#99% of the time I draw from memory / imagination alone without using references - years of live-model drawing grants you this ability

[kaus-quietis]

H o p e l e s s n e s s   and   p r a y e r s for rain

[survivedposts]

I am quite shy, Non talkative person, introvert. I prefer to be alone. Most of the time i have a thought, is it all I was born with. Thinking about it I tried my best to recall all memories of childhood. But as usual no one can remember every thing from past. I was having very little memory of my childhood. Then I started gathering my memories from my relative and my parents. Of course secretly, they were not knowing the intention I was asking this details. Now its being almost 1 year analysing myself, I came to conclusion who I am. The personality i am now in and that to my childhood was totally different. Some relatives told me that I was naughty, smart most talkative and many more.... I was actually thinking to belive them or not. Because it was a totally opposite version of mine to that of now. But then i related their comments with whatever memory I was having of my past. And finally the result of this self study was that I was not born with the personality currently I am in.So there was series of incident in my life which made me like that.

I am quite introvert and can't express my feelings to anyone. Rather I fear to tell anyone what happened in my life as they can laugh at me. So I decided to write all my story step by step to express myself atleast on phone. And will continue to write this till I become the next Albert Einstein.

Till 2nd class. My life was quite ordinary like others during this phase of my life. I used to play, enjoy school and all the other stuff too. In this age, i saw my sister beaten by my mom and dad several time as she was very arrogant and stubborn.so i was quite afraid that if I do something wrong I will punished like that. The first fear of my life. But it was ok. I was able to handle it.

Then I shifted when I was in 2nd class. I had a proper school life. I was having Friends in society and school.

I was somewhat physically weak from my childhood so I was the weakest among all my friends. So I was not able to cope with there ability of playing or adventuring(climbing wall and other stuff) . But still I tried my level best. And even my voice is softer. Now all my friend use to tease me that I am like a girl. My voice is like a girl. You don't have strength. They use to call me (un-man). Initially I took it as a joke and let it go. Eventually teasing me got quite increased. I was growing along with that the teasing also increased and now it started commenting on my genitals. During that time my motivation to play with them started reducing. So I started drawing and started developing some other habits.

Some months were quite ok. But one day my Mom said " why are you sitting at home like a girl, go out and play"... That day I was in deeeeeeeep thinking, do I really behave like a girl that everyone is calling me a girl. I mostly noticed that my voice and my body language was not like a boy. Thats why it was quite noticeable by others. As my mom said I should play outside I started playing with them. But they don't stopped teasing me. I was in 5th or in 6th that time. Now at this age they found a new way of teasing me. They were forcefully showing me some nudity images and checking if there any Erection in my penis or not. And actually i was not attracted to such nudity at that age atleast so it was never happening . So now they found another way to tease me. And this was the time when I loose confidence in myself. I never discussed this problem with anyone. I was having fear talking to anyone. I was having fear that anyone will again call me girl after hearing my voice. So this was the 4-5 years journey of my becoming introvert. This is not the end of my story.

After I completed my 6th class we, whole family went shifted again as my DAD was pursuing PHD for 4 years . Actually I was relieved that I will not be tortured by my friends anymore. But the my confidence was as usual very low. The fear that someone will call me girl again was always a load on my heart. With that load I went to Nagpur. I was actually happy. Life was going ok. New school, new friend, New society. Now I was avoiding the people who can tease me. And I was trying to be like a boy which society wants. I never understood if I was weak is it my mistake. If i have soft voice is it my mistake. If I have different hobbies then where am I wrong... It was quite exhausting mentally as well as physical. Before uttering a single word i used to think atleast 100 times. Thinking about, will this word suit to be like a boy or i will be again called girl by my friends.. Some how I was building friends in school as well as in our society. And my 7th class passed OK. But what i noticed that the school I was in was the topp school in which most the students are scoring about 99% and i was an average student around 70-80%(this marks was that to because of science and maths).. Even at home parents use to compare my marks with others marks. Now the load that I have to pretend like a boy was added by another load that I also have to pretend that I am intelligent. Or i would be isolated by all my friends. And this is what happened eventually, i was isolated by other friends. So i was sitting in one corner of my class. But I was Ok with that, they were atleast not teasing me or insulting me.

Now even in our society I made some friends. I played a lot with this friends. Played throw ball, badminton etc. First year was ok. Then even this friend was calling me that you behave like a girl and all that stuff. At this stage I was totally collaped. And even sometimes some relative called me you behave like a girl. (they were telling it casually). But it reduced my morale. I was collaped mentally. I was thinking that I cannot meet anyone further.

In school along with me a pretty girl named aditi also joined the school at same day I joined. In school students actually make pair like girlfriend boyfriend on their own. And there was quite similarities in us, like skin complexion of both were quite matching. We both were fair. Even she was having mole on his face almost exactly at the same place. So all student use to tease us as a life partner. But as i was so demotivated in my life and having tremendous social anxiety that I was avoiding talking to her. Thinking even she will feel that I am Unmam.

The height happened when our class teacher ones punished our entire class to sit in a pair of girl and boy on one bench. As the student will speak less when they will sit like that. And then teacher started calling rollno of one girl and one boy randomly. And guess who was pair of mine......... My pair the the new admission girl Aditi. Now the whole class actually got the reason to tease us. I was actually not having any problem as she was sweet girl. But for the whole 2 years I was not able to gather any guts to talk to any one not even Aditi.

My routine was like going to school and sitting silently. I was not even sharing lunch. All other were eating luch together I used to sit alone. And after reaching home i used to close the door and even windows and sit alone taking book in my hand just pretending i was studying. I was actually in the phase of depression. And the main problem was no one noticed that I am in depression and even I haven't expressed it to anyone. This 2 years was without any motivation. I left all my hobbies like painting, singing, playing and the Hobbie I never known till that time was 'to find the scientific reason behind everything'. Sometime i was so feared that i was having illusion that ceiling will fall on me. I used to stare at the ceiling for whole night due to fear. My heart pumped like nothing. I was almost dead in my imagination. And I passed 10th.

Somehow I survived this depression stage. Now it was the time to go back to my place as my Dad completed his Phd. It was my 11th. I got admission in one of the college near my house. I never tried to talk to any of my friend here i was not having guts to even look at them remembering all the past. Now when I joined college even I was in depression during college. Now what I noticed that I was mentally 2-3 years smaller than everyone in college. As i was in depression for last 2 years I have not watched a single movie or match or anything normal person would do. Now I was again isolated. As I haven't talked to anyone majorly for last 2 years my communications skills was fucked up. And there was some students who were speaking in very good English. And my mind was not able to react to such high grade english.. I was always poor in English. And not communicating for 2 years made me worse.

Now i was seriously getting depressed a lot. I was literally possessed by my thoughts most of the time. The sucied thought started popping up in my mind frequently. I actually started finding ways to sucied. I actually tried some of them. But never gathered guts to complete them. And I am thankful to God that I was not having any easy way like taking poison. Or I won't be alive today to write this.

And one of my classmates named anuj who was a best friend of mine actually Helped me. Even he has gone through the depression phase. I was so relieved to find someone who can atleast understand my situation. Thanks again he was not introvert like me. Or he would never recovered from his depression. And his quality of being extrovert helped me a lot to slowly improve in my condition.

My past is only known to this friend no one else know about it.

He suggested me to write my feeling to feel better. I was writing some stuff on a paper and then tear those so no one can read it. Now after 2 years i thought of writing it again in detail in digital format, so I can refer my past. And also to remind myself nothing bad can happen than this and will help me to motivate myself.

I passed 12th with ok marks. And it was a time to decide the future. I decided to do engineering. In the beginning of 1st year of my engineering I was still analyzing myself. That friend helped to gain positivity in me. Now what I have noticed is because of my height now people don't consider me as unman. But now they call me unmatured. Because I was not good at communicating with people.

There is a very strong reason behind that. I haven't improved any of my skill in the most critical age of my life.

But i was trying to get out of my social anxiety. So I started reading about the anxiety and how to get rid of it. I found so many things about it but was not getting a proper direction to work on. I started doing meditation every morning. After doing meditation the problems of illusion was recovering. But still I was having fear of the world on one side and on other side I feel that no one in the world should be hurt from me... This feeling of no one should hurt from me make me feel guilty every single time. And even I don't have guts to say sorry or apologize for it. So this feelings actually get trapped inside me. Similarly all other emotion get trapped inside me. This emotions escapes from me only when I cry a lot... So i don't know how countless nights i have been crying. If it wasn't enough i would cry during bath. I lost contact with the 11th standard friend as we were not having phone at that time. Now I have no friends.

I actually want to discuss my feelings with someone but can't. To whom I should discuss. I really don't have a good friend to whom I can trust. I am really in a search of friend who can understand me..

I have to express myself. But i have understood that i can only express myself if i am well prepared for taking with people. If i am not prepared and if i fumble then it will again increase my anxiety.

Now I have decided to prepare myself. Thinking on what aspects I have to work. I have found the most important is the social awareness. As i rarely interacted with the society, friends there is huge gap created between them and me. I have no topic to discuss when any discussion is going on. So generally what i found out in friends the general discussion are about movies, matches, games or something like it.... So if I have to communicate efficiently with them I will have to be touch with all movies and entertainment stuff... The second problem I am facing is English. I am generally not able to express my feeling and if I have no words to express it then it becomes worst. I literally become so nervous when someone speaks in English to me. I cant even stand there. My hands and foot become cold. I shiver. All negative thoughts flashes in my mind. So if I have to overcome from this I have to work on my English without fail.

One of my friend Ankeeta reads lots of books. Just while general discussion with her I found that her English was mind-boggling. I gathered all my guts to talk to her about how she was good at english. She said she read lots of book. And one more point I found out from it was we get good knowledge and topics to talk when we read book. So I started reading a book she suggested. The English level of that book was for advanced people. I actually used dictionary after every 5 to 10 words. My interest of reading book was reducing. I was not able to complete even a single chapter. I started searching how to improve English skills. Some of the ideas i liked and was simple to implement. They suggested to start thinking in English. I tried it but it was not that easy to leave mother tongue and think in English. So I decided to summarize my entire day and planning about next day in English. I practiced it for atleast 1 month. I found that, now i was not translating from marathi to English but directly thinking in English. My motivation was building up and also my attitude was becoming positive.

Due to this positive attitude now I was able to find what potential I was having. I am having so many abilities but never looked at it. The most important ability of mine was able to analyse things. Specially related to science field. I found my hobby which was in me from childhood but never noticed it. I was always observing all machines and was imagining how it might be working. I still remember when I was in 3rd or 4th class I was trying to figure out how water cooler machine works. According to that age i imagined it. And now when I am doing my engineering in which I am studying in detail about it. I was shocked i imagined it almost correctly. If I could imaging the stuff which is taught in engineering in 4th class then I am definitely having a good ability to do something good. This thought increased my motivation to 200%.

Even I am working to improve my condition and my motivation has increased. But still in my inner mind there is some sort of fear. Because of this fear, in every situation my brain think of am i behaving like girl,will someone call me girlish again. Even While choosing cloths, same thought don't allow me to select it properly. Really this is super exhausting. I have realised that mind can really make me tired.

Giving opinion about me is different and making fun of it beyond limit actually kill us from inside this is what i have experienced from my experience. I hope this never happens to any one in the world.