#1) casual ableism does not help your case

[princeloww]

life is so peaceful when you just block people. be calm be zen avoid unnecessary stress just block them . block them all

[campgender]

Hi, my friend has a chronic illness that flares up sometimes and we've been wanting to hang out but it has gotten cancelled a couple times lately bc of her not feeling well enough on the day. I want to ask her how she feels cuz I care abt her a lot and want an update but 1, I don't want her to feel pressured or like I'm asking just to ask can we hang out now, and not bc I care abt how she's feeling (does that make sense? I may be overthinking this) and 2, I genuinely wanna know how she's doing but idk what to say if she responds with her not being better, sometimes u don't feel better and that's ok but I always want to offer comfort somehow or just convey my friendship? but I feel the same everytime and don't want to sound repetitive ?

Any thoughts?

this is really kind of you & it means so much to me that you want to support your friend & are putting so much thought into it! my response is inherently based in my own experience to an extent & everybody’s different, but a lot if not all of this is stuff i’ve heard regularly from other chronically ill people. of course, don’t say anything you don’t mean – if some of this isn’t the case for you, just adapt accordingly :)

i understand worrying about being repetitive but i think that’s totally okay to do! for one thing, it can be difficult to remember things period when you’re ill, especially during a flare, & for another, internalized + societal ableism is a hell of a force. it never hurts to have a reminder that not everyone is trying to force ableist expectations onto you + your friendship & that someone cares about you!

i think you can definitely tell your friend pretty much what you told me! like, “hey, it’s okay if you aren’t feeling up for responding but i just wanted to check on you! not trying to pressure you to hang out or anything, i just care about you & how you’re doing”

honestly the most important + supportive thing people have ever told me is that it’s okay if the answer is “bad.” i’m literally like surprised pikachu meme every time somebody offers to let me vent about having a rough time & then it helps me just to talk about it. it’s really socially unacceptable to talk about chronic pain & a lot of people get frustrated when you’re complaining about the same thing & there’s not really anything they can do, so just the opportunity to be like “yeah shit fucking sucks right now” means a lot.

obv the appropriateness of this depends on the person & their relationship to disability but most of the time i’m very like, radical acceptance / embracing / etc about the fact that i’m probably just gonna get sicker, so sometimes when i’m having a rough time emotionally & am like “what if i’m this bad for the rest of my life” my gf (who doesn’t have chronic pain / chronic illness) will say something like “then i can’t wait to be there with you ❤️” & it’s more meaningful to me than i can begin to put into words.

again everybody’s different but for me one of the biggest things is when disability stuff just… isn’t a big deal to the other person. which, it’s totally okay for you to need support from others when someone you care about is going through a hard time & when things change! but abled people are constantly horrified about like, every aspect of my life, so being able to talk casually about symptoms & somebody mirror the mood / tone i set – laugh if i’m joking, be upset about the ableism i experience & not my body itself if i’m complaining about people being weird about it, taking things as they come – is so affirming.

other things that have been helpful + meaningful for me are friends sending me notes, stickers, & art in the mail – having something tangible can make me feel more “real” & part of the world, something i struggle with due to being homebound – & peer support around medical neglect, which often just looks like talking to someone after a doctor’s appointment & them reaffirming my reality / experiences & saying i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

oh one other change in language i’ve made over time & probably picked up from a few other ill people in my life is a sort of realistic encouragement – there’s not necessarily anything wrong with “i hope you feel better soon!” because like, i get that the message is well-intentioned, but it can be awkward & difficult to receive when you don’t know if that’s gonna happen. instead, i try to tell people something like “i hope you get a bit of relief soon” or “i hope things are a little easier tomorrow.” a 7/10 pain day may be horrifying for most people, but when you’ve had a streak of 9s, it can be a much-needed taking the edge off, & i try to make space for that breadth of experience in my language.

i’ve answered a few similar questions before so i’ll add my “asks” & “faq” tags on my chronic illness blog in the reblogs if you want to browse! much love to you & your friend and feel free to lmk if you have any other questions 💓💓

[blindbeta]

Trope Discussion: The Blind Prophet / Blind Seer

This covers blind seers, prophets, clairvoyant characters, etc. Anyone who can see or predict the future, usually through seeing visions. This trope is extremely common. It also has roots in classical mythologies, religion, and literature. It is not necessarily bad on its own, but the way it is used in fiction and it’s popularity with non-blind writers makes it an uncomfortable trope for me much of the time.

I understand that not everyone will agree with me, but I think some of my suggestions can be helpful because this post offers potential ways to make this trope better for those who wish to use it.

I neglected to include it in my post about Things I Want to See More Of / Less Of in Blind Characters, but it is still something I want to discuss. I thought it warranted its own post. To get an idea of my thoughts on this trope, I don’t think it is so much harmful on its own, such as the cure trope, but rather I feel it is over-used and used in ways that contribute to ideas I find harmful. In the case of this trope, the ideas I find harmful refers mainly to the idea that blind characters need something extra or special that is designed to make up for their blindness.

The blind prophet or blind seer is something people seem to assign to their blind characters because it feels right. I would like writers to consider why this is, ways to avoid problems associated with it, and ways to be more intentional with how they design blind characters in the future. To clarify, I’m not saying you should never write a blind character who can see or predict the future. I’m not even saying this is best left up to blind writers. I’m saying I want writers to be aware and have more intent when they use this trope. Hopefully this post can help people do that.

I often receive asks or messages about blind characters who can see the future. A few common characteristics include:

1. this blind prophet is the only blind character

2. this blind character is the only person in the story who can see the future

3. this blind prophet is always totally blind - I have only received one message in which the blind prophet in question had some vision in one eye

4. seeing the future is portrayed as making up for or otherwise replacing the character’s lack of vision (again, the trope is almost always about a totally blind character)

So, in other words, this trope can be used for writers to make up for blindness, whether that means actually giving the character sight through their visions or making up for it emotionally. For example: “This character is blind, which is sad, but that’s okay because they can see even more than we can! They’re special!”

Let’s break it down.

Discussion: 1. this blind prophet is the only blind character

Why is this a problem? First, I think we are well beyond having only one blind character in our stories. Sometimes having one blind character feels as if the writer believes having more than one would be unrealistic. Sometimes it also feels frustrating to explain over and over that affirming stereotypes can often be avoided by simply having several blind characters. Unfortunately it often feels like a struggle to get writers to consider it. This means the only example of a blind person in the story is one who can see the future, which means they affirm this trope or stereotype for the casual reader.

Second, having the prophet be the only blind character tells readers that blind characters cannot exist without something to make up for their blindness. They can’t even exist in a story without this.

Discussion: 2. this blind character is the only person in the story who can see the future

Why is this a problem? This one is similar to the first one. We have the token blind character who is the only one who needs sensory based powers. Because, remember, the blind character needs to make up for something, apparently.

Why does the blind person always have to be the prophet? Why can’t they be the strong one or the one with teleportation? Why can’t they be, I don’t know, the person with power of attraction or display proficiency with a weapon?

Why do they always have sense based powers? Why not another power? At least a character like Toph is a powerful bender. She can do plenty of things aside from see, plus her adaptation was derived from everyday use of a power she already had rather than a power she was given for the purpose of seeing.

It gets a little disappointing when a blind person’s power is just the ability to — I guess — see? More on that in section 4.

Discussion: 3. this blind prophet is always totally blind - I have only received 2 story ideas in which the blind prophet in question had some vision

Why is this a problem? I’ll try to explain this part as best I can.

There is nothing wrong with having a totally blind character. That is not what I’m getting at here. My issue resides in the idea of seeing the future making up for blindness, and this means, the character usually needs to be totally blind.

I think this is a manifestation of the myth that all or most blind people have no vision at all. This is not true. In fact, the majority of us have some remaining vision. I asked my totally blind friend who said she had only met one other person who was like her.

I think this is also a manifestation of the idea that blindness needs to be made up for. With a special sight power and not with something like flight or technology-based powers. Writers who are consciously or unconsciously accepting this idea need to have a totally blind character. Because if the character has some remaining sight, what needs to be made up for?

Discussion: 4. seeing the future is portrayed as making up for or otherwise replacing the character’s lack of vision (again, the trope is almost always about a totally blind character)

Why is this a problem? I want to stress that these are two separate things. Both problems, but different ones that have roots in ableism.

When I say ‘making up for’, I refer to a blind character being given visions to make up for their lack of actual vision. As I mentioned before, this character, almost always totally blind, needs something to make up for blindness in the narrative. These visions can be brief ideas of the future or actual flashes of light or color. Either way, this character is being given a special kind of “sight” which makes up for their blindness. This can be a way for a sighted audience to feel better, or for the writer to feel as if they have made up for the character’s blindness. This is mostly emotional or mental. The character doesn’t need to actually see anything in order to fulfill this part of the trope.

The second part is about how sometimes the blind prophet can literally replace their blindness with their future visions. For example, they don’t need a cane while using stairs because they can predict when each step is. Or they might not be able to see people’s faces in visions. This erases their blindness. And in this case, why write a blind character at all?

On that note, discussion 3 also comes into play. If you want your character to be totally blind while failing to write them as totally blind, you shouldn’t be writing a totally blind character. In this instance, you probably shouldn’t be writing any blind characters, period, but I do think you would be better off writing a character with some vision instead.

Additionally, back in discussion 2, I said this: [quote] “It gets a little disappointing when a blind person’s power is just the ability to — I guess — see? More on that in section 4.” [End quote]. I wanted to add that having powers that just make up for a lack of sight is boring. I’m bored by it. Does it mean it can never be made interesting? Of course it can be interesting. However, that would require more work than some writers are putting in when this trope is used.

How to Avoid Some Problems

Problem 1: this blind prophet is the only blind character

To avoid: add more blind characters, specifically ones who cannot predict the future.

I generally advise adding at least 1 extra blind character, but for big tropes like this my happy area is 2 to 3 extra. You should have at least 2 to 3 blind characters in total to avoid both tokenism and this problem specifically. This means, if you have 1 blind character who can see the future, you should have at least 2 who cannot. This is the minimum.

The point is to expose readers to characters who do not follow the tropes they are probably used to and may even think are representative of blind people in general.

Problem 2: this blind character is the only person in the story who can see the future

To avoid: Set out to have characters who can see the future and who are specifically not blind. Also, have characters who are blind who cannot see the future.

I think, if you want a bunch of prophets in your story, this is a good way to go. You could also simply not have any blind prophets, but it depends on the story you are telling and if you have a bunch of prophet characters, you might wish to include a blind character among them.

For an ask relevant to this point, go here.

Problem 3: this blind prophet is always totally blind - I have only received 2 story ideas in which the blind prophet in question had some vision

To avoid: Create characters who are prophets with residual sight.

This problem is very much connected to problem 4, but I wanted to mention it just in case. It is not as much of an issue on it’s own.

Problem 4: seeing the future is portrayed as making up for or otherwise replacing the character’s lack of vision (again, the trope is almost always about a totally blind character)

To avoid: Don’t erase the character’s blindness with visions. Don’t give them visions as a way of making up for not being able to see at all / well. Don’t connect their powers to their blindness. The idea of [quote] “My character can’t see so what if they could - gasp - see in an extra special way” [end quote] is not that creative. Also see problem 3.

Additional thoughts:

Consider giving blind characters powers that don’t involve sight, at least not in such a direct way. Whether you have a blind prophet character or not. Perhaps another alternative could be giving them several powers.

I would like blind characters to have more unique powers, because I see this trope often. It would be fun to see something different or for this trope to be subverted somehow.

Again, I want more awareness and more intent from writers. Not necessarily complete avoidance of this trope. Would I like to come across it less? Yes. But there is still hope for it.

I hope this helps.

-BlindBeta

I also offer sensitivity readings. See my pinned post for more information.

Edit: @stealthetrees Yes I think it would still apply. Think of this type of character as also being totally blind.

[forcedsense]

before i do that lemme explain why br/uce w/ayne being autistic has always made sense and people are just stupid

1: masking. BRUCE W/AYNE IS THE MASK. He admits it multiple times, everything he does as bruce he doesnt tend to enjoy doing. He’s pretending to be what other people expect and want him to be in order to build the facade. That’s what us autistics refer to as masking. He’s actively masking not only situationally, but an altogether alternate personality, for others. Not for himself, for others.

2: hyperfixations. His entire obsession with vengeance, justice, his general refusal to leave gotham and his distaste for trying a lot of new things? He has his comfort spot (oftentimes on ceilings in the middle of the night), he’s fixated on an ultimate goal and won’t let anyone or anything get in the way of that.

3. His loved ones oftentimes view him as aloof, assholeish, uncaring. Outside watchers fully believe he might even hate alfred or his kids because hes too straight forward and honest, and oftentimes struggles to show his actual feelings. This is an autistic standpoint. No matter how loving I personally can be, people will still claim its not enough and even accuse me of hating someone i love because ‘if you love someone you don’t point out negative traits or admit you dislike this or that’. Maybe not if youre neurotypical and a fucking liar, but autistics already struggle with lying as it is. If you ask us for our opinion, you’re getting our opinion, and you need to specify if you want it in some fancy ‘not the real opiniona supportive opinion’ way.

4: If you notice, he doesn’t tend to argue with people when they call out him being B.ruce while hes bats. If they figure it out, they figured it out, he’s not going to correct them. If they don’t figure it out, oh well. Maybe he’ll tell them, maybe he wont. As he gets older, the actual cowl isnt what makes him able to be his true self anymore, and he feels freer to be T/he B/at without the cowl around people he believes are trustworthy.

5: Which is another thing, the fucking trust levels of him. In some cases, he trusts far too easily (coughs lina coughs), in most cases, he doesnt trust well at all. he’s willing to risk everything for his family, for gordon, for the league because he knows they can handle themselves, and if need be, theyll help him even while knowing he’ll never actively ask them for it in the sense neurotypicals do. He’s always adamantly aware of everything, he notices all the little details in their lives even if he doesnt speak up about it. People think hes selfish and a prick and the thing is, it’s because they don’t understand how his brain works.

As an autistic, seeing Bruces autistic traits on the big screen is a huge deal to me. Thats why S:nyders bruce meant so much to me, because even though he didnt admit to bruce being autistic the traits were still there! Roberts is amplified even more than that, theres no probable argument for ‘oh trauma made him that way!!!’ no, he was like this before his parents death canonically. he had hyperfixations, the prequel novel has an entire chapter devoted to him trying to figure out the best way to mask in front of the orphans at wayne manor and relate to them while trying to figure out what’s going on in their heads and even actively mirroring them. M/att R/eeves took a fucking fish labeled autism traits and slapped everyone in the face with it, and Rob is officially getting labeled across platforms as the best B/atman solo film to date, and the best B/atman to date.

Your best is autistic, your best is officially being labeled as the best by casual and long term viewers, comic fans, and otherwise. Denying his autism is pure ableism at this rate. Reeves didnt say ‘lets erase his traits to make him grunge’, he took his traits and refused to hide them. He‘s showing an autistic man struggling to be the vigilante he is and trying to help the world get better, and yes he actively makes things worse a lot of the time by not thinking things through all the way or being hellbent on his thought process, but so is life! He’s trying, and that’s what matters most. Denying the fact Bruce is clearly autistic, especially B/attinsons, is ableism at its finest. Thats why I’m saying I don’t think I can trust people who claim he isn’t autistic, because to deny it is to prove you don’t understand autism at all, and to deny us the one positive representation we’ve gotten in fucking years. Beyond that, a positive whos mainstream, extremely popular, and you can’t argue against it.

We’ve won, we deserve this, we’ve gone through so much hell and shit and so has he, and he‘s proven what we’re capable of too. Don’t be ableist.

[spockandawe]

So you’ve heard Spock is the actual literal devil

Have you heard that I’m a terrible person? A plagiarist? Have you been told that I’m only into transformers at all because I wanted to make this one random guy unhappy? If you’ve been told that, you’ve probably also been told that a year and a half later, I’m still making fanworks just to upset him. You might have even heard that shhhh, don’t disagree with Spock on anything, or they’ll hunt you down and harass you.

Right, okay. This is one hell of a saga that I will attempt to tell in as compressed a form as possible. It’s a lot. Years ago, back in HS, there was this one guy who policed the hell out of one of the character tags. I’m going to call him C. He’d pressure people not to make the content they were making, decry the hateful people reading with a malicious eye who thought the character would ever do anything bad (the character was a creep). And because being obnoxious wasn’t bad enough, if you didn’t cave to his demands, he just might do things like start whisper campaigns about how you support rape, casually out you as a survivor, cute little things like that.

This is not a story about that guy.

This is a story about C’s one-time attack dog, eventual boyfriend, and current ex. We’ll go ahead and call him R. I’ve tried real hard to avoid namedropping on my blog before, but could people find him from this? Probably. Have I stopped caring? Absolutely.

TL;DR, unsubstantiated accusations of serial harassment are a little questionable when they’re coming from someone with a years-long, extensively documented history of serial harassment and a personal grudge against me.

Cut for length.

Edit 7/2/2017: R has posted that he regrets making these posts about me, and admits that he said things that were out of line. And he’s stated that he’s going to try to do better in the future. I genuinely, truly appreciate that. I’m leaving this post up because there have been lies about me floating around for a while and I reserve the right to defend myself, but I really do appreciate that.

Oh balls, none of this makes sense without backstory (I’m so sorry)

If you think I suck or my work sucks, that’s fine! You do you, go enjoy the things that make you happy.

If you think I’m the devil because this one guy told you about my evil, evil past and all my terrible misdeeds, without anything at all to back up his words? You can ask me. I don’t bite, and oh lordy do I have receipts.

To be clear, R is totally allowed to hate me! I don't care. I don't care if he hates my writing, I don't care if he hates me as a person. But now he's escalated to spreading lies about me, and people are believing him, and I’m not enough of a doormat to let that just stand.

And I’m going to cheat a little. Here’s a memo with the cliffs notes version (not the original memo, I made a copy with C’s urls cropped out since he hasn’t attacked anyone in a long while). Warning, digging any distance into this turns up violent fantasies, violent sexual fantasies, creepy interactions with a minor, and lots more, it’s all really, really unpleasant. Evidence is thoroughly documented, please tread with care.

You would not believe how truncated that is compared to the reality.

Now, the worst of this came via C. Who has calmed down a lot these days, and I’m really happy that’s the case. Good for him. I hope his life continues in a direction where he doesn’t find it necessary to do this stuff.

Lucky for me, R was standing by to pick up the slack.

It doesn’t show up as much in the memo, which is mostly C-focused, but R was standing by C this whole time, defending his right to spread around private information about someone’s abuse history, sending nasty messages on the other guy’s behalf, and much,much more. it’s long, it’s awful, it’s unpleasant. R personally hurt people in some significant ways that I don’t want to link directly, for their sake. He expressed deep remorse a few times, but it never stuck.

Here’s my personal favorite quote from R. He’s speaking to the CSA survivor that C casually outed (with information given to him in confidence), and who they’d been running a long, long whisper campaign against, and who was understandably a bit upset over the whole thing:

oh go wank to your own tears [name]

#and get your sympathizers to help #nasty fucking people #maybe if you cry enough youll be able to go into second grade in the fall #ooc

Said, again, to a CSA survivor they outed and harassed. That person is such a sweetheart, and this screencap still infuriates me.

The first time I saw C pick a fight he had lots of friends. Shockingly, as he did things like loudly fantasize about how he wants to mutilate people and rant about how autistic people should die, those friends mostly drifted away. I know one person had a friend even help them stage a faux relationship-ending fight, so they could be sure they’d be able to completely cut and run from C. R stuck with him, though. Eventually they even started dating.

‘Spock followed R into transformers to harass him and stalks his favorite characters just to harass him more’

Then, transformers. Here, let me show you the first post (by R) that ever brought MTMTE to my attention. I spent years being aggressively uninterested in transformers, but this caught my eye

and honestly, ppl (adults too!!!) shipping someone who has the mentality of a child and is quite glaringly lacking a world of experiences and general understanding of things outside of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, with an adult, is just. very alarming and gross to me.

and honestly, the fact that there is a large portion of people who want him to become romantically (and sexually!!!) involved with either one of two fucking adults in canon, and hell, esp those defending it with ‘hes an adult too tho!!’ is really gross.

you can pretend all you want that hes ‘an adult’ because his body is, but theres no way jro didnt intent to code him as a child. stop fetishizing children lmao,

#pedophilia -/-/- #cygate -/-/- #if someone comes at me screaming ‘rule 38′ im gonna shove them in a locker

I didn’t know transformers, but I was pretty sure this was some straight-up bullshit.

(but don’t worry, he ships it now! no hypocrisy here, no sir)

It’s “really gross” to ship this adult with other adults. Mm. Given the reasonableness of the claims these guys have made in the past, and given their extensive history of harassing people over those claims, I hopped to the wiki to check it out. I read a bit about the comic and the plot, and all of it sounded so fascinating that I just had to give the comic a try.

Reader, I married it.

I shotgunned MTMTE 1-47 in two days, started doing fanworks right out of the gate, and I’ve never looked back. A lot of my art was cygate, because come on, the comic wants you to ship it so bad, my first readthrough ended with issue 47, and that was the first ship I’d ever read about for the series, even before I dove in.

Now, both these characters punch me right in the heart, in some painfully personal ways. Tailgate’s the more relevant one here, but I don’t even know if I could do justice to the emotions both of them give me.

I’m still not a fan of how R’s lies about me have edged me into needing to say this in public, but okay. I’m developmentally delayed. It’s been a rough ride. And Tailgate hits me in some of those spots so hard it just takes my breath away. I’ve got a lot of baggage over not being a real adult, and not in the funny oh-no-how-do-taxes-work way, more like an extended months-long meltdown my first year of college because I can tell that my friends are years ahead of me and I don’t know how to even start catching up, and just existing, as myself, is humiliating.

All of my relationship milestones have come painfully, painfully late. The whole thing is still one awful emotional bruise. I hate it, and I hate how easy it is to convince myself that yeah, of course you don’t actually deserve to be treated as an adult and you never will. Just look at you. So then it is unbelievably important to me that I can see someone someone who is like me, being treated as a legitimate adult, and being able to have an adult relationship.

Hearing that shipping someone like me is essentially pedophilia is the opposite of that.

But he ships it now, so everything is fine :)

Yeah, you know what? Another fucking receipt.

uGHGH im so tired of all the rabid cy// /gat// //e fans like even cy’s giving em a look like ‘leave my fucking child alone’

#i just #im hoping jro has some taste tho and doesnt make an adult date a child #and if not im hoping the outcome blows over soon bc im so tired of seeing people defend pedophilia #pedophilia -/-/-

Parental.

This continued even after JRO explicitly confirmed Tailgate was an adult.

Bonus ableism: shipping Whirl (another character who hits me way too hard) isn’t okay either. Even though there isn’t the excuse of ‘but he only lived three years--’ No, at that point, you’re saying that an adult who fails to adult correctly does not count, and isn’t allowed to have romantic relationships. It makes my skin crawl, and it is an issue which is very personally and directly important to me.

So some of my cygate was porn from the start (it’s what I write. it’s what I draw.), and some of the porn was made because I was upset over discourse that says someone like me needs to be treated as a child. I played with cywhirlgate too, because omg how could I not, and some of that was porn as well. It was ages ago, so I don’t remember the details for every little thing I made. But when I saw someone saying that Cyclonus and Tailgate had a parental relationship, I’m sure that helped nudge me in that direction. Maybe R thinks I should have channeled my emotions by starting a whisper campaign to exclude him from fandom spaces. But I think my way of working through bad emotions might have been a little healthier than that.

So when R accuses me of making cygate content to spite him? Half true. Just true enough to be real fucking dishonest. R spent a nice long time insisting that cygate was pedophilia. I channeled my outrage over that ableism into fan creations.

I didn’t attack him. I talked about him some – on a private forum, with people who’d already been aware of him and had been watching him and C hurt people for years, plural. I haven’t told people on tumblr any real details about him until now. And R still is happy to talk about how it was his toxic ex’s right to post torture/rape/murder porn vent fic about actual people.

Tell me, how exactly am I in the wrong?

Bonus pettiness: I posted some cywhirlgate porn. The next day, R vaguely whined about robot pedophilia and turned around and wrote some obviously-a-response cywhirlgate. Where it was super platonic and the text explicitly said it was super platonic and it even had platonic thigh nuzzling. With two “children” involved. Of course I turned around and wrote more fic of my own, because jesus h christ that made my skin crawl. You want to play this game? I guarantee I can write faster than you, let’s do this. (he did not follow through on that)

I’d also like to say that forgetting inconvenient little details like this is a thing with R. Hard to call me terrible for writing spitefic when you write it yourself.

A history of Spock’s personal involvement

Let’s backtrack a tiny bit. You may notice I am up to my elbows in this nonsense for no clear reason.

I was friends with some of the people C was taking shots at, and I was unfortunate enough to believe his original smear campaign about that one artist (I’m still ashamed about that). I cared about a number of people C was trying to hurt. I think one or two fanworks of mine upset him, but he already had loads of targets. I kept tabs on him and R, because anxiety is the gift that just keeps giving.

Eventually, C fantasized about wanting to put my former datemate’s hand through a meat grinder (ey wrote a fic that portrayed his fave in a negative light). And R defended his right to do that.

The person he posted about is still feeling the effects of that incident. I’m still feeling the effects of that. And it wasn’t even directed at me, just someone I care deeply about.

R has recently posted that ‘oh my goodness, C sure was awful, remember when he posted this thing about a meat grinder and how unreasonable it was?’ Thanks buddy, glad you noticed, now just go ahead and keep on blaming me for the aftereffects of what your boyfriend did, and what you defended.

After that, it was months before I could properly look away from either of their blogs.

C posted extensively about trying to track down the street address of his ~enemies~ (including the one whose genitals he fantasized about mutilating). He posted about how autistics should die. He had skype chats about wanting to do amateur brain surgery on people. All while posting very often about finding real addresses.

Yeah, it’s more than a year later, and every so often I get a stab of anxiety and have to head off to double check on what these two are up to.

I will repeat that C has been pretty chill lately. He’s got a career he’s aiming for. Good for him, go find success, please don’t slip back into being an internet bully. It’s sad and upsetting to see R echoing some of the early patterns of his ex, and it’s so strange to see me labeled as his own personal enemy.

‘Spock will totally come harass you too’ and/or various accusations of ableism

So there are some things I did in the mix in this history that I regret. Occasionally, I went out and flipped through the blogs of C and R’s friends, seeing if maybe they’d had said something in their notes, did they have any vagueblogs C liked, did they post about— It got unreasonable. I admit that. Anxiety was at the root of it, but it absolutely got unreasonable. And also it is a massive time sink, and I can’t remember the last time I bothered with it. I enjoy life much more when anxiety and paranoia issues don’t have their claws in me. This hasn’t been an issue in a very long time.

I came down hard on some of the kinfeels and system stuff too, which I do walk back a bit. C’s approach was… hahaha. It was something. And he was my intro to the kin and system paradigms. I saw R talking about C’s approach being unreasonable too, pretty recently. So that was an unfortunate bit of poison in how I processed the next people I met who did that sort of thing. I don’t do kin stuff, but I get it. And DID may not strictly apply to all systems, by the formal diagnostic criteria, but I’ve learned there are plenty of other dissociative disorders out there. And I met people who were multiples and who did kin things that weren’t these two guys. Which helped a LOT.

But the big one, hmmm. C wrote a fic. The idea was interesting, but the execution frustrated me. Everyone but the main lead felt so… flat. Everyone was constantly cruel to the main, for no reason. I saw a way to riff on the original text while staying true to its shape, and writing my bad emotions out is also a major, major thing I do to cope. Now, my big thing is that I should have asked before I remixed. I’d been thinking in terms of, y’know, transformative fanworks. Even with authors like Anne McCaffrey and Anne Rice, who fought against fandom, people have still felt that it should be allowed, even against their wishes. So I wrote the remix. I gave full credit on ao3 in the ‘inspired by’ box, linked to the original with positive words, the whole shebang.

The guy was still furious, and… that’s fair. I thought I’d written a thing on self-sabotage that was pretty sympathetic and compelling, and the self-sabotage actually drew a lot on my own personal history. But I gave the main flaws he strongly disagreed with, and I didn’t ask for permission. I get why he was/is angry over it.

I’ve been a fixture on their shitlists ever since :P

It’s remarkable, even while R posts now about ‘oh my god, remember how C wrote the creepiest things?’, I’m still the one who’s the the actual worst, for being skeeved out by the creepy things and finding a constructive way to deal with it. R’s controlling ex gets full freedom when it comes to vent fic, even when it’s about wallowing in torturing, raping, and murdering an avatar for a real person (the original one they harassed!), or punching someone in the face until they agree to be your friend (another artist these guys targeted). But R’s position seems to be that only C is allowed to vent (even if it’s genital mutilation fantasies), and I’m definitely not.

Oh, and R has now expanded this remix into me totally having a consistent pattern of stealing ideas and plagiarism and so many remixes that are obviously done as revenge on anyone who pisses me off. So that’s nice.

So R hates your writing. Is that seriously why this post exists?

Ha, no. Let’s look at the concrete things R is saying. Here, let me post a little sampling of evidence.

These aren’t just things he’s shouting into the void, people have responded saying wow, I never knew that! These are lies that people are believing about me. And then yesterday, June 30, 2017, he warned a friend not to disagree with my meta, or I’d come harass them. A friend I’m aggressively leaving out of this, just as I’m leaving out other responses, because these people don’t deserve to be dragged into R’s bullshit.

Let’s have bullet points. Some of these are the silly spock-is-bad-at-writing complaints. Those are here because this whole mess is pretty fucking depressing and the ridiculous claims make me laugh, but these are all things he says.

Spock is evil – You know what, he’s not calling people pedophiles, which is a step up. I’ll take it.

Spock is a plagiarist – I remixed one fic with full credit, said only good things about the original, and linked to it in extra places so that people would have extra opportunities to click through and check it out. I arguably remixed inappropriately, but that’s not the same thing. Words have definitions. If I’m a plagiarist, so is everyone who’s ever written a fanfic.

Spock is something something mean when people disagree – I don’t even know, man. I’m actually shockingly conflict-averse. Is this because I make walls of text and explain why I hold opinions at great length? I enjoy talking about a thing I love. I’m autistic, I’m hyperverbal, and this is my special interest, so is it that I talk a lot? That’s the best I can do. I’ve talked about things I disagree with on a private forum, in which case mister pot has had a lot of fun in public on twitter, not only talking shit, but also spreading outright untruths. Maybe he wants to rethink this one.

Spock will come harass you if you disagree – You need to back the heck down, pal.

Spock’s meta/fic/characterization is bad and they should feel bad – Hahaha, fite me. He won’t, because I can articulately defend myself at significant length, and his criticisms seem to stop at ‘spock sucks’, but hey.

Spock used ableist language about Whirl - I... what? This one confuses me and makes me laugh so it stays here. Also, holy double standards, batman.

Spock is only into transformers to harass R – I checked out transformers because I was pretty sure R was being disgustingly ableist (he was). I stayed in transformers because I adore it. I had to adore it a lot to make me willing to share fandom space with these two. My god, I have better things to do with my life than spend all my time on something that bores me just to annoy one asshole on the other side of the internet. I’d ask if he thinks I spent dozens of painstaking hours cross-stitching Starscream just to bother him, but….. yep, pretty sure he does.

Spock goes after all of R’s favorite characters to upset him – R latches on to just about every interesting and/or sympathetic character that shows up. When he was dating C, they covered most of the cast between them. I don’t care who R likes best because I don’t agree with his opinions. I tend to stay away from his opinions because I don’t like reading things that bother me. This is asnine. I’m only allowed to like the characters R despises, I guess.

Spock makes fanworks for things R likes just to make him see them – Oh my god, I don’t caaaaaare. I write about things that interest me, unless I’m venting. Say, venting about the way R and his ex have deliberately hurt a shockingly high number of people I care about. ‘Spock made rodistar because I liked it--’ I made it because I wrote a thing about their parallels, and shipping was the obvious next step. R isn’t that important to me. Promise.

This is just exhausting, man. The anxiety bugs had been dying down, and it had been ages since I checked out this guy’s anything. C, who drove the whole initial blowup that led to this, has been quiet and chill on tumblr. But R has learned from his ex’s old example and has been having fun spreading lies about me.

In conclusion

Some fun history.

R was 18 when he told a CSA survivor upset about being outed and harassed to wank using their tears for lube.

He was older than that when he defended C’s right to post about wanting to mutilate someone’s genitals (for the crime of saying C’s logic didn’t make sense).

He was older than that when he complained about that person’s spouse being ‘vicious’ for reacting badly to C’s genital mutilation fantasy.

He was older than that when he nodded along as C called autistic people retards and said they should die.

He was older than that when he talked about being happy that someone he disliked was triggered, and nodded along when C fantasized about that person drinking bleach.

And he was older than that when he defended C, his twenty-something boyfriend, against the thirteen-year-old that C had been having incredibly inappropriate conversations with, despite skype log proof and everything.

And despite all this, I’m still the bad guy, because I didn’t think what they were doing was okay. I’m the bad guy for being upset by C's actions, even though... R is now upset by C’s actions. The ways I responded to C were inexcusable. My only motivation is to hurt people. Every thing I did that ever upset them still means I’m terrible, even though R is saying this while he’s busy posting about how awful C is. And this all means that he needs to warn his friends not to catch my attention, or I’ll come harass them.

So, I’m tired.

I’m very tired.

I’m glad he’s trying to grow past that history. Good. Maybe he can do that without making up a story about how I’m unrepentant villain who lives for villainy and who only takes joy in causing him pain. I’m sure it helps him, because it’s a story that brushes aside the shit he did that he regrets, and makes his past less painful to think about. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with him telling lies about me.

I don’t know why I’m the one boogeyman he has left (I kid, it’s because I’m in transformers, and because he thinks I’m popular. he harps on it a lot, and it’s weird for everyone). I mean, whatever. I’ve aggressively avoided publishing drama details on here for a very long time. But there are two blog tags, miscellaneous other untagged blog content, three forum threads, and hundreds of pages of skype logs with hard evidence of this bullshit.

I’m pretty sure that if he tries to defend himself, one, he’ll place some blame on his ex. That’s fair. C was pretty darn controlling and demanding. But R is still absolutely responsible for his own actions, and is especially responsible for the harm he personally caused. He’ll talk about how it’s bullshit to pull up all these receipts from so very long ago. In that case, his receipts for me (whatever he even has) are equally old, so aren’t they null and void? No, because Spock is the devil. And it’s not so much bullshit if he’s clearly learned nothing, and has gone back to spreading outright falsehoods about people.

To be clear, a lot of the lies he told about me were told a while back. Weeks to a few months to a year. I was letting it sit, because I’d really, really hoped this was over. Yesterday, June 30, 2017, he warned a friend not to publicly disagree with my meta or I’d come and harass them.

It’s been three years since I first saw him doing this. I’ve watched him hurt a lot of people, and I’ve watched him admit, multiple times, that he has hurt people. I thought he’d learned to stop following these toxic patterns. Apparently he has not.

Edit 7/2/2017: To repeat the edit up above, R has said he regrets posting these things about me, and that he's going to try to avoid slipping into this in the future. I very much appreciate that.