#(which while almost understandable jules had every right to react the way she did. you can even say she underreacted)

[trnstlnticism]

liar, paramore // shawn spencer & juliet o’hara in psych 7x07 // the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, taylor jenkins reid

[sunjaesol]

because your kiss is on my list

alternatively: four times juke snuck up on each other for affection and the one time they didn’t have to | based on the achingly beautiful fanart by @lovelyrugbee

1. 

Luke was being manic again. And not in a cute: “Oh my God, he’s so passionate about music!”-way, but in a: “He might actually tear his eyes out from these infuriating lyrics that aren’t working”-way. Every once in a while, songs didn’t flow out as easily as they usually did. The topic was a bit trickier, or the instrumentals didn’t mesh, or something was just off. Julie wasn’t too stressed about it. They had plenty of time to rework and fix things before the gig in two weeks. 

Unfortunately, Luke didn’t have the same mindset. 

He has been holed up in the studio all day, cramped on the windowsill to the point of submitting himself to a hernia and scrapping writing scrapping scrapping scrapping. The sound was infuriating, Alex being the first to poof out and Reggie following soon after when Ray became far more interesting than a guitarist going haywire. Which was sad, cause her dad was just unloading groceries. 

Alright. She had to do something. Standing at the doors of studio with a somewhat amused expression, she took in as her boyfriend was oblivious to the world and her. In any other situation, he’d notice and compliment the orange dress she was wearing. She thought about calling his name, maybe singing or jamming her fingers on the piano, but then a better idea came. A fun one.

Quietly slipping closer, a mischievous grin crawled on her lips. Thank God she was barefoot, or else her sneakers would’ve squeaked against the cement floors. He still hasn’t noticed her, the pinch between his brow so deep and lost in thought. 

Three, two, one... 

“Ah!”, she cried out like a warrior, snapping her arms around him from behind and snatching the damned songbook from his grasp. Before he could react, she smacked a wet kiss on his cheek and added a “Mwah!” for good measure. 

The startled Luke began chuckling, trying to get his book back, her peppering more kisses on his cheek in retaliation. He had to get out of this funk! Breathe a little! Turning his cheek to look at her, he smirked. “Sneaking kisses now, Jules?”

Julie hummed against his skin, eyes sparkling. Whispering in his ear, she said: “Stop breaking your head over these lyrics and relax. We have time.” 

His smile softened, gaze tracking the way she hugged him and then- “I like the dress you’re wearing.”

Ah, yes. There he was. 

2. 

Julie Molina truly made the afterlife less boring and a whole lot more bearable. Which became really apparent whenever she had an avalanche of homework and couldn’t hang out. Luke loved his boys, but damn did he miss his girlfriend a lot now. If the situation were different (you know, had he not been head over heels in love with her), he’d poof up to her room and annoy her until she came to the studio. Alas, he respected his girlfriend and her interest in getting good grades, so he had to deal with it. 

Bleh. “Dealing with it” was like a curse word to him. 

He hasn’t seen her all day though. She left early for school and didn’t pass by the studio when she got back. All he needed was a quick look and talk and maybe a hug and then he wouldn’t be so antsy. 

(What he’d give to wrestle her into cuddling right now. He was honestly blessed he found a girl who saw all of his need for affection and then gladly gave triple the amount.)

Yup. Screw homework. He had to see her. Without telling the boys, he stood up with a huff and poofed out. The offended “hey!” from Alex he ignored. 

Dropping into Julie’s room, a smile instantly bloomed on his face at the sight of her. She was on her bed, textbooks and notes splayed out in front of her while her curls danced with each breath she took. Even when tired, his girlfriend was pretty as hell. 

“Hey,” he grinned.

She didn’t look up and mumbled: “Hey.” A page turned. “What’re you doing here?”

Luke sat down on the edge of her bed, far enough so her pens wouldn’t roll away. “Haven’t seen you today. I missed you.”

This time she did look up, her weary eyes softening and smiling. “I missed you too. I have homework though, so...” The implication was there: please leave so I can finish. His hope for a hug quickly dwindled.

“Yeah,” he muttered, not ready to go back and get slapped by Alex. “Uh...” His eyes fell on her right hand, slightly more outstretched then the other. It just... laid there. Teasing him. Freaking tantalising him when he knew how good it felt whenever those fingers brushed his cheeks or raked his hair. 

It happened before he thought about it. Crawling onto the mattress, he snatched her hand and pressed soft kisses on the knuckles. Julie caught his gaze again, that smile he loved so much melting into an adoring puff - like she couldn’t believe this idiot was her boyfriend.

He didn’t mind being her idiot.  

3.

Sometimes, Julie was just that more adorable. Like now, with her hair spread around her shoulders and that small smile stuck on her lips and her eyes that seemed impossibly soft today. All for him, only for him. 

Sure, it was probably because they were working on one of their personal songs, but the fact remained that his girlfriend still left him rendered speechless months into dating.

“What if we try it in a lower key?”, Julie proposed, nodding at his guitar. 

The song in question was a song about them. It wasn’t so lovey-dovey that it would turn the guys off, but it was still blatant. Only they would write about ‘the sea glass green of his eyes’ and ‘the smile that put Mona Lisa to shame’. 

He did what she asked, her singing the same verse again. It held more depth now, soulful and lively. The rasp in her tone made it playful and egged him on to join, like it was truly banter between lovers put to music. It was them. It was her. It was-

Luke abruptly stopped playing, pushed his guitar aside and grabbed onto her. She hardly had time to chuckle as he pressed his lips onto her forehead and held her as tight as possible. Warmth filled his chest, that strange sensation of being loved and loving back twice as hard, as she clutched his body. He almost got choked up. Here he was, in the sundrenched studio with the girl he adored playing the music they created together and she was singing it in such a quintessentially ‘them’ way. No one but them would ever truly understand the magic they conjured. How it was only explained through grins melting on skin and the giddy skip in his heartbeat. 

“What’s that for?”, she smiled. 

His hand trailed from her back to her cheeks with an elated shrug. How could he explain to her her ‘Julie-ness’ was dialled up to two hundred without sounding insane? Caressing the skin, he murmured instead: “I guess you’re just irresistible today.”   

Her eyes squeezed shut at his words, like she was embarrassed how much delight it brought her, and pressed her face back in his shoulder. 

Letting that giddy skip in his chest kiss her again, he gently pulled away to sent her a wink. “Let’s finish ‘Wicked Love’, yeah?”

4.

“So, Flynn’s been thinking-”

“Mh-hm.”

“-about a new poster for the gig we’re playing. The old one is a little amateur and she made some new concepts. Wanna see?” Julie held her phone at his face, his hand leaving the strings of his guitar to gently push it back. Falling back on the bed, she frowned. 

“Maybe later, I’m figuring out this progression...” His back bend over his guitar again, only giving her a view of the black muscle tee. 

When Luke told her he wanted to hang out that Saturday afternoon, she had hoped it would be a bit more ‘Julie and Luke’ and not ‘Luke and His Guitar’ - alas, the girlfriend was competing with a piece of wood and some metal. While texting Flynn about graphic design was fun, it was time for Luke to start doing what he promised her.

Then again, she was a sucker for music talk. “Why don’t you try switching up the chords? Start with G instead of C.”

He tried it out, a grin crawling on his cheeks. “Yeah... yeah, that works. Thanks, Jules.”

“So?”, she sang. 

“Hm?”

With a sigh, she grabbed onto the strap of his guitar and gave it a tug. Luke’s neck rolled backwards in surprise, catching her playful smile.  

Chastely pecking his forehead, she said: “Your head is in the clouds.”

The teasing look of his matched hers. “You’re kissing my head right now.”

“Mh-hm,” she mumbled, loving the way his hair had that perpetual scent of apple and something inherently Luke. Kissing the locks, she added: “And you’ll be getting a lot more if you actually start hanging out with me.”

His book and instrument slid off his body just like that as he speared her into hug. Luke collapsed onto her body with the cutest grin and she knew she caught him. Their laughs chimed throughout the house for the rest of the day. 

+5.

Luke poofed onto her bed with a grin, his girlfriend automatically snuggling into his side and finding each other’s lips with ease. For a beat, they’re cherished the quiet passion shared between them. They didn’t need to do a lot to feel loved by the other. 

He pressed his nose into her curls. “How was school?”

“Good,” Julie whispered against his neck. “How was the studio?”

“Chill. Reggie scared a spider.”

She giggled, the sound making his grin widen and hide his face so she wouldn’t see how ridiculously giddy she made him. Turning her head so she’d see him anyway, her nose scrunched. “I know you’re smiling.”

“That’s my line, Molina,” he huffed, the teasing glint shimmering in his eyes. 

A signature brow quirked. “You got that on paper?”

He didn’t miss a second. “I love you.” He didn’t need to ponder or linger or rewrite or scrap or workshop the thought. It wasn’t even a thought. It was a truth and he’d repeat that truth over and over again until the universe knew it too and kept it in their books for centuries to come. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her. 

The smile that came was worth the truth, how her love for him broke through without a moment of hesitation. Now she’d say the same, over and over and over again, so the universe knew they were talking about each other and would always keep their names together in said books. 

Julie kissed him again, long and sweet and as easy as breathing. Her utters were barely audible, but his heart caught it. “I love you too.”

Locked in their embrace, they shared earphones listening to their favourite music until they fell asleep. (How Luke could fall asleep, but only when in her loving touch, he wouldn’t question. Some oddities of the universe were best unsaid.) 

@blush-and-books @unsaid-emily @bluefirewrites @willexx @ourstarscollided @alexjulies

[fluidityandgiggles]

Dalton Big Bang day 22 - That’s What We’re Here For

Writing Masterpost, AO3 Link

Notes: Logan in therapy is a thing I care about very deeply and he needs a good therapist to help him out. Did you really think I'll write about anyone else in therapy?

"This is Dr. Blake's office," Johnny told Logan as they left the horrid medicinal smell of the office building and entered a room that could best be described as what would happen if a unicorn projectile-vomited.

Well, maybe he was exaggerating a little, but still! The walls were a light lilac color, decorated with fairy lights and childish doodles painted on colorful paper; the wall near the door had several bookcases on it, full of crafting supplies and tabletop games and books Logan didn't care to check out, and next to them was a white desk with two colorful chairs right up against the wall.

There were also a small coffee table and a light blue suede couch opposite the desk and chairs. The couch was covered with plushies and there was a soft blanket folded neatly on the armrest. That was the biggest offender in his opinion. That couch in particular.

On that couch sat a young man, about somewhere in his thirties, sipping a cup of tea and looking straight at Logan. He sported slightly messy light brown hair, in a way that still seemed intentionally so, and frameless glasses that sat high on the bridge of his nose; Logan believed that, had the glasses been different, maybe his green argyle sweater vest and khaki pants combo would look less nerdy and more… well, more like something. Anything, really.

"Dr. Blake," John greeted the man, nodding a bit as a courtesy.

"Senator Wright." His voice was calm, but as his face broke into a smile Logan could hear it change into something else. "And this must be John—"

"Logan."

"Yes, of course. Excuse me." As the therapist stood up, Logan could see him grab a cane he hasn't seen before, that until now was resting on the small table. At a closer glance, he could see the man's leg wrapped in a bandage of some sort. "It's nice to meet you, Logan. I'm Arin Blake, you can call me Arin, or Dr. Arin, or Dr. Blake if you so fancy, I honestly wouldn't mind."

"Yeah…"

"Don't fuck this one up," Johnny threatened Logan as he turned to leave. "Your psychiatrist recommended him to us. Don't make her regret it—"

"Actually, Senator, I'd rather you joined us today."

The man was already on his phone by then, but at least he didn't leave, which meant he listened probably. Still surprised at the suggestion though, which showed on his face. Logan just scowled as he went to sit on the truly offensive couch - as instructed by the doctor - and grabbed a cat plushie to hold.

A brown cat plushie, not too fluffy, with embroidered black eyes and a stupid expression.

Kinda reminds him of Julian. In a way. He's not sure which. 

"In order to understand what we're working on here, I'd like to also hear your side of the story," Blake continued as he sat down in a chair in front of them. Johnny took the other side of the couch. "Can I offer you coffee, tea? Water?"

"Coffee is fine," Logan shrugged.

"To me as well."

"Just remind me for a moment, which medication are you prescribed?"

Logan may have rolled his eyes at that.

"Prozac, and I'm starting to take adderall soon."

"I see…" he hummed to himself as he got up and left the office, leaving Logan and Johnny in uncomfortable silence.

Dr. Blake's cup of tea was in a big blue mug, decorated with a print of tiny cartoon citrus slices. A clear plastic teaspoon stuck a bit over the top, and Logan inspected the little tag on the tea bag. Hibiscus apple cinnamon. Sounds fancy enough.

He just about took his phone out and started playing something when Blake came back, hopping on one leg almost, and put two disposable cups in front of them. Johnny's was a cup of coffee. His, though…

"I asked for coffee."

"And isn't this it?"

He took a sip. "It's… it's fine." It wasn't. There was too much milk, he could tell just by looking it. This was just a confirmation. "Thanks."

"So how about you both tell me why you're here?" The doctor sat back down in his chair, waiting for an answer.

"I don't know if you've heard in the news, but there was a fire at Logan's school—"

"Don't act like that's the reason we're here." Logan waited for his father to get red in the face. He always did. So he just leaned back and counted the seconds. "You brought me here because you think that everything wrong in your life is the result of me simply existing, and your only excuse to actually do it is that the people you dumped me on when you couldn't bother with keeping me around anymore can't look after me now."

"How do you think people would have reacted to my campaign if they knew—"

"Oh, come on, not everything is about your FUCKING JOB!"

"Okay, okay, Logan put that cup down." He did as he was told. After all, he can't fuck this one up, can he? "Now, without exploding on each other, please tell me what's going on."

"Logan's school burned down back in March—"

"February."

"—and he's only been getting worse since. He's always had anger issues, but since then he won't stop acting out. Usually over quite… petty things too."

Blake pushed his glasses further up, if that was even possible. "Petty things like what?"

"Like…" Johnny faltered, fumbling for words. So Logan spoke for him.

"Like that time last week when I asked if I can go visit my friend in California and you said I can't because what if his mom says no."

"Ms. Larson is a very busy woman, Logan. You can't just expect her to let you stay over because you wanted to on a whim."

"Well, I'm not five anymore, I don't think it really matters so much whether or not she can—"

"Let's stop it right there, again, Logan." Dr. Blake's stare made Logan curl up into himself. "Repeat that, now calmly."

Logan swallowed rather hard before talking again.

————

"Tell me a little about your friends," Dr. Blake asked at another meeting, about five weeks later. Logan sat on the chair closest to the desk, hugging the cat plushie again, and focused on drawing some flowers.

Lily of the valley. It was the only flower he could draw well. And isn't that just sad.

"There's Derek," he started, drawing the stems. "He… well, if he put half as much energy into caring for himself as he does for caring for me, I think the world would be a much better place. I think he's trying to compensate for this with girlfriends. It's kind of worrying, to be honest."

"But he cares for you?"

"Yeah. Sometimes a bit too much. It's… it's funny, actually, because… he really needs to work on himself. He can't fix me no matter how much he tries, because he's not some miracle worker and my mental health isn't fixable—"

"But it is treatable. And that's what we're here for."

"Yeah. I just… I find it funny, because he spends so much time trying to fix me that he's completely ignoring himself, and then he goes off and thinks having a girlfriend is a good replacement for self care. But I can't just tell him that… he'll get upset and then say it's not important and I'm just obsessing over it because reasons, and then when I get upset over not understanding he says it's my anger issues and I should be medicated."

"And why do you think he's doing this?"

This was the type of question that Logan quickly learned Blake loved asking. 'Why do you think', 'why do you feel', as if he wasn't the expert here. It was weird, having someone interested in his opinion without calling it anger issues and shutting him up, or telling him it's stupid and all that. He wasn't sure he could get used to it, but he certainly felt like he was, and it scared him.

"I think… I think he's just worried… he has anxiety, and I think he's reflecting it onto others because he doesn't know how to deal with it himself…? I know his parents don't know how to. So neither does he."

"And your other friend?"

Logan put down his pencil and picked a yellow one, throwing Blake a look.

"Julian is… he's cool. I miss him, I haven't seen him in months and he can't come over for vacation because his mother won't let him."

"Is he just cool?"

"I mean… he's one of my best friends, so… he's cool. He's very snarky sometimes… well, most of the time… and we talked about it a while ago, about why he's like this, and it was before revising my diagnosis, and he didn't really understand that I was insulting him back as a fight or flight response and he thought I was enjoying it… umm…"

Blake just pushed a mug closer to Logan. It was a clear mug, full of a bright red liquid. The hibiscus apple cinnamon tea. He made it for Logan today, as an attempt to get him to like something with no caffeine. Apparently coffee was bad for adderall. He assumed it'll be okay though.

"We're working on it now. And he needs physical therapy, so it's not like we really can do it in person, but we call each other every day and stuff…"

"You should visit him, then," the doctor suggested, making Logan snort. 

"I don't think he wants me around… his boyfriend is there to keep him company. It's fine. Well�� not his boyfriend. I'm not sure what they are. It's complicated, I think. Jules says they're not dating but they sure have a—"

"Dearie, are you jealous?"

He just laughed again. "Of Julian? Nope. Not in a million years. Of Sebastian? I… I don't actually know. I mean, he and Julian aren't together even if sometimes it feels like it, and Jules did say I'm his best friend and stuff, but on the other hand he makes him happy, and…"

"And being jealous is okay, so long as you put it into a healthy outlet and not into anger. Talk to Julian about it. See what he thinks and says."

"But… we talked about it… kind of… he said he's in love with me, but it wasn't at a very ideal situation, and… we agreed to not talk about it. Just… let ourselves work through it, figure out what we really feel… what he really feels… and then we'll see where we go from there."

"That's good. But ask him for clarification, okay? Don't make your head spin like this."

Logan just nodded along, grabbing a blue pencil to shade in the flowers themselves.

"So I think I'm going to visit Julian soon," he continues. "I'll ask Derek to join me too… maybe I can buy him a gift…"

"That's a nice idea. What does he like?"

"He likes… cats, and candy… maybe I can get him new sunglasses. I think he'll like sunglasses. Or coffee…"

"Is coffee a gift?"

"Expensive coffee, maybe."

The doctor just laughed. "How about starting small… what about flowers?"

"...I can get him flowers…"

"That you can. I fear we're running out of time, though." Logan looked up from his drawing, a bit disappointed. "We can keep talking about this next week too, okay?"

"Okay… sorry for wasting time like this."

"You've wasted no time, dearie. It's all good. Just remind your father to write me a check, yeah?"

————

Logan crashed on the blue suede couch and covered himself all the way up over his head the second he made it to Dr. Blake's office that day. Sure, he was still wearing his huge coat — New York was especially snowy this winter, like, much more than usual — but he didn't really want to show his face to the world, and the receptionist who asked him to wait earlier was on the receiving end of his panic attack. It wasn't fair to the others, and it just… it wasn't…

"Do you want me to make you tea, dearie?" Blake asked him, rubbing his back. He sounded worried.

Logan just nodded and whimpered.

"Okay… try to breathe while I'm gone, okay? In for four, hold for four, out for four. Think you can do that?"

He nodded again.

"I'll be right back."

As Logan waited for Blake to come back, he started crying again. Winter vacation wasn't treating him too well, between fighting with Julian back at school right before coming home and getting yelled at by his father for flirting with the son of an associate (well, the guy was pretty cute, and certainly down to fuck) and probably the cherry on top, he was late. It wasn't as bad as the others, but he was late to this appointment, and he had so much to talk about, and…

"Logan, can you hear me?" Blake asked after what felt like forever, holding his hand. Logan whimpered again in response. "Come on, let's breathe together. I'll count."

He didn't even feel how long it took before he was sitting up, a second, weighted blanket on his shoulder, drinking his tea. Dr. Blake was still there, helping wipe his cheeks with a tissue as Logan tried to calm down.

"...Julian and I had a fight."

"Okay… what was it about?"

"I… I tried talking to him again, about… about us, and our relationship, and where does our friendship go, and he screamed at me that he's tired of talking about it and that I need to stop bringing it up, that he's with Sebastian and that's it, and then I yelled back and I… I may have slapped him, but…"

"That's bad, dearie. You know it's bad."

"I know! And I hate myself, I hate myself so much for doing this! He doesn't deserve a friend like me, I'm… I'm possessive and an asshole, and he just…"

"Okay, here's where you're wrong," the doctor told him, taking one of his hands. "You're wonderful, Logan. You're a great friend, and Julian didn't tell you he hates you. He didn't say you're terrible."

"But he implied it."

"He did not. It was an intrusive thought. What did Julian say, exactly?"

"...he… he said it's, he said that he's tired of talking about it, and that… that he already has a boyfriend, so I can't... " He hiccuped.

"Exactly… nothing about you as a friend. Open your phone and call him for me, okay? I want you to talk to him, and I want to see you do it."

Logan just nodded, a bit hesitant. He fumbled with his phone, trying to avoid looking at Julian's number, but ultimately he just… did.

Julian answered at the third ring.

"Hey, Lo."

"Hey…" he sniffled a bit. "I just… I need clarification on… on something." He looked at Blake for approval, wiping his eyes with a finger. Blake just nodded.

"Sure, what's up…?"

"Just… when we… had the fight. And you screamed at me and I screamed back, and…" Logan took a second. "Jules, do you hate me?"

"...are you high right now? Seriously. Are you?"

"No… I'm in… never mind."

"Okay... Lolo, I can't hate you. You're my best friend, you know how much I love you, but sometimes I can get mad or frustrated. Just like you do." He could hear the disappointment in Julian's voice almost. "I'm with Sebastian now. I'm happy with him. I love you, I really do, but you constantly asking me if I'm sure I'm happy and if we can give it a chance is getting tiring. I'm sorry, but it's getting really difficult."

"I… I'm sorry… Jules, I—"

"I accept your apology. I'm not mad at you, you don't have to get so anxious about this. You're starting to act like Derek."

"I'm still sorry…" he could finally take a breath, looking at his therapist for approval again. "That's… that's all I… I'm just in therapy, and…"

"Okay… go back to therapy. Don't waste time talking to me. I love you."

"Yeah… me too."

Logan hung up after that and turned to sip his tea, which has now cooled down.

And then the doctor spoke. "I'm proud of you. You don't need to apologize so much, you're doing just fine, but you did great. I'm so proud."

"Thanks." Logan forced a smile.

Maybe… maybe things would be okay, at the end of it all. He sure hoped so.

————

"I'm going to ask Julian out," Logan announced one day, two years into seeing Blake, just waltzing into the office. He may have caught his doctor by surprise, but as he sat down and grabbed his cat plushie, Blake straightened back up and cleared his throat.

"Doesn't he have a boyfriend, though?"

"Not anymore! And he said he doesn't want a rebound but then we talked about it and—"

"Okay, slow down. Let's start from the top. Julian broke up with his boyfriend?"

Logan nodded, then started rambling — "apparently they grew apart, at least it's what he told me, but I'm kinda pretty sure Sebastian cheated on him with Blaine? Blaine is my ex, he's kinda… meh. But yeah. So they broke up, like, three weeks ago, and Jules said he doesn't want a rebound so fast after the relationship, but I can build up to it! I can… I can start talking to him about it, right?" — all while Dr. Blake listened, nodding along to what he was saying.

"...okay… we can build up to that, then. I can help you do it if you're nervous about it."

"I'm really nervous about this…"

"Okay, okay, I can help. But first, how was your week? I made you tea."

"I saw that, thank you, but…" his stomach fell. "My week was so boring… college is boring. I have an exam in two weeks that I'm not sure I'm ready for, Alex had a mental breakdown the other day that I had to help with because nobody else was around, my dad visited…"

"And how is your dad?" Logan rolled his eyes at this question. "No, no no no. You answer me. How is your dad?"

"He still thinks I'm gay for the rebellion part of it. I mean, he'll get over it, I have faith in Michelle to make him change his mind, but… he and Michelle visited, and it was really nice. I missed both of them so much. But the second he saw my friends again he started talking shit, because Drew's voice dropped a lot since the last time they met and he started making transphobic remarks and it was… it was bad. It was so bad."

"Did you help Drew out?"

"Yeah… and then my dad got mad at me and we went into a screaming match. But it's okay, Michelle… did her best to get us to talk. I think he understands it now… not the gay thing, but… the transgender thing."

"That's good…"

Logan opened his phone right before the end of the session, as Blake was reminding him to remind his father to pay and that next week they'll talk in video chat, same day same hour. He nodded along, looking through to his messages to Julian — there —  and getting up and out.

Lolo: I know you said you don't want to get back at it this early, but when you're ready, wanna go on a proper date…?

Lolo: also, can we talk about something? I have an exam soon and I'm anxious as shit

He kept staring at it as he went downstairs and to his car, watching the text on the screen dance with a pain in his chest.

J is typing...

[princesscyr]

Gold & Venom, A Fortnite Fanfic. Chapter 2 - Steel

Rating: PG-13 Pairing: Midas/Yellowjacket Platforms posted: Wattpad, ao3

Word Count: 2936

The day Yellowjacket’s class graduated from agent training was the day Jules decided to throw an office pizza party. Jules had been so excited for the new agents to join the team she wanted them to feel welcomed. Who doesn’t like pizza anyway? Everyone was invited, including all the high ranking agents, henchmen, and additional staff. Midas refused to go until Jules called him a “boring bitch” and forced him to attend.

               So here he was, standing in the corner. A frown was carved into his face as everybody else was having a good time. Current agents were introducing themselves to the new agents, new agents were expressing their excitement to work with them. Midas rolled his eyes as he saw Fusion grab three pepperoni slices to put on his paper plate.

               “Sick party, Jules!” Fusion exclaims, taking a big bite out of one of the slices on his plate.

               Jules grins at him, “Thank you! I think it’s nice we have more members within the agency now, don’t you?”

               Midas watched as the two of them walked away. He took a sip of his fruit punch, glancing around the room. He stumbled forward when somebody ran into him, causing him to spill some of his fruit punch on the floor.

               He turned around to glare at whoever ran into him before his gold eye met with big brown eyes. It took seconds before realization hit him. This was the same girl who would look at him and then roll her eyes. For the last two weeks they’d make eye contact every single day, whether it was when she’d pass by his office in the morning to talk to Jules, or at the breakroom midday, or when she’d come into his office to drop off her paperwork. When she’d come into his office, she’d try to avoid his gaze but always end up looking at him. At first, he thought his eye was playing tricks on him when he saw a light shade of pink dust along her face. After all, he did have trouble with vision having one eye. That reaction was consistent with every other meeting.

               Midas was used to people fawning and fanning over him, pointing him out of a crowd and squealing. He wasn’t unattractive in the slightest, if anything he was almost every person’s ideal man. It humbled him that Yellowjacket would roll her eyes at him even when she’s blushing. They haven’t said a word to one another but Midas knew. He knew he affected her. He was always first to make moves, but this… this intrigued him. The way she would avoid his eyes for the first few seconds before looking back and rolling her eyes, a blush following soon after, or the way her lips turned into a pout when he’d initiate the starring contest, making her squirm as though she didn’t want him to look at her.

               “Oh—“ she apologizes, her face turning pink quickly, “I’m so sorry sir, I wasn’t paying attention. Here, I can get you a new drink and clean up the mess—“

               I could get used to being called sir, he smirked, keeping the thought to himself.

               His eye looked her over. She was shorter than him, standing at 5’8” with her boots. She must’ve been 5’5” without them. Yet here she was, looking up at him with her hands on her hips.

               She scowls at him, “Are you just going to stand there and stare at me? Ugh, you’re so weird!” she rolls her eyes, squirming under his gaze.

               Midas chuckles, “I’m not the one who rolls my eyes at strangers, Doll. Judgmental much?”

               “Whatever,” she huffs as she takes a paper napkin from the nearby table to clean up the mess.

               Yellowjacket tried to hide her blush as she wiped the floor. It was his voice and British accent that made her shiver. This was her boss’s brother and here she was making a fool of herself by walking into him and spilling his drink. At the same time, she wanted to wipe that smirk off his face.

               After wiping up the mess she stands up to dispose of the napkin, her back facing Midas.

               “Aren’t you going to get my drink?” he asks.

               Yellow turns to look at him, “I was, but then I noticed you have two working hands and the punch bowl is right next to you.” She gestures towards the punch bowl that’s on the table beside them.

               He looks into her eyes this time, a smirk plastered on his face.

               “You’re right, here…” he trails off, his gold hand immediately going to her hip.

               The sudden action stunned Yellow as she watched him use his free hand to grab a cup while leaning into and around her, keeping his hand on her hip. He kept eye contact with her and seeing her squirm in his hold made him squeeze her hip as if he was telling her to stay still. She stopped moving with a frown on her face.

               Once he got his drink, he released his grip on her hip. She had the same frown on her face while a smile grew on his.

               “You should stop frowning, darling. It’s not a good look on you.” He looks her over again, pleased with his work done on her.

               Yellows face felt like it was on fire and the frown soon dropped off her face and was replaced by a pout, “I’m—“ her voice higher than normal when she realized what he had said to her.

               This golden hoe just told her to smile. Her next reaction was priceless. She snatches the drink out of his hand before throwing it at him.

               “You fucking dick!” she shouts, causing the music to be cut short and everyone to look over at both of them.

               She throws the cup at him next, “Don’t you ever touch me again and then expect me to smile as if you did me a favor!”

               She excuses herself, quickly moving towards the exit without looking back at him. Midas stood there speechless, his clothes now soaked in fruit punch and everyone was staring at him. When he would look to the others, they would avoid his gaze or shake their head at him. Others would scoff and blame him, telling him how his humiliation is the best part of the party. This situation was almost as bad as the time he was nearly eaten by a shark, but the shark wasn’t as cute as Yellow.

               With everyone looking at him, Midas began to get annoyed. His ego was wounded, to be embarrassed this way in front of everyone by a woman was humiliating.

               “Why do you all insist on looking at me?! The situation ended! Stop fucking looking at me!” he snaps, the gold from his hands beginning to creep up his arms slowly.

               “Calm down, Midas. You don’t need to make a scene out of this,” one of the henchmen nearby warned him, his voice firm.

               That was the cherry on top of Midas’ angry sundae. Immediately he moved back to the table, placing his hand down on it. The table had begun to turn into solid gold, causing some of the party-goers to look at each other with panic. A few of the henchmen started to approach Midas, but Jules called them off with a click of her tongue. Confused, they backed off. All they could do is obey their boss and entrust she has the situation under control.

               Jules made a move to approach him, only to jump back when he lifts the now golden table and flips it over, causing the punch bowl, napkins, and various food dishes to fall with it. The other party-goers ran away in a panic, most of them were screaming and others were trying to bring more henchmen into the room. The only people left in the room were Midas, Jules, and the few henchmen that were already present.

               “Midas,” Jules starts, “You need to calm down right now. We need to talk in my office because this behavior is unacceptable and I expected better from you.”

               At this point, most of Midas’ body was in gold, mainly his arms and upper part of his neck. He had a bit of a way to go before his face would turn gold.

               “You expected better from me?!” he yells, followed by laughter, “Who are you to demand such things of me, child?!”

               “You are mad because a woman disrespected you. You need to get over that. You have no right to be mad here, you knew what you were getting into when you took my job offer.” Jules tries to reason with him, her voice calm.

               “You forced me to attend this shit fest you called a party, Jules.” He hisses, “Now I see why you did, this was your way of getting entertainment for the party. Fuck you.”

               They stood there, glaring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. The gold started to return to his hands slowly. Jules breaks the stare, clearing her throat.

               “My office, shall we?” she asks him, to which he reluctantly accepted.

There was a tense silence between the two of them as they sat in her office. Midas was still wearing the same fruit punch stained clothes.

               Jules broke the silence first, “Your behavior was uncalled for, Midas. I did not expect you to react the way you did. You do not know that agent you were speaking to, and yet you exploded because she threw a drink at you?”

               Midas rolls his eye, “That’s not why I’m mad. Why do you deflect from the problem? I was annoyed because everyone was looking at me like I had committed some crime, and it became worse when I was told to calm down.”

               “I’m not deflecting from anything. I saw the entire situation. You made a disrespectful comment to one of my agents and she reacted as such. Midas, I can’t believe I have to police everything you do. This isn’t your agency, do you understand?” she says as she rubs her face, mainly from stress, “This is my agency. I am your boss and you cannot disrespect my employees without some sort of discipline.”

               “Your employees are disrespecting me as well, Julia. Throwing their files at me when my desk is right in front of them, poking fun at me as I’m passing the halls to get to the break room, the list goes on.” He argues.

               “Reactions such as those are warranted. You’ve ruined people’s lives with your selfish behavior. I can only do so much for you, such as protecting you from harm. I cannot prevent the words that come from their mouths, nor will I stop it either.” She replies to him, spinning in her chair to face her cabinet.

               Jules opens the cabinet drawer, pulling out a sheet of paper and a pen.

               “I was going to make you sit in a cell for 3 days, but I think this will build some character in you. I want you to write a formal apology letter to Yellowjacket, for your inappropriate comment. I expect it to be a sincere, heartfelt apology. I will read it when you are done and if it’s to my satisfaction, I will sign off on it and bring it to her.” Jules explains as she sets the paper and pen down in front of him.

               Midas groans, opening his mouth to complain, only to close it immediately when he saw the glare Jules was giving him. If looks could kill, he’d be liquid gold right now. So he starts to write an apology.

               Forty-five minutes had passed and Jules was satisfied with Midas’ apology letter to Yellowjacket. She made sure he emphasized what an arrogant asshole he had been towards her and how it wouldn’t happen again. Jules signed off on the apology letter before she motioned for a henchman to come over.

               “Please take this to Yellowjacket.” She ordered him.

               The henchman nodded, taking his leave immediately to look for the agent.

               “Get out of my sight, Midas. Go change your clothes and get back to work. You ruined the party and everyone’s day as well.” Jules dismisses him with a wave of her hand.

               Midas frowns at her, but he got up, not wanting to anger her further.

                He took his leave, walking to his room at a brisk pace. He took the elevator to avoid running into people, as he knew that word had spread fast about the party. He changed out of his stained clothes and put on fresh clothes before he made his way back to his office. He could feel the judgmental looks he was receiving from other agents and henchmen as he passed by. Midas never had to deal with this when he was a boss, it was easier just to kill people for looking at you wrong, or at the very least, look intimidating. But if there was something he learned from working at A.L.T.E.R. for a couple of weeks now, it was that these people have nothing to lose. They have killed for a lot less. Midas knew there was a target on the back of his head. The question is, who will get to him first?

               Midas makes it into his office, shutting the door and moving over to his desk. Opening his desk drawer, he pulls out his bottle of scotch and a cigarette. A wave of sadness hits him but was drowned out with the first sip of his drink. Instead, loneliness crept up. It had been a while since he socialized with anybody that wasn’t in his agency. The people he could socialize with at ease were gone, replaced by others who do not want anything to do with him. He had a confident exterior that hid the deep self-loathing within him. He takes a drag from his cigarette while his mind races with thoughts of the party. Midas knew he had made a mistake, the girl was being nice to him and he had to go and make an unnecessary comment. He hoped the apology letter would be enough. He could settle with her avoiding him like the plague, though part of him hopes that wouldn’t be the case.

               Yellowjacket had gone down to the training room to let off some steam. She couldn’t believe the nerve of that man. Who did he think he was? Just because he’s the boss's brother doesn’t mean he’s immune from the consequences of his actions. She kicks the practice dummy so hard, its body flies off the metal pole holding it in place. The practice dummy lands against the wall mat, falling to the ground with a thud. Yellow moves onto the next practice dummy and her friend, Siona watches her in amusement.

               “What’s got you so worked up, girl?” she asks as she rushes over to pick up the dummy.

               Yellow punches the next dummy, her fist hitting it made a soft thud.

               “Bosses brother was being a creep so I threw his drink at him.” She replies as she hits the dummy harder this time.

               “The golden king? Huh, I thought he didn’t talk to anyone. He’s usually a loner when I see him.” Siona shrugs.

               “What do you mean—“ Yellow was cut off by the rough clearing of someone’s throat.

               Both girls turn to look at who made the sound, it was a henchman.

               “Excuse me, ladies, I have an apology letter from Midas addressed to Yellowjacket.” the man read out the name on the envelope.

               Yellow, who was still annoyed and becoming confused approaches the henchman, “Yeah, that’s me? He wrote me a letter…?” she asks.

               “Yes ma’am. Ms. J required that he write you a formal apology for his disrespectful outburst at today’s party.”

               Yellow took the letter but refused to read it. She looked more offended than she did at the party.

               “And he expects me to accept his apology because he wrote me a letter? Fuck no, tell him to go fuck himself and apologize to my face. Ridiculous, has he no shame?” she pushes the letter towards the henchman who grabs it and accepts her request.

               “Yes ma’am, I will deliver the message to him. I do apologize if I have inconvenienced you with this.” With that, the man takes his leave, heading back to Midas’ office.

               Midas was half a bottle in when there was a knock on his office door.

               “Come in,” Midas slurred.

               The henchman stepped in with the apology letter in hand.

“Sir, Yellowjacket has requested me to tell you that you can go fuck yourself and that you need to apologize to her in person, and that apology letters are stupid. She is down in the gym right now, do you need an escort?” they ask him, handing him the apology letter.

               Midas sighs, “I guess there's no other option, give me a second—“ he hiccups, “Give me a second and I’ll be right out.”

               “You are drunk, sir? Not a good impression to be making on a lady of her caliber, but I digress.” They state, shrugging.

               “Hey, I don’t critique what you do in your life, henchman, don’t do it to me.” He barks, setting the bottle of scotch back in his desk drawer, slamming it shut.

               The henchman acknowledged his reply with a nod, waiting for Midas to gather his bearings. Once Midas joins him, they set off to the gym to talk to Yellowjacket.

[mermaidsirennikita]

July 2019 Book Wrap-up

July was actually a really good month for me!  I read a ton of books, and a lot of them were actually pretty good?  It’s been a very transitory month for me; and I’m hoping to keep up the momentum as I start a new job.  The standouts of the month include War, of my beloved Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse series by Laura Thalassa, and Lock Every Door, a creepy, apartment-centric psychological thriller by Riley Sagers.

What the Wind Knows by Amy Harmon.  3/5.  Heartbroken by the death of her grandfather--the only parent she really knew--Anne Gallagher travels to Ireland.  Ireland was her grandfather’s homeland, she she grew up on his stories of a family she has little connection with.  Going out on the lake, she suddenly finds herself thrown back into 1921, in an Ireland on the brink of civil war.  Taken in by Thomas Smith, a friend of her great-grandfather--who himself died young in the conflict--she finds a young boy who is oddly familiar, and a group of people she can’t help but connect with.  As she grows close to Thomas and enveloped in his political struggles, Anne becomes terrified of her lack of control over the time she’s in, or the future she’s facing.  This is a time travel romance, as you’d probably guess.  And it’s really not super amazing or much to complain about.  There is fluff.  There are the necessary “out of time” moments, the tension between the hero and the heroine.  It does seem that Harmon did her research on the Irish political landscape of the 1920s--but I can’t verify the novel’s accuracy.  To be frank, I think that this actually got in the way of the story to an extent.  The amount of time Michael Collins took up in this novel, acting as like...  the best friend character?  Was a bit awkward.  Otherwise, it’s a fluffy, nice read.

The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren.  3/5.  Olive and Ethan hate each other, which is awkward as his brother is marrying her sister.  But after the entire wedding party--save Olive and Ethan--end up with food poisoning, they agree to go on the honeymoon trip together, to save it from being completely wasted.  The plan on avoiding each other the entire time; but when Olive encounters her future boss at the resort and tells what seems to be a white lie, they end up having to impersonate newlyweds.  You can probably guess what happens next!  Christina Lauren books usually feature protagonists with a fun, sweet chemistry, and this novel is no exception.  The beach setting and Olive and Ethan’s angsty, unresolved sexual tension makes most of this book a super fun read.  The only reason why I didn’t give it 4/5 is that the last twenty percent or so really annoyed me.  There is a very typical twist, which wasn’t the problem--how our male lead reacted to it was.  It didn’t ruin the book, but it did make me much less likely to give it a wholehearted recommendation.

Lock Every Door by Riley Sager.  5/5.  After losing her job and breaking up with her live-in boyfriend, Jules is desperate for money and a place to stay.  As luck would have it, she stumbles upon an opportunity that offers both.  The Bartholomew is an old building, populated by the wealthy elite; and Jules has long idolized it as the setting of one of her favorite childhood books.  When the apartments are in between owners, their inherent value makes them targets for thieves--which is why the building’s managers employ apartment sitters.  Jules is offered $12,000 to live in an apartment for three months; and despite her wariness, she can’t turn that kind of offer down.  But when her newfound friend and fellow apartment sitter Ingrid goes missing, Jules sets on to a horrifying search for answers, which yield far more than she’s bargained for.  It’s official: I really do love Riley Sager books.  He’s 3/3 so far, and this one just may be my favorite.  Sager isn’t shy about drawing from classic horror tropes, and this novel is no exception--it owes a good bit to Rosemary’s Baby and The Shining.  But of course, another totally out there twist is thrown in, making the story his own.  I can’t say much without spoiling it.  But if you love thrillers and horror, try it.  What pushes the book over the edge for me is that it has a real point about today’s class systems, and the privileges of wealth and the victimization of the poor in America.

The Flatshare by Beth O’Leary.  4/5.  Following a disastrous breakup, Tiffy needs a flat, and badly.  So when she sees the ad posted by Leon, she’s desperate enough to take it.  As Tiffy is an assistant editor and Leon is a night nurse, they have different schedules.  They live in the flat together and even share a bed--though they sleep on opposite sides--but never see each other, communicating through notes left about the apartment.  At first, it’s stiff--but gradually, as they learn more about one another and their separate troubles (from Tiffy’s obsessive ex to Leon’s incarcerated brother) they begin to rely on each other for more than just room and board...  This is a really fucking cute, very sweet romantic comedy that touches on deeper subjects than you might think.  The way through which Tiffy and Leon connect is pretty unique, and I felt for both of them.  They were pleasant without being annoyingly perfect, and I just had a great time with the novel.

War by Laura Thalassa.  4/5.  As the apocalypse rages on, Miriam struggles to live in an Israel ravaged by the literal War--that is, the horseman of the apocalypse.  When the supernatural warlord stumbles across her in the battlefield, he’s taken aback by her own fury, and declares that she was sent by God to be his wife.  Thrown in with War and his followers, Miriam is exposed to the true horror of the battlefield--while also learning that there may be more to War’s purpose, and her connection with him, than she thought.  This is the sequel to Pestilence, and part of a big fat series about women falling in love with the four horsemen of the apocalypse.  And I love them.  War is a surprisingly endearing hero, though Thalassa never shies away from how brutal the horsemen are--which I so appreciate.  You never forget that War isn’t a human, however you may love him.  Miriam is another fun heroine, and one of those lovely characters who is honestly quite softhearted but still aggressive and never weak.  It’s a cheesy romance novel, and it’s exactly what you should read right now, immediately.

Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson.  3/5.  Elisabeth is a foundling, raised in the Great Library of Austermeer to take care of its magical grimoires.  When the library is attacked and its most powerful grimoire unleashed, Elisabeth is implicated in the crime.  Sent to the capital to be dealt with, she becomes wrapped up in a conspiracy, with only a suspicious sorcerer to rely upon.  I adored Rogerson’s first novel (An Enchantment of Ravens), and I wish I’d loved this one more.  It was well-written, and the characters were interesting, but I just found the story a bit hard to get caught up in.  Honestly, I think this had less to do with the plot itself and more to do with the pacing and length of the book.  It took way too long for things to get started, and things just moved too slowly for my taste.  However, I do think that tons of people will LOVE this book--if sorcery and slow burns are up your alley, go for it!

On the Island by Tracey Garvis Graves.  2/5.  Thirty-year-old Anna is happy to take a dream teaching job--she’s tutoring the nearly-seventeen year old T.J. as his family vacations over the summer in the Maldives.  Flying separately from the rest of the group, Anna and T.J. are thrown off course when their pilot has a heart attack and crashes into the sea, leaving the two of them trapped on an isolated island.  As the years pass and Anna and T.J. survive together, they come to face the reality of a new world--and their changing feelings.  I had to read this for the what the fuck factor, basically?  To clarify, nothing happens between the leads until the guy is almost nineteen, and by then they’ve been alone for so long that it’s honestly pretty understandable.  I feel like this could have been great, trashy fun and it still kind of was, but the writing was so........................................  Not great?  It was really clunky and really awkward, and the characters kept repeating things to each other that didn’t need to be repeated.  The dialogue took me out more than anything else.  But I don’t know, I wasn’t disengaged?  It’s a spectacle of a book.

The Royal Secret by Lucinda Riley.  3/5.  After the death of acting legend Sir James Harrison, reporter Joanna is set to cover his funeral.  There, she meets a mysterious older woman, who sets her on a path to uncover a secret that has been hidden for more than seventy years--connected to the royal family.  I don’t have much to say about this one.  It intrigued me because it was actually published a little over 20 years ago, but due to the timing--it was written when the royal family was at a peak low in terms of popularity, but published right around the time that the popularity took an upswing--it did rather poorly.   It was an interesting enough read, but never grabbed me. The characters felt disconnected and bland, and ultimately the thriller aspects were pretty light, or maybe just not the types that I enjoy.  It’s not a bad book, but it’s also not for me.  

Three Women by Lisa Taddeo.  2/5.  This non-fiction book follows three women throughout the years, focusing on their varied sex lives.  This just wasn’t for me.  Other people will love it, but I was looking for something less...  intentionally poetic.  I wanted it to be more honest and upfront and analytical.  

The Last Leonardo: The Secret Lives of the World’s Most Expensive Painting by Ben Lewis.  4/5.   An account of the history of Salvator Mundi, the allegeded Leonardo da Vinci work sold for $450 million.  Lewis writes in an engaging manner, revealing both the painting’s history and the case for and against it being a Leonardo--and what I really love too is his examination of the questions surrounding its value even if it is a Leonardo, considering the painting’s extensive restoration (which could have arguably taken away from the artist’s original hand) and its general quality compared to other works by Leonardo.  I’m not sure if people who aren’t into art history or at least history would be into this, but I found Lewis’s skepticism and reserve regarding the topic weirdly refreshing.  I have a lot of feelings about Salvator Mundi, and I appreciated the way he communicated his.

The Descendant of the Crane by Joan He.  4/5.  After the death of her father, Hesina is left as the heir to the throne.  The issue?  She thinks that her father was murdered--and in her pursuit of the truth, she seeks help from a sooth, one of the magic-users forbidden by the Eleven, the wise people who restructured the kingdom years ago.  She is then set to work with Akira, a thief who’s meant to represent her in court as she struggles to find the killer--but ends up on a path that will reveal more than she’d bargained for.  It’s hard to not spoil this one?  It has many twists and turns, to the point that it did get kind of convoluted (and the ending is far from resolved, though there’s no guarantee of a sequel). But I admire He’s ambition and the scope of the story.  I hope we do get a follow-up!

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 10- “My only purpose in this game now is to serve my ever loving lord and savior, Ruthie”-Dan

I am crying for Owen leaving.  I don't know WHO did it, I can't math and this really fucking hurts my heart I don't know who was lying about it. 

12 minutes later

I've made a zillion confessionals and the fact that lily and landen went behind my back and freaking orchestrated the entire owen vote REALLY makes me mad.  things I told them in confidence that they have probably shared with EVERYONE that is left it just really makes me EXTREMELY mad. I've got to put my game face on but I am really disappointed in all of them. Like if they would have come to me and said, lets get owen!  I WOULD have thought about it because I've said all along that they are the ones I trust the most and I'm just SO livid right now.  I have a slew of messages from Lily and like THE ONE PERSON HERE I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST GOES AND DOES THIS TO ME. Okay I'm breathing but I still haven't replied to anyone I tried  to post something witty in the house chat LOL. like abby lee miller says... SAVE YOUR TEARS FOR THE PILLOW!  I'm going to get my game face on and try to see... if I'm in good with anyone at all I don't even know.   The competitor in me knows that Owen NEEDED to go if I want to win but this was all SHADY AS FUCK.  I NEVER CURSE AND I HAVE CURSED MORE IN THESE THINGS TODAY THAN I HAVE IN A MONTH. 

WHEW. BIG WHEW. That was the most wild day of my life but I’m really proud with how I handled myself and took charge of my game. I didn’t like how things were going ruthie or landen. I crawled and scratched all day talking to almost everyone. I start the day with Owen and somehow through all this it happened. I guess that’s why you don’t settle on a vote! Landen and I were so close to settling. I was also close to voting chips. I literally changed my vote three times. Joanna then chips then Owen. I’m happy I’m making moves and finding my own but I am nervous with how this will end. Dan is PISSED. I didn’t mean for him to play his advantage but in the end I’m glad he did. I wondering how the rest of this game is going to go but I’m hoping that those who really say they have my back have my back. Owen added me to an alliance with me ruthie and dan because he trusted us most. I thought that was odd since Owen hadn’t talked game to me privately since I had voted him at the last tribal. In the end I think he would have tried to work with me but I think Owen and dan if they make it to the end they have a high probability of winning. I don’t know if I can trust to work with Dan at this point. I think he is too mad and will play me later on which I get. This game definitely isn’t getting any easier!

oh y'all are in for a treat- we doing video confessionals ALL merge kids! Welcome to the 3 part saga of the Final 11 Vote, where I get cut off by my birth control alarm, the tribal council call, and some bullshit all in the span of 30 minutes whew

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ShZLFvoQ96aSRUHBUMzuoNkxB93eph60/view?usp=sharing 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SBAw--aQAtzQCtUwSP9EaCeMRTymJ8P3/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Vyag5Bijk1-L7NyAumeYDk7z3z_Q2p6m/view?usp=sharing

Sorry for ugly crying y'all LSDJFLDSJF.  Also, this happened while the video was uploading but Dan ALSO gave me some other kind of advantage that I don't really understand I'm... confused. Anyway, I hope that things get better soon so that he and I can take on the game together. <3 https://youtu.be/745M9EmNtT4

Well well well! You know it wasn't exactly the prettiest path there, but at the end of the day, I got what I wanted with the vote. I have to admit my feelings are just a little hurt, because at the beginning of the round, when I pushed to vote out Owen with Autumn, Kevin, Juls, Jules, and Lily, Autumn was so irritated with me that she began to push the target onto me and blow things way out of proportion when I was literally just pushing a simple idea. Anyway I then had to fight with everything I have to make sure the votes were on Ruthie instead, I had to have Juls and Jules go up to bat for me, while also pitching my case to Owen and Kevin and getting all the votes back on Ruthie. I did all that work and then 5 minutes before the Deadline Kevin says one thing to Jules and that's enough to entirely shift the vote and get Owen eliminated? Like it doesn't matter when Ravenclaw is clearly coming for me (Fuck off Dan), I'm expendable, but now that they're coming for you, oh, Hell will be rained down upon us. Yeah that's bullshit, but it's fine. Unlike some people, I'm not going to let my emotions impact my game and go on a targeting tirade against Autumn or something even though she really rubbed me the wrong way today and lost a lot of my trust and faith in her. That's her bad for having a messy social game, when she could've kept me as a close ally who was blindly ready to follow and trust her and she fucked that up, so that's her mistake. Not my loss, I still have half the game wanting to protect me yo. The jury as it stands right now does not look too hot in regards to my winning chances.. :P Max would definitely vote for me I think, but Jacob C and Owen.. yeah probably not. I could see Owen voting for me but I think he's understandably pissed that he sacrificed a lot for me and it didn't go well for him. But again that was his mistake, I told him to keep the vote on Ruthie and that we shouldn't be trying to do any secondary plans, and he didn't listen to me. Everyone keeps not listening to me and it's very frustrating bc I keep being right about everything, but oh well. Sometimes that's just the way it rolls in Survivor and you have to accept it until you have the power to get what you want done DONE, that's the patience and hard work of Hufflepuff speaking luv. TENACITY! .....Now, Dan reacted to this vote terribly. Honestly I would pop off and write a bunch of essays, but let's just say Dan has always been really condescending and just dismissive. He has an incessant need for control in the game and he literally like.. BLEW THE FUCK UP because of one simple vote??? So useless, and so gaslighty. Disrespectful to act like he's gonna quit, too. Just quit then. But whatever, Dan's tantrum is just adding more of a target on his back and taking all the target AWAY from me so I'm more than okay with that!! :D I think there will also be another target on Ruthie yet again because people will still be nervous about Hufflepuff numbers. Possibly a small target on Joanna for her inactivity and just general bad position in the game (which sucks to say given what's going on in her personal life, but that's just how it goes sometimes). At this rate though what I really need to focus on is jury management and improving some of my rockier relationships, because I think after this vote, I have survival down pat for a few rounds, which is great since I also have the idol to use for later when it comes down to it. We'll see what all happens though, this has been me reporting on the mess... What a time!

My PM's are EXTREMELY dry and it really irritates me.  Right now I feel like the entire tribe (minus Dan) are against me.  Landen and I talk every morning and it just sucks.  I did a lot of thinking last night and I've come to the conclusion that Landen is running this game and he is TIGHT with everyone.  I think that I can play off that I still want to work with him and Lily but I have to figure out a way to get Jules or Juls out to weaken him.   Owen gave me a lot of information yesterday that Juls and Jules were pushing for me to go and that Dan and Autumn wanted Landen to go.  I'm pretty sure Dan will vote however I ask him to and if Autumn and I could form some kind of bond... I need to see where Lily and I are because maybe she, Autumn and I... and maybe Kevin and someone else? could work together to bring someone out of the group of Landen/Juls/Jules down, and Dan would definitely vote with us. I ultimately feel like my name is mud right now, so this round I am going to just sit back and do more listening than talking. 

It has been rough in real life for me these past couple of days. In game drama doesn't make it better. Apparently Owen wanted to vote me out and then messaged me that he was worried his name was being thrown around. I, who was in the middle of having a mental breakdown, did not respond. It's funny when all I want to do is vote with the majority I don't vote with majority. I'm really frustrated with real life right now, I don't want this game to be frustrating too. I'm still going to try my best because I want to win this game, I just wish it was easier to do so.

OF COURSE.... I tie... with the person that wants me to go home, LOL. We were talking right before results though and have maybe cleared the air.

Now here comes my favorite part of the game where we all wait until tomorrow with like 4 hours left to the deadline to scramble and agree on the vote when if people just stopped being fake and safe and all angsty about "PARANOID BULLSHIT" then we could all easily come to the conclusion that we are splitting the votes on Dan and Joanna now instead of like 10 years from now. Pls. i don't see anyone other than the 2 of them and ruthie getting votes here, and if it happens this game is cancelled.

Chips is literally the only one talking to me right now and it is SO awkward, LOL. UH.  lJFJSLF i shouldn't feel so guilty HE WAS VOTING FOR ME!!!!  I AM NOT THE ONLY BAD GUY IN THAT EQUATION. 

My only purpose in this game now is to serve my ever loving lord and savior, Ruthie

It's so quiet today! I'm trying to figure out why... Did Lily tell people about my idol in a bid to change the vote yesterday and now this is a plan to flush my idol now because they couldn't get rid of it last time? Is Lily completely loyal to me and Im wrong for even SUSPECTING that and I'm just super paranoid and really people are just busy/don't wanna come online rn? That doesn't seem to be the case... I've definitely lost before because I don't trust my gut about the day being quiet as hell. *I GLANCE AT YOU THREE HOSTS VOTING ME OUT IN THE QUIETEST DAY EVER.*  I feel like I need to do more to survive but I've been put in an awkward position because I was told last round that I am 'too much' and should stop fighting to survive bc people view me as paranoid and pushy. So I am trying to exercise some self-restraint, but also I don't want to wait too long before I have a chance to genuinely figure out what the hell is going on and change this vote. I feel like there are some likely scenarios. 1 - People know about my idol, and they're trying to flush it by spooking me out when the vote is really on Dan 2 - People are trying to vote Dan but are very worried about him having 2 idols, so they're maybe putting some votes on me as well? 3 - People are trying to vote out Ruthie and don't want to tell me and Lily because of how they think that we're the ones who worked overtime to keep Ruthie safe and they're very concerned about Hufflepuff numbers 4 - People are straight up trying to vote me after Ruthie made up with Jules last night (maybe Jules revealed that I sold Ruthie out?) I am getting really ominous vibes from just the whole layout of this vote right now. I don't like it at all and I feel like something mysterious is going on, like people definitely did something weird that I don't understand and I'm just trying to put my mind 2 steps ahead of everyone else and I feel like I'm falling backwards. I have no idea what's going on tonight but I know it's not as simple as people are telling me like people are not being honest with me and that's pissing me off because I've been nothing but honest and kind with these people, consistently. :/  WHY. ARE. THERE. MIND GAMES. RN!

Honestly, this is a make or break part of the game for me. I had my tantrum and now, I'm trusting everyone to not vote me out tonight??? Autumn did some leg work to try and get the vote on L*ly.  So I'm hoping that happens. I could play my idol tonight and throw a vote on like Kevin or Landen or somebody just in case there is another idol play? I'm not sure. All I know is that if I play my idol, I'll be here for another round for sure, but if I don't, I could be the dumbest player ever!

I... don't know how I keep getting myself into these messes, haha. I don't know what I'm going to go, here I am thinking everything is going to be all fine and dandy and kind of chill and KEVIN HEARD THAT I THREW LILY'S NAME OUT... which I didn't, Dan mentioned Autumn would vote her and I told Autumn that I didn't really trust Lily and Landen and she just kind of went with it but then... if it got back to Kevin I kind of think that it was my idea I think that I'm screwed. I just feel like there is this huge wedge between the two people that I was the closest to in this game and me now and I don't know how to fix it so I'm just going to vote one of them out??? I...  have been so messy this season, lol. I gave Dan back his idol but he says he is going to send it back to me if he decides not to use it... we are playing idol tag. 

I am a damn TRAINWRECK this round!! I tried so hard to hold myself back from talking to people a ton and getting worked up and into a frenzy about this vote but here I am, now trying to hit up like seven different people. I've never felt so confused about a vote before, it's so weirdly quiet and I have no idea why and nothing makes sense and what the HELL is going on???? Like I'm... I'm straight up lost and confuzzled. At this rate I'm just gonna drop that idol like it's hot regardless because I have no idea wtf is happening and it's better to waste it than to go out with it in my pocket, right? ...I think???? Or maybe stuff will come out and I'll feel more confident later and I won't play it, I dunno! All I know is whatever's going around right now doesn't match the vibes I normally get from these people ever and it's FREAKIN me the hell out. 

So pretty opposite of the last vote. No one is talking. No one is sharing ideas. No names. Except dan and it’s 8:30? I think it’s gonna be a split vote tonight because who knows if dan is really gonna play his idol. The only person at this point that I trust 95% is Landen. He has told me the truth about what he thinks genuinely and told me he has the merge idol. I feel a little sketched out by Kevin and Ruthie from last round but I do think they would at least be honest and tell me if I was going to be the one voted out if they knew. I’m trying hard to work with autumn but she’s a tough cookie! She has something up her sleeve and I’m not sure of what just yet. All I know is it’s hard to trust anybody out here but is that really a surprise?

tell me why this game is still stressful...when i have immunity and PURPOSELY aint trying to do anything besides vibe...WHY AM I STILL STRESSED!!!!!!!!

Hm.. found out in the last ten minutes before votes were due that a bunch of people were voting me. Unsurprising (I guess at this point...) it is led by Owen someone who is supposed to be in a alliance with me. Choices? Anyway, Jules let me know that I was being thrown under the bus and asked if I would be down to flip on Owen. Yeah. Sure. If he wants to vote me I'll vote him?? Looks like something similar is happening this round. It might not be be me but why let myself think so. Dan is the "obvious vote" because he decided he's not aligned with anyone and outed that he had an idol but the group wants to turn on Lily this round. I dunno I guess I'd be cool voting Lily? She hasn't really worked solidly with me so far and I need to get into smaller numbers before I feel safe making any "bold" plays since a lot of these people have been wishy-washy up to this point.

HAHAHAHAHA I’m at work !!! AGAIN!!!! anyways people wanna do lily but that’s sketchy bc dans idol needs flushing I think autumn is working with dan I just told landen and lily who weren’t supposed to know about the vote bc I don’t want lily to go I hoped one of them had an idol but they don’t so well. Here we are. I might’ve screwed myself over here but I think I was screwed either way tbh just with how the rounds would’ve played out with Lily going then probs Landen (dan maybe plays idol) but then me juls/jules are in trouble after that point bc I think autumn and dan have something going on and Ruthie is in on it bc she is close to dan so. Here we are. Good Luck Charlie. (I’m Charlie)

I honestly feel so bad right now.  Lily does NOT deserve this but I think that it will appease everyone and she is a great player that I would not like to be sitting at the end with, I feel like she would easily win over me. 

I just got into an alliance chat with Lily and Landen (Double L cute) with me and Autumn my F2 and then Joanna who apparently knows nothing until Autumn tells her. It's neat because I ALREADY know how I'm setting myself up not to win this season more and more as I continue to play the merge portion poorly. We are going to vote out Ruthie because she's a double agent with Kevin so maybe they are another duo in the game? Guess we'll see how this goes.

[reactingtosomething]

Reacting to Sweet/Vicious

Part I: Remember Fondly When 4th Meals Were a Thing and Breakfast at Night Reigned Supreme

The Setup: It started, as much does, with a tweet. That tweet was followed, as many are, by regret. Fortunately, Jennifer Kaytin Robinson is a generous sort.

Robinson’s glorious but short-lived vigilante dramedy Sweet/Vicious was always on the list of candidates for an all-hands Reaction -- Miri started watching a day or two after Kris did, back in the fall, so Liz and Marchae added it to their (lengthy) to-watch lists -- but we didn’t put a timetable on it until our loyal reader @crazyhannibalthedaisiesslayer suggested it.

In this post (and its continuation, on Friday), we cover the first three episodes: “The Blueprint,” “The Writing’s on the Wall,” and “Sucker,” and many thoughts and feelings about campus sexual violence and related topics.

LIZ: First thing: I only had time to watch the first 3 episodes, although I wish I’d been able to see more!

Kris you here?

MIRI: Ok, that’s how many I rewetted!

MARCHAE: I watched 4

KRIS: GOSH DARN IT

MIRI: DAMMIT rewatched 

hahahahahha insert gif here

So, Liz and Marchae, what did you think????

MARCHAE: It is oddly addicting

KRIS: Why oddly?

MARCHAE: I think because I used to work in student affairs and dealt with some of the scenarios so in that way it is weird to see a comedy/drama of this topic

LIZ: I am IN LOVE. I thought episode one was amazing and I am pretty much hooked. I am here for the message and the premise and i think every college campus needs these 2 ladies!

MARCHAE: however the characters are 100% engaging and you want them to win so hard...

I called my mom after episode one and was like should i feel bad for wanting to see the guys get beat up

LIZ: The way they show the victims of sexual assault and discuss their stories is just so real even though the show suspends our disbelief in other ways so much

MIRI:  Marchae, I don’t think you should feel bad

How do you feel about how stylized it is? I love it, but I feel like it’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea

LIZ:  Rapists who are getting away with it 100% and ruining their victims lives? no I would not feel bad

KRIS: When I first saw trailers for it (while my old roommates watched MTV reality shows) I was like oh, man, I don’t know, this seems like it might be trashy and exploitative

MARCHAE:  I do agree Lizzie... it’s weird because my brain wants this to be a straight drama

yet i am oddly satisfied with the moments of comedic relief

LIZ: I didn’t think the stylization was OVER THE TOP

MIRI: Yeah, it’s a hard show to sell but SO GOOD

LIZ: theres a lot of comedy

MIRI: I think it all works together beautifully

LIZ: agreed

I was pretty much in love

KRIS: I was almost upset at how good it was

MIRI: For me, the cold open of ep one says it all

KRIS: I had to text Miri immediately

LIZ: and then they were singing defying gravity in the car and i was like

KRIS: THERE’S A LEVERAGE WRITER

MIRI: You were definitely upset

KRIS: THE EMOTIONAL CLIMAX IS A WICKED SINGALONG

MIRI: THERE IS???

LIZ: yeah

like

MIRI: WHo?

KRIS: BRANDON MYCHAL SMITH FROM YOU’RE THE WORST

M Scott Veach

MIRI: Cool!

LIZ: oh end of sentence about defying gravity.. i felt like the show understood my soul

MIRI: Moment of appreciation for Brandon Mychal Smith playing SUCH a different type of comedy equally well

LIZ: ALSO.. it takes a certain type of weird ass show for all 4 of us to be VERY on board.. and I also like that about it

KRIS: He’s one of the only men who can say the word “bitch” and not make me a little uncomfortable

MIRI: True!

hahahahaha

LIZ: Is that Harris?

MIRI: Yes!

KRIS: Yeah

LIZ: I LOVE HIM

MIRI: Yay!

KRIS: One of the reasons I really wanted us to do 3 episodes was so you could see the start of his thing with Fiona

LIZ: What do you think about that?

MIRI: Is that the sorority girl?

KRIS: I like it!

Lemon as the one of us with the most first-hand sorority expertise what’s your general sense of the Zeta dynamic?

LIZ: I identify with the sorority characters who are actually smarter and much more .. defined as human beings than most would give them credit for or that they initially come off as

KRIS: (Harris gets crystallized so instantly with the line “I’m not saying I have sexual dreams about Ruth Bader Ginsberg... but I’m also not saying I don’t”)

LIZ: I mean.. I had several (male) friends and family members say to me when I joined my very small.. one of a kind local sorority.. “oh so you’re a sorostitute?”

MIRI: SUCH A LINE

LIZ: Yes i have a note about the RBG line

MIRI: UM that’s horrible and fuck them

LIZ: right, but that kind of mentality and characterization of college aged women who are friends with other women in the form of a sorority is so widespread

MIRI: The pilot honestly does SO much to characterize Jules, Ophelia, and Harris so quickly

KRIS: I do really like how they initially lean into the less generous expectations about sororities and then flesh out I think all of those characters in great ways

Mackenzie was a sleeper favorite for me

(the anxious redhead safety chair)

LIZ: this gives them facets.. like fuck what you thought about me and also.. I don’t have to not like to do my makeup or sometimes dress up for me to be a smart or valid female.

MIRI: I feel like Kennedy takes a little longer, but not in a bad way

Liz, you are amazing and I love you

LIZ: i don’t know many shows that give girls that kind of credit.. very legally blonde of this show..except Elle Woods was the exception there

MARCHAE: They have to save Kennedy (I say this not Having seen more than 4 epi)

KRIS: You will be pleased

MIRI: Definitely

LIZ: Visually, I am impressed with the shows set designs, makeup, and wardrobe

MARCHAE: I feel like they have to hold her close because of nick and Jules 

LIZ: hold who close?

oh kennedy

MARCHAE: (Also back to thumbs on the phone)

KRIS: I LOVE the world-building, especially on what I assume is a pretty small budget

MIRI: I do love her moment when Ophelia tells her she has a very calming presence and she’s just like “I know"

LIZ: yeah i am also worried about her

KRIS: Lemon talk about makeup

MIRI: Yeah!

LIZ: ITS EXPENSIVE

KRIS: (please)

LIZ: what else?

oh as far as this show is concerned

MIRI: yes, world building 

LIZ: Jules and Ophelia (yes to the names btw)

have such amazing looks and their hair is bouncy like they are comic book drawings, but their makeup isn’t like that (bc that would be fucking bizarre) and I love how the fresh rosy-cheeked and bright eyed look of Jules is enhanced with her makeup and Ophelia’s brows and eye makeup are dark and defined/ grungy at times, but she is also kind of sweet because they don’t cake her up or give her a heavy lip.. idk if that makes sense to anyone else

their eyes are so expressive as actresses

and then they’re important because of the ninja outfits

MIRI: That all makes sense to me and I would never have thought of it at all

KRIS: it is right on the edge of my comprehension

MIRI: Sidebar: SUPER excited for you to see more Orphan Black and discuss that makeup

LIZ: but I am pleased with the fine line between real world and cartoonish that the MUA on this show kind of stride beautifully to give them unique looks that foil one another and bring out their strengths and sometimes their faults

KRIS: Ophelia I think I understand best in this context

MARCHAE: YESS LIZ!!!

I do want to ask a question

LIZ: It is more subtle with Jules, because she is made to look more fresh, but I mean everyone on any show has lots of makeup on

ok done w makeup ranting/ observing

MIRI: What’s up, Marchae?

MARCHAE: *sorry liz...go on***

LIZ: oh no thats pretty much it

are you getting things in real time marchae? (with your computer)

MARCHAE: I wanted to chime in about wardrobe because it’s super similar to the way in which makeup is handled... and you definitely know who these people are and the kind of persons that this show is trying to share

MIRI: Ooh, please do!

LIZ: oh yes, the wardrobe feels almost theater like to me.. do you agree or am i wrong

MARCHAE: ( It was touch and go for a moment but me and my thumbs are finally #winning on the computer... I couldn’t take the tiny keyboard anymore)

LIZ: bless you for trying

MIRI: I never really notice Ophelia’s wardrobe that much, but the props they have for her are iconic and say so much

MARCHAE: I think it does... the show feels VERY comicbook-esq like I mentioned it reminds me very much in aesthetics to deadly class and there is another comic that focuses on a high school that I’m blanking on

LIZ: was this ever a graphic novel or comic book?

MARCHAE: but you get a lot in terms of wardrobe via colors that they use for these characters... Ophelia is almost always in darks, Jules in pinks and pastels

I quick checked and didn’t see it

KRIS: it was original to Jenn Kaytin Robinson

I mean she did a shit ton of research, and the producers watched The Hunting Ground and stuff

LIZ: nice..and yes I agree with the colors

MARCHAE: But these choices are interesting because they are almost opposite to the characters we meet in the show

LIZ: and the fact that Jules keeps her identity even as a vigilante with her pink backpack

MARCHAE: so Jules we meet as the original vigilante and she’s the one in the brightest colors ALWAYS in the show

LIZ: and then Ophelia has that car!

MARCHAE: that backpack is definitely our hint

MIRI: Because she’s trying SO hard to still be that girl

KRIS: Oh that’s so interesting. Jules is super dark and “damaged” and Ophelia’s ultimately a sweetheart.

MARCHAE: and Ophelia is always in darks

LIZ: right!?

MARCHAE: **taps nose at kris**

MIRI: I like that even when they put Jules in the Spitters are Quitters shirt, it’s light colored

MARCHAE: so its totally the opposite of what we see

in terms of how they are portrayed in their “normal life”

any who enough of my rant

LIZ: I find Ophelia to be much more innocent.. not because of being sexually assaulted, but because she is kind of playing catch up and barfs when she kills a guy and Jules obviously took this mission upon herself to become a kick ass fighter and to start doing something

MARCHAE: liz i absolutely agree

ophelia definitely the more innocent seeming of the two

KRIS: Ophelia’s so fucking great

MIRI: Yeah, Ophelia thinks of herself as So Hardcore but is basically a sweet 19 yr old with some abandonment issues

I love her

MARCHAE: and she tells you as much in her dialogue

LIZ: I love her!

MARCHAE: some is an understatement miri

KRIS: I loved the vomiting and I don’t even know why

MARCHAE: she has ALL the abandonment issues

LIZ: i loved that it was pink

MIRI: Because it’s pink!

KRIS: I guess the unexplained pink?

MARCHAE: the vomiting is AMAZINNNGNGGGGGGGGG

LIZ: yes

MIRI: It’s absurd and so totally the show

LIZ: hahahha

KRIS: wow we are ALL on a wavelength tonight

MIRI: But it is!

LIZ: like.. I don’t need to see chunky soup barf

i get it

MIRI: The show is 100% going to show you the puking

MARCHAE: i usually don’t want to see it at all period ever

but it works for the show

MIRI: But it’s also going to make it funny and stylized

MARCHAE: and that character as kind of a she seems hard core but is not!

OH OH

KRIS: LeBong James

MIRI: YES

MARCHAE: so my question and this was a thing that kind of made me curious

LEBONGGGGG

MIRI: She’s a nerd ❤️ 

LIZ: There is a lot of suspension of disbelief in this show.. not bc girls can’t fight injustices, but because of how they  should’ve gotten caught and how Ophelias mad hacker skills save the day alot

LEBONNNGGGGGGG

MIRI: I feel weird being the only one who hasn’t said LeBong

MARCHAE: (THEY MURDERED SOMEONE CLUMSILY AND CHICA BARFED ALL OVER THE SCENE!!!!DNA MUCH)

there it goes

LIZ: Also the male assailants aren’t even cookie cutter like on other shows or movies

MIRI: I KNOW BUT JUST GO WITH IT

KRIS: Without spoiling anything I’ll say they’re generally really good about chickens coming home to roost

Maybe not DNA specifically? But the show is serious about Consequences

MARCHAE: so question... what institution do they go to where there is an assult like every freaking second

LIZ: they are all different and some are even charming (most are) and they have different personalities and hobbies.. like Nate is acting like a really good boyfriend to Kennedy so if we didn’t know what he’s capable of, we’d forgive his jerk reaction to her missing his football thing bc of his super sweet apology

MIRI: Well, it’s Darlington University, right?

KRIS: Well A) that doesn’t actually strike me as unrealistic but B) I got the sense of a “backlog” of assaults -- they’re using that wall, which was started who knows how long ago

MIRI: So it’s at least big enough to have masters programs

KRIS: not responding to like the student weekly or something

MIRI: True

LIZ: i mean i know so many people in so many schools (large, small, medium and very small) who all have sexual assault stories

MARCHAE: thanks for the wall reminder

LIZ: i didn’t find the number to be at all shocking

KRIS: yeah

MARCHAE: I think maybe again its the dissonance of this being a drama/comedy that has me a bit jarred

LIZ: maybe the number of guys that were turned in or reported seems high, but SO FUCKING MANY are floating around in my mind right now

MARCHAE: i dealt with lots (more than i have ever wanted to) but not weekly by any stretch

that definitely doesn’t mean it wasn’t happening

MIRI: Well, just because the show aired every week doesn’t mean it’s only a week in universe

LIZ: right

thats true

MARCHAE: thanks gang

MIRI: And Kris is right--they definitely go into past exploits some

KRIS: That wall, man

MIRI: It is BRUTAL and so effective

MARCHAE: yeah the reminder of the wall definitely does it.... i literally was like

DAMN this is INSANE and darlington should be shut the hell down

KRIS: I texted Miri something like “I never do this but there’s a pure drama beat that made me 😭😭😭😭”

LIZ: I wish every college had a wall

KRIS: and it was definitely Ophelia handing Jules the Sharpie

MIRI: He did and I treasure that text

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

LIZ: oh something that I meant to google.. could be such a coincidence

MARCHAE: UGHHHH

LIZ: at my college, in the same kind of font.. the party dorm/ suites were called “Reimert Hall” and they are like “see you at Leimert” spelled the same and then they show “Leimert Hall” and it is creepily spot on

KRIS: Huh

MIRI: Whoa 

LIZ: not related to the wall

separate

MARCHAE: we did have a question from one of our readers and I promised I would bring it up to react to

LIZ: lol.. it is student housing but.. idk weird to me but maybe not to anyone else

MIRI: Yes, I want to talk about that!!!

LIZ: go for it! I don’t know the question

MARCHAE: about student housing or the question from our loyal reader

i get confused sometimes

KRIS: our loyal reader

LIZ: I’m assuming she means from the reader

MIRI: The question

yes

MARCHAE: BWHA

sorry

LIZ: mine was just a point thrown out and doesn’t really leave much to comment on haha

MIRI: Share the question with us, Marchae

MARCHAE: OH MY GRIEF I  am typing then stop to read...

LIZ: I know.. Kris and Miri are too fast for me

MARCHAE: ok so the reader wants to know if we read Ophelia as bi

MIRI: Sorry!

KRIS: NO STOPPING the overlapping is half of our charm

MIRI: Omg Kris

LIZ: There was one thing that made me think that

MARCHAE: GO!

MIRI: Ok, I am deeply bi-ased (hahahahahah) so I want yawl to discuss it first

LIZ: hahaha

MARCHAE: STAP!

MIRI: 😉

MARCHAE: go lizzie

@miri you are my everything LOL

LIZ: Harris said something about her being with Jule (I’m having a brain fart and can’t remember if it is jules or rule..)

MARCHAE: her being with rules?

LIZ: and I think Ophelia was like “not like that” kind of blushing

jULE*

damnit

KRIS: For all of my striving toward wokeness I am generally still slow to pick up on, I guess, Sapphic vibes -- although being a social media-engaged Supergirl fan is training me better -- but I did also note that on my rewatch

LIZ: but it was a micro second kind of moment that made me think.. oh she dates girls too.. cool

so what do you think Kris

KRIS: This is pretty convincing to me:

http://wistfulwatcher.tumblr.com/post/154191025349/harris-has-most-definitely-seen-ofeefs-kissing-a

MIRI: Kris I offer my services if you ever need a consultant on this quest

LIZ: OHHH and PERSON yes thats smart

MARCHAE: AHHHHHHHHHHH

I didn’t even pick up on it!

MIRI: Ahhhhhhhh shit I didn’t even notice the person thing

MARCHAE: SWEET

i also think there is a lot of tension with Ophelia

MIRI: Ok, Reacting to Something officially rules Ophelia to be bi

Or pan, who knows

LIZ: I kind of also thought that was just a more interesting way of putting it..  like IS THERE A LIVE HUMAN JUST RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HOUSE?

MARCHAE: the writing and ACTING are smart like that

KRIS: And on my search for gifs to add to the post later, the scene in the cemetery -- “I think you’re amazing” -- seemed to be another touchstone

MARCHAE: yes!

MIRI: So when we got this question I was like “huh, are people seeing that?

Outside of shipping her and Jules?”

MARCHAE: but we also know that Ophelia doesn’t have friends

MIRI: But upon rewatch it’s pretty solidly set up

MARCHAE: so before the question i suspected that she was just kind of enjoying her new friendship with this person

LIZ: wait whats solidly set up

MARCHAE: she’s wanted that

LIZ: her being bi?

KRIS: yes

LIZ: just confirming

MARCHAE: then after the question we received not only did I pay more attention, but I think again there is definitely some tension

MIRI: I’m honestly so jaded from shows that like to dip their toe in the idea of something happening but will never go for it that I tend to only accept stated queerness

MARCHAE: and she might have a crush on jules!

MIRI: But it does feel very genuine and deliberate here

Which is lovely!

MARCHAE: agreed miri

LIZ: good!

K: consider it canon

KRIS: I think it was a writers room with only one straight man

LIZ: Im HERE FOR THAT

MARCHAE: That’s kind of awesome!

KRIS: (the past tense here kills me)

MIRI: I love it

UGhhhhhhhh I know

LIZ: wait

is it done?

forever

KRIS: I don’t think I’ve ever been so upset about a cancellation

LIZ: LAWD

MARCHAE: yup

LIZ: I CANT

KRIS: They’re shopping it to streaming sites

MIRI: Guys, sorry we’re making you fall in love with a cancelled show

LIZ: THIS FUCKING WEEK

MARCHAE: yeah i found out today

yeah

MIRI: OMG did we not tell you???

LIZ: *BREAK FOR EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN*

MARCHAE: i was PISSED OFF

LIZ: NO

I DIDNT KNOW

MIRI: I’M SO SORRY!!!!!!!

MARCHAE: and like this is why I DON”T WATCH TV

LIZ: This is the devils week. why not this too!?

anyways

MARCHAE: LOLOL

LIZ: also.. good girls revolt was amazing (to me)

MIRI: I loved it!

MARCHAE: also can i just have my moment for the fact that this show also digs into the issue of racism

LIZ: why can’t bad bitches get a win? why

yes

MARCHAE: and handles it kind of nicely

KRIS: That scene was surprisingly upsetting

LIZ: super upsetting

KRIS: I love that it’s the cop we saw be nice to Jules

MIRI: Yes! Let’s talk about that froyo scene

It’s so well done

MARCHAE: reminded me of trayvon martin

MIRI: And the other cop recognizing that it’s wrong, but not stepping up enough to actually stop it

MARCHAE: i also love that is it harris?

LIZ: like he was being racially profiled.. but he also had the one good thing he was looking forward to smashed on the ground

MARCHAE: yup

LIZ: yeah just kind of being like “sorry, but this is kind of what we do, i won’t stop it”

MARCHAE: it is heartbreaking and realistic

KRIS: That younger cop also comes back

MIRI: I’m glad that they played it very seriously

LIZ: ooo

MARCHAE: I was glad that he didn’t want to be seen as only one kind of black when he fought back with the paper editor as well

KRIS: This show has a really deep bench of minor-ish supporting characters

MARCHAE: they better had!

KRIS: MM I think that’s episode 4

On a lighter note I also really appreciate the importance of froyo to the world-building of this college town

LIZ: yes I’m not familiar

MARCHAE: YES

MIRI: Froyo continues to matter

As does pizza

MARCHAE: and dairy queen soft serve

LIZ: In college, we would plan a whole trek to froyo (we got one a few min away my senior year)

MARCHAE: GURL

MIRI: We once drove to Waffle House at 4 am in the snow

In South Carolina

KRIS: From earlier than I remembered, too -- Ophelia running away from Barton and running into a guy carrying a cup -- “Tart?!”

MIRI: where they can’t handle snow

KRIS: YES the pizza place

MIRI: Huh? What is the cup thing?

KRIS: of froyo

LIZ: Food culture in college .. is something very important and lets think abouthtat

MIRI: OHHHH

KRIS: Ophelia has no patience for Basic things, clearly

MIRI: Also that running away scene is great

LIZ: and by think of that .. I mean.. remember fondly when 4th meals were a thing and breakfast at night reigned supreme.

MIRI: Ophelia has a lot of opinions and I have a lot of feelings about her

KRIS: (I love Jules’s “I like sunsets on Instagram”)

LIZ: ophelia is hilarious.. i love her comment “she’s literate”

KRIS: Ophelia’s ramen diet

MARCHAE: LOL

LIZ: and also that girl [Fiona] trying to be sexy and saying “there are no drapes” so seriously

MIRI: Yeah I definitely want to see that girl eat a vegetable

LIZ: and giving up and being  like “IM SHAVED” ahaha

KRIS: Lemon I laughed so loud at “She’s literate?” on my rewatch

MIRI: I love that girl!

MARCHAE: there are a ton of one liners

LIZ: yeah the popcorn for breakfast made even me feel like OH HONEY NO NUTRIENTS

KRIS: So real

MARCHAE: that’s usually my breakfast on sundays after i mop

LIZ: miri what are your many opinions about ophelia

MARCHAE: and i’m old

MIRI: WAIT

LIZ: my dogs eat better than I do so I get it

MIRI: Marchae eat real meals please I worry

LIZ: and you mop before you eat

MARCHAE: yes almost every sunday

MIRI: Ok back to my many opinions: as stated I LOVE HER

LIZ: i had a banana, fake chicken, vegan pasta and granola today.. that is kind of healthy

MIRI: I also really love her need to belong

MARCHAE: i eat popcorn, drink a pepsi and catch up on my shows

LIZ: her need to belong to who or what

KRIS: just in general

LIZ: I guess I am really new

MARCHAE: YES

KRIS: to have friends, to have a cause

MIRI: She’s obsessed with the idea that she’s this cool fuckup who doesn’t need people, but she needs people so MUCH

LIZ: I get that

MARCHAE: its evident from episode one almost immediately

LIZ: we all do! even when we aren’t good at.. people!

MIRI: She jumps head first into this insane vigilante thing

LIZ: MARCHAE

MIRI: and kicks it into a higher gear

LIZ: STOP DRINKING SODA

MARCHAE: i think it makes her so relatable too and you fall in love with her

LIZ: IT WILL KILL YOU

MARCHAE: (mostly only on SUNDAY AFTER MOPPING but WITH POPCORN)

LIZ: I know, she is the perfect.. not robin.. robin

MIRI: She hurts Harris so easily but would be devastated if she actually lost him

LIZ: yeah i love her apology scene to him

MARCHAE: but he loves her no matter what

MIRI: She thinks she’s beyond needing that sort of connection because she can’t have it with her mom

LIZ: just a girl standing in front of  a boy.. asking for her job back

KRIS: Yes her bad-friend-ness is great

MARCHAE: *snap snap snaps fingrs*

MIRI: But she’s wrong

KRIS: Dammit Ophelia you know I can’t resist Notting Hill

MIRI: and she needs people so badly

Also she’s just hilarious and brilliant and I love her and Harris’s friendship so much

LIZ: her mom was so rude to her on the phone it made me sad especially because Jules doesn’t have a mom.. and I know those were really briefly introduced to me, but I’m sure those are important issues

MIRI: OH YOU JUST WAIT

On the subject of friendship, there are a ton of examples of girls being very affirmational to each other that really interest me

LIZ: I also love that Harris is.. presumably straight and is not afraid to love RBG or Notting Hill

KRIS: I’m so jealous you’re experiencing this show for the first time

MIRI: Because sometimes they’re played for laughs

But not most of the time

and I love that

MARCHAE: YES!

MIRI: Like, the high girls just need to hug!

LIZ: I wanted to be in the back seat of their car screaming along to Defying Gravity

MIRI: And sometimes Kennedy is a bit ridiculous with her goddess stuff

MARCHAE: i love your love for defying gravity liz

MIRI: But for the most part it is 100% genuine

MARCHAE: Kennedy is the most

MIRI: And so what I do with my friends

LIZ: yeah kennedy suggesting that shit to ophelia was HILARIOUS

basically like “HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO GOOP.COM?”

MIRI: kennedy is indeed the most

MARCHAE: I am so CURIOUS about what happens when Jules tells her

KRIS: That shot where I assume Fiona and Gabby are on a dolly when they enter Vinylton high on shrooms is perfect

MIRI: So I love that there’s drunk girl in the bathroom type compliments and Woke Freshman type compliments AND really genuine support for each other

KRIS: sorry I was just slow there

LIZ: i think that kennedy will eventually (i mean who knows since it is cancelled) be an ally and join the cause or at least be supportive in a protective way

MIRI: OH JUST WAIT

MARCHAE: if she does I may ink myself!!!

KRIS: I repeat, I am so jealous you’re experiencing this show for the first time

MIRI: It’s a very well plotted season and that is all I will say

MARCHAE: *hugs kris*

UGHHHH i’ll probably finish it this weekend

LIZ: hahaha kris I’m feeling like that repetition is to keep yourself from spoiling

KRIS: There is Jules-Kennedy closure, for sure

Yeah, so, we went really long, even for us. Find the rest of our Reaction here.

EDITED 20 April 2019: You can and should buy Sweet/Vicious on Amazon, Google Play, or iTunes. If you’re here because you just watched Jennifer Kaytin Robinson’s Someone Great, maybe now’s a good time to renew calls for Netflix to add S/V to its library.

[munchkinxcop-blog]

Antonio

Antonio Dawson And Sylvie Brett had began a romance a few weeks ago, but they decided to keep it a secret because they wanted to take their time with it. With everything that Antonio was going through with the custody battle he felt like it was necessary. After a few days of getting together, Sylvie was on a call when a guy stole her wallet and she didn't feel safe going home, so he offered for her to stay with him. Antonio definitely felt like he couldn't say anything since he was on the case to take down the guy, however the guy was caught a week later. But Sylvie and Antonio didn't feel like they could make it with only seeing each other a few times out of the week because of their work schedules so they both agreed that moving in together seemed like the best decision for them. He understood that people would think they were moving too fast, and honestly between his custody battle, it may have not been the smartest move, but it seem like something they both wanted and hell what he needed to become happy. It was literally killing Antonio that he couldn't see his kids, or even talk to them. He just couldn't understand it because he wasn't the one that left Laura, he was willing to do whatever to fix this between them, except quit his job. Which was the only thing she was asking him to do. He worked too hard for years to become where he was at, to only give it up because she was scared. His job wasn't for the weak woman, and he honestly thought when he married Laura she could have handled his life. Of course when he worked in vice, that almost ended them in a divorce too, but that was why he moved to intelligence. Getting shot was all apart of being a detective sadly, it wasn't his first time getting shot and it certainly wouldn't be his last. Antonio always felt like getting shot was a part of the job, and it proved that whatever he was doing was right. It may be a crazy way to think, but it had to be true since he was the most respected detective on the streets. When Voight paired up he and Erin as partners, he wasn't pleased to say the least. He knew Erin was a great detective, maybe as great as him. However, Antonio has just been floating around the unit since Jules died and he just gotten used to that. He wasn't sure if he was ready for a partner, let alone a female detective. To him, Jules was the best female detective that he could have ever had. But since being paired up with Erin, he realized she was just as good as Jules. He knew it wasn't just a big adjustment for himself, but for her too. He just didn't want them to start hating being partners that it could have cost them their lives, however, it was starting to work between them. Although with everything that Antonio was going through with Laura and his kids, whenever he walked through that gate, he pushed those things from his mind and just focused on making Chicago a better city. It was sort of a rule they all silently agreed on when they walked through that gate and focused on a case. It could cost someone's life, or yourself, if the person didn't do that. Life was always going to happen, horrible things were gonna happen, the best way to become a good detective was to worry about those things when the shift ends. Antonio stepped out of his truck as he looked up at the station and he took a deep breath. As much as he loved being a detective, sometimes the job can have a troll on someone's sanity. It probably didn't help matters that his mind was already going crazy without seeing his kids. He took out his phone and he looked down, seeing if he had any missed calls or texts before he headed inside. Not seeing any, he placed his phone away and he walked in the district. He nodded his head at Sergeant Platt and he walked up to the gate. A few seconds later, he walked through the gates and he nodded his head at the people that were there before him. Usually he would be the first person there and the last person to leave, but since starting up the romance with Sylvie, that sort of changed. He knew Jay thought something was off with Antonio, but that was the only good thing about his custody battle, he could always use that as an excuse on why he was acting weird. He just wasn't ready to tell everyone about their relationship when his sister didn't know. Antonio walked over to his desk and he removed his jacket and placed behind the chair. He sat down and he took a deep breath. The cases lately they were working on all had to deal with gang and drugs and he was really wearing him down. Because of all the court fees, he was working a lot of overtime so he was overly tired. But all of this was so he could get his kids home, or he could have at least see them when he wanted. He would just be happy if he could get through a shift without Laura calling him and trying to get him upset. His favorite ones would be using Eva against him. Of all his kids, he didn't know why she always used Eva but she did. He would have reacted the same way with his other kids, so he never understood that. But then again, he never understood half the things Laura did to him. He just figured it was because of their divorce, it effected Eva the most out of all the kids.  

Erin

“Mommm…”

A single word, a title, yet it was absolutely the strangest thing to Erin for some time.  When Bash and J.J. had initially asked her if they could call her by this name, she’d grasped the full effect of just what it was to /be/ their mom.  She’d been stable in their lives by this point for a year and a half, living with them for the six months before.  She and C.J. had taken things slowly from the time they started seeing one another in August of 2014.  It was a slow progress as they tested the waters, ever cautious on both ends for the fact that he had littles involved, not to mention Erin’s slight aversion to relationships in the beginning.  

It took months for Erin to confess her feelings for the man, then months beyond this before she’d agree to stay with him on a permanent basis.  Even meeting his children was something that didn’t occur until they’d been together for almost five months.  Each step was taken with extreme care, right up until their July 24, 2016 wedding.  By this point, the two were no longer partners, ending their professional relationship when the two moved in together and went public with their relationship.  It had to be done, though Erin would resist it for a long while, not feeling complete without her partner there by her side.

There was something about being partners.  It was almost like a marriage of its own.  It had to be built primarily on trust, followed directly by respect.  The two things worked hand in hand and there was simply no one she could imagine trusting to have her back the way she did C.J.  Perhaps that was why the two ended up falling for one another the way they did.  They were with one another almost constantly and though they had their fair share of partner issues, at the end of the day, she trusted him.  

“Mommmmm.  We’re going to be late!”

Bash’s little voice brought a smile to Erin’s face as she was pulling on her coat on her way to the front door.  “Alriiiiiight Baaaaaash,” she returned, drawing it out just as he had, while J.J. stood behind Bash with a smirk to his face.  Erin was forever the last one to the door.  Every morning it was the same drill for one reason or another, rendering her the last one to the door, the last one holding up morning progress.  Bash instantly laughed at Erin’s mocking of his whines to her while C.J. placed a to-go cup of coffee there in her hand.  “You are the reason I make it to the door at all,” she stated in his direction as the man stole a kiss of her lips before scurrying the two boys out the door to the SUV that was already running in the driveway.

An hour later, both boys had been dropped off at school and the detectives had arrived at the district.  Forever recalling a time when the two couldn’t ride in together, couldn’t hold hands in the parking lot, and had to sneak in those tiny brushes of their hands against one another.  It wasn’t lost on Erin where they had begun, yet she wouldn’t go back to those days for anything.  She had the entire world in the palm of her hand now in these three men that she loved more than she ever knew humanly possible, determined to be a better mother than that which she’d grown up with, though it wouldn’t take much in all honesty.

As she climbed the steps, resting her hand on the scanner, she drew her coffee to her lips, facing a day of cop coffee that didn’t hold a candle to their home machine.  “I mean it.  Six o’clock and we’re out of here today,” she assured, a nod there of her head as she was heavy in plans that evening; sleep.  In truth, Erin hadn’t been sleeping.  She was barely scraping by in that department and C.J. had taken firm notice of it.  Tonight, she’d break her own personal rules if only to get some deep sleep, something she desperately needed to remain alert and on the ready.

Just inside the gate, she found Antonio there at his desk, getting settled in.  Ruzek, Olinsky, Atwater.  She cut her eyes over her shoulder as she heard some snide remark about how she used to be the first one in every morning, only surpassed by Hank who forever held the position.  “Yeah, yeah,” she argued, letting it be known to her husband that she didn’t’ want to hear it.  The flashing of his dimples, though it truly required no effort from him in the least, brought a smirk to her lips.  “You’re so pretty,” she teased, her smirk broadening into a full-fledged smile.

“Morning, Antonio,” she offered, placing her coffee against her desk, lowering her bag from her shoulder before opening her laptop to check the influx of unit emails that surely awaited her on that screen.  

Antonio

Antonio looked up from his desk, nodding his head at his partner. "Morning, Erin." He said and then he looked back down at the paperwork in front of his desk. As much as he loved being a detective, he hated the paperwork. Truthfully, he was just skimming through the paperwork because his mind was lost for a few minutes. Usually he didn’t allow this to happen at work but lately his life was a mess—and that included being a detective. The custody battle wasn’t anywhere close to being over, even though Laura was dating some wealthy guy. He found that news out from Eva, and Antonio was fighting like hell to at least get the kids whenever she chose to go away. But his lawyer said because Eva is 15, it was okay. Since he was so stressed out, whenever his shift ended, he usually just went to the gym to box it out. Although that helped him, it was causing tension at home between him and Sylvie because she thought he would rather be at the gym than at home. He always insisted that wasn’t true, but he could see why she thought that.

He felt his phone vibrate and he tore his eyes away from his paperwork for a moment to see who it was. He hated the feeling he got in his stomach thinking it could be his ex-wife. It was one thing to upset him while he was home, but at work, it was ridiculous. But he relaxed when he saw that it was one of his CI’s for the case that he was working on. He loved how many CI’s he had, and he wouldn’t do anything to risk that because if it wasn’t for them, half of his cases would go unsolved. The case he was working on right now was rough but with the text he just received, he knew he should be able to solve it. Maybe not today, but in the next few days. He looked over at Erin. “Take a ride with me somewhere?”

At the beginning of their partnership, it was hard because sometimes he was usually going on these rides alone---and he didn’t think anything about it. It had been years since Jules died and that was the last partner he had. And usually if he rode with someone, it was Voight and Al, and they allowed him to do whatever he wanted. Erin did also at times, but with a partner, you kind of have to let them steer into cases too. And at times that meant letting them take control and stand behind on some calls. The only good thing about that was that whatever Erin did, Antonio agreed with. And she was also a great detective like him so she never put his life at risk. Although it was his CI, he wanted them to formalize with each other in case something was to happen---like if Antonio was elsewhere, he could trust Erin to get the information they needed. And most of his CI’s were okay with that, as long as they were promised they could trust Erin. And right now it would be best if Erin came if he got the information and needed to stop by to speak to someone.

Erin

The morning routine included getting her jacket off, slipping her wedding band off and locking it in her desk drawer, then making her way to the break room where she’d fill her cup with shitty coffee that would mix with the coffee she had remaining in her cup.  She wasn’t functional until she’d had at least two; one before work, one on the way to work.  This morning the one on the way to work hadn’t been finished and therefore she’d top it off and consider it still her second cup.  Back at her desk, she’d draw up the phone to her ear, listening to the voicemails that sat in waiting for the unit from the overnight, jotting down any vital information that she’d then pass along to the rest of the team.  It wasn’t her job necessarily, as any of them could do it, but it was one of those things she’d taken up on her first day there and never quite put it down.

Over the next few minutes, she was finally waking the rest of the way up, finding herself more alert with every sip she took from the cup until she heard Antonio’s voice from across the short space between their desks.  Nodding her head, she put down her pen and rose from her seat, reaching to the back of her chair for her jacket.  “Sure,” she stated in response, not hesitating to go with him even if the partnership was still growing on the both of them.  The two together worked.  They both had reasons to not want to be partners.  For him, it was Jules.  A woman that Erin held the utmost respect for.  The woman that she’d stayed with until the end.  The one that she’d had to make that first impossible phone call to Hank followed by the impossible feat of going to the home of her husband and children and telling them that she wouldn’t be coming home that night.  For Erin, she’d been against her own partnership with C.J., forever thinking she was better off with either Hank or Al, not wanting anyone to slow her down.  She fought against it, but there was nothing to be done in the matter.  Those early days had been rocky, but somewhere along the line, the entire unit had to recognize that the dimpled duo was quite skilled when working together.  Little did any of them know, including Erin, there was a stronger partnership there than purely professional.  When they went public with their relationship, it was C.J.’s choice to divide their professional partnership for the sake of his two boys.  Erin hated it.  Though she’d respect it, she hated it.  It didn’t feel right.  The only way it was alright with her was if she and Hank or she and Al would be as they once were before she had a partner, but instead, she was paired with Antonio.  Truth be told, it was taking some time to find that chemistry that Hank seemed so sure would be there.

Once her jacket was on, she was reaching for her set of keys and drawing her gun to the holster at her side, meeting his eyes by way of telling him she was ready.  As she passed C.J.’s desk, two soft taps of her hand there to the corner meant she was on her way out and she’d see him later, but there was something more to it as well.  A silent I love you that no one else would ever understand, even if they’d seen it a million times before.  At the door of the unit, she gripped the handle as her other hand pushed against the fencework, pushing it opened where she’d hold it there for him without ever bothering to ask him where they were going.  There was always trust between the two detectives, that went without saying, and in moments like these, the rest of the unit could catch a glimpse at what Hank seemed to see all along, that the two of them were going to make great partners once they got the kinks worked out.

Antonio

Antonio nodded his head when she agreed to take a ride with him. He was sure that she wouldn't have said no, unless Voight needed them at the building for something. But normally Antonio took rides around the city when he's been staring at the same files over and over again. It wasn't like he took rides for no reason, he usually caught up with a few of his CI's for them to keep an eye out on something. He stood up, placing on his jacket and then he grabbed his keys. Although their partnership still wasn't entirely that new, it still felt weird when someone followed him on his rides. But this wasn't what he had to get used to. What was extremely difficult to get used to was someone's feelings on a matter, but he was getting used to it. Erin being a great detective made all this easier. He walked through the gate as he walked down the stairs.

As they walked down the stairs in silent, his mind was on his children. Laura insisted that the kids still didn't see him until the trial was over and the judge made a ruling. It frustrated Antonio to no end and was the reason why after every shift he went to his gym instead of Molly's. Even after they solved a big case, Antonio chose the gym instead of drinking with his friends. It was either going to the gym or doing something reckless to get his kids back. Breaking out of those thoughts, he headed towards the exit doors and he walked out. "Sorry, I just had to get out of there. Sitting behind a desk, staring at the same files was driving me crazy." It was the reason why Laura divorced him in the first place. After he got shot for the second time in less than 6 months, she begged him to take a job behind the desk, but that wasn't what Antonio wanted. He didn't worked his ass off to get this far in the detective world, to let it all go for a job behind the desk. It may worked for other people, but not him. Of course that meant giving up on his family, but what could he do?

Antonio looked over at Erin. "For the case, I just want to check in on a few of my CI's. They should have some information." Although he usually liked doing this on his own since all of his CI's only trusted him, he knew once the custody battle got deeper, there were some days he would need to focus on that. Besides, with a partner, he kind of had to introduced them. Well he didn't have to, but he wanted to. He just wanted to stop complaining about a partner and actually just trust their partnership. He understood her reasons because of CJ, but Jules died years ago, he couldn't be afraid of growing close to someone else as an partner and losing them also. Because that was the bottom line of why he didn't want a partner. Another person dying because he couldn't save them. He still had immense guilt over Jules death, but who's to say Erin would die the same way? Hell, he wouldn't allowed it. If anything, now he would be the one to knock on the door while Erin stays back. That was the one rule he made from the beginning and one rule he wouldn't change. Antonio walked over to his truck and he unlocked the doors.

Erin

The eagerness of the detective for her job was just as strong as it always had been, though in recent days it was slightly complicated in her own mind.  Although she didn’t talk about it on any level, there were things pulling on her that were difficult for her to process.  She’d wanted this, and she still wanted this, but there was just something she wanted more now.  Something she never really seemed to see for herself, but the desire was there.  It was surely anticipated throughout the unit that it may go in this direction for the woman after they all returned from Las Vegas where the unit was in attendance for Erin and C.J.’s wedding.  She wanted to add to the family that had begun with Erin, C.J., and his two boys.  She wanted one of their own, a baby that would take after the both of them.  She wanted to round out that family with a contribution of her own, but it was proving difficult to say the least.  It wasn’t something anyone in the unit knew about and it wasn’t something she was ready to talk about even, but the couple had been trying for months now to no avail and it was starting to get to her.  The issue made even more complex by the idea that if she did get pregnant, what would she do about her job?  

As the two made their way through the gate of the unit, down the stairs, and past Platt’s desk to find themselves outside, she heard Antonio begin to explain what it was that had him running for the door.  Erin understood and truthfully, there was more than enough boot work they could be doing to gain some perspective on the cases that laid stacked against their desks that it wasn’t unheard of for the two to slip away and see what they could find with their ears to the ground.  Although it was still different for her to be doing this with someone other than C.J., she couldn’t deny the natural chemistry that had always existed between herself and Antonio within the unit.  He was good police and she knew he was to be trusted, never doubting the man or his instincts as he arrived to work ready for work and nothing seemed to stop him.  Erin looked up to him in her early days within the unit and always would.  There were times that other detective’s morals were brought into question, but never Antonio’s.  The man was a man on fire and forever on point and for that, she could trust him.

“Sounds like a plan,” she offered, giving up a nod of her head as she’d go along with his decision to touch base with some C.I.’s.  They were the most vital part of the unit at times and though they didn’t want the credit for anything, everything they did went a long way for the unit as some things just were too deep underground for the police to sniff out on their own.  As they arrived at the vehicle that was Antonio’s department vehicle, she still hadn’t quite gotten used to not being the driver as she’d always been with C.J., though she made her way to the passenger’s side with a bit more ease every time.  “You doing okay though?” she asked as she climbed within the vehicle, waiting for him to join her within where that answer could be posed.  Knowing he was under a lot of personal things at the moment as well, she wasn’t so forthcoming with her own, but it was through his that trust could be formed on a personal level to where maybe one day the ironclad woman’s thoughts could be unlocked and she might just be able to speak freely.  Maybe.

-October 30, 2016

[thehobbblog]

Entry #25

It’s gotta be getting on a month right?

 Twenty five of these, generally I do them every night. Sometimes two in a day, but other times I forget to do them at all. Things got confusing in the halls, and I’m not good at math. I can’t even judge time by facial hair now that I’m cleaning up.

 It has to be about a month at this time. Shouldn’t I have seen something from my parents? An email asking how I am, or a Facebook post about a reward for finding me? Fuck, a news article that they died in a plane crashing coming to get me but something.

 Who am I kidding? We both know why Mom and Dad wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway. This extended vacation of mine is probably a relief to them, the longer the better. Who gives a shit?

This isn’t like me, I used to be the chill one. Voice of reason, very type B. Ending conflicts, mediating things. Not starting shit and passing judgment. Now I’m finding shit to be mad at, and I can’t tell you why. I’m just so irritable all the time.

 I don’t know what it is. Maybe this is just who Hobbs is when he stops getting his way. I like to think I’m not that type, but the evidence is stacking up against me. I don’t know how many more confrontations Weylinn and I have, before I finally break his nose. After that, I can’t be the good guy either. I’m just a bully who broke the Mage’s face because he’s too stupid to talk through a dispute.

 I could use “the excuse”. The same line every abusive parent, angry drunk and shitty boyfriend feeds to their loved ones. “No, it can’t be me. It’s not my fault. I’m a good guy, it’s just this shitty world.”

  I’m working really hard to be above “the excuse”.

 This is what I was ruminating on for most of the day. We made money giving the hammer to the blacksmith, and I spent my share getting my sword a bigger handle. It’s odd how mundane that sentence is, I almost forgot that I’m a fucking swordsman. People train years to do the shit I do, and I can see why, it’s really fun.

After getting it back, and practicing it’s not too much different. It takes a little more muscle to move around, but it hurts more. I’ll feel better if I can just make the bad guys hurt more.

In addition, Weylinn had time to tell us about what he wanted to do next. Stuart had time to practice intimidating the shellers. His choice of time wasting was more fun.

 Weylinn was trying very carefully to choose his words in such a way to get us to agree with something we obviously wouldn’t want to. He was talking about a “Lead” he had, where they would meet “Someone” in the direction of “Somewhere north”. Any attempt to get him to elaborate was met with very hostile demands of “What, do you have a better idea?”

The guy fancies himself a dark horse, but he’s a fucking idiot. You realize if you just told us “I want to go meet with someone shady in the desert, you want to come?” we probably would have agreed. We’re all for helping him do mage stuff, it keeps us alive. It’s like he’s going through extra effort to get us paranoid.

 He also told Geheim not to tell us anything. I don’t know that for a fact, but thanks to Anna I know the face Jules makes when she’s dieing to tell you something, and can’t. So yeah, I’m not happy with him. Whatever he’s doing, he should be honest about it. We’re supposed to be a team. The only reason he has to not tell us is if he thinks we’d get upset with him.

 If he’s hiding things out of fear, that means I might be getting to him. He’s still doing cowardly, probably terrible shit. But he’s understanding that there are consequences to his actions. Doesn’t seem to be helping, and I’m not sure it’s what I want. This team isn’t going to work if we all fear and distrust each other. I don’t know what to do about it.

 We get our things, and leave the Jewel again. The same heat, the same sweat, the same canteen and the same sand in my mouth. Maybe I’ll get used to this. Deserts were always cool, Lawrence of Arabia was a great movie. It’s fucking hot, but I don’t mind a little sweat. Stuart seems fine out here. It’s nice.

 We were marching for quite some time, and the night came. Just as the starflowers go over the horizon, you get a few hours of dim light. You can see without squinting, it’s not too hot. I like it, if not for the shifting shadows of possible dust things. It was about this time, where we were setting up camp. I don’t remember who saw him first, but we found the depressed Devily.

 He was just staring at something, and it was too dark to see what he was looking at. I start rushing to catch up with him. Say hi and all, and Weylinn stops me. He wants to check the area for traps and deception. I let him do his magic tricks, and he reconfirms that there’s nothing to worry about.

So with his permission to do exactly what we wanted to do earlier, we approach the Devily. Who starts reciting poetry. A lonely little thing, about traveling the desert. The narrator meets a beast, who greets him as a friend. The beast is eating his heart, and is oddly complacent about it. That’s more or less the poem.

 I thought I recognized it at the time, but I read so much poetry in school it was hard to remember. A quick Google search “Heat, bitter, eating poem.” and it confirms I’d read it before. Stephen Crane, an American realist wrote it ages ago. I’ll save you the lit-crit, but it’s a touching little thing. Either about how God sees man abusing their free will, or how the rational part of your brain confronts the rest of you or whatever else you put into it. I don’t know how the Devily got his hands on a relatively low-key American poet, but I like having other people down here that care for arts.

 The reason he was out doing poetry night in the middle of the fucking desert, was shivering in front of him. A Devily had burned, and laid amongst the wreckage of a raided caravan.

There’s no way of knowing who it is, or why it happened. Maybe the caravan’s owner had been raided and left for dead. Maybe a raider was ashamed of what they did to the caravan owner. Maybe some Devily ran away from all their responsibilities, and almost starved to death. Either way, it left a shivering, naked wretch crouched alone in the sand. Which is I guess what prompted the Devily to remember the verse.

 We talked about it for a while, what it meant to burn and what to do from here. Some of the group began searching for bits of mitral armour or a bow, but I’m fairly sure it couldn’t be Alice. If Alice was going to be consumed with her sins, it would have happened with the Butchery, or sacrificing Caramel’s dad or even just carrying around Violence. We might find her, insane and sinful. But her greatest flaw was not her conscience.

  Sorry I’m having a hard time staying on topic today. I’ve got my brain all scrambled.

 The Devily is deadpanning, as normal. Says he had been standing there, for quite some time. Just thinking of what to do with “her”. Leave her in the desert, to starve. Take her to the nearest town, to waste. Maybe just try to put her out of her misery so he can die doing something technically noble. I don’t know what his plan was.

 Living like that, it can’t be fun. Like, clearly they’re in pain. They have half a head and energy bursting out of satanic symbols burned in their skin. They’re stuck halfway between being a mindless beast and a living gravestone; because every time they are seen, people start theorizing. Oh, I wonder who that was. I wonder what they did. I wonder what they feel like. I wonder what happened to make them burn.

 They don’t have the sense to know they’re being treated like this. At least we think. They’re either reliving whatever made them burn, or just reacting on instinct. I dunno. Just looking at her makes me uncomfortable. Apparently, they do this when the sins of the world are just too much, and they can’t take it anymore. The Devily made it sound almost voluntary. Which makes him a bit of an oddity. If he’s depressed enough to kill himself, shouldn’t there be a similar thing? Maybe the reason he hasn’t killed himself is the same reason keeping him Devily. It’s hard to tell. Anyway, we just watched the thing for a while and the Devily asked us for our opinion. Immidiently fucking Anna turned the question around and asked him for his input. He did the sassing for me on that. We talked about the philosophy on it, and I gave the standard answer. “Life is always protected!” and all that. That’s what I’m supposed to say right? A Paladin—ex Paladin— who lost a loved one to suicide. I’m supposed to wage a war on the concept of depression or something.Star touring schools and talking about how therapy is the best. Fuck it. I don’t even know whose expectations I’m trying to live up anymore. I��m actually glad I’m keeping my own log, so I don’t have to rely on King telling my story. I am curious to what he’s saying. I wonder if I’m as much of a bitch in his story as I am in mine. I wonder if we’re going to see the Berry Golem, and I wonder what I can squeeze out of him in exchange for all the events that happen in his absence. He’s gonna want to see this. Anyway, eventually the Devily makes up his mind to guide the burnt one. He then asks to join us. Well of course he’s going to fucking join us. We’re down someone, we need the extra hands and we fucking owe it to this guy. You don’t get to have someone’s spouse killed and then deny them anything. Weylinn didn’t see it that way. He wasn’t sure if we could trust the Devily. The guy with nothing left to fight for, who cannot sin or deceive us. Weylinn thought he couldn’t trust him. Avram pointed out that he can’t be trusted because he looks like the devil, which is probably racist. Either way, Avram has a demon inside of him, so he’s not exactly in the best position to pass judgment. Anna agreed that we should take him on, and I’m glad I’m not the odd one out. I guilted Weylinn, because of the conversation we had earlier. Geheim promised to make sure he acts more nobly, so I dared him to go report to Geheim that he wanted to turn these two away. Over mistrust. Honestly, the only reason he has to slit our throats is pure spite for having his wife killed, and at that point we kind of deserve it. It’s decided he’d join us, myself and Anna taking the blame if he turns evil on us. He begins to order the burnt one around, and she followed them. I don’t know if all Devilys have this power, or just him. I do remember the Enforcer in the Daredevily settlement took care of burnt ones. They sit by the fire and had something to eat. I didn’t sit by the fire, I didn’t care to. I could see it from where I was sitting. I was happy on my dune, looking out over the sand. I’ve brought it up before, but I’m probably going to die here. I guess if I’m going to have a choice about it, I should get around to deciding how I want to go. Things would have been better, if I died a Paladin-in-training that everyone liked. Now if I die I’ll be a failed jerk, bulling everyone around and giving lectures. I don’t think I want to die fast, and I don’t think I was die easily. I wouldn’t mind dieing painfully if it meant doing something cool. So yeah, I cried a bit. I can claim sand got in my eye, or whatever. I just don’t understand what’s happening, or why any of it is happening. I’m being told on all sides what’s happening is out of my control and doesn’t matter. But then I get blamed personally for what happens, and the consequences are unbearable. I’m just trying to do good out here, but either I’m not a good person, or we’re all not good people. I have to double down on making everyone be better, but I have to do it without being a bully. I can’t stop the headache. I tried writing some songs down, but it didn’t help. This whole situation is pain. I gave up and started rummaging through my bag, and found the bunch of letters from Papa’s. They made me feel significantly better, and it’s hard to explain. Just comforting, you know? I miss him already. Stuart got too hungry to wait any longer, and got bored of intimidating the sun back over the horizon. So he came over to see me. He chirped, I chirped back and we chirped at each other until he got frustrated and tackled me. We both fell off the back of the dune, and tumbled into a pile on the other side. I tried to tickle him, he tried to slobber on me. My idiot bug and I have a great time. I hope I can go a while longer without seeing him bloodied. He’s too good for it. Edit: Addendum The night went absolutely horribly, by the way. A sandstorm moved in, and we had to bundle up very quickly. IN addition to normal sand problems, the sandstorm was full of dust ghosts, moaning and bumping into the caravan. Stuart and I bundled up in wool and sweat through the night, but we made it out. Nobody seemed to get infected, and now I’m even more pissed off about whatever Weylinn is bringing us out here for.

 In the morning, we didn’t speak much. Avram lost the fucking ring in the sandstorm, like an idiot. The Devily and the burnt one were kicking, and helped us set off. We move on.