#**Memo to self** Choose the right one before posting this

[inspired-lesson-plans]

Cosmic Snake - Use what you know about astronomy to prove whether or not there is a titanic cosmic serpent in our orbital path.

vs

Feminstein -Use textual evidence to argue whether or not Mary Shelley wrote the character of Victor Frankenstein as feminine.

[reflexionsagrado]

Lesbian or Bisexual? Part 1

Like many cisgendered women in our heteronormative society, I have been questioning my stance. I met a wonderful man who has made me go deeper into myself more than anyone I've ever met. Before him I very much thought I simply wasn't attracted to men. I thought on the outside they were nice, but not emotionally. I couldn't connect. That probably very likely has everything to do with my own upbringing, but men are very hard to connect with. You're constantly having to help them decode all the misogynistic things in the world and explaining to them the qualms of being a woman in this male- centered world. It begs the question do I like them because I am a caring human or because it's been shoved so far down my throat that I have to cater my entire life to men? As for this man that I met, he is a gem. Not perfect, but so gorgeous inside and out. We met in the most magical way. It was so authentic and beautiful. It makes me proud. Of course, looking back I was so risky, but I don't regret that risk at all. I've found a love that makes me feel, see, and discover. That's not to say I am not capable of those relationships with women, because I am. The few relationships with women that I have had crushed me entirely. I am a soft girl with a ginormous heart. Definitely, still human, as I can be way too nice, forgiving, and I falter sometimes leading with ego. With him, I have a partner and a teammate in a way I've never had before. He chooses me and I choose him, everyday since we met. Love at first sight? Maybe, probably. I saw him and I knew he was someone I didn't just want to speak to. I had to know him. He felt familiar and safe, yet this was a complete stranger. It was the full moon of September 2024, and I drove to my ex's house to drop off the last gifts she had given me, along with a note. The note was a final goodbye and a warning to change. I am so good, even until the end. I care so much about people. Too much, oftentimes. Every ex I have had has done me dirty and I have done my best to repair what was no longer reparable. I was always the only one trying, and always the fault. I'm too difficult and sensitive, yet they don't deserve me and I am so amazing. They always come back, so is it really me? I never go back to them, they run back to my closed off heart. I have had some exes stalking me and reaching out lately. Is it something in the stars? Anywho, I left the note stating that as much as I loved her, her behavior was unacceptable. I could no longer allow my boundaries to be crossed, and I hope she changes herself for the better. Yay me, being firm with my boundaries! After I left everything, I knew I needed to keep moving and I needed Spirit. I needed to talk to the wind and a body of water. I went to go to a specific hiking spot, but it was closed. So I went to the next best thing. I was sitting in my car recording videos and voice memos to my friends, updating them on everything going on. Then, out of nowhere this car pulls up and parks next to me. I had parked all on my lonesome and was irked someone would park right next to me. He got out and I softened. Here was this manly man with a backpack, film camera, and book. I started joking saying, since I forgot my *self defense tool* I should ask him to hike with me and that I'm not sure why I just feel he is safe. This mysterious man continued on to hike and I reparked closer to the entrance. When I got out of my car, I started walking the trail. I was so indecisive. I kept going back and forth, until finally I trusted my gut and walked in one direction. It so happened that the rock I posted up on was visual distance from the man. I could see him doing burpees and writing. It was attractive to me to see a man do the work to improve himself. I couldn't help but feel slightly jealous at how he could live so openly. I hide deep inside and try to make myself small, invisible. That's what I was a taught a woman should do. I sat there on my rock, talking with Spirit. Really begging with Spirit. "Please I call back all of my energy. Release anything holding me back.

[thursdayygrrrl]

hairstyles and revelations

⌦ .｡.:*♡

characters: cassie howard x gn!reader (they have hair long enough to style)

genre: very very very slight angst if you squint, mostly fluff, kinda idiots in love, first kiss

summary/excerpt: Maddy, Kat, and BB were supposed to be there but they all ditched. Maddy said she was going to be with Nate (which you thought was a lie since you all knew they weren’t on speaking terms at the moment, but you just let her go anyway because you didn’t want to put up with a fight). Kat said she had “things to do” and didn’t elaborate further while BB just ghosted. Leaving you and Cassie alone.

word count: 2,011

a/n: idk how to feel abt this ole draft but i thought it wouldn’t hurt to post since someone might wanna read it. also, the title sucks, it’s a bit self-indulgent, and it isn’t proofread (english isn't really my first language pls bear with me) so... don’t expect too much but happy reading anyways!

You and Cassie were in your room and you were nervous out of your mind. You had a small crush on her when you first met, but you were sure it was a superficial attraction solely based on looks. Once you spent more time with these girls, you weren’t quite sure if your crush on the blonde was still superficial. You could tell by your heartbeat and the million thoughts that were flooding your head.

One does not get this nervous when hanging out with a friend. Or at least a friend who you were pretty sure you were good at faking your feelings in front of.

Maddy, Kat, and BB were supposed to be there but they all ditched. Maddy said she was going to be with Nate (which you thought was a lie since you all knew they weren’t on speaking terms at the moment, but you just let her go anyway because you didn’t want to put up with a fight). Kat said she had “things to do” and didn’t elaborate further while BB just ghosted. Leaving you and Cassie alone.

When you hung out with her, it was always in a group setting. You thought she had discovered your crush on her and didn’t want to be around you alone because it made her uncomfortable.

You got the memo. It’s happened before, with your former “friends”.

You let that thought pass while scrolling through Netflix, trying to choose a movie to watch. She took in your room through her eyes. You didn’t know it, but she was trying to capture every tiny detail of you. Every poster up on your walls, every trinket on your bedside table, every book on your shelves. She wanted to know more than just the surface, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask you. Instead, she settled with silently admiring you from afar.

You position yourself and the laptop on your bed and finally clicked play on something.

When she hears it start playing, she makes her way over and sits next to you. You hand her a pillow while she asks you a question.

“What are we watching, Y/N?” 

“Bodies Bodies Bodies.” 

“Cool.” 

She nods. Both of you are unsure what to do now, so you let the movie fill the awkward silence that took over. You decide to calm down. Or at least try your best to do so. With that, you let yourself pay full attention to the movie despite having already seen it before. 

You don’t notice Cassie catching glimpses of you. She takes in your eyes, the curve of your cheek, the pinkness of your lips, and your silky hair. Specifically, the way it lays and flows, how you unconsciously play with it, and how you never seem to do anything with it. The most “done-up” your hair had ever been, at least to her, was during the winter formal. It was curled, made to frame your face. Simple, understated, and perfect. She couldn’t look away from you that night, and neither can she now.

When the movie hits a lull, you finally look at Cassie, only to catch her staring right at you.

“Woah, why are we… Do I have something on my face?” 

“Um, no, I was just—just looking at you.” 

She sounds flustered as she looks away, averting her gaze from you to your sheets

“Okay. May I ask why?” 

“It’s just, I think your hair looks good like all the time.” 

“Oh. Tha—” 

You didn’t know she paid that much attention to you. 

She cuts you off. A habit of hers you’ve grown fond of.

“Not saying that you should always be styling it or whatever. You should do what makes you comfortable and all but,” She hesitates. “I can’t help but think of braiding it.” 

“Huh?” 

“You know those braids we have during pep rallies and games? I do those and I wanna see what they look like on you.” 

You knew, you even saw her do Maddy’s hair before these events. Some of those braids looked intricate. You vividly remember thinking that Cassie was good with her hands. 

God, you need to get your mind out of the gutter. 

The thought of her hands running through your hair always seemed enticing. You’ll admit you fantasized about it sometimes. Maybe this would be a good way to grow closer to her. And, let’s be honest, you couldn’t say no to her.

“Sure, let me get a comb and some elastics.” 

You got up to find these items and sat in the middle of your bed once you had them. You rested your hands between your thighs, unsure of what to do with them now that you placed the supplies beside you. The mattress dipped as Cassie positioned herself behind you, on her knees to get a better view of the top of your head. She combed your hair to get rid of any tangles and parted it down the middle with gentle fingers. Then she got to work, setting aside the left portion of your hair to work with the right one first. You began to speak, letting the dialogue of the movie serve as background noise.

“I like hanging out with you, Cassie.” 

“Me too, Y/N. Thanks for having me over even without the others.” 

You waved her off to indicate that she didn’t have to thank you. 

“Are you liking the movie?” 

In truth, Cassie was only paying attention to you.

“I am! I love Alice.” 

“She’s so funny, I love her!” 

Another silence, save for the movie. You decide to speak up again.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Why is it that we—um, we never hang out? Like just the two of us?” 

She doesn’t respond.

Shit. Fuck, shit, motherfucking shit. 

Sometimes, you really should think harder before speaking.

“Sorry. I don’t know why I asked you that. I—fuck, um.” 

You swore under your breath. It was all you could think to say. She snaps you out of yourself.

“Hey, no. It’s okay.” 

She pauses, takes a breath, and continues.

“You never asked before. And I thought you didn’t like me so I didn’t wanna force myself on you.” 

The thought of Cassie thinking you didn’t like her made you want to vomit. Because the truth was that you liked her so much, it made you want to scream. To fall off a balcony. To hit something with a baseball bat. To do stupid, cheesy, romantic things that she always wanted from whatever guy she was seeing. Stuff like posting each other on your Instagram stories, wearing matching outfits, calling each other “honeybunch” or some other cringe-worthy pet name.

“What?” 

You asked exaggeratedly, dragging out the last syllable like a sitcom character caught in a lie, in a vain attempt to disguise the nervousness in your voice. 

“Remember when we first met? I asked you what your name was and it took you. like, a full minute to respond. And the last time we were all together at Kat’s house, you didn’t wanna sit beside me even if it was the only spot left. And it’s not like we talk outside of the group all that much.” 

You were grateful that you weren’t face-to-face with her at that moment because your eyes were freakishly wide. You didn’t realize that she noticed how you avoided her and how awkward you were around her. Regaining some composure, you mumbled.

“Thought you wouldn’t notice that.” 

“Well, I did.” 

Against all better judgment, you decided to just tell her and get it over with. People take risks all the time. You convince yourself that another one wouldn’t hurt. You unconsciously brace yourself for whatever’s about to happen.

“I like you, Cassie.” 

“Yeah, I know. You already said that, Y/N.” 

She says. You can hear the slight smirk in her voice, which will always be one of your favorite sounds. 

“No, I said I like hanging out with you. What I mean now is that—is I like like you. As in I have a crush on you.” 

Cassie’s fingers stop moving. You thought your question was bad? Now you think you’ve gone too far, that you were too blunt, that you fucked up yet another friendship all because you caught feelings. She could rip your hair off your scalp and you wouldn’t blame her.

The silence from her was unbearable. You tried to pivot, moving to face her, but she held you still. Her grip on your hair remained firm, not allowing you to turn around.

“Wait, don’t move. I don’t wanna have to redo this.” 

“But—” 

She interrupts you again. Using your words, she confesses. The words come out in a whisper.

“I like like you too, Y/N.” 

Now, it’s your turn to fall silent. You blink dumbfoundedly as it sinks in. 

“Wait. You—you’re lying.” 

She finishes up, securing your hair neatly with an elastic. You could feel the slight pressure on your scalp. Cassie moves her hands to the other side. 

How is she still so calm about this? 

"I’m not! I really do like you. And that’s why I respected your decision to not be with me outside of the group.” 

“The only reason I didn’t make moves to talk or hang out with just you is because I thought you already knew I had a thing for you and you got weirded out or something!” 

She couldn’t help but laugh at the incredulity of your shared predicament, especially at all the awkwardness the two of you could have avoided if only one of you were brave enough to have confessed earlier. You joined her in this laughter.

“What?” She asks, puzzled and in between giggles. “There’s no way I’d ever get weirded out by you, Y/N. I thought you would be the one weirded out by me. The dumb blonde cheerleader…” She trails off.

“Oh, god, no! There’s no way I ever thought that about you, Cassie. I mean, you’re—you’re thoughtful, attentive, smart, funny…”

She tried to stop herself from smiling so wide while she fussed with your hair. You trail off.

What was that word again? 

“You’re ethereal,” you whispered.

Found it.

She had heard all sorts of words from guys before, but it never felt real. It was as if they were reading from a script. But hearing it from you was the only way it felt genuine. She could tell you were speaking from the heart. You made her feel seen.

The absence of her fingers was your cue to turn around. Once you do, the both of you bashfully avoid each other’s eye contact. 

The air felt charged, You knew you had to do something, anything, so you begin to tilt your face to see her. But she cuts you off. Her lips crash into yours in a messy but passionate kiss.

This must be a dream.

Your right hand rests on her thigh as the other one pinches your own. The sensation serves to prove that this is, in fact, not a dream.

She keeps going, the desperation in her movements almost like a plea to explore you. You allow her to take the lead. She loosely wraps her arms around your neck while yours are now around her waist. She pulls away, both of you breathing heavily and warm all over. She whispers.

“I’ve wanted to do that for the longest time, Y/N.”

You look into her eyes, pleadingly, for a sign that this is real.

You look and all you can see is the love she has for you. It’s practically pouring out of her. You hope she sees the same from you because, by god, you feel it bursting through you. She continues.

“I’m so glad we’re friends but I’d be lying if I told you that I want us to stay like that. Just friends.”

This time, you beat her to it.

“If you’re asking me to be with you, Cass, then my answer is yes. It will always be yes.”

[leolo404]

🔥Astrology Observations Pt.3🔥

I hope you guys will enjoy another round of astro notes in my blog lol✨💖✨💖

⚠️Sidenote⚠️: Please take this with a grain of salt for not all of my personal observations will resonate you entirely.

🔥Fire/Scorpio placements love playing with fire and have a huge fascination for it.

(Btw stream Playing With Fire by Blackpink guys, I love this song soooo much💖💖)

⚡Neptune in the 10th house may not be able to know what to do in life and are oftentimes confused on what career/job to choose for their future.

🔥Neptune in the 3rd house can indicate someone who uses figures of speech as their way of expressing themselves creatively

⚡How's your sleeping schedule, Gemini/Sagittarius Suns? 🤣🤣🤣 Am calling you out @emeraldice 👀

🔥Mars in harsh aspects with Neptune can indicate someone who cope anger issues unhealthily by escaping reality and sleeping excessively.

(I got this info from @hillarysss during one of her events before. If you aren't familiar with her, go check her blog out! She does tarot reading and make astro related posts as well. They are really interesting✨✨)

⚡11th house stellium people are best friend material and they tend to be well-liked by others because they are truly amazing💖

🔥Earth/Air Suns tend to be night owls and they really love reading at night with a lamp or candle as their source of light

⚡Pisces placements can just be as perfectionistic as their sister sign, Virgo. But they tend to keep it hidden.

🔥Aries/Pisces/Cancer Venusians love tight hugs and they probably have a lot of stuff toys🧸🧸

⚡Libra and Capricorn Suns are underrated crackheads istg plssssss they are so hilarious

🔥Asteroid Vesta in Cancer tend to hide away from others when they feel like they are taken for granted. They are true care givers and are willing to carry the burden of others in attempt to heal them but when they aren't appreciated they tend to fade away and think things through before coming back to normal again.

⚡Libra/Leo placements are fashion icons, they are really fashionable and have great tastes when it comes to how they style themselves. You guys should try modeling💃✨💃✨

🔥I've noticed Aquarius risings are prone to being copied by others. Yes, many Aquarius risings I met have a different and original ways of doing things and with that, many people tend to copy them and I can tell how annoyed they are already from this😟

⚡Pisces is a tactful sign and are aware of other's feelings but if you have your mercury in Aries you may be more frank and confrontational. This can also apply to Tauruses who have their mercury in Aries.

🔥Vice versa as well if you are an Aries sun with a Pisces Mercury

⚡Sagittarius Sun/Moon are smooth talkers, it's so impressive. They do really know how to say the right things at the right time. This can also apply to Mercury in harmonious aspects with Venus 💖

GIF: TWICE🔥Yes or Yes🔥Momo

🔥Sun in 12H/Sun-Neptune/Moon-Neptune/12H stellium/Neptune dominant/Water Rising/Sun in 4H/Neptune in 1H/Pisces dominant can easily or possibly remember their dreams detail by detail and tend to write them on a piece of paper or a memo pad so they won't forget after.

⚡Random theory! I have this thought about why Leo Sun/Rising act the way they are (note: this is just a theory! Everything matters in your chart and aspects are important):

1. During their childhood years they were always loved and taken cared by their family and relatives. Always pampered and treated well and is most likely the famous sibling among their other siblings. Which is why Leos tend to be joyful and are very confident or...

2. During their childhood years, they didn't receive much attention from their family and lack emotional support from them. They can also be distant with their own relatives and tend to be the outcast. This leads Leos to rely on themselves and be more independent which guides them to being courageous and self-aware of themselves (Scorpio in the 4th house for Leo risings)

Whether 1 or 2 you are still loveable🥺💖💖

🔥Air/Water/Sagittarius/Virgo Suns tend to malfunction. Yes, we are highly aware that sometimes we just can't process anything so we just shut down out of nowhere and sometimes it can be totally awkward especially if we happen to malfunction in public😭😭😭

*Remembers the time when I malfunctioned and was just staring blankly at my food for 3 minutes straight and my family thought I was possessed😬*

⚡Mercury in 1st house are just as talkative as Gemini mercuries. They are really chatty people and are also very witty.

🔥Virgo moons are really worried if a task or project isn't finished yet even if they are resting. It bothers us to the point we would be thinking about it during our whole break time instead of chilling.

⚡Virgo placements tend to enjoy making lots of lists and schedules because this is their way to remember things and feel organized so they won't panic later (As a Virgo Moon, I have a birthday list lol so I won't be able to forget someone's special day and I also tend to make lists for my assignments and cross them out when am finished)

🔥Asteroid Pallas in Leo can relieve stress through drawing, singing, or dancing. It's their way of calming themselves and this can help them feel a sense of inner peace.

⚡If I were to pick which MBTI type would resonate with Aquarius more, I would say ENFJ. Both are altruistic, humanitarians, great networkers, may have a hero complex, future-oriented, and definitely does not want one person to be left behind from a group.

🔥Virgo Ascendant in a composite chart can project the partners as reliable and undemonstrative. People would assume you guys are together for practical reasonings (such as being together to work on a project) instead of actual relationship or friendship bonding.

⚡Capricorn(both men and women) + business suits = 🔥🔥🔥

🔥Fire Sun/Rising 🤝 Not giving a fuck about the deadline of a task and that the teacher should be thankful they passed it LMAO 😂🍵

Thanks for the assistance @venusfun 👑 and thank you as well @hillarysss for giving me the permission to use one of your works to inform others about a specific aspect💖✨💖✨ AND TO ALL THE ASTROLOGERS WHO ARE SUPPORTING ME I LOVE YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE 😳🌹🌹🌹👑👑

[illuminatedquill]

Nevertheless, Episode 9 (Preview)

Na Bi’s Choice

It’s almost time.

This will be my last post until after the latest episode drops, I think. I have no more to say; no more speculation to offer. I am actually still undecided as to whether I’m going to watch it tomorrow or binge it with the final episode next week. We’ll see.

So! I am here to offer a recap and a run down of where Na Bi has been and where, maybe, she’s going in this next episode based on everything I’ve seen so far. This is my opinion and if yours differs, I would love to hear about it.

Let’s do a recap:

Na Bi is, somewhat unsuccessfully, trying to move on from her relationship with Park Jae Un. In episode 8, we have two confessions (well, three, but Soljiwan don’t deserve to be a part of this angsty mess): one from Yang Do Hyeok, Na Bi’s childhood best friend, and one from Park Jae Un, local asshole.

Na Bi seems now aware of how messy her personal life is and has decided that now is not the best time to be dating. She turns down Do Hyeok, who only reassures and comforts her that it’s fine; he still likes her no matter what. Do Hyeok, best boy that he is, decides to respect her decision and give her the space she needs to choose what is best for herself.

Jae Un, asshole that he is, hasn’t gotten the memo that Na Bi desires an end to their drama and continues to invade her personal space and cross boundaries where he isn’t wanted. He does his own version of a confession and drops a hefty piece of info: that he was present at the night when Na Bi’s ex revealed his erotic sculpture of her and saw it all went down. He further reveals that he fell in love with her at first sight there.

Na Bi, thankfully, isn’t impressed.

(Not sure if the show is going to expand further on this info but we’ll see.)

At the end of episode 8, it’s evident that Jae Un is increasingly desperate to keep Na Bi by his side. He stalks her to the alleyway where they first talked all those episodes ago and drops that dumbass one liner about butterflies again.

And that’s where we left off.

Let’s break down Na Bi’s choices next. I’m not going to say how likely any of them are to happen; it’s all up in the air.

It’s Na Bi. We won’t know until she says it.

First off:

Park Jae Un

Let’s talk about it. Chemistry and attraction seem to reign supreme in Nevertheless and his case seems to be further bolstered by the fact that Na Bi seems unable to shut him out permanently (at this point, I’m not sure what exactly would be her breaking point with him). Yes, the two have evident feelings for each other but I’m feeling it more from him, rather than Na Bi.

The tables have certainly turned in this latter half of the drama: now Jae Un is the one desperately in love, whereas Na Bi is not willing to reciprocate. His gestures and advances of “sincerity” towards her come off as entirely self serving; I feel like he enjoys the feeling of being in love with her rather than actually being present in the relationship. It’s one thing to love someone; it’s another thing entirely to put in the work to make the relationship sustainable. And I have yet to see anything from either Jae Un or Na Bi that tells me that they could be a viable couple in the long run.

Also, Na Bi’s decision (if she sticks to it, which I hope she does) to not date anyone currently might have closed the door on this couple already: Jae Un clearly wants to date Na Bi now. There’s an interesting (and increasingly plausible) scenario that could arise from this:

Na Bi gives in and admits her feelings to him but still rejects him because they need to sort themselves out. Jae Un, impatient and wanting nothing short of a hard ‘yes’, takes this as a total rejection and leaves for America. Na Bi is heart broken once again but moves on. They meet again after he returns and it’s up to the viewer to interpret whether or not they give it a second chance.

Here are the factors that work in Jae Un’s favor: first, that damn explosive attraction he has with Na Bi. Although I think it’s wearing off by episode 8, it’s still a potent force. And the fact that Na Bi still has lingering thoughts and feelings towards him also speaks that she isn’t done with him, much to her dismay. Yes, she’s angry, suspicious, sad with him but if she really didn’t care she wouldn’t feel anything at all. And, despite Na Bi’s better judgment, we know he’s the one she keeps turning to.

Other factors? He’s the fucking main lead. Rarely do kdramas have the girl end up with anyone other than the main lead. Our best boy Do Hyeok isn’t even listed as a second lead. So, that’s something to take into consideration.

But don’t count Do Hyeok out just yet. Let’s talk about him.

Yang Do Hyeok

Best boy. One of three reasons why most of us are watching this mess (the other two being Soljiwan). Do Hyeok, despite all the factors previously mentioned working in favor for Jae Un, continues to represent a strong rival and possible endgame for Na Bi. So, let’s talk about him.

Nevertheless makes the strong case for Jae Un and his type of love but it also makes a strong case for Do Hyeok. He was a bright, yet brief presence in the webtoon and his screen time in the drama has definitely been extended to showcase even more of that sweet, charming smile of his.

I’ve written in a previous post about why Do Hyeok and Na Bi make sense and why their relationship is already so good even though they’re not dating but I’ll simplify for you all here: it’s based on an even playing field and has a strong foundation of friendship already present. Do Hyeok doesn’t leave Na Bi in any doubts about how feels about her; he comforts her when she’s feeling down even after she rejected him; he is attentive and cares for her deeply. And, also, she trusts him implicitly in a way she doesn’t with Jae Un. He makes her smile the most like no one else does. With him, Na Bi is unapologetically happy and carefree that she hasn’t been in a long time.

Do Hyeok’s only flaw is that he has epically bad timing. Which, unfortunately, matters a lot in relationships.

The feelings Na Bi has for Do Hyeok have been complicated by his confession but, in a rare moment of clarity (again something she doesn’t have with Jae Un who only confuses her), she turns him down in order to protect him from herself. So, yes, Do Hyeok is still the childhood best friend but only because Na Bi is keeping him safe. She doesn’t want to disappoint him.

One factor working in Do Hyeok’s favors: he’s still in the drama, for one. Seol-a, Jae Un’s ex, has been absent since episode five (although she’s making her grand return in this next episode). If the show was really done with Do Hyeok, it would have been a done deal by now (well, we’ll see what happens in episode 9) but it tells me that there’s still a plan for him. He’s not merely a distraction or being used for character progression for Na Bi and Jae Un.

The biggest thing going for Do Hyeok right now? He and Na Bi are endgame in the webtoon. There’s been plenty of talk about how they’ve made changes to differentiate the drama from the webtoon but I’ve been talking with others who have read the webtoon and we are in agreement: the changes, while substantial, have been to the characters and not so much the overall narrative. I’m not saying the ending will be exactly the same but I do think it will hit the same beats just in a different, healthier and happy way.

My scenario for Do Hyeok and Na Bi is that she makes the choice to finally ditch Jae Un for good but doesn’t commit to Do Hyeok immediately. She might stay friends with him after asking him to wait for her. We’ll see the set up and consummation for that in episode 10.

(However, since Nevertheless is entirely driven by the characters and their choices you could make the argument that those character changes are enough to warrant a different ending. So, take that as you will.)

Despite all the positive things I have to say about Na Bi and Do Hyeok, I have to stress that nothing is guaranteed here. The preview promises nothing but more pain and angst between Na Bi, Do Hyeok, and Jae Un. That’s the only certainty.

Well. There’s one more certainty. At least, I hope. In fact, it’s the most obvious and clear choice that Na Bi should be making in episode 9 and the one I hope the writers are gearing towards. It’s the only outcome any of us should care about, really.

Yu Na Bi

Yes, you read that right.

This is the only endgame we should really give a shit about. That Yu Na Bi chooses herself, her well being, her happiness, over anything else. Jae Un vs Do Hyeok - it’s not important and never really should have been.

Yes, we can all differ on the opinion of which of these two guys can best help her achieve this but Na Bi really needs to stand on her own to achieve this. Happiness has to come from within; she needs to fix what’s broken inside before she can be in a good relationship.

Na Bi needs to love herself first before anyone else. She deserves that so much. I want that before anything else and if she can get that, I will forgive the writers for all the BS they’ve put us through. And even if she chooses Jae Un. I’ll be happy for her and wishing her well.

(Although, again, Do Hyeok is the only one who gets that she needs to figure this out for herself, BUT it’s still Na Bi’s choice. It’s not that Do Hyeok deserves Na Bi, but she deserves someone sweet and good like Do Hyeok in her life.)

Best of luck to us all, Na Bi, and Do Hyeok tomorrow. It’s the beginning of the end. We’re almost there. Let’s wish them all happy endings.

I’ll leave you all this as the mind set you should have going into episode 9:

[iamtaekooked]

↳Genre: Angst (literally that’s all this is)

↳Prompt: “If you don’t hold me right now, i might just fall apart” 

↳Word count: 5.3k

Warnings: Manipulation and betrayal

Pairing: Jungkook x female reader

↳Synopsis: 

Jeongguk lets go of you. But when he comes back into your life for the briefest of moments he’s a little too late.

↳A/N: This is for the wonderful @gguksgalaxy for the prompt game which I was doing like months ago. I wrote this long ago and forgot to post it (big dumb energy) Sorry Gwaen. The ending made me super sad though. But I hope you like it!

{18 years of age} 

Your heart thumps in your chest as everyone slowly gets picked into the teams. This is why you hated PE. You were usually the last one to be picked because everyone knew of your thorough incapability to play any kind of sports. It was common knowledge within your high school. So when you were forced to choose physical education as an elective to complete the required credits to graduate, you had no choice but to make yourself resilient to the fact that you would always be picked last. 

It was worse because right now Jimin and Jeongguk were the captains of the dodgeball teams. As soon as he was chosen the captain of Team A Jimin had immediately looked to you and a sly smile tugged on his lips. You could see the wheels turning in his mind and you knew he was up to something. 

So as you stand in the horrible PE attire you hope Jimin chooses you because the alternative will likely end up with you passing out. You can’t be in the same team as Jeon Jeongguk because you have a massive crush on him and every time you see him you feel like you will die. Some people call it being overdramatic but you call it being a teenager with no control over her emotions. You and Gus Isaacs are the only two people left as Jimin picks one of the guys from grade 12 into his team as his second-last pick. Not you, but someone else. 

“Y/n” 

You hear your name somewhere far in the distance but ignore the call and continue ruminating and chewing on your lip in the process. 

“Y/n” you hear your name again, and this time it’s a bit clearer but you still ignore it and think you are probably hallucinating. Until Gus Isaacs elbows your side to bring you back to reality. 

You wince in pain and hold onto the spot, giving Gus the evil eye as he motions towards the front. “Jeongguk chose you to be in his team” 

You blink stupidly at him as if you can’t comprehend what he’s saying. You can’t. You hear the words ‘Jeongguk chose you to be in his team’ but they don’t connect right in your head. In fact they don’t connect at all so you miss the memo while the whole class gawks at you as you stare blankly at Gus. 

“Y/n, do you wanna join the team?” Jeongguk asks firmly and with the usual confidence he carries. 

In your repeated blinking state you turn to look ahead only to be subjected to a questioning look by Jeongguk. 

Then your vision starts blurring and the last thing you remember is a heavy feeling taking over your limbs and someone shouting your name. 

You awaken about an hour later in the school infirmary. You crack open an eye to find a boringly dull white ceiling gracing your view. You open your other eye and lower your gaze to find-

“Jeongguk?” 

“How are you feeling?” he asks. 

Why the fuck is Jeon Jeongguk here and not Jimin? 

“I am fine” you strain as you try to get up. Jeongguk immediately places his hands on your elbows to help you sit up. You’re too wrapped up in your confusion to notice Jeongguk is touching you, otherwise, there would have been a reaction. “Where is Jimin?”

“He had to go to class and well someone needed to be here with you. So, I stayed” 

“You don’t even know me” it’s a wonder you’re able to speak at all given that you fainted because of him. But he doesn’t need to know that. 

“Are you kidding me?” he scoffs in a non-condescending way. “I have had every class with you since grade 8. Of course, I know you. Plus Jimin never shuts up about you and how great you are” 

“You know me?” your eyes widen

He rolls his eyes. “Stop treating me like I am some damn celebrity. Contrary to the popular belief I am not a jerk” 

“But you are a celebrity” you mumble under your breath, sheepishly casting your gaze at your lap. 

“What?” he squints his eyes at you. 

“Nothing. You can go by the way. I am fine” you swing your legs over the bed and plant your feet firmly on the ground. You pull yourself up with effort but a light feeling runs through you and you wobble on your feet and fall back down on the tiny bed. 

“Yeah. You’re totally fine” Jeongguk muses sarcastically as he steadies you. “The nurse said you should go home. I’ll take you. Come on” 

Your muscles feel tight and you feel the tension in every limb. This is probably what your mom means when she says she’s had an arthritis flare-up. It’s definitely not a fun feeling. You can’t move a muscle as Jeongguk quietly waits for you to say something. This is the most surreal situation you have ever been in. The eighteen-year-old you, crazed by hormones and prone to fantasizing doesn’t know how to deal with it. 

“I can go home by myself” 

“Sure. If you want faint on the way and then get kidnapped by some random creepy dude. Go ahead. Eighteen-year-old girls are like a hot commodity for those psycho’s” Jeongguk says firmly, clearly trying to scare you into submission. 

“What makes you think I won’t get kidnapped if you’re with me?” you question with a slight intention of teasing. 

He looks scandalized as his nose scrunches and brows knit together so tightly you never thought it was possible for someone to be that offended. “Excuse me. Have you seen me?” 

Yes of course, you have seen him. You’ve memorized his whole fucking face and embedded it so deep into your memory you made sure that even retrograde amnesia couldn’t get rid of it. You have been looking at him from afar for so long, you know every little thing about him. 

“Just because you are slightly buff doesn’t mean you can help me” 

“Wow” his jaw drops. “I have added weights to my routine so I am way stronger than I used to be. I could protect you”

“Spoken like a true teenage guy living on testosterone” you chuckle. 

He rolls his eyes yet again. “So now that I have proven my point, can I take you home?” 

“I’ll spare your ego” your lips pull into a grin which he echoes. 

He wraps an arm around your waist and you stand firmly on the ground, waiting to feel stable before you begin walking. Jeongguk doesn’t let go eyes resting on your face as he watches you inhale slowly before nodding. 

Your skin burns, every limb feels with fiery wrath the effect of his touch. Your mouth dries, throat completely parched. Your hands become clammy as you curl your fists into the sticky palm. 

“Are you good?” he asks

You nod. “It’s alright. You can let go” 

“And have you fall and then I get blamed for it? No way” he shakes his head, resolute. 

You sigh. “Fine then. Walk me home” you say and you won’t lie that even just a little part of you is ecstatic. 

“Gladly” he greets you with a grin when you look up at him. “Where is your locker?” he asks as you both step out of the infirmary and into the quiet hall. 

“It’s okay. I can text Jimin to bring my stuff later” 

“You and Jimin that close?” he sounds resigned about it. 

“I thought Jimin talked about me” you question as you walk side by side, Jeongguk guiding you with his hand on the small of your back. 

“He says you’re friends. But he never mentioned you were close enough for him to go to your house” Jeongguk explains, his previously cheery voice slightly deflated. 

“That’s kinda hard to do when he lives just down the street and he loves my mom’s cooking” you press your lips into a thin smile. 

“Ah” he nods in acknowledgement. “Is he just a friend or…” Jeongguk trails, not really needing to go any further because it is self-explanatory. 

You reach the west side exit and step out into the cool spring afternoon with the sun shining brightly overhead. “Why are you so interested?” you cock a brow at him. 

“No reason” he shrugs. “Just wanted to know if Jimin had a girl” he waves it off casually. “Anyway, so tell me something about yourself” 

Your eyes narrow in confusion. “We’re making small talk now?” 

“I didn’t mention the weather did I?” Jeongguk chuckles. 

“Fine. What do you want to know?”

He pouts, eyes squinting as he looks into the distance. He looks cute when pouts and he does that a lot. It’s creepy that you know this but when you’ve spent a better part of your high school life fantasizing over the guy it becomes second nature after a while. 

“Tell me something Jimin doesn’t know” his eyes widen with a hint of excitement. 

“Oh, that’s hard because I tell Jimin everything” you pause, trying to rack your brain for something you have never told Jimin. 

“There has to be one thing” Jeongguk prompts. 

Your lips just out as you try really hard to think. 

Then it hits you. 

“Don’t tell him but one time when we were younger he thought he lost his favourite toy. But really I took it from him and never told him about it” 

“Wow. What a thief” Jeongguk teases with a laugh. 

“He still talks about it and it’s so awkward” you shake your head, reminiscing about the time when Jimin has mentioned his missing action figurine. 

“Why did you take it?” Jeongguk asks. 

“The day before I took it, he went off to play with some of the other kids. I was mad that I had to play alone while he was having fun with them on the roundabout, and the swings and they were running around laughing. I felt abandoned so the next day I took it and pretended like he lost it” 

“Remind me not to piss you off” he jokes, his hand which was resting on the small of your back, suddenly thrown over your shoulder. 

You look down at his hand as it dangles over your shoulder. It’s awfully intimate for two people who have just met. But you shake your head because you can’t let these thoughts limit you and freeze you up. You’re finally talking to him and you’re having a good conversation. So you can’t jeopardize this because your body automatically reacts to his touch. That can’t be why you shoot yourself in the foot, so you maintain your calm by inhaling deeply and forcing your body to relax. 

“Tell me something you’ve never told anyone” you look at him, noticing how he’s chewing on his lips looking into the distance. 

He looks down at you with a soft smile. “I’ll tell you. I promise. When the time is right” 

“How is that fair?” you pout. 

“Wow child” he pinches your nose, wrinkling his own nose in a cute manner. He retracts his hand, letting it fall to his side.

“Fine. It’s not like I’ll die if I don’t know your deepest darkest secret” 

It elicits a hearty laugh from him. 

{20 years of age}

Jeongguk stands at your door, chewing on his lip as he tries to decide if he’s making the wrong move. But then he remembers he promised he’ll tell you something he hasn’t told anyone. Even if that was two years ago and he’s a little too late in keeping his promise he still needs to tell you. He doesn’t know where it’s going to head, or what exactly he’s going to say because you’re kind of his best friend and he doesn’t want you to feel like he doesn’t care about you. 

So with a deep inhale he knocks on the door and waits. He can hear the footsteps nearing and then the door opens to reveal you. 

“Who invited you?” you joke, stepping aside and motioning for him to come in. 

“I invited myself. I think I can come to my best friend’s house without an invitation. It’s kinda my right” he leans in and presses a kiss to your temple before ridding himself of his shoes and walking down the hall and falling onto the couch. 

You follow him with a shake of the head. After two years of being friends and then eventually best friends with him, you’ve made yourself five percent immune to his actions which border between platonic and romantic. You don’t think he realizes it because he always does things like holding your hand out of nowhere or kissing you on the forehead as a goodbye. 

You collapse next to him, and like a reflex, he pulls you into him wrapping an arm around your shoulder, fingers stroking the soft flesh. “I ask again you’re here because…” 

“I can’t come and see my best friend? I missed you” he presses a soft kiss to your forehead. Your eyes close momentarily as you cherish his touch because this is all you will get. This is as close you will be to being something more to him. 

“You can. But you just saw me five hours ago and we hung out. Now you’re here and you’re…” you look up at him and place your index finger in the middle of his forehead. “Now you’re frowning which means you’re stuck” 

“I am stuck?” he looks down at you, a soft crinkle in the corner of his eyes. 

“I mean something is bothering you” you pull your finger away and rest your hand in your lap. 

“How do you always know?” he smiles softly. 

Yeah. How do you know? 

Is it because you have loved the guy for so long or because you pay very careful attention to him? It’s not like you can tell him so you settle for-

“I just know. Now tell me what’s going on in that big head of yours” you tap his temple with your finger. 

“Okay first, I am not big-headed. Secondly, I have something to tell you” 

“Are you finally going to keep your promise from two years ago?” you shuffle your head so you can get a look at him. He’s lost in thought, a vacant expression holding his gaze away from you. 

“I am kind of dating Kira” he lets out a shaky breath. 

You pull yourself away, suddenly feeling cold all over. Your heart pounds against your chest, the rhythm thrumming so loud in your ears they start ringing. You swallow, looking into the eyes of this majestic man in front of you who has slipped from your fingers like sand. There is no hope now. He’s gone. 

But worse than that he’s dating Kira. She’s the epitome of a mean girl. Even worse. 

“Since when?” you whisper softly, feeling your heart shatter into pieces as each second passes by. 

“Four months” he replies, not meeting your gaze. “I was going to tell you but I thought I’d wait until things get serious enough” 

If there was ever any hope of recovering from this, it’s gone now. You can imagine yourself moping, and crying in the near future because you couldn’t tell him first how you felt. Maybe if you had given in to bravery instead of your fears you might have been the one dating him. 

“Why?” your heartbreak echoes in your words. You don’t know if he can hear it. You’re not even mad that he kept it from you for months. You are so severely hurt you can’t even begin to feel angry about it. It feels hollow inside, like the place where your heart should be is empty. A cold chill runs down your spine as you stare into Jeongguk’s eyes-- the ones that always feel like home-- but now they feel like a strange abyss. 

“Because she’s actually sweet. She’s nice” 

You put your feelings aside for a moment because this is bigger than you. Just because you feel like you’re suffocating sitting next to him; just because it feels like the end and just because you feel like you’ll die doesn’t mean you’ll let him ruin himself. She’s wrong for him in ways he can’t see. 

“Jeongguk. Listen, I know you think you like her. I know you think she’s nice but she’s not” 

“Please y/n” he whispers, reaching for your hand and holding it in his. “Not you. You have to side with me on this” 

“I want to. If this was someone else” your throat constricts even thinking about it. You swallow. “I would be completely happy for you. But Kira isn’t what you deserve. You deserve better. You deserve good and she’s not it” 

Jeongguk’s hold on your hand slackens. “Just because you can’t see the good in her, doesn’t mean she isn’t” 

You stare back at him, the way his jaw sets tightly, the way he’s trying so hard not to be angry at you. “I can’t. I can’t tell you what you want to hear. My job as your best friend is to save you not destroy you” 

He pulls his hand away from yours and gets up. “Whatever,” he says. “I don’t need your approval. I just thought I should tell you” 

“Jeongguk-” 

“Bye y/n” his gaze lingers on you before he walks to the front door and leaves. 

You didn’t think your friendship with Jeongguk was so fragile that it would fracture under the weight of his feelings for Kira. But since he’s actually avoiding you, you presumed wrong. He’s not been answering any of your texts or calls. He hasn’t visited you even once in the weeks after he admitted the truth to you. 

He’s vanished from your life-- like he never existed. 

It leaves a hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach to know that he’s just decided not to be a part of your life anymore. You feel hurt, but more than feeling hurt you feel disappointed in yourself. Trust is a fickle thing. It’s earned through effort and broken without lifting a finger. Did Jeongguk not know that? Does he not understand that you want what is best for him? Can he really not see that you have always been on his side? 

But how do you bring someone back from the edge when they have decided to take the fall? 

“Missing your best friend?” Kira makes an unwanted appearance as your eyes focus back to reality. She’s got a sly smirk on her face. 

You roll your eyes. “I am sure you got into his head”

“He’s not a plaything. He knows what’s right and wrong for him” she folds her arms across her chest. 

“You got what you wanted. Fuck off now” you bite through clenched teeth as you gather your belongings, ready to leave. You’re almost out of the door when Kira speaks. 

“He knows you like him.” she says in a condescending tone. 

Your steps halt and so does your heart. You turn around. “Just when I thought you couldn’t sink any lower” 

She shrugs. “Your perceptions of me are your problem. Not mine” 

“A snake like you doesn’t deserve him” 

She laughs with a roll of her eyes. “You think you deserve him?” 

Your jaw sets tight as you glare at her. “I do. I deserve him because I’ve been with him through thick and thin. I’ve mended his broken heart, I’ve tended to him when he fell sick, I’ve put my life on hold to help him live his. So fuck yes I deserve him” 

She quietly observes smirk still plastered to her lips like she’s incapable of expressing herself in any other way. But then the smirk falters and sets into a frown. “Y/n please don’t” she reaches for your hands, crushing them between hers on purpose. 

“What?” your nose scrunches in confusion. 

“Jeongguk is your best friend. Don’t leave him because of me” her eyes become glossy, furthering your confusion. “I’ll break up with him” a single tear escapes her eye. 

“Wha-” 

“Kira. Dont.” a firm voice draws your attention. You turn around to find Jeongguk glaring at you. 

With quick strides, he stands between you and Kira and he tugs her hands out of yours. 

“I know you don’t like her but I never thought you would try to go behind my back and try to sabotage my relationship” Jeongguk looks at you with such venom laced eyes it pulls at your heartstrings. 

“What? I didn’t even-” 

“It’s okay kookie” Kira sniffles leaning into his chest. 

You gawk at her, blinking repeatedly at the scene in front of you. 

“Wow” your brows knit together, jaw agape as you look at her completely mortified. “She’s lying” you turn to Jeongguk. His nostrils flare, chest heaving as he stares at you--clearly not believing you, his best fucking friend of two years. He takes the word a girl he’s known for a few months. He doesn’t even need to say anything for you to know what he’s thinking. His eyes say it all, the hatred with which he’s looking at you says it all. 

“You know what Jeongguk, she’s changed you and you can’t even see it” your eyes sting with tears. You have so much to say but you bite your words because Jeongguk can’t see past his feelings. 

“You just can’t see me happy because you like me” his voice cracks, and you can see the shine overcoming his eyes before he turns away. 

Your heart sinks in your chest. It’s not what he’s saying. It’s the accusatory tone of his voice that hurts. “Well, congratulations Jeongguk. You don’t have to feel burdened by it anymore. Have a great fucking life” you bite. 

Kira looks up at you, a smile quivering on her lips. She glances up at Jeongguk who’s looking away to the side and then turns to you as she lets herself smile. She’s won. 

You turn on your heels and walk away from them-- from the pain of it all because there is no point anymore. It’s like someone has driven a stake through your heart. It would have been better if that happened because the alternative is losing your best friend which hurts more than any pain that could be inflicted on you. 

There is a sharp ache that settles in your chest as you walk away. But even as you do there is a tiny sliver of hope that he’ll call out your name and tell you to stay. Bit by bit it breaks as you step further away from him, until you are out of the door. 

But you don’t hear his voice

{23 years of age}

You didn’t think you would ever get over Jeongguk. But Jimin helped you in ways you couldn’t imagine. He never took advantage of your vulnerable state, he never inserted himself in your life when you were at your weakest. He was just there, being your friend when you realized that somehow he had pieced your heart back together without even trying. 

He never tried to get you to move on from Jeongguk. He knew you liked him-- loved him rather. He was there for the drunken nights when all you could manage were sobs because your chest felt tight, and memories of Jeongguk would come rushing back in your inebriated state. Jimin’s silence spoke volumes and even through the haze you could see how much he cared as he would silently place your head on his shoulder and hold you close. 

Since the day Jeongguk let you walk away from his life, Jimin has been there. He’s with you now, holding your hand, squeezing it tight as Jeongguk stands in front of you, puffy-eyed. Jimin slowly laces his fingers with yours, eyes never wavering from Jeongguk. The breath that has been caught in your throat finally releases and relief floods your chest. A slight ache settles deep somewhere, into far depths of your entire being and it begins to radiate until you feel a sharp stabbing sensation in your chest that has you squeezing Jimin’s hand like its your lifeline. 

“Y/n” Jeongguk’s quiet and firm voice reverberates through the air as it reaches you

Pain forgotten, your eyes find purchase on the floor. You can feel your knees beginning to give out, a slight quiver indicating that you won’t be able to stand much longer. You are suddenly steadied on your feet. You look down at your waist to find a hand resting on your side.

“I’ve got you y/n. You just have to be brave” Jimin whispers in your ear. 

You don’t know how to be brave. You thought three years was enough time to prepare yourself, to harden your heart to the fact that Jeon Jeongguk would never be a part of your life again. But maybe you never could move on. Maybe you will never be able to forget Jeongguk. Maybe you will never be strong enough to stand on your feet by yourself in front of him, and perhaps he will always be your greatest weakness. 

But he looks broken. 

As much as you did the day he let go of you without a second of hesitation. You can still remember the look of determination in his eyes, his set jaw, as he had looked away and without even a glance let you walk away from him. 

That should be enough to make all the panic go away. That should give way to anger. But all that serves to do is remind you of how much it hurt to let him go. 

“How have you been?” Jeongguk speaks but this time his voice shakes. 

You shudder. 

“I- I wanted to see you earlier but…” he trails off. 

You just have to be brave- Jimin’s voice rings in your head. 

“Let’s go Jimin” your voice is meek. Your action is anything but. 

Jimin nods and leads you, his hand still holding onto yours tightly as you begin to walk past Jeongguk. It feels slightly nostalgic--walking away from him all over again. 

“Y/n wait” Jeongguk is quick to catch a hold of your wrist just as you are passing by him. 

You’re tugged in both directions as both men hold onto your hands. You’re forced to stop and face Jeongguk. 

“You know you have some nerve Jeongguk” Jimin’s voice is firm as he grits his teeth.

“Stay out of it, Jimin. Please” Jeongguk stares intently at Jimin, but his tone isn’t hostile. 

Jimin rolls his eyes. “It’s making her uncomfortable” Jimin bites back, hardly able to control his anger. It seeps through his words.

Jeongguk’s eyes shift focus to you and it’s clear as day that you are in fact uncomfortable. He notices the pained look in your face, the cloud of wispy breath fogging his view as you inhale sharply. He can see it in the way you’re avoiding him, the way your eyes are dancing around, restless and refusing to settle. 

He lets go and licks his lips. “I am sorry y/n” 

That gets your attention. It’s taken him three years to say that to you. “Sorry?” you scoff, anxiety and inhibition are forgotten as you meet his gaze.

“I know I was a dick to you-”

“You broke my heart Jeongguk. You broke--” you stop to gulp the tight knot down your throat. “You broke my heart to pieces and you didn’t even hesitate. Your ‘sorry’ won’t fix it” 

“I know. So tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix it” 

“You can’t. I won’t make you feel guilty and tell you that you could have done it. I know you were in love. But were you so afraid of my feelings for you that you couldn’t even have listened to me? We could have been friends in the very least. I would have been fine with it” 

There is a pregnant pause. Jeongguk’s eyes flutter to the ground, and he chews on his lip in silence.

“I wouldn’t have been y/n” his gentle voice cuts through

“What?” 

“You’re right. The moment I found out you liked me, I freaked out. I realized something at that moment and it scared me. I didn’t know how to deal with it so I thought the best thing would be for me to let you go. Then I saw Kira crying and I thought you guys got into a fight and it gave me a reason to let you go. Otherwise, I never would have” 

You feel Jimin looking at you through the periphery. You quickly glance at him. Jeongguk lifts his head to meet your gaze. 

“What scared you?” 

“The fact that I liked you. The realization that I had--have-- always liked you scared me. It terrified me because it was too real. I could see it in my head y/n-- being with you. It was easy to imagine but I have been a commitment-phobe my entire life. I just couldn’t bring myself to” 

You gulp hard. Your mouth is dry and in the cold January morning, your hand starts to sweat. You blink profusely at Jeongguk, unable to fathom his words. Jimin squeezes your hand, reassuring you, and reminding you to stay in the moment and not get swept away in the flood of your feelings. It grounds you and enables you to look a Jeongguk without feeling like you will lose your breath at any moment. 

“I am sorry Jeongguk. You’re a little too late” you spare him one moment of a glance before turning on your heels. 

“If you don’t hold me right now, I might just fall apart” his voice squeaks. 

You halt in your steps. You pivot on your heels and face him. He stands with his head hung low, soft muffled sounds escaping his mouth, and you can see a tear fall down his cheek. You quickly look at Jimin. 

“Y/n” he says warningly. 

But you nod your head in reassurance and he loosens his grip on your hand.  

“I’d never let you fall apart Jeongguk. Never” you say quietly as you stand on your toes and wrap your hands behind his shoulders in an embrace. A moment passes as he stands limply in your arms before you feel his hands squeezing around your waist. “I know what it’s like to fall apart and feel alone. I’d never wish that for you” you hug tighter, resting your chin against his shoulder. You can hear the sound of his tears hitting your jacket, and it breaks your heart too. 

A few beats of silence pass while you hold each other. You feel the heaviness that had weighed your heart down for three years melting away. Jeongguk sniffles and steps back, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. 

“So does that mean-” you can see the glimmer of hope in his eyes. 

“No” you say firmly, holding his hands into yours. “No Jeongguk. I won’t be able to this time” you shake your head and just like that the dull look is back in his eyes. “Look at what not being together did to us. Being together would destroy us. The possibility that it could go sideways at any moment would ruin both of us. I told you, I will not let that happen to you” your voice quivers. 

“Y/n…” 

“I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember Jeongguk. I still do and maybe I always will. But we can’t always have what we want, can we?” your lips curl into a faint smile. 

Jeongguk sighs heavily. Tears stream down his cheeks as they do yours. “No, we can’t” he replies, his fingers slipping through your hands. 

“Bye Jeongguk” you stand on your toes as you kiss his cheek, lingering for a moment before pulling away. 

“Bye y/n” he whispers, closing his eyes. He hears your footsteps retreat. He feels the cold breeze of wind caressing his face. He opens his eyes. 

You’re gone. 

And he is alone. 

Let me know your thoughts! Thank you so much for reading this!

[jcisthebestfightme]

BJYX Song #1: If I Were A Song

BJYX Song Series List

Disclaimer: My own feelings only. Don’t take it seriously.

I decided I want to start writing about my feelings about different songs since I love analyzing lyrics so much. The first one will be “If I Were A Song��� by Yoyo Sham. I feel like this song is not as talked about as others (i.e. Nan Hai, Wuji, etc.) 

This title of this song was posted in a memo by gg on 6/22/18 that he use to reply to a post from 2015/10/7 that said “Some words should just be kept in your heart”. 

The memo is timestamp at 11:28 (28 = ai bo). Also, I’m guessing he wrote this at night so 11 is probably 11pm so 2328 (ai/love zhan, ai/love bo). Okay I’m going to exist out of delulu kadian land.

 We don’t know what happened that day but we do think 622 is special for ggdd because for their 2019 birthdays, both gg and dd deleted and added post, respectively so that the birthday post will be #622. 6/22 is also 4 days after 6/18, where we know gg and dd went on a date to a Japanese restaurant and dd was seen in almost the same outfit the next day at the airport (walk of shame 🤣 jkjk). No one knows what happened on 6/22 but maybe this song can give us some clue?

“There is a song,

Sang into the cold and warmness of people’s heart, yet so tender and warm to all

It’s neither black nor white, no matter how things change with time or how people change

Turn around freely, still the youthful spirit, full of passion!

If I were a song...

Good night 🌙 ”

Doesn’t this memo sound like gg is describing his love to dd? He’s mentioned before that he admire dd the most because he’s always true to himself, unaffected by the industry. The “youthful spirit” that’s “full of passion” who can live “freely” sounds exactly like the person that gg thinks dd is. It also sound exactly like the person gg wants to be himself, or the person he’s on the inside that he doesn’t want to change because of reality, the cruel industry, and age. This memo also tells us that no matter what changes in the future, gg is sure of his feelings at this moment and this warmth that he feels or is willing to give will never change. The last line tell us what song he’s referring to so let’s begin.

The song is by Yoyo Sham in 2017. It’s not a super popular song that everyone will know. But the mv is simple and artist. The full translation of the lyrics can be found here. 

Overall, the song is about how one loves someone so much that they are always there for them and supporting them. I always feel like that’s the relationship gg has for dd. He show his love with caring and protecting him instead of grand romantic gesture. He’s always his #1 fan in the background, always cheering for dd when he dance. He’s always the first one to stand up for him when others talk bad about him, rebutting haters on the Internet about dd’s role as LWJ. He’s always the first one notice new scars on dd and find ways to protect his health like asking to wear knee pad, drink warm water, or take herbal medicine. You can also see that dd relies on gg. After a lot of Internet hate and not seeing each other for a long time, dd started crying when seeing gg in Thailand. Overall, the relationship is very “homey.” People even joke that it’s like a mother to a son.

如果我是一首歌 (If I were a song)

我可以帶你看看從前的自己 (I can let you see the old you)

Gg talked about how much he admire that dd stays to his true self and isn’t influence by the industry even though he’s been in the industry for four years. I think this line correspond to his love of dd’s true self.

你可以在我懷裡坦白    赤裸 (You can be in my embrace, honest and bare)

Here is the detail of the “home” that gg is providing. It’s one that allows dd to be his most genuine self, naked, bare, honest, and straightforward. We see dd as someone who’s already straightforward but here, it’s almost like gg is telling us that that’s still not exactly who dd is and part of him is still pressure to hide his true self. It’s also possible that it means that while dd is trying his best to express himself, he’s still afraid of how others see and judge him.

我們可以瘋狂    流汗    再脆弱 (We can be wild together, sweat together, and then be fragile together)

Here is a list of things they can do together. The order matters. Wild refers to their bantering and when they have fun (xxj). This also correspond to gg saying that before dating, you need to “play/have fun” with the other person first. Sweat refers to perspiration they put into their career. Both gg and dd are very diligent people that puts a lot of themselves into their work. Similar to Wangxian, I think that’s their core value that they share with each other the most. And then the last part of this line, after 1) being wild 2) working hard, we can then be 3) fragile. Why is fragile last? Because you can only be fragile in the most private moments. The first two things they do together are what others see from the outside. But the last one, being fragile, is something they can only display to each other behind closed doors. 

我是你的家    也是你的旅程 (I am your home, I am your journey)

I am your home + I am your journey = I am your everything. When you want a stable, loving base, I am there for you. But when you want to travel and explore the world, I will also go with you. The home here is not a literal place, but rather the security that gg can provide. Likewise, the journey here is the future that they must endure together. 

我們一起抽離    卻真實    又深刻 (We both depart from reality, but also authentic and profound)

I think this original line is talking about how the two people both depart from reality together and ascends into a romantic cloud, but also that their feelings are genuine (the word 真實 = 真情实感, the same word dd use to describe true feelings about The Untamed) and grounded. However, I think we can even interpret the “depart from reality” as gg and dd leaving their true selves and becoming WWX and LWJ in the drama. This line is saying that while they’re both not themselves, they feelings they share are still authentic. 

你也應該把我放開 (You should also let me go)

你知道你隨時都可以回來 (You know you can always come back)

我們因彼此而自由    而存在 (Because of each other, we’re free and we are here)

When I first heard this part, I was kinda hurt by the letting go part. But the more I think of it, the more this actually becomes my favorite part of the song. It’s saying that their love isn’t trapping or binding each other. It’s almost as if gg is saying that it’s okay if you leave me, I will still be here for you and you can come back if you choose. This part make me feel like this song is gg’s expressing his side of love. This is the part that makes me believe that this song is about how gg feels for dd but dd may not know about his feelings at this point. 

“You should also let me go” can also be gg’s way of telling dd not to be insecure about his feelings. We can see that dd is very clingy towards gg, always trying to get his attention. I think part of that comes from dd’s insecurity when it comes to gg’s feelings since gg isn’t as straightfoward. However, here gg is saying that you should not be afraid of letting me go because I will always be here for you and we’re free because of each other because we chose to love each other. 

我是那個你不常打開的盒子 (I am that music box you rarely open)

永遠在原地等待 (Always waiting for you here)

等你回來聽我重複這旋律 (Wait for you to come back to hear me repeat this song)

就這樣    幾分鐘    一輩子 (Just like this for a couple minutes, forever)

Gg said before that he thinks “waiting” is the most romantic thing in the world. This part, similar to before, is saying that gg is willing to wait for dd if he’s willing to come back to him. The last line, “for a couple minutes, forever” means that he’s willing to wait, even if it only takes a second or even if it takes eternity. I love the extreme juxtaposition of this throughout the lyrics. It’s almost as if the singer is giving the other person the freedom to choose whether they want to be together right now or much later. It’s even more touching than just “I will be here forever.”

In summary, I think that this song express gg’d love to dd. That he will provide a safe environment for dd with his love and that he’s willing to wait for dd to give him whatever dd will want at the moment. I think at this point, dd doesn’t know about gg’d feelings because this song seems very “one-sided” (not that gg’s love isn’t get reciprocated but that it’s more about what gg can give dd). 6/22 is probably when gg became very certain of his feelings for dd and solidified it in his heart. This is the moment he decided he will wait for dd’s wishes in order to determine their future together.

This is probably the most romantic song I’ve ever heard, more than Nan Hai (sorry dd). I may do an analysis on Nan Hai later if I feel like it. Even if you don’t read this post, I highly recommend the song. 

如果    我是一首歌 (If I were a song)

我是那首很愛你的歌 (I am that song that loves you very much)

[nightswithkookmin]

Hello Goldy 💜 So JK dint post for Jin and so does Tae. Both of them di t post for Jinins bday also. Whats going on here ? I dont understand if JK and Tae have been banned from posting on their boyfriends bday. As u can tell i am both Jikook and Taejin shipper. What do u think is happening or should i say not happening.

This topic...

Hold on, lemme put on my tinfoil hat:

I got nothing. Lol.

Secondly, aaaaah Tae Kook!

Lol. Tae Kook. The evil power duo of BTS, my favorite rageddy boogie men of ship street Avenue, PPP- pathological party poopers of Bangtan fantasyland- stomping on shipper's parade, putting commas in people's hopes and dreams. Y'all didn't get the memo? When we said y'all be snatching hearts, this is not the kind of horror heart snatching we was talking about! Y'all ratchet for this shit. Lol.

Someone give them the memo. Atatatatatat.

Lmho.

I mean for Jk, I've already speculated a few times- several times now, how I feel he's kind off been on a self assertive journey since late 2019 and coupled with a lot of things I felt was happening with him, Jimin and group around that period, that him not posting for the members' birthdays sort of make a lot of sense to me.

I've also speculated on what I felt was going on with Kook, RM and Tae around JM's birthday this year, so Tae not posting for JM also sort of made sense to me?

Tae missed Jimin's birthday as well. It would have been 'problematic' in today's social media climate if he posted for any body else within the group after that. It's the same with JK when he missed Jin's birthday last December- had he posted for anybody else, I'm afraid several trucks would have been sent to BigHit HQ demanding his head on a spike. Chileee.

Can't blame them though. Even the members themselves, during 2017 Festa, descended hard on JK for gifting a present to Jimin and not the others- they pay attention to these things, you know? Jin in his recent VLive had said he had been up waiting for texts and all- or something along the lines of that, and I'm pretty sure he pays attention to who posts what on their Twitter account on his birthday. Well we know Jimin does this too. Lol.

You don't need to be a mad scientist to figure out that one member posting for another and not the others would make the members feel some kind of way about it even if they don't say it out loud.

Frankly, like I said, I feel they set themselves up for this shit- miss one, miss them all or risk solo stans coming for your ass. That's how we roll on these fang gang streets. Lol.

But for Kook, I sort of felt his was deliberate- may be an impulsive decision at the time, but deliberate nonetheless. I mean he had all 24 hours post Jin's birthday to belate that shit- better late than never, but he didn't do that.

Whatever had transpired within that period- which I've speculated on in past posts, I feel that had pushed him to his breaking point and had incentivized him or propelled him to reel back, reevaluate his goals, intentions, purpose, calling- whatever you wanna call it, and eventually had embarked on a journey to reassert himself and take back control of his life all throughout 2020- until recent times...

- Y'all see Jikook's dynamics have flipped again post Jimin's birthday right? Clear your schedules. We gone talk. Soon. Muhahaha.

I don said, Jikook have/had been asserting themselves against eachother and against the group this year. And for Jk, that self assertion would come in the form of him putting up boundaries and reinforcing already existing boundaries among other things, which would in turn require him demanding and demonstrating his independence from anything and anyone he had relinquished his self autonomy to- prior to. In my opinion.

I'm gonna step on a few toes here and regurgitate, JK didn't just take a step back from his life, he took a step back from Jimin as well, in my opinion- I can literally hear temperatures rising. Chilee. Lmho.

It's easy to lose yourself in the process of loving someone. And when you love this person more than you love yourself, in the thick of love, under heavy public and peer scrutiny, where you are being told to change this and that about yourself everyday and everytime as a prerequisite for being able to love this person you want within a group; then you are bound to end up with nothing but the total eradication of who you are at your core or at least a drift away from your true self and the expressions of it... Sigh.

I mean all the, 'try not to be so possessive, he's our friend too' 'operation neutralize Jikook' 'chilee, don't lean too much into him, this is an award' 'I've got Jimin, restrain Kook' 'oh I think you stared too long here' 'look away' 'you got him a present, why didn't you get us any' 'is that your heart eyes?' 'Tuck it away' 'why do you film Jimin a lot?' 'use this person, not Jimin for your GCF if you want the clicks' 'GCF in Tokyo? How about OT7 in wherever mate?' - all these little tweaks and adjustments he's had to make to his personality and his expressions of self in order to hide his relationship within the group climaxes honestly. In my opinion. And late 2019 to me was that peak for JK. Again, in my opinion.

Changes like these don't come drastically. They creep up on you. Its slippery slope till you're caught knee deep in the mud. For instance, notice when the members complained about him not caring for them because he hadn't presented them with gifts like he did Jimin, he had agreed immediately to give them presents in the future in order to not answer to their question of why he had chosen to give just Jimin a present. That compromise to me was one of the early signs of him losing his authenticity. In my opinion.

Jimin and the members were quick to point out that he didn't have to do that because giving and gifting were not obligations and honestly they were right. He doesn't have to do things if he doesn't want to.

That's the paradox of Jungkook. He does the things he wants to do without shame and he is fearless and unapologetic about it. But you see, he is also often very passive when it comes to the things he doesn't want to do and would hesitate in insisting on his boundaries until he is pushed to his limits- from my observation of his interactions with the members and I think Suga and RM have talked about this too.

A classic example of this is his conversation with Jimin about their friendship- when Jimin said they were in between love and friends. His hesitation was a sign he was uncomfortable with that description but he didn't assert himself over it.

Another example would be Jimin saying during their log that he was taking a liking to JK- JK didn't react as much but JM turning to ask him if he was ok with him saying things like that was a sign they had had the talk about 'boundaries.'

JK is a very assertive person but his position as the youngest within the group places a lot of restrictions on his assertiveness I feel.

We talk a lot about Jimin being Kumbaya and sacrificing a lot of their personal happiness for the good of the group- well, I've been talking. Y'all don't say shit much- fuxking lurkers 😒 y'all suck. Lol. [Delete before you post, you idiot. They don't know you like that]

Anywho, we often talk about Jimin in this context but we- by we, I mean I, don't talk enough about all the ways JK often sacrifices his authenticity for the Kumbaya of the group as well. But unlike Jimin, I feel JK does it so he can keep his glass closet- fucking whippidy whip whipped. Lol.

And it's crazy because that sacrifice he makes of his true feelings and it's expression is what often leads people to question whether he acts exclusively with JM at all.

Often I hear shippers complain about how he did this with Jimin but he did similar thing with another member- listen, if you've heard JK sigh upon seeing RM imitating his mannerisms to try to neutralize his nonverbal gestures around Jimin, you'd understand what exclusivity means for him.

And when, you think about that he had to apologize to and explain himself for choosing to wear his man's bag over another member- it's not hard to see where his authentic self began to erode- It started from the moment the apologies begun. Never apologize for who you are- class dismissed. Lol.

Then he goes on to talk about losing his passions for his GCFs, his music- this is a person everyone within the group had said is or was the most passionate member within the group... You gotta wonder where it all went wrong. Know what I mean? Come on work me. I'm writing this at 2am. Lol.

I think Jimin was right when he said giving should never be a task. You should give from your heart and from your own free will. Not for show, and certainly not to please anyone.

Wishing a member a happy birthday should never be a duty, task or obligation- especially when such moments and expressions of it has become performative over the years rather than as true expressions of the love and affections they have for eachother- ok, I'm dozing off now. Lmho.

I mean let's face it, posting on Twitter for eachother has become more of a culture and an established tradition within the group that sentimental members within the group hold on to.

The birthday twitter post has been hijacked and lowkey/highkey advances the OT7 kumbaya agenda BigHit is bent on pushing and sells the BTS bromance fantasy to us rather than an actual representation of their love for eachother. In my opinion. I could be wrong about this.

JK asserting himself would mean him choosing not to participate in expressions that to him are performative, shallow and lacks depth whatsoever.

I know what you are gonna say- but but Jimin's birthday. But but but nothing. Lol. I have said I felt he was going to post for Jimin's birthday. Dude geared up for it with the 5/8 and everything.

And given as he's been on a journey to do the things he wants to and to pursue meaning in his expressions of self within the group, I feel and I believe he believes wishing his man a happy birthday on social is meaningful- Confirmation bias this shit. Lol.

Not that the act itself is meaningful, but that the act holds meaning to Jimin. I think I've talked extensively about Jimin and how important his birthday is to him. The only reason I feel he wouldn't or didn't post for him was if Jimin had asked him not to- which I believe he did. Posting for Jimin would have been tantamount to outing their relationship gangster style. Lol.

And we all know how the members feel about that. Smirk.

So no, I don't think he's been banned from posting for his man's birthday. I think this is him deciding not to partake in performative expressions of love- perhaps because that has never been him?

I don't know for Tae's Journey. His decision not to post feels very random to me. Who knows, he and JK have been talking a lot lately it seems and getting closer post Sope. So if you ask me, this perhaps is him taking a page out of JK's self help book and pursuing that authenticity of self expressions I've talked about?

I mean he did do awesome things for Jin's birthday so I don't think we can complain much. Getting his friends to wish Jin a happy birthday certainly pulls weight over a second post on Twitter. Jin got a birthday party with the members, RM had the same.....

The thing that bothers me and my friends over here about Jikook's incident is the lack of closure after that traumatizing experience.

With the others JK didn't post for, at least we got to see him in a VLive with them interacting and just giving us moments here and there. So even if he didn't post, we know he was with them and they shared the memory of that day together- which I feel is what we shippers want. For them to show eachother love- whatever way they express it.

With Jimin- Nada. Zero. Zilch. We got nothing my guy. Jimin didn't share any insight or give any details remotely resembling closure for us. We were hoping for a bangtan bomb or Episode but nothing so far. I hate it here.

We didn't get to see JK showing the love we know he feels for Jimin- he's proven time and again he loves that man. We didn't get to see them share the memories of that day together. Not even through narration- Jimin, you sonova bish! Lol.

Would I ever move on from that incident? No.

Do I want to move on from that incident- chileee I've been trying. It would haunt me for the rest of my Jikook life. Lol. I still get get nightmares thinking about it and it's Christmas. Sigh.

I think we would have to observe rather than anticipate how they choose to express and communicate their love for one another- especially Jikook and by extension Taejin- chilee Anon, I respect your hustle. Lol.

I don't blame you though. I mean sometimes Jin be looking like he wants to gobb-ok

What was your question again? Lol. I hope I answered it. Chilee. Keep supporting Jikook.

Signed,

GOLDY

[iamjungkooked]

Hold Me | JJk

↳Genre: Angst (literally that’s all this is)

↳Prompt: “If you don’t hold me right now, i might just fall apart”

↳Word count: 5.3k

Warnings: Manipulation and betrayal

Pairing: Jungkook x female reader

↳Synopsis:

Jeongguk lets go of you. But when he comes back into your life for the briefest of moments he’s a little too late.

↳A/N: I am cross-posting this from my other blog! THIS IS NOT PLAGARIZED I’ve been gone for a while from this blog but since I wrote something I thought I should post it here as well. It’s something I wrote weeks ago for a friend. But I hope you guys all like it! 

{18 years of age}

Your heart thumps in your chest as everyone slowly gets picked into the teams. This is why you hated PE. You were usually the last one to be picked because everyone knew of your thorough incapability to play any kind of sports. It was common knowledge within your high school. So when you were forced to choose physical education as an elective to complete the required credits to graduate, you had no choice but to make yourself resilient to the fact that you would always be picked last.

It was worse because right now Jimin and Jeongguk were the captains of the dodgeball teams. As soon as he was chosen the captain of Team A Jimin had immediately looked to you and a sly smile tugged on his lips. You could see the wheels turning in his mind and you knew he was up to something.

So as you stand in the horrible PE attire you hope Jimin chooses you because the alternative will likely end up with you passing out. You can’t be in the same team as Jeon Jeongguk because you have a massive crush on him and every time you see him you feel like you will die. Some people call it being overdramatic but you call it being a teenager with no control over her emotions. You and Gus Isaacs are the only two people left as Jimin picks one of the guys from grade 12 into his team as his second-last pick. Not you, but someone else.

“Y/n”

You hear your name somewhere far in the distance but ignore the call and continue ruminating and chewing on your lip in the process.

“Y/n” you hear your name again, and this time it’s a bit clearer but you still ignore it and think you are probably hallucinating. Until Gus Isaacs elbows your side to bring you back to reality.

You wince in pain and hold onto the spot, giving Gus the evil eye as he motions towards the front. “Jeongguk chose you to be in his team”

You blink stupidly at him as if you can’t comprehend what he’s saying. You can’t. You hear the words ‘Jeongguk chose you to be in his team’ but they don’t connect right in your head. In fact they don’t connect at all so you miss the memo while the whole class gawks at you as you stare blankly at Gus.

“Y/n, do you wanna join the team?” Jeongguk asks firmly and with the usual confidence he carries.

In your repeated blinking state you turn to look ahead only to be subjected to a questioning look by Jeongguk.

Then your vision starts blurring and the last thing you remember is a heavy feeling taking over your limbs and someone shouting your name.

You awaken about an hour later in the school infirmary. You crack open an eye to find a boringly dull white ceiling gracing your view. You open your other eye and lower your gaze to find-

“Jeongguk?”

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

Why the fuck is Jeon Jeongguk here and not Jimin?

“I am fine” you strain as you try to get up. Jeongguk immediately places his hands on your elbows to help you sit up. You’re too wrapped up in your confusion to notice Jeongguk is touching you, otherwise, there would have been a reaction. “Where is Jimin?”

“He had to go to class and well someone needed to be here with you. So, I stayed”

“You don’t even know me” it’s a wonder you’re able to speak at all given that you fainted because of him. But he doesn’t need to know that.

“Are you kidding me?” he scoffs in a non-condescending way. “I have had every class with you since grade 8. Of course, I know you. Plus Jimin never shuts up about you and how great you are”

“You know me?” your eyes widen

He rolls his eyes. “Stop treating me like I am some damn celebrity. Contrary to the popular belief I am not a jerk”

“But you are a celebrity” you mumble under your breath, sheepishly casting your gaze at your lap.

“What?” he squints his eyes at you.

“Nothing. You can go by the way. I am fine” you swing your legs over the bed and plant your feet firmly on the ground. You pull yourself up with effort but a light feeling runs through you and you wobble on your feet and fall back down on the tiny bed.

“Yeah. You’re totally fine” Jeongguk muses sarcastically as he steadies you. “The nurse said you should go home. I’ll take you. Come on”

Your muscles feel tight and you feel the tension in every limb. This is probably what your mom means when she says she’s had an arthritis flare-up. It’s definitely not a fun feeling. You can’t move a muscle as Jeongguk quietly waits for you to say something. This is the most surreal situation you have ever been in. The eighteen-year-old you, crazed by hormones and prone to fantasizing doesn’t know how to deal with it.

“I can go home by myself”

“Sure. If you want faint on the way and then get kidnapped by some random creepy dude. Go ahead. Eighteen-year-old girls are like a hot commodity for those psycho’s” Jeongguk says firmly, clearly trying to scare you into submission.

“What makes you think I won’t get kidnapped if you’re with me?” you question with a slight intention of teasing.

He looks scandalized as his nose scrunches and brows knit together so tightly you never thought it was possible for someone to be that offended. “Excuse me. Have you seen me?”

Yes of course, you have seen him. You’ve memorized his whole fucking face and embedded it so deep into your memory you made sure that even retrograde amnesia couldn’t get rid of it. You have been looking at him from afar for so long, you know every little thing about him.

“Just because you are slightly buff doesn’t mean you can help me”

“Wow” his jaw drops. “I have added weights to my routine so I am way stronger than I used to be. I could protect you”

“Spoken like a true teenage guy living on testosterone” you chuckle.

He rolls his eyes yet again. “So now that I have proven my point, can I take you home?”

“I’ll spare your ego” your lips pull into a grin which he echoes.

He wraps an arm around your waist and you stand firmly on the ground, waiting to feel stable before you begin walking. Jeongguk doesn’t let go eyes resting on your face as he watches you inhale slowly before nodding.

Your skin burns, every limb feels with fiery wrath the effect of his touch. Your mouth dries, throat completely parched. Your hands become clammy as you curl your fists into the sticky palm.

“Are you good?” he asks

You nod. “It’s alright. You can let go”

“And have you fall and then I get blamed for it? No way” he shakes his head, resolute.

You sigh. “Fine then. Walk me home” you say and you won’t lie that even just a little part of you is ecstatic.

“Gladly” he greets you with a grin when you look up at him. “Where is your locker?” he asks as you both step out of the infirmary and into the quiet hall.

“It’s okay. I can text Jimin to bring my stuff later”

“You and Jimin that close?” he sounds resigned about it.

“I thought Jimin talked about me” you question as you walk side by side, Jeongguk guiding you with his hand on the small of your back.

“He says you’re friends. But he never mentioned you were close enough for him to go to your house” Jeongguk explains, his previously cheery voice slightly deflated.

“That’s kinda hard to do when he lives just down the street and he loves my mom’s cooking” you press your lips into a thin smile.

“Ah” he nods in acknowledgement. “Is he just a friend or…” Jeongguk trails, not really needing to go any further because it is self-explanatory.

You reach the west side exit and step out into the cool spring afternoon with the sun shining brightly overhead. “Why are you so interested?” you cock a brow at him.

“No reason” he shrugs. “Just wanted to know if Jimin had a girl” he waves it off casually. “Anyway, so tell me something about yourself”

Your eyes narrow in confusion. “We’re making small talk now?”

“I didn’t mention the weather did I?” Jeongguk chuckles.

“Fine. What do you want to know?”

He pouts, eyes squinting as he looks into the distance. He looks cute when pouts and he does that a lot. It’s creepy that you know this but when you’ve spent a better part of your high school life fantasizing over the guy it becomes second nature after a while.

“Tell me something Jimin doesn’t know” his eyes widen with a hint of excitement.

“Oh, that’s hard because I tell Jimin everything” you pause, trying to rack your brain for something you have never told Jimin.

“There has to be one thing” Jeongguk prompts.

Your lips just out as you try really hard to think.

Then it hits you.

“Don’t tell him but one time when we were younger he thought he lost his favourite toy. But really I took it from him and never told him about it”

“Wow. What a thief” Jeongguk teases with a laugh.

“He still talks about it and it’s so awkward” you shake your head, reminiscing about the time when Jimin has mentioned his missing action figurine.

“Why did you take it?” Jeongguk asks.

“The day before I took it, he went off to play with some of the other kids. I was mad that I had to play alone while he was having fun with them on the roundabout, and the swings and they were running around laughing. I felt abandoned so the next day I took it and pretended like he lost it”

“Remind me not to piss you off” he jokes, his hand which was resting on the small of your back, suddenly thrown over your shoulder.

You look down at his hand as it dangles over your shoulder. It’s awfully intimate for two people who have just met. But you shake your head because you can’t let these thoughts limit you and freeze you up. You’re finally talking to him and you’re having a good conversation. So you can’t jeopardize this because your body automatically reacts to his touch. That can’t be why you shoot yourself in the foot, so you maintain your calm by inhaling deeply and forcing your body to relax.

“Tell me something you’ve never told anyone” you look at him, noticing how he’s chewing on his lips looking into the distance.

He looks down at you with a soft smile. “I’ll tell you. I promise. When the time is right”

“How is that fair?” you pout.

“Wow child” he pinches your nose, wrinkling his own nose in a cute manner. He retracts his hand, letting it fall to his side.

“Fine. It’s not like I’ll die if I don’t know your deepest darkest secret”

It elicits a hearty laugh from him.

{20 years of age}

Jeongguk stands at your door, chewing on his lip as he tries to decide if he’s making the wrong move. But then he remembers he promised he’ll tell you something he hasn’t told anyone. Even if that was two years ago and he’s a little too late in keeping his promise he still needs to tell you. He doesn’t know where it’s going to head, or what exactly he’s going to say because you’re kind of his best friend and he doesn’t want you to feel like he doesn’t care about you.

So with a deep inhale he knocks on the door and waits. He can hear the footsteps nearing and then the door opens to reveal you.

“Who invited you?” you joke, stepping aside and motioning for him to come in.

“I invited myself. I think I can come to my best friend’s house without an invitation. It’s kinda my right” he leans in and presses a kiss to your temple before ridding himself of his shoes and walking down the hall and falling onto the couch.

You follow him with a shake of the head. After two years of being friends and then eventually best friends with him, you’ve made yourself five percent immune to his actions which border between platonic and romantic. You don’t think he realizes it because he always does things like holding your hand out of nowhere or kissing you on the forehead as a goodbye.

You collapse next to him, and like a reflex, he pulls you into him wrapping an arm around your shoulder, fingers stroking the soft flesh. “I ask again you’re here because…”

“I can’t come and see my best friend? I missed you” he presses a soft kiss to your forehead. Your eyes close momentarily as you cherish his touch because this is all you will get. This is as close you will be to being something more to him.

“You can. But you just saw me five hours ago and we hung out. Now you’re here and you’re…” you look up at him and place your index finger in the middle of his forehead. “Now you’re frowning which means you’re stuck”

“I am stuck?” he looks down at you, a soft crinkle in the corner of his eyes.

“I mean something is bothering you” you pull your finger away and rest your hand in your lap.

“How do you always know?” he smiles softly.

Yeah. How do you know?

Is it because you have loved the guy for so long or because you pay very careful attention to him? It’s not like you can tell him so you settle for-

“I just know. Now tell me what’s going on in that big head of yours” you tap his temple with your finger.

“Okay first, I am not big-headed. Secondly, I have something to tell you”

“Are you finally going to keep your promise from two years ago?” you shuffle your head so you can get a look at him. He’s lost in thought, a vacant expression holding his gaze away from you.

“I am kind of dating Kira” he lets out a shaky breath.

You pull yourself away, suddenly feeling cold all over. Your heart pounds against your chest, the rhythm thrumming so loud in your ears they start ringing. You swallow, looking into the eyes of this majestic man in front of you who has slipped from your fingers like sand. There is no hope now. He’s gone.

But worse than that he’s dating Kira. She’s the epitome of a mean girl. Even worse.

“Since when?” you whisper softly, feeling your heart shatter into pieces as each second passes by.

“Four months” he replies, not meeting your gaze. “I was going to tell you but I thought I’d wait until things get serious enough”

If there was ever any hope of recovering from this, it’s gone now. You can imagine yourself moping, and crying in the near future because you couldn’t tell him first how you felt. Maybe if you had given in to bravery instead of your fears you might have been the one dating him.

“Why?” your heartbreak echoes in your words. You don’t know if he can hear it. You’re not even mad that he kept it from you for months. You are so severely hurt you can’t even begin to feel angry about it. It feels hollow inside, like the place where your heart should be is empty. A cold chill runs down your spine as you stare into Jeongguk’s eyes– the ones that always feel like home– but now they feel like a strange abyss.

“Because she’s actually sweet. She’s nice”

You put your feelings aside for a moment because this is bigger than you. Just because you feel like you’re suffocating sitting next to him; just because it feels like the end and just because you feel like you’ll die doesn’t mean you’ll let him ruin himself. She’s wrong for him in ways he can’t see.

“Jeongguk. Listen, I know you think you like her. I know you think she’s nice but she’s not”

“Please y/n” he whispers, reaching for your hand and holding it in his. “Not you. You have to side with me on this”

“I want to. If this was someone else” your throat constricts even thinking about it. You swallow. “I would be completely happy for you. But Kira isn’t what you deserve. You deserve better. You deserve good and she’s not it”

Jeongguk’s hold on your hand slackens. “Just because you can’t see the good in her, doesn’t mean she isn’t”

You stare back at him, the way his jaw sets tightly, the way he’s trying so hard not to be angry at you. “I can’t. I can’t tell you what you want to hear. My job as your best friend is to save you not destroy you”

He pulls his hand away from yours and gets up. “Whatever,” he says. “I don’t need your approval. I just thought I should tell you”

“Jeongguk-”

“Bye y/n” his gaze lingers on you before he walks to the front door and leaves.

You didn’t think your friendship with Jeongguk was so fragile that it would fracture under the weight of his feelings for Kira. But since he’s actually avoiding you, you presumed wrong. He’s not been answering any of your texts or calls. He hasn’t visited you even once in the weeks after he admitted the truth to you.

He’s vanished from your life– like he never existed.

It leaves a hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach to know that he’s just decided not to be a part of your life anymore. You feel hurt, but more than feeling hurt you feel disappointed in yourself. Trust is a fickle thing. It’s earned through effort and broken without lifting a finger. Did Jeongguk not know that? Does he not understand that you want what is best for him? Can he really not see that you have always been on his side?

But how do you bring someone back from the edge when they have decided to take the fall?

“Missing your best friend?” Kira makes an unwanted appearance as your eyes focus back to reality. She’s got a sly smirk on her face.

You roll your eyes. “I am sure you got into his head”

“He’s not a plaything. He knows what’s right and wrong for him” she folds her arms across her chest.

“You got what you wanted. Fuck off now” you bite through clenched teeth as you gather your belongings, ready to leave. You’re almost out of the door when Kira speaks.

“He knows you like him.” she says in a condescending tone.

Your steps halt and so does your heart. You turn around. “Just when I thought you couldn’t sink any lower”

She shrugs. “Your perceptions of me are your problem. Not mine”

“A snake like you doesn’t deserve him”

She laughs with a roll of her eyes. “You think you deserve him?”

Your jaw sets tight as you glare at her. “I do. I deserve him because I’ve been with him through thick and thin. I’ve mended his broken heart, I’ve tended to him when he fell sick, I’ve put my life on hold to help him live his. So fuck yes I deserve him”

She quietly observes smirk still plastered to her lips like she’s incapable of expressing herself in any other way. But then the smirk falters and sets into a frown. “Y/n please don’t” she reaches for your hands, crushing them between hers on purpose.

“What?” your nose scrunches in confusion.

“Jeongguk is your best friend. Don’t leave him because of me” her eyes become glossy, furthering your confusion. “I’ll break up with him” a single tear escapes her eye.

“Wha-”

“Kira. Dont.” a firm voice draws your attention. You turn around to find Jeongguk glaring at you.

With quick strides, he stands between you and Kira and he tugs her hands out of yours.

“I know you don’t like her but I never thought you would try to go behind my back and try to sabotage my relationship” Jeongguk looks at you with such venom laced eyes it pulls at your heartstrings.

“What? I didn’t even-”

“It’s okay kookie” Kira sniffles leaning into his chest.

You gawk at her, blinking repeatedly at the scene in front of you.

“Wow” your brows knit together, jaw agape as you look at her completely mortified. “She’s lying” you turn to Jeongguk. His nostrils flare, chest heaving as he stares at you–clearly not believing you, his best fucking friend of two years. He takes the word a girl he’s known for a few months. He doesn’t even need to say anything for you to know what he’s thinking. His eyes say it all, the hatred with which he’s looking at you says it all.

“You know what Jeongguk, she’s changed you and you can’t even see it” your eyes sting with tears. You have so much to say but you bite your words because Jeongguk can’t see past his feelings.

“You just can’t see me happy because you like me” his voice cracks, and you can see the shine overcoming his eyes before he turns away.

Your heart sinks in your chest. It’s not what he’s saying. It’s the accusatory tone of his voice that hurts. “Well, congratulations Jeongguk. You don’t have to feel burdened by it anymore. Have a great fucking life” you bite.

Kira looks up at you, a smile quivering on her lips. She glances up at Jeongguk who’s looking away to the side and then turns to you as she lets herself smile. She’s won.

You turn on your heels and walk away from them– from the pain of it all because there is no point anymore. It’s like someone has driven a stake through your heart. It would have been better if that happened because the alternative is losing your best friend which hurts more than any pain that could be inflicted on you.

There is a sharp ache that settles in your chest as you walk away. But even as you do there is a tiny sliver of hope that he’ll call out your name and tell you to stay. Bit by bit it breaks as you step further away from him, until you are out of the door.

But you don’t hear his voice

{23 years of age}

You didn’t think you would ever get over Jeongguk. But Jimin helped you in ways you couldn’t imagine. He never took advantage of your vulnerable state, he never inserted himself in your life when you were at your weakest. He was just there, being your friend when you realized that somehow he had pieced your heart back together without even trying.

He never tried to get you to move on from Jeongguk. He knew you liked him– loved him rather. He was there for the drunken nights when all you could manage were sobs because your chest felt tight, and memories of Jeongguk would come rushing back in your inebriated state. Jimin’s silence spoke volumes and even through the haze you could see how much he cared as he would silently place your head on his shoulder and hold you close.

Since the day Jeongguk let you walk away from his life, Jimin has been there. He’s with you now, holding your hand, squeezing it tight as Jeongguk stands in front of you, puffy-eyed. Jimin slowly laces his fingers with yours, eyes never wavering from Jeongguk. The breath that has been caught in your throat finally releases and relief floods your chest. A slight ache settles deep somewhere, into far depths of your entire being and it begins to radiate until you feel a sharp stabbing sensation in your chest that has you squeezing Jimin’s hand like its your lifeline.

“Y/n” Jeongguk’s quiet and firm voice reverberates through the air as it reaches you

Pain forgotten, your eyes find purchase on the floor. You can feel your knees beginning to give out, a slight quiver indicating that you won’t be able to stand much longer. You are suddenly steadied on your feet. You look down at your waist to find a hand resting on your side.

“I’ve got you y/n. You just have to be brave” Jimin whispers in your ear.

You don’t know how to be brave. You thought three years was enough time to prepare yourself, to harden your heart to the fact that Jeon Jeongguk would never be a part of your life again. But maybe you never could move on. Maybe you will never be able to forget Jeongguk. Maybe you will never be strong enough to stand on your feet by yourself in front of him, and perhaps he will always be your greatest weakness.

But he looks broken.

As much as you did the day he let go of you without a second of hesitation. You can still remember the look of determination in his eyes, his set jaw, as he had looked away and without even a glance let you walk away from him.

That should be enough to make all the panic go away. That should give way to anger. But all that serves to do is remind you of how much it hurt to let him go.

“How have you been?” Jeongguk speaks but this time his voice shakes.

You shudder.

“I- I wanted to see you earlier but…” he trails off.

You just have to be brave- Jimin’s voice rings in your head.

“Let’s go Jimin” your voice is meek. Your action is anything but.

Jimin nods and leads you, his hand still holding onto yours tightly as you begin to walk past Jeongguk. It feels slightly nostalgic–walking away from him all over again.

“Y/n wait” Jeongguk is quick to catch a hold of your wrist just as you are passing by him.

You’re tugged in both directions as both men hold onto your hands. You’re forced to stop and face Jeongguk.

“You know you have some nerve Jeongguk” Jimin’s voice is firm as he grits his teeth.

“Stay out of it, Jimin. Please” Jeongguk stares intently at Jimin, but his tone isn’t hostile.

Jimin rolls his eyes. “It’s making her uncomfortable” Jimin bites back, hardly able to control his anger. It seeps through his words.

Jeongguk’s eyes shift focus to you and it’s clear as day that you are in fact uncomfortable. He notices the pained look in your face, the cloud of wispy breath fogging his view as you inhale sharply. He can see it in the way you’re avoiding him, the way your eyes are dancing around, restless and refusing to settle.

He lets go and licks his lips. “I am sorry y/n”

That gets your attention. It’s taken him three years to say that to you. “Sorry?” you scoff, anxiety and inhibition are forgotten as you meet his gaze.

“I know I was a dick to you-”

“You broke my heart Jeongguk. You broke–” you stop to gulp the tight knot down your throat. “You broke my heart to pieces and you didn’t even hesitate. Your ‘sorry’ won’t fix it”

“I know. So tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix it”

“You can’t. I won’t make you feel guilty and tell you that you could have done it. I know you were in love. But were you so afraid of my feelings for you that you couldn’t even have listened to me? We could have been friends in the very least. I would have been fine with it”

There is a pregnant pause. Jeongguk’s eyes flutter to the ground, and he chews on his lip in silence.

“I wouldn’t have been y/n” his gentle voice cuts through

“What?”

“You’re right. The moment I found out you liked me, I freaked out. I realized something at that moment and it scared me. I didn’t know how to deal with it so I thought the best thing would be for me to let you go. Then I saw Kira crying and I thought you guys got into a fight and it gave me a reason to let you go. Otherwise, I never would have”

You feel Jimin looking at you through the periphery. You quickly glance at him. Jeongguk lifts his head to meet your gaze.

“What scared you?”

“The fact that I liked you. The realization that I had–have– always liked you scared me. It terrified me because it was too real. I could see it in my head y/n– being with you. It was easy to imagine but I have been a commitment-phobe my entire life. I just couldn’t bring myself to”

You gulp hard. Your mouth is dry and in the cold January morning, your hand starts to sweat. You blink profusely at Jeongguk, unable to fathom his words. Jimin squeezes your hand, reassuring you, and reminding you to stay in the moment and not get swept away in the flood of your feelings. It grounds you and enables you to look a Jeongguk without feeling like you will lose your breath at any moment.

“I am sorry Jeongguk. You’re a little too late” you spare him one moment of a glance before turning on your heels.

“If you don’t hold me right now, I might just fall apart” his voice squeaks.

You halt in your steps. You pivot on your heels and face him. He stands with his head hung low, soft muffled sounds escaping his mouth, and you can see a tear fall down his cheek. You quickly look at Jimin.

“Y/n” he says warningly.

But you nod your head in reassurance and he loosens his grip on your hand.  

“I’d never let you fall apart Jeongguk. Never” you say quietly as you stand on your toes and wrap your hands behind his shoulders in an embrace. A moment passes as he stands limply in your arms before you feel his hands squeezing around your waist. “I know what it’s like to fall apart and feel alone. I’d never wish that for you” you hug tighter, resting your chin against his shoulder. You can hear the sound of his tears hitting your jacket, and it breaks your heart too.

A few beats of silence pass while you hold each other. You feel the heaviness that had weighed your heart down for three years melting away. Jeongguk sniffles and steps back, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

“So does that mean-” you can see the glimmer of hope in his eyes.

“No” you say firmly, holding his hands into yours. “No Jeongguk. I won’t be able to this time” you shake your head and just like that the dull look is back in his eyes. “Look at what not being together did to us. Being together would destroy us. The possibility that it could go sideways at any moment would ruin both of us. I told you, I will not let that happen to you” your voice quivers.

“Y/n…”

“I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember Jeongguk. I still do and maybe I always will. But we can’t always have what we want, can we?” your lips curl into a faint smile.

Jeongguk sighs heavily. Tears stream down his cheeks as they do yours. “No, we can’t” he replies, his fingers slipping through your hands.

“Bye Jeongguk” you stand on your toes as you kiss his cheek, lingering for a moment before pulling away.

“Bye y/n” he whispers, closing his eyes. He hears your footsteps retreat. He feels the cold breeze of wind caressing his face. He opens his eyes.

You’re gone.

And he is alone.

Let me know your thoughts! Thank you so much for reading this!

[pippki-writes]

An Ill-Fitting Name: Snippet 4

NOTES:

Snippet 1

Snippets 2 & 3

Features lyrics from Danny Schmidt’s “This Too Shall Pass”

Faoust belongs to @thebiggestnerd - she writes him, the healer (whose contribution I summarized in this snippet, I don’t think she comes up again much for our murderboy here so I didn’t go too in depth with her) - everyone else is mine.

Longer post, 8,066 words folks! Buckle up.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The name is like an ill-fitting coat, but it’s either wear it, or go naked in the cold, metaphorically speaking. He knows Faoust will kill him, but he’s not dead yet.

The officer sitting outside the room tilts her chair back on its legs, in one ear her radio turned low and largely ignored, holding her phone out playing music and keeping her other ear tilted to the room and its occupant for signs of life. He listens to the music coming from her phone:

We think too big

We think our self is one whole thing

And we claim that this collection

Has a name and is a being

But deep inside

When every cell divides

Well, it sets upon the rule that states

Self-interest is divine

He scrapes out an involuntary cough, and the officer lets her chair fall forward as she twists to check on him.

She tries to interrogate him, but he can’t talk, and only whispers “no.” He writes on her notepad, “I’m expecting a visitor,” and refuses to communicate further. His intuition is that Faoust will come here for him eventually, though he doesn’t know how long Faoust will let him live. Maybe Faoust won’t come while he’s in the hospital. But hovering over the edge of the pain, death feels certain and he knows where it will come from.

Finally, a visitor arrives. He hears the footsteps approaching, certainly heavier than any of the nurses that have tended to him, and the sound of a respectful shuffling in place, acknowledging the officer guarding his hospital room.

A familiar voice speaks. “Hey. I’m here to see my friend Asmodai, officer…?”

He can hear the sound of the officer crossing her arms, but she neither gets up nor offers her name. “Don’t suppose you might be able to tell me what the hell happened to him and how he ended up here?”

“Nah, wish I could. Is he ok?”

“He’s not in great shape. I’m not a doctor but he’s bad off. And not the kind of bad off that happens accidentally.”

“That’s crazy.”

“Almost as crazy as whoever did this. You don’t have any ideas?”

“Nah. I’m not really an ideas guy. Just a guy who worries about my friends. Can I go see him or...?”

The officer gives a defeated little grunt. “Yeah, sure. Go ahead. We can talk later.”

Dorien walks into the room as though he belongs there. Machines. IVs. In the middle of the room, bed propped up, staring at him, there’s that bastard Asmodai. Dorien takes a moment to breathe, staring back, looking angry. Dorien reminds himself why he is here. Not to kill him. Not to bring retribution. Just information to help Faoust. He clenches and unclenches his hands.

It takes Dorien a moment to realize what Asmodai is doing. The slight, strange sound, chest heaving—he is, very quietly, laughing.

He hasn’t come to terms with how to refer to himself—he is no more Isaiah than he was Asmodai, but he supposes, out of respect for the wish of a self who once knew what it wanted, he will call himself Isaiah until it fits. Or until he’s dead.

Isaiah laughs until the sound breaks into a cough. For starters, this was not the visitor he was expecting. And he can see why he would have been drawn to Dorien. Tall, dark-haired, handsome, and vulnerable. So many of his favorite things. The wizard Asmodai, before he stole his name, had been much the same.

Dorien keeps himself in check, and comes closer to the bedside. He doesn’t want the officer to hear him.

“What’s so fucking funny?” Dorien growls quietly.

Isaiah frowns. Talking will be an effort. He can’t even breathe too deeply, thanks to Dorien’s best attempts to slowly crush his ribs the other night after what he tried to do to Faoust. This is merely a fact—he doesn’t feel particular malice over it. He tries to choose his words carefully, so as not to waste them. There’s no volume, only whispering, but even the whispers are so resolute, so final. The playfulness of Asmodai is gone.

“Too much...to explain. What ...do you want...to know?”

Dorien folds his arms, lest he be tempted to do anything. “C’mon, what do you think I’d be here wanting to know. The magic-blocking cuffs. How do we take them off? Where’s the key?”

Isaiah shakes his head. “Didn’t get...a key. Wouldn’t...have wanted it.”

Dorien glares down at the bastard who nearly succeeded at killing the love of his life, and proceeds to try to get information out of him while texting Faoust. The conversation is slow going. The answers Dorien gets are halting and unsatisfying.

Faoust texts Dorien: "I want to know what he thinks should happen next."

Dorien looks down at Asmodai. “So what do you think should happen next?”

Isaiah sighs, unfazed. “Talking...not exactly....easy. Paper? Pen? Your phone?”

Dorien looks around for paper. He’s dumb, but not dumb enough to hand over his phone. He finds a notepad and a cheap pen in the desk drawer, and throws them on Asmodai’s lap.

Isaiah scribbles, handwriting messy and difficult on the flimsy pad, “He kills me for what” a scribble then, crossing out an “As,” and the writing resumes, “I’ve done. Why wouldn’t he? It’s inevitable.”

Dorien tears the paper off the notepad and holds it up, taking a picture to send to Faoust. “You’ve really fucked up, Asmodai.”

Isaiah’s mouth twitches a little at the name.

Above the top of the note, in the picture, Faoust can see Asmodai staring at the camera. There is no fear, nothing pathetic in the way he looks. Resolute. Certain. Final.

Faoust frowns. He had hoped for a bit more fight. But this is sort of like putting down a rabid dog at this point. It's not enjoyable for anyone involved.

Faoust: "tell him I'm disappointed that it came to this"

Faoust: "tell him I'll be there soon. As soon as my magic is back"

Dorien reads his phone, and before he can speak another note is being waved at him that reads “tell him come talk to me himself. This is fucking ridiculous.” Dorien sighs and snatches the note, snapping a picture for Faoust. There is a touch of defiance in Isaiah’s eye.

Faoust's lip curls in irritation and a tiny bit of embarrassment. Fine.

Faoust makes his way to the hospital, to the third floor, to the charge nurse.

“Looking for my friend,” says Faoust, “A John Doe?”

The charge nurse points with a pen. “The room with the officer. There’s already a visitor and technically I shouldn’t let too many people visit at once, but you know what? The world is hell. This hospital is hell. Go nuts.”

“Amen,” Faoust replies, heading over to the officer. “Hi, I'm here for my friend. I guess I have to answer questions first?”

The officer squints up at him suspiciously. “Damn, did the city call a prettyboy convention and I missed the memo?” She lets the chair rest back on all four legs. “I dunno, what do you know about what happened to your friend?”

“Not much. We were out partying, I know pandemic and all, but spare me the lecture. I told him goodbye and to call me when he got home but he never did.” Faoust pauses. “I heard he's bad. Maybe a hit and run?”

“Sure. Sure. Right.” The officer eyes him for a moment. “You’re a better liar than your friend. Go on in.”

“Liar? I- ugh. Fine.” He gives up on the officer and goes in the room.

“Alright you piece of shit. I'm here. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Isaiah looks at Faoust appreciatively. Yeah, he can see why he did all that shit. He sighs, wishing he could just fucking talk, and settles for hurriedly writing on the notepad.

Dorien mutters softly to Faoust. “He can’t talk..apparently.”

Faoust chuckles a little. “I should expect so.”

Isaiah rips off the note and holds it out. It begins with “A” scratched out and then “I resented the power you had over me. Wanted you to suffer. Wanted to kill you, and Dorien, and take your name, take your power. And didn’t want to kill you. Wanted to fuck and kill with you. Poorer judgment won out. Tried to make you suffer.” He sighs, frustrated at the time it takes to write, already writing on a new note.

Faoust reads the note and sighs. It was just as he thought.

“I wanted to just keep it fun and casual.” Faoust grits out through his teeth, “Why did you have to complicate things?”

Isaiah tosses Faoust a finished note: “No point in apologies. Won’t change what was done. No actions to right it” and starts writing a response to the question, tapping the pen on his chin, thinking.

“Wasn’t as fun fucking and killing without you. Didn’t like that.”

“That's called friendship, you absolute dolt.”

Isaiah pauses, and writes “Asmodai didn’t do well with having friends.”

Faoust runs his hands through his hair in exasperation. “Wait-Asmodai? Third person? Who the fuck are we talking to then?”

Isaiah makes a face. It’s difficult to explain. He writes. “I am. Was. Asmodai. For too long I think.”

He pauses, rolls his eye. He doesn’t feel like Isaiah either.

“I did what he did. But don’t feel what he felt, anymore. Memories, yes. Feeling? No.”

Faoust pauses. “So is..is Asmodai gone?”

“Depends on what you mean. The me that felt what he—I felt?”

Isaiah makes a quiet frustrated noise and slams the pen down. He is so tired of writing. He jots another note, mindful of trying to do magic around either of them. “Can I try magic on my voice? You mind?”

Faoust shrugs. “Go for it.”

Isaiah holds his right hand around his throat, eye closed. Healing has never been his strong suit, but he knows enough to get by. He just needs to be able to talk. His hand glows faintly.

When he speaks, his voice is rough, not much volume to it but it’s more than a whisper.

“If I don’t feel the things I felt when I called myself Asmodai, am I Asmodai?”

Faoust thinks. This complicates matters. “I'll be frank. If I were to leave you be, what would you do? Don't lie to me.”

“I would leave you alone.” Isaiah shrugs. “The things I ...Asmodai...I felt, I know them. Factually. I don’t feel them anymore.” He looks at Faoust sharply. “But I am responsible for what I did.”

Faoust thinks for a moment. “This is complicated. I'll need some time with this. What do you think you'll do when you're out of the hospital?”

“What do you mean, when I’m out of the hospital? You’re going to kill me. No further planning needed.”

“Well, I was thinking about waiting when you got out of the hospital regardless.”

Isaiah sighs. “Wish I’d known that sooner. Might’ve kept this magical existential crisis at bay.” He shakes his head. “No. Probably not. Asmodai—I. Fucked up too much. There was no way he...I...would win. It’s certain. You will kill me.”  He shakes his head again.

“Look. I don't want to kill you. Asmodai. At all. At this point it's about putting down an animal. That's all. And now there's this whole thing that you're not even who I knew anymore? This complicates things. Shit, if I were to kill you, it wouldn't even feel right.”

Isaiah makes a frustrated noise. “Fuck. The only reason I’m like this is because you’re going to kill me.”

“Do you want me to kill you?”

Isaiah dodges the question. “Back when I started killing to take power and names, I bound my own name away, far beyond my memory, and it would only come back if I was certain I was going to die. So I could die not as whatever fucking asshole whose name I stole. But as myself. Or at least. In the name I was born with, right?

“I was Asmodai. I was happy being Asmodai. But now?

“I’m no more Asmodai than I am this damn name my shit mother gave me.”

Faoust thinks. “Well, look. Fine. I'll kill you. Put you down. But I have to wait. I can't do anything until I have my magic back.”

Isaiah twists his lips a little. “Hm. Can’t help there. Told your boy here, I don’t have a key for the cuffs.”

This whole time, Dorien has just been watching, arms crossed and not believing this bullshit.

“Yeah,” Faoust says, “I heard. I've just got to wait. So you've got to wait.”

Isaiah sighs again. “Isaiah. Isaiah James. My name.” He shrugs. “Me. Not me.”

Isaiah twists his lips briefly in disgust at the taste of his own name on his tongue. “If you’re going to kill me, you ought to have my name.”

Faoust nods and rubs his face. “Look, I'll put you down. I will. But it's going to take like at least a week for me to get my magic back.”

Isaiah gives another shrug. “You know where to find me. I know what I’ve done. It’s only right.”

“Alright. You're not going anywhere?”

Isaiah gives him a flat look. “Where and how the hell would I manage to do that?”

“I mean, you've got magic. I don't. You could pull out some magic to take yourself somewhere.”

Isaiah rubs his fingers together on his right hand, little sparks arcing between them as he stares vacantly at his hand. “Where would I go? For what purpose? I know my fate.”

Faoust nods, satisfied. “Alright. Well then, we'll be on our way. You've got my number.”

Isaiah nods, dismissing the sparks. “I’ll be waiting.”

Isaiah wonders if it’s worth healing himself--physically, at any rate. He closes his eye and takes stock of all his pain. So many choices. And what else is he supposed to do with his time? The burns, he thinks, he will work on those. He hovers his right hand over his burned forearm, wrapped loosely in the day’s fresh gauze, and slowly works a healing spell, distracted by memories of the fight. Remembering the moment it all turned on him, when help came for Faoust while he had no one. He shakes his head, his thoughts wandering around. So many emotions that ruled him that he’s no longer bound by. Though perhaps he should be. He ought to be more angry. But he is mostly hollowed out. He does not even notice when his thoughts slip over the witch and his magic doesn’t so much as flicker, the healing steadily and slowly knitting in his skin.

Those were Asmodai’s problems.

The worst part is the waiting. Or perhaps the worst part, right now, is the burns on his arm—his healing magic is slow, the process tedious, and his head is empty of any warming memory to draw upon to make the healing go faster. There are memories, so many memories, but as he turns his mind to each of them in turn he feels nothing he can pull from. Perhaps it would have been better not to restore the nerve endings that had been burnt away—as they return, so too returns the opportunity for fresh pain to scream through his senses. And the drugs have trouble working their wonders as his magic interferes with the natural order of his body. Too late now, he’s already started this project. When the nurses aren’t looking in on him, he hovers his hand over the burned arm and continues the laborious process of working healing magic. Healing was never his forte. It still isn’t. Good to know, though it still seems like all he knows is a catalogue of things he was, and now isn’t.

Though perhaps, Isaiah thinks, it’s pointless to dwell on. Does he need that badly to know who he is now, if he’s only going to die? Not that he wants to die. Though, he can tell, Asmodai didn’t want to die in a particularly crazed and desperate way that Isaiah no longer feels. He doesn’t want to die, but then, he doesn’t feel a clear sense that he wants much of anything right now. From the moment the spell he placed upon himself fell away, he has simply accepted the fact of his death. Imminent. Inevitable. Deserved.

Asmodai was awful—not in a way that Isaiah feels, merely as a summary of fact considering the things that he’d done. The drives that motivated him. But to be fair, Isaiah had not been a good person either. No. He had been awful too. Killed people. Tortured them. Enjoyed it. Sought power beyond his measure, and took it.

Killed the dark wizard who taught him everything.

Sealed himself away.

What had he thought would happen, if this spell had ever had cause to come undone? He can’t remember, but he is pretty sure he would not have guessed it would leave him like this. So...uncertain.

Regret implies a level of sadness Isaiah doesn’t feel. He...wishes he had been someone different though. He wishes he had acted differently. Had recognized his limits. Recognized battles he wouldn’t win, and had the sense not to fight them.

The nurse surely notices when Isaiah’s arm does not look as bad off today as it did yesterday, putting fresh gauze on, but says nothing. Discreetly checks the patient chart—yes, third degree burns. It definitely said the patient had third degree burns. But you don’t last long in this town by asking inconvenient questions. Since the patient is conscious now, staring out the window, the nurse offers him his phone from his belongings and plugs it in for him. There’s a crack across the screen, but the phone works.

Isaiah has been working on healing his arm. It is such a slow, deliberate process. He isn’t sure why he’s doing it, but now that he’s started he’s committed to continuing. After all, what else has he got to do? His arm is still a mess of burnt tissue and pain, fresh nerve endings and the testament to his limitations.

Later, he looks through his phone, deleting pictures that bring him no particular joy to look at. Eventually he texts Faoust, “Have you decided how you’ll do it?” and nothing else.

Faoust: “something quick. Could stab you right in the heart.”

The heart had been Asmodai’s favorite, ripped from his victims—sometimes raw, other times he’d toast them before devouring them whole.

Isaiah: “poetic. fitting.”

Faoust: "look man. I really don't want to do this. You could go about your business. I don't care"

Isaiah sighs, and leaves the message on read for a few minutes. He thinks.

Isaiah: “I did wrong by you. I accept responsibility for it.”

Faoust: "and I'm telling you it's fine."

Isaiah waits again before responding.

Isaiah: “now I’m the one that needs to think on that”

Faoust: "Asmodai tried to kill me. He failed. You're here now. Not the same as Asmodai. It's not the same kill for me. Look, I beat the shit out of you. That should cover it. Do you really want to die?"

Isaiah sighs to himself.

Isaiah: “no, I don’t”

Faoust: "then I'm giving you your fucking out. Take it."

Isaiah pauses. Again, Faoust giving him the opportunity not to die, after everything he...Asmodai...he did. After so many times he honestly deserved to die. He was a warped and twisted thing, not right, and surely not to be trusted. But fuck. He didn’t really want to die.

Isaiah: “...ok.”

Isaiah: “fine”

Faoust: "want me to call a healer for you?"

Isaiah: “...seriously?”

Faoust: "otherwise you're going to be stuck at the hospital forever. No offense but I want you out of here."

Isaiah: “sure, sure. If I’m healing myself it’ll take forever”

Faoust: "you can't kill her"

Isaiah: “of course”

Isaiah thinks about the warning, which is fair, considering his history. He doesn’t even feel like killing anyone right now. Which is strange to him. He wonders to himself as he waits if this is the right thing to do, not insisting Faoust kill him. If he’s just avoiding fate and what he deserves. But when Faoust arrives in his hospital room with a healer, and she uses magic to transport the three of them out of his hospital room, he just watches quietly, making no protest. The empty alley she takes them to is cold, and Isaiah’s broken body falls to the ground painfully without a bed beneath him anymore.

He sucks it up, grits his teeth, and withstands the pain and the cold. Not out of any sense of pride, but because he feels he deserves it. He lists out for the healer the procedures the doctors had done, along with his own meager attempts at healing, and in turn, she tells him what she’ll be able to do. The metal they used to set his bones will always bring him some pain and discomfort, and there’s nothing she can do for his eye, the curse--

“The eye,” says Isaiah, touching his cheek lightly, “has been there a long time now. It’s fine.”

The magic of healing is painful, and there is a lot of it to be done. Isaiah doesn’t scream, not the way he did when Faoust beat him in the first place. He endures, and tries to focus on the fact that he deserves this pain. This doesn’t stop a few strangled screams and growls from bubbling up. Faoust watches impassively, satisfied.

When it’s finished, Isaiah breathes heavily for a moment, feeling every nerve on fire, taking stock of how he feels. He sits up, slowly, impressed and in awe. He gives thanks to the healer, to Faoust, and stands up shakily on knees that are no longer shattered. He summons up the illusion of clothes over his hospital gown, with no idea where he ought to go, what he ought to do. When Faoust tells him to get the fuck out of here, he readily agrees. Not the first town he’s been kicked out of. Always violent. Always deserved.

He could teleport himself, but where the hell would he go? There’s nowhere he belongs. There’s a dull ache in his bones, and he picks a cardinal direction and starts walking toward it. The speed doesn’t matter. Isaiah doesn’t strictly need actual clothes. He could use magic to keep himself warm. But the first window shop he passes, he swaps his hospital gown for the outfit on display, and keeps walking. He walks until he’s passed by a sign indicating leaving/entering, the liminal space of one town bleeding into another, goes to the first clean motel he can find, uses his magic to procure a room, and passes out after having walked for hours.

At the hospital, a call is placed to 911. A patient is missing.

The officer assigned to take the report is the same one who had been guarding the room when Dorien and Faoust visited. With the most deadpan expression, she questions the charge nurse on duty, intoning dully, “wow, just fucking vanished, huh?”

She files a missing persons report for “Asmodai / Isaiah James,” because in spite of trying not to hear things she doesn’t want to have to question, she hears them anyway. She makes note of possible contacts / persons of interest, “Dorien” and “Faoust,” and submits her report to see if she can get away with not following up on anything further.

She doesn’t even bother running any checks on any of the names. She doesn’t find anything out about a decades-old missing persons report for a runaway boy of the name Isaiah James out of Ohio. If anyone bothered to fingerprint the victim at all to try to ID him while he was unconscious, the prints have been lost.

After all, a lot of people go missing in this town.

It’s just one more.

Her supervisor literally flips a coin to decide if such absolute bullshit shoddy work will be accepted. Tails. That’s a nope. He rejects the report, and sends her a CAD message: “hit the streets and try again sweetie.”

Officer Dannic “Dani” Voros swears, loudly, in her patrol car in the hospital parking lot, and slams her computer shut. Growls, and opens it again to search for any information she can find about Dorien and Faoust. If she can find anything, she’ll talk to them at least.

Here’s what she finds: no drivers licenses. No arrest records. No voter records. Nothing in any database she has access to. No hospital records, which no, her friend in the hospital records should NOT have looked up for her probably but dammit, this was important. Well, not important to her, but it’s what she was supposed to be doing and she was getting very annoyed with the lack of any hints of paper trail for those two.

She starts angrily and haphazardly googling search terms, and some combination of tall, mysterious, handsome, and Dorien does bring back a tabloid article about the enigmatic artist, which brings up several printed interviews and connections to a particular pre-teen punk rock band apparently bankrolled by Mr. Dorien Godforbidhehavealastname, and the names of its musicians. Actual names. First and last names, unlike those recordless bastards Dorien and Faoust. She searches the names. Property tax records. Bingo. A lead. And an address. She puts the patrol car in drive and heads out. One conversation largely conducted through the few-inch gap of a chained door later, Officer Voros has both probably offended another citizen with an inappropriate joke, and obtained an address for the two handsome strangers that called on her missing person.

The cold rain makes all this work extra annoying. She debates putting off the follow up until more clement weather. Or just never. Reluctantly she puts the patrol car in drive and heads to the address.

She looks at the apartment building as she pulls up. No, correction. She looks at the giant skeleton covered in Valentine’s decorations outside the apartment building as she pulls up. The apartment building itself is an afterthought. As she arrives, the weather around the apartment changes. Suddenly it is clear and 59 degrees.

Officer Voros just stares at the atmosphere and blinks at it like it has personally offended her. She twists in her seat to look back down the street at the weather there, then stares at the apartment again, and sinks back in her seat for a moment, closing her eyes, and thinks to herself, “thiiiiiiis. iiiiiis. some buuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiit.”

She sighs a very angry sigh, gets out of the patrol car, and goes up to the appropriate door. She raps on the door with her very best authoritative knock.

Faoust opens the door and clocks the cop. “Hm.”

Officer Voros puts her hands on her hips and brightens comically. “And they said I’d never find the secret prettyboy convention! Those bastards once again were wrong.” She smiles, and doesn’t offer her name. “Evening citizen. I’m hoping you might help me with this absolute crazy missing persons case I’ve been cursed with.”

“Oh yeah? Who?”

“Why, your dear friend or whatever bullshit you said at the time. Asmodai? Isaiah? You know, the guy SOMEBODY in this cursed plane of existence beat all to hell and put in the hospital.”

“Wait, wait, wait. How did he go missing? He couldn't stand, let alone walk? How did you lose him?”

“Yeah! That’s the crazy part, he just. Fucking. Vanished. Shattered kneecaps, pelvis, and all. Gone. Between you and me, that’s on the hospital. We weren’t watching him anymore at that point, but now it IS my problem to, you know. Figure out what the fuck happened and make sure there’s not a homicide investigation that should be happening here.”

Faoust shakes his head in disbelief as he tries to come up with a plan. “I could give you his motel room and location if you want? I mean, I haven't heard from him since I went to go see him?”

“Sure, sure. And it’s not like it’s illegal for him to leave the hospital. If he’s fine, I just need to lay eyes on him. It just seems real fucking suspiciously inconceivable how he’d have managed that in the state he was in, ya know?”

“Yeah, no, for sure. Let me go get some paper.”

Faoust leaves her at the front door and digs around in drawers looking for paper and pen. She stands at the front door, looking inside, pondering Faoust the whole while. He hands her a note with the address of the motel Asmodai had been staying at.

“Let me know if you find anything, yeah?”

Officer Voros takes the paper. “Of course.” She takes a blank card out of her pocket, a generic business card for the police department that doesn’t have her name on it. She writes down a phone number and offers the card to Faoust. “You think of anything else helpful, call or text me. Or if your prettyboy friend Dorien knows anything either.”

“Dorien doesn't know anything. At all. Not a braincell up there. But I'll keep it in mind.” Faoust takes the card and pockets it.

“Thanks. Stay safe citizen.” She heads down the steps and back to her patrol car, looking at the address. She knows the motel.

Officer Voros looks back toward Faoust from her patrol car for a long minute before she pulls out. She doesn’t have any sort of proof necessarily, just a feeling that Faoust was lying quite smoothly out of every side of his head right to her face. She types up a field contact for alias Faoust along with the address before she leaves.

Asmodai’s motel room ends up being a dead end. There’s nothing obviously off about the room, but she gets a weird vibe. Still a suitcase here. Some knives. Nothing much else. She does not discover that the room is under a stolen credit card in another name. She doesn’t look up any other purchases that stolen card might have made to connect it to an abandoned rental car that was impounded on Faoust’s street. She types up her report and deletes “went on a wild fucking goose chase because my corporal is a dickhead” from the report.

Officer Voros swears loudly, because she realizes she didn’t ask Faoust if the mysteriously vanished bastard had. a fucking. cell phone number. She groans. She decides she’ll pretend to have thought of that tomorrow, because she doesn’t want to follow up now.

The weak and cloudy light of morning is scattered further by the cheap, hazy curtains pulled loosely across the window. Isaiah wakes up, still dressed in his stolen clothes where he passed out on top of the covers. There it is—a dull ache in his bones, a twinge in his hips and knees as he pushes himself up to sit. He looks down at his palms, and they are smooth and untroubled, marked by nothing but the simple creases of where his hand folds. He flexes his left hand. The countless scars that had made a tangled nest there in his palm, the countless times he’d cut and called upon blood magic and done only a just-good-enough job of closing the wounds, when he remembered to heal himself at all, they’re all gone.

Isaiah doesn’t even have a knife, he realizes. His...Asmodai’s favored knives were either in the clothes left in the hospital, in the rental car, or in the motel room he has no intention of returning to. But it feels like he should have a knife. He has no money, but money isn’t too necessary when you’re flush with magic and short on moral qualms against stealing.

He heads out for the day to get a knife, zipping up his stolen coat. Something simple. New. He goes to the nearest outdoors store and sees a nice Benchmade folding knife with a black-coated blade and white handle and feels drawn to it. With an effortless bit of magic, the knife disappears from the case and appears in his pocket as he leaves the parking lot.

Isaiah flips the knife open experimentally, admires it, turning his wrist this way and that to see the sides of the blade. He unlocks the blade and closes it again, clipping the knife in his pocket. He doesn’t have a plan for it, but it felt appropriate in his hand.

Isaiah has been somewhat skirting around thinking about this fact, but taking the knife in his hand he has to confront it. He’s not someone who can go work a 9 to 5 job, take a little paycheck home, find someone sweet to love him and love in turn. Whatever he does next isn’t going to be some contented kind of life. That wasn’t the lot he was born to.

What he is good at...all he has ever been good at, is violence.

He walks slowly back to the current motel. He takes the knife out of his pocket, opening and closing it as he goes, thinking to himself. Magic, and violence. Magic and violence. This is all he’s ever known. Even if he wanted to do something else, how could he, at this point? He’s not a good person. And surely nothing he is capable of can be used for good ends. He hasn’t killed anyone in so many days now, and strangest of all, doesn’t feel particularly compelled to. Not averse to it either. But the stirring in his blood that craved to see the icy glint of fear through tears before an untimely death doesn’t move him, for now.

Officer Voros follows up with Faoust the next night, gets a phone number for her missing person, and puts in a request for a ping before taking a nap in her patrol car. She’ll follow up further in daylight hours. Before ending her night shift, Officer Voros tries to call the phone number Faoust provided for the missing person. It’s almost 6am, of course he doesn’t answer. She leaves a voicemail indicating for him to call the communications center so they can speak.

The next day, Officer Voros, as soon as assembly is done, goes to her patrol car and puts herself on a follow up before any calls can be assigned to her. She tries calling the number again. Isaiah looks at his phone. A blocked number. He silences the phone without answering, because who would be calling him? He hasn’t bothered checking his voicemail either, since he didn’t recognize the number that called. He’ll check it eventually. He sits in his motel room, opening and closing his stolen knife.

Officer Voros checks the latitude and longitude of the ping. Another motel. It’s within a mile of what technically counts as her jurisdiction, so technically she CAN go investigate her own damn self, OR she can call her counterparts in the next town over to check for her. She debates which sounds like more work. With an agonized groan that can surely be heard two counties over, Officer Voros puts her patrol car in drive and heads for the motel.

Officer Voros checks with the front desk, but thanks to his use of magic there’s no one checked in by the names of Asmodai or Isaiah James. She pulls up the coordinates on her phone to get as close as possible to the ping, and starts knocking on doors fruitlessly, starting with the ground floor. She has an idea, and dials the number again, and faintly hears a ring from a couple doors down. A little excited in spite of herself, she hustles down to the door and knocks.

Asmodai would’ve checked through the peephole before opening the door, if he opened it at all. Isaiah does not care, and opens the door as he silences his phone again, looking up from the phone at the officer.

“There you are, you mysterious bastard! Alive and unmurdered, and my hatred of paperwork thanks you for that.”

Isaiah feels a slight needle of panic, if only because he has done a lot of things that would not put him on the good side of the police. His eye darts briefly to her neck and back to meet her eyes.

“Here I am. Alive. Unmurdered, as you say.”

Officer Voros looks him up and down, frowning. This is definitely the same guy, that’s not a common scar after all, but he’s clearly not just unmurdered, but very significantly undamaged. “Didn’t you have a hell of a lot of shattered bones?”

Isaiah shrugs. “Modern medicine is a miracle.”

Officer Voros just blinks at him. She doesn’t believe him for a moment. “And I don’t suppose you might be able to tell me how you managed to make your way so secretly out of the hospital that they felt compelled to report you as a missing person?”

“Sorry, no. Not sure what the miscommunication was there. Quite obviously, I left the hospital.”

“Quite. Obviously. Of course.”

Isaiah smiles wanly. “Am I in trouble?”

Officer Voros continues looking him over suspiciously. “I suppose not. You left your paperwork from the hospital.” She hands him a stack of paperwork and billing statements. “Somehow.”

Isaiah takes the papers. “Oh, thanks.”

“And the belongings you came in with. Are still at the hospital.”

“Oops.”

“And a bunch of shit I’m guessing belongs to you is all left at another cheap motel.”

“You think?”

“No,” Officer Voros snaps. “I try to avoid thinking whenever I can. But I do think some weird ass shit is involved here with you.”

Isaiah’s hand twitches slightly, and he presses his lips together. “Hm.”

“But shit being weird isn’t my problem. Not my jurisdiction. So I suppose I don’t give a fuck. Glad you’re not murdered. Take care. Call your friends, they’re pretending to be worried about you.” She heads back to her patrol car.

Isaiah slowly lets out a tensely held breath.

Officer Voros sits in the parking lot, wrapping up her report. She tries calling Faoust from her blocked number. He answers, not knowing any better.

“Solid citizen! Faoust right? Your favorite friend-finding officer here. Found your friend.”

“Oh my god! Where was he? Is he ok?”

“He’s better than ok, considering the state I last saw him in. Damn near miraculous recovery. He’s just outside of town, another motel not far off the highway.”

“Oh man, thanks so much for finding him. I'll have to go see him. Are you able to give me the address?”

“That depends, are you going there to murder him?”

“Why the hell would Igo there to murder him?”

“Aaaa I’m just fucking with you. I’ve got a nice neat solved missing persons case here and if you went and murdered him it would just be an assfuck of paperwork that I don’t want to have to deal with is all.”

“Fucked up joke, officer.”

“Yeah, file a complaint on me if you’d like. Oh, right, address,” she says, and gives him the address and room of the Quality Inn where Isaiah is staying.

“Thank you. Despite the fucked up joke, I'm glad you found him.”

“Just doing my sworn duty and all that. Stay safe citizen,” she says and hangs up.

Without fully realizing it, Officer Voros has solved the first missing persons case in the department in nearly a year.

Officer Voros always keeps a spare portable radio among her belongings. She managed to get it more or less off the record, so that when she inevitably loses track of her actual radio again, she can make do with the backup until the original eventually resurfaces, and not get all manner of shit from her corporal for losing her radio AGAIN. She doesn’t think hard on the fact that her radio is once again MIA. It will turn up in time.

In his motel room, Isaiah switches the radio on, and fiddles between channels.

Isaiah lays on the bed, one hand manipulating the knife—open, closed, open, closed, each motion with a satisfying little sound—the other hand resting on the radio on his chest, occasionally following the chatter of traffic to a side channel. An officer keys up, her voice annoyed and muttering over sounds of entitlement in the background—“6676 to 200, switch to 2”—and Isaiah flips the radio to channel 2, partly because he is curious and partly because it sounds like the officer from the other night.

The officer keys up, he’s quite sure it’s her, and a voice that sounds like it expects the world laid compliantly at its feet cuts through the backdrop of everything the officer says

6676: 200 you on?

—this is AMERICA, I have RIGHTS, I demand to speak to your SUPERVISOR, I—

200: go’on whatcha got

—what is your NAME, no WHAT is your NAME—

6676: *you can hear the eye roll in her voice* can you just come over here and deal with this.

There’s a final indignant “do you even KNOW” in the background before the supervisor cuts over the traffic to advise he’s en route. Isaiah’s thumb closes the knife again with a sense of finality. He doesn’t care about the officers, but the woman in the background had the sort of voice you’d love to cut right out of her throat.

Isaiah sits up, goes to put the radio aside but pulls it back in front of him again. He focuses on the radio, whatever traces of grit and grime and little skin cells from the officer still stick to the plasticky radio, and does a tracking spell. He switches the radio off, puts it on the bedside table, and grabs his jacket on the way out the door.

Isaiah returns to his motel room. Hands clean. Knife clean.

He did not appear with an ear-splitting bang, as the witch does. He knows ways to move through shadows and though it isn’t instantaneous, it’s a hell of a lot quieter. Isaiah remained in the shadows, waiting. There, yes, the officer from the other night, and there, that must be 200, the human embodiment of an industrial refrigerator crossed with a boulder, and there. Jabbing her finger, practically frothing at the mouth, hair crisply cut, every line in her body set in the conviction of her own righteousness and that she should get what she wants. Isaiah didn’t even try to listen to what she was saying. It didn’t matter. He waited.

When the officers left, the woman turned to her minivan to get in. Or, that was what she intended to do. But she found as she walked, it was like her body was being pushed and pulled, and the sound had left her voice, and she walked into the shadows across the parking lot.

Without saying a word, Isaiah came up quickly behind her and slit her throat, and before a drop could hit the concrete sent her body and all its rapidly spilling blood deep, deep into the earth below.

Magic cleaned the knife. Magic cleaned his hands. He slipped back into the shadows and hurried to get the hell back out of Faoust’s town.

Isaiah returned to his motel room, everything clean. Feeling a certain ...satisfaction? Correctness? A bit of lost unease dissolved away within him.

Of course, Isaiah reflects on how different this murder was. He flicks the knife, open and closed. When he thinks of himself as he was, he has gotten in the habit of thinking of himself as an entirely separate person now. Asmodai was. Asmodai would have. So on. Asmodai would have taken far more enjoyment from the killing. Asmodai would have tasted the blood on the knife. Asmodai would have savored the delicious fear in her eyes, for as long as possible. Asmodai would have had the possibility of someone to share the experience with, though he resented so much about that fact. Asmodai was an idiot.

Isaiah switches the radio back on, quietly, to have something to listen to, since that’s all he has.

When Officer Voros was handling the latest missing person case early this morning, part of her was perversely satisfied—maybe that bitch descended back to hell where she belonged—and that other part of her, the part made of intuitions that guessed too correctly, that had long ago tried to bring up things that had since gone ignored, the part that she did her best to keep buried, that part felt a sharp jolt of unease. She was, officially, the last person to have seen the missing person. There was a security camera on the other side of the parking lot, and the footage made no sense. The victim—victim? Why was she already thinking victim?—missing bitch, then, started walking to her car, and then turned, and walked off to the far side of the parking lot, into grainy shadow. It didn’t look like someone had called out to her, she just...decided to go on some random bitch walk. In the dark of early morning hours, Officer Voros walked around the spot she went off to, clicking on her flashlight, looking for clues. Nothing.

It seemed appropriate for Isaiah to return to murder on his own...it’s all he knows. He’s not suddenly a good person. He’s not full of remorse for everything he did. It’s all just facts. Things that happened that can’t be changed.

He listens to the radio again today, and thinks with a sort of mirthless chuckle how hypocritical it would be for him to kill some of the people he’s hearing about. “If I were cutting throats for that, have to start with myself,” he thinks, over and over and over. Asmodai craved victims, sought them out. Isaiah is content to see what serendipity will bring.

Isaiah struck out into town yesterday to find a charger for his stolen radio. Listening gives him something to do besides think. He could have just gotten a commercial police scanner, or used an app on his phone to listen in, but that didn’t have the same appeal. He listens carefully, mentally keeping track of the addresses and where the officers are, when it’s announced anyway. The officer from the other night he can find easily enough, but without addresses and nothing to trace them with, magically speaking, finding any of these other officers would be incredibly difficult. Well, to do in a timely fashion anyway.

So he listens, and waits, hoping to feel that same jolt of dead certainty, knowing a voice spoke that would be his to kill.

Isaiah knows. An officer keys up “put me out with an animal problem at” and gives an address, and just before the radio cuts out he hears a man in the background, derisive, say “I don’t understand, it’s just a stupid—“ before being cut off by the end of the transmission. That voice. He felt it, like a nail being slashed at high speed across a chalkboard, a string plucked so hard it snaps, THAT is a man he needs to kill. He is equal parts thrilled and yet feels the calm certainty slipping over him. His knife is ready. He knows where to go. He slips out into the cold rain.

Sliding through shadows. Waiting. The man goes inside, alone. Isaiah slips inside, without a word, the only sound made is his knife blade locking into place. The man finds his voice is gone. The man walks toward Isaiah, against his own will, and kneels before him, fear shining in his eyes. Isaiah looks down, cold, comes around from behind, threads his fingers in the man’s hair and pulls back, hard, exposing his neck. He draws the blade firm and fast across the neck, and like the woman before Isaiah sends the body hundreds of feet into the ground below before a drop of blood can hit the floor.

He looks at the blood on the knife, for a moment, imagines the taste on his tongue like a mouth full of pennies. It doesn’t appeal to him, not right now. Magic cleans the blade, cleans the bit of blood on his hands, cleans the scene of any trace evidence, and Isaiah slips away.

- NEXT SNIPPET -

[such-goodluck]

This is somewhat self-indulgent and it doesn’t actually have a plot, it is more like... Glimpses of Remus’ mind before and after the full moon? It was inspired by this gorgeous picture. It’s short, so I decided to post the whole thing here on tumblr, but if you want to read it on AO3, you can just click here.

Somewhere, Nowhere

Pairing: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin (Hinted)

Words: 1078

Summary:

In the outskirts of the country, someplace of unknown location, there is an abandoned cabin where they choose to spend the first moon after Hogwarts.

In the outskirts of the country, someplace of unknown location, there is an abandoned cabin. Small, made of wood. One window at the front, another at the back. The front door is crooked, hanging from its hinges. Surrounding the cabin there is nothing but shrubland. There's also an old road; it has no beginning point, nor does it have a destination. It's a place that has clearly been uninhabited for decades.

"Are you sure?"

Sirius huffs.

"What do you take us for? Amateurs?"

"We checked Moony, don't worry. There's no one around." James says in that placatory tone he has acquired over the last year. It makes Remus wonder where are they going - or rather, were life and war are forcing them to go. Everything feels so sober now. Their childhood days are indeed behind them, never mind that they still are children.

Remus still awaits for the memo that will let him know when to grow up.

"It's a nice place" Peter comments, and even Remus has to agree with that. They picked a very fine location, indeed. Well, Sirius did, because who else would've worried about things like that for someone, for Remus, if not Sirius?

A beautiful spot for the beast to arise.

The place has a wild aura that makes it entrancing. The fading sun exudes that white-orange glow that only comes when it's about to set, makes you believe that you can look at it without burning your eyes. There seem to be a lot of things these days that gives Remus this same feeling.

"We should get in."

Inside, there is dust, a mattress and a thick blanket.

"Did you buy these?" Remus points to the mattress and blanket.

Sirius shrugs.

"It's not like I can't afford it."

Remus can't. Afford it, that is. He should probably feel humiliated that, in addition to everything his friends already do for him, he can't even buy his own sodding mattress and his own bloody blanket without relying on them. But he doesn't. He only feels a warm sensation blossoming inside of himself.

"Thank you." He tells Sirius with meaning. Sirius dismisses him, but Remus notices the small change in him when the corners of his lips turn up.

***

Remus wakes up with the taste of blood in his mouth. His heart jumps in his chest at the recognition, but his mind hasn't caught up yet.

These moments of barely being awake, the reminiscences of the wolf's mind still within reach, are some of the most strange ones for Remus. It's some sort of limbo where he can't yet keep total grasp of reality, but there's this constant nag at the back of his mind that demands for him to do it, to take note of the world surrounding him. He can taste, but can't open his eyes. He can smell, but can't pinpoint what. He can feel his skin, but can't move his arms. So he waits until his body remembers that he is himself again.

Slowly, his mind and body begin to get back in syntony with one another. He moves his toes, his fingers. He is not ready yet to open his eyes, so he focuses on other things. Distantly, he can hear the sound of birds chirping. The rustling of his feet on the mattress. He can smell dirt, and it makes his nose itch. He smells fur, but that is not unusual, having three furry friends and having spent the night covered in fur himself. He works his throat around a swallow, dry and raw as it usually is the morning after. He feels again the taste in his tongue that his mind had recognized as blood. His eyes shoot open.

"Here." He hears Sirius says, finds him moving towards him with a travelling mug. Sirius brings it to his lips, allows him to drink as much water as he wants and needs.

He tries to speak, but his voice yet is too heavy, too difficult to let out. He clears his throat, tries again.

"Where are the others?"

"They had to get back home, they have work in a few minutes."

Right. They should all be grown-ups now.

"What about you?"

"Told Prongs to come up with something for me, tell them I'm sick or whatever. I'll deal with it later."

Sirius hadn't got the memo about being an adult either. But then again, that is Sirius Black for you.

"Wipe that look off your face, Moony. As if I'd leave you here to sort yourself out alone."

No, that is Sirius Black for you, Remus. He doesn't know why, but even after all these years, after everything that happened, he still has a hard time accepting that people can do things for him not out of a sense of obligation, not because they don't care about their other responsibilities, but simply because they prioritize Remus. Sirius doesn't let him forget for long, though. He hopes the boy doesn't notice him blushing.

"I'm tasting blood."

Sirius features soften a bit.

"We're all ok, not a scratch. Not even you. Can't say the same for the rabbit you took fancy to last night, though."

Remus breaths relieved.

"Feeling up for apparating yet? Or do you wanna hang around more?"

"No, I think I'm good to go."

"You sure?" And Sirius pins him with his intense gaze that is so difficult to hide from, annalizing Remus as if he was a sculpture, looking for cracks, looking for any indication that he might be lying.

He isn't, and Sirius seems to think as much, for he nods and helps Remus to get up. As always, Remus tries not to focus on the fact that he is naked, bared and vulnerable for the person who (unknowingly) owns his heart. As always, Remus fails.

Still supporting him, Sirius summons Remus' robes and give them to him, helps him get dressed. As Remus finishes, Sirius takes the blanket - doesn't fold it, only gathers it in a messy bunch - and shrinks it along with the mattress. He puts both on the pockets of Remus' robes, which are larger than the pockets of his jeans. With much care, he takes them both outside, breaks the protection spells and apparates them to his house.

The cabin remains, seemingly untouched. They won't get back to it, they have a whole world of possibilities to explore at each moon. That is, for as long as The War allows them to.

[2getherweek]

2GETHERWEEK MASTERPOST✨

Once again, a very big thank you to all of you who participated in this week and made it amazing with your incredible creations! And of course, a big thank you to those who supported the artists, because you are equally important❤️ In this post you can find links to all things created for this event! If any of your works is missing from this list or you want us to change something, please let us know.

Everyone, I present you, 2getherweek’s masterpost!🌈

Day 1: flowers | festival | song inspired

FANFIC

For love is just in Tine by @eternal-fandom-life

[festival, sarawatine] Tine is confused, Sarawat is pining and everyone else just wants to go home.

Intro: Flowering by @flamevbirdv

[flowers, sarawatine] A bodyguard au. In which Sarawat’s a very famous singer and Tine’s a glorified babysitter. Oh, and they are in love.

i love you by @svt-district

[flowers, sarawatine] Tine has a hard time saying those three little words, so he turns to flowers.

365 flowers by @zeskiyo

[flowers, sarawatine] Tine has never received flowers in his life. Ever. But when he starts getting them daily, for months, will his plan to find out his secret admirer's identity work out?

kiss me to let the whole world see (that there’s nobody else for me) by @cu-tine

[festival, flowers and song inspired, sarawatine] Sarawat knows that Tine’s been working himself down to the bone. Well, good thing that there’s a festival nearby.

He pulls away, looking at Tine in fondness and affection, pressing his forehead against his. “Tine. Please?” His tone was desperate, but it was also laced with concern and anxiety. “Just this once?”

A beat passed and Sarawat was about to ask again before Tine tightens his grip around him, cuddling closer to his chest. “... okay.”

you by @sara-wat

[festival and date, earnpear] Basically, Earn and Pear being cute and going to a festival together.

it’s you by @brghtwn

[song inspired, sarawatine] One look at him and Sarawat knows. This? This is more.

FANART

fanart by @aerialbolditalic

[flowers, sarawatine] Tine, the sunflower child and Sarawat, the boy on fire.

fanart by @nerd-squash

[flowers and lost, sarawatine] Wat & Tine on a meadow picnic date.

fanart by @zattez

[song inspired, sarawatine] What if Tine photo bombed Wat’s pic in the Scrubb concert before he bumped into Wat later with his over excitement?

And the photo had been Wat’s lock screen until one year later before finally meeting Tine for real.

fanart by @hourtohournotetonote118 [flowers, sarawatine]

GIFSET 

gifset by @pining-sarawat

[festival, milphukong] AU in which phukong falls in love with the lead singer of the rhytm. when he brings him food, mil recognizes him and asks him out.

gifset by @teepakorns [song inspired, sarawatine]

gifset by @kuwentista

[song inspired, sarawatine] Sarawat & Tine: Memo by Years & Years.

gifset by @ficklefackle

[song inspired, sarawatine] Sarawatine’s love story + scrubb songs as the soundtrack.

gif by @lovetine [flowers, earnpear]

2gether girls as flowers by @torfight

gifset by @sara-wat

[song inspired, sarawatine] Sarawat and sweet tooth by cavetown.

gifset by @brghtwn

[song inspired, sarawatine] One look at him and Sarawat knows. This? This is more.

gifset by @saifahzonn

[song inspired, sarawatine] …and if you listen to a Scrubb song when you are in love…

EDIT

2Gether in Flowers by @kuraioshiro

Day 2: stars | love letter | lost

FANFIC

here i am lifting up my heart (to the one who holds the stars) by @cu-tine

[stars, love letter and lost, sarawatine]

5 things Tine loves, 5 wishes Sarawat wants to come true, and 1 time they both said what they truly feel out loud.

Tine wants to know, wants to know so bad why Sarawat never hesitates when it comes to him. He wants to know why he’s choosing to be with Tine even when he can do literally anything else with all his talents.

Why? Why?

Sarawat looks back at him, the stars reflecting in his beautiful irises, taking Tine’s breath away at the sight of them. He smiles, a soft and small one, lifting his hand to put it on Tine’s cheek, a wave of electricity erupting throughout his skin from the touch. “Because I love you.”

Lost by @samcedeswannabe [lost, sarawatine]

do better by @blueskycafe

[lost, milphukong] "The day it all comes to a head, it’s closer to night than day and it’s supposed to rain soon."

FANART

Four times Tine lost in Wat’s eyes by @zattez

GIFSET 

gifset by @pining-sarawat [stars, earnpear]

gifset by @lovetine

[lost, fongchat] In this world, it is too common for people to search for someone to lose themselves in. but i am already lost, i will look for someone to find myself in. In which chat and fong have been in love with their respective best friends for so long, but are willing to let them go just so they can see them be happy. in their lost souls, they find each other by chance.

2Gether & Lost by @kuraioshiro

gifset by @kuwentista [love letter, sarawatine]

gifset by @transking [lost, sarawatine]

gifset by @torfight [stars, mantype]

gifset by @saifahzonn [stars, sarawatine]

gifset by @holden-caulfieldlings [stars, sarawatine]

PLAYLIST

🎶 let this playlist guide you home🎶 by @pastel-butnotreally-angel

love letter by @sara-wat

Day 3: soulmates | rain | coffee shop

FANFIC

Trivia: Your name by @flamevbirdv

[soulmates, sarawatine] Sarawat and Tine are soulmates, or at least, Tine is Sarawat’s.

the chaser by @torfight

[soulmates, mantype]

Man loves his soulmate mark. It’s in the neatest handwriting he has ever seen, so tidy and precise that it looks like it’s been typed out. His owner must be a reliable responsible person, which is exactly what Man thinks he needs in his life, because he’s the opposite.

Type doesn’t like his soulmate mark. It’s messy and it looks weird scribbled on his right hip. Worst of all, it’s so generic. No, krub? He has already heard it thousands of times in his life, and he’ll probably have to hear it as many times before he actually finds the one.

my eyes will always return to you by @sara-wat

[coffee shop, sarawatine]

Tine and Sarawat like studying at the same coffee shop. They keep pinning after each other, but then one day there is only one table (ohmygod there was only one table).

The Bond by @samcedeswannabe

[soulmates, sarawatine]

Soul mate AU where soul mates can hear whatever music your soul mate listens to and you’re forced to sing whatever song your soul mate is singing.

in a hundred lifetimes and any version of reality (i’d find you and i’d choose you)  by @cu-tine

[soulmates, sarawatine]

Sarawat and Tine are soulmates. They love each other in every reality they live on. They’re meant to be with one another.

But why is it so hard for them to be together?

mango smoothie by @blueskycafe

[coffee shop, earnpear] Pear doesn’t drink coffee.

FANART

fanart by @zattez

[rain, sarawatine] Ghibli redraw.

coffee shop date by @nerd-squash

fanart by @yansqing

[soulmates, sarawatine]

GIFSET

gifset by @holden-caulfieldlings [rain, sarawatine]

Sarawat & music by @kuwentista

[soulmates] “You don’t need to understand music. You just need to feel it.”

gifset by @brightwin [soulmates, sarawatine]

gifset by @ramcatcher [soulmates, sarawatine]

gifset by @holden-caulfieldlings

[soulmates, sarawatine] Two people connected by the red thread of fate are soulmates.

gifset by @transking

[soulmates, manboss]

“Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins?” ― Nancy Garden, Annie on My Mind

Americano and Blue Hawaii by @saifahzonn

gifset by @svt-district

[coffee shop, mantype] Aren’t you gonna ask how I know that you’re here?

There’s only one coffee shop near my workplace, it’s not hard to find for someone so nosy.

EDIT

moodboard by @watttine

[rain/coffee shop, sarawatine]

Sarawat is a barista at a coffee shop near his University. On a particularly dull day, a boy rushes through the door of the coffee shop, seeking shelter from the rain. With his sweet smiles and bright eyes, he warms Sarawat’s heart.

Day 4: hands | family | apologies

FANFIC

i finally found where i feel i belong (and i know you’ll be there with wide open arms) by @cu-tine

[hands, sarawatine] Tine never did liked his hands, or understood the concept of family, but thank god he has his friends to help him with that.

“Why are you always so stubborn?!” Sarawat screams back, a threatening scowl on his face. “Listen to me, for once!”

“I always do!” Tine snaps, crossing his arms over his chest. “But you never listen to me! Can you please, for once, just stop being your oblivious self and accept what I’m saying?!”

words unsaid haunt our minds by @sara-wat

[apologies, milphukong] It was about time Mil apologized to Phukong for a couple of things.

speak out or get out by @blueskycafe

[apologies, dimgreen] Dim has never been the greatest at communicating.

gone fishing by @blueskycafe

[family, earnpear] Earn is gay. She’s sure now, more than she has ever been, and the proof comes in the form of a beautiful girl named Pear.

GIFSET

gifset by @torfight [family]

Sarawat & Tine + Guitars by @kuwentista [hands]

gifset by @holden-caulfieldlings [apologies, sarawatine]

Day 5: beach | sleepy cuddles | date

FANFIC

White as Milk by @samcedeswannabe

[beach/date, mantype] Humans start out at birth with milk white blood. The more crimes they commit. The darker their blood becomes.

Trivia: Fantasy by @flamevbirdv

[date, sarawatine] A fake married AU. Sarawat and Tine act as a couple in national television.

routine by @torfight [sleepy cuddles, mantype]

running start by @blueskycafe

[beach, Phukong & Fong] Fong is looking forward to getting out of the city.

FANART

fanart by @sara-wat [sleepy cuddles, sarawatine]

GIFSET

gifset by @kuwentista

[sleepy cuddles, sarawatine] “don’t be afraid you will fall because i’m going to hug you like this all night.”

EDIT

moodboard by @watttine [beach/date, earnpear]

Day 6: tattoo | fairytale | promise

FANFIC

Dressing up by @blueskycafe

[promise, manboss] “You can still come,” Man reminds him. “All it takes is a text to Mom and she’ll set another place.”

true love’s kiss by @salaleo

[fairytale, sarawatine] It’s laughable, really, how Tine’s life had inexplicably evolved into a Disney movie after meeting Sarawat. What next? Maybe he’ll make conversation with that bird perched on the windowsill.

Alternatively: Tine reconciles his (and Sarawat’s) romantic endeavours with reality by making fairy tale references, because at this point, he’s not so sure he’s not the reincarnation of fucking Cinderella anymore.

GIFSET

gifset by @kuwentista [tattoo, bright]

gifset by @saifahzonn

[fairytale, sarawatine] ...as the same way he found his princess, the other one find his love and happiness in a little nuisance.

Day 7: “you don’t really mean that” | “ why didn’t you tell me?” | “ you love me as if I deserve you”

FANFIC

just say that you’ll always be there (and so will i) by @cu-tine

["You don't really mean that" / "Why didn't you tell me?" / "You love me as if I deserve you", sarawatine]

5 times their friends snooped in on Sarawat and Tine, and 1 time they finally left them alone.

“Seriously, Wat?! I am so disappointed in you!” He hears Tine’s voice exclaim. Man stiffens, not used to the harsh edge of Tine’s tone. When the words sunk into his brain, he immediately turned his head to where the voice came from, ready to defend Sarawat for whatever Tine is angry at him for.

The remark dies on his tongue when he sees the scene in front of him; Tine was kneeling on the grass, still in his cheerleader getup, a first aid kit right beside him. Sarawat was sitting on a bench in front of him, otherwise looking exhausted and beat but also... smiling. Not quite evident, but it was still a pretty small upturn of his lips that was directed at Tine.

all-nighters by @blueskycafe

["Why didn't you tell me?", phukong/fong]

Fong is rubbing tiredly at his eyes, his white, over-sized sweater and hair rumpled from sleeping. He looks incredibly fragile, like he should be tucked beneath heavy blankets and have his forehead kissed. (Not that Phukong would do that, because that would be weird and friends don’t usually do that.)

GIFSET

gifset by @kuwentista

[“You don’t really mean that”, sarawatine] “Do you want to try? Try to get to know each other? You don’t have to like me very much. Just keep your heart open for me. I really mean it.”

Day 8: free choice

FANFIC

come on and dance with me baby by @cu-tine   

Sarawat really didn’t want to go to this party, but he’s so glad he did.

Sarawat furrows his brows when something more... pleasant, fills his nose. Vanilla, he thought idly, the scent calming his tense nerves, not that overpowering but just right to make Sarawat’s head go dizzy from it. The guy smells like vanilla.

The guy immediately steps away from him, and oh gosh everything felt like a movie from the way the guy’s head turned to look at him, in slow motion, his hair flying to the side along with his head. Sarawat feels all breath leave his lungs when he was met with the most gorgeous boy ever.

FANART

animated video (with a tik tok audio) by @nerd-squash

fanart by @so-na-gi [sarawatine]

GIFSET

gifset by @kuwentista

My Boy Sarawat Going Through Various Emotions AKA He’s Done With Everyone and Everything.

gifset/playlist by @holden-caulfieldlings [sarawatine]

[lyrazehedgieboiii]

ZonZamy~~

DISCLAIMER: FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT ZONZAMY IS, I WILL EXPLAIN. So, this is like another dimension, in a place called No Zone. Everyone’s names start with the letter ‘Z.’ So, the Sonic in No Zone is named Zonic, and Amy is Zamy. SO, it’s sonamy, but in another dimension. This is an AU.

Ages:

Zonic/all the males: 21

Zamy/ and basically all the females: 18

It was a normal day in No Zone, and there were zone cops running around Headquarters, getting to their missions. A zonecop in particular was just roaming around the place.

    “Hey, Zonic!” Zails, the scientist/mechanic of Zone Cop Headquarters yelled at the zone cop. “Ms. Zamy is asking for you, Zector, and Zespio.” Zonic nodded.

    “Thanks, Zails.” And with that, he zoomed off to Zamy’s office. Zector and Zespio were already inside.

     “Where were you?” Zector whispered to Zonic. He just shrugged. The chair behind the desk of where they were standing at spinned around. It revealed an 18 year old pink hedgehog with a white office blouse, and a black pencil skirt with a slit on her left leg’s side. She had her hair in a bun, a few strands of curly quills messily placed in with a bobby pin. It was, Zamy Rose.

     “Oh! Zonic, finally. Now that all three of you are here, I would like to address two things. Number one,” Amy stood up, and leaned against her desk. “You failed to catch Zcourge. Again.” She had a disapproving face as Zector whistled, nodding his head to the side, gesturing that it was Zonic’s fault they got away. Zamy looked towards Sonic. He sighed.

      “That son of a b-” He looked at Zamy to find that she was not amused with what he was about to say. “...I mean, Zcourge, was insulting you, and I got outta control and started beating him up-

     “-and started destroying anything within a one mile radius.” Zector interrupted. Amy just glared at Zonic.

      “Thank you for defending my name, Zonic.” She went back to her office chair and sat. That’s when Zonic noticed that her quills were a little out of place, and her office blouse was pulled down a little. “Anyways, I have Zhadow and Zilver working on that. “Number two, Zails has found some new leads on a mission that we’re debating on. We don’t know whether to abandon the case, or continue. We don’t even know what it would result to finding out! It’s stressing me out!” Zamy was their friend, but also their boss. No wonder her blouse looked out of place.

     “Don’t worry, Ms. Zamy. We’ll go to Zails to ask for the leads, and we’ll try to figure something out.” Zespio spoke up. Zamy nodded. Zector and Zespio left, while Zonic stayed in place.

      “Well?” Zamy asked, not taking her eyes off the paperwork she was skimming through.

      “Aren’t you going to lecture me about letting my anger get the best of me?!” Zonic snapped at her. She seemed unfazed by his actions.

      “Actually, I’m in a good mood, and I want the people around me to feel happy too. But, I like scolding you when I’m happy too. It’s usually a source of my happiness.” Zonic looked annoyed, but decided not to think too much of it. 

     “C’mon, babe.” He sat on the desk, and leaned his face towards her. She nudged her face away, a small smirk visible. He pulled at the bow of her blouse, causing her to lean forward.

    “W-What are you doing?!”  Zamy asked, feeling a little spooked at his actions. He slammed his lips against hers, and continued in a compassionate, little bit of tongue kiss. He licks his lips, and pulled back.

    “Mind telling me why you’re wearing a pencil skirt with a slit?” He took a breath, trying not to let his inner-feelings do something unexpected right on the spot. “And a blouse that shows cleavage?” He asked, dragging his finger along her cheek.

   “I’m having a sleepover with the girls.” Zonic held a laugh in. 

   “A sleepover? What are you? Eleven?” Zonic burst out, falling to his back and started laughing hysterically. Zamy just kicked his foot. Once he was relaxed, he went over and hugged her from behind, taking in the rosy scent of her quills. “Baby, I’m sorry!” He kissed her neck. “Why are you so excited though?”

   “I’ve been so stressed these past few weeks, that I’m starting to not care about my hygiene, and never really pay attention to how I look.” She turned her head to Zonic. He lowered his eyes, and put his nose on her cheek. “I’m not wearing make-up. Sorry.” He pulled away.

   “Zames, don’t apologize about not wearing make-up. You’re beautiful either way. Second of all, why hang out with them to relieve the stress? You could always ask me~” Zamy rolled her eyes at his playful behavior. They were secretly dating, with only Zails and Zream knowing.

    “By the way, the sleepover’s happening in Zouge and Zhadow’s room.” Zonic made a face. Zhadow gets to be a part of the sleepover. That’s not fair. As if Zamy knew what he was thinking, she cleared his misunderstanding. “Znuckles won’t be in the sleepover. Zhadow will be hanging out with you!” Zonic grimaced. He didn’t enjoy hanging out with Zhadow. Zamy kissed his cheek and pushed him out of her office. 

- time skip because I can hehehehe~~~

Zonic was with Zhadow, Zails, and Znuckles as they tried to find out how to crash that sleepover. Zilver was there too, but was raiding through Znuckles’s fridge. 

      “Why don’t we just dress up like Pizza Delivery guys?” Zilver asked, as he brought some soda back to where the boys where. Zonic snapped his fingers.

      “YES! I mean, it’s not full of pizzaz, but that’ll work!” They all snuck into Zyra’s (lol my oc in no zone dimension) room and looked around. She had some pizza delivery outfits. They took an old pizza box from Znuckles’s fridge, and ran to the other side of the dorms, where Zouge and the girls were. Zonic was forced to wear the delivery uniform as it would only fit him. He rang the doorbell, getting ready to switch to Znuckles in case Zouge opened the door. To his luck, Zamy opened the door.

In. A. Nightgown. 

Zonic’s seen her in nightgowns before, seeing as they both share a dorm. (Zamy managed to switch with Zhadow because of their arguments.) This one just seemed. . .

Different.

Not a bad kind of different. Zonic liked what she was wearing but tried not to focus on that. She leaned against the door, obviously recognizing Zonic. 

    “Yes?” She asked, amused at his antics. 

    “Pizza delivery for some young ladies?” He bowed, as he showed the pizza box. Amy smirked. 

    “Code pizza, girls!” This confused him heavily. What did she mean, code pizza? She turned back to her secret lover. “Lower your men.” Now this made Zonic even more puzzled. What did she mean by lower? She pointed up towards the ceiling. Zails was in the vents, while the others were kept up against the ceiling by Zilver. Zonic mentally face-palmed at their stupidity. 

     “Oh...Still...pizza?” He asked her, as if hoping she would get the memo to open the door all the way for him. She knew their plan, and she wasn’t going to let them have their way. 

     “Mmm...No thanks, we’re fine with pizza.” She smiled at him, and started to close the door. Before the door shut all the way, he stopped the door with his foot. 

     “I hope you know...I don’t go until I’m paid.” He said in a flirtatious voice that got Zails and Znuckles suspicious.

     “And I hope you know that I don’t want anything to do with that cheesy stuff.” Zamy’s words had a double meaning. 

     “OH C’MON, ZAMY, LET ME IN!” Zonic yelled in anger. This was not the plan. She was supposed to let them in so they could have fun with them. It wouldn’t be fun looking through their window, because they’d just be doing something boring, like putting make-up on, or gossiping.

     “Wow. You already resorted to begging? Hm. I thought you could do better than that. Oh well,” She opened the door all the way, as Zilver dropped the the boys without mercy, and Zails climbed out of the vents. She let them in, and the boys sat down next to their respected girls. Zonic sat a little closer to Zamy, giving her a pillow to cover herself. Did I mention that even though this is another universe, Zonic is still overprotective of Zamy.

      “Let’s play Truth or Dare! I’ll go first. Who’ll I choose?” Zouge asked. Everyone raised their hands except for Zonic and Zhadow. Zouge smirked and picked Zonic. Zamy and him were internally screaming at what she might do. “Zonic, I dare you to go into the closet for seven minutes with Zamy.” Zamy looked away. Zonic sighed in submission. Zamy followed. Zouge put a timer for seven minutes and stood outside the closet, with Zyra and her tripod.

     “So...what should we do now?” Zonic asked, loud enough for the people outside to hear them. 

     “I don’t know, but what I do know is that you’re going to keep your lustful self on that side of the closet, and me on my side.” Zamy said, making noise in her corner, pretending that they’re moving. Zonic grabbed Zamy and locked his lips with hers. They tried to be as quiet as they could, not raising suspicion. He pinched her butt, however, Zamy kicked him in the crotch. Knowing that Zouge may have heard that, she goes “Zonic! Are you alright? Did you hit your head against the shelf?” She said loudly, making sure that Zouge didn’t suspect anything.

     “Ow...I’m fine, Zamy...” He rubbed his head. “How much time is left on the timer?” Zamy looked at her phone.

      “Two minutes left.” They sat there, cuddling to their hearts’ content, until the door opened and Zamy was pushed to the other side of the closet. She glared at her boyfriend, who only nervously chuckled. He was gonna get his ass whooped later on.

HEY, SO, I know this was TRASH, but then again, I am sonamy trash, so...

THE NEXT THING I’M GOING TO POST IS GOING TO BE EITHER A FLOOFY ONE SHOT, OR CHAPTER ONE OF ROOMMATES AU.

[hispeculiartreasure]

All We’ve Got is Time - Chapter Fifteen | B.B.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

AU: If They’d Survived/Post-War/Window Washer!Bucky Barnes

Rating: Teen

Word count: 4,300

Chapter 15/24

Warnings: Language, PTSD symptoms, lots of angst, Bucky is sad, allusions to horrible war time, self-loathing, etc.

AN: It’s hard to articulate exactly why this chapter was so hard for me to write. My own mental health played a big part in it, but there was something deeper I was forced to work through when confronted with their heavy conversation. Forever shoutout to my relentless cheerleader @lucyyannabel.  I’m blessed to have @barnesrogersvstheworld in my life, who put a finger on my doubts and worries of this chapter and gently shooed them away. May we all have an Attie in our life who so ardently tells you how valuable and loved you are. And you are, Reader. I promise. Love you.

 Chapter Fourteen

‘All We’ve Got is Time’ Masterlist

“Chevrolet Corporate, Anderson’s desk, how may I help you?” you rattle off into your desk phone’s handset, distracted by the rough draft of a memo your boss had tossed on your desk with little instruction.

“Hey, baby.”

The paper falls from your fingertips. “Buc-? Hi, wh- are you okay?”

You hear a sigh and then, “Sorry to call you at work, I know it could get you in trouble. Wanted to catch you early.”

It doesn’t escape your notice that he hadn’t answered your question. “What can I do for you today, sir?” You phrase the question again, warily eyeing Flannery across the office.

“‘M gonna have to bow out of dinner tonight. I know it’s my second time this week, I’m just absolutely beat, think I may be getting sick. I’m leaving work right now. Wouldn’t be much fun company.”

“Oh,” you deflate in your chair. “We’re sorry to hear that, sir. Is there anything we could do to accommodate you? Perhaps an alteration to the proposed agenda?”

“I don’t think so. Just wanna be home and go to sleep. I’m sorry, I know we haven’t seen each other this week. I’ll make it up to you.”

You keep your voice professional, shoving down your disappointment. “There’s no need for that, sir. I’ll make note of the change in schedule and be in touch at a later date to confirm with your office.”

“Thanks, sweetheart. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Feel better,” you whisper before setting the receiver down. Something in his tone haunts you the rest of the morning and well into the lunch hour. You don’t hear the break room’s topic of debate as you push your leftovers aimlessly around your pyrex. A bitter taste had settled in your mouth after the unexpected phone call.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Suzy slides into the seat next to you, sounding too casual for your taste.

“Got a lot on my mind.” You chew another mouthful of fruit in contemplation.

“This have to do with your dreamboat?”

“I’m really not in the mood today, Suze.”

“That’s fine. But are you okay?”

Chewing your lip, you turn to her. Her red curls had a little extra bounce but her eyes betrayed her concern for you. “Not really. I can’t put my finger on it, but something’s not right with him. I can’t shake the idea that he’s avoiding me.”

“Did anything specific happen? You guys have a fight?”

“No fighting. . . though he acted strangely after our last date.”

“Strange how?”

The yellow and orange leaves beneath your feet had a distinct crunch to them synonymous with the time of year. It had been a standard evening out for the two of you: comfort food from the diner, a shared piece of pie, and a stroll along the streets. Now that the temperature had been dropping slowly, you could nestle closer to each other.

“‘M just saying, you’ve picked the pie the last few times, I’m past due to choose the flavor.”

“But Bucky, you pick blackberry every time, I’m giving us some variety!” you protested.

“Why would you stray from a pie that never fails you? One that never gives up, that truly strives to be its best for us-”

“Are you eating this pie or marrying it?”

“It’s crossed my mind.”

Your giggles and his chuckles echoed, the street lamps lighting your way home.

“I don’t know why you’re with me then, sounds like pie is your true-”

A loud pop shattered the peace of the night and Bucky went rigid. Before you knew what was happening a shove knocked the breath out of you and you ended up several steps behind your boyfriend. He’d grabbed a pipe out of a nearby trash can, ready to wield it against anyone.

“Buck, it’s okay.” You reached out to grab his shoulder and he immediately jerked away from you, chest heaving. “Hon, it was just a car back-firing.”

His eyes were wide and terrified, grip tight on the pipe.

“We’re okay, Buck. We’re safe, nothing is going to hurt us.”

“Right. Sorry. That . . . was an overreaction.”

“You alright?” you stepped toward him. “I know you-”

He took a surreptitious step backward. “I’m fine, uh. . . yeah, I’m fine. Oh, and your door’s right here.”

“Bucky, you’re not-”

“I’m good, really. I’ll see you in a few days, right? Hope you sleep well.”

Decidedly distracted, he brushed his lips against your forehead and took off down the street, loosening his tie. Watching him leave kicked up a storm of confusion in your mind.

“And I haven’t seen him since,” you conclude, leaning forward to put your head in your hands.

The gentle hand on your back surprises you but you don’t shy away from the comfort. “It’s gonna be okay, babydoll. We all go through stuff, sounds like his stuff is a little heavy right now.”

“Then why isn’t he asking me to help?”

That’s the question still on your mind when you get home from work that night and make a call to Steve and Bucky’s apartment.

“Sorry ma’am, no one’s answering at the residence,” the operator drones in your ear. “Is there another number you’d like me to call?”

“No, thank you.” You stare at the telephone as if it had personally offended you, eyebrows knit closely together, arms crossed.

Somewhere in the space of the last three weeks you had messed up, done something to send Bucky running for the hills. You wrack your brain for an explanation, an event or conversation that was even the slightest bit terse. Coming up empty you sigh and force yourself to continue about your evening.

One day passes with no word from Bucky.

Another day goes by silently.

At the end of the third day you find yourself staring at the phone again, debating your next move. 

A girl was allowed to call her boyfriend, right? Especially after not having seen each other in a while, at least to say hi and catch up on the day - and he said he was sick, surely it was alright, even expected to check on him. You reach for the handset. 

Then again, he’d clearly been sending signals that something wasn’t right, perhaps you should just leave it alone. You snatch your hand back to yourself, drawing it up to pick at your lip nervously. 

But Steve, on the other hand. . .

Shockingly, the line connects.

“Hullo?”

“Steve? It’s me.”

“Hey,” Steve’s voice warms, “you wanna talk to Buck?”

“I actually wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh, okay. What’s going on?”

You twist a finger around the phone cord, digging for the right words. “Is Bucky okay?”

“‘Okay’?” you can practically see his forehead wrinkled in confusion.

“I’m not sure why, but he’s been distant over the last few weeks. I don’t know if it’s me or what, but is he safe? Is he okay?”

“He’s, uh. . .” Steve lowers his voice. “He’s been better. Seems to be having a tough time. I thought you knew that, though.”

“No, I haven’t seen him for two weeks.”

“Really?” Clearly as shocked as you were, his tone turns suspicious. “He’s been avoiding me too. In passing he mentioned that his classes have been giving him some trouble, but I figured he’d seek you out with help on that.”

“Yeah,” you sigh. “Me too.”

“Huh. Thanks for letting me know, lemme see what I can do from my end. I’ll keep you posted.”

“Thank you, Steve. That makes me feel better.”

“Of course. Take care of yourself, okay?”

With a smile you bid him goodbye and hang up, hoping he could make some headway.

-x-

Bucky hears Steve hang up the phone and hopes to God he’s not in for a well-meaning chit-chat.

But of course, a knock comes on Bucky’s cracked-open door, and he can’t really deny Steve entrance. Turning back to the pile of classwork on his desk, Bucky busies himself with a half-finished essay. His friend perches against the dresser, ankles and arms crossed.

Bucky scratches absentmindedly at some stubble on his cheek before grunting, “Whaddya want, Steve?”

“Your girl just called. Said she hasn’t heard from you. She’s worried.”

“Been busy.”

“That’s bullshit.” The pencil in Bucky’s hand snaps in two and he forces himself to let go of the pieces and keep his hands flexed open. “What happened, Buck?”

The aftermath of the nightmare - the first that had plagued him in several months - comes back to Bucky. He’d woken in a cold sweat, hands shaking violently, head pounding. Banging out of his room he’d sprinted for the bathroom faucet, dousing his face in ice cold water to shock his senses back to him. Light sleeper that he was, Steve was there in seconds. Bucky had snapped at him when asked what was wrong, had told him to leave him be. He should’ve known Steve wouldn’t leave it for long.

With effort, Bucky spits out, “The day we took Fischer down.” Any additional detail would have been Bucky’s undoing; he knew Steve could connect the dots.

The blond brings up a hand to cover his mouth, heaving a deep breath. “Yeah, that one’s given me nightmares too.”

“Does it? You don’t show it.”

“We’ve pretended not to hear each others’ nightmares for a long time, pal, no use continuing that charade.”

Silence stretches between them for several minutes. Bucky stewing, Steve waiting.

“Why was it them and not us, Steve?”

Steve knew ‘them’ wasn’t just the girl at the church, wasn’t attached to a singular person or event - ‘them’ stood for every life lost in the war that had stripped the world bare of too many things to count.

“I wish I could tell you.”

Clearing the emotion from his throat, Bucky’s next question surprises Steve. “How do you not let it eat you up?”

Shaking his head, Steve replies, “Some days it does. You know I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, but I try to talk about it. With you, with Peg, sometimes one of the other guys. If you let it stay in your head, it only grows bigger.”

“I don’t know if I can do that right now.”

“That’s okay. And it doesn’t have to be me you talk to if you don’t want. But do me a favor?”

Bucky finally shifts in his chair to look Steve directly in the eye, lifting a brow as if to ask “And what would that favor be?”

“Don’t shut her out. You know you can’t scare her away. Obviously she wants to be part of your life, so let her. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

As messed up as I am, is it fair to her to drag her down with me?

-x-

Bucky was grateful for the quiet apartment - Steve was away on business, his classwork was in a lull, and the day’s work had drained him. All he wanted was to eat and fall into bed. The thought of skipping another meal tempted him as he dreamed of what could possibly be a restful night of sleep.

Soft knocks at the front door startle him away from his bedroom. Slowly, he steps to the door in socked feet. Pressing an eye to the peephole, his heart drops into his stomach and threatens to pound right out of his body. You’re waiting on the other side, fiddling with something in your hands. 

You look nervous.

“Bucky?” How could a voice feel like home but also make him dizzy with anxiety? Letting his forehead rest against the door, he realizes how much he’s missed the sound.

He can feel the second rap of knuckles reverberate through his head. Your voice wraps around him again.

Open the door, Barnes. She’s right there. You need her. 

Shame whispers, “But does she need you as a burden? Does she need this broken man in her life?”

A voice that sounded like Steve urges him to open the door, to let himself be vulnerable. 

The doorknob tenses under his grip.

But he doesn’t move. He can’t.

“I don’t know if you’re even home right now, but uh. . .” he hears you sniffle, prompting his eye to focus again on the peephole. You wipe at your cheek - Bucky convinces himself it couldn’t be because of him. “I got something for ya. You mentioned in one of your letters that writing things down cleared your mind, helped you move past things. And while I don’t really know if you’re going through something or just want to be alone for whatever reason. . . I just hope this helps.”

You stoop down, setting whatever you’d been holding against the door. Straightening, you turn to leave, pause, then face the door again. “I miss you, ya know.”

Hesitant footsteps retreat down the breezeway, your tread easy and familiar in his mind.

Only after counting out a few minutes Bucky cracks the door open. A small packages falls to his feet with a surprisingly solid thud. He nudges the door closed and pulls at the twine, then the brown paper wrapping.

Shaky fingers feel at the strong, yet simple leather cover of a journal. He flips through the unlined pages, mind reeling at your memory of something he couldn’t recall mentioning to you. Forcing air into his lungs he cradles the book as if it were a priceless artifact; maybe for him it was.

Opening to the first page his eyes are immediately drawn to black ink, to your familiar handwriting.

Whether it’s with me or without me, I hope you find peace.

You’d left your initials beneath the note, as if he ever would have questioned whose hand had written the inscription. He lets out a humorless laugh before his knees weaken. Letting himself be taken to the floor, he leans against the door, clutching the journal to his chest.

And on the floor of his empty apartment where he wept the full anguish of his soul, it was a lifeline.

-x-

This was a bad idea. I should go home. This is stupid. 

Bucky’s foot taps against the sidewalk outside of your work building impatiently. He’d been there a few minutes already, knowing your schedule like the back of his hand. A deep urge to finally speak with you had brought him this far, though he was fighting the pull to run back home.

Just as he had convinced himself to turn around, you emerge from the front door and he’s frozen in place.

The notion of home floats through his mind as he watches you, hair only slightly rumpled from your day of work. Poised, graceful as ever, a true striking presence on the sidewalk - earning more turned heads than you would ever be aware of. 

So focused on making sure your hat was perfectly in place, you don’t notice Bucky until he’s right next to you. 

“Hi,” his mind goes blank as he stares into your eyes, wide as dinner plates at his sudden appearance.

“Bucky. . . uh, hi,” you stammer. “Wh-what’re you-”

“Can I walk you home?”

“Y-yeah, absolutely.”

Together, you traverse the deeply familiar path home, though a pace apart. 

“How’s the family?” you ask, reaching for an innocuous subject to fill the dead air.

“Uh, good. I’ve missed the last few Sunday dinners, but I assume everything is fine.”

“Oh.”

“Are you - you doing alright?”

“I’m . . . okay. Been a long few weeks.”

He watches the ground as you walk, the click of your heels on pavement bringing sweeter memories to the forefront of his mind. But then the rhythmic sound stops and he looks up, shocked to see your apartment. You’ve turned to face him and his eyes are drawn to how you’re picking at your cuticles.

“Can we sit?” you motion to the brick steps leading up to your door. He nods and you perch on the stairs, closer to each other than you’d been for weeks. “Bucky. . .” 

“Yeah?”

“I. . .” you turn your eyes back to your fiddling fingers in your lap. “I just need to know if this,” you gesture between you, “is over so I can not think of you as mine anymore. If it is, I can handle it and move on.”

Bucky’s mouth hangs open, at a loss for words. You take that as a cue to continue.

“But if this isn’t over. . . you don’t have to meet my parents next month, if that freaked you out. Or if I came on too strong when you got back from Pennsylvania, I can back off. Just. . .” your eyes finally move to meet his and the uncertainty in them was foreign to him, “tell me what I did wrong so I don’t do it again?”

His mind reels as he sits back to take a long look at you. You were serious. You genuinely thought this was a result of something you’d done - but why would you think any differently?

You don’t know how not seeing you left an aching hole in his chest. You don’t know how often he thought of you, how many times he’d frozen when the operator had asked who he’d wanted to be connected to only to hang up. You don’t know about the wad of cash in his sock drawer for which he had sparkling ambitions. Without knowing that, what other conclusion were you supposed to draw?

“I’m such an ass,” he mutters aloud, much to your furthered confusion. After dragging hands harshly down his face he threads his fingers in yours. “Sweetheart, this hasn’t been about you, not in the slightest.”

“Then what is it about? If it wasn’t something I did, what happened?” Your grip on his hands almost breaks his heart completely - like you were scared he’d bolt if you let go.

Words stick in his throat and he swallows in an attempt to dislodge the lump that had formed there. 

“Buck, it’s me. You can say it.”

“I. . . I don’t even know where I’d start.”

“The beginning?” you gently suggest.

At your urging, he begins haltingly, stumbling over words, hoping he was making some kind of sense. “Uhhh. The night after we spent the day at the garage together. I had a nightmare, a memory of being in Europe. A young woman died - she died because of me. It felt like I was there again. I could feel the cold air and the smell of. . . I relived it that night. The days seemed to get worse after that.”

Details begin to spill from his lips - slowly, then all at once. Things he couldn’t have recalled if asked suddenly were toppling into your lap, unorganized, bloody, and heavy. He recounts the sleepless nights, the images seared in his brain from the battlefront, the components of war rarely shared with civilians that had taken a good portion of his innocence and good conscience.

Pausing, he clears his throat and scratches his chin. “It’s hard to talk about,” he admits in a low voice.

You’ve been silent, but present until this moment. “I know. Thank you for sharing with me.”

“The last few weeks have been a fight between wanting - no, needing - you to bring some light into my life; and living in fear that my darkness may snuff your own light out. I can’t take you down with me, you don’t deserve that.”

“Don’t I get a say in it?”

Tears prick at the corners of his eyes and he withdraws a hand from yours to dash at them. “I hate this,” he sniffles. “I thought I was getting better, that this was behind me. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? For what, being human?”

“For being like this when my life has gotten better. I’ve been home for so long, I should be past this by now.”

Your hands are on his cheeks, tilting his head to look into your eyes again. “Says who? Honey, things like this, it’s not a simple trip from point A to point B. This kind of healing takes time. And a backslide isn’t an indicator of failure.”

“Sure feels like I failed at something.”

“But you haven’t,” you insist firmly. He doesn’t respond and you pull your hands away, hesitantly grasping his again. “Why haven’t you been home to see your family?” you ask after a few moments of reflection.

“The girl I . . . that. . . she reminds me of my sisters. It’s hard to look at them and not see her after. . . it happened. I don’t want to attach that memory to them more than it already is.”

Your chest heaves with a long breath as if you were preparing to dive into deep water. “Your time serving, the things you saw. . . they affected you. You have to admit that.”

“It bothers me, sure, but I didn’t come back wounded. I made it in one piece, I don’t have a reason for being this shaken by it.”

“Just because you’re physically safe doesn’t mean your mind didn’t take on injuries. You’ve been through so much-”

Brusquely, he cuts you off. “My mind is fine. I’m not a coward.”

“Bucky, I know that. Everyone knows that. This isn’t about cowardice or weak minds, or whatever nonsense doctors and generals say it is. To survive what you have, to have made so much progress to get to a place where you’re working and taking care of yourself. . . it’s the strongest thing I’ve ever seen. You’ve chosen a career path. You’re almost done with the training while juggling two jobs, family, and a demanding girlfriend.” Both his lips and yours twitch at your teasing. Then you soften again. “You know I’ve seen this up-close with my uncle. You’re not alone and you’re not crazy.” 

Bucky’s face must have mirrored the doubt he felt inside. 

“You said Steve has episodes too right?” He nods. “Do you think that he has a weak moral character? This man, who you think the world of - do you consider him mentally fragile? No,” you answer for him as he can only shake his head. “Then why would you flip that onto yourself? Why would Steve’s hand-picked second-in-command be considered weak? You wouldn’t because you’re not.”

He couldn’t think of an argument against that - but you took his silence to be dubious.

Your voice is hesitant, unsure. “They do have psychiatric hospitals-”

“I’m not desperate enough for that.” The second the words left his mouth he hears how harsh they sound.

“Do you have to be desperate to ask for help?”

“I shouldn’t need help!” he exclaims suddenly. “Other men came back fine, Dad never went through this. I don’t know how to be this way without feeling like shit about myself. Besides, from the stories I’ve heard, what they do is more similar to torture than treatment.”

You’ve shrunken back, shoulders hunched forward as if to ward off his tone. “Okay. I won’t mention it again. I’m sorry.”

“No,” he huffs in frustration. “I should be the one that’s sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve been to hell and back which would make anyone’s soul weary. Please be kinder to yourself.”

“I don’t deserve your kindness, let alone my own. But for some reason, Sixth Floor, you’re giving it to me in spades. I don’t understand.”

“Caring for someone doesn’t always entail what they deserve - but I assure you, you are absolutely deserving of all the patience and gentleness. You are one of the most noble men I’ve ever known.” If the conviction in your voice hadn’t rung so clear, he’d think you were full of it.

“How can you still say that after how I’ve treated you?” He doesn’t give you the chance to respond. “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to lose you baby, I just, I lo. . . I love you too much. And the thought of having pushed you away makes me sick, but I won’t blame you for walking away because of how I’ve acted.”

A sad smile crosses your face as you press your forehead to his before whispering fiercely, “Love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action. I love you to the very bottom of my heart, James. Can you let me love you? Let me show you? I want to be here, if you’ll have me.”

With most of his energy channeled containing sobs, he offers a nod. Leaning in to each other, your lips unite for the first time in too long - earnest, sweet love mingled with relief pours between you. 

Pulling back only slightly, Bucky’s blue eyes search your own. “I missed you,” he murmurs roughly as his thumb wipes away a tear from your chin. 

“I missed you, too,” you return as the pads of your fingers swipe against his wet cheeks.

He lets that settle on his bones for future nights where he may hear whispers of doubt about you and your devotion.

“I wanna get better for you, darling.” He meant it sweet, touching, but you shake your head.

“No.”

He begins to shift away from you, your previous words with the solitary one dissonating, but a hand to the back of his neck holds him fast.

“Don’t get better for me. James Buchanan Barnes is worthy enough to get better for himself.” You interrupt what was obviously going to be a protest from him. “You’re the one that has to live with yourself. I don’t plan on going anywhere, but I also can’t fight this battle for you, as much as I wish I could.”

“I don’t know what getting better for myself even looks like.”

Your eyebrows settle into determination, a directness in your gaze. “Your training is almost done. Quit washing windows, focus on finishing well. Life is about to change for the better. Refocus, take a breather. And let the people in your life love you.”

“I. . . I’ll try.”

“That’s all I can ask. Except. . .” You bite your lip, as if pondering whether you should continue.

“What?” he prompts.

A twinkle returns to your eye and you lean in even closer, “You could shave the beard before you meet my parents or they’ll think I’m dating a hobo.”

For the first time in weeks, a laugh bubbles up through Bucky and out into the world with joy that was anything but hollow.

Chapter Sixteen

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[be-better-writing]

Daily Writing - Prompts List

Here is the list of various prompts I am using. They are themed around positive growth, personal and professional. There are also a few that take a little break from growth, but still help with it. There are only 260 right now, but I plan to add more as submitted, and as I come up with new ones. Until then, you can reuse them as you see fit. Used prompts are bold with the date used next to them.(At the time of writing, it’s 1:09AM EST, so only 6 prompts have been used thus far. Also, I started before New Year’s, so I’m ahead of schedule anyway.) I will post the responses soon, and as I go.

How do you define personal growth?   After defining the word, write about why it is important for people to strive to improve themselves. 12/29/19

Write about a time when you were unhappy with the way you responded to a particular situation.   Then, explain what you would do now if you encountered a similar situation.

Think about something big you’ve accomplished in the past year—and write about how you managed to do it.

How can you tell when a person has grown?   Write about the qualities that people who demonstrate great personal growth show on a regular basis.

What is one area of your life that you would like to improve in?   What can you do to better yourself?  

What is one area of your life that you think you already excel in?   Write about why you are so good at that one particular thing, and how you can continue to succeed in that area of your life.

Write about someone you know who has shown great personal growth in an area of his or her life.   How did that person achieve growth?

Why is personal growth so important? 12/31/19

Is it possible to help someone else with his or her own personal growth, or can people only grow on their own?   Why or why not? 12/30/19

What is your best habit?   Why?

What is your worst habit?   Why?

If you could improve any single skill or talent you have, which would you choose?   Why?

Have you ever helped someone else to get better at something in his or her life?   How did you encourage that person?

Think about one way that you have grown over the past year.   How did you accomplish growth?

What is one thing you can do to improve yourself today?   Write about what you will do, and then write a second reflection tomorrow about your experience.

What is one thing you can do to improve yourself in the next month?   Create a plan for what you will do each week for the next month, taking care to think about the steps you will need to meet to reach your goal.

What is one thing you can do to improve yourself in the next year?   Think about what you would like to have accomplished in one year from now, and then consider the one action that would truly make the biggest difference.

Write about a time when someone complimented you for showing personal growth.   How did their recognition make you feel?

When you are working on improving yourself, it’s especially important to recognize your achievements.   Write a congratulatory letter to yourself about one thing you’ve been doing really well lately.

It’s also important to take care of yourself when you are focusing heavily on self-improvement.   Write about one thing you can do to help yourself relax and have fun after working hard.

As a way of growing personally, many people like to focus on growing and developing the relationships in their life.   Choose a friend or family member and write about how you could improve your connection with him or her.

What is the best way to form good habits?   What can you do to make good habits more likely to stick?

Make a list of 10 things that make you happy.   How can you experience these things more frequently?

What is your greatest talent?   How can you use it to help others?

Do you think personal growth is difficult?   Why or why not? 1/2/2020

What is the most difficult aspect of personal growth?   What could you do to make that aspect less challenging?

Think about the part of your life that you are trying to improve right now.   As you get older, how do you think your focus will change?   What other ways will you try to grow in?

In what area of your life have you grown the most over the past three years?   What do you think helped you change?

Imagine that you are talking to your younger self.   What accomplishment would your younger self be most proud to see that you’ve achieved?

Think about the experiences you’ve had while working to improve yourself.   What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned in relation to personal growth?   Why was it so important to you?

What is your life philosophy?   What can you do to ensure that you are living it every day?

What do I need more of in my life?

What do I need to let go of?  (Fears, toxic energy, toxic relationships)

What are some of my limiting beliefs that might be holding me back?

What are 10 things I am grateful for today?

What are 10 positive things about my life?  (Things I absolutely love about my life)

What are 5 ways that I can go out of my comfort zone this year?

What are 7 things I am really good at?

Write out 15 positive affirmations  (ex: I can achieve anything I set my mind to.)

If money wasn't an issue, what would my ideal life be?  (Where would I live, what would my career be, what would my family look like)

What motivates me to keep going? 

How would I describe myself to someone who has never met me before?

What are 3 of my life passions?  (hobbies/things that set my soul on fire)

Where is my favorite place to go? Why?

Who is my biggest inspiration and why?

Where will I be in 5 years?

What does my ideal day look like?

What unhealthy habits do I need to cut out?

What do I love most about myself?  (5 things)

What is something I've been wanting to do but have been too afraid to try?  (Why am I afraid?)

What are my top 3 goals for this year and how can I achieve them?

What do I struggle with the most? 

What are 5 words that describe me best and why?

How can I add happiness to my daily life?

What animal describes me as a person and why?

What do I need to forgive myself for?

What does success mean to me?

How can I show myself more love? 

What am I going to achieve next month?

What negative mindsets do I need to let go of?

Write out 50 things that make me smile.

What would I do if I knew I could not fail?

What do you most desire for your life and the  future?

What is the ONE thing I can do to move forward with my goals? 1/1/2020

List the things you SHOULD do versus the things you WANT to  do.

What is the book you wish you could write?

List 20 things that make you smile

Write about  5 things you are grateful for this week. In addition, you can write a monthly, quarterly and yearly gratitude list!

What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses?

Reflect on how you have changed since 5 years ago

Are you addicted to social media? Assess yourself  honestly and explore how it impacts your life and what changes, if any, you can make.

What is something that has impacted positively on your life?

How do you maintain balance in your life? For example, are there any changes you would like to or NEED to make?

If you were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing and the one person you would choose to have with you and why?

Go for a walk with your phone/camera and take some photos. Afterwards, sit down and reflect on one of the photos you took

If you could relive an experience in your life, what would it be?

How was your day?

What does growing older mean to you?

How do you look after your physical health?

When do you feel happiest in your skin?

Where is your favourite place in the world? It could be a country, town, place, room in your house or something else!

Reminisce about your first love. P.S. It could be a car, a person, or something else

My favourite way to spend the day is …

Describe your perfect day

How do you handle a bad day?

Reminisce about your wedding day

What scares you?

How do you look after your  mental health?

Write about your top 3 goals. What are they, how will you feel when you achieve them, and finally, what will your life look like?

List the things you need/want to achieve in the next week

What do you consider your greatest professional success?

What do you consider your greatest personal success?

Who inspires you?

Try your hand and write a poem.

What advice would you give your 20-something self?

My  dream vacation  is

I feel amazing when …

What was the defining moment in your life?

Choose 3 photos of yourself across your lifetime and write about how you feel looking at them. On reflection, what were you doing in the photo and what you were like at the time?

Are you a city, a country or a beach person?

Write a 99 things you love list.

If you could invent something, what would it be?

What was the best concert you have ever been to?

If you won lotto tomorrow, what would you do?

What memory do you cherish the most?

Write about the place you grew up. How has it shaped you?

Pretend you are a tourist in your own town. Head out for a road trip with your camera, take some pics, and write about it

What makes you you?

What is the best gift you have ever given or received?

When you are feeling down, what picks you up?

How do you manage stress? Explore what has worked for you and what hasn’t

What are your top life hacks?

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? How has it shaped your life?

If you had a theme song, what would it be?

Write about a cause close to your heart, and why it is so important to you

What is a habit you would like to change?

What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

What is your favourite season and why

How does it feel to be the age you currently are?

Write about the first time you saw/held your newborn

Interview yourself or ask someone to interview you

What is on your bucket list?

I couldn’t live without …

What is your biggest weakness?

In what ways have you grown as a person this year? What/who has influenced you? And what have you learned?

What excites you about the future?

Write about a book, movie or song that has made a huge impact on you

What is your earliest childhood memory?

What is your greatest strength?

Name three things you couldn’t live without

What are you really good at?

Head out to a cafe or somewhere public, sit, and people watch. Write about what or who you see. Let your imagination run free. Write about the history of the people you see, what is happening, what they are thinking, what there future will be

Do you have a pet? Write about them! 1/3/2020

Write a letter to your son or daughter

I feel most satisfied when …

What do you wish others knew about you?

What was the funniest thing you saw or heard this week?

Do you have a routine or are you a person who hates routine?

What is the best advice someone has ever given you? Furthermore, what impact did this have on your life?

The most important things in my life are …

List your top wellness tips

Who do you look up to, and what do you admire most about them?

Write a letter to your teenage self

If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

What is your life motto, or what words do you live by?

Write about something you have never told anyone about before

What do you want to be remembered for?

How will you commit to taking better care of yourself next year?

What brings a tear to the eye? (It could be happy tears!)

Of all of the books you have read this year, which has been your favourite, and why?

What does success mean to you?

If you struggle with procrastination, what do you think causes it?

What does it mean to live an authentic life?

What is something you would love to learn how to do?

Are you a spiritual person? Describe your beliefs and how they affect and define how you live your life.

My favourite childhood memory is …

Write the top 5 things in your life that are causing you stress. For each stressor, write what  you can do to change it

Name 4 little things that always make you happy

Do you prefer to read fiction or non-fiction? Why?

What friends are you most grateful for? List what makes each friend so special

What do you love most about your partner? List them

My favourite way to spend the day is …

What are the 3 biggest distractions in your life at the moment, and how can you go about reducing them?

Sit down and do a life audit. Work through every section of your life and assess what is working well, what isn't, and any changes you could make

List 5 things you love about your home

How has each member of your immediate family helped to shape your life?

Describe your dream life.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?

Write a life admin list and then get to work on ticking those items off of your list!

My favorite way to spend the day is…

If I could talk to my teenage self, the one thing I would say is…

The two moments I’ll never forget in my life are… Describe them in great detail, and what makes them so unforgettable.

Write the words you need to hear right now.

Write about a moment experienced through your body. Making love, making breakfast, going to a party, having a fight, an experience you've had or you imagine for your character. Leave out thought and emotion, and let all information be conveyed through the body and senses.

The words I’d like to live by are…

I couldn’t imagine living without…

Make a list of 30 things that make you smile.

Make a list of the people in your life who genuinely support you, and who you can genuinely trust. (Then make time to hang out with them.)

What does unconditional love look like for you?

What would you do if you loved yourself unconditionally? How can you act on these things whether you do or don’t?

When I’m in pain — physical or emotional — the kindest thing I can do for myself is…

Name what is  enough  for you.

If my body could talk, it would say…

Name a compassionate way you’ve supported a friend recently. Then write down how you can do the same for yourself.

I really wish others knew this about me…

What always brings tears to your eyes?

Write about a time when work felt real to you, necessary and satisfying. Paid or unpaid, professional or domestic, physical or mental.

Using 10 words, describe yourself.

What do you love about life?

What can you learn from your biggest mistakes?

I feel most energized when…

Write a list of questions to which you urgently need answers.

What’s surprised you the most about your life or life in general?

What’s one topic you need to learn more about to help you live a more fulfilling life? (Then learn about it.)

I feel happiest in my skin when…

Make a list of everything you'd like to  say no  to.

Make a list of everything that inspires you — from books to websites to quotes to people to paintings to stores to the stars.

Explain what productivity feels like and means to you as vividly as possible.

How do you deal with feeling unmotivated? Are you someone who needs a lot of inspiration to get started on a task?

What is your priority in life at the moment?

Make a list of everything you'd like to  say yes  to.

What are your three biggest distractions, and how do/will you go about reducing them?

List three things you did today that bring you closer to where you want to be in five years’ time.

What is your biggest accomplishment over the last week, and what do you wish to do better over the next?

Name five values you strive to personify.

Talk about an obstacle you overcame today.

What is a habit you want to develop? How will it help your long-term goals?

What lesson did you learn from the last book you read?

Name five people who have inspired you recently, and explain why.

Identify your biggest time management mistake.

List five ways you have changed since this time last year.

Name the last three instances when someone gave you feedback. How did this make you feel, and what did you learn from it?

Give an example of when you helped someone else achieve one of their goals.

Discuss a big decision that frightened you initially, but paid off in the end.

How do you respond to setbacks and failure? Why? How would you like this to change?

Name one way technology enhances and hinders your productivity.

When was the last time you listened to your intuition, and what was the outcome?

Reflect on the happiest moment of your life. Explore where were you, what were you doing, and who were you sharing it with? Reflect on every detail.

What is your most treasured possession and why?

If you could run any business (and the business would be a guaranteed success), what business would you run?

How have you changed from the person you were 5 years ago?

When you think about your future, what do you fear the most?

When you think about your future, what do you hope for the most?

You partner is not giving you something you need. Do you tell them or suffer in silence?

Describe a time you felt especially valued and loved.

When’s the last time you used the word “busy” or “stressed out” about yourself? Is there a way that you could make things easier on yourself?

What have you been complaining about most lately? Is there a way to see that differently?

What brings you joy every single day?

What time of day are you most productive? Why do you think that is?

List the 5 people you spend the most time with, why, and how they’re affecting you — your behaviors, your thoughts, your life.

List the top 5 people you admire, and why.

What is your favorite song/musical piece and why?

What is an affirmation that can help you today?

What was your childhood dream and why? What happened to that dream and why?

Define the following: Success. Wisdom. Love. Faith. Truth. Courage. Joy

List all the things you think you SHOULD do, that you don’t want to do.

If you didn’t have to worry about money or people’s opinions, what would you do with your life?

If your house burned to the ground, what are the top 1–3 things you would want to save? Assume family and pets are already outside and safe.

A mental challenge I want to take on is…

How can you show yourself love?

List all the things you do that you shouldn't.

What is something you haven’t forgiven yourself for? How does it affect you now?

What is something I struggle with?

Create a forgiveness list of those who have done you wrong

How can you show yourself respect?

Name the top 3 emotions you are feeling in this moment and what causes them. If negative emotions, how can you turn them around?

List your top 3 fears and the reason behind them. Do you think you'll overcome these fears? Why or why not?

When do you feel the most at peace?

What gave you energy today? Drained your energy? Can you do anything to prevent the drain? Explain.

In what ways do you still need to invest in yourself?

Describe your environment. How can you improve it?

What steps can you take today to progress your personal growth?

What is the best piece of advice you’ve gotten?

How do you remember your childhood? Does it hold impact on your present self? What can you do to change that?

Describe your self care routine. Below your current routine, describe your ideal self care routine. Are there things you can change?

Describe your morning routine. Are there other habits you can implement for a better day?

Are you living your life authentically? If not, what needs to change for you to live authentically?

Describe your social life and how it impacts your mental and emotional state.

Pick a memory that makes you feel negatively and reflect on it. How did it change you? Does it impact your day to day life now? If so, while you are reflecting on the memory, forgive those involved that caused pain, accept the pain it once inflicted, and leave it in the memory. While you're reflecting, give yourself the chance to see from the other people's point of view, and outside of the situation as well. Imagine what they felt during that moment, how they saw the situation. Define the lesson from that moment in life, and apply it to your life today.Pick a memory that makes you feel positively and reflect on it. How did it change you? Does it help you keep a positive mindset and standpoint? Describe the memory, and the things involved that make you feel good. Reflect how you've changed since you lived that memory, and what you would like to see come from the positive emotions and mindset.

Pick a memory that makes you feel positively and reflect on it. How did it change you? Does it help you keep a positive mindset and standpoint? Describe the memory, and the things involved that make you feel good. Reflect how you've changed since you lived that memory, and what you would like to see come from the positive emotions and mindset.

[theorynexus]

This would seem to bring us to Post Number 60, the 62nd post of this series, if you count the decimalized ones.

LAST TIME ON MEAT EPILOGUE It would seem we are returning to John and Terezi, this time--- wooo!~   Apparently, he looks pretty bad. This is unfortunate. On the other hand:  YES, MEAT EPILOGUE CHAPTER/SECTION 6!!!

Hey, don’t try to shame John for being the sub in this situation. It’s not like he has experience with that kind of thing (not that it’s something generally to be ashamed of: I’m just saying that it is something he seems to be somewhat embarrassed about, and his inexperience meant that it wasn’t exactly by choice on his part--- which is not to suggest that Terezi molested him in any way).  Aaaannnd Trolls (especially highbloods) are supposed to be particularly vicious in nature, generally, right? It makes a whole lot of sense that that would extend to the bedroom, as well.

... But yeah, that doesn’t help with his health. He was already doing pretty badly, just after the surgery. He didn’t really need that sort of mess tacked on afterward.     Oh, and... why “mysteriously” sticky, you derp? XD

And I am glad you were kidding.   (That slapping was very interesting to hear. Hmmm.)      Yeah, him being confused and uncertain about it also feels just about right~ ~~~ On a random note, I am reading this just after going through the memo where Karkat, John, and Dave were talking about romance/the propagation of the species, and KK insisted that John and Dave stay away from troll women.    That makes this all wonderfully hilarious, in retrospect. 

Huh. I’ve never seen “cuckold” used in that sort of context before.  Indeed, this is quite the question, though.  Could John Egbert handle a blackrom? A caligionous one, at that?   A very hard question, that is.   I’m not sure he’s emotionally capable of giving himself into the kinds of hate and playful ribbing that would be constantly involved in that kind of relationship, if healthy.  I suspect it might have been just a particularly violent flushed thing, though.  We’ll see.

Pffft. Slithers.   That said:  Huh. I was not expecting that turn. Let’s see where this goes~

Oh my gosh, Dirk, would you stop being such a downer? XD I think this is indeed very, very cute~     Soul-shattering is a weird sort of term to use there, for a normal person. Seems right for Dirk, though. He understands the nuances of how shattering can be more or less than a whole break.

That is practically the definition of a subjective judgment.  I know you’re being ironic and all, but come on, man, that’s just base as heck. But yeah, I think he might have it bad, indeed. 

The question here is, “Does he mean to suggest that Andrew Hussie is God to him, or does he mistakenly [in the context of Homestuck, which has given no distinct evidence for it] believe that there was a God that he actually usurped?”   “replaced” is a very interesting and useful word, here, given the working interpretation that I have is indeed that he is interpreting AH as God and likely believes him to have abandoned Homestuck, thus removed himself from his directorial capacity over its narrative, until he managed to take over.

WHY ARE NEITHER OF YOU THINKING OF RETCON-PORTING IN TO RESCUE HER FROM HER DEMISE BEFORE IT HAPPENS?!?!?!? But yeah, you really should get home and recover first, if it is possible.

Whoops. Not a good sign. Noooot a good sign.

The Power of Three is a very strong thing.

Here we gooooooo!!!~    The first time (I think) that I’ve continued a post beyond one page!!!

No.  Also, probably Jake English. He has strange effects on people.

Wow, someone’s a bit miffed.  That said: Hooray, acknowledgement by the narrative! :’D

I do not appreciate your repeated suggestions that Jake is dumb! That said: No. No, I do not want to engage in wanton promiscuity with such a man.  I am, to put it quite simply, not interested in meaningless sexual encounters with people I am not deeply connected with. Even if I had such a bond with Jake English, I would not be inclined to engage in such activities. Quite frankly, I am not exactly partial to the type of equipment he sports. As for the political side of things... well, that’s complicated. Yeah, people can indeed become far too energized by the attractiveness of candidates and those associated with them, rather than their substance.  Maybe that’s the case, here.   I’d like to think that the actual results of the election will in fact prove people wrong. Maybe there will be exit polls that we can see excerpts of to judge things for certain.   I don’t know~

FINALLY, SOMEONE FRICKING ADMIRES THE SUFFERER!!!

Eh?  I mean, I guess even Dave and Karkat were acknowledging the possibility of a misstep. We’ll see what happens.

Heee’s probably gonna try to sabotage this, isn’t he?   Also, I wish I were more familiar with human muscle anatomy.

“The Kibosh” is a good phrase to use.  That said:  ***snerk***    It’s like Karkat has wedding day jitters. XD

Man, it is annoying how spiteful you are toward him, Dirk. Can you give him a break for just a second?   I mean, you probably caused the sweating to begin with.

Wow. Such dudebroism, which I just suddenly realized/-membered Dirk was supposed to slightly embody, somewhat.  (I blame Gamebro Magazine, and the sharp contrast between the diction there and Dirk’s writing style.) That is a funny description, though, the brain-tonguing.  Also, gosh, Jake is nervous.

Oh, hey, I think Dave’s going to finally get a feel for the Narrative, and maybe end up confronting Dirk.  That will be incredibly interesting.

Wow, this is getting to him.  It’s like he’s made of sugar, and someone’s just begun to drizzle water on him.  Or maybe made of witch.

***lip curls up in a snarl***    Dave better make this quick.  I am somehow edging on more angry at this Unreliable Narrator than I was before Alt!Calliope took over...!

Well, that’s, umm... interesting. Particularly, the cultivated Obfuscating Stupidity bit. But moreso the fact that Dirk will acknowledge he’s smarter than he seems.

Yes... I think I most definitely am more furious than ever at this piece of garbage, now.  After the sweet taste of freedom that Jake was finally able to feel, and the burst of confidence he’d found in it, you pour all of this blithering waste on him?   Jane was trying to use him!   I’m sure she hasn’t loved him for a long time, and even then, I Jake never toyed with her heart intentionally, I’m sure!   Grrrrr...!

Honestly, though, he brings up a complicated and intriguing question.  Jake has definitely been used and abused throughout his history, and at least part of his recent activity to exploit his Hope-y Assets must have been Dirk’s doing, but how much of his sexually promiscuous revelry has actually been something that he would not and did not choose, say, as a result of his drinking problem, rather than him reveling in his identity as a   

WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE 

 just as your pre-Scratch self was?  Regardless of the level of culpability he actually has in the matters of his life, he is nowhere near deserving of this kind of shaming, and Dirk should be ashamed of himself for this kind of disgusting behavior which he is almost certainly engaging in specifically to throw Jake off.

Oh, also, victim blaming is BS, and the answer is an unequivocal, “You, you insincere, megalomaniacal, self-justifying dirtbag.”

***is so fricking ANGRY that it is taking a great deal of willpower not to release a roar of primal fury and break my hand on my computer screen*** THIS IS NOT HOW HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WORK!!! THAT IS NOT HOW SOMEONE WHO IS ACTUALLY WILLING TO SUBMIT TO YOU LIKE THAT WILL BEHAVE, YOU FFF---     ***RRRRRGH!!!***

YOU HAD BETTER NOT FRICKING LISTEN TO THIS GARBAGE, JAKE!!! RESIST HIS INFLUENCE, AND---         Huh. The thought just occurred to me that both Dave and Jake could be interpreted as stand-ins for Simon, if Dirk were Kamina (despite how different Kamina’s personality is from Dirk’s), because Simon really seems like he could be interpreted as a Page of Hope too, for some reason (but curse my ADHD! XwX)   ---AND DEFEAT HIM WITH YOUR HOPE BUBBLE!!!

...  At least he apologized. For what that is worth.    This is going to seem so obvious to Dave, though.  Obviously, he isn’t going to kill his Bro, but... well, let’s see how things turn out. Hmm. Also, this is hilarious insofar as it derailed the press conference and probably took away much of the steam that could have been generated for the Karkat/Vantas ticket by Jake’s endorsement, but it doesn’t exactly do all that much for Jane Crocker’s side, either.  It was a very sickening and weird spectacle, but I am not sure how it will actually play out in their favor?   Seems like it might cause Jane’s side trouble, and might cause tensions between them.

I still can never consistently remember what “smh” means. But yes, “HICCUP???” is right.   STOP HIM, DAVE!!!  

TACKLE HIM AWAY INTO THE FUTURE!!!

Realistically, he should have no problem with speed at all. Time power shown a la cheating with Jade in games should let him get there instantly, and even his flash step that he has shown since before entering the Game should allow him to get there on time.      Man, Dirk is a prick about manipulating things. Especially since we are going to see things derailed and shift to another setting, right when Jake is supposedly going to make the biggest contribution he’ll ever make.  WHICH DOESN’T EVEN FRICKING MAKE SENSE!!!