#Also angles are just dope in general

[sunkissedliterarylightofchrist]

I have no meme making skills and I have no real reason or need for this meme but it would be pretty dope to have one on hand that follows the Drake format where the first one he’s waving off goes ‘Would you love me if I was a worm?’ and the second one is he smiling and pointing at ‘Would you not be afraid if I was a Biblically accurate angel?’

[asneakyfox]

The part I don't understand about the makeover plot isn't about attractiveness at all - I don't get why Stede would go along with a plan to push the sexual tension over the edge like that when he and Ed had just agreed to go slow until Ed was emotionally ready? Like it feels like that proposed plot belongs in the *very* different version of s2 that we've heard some bits of, where Ed and Stede had the longer what are we? and slow getting back together storyline not something that was cut right at the last minute before filming 2x06.

so unlike "would the plot imply ed wasn't already attracted to stede," this is something we legitimately do not know because samba didn't explain that part of it. there are multiple possibilities here. off the top of my head i can think of at least two that actually fit into the storyline (and are therefore much more likely than "the writers decided stede should decide to violate a boundary ed set immediately in defiance of literally everything we have ever known about him and only noticed this is out of character a couple days before it was supposed to be filmed.")

first it is not at all obvious to me, or i think to stede, that "take it slow" would mean "don't dress sexy enough to tempt me." i think stede might well think it means, ed is going to take the lead in deciding when or if their physical relationship is going to move forward, and while they wait for ed to make that decision, stede's role is supposed to be to court him like, you know, a gentleman - bringing him flowers and taking him on dates and asking him to dance and generally doing all he can to make ed feel cherished and courted and wooed. dressing to look as good as he can would be part of this! that's one of the classic ways you show you are Putting In The Effort for a new relationship! i don't think stede would think of putting on sexy clothes as "pressuring ed to agree to sex before he's ready" but i can easily imagine him thinking of it as "showing ed that i am putting in the effort to be the best possible boyfriend when and if he decides to grant me boyfriend status, because he deserves to be wooed by a suitor who puts in every possible effort."

interestingly i do think there's some stuff left in the season that kind of subtly points at this possible angle. for instance, this plot arc would fit really well with the stuff that's already in 2x06 where ned low accuses stede of being "like a pet" to ed and stede seems to decide to kill ned in part to disprove that; that's also him courting ed, saying "ed deserves a lover who'd kill to protect him or avenge his honor, and i'm going to show him that i can be that lover." there's also the dialogue in the "taking it slow" scene already - "you can't catch a fish unless the fish wants to be caught" / "and you're the fish?" which immediately struck me on first viewing as stede trying to cast the relationship in a traditional heteronormative courtship mode, where there's distinct roles, one person does the pursuing and the other decides when they're ready to be caught. (and of course ed immediately rejects that model - "we're the fish," i.e. the relationship is something we build together as a team - so of course the foreshadowed resolution of this would be stede realizing he did not need to think of it the way he was because ed never needed stede to court him at all, stede had already seduced ed as thoroughly as anyone has ever been seduced back in s1 just by being himself.)

second though the other possibility is we don't know if stede would have known about the intent of the makeover at all. i'm not going back to check exact wording rn but i sure don't remember samba saying anything that even hinted at that. it's entirely possible that the idea was that wee john and roach would go to stede and say "hey, you should let us pierce your ear and put eyeliner on you and give you some leather pants for no particular reason, we just think it would look dope for the party" and stede would obviously agree to this because he loves makeup and new clothes and he'd just have no idea that this was a part of a scheme that was meant to end with getting him laid.

in any case though you're absolutely right that any version of this would work much better in a longer season where there was more breathing room between "can we take it slow" and other characters deciding they cannot bear those guys taking it slow for any longer, and in fact that is one of the big reasons i was always sure there was a cut episode 5.5 even before alex sherman confirmed at the panel two weeks ago that i was right about that; the ed-stede plot in that episode surely would have been about how desperately attracted to each other they both are and how bad they were doing at taking it slow and that would make it much more understandable why everyone else on the ship would end up feeling like they couldn't take this any longer. and it's entirely possible that losing the buildup they could have done in episode 5.5 was a major factor in deciding they needed to cut the makeover entirely.

[fandaniel]

okay whatever fandaniel outfit rating time instead of getting ready for work

i cant find a full view of this outfit but honestly i kinda fuck with it as a temporary thing. i like that as ‘asahi’ he started wearing similar clothes, but instead of wearing the military fit asahi wears he goes with something almost. pompous? but torn at the ends. it reminds me of how little he cares about politics and manipulates (or tries to) those in high positions of power, no sense of loyalty to any party. i find fuck the rich behavior fun. 8/10

this might shock some but i dont really care for this outfit but i should explain why. i dont think it really shows fandaniels character beyond being an ascian in nature but slightly differently dressed, clearly trying to keep the same vibe and silhouette but that… frustrates me. why would a man who is so trying to shred that skin of his past dress like that after pulling back the asahi mask? but you could argue its inherent to his need to fit his role. its very basic outside the standard final fantasy dressing and does not fit him or his evil advisor jester persona he tries to put on. i like the chains and the burned ends, i also like they frame his hood almost like a makeshift mask at some angles.

but generally 5/10 it does not speak to me. i also am bitter he never got a custom outfit only for him i will not lie. sorry. maybe if it was less gloomy, some patterns and bells, but i like the very dark purple.

slay. the funniest (and scariest) quest of the game. its just a butler uniform and i think in the context of it being one time to just fuck with the player was kinda dope. 9/10

[butchhamlet]

yeah you interpreted my ask correctly, that's what i meant! i definitely agree that there's a middle ground. on one hand, anything shakespeare 100% intended would've been clearly laid out in the text. it's hard to argue that he intentionally wrote something off in subtext when he pretty much spells every plot point or characterization out. it's also anachronistic to the conventions of his time, i think.

on the other hand, i've seen a bunch of people say it's impossible to present alternative character/plot interpretations in various productions because it isn't what shakespeare intended. and like i agree that on a textual level, you can't really argue that one theory is the only correct interpretation, but isn't the whole point of putting on different productions to present these same characters and stories through different angles? a theory doesn't have to be textually supported for a production to incorporate it. "shakespeare didn't use subtext" applies when studying the text academically, but different stagings naturally come with different interpretations. isn't that literally the point of having so many productions and interpretations of 1 play

this is mainly a discussion i've seen in the r/shakespeare subreddit tbh. specifically it crops up a lot when people ask "are [x] character(s) gay" and a very common response is "if shakespeare intended them to be gay, he would've explicitly spelled it out" (sometimes using achilles & patroclus from troilus and cressida as an example). it's not the majority but i've also seen a few people say some characters shouldn't be made gay since that isn't what shakespeare intended, and looking for subtext in lines is misguided. which is like. ?????? i know the people on r/shakespeare and also subreddits in general tend to be a very very different group but ?????????? i genuinely don't understand where they're coming from lmao. anyway i haven't seen anyone on tumblr talk about this and was really curious about your thoughts

"shakespeare didn't use subtext" applies when studying the text academically, but different stagings naturally come with different interpretations. isn't that literally the point of having so many productions and interpretations of 1 play

EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY!!! PRECISELY! i dunno maybe in modern theater, especially indie theater, there's not much of a gap between text and production, but we are talking about SHAKESPEARE here. every one of his plays has been done 500 bajillion times. the text as its own contained thing is NOT the same as any of the productions and the idea that you can't do anything not 100% supported by the text is ridiculous. i can see how it might be a little rude/gauche to go in a completely wild direction if you're putting on a small play by a playwright who is still alive, but shakespeare is the most famous playwright to ever live probably and also he is SOOOOOOO DEAD. he's not gonna care if you do hamlet but ophelia is pregnant! he's not gonna care if you do hamlet but hamlet isn't there so there are just giant blocks of silence for every soliloquy! and isn't it beautiful how the craziest productions are basically collaging with his text, cutting it apart and piecing it back together? i can understand not personally enjoying out-there productions, but conceptually the stuff people do with shakespeare is dope as hell

"if shakespeare intended them to be gay, he would've explicitly spelled it out" (sometimes using achilles & patroclus from troilus and cressida as an example). it's not the majority but i've also seen a few people say some characters shouldn't be made gay since that isn't what shakespeare intended, and looking for subtext in lines is misguided.

i don't know why i'm surprised that this debate is perhaps a smokescreen for "stop putting gay people in everything ugh don't ruin the sanctity of the text" and yet i'm still taken aback by just. the silliness of this argument. and these are the same people talking about anachronism???? like. sorry is this better?

[image description: the following edited lines from hamlet:

HAMLET I am glad to see you well: Horatio,--or I do forget myself.

HORATIO The same, my lord, and according to a 21st-century model of sexuality as fixed and partitioned into disparate categories based on identity more than on action, I'm a gay man btw.

/end description]

[alalnsted]

Hello! I hope this is okay to ask, but what was your thought process when making the mer designs for Ivan and Sua?

I always struggle with making mermaids (or sirens) that look cool and not the usual "I slapped a generic tail on and that's my mer version now"

If you have any tips or tricks as well, I'd love to hear!

(also your Mer Ivan and Sua were DOPE AS HELL, if the ask wasn't obvious enough ^_^)

Hello! I have a couple sheets of different merms for each character so the thought process across the board is about the same. Usually it starts with me looking at a specific characteristic of the character or something more aesthetic in value I.e., for ivan I looked at black and or red fish/ sea creatures. Definitely taking a lot of inspiration directly from the animal itself so finding pictures of different angles is always nice for inspo! As for features to keep and where I like putting fins as ears, body… where things start to shift(?) depends on how I feel the character would or could dress! Just make it flesh…

And thank you!! I’m glad you enjoy them 🦭 they’re very fun (there’s more fish to come I just need time to do them all)

[deusvervewrites]

CE: Slime!Momo is such an interesting idea, but I was concerned for a second that she'd have trouble adapting to being nearly liquid and having no solid form. Then I remembered that she's capable of making cannon, flashbangs, and apparently high end military weaponry on the fly, so shes probably fine. Give her a couple of days to figure out how to look human again, and she'll be reworking her quirk by the end of the week.

Yaoyorozu is actually probably the most adaptable member of 1-A, so having the most fluid body would work out well for her. (Her problem is generally that she's too adaptable and struggles deciding what course to take. Learning her slime powers would actually be very similar to her general character arc)

The most interesting part of her having a mostly fluid body is that she'd largely be creating entirely solid builds out of her body, which would require her to learn how to make herself a bit more solid to prevent builds from slipping out of her own body

Also if she pulls the "make a gun and feed it ammo from my own body" trick you could see the bullets being made as they're fed into the gun and that's just fucking dope. Actually depending on the angle you could see that for most of her constructs

[batsplat]

feel free to completely ignore this ask but i’ve been reading through your tennis posts and. god!! thank you!! so many great takes. i love this sport and will probably die watching it but the atp is really so dire at the moment and the wta is… well, it’s a lot better (mainly bc it actually has a competitive top ten with fun personalities), but i still think the rivalries could be more compelling

but if we’re talking about narrative atrocities then the atp is clearly mostly at fault. i find it crazy how so many people on tennisblr love sincaraz? just. nothing there to grab onto. way worse than fedal. i don’t really enjoy their match up stylistically (peaked with uso 2022 but these days it feels like all there is to say is “wow these guys really can hit the ball hard”. the most compelling angle i can find on them plotwise is that brief period of time around the china swing where it seemed like sinner was finally leaning into the bromance with alcaraz but only as a pr tactic to distract from the doping thing. bc at least that’s kinda messy

and i also like meddy but that’s been. um. a bit excruciating lately. truthfully my real fav is dan evans so this is possibly my own fault for not picking someone who looked even vaguely like a slam contender to back

i do have to say i find alcaraz’s flopping kinda compelling though. there’s clearly a mental struggle/adhd lack of focus there that a lot of people attribute to him being 21 but idk if he’ll ever iron out. i think there’s a realistic world in which he keeps peaking for a couple of tournaments a year but otherwise falls off & is dramatically overtaken by sinner/maybe fonseca/some other people & is kind of a precursor to their era… on the other hand maybe he’ll pull it together and i’ll just sit here with dan evans

oh please, my average ask response time is about 4-6 months but for tennis hater asks that dives down to under 24 hours. (pretend like I actually answered this in 24 hours. I would have if it hadn't been NYE.) I too obviously do not get why sinner/alcaraz are so popular, I mean I didn't get why federer/nadal are so popular so this is just a continuation of a theme for me. it's all been downhill since sampras/agassi, I keep saying. I don't even WANT to be annoying about this, I try not to be that picky, it's just that I thought we were getting a chaos era post big 3 for at least like,, a couple years. this is my issue right, I'm not even saying sinner/alcaraz and federer/nadal are ontologically evil (maybe), I'm just saying that if you win THAT much, you'd better have some insane narrative juice to keep it interesting. and quite frankly, the number of athletes in the history of sports who could make me enjoy that level of domination is probably in like,, the low double digits at best. but these guys aren't even trying!! for shame

as for popularity, idk, I guess people will just like any blokes who are good at sport. I don't really know what goes on in tennis tumblr, I never sought out that community (though I think some of my posts kinda accidentally breached containment, which is!! fine!! you guys are welcome! but also don't take any of my mouthing off seriously pretty please) BUT my general sense is that it's a lot of love for two tennis rivalries that I personally find... well. eh! well. now look, I do have to admit that I prefer my sports rivalries with a bit more antagonism and bitterness and resentment, I love a good feud. but it's not a non-negotiable requirement! I think the most important thing for me is having... well, stakes. I kind of need to feel like some of these losses are making a part of the loser's soul die with it. like they want and need it so badly and it'll also hurt if they lose. the most infamous encounters aren't just great because they're great in sporting terms, but they're great because they meant something to the athletes involved. you don't get a do-over, it's not just one of many encounters, it's something a bit sadder and uglier and broken... that's where the narrative juice comes from, the stakes. if you don't care then why should I, right

and this is broadly my issue with sinner/alcaraz. like,, if they lose, they'll be fine, right. obviously they really want to win, but it's also recoverable. they don't get sick at the thought of losing to each other. it's not a low point for them, it's not something they struggle to put behind them, it's not something that eats away at them. idk, sue me, I want the angst! I also think the rivalry peaked at uso 2022 - and it's not just because the tennis was so excellent, it's because it genuinely felt like sinner might have lost an opportunity and wouldn't be able to make up for it and it looked like it hurt. (I mean, I knew he'd make up for it because I have always had faith sinner would eventually be a multiple slam winner, but y'know for the non-enlightened people.) that was actually the most compelling stretch of the rivalry for me! where sinner was still kinda frail (bodily weakness as a substitute for a personality but we move) and was an okay player who only peaked when he played alcaraz. so there it was kind of... alcaraz really invested in a rivalry with this guy who isn't quite good enough to keep up until he's playing alcaraz. fine, it's not 'symbols of unity in a divided nation until one accused the other of cheating and the other said they'd never been friends at all' levels of narrative juice, but you can work with that. whatever. except obviously even that has been ruined because sinner doesn't even have the graciousness to still suck. I'm sick of these people!! sick to my stomach

and yeah I mean the drug thing is what counts as narrative tension these days... I did enjoy how sinner/alcaraz stonks briefly plummeted with alcaraz's extremely lukewarm response to sinner's little clostebol situation. similar to my schadenfreude when federer didn't show up to nadal's retirement, it's the little things in life. I honestly sort of stopped paying attention to men's tennis after uso so I didn't really know about the *gestures* asian swing sinner/alcaraz situation, though I suppose that would be theoretically interesting. it's not even that I think cold-blooded guys like sinner are inherently boring, it's just him specifically that's boring because he never DOES anything. henin was cold-blooded!! she would do anything to win, including some pretty blatant cheating! we used to be a proper sport! and while I broadly agree that I think the wta isn't like,,, at its PEAK potential - beyond the protagonists just being way more interesting as people than the atp lot, I do also think there's a couple very key differences between something like the sinner/alcaraz rivalry and, say, the swiatek/sabalenka rivalry

first off, I've stress tested this and know for a fact that iga does become less palpable for me if she isn't fallible - we tried this out in 2022, I got bored of her, I didn't hate her like I would an atp player but it did feel pretty tedious to me. NOW I am extremely hooked and cannot WAIT to see what year she'll have. I'm rooting for her!! I know I've said this before but igatha and sublanko really do benefit from how much they're visibly fighting demons. angst is good, struggle is good, they both look desperate to beat each other. I don't support broadcasters showing backstage video of them after their defeats as a matter of principle, but we've had one us open where we've seen aryna demolish a racquet after a defeat followed by another us open where we've seen iga cry and... it's humanising. I care because they're fallible and quite frankly a lot of the time they seem like they're barely holding it together. introverted vs extroverted, both intense but in completely different ways, massive contrast in everything about them including how they express their emotions - but they both frequently look like they might die if they don't win the next point. if I were on either of their teams, I would be working very hard on their ability to regulate their emotions (and tbf sublanko has gotten better at this). objectively, you do want to be a sinner-type on the court. but I am not being employed by any professional tennis player (open to requests though) and As A Fan, on-court disasters is what I want

secondly. I saw this going around a few days ago --

-- and my immediate response was 'aww'. which, idk, I obviously wouldn't have that reaction with sinner/alcaraz, or indeed any current men's rivalry. I did some self-examination to check whether this was just the misandry talking, but I think the crucial difference to me is that... well, they did dislike each other for a while! it wasn't a FEUD but it was definite tension. and now they've played a bunch and now they're getting warmer towards each other, and it feels more meaningful since there's actually an arc. and they're two interesting characters with an interesting relationship and I want to see where it'll go. it's not noughties wta but crucially the tennis is fun AND and and I don't go into every single tournament thinking one of two players will win it. now, if that were the case on the wta tour, then I probably would need iga and aryna to step up their narrative juice game. but as it currently stands, we're good

and on the alcaraz point.... I mean, maybe. ideologically, I am a big believer that people pay too much attention to slams. but idk, men's tennis kinda kills me on this because I've watched djokovic faff about at various tour-level events for years before locking in the second it gets to slams. if we're being honest in men's tennis it kinda is all about the slams because that's the tier that has been so completely and violently gatekept for so long. so I know that alcaraz fans do have to deal with some ups and downs but also like... I can't lie! at this point I would quite literally sacrifice at least a toe, possibly even two, for someone I like to have a bad year where they win two slams! my sympathy is limited! and then if anything it's even MORE annoying for me because I don't LIKE following the sport week in week out if I don't feel like I'm being emotionally rewarded for that commitment because none of that shit matters anyway. I think ideally you have a bunch of storylines on tour level that culminate in the slams. but in men's tennis, it feels like there's always only one show in town. you can fool yourself for a while that there isn't, but reality always inevitably comes calling

to actually engage with the substance of the alcaraz point and take my own emotion out of this, I do think it's true that alcaraz is 'underperforming' to some extent and a lot of it's psychological. my nuclear hot take about the jcf relationship is that I'm happy for everyone who thinks the dynamic has lovely vibes, but it's a lot of credit being given to someone who came in when the most important work had already essentially been done and still hasn't exactly fixed alcaraz's shot selection. alcaraz's floor is still too low, when he plays badly he plays really bad - and maybe it is partly a concentration thing, but I really don't think it's an unfixable problem. if it were completely a concentration/motivation thing, an ability to peak for big finals that falls away elsewhere, then maybe yes, but it's way more concrete and basic things where I feel like he rarely gets the balance quite right. a lot of the times it doesn't matter because he's so obscenely talented he really doesn't have to be playing the percentages, and I do agree on principle with the idea you don't want to overly regulate him to avoid taking his love for the game. but... you do need some patterns, you do need to make your plan a and plan b not so violently different, you need to come up with some ways of modulating your levels of offence that aren't 100% attacking absolutely everything or just using your athleticism to chase after balls. there's room in between! galaxies of space in between! and look, I'm old-fashioned, I also don't like how much ferrero coaches alcaraz because I don't think that's how tennis should work. but I'm not one of those people who thinks alcaraz is some hack fraud who would be 'exposed' without ferrero - I do however think it's a crutch and one that alcaraz should probably rethink for his own sake. because fundamentally, coaching can only do so much in the moment. talent and instinct are great, and maybe alcaraz just doesn't need more than that to make his choices for him. but if I were working on that team, I would be taking a long hard look at his decision making within points, and I wouldn't wait until he's in the middle of the point to do it

(but also I think he'll be fine because he's just that good lol, like if he's physically okay I really struggle to see all these other players overtaking him. maybe this is big three brain talking but idk just feels deeply unlikely)

as for the actual alcaraz/sinner match-up, I do think it's Fine but also we have to be honest with ourselves here and say that they've played one great match and played a lot of great... moments. that miami (?) 2023 point everyone remembers, it's great, but also the match it was in wasn't exactly a classic - and that's been one of the better ones. the roland garros match last year was actively terrible and nobody will convince me otherwise. it is vaguely interesting in that it's two very offence-inclined players who express that inclination in very different ways, and alcaraz is constantly dancing on the line of attempting to overhit against sinner. but also... idk, linear bashing isn't exactly my favourite style anyway in men's tennis and it's... you're not really allowed to say this as a tennis fan, but I don't really emotionally connect with alcaraz's tennis. my brain knows how brilliant it is, my heart doesn't feel it. I've tried, I really have. idk... maybe it's because he's just too talented, something in me almost feels like it devalues it, like it's making the impossible mundane. I just need more tension, even though he's been a loose cannon this past year I never really believe he's going to lose until he's lost. I get why his tennis makes everyone go crazy, but idk. I think I need to feel the possibility of failure to enjoy success. I can appreciate alcaraz's shots, I do very often, there's a backhand slice on the run passing shot he hit on some clay court a couple years ago I still regularly think about. but alas, my heart remains cold. what can you do

anyway. that's my first tennis hater post of the new year. people seem to keep coming back for more. extremely unenthused about men's ao (djokovic playing monfils later on in the year of our lord 2k25, they need to take this sport out back and shoot it), extremely hype for the girlies. I'm actually FINE with not being a MASSIVE fan of any of the top players, passionately rooting for scrubs and just enjoying the drama at the top as a mostly neutral bystander - which is ideally what you'd get from a dan evans stan-type gig, but unfortunately that doesn't really work if you actively despise most of the top players. I have no real opinions on fonseca as yet, I'm not really a huge wunderkind person in general unless they're so juiced up on the narrative they're on the verge of overdosing, but also where I'm at with sinner it might end up being some type of enemy of my enemy arrangement. or maybe I'll find him even more annoying!! lord knows I was rooting for sinner in that uso 2022 match. I had this moment in like 2017 where federer was making his comeback and I realised I'd had enough - and then eventually I got lured back in with the promise of the nextgen. the less said about how that's going the better. this situation isn't getting better I reckon... the time has come once again. it is what it is

[mousemannation]

Ofc youre free to do whatever you want but I think a confessional is a bad idea. Youll get hate and harassment from fans if you post asks criticising their favourite players, whether real or perceived. The concept of anonymity makes people very nasty

this seems to be the main reason against committing to this idea and while I certainly understand that angle i do also think it’s generally manageable (for me).

Maybe pitching it as a confession-blog-type isn’t quite the right idea since i think im just 100% not going to entertain any sort of “hate” anons. So nothing that’s empty statements against a player (ie. i hate x, i think x is ugly, i think x is a bad player).

The type of negative anons I would allow is something lighthearted (ie. i think x’s kit is ugly, x is in their flop era /j), constructive (ie. x is bad at drop shots, x needs to work on their serve), or serious discussions (ie. x said something problematic here’s a source for it, discussions about wada/doping).

All this to say though is that in my mind the majority of these confessions will be fun! I really like the idea of allowing lurkers to interact with the community and essentially make the posts they don’t have a blog to put on! tell me about that interesting interview answer they gave, or about which tournaments u like best, or which player could rock the bald look most confidently!

also, as a sidenote i am truly so fucking good at forgetting things like i could get a nasty anon look at it for a minute, delete it, and then never think about it again. If someone came into my inbox and was like alex de minaur is a skank bitch who sucks and also u suck for liking him id be like okay bestie #blocked

also also. If it truly gets bad I’ll just take it out of my pinned (i intend to add it to my pinned if I commit to this) and maybe turn off anon for a bit until people forget.

[cinamun]

Hey fren! I have a ton of questions. Lmk if I’m being too intrusive or nosey lol.

I love your story, I always have to give you your flowers when I write you!! All hail the Queen 🙌🏾🙌🏾💐💐💐

Ok my questions:

For starting out posting and editing, do you keep a schedule for yourself to stay organized? Rn I’m finally posting on my simblr after 3 years but I find myself just constantly taking screenies instead of posting and organizing the story. It feels chaotic lol the only organizing I’ve done just for game play in general is shopping for CC every other day (it’s an addiction)

A question I wanted to ask for a while is, if you are commissioning someone for poses what are the average prices you pay (or better yet, what do you think a good price is to pay for pose commission)? Sometimes I have these perfect poses in my head and when I’ve searched for hours I normally just end up giving up.

Lastly, I noticed your post from yesterday said you had 25 photos loaded in photoshop. Do you have all the art board (or images) side by side to edit them consistently and simultaneously?

Thank you if you answer!!

Good morning bestie!! Let me just go on ahead and adjust this crown right quick lol THANK YOU and I got you!

I'm chaotic and impulsive but I have a little bit of a routine. Follow me under the cut!

Okay, SO!! For the first question about posting and editing.... I usually have an idea for the next scene while working on the previous one. So when I go in-game for story updates, the idea is already there and I'm just setting up shots and making the scenes look good. I don't have a schedule other than my posting schedule, so when you mention last night, I was editing pics that I had taken earlier in the day or the day before. So my schedule is usually sitting in photoshop all night the day before I post.

For pose commissions, I've only done that twice. I've had real good luck over the years finding poses or animations for anything I've needed. I would say make an offer to donate to them if you know their shit is dope and move anywhere between $5 to $10 USD. For the poses I commissioned, they weren't released publically so that's extra special (tip them more!). Also keep in mind if you're asking for accessories to be used, how many sims are in the pose, etc. For pose searching, try to be as vague as you can. "ts4 cleaning poses" and then see what comes up is one example and don't shy away from animations! They work with pose player, most without WW and can make for some great screenshots.

I load up all the pictures in Photoshop plus whatever templates I'm using (like the texting one or the dust overlays), and edit in order of sequence. This is where all the dialogue happens so sometimes I edit out of order if I know the dialogue for one scene already and maybe not the others. I hope i'm making sense lol. I spend a lot of time on this part because the words might change given which picture I've decided on (some scenes I take multiple screenshots of and multiple angles and then decide later which one to use). I go pic by pic, doing editing and adding dialogue individually then saving them, closing them and moving on to the next one. Once I'm completely done then I flip through them a few times as if I were the reader to try and catch any typos, etc.

This got really long but let me know if that helps or if I can elaborate more!!

[skycapt4in-a]

@manaborn / randomly generated kissing prompt 23 : a kiss influenced by alcohol/other substances

Was it a good idea to bring Gwen to a bar mostly populated by other Guildsmen and outlaws? On paper, probably not. But in practice? The others had quickly decided that Gwen passed their little checks and could very much in fact hang out with them in their safe space. Was it because some of them were fans of her work and had asked for her autograph? Maybe. But Noah is choosing to believe it's simply because he finally found another human individual to hang around with and they were all happy for him.

Either way, it was nice to see his friends welcome Gwen as one of their own so quickly, and it was funny to see her drink some of them under the table when they challenged her to a drinking competition. Noah himself considered trying to best her, but he was already quite toasted by the time the thought occured to him and through scientific deduction, figured he would not survive, or would need a new liver replacement.

And that's as far as logical thought lets him go for the night, instead they just.. let their hair down, had fun in good company and ensured their hangovers would be terrible the next day.

It was probably a mistake letting Noah drink so much unchecked, because while he could handle his liquor, it came at the cost of losing any control he had over his more impulsive thoughts. He'd already pickpocketed about three people just because it would be funny, his next bright idea was equally as daring. He just really hoped he wasn't at all obvious with the drunk, dopey smile he was giving Gwen as she recounted one of her adventures with her family before she came out to space.. He's not really paying attention to the story, he tried! He did! But the alien booze wanted him to focus on just how pretty Gwen is, and how brave and wonderful she has been in the time they've known each other, how smart she is.. Really she's just the best, right? No wonder Noah is head over heels for her. It's when he tries to force himself to pay attention to her story again by looking at her lips to.. ensure he listened to the words? That the oh so bright idea comes into his mind.

He politely holds his finger up to pause the story, not wanting to miss anymore details than he has, before he scoots over slightly in his barstool, still smiling like a complete awestruck drunken dope before he pulls her in for a kiss. A soft and gentle thing considering the state of him at this point. He's thrilled when Gwen starts to kiss back, swearing that he could feel his heart jump and skip happily in his chest.. But then the stool he's got leaning a little too much to an angle could not hold him any longer and he has to breakaway to attempt to save himself from falling--, he doesn't, but also to make sure he doesn't bring Gwen down with him, fortunately he was able to do that at least.

If he could feel shame, he would most certainly be feeling it then as he lay on the floor, but he's too busy giggling and he can't be sure if it's because he kissed Gwen! or because he fell.

KISS ROULETTE / accepting.

[troglobite]

possibly annoying addition, apologies, but for anyone curious (not a judgment on op or posting the photos, bc point successfully made--adding on bc there's a cool link to add, mainly, and bc i think it's helpful to explain this sort of thing):

photos 2 and 3 are real. 2 i know for a fact, as it was done by this woman (which dope to know in case you want to commission her, or want to look into this skill yourself as a cheaper way to get the stained glass effect)

https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/329255422757544676/

3 turns up a few photos of the same exact window with the same details but from different angles, and with different items in the shelf. unclear on the source, but seems to be a real window--i think. https://www.instagram.com/artndetails/p/C5D8On7Lo-p/?img_index=3 could be a very elaborate fake/edit.

photo 1 i'm on the fence about, as i can't find a source for it and it's just been reposted to hell and back--BUT the details and lighting look symmetrical, logical, consistent, and legit enough.

the last 3 are all fake/AI generated. the grand staircase one has extremely odd details that don't remain consistent or logical and seems to be a bad dupe of a legit stained glass window in a grand staircase, and the last two have dozens and dozens of similar photos that turn up with the same color scheme, themes, angles, and lighting, but all slightly different--as though they've come from the same round of prompts put into an image generator.

as a note for telling which were real before i did reverse image searches to double check:

the molding on the floors and walls of the second photo were consistent and identical everywhere in the photo. the carpeting had texture and inconsistencies and shows real wear and tear on the steps, where ppl most often walk. the light shining through the windows onto the wall matches the windows as seen pretty much exactly. the bees plastered onto the walls are *all identical* as they're the same decal over and over again. someone pointed out the railing as an inconsistency--but they simply don't see how the poles connect to the steps. each one is offset slightly (so likely 2 per most steps), and the number of poles isn't meant to match the number of steps. the patterns on the poles themselves, and of the poles, is consistent and identical throughout. there's also the implication of railing on the lower level behind the railing that's visible.

the first photo seems most likely real to me because of its symmetrical nature, the real believable texture of the glass and lighting, and the logical consistency of what's seen through the glass--it looks like there's a front porch, a street, and someone's lawn across the way. this is also very similar to real stained glass that i've seen done, and it makes sense that it would be exactly identical on both sides, though with variations in color, even though it's in reverse--you work off of patterns for this stuff, so mirroring a pattern and reproducing it for the other half would be easy.

photo 3 i'm significantly less sure about, but finding multiple photos of this window with details--that don't look fake--being identical between each photo, even though they're at different times of day and from different angles leads me to believe it may be real. the view through the glass is difficult, but it looks like seriously frosted/texture glass looking out onto a courtyard. one of the photos has the top tulips look more orange, but unclear if that's just because of the lighting. as is, the only tells that it MIGHT be real without reverse image searching is the clear logical consistency of the lighting--the crystal lamp has refracted light mostly correctly, and the colors and shapes of the light through the window is also correct. the window pulls, knobs, and shelves are all the same from photo to photo, and everything seems to respond to the light in roughly the same way.

tells it may be fake: it's just a weird fucking design. lol the dog is miss a paw, it's much smaller, there's a really badly shaped white flower in the bottom right corner, there's no source, and it's a very plain white room that looks out on??? a courtyard maybe? it feels disjointed and weird. hard to tell on this one, and even harder because it's been reposted a lot, including the photos from other angles, so a source is hard to find.

i've already said, briefly, what's wrong with photo 4. the stair railing (the iron is in incomprehensible shapes that don't repeat), the molding and details on the wall (they should match, and they don't--e.g., there's an embellishment high up on the right side that appears nowhere else on any wall), the "tree" that's either visible through the window or part of the window's design, and the fuzzy lack of clarity of objects in any of the designs (stair railing, crest of the window, elements on the walls) are giveaways that it's fake.

photo 5--all the things i noted about the real photos is true in the reverse here. the light through the window makes no sense. it doesn't match what's in the window, and there's no tinted color coming through. the way the light hits the walls, period, makes no logistical sense--there's no clear source of light that would account for ALL the light as seen. what's seen through the window--which isn't frosted and should therefore be clear--is fuzzy and inconsistent and doesn't clearly show us what's outside, unlike the first photo. it might be a generic landscape that's sort of patchy. the wall textures are bizarre and not to scale and don't appear to be any logical wall material. the pink looks like plaster, but the wall underneath the sill looks like cork that's been significantly zoomed in on. additionally, the flowers do not look the same and do not look like one species of flower. the top flower also has an incorrect petal, and the top leaves blend into a weird swoosh shape.

photo 6 is harder and more subtle. the giveaways/suspicions here are partly bc i've seen several AI photos like this before. but mainly, the tells are an unclear source of light: there are multiple points of different brightness--the lights under the hood make no sense. are they yellow, as seen on the backsplash/wall, or are they white, as seen through the glass itself? and unclear consistency on the texture and opacity of the glass itself. additionally, there are knobs missing on the visible drawers and cabinets. the view out the window doesn't appear logical or real, and doesn't appear to match the level of light in the room. the tile pattern on the backsplash--while believable at first glance--is also asymmetrical in a pretty significant way. the rows of color on the right and left aren't the same width, and the shape at the top point isn't a clear shape or symbol. it should be a flower or fleur de lis or something, but it's asymmetrical and has wayward pieces of tile in a way that seems clumsy, for something that looks like it should be precise. the items on the counter also don't make sense--they don't really hold up to close inspection. the oven itself looks mostly fine, which makes sense since there are so many images to pull details from and they're pretty standard/similar across the board.

If I won the lottery I wouldn't tell anyone, but there would be signs.

[the-stove-is-on-fire]

hello! this may be a very specific question, but how do you draw mouths? I always struggle to do them in a way that looks “correct” in my style and I just love how you do facial expression in general, so would you by chance have any tips?

Of course only answer if you can/want to! Either way, thank you sm for your art, you’re a huge inspiration (and serotonin-inducer!).

My method involves countless attempts at drawing a line and hitting ctrl+z until I get it juuuuust right or simply give up and say "good enough".

I think the best way to learn how to draw mouths, to make them look more correct, is to first understand WHY they do what they do = getting familiar with bone structure underneath. Drawing lots of skulls from lots of different angles not only looks dope af in your sketch book, but it also gets you familiar with the hard limits of a person's face. (Making little skulls out of babybell cheese wax is a personal favorite of mine because I like to hold stuff and rotate it.) Making faces in the mirror and taking silly selfies is also an excellent trick!

And I know, some of that probably sounds very boring and tedious. You could technically just pay close attention to how other people draw mouths and copy bits and pieces that you like. Eventually you'll learn the same lessons and get to know what a face can and cannot do. The process is just easier and quicker with the building blocks already in place.

[citylighten]

Hi! I hope you are having a fantastic day! I am just going to go ahead and apologize for the plethora of questions you are about to read, but, I can’t help it! Your story has me HOOKED! Like, I’m sure you’ve seen the notifs. Ok, enough rambling, here it goes…

First, how long does it take you to set up a scene

Second, how are you so good at writing?!

Third, what made you want to write about Eve?

Fourth, was there any research involved?

Fifth, is that your personal reshade/gshade?

Sixth, what do you use to edit your photos?

Final (not a question at all) This joint? This joint right here? Stellar. Please give yourself a pat on the back, standing ovation, round of applause all the things.

Oh, and Marcus is fine, but no. lol. Never! Between him and the "messy" momma, aht! Aht!

Tierra is the bestie I need, lol.

Sal is dope.

HEYYYY SO I was away from my computer for awhile. Then I opened up my iPad and saw I had so MANY notifications. It had me like

I’m really glad you enjoy the story! There’s a lot of juicy (and perhaps even DRAMATIC) content coming up as we progress onward!! But I’m gonna break down these questions. Sorry to my followers in advance for the length. 😔

First, how long does it take you to set up a scene? It really, really depends. There are some lots I have made from scratch that have taken roughly two days to complete. These lots include Sal’s apartment, the bowling alley Sal and Eve went to. Then there’s some lots that were shells and had to be decorated. These lots include Eve’s home which is made by @ceeproductions And other lots? They’re either downloaded ( @beansbuilds is my FAVORITE creator when it comes to builds with @alexisarielgaming being right behind her ) or they're 'borrowed' from friends like @trucktoast who made the Reverb nightclub for his own gameplay, but because I didn’t want to make my own nightclub, and all the ones I found were too high-scale looking he let me download the lot.

Now, with the lot and decorations out of the way, I only need to know how I’m going to be using this lot for the scene. And because I don’t make my own poses, I need to think of ways I’m going to make the scene easy and work with the poses I have downloaded and also still get what I want across. If I don’t have a couples pack, this requires mixing-and-matching different poses which can take a few minutes. But with that said, a one person scene doesn’t take long at all. Just a few minutes. A two person scene? Let’s say ten minutes or maybe a little more depending on if I’m vibing with the angles. Then there’s the above mix-and-matching poses I have to do when it comes to two sims. Then, scenes with four or more sims takes forever. A scene like the nightclub sequence literally took hours and more than one day (I had to give myself a break). I had it set up as a FUNCTIONAL nightclub, so I wouldn’t just be relying on deco sims. And there were times where the townies would sit where Sosha or Ke’Sherri was sitting and I was like, “PLEASE!” Could I have posed all these townies? Yes. But, I wasn't going to spend that much time getting things perfect. Then the Marcus & Eve argument sequence had to be done separately from the scene where Sal was waiting outside the cinema. So it didn’t take long, but I still had to make sure that I could get these scenes to ‘line up’ the way I wanted.  But the best thing to do is to keep sims in the same household for scenes they’re in together. And also, sometimes to just see them generally do things on their own (like walk, box, or shower) is better than posing them.

Second, how are you so good at writing?! I DON’T KNOW. I’m honestly a super harsh critic of myself! I question the script and overthink my dialogue like nobody’s business. I also closely tie my writing with music, like I’m always listening to something or thinking of ways that a song can reflect my characters or story.

Third, what made you want to write about Eve? Well, Eve is my baby. 😭 But on the real, I wanted to write a romance. I don’t really let myself write romance. I’m really into crime & comedy with romance being more of a side thing. When I was younger I had a, ‘I’m not like other girls phase I don’t fall for CHEAP ROMANTIC PLOTS’ but as I’ve gotten older I’m like you know what? Romance is nice. Nothings wrong with it. I want to write something sweet and character driven. When it comes to Eve’s characterization I just love the boujee black girl aesthetic? I eat it up visually. But waaayy more importantly than that, I wanted to tell a story about female loneliness because I don’t feel like there’s enough media that portrays that. Sure, we have depictions of women’s rage or women embracing their sexuality, but where are stories of women who are in lonely solitude? Who struggle with not just boyfriends, but keeping adult friendships? I always felt like white male characters were allowed to be written in this matter, but women (E S P E C I A L L Y black women) aren’t. We also aren't really allowed to be shown as shy introverts, either. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Fourth, was there any research involved? For the boxing segment YES. I watched videos for beginners and took literal notes. Fifth, is that your personal reshade/gshade? So, I use reshade and the preset I use is called s-drama. But to be honest, I don’t even think I installed it right. Like, I have the textures and everything, but I really tampered with the other options to get a different effect than what’s shown in the preview images. Sixth, what do you use to edit your photos? Take my screenshots with reshade. THEN I take it to photopea (a good, FREE alternative to photoshop. Highly recommend it.) and enhance the color with a psd, although I have the psd’s strength cranked down to 34% sometimes higher depending on the scene. I blur things in the background and boom! It’s ready! (Then I put all the caps, both raw and edited on a hard drive cause yeah. I can’t have them taking up space.) ANYWAY THANK YOUUUU. 🥰🥰Everyday I see Marcus in my game (or if I’m dressing him up) I’m like you’re too cute to be doing this. I’m wasting a good looking sim on this bullshit. 😭😭

I hope you keep enjoying the story! There’s still a lot to cover. Will Eve enter a relationship with Sal?! Will Marcus redeem himself?! ( cause trust me, he’ll be reappearing eventually ❄️☃️ ) Will she EVER let go of her grandparent’s home!? Only time will tell!!

[justeliiijah]

Oh, dope. Thanks, Loon.

1. Were you named after anyone?

Birth name? Yes. Father’s great-grandmother or grandmother, can’t remember which. Middle name was a weird tradition my mom’s side had. I had it, my maternal cousin has it, etc. Name-name? No one related to me, unless we’re including middle names, in which case, I chose Joseph, as my older brother never could.

On a related note, my father almost named me Doris when I was born for his recently (at the time) deceased mother. My mom’s suggestion was Annie. I suppose my birth name is the least of these three evils, so I will take it as a profound win that I wasn’t verbally abused in middle school for my first name, only my last. If it’s all the same to them, though, I’ll keep Elijah.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Fuck, like. Yesterday. A friend of mine finally was able to get out of a shitty family situation and I just burst into tears. Before that? A hooot minute.

3. Do you have kids?

AHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAAA over my dead body <3

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

I took volleyball, soccer, dance, basketball, and gymnastics on and off for years. Gymnastics was the only one I really liked, but I fell out of it when I was like, 12. Also, I did swim team and track for less than a month each. I don’t count those.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

More than any other form of language.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Generally, their gaze or how they present themselves. Confidence or lack thereof, etc.

7. What’s your eye color?

Weird green brown mix. Mostly green. Some blue. Jumbled mess. I like em.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Neither. I’m watching a gratuitously violence sci-fi show or I’m watching nothing. I don’t have the attention span for movies. In books or fic, however, the answer is “happy endings, but only after they’re changed irreparably by the hell they’ve gone through.”

9. Any talents?

Can dislocate my right arm, and if I hold it above a 45 degree angle for more than a minute it goes numb. Maybe that’s just nerve damage. Cool party trick, though.

10. Where were you born?

USA :/ Texas, if you want specifics.

11. What are your hobbies?

Art, generally. Reading. Making fun of people. Context will not be provided for the last one because it’s funnier that way, so feel free to imagine that I’m a horrible person who like. I dunno. Kicks over garbage cans. Actually, I do do that if people suck enough. See? It’s working already.

12. Do you have any pets?

Two golden retrievers, Dakota and Roxy. They’re 7 and 10, respectively, and immortal until proven otherwise.

13. How tall are you?

I’m starting to think I’m getting my identity stolen. 5’7. For now. But I plan to kneecap everyone in the world and steal their height so I can be 6’3.

14. Favorite subject in school?

Lunch. Psych is fine when the teacher knows how to teach. And doesn’t ramble about their divorce. I loved my senior year psych teacher, but she was not doing well.

15. Dream job?

I do not dream about work. Ever.

@peachtealeaves @emmamushi @tigergender @thecatamaranlad @re-alku @twillprobably @honeybuddhahoe @goomergrubby @rebloggedsunsox @silverywillowtree @vent-rat @rosadoranger @carovert @two other random people idc I exposed myself to the world at 3 am on a Saturday, so can you

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

The rules are: Answer the 15 questions and tag 15 of your mutuals.

ty @trvbblemaker for the tag :D

Are you named after anyone?

not that i know of

2. When was the last time you cried?

like last week after the orthodontist lmao

3. Do you have kids?

i have plants

4. What sports do you play/have played?

i did gymnastics and dance now i do nothing~

5. Do you use sarcasm?

it's somewhat of a coping mechanism

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

how they dress/their hair

7. What's your eye color?

hell if i know

8. Scary movies or Happy endings

happy endings :]

9. Any talents?

i'm rlly good at overthinking and ignoring problems (like genuinely tho ig i'm good at art)

10. Where were you born?

america 🇺🇸 (i hate it here)

11. What are your hobbies?

crocheting, watching shows, drawing

12. Do you have any pets?

cat named otis <3

13. How tall are you?

i think technically 5'4 1/2"

14. Favorite subject in school

art

15. Dream Job?

something i don't hate hopefully in an art field

no pressure tags: @newtness532 @lirdgorl @rainysaturdayafternoon @justkeepwalkingnothinghere @snek-amiga @deusetco @crayonssmellgood @arshemelsoe @lizvi @bbreaddog @noworneverphantom + open tag

[utau-bowl]

Ada VCV Multilang Review

I’m back! Work starts soon for me so I want to tie up any loose requests I have. This request comes from Liv, a huge supporter of the blog! If you haven’t listened to their covers already I will cry. Also visit their UST website to get swag and DOPE USTs!  I was genuinely shocked I haven’t looked at Ada already, but checked the blog archive and nope. Let’s fix that.

If you just want the VCV or CV-C alone, go here: https://arashiame57.wixsite.com/adallywelyn/voicebank-downloads

*Art by ricecristpy

Hear a Sample of Ada

Bio

Name: Ada Llywelyn Gender: Nonbinary Age: 23 Birthdate: December 12th Height: 170 cm Weight: 84 kg Item: Varsity Jacket Voicer: ricecristpy

(The character bio information between sources is a little different, so I copied the one above from the readme.)

Official Site

Ada has an official site on Wix. I’ll be discussing the multilingual voicebank today. The voicebank is 521 MB when unzipped and comes with partially generated .frq and .pmk files. 

First Impressions

Ada has an androgynous, nasally voice with a loud, brash tone. The Japanese is English-accented. Liv has said Ada CV-C was mostly intended for English so I’ll be keeping that angle in mind. They also have some of the best English I’ve ever heard, no you don’t need to make a VCCV in order for it to be good <3

Configuration

Ada has 4 VCV pitches at F3, B3, D5, and G5, and 3 CV-C pitches are E3, B4, and E5. (For some reason, the B4 pitch isn’t said to exist in the readme?) While most UTAUs follow the logic of low/mid/high pitches, Ada has very low and very high pitches. The range doesn’t suffer though, and Ada can go from A2 all the way to A5 comfortably-that’s three octaves! The CV-C has glottal stops and end breaths for vowels but nothing else in the way of extras exists. Suffixes aren’t needed in order to use the multilingual parts, but so few songs go up to E5 that using it manually is basically required. I find it fun to accent higher notes a bit with the louder E5 pitch.

The samples have static in the background, but only a bit. I still think it could’ve used some noise removal because I’m picky and do that for all my voicebanks lol. The noise is especially prominent on anything with a t sound. The CV-c pitches are recorded at a faster tempo so they have a bit of that talk-singing sound, but not nearly as badly as some other English synths. 

The CV-C uses the extended reclist with 252 samples. The VCV reclist is more simplistic and the mora varies widely between samples. I suspect this was done to hit the high notes easier. I can’t do anything above B4 without going into falsetto, so it’s incredible to hear a powerful UTAU at G5.

Decimals are included in the CV-C pitches, but not in the VCV. The preutter/overlap ratio is generally 1:2, though there are some odd ones like 140:250. This was likely done to make smoother transitions, though I’m not sure it’s needed since the consonants aren’t super long. The - CV entries leave way too much space at the beginning which causes problems with some resamplers. There are also many numbered duplicates present that could have been removed.

My recommended flags: P88C10H20g4

My recommended resamplers: TIPS, EFB-GT, world4utau

Final Thoughts

Despite the comments above sounding sorta negative, I do really love Ada and think they’re one of the best things to happen to the Western UTAU community in a while.

Download Ada Download Ada Download Ada Download Ada

[tricktster]

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.