Destiny 2, given the first game’s apparent preference for PlayStation? Maybe one of those military shooters everybody likes but me? Splinter Cell, which is becoming the perennial white elephant during Ubisoft presentations (and obviously has prior as an OG Xbox exclusive)? Or maybe we’ll see something like the announcement of Red Dead Redemption 2 as a Smart Delivery title. That would be pretty cool.

Japanese presence: I’m not sure what exactly, but I think Microsoft will make moves to entice the Japanese market. Perhaps it’ll be like the early days of the Xbox 360, when they published the likes of Blue Dragon. Maybe we’ll see a Western release of some venerated Japanese franchise. Or maybe some other sequel or reboot. Maybe it’ll even be the rumoured announcement of some kind of exclusive partnership with Sega? Who knows? Regardless I think we’ll see evidence of Microsoft making more of an effort in Japan; I think this will be part of a strategy to encourage Japanese gamers to subscribe to Game Pass/xCloud rather than buy more consoles.

One last thing: there’ll be a surprise. Everyone’s predicting everything, but I still think there’ll be a surprise. After the dust settles, good old Phil Spencer (t-shirt prediction: Viva Pinata) will leave us with a little something… a tease, a subtle tease, maybe even just a logo or character reveal. It could be a returning franchise, it could be The Initiative’s debut game, but I’d wager it’s something unexpected, something we’ve never heard anything about. It’s something that’s a long way off, but it’ll have a style or a hook or a brand that instantly makes everyone excited, and will bring the curtain down. Microsoft has largely done a good job establishing itself as a solid platform the last three or four years, but it’s sorely been lacking in mic-drop moments as hardware news is teased and studio acquisitions have taken time to bed in. So whether it’s Joanna Dark, a Mech, Banjo, or something I can’t fathom, we’ll leave on a high.

There we go: ten relatively reasonable, moderately level-headed predictions. I don’t think there’s anything too crazy there. I’ve not gone all-in on a huge Perfect Dark blowout, or Viva Pinata returning, or Microsoft buying Sega or Warner Bros or whatever else could be dreamed up. I’m sure there’s other stuff too; probably some gameplay from previously-announced titles like The Medium or (hopefully) Scorn, that really show off Series X capabilities; no doubt a montage or two, probably of some ID@Xbox games; Forza Motorsport 8, I guess, and I’d wager some info on Flight Simulator on Xbox. I do hope they make the whole presentation look nice though; Sony’s one, where they finally revealed the PS5 hardware, was excellent, with just enough talking-head developer stuff and those lovely idents that served to whet the appetite and tease the eventual look of the machine. We know there’ll be no new hardware or discussion about evolving services, so really all we’ve got to look forward to are games, games, games, which makes a nice change from the reveal of the Xbox One all those moons ago.

Okay, so my absolute crazy just-for-me wish? Well, things are getting thin on the ground now, as the big things I always want from Microsoft – Fable, Crackdown, Perfect Dark – have either happened or are strongly rumoured. Viva Pinata is next on that list, but beyond that? How does Black and White Infinite sound? That’s right, baby, next on my list – Lionhead rebooted!

[krownjester]

How dare you state you have a Sam and Max game idea and not share it? Please what is it? im very curious 👀

well buckle in fellas because its a long ride! i’ll put everything under the cut but heres a tl;dr picture before we get into it

well the picture says a lot; a common sam and max adventure in which they ensue a villain with a very powerful arsenal and not everything is fully explained or is even addressed within the plot.

its not 100% thought out, as most of my ideas are. but basically it starts out with mister commissioner giving our favourite two detectives a new mission; some woman has been kidnapped by an uber-crazy mother fucker and its the type of case that’s perfect for the boys!

and with every sam and max game, there is a bosco (well, there was one in hit the road and OBVIOUSLY one in the telltale games. i love that guy!) there is also an npc ally that’s sort of a mix between momma bosco from the telltale games and the geek from the show. no name yet but a sketch. actually, here’s a sketch below;

on the left, bosco; an absolute nutcase that hides his identity so that no one can tie his various illegal activities back to him.

middle is the smarty-pants; undertiminable age and gender. super smart and hasnt slept in many, many days. are those eyelashes or eyebags? no one will know!

and on the right, the originally kidnapped woman– which brings me to continue…

after some whacky hijinks of finding clues and talking to other people, you eventually track her down: tied up against a wall in a cell, with her own psychic power being drained from her as max and sam do who fucking knows what! once freed, it’s revealed she is a part of a long-lost civilization that has been in hiding for decades. they are the gatekeepers of the universe; in charge of keeping everything in line and in order. everything about them is very much kept under wraps– the knowledge that a small group of people are basically in control of all of space can very much bring alot of unwanted attention to them.

while trying to get her out to the safety of sewer tunnels that reek of shit, the main villainess of the game is shown. she’s the one who’s kidnapped the woman, and apparently doesn’t go down easy. she manages to slip away at the last moment, much to the anger of the kidnapped woman. apparently, they’ve tangled before– not face to face. with her pulling the strings in the shadows while growing despise for our two favourite freelance detectives.

however, the case isn’t solved. their perp is still on the loose, and sam and max aren’t basic bitches, yall! with the help of a new ally, they hit the road (reference intended)! smart fucker ally does some shit and gets them a new lead, with psychic now-not-kidnapped woman giving them tips and tricks.

everything seems to be going well until they actually seem to get to the height of the case; the confrontation. the villainess is a stone cold fucking bitch. sam and max enter the confrontation scene, ally(ies? undecided) waiting in hiding for if backup is needed. they come up on the other hostages and when sam goes to rescue, whoops, its actually a trap. he gets shocked (same voltage as a shock collar i’d think?) and whoops! dead hostages. yikes. 

“the only one i need is her!” villainess shouts while entrapping ally lady who has psychic powers because im a bitch.

she monologues to the two fucking furries about how much she fucking hates them. like a little bitch. GOD i want to marry her.

now, there is one fact about the freelance police i love: they are always together. villains never try to separate them, it’s always sam & max, never just sam. or max. and i love that. we’ve all seen what happens when they do get separated as well. sam turns edgy and desperate. max tears apart time and space just to get to his partner.

but what if a villain tried actually tried to separate them? to really try and make them suffer the one way they know how– creating their worst nightmare in real life.

so, our unnamed villainess because im on the creative thin line right now, uses our psychic ally to tear apart a hole in the fabric of reality and creates chaos throughout all of existence. and, well… you can see what happens.

enter our two main alternate detectives.

throughout the hub-bub of reality being torn apart, our four detectives are mixed up;

our max is stuck with another sam, and our sam is stuck with another max. throughout trying to track down our villain.

you get to jump through different worlds as comedy ensues. you can play as either sam OR max– thats right you can play as the fucking lagomorph psycho.

there are two different roads you can take to track down our villainess, with sam going down the much more clue-filled path where you have to be clever. max, however, goes down the violently-interrogating-everyone path. unsurprising.

sam and max both meet our villainess at around the same time. now since it’s dimension hopping, there’s… obviously gonna be more than one villain. now we’ve already established she isn’t above murdering people.

sam is a calm person. at this point in the game he’s pretty much figured out this max is not his max. he’ll come in and try to arrest her, and by arrest i mean letting max decimate her before turning her in and surprisingly not getting arrested for police brutality. basically the same thing happens with our max as well but much more violently. and, well…

she points the gun at sam. she threatens to kill him in a gruesome fashion. she hates him more than she does max.

here is a picture of what i think their office would look like to break up the chunks of text. this isnt a fucking fanfic. actually it sort of is but fuck it

for our sam, other max is extra.. protective. and trigger happy. so he tries to jump her. and, well, she isn’t dumb. max kind of.. gets shot in the face. yeah. im an angsty angsty motherfucker.

for our max, is almost the same. max gets ready to jump at her, and as she moves to shoot max and max moves to try and rip off as many of her limbs at once, sam moves to cover his little buddy. and, uh, well im predictable.

so… watching their best buddy (or atleast another version of them) getting murdered right in front of your face without being able to do anything about it? that shit messes you up.

villainess would probably make a quip about the situation before disappearing, throwing our sam and max to rot in a timeless void of a pocket dimension. enter cutscene.

now, throwback..! remember new bosco and the smart ass person? smart ass is a smart ass for a reason. bosco is fucking insane and surprisingly his theory on space physics rings true.

they open up a hole for sam and max to jump back in through. they are still separated at this point. now max is trying to track down villainess and try and restore all of space. oh! i should have mentioned. the rupture in dimensional travel and space is kind of destroying everything. anyway, max is now tearing through space in a fucked desoto trying to find the villainess and definitely trying to murder her. sam, being all of max’s moral compass and control, is now (in his mind) dead and he needs revenge. now while sam is tracking him (trying to find his own max! d’aw) they’re doing more bad than good to the fragile lifeforce of space. psychic ally astral projects and tells them both that they’re fuckin up and making a mistake. max tries to shoot her. sam pleas. shes strugglin to even speak with them but she’ll do her best.

badabing badaboom, max drives through a wall and finds villainess’ headquarters. sam quickly catches up and is like !!!! little buddy!!!! boom boom fight or whatever the fuck. heartfelt reunion! people are saved. but how will they fixed the fractured existence of the universe? bang scavenger hunt (im not sorry i fucking love searching for shit in games i dont know why) so that allies can make cool thing and fix universe.

boom. everything fixed. villain is like dead probably. thats my game idea i hope its not dumb

lemme know what yall think. i cant think of any cool name other than “Sam & Max; Freelance Police (The FanGame)”

i desperately want new sam and max content in this day and age.

[iveonlyeverseenliketwoanimes]

UA Sports Festival 2nd and 3rd Year ideas!

I’ve been watching a lot of Youtube videos on people’s predictions for the 2nd/3rd UA Sport festival and, while i have no idea what will actually happen, i think i have a cool idea that fits into what the 1st year festival did so well.

So in the 1st UA sports festival there were the 3 rounds; Obstacle course, Cavalry battle and the 1v1 fights. So i’ll assume that thats just how the festival normally works - Two qualifiers and one 1v1 battle-thingy (i believe we get told something similar in canon).

Some background on my thinking here: One cool thing about BNHA is that we never actually get told who the ‘best’ is - within the school Bakugou, Deku and Todoroki all keep drawing to some degree.

In the swimming match from Season 3 Episode 1 they all get stopped by Aizawa before they can race. 

In the Final exam arc Bakugou gets ‘excited’ about them all getting individual scores so they can compare and see who is the best, but low and behold a wrench gets thrown into that plan when he has to team up with Deku, so the whole scoring process is no longer relevant and they can’t compare results (Even as viewers we can’t tell, Momo helped Todoroki win and Bakugou & Deku kinda both get credit for their win). 

Bakugou and Deku fight at the end of Season 3 and while Bakugou wins Todoroki wasn’t in the fight.

But my favourite example of this premise is within the 1st Festival itself. The obvious ‘we don’t know who the strongest student is’ plot points are with the final 1v1 battles.

Deku gets knocked out pretty quickly after somewhat letting Todoroki win, caring more about saving his friend than beating him up. 

Todoroki has some traumatic flashbacks meaning his fight with Bakugou wasn’t exactly a good representation of their true abilities (Even Bakugou points this out, he wanted Todoroki to fight him with his flames and Todoroki didn’t). 

Other students were also fighting and Iida and Tokoyami technically preformed ‘better’ than Deku, as they got further in the competition 

But what i never really noticed, until i was rewatching the show for the 80th time was that Deku wins the Obstacle race, Todoroki wins the Cavalry battle and Bakugou wins the 1v1 fights, they’re literally all given a win throughout the whole festival, so yet again you can’t tell who the strongest character is. 

As a small side note, 10/10 writing Horikoshi, this is such a cool way to make your 3 main characters all feel as if they’re evenly matched and means Izuku ‘im the greatest hero in the world’ Midoriya doesn’t seem too OP

Anyways, onto the 2nd and 3rd year festivals! My idea is to... Literally just do the same thing... Bakugou won the overall competition year one, Todoroki should win the 2nd year and Deku in the 3rd year. Why that order? Well Bakugou has already won 1st year so... yeah. But i think Deku winning in the 3rd and final year should be his ultimate ‘i am the greatest hero’ moment, and that kinda just leaves Todoroki to win the 2nd year... Maybe it could be somewhat of a conclusion to his Daddy issues arc, he still has issues with his power (as shown when fighting with Inasa), so maybe this can finally put that whole thing to rest and he just fully annihilates everyone? 

Plus i think we can all admit that All Might is gunna be gone soon, the plot keeps hinting at it and after a while he kinda has nothing to do, he can keep teaching Deku but even that will get old as Deku will learn all he needs to learn. Eventually everyones favourite father figure is gunna die, im sorry to say. Hopefully it’s not for a long while, but if it happens right before the 3rd year Sports festival it could be a beautiful moment for Deku to be like ‘i did it All Might!’ and kinda just have a sweet (yet sad) moment of having such a big success without his mentor and this victory would show that Deku is in fact ready to take All Mights place as the new Symbol of Peace.

Obviously there are also all of the side characters and i dont wanna do a whole ‘Momo places 5th, Kirishima places 4th, etc.’ thing, so i’ll just give some vague plot points that could be cool;

I would like to see Momo do really well, after all the confidence issues she deserves a big win, maybe letting her have a Tokoyami rematch and her winning might be cool, as long as it’s a bad-ass fight and not just her winning for the sake of it

Have a decent amount of non-1A characters get into the 1v1 fights, they did okay with this in the 1st year one, but i would have liked to have seen more 1B heroes

Im sure they will have different qualifying rounds in the new festivals but i’d like to see another team game as it makes for fun/unique team ups and also allows multiple people to win a qualifying round (let me see Bakugou, Deku and Todoroki all team up on one team and wreck everyone pls)

Have a winner! I loved that there was an actual winner! No one interrupted the festival and there wasn’t a draw, Bakugou won and, while it wasn’t on his terms, it was an actual win which made it seem like a serious event with consequences!

But yeah! thats my idea for what should happen in the next 2 Sports Festivals! Feel free to add your own ideas on as well, it was fun writing this up and i hope you enjoyed the long read!

[koganeirou]

Ikemen Revolution - Fenrir’s Route

Aaaand here’s one for Fenrir’s route!

My main comments are: FUCK those avatar challenges. It took me five thousand years to finish this damn route because I was stuck grinding for Lin for five thousand years because according to cybird, I can’t get the good ending w ma man unless I look cute smh.

The night that Alice lands in Cradle, she pretty much goes out to the garden to sob her eyes out because of the stress of being killed (oh honey don’t worry this game doesn’t have any bad ends. If you were in a game like Amnesia then I’d start crying LMAO). Fenrir happens to see her and wipes her tears away (*๓´╰╯`๓). He decides to spend the month with Alice to make her have as much fun as possible, and makes her promise that so there will be no regrets, the two will not fall in love.

But we all know that’s not gonna happen.

I guess because the boys finally learned from Lancelot’s route to never send a nameless faceless nobody with Alice, Ray assigns Fenrir as her personal bodyguard. 

Fenrir takes it upon himself to be Alice’s personal tour guide, so they go on a date around the Central Quarter eating all kinds of sweets like a bunch of dorks D’AWW. Of course the red army are full of party poopers who crashes their alone time.

@Red army boys, I LOVE YOU ALL BUT YOUR SOLDIERS NEEDA CHILL. Like my grievances from Lancelot’s route carry over in twofold because the nameless red soldiers are once again, STILL a bunch of blood thirsty hooligans who are clearly letting “may glory flow crimson through our veins” slogan get to their heads WAYY too much. 

(☪̤̆_̆ ☪̤̆) THAT’S SO SPECIFIC LMAO.

But anyhoo I guess having a body guard with actual plot armor was really beneficial because Fenrir drives off all of the Red soldiers! And as it turns out, they were sent by Edgar (but of course why am I not surprised smh).

They return home and a few black army soldiers comes out shitting their pants because apparently there’s a ghost, and when Fenrir hears that HE shits his pants. 

Luka has his priorities straight.

Fenrir pussyfoots outside the army headquarters for a few minutes because GHOST but then big bear Sirius comes out RURL pissed because everyone keeps making a ruckus.

WHY DO I FIND THIS SO FUCKING FUNNY. LIKE IT’S PICTURE PERFECT. I CAN IMAGINE HIM DOING THIS IN MY HEAD FRAME BY FRAME.

So the ghost was actually a magic cult goon creeping around like a lech looking for women's’ underwear, whom Seth covered for. I had zero interest in Seth before but I do find it interesting that more hints about Seth’s connection to the magic cult goons are being dropped, and if anything it makes me want to play his route now.

I’d love to be your friend!!! But unfortunately Fenrir is a giant stick in the mud and won’t let me! But never fear because your route is coming out soon so soon I’ll be more than just your friend LOL!

 Fenrir gets news that some of their soldiers got cornered on the Red Bridge. Well what do you know, turns out the nameless red soldiers are still mad that they busted a nut in anticipation for nothing because they didn’t get to skewer any soldiers in Lancelot’s route, so now they’re taking out their pent up frustration here.

Luka hears the news as well and rushes to the red bridge just in time to see Jonah and the rest of the red soldiers man handling the black army soldiers (wtf Jonah I expected better of you). Luka goes from simmering with rage to boiling with rage and charges at the red soldiers. Obviously the red soldiers don’t care (or... they just can’t comprehend) that Luka is their superior’s freaking brother because all they can think about is reaping the reward for unnecessary stabbing and so they go into Ultimate Shish Kabobing Mode and decide to kill Luka.

Jesus christ... these fucking red soldiers. I am so sorry but I think the only people in this clown of an army that has any shred of honor or self control are the red army love interests LOL.

Anyway Fenrir drags Luka’s delirious bloody corpse back to the black army and the scene ain’t pretty. But it’s okay because we all know that this game doesn’t have the balls to actually kill anyone so it’s not like there’s any need to be worried.

See even Alice acknowledges it lol. This game’s too soft (not that that’s necessarily a bad thing... if I want angst I’ll just read fanfiction ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

Apparently the one who actually made swiss cheese of Luka was Jonah. At first I was just SO CONFUSION?? JONAH WOULD NEVER DO THAT! until this bomb dropped and my only reaction was honestly just “...yikes”.

CRIES @ MY HEART

Jonah sneaks into Black Territory unarmed and Fenrir decides to arrange for him to see Luka like a the great wingbro he is. Alice’s left awkwardly keeping Jonah company but the ice quickly breaks and they end up spending the day talking about Luka ♡(.◜ω◝.)♡.

Fenrir successfully sneaks Jonah into Luka’s room but the two end up just having a screaming match and Luka boots Jonah out of his room. Understandable, considering how all the red soldiers are like little kids that you needa put those backpack straps on because who knows what the fuck they’ll do if left to their own devices.

me whenever I have any kind of guests over.

eat my ass @ Sirius 

When it’s decided that the Black and Red army are gonna go to war for realsies, Alice requests to go onto the battle field with Fenrir so she can repel magic. Sirius freaks out going all like “ojou-chan, you mustn’t! It’s not a walk in the park!!” but Alice ain’t having any of that and essentially tells Sirius to eat her ass. Fenrir being the amazing bro he is sticks up for Alice and asks Ray if he can take her with him, swearing he’ll protect her. Ray’s like sigh fine. This scene was honestly my favourite because I loved how much confidence Fenrir had in Alice and how he respected her desire to help. Unlike a certain someone ੧| ‾́ェ ‾́ |੭ (totally not throwing shade at Sirius LMAO).

CRIES SOME MORE THAT’S SUCH A CUTE NICKNAME.

I could have asked the exact same thing of you Sirius.

The rest of the Black Army can clearly see sparks flying between Fenrir and Alice but unfortunately, Fenrir has to join Sirius in the emotional constipation of “what is this feeling in my chest?! Definitely not love!” Granted Fenrir has an excuse because of the promise he made her, but it’s still frustrating nonetheless.

oh my god can you shut up about this dumbass slogan for one minute. 

Ngl despite the heart warming moment of resolve when Fenrir decides to take Alice into battle, it’s pretty damn hard to take the war seriously because it feels like a bunch of 14 year old teenagers doing a play-war considering of how almost comedic it is. Again, I’m not saying that this game needs to be an angst fest where everyone dies, but for a story about two armies on the brink of war, it does a pretty bad job at building any real tension or showing this war as a source of any real conflict with any real stakes or any real consequences.

I totally *do not* dislike that nickname 👀

We cut back to the red army who are all quite frazzled because they all had that “oh fuck” moment when they realized that they’re getting their asses whooped by the black army.  Lancelot decides to stay his hand, whereas Jonah rages at Edgar’s incompetence but Edgar’s ultimately like “¯\_(ツ)_/¯ King’s orders”.

Alice you’re doing amazing, sweetie.

Alice continues to fight with Fenrir on the front lines but she realizes that she really loves him and she doesn’t want to go home anymore! UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER, our lovely gentleman Fenrir “this feeling in my chest is totally love but I WON’T ADMIT IT!” Godspeed repeatedly dodges her attempts at confessing (¬_¬). GOOD SIR I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING. You’re just trying to put off having a heart to heart about your feelings until the full moon so you can boot Alice back to her world without ever having to talk about it (ლಠ益ಠ)ლ.

Alice tries once again for the nth time to confess her feelings to Fenrir but this time they’re interrupted by the magic cult goons who are hell bent on capturing Alice. This plays out exactly as you’d predict and the two get cornered at a cliff LOL. Alice gets blown off the cliff and Fenrir jumps after her to save her.

This, my friends, is what we call: plot armor.

They miraculously (and conveniently) survive their fall and end up in the castle ruins in the forbidden forest. I guess being lost in an abandoned forest with a totally not haunted castle next to them sets the mood for sexy time because they end up making out like their life depends on it. Conveniently, without actually saying they love each other ლ(ಠ_ಠლ). 

GUYS... THE DRIVER IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE.... GUYS....

They make it back to Black Territory in one piece with the help of Loki and Harr and Ray loses his shit because he thought they died T T T.  Fenrir is sent back to the front lines and Alice is totally ready to go back and kick some ass but I guess all the fire and confidence in this power couple completely deflated because Fenrir becomes Sirius 2.0 and refuses to take Alice SMH. 

Alice finds Fenrir boarding a carriage to leave, and she stops him and tries to tell him that she loves him. Fenrir responds by pulling Alice into the carriage with him and at this point I was HYPED because “is he actually gonna take her with him?!?!” but my hopes are quickly dashed when he shoves her into the carriage, initiates round 2 of INTENSE MAKE OUT SESSION LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT..... then throws Alice’s sad ass back out of the carriage and leaves her behind once he’s finished (┛ಠДಠ)┛彡┻━┻.

UGH! FENRIR! JUST--- AGHHHHHHH. 

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN. Like yea sex is great, but have you ever heard of proper verbal communication??

(I also find it funny how the driver was just sitting there the entire time they were making out doing a big boi sweat).

me with group assignments in school.

Fenrir comes back on the night of the full moon and Alice for the 100TH DAMN TIME IN THIS ROUTE, tries to tell him that she doesn’t want to go home, but Fenrir, again, dashes her hopes and tells her she has to go back he won’t be able to protect her all the time. Which we all know is bullshit, but nevertheless Alice decides to listen to him. 

Ha ha ha you are so full of shit.

And so Alice once again goes to the gates of hell garden portal which I officially dub as “The Hole Where Bad Things Happen” or more accurately, “The Hole That No Player Ever Wants To See”. 

Anyhoo Alice leaps back home and spends about a month moping in London until one day a black army soldier comes to London and begs Alice to go back with him because Fenrir’s in danger! Alice, having literally zero self preservation because I guess her time on the battle field taught her jack shit, blindly follows this fellow back to Cradle and the moment she arrives, the guy reveals himself to be a magic cult goon and so she’s kidnapped and taken to Amon’s sex dungeon.

Look. I’m not gonna accuse Alice of “dumb mc syndrome” and I don’t necessarily blame her for falling for it but at the same time, COME ON. THIS IS THE DUMBEST PLOT POINT EVER. Of all the possible reasons she comes back to Cradle, THIS IS THE ONLY THING THEY COULD THINK OF? What makes it so aggravating is that it’s stated multiple times that any person from Reason can repel magic, so if that’s the case, the cult goons could have just kidnapped any random off the street instead of wasting time and energy looking for Alice. And if they could conveniently stroll into the land of Reason, why didn’t they do that ages ago?!

You know that writing rule “make your villains smarter, not your protagonists dumber”, or something like that? Well in this case, everyone is dumb!

Anyway during the month Alice was gone, Lancelot finally decides to stop going radio silent and consults the Black Army about Amon and his weed stash. This felt really convenient and almost inconsistent with Lancelot’s character because in the other routes he was hell bent on not talking unless 100% cornered, but in Fenrir’s route he spills the beans like it’s no big deal. 

Fenrir hears the news of Alice being kidnapped by Amon and the Black army pretty much storms into the Magic Tower and fishes Alice out. Amon finally reveals himself but honestly he doesn’t put up much of a fight because Fenrir shoots him with one of those hiccuping guns and that’s enough to deflate all of Amon’s fighting spirit lmao so he gets arrested in the end. Talk about anti climatic as hell. This entire thing just felt really stupid because if all they had to do with storm the damn tower, they should have done so ages ago.

Admittedly I do like the resolution to this whole fiasco. Fenrir is totally ready to get down and dirty, but before that Fenrir and Alice actually, finally, and at long last, properly talk about their feelings and sort out their relationship mess. 

Dramatic End:

Alice officially joins the Black Army, and they hold her enrollment ceremony. Hosting it is usually Ray’s job since he’s king but since Alice is his best friend’s babe, he decides to let Fenrir take over. Unfortunately, Fenrir can’t keep his excitement in check and ends up picking Alice up and spinning her around in joy ╭(๑ ॔ㅂ ਂ ॓)و ̑̑. THIS WAS SO CUTE I LOVE THIS ENDING.

-----

Honestly I have a lot of mixed feelings about this route. There’s the good, the bad, and the ugly, but since I don’t wanna end this post on a salty note so I’ll just start with the ugly and work my way up.

The Ugly: The route starts losing momentum their promise of not falling in love morphs into the source for Fenrir’s self cockblock fest for the rest of the route and him repeatedly rebuffing Alice’s attempts to tell him she wants to stay in Cradle became unbearable frustrating. Playing Sakuya’s route in Norn9 alongside Fenrir’s route did not help at all because his route also had a “promise of not falling in love” premise and had the exact same problems as Fenrir’s route so honestly my frustration was just doubled at this point.

The Bad: The plot is balls off the rail in the second half if it isn’t obvious enough from my complaints earlier. The Hole That No Player Ever Wants to See making a reappearance in Fenrir’s route kills a lot of the build up between Alice and Fenrir and there was honestly no point of having Alice go back to London. The circumstances that lead her to returning were so stupid it had me head banging against the wall.

The Good: I think Fenrir and Alice have a very strong “friends to lovers” romance going on and it was honestly really sweet and wholesome. I loved how their friendship and subsequent romance builds them both up and makes them better people-- they’re both stronger together, they’re equals, they’re partners. You really get a sense of camaraderie between the two and their relationship is founded on mutual respect, understanding, trust, and confidence in each other which I’m 100% on board with. Fenrir taking Alice onto the battle field with him is a testament of the rock solid trust between them. They have a very strong partner in crime vibe that I love! 

I adore how Fenrir refers to Alice as his “best friend” or his “best buddy” and it was just so cute, it made my heart swell because I’m a firm believer that your s/o SHOULD be your best friend.

Overall imo, Fenrir’s route is about on par with Lancelot’s, though it has higher highs and lower lows than Lancelot’s route did.

Anyway, I’m making my way through Edgar’s route currently (♥ω♥*).

[eleart2019]

A wedding invitation

Vampires....

While a new chapter opened, an old one was about to be closed. The parlour was squalid to say the least, in its artificial gothic pomposity; a fact that seemed to escape her. But then, she liked the grit, squalor of the low lives, the perdition of their bodies and souls, as lost as hers, she thrived in the decadence of the flesh and spirit. It had not always been so, yet those times were far, she was well aware of that. Once, she had been a creature of the sun…then it had all been imposed on her, the inevitable change and chemistry that made her vampire. She had wanted it…no, what she had wanted was Julian’s love. Desperately so. She had been struck, hit, devoured by his will and want, and all had been lost. Better not dwell on the mechanics, they escaped her anyway…

From the adjoining room, through a screen, she spied the guests coming in: there was her mother, Faye, who had aged, badly. Her beautiful face was sagged, her body a bit curved: Sarah could almost discern what were the lines sorrow and loss caused. She watched attentively the human woman who had given birth to her, her slow movements, her resignation to old age and a life ordinary. Yes, resigned, that’s what she was, resigned. Her two sisters and their children, all in their late twenties now. What beautiful youths they had become! What energy, what life force! She could almost see herself in the girl, actually, there was something of auntie Sarah in Jenny: she wasn’t surprised, if she had been like that, of Julian’s choice. She could almost eat Jenny herself.

Then her brother, Syd, who had been only eighteen when she vanished in thin air, or so they thought. She had not vanished…she had morphed. She had vanished from their lives, that is true. She wondered, would they be shocked, horrified, if they could see her life as a film? The kill, the hunting, the blood, the thirst…the darkness.

She could also hear some of their conversations, and the puzzlement of finding themselves in a ‘wedding shop’, these quick Las Vegas churches, in the whore’s part of town: this one sporting dark tones, coffins-fake- and red drapes, in theme with a gothic wedding, between two vampires, although the latter was not common knowledge.

“I hope this is not a joke” she heard Syd whisper into their sister’s ear- Amelie- and look at his mum, who was bent in emotional agony- yet accepting of anything that may come. She had been beaten a long time before, there was no game to lose or win. Finding Sarah, alive, might be a beautiful end to a somehow very ordinary existence. Her dreams, dead long ago. Death, coming, not next year, or the next, but soon. With that, release: that she hope for, every Sunday, at the local church, listening to the pastor talk about eternal life and salvation…release.

But what about eternal death, had she considered that? Was it true, or was it a joke, a really bad joke? The writing on the letter did, indeed, belong to Sarah. Her tone had seemed sincere, she was alive-that was a blatant lie, Sarah reasoned, but she could only speak their language-and wanted to invite them to her impending wedding, where they would all be reunited. Fair enough…but after 25 years? The letter had, of course, caused happiness and great outrage.

Faye, Sarah noticed, clutched something in her hands…Julian’s father, Jim, entered the room, not disguising a sense of almost revulsion at the sight of the tacky gothic décor.

“I’d expect Count Dracula to come out at any moment” he said, sarcastically to a youth at his side. “If his mother could see this, she would die again” he then added.

The youth didn’t respond, quite, he winced, uncomfortably so.

“Typical Julian, what an arsehole he can be sometimes” Jim muttered to himself, before realising that Faye and her family was also there.

Oh, yes, Count Dracula! She had heard of him indeed. Jim didn’t know how near his predictions were to the truth! It was almost dark outside…time for the vampires to come out of hiding?

“Why do you do this?” Julian whispered, gently in Sarah’s ear, joining her as she watched the screen, watched the people. It wasn’t a real question…there was almost something ironic in his asking.

“We need, Julian, a vampire family. We have always been family people, you and I, if I recall” she smiled, her fangs shining in the semidarkness, for some very strange effect of the light. “Family, you can always rely upon”

She turned, very quickly, standing: Julian and Sarah were face to face, their bodies almost touching, their lips equally so. An energy, a frisson, run through their bodies and beings, and a promise of ‘later’ in their eyes…the guest had all arrived. Show must begin…she looked at the nearby control panel, and remembered what the man on duty, now a corpse in the nearby chair, had explained. His helper, a girl who was already showing signs of ageing, also lay in the room, nearby. Sarah had arranged her in a sleeping position, on the sofa by the door. She had placed a fake flower between her hands, which were smeared in blood, like her neck and face, the eyes wide open…you could still read terror in there. Lovely.

“Sleeping beauty” she whispered, aimed at the girl, passing by the door. Good that she had good memory, with the keyboard.

She put some music on…the sound was eerie, distant, and the guests, in spite of their emotions and scepticism, could not but focus their attention on things to happen.

Julian let her run this show…weddings, were after all, a favourite with women. A girl’s best day: was Sarah any exception? Obviously not! She looked as excited as a kid! Why deprive her of such joy. He knew who she was…

The vampires entered the room, and locked the door behind them. The wedding room was effectively sealed, with no escape if one needed to. That was cause of excitement and worry, it’s funny how the two emotions do mix so well, overlapping almost. Of course, they didn’t imagine a thing, they could have not known in a million years what was to happen shortly. A good family wedding.

Julian and Sarah walked forward, finally appearing from the semidarkness, almost blending in it, through their dark clothes. Their pallor was remarkable though, especially in the dim light.

The people gasped: the room was alive with tormented emotions, joy, sorrow, surprise, disgust…love. They were here because they loved Julian and Sarah. They would be rewarded for that. Jim stood up, anger being the emotion that possessed him, chiefly; the others clustered around Faye, worried what Sarah’s sight might do to her weak heart; the younger members of the party’s main focus was curiosity. To them, aunt Sarah was a somehow mythical figure, a sort of saint who had vanished, probably killed or kidnapped, a virginal figure who had, most likely, met a most horrific and horrible death, in family mythology. The solution of the mystery was near. This was a such a peculiar and weird situation.

Jim was really pissed off. The past few months had been horrific, he knew Julian was alive, he was just an ass. Leaving the force like that! After this flousie! No matter what they thought, Saint Sarah was a bitch in his book. Disappearing my ass, the bitch had run away with somebody else, of that he had always been convinced. All these thoughts were running in Jim’s head as the happy couple made their entrance. Again, Sarah, in registering, noticed how near Jim was to the truth. The man must have some hidden and undeveloped intuitive ability, pity people didn’t take him too seriously. Pity, really.

“She’s dressed for a funeral!” Amelie’s daughter, Bella, whispered into her brother’s ear…her eyes, if anything, betrayed fascination. Not so Jim’s, who by them was positively fuming, but stayed seated, reserving his rage for later…no time like the present, Jim.

Amelie and Cora, at each at Faye’s side, held her, one her hand, the other her arm: the old frail woman was seated speechless, looking at her lost daughter, who was slowly emerging from behind the altar, all dressed in black, a long gothic skirt and a corset; a tall man next to her…Julian.

“The wanker” Jim thought. ”Wait until this little show finishes”

“Yes Jim. Wait until it ends” Sarah answered mentally, and funny enough, Jim looked at her. But he couldn’t have heard her words, she was aware of this, he had felt her intention and energy over him though…oh what a waste. This man was gifted, and he didn’t know it.

They walked up front, stopping right I front of Faye: the whole group was clutched together around her, some puzzled, some fascinated, none of them bored. Some angry.

Until then, none of them had reacted, had shown any visible or extreme emotion: Julian by her side, Sarah stood in front of her human mother, in all her feral beauty, concealing nothing, showing even less.

It was when it hit them. She looked young, far too young. Her face, her body, had not undergone the grinding of time. She had not grown old, or any different…well, she was different. All of this was different, but her? Her body? This woman was the woman they had seen twenty five years before, the last time, that afternoon, when she had come to say goodbye. She was only going for a short trip, work related: yet she had hugged her mother, and she had told her how much she loved her. Then nothing, for twenty five long years.

Faye, the matriarch, who had spent her life being something she wasn’t to everybody else, sat silent, cold, motionless, hit by the sight of Sarah. Unease, a sense that something was badly out of sort came over the room, slowly, as they all looked at her. There was a woman who was supposedly in her fifties, and who looked like a twenty year old. Not her eyes though: albeit perfect, her body and face betrayed a poise, and age, that was not that of youth. The vampire stood in front of her birth mother, savouring every emotion, every random thought that came from this little group of human, as ignorant in paranormal matters as one can be.

Isn’t a girl’s wedding day the one where the best memories are made?

The vampire savoured her power, slowly sensed their life force, read them like books, and chose, mentally, which ones to take first.

Faye didn’t speak for a long time, no-one did. There was a ghastly silence in the room. Jim was eyeing Julian, hating him for this. He didn’t think much of the trollop either.

Finally, slowly, having looked hard and long at Sarah, Faye whispered something.

“This is not my daughter” and she joined her hands, in prayer, and closed her eyes and started to cry, silently.

“Oh, I am…but I know what you mean” Sarah spoke, smiling. Her fangs were showing.

Syd then intervened.

“What kind of sick joke is this? Who are you?”

Faye gestured to be quiet, the others were all petrified by the presence of the two vampires. The room had become very cold.

“It’s Sarah, Syd, it is…yet she is not. I cannot find in this person the soul that animated her. How she may look so youthful, I don’t know, but it is maybe in the realm of possibilities; I cannot feel her heart, the heart of the daughter I knew, in her. It’s her, and it isn’t.”

These were very wise words the human mother had pronounced.

“Do you wish to go, mother?” asked Sarah, bending over, so that the old woman could see her face, properly.

“Stay away from me, devil! You are soiled, you are soiled! Oh, I wish this moment had never come. I can see you, and I don’t like what I see!” Faye screamed, with a strength that was somehow unusual for her. They were all taken aback.

They had expected, if anything, the frail lady to brake in tears, to be weakened and overcome with happiness at the sight of her lost daughter, even in a setting like this; sure, it was all so weird.

Sarah looked at her display with curiosity, as if studying it actually.

Faye calmed down, eventually, and they all started to stand up, not really knowing what to do, where to go: should they leave, should they stay, what was this all about?

“Please stay seated” said Julian, finally emerging from the back, not only a shadow or a presence, now a participant.

Jim, who was still wearing then goggles of anger, couldn’t help notice how Julian’s appearance had improved.

“Don’t you think you owe us some explanation, you son of a bitch?” he almost shouted, while the others were busy both fussing around Faye and regaining their previous seating positions. “How could you put us through this? Not a word since you evaporated in thin air a few months ago! And whose this trollop you are with, son? Because she isn’t your old fiancée, is she?”

Julian stayed calm. The room was silent again. They were fearful, they were. The two vampires didn’t care to disguise their true feelings and faces, while eyeing the humans, their movements and thoughts.

“Explanations, later. All in time. Family is forever, dad, I am afraid blood can be more binding than water…”

The eerie music kept playing, in the semidarkness, as a deadly silence had fallen into the room.

“We don’t have much time”

“There is more than enough”

“This needs to be done now”

The best intentions, sadly go sometimes astray. There was no-one to perform the ceremony, as there was no ceremony to be performed.

“I want out, take me out of here” screamed Faye, her breath missing, in a last attempt to release herself. Amelie and Syd stood up, and started carrying her out: the woman looked deadly pale.

“She has suffered a heart attack!” Amelie shouted, desperate. Faye’s pulse was weak, her life slipping out of her. They reached the entrance door: it was locked.

“Unlock the door! Unlock! What’s going on here?”

Jim, his nephew and Syd got to the door and started pushing it violently, in an attempt to brake free.

Sarah remained unmoved, in the commotion. So, they didn’t want to play, did they? The human mother was dying, she could sense her life slip away. That life, albeit soul less, could have been eternal; but the woman was stubborn.

Suit yourself.

Sarah smirked. The two youths were somehow unsettled, like all the others…oh, their lovely life force. She could sense their life pulsating through their veins, full of warm succulent blood, ah…snap out of it.

She approached the girl, silently from behind, forgetting for a minute the dying woman, her human mother…I could have given you eternal life. Did she know, how did she know? There was no time for this. Silently, she was now behind her niece, the beautiful young body and hair and her scent! It was amazing. Sarah was hungry. From behind, she studied the curvature of the girl’s neck, her body. She bit her lips, her tongue flicking between her teeth, savouring the pray, the kill…the life she was going to give her niece. Family.

Suddenly a bang, the door was open, all of them gushing out of the wedding parlour, out of that horrid farce…the girl was out too, all the group, all around Faye, who lay motionless in the arms of her daughters, the other daughters, Syd on a cell phone, to try and call an ambulance.

Julian and Sarah, motionless and emotionless, stood watching this like a film.

Jim was the last to flee the room.

“You bastard, we need to have a word you and I! Did I raise you to behave like this? Are you a man or a rat? I’m disgusted!”

Jim obviously expected a response of some kind, anger, shouts, anything that would have engaged in a discussion, a communication. Jim wasn’t a bad man, Jim wanted really to understand…Jim loved his son.

“Maybe some things are better unsaid. We have said our goodbyes anyway” Julian responded, very quietly.

“You goodbyes?! That was you way of saying good bye? You have given the poor woman a heart attack for fuck’s sake! You are out of your mind or what?”

Sarah held Julian’s arm, bent her head and rested it on his shoulders.

“She was going to die anyway” she whispered. Then smiled. A chilling, long, joyless smile that froze Jim, even Jim, there on the spot.

“Something is definitely not right” he thought, and retreated.

“This doesn’t end here, young man” he said to Julian finally. Come see me at home and we’ll talk. I’ll be expecting you young man” he closed the discussion, Jim style. But he wasn’t expecting him. He was uncertain, he didn’t even know if he wanted to see them again…a chill run down his spine, for no conscious reason. It was perhaps the picture they made, the two of them together…something was so wrong.

He went out.

“He’s right” said Sarah “This doesn’t end here. As always he’s right.”

She embraced Julian and kissed his lips, exploring his teeth and mouth. Her mouth tasted of blood.

The eerie music kept filling the now empty room, with its nocturnal gothic tones, a decadent gothic rhapsody.

“Nox Eterna” said Julian, holding his bride. A feeling of accomplishment, which could have been described like happiness, had they been human, took hold of the two vampires. Sirens of police cars approaching could be heard in the distance: hand in hand, they took leave, having said their goodbyes, and disappeared into the night, at the gentle sound of the music.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta United Kingdom to Eurovision with a blatantly non-blatant Melodifestivalen reject

Yes, obviously, Eurovision: You Decide might as well be the safest NF to ever exist. We get that you don’t want to even try, the UK, but can you please act like you’re not in Big 5 for a year and ATTEMPT to try your hardest with the song??? I doubt that, despite SuRie’s bubbliness, “Storm” would’ve pulled numbers if it were in semi, unless the anti-neo-Nazi stage invader were to butt-in there and people would then send sympathy televotes the Brits’ way or something. Unsatisfying. (The man, that is.)

And so we have gotten another safe as ever British entry this year, performed by an excited personality that got a side-dish song and now is tasked to sell the side-dish as greatly as he’s possibly able to - the first season of All Together Now winner, Michael Rice! The dish is “Bigger than Us” and I’m neither glad nor sad the song has not enough factor to eat up Michael as a whole if it’s that much BIGGER. Not even the fact that it’s a Melodifestivalen reject (yes, the title IS correct, one of the song’s co-writers, whom I’ll name later, has possibly said it at some point, and he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore so he sent it over to another country!) could help this poor number out.

If you strip the singer off, you just get a stereotypical Eurovision-y ballad you overhear when scavenging through foreign NF catalogues, wondering which kind of rent-a-songwriter-program person contributed to it. Well John Lundvik (yes THAT one) doesn’t sound like THAT kind of name you’d hear when you think of songwriters of such shtick but Laurell Barker is, so there you go. These are just the two masterminds behind this one, as there are more but icr their names and honestly idc to.

And there’s nothing wrong about these typical ESC NF shlocks. Only when you’re young and dumb enough to enjoy these kind of songs, but I had to unfortunately grow up and see just how “useful” they are... n’t. I mean, it’s great for the artists whose big dream is to taste Eurovision and NOT as a backing singer, but most of the time the singers that get these songs can’t even slightly relate to what they sing, and thus we get people like Bishara entering Melodifestivalen and Isaiah entering Eurovision.

Maybe Michael did get to experience the kind of love that’s BIGGER than him and his partner, idk. I certainly don't want to bother asking him. And frankly, it's only me overthinking this issue, because ain't nobody in the world really got time for that, definitely. Well, at least the relationship’s going on nice! (except for when Mike sings “‘cause I can heare the universe when I’m feeling you breathe”... spooky. o.I)

Anyway, time to get to talk more about the song. It's actually not THAT bad, just a little too typical and unextraordinary, where in the current times the Eurovision has to not be predictable in sound and to excite the viewer with... well, anything that can excite anyone. Be it the visuals OR the song. OR both. What's so special about "Bigger than Us" that can keep the viewer on toes? Probably just that keychange. I wish there were more things about it but not every commentator out there would have enough time to let them people know Michael works in a waffle shop, let alone the time that "HE WON A TALENT SHOW'S FIRST SEASON BUT THE SHOW ISN'T THE X FACTOR OR THE VOICE ZOMFG!!". Let alone people even listen to any Eurovision commenting these days, lol. It might be a charming little piece for some people though, but I don't see them voting for people selling their songs vocally much more than songs that draw in viewers with different ways. It's just a standart talent show winner song for a standart talent show winner that sounds like it's slightly too stuck in the mid-to-late-00s-early-10s rather than the 90s, which is warm and cool and all, but it's likely gonna not do the cool lad Michael the justice he'd need, just like SuRie's song for SuRie. Mayhaps a top 20-ish, or, in Lucie's case, even a top 15, is possible (although it's mostly thanks to the juries - they're the only ones eating up big voice ballads. And anything Maltese. And anything Australian. And anything Swedish... that only represents Sweden. Sorry Lukas Meijer), but when the British optimism levels are set in a deep deep ditch by default every year when the BBC comes with their platter of choices for EYD, what else could be there to raise them up after even Lucie hasn't done that amazing enough for everyone to believe that the UK are capable more than just always finishing last with 0 every year? Of course, a better than average song, but does BBC care about even pulling one out of a songwriting camp? These kind of songs are too shite for their taste, apparently, so with songs they send like these, it's probably yet another meander-er.

Which is a shame, because once again, it's not bad. It's just too plain Jane for Eurovision anymore. It's like everyone dressed up gorgeously for Miss Universe's National Costume event and you went with a cheap-ish designer dress that is decorated by small details that are notoriously known as the country's symbols just to count as something "national". It's like everyone brough their best baked (and dare I say extreme) dish to a dish competition and you only brought in a nice looking baked cod and circled the fries around it. It's like a prom night where everyone dresses casually and you come up all in a dull olive colored jacket and jeans with torn out knees. There might be something hidden in its niceness that can conquer (nice piano, nice chords, nice vocals, nice chorus, nice song formula, nice choir, nice keychange, nice message)... but with everything too nice, it just feels like that the UK are not feeling like getting a 'nice' result. Unless there's something that can make Michael do a 'male Lucie' and launch it around the 14th-19th place at best, but...

And here's the section where I repeat myself some more of what I think of the song as a whole and chances as a whole:

Approval factor: Eh I'll probably have to approve this but only reluctantly somewhat, maybe because I felt positive on the first listen unlike these people who wanted UK to dare to do something else than safe... yeah lol

Follow-up factor: It’s rather marginably favourable song than SuRie’s and only because I like it despite its ‘blandness’. “Storm” is just a song that I don’t really care about. Provided Michael gives all out personality-wise though and the revamp’s not gonna suck balls (if there’s one), this is a decent step in a decent direction for the UK... hope Michael’s not getting stage-invaded by anti-Israel people!

Big 5 factor: Thanks to all this pre-partying kicking in heavily as I put out these reviews (and actually having finished), it turns out that Michael is one of those people that clearly works his hardest to sell this typical British averageness (like he sells his waffles), with his live being so decent enough he was thought of to be a perfect EYD winner this year, so, if he keeps building up his vocal strenghts and rehearses a lot (and stays well and such), he’s actually likely to at least achieve something above bottom 7! Yes, yes, John Lundvik is still the master that will beat his pupil in the end, but that wouldn’t seem that excruciating for the UK anymore if they happen to have a place that’s not bottom 3 or anything. Just for the Michael to do his utmost best out there, and if he does, the UK won’t be in an extremely bad position this year - just not a very high reacher, because at the end of the day there are more nations that run straight with their A-game and therefore continue leaving the common-appealers in the dust. Only Sweden (and Australia until 2018 or so) usually excels at their safeness. The others must outstand to survive. And to wrap things up on this factor section, imo the UK just meanders in the safeness for another year - but at least the good enough safeness that might even be able to qualify if it were sent by a semifinalist country! (apart Sweden ffs, of course Mr. Lundvik would qualify with this one if he kept it to himself, jeez)

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

Thankfully EYD didn’t really stink this year, because of certain key factors:

• There’s always this one or two act(s) that acts like a saviour each year. Bianca and Dulcima (or Darline idk) from 2016, Holly and Salena from 2017, Asanda (and maybe Jaz? or even Raya??) from 2018 and... ponder no more, Kerrie-Anne’s got you covered in that spot! Her version of the two one’s of “Sweet Lies” was arguably the greatest possible choice for the NF (or, in this case, the “very least bad”, and eventhough it’s incredibly reminiscent of Sigala’s “Sweet Lovin’” (vocals provided by Bryn Christopher, who - controversial opinion - is probably my fave male singer of all time), which makes it “dated” (to a 2012-2014 pop radio degree, yes), it still was a bop that I’d want to dance to in rollerskates (if I had any!!) and spray the colourful smoke things that... well idk what it is but the said video of “Sweet Lovin’” demonstrates the action. Get back to me to let me know what’s that, anyone reading this. K-A lowkey underperformed though (just like Asanda from last year) but the bop remained AND she was rightfully included in the British televote’s superfinal trio! ^^

• The hosts were, yet again, the ever-so-loveable comedienne of Lithuanian roots, Mel Giedroyc, and the witty-ass Eurovision 2015 winner Måns Zelmerlöw. The duo is charming as usual and delightful to see on the Beebs when there’s the Eurovision case. If I didn’t know him better I’d even say Måns is a native English speaker. When there’s at least the drought of the ever-so-good entries in an EYD, we can look back at the hosts provided us some entertainment we’ve probably been missing while trying to find some on those competing entries. My favourite moment throughout that evening was the “next up is” jokes, all randomly stringed together, all in one row - all of those “next ups” were so hilariously random (until one hit the point - I think it was something about adverts or another performance being next up).

• The postcards were lovely too. With the format of EYD upgraded to make it as a three-song duel between two different versions of each one and the juries deciding on the best one for each (one vote per version), we got to see some nice friendships over there (I mean, a postcard for two people who did duel over whose version is the best - they had to listen and compliment each others’ versions) and some nice things the artists said themselves on separate postcards. Like the time when the only band of the competition of the year’s, MAID, named Buranovskiye Babushki as one of their girlband idols (a ‘so random yet glorious‘ answer) and the victorious Michael confessing that he’s “never been to Tel(iv) Aviv”... that’s true Michael, I believe ya. You’ve so never been there that ou struggle to even say it right! Not to mention that the postcard setups were cozy, too.

• Can we all just kind of agree that at least the jury for EYD made THE BEST CHOICES POSSIBLE??? I mean, yeah, it’s a biT cruel they’re the ones to choose the superfinalists without the audience’s interference, but they still made the best choices possible, at least imo. Anisa’s “Sweet Lies” was a godawfully dreary sex slow-jam (no really, I can’t not imagine a scenario where you can’t use it anywhere other than a sex scene in a movie, or a steamy hot shower scene. Call me crazy-minded but it’s true), MAID’s “Freaks” was godawfully too creepy, strange and unbearable, and Holly Tandy’s “Bigger than Us”... well... while much more chill and way less overbearing (also with not enough “BIGGER” memes potential), it would have probably not stood out all that much - just written off as a Kygo remix rented for a cheap price of half a pound (but still co-written by John Lundvik though!!). So thanks to Rylan and the other two for picking the superfinalists reasonably, unlike A Dal jurors this year. It still wrenches my gut whenever I think about it, ugh.

• What even would be an appearance of Måns if he didn't try to remind y'all of his enthusiasm for Eurovision. No one really cares he won Eurovision 4 years ago, if anything, I dread that he's only being remembered as the "male singer guy of Love Love Peace Peace song" by the newer fans. At least Pepperidge Farm I remember how Måns really wanted to get to Eurovision (even if he didn't participate in that many Melodifestivalen editions). So in this year's EYD he went all out to be a part of the Eurovision best (British?) songs medley (and we got Katrina and the Waves later in the show, performing the nation's last winning hit, 22 years later... and that wasn't even a fully British-branded win, if yanno what I mean!), and it's all courtesy of the Melodifestivalen's best known scriptwriter and an occasional Eurovision commentator (and Melodifestivalen's narrator too), Edward af Sillén. Or at least I remember it being written that he has written some stuff for Måns to do in EYD, IDK. Eitherway, it was kind of a fun thing, the interlude. Just remembering all the nice Eurovision entries out there, even including Gina G (whose ESC entry was also sung by another person in another NF whose review will be up next I suppose!).

• Heyyyyy, wasn’t it all kinds of nice to see SuRie doing an interval act and a reprise of her own run-of-the-mill entry “Storm”? I applaud her of doing a tremendous piano rendition of it, with even singing some notes a little higher than in the actual song. Maybe THAT version could have done so much better in Lisbon - showing off SuRie’s vocal decency, intimacy and... idk about the intruder part, hopefully he’d have had no way to wrestle the mic out of SuRie’s hands that time. At least SuRie had just enough support from Eurofans to be wanted to represent the UK one more year in a row, with a special EYD designed for her, where the songs could be mostly composed by her and not by the useless songwriting camp. While it’s a nice idea for some British and non-British people to get to know each other on these camps, the end results barely end up satisfying because the artists barely get involved in the songs they’re singing - not even a song line, not even a hum of contribution! Why can’t you at least take examples from German songwriting camps... (except for the time “Sister” was invented, that one could have been a perfect contribution for an EYD (not necessarily in this year’s format but still)

All in all, this may seem like an improvement of things, but I still am really hoping that BBC will give into a decent internal selection... afterall there are good names that are down to do Eurovision and didn’t even say it will harm their ‘reputation’ (*cough* Paloma Faith *cough* Hurts), and yet BBC refuses them somehow, not thinking that Eurovision is more than just a SONG contest (while ironically not even having their songs sounding THAT ‘great’, oops)? Or at least reformat EYD big time and make it exciting a la Australia Decides is (you know you suck when even your colony does better NFs than you). For now, I’ll just grit my teeth and nicely wish Michael Rice all the best in Tel(iv) Aviv. You’ll need it, chap! And in secret I hope that you’ll get it xx

[calebswitching]

Fun with floggers - April 1

Summary: Eric and Caleb have some fun with impact play, also featuring orgasms and aftercare.

@ericxanders

There was no getting around the fact that Caleb looked incredible on his knees, arguably moreso because he’d instructed him to strip first. ‘Good boy.’ He praised, walking a slow circle around him and brushing his fingers over his shoulders. ‘We’ve already discussed the fact that we’re going to explore impact play today; and I know you enjoy a flogger so I have one of those to hand. You can use your safeword any time Caleb, and we’ll stop immediately yeah?’ He reminded him just because this was one of the first scenes they’d done together. ‘I want you to take whatever time you need to clear your mind, tell me your limits and your safeword once more and then I’d like you to position yourself just over the bench for now.’ He directed, giving his hair a light tug.

Caleb shivered at the touch, but he kept still, kneeling with his back straight and his head bowed just slightly, his eyes on the floor in front of him.  He was looking forward to this, but he was nervous, too.  He was always nervous before scenes, lately, because he couldn’t quite predict what the expectations for him would be.  “Yes, Sir,” he said softly, without looking up.  He was grateful that Eric was being so clear with his instructions.  It helped him relax.  He took a slow breath before he spoke.  “My hard limits are blood play, age play, and bathroom play, Sir.  And my safeword is red.”  He paused for a moment, in case Eric wanted to give him another instruction, then got up and moved over to the bench where he arranged himself comfortably.

It was another sight he’d never be bored of. Impact and pain play had been a favourite thing of his to explore for as long as he’d been exploring kink; and it never failed to excite him to see a submissive so willingly present themselves, to trust him enough that he had permission to hurt them. ‘You don’t have to be quiet gorgeous.’ He explained, as he stroked his hand over the curve of his ass. ‘I want to hear you. Any noise you feel like making is good but specifically, I want to hear you counting every strike and thanking me after every ten.’ He explained, and waited for verbal confirmation that Caleb understood before he brought his hand back and struck across both cheeks firmly.

Goosebumps formed on Caleb’s skin as Eric ran his hand over it.  “Yes, Sir,” he answered, his voice still subdued.  Being free to make any noise he wanted wasn’t something he was used to.  His ex had usually wanted him quiet, and had often gagged him.  He was glad that Eric hadn’t used one, though, since Caleb wasn’t a fan of gags, usually.  Caleb was happy he didn’t have to stay quiet, though.  It meant he could react without policing himself so much.  The first strike stung, but Caleb had been expecting it, so he didn’t flinch or move.  “One, Sir.”

It was a like a game for him, truth be told and the object of the game was to make Caleb writhed and moan. He struck him again in the same spot a further three times in quick succession before he started to vary where he hit. His goal was to warm him up for taking harder implements, and he moved his hand across his ass ensuring an even colour of red started to form. Nine and ten, he landed directly against his sit spot and he only increased the strength behind each smack as he continued. ‘You’re turning such a pretty colour of red.’ He teased, giving his ass a squeeze with both hands.

Multiple strikes in the same spot stung quite a bit, but for the most part, this just felt nice to Caleb. The sting quickly faded to a warmth that spread into him. It was calming, too. He didn't have to do anything or worry about anything but keeping relatively still and counting. He didn't make much noise aside from the numbers, yet. “Ten, thank you, Sir,” he said when the last hit landed. He smiled a little and wiggled his bottom in Eric's hands.

‘You’re enjoying this aren’t you?’ He asked rhetorically, the tease evident in his tone. The way Caleb wriggled his ass in his grip told him as much and there was something almost adorable about it. He picked up a rubber paddle next; another favourite toy of his because it brought a much more intense sting and prompted both a more vivid stain of red to the skin and louder vocals. He advised him he was switching from his hand to a paddle but didn’t give away more than that. He allowed the toy to rest momentarily against his ass before he brought it back and gave a sharp slap. The sound of rubber striking his skin was incredibly satisfying, and it sent blood rushing south, particularly as he watched the red deepen with every strike he gave.

“Yes, Sir,” Caleb answered with a grin. Of course he was enjoying it, all the attention and sensation and knowing he was being good. He nodded when Eric said he was switching to a paddle. Caleb liked most paddles. They were harsher, but it just meant that the pain and the warmth from it spread deeper into him, and the somewhat more intense pain was all the more arousing. He counted dutifully as Eric continued, still with no trouble keeping still, no labored breathing. The only sign that this was more intense, aside from the color of his ass, was that he had started to rock into the bench just a bit with each blow.

He opted to keep going with the paddle, continuing to increase the force behind each strike. This time, he paid particular attention to Caleb’s sit spot because the only thing that could make this more satisfying would be watching him wince a little as he sat hour after. The sound of the rubber against his skin seemed to fill and reverberate through the room and a harsh breath escaped his lips as he gave the hardest smack yet. He changed back to using his hand and left a series of firm smacks peppered over his skin, purposefully targeting the areas that were the reddest already. He could feel the heat rising from his skin and it felt incredible. ‘I could just leave you in the centre of a room like this; you function so beautifully as an art piece for guests to admire sweet boy.’ He mused. ‘Reach back and hold your cheeks apart for me.’ He demanded, picking up his favourite leather crop.

The strikes were starting to elicit small grunts, and Caleb actually had to focus to keep his breathing slow and even. It wasn't hard to keep fairly still, though, and he was still enjoying the pain, counting, and of course thanking Eric at appropriate intervals. He glanced back over his shoulder at Eric to try to see if the Dom was at all serious about leaving Caleb on the bench. He didn't think he was planning to do it, but he didn't know Eric well enough to be sure. He did like being called a sweet boy, though. That was nice.  Caleb obediently reached back with both hands and held his ass cheeks apart and spread his knees apart a little further. He knew what must be coming next, and this part had a tendency to hurt like a bitch. He could take it, though. He focused on his breathing, keeping it even.

He noticed him looking back and he took a moment to reassure him. ‘I’m not going anywhere Caleb.’ He promised. ‘I was trying to be a little poetic and tell you how incredible you look right now.’ He explained. He waited until Caleb’s cheeks were spread, leaving his hole exposed before the trailed the tip of the crop over him. ‘I want to hear you thank me after every strike this time.’ He instructed him, before drawing the crop back and allowing it to smack directly against his hole.

Caleb smiled softly and looked down again. “I'm just glad I please you, Sir,” he murmured, though his voice was clearly pleased as well, and it was obvious he enjoyed the compliment. “Yes, Sir,” he answered, and tried not to tense. The first strike was enough to make him gasp and jump, though he was back in position as quickly as he moved. “Thank you, Sir!”

The more they played, the more Eric settled on the conclusion that Caleb had been expected to behave in a very specific way by his former Dominant. ‘You’re doing so well gorgeous.’ He praised, landing two more sharp swats directly over his hole. He knew that wasn’t for everyone but he’d always been a fan of leaning into the mild humiliation that came with holding yourself open for that kind of treatment. Two more seats bring the total to five and he decided to switch out the crop for the flogger he’d promised him. ‘Good boy. Now I want you to stand up for me; let me see you.’ He instructed.

Being praised always made everything easier to handle for Caleb. He yelped and jerked as the crop hit him in such a sensitive spot, but he kept his position, holding himself open for Eric. “Th-thank you, Sir,” he managed again as the final strike landed. He felt like his whole ass was burning by now, and it took him a second to stand up. When he did, he looked over at Eric and smiled a little, hoping to show how much he really did appreciate and enjoy all this attention.

Eric took a moment to admire Caleb as he stood, fully exposed. He looked incredible, and he found himself feeling that familiar mesmerised feeling. ‘Beautiful.’ He remarked, very obviously looking him up and down. His gaze lingered on his cock, and he trailed the flogger over the sensitive skin. ‘What should we do about this hm?’ He teased, smirk playing on his lips. ‘Start stroking yourself. There’s lube there if you need it.’ He advised, gesturing with his head. Once he’d given his instruction, he flicked the flogger against his thigh. ‘Needless to say, you’re not allowed to cum sweet boy.’

Caleb ducked his head, embarrassed by the compliments, his cheeks now reddening as though to try to match his ass.  He was already half way hard just from the spanking and the praise and the compliments, and he could feel the arousal starting to pool low in his stomach.  He shivered at the light touch of the flogger, both from the sensation and the promise of what was to come.  “Yes, Sir,” he murmured as he started to stroke himself.  He went slow, not wanting to overstimulate himself and get worked up too quickly, or risk coming accidentally.  That would be a disaster.  He watched  Eric out of the corner of his eye,  and found himself wishing he could see the Dom better.  Eric was so sexy like this, the way his gaze was darkened, the way he seemed so effortlessly dominant.

He held the leather straps of the flogger about halfway down, and with what was initially a very light swat, brought it down against his length as he stroked himself. He’d expression his desire to explore CBT and Caleb had taken his spanking so beautifully, that he would his curiosity won out in this regard. ‘Good boy.’ He enthused, recnogising the positive effect the praise seemed to have on Caleb each time he gave it. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking about.’ He prompted, curious and eager to challenge the Switch.

Caleb started to tense when he saw Eric aiming at his cock, but such a light swat, and only with half the length of the flogger, barely even hurt.  He sent Eric another smile when the Dom called him a good boy. That was all Caleb wanted out of this, really. The question caught him off guard, though. “I, um..” he wasn't sure how to respond, wasn't really sure why it mattered. “Just that… that I like being good for you, Sir. And, um, and that I can take more. If you want.”

‘Just that you like being good?’ He echoed, landing another swat against his thigh. ‘And here I thought you’d be conjuring some of the images I teased you with.’ He cracked the flogger against his ass, relishing in the sound the leather made. He continued to crack the flogger repeatedly against his ass as he continued to speak. ‘Do you want to know what I’m thinking about?’ He didn’t wait for an answer before he continued. ‘I’m thinking about whether I should use your mouth or your ass to get off.’ He winked, palming his own growing erection through his pants.

Caleb wanted to stroke himself harder and faster, it was an effort to keep his hand moving slow and even, so he didn’t risk coming without permission.  But between the sting of the flogger and the way Eric was talking, he was painfully turned on.  He groaned softly as the flogger hit his already sore ass repeatedly.  “Y-yes, Sir,” he answered, because of course he wanted to know what Eric was thinking. He swallowed thickly and tried to push back the spike of arousal.  “Please,” he said, breathless, turning his head to look at Eric.  “Please use me.  Either one.”

He looked at him, lips quirked in a smirk and lashed the flogger against him once more. ‘I’m not really convinced you want me to use you.’ He remarked, as he moved around to Caleb’s front. He swatted his hand away from his cock and replaced it with his own. He stroked him at an agonisingly slow pace. ‘If you want my cock sweet boy, I’m going to have to hear you beg for it.’ He winked.

Caleb had the tiniest flinch when Eric slapped his hand away, but he didn’t move, just dropped his hand to his side.  It felt like a herculean effort just to stand still, with Eric touching him so slowly, not nearly enough.  Just having Eric so close to him, and where Caleb could see him, made his breath stutter.  He had to focus to keep his hips still, because they wanted to push forward into Eric’s hand.  He flushed with embarrassment at the instruction and looked down, but he was getting desperate enough not to care about the humiliation of begging, and anyway, he wouldn’t be disobedient.  “P-please, Sir,” he stammered, voice starting to shake just like his hands were now.  “Please, may I have your cock?  I- I’ll be good, please.”

He heard the shake in his voice and he took a moment to check in with him, bringing his hand up to rest against his face. ‘You’re doing so well for me Caleb.’ He hummed, making a point of using his name. ‘You’re being such a good boy.’ He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of his lips. ‘How’re you feeling?’ He asked, allowing his hand to still. He kept their closeness, and studied Caleb’s expression carefully. The last thing he wanted to do was ask too much of him, and make him come to regret being there in the first place.

Caleb looked up when Eric touched his cheek, then down again as he leaned into the hand.  He nodded just slightly, the barest movement of his head, almost of a nuzzle into Eric’s hand, as he tried to even out his breathing again.  He was still worked up and headed towards overwhelmed, and it was difficult not to push his hips to try to get Eric to start stroking him again, but the praise and physical affection settled something inside of him.  “I- I’m good, Sir,” he managed.  “Please- please don’t stop.  I want to keep going.  Please?”

Satisfied with his response and confident now that he was pushing him exactly the right amount, he gave his length a squeeze before he spoke. ‘On your knees sweet boy, and part those pretty lips for me.’ He’d considered fucking him but decided against it remembering just how hard he’d hit him earlier. That might have been too much. As Caleb got into position, he pushed his jeans down to his knees, and freed his erection for his boxers. He stroked his own length, giving a low grunt. One hand twisted into Caleb’s hair, holding him but not too tightly. Slowly, he pushed his cock between his lips; moaning at the sudden wet heat. ‘This is your chance to show me how much you want to keep going Gorgeous.’

Caleb gasped audibly when Eric squeezed his cock, and he jerked slightly, but didn’t otherwise move until he was told to kneel.  Then he dropped to the ground instantly.  “Thank you, Sir,” he managed in a rough voice as he shifted so he could get the right angle.  He groaned quietly at the feeling of strong fingers gripping his hair.  Caleb licked his lips, then opened as Eric moved in and wrapped his lips around the head, sucking hard.  He took Eric’s words to heart and went for it, sucking more of Eric’s length into his mouth, bobbing his head, and swirling his tongue around the head and over the tip every time he pulled back.  

‘Look at you.’ He teased, rolling his hips forward slightly. He was doing his best to let Caleb adjust but his whole body thrummed with the desire to just fuck his throat. As Caleb seemed to grow in confidence, he did too; and he began to push his hips forward more insistently, tightening his grip in the Swich’s hair. A low groan left his mouth as he drank in the sight of Caleb on his knees, lips stretched around his cock. ‘So fucking pretty on your knees.’ He grunted, as he thrust forward and hit the back of his throat.

It was easy for Caleb to relax and become more passive as Eric took more control.  The pull on his hair kept sending tingles through him, a constant reminder of his place and what he should be focusing on.  He relaxed his jaw and throat to accept Eric’s movements without issue.  His hands came up to rest on Eric’s hips for balance as he leaned in, swallowing Eric’s cock nearly to the base.  He wanted so badly to impress the Dom right now.

Caleb’s mouth felt incredible; and he grunted his appreciation as he continued to fuck into his throat. His fingers clenched in his hair and he rocked forward, focused entirely on chasing his own pleasure. He could feel the pit of his stomach tightening as his orgasm inched closer. ‘Fucking hell, Caleb.’ He panted, the Switch’s name leaving his lips breathlessly.

Caleb moaned quietly around Eric’s cock the tighter the Dom gripped his hair.  He was desperate for relief as well, but he was barely tempted to touch himself, because he was focused on Eric’s cock.  He sucked as hard as he could every time Eric drove into his mouth again, and managed to only gag once when the head would start to slide into his throat.

‘That’s it gorgeous. Don’t stop.’ he encouraged breathlessly, his head falling back briefly as wave after wave of pleasure washed over him. He felt his stomach tighten completely and he straightened up so he could watch the Switch as he swallowed his load. He barely had time to utter his warning before his orgasm hit and pulsated through his entire body. He pulled back as it did and shot white ropes of cum over Caleb’s face, lips and chin. ‘Fuck.’ he breathed, chest heaving as he drank in the sight of him; perfectly messed, needy and more gorgeous than he had words for. ‘C’mere beautiful.’ he requested, holding his hand out to draw the Switch to his feet.

Caleb found sucking cock to be almost meditative in the sense that it got him out of his own head for a while. He was thinking only of Eric's cock and his own mouth and the sounds coming from the Dominant. He always felt proud, too, when he brought someone to orgasm, happy that he could give that pleasure to them. He coughed a couple times when Eric pulled out, but held still so Eric could come on him. Once it was over, he blinked up at Eric and smiled.  He took the outstretched hand and stood, and almost wiped his face off with his free hand, but stopped himself in time.

He opted to kick his pants off, blindly kicking them side when they hit his ankles. He used his shirt sleeve to wipe his face clean as best he could. He slid his arm around his waist and drew him in as close as it was possible to draw him in. He could feel his erection pressing against him and he flashed him a grin. ‘You’re such a fucking good boy.’ he praised kindly. He pressed forward, guiding them back until he could press him against the wall. He slid his leg between Caleb’s and squeezed his waist. ‘Can I kiss you?’ It might have seemed an odd question to ask but he’d met too many submissives who weren’t comfortable with that sort of intimacy.

Caleb was grateful that Eric cleaned him up a little. He hated the feeling of cum drying on his face. When Eric pulled him close, Caleb went easily, slid his arms around Eric's waist,and buried his face in the crook of Eric's neck. He grinned at the praise, which made him feel amazing. “Thank you, Sir,” he mumbled into Eric's shoulder.  Eric started to move him, and Caleb lifted his head to see where they were going, but he didn't resist in the slightest. He only smiled softly at Eric when his back was against the wall, and groaned when Eric's leg brushed his cock. “Yes, Sir,” he breathed. “Of course.”

He slid his free hand between them and brushed his fingers over his cock before he leaned in and kissed him hard. He savoured every second of it, moving his lips against Caleb’s and nipping at his lower lip with his teeth. He kissed him for a long time, pulling back occasionally to suck in a breath and kept his fingers teasing against his length. ‘Do you want to cum for me gorgeous?’ He asked, pulling back enough to look over his face. ‘You’ve definitely earned it.’ He grinned. He shifted his leg against him, and leaned back slightly. ‘If you wanna cum, you’re gonna have to start humping my leg, show me what a needy slut you really are beautiful.’ He encouraged.

Caleb loved being kissed like this, pinned against a wall, trapped.  It made the whole act of kissing so much hotter.  His hands came up to rest lightly on Eric’s waist, though he wanted to touch much more than that.  He wanted to grab and hold, touch Eric all over, but he didn’t have permission to do any of that.  Eric’s light touches on Caleb’s cock were agonizing, but he was able to keep his hips still.  But when Eric asked, he nodded desperately.  “Please,” he moaned.  He was so aching, he almost didn’t mind being told to get himself off on Eric’s leg like a wanton, thirsty slut.  He pushed his hips forward, grinding his cock against Eric’s thigh, and groaned loudly.  “Please, please, can I-?”  His hips were pumping now, searching for any amount of friction he could find.

He was completely enamoured by the way Caleb so shamelessly ground against him, eagerly chasing the pleasure that had been building and ebbing throughout their scene. It was humiliating to make him do it this way but that was the whole point behind his instruction; that made it all the more erotic somehow. ‘Cum for me slut.’ he demanded before he pressed firmly against him once more and caught his lips in a rough, and passionate kiss. He held him trapped against the wall, one had twisting into his hair.

It was the sharp pain of the hand in his hair combined with the duller pain where his abused ass was pressed against the wall that brought Caleb over the edge.  He pushed into Eric, gasping and moaning as he finally came, getting it on the floor and Eric’s thigh.  It washed over him, lighting him up, and then draining out of him like all his strings holding him up were cut.  He was grateful to be stuck between Eric and the wall as he sagged and dropped his forehead onto Eric’s shoulder.  “Th-thank you, Sir…”  

Eric caught him as he fell against him, wrapping his arms around him more securely. He looked over him with a satisfied smile and ducked his head to kiss his hair. ‘You were such a good boy for me Caleb.’ He praised quietly, giving him time to recover and settle himself before he even contemplated moving. ‘You’re so fucking gorgeous.’ He continued, before he kissed him again. ‘Let me know when you’re ready to move and we can head into somewhere a little more comfortable. Do you want to clean up right away or do you wanna come lay in bed with me for a while?’ He asked, prompting him for his aftercare requirements.

Listening to the praise, Caleb melted against Eric. That was all he wanted. To be a good boy. He wanted to stay in this little bubble forever, where he was a good boy and Eric was pleased with him and he didn't have to move or do anything. All too soon, though, Eric was talking about moving, and Caleb pulled back, looking down at the floor and nodding. “I- whatever you want,” he said quietly. He glanced around, taking stock of how much cleaning up he'd need to do. “I can clean up now, if you want, Sir.”

His brow furrowed slightly when Caleb pulled back, and he itches to pull him back into a secure embrace. ‘No, sweetheart. Not clean up in here. I mean, you.’ He clarified gently after watching his eyes flirt around the room. ‘The room isn’t important and it’ll be here when we’re ready to put it to rights.’ He explained, emphasising the we. ‘Some people like to shower and rinse off right away, others prefer to collapse in bed and rest a while. I’m asking you what you need.’ He assured him, bringing his hand up to rest against his cheek. ‘You’ve been such a good boy. You are such a good boy. This is my opportunity to take care of you.’ He smiled. ‘This is the part where I make sure you know how valued you are and how much I appreciate you so just tell me what you need.’

“Oh.” Caleb looked faintly confused as he frowned down at the floor. He only glanced up when Eric touched his cheek, and then only briefly. He wasn't sure why Eric was being so sweet to him, and not knowing made him feel stupid, like he was missing something. “I, um.. thank you, Sir,” he said quietly. “Please, just- whatever you think is best. I don't- I don't need anything.”

‘It’s not about what I think is best right now.’ He explained gently, catching Caleb’s chin and using his fingers to make him look up. ‘I pushed you pretty hard for a first scene. I know you must be aching and I know you must be tired; I want to take care of you, make sure your headspace is good and that you’re feeling happy. It’s pretty intense to come down from a scene like that.’ He looked him over, and something in his head told him something larger was going on behind the scenes. Or perhaps Caleb simply wasn’t ready to make a decision? ‘Let’s go to bed. I can clean you up as best I can and then we can relax together for a while. I happen to be an excellent cuddler.’ He smiled. He stepped back to encourage him forward and immediately slid an arm around his waist to maintain some sort of physical contact, something he did for himself as much as Caleb.

Caleb looked up at Eric, and found himself fighting against the feeling that he was failing at something, since Eric had to explain it again. “I'm okay, Sir,” he whispered. He wasn't sure he should even say anything. But he nodded gratefully when Eric decided for him, and smiled at the comment about cuddling. “I never turn down cuddling, Sir,” he said quietly as he leaned into Eric. He was just relieved that he didn't have to clean up right away. It was so much nicer to stay like this, with Eric touching him and making decisions for him still. Maybe he was even still a good sub, for a while.

He led the Switch through to the bedroom, and directly to the bed. ‘Kneel here for me sweetheart. I’m just going to go to the bathroom to clean myself off and get a flannel for you.’ He explained. ‘I’ll be right back.’ He knew all too well a submissive’s headspace after a scene could interpret that as abandonment; it had happened the first time he’d done a scene with someone in college and he’d been cautious about it ever since.

In the bathroom, he cleaned himself off quickly; a shower would follow later but for now, a quick wipe down would do. He pulled on a pair of sweatpants and returned with a warm flannel and a basin of warm water so he could wipe away any traces of cum or sweat staining Caleb’s body; at least enough to allow him to relax comfortably under a soft blanket and hopefully come back down gently. ‘Stand up for me gorgeous.’ He instructed before gently cleaning him up. Satisfied, he set the basin aside and scooted back on the bed before beckoning Caleb into his arms. ‘C’mere Caleb.’ He requested, itching to gather him in his arms for selfish reasons as much as wanting to comfort him.

Caleb knelt silently when told to, and he was grateful for the instruction. Leaning his red ass back on his heels was painful, but in a dull, comforting way. He sank into the feeling while Eric was away. It was such a lovely ache. By the time Eric came back, Caleb was drifting. He blinked and looked up, and it took him just a second longer than normal to process the order. But he stood obediently and held still for Eric while he was cleaned up, and then crawled into bed without hesitation. He slipped under the covers and moved to Eric's side, but didn't press himself against the Dom the way he wanted to. He didn't want to be too clingy. Especially when Eric was already being so generous.

‘If you’re not comfortable being close to me Caleb, you can say so. You don’t have to lay with me.’ He informed him, not closing the distance the way he wanted to so as to give the Switch agency over some of his choices. He desperately wanted to pick at his mind, to work out what was going on as the wheels in his brain continued to turn. ‘How’re you feeling? Are you comfortable?’ He asked, trying to understand what was needed from him, only too eager to provide how he could.

Caleb looked dismayed for a second, though he tried his best to cover it.  He was never good at hiding his emotions when he was in subspace.  He knew Eric was trying to give him an out if he didn’t want to be here, but that wasn’t the problem.  He was trying to be respectful, not to just take without permission, and Eric was interpreting it as standoffishness, and Caleb didn’t know what to do.  He looked down, chewing on his lower lip, wondering if he should scoot closer, but it was just so ingrained in him that he shouldn’t touch without permission.  “Yes, Sir,” he said softly.  “I’m okay.  Thank you, Sir.”

Something in his gut told him something wasn’t right and he’d always been taught to respect a person’s personal space, particularly to respect their decisions with aftercare, but on this occasion, it didn’t feel right to do that. He shifted in closer, and wrapped his arms more securely around Caleb. ‘Is this okay?’ He asked after the fact. ‘It’s okay to tell me what you need sweet boy.’ He murmured, leaning in to press a kiss against his forehead.

When Eric moved closer, Caleb finally let himself lean into the Dom like he wanted to.  “Yes, Sir,” he answered, because it was more than okay.  He ducked his head down to hide his face in Eric’s shoulder and snaked an arm hesitantly over Eric’s waist.  Once there, he finally relaxed a little, and the breath he let out was more ragged than he’d anticipated. “I- I’m okay, Sir,” he whispered.  “I don’t need anything.  Just- just this, please?”

‘Don’t be afraid to touch me yeah?’ he soothed, stroking his hand down the Switch’s side to give his hip a squeeze. He leaned in and caught his lips in a very soft, sweet kiss; hugely different than the kisses they’d shared previously. ‘You were so wonderful for me Caleb.’ he repeated, suspecting the Switch needed the reassurance. That was something he was only too happy to provide.

Caleb nodded, and leaned in closer, until his body was pressed against Eric’s.  The kiss was still a surprise, though.  It was so gentle and sweet.  Caleb liked it, a lot.  When it was over, though, he just tucked his face into the crook of Eric’s neck and clung to him.  The praise struck a chord in him somewhere deep down, reverberating inside him.  It made him feel warm, and safe, but also made him ache in ways he didn’t understand.  “Thank you,” he managed, though it was entirely inadequate to convey the depths of what he was feeling.

[robertemeryofficial]

Behind the scenes with Stewart Copeland: Why dumb shit makes me happy (#1) - TRANSCRIPT

"If the only reason humans pro-create is Vivaldi, we would all be fucked…"  -- Stewart Copeland

In this inaugural episode of the new ‘Backstage with Robert Emery’ podcast, RDCE talks to Stewart Copeland, the founder and drummer of the British rock band 'The Police'. Stewart talks about why he attributes studying 'Mass Communication & Public Policy' to becoming one of the worlds most famous drummers, why one of his balls is called Ben Hur, and how he grew up not knowing his Father was a spy.

Stewart is an American musician and composer.  Apart from his most famous role as a rockstar, over the years he has produced film and video game soundtracks, written music for ballets, operas and orchestras, and in 2003 was inducted into the 'Rock and Roll Hall of Fame'.  

This whistle-stop tour of his life takes us through his nine years in The Police with Sting and Andy Summers, his solo projects as a composer, and his predictions of the status of orchestral and rock music in twenty years.

Listen Now

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Overcast, or on your favourite podcast platform. 

Transcript

Hello, lovely people, and welcome to the inaugural episode of The Backstage Blog with me, Robert Emery.

This episode is brought to you with the help of LAT_56. LAT_56 are a sharp, smart and efficient baggage company that help you take off relaxed and arrive ready to take on the world. In 2011, I completed 122 flights and without their NASA-spec material making such a solid travel system, the hours spent with my luggage being thrown from one plane to another would have caused me a big headache. With their bold and strong aesthetics, they make no compromise to achieve the balance between performance and style.

With a lifetime guarantee, you'll be safe in the knowledge that their products will stand the test of time. When I first bought my travel bag from them, they only sold their flagship garment bag, an ingenious suit carrier that’s stylish, compact and crucially for me, going from gig to gig, didn't crease the suits. Since then, they've branched out to carry-on luggage, backpacks, duffel bags, laptop bags, and even wash bags.

Now, you know me, I’d only mention a company if I used and approved of them, and I do. And you know what? The thing I love about them the most is that after seven years of wear and tear, my first bag still looks as new as the backpack I bought just six months ago. So, if you're a busy traveller and want something that is stylish and secure, visit thebackstageblog.com and click on Partners.

Hello, lovely people. Today I'm really excited to be having a chat with my friend, rock god and all-round crazy gentleman, Stewart Copeland. Stewart and I first met at a gig. He was hitting the drums as loud as he could to the soundtrack that he composed for Ben-Hur. Scarily, I was conducting the orchestra who were duelling with him. It was like a baked bean and a baked potato had forgotten which one was little and which one was large. From that moment I picked up the baton, I knew that not only is Stewart one of the world's greatest drummers, and not only does he compose like a modern-day maestro, but after 44 years in the music industry, he still has the passion and energy of an 18-year-old.

I'll be honest, it's my first time recording an interview with me being the one asking the questions, so please forgive me: like any good art, it’ll take a while to perfect. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this worldwide whistle-stop tour of Stewart Copeland and his life.

Robert Emery: Okay, so welcome, welcome, welcome. I think the first thing I would like to talk to you about is your slightly crazy childhood because I'm pretty damn sure this has had an effect on what you've done in life later on. I've done a bit of reading and I know you were telling me–we're here somewhere in Europe doing Ben-Hur but we'll talk about that later. I know you were saying the other night about you had a very interesting childhood because, if I've got this right, you were born in the states, you grew up in Lebanon...

Stewart Copeland: You missed out a bit. Egypt.

Robert: Oh did I? Okay, Egypt. But then you went to boarding school in Somerset, then you're in a rock band, and then you ended up back in LA.

Stewart: A couple of steps missing there but fundamentally that’s the story, that's the arc.

Robert: It's a bit of a strange, unusual upbringing. What is the reason for that? How did that happen?

Stewart: My father was a diplomat, otherwise known as a spy. He was, during the war, in the OSS. His job was obviously the Nazis, but as the war was coming to a close, they realised that the Soviets were the real problem. And so even as they were finishing up winning the war together, the Soviets and the Americans, they were getting into the beginning of the Cold War. At that point, the energy from the Middle East was very important and so the CIA... As the OSS was morphing into this new thing called the CIA, my father was down in the Middle East and his job was to make sure that the oil came west to our factories rather than north to the evil empire.

To enact that mission, they imposed dictators upon the people such as when I was born, my daddy was away on business. I was born in Alexandria, Virginia, which is a suburb of the CIA. He was over in Cairo installing Gamal Abdel Nasser who ran Egypt actually pretty well for the Egyptian people. Across the Middle East, in Syria and the other countries, basically, their job was to keep a stable system. They were not interested in social engineering or in democracy; they were interested in stability. All the people of that generation, they were completely comfortable with the concept of dictators otherwise known as monarchs. The idea of absolute power. These people were... My father used to like to describe himself as amoral. He said he would never have anyone assassinated with whom he would mix socially, and I don't think he ever had anyone assassinated either but, you know, he was a storyteller. What did you ask me?

Robert: Just about your childhood. But did you know when you were growing up?

Stewart: That’s why I was there. No, I didn't know any of this growing up. In fact, it didn't seem exotic to me at all. In fact, it seemed to be lacking anything exotic because we didn't have TV and at the American school... I was in Egypt very young, but my memories really begin in Lebanon in Beirut and there was the American Community School. For a while, there was a rumour that in my generation, that's when the Saudis first started sending their young princes to get a Western education: the ACS in Beirut was the western school, the American School in Beirut. From my gen, it was the first time we started to see Arab kids, Gulf state kids, amongst the Westerners who were being educated there and Osama bin Laden was one of those.

Robert: Wow!

Stewart: Many years after me. Of course, if he'd been there when I was there, I would have kicked his ass. But we didn't have TV and the other American kids who had been home more recently would talk about this Xanadu, this fabled place called America. In fact, most people outside of America in my generation heard of America as the shining light on a hill where the streets are clean, and the people are, you know, everything works, and the systems are new and all this stuff, and... Then, gosh, there we were living in dusty old Beirut.

Of course, now looking back on it, I am so glad I grew up in dusty old Beirut. But then my father's best buddy, turned out to be a British double agent, name of Kim Philby, and his whole scene was kind of blown by that blow. My good buddy, Harry Philby, his dad disappeared one night. Two weeks later, he turns up in Moscow. True Blue English, he was recruited in Cambridge and was a mole and rose up in the Mi5 and there was three or four of them, I think. Anyway, my father had to ship his family out just like that. We were there for 10 years and then in a two-week period we are out of there.

I did one term in London, at the American School in London, but ended up in Somerset at Millfield. After that, I went to college in America and then came back to London where I met these other two guys.

Robert: So, it was after you went to the states and then you came back to London and that's where you met the other two guys as you call them. Okay, fine. But when did you start playing the drums?

Stewart: Hard to say. My father was a musician before the war. I’ve still got his trumpet; it's a 1942-con or something, I can't remember the year, I looked up the serial number. The fancy trumpet’s like the SG of its day. He only devotes two or three pages about his jazz life in his book but he played with both Dorsey brothers, Harry James, Glenn Miller–for him that's déclassé.

Robert: You grew up with music around you?

Stewart: When he started a family, he thrust musical instruments into all the kids and I'm the fourth child. By the time I came along, the house was full of abandoned instruments and I picked up all of them and I just was lost on all of them. My father spotted the tell-tale sign of a budding musician, which is “you can't get him to shut up.” Any kid that you have to say, “It's time for your piano practice,” don't waste your time or his time or her time. The tell-tale sign is that kind of autism... that you can't stop the kid, and I was on everything.

Trombone, I think, was the first lessons I had, but I couldn't get to the seventh position. But the buddy of mine had a catalogue, Slingerland drum catalogue, with pictures of drum sets which for me, I was like pictures of power, motors... Really, looking back now, as father of seven, I realise that the drum thing was partly because I was a very late bloomer. All the way through high school, even when I was 12-13, all my mates were growing faster. Their voices dropped, they started growing beards, they started turning into... and I was still that squeaky little kid.

The drums were power. Boom, bam, argh! Suddenly the squeaky little kid, now I'm a big silverback bastard motherfucker coming to eat your children. For a little 12-year-old who was this squeaky little 12-year-old, that was power. Looking back, adding up all the impressions and memories, I remember the first show–actually, the British Embassy Beach Club party at The St George Club. Janet McRoberts was there and I'm playing Don't let me be Misunderstood or an Animals’ or a Kink’s song or whatever, maybe House of the Rising Sun and there's Janet McRoberts on the dance floor with that look. And I thought, “Shit! Whatever this is, this is going to get me somewhere.”

Also, I remember at The American Beach Club, overhearing two of the 15- year-old girls talking. 15-year old girls are just like an impossible dream for a 12-year-old, you know, and they're talking about how Ian Copeland–who was the coolest kid in Beirut, by the way. He was the leader of the motorcycle gang, Ian Copeland was the coolest kid on campus. They’re talking, “Wow, I hear the Black Knights have got a new drummer. Oh, cool,” or hip or whatever. “Yeah, it’s Ian Copeland’s brother. Ian has a brother?” They’re talking about this mythical being, the new drummer in the Black Knights–is he cute? I’m standing there, I’m a little 12-year-old kid standing there with my ice-cream. These 15-year-olds are talking about Stewart Copeland as if it's somebody.

And so, these elemental, deep, crocodile-brain part of the drive, the emotional drive, are very powerful. My theory is that music is basically part of the procreative process of the human being. It's our mating dance. It's our mating ritual. As my mother the archaeologist would say, it's our plumage, and at that young age, particularly at adolescent age, music is so... With my kids, I see that music is so important to them. Here I do it for a living and I still wake up every day and can't wait to make more music but I can get through an hour without hearing music. My kids? It's the young mating dance. So that was a very powerful impulsion to playing drums.

Robert: So, you figured this is a very cool thing to do, you get lots of good attention for this and...

Stewart: Here’s is one more factor. My big brother Ian? Coolest kid on campus? Couldn't do it. Which was very unsettling because one of the American kids... What happened was the Black Knights’ drummer, his dad got shipped back to the states, the drums he was using which are borrowed or something like that were lying... And so they’re, “Well, let's get Ian. Let's get the coolest kid in the school to play the drums.” And he tried to do it and I could hear him in his room, the forbidden sanctuary. I could hear him trying to get it... then he’d roar off on his motorcycle and I’d sneak in on pain of death and I'd get on there, and I can do it. Wait a minute, that's not right, I must be doing it wrong for me to be able to do it what I heard him not able to do, my hero and older brother...

Robert: You didn’t have lessons?

Stewart: Immediately my father spotted, “Ah drums, great! Lessons!” And I had lessons at everything. The minute he spotted anything, “Lessons!” Yeah, right away.

Robert: Something definitely clicked with you with drums.

Stewart: Yeah and they stuck. The guitar kind of stuck, too. I played guitar all my life, never seriously, never took a lesson, never really developed anything beyond my favourite three chords. But those three chords? Ah, you can have a lot of fun on A, E and D. Throw a G in there, F sharp minor even.

Robert: Alright. The interesting thing for me though is that when I was growing up, I played the piano and I played the cello.

Stewart: Cello? Excellent instrument. A great blues instrument, by the way. You put that thing on your lap, play it like this, and it's a fantastic blues instrument.

Robert: But I couldn't do it. It didn't work for me. I just could not...

Stewart: The piano did, though, right?

Robert: The piano, I don't know why. I’d just sit there, play, it was easy, it just happened, you didn't have to think about it, I didn't really do any training to start with. It just happened. But cello, it did not happen. I could not get it to work. So did you try any instruments out when you were young?

Stewart: We’re going to have to work on a theory for that because pianotude you’ve got. That works for you. But two hands interacting to make one note seems to not work for you. I’m the other way around, see? Guitars, no problem. I can work on piano every day and I still can't play Mary Had a Little Lamb so you’ve got that gift.

Robert: Yeah. Yeah, but it's only piano. Piano conducting. But I tried many other things over the years, I tried clarinet for a while, couldn't do it, and it's just so concentrated what I can do with my music–what instruments. You sound like you're the sort of guy who can pick up anything, can give it a good damn go and have a bit...

Stewart: Whether I can or not, I will pick up anything and give it a damn good go.

Robert: And you have lots of instruments at home?

Stewart: I have the world’s largest collection of the cheapest instruments money can buy. I got trombone, I got bassoon. I got timpani. I got clarinet, I got viola, I got violin. I got cello. I got baby cello, I got bass guitar, lead guitar, rhythm guitar, acoustic guitar, banjo. I got all kinds of instruments.

Robert: And you’ve tried them all?

Stewart: Oh, yeah. Well, I get on eBay, then I haven't got a mellophone. So, I get on there and I look for mellophones or euphoniums; I love brass instruments above all. In fact, today I played an Alpine horn which is 15 feet long and guess what? A- Extremely light, made out of bamboo or something. B- really easy to play. Doesn't require a lot of breath at all, it's like playing on a trombone. Very impressed out there... [Makes a trumpeting sound] You know, not that hard.

Robert: Let’s just rewind back in time a little bit. You formed this band called The Police. How long was it from your starting point to all of a sudden something happened where you just went sky high?

Stewart: It was incremental, but every step headlining the marquee felt like a stellar, “That's it. We've made it. That's it, we're done. We're there now!” And then the next step happens and like climbing a mountain you think there's the shoulder there and we just get to there and that's going to be the top of the mountain–you get there and there's more mountain. It was very much like that. But we did star for a good two years, where we were playing the clubs and all of our gigs pretty much were cancellations by the genuine article punk bands of the day. We were a fake punk band. We were using the punk haircut as a flag of convenience because really, it's all about the hairdo. The stance.

Sting and I were both on the cusp, born in the early 50s. We were the tail end of the hippie generation where so by the time we got into our teens and wanted to rock out and be young adolescents or young adults, it was old and stale. Even though we were steeped in it–he was in jazz and I was playing in Curved Air, kind of an art rock band–we were still the tail end of the last generation. It was all stultified and everything, along comes Johnny Rotten and the Punk-O-Rama, and suddenly it’s just “burn it all down, bring it all down.” Musically, I had nothing in common with that except the fact that I like raw aggression in music. I like it. It's comedic actually.

I liked all that and they were like children and so Curved Air was running its course as an art rock band, so no problem. Cut the hair, peroxided blonde, turn my collar up, and let's go punk. And we did but the critics *[18:59] spotted us in a heartbeat as not the real thing. But fortunately, all the real thing, The Clash, The Damned, Eater, The Jam, all these bands, they didn't know how to hire a truck or a PA. They were managed by one of their mates who didn't have a clue, and so most of The Police's early dates were cancellations by other bands. I’d get a call on a Thursday afternoon saying, “Generation X can't make it.” I can. I got a Rolodex, I know three guys with a truck, I know three guys with a PA, I can get that together, I can get out to Islington, pick up that truck, the PA. “Fred, the PA, can you make the date? Sure.” I can pull it together and get that. And so all of our dates were like “not Gen X”...

Robert: I'm going to pressure you on this because I know you say it's incremental and I know you say it's like climbing a mountain, but I still believe that there must be one ... There must be a gem somewhere, a little story, a little something happened which put you on that clear direction.

Stewart: Many.

Robert: What is it? What's the one that comes to mind?

Stewart: If I had to pick out one, it's hard to say the one that was the payoff of all that which would be Shea Stadium where the Beatles played. And when you play at Shea Stadium, that's officially you have conquered America and you're in the footsteps of The Beatles. That was pretty darned exciting and it turned out to be the best show ever. We were a pretty hot band but some nights just really went to another level and we amazed ourselves. Actually, we were pretty full of ourselves most nights, but that was a particularly good night. Our first stadium, too. Then we got sick of stadiums.

Robert: So that was your first stadium, yeah?

Stewart: I think so. It felt like the first anyway but then we got to the top and then stayed there for a couple of albums before we were right at the top. There was no sign of the... The ascent was on a straight line when we threw in the towel because we had that folly of youth. Well, actually it turned out not to be folly. It turned out to be wisdom in a way of, “I don’t need these guys.” Usually when you hear band members say that, you try and advise them against it. But in our case it actually sort of turned out to be a good thing that we threw in when we did. We never saw the other side, the inevitable other side of the parabola. And so when we picked it up 20 years later, our thing was still pristine.

Robert: Crazy. So, you've done many, many things in your life and you've achieved an awful lot and I'll talk about composing in a minute. But first of all, do you have something that you have not yet achieved?

Stewart: Conducting. Watch your back, mate! I've been advised no matter how gifted I think I am, how easy I think it would be, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. I'm already trying to establish myself as a real conductor.

Robert: Real conductor or...?

Stewart: A real composer. Throw in amateur conductor and the learning curve with that, and there's been a 30-year learning curve with writing for orchestra. I didn't pick this up overnight: I've been working at this and trying to figure this out for decades, and I'm sure conducting would be the same sort of journey. Which I would be really happy to make that journey. I'm in for the long haul on things. I'm good for the long mission. I conduct small-scale all the time–my singers, my soloist when I'm working in the studio, bringing the singers in, and I understand how to breathe for them and so that the indication... There's more than just there it's [breathing loudly] there. Those nuances and I understand the rhythm and I took a conducting seminar and I really enjoyed it. I did a movement of... What the hell was it? It was a big huge Bach movement or something. Not Bach... Anyway, it was fantastic.

Robert: How many players did you have?

Stewart: The musicians union sent about two or three chairs of violins, one of the brass. It was pretty skinny but all the different choirs were represented and it was really, really a lot of fun. The most fun part was that my reading’s much better now than it was then and putting the things in two, three, and... I just love that because the first lesson I’ve learned was the opposite of drumming where you groove and you are the groove and you feel the others... And there, you have to run ahead of the cart and you’re ahead. You’re not grooving with the band; you're pulling them. You're out in front.

Robert: I’ll do you a deal. The next time we do Ben-Hur, and we have time...

Stewart: Ben-Hur is hard.

Robert: Then I get you to conduct that, yeah?

Stewart: Let's do that. I will take you up on that with Tyrant’s Crush.

Robert: Okay.

Stewart: And you can play drums.

Robert: You don't want to see that. You absolutely don't want to see me play drums. I’ve tried before.

Stewart: You threw down the gauntlet.

Robert: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you said you wanted to conduct. I never said I wanted to play drums. I’m happy playing...

Stewart: What's the quid pro quo here then?

Robert: That I get to laugh at you conduct.

Stewart: Done. Deal. I’d love it. I mean, who's got rehearsal time with 60 highly-paid musicians?

Robert: Okay, so you're a very busy guy and you've achieved a lot, you've conquered a lot, you've had very different aspects of your career, which means that you are a very driven person. You must be a guy who gets...

Stewart: It doesn’t feel like driven.

Robert: No, but you are. You must be.

Stewart: Compared... To me, other people they talk about this thing which is probably just as much as a mystery to you. The strange word, the strange concept called “procrastination.” Can you imagine? I mean, how's it possible to watch TV when you’ve got a mission to do? It's not a matter of being driven, it's just a matter of “there's a mission to do–let's go do that.” TV is for when you haven't got a mission or any... Eating food or sleep is for when you haven't got a mission. It doesn't feel driven or anything, it's just like...

Robert: What are the tips or the tricks or anything that you do to keep yourself energised, to keep yourself going, to get up in the morning to go and do what you need to do? Do you have like a ritual you have every morning for breakfast, or do you...?

Stewart: Well, yes. At my age, I have a ritual for everything because the running repairs on this battered old frame... You just figure out that if I go to bed this time and if I eat that and do this and don't do that, I guess my day is going to be better–and you have all these rituals. But I don't think any of these rituals are connected to motivation. I learned very early in life that daydreaming is a critical activity, that daydreaming isn't just wasting time. In fact watching TV– I'd rather stare out into space and imagine some great fantasy that I get to play my drum for the huge orchestra and I get to write all the music myself! And it goes [triumphant tune] and it's really fantastic. Just imagining this and imagining this...

If you have a daydream that really sticks and you keep going back to it, and you fill in the details of it and to make the daydream work better, you start filling in the details... It has to be realistic so the details that you add need to be substantiated by, “the way I got to being able to play with that big orchestra was that I met this guy. How did I meet a guy? Because I was...” Actually, what you're doing is concocting a scheme as the daydream. If it's a really powerful one that really draws you and you keep chewing on it and going back to it, you're actually working up a plan. Like we get the band with just three guys in it and one of them's got to sing. I have the guitar and the bass player’s... got to be a singer because my singing is terrible. And it'd be great... Before you know it, your daydream is a mission.

Robert: Do you think that has any connection whatsoever with the fact that you're a very talented musician and you've got an amazing gut feeling about music? Do you think the two are interlinked in any way, shape, or form?

Stewart: My oldest brother Miles, he is driven. He's driven, and he has excellent musical ears, but did not get the gift of creating art himself. He is a brilliant receiver of art. He understands the Zeitgeist and he's picked hits and he's had hits after hits after hits that he's had. My other brother Ian as an agent, same thing. Neither of them can play. Ian, the coolest kid in school, tried to play the bass and he can just about, but he did not get that gift. The driven thing...

Robert: So you believe you it is a gift?

Stewart: Yeah, absolutely. It is a gift. I don't know where it comes from, I'm so grateful for it, I'm humbled by the fact that I was granted this. I kiss the ground beneath my feet that I've been granted this gift. I do not feel that I earned it. I do feel an obligation in a way to service it and to... It is such a gift that I feel that it would be a crime for me to let it languish in a way. I don't know where that idea came from. Maybe my daddy taught me that or something.

Robert: Okay. So we’re doing here, in Basel, Ben-Hur...

Stewart: And you are the big orchestra and I get to write the music!

Robert: You’re such a crazy guy.

Stewart: That only took me 64 years to get that.

Robert: You went from being a drummer, a rock star, into a composer. It's a bit of a strange leap. I can't really think of anybody else who has done that...

Stewart: Once again, it wasn’t a leap. It wasn’t A and then a B. It was A– I guess the biggest leap was I got an incoming phone call from Francis Ford Coppola who says, could I come down to Tulsa, Oklahoma, where he's prepping–rehearsing, shooting a movie–and would I come there and just kind of like hang out and talk music and concept and stuff? So I get down there and the cast at that time, they're all kids. Every single one of them has now won an Academy Award. Diane Lane, Matt Dillon, I’m so terrible with names... Laurence Fishburne, Mickey Rourke, all of them. Dennis Hopper, they've all... But they were just kids; that's a diversion.

Anyway, so he just wanted to talk music and I got in there. Okay, I'm a little bit obsessive, and I said great. We talked high concept and he had this idea that... the reason he called me is time ticking, I remember like high noon... I want this teleological, inexorable movement of time with rhythm concept. You know, I love concept. Daydream: the result, the produce, the fruit of daydreams.

Robert: So he called you because he realised that the rhythm was such an important part and...

Stewart: Because his 18-year-old son says, “Dad, you gotta call Stewart Copeland from the Police.”

Robert: Okay, and then...

Stewart: And he did and I got in there, we bonded and his deal is that he finds people that he just senses has something, and he gives them their voice. He doesn't direct them. Oliver Stone told me every single note, “What's that note mean?” But Francis, once he got a connection, you're on the wavelength, he just turns you loose which he did and I had to figure out myself how to score a movie. Which I played that one all myself and I played mallards and weird guitar parts and funny little sounds. For them, since I didn't know how you do it, I had to invent the wheel for myself which is another word for–others applied this term and I was happy to accept it–revolutionary. That's not how you're supposed to do it but it's still...wow, that worked.

But at one point he did turn around and say, “I need some emotion. I need strings,” and immediately alarm bells, he's going to get some schlock artist in here, who’s going to like string... Francis, I got that. Yeah, you're right. We need some strings.

Robert: And that was the first time you'd worked with an orchestra?

Stewart: Yes.

Robert: So, you threw yourself into it at the deep end?

Stewart: Oh no, I’ve played in the school band.

Robert: Okay, yeah, but I mean as a professional... You threw yourself into the deep end as a composer who...

Stewart: I had these chords that I had worked out and I can play them one at a time. Okay that chord, okay stop the tape. Okay, play that chord and when it comes to the next chord it's... Okay roll the tape... Bang! And I can do that kind of thing. So for strings, all I had was footballs. Holders [singing sound]. I didn’t know how to write anything else. So, the first question is I call up a contractor and he says okay how many strings would you like? I go, how many? I don’t know. Strings.

Robert: Just strings.

Stewart: Strings. How many is strings? He says, Well, two guys is strings but it’s going to sound like two guys. If you want like I guess what Francis wants is a big wash of emotion. I don’t know, I think we ended up with maybe a dozen-20 guys, something like that. Somebody else looked at the chords and put it on a chart properly and I'm going, Yeah, I remember that from school. I actually did learn in college–I was at the California School of Performing Arts where I learned figured bass harmony and the fundam...

Robert: Figured bass, the most boring thing in the world ever.

Stewart: That's as far as I got.

Robert: If anybody out there doesn't know what figured bass is, don't even bother trying to Google it.

Stewart: It's critical.

Robert: No, it's not. It used to be critical. It’s now very, very boring and confusing.

Stewart: No. But what it did tell me is to not just do a barre chord up and down the neck like that, like a guitarist would do, and it tells you that you can use inner voices, let everything move in a different direction, and so on and so forth.

I was in a music school with other kids who'd studied the piano since the age of seven and I was the runt of the litter. One day she said, “Okay everybody, here's your homework. Write 16 bars.” Well-voiced chords for 16 bar. I had a million tunes in my head so I figured out something that I already and figured out applying the rules that I’d learned in her class to something I already had and she goes to the class and she plays okay by Johnny and she plays Johnny’s piece. Yeah, very good. Okay, yeah, good. Okay, Stewart... You’ve got a parallel fifth there and you haven't really resolved that but it’s kind of interesting the way that doesn't resolve there and resolves here. Now, you're not supposed to do this here, but there's kind of that note there. This would be what I would teach next year.

Robert: I remember this from being a kid.

Stewart: Yeah, and she finally ends up with, “Stewart, this is an actual piece of music.” And that totally at the bottom of the class, everyone just... They can sight read, they've done their ear training... I was just trying to become... I was starting at college age to learn the fundamental building blocks of music where everyone else in class had started much younger. I might have started playing music very young, but understanding the building blocks, the DNA of it.

So, as long as I was there. When I went to University of California in Berkeley, I didn't get into the music school. They gave me the ear training test and they played eight bars of a tune and transcribe it. They play me an interval, identify it, all this stuff: fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail. I studied instead, mass communication and public policy.

Robert: Mass communication and public policy!

Stewart: That's how I conquered the world.

Robert: Holy crap. Okay.

Stewart: Much more useful. If I had actually gotten into that music department at UC Berkeley, I would now be the timpanist in the Ohio Symphony.

Robert: Okay, so I'm going to try and back you into a corner here for something because you told me you've got a kind of philosophy about something. I forget what the phrase is that you use but something to do with being dumb.

Stewart: The dumb shit.

Robert: There you go. It’s the dumb shit. Okay. Can you just explain that?

Stewart: Well, artists, for instance, have very bad taste in whatever their art form is because we're slobs. The popular music, I hear it and I can dance. I don't mind it, I like it I guess. But what I really seek out are the things that are a little challenging that put a gimp on it that are .... I don’t mind pop music, I love it like everybody else. But what I seek out is something a little beyond and so I'll miss a hit.

My brothers... That's a hit! They can identify it and so on. I'm a little bit further out there. So, when I'm writing music or working on something, my manager will come and say, Stewart, that’s great but what's that? That's the best part! You see...Then like, you call it the best part–sounds like a wrong note to me. Oh. And I have to reconsider–it's the dumb shit. Actually that’s dumb ass. Sorry.

Robert: Dumb ass and dumb shit.

Stewart: Totally different things. Sorry, sorry, forgive me. I’m going to finish dumb ass first. So, he comes in with dumb ass in comprehending, unsympathetic to how many hours I've put into that artistic revelation. I need a dumb ass every now and then to come and pop my bubble and say, “I'm sure it's really on some intellectual plane, I hear what you're saying.” You need your bubble popped every now and then. Every artist needs some dumb ass, usually provided by spouses.

Robert: Okay. Yes. My experience...

Stewart: You get some dumb ass at home? Careful, careful, careful. Who’s in the corner now, bitch?

Robert: Yeah, you got me. Yeah, fair enough. She’s going to kill me.

Stewart: Let's talk dumb shit.

Robert: Dumb shit.

Stewart: Let's get into some dumb shit. A good example of dumb shit. I played the Letterman Show, big national American TV show and it's drum solo week. So I go in to play a drum solo and I have a piece of music that I wrote for a ballet, I work up a chart for the Tonight Show band and they're cracking players, those guys. We work up a thing and play, and I play my drum solo and at the end it took a lot of music to build that thing. Format, the piece of music, the writing, there’s the education writing, the charts that I practice. Years, a life in music went into making that thing–serious application, a vocation. And at the end of it... throw the sticks up there [swishing sound].

Well, go on social media, how'd that go down? It's all about the [swishing sound] Did you see how he threw the drumsticks? Yeah, wow, the drumsticks... That Copeland man it’s like he plays with these... the drumsticks!

It’s the dumb shit. No matter how much vocation went into every other aspect of that performance, it was the dumb shit.

Robert: It is the dumb shit that the audience identified.

Stewart: It’s something that stands out. I mean, I’m sure they were very impressed by everything else, they wouldn't have been impressed by the thing unless they were impressed by all the rest of it subliminally, but the thing that caught their eye and that they're talking amongst themselves about is that odd little piece of nothing, that throwaway little something.

Robert: Okay, so here comes the corner. You like the dumb shit, the audience likes the dumb shit, but you don't write music which is dumb shit. You write music which is not always easily accessible. It can be but not always. It's very intelligent music.

Stewart: You're answering your own question.

Robert: No, I'm not because I don't get it. If you know an audience likes dumb shit, why don't you write dumb shit?

Stewart: Here's the two things going on. Remember how here's the main stream of where everyone else and I'm kind of running parallel and not quite bull's eye level? That's me here, see? All the dumb shit’s here, see? Up here, trying to connect with that thing, occasionally I throw in some dumb shit and that's the connection. And I understand that my music is a little astringent for some, perhaps. What I find to be a comfortable easy place in musical atmosphere might be not... Sort of disturbing or not... People gravitate towards feeling good and what makes me feel good sometimes it makes other people feel sad.

Robert: But why are you not...

Stewart: As a professional film composer, I got pretty good at identifying exactly what chord has... You know, this is happy, that’s sad, this is happy sad, and this is sad. There's a big difference, believe it or not. Now, as a technician, I understand perfectly how to go for this emotion or that emotion but my personal taste is you describe it as being slightly off centre and I'm flattered. I take that as a compliment.

But the dumb shit is to drop the barrier, to break the ice, to welcome aboard... I use it as a way to break the ice. Instead of being alienated... Oh, that was weird. Oh, ha-ha-ha, that's kind of funny at least, or whatever. So, I’d be careful that I have first of all, I do my thing, then I get a little dose of dumb ass... Telling me, dude, this is like a little out there, and then reminded by dumb ass, then I go and apply some dumb shit.

Robert: And then it makes everybody happy.

Stewart: Well, it makes me happy. It seems to work. I've played my... I’ve used it in front of really adverse audiences and seemed to get a result.

Robert: You're so good at answering questions, I genuinely can't tell whether I managed to back you into that corner successfully, or whether you wriggled out of it. But I don’t care. You’re very good at it.

Stewart: That's the briar patch. Please don't throw me into the briar patch. No, not the briar patch. Oh, you're throwing me into the briar patch! No, no, no. Okay.

Robert: Tell me. 20 years’ time, what's the business going to be like? What do you think is going to be happening with orchestras, with pop, rock music? 20 years’ time, what would be your prediction?

Stewart: I don't know how orchestras will survive but I would say that they will probably be branded and that because they have a champagne quality that applies sophistication to a product, that they will be useful as... and hopefully government institutions will recognise the value of here's an art form, here's a body of our culture that cannot sustain itself commercially. It cannot. An orchestra, 60 guys or 90 guys or 110 guys, they cannot sustain themselves as a commercial enterprise. They need either private donations or government donations. Where’s the world going to be in 20 years? I would suspect that orchestras will be, as they are now, be vehicles of what they can do, which is impart dignity upon a product.

Robert: Okay, and what about rock, pop?

Stewart: It will always be here. It always has been, always will be. For rhythm... Simple EAD chords, all the revolutions of music. It’s all about the haircut, change the haircut, change the style of music, first you grow it long and then you cut it short. I remember my mom saying, “Stewart, why can't you have long hair like all the other nice boys and girls?” Because mine was like [scraping sound] peroxide. Everything about my outward appearance said, “Fuck you, I'm going to eat your children.” That was the intent. Whereas I was a little soft little...

Robert: Oh, you were a timid soul inside. Bless you. All right, so that's your prediction. Just jumping back a bit.

Stewart: Well, here's the thing. There will always be rock music because if there isn't rock music, there will not be sex, and if there is not sex, there will not be anybody. It’s a part of our natural process.

Robert: It is now, but what...

Stewart: It always has been.

Robert: Well, you say that, but what about when Beethoven was around?

Stewart: When Beethoven was around was not early.

Robert: Beethoven was the kind of rock music of his day. I mean, he was so challenging when he wrote some of his music, and I'm sure that would have been the element of it.

Stewart: I suspect that Beethoven was not the rock music of his day. I suspect that Beethoven was the pampered servant of rich people and their sophisticated sublimated carnal desires. But out there on the streets of his town, the people were dancing into the streets, not to Bach music. That's my suspicion, I just made that up. That’s going to be a guess. Your readers or your listeners will write in and say, No, no, no, not sex. But I'm sure popular music of his day would have been rhythmic and would have been dancing and would have given the male of the species and the female of the species an opportunity, an impulsion and an audio permission to thrust their pure dander at each other, and to display their genetic superiority through body motion inspired by music. That's what music is.

Mozart? Bach? Those are sophistications like many other of our crocodile- brain behaviours. Are sophisticated and turned into a high form; humans do this. We take fire and we turn it into a jet or the internal combustion engine. That's what we do to fundamental building blocks of physics, that's what we do. And the fundamental building blocks of our music, which is part of our libido, which is part of our mating dance, you can develop that and it turns out the combination of physics, the human mind and sex produces high forms of art. But that's not what's really going on. Those are like the caveman drew on the painting because he had... High art painting is not necessarily where it came from, but that throb, rock ‘n’ roll, Bach was not that. Bach was not rock 'n' roll. He's like the rock star of his time. That's his position in society but that's not the function of his music.

Robert: Yeah, but for instance, Paganini who of course...

Stewart: He was popular.

Robert: Yes, he was like the rock star of his time and he went bankrupt...

Stewart: And Mozart too, by the way, was in the streets and inspired by music the people were actually dancing to.

Robert: And Vivaldi Four Seasons, it's incredible music but...

Stewart: I'm surprised that they have any population in Europe at all. I'm surprised that they’re here... In fact, my whole theory, I'm just here begging to throw it all because I just made it up anyway as I was talking. Out the window. You see, Europe would be depopulated now if they were trying to procreate to the sound of Vivaldi. If that's the only reason humans procreate, is Vivaldi, we would have been fucked.

Robert: That's a brilliant quote. That's going to be the headline quote on this podcast. Great, okay, fine... Who knows, who knows? It’s a prediction about what’s happening in 20 years’ time...

Stewart: Get this. Who would have ever (thought) that the most effective music that gets right to the deepest part and releases all social training and everything and gives young males and young females of our species utter permission is a mechanised rhythm that comes from a machine. [EDM sounds] To the extent that it’s human is to the extent that it's less effective in releasing the libido and permitting these behaviours that would be utterly unacceptable without the presence of a strong beat.

In fact, people standing in a room, they’re not interested in procreating. There's music going but they're not even thinking about it. Their body’s moving to it. There's more to it than meets the eye. There's something deeply physiological, something evolved very deeply in our human behaviour.

Robert: Okay. And you yourself, you live quite a simple life, you don’t have a big empire with 100 orchestrators and...

Stewart: No. I don't have an engineer. I used to. All the people of my generation, their work day begins when the engineer shows up and when the engineer “got to go home to see my family,” then the artist, that's the end of his working day.

Robert: And this is kind of a bit of an ethos of yours, is keep it small, keep it to yourself.

Stewart: Absolutely. The Police was three guys and it was designed that way. I wanted this... Let it be three guys. And I have my own record company that I did my gosh darned self... What's the cheapest studio in London? Pathway, an eight-track studio. Well, let's go there, and I call the guy and I chisel him down. Yes, strip it back and strip it back so that you've got manoeuvrability is the main thing.

Robert: But do you not think though, if you have more people working with you, collaborating, working for you, that you can achieve more in life because more people are doing the stuff that you don't necessarily need to do?

Stewart: Actually, that has been someplace that I'm getting to. I am in the process of arriving at that happy place where I can give it up. All during my young Pac Man years and adulthood, I've always been very greedy of artistic “boss hood.” I want to play every instrument myself, and I want to record everything myself, and I want to mix it myself, and I don't want anything to happen with me out of... I got to be in it, I want to be into everything. The video-I want to make the video, and the video should be like this and it should be... Just like the idea of not owning every aspect of it is kind of alien.

But now with the passage of time, I've discovered that like a producer is really cool because all I have to do is do this and then he has to clean up the tapes and figure it out and do all this stuff. I've learned to give it up, to let other people play with the ball, and the results can be really good. In a band, you collaborate. I'm not talking about a band collaboration because there, it's a corporate identity and I feel that I don't have to do everything in the band, but the band has to do everything. The band has to decide on the album cover, the band has to decide what the video is going to be about. We're not going to have anybody tell us what to... And so in a band, it's a corporate identity. The band is me, it's my band, even though there's two other guys who call it their band. For each of us, it's my thing.

The thing that I will never have, even as much as I'm prepared to give it up artistically, I will never acquire an empire. I have no need and no desire for an empire. I look at fellow composers who have built empires, some very effectively. One of my erstwhile competitors, Hans Zimmer who’s a big film composer and he does incredible work...

Robert: He’s Swiss, of course. Swiss.

Stewart: Is he?

Robert: Yes.

Stewart: Of course, is he? I always thought he was German or Austrian but okay, Swiss. He has an empire. He has 10 guys. He learned to give it up. I don't have to write every bar. Or he writes the theme and I don't have to apply it to this unit, apply that theme to... I can have somebody do it for me, then check it. Then when he's done all the donkey work–of here's the start time, there's the art time, this is the BPM that lands on the chord and does all the... The craftsmanship part of it. He’s written a tune and that’s the art. Then the craftsman applies it to the scene and then the artist comes by and says, okay that works but you know what I'm going to do... And so he gets all the fun part.

But he has to give it up and let other people do it. He has to hire those guys and to hire those guys, he needs an empire, and to feed an empire, he doesn't actually go and get to be an artist as much as I would need to be. He has to take a lot of meetings, he has to get every action picture that's being made, he needs to get that work to sustain his empire. He can't like take a job every now and then like an independent... Like when I was doing that, I was independent. A job every two months would feed my family. He needs every movie being made, he needs to have like three or four Triple A action pictures in his studio being made at all times, or else having that Empire...

Robert: And that doesn’t interest you.

Stewart: In one sense, you can turn things over and like that. On the other sense, running the empire. There's a difference between having an empire and having a collaboration, and letting the creative ball, letting other people play with the ball sometimes.

Robert: Okay and one of your balls, of course, is Ben-Hur, the reason why we’re here. You wrote the music for the live performance that happened and launched at The O2 Arena a few years ago and now you've set it to play and run with the edit you did for the 1925 film. Do you have any other projects and films that you would like to do that? Have you ever seen another silent movie and you’ve thought, I'd love to score a film and... Or is Ben-Hur such a special thing for you that that's the one that's...

Stewart: Well, Ben-Hur came and got me. It was an incoming call to score as a hired gun composer, to score a stage production of Ben-Hur. I did that, the show ran its course. A huge, huge behemoth of a show. Started in The O2 Arena in London and it ran its course. And then I wanted to do the concert and so I found the 1925 film and that became a different journey. It's sort of like it came for me. I didn't select that film.

But other films, I've looked at some other films by Fred Nibler the director, but there’s just such a... It's such a huge... It took three years and it was kind of fun and I could easily do another one. Not right away, because I'm having too much fun with Ben-Hur. I mean, I haven't finished playing Ben-Hur yet. I also write opera, in year three of an opera that I'm writing for Chicago in Long Beach. I'll get around to do another film one day, I suppose.

Robert: Okay. All right. So, last thing. I’m 32-33 actually. I can’t even remember my own age now.

Stewart: You're bit young to be lying about your age, pretending you don't know how old you are.

Robert: What advice would you give somebody like me who is hungry, relatively young, passionate about what I do, and I want to make sure that when I'm a little bit older that I'm still hungry, passionate about what I do? What general sage advice would you give me, because I know you’re like a grand papa...

Stewart: Stu-daddy!

Robert: Stu-daddy! Do you have anything that you look at me, you’ve worked with me now for the past week...

Stewart: Well, I would say having worked over the last week, I would say that you have a couple of gifts that will take you where you want to go. You also have a surfeit of energy which takes you into empire building, we have discussed this. For your viewers, there's a backstory here: I've been lecturing this young man about casting aside the empire and getting on with the music because you don't want to end up like a man who I respect deeply but do not want to be like Hans Zimmer. Where he spends all his time in meetings, having to do the “not music” part of the enterprise.

I would say that at your age, you've got energy to burn, so go ahead build an empire. But I suspect that one day you will start getting that empire out of your life. There’s been a couple of times we've been on the streets, we were on the Swiss Riviera the other day and you're walking around the streets and you're on the phone dealing with something. I don't know what you were dealing with, but it looked important. Without an empire, I don’t have anything to deal with. I'm enjoying the day. [He whistles]

Robert: Very chilled.

Stewart: There you are, young man, young Pac Man.

Robert: Can that be my nickname from now on for you? You just call me Pac Man.

Stewart: Yeah

Robert: I like that. That’s very retro.

Stewart: Well, I have sons, several who are older than you.

Robert: You have seven children.

Stewart: I have seven children.

Robert: Boy.

Stewart: Yeah. Four boys and then three girls, and I'm proud to say that some of my sons are also Pac Men.

Robert: Yeah. So you like Pac Man?

Stewart: Well, that's what I try to raise them to be. At this age, from 25 to 35, that's your chance. Take no prisoners, just remorseless, just bite off as much as you can get and do it while you've got no baggage and just you know... Fight, scramble and then there will come a point where you want to put down roots and take it a bit easier, and that's called midlife crisis.

What the crisis is all about is you realise that that's the peak. That's where your youthful vigour got you and the rest of your life is the result of that 10 years span. That 10 years is setting up what the rest of your life will be. I would say, you asked for a piece of advice, focus your attention on the things that you know you'll still want to be doing–which apply to your gift, not to your acumen.

Robert: Okay. Well, I'll see you tonight on the stage.

Stewart: Absolutely.

Robert: Thanks, mate.

Stewart: We’re going to rock the house.

Robert: Thank you very much.

Stewart: In your bare feet.

Robert: Yeah.

Robert: Hey, it's me again. Sorry to bug you but as this is a new podcast, I need your help.

If you enjoyed listening to the fun I had with Stewart and you'd like more, then please head over to thebackstageblog.com, sign up and receive the next podcast directly to your inbox. It's also crucial that you get as many friends on and off social media to take a listen by sending them a link to the show.

Now, remember, this episode is brought to you with the help of Lat_56, the smart, sharp and efficient baggage company. So, until the next time, appreciate the music and the musicians will appreciate you.

Show notes

Stewart's Father, Miles Copeland Jr., is a spy [03.51]

Key points from Stewart’s childhood [04:45]

His father’s best buddy was Kim Philby, a double-agent. [07:20]

Stewart took up drums partly because he was a late bloomer. [10:03]

Why he believes that music is part of the procreative process of the human being. [12:07]

When his father spotted his talent, Stewart was signed up for drum lessons. [14:00]

The Police was modelled as a punk band and enjoyed huge success after Shea Stadium. [17:02]

A grand aspiration: Stewart would love to conduct a large orchestra. [22:00]

Stewart and Robert strike a deal for the next Tyrant’s Crush performance. [24:04]

The biggest leap from drummer to composer happened when Stewart got a phone call from Francis Ford Coppola. [29:15]

How he failed to get into the music school at University of California, Berkeley. [35:19]

A lesson in Stewart’s philosophy of the dumb shit and the dumb ass. [36:10]

Stewart’s prediction for the music industry in 20 years’ time. [42:16]

Another theory: without rock music, there will not be sex. [44:06]

If the only reason humans pro-create is Vivaldi, we would all be fucked. [47:03]

Stewart has no desire for an empire. [51:10]

Selected links from the episode

thebackstageblog.com

Miles Copeland Jr.

Kim Philby

The Police

The Black Knights

Ben-Hur

Francis Ford Coppola

Shea Stadium

Tyrant’s Crush

Hans Zimmer

Lat_56 

Books, Music and Videos that feature Stewart Copeland

Strange Things Happen: A life with The Police, polo and pygmies - an autobiography from Stewart covering everything you need to know

Dare to Drum - a story of the rock star composer teaming up with the Dallas Symphony Orchestra

Ben Hur live by Stewart Copeland - a CD performed by the Slovak National Symphony Orchestra

Orchestralli (+ bonus) - a 2 disk set of Copeland performing in concert with a select group of classical musicians on tour in Italy

Gizmodrome - a record of Copeland’s latest band, featuring Mark King (Level 42), Adrian Belew (ex King Crimson, David Bowie, Frank Zappa, Talking Heads) and Vittorio Cosma (PFM and Elio e le Storie Tese).

The Police: Everyone Stares - The Police Inside Out - DVD filmed on Super-8 giving an insider’s view of the band’s rise to fame and eventual split.

Related & Recommended Posts

[madluv]

Honestly, as far as Harley being sexualized, I wouldn't have minded as much if it wasn't so obvious that it was the only goal of the new costume. It barely even resembles a CLOWN (much less a harlequin, making the her redundant). Harley can be sexual if she wants and has been in reasonable amounts, but her sole purpose in the film more or less being eye-candy aggravates me, too. (Besides, if they wanted sexy, what's sexier that's a skintight jester suit? Clearly, Ayer was trying too hard.)

Okay here we go, here’s my two cents on this entire subject, idk if we’re ready for this…….

now, the thing with Harley Quinn is, part of her uniqueness came from not being inherently “sexy” at all. her entire demeanour and appearance was designed to be endearing and ultimately, cute. this, at the time of her conception set her apart from a literal MASS of sexualised female characters, something the comic book world has always been guilty of, with every female having the same seductive facial features, same body, same huge breasts, same overly sexual seductive behaviours when faced with their male counterparts… which, sure, is an issue on its own and I’m not going to go into that here.

my point is harley was different, she was designed differently, her face was different and even her mannerisms and actions and poses were different to the other female cartoons in the same show. she appealed HUGELY to a female fanbase due to this uniqueness and less male-gazey approach to her character. being cute, funny and endearing in the comic world for a female character was a rarity – and female fans latched onto her from the moment of her first appearances because she differed from the predictable norm in the comic book world. girls and women latched onto harley because she was a better representation, more relatable, more fleshed out through her quirks than her appearance design.

and I resent the repeated arguement that Harley Quinn was always a sexual character. using examples like her normal dress sense ( crop tops and shorts ) or her sexual interest in the Joker ( or Ivy for that matter ) makes her predominantly overtly sexual. she wasn’t. her character was flirtatious sure, but sexually amped? no. she was far more focused on the idealised view of traditional romance, wining, dining, marriage and family than anything particularly sexual. this idea of harley came much, much later with severe appearance changes and personality changes to sexualise her. and this isn’t to say harley hasn’t had her sexy moments, like every woman on earth has, or hadn’t a sexual appetite as people do. but it predominantly was not huge defining part of her character like it is today, it was balanced and not the entirety of her personality or image.

some of Harley Quinn’s personality traits were also negative ( but still important and well fleshed out ) as the Joker’s clingy, needy, jealous girlfriend. they gave her a lot of traits that aren’t viewed sexually. she rejected and was violent towards leery men as opposed to playing on it. she was jealous of women who acted sexually towards the joker ( or even if they didn’t.) she was threatened by sexual behaviour that wasn’t within her control or boundaries she felt secure where she ( may have sometimes wrongfully ) felt loved and wanted. these of course all being relatable traits despite not being inherently good ones. because of this harley quinn was an easy character to connect to. both her cute and endearing demeanour, and her very obvious flaws. she was beloved because of this from the beginning.

however, she has gone from being the round-eyed, clumsy, funny and cute character, to one that licks the rusty bars of her prison cell provocatively. she is represented in scenes wherein the joker ( playing a game or not ) comes off as a pimp in their relationship. we get ass shots, pointless scenes where she unclothed or barely clothed for the sole point of “sexy”, a brief scene with her in nothing but underwear in a moment of madness ( i’ll go into this piece of awful in a moment… ) we see her void of her previous personality to make way for obvious sexualization. and we can’t just blame david ayer and suicide squad for this. DC made the deliberate effort to make her the new Joker Lite come new 52 – but instead of being an exact replica of the joker, we see her sexualized constantly because she is a female character. this wasn’t, for the majority of harley’s existence, not a part of her character or personality – and they altered her image and personality so drastically to make room for what was blatant sexualization. even her harley quinn cartoon had ass shots, I mean, really? c’mon. it’s so blatant that I don’t see how this can even be argued at this point with the character – other than for those who didn’t really know her prior to these changes.

now when we talk about women owning their sexuality, we are talking about real women, with real choices. here we are talking about a character that has, for the most part, not been an inherently sexual character, to one that has been altered by writers, artists and now a director and art team to absolutely be so. concept art alone ( regardless of the final product ) had her legs spread open on a gurney during a scene of torture. in the suicide squad novel we are told that she is a sex-starved animal. even the joker, who I don’t believe is very sexual AT ALL, views her as a sexual object. She isn’t even the same character anymore. it’s not even they’ve just amped up her image to appeal sexually – they’ve completely and utterly changed her in her entirety. all of her previous uniqueness and quirks have been stripped away to make room for this new image.

and there are serious problems here. ESPECIALLY with the movie, with her acting far more sporadic and Crazy (trademark) than what we’ve known prior. putting her mental health so obviously at the forefront, while making her also a sexual object, is obviously wrong on so many levels I won’t even go into it right now. it’s obvious, it’s not a great choice, certainly not a well-thought out one. the fact that the joker himself practically uses her mental vulnerability for sexual gain is – well, frankly disgusting. while we’re equally sold that “this time we finally see the joker in love!” i’m not even going to go into how they’ve altered the joker to fit this sexually charged narrative into their story because that’s another massive rant all of it’s own.

and like you said, there’s nothing “clown-like” performance like, or Harley-like about her anymore. she’s a new character practically, save for the name – using age-old tropes that at this point, should have died a death in both comics and cinema. I could speak on this with more detail and more resources, but honestly, I’m sick of the manhandling of her character, her image, and then to be fed the utter lie that it is somehow empowerment so we can swallow it better. I’m not an idiot, I can see what they’ve done and frankly, I do not appreciate the complete ruin of one of my favourite characters to adhere to the male gaze.

[caemec]

To what would a best friend relation with boys look like ? (part 2) (Eldarya)

Hi guys ! Here is the part 2 of the headcanon for the Eldarya boys.

Ugh, I am so sorry for the delay, to tell you everything I had a few weeks of lack of motivation and ideas, but I will try to make it better from now on. I hope that post will be correct enough, I’m not really satisfied with it. I am so sorry if you feel that way too, just tell me and one day I will update it !

Part 1 (here) : Nevra - Ashkore - Leiftan

Part 2 : Chrome - Valkyon - Ezarel

Enjoy ! 

Chrome

In general ? 

You babysit that little brother all days and nights. He is an unbereable little nosey parker, and you will definitively have to deal with his mood swings. A single word could be enough to start a verbal fight, and you both finish to argue in the middle of the canteen, maybe even in front of a whole gathering. If you claimed your maturity before, since people see you with Chrome by your side, no one believes you anymore.

Yet, you couldn’t find a better friend to make stupid and childish challenges, to pace up and down the Guard’s corridors with a way too obvious innocent smile to not alert people around you, or to plan a revenge against Nevra or Ezarel (which will honestly fail each single time). You wanted a troublemaker in your life ? It is now done. But it’s worth it, because he’s a good and kind boy at heart. You are a sister to him, you’re his chosen family.

You are in couple ? 

Honestly, Chrome could encourage you to go out with Nevra. Just because he hopes that his chief guard would be nicer to him, the "adorable best friend and first man in his girlfriend's heart". He can be so annoying with that, and clearly, whoever you like, he will be that jerk who raises eyebrows multiple times and smirks each time the person is near from you. Without any discretion, obviously, or it wouldn’t be funny.

BUT. If someone even dare to think to hurt you, his best friend, the puppy will show he also can be a real and very dangerous werewolf. People don’t mess with your feelings, by extension, they hurt him too. You want revenge ? He’s your man for that, he even has some not really legal contacts (episode 17) to help.

He is in couple ? 

It would probably be his first relationship ever, and he is the cutest little thing you ever saw when he speaks about it. Be ready for the classic big sister speech. He doesn’t feel at ease, is a total mess in front of you, speaking about it will make him blush as never before. All those emotions together, and you already can predict he will finish to be upset and yell at you for no reason, before escape and go to his bedroom. Poor lovey-dovey child.

But don’t worry, he will come back really fast. Chrome is maybe the one who needs the most your advices and your presence. You can reassure him when he doubts, and if people start to understand what happens to him, you will have to be his new bodyguard for a while. Keep an eye on Ezarel, he will never let Chrome in peace after that, and if Nevra comes to him with so-called seduction advices, don’t. Trust. Him.

From “best friends” to “more than friends”? 

Huh, he’s like what, fifteen ? When our main character is way much older and legally an adult ? It’s a major no no here.

Valkyon

In general ?

The sweet, shy and kind Valkyon has no secret for you anymore. That was quite hard, we have to be honest, he’s not the most talkative and extrovert guy in the world. But somehow, you managed to find how he operates, and respect his way to do so. It is why you must have a particularly strong and unique relationship. He is probably a good balance between the fun part of the friendship and the seriousness you both need sometimes. One of the best when you need to evacuate some bad feelings, thanks to his practically forced trainings.

BUT. Be careful. Valkyon can be the devil in a pretty package. We all know that he can be as cynical and playful as Ezarel. The difference between them ? Ezarel uses the irony to protect himself, while with Valkyon, it is a proof he is comfortable in your presence. Still, he would never be an asshole or cross the line, he learned so much about you since you arrived, and despite your relation, he still stays respectful. 

You are in couple ?

Finally a sane best friend who will not try to kill your partner, or at least traumatize him/her. He would never be like that, he considers you as an adult, you are able to make your own choices, and since it is your couple and not his, he doesn't have to be involved more than what you decide. Still, he stays quite curious, and will clearly love to hear some funny anecdotes from time to time. 

He is also the one who will talk about your behaviour with a total honesty, always thinking of your happiness first. You messed up and has to go apologize immediately ? You take an argue too much to heart ? You should think twice about the sincerity of your Partner ? He will let you know all of that, still with so much kindness and concern that even if he raises a sensitive issue, you couldn’t be mad at him.

He is in couple ?

He is so secretive, so he would probably avoid to talk about that at the beginning. But as the person he trusts the most, he needs to confide in you. You would have to remember him that he is as attractive and full of beautiful details as the other men in the HQ. If there is one subject where he can be insecure, it is the trust, and yet to make a relationship working, you need to lower the guard. Not easy to do for someone like Valkyon.

Actually, for once, it wouldn’t be you who would have the reasons to be jealous, but the other girl. He is probably quite exclusive, can talk about you for a long time, even during a date with someone else, without understand that he destroys his chances. He is too pure and loves you too much to not talk about you, a whole part of his life. Well, how to tell him...

From “best friends” to “more than friends” ?

If you finish in that situation, you would officially be the cutest persons ever. It would be all about shy looks, blushing face, insecure smiles and a light embarassment when you touch each other or have sweet words. People are all “aww” around you, and they all see the truth, when you are still searching why you act like a teenager in front of your best friend, until the day someone will let out a “you two would make a great couple”.

It would probably take time for you to decide to be more than friends, in part because of your desire to do right. But isn’t it the best way to discover each other in a new light ? One thing is clear, with Valkyon, you will always pass first, and you will definitively feel it. How lucky you are.

Ezarel

In general ? 

You already wanted to kill Ezarel before ? Well, since he is your best friend, you officially plan to resurrect him, just to kill him a second time. Ezarel as a best friend, how to say... he's the kind, if you fall, to laugh so hard he will wake up the next morning with a painful jaw (karma). Don't expect for a "are you okay?", he reserves politeness to normal people. You are way too close to him to receive that kind of treatment. Ezarel’s logic, he is merciless with people he cherishes the most.

Of course, you will never have the time to be bored, he will always have a new prank or a stupid joke to try, and as his best friend, you are also his official test subject. He has a reputation to maintain, so consider yourself as a part of his success. Pranking him still stays dangerous for your life, in part because you can identify better than anyone else his weaknesses (and he clearly doesn’t like that).

You are in couple ? 

Let's be clear. For Ezarel, at the moment he will learn the good news, your crush will officially become his new favourite target. That's a serious reason to break up with you, by the way. People could even avoid you during parties, when he is too close from where you are to make the situation safe enough.

In case of broken heart emergency, he will have is own particular way to treat the situation. Don’t expect for a lot of affection, he is upset by what happened, and will basically evacuate it... on you. A tears session ? He will react with a “just kick his ass once for all and stop crying on my shoulder”. If you need advices, start to ask to other persons too, because clearly, Ezarel will not make the best psychologist ever. It is just that he is really angry, in part against himself to not be able to help you correctly. However, if your ex crosses his way when he is alone... Let’s just say that he has never exercised his cynical and bitchy art better than that day. Classical Ezarel, acting in your back to make you smile again, while pretending nothing happened. 

He is in couple ? 

Huh... What ? You probably missed an episode (or even a whole season), because you weren’t aware at all of that kind of... stuffs ? Obviously, he will just let you know he has someone, between two potions, without telling you the name. It’s so much more fun to imagine you searching with anger than just explain the truth. He suddenly becomes close with everyone, just to lead you on wrong cluses. What a child. But you also know he acts like that to avoid to speak seriously about his feelings. Introvert guy until the end.

If he can manage his relation alone, you will have a moral support to bring when he goes too far with his jokes or upset his partner. With Ezarel, that means you will have a lot of work to do. I can understand if you start being jealous. He’s not easily really close to other people, and is totally that kind of guy who has unique relations with everyone. That’s a bit rude to live sometimes, but hold on and talk to him, he will understand it’s quite important for you to be reassured.

From “best friends” to “more than friends” ? 

With anyone else, you would normally see a seduction game from really far, thanks to a sudden tendency to tease each other much more than usual. But with that guy, it is absolutely impossible to take that as a repair. Look closer to his way to do it. Is it still innocent, or does he tease you about your ex, your way to dress, his remarks about little habits you unconsciously have (like biting your lips in front of a troubled Ezarel). Here are your signs.

He maybe could be the most playful of all the boys. Each single step to lead to the couple status will be a source of joy and fun to him. It can honestly be fatiguing and can upset you from time to time, because you don’t operate the same way and at the same rhythm than him. You could think he plays with your feelings more than anything else. Let him understand if he goes too far, it will be the only safe way to manage the whole situation.

💫 Masterlist 💫

[dramaqueensjokerkings]

what are your top 3 castle episodes in each season?

Hey, Anon. I’m sorry It took this long, but this is a longass post and it needed to be done with a lot of thought. Took me like 2 hoursto write. So first of all, how dare you make me choose. :P Loved writing itthough. Disclaimer: I love the dark anddangerous ones the best. But the equal serving of light-hearted moments is thereason this show, in my opinion, will forever be the best show on the planet tome. And that’s just my opinion, so no hate. I probably missed a lot of episodestbh.

Season 1 (Pilotseason. Changed the course of my life.)

EP-1: ‘Flowers forYour Grave’: For obvious reasons. I fell in love with the show from thefirst second. (Note: The line “You have no idea.” With that signatureKate Beckett lip-bite? I swooned.)

Tie between EP-4: ‘Hell Hath No Fury’: Castle reading “N-no one, will see my tears…” while thoroughly distracted byBeckett’s stunning appearance in that red-dress™ will never get old.

And EP-5: ‘A Chill Goes Through Her Veins’: Wesee Caskett playing house and building theory for the first time. CUTE™

EP-3: ‘Hedge FundHomeboys’: It’s the first time we see Kate Beckett take down a bad boy.

Season 2 (The onewith the line: “You smell like cherries.”)

Do the two-parters count as 1? Yes.

EP-17&18: ‘TickTick Tick…Boom!’: I loved the idea of a serial killer coming after thereal-life version of a fictional character. There were so many layers of guiltand emotion in this one.

EP-13: ‘SuckerPunch’: Our first real look intoBeckett’s mother’s case. And we get Beckett saying she would like Castle to bearound when she solves it. *heart eyes*

EP-12: ‘A RoseForever After’: The first time I shipped Castle with anyone other thanBeckett. Intense.  (Note: Lanie shows herself to be theembodiment of the entire fandom with the line “Honeyy, just because youdon’t see what’s going on, doesn’t mean everyoneelse can’t see what’s going on!” and Stana’s improvised “Shuut upp!” gets me every time.)

Season 3 (MYFAVOURITE SEASON and the one where Beckett has the best hair)

There are so many on here I can’t choose. That’s why, in noparticular order:

EP-6: ‘3XK’: Thebeginning of a saga. This was a twist I did not see coming.

EP-13: ’Knockdown’:CASKETT KISS. CASKETT KISS. CASKETT KISS. Even if it wasn’t real, in the wordsof Castle: “That was amazing!”

EP-14: ‘Lucky Stiff’:Solely because we get to see Beckett drive a Ferrari (HOT) and go clubbingundercover. Martha (Castle’s mother) has a significant arc in this episode,loved that.

EP-21: ‘The DeadPool’: We get to see jealous writer Castle and Beckett thinking it’s oh sosweet. “From now on I’m a one writergirl.” *SQUEAL*

EP-16&17: ‘Setup’& ‘Countdown’: Castle andBeckett GO ROGUE FOR THE FIRST TIME. I SCREAMED.

EP-22: ‘To Love andDie in LA’: Rogue Beckett appears again, goes to LA, and Castle followswithout hesitation!! I love Rogue Beckett. She’s my favourite. So intense. Plus, this is when she finally realises she might be falling hard for this guy.AND we get to see Kate undercover in a swimsuit? HOT.

EP-24: ‘Knockout’:“I LOVE YOU, KATE.”  (This episode also had the biggest twist everregarding her mother’s case. I gaped for ten minutes straight.)

(Honorary Mention: EP-5:‘Anatomy of a Murder’: A weird Grey’s parody but ended up being one of thesweetest cases, which included Castle’s mother confirming that Beckett was histrue love. LOL.)

Season 4 (SO MUCHANGST IN THIS SEASON. IT FELT TOXIC)

EP-1: ‘Rise’: Somany emotions. Castle’s the one who gets to be mad this time. Loved all thecryptic messages in their conversation on the swings. And the way he gets herto stop going down the rabbit hole again? Beautiful.

EP-9: ‘Killshot’:PTSD Kate Beckett was fascinating to watch. Stana Katic deserved an Emmy forher performance in this one.

EP-23: ‘Always’: “What do you want, Kate?”  “You.”  I DIED OKAY? I DIED. (This episode also hadROGUE BECKETT and HIGH EMOTIONS.)

(Honorary Mention: EP-21: ‘Headhunters’: It was fun to seeCastle flounder with an aggressive cop while Castle and Beckett silentlydrifted away just before the finale. In the end, Beckett comes through anywayand saves his sorry ass because she always has Castle-Man-child’s backapparently. Heart-warming.)

 Season 5 (THEY’REFINALLY TOGETHER. YAY!)

EP-1: ‘After theStorm’: WE SEE BECKETT’S MOTHER’S KILLER. And more Rogue Beckett. Love thefact that she gave Bracken a scar across the face.

EP-5: ‘ProbableCause’: The return of 3XK. I love these episodes. They’re the ones with thebest writing. The ending though: “Youshot him. He’s dead. It’s over.”  “…Fornow.”

EP-13: ‘Recoil’:Beckett finds herself protecting her mother’s killer. HA LOVED THAT, and thedeath glares she kept giving him the entire episode.

(Honorary mentions: EP-15&16: ‘Target’ & ’Hunt’: LIAM NEESON CASTLE FOR THE WIN,and Alexis is a badass in her own right.And EP-24: ‘Watershed’: “Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marryme?”   DIED DEAD. DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. SECOND HAPPY FINALE IN A ROW? I couldn’t believe it.)

Season 6 (I love but also feel kinda weird aboutthis one)

EP-9: ‘Disciple’:All the doppelganger victims and chaos turn out to be 3XK’s doing (kinda). KellyNeiman gave me chills. (Even though she spent the entire episode gushing aboutBeckett’s gorgeous face, I mean who wouldn’t?) “We’ll meet again. Don’t know where, don’tknow when.”

EP-17: ‘In the Belly of The Beast’: This isone of those episodes where Beckett is at her sharpest, and own her own. One ofmy all-time favourite episodes. The ending was unexpected; gave me chills.

EP-22: ‘Veritas’:SHE FINALLY CLOSES HER MOTHER’S CASE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? IT WAS WAY TOOSATISFYING TO WATCH. ALSO, WHAT A TWIST THAT WAS. Poetic justice indeed. And of course, the entire episode is just ridden with Rogue Beckett moments, whichyou know I love.

(Honorary Mention:EP-7: ‘Like Father, Like Daughter’:An Alexis centric episode that I ABSOLUTELY loved. I’ve always regarded Castle’srelationship with his daughter as GOALS, so this one highlighted that, theintelligent side of Alexis, and Beckett’s insecurity- that was a great touch.Very real.)

Season 7 (Thelast season according to me)

EP-6: ‘The Time ofOur Lives’: Castle wakes up in a world where he never met Beckett and we get tosee her crush on him for a second time. CUTE™ and puts things into perspectivefor everyone. THEY’RE FINALLY MARRIED. YAY.

EP-14&15: ‘Resurrection’& ‘Reckoning’: 3XK and KellyNeiman are BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER. Too bad, Castle and Beckett beat them at their own game. EXTREME CASTLE ANDBADASS BECKETT IN ONE EPISODE. I WAS CRYING. 3XK finally goes down after like…4years. Amazing.

EP-23: ‘Hollander’sWoods’: This one just tied up the entire series in a bow. We got to seewhat made Beckett who she was, and this one shows Castle’s own can of worms. Ilike to think that this was the perfect ending to the show, but hey season 8was great too.

Season 8 (Theloopy one)

EP-1: ‘XY’: Thisone and the one after were both extremely wild rides from start to finish.CAPTAIN Beckett on the run is very intense to watch.

EP-12: ‘The BlameGame’: More like a psychological thriller. Exposes the different kind ofhumans and their thinking process. I loved seeing the roles Caskett played whenfaced with mortal danger without each other. They always seem to be wordlesslyin sync. I wish I had their beautiful brains too.

EP-22: ‘Crossfire’:Even though this was kind of a sloppy ending to Castle’s disappearance andLOKSAT and finally putting an end to Kate’s can of worms, the twists continuedto keep me on my toes. Plus, the Senator-Beckett-with-three-kids prediction came true and thatsatisfied me to no end.

 The one thing I absolutely LOVED in season 8 was Alexisbeing a full grown competent adult with a brain just as sharp as her father’s.And the introduction of Hayley, who more or less SAVED the season with her wit.

(I wish this show never ended to be honest, but when theycancelled Stana for season 9, I knew I couldn’t watch anymore. I’m glad theynever got the chance to do that, with abc cancelling them and all.)

Okay enough of the past. I hope you watch their new stuff, anon! Jon Huertas (Esposito) is on the show This is Us, which is BEAUTIFUL and deserves an Emmy tbh. And now Stana Katic (Kate Beckett) is the lead in Absentia, which is on its way to becoming another one of my favorites. It’s very intense, and her acting is brilliant, obviously. Not to mention, Jon and Seamus Dever (Ryan) are now an actual musical duo (i always loved their bromance tbh) called shayjeanmusic! They’ll be releasing music soon! Nathan Fillion…well…he was in Cars 3! I don’t know what future plans he’s got though. I’d love to watch anything new of his too. 

[kootenaygoon]

So, 

I thought it was never going to stop raining.

The deluge hammered against the roof of my RAV with monotonous intensity, leaving me shivering in a womb-like echo chamber. My mind was in chaos, still unwinding from the three or four different drugs I’d taken over the course of the days previous at Shambhala. I’d given myself Sunday to recover, and so far I’d slept right up until 3 in the afternoon. All the windows were collecting giant globules of perspiration, and I watched them with fascination as the rain finally began to break. I crab-walked over to the side door and let myself out to take a glorious piss into the yellow grass. As I let loose, I gazed up at the slope across from the parking lot and admired my surroundings. My mind was buzzing, working at a puzzle I didn’t know how to solve.

That story the parking attendant told me had upset me on a pretty deep level, that seemed plain. I was shaking with a low-simmering rage. I’d come to terms over the years with the fact that I have this particular trigger when it comes to any situation involving sexual violence. Ever since Trent. But the systematic abuse that he was describing, the shit these shithead DJ-types were getting away with? That shit was enraging me. It made me feel like going rogue, vigilante-style. I was ready to get Medieval on somebody’s ass.

“The thing about the gun, is you don’t even need to use it,” said Andrew Stevenson, who was suddenly leaning against the car beside me. He was rubbing a rag along the shaft of his shotgun with a smirk on his face. 

“All you have to do is show it to them, and suddenly you’ve got respect.”

I nodded, taking in his logic. “Did you hear I’m writing a magazine article about you? I tried getting ahold of you in prison, even. They said you declined my interview.”

He shrugged. He was man of few words.

This sullen bank robber had fascinated me from the day I arrived in Nelson, now here he was right in front of me. I knew he grew up in Salmo, right near Shambhala, and that his family was still in that area. He’d developed his addiction to oxy trying to treat his chronic arthritis, and the situation escalated until he resorted to robbing pharmacies and banks. The Nelson Police had calculated his addiction so accurately that they were able to predict the date of the robbery in which they caught him beforehand. It was incredible.

“What did you say the magazine was called?” he mumbled. I could tell he was flattered, even if he wouldn’t admit it. He must’ve been lonely in prison. “Was it French?”

“Maisonneuve.”

“And how come some fancy magazine gives a shit about my problems?

I explained to him that I was trying to engage with the larger story of addiction, in the midst of the opioid crisis, and illustrating through his particular story the impacts it had on the community. He grimaced as I said all this, then looked away. Obviously it was a touchy subject. He sat down at Niles’ campsite fifteen feet away and poured himself a whiskey, the shotgun laying at his feet. Like he was daring for me to pick it up.

“That stunt you pulled, pretending you broke your legs? That shit is legendary,” I said. “I mean, I know it’s not funny but it’s kind of funny.”

He smiled, but that smile quickly died. “I was trying to see my kids. In that moment, when I was running, I wasn’t thinking about anything else but my kids. You know they’re going to go ten years without me?”

I nodded. “Yeah, they told me.”

“The way I feel is, I may have done some things wrong in my life, but they pushed me to my breaking point. You understand? The game’s rigged.”

“Holy shit,” I said. “Are you quoting The Wire?”

He nodded. “It’s my favourite show.”

I couldn’t believe it. “Dude, The Wire is my favourite show too. My favourite season is four, what’s yours?”

“Three.”

That was the thing that fascinated me so much about Andrew Stevenson. He would live the rest of his life like a Patrick Swayze bank robber, whether he was proud of himself or not, and we were roughly the same age. Years earlier one of my favourite books had been Crowbar in the Buddhist Garden by bank robber Stephen Reid. He was one of my literary heroes. I loved the shots of him mustachioed and young, a shotgun tossed over one shoulder. I knew I would never be capable of breaking that bad, that these guys were operating on a level far beyond what I was capable of. Violence scared me.

“So who’s your favourite character?” I asked.

He laughed. “Do you even have to ask?”

“Omar?”

He nodded, swung his shotgun towards the sky and fired it. “Omar’s coming!”

I panicked, looking all around us. “Dude, you can’t just fire a gun around here. This is a fucking music festival.”

The Kootenay Goon

[laberliga]

La Berliga Captain Interviews and Season Preview

  La Berliga is back and better than ever.  Games start on Saturday 15th, and we are here to give you a season preview and talk to the captains of all La Berliga teams.  Some have some interesting answers and opinions, so leave your responses below if you disagree with any of the controversial takes. Season Preview Birrareal dominated last season and easily won the league, but Shaktar Donuts took home both cups.  But, the new season allows for endless possibilities, and every team begins on a level playing field.  Will a new team step up, or will we see familiar faces lifting trophies? Only time will tell. We'll take a look at the first round of matches to see what we can expect from a restart of La Berliga play. First, we will see Shaktar Donuts take on Atletico Madrink.  Shaktar Donuts struggled during league play, but they played superbly in the cups and won a double of cup trophies.  Atletico Madrink was higher in the table, but they were unable to challenge for the title.  Both teams will be hungry to improve on last season, and Fubles is predicting a tight match for them to start the season. Next, Werder Beermen face the reigning champions Birrareal.  Birrareal were unstoppable in the league last season, and a big win streak at the beginning of the season held off the rest of the pack.  Werder Beermen only placed sixth last season, so the smart money would be on Birrareal, but it is a whole new season.  Fubles seems to think it is someone else's time to shine, and they picked Werder Beermen as slight favorites. Finally, Pathetic Bilbao versus Real Social Dads rounds out the first day of matches.  Pathetic Bilbao was the closest competitor to Birrareal's dominance, but ultimately they came up just short and finished second place.  It was Real Social Dads first season, and their fourth-place finish did the proud.  This time out, it looks like Real Social Dads have a slight edge in the prediction.     Here are the six questions we asked each team's captain: What does La Berliga mean to you? Who will lift the coveted league championship this year? Who is the best/worst player in La Berliga? Who is the worst team in the league? What was the greatest moment in La Berliga history? Who is the best drinker in La Berliga?   Birrareal Breaking legs friendly and drinking beer According to betwin, Birrareal is given 1,1 The stats say half truth: Me and Scicchitano The others Semifinal of last season cup Montagner, when he comes Pathetic Bilbao Old and new friends playing football having fun together. Pathetic Bilbao, obviously. I won't answer to this, there are newcomers, who knows. Us but we will win anyway Dinner together. Me. Atletico Madrink LaBerliga combines the best of the two worlds of players - the hobby players and the ones, who are willing to die on the field! After the second place in the first season, MaDrinkers are thirsty to go for the first! Worst player is the one, who watches the opponents making the goals Best player is the one, who fights until the end and does the best for his team Worst team is the one, which do not play as a team and count on good technical players only. When you determined and possess the will, as a team you can start from the bottom and become the first! MaaDrinkers of course, especially, Pedro and Stefano The Real Social Dads Football and beer combination Shakhtar Best: Carlos, Worst: Me Birrareal to have a dinner and a lot of beer after the game Alex Werder Beermen Running after a rolling ball to forget the hangover; searching for a free slot during the week and despairing because of the free slots on Friday; kicking friends with a jersey of different colour and yelling against the other ones; giving everything like a pro on the pitch and remembering why you pay to play at the end; drinking as many beers as possible after the match to have a reserve of alcohol to dispose the next week. Werder…we have the man, who controls the money…Claudio “il padrino” Chiacchia So many good players are there…best “sorry for delay”: Carlos; best flying-man: Luca (the young-one); best shower-man: Matteo Pastori; best ass-to-kick: Gulam; best video-maker: Anton; best group-creator on “what’s up”: Hugo; best questions-maker: Angelo; best answers-man: me! In the league, Shaktar…they always wait for the cup! The time when Frank took us to the S-bahn stop with the bobofuego minibus! (second one, the moment Domenico lost his first match!) Shaktar Donuts LaBerliga was in the first period here in a new city, and it’s still today, the chance to get in contact with new great people. Some of them became a sort of friendship and it is the main goal of our tournament. Have fun, play football and meet new interesting people! Of course my team...let’s do the triplete this season! My favourite one is my amulets Benjamin “strip one” Campana...shaktar’s cantera Worst player: probably the one that after have committed a foul doesn’t apologise Worst team: the one where Domenico capotorto plays The greatest moment: the first day of the past season when we got the new shirts and took some pics of the starting season Best drinker: Fabio pescante , my radler’s mate #expats #soccer #berlin #berliga Read the full article