#AND I NEED TO REMIND MYSELF THAT EVERYTIME I JUST DOODLE SOMETHING IS GOOD!!! NO MATTER QUALITY

[chickenchirps27]

Woe. Sun sketch befall you

[marrys-dream-world]

lovers alone wear sunlight (chapter four)

Chapter One  Chapter Two  Chapter Three

Read on AO3

Notes: There’s ladynoir angst because this is a season 4 fic, I don’t make the rules. So it’s the ladrien/ladynoir chapter (you’ll get your turn, Marinette). This is where the fic starts to tie itself together so you should read the previous chapters first. This is for Day 4: Disguises @ladrienjune

Adrien Agreste had no reason to be upset.

His father had breakfast with and even talked to him, even if the conversation was a little stilted and about the interview for the apple juice ads that would be coming out soon. He had been allowed an extra bowl of fruit, mangoes and pineapples, today and that reminded him of his girlfriend. Adrien had also gotten to school early and talked to Nino, who was making a Ladybug-themed playlist for Alya’s birthday party, which, of course, reminded him of his girlfriend too. Then, he met Aimee, who thanked him for coming to her art expo and shyly suggested that he and Marinette could accompany her to the superhero art contest she was going to participate in. He said, sincerely, that he would love to go, mind filled with red and black again.

But that was fine. He loved thinking about his girlfriend, the memory of being wrapped in her arms the night before only making his day better. 

I told them. No, that wasn’t Adrien Agreste’s problem, he had no reason to be upset. 

But it looked like Marinette had.

She looked a bit messy today and more than a little tired. It wasn’t something new, she had been like that the past week, her pigtails crooked and her usual jacket and shirt combo replaced by a comfortable sweater. What was new was the frown on her face as she stared at her locker like if she did it hard enough, it would tell her the secrets of the universe. 

“Hey, Marinette.” He said lightly, trying to not spook her. It didn’t work as she jumped a feet in the air.

“Adrien!” She exclaimed, cheeks pink. “Hi, hey, good morning, ha- how are you? Hello.”

He chuckled. Classic Marinette. “I’m fine, thanks for asking. But are you?”

She blinked slowly, looking a lot like an owl. “Am I what?”

“Fine? I don’t want to pry, but you looked like you’ve been tired all week and today you seem… well, frustrated. Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Oh, Adrien, you’re the sweetest.” Marinette said as a pretty smile blossomed on her face for a moment, before a more somber expression took over. “I just have to do something that I’m scared of doing tonight, but that’s okay, I’ll figure it out.”

“What is it that you have to do?”

She paused. “I did something hurtful to a friend, but they don’t know that yet. So I’ll tell him tonight, I can’t let this go any longer.”

I was alone with my best friend and she was being so understanding I just… told her. No, stop that, not Adrien Agreste’s problem. 

“I’m sorry, Marinette, I know you didn’t mean to hurt them.” It was true, she was one of the kindest and most well-meaning people he knew.

“But I did.” She said solemnly. “So I’m going to fix it.”

The classes passed in a blur, which was unusual to him. He found out early in his school years that being around people his age stimulated him a lot, so learning was actually fun and he understood things easier. However, his heart wasn’t in it today and he spent most of his time doodling ladybugs on his notebook and trying to pretend he wasn’t paying attention. Thankfully, Ms. Bustier didn’t try to call on him. Marinette, though, was scolded twice by the end of the day, and everytime he chanced a glance at her, she was wearing the same frown from the locker room. 

“Are you okay, kid?” Plagg had asked as soon as he arrived in his room after dinner. Alone. This morning must have been a fluke. “Look, I know you said you didn’t want to talk about what Pigtails said last night…”

“I have to finish my homework before it’s time for patrol.” Adrien said, feeling bad for cutting him off but not wanting to deal with the elephant in the room. 

“Kid…”

“I’m fine, Plagg, really. You should charge before we go.” He said, throwing a piece of camembert in his direction. 

Plagg caught but didn’t immediately start vevouring, taking his time looking at Adrien before sighting and settling inside his favorite sock. He left Adrien to staring blankly at his paper, eyes unseeing to the text in front of him. Soon, patrol hours came.

“Plagg, claws out.”

Usually, being Chat Noir felt liberating, an escape from his stifling room, stifling schedule, stifling life, but today it just reminded him of the weight on his shoulders that had bothered him all day because…

Someone knows my identity.

Chat Noir had a problem. 

“Good evening, my lady.” He purred, giving the girl in front of him a slight bow. 

A problem he wasn’t even supposed to know about yet. 

“Hey, Chaton.” Ladybug said, giving him a faint smile. If he didn't know something was wrong already, her posture would have told him. “Ready for patrol?”

It was a calm night. He jumped through roof and talked to some civilians, Ladybug checking if her anti-akuma charm worked well with Mr. Ramier and Chat Noir having an enlightening conversation with Mr. Banana about how to avoid chafing when wearing a suit for a long time. They calmed down a girl who had sprained her ankle and was crying about being benched from a track competition she would have soon, kindly promising to show up to the first competition she would have after healing. The whole time, Chat Noir could feel the glances Ladybug was stealing from his direction.

They eventually stopped at their usual rooftop, where they finished patrol if everything was fine.

“Fur-tunatelly, it looks like Shadow Moth is taking a break today. First time this week.” Chat Noir said, slumping against a wall. “All in all, it was a successful patrol.”

“Yes, it was.” Ladybug said absent-mindely, before her eyes focused again as she turned to him. “Can we talk? I have something very important to tell you.

“Of course, my lady.” He said, staring intently at her.

She took a deep breath. “I know you noticed I hadn’t exactly been myself a few weeks after we fought Miracle Queen.”

“The impromptu trips to the pool gave me a hint.”

Ladybug snorted. “Not one of my best moments. I wasn’t dealing well with being the guardian, Chaton. I was always scared that Shadow Moth would find out who I was and come after me and get the miracle box and—”

“Ladybug.” He said, using the soothing tone from the night before when her breath started to pick up speed. “Count to ten with me?”

“What— I, ah… One, two, three…” And by the time she finished, she looked closer to her normal again. “Thanks, I don’t know what’s going on with me these days.”

“You’re just stressed, Shadow Moth was on a roll this week.” Chat Noir said, carefully placing a hand on her back, which she leaned into. “Go on, my lady.”

“Well, the guardian responsibilities were just eating me alive, Chat, I broke up with the guy I was dating because of all the lies and I almost lost all my friends. If I hadn’t been able to make up an excuse, I would be alone.”

“You’re never alone, bugaboo.” He whispered. “You should know you can always count on me.”

“I know. “Does she? “But it’s not the same. So when my best friend told me I could always count on her, I… I wasn’t in a good place, Chaton. I told her I’m Ladybug.”

Chat Noir looked at her blankly. Although she told Adrien that she would tell her partner today, he didn’t think she actually would. It seemed stupid in hindsight, Ladybug wouldn’t lie and he wondered why he even doubted her.

Maybe because I don’t know her as well as I thought I did. Chat Noir thought, before stomping on the bitter feelings rising in his chest.

“When did this happen?” He asked, keeping his voice carefully neutral.

Ladybug winced. “About two months ago.”

“Two months?!” This time, he didn’t have to fake his reaction. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I-I didn’t know how to tell you.” He hadn’t seen her stutter, as Chat Noir, in a very long time. Unlike other times, he couldn’t find it in himself to think it was cute. “Look, I didn’t want to hurt you…”

“This isn’t about being hurt.” Chat Noir said. From the look of her eyes, he knew she didn’t believe a word. Neither did he. “We’re partners, Ladybug, I have to know if there’s a chance of your identity being leaked.”

“She would never tell anyone.” Ladybug said, serious. But her eyes were pleading for him to believe her. “She’s the most loyal person I know.”

“But she can still get akumatized! Have you at least given her the anti-akuma charm?”

“Of course I did, I’m not stupid!”

“I’m not saying you’re stupid, I just don’t get what you were thinking! She can still be affected by akumas, we literally fought one that could force you to tell the truth. Your friend is another person Shadow Moth can make reveal your identity, which is worse than him knowing mine because you’re the freaking guardian.”

“Well, Chat Noir, it’s too late for that now.” She spat out defensively, now frowning. Never that patient, his partner.   “I told her. I didn’t plan on it, I was having a meltdown and I needed someone to know. Maybe it wasn’t the best decision, but what can I do about it?”

“You could at least pretend that you actually think I’m your partner and trust me, how about that?!”

“You are my partner and I do trust you!”

“It doesn’t feel like it! You didn’t tell me what was bothering you, you waited months to tell me someone knows your identity, the biggest security breach we could have right now, and even now, you probably won’t tell me your identity because it’s ‘too dangerous’. You won’t let me help you. Did I forget anything?”

Ladybug’s eyes were wide and her mouth halfway open, skin shades paler than it was a few moments ago. A sting of guilt made its way to his chest and for a second he wanted to take it all back, apologize, say it didn’t matter and that everything would be alright. But he didn’t, grabbing his baton instead. 

“Maybe we should schedule more solo patrols for some time, Ladybug.” Chat Noir said, taking advantage of her being shell shocked to leap away into the night. 

Usually he would take more time to enjoy the feeling of wind on his hair and the freedom of being out of his stifling house, but the suit suddenly felt confining and made him feel small. For the first time, he didn’t feel like being Chat Noir.

“Claws in.” He called as soon as he got into his room.

Plagg flew in front of him hurriedly. “Kid—”

“Not now, Plagg, please.” Adrien took a shuddering breath. It felt like it would only take a wrong touch and he would break. 

He carefully sat on his couch, staring sightlessly at the city lights from his window. His kwami had quietly, for once, inhaled a piece of cheese before settling against the crook of his neck. Adrien was truly glad he did, his whole body felt numb and the only thing grounding him was Plagg’s warmth against his skin. He spent countless hours, but probably only a few minutes in that position, before a familiar sound of knocking brought him out of it.

There stood in front of his window, Ladybug.

“Ladybug?” He said softly, opening the window. Plagg, way ahead of him, was nowhere to be seen. She immediately jumped into his arms, sobbing. "What 's wrong?”

“I messed up, Adrien.” She managed to say through her tears. “I went all wrong with this and I hurt Chat and now he hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you, my love.” He didn’t even know how to. 

“Yes, he does! He doesn’t want to patrol with me anymore! He doesn’t want to see me.”

Adrien winced. That had been something he said because he knew it would hurt her at least a fraction of what he was feeling at that moment. 

“He didn’t mean it like that, Ladybug, he probably just needs time.” He said. “Chat Noir just needs time to… to…”

To his embarrassment, tears started to pool in his eyes.

“Adrien?” Ladybug said, raising her head from his chest. “Is everything okay?”

He meant to say yes, really, he did. But as soon as he opened his mouth, he sobbed and his legs decided to stop working. Ladybug reacted fast, supporting him with her strong arms and guiding them both to the couch. 

“Shhh, it’s okay, my prince, it’s okay.” She said, hugging him tightly. Her comforting expression was at odds with her red and tear streaked face. 

“I-I’m sorry—”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” She said firmly. After a few moments of him crying in her arms, she said. “Tell me what happened?”

“I had a fight with a f-friend.” He said vaguely.

“Nino?” Adrien shook his head. “Hum, Marinette?”

He shook his head again and she hesitated, probably because he only had four friends and two he wasn’t on speaking terms with. Poor, lonely Adrien Agreste, she must be thinking. 

“A friend from work.” He said. “We´ve been working together for almost a year now and I thought we were on the same page on our friendship, but I guess not.”

“I’m sorry, my prince.” She said softly, running her hands through his head.

I can’t look at you right now. He thought. 

Please don’t ever leave. He also thought. 

“We’ll fix it.” Adrien said, leaning into her touch. “Don’t worry about it, my love.”

Just not today. He thought, as he held the reason for both his pain and joy in his arms. 

[frutavel]

tell us about Zantari, king (favorite thing about them???)

YOU

YOU HAVE OPENED THE FLOODGATES

Zantari, the Pathfinder, Mahamba's chosen, my main man, the one and only Tari Rosetusk.

My favorite thing about him is everything. He's my main for a reason!

His history as a character is a huge mess, but to sum it up - he started as an alter ego for another character, and ended up becoming his own thing. He gave me (and still gives) many headaches over the years, but in the end I managed to turn him into something solid that gives me the UwUs.

Today's Tari is a horrifying amalgamation of everything I love. He's a chill, sleepy dude with an unbreakable devotion to what he believes in, an undying passion for what he holds dear, and who's shamelessly in love with life, no matter how bad it gets. He looks like just another hippie and he kinda is, but he has a handful of secrets that set him apart.

Tari is wholly himself, and he's also whatever other people see him as - the weird plant dude, the crazy crocolisk guy, the sleepy man you can stumble upon in the woods, the terrifying hunter. They're a part of him, and he defines the whole on his own terms. He's just a little creetchur, he cannot change this.

He's not flawless, but nobody is. He could be a little more trusting towards others, he could work on his honesty politics, he could improve his communication skills, but patience. He can't fix all his flaws overnight, and he doesn't expect anyone else to.

He doesn't expect anything of anyone, and he doesn't trust them to come through for him, so he usually ends up alone.

Under all those good vibes he's hiding tons and tons of anger, guilt, and most of all regret. He has his coping mechanisms to deal with all of those, he can manage them pretty well on his own, and in the off case that he can't...

Well, if he goes deep enough into the nearest woods there'll be no one around to worry hear him screaming.

They won't even notice he's gone.

One of his favorite things in the world is food. He's a bottomless pit and he'll eat literally anything you give him no matter how weird it is. Tari likes cooking himself, and he's pretty decent at it! He specially likes spicy foods, and pandaren cuisine has a very, very special place in his heart. However, his all time favorite snack is moss. Readily available almost everywhere, easy to collect, and (he says) tasty like nothing else. Plus, it's extra hydration (drink your water).

He's also a huge fan of fruit, especially the extra juicy ones like mango. He makes a mess everytime but at least he has fun!

Tari also sleeps a lot, but he has no sleep schedule. He will just take a 12 hour nap and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to do crime. He has a habit of falling asleep everywhere, especially on tree tops.

Currently he mostly falls asleep in his own little house, which he shares with Zai, my zandalari druid and his partner. He loves her more than anything else, more than his pets, more than food, more than himself. The feeling is mutual :)

He strings up little charms on trees he napped on, nobody really knows it they're magic or not or why he does it. He makes the charms himself! He has 4 crocolisks and they all shed a lot of teeth, plus his teroclaw is in the middle of shedding his baby feathers so he even has some extra flair to it. All he needs is to tweak some twigs into funny shapes, shove shiny rocks, the teeth and the feathers on them and it's ready to go. His and Zai's house is also full of these little charms (and plants, because Zai adores plants and so does he. Their home is almost a mini jungle)

His theme song is Toes , which is also one of my all time favorites. He has other songs that fit his vibe, because we all do, but this one is the perfect feeling for Tari.

Tari is an artistic soul, he loves to create. Other than the charms he also likes drawing, especially plants and flowers. When he's around people long enough he'll draw them too. He has a little sketchbook he adds pages to whenever they start running out, the thing's thicker than his arm by now and keeps growing. He likes drawing from life but he doesn't stress too much about it, art is a pastime that's supposed to be fun (this is a callout to myself)

He also plays the guitar and he has a pretty nice singing voice! He learned it from his dad, one of his fondest childhood memories is sitting by the fire with his siblings while their dad sung them a lullaby.

He has no voiceclaim as of today, but it's okay. Tari is not much of a talker, he'd much rather let someone else speak for him.

I have so much more to say about my boy, but this is long enough as is. I finish reminding everyone of how much I love Zantari and that I am 100% feral for him. He's my prodigy.

No doodles to accompany this ask because talking aboht Tari awakens such powerful feelings within my little heart I am working on a full illustration to go with it. He deserves it.

Thank you so very much for asking! Here's a chibi art of Tari and Zai while we wait for the bigger picture :D

(Please note: Very Old Art tm)

[artsy-alice]

Thoughts on Klance?

Okay. Y’all know what. I’ve been receiving a shit ton of asks about this ship since I started occasionally posting Voltron doodles and fic a year ago.

I’ve answered this question before.

So yes. I answered about three. I tend to ignore and delete the rest, because besides supporting art and writers I like, I really don’t get involved with the fandom. I get perhaps second or third-hand vagues and salt in my dash but that’s about all the drama I get, and I usually don’t care for them.

Unfortunately I let my asks pile up for like two weeks and I’m still seeing message about this??? So I’m just gonna up and go answer some of them here and then I will not be answering asks about this ship anymore. Frankly, my inbox is a mess of doodle requests, fic and OC questions, and I don’t need repetitive asks mixing in with things I actually give a shit about. So-

I don’t hate it. I just don’t ship it. I don’t even type the word, or browse the tags. All mentions of Klance in my blog had been brought up by other people and not by me. I know some people who ship Klance, some of them long-time friends of mine, and we’ve all easily acknowledged our different shipping preferences as decent people do. When we talk about Voltron we talk about the plot and not about the ships.

I don’t hate Klance. It’s a valid ship.

Not in my opinion. The only similarity I can see is that both pairs are teenagers who are close in age and they fall under the ‘opposites’ trope. That’s it. Stingue is a ship I am very fond of, and they’ve had an established, supportive and solid partnership since day one. That is not a dynamic Keith and Lance have in the current canon.

I’ve also gotten asks like this that compare Klance to Korrasami, Zutara, etc etc… Stop. Liking one will not automatically make me like the other.

God. Ok. I don’t ship Sheith instead of Klance. It’s not that I don’t ship one because I already ship the other. It doesn’t work that way. I ship Sheith. I don’t ship Klance. It’s not necessarily one causing the other.

Which leads me to this one ask–

In canon, no. I think it’s been stated by the creators that it wasn’t even a ship they expected or something? In fics, sure, I guess. I’ve read fics that made even the rarest pairs work. So why not?

And. Fine. Frankly speaking? I don’t want it to happen. Not because I ship another ship.

You want to know what I think, and how I see this? Fine, I’ll get personal. It makes me uncomfortable: watching Keith and Lance, with their relationship that’s been portrayed in canon so far, and thinking that it’s supposed to be interpreted as leading to romance later on? Nope, not here for that. 

I like Lance, I like his character and his growth - but he had been a bully to Keith even until S3, even while Keith was so visibly mourning and under pressure.

I’m speaking from experience here. Keith is my favorite character because I can relate to him so much - and I’ve been treated like how Lance treated him early on. I’ve experienced my share of being bullied. I cringed every time Lance shot Keith down rudely, interrupted him, or mocked what Keith said. I’ve experienced one-sided rivalry, people accusing me of showing off when really I was just trying to do my thing. I’ve been in Keith’s shoes, put in a position of leadership I didn’t want but couldn’t refuse, and it hurts when you’re just trying your best under pressure but someone constantly reminds you that you’re not qualified. I’ve been a top student who failed on something I worked hard for - and it’s a fucking blow to the face when someone constantly reminds you of that failure. So yeah, everytime Lance just pointed out that Keith ‘washed out’, that one time he savagely said, “Whatever, dropout.” - those times hit me hard. More so now that we know Keith dropped out because of what happened to Shiro. This is not just my Sheith shipper talking. It’s canon that Shiro is a very important person for Keith. Imagine failing on the one thing you’re really good at because of the grief that came with losing a loved one, now imagine someone you don’t even know judging you and rubbing that failure in your face with no remorse. I don’t even know how Keith managed to keep to himself after that.

I know people change and grow. I know Keith and Lance have become closer and have come into some sort of understanding as the series progressed. I love that, really. I like their growing friendship! But that’s not enough to warrant an eventual romance. For me, I’ve moved on from the people who have treated me badly. Some of them I can even call friends now because they’ve grown too, and I can smile and laugh with them when we’re together. I’m not angry nor resentful, not anymore - but there’s a distance that remains there. For me there’s already a distinction between the friends who had once treated me horribly but changed, and my other friends who had only ever been supportive and loving towards me. If I were Keith, Lance would fall under the former category, and I wouldn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with that kind of weight.

Some fans have chosen to notp Sheith or Shidge because they’re uncomfortable with the age gap. It’s not that they think it’s wrong, but it’s just not their thing. That’s how I feel about Klance, in general. It makes me uncomfortable because of my experiences with a relationship like theirs. Do I hate the ship for that? No. But I ain’t going anywhere near it. I reserve my right to distance myself from it.

There are more asks like these, but they’re almost all the same questions and I am going to delete them all after posting this. Look, I’ve done about more than a year’s worth of sighing everytime a question like this pops up in my inbox. It’s annoying, and it’s about a ship that, at best, I don’t care for. So this will be my final post about Klance. Messages about this ship will be ignored and deleted from now on. I hope you guys understand. I’m just plain tired of it.

Have a good one, pala-dudes.

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

[franeridart]

WHERE IS LAVI

Sadly all my magic rituals to try and scry directly inside Hoshino’s mind haven’t worked just yet, so I can’t answer this question - also, looks like DGM isn’t in the line-up for Jump SQ Crown this month either :( so we won’t know for at least another four months still - since Lavi’s my absolute most fave and thinking about the situation he’s in makes me feel literal pain and no actual solution to it seems to want to come any time soon, I try to think about it as little as I can. After six years of waiting for him denial has become my best friend, anon 👍

Anon said:DID YOU SEE MY SON BEING CARRIED AROUND I LOVE HIM SO MUCHH

I’m gonna assume you’re talking about Shinsou! He was adorable, but lbr the habit Horikoshi has of having him and Tetsu always appear together kind of takes all my possible hype away from Shinsou to direct it on the shark child. I hope Horikoshi will stop doing that, actually

Anon said:Lmao, in the coffee shop au I noticed you drew Kaminari with his hair shorter in the back - did you do that so you could avoid drawing a mullet? I cry

Actually!!! I hadn’t thought about that! But there had to be a reason why he looked better like that JK I love Kaminari’s hair and haircut, he’s the only child I’m gonna accept having a sort-of-mullet and still looking fine as hell - it’s because his hair looks so soft? And silky? I kinda wanna braid it I should draw him with his hair braided

Anon said:You know, after last chapter, seeing Kirishima reassure Midoriya and telling him not to talk negatively about himself takes a whole new meaning. This boy, he really cares so much about other people than himself

I wouldn’t say he cares more for others than himself, but he definitely does have different standards for others compared to those he uses on himself - then again, isn’t that just how people with low self-esteem always act? BUT!!! I have all the good reasons to think that Bakugou’s words have significantly lessened Kirishima’s inferiority complex about his quirk (because I’m locating that chat before the license exam and when you think about it since around then Kiri has been acting more confidently !!!) so I don’t think you should worry too much anymore! Kirishima has Bakugou and Bakugou has Kirishima and they keep each other good and positive and that’s beautiful and I’m alive

Anon said:What is your full name, if you don’t mind me asking??

Why anon, isn’t Fran enough for you? *wiggle eyebrows* kidding, I’m assuming all my Italian friends have guessed already since it’s a pretty common name so it’s cool, you can know, my full name is Francesca. Though I’d really prefer it if you’d keep on calling me just Fran 👍 

Anon said: Why are you so perfect

Hah I’m really, really, really not anon

Anon said: Honestly their hairs are so amazing in the last one and i absolutely love the way you never do the prompts the way they are expected and idk if you do it on purpose but its just amazing

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much????? And I wouldn’t say I do it on purpose, I just draw the first thing with a beginning and an ending I can manage to think about (fun fact, sometimes I deem the first thing too ridiculous or not good enough and I try to think about something else but by then the idea is there and I won’t be able to draw anything else r i p)

Anon said:Geez when Kiri called Baku manly and cool I was just like “end me” how did I not realize how precious he is in s1? He’s so frikkin adorable!

He doesn’t really do much in s1!!! But he is adorable isn’t he??? He’s the sun of my life I love him so much bless his gay heart

Anon said:I LOVE HOW YOU DRAW KUROO

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:I hope your happy you jelly bean! I started to watch boku no hero to understand the poly ship you ship. Now I can escape this hell cause I know I’ll read the manga next!

I actually am really damn happy!!!!! I hope you’ll enjoy it all till the very end if you do catch up, anon!! Come back and tell me who your fave is, once you’re done °O°

Anon said:Hinata forgot to spike the ball

HE DID I can’t believe that small adorable disaster of a boy how is he even still a regular oh my g O D I love him so much I can’t believe him what a good (mostly tho, he jumped like Hoshiumi holy FUCK I can’t wait to see that one work for him !!!)

Anon said:there’s a terushima week coming up soon?? might we see a cute bokuroteru maybe? :O

Since I’m literally just finding out about this, like, right now and the week starts in about three days or something I can’t really promise I will participate in it, anon ;;;—;;; I don’t have the time to plan for it at this point and in the same period there’s the bakushima week too (which I… still haven’t drawn anything for r I P) and !!!!! It’s just too little time BUT next month it’s polyship may!!! One prompt per day for the whole month and it’s all about polyships, I plan on drawing small doodles for all of them, or at least try, and bokuroteru will DEFINITELY be between the ot3s I’ll draw for!!!! I hope that’s good enough for you :( I’m actually so damn sad I just found out about this ;;;-;;;

Anon said:i think i’m in love with your art (especially youre bakushimanari and your bokuro to be honest !) because everytime i go on your blog i stay here for hours and hope it never end ! well, thank you for sharing all those cute art with us !! ♥

AHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! I’m glad I can make you enjoy my lil blog that much??? This actually made me so happy oh my god (////▽////)

Anon said:How on Earth does Bakugou fit his giant bracers in the tiny briefcase thingy the school gives them to keep their costumes in, do you suppose?

The cases are bigger on the inside *doctor who theme playing in the distance* either that or he’s actually Mary Poppins, which wouldn’t be all that bad would it I’m laughing lmao

(when you think about it really huge costume pieces fit in a few other kids’ cases too - take Iida and Aoyama, or Kirishima’s gears, or Ochako’s arm pieces - so I’m just assuming the support kids are really really crafty… and Bakugou’s gauntlets can probs disassemble, he must take forever to gear up)

The real question here is why Hagakure needs a case at all

Anon said:now that i started reading bnha i appreciate your art alot more. I already loved your art even though i didnt know who all the character were who werent from voltron or hq

Ahhhhh thank you so much!!!!! I really really hope you’ll like the manga at least enough to keep reading, anon!!! <3<3<3

Anon said:I know it’s so rude but, is it somethin’ about Kuroo/Bakugou that makes Bokuto/Kirishima get hot to trot?

ANON I’m sorry but I can’t let myself answer even just vaguely nsfw asks - I just, even though I might have headcanons for these there is a certain line with nsfw I’m really not comfortable crossing and once you start answering this kind of questions it’s hard drawing that line and making it so that you’ll always be sure it will be respected and I just… really don’t want to get to the point where one day I’ll open my inbox and find something I’ll feel really uncomfortable with? Does that make sense??? aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! I hope you’ll understand ;;-;;

Anon said:Bokutitties. what even. Reminds me of the Shimada brothers (do you play Overwatch??) and their left nipple that is always exposed

I don’t, but most of my dash does so I get what you’re talking about lmao I can 100% assure you it was an accidental coincidence, anon haha

Anon said:okey okey do i was thinking about your art of bakugou being cold and shit and i. i came up with this idea like, what if baku is that sort of person who hates socks? so hell go complain to kirishima and or kaminari about being cold and theyll just go; …..put on some goddamn socks

!!!!!!!!!!!! Anon you wanna know the best thing about this? If you keep an eye out for all the times you can see Bakugou’s ankles in the manga it seems like he actually never wears socks I’ll cry forever your headcanon might as well be canon what a blessed moment 

Anon said:I see and accept your hero course sleeplessness and would like to raise it to the teachers giving puppet/shadow shows.

….you can’t make a shadow show without Tokoyami getting involved so I’ll assume he’ll find a way to wiggle into it too, and he’d bring Shouji with because his quirk could help - I bet my head you can’t have Aizawa participate even offering to pay him, and also that it probably started from Mic because he’s extra like that

most enthusiastic participants would be Snipe and Toshi, Cementoss would have no problems with it either and his quirk is handy for cool effects, Midnight is kind of live and let live about the whole deal but doesn’t mind stopping by to look at them making fools of themselves now and again - most of the students are like ???? why tho the first time because they aren’t kids anymore and there’s no reason for this, Iida though doesn’t even question sitting through the whole thing because it’s their teachers and it’s just the right thing to do, Izuku does the same but just because All Might, Ochako stays because Izuku and Iida stay, same for Todoroki, and if Ochako stays so does Tsuyu - Kirishima and Mina are the only actually enthusiastic ones out of Baku’s group but they got a way to bring all of the squad together for it anyway, Baku included, they’re noisy and pushy just enough for that… actually when I think about it in the end everyone would stay at least the first time for one reason or another , and then the show starts, and it’s with quirks and really out of scale on the special effects  with microphones and bgm and shifting stages and so on and this was supposed to help the students with sleeplessness but at this point it’s just the teachers having fun and together with them the kids as well no one goes to sleep any time soon when they put together a show lbr

[youllneverknowmysecretidentity]

There’s a god in the mountains

I used to look at the world as something that revolves around me, people walked around me and disappeared from the worlds equation when I put them out of view, I forgot that 7 billion hearts are out there thinking the same as me. However, we are so small and insignificant. The woods hold ancient stories, sounds, and reasoning. I always loved the idea of woods but was never a keen outdoorsman. I stayed in my room pretending I was meant to be something bigger. The day I entered the woods was the day I realized I was minuscule and powerless. The day was hot, muggy, and sunny. Foliage was active and colored. I remember being lost from exposed nerves and emotions, I must have been like a signal beacon to every supernatural power in the region. I hated the radio, playing the same noise with no experimentation or variety, just the same sex drugs and heartbreak message over again. I felt sick as it reminded me of utter loneliness and how lost I was in mother nature’s cavernous being. I remember the feeling of reality being altered as I opened the car door and stared into the trail head. The woods itself seemed to expand when I tried to look further down the trail, ignoring the feeling I packed up and walked. No matter how relaxing the forest may seem to be or how ‘helpful’ it would be for me to get some fresh air as my mother and father put it. I couldn’t seem to make my mind silent, too many memories of my past Friday played in my head on what seemed to be the highest volume setting. Visions of my friends seemingly becoming more and more concerned, visions of a past lover and toxic words spewed to the masses, the feeling of utter loss. I was now alone, before, I was happy with my friends and family and then a past soul decided his own little world was more important and cost me a few friends and a few nights I could have been sleeping. The past week has been compiled of me barely talking at my practices and throwing myself into work. I honestly could not remember the last time I ate a proper meal or even bothered to function on anything other than caffeine and the occasional bummed smoke off of one of the few friends I had left. I still remember the concern laced on Lauren’s and Grady’s face as I shakily inhaled from the cigarette. Before I knew it, I was crying in the middle of the damn woods. I didn’t realize my wailing could be heard a mile away. This is where the world truly became bigger. First it was the noise, it usually is loud and constant in the forest but the forest silenced and became dead; strangely enough the silence was calming and shut down my mind for a beat. As I walked deeper i noticed the second sign, the air had a mix of metallic and floral smell, as if someone put honey suckle and jasmine on a pile of pennies. The third and final sign was the breathing, it sounded like a powerful gust of wind, but as it continued in beats and was felt on my back, I knew it was breath from a powerful set of lungs. I stopped mid walk, too paralyzed to turn around. Growing up I believed in ghosts, monsters, and anything that could be terrifying. I never thought I would ever encounter one however. The breathing soon became quieter and less heavy but still ever present and hot on my neck. At the moment I did not realize tears were still falling down my face and dripping on the ground. The breathing figure seemed to notice as I felt the breath fan down as if the head had turned to watch the ground. This movement gave me the courage to do a 180 and see my worst fear. What I saw changed my life forever. Behind me was a mixture of creatures, as tall as a grizzly bear but with the head of a lion, wings on an eagle, and black fur adorning its powerfully built body. I was shocked but the size and energy it gave off. It noticed me turn around and looked into my eyes, my soul changed in its holder, blue eyes with hints of forest green that held eternity behind them. My soul felt lifted with this creature, like we had both floated in an endless timeless eternity, but not lost; instead held and whole like I had found a missing piece in my puzzle. It tilted its head and watched me with almost innocent curiosity. The power it exuded was like none other, that moment I knew I was only a small variable in a big universe. I felt worthless compared to this creature. So I did what any sensible human does when threatened with harsh truth, I ran. I felt the earth tremble and heard a deafening roar, running was my only purpose as I outran probably every Olympic record in existence just to get to my car and home. Seeing the trailhead made me release a whimper of excitement. Unlocking my car and hopping in I sped down the old road to home before even checking for oncoming traffic. The drive home consisted of my wiping my never ending tears and nearly puking three times. But, the farther I got away from the creature, the more detached I felt from myself, as if I lost part of me. I blame the fear and adrenaline but boy was I in for a surprise later on. That night I was plagued with dreams of a dark and deep voice saying my name, a strong hand reaching and a flash of eagle feathers on a necklace. When I woke, I had felt more refreshed than having slept for 100 nights. The drive to school was filled with unclean paranoia and everytime I passed even the smallest patch of wood, I felt as if I was watched. Finally parking and getting out of my car, I was calmly slapped by reality. “Hannah!” I turned to see my beautiful friend Lauren and her boyfriend Grady walking along side the girl. I smiled my best smile and greeted her. “How was your weekend? Grady told me you went on a hike to clear your head, I hope you feel better last week was shit.” “I guess, the walk was okay I guess, I stopped having issues sleeping so maybe that’s a plus” Grady smiled and quipped back, “good cause you owe me a fuck ton of cigarettes.” Our group laughed and it was almost enough to drown the sound of tires squealing into the parking lot of a not so friendly car, Lauren looked back and scoffed “god I hope he never drove like that with you in the car” I shrugged and looked at the car, “we should get inside.” She nodded and we began our trek to class. I was lucky to have shared several periods with Grady that day and a lunch period with the both of them as well. During my TA I caught myself doodling the creature, too much emphasis on the eyes, too much power in those paws. I felt a dirty presence behind me and breath on my shoulder. “So, you done being a bitch about what I said?” I turned around to see C. C was an ex lover, my first true boyfriend, my first sexual encounter, and the reason I vowed to never wear rose colored glasses again. “I’m not being a bitch C, I’m just simply being human. You should try it sometime.” He scoffed and sat beside me, “look Hannah, I was simply giving you advice, you need it, look at you. Also, eventually you’re going to have to stop being so rude and actually act like we’re friends instead of bossing me around and giving me a cold shoulder.” I laughed a poisonous laugh and turned to him. “Funny, last time I checked, we’re not friends, you’re not my captain, and you act like a half wit child so I have every right to be the way I am!” I turned and packed my belongings quickly but before I could make it past the table he grabbed my arm and I looked down to him. Most people would describe him as a typical athletic teen boy, tall, scrawny, blond hair, blue eyes, and a fake arrogance clouding his teenage lust and insecurities. To make things worse he was ridiculously academically smart, which got to his head enormously. “Hannah, remember that night we broke up? I told you I still cared for you and valued your friendship, please don’t act like this. It’s making me look bad.” All the rage of the heavens filled me, I ripped my arm from his grip and got uncomfortably close, “good, it’s about damn time the world knew what a fuckin jack ass you are.” Speed walking out I managed to bump into Ava on the way through, unfortunately causing some things to spill from my bag including the sketches of the creature. She quickly picked up my things muttering quick apologies and looked at my drawings. “WOAH dude! These are so cool! That looks like that one creature I saw in a book!” I looked at her and opened my eyes wide,” from where?” “A book on like mystical beings and stuff, it’s pretty cool, I got it at home. That monster was honestly the coolest one.” “What kind of monster is it??” She thought for a minute and ran a hand through her bright pink hair, “it’s a he, and I think he was like a protector of something.” She offered me a smile and handed me my book, “well I was just curious, I saw him online and thought he was pretty so I sketched him.” “Oh cool dude, also are you okay you seem kinda frazzled, is it C again?” “I guess, I stood up to him which felt good, I’m trying to not let him own me” “good, you’re better than him anyway.” I smiled a forced smile thinking of yesterday and how small I felt to the creature and his presence. I nodded and said a quick goodbye before rushing to my fourth hoping for my day to end fast. The drive home was filled with silence as I watched the road in front of me, protecter of what? Was Ava saying that THAT creature was supposed to be a protection god, I remember reading an article about protection gods. According to mythology they were supposed to be specific to certain types of things but often would have cases of them getting attached to certain objects or groups that had celestial value or power. If the legends are true, why would he be here? Arriving to my room I dumped my bag out and found my sketch, I eyed it before grabbing my phone and calling Ava. “Hey dude what’s up?” “Where was that creature we were talking about from?” “Oh that guy lemme check, it says it’s from Europe it’s a English god to be exact, which is weird because England was a Christian area but whatever. Why?” “Oh just curious, I kinda wanted to do more drawings and research it more” “oh cool! It’s name is chosantóiran I think it means protector, it’s Irish descent but the legend was strongest in England.” “Huh, thank you so much Ava.” “No problem dude, let me know if I can help with anything else” I said a goodbye and hung up, I stared at my wall “chosantóiran.” I now have my name, now to find the beast. A WEEK LATER The school week had passed and fall break was among the masses, horns honked, kids cheered, and my classmates discussed the final plans to their senior trips. I looked down at my shoes and thought, about my senior trip plans. Hunting a legend, he was out there and I didn’t care if I was going alone. I knew I was gonna find something. Behind me Lauren talked and Grady replied, “Hannah, earth to Hannah.” I snapped out of my daze and looked back smiling apologetically. She smiled and patted my shoulder,” get some beauty rest and relaxation for the break, and call us to hang out, you need to heal.” She patted my shoulder again and walked off waving. I looked back at the ground and gasped, sat in a puddle of crystal clear rain water was a singular golden eagle feather. Picking it up I examined it, it was way too big to be a normal eagle feather. My target was watching me. The following days consisted of endless computer research and writing, but, just enough downstairs time to not make my parents suspicious. “You know Hannah, I think you’re doing quite well considering what’s been going on.” My dad said over Monday breakfast, I habitually got up early to prepare for a day of studies but was met with my father putting food in my face and giving me a hefty amount of black coffee. The gesture was kind, so I took it. “Yeah I guess, just keeping occupied with much better things.” I replied before taking a bite of egg smothered toast. “Work is always good.” He then stood up and placed his plate in the sink before patting my shoulder and leaving for work. I stared at the door before I ate the rest of my food and moved to my room. My desk was covered in papers and sticky notes, I looked at them closely. I can’t truly find answers until I go to the beast itself. Piling my papers together and putting them in a neat pile I got out some gear before hopping in the shower and washing up. Hopping out and changing I heard my mom walk up the short staircase to my room “whatcha doing?” I turned to her and smiled, “I’m thinking of going on another hike today at round lunchtime, is that okay with you?” She nodded and then crossed into the laundry room to fluff the latest load. I sat back at my desk and wrote plans and side plans. The clock beeped and it was time. I packed a small bag and bid my mom goodbye and promised to be careful. I smiled while getting in my car, strict parents never failed in their habits. Driving to the spot was easy enough, finding the creature would be the hard part. I must have walked the woods for three miles never once feeling or hearing a sign. Then an idea bloomed. “chosantóiran” I chanted. The air changed, I chanted two more times and then another for good measure. Still no more signs but at least the air seemed different. I walked further and then I heard it a crunch. It sounded far but then another followed just behind me. I turned and saw nothing, turning back I was met with eyes. The green blue eyes of him. I felt my soul lift again but before I could run or be caught in a dangerous trance I shook my head and stared back attempting to give off the power he had. He tilted his head curiously and almost playfully. I felt humiliated, before I could give into instinct and run, he shifted. He stepped closer to me, he snuffed and then put his powerful nose into my air and sniffed. Leaning back the creature sneezed and blinked. “Glad I smell like shit.” He blinked again before I saw his skin shift again, I gasped. The skin then stared to shift and shrink. The creatures body balled up and changed. Wings disappeared and paws turned into hands. Slowly standing up, I saw my death. His eyes were the same, but his body was not, he was averagely tall, not too tall but taller than me, he was muscularly built, he had a strong thick beard that seemed well trimmed, his hair was brown and shaggy yet slicked back, his lips were plush and pink like the visual representation of temptation, he stood with an air that said sureness but still was gentle and non intrusive, finally his smell was the same as before but stronger and with a hint of musk. He was a masterpiece, I felt weak in my knees, then he spoke. “Why are you coming back to me?” A deep British accent that seemed aged like whiskey in an oak barrel. I felt my throat close but my mouth water. He raised his eyebrows, “oh, sorry, I just..... was i don’t know.” He tilted his head, his eyes held understanding yet patience and warmth. My knees got weaker. “You’re an interesting human, your soul is so powerful.” I nodded “sure, coming from a literal god” he chuckled and looked at his feet, “to humans im a god, to the other gods im simply a beast. My name is actually Mullen. The other name was just part of the tale.” I nodded and smiled, “my name is Hannah, my name is just, my name.” He chuckled, “ that’s what I like about humans, they get to start without a story.” I nodded and sat on a log. Minutes of talking turned into hours and eventually I had to go home, his eyes held sadness but understanding. I was sad to leave him but I didn’t want to face the wrath of missing dinner so I headed home. My evening later was filled with random moments of smiling and thinking back to the conversations we held so strongly. The vivid memory of us climbing and tree together and his body being close to mine for only a few seconds. I’m in trouble now.

[phvraoh]

9/27/17-A Love I Want

As far back as i remember, everytime i look at the sky it reminds me of so many memories. Memories of what now are broken relationships, some people i dont even talk to anymore, but each time i make a new memory i get scared that’s all it will ever be, a memory. Im scared to ever give myself away or feel vulnerable ever again. Sure, people want me, but i dont want them. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to ever think of the concept of love. All i ever took away from it was that you open up to someone, they become a very important part of your life, you cling on to them, they get mad and they end up leaving your life. Its an endless cycle of heartbreak and each time it hurts more and more. I dont want to be hurt by someone ever again, but realistically for that to happen i would need to be celibate forever. I fucked up a lot in y past relationships, more than i should have. But all that self hate i developed for myself, i figured out what was healthy and what was not. I could never live down what i’ve done. Hell, i still look back on my first real relationship and think to myself “Wow, i was a piece of shit” If i didnt do what i did before, i would’ve been in something healthy. 

 I used to have so much love to give. I used to want to treat my significant other like a queen. I would want to buy her things even if she wasn’t around, big or small, anything that reminded me of her i would want to buy her. I would want to take her out on dates every weekend to remind her that she is that important to me. I would listen to her no matter what she had to say, even if she was upset with me, i would listen, accept my faults, and apologize. I would want to hold her in my arms falling asleep and wake up to her right next to me. I would want to always want to make sure she feels important and loved. For anniversary’s i would make her mix CD’s of what songs remind me of her, or take her out to her favorite restaurant, buy her favorite flowers for her, make a hand made card and draw random little doodles in the blank spaces. I would want to experience everything with them, whether its good or bad, i want to always be there for them. I would want them to be independent, so they dont ever feel tied down or feel as if they are compensating. I want them to be their whole self around me so i can love everything about them. I would want to facetime them whenever they’re free, even if its for a second so i could see their face and hear their angelic voice. On boring days we could stay in, order food, and play with our dogs. On productive days, we motivate each other to do things. 

i want to be active within their friend group. I would always invite them out with us to eat, or if they just want to hang out. I would want her to know i just dont want her to myself, but let everyone experience the joy and happiness she irradiates. I would support her no matter what, through anything she wants to do i would be there for her because thats what she really wants. I just want to love them for them, and want them to love me for me. 

If we ever fought, which is inevitable, i would keep it constructive as possible. If she needs to tell me how she feels, then im with it. If she wants to tell me how she isnt feeling special, then i’ll work on making her feel special. if she says im too clingy, i’ll work on that. No matter what, i would end every argument with an “I love you” and let her know that no matter what, i would want to work thru it.

I used to be this way, but now im just too scared to even think of being with anyone or doing this for anyone. I dont know if i could ever love again tbh.  

[adrianmariemclaughlin-blog]

7.18

A week after all the traumatizing stuff from Barcelona and I am doing AWESOME! Who knew I could survive without a phone, let alone in a FOREIGN COUNTRY! I’m proud of myself for doing this and I know my mom is probably reading these words cracking up. Hi mom. You’re right, I can live without a phone and I LOVE it! I feel like it’s giving me such a better experience here actually. I probably wouldn’t be able to do it in any other country, but since Prague is so safe and the transportation is AWESOME I’m surviving just fine. I got myself this awesome camera last week in a tiny, cute little vintage camera store I found around the corner from my work. It takes Lomography photos which kind of look like polaroids but normal size. I’ll have to go and take it developed and stuff but that’s cool with me because I think my pictures will be more special that way. The only thing I’m missing is music, but in place of this I am going to make a point to go see more live music around here! Last night, for instance, we went to my favorite bar in the world to see a jazz band. And it was such a magical experience LOL :) I love how the Czech people dance. They don’t have a care in the world and dance like literally no one is watching them. (Picture tall, lengthy skinny people swinging their arms around wildly to no beat and stepping on your toes and jumping all over the place.) Their energy is totally contagious. It’s like this everywhere you go actually. 

I’ve been focusing a lot on my classes and work this week. My teacher let me present later since I missed my flight and accidentally cried in front of him (I don’t do this on purpose but it totally seems to work every time) and I got an A!!! Not bad for being an emotional wreck. Works been going better than ever. I just love the interns so so so much. We all can’t stop talking about how much we’re going to miss each other once this ends in a couple weeks. I had the best time ever with them last week- I actually got in somewhat of a fight with my boss and stood up to him for getting mad at us about not being there when his juicer was delivered to the office (long story, he apologized though and my other czech boss sent me a message going way to go adrienne! because she still can't spell or pronounce my name). So anyways all of interns were like well... let’s go get a drink! So we found this awesome beer garden on top of this hill and then we decided to go on a beer garden quest! We went to all the huge hills here and got a beer at every place. And we just had the best conversations. I love hearing their perspectives on things. I think that’s a huge perk to being on this study abroad program. All my life I have lived in the suburbs and then gone to a college where everyone else is from the suburbs. I don’t get a lot of interactions with people from other parts of the country and we talk about everything from politics, to relationships, to just joking about the most random things in the world. Legit everytime we’re all together all we do is laugh. It’s the kind of laughing where your mouth physically hurts but you still can’t stop. The best kind.

I got to do a story this week on alchemy that is coming out in the next issue! I worked really hard on this one and I think it’s gonna be great so I can’t wait for you guys to read about it. :) I’ve realized my boss weirdly really enjoys confiding in me in things that are super personal and I shouldn’t know but I’ve gotten used to it. He vents to me about the business and asks me for my advice a lot on how to handle the interns and stuff. I just nod my head and try not to get involved. But today he told me I am one of the most hardworking interns he’s ever had and he is so proud of me and that my work has been amazing. Which is actually super awesome coming from him because he’s really picky and used to be a professor in copywriting! I just found this out recently, and I also realized that if I ask him for help he has some really good advice... like today he told me to always read my work out-loud when its finished and if it doesn’t sound like something Morgan Freeman can smoothly read, that I need to make it more concise. He used to be a millionaire and has done so many interesting things in his life and I enjoy listening to his stories for the most part but it is definitely an interesting work environment. That’s for sure.

Other new things? I’ve lost seven pounds since I’ve gotten here. I think all the walking and eating healthy (not having pasta 3 times a day like back in champaign) has been going well for me. I wake up in the morning and eat my new favorite that my Czech boss showed me (a slice of baked bread with butter, honey, and raspberries) and then I bring a salad to lunch (I have a huge obsession for chopped salads with avocados and chickpeas! SOOOO yummy!!) and then for dinner I have chicken or something. AND I DYED MY HAIR BROWN! Idk if I like it or not yet. We will see.

I’ve also started this really awesome creative project. I brought a travel journal here and I made the theme “Things I learned in Prague”. On each page, I scribble something important I learned, a quote I like, something my friends say, or a memory I have. I put a little doodle on each of the pages, too. I even have my friends here write in it so I have something to remember them by. I’ve been bringing that and my new camera with me everywhere so I can just whip them out when I get a little moment of inspiration. This is another bonus to not having a phone. I feel my creativity has totally peaked here. Every single thing interests me it’s so funny. I figured that after a few weeks here I’d stop getting that weird, tingly, happy feeling when I see something beautiful... but it hasn’t stopped. That’s what I love about Prague. It is seriously the best place in the entire world and I hope you all get a chance to come and see it for yourself. I want to save up enough money to come back in a year or two!

I also am still loving my painting class. I legit never thought I could draw anything but stick figures and it’s so cool seeing a painting come to life. I love using the paint too, the mixing process is beautiful because there’s endless possibilities of colors. And my teacher is so insightful, even if he is kind of a crack head. I know my parents are probably reading this and in their head they’re like ADRIAN! Don’t say that. But mom, dad, he is. It’s so funny. He reminds me of my boss at Features that used to start barking randomly instead of using words. He is a genius though, I’ll give him that.

I’m going to write another post in a bit about my trip this weekend to South Bohemia but I have to head over to the phone store to cancel my phone plan and hopefully file for a new phone so I can be greeted by one when I get back to the States.