#(unless im missing something major which is very unlikely and not really worth worrying about i dont think)
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been a while since ive had a spell of anxiety bad enough i genuinely can't tell how much im overreacting
#like AM i overreacting? almost certainly. are the REASONS for being anxious valid? might be tbh!! but then again maybe not#i really really hate this. i hate not being able to judge what is Reasonable what is Rational. most of the time although i cant dispel#the anxiety i can still on another level know that it is irrational and that tempers the effects. not this timeeeee#meeting with my mentor tomorrow im going to try to get things as clear as i can to move forward i just dont know if ill be able to make#myself explain how ive been feeling because im genuinely afraid ive been wasting both of our time by not taking enough initiative#like i think he thinks im much busier than i actually am but i have no idea what he thinks im Doing because he hasnt given me all that much#to do#(unless im missing something major which is very unlikely and not really worth worrying about i dont think)#but regardless i spend a Lot of my time just sort of whiling it away looking at literature that isnt really relevant scrolling thru shit i#dont care about on linkedin staring into space etc#and now the big meeting for the program is coming up and we still havent done the experiment we originally set out to do#and i really honestly think i couldve made more progress by now if id just decided to take things more into my own hands#but for some reason that didnt really occur to me until fairly recently and now it feels like too little too late#idk idk tbf im pretty sure most of the other people in this program have said they feel like they arent prepared for the meeting either#but like im unprepared for REAL for real and i know i couldve taken steps before now to avoid that#and yeah it comes down to feeling like ive wasted time and resources that couldve been used better by someone else#because they SHOULD be used i dont hate my job i dont hate the project or the program i think theyre all worth while#but somehow im just not transferring that into my day to day#BLEH. maybe hopefully i can get on a clearer track for the next month or so at least with this meeting tomorrow#personal tag
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