#2024/09/14

[shiri1124]

お久しぶりです。実に2週間ぶりですね。tumblerへの投稿は。生きてましたよ、ちゃんと。失恋しても当たり前に今日はやってくるし、仕事は真剣にやらないといけないし、ご飯を食べなきゃお腹は空くし、眠らないと体力は持たない。そんな当たり前のことさえ受け入れられないほどに、彼に合わせていた、3ヶ月間。今は自分の仕事にも、居住地にも誇りを持つことが出来る。こんなことを書くということはそう、彼にゾッコンだった3ヶ月間私は高齢者施設で看護師として働いている自分の仕事に自信が持てなかったし、なぜ彼と1時間半も離れた距離に住んでいるのか、なぜ私は彼の家の近くに住めないのかと居住地に対してヤキモキした気持ちを抱えていた。彼に出会うまでは「あの地域って治安悪いよね。私は一生ここでいいわ」とか言ってたくせに。彼と過ごしていく上で、私らしさが障壁になるなら、そんなものいらない！！全部煩わしいだけ！！と思ってしまっていたんですね。その結果びっくりするぐらいに自信も自己肯定感も無くなっていた。でも、彼のことが好きだった。洗脳か、恋心かそれはまだわからないけど。振られてからの約3週間の間にマッチングアプリも入れて、街コンにも2度参加して、相席屋にも行って、いろんな人と会っていろんな人と話をして、月並みだけどあの人だけではないんだなって身に染みて感じたし、あの人と同年代の人と会うたびにあの人が歳の割に超若い感性だったことも思い知らされる。あの人と出会ってから、散々と言えるほど食べた桃をまた今も食べながらこの文章を書いている。多分今年最後になるだろう生の桃。私が一番好きな果物。私の年齢すらあやふやだったあの人が、唯一覚えてくれていた私の好きなもの。振られてすぐはなんで！！ねぇ！！戻ってきてよ…って絶望の淵にいたけど、今は別れてよかったなって思ってる。話し合いともなく一方的に振られたことについては未だに納得いっていないけど。そういえば最後の最後に啖呵を切らなかった理由でもある、フクザワさんのピックは別れて10日後普通郵便で送られてきました。あの人の汚い字をみて泣きました。振られてから2度目の大泣き。でも、やっと全てが終わって、ようやく少しずつ自分自身を取り戻した気がする。私の感性は、私の感情は、私だけのもの。誰にも支配されちゃいけないもの。

[f1archives]

Charles Leclerc & Oscar Piastri talking after qualifying - Baku, September 2024

[justformula1]

Starting grid for the Grand Prix of Azerbaijan

[vhscorp]

Les regards des amoureux sont des « je t’aime » silencieux…

V. H. SCORP

[nicoscheer]

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A post shared by festis (@esfestis)

[comfortableinthesilence]

The sunset summed up the day….beautiful x

[fernand0]

Se acabó 

(2024-10-14) (2024-10-14) (2024-11-16) (2024-12-02) (2024-12-09)

[newforever]

https://ift.tt/iBdPQOq Astral Travel DylanTauber

[dailythoughtseveryday]

fuckk man i thought the wander over yonder interest would make my happy but now i am sad about the orange man!

[avalahcase]

[f1archives]

Lance Stroll in the paddock before qualifying - Baku, September 2024

[justformula1]

Top 10 for the race of tomorrow

[quandotivedodimenticodiesistere]

Non voglio più andarmene da te.

Il cuore sta in pace, gli occhi brillano ed io sorrido, sorrido tanto.

[nicoscheer]

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A post shared by OUR FEST (@ourfest.gal)

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A post shared by Bea Camiña (@produtriz)

[youjustcannotknow]

DICHOTOMY

sometimes i'm not sure what's really here and what that even means i'm not sure about anything most of the time it feels good to be sure of something to know equivocally that something will happen what does that even mean do i know? or do i not know? is the cat meowing? what if my comfort has been misplaced and i've been taught everything backwards i'm not even in this body most of the time doesn't that seem like it would tell me that something might be off? can i trust my brain? can i trust my eyes? can i trust science? can i trust religion? it's something that i can't explain it's a feeling, but it's not it's a 'vibe', but it's not it's something else entirely and all of the words that people use to describe it push me away from it it's something that must be approached like i would approach a fearful dog no eye contact. no chasing. just waiting and trust. faith makes me want to disintegrate. i haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing and once again i get trapped there sorting and filing and organizing and trying to make sense of what i call chaos but what if i have it backwards. like, what is good? what is bad? everything has multiple meanings to me that means that everything has multiple states, multiple possibilities, i am everything and nothing all at the same time, until you look at me. maybe that's why it bothers me so much when people pin expectations to me they're not seeing who i really am they're not approaching me like the scared dog that i really am they're slapping a label on me, organizing me, filing me, sorting me and i don't like it. but that's how this world is organized now, right? there's no room for me to become a cosmic whatever i have to stay pinned, like a bug under glass, so people can examine me and file me under what seems right today. how could they know? all they see is all they see. i contain multitudes; i'm multidimensional; the words come back to me in different forms, day after day. like multiple facets are reminding me day after day that i'm not alone that the long-seeming age of imprisonment will be worth it

and honestly, is it worth it? i'm still not sure i don't think i've ever been sure of that.