#And suffers with a lot of jealousy problems and some anxieties

[merkerlerspeaks]

Zodi/Celeste/Raine is somehow both my baby and also the girl my inner little weird girl looks up to so much she adopts parts of her as her personality

[glitteredrry]

maneater

summary: Harry feels inspired by the woman who is holding his heart in her hands. Harry’s true feelings come out during a recording session, and his heart is on the line.

warning: angst & fluff

wc: 2.4k

I haven’t written in so long, and I was feeling inspired. Please let me know how you like it. I own no rights to this song (just in case lol). I hope you enjoy!!

Harry looked at his Rolex for the fifth time in an hour. He checked the time, awaiting the arrival of his…well, he was not sure what to call her. His girl? Well, no, that’s not the correct title. His lover? That’s not even close to what he was to her. Harry didn’t know the correct title to give her, but he did know that she wasn’t his, yet he was all hers. Luna Gray was her name, it was her stage name. Her birthname was for him only; regardless, her name was on the tip of everyone’s tongue.

Harry and Luna were signed to Columbia Records, and both were some of the biggest stars in the world. Harry met Luna when she signed to the label in 1981, and the first time they met, Harry was electrified to his core. All she had to do was look at him, and Harry mentally fell to his knees.  To Harry, she was perfection; the only problem was that he wasn’t the only person who thought this. Let’s just say that Luna was loved by many, and for Harry, it started out not being a problem but slowly developed into one a year later. Luna would explain to all the men she got involved with that she is not someone who could be tied down. She had one goal, which was to be a star. No one or nothing could get in the way of that dream. Harry understood this the first time they slept together, yet as their sexual relationship began to grow, it was somewhat difficult for Harry to hear about the endless men she was caught up with. 

Harry could admit he fell in love with her, yet Luna had no idea about Harry’s feelings towards her. Luna continued with her life as normal, while Harry continued to suffer in silence. He knew how Luna was and that her motto was to cut off men once they fell in love. She told the world she enjoyed her life as a single lady in Hollywood. So, as Harry spent the time drowning in his feelings, he caught inspiration to write a song when a picture in the tabloids was released of her with a star athlete. He couldn’t control his jealousy, which was feasting inside him. He was angry, saddened, and felt like an idiot for being in love with someone who told him she wasn’t going to be tied down. Harry continued to pour his emotions on paper, letting go of everything he felt. What he forgot about, though, is that Luna was coming to listen in on his studio session, and this was the only song he was going to record today. This is Luna and Harry’s thing. They were both artists, so it wasn’t out of the norm for them to listen in on their studio sessions and provide notes. 

Harry genuinely didn’t want to record this infront of her, but he couldn’t waste paid studio time either. Instead of consistently checking the time, he decided to leave the studio for a smoke break. With each inhale, he felt the stress leave his body until he watched her sleek red Mercedes Convertible pull into the parking lot. Her curly hair was all over the place as she pulled in; her eyes were on Harry’s immediately as she parked. She stepped out of the car with a smile, hoping Harry would forgive her for running a little late. Harry watched as the Los Angeles sunset dipping below the valley illuminated her skin. Harry kept his eyes on her, continuing to smoke and soak in the sound of her heels hitting the pavement. She looked beautiful as she approached Harry; without a word, she grabbed the cigarette from his hands, taking a hit of it.

“You mad at me?” Luna said, exhaling the smoke as it brushed across Harry’s face. 

He shook his head ‘no’ because he truly wasn’t mad. Even if he were, she would never know it. “You were supposed to be here an hour ago.” He said, eying her up and down. Lust and anxiety coursing through his veins.

“I got caught up in something. Forgive me, sweetheart,” she said with puppy eyes. Her eyes still held this twinkle in them as if she was playing a game with him.

“Something or someone,” Harry said, letting the jealousy slip. He hated when his mouth would speak before his brain could. Luna smiled at his words, throwing the finished cigarette on the ground and crushing it under her heel.

“Are you sure you want to know?” she smirked, moving past him to enter the studio. Harry felt a slight pang in his chest as he followed her inside. As Luna entered, she sat on the couch and said hello to the sound engineer. Harry nervously picked up the paper and headed to the booth. Just before he got in, Luna called out to him.

“I’m excited to hear the song, Harry.” Her eyes were glowing, and Harry could tell that she was being genuine. Harry and Luna shared a deep connection when it came to music. They both had the utmost respect for each other as artists. Harry smiled at her, briefly looking at her before entering the booth. Harry put on his headphones and signaled that he was ready. Once the beat of the song kicked in, Harry watched as Luna bobbed her head to the music and waited for Harry to start singing. Harry felt his throat swell up in trepidation. Instead of focusing on Luna, he closes his eyes and sings from his heart. 

Oh-oh, here she comes

Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up

Oh-oh, here she comes

She's a man-eater

Harry finally opened his eyes when he got to the middle of the song. He looked through the glass as he watched Luna on the couch with an unreadable expression. Her legs were crossed as he watched her hanging leg bounce. As the song faded out, they kept eye contact with each other. The song engineer cleared Harry to remove his headphones, and He watched as Luna stood on her feet, waiting for him to come out. Harry apprehensively stepped out of the booth, feeling the immediate tension filling the room. Harry could see her facial expression had morphed into clear anger, so he decided to have the room for himself for a while. When they were both alone, Harry chose to speak up. 

“How did you like the song,”

“How did I like it?” She asked, irritation coursing through her body. “Let me think of how I feel,” she laughed mockingly. 

“Listen, I know how it sounds, but hear what I have to say first.”

“Why should I listen to you right now? You brought me here to shame me. All because your feelings are a little hurt, suddenly I should come with a warning label. Well, newsflash, Harry, I told you everything upfront from the beginning.” 

“I know that, but trust me when I say none of what you said matters now. Not when I feel like this, not when you know I feel like this about you.”

“Don’t do that. You’ve never told me anything, Harry you-”

“Cut the shit, just because I haven’t verbally mentioned it, I know you know. You know it in the way I kiss you, in the way I touch you, and when I make love to you. That’s on me that I never said anything, and I hate that it had to come out in this way, but don’t act oblivious. I never told you because I know you’ll run away like you have with others.”

“Then why are you telling me now?”

“Because if that’s the risk I must take, then so be it. I can’t live with this inside me anymore. If you decide to run off, that’s on you. Yes, I will admit my feelings were upset seeing you with someone else. I wrote a song about it. That’s what I do. When I can’t speak my feelings, I sing them. This is the only song I was going to record today. I promise it wasn’t to hurt you in any way.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t hurt getting called a maneater.” She rolled her eyes and folded her arms around each other as she turned her back to Harry.

Harry watched her and decided to step closer to her, “I apologize if I hurt you; that’s never what I want. You have to believe me on that. I’m saying it now: I want you to be mine, and I want to be yours,” Harry pleaded with her. Luna soaked in his words, hearing the sincerity in his voice. She couldn’t face him. Yes, Luna believed him and knew that Harry wasn’t lying at all when he said she secretly knew. She did. She enjoyed feeling like Harry would always be there. It was this feeling of security she didn’t have with any of the other men she would casually date. This sense of security was something that she was scared to have pulled away. She didn’t want to commit out of fear of relationships, yet she knew she didn’t want Harry to be gone forever. Even though she knew Harry loved her, she thought she had a longer time to decide whether to commit. It felt like she was now faced with an ultimatum. Instead of answering him, she deflected. “Harry, you’ve seen girls to-.” She was once again cut off with Harry’s words.

“No, don’t do that. You know, every single girl is PR. I stopped doing that altogether once I felt more serious about you. Don’t divert this back to me. Do you want me at all? Or is this where this ends.” Harry said with a deep breath, finally asking the question. He would be lying if he didn’t feel like 100 pounds were sitting on his heart, waiting to be lifted off. All it would take for this anxiety to lift is her uttering the word, ‘Yes, Harry, I want you.’ Yet, what he heard come out of her mouth next left him shocked where he stood. Luna turned to face him with a stone-cold expression, “I can’t do this, Harry.” Luna walked past him to exit the studio, brushing his shoulder as she passed. As her hand touched the cold door handle to leave, Harry muttered what he thought would be his last word to her. 

“This is what you do, Luna. You run away, and I don’t know why I thought it would be any different for me.” Harry said, feeling himself getting more emotional that he wanted to be infront of her. Without another word, Luna slammed the door behind her.

As she walked down the long hallway, her heart and mind raced. ‘What did I do?’ She thought to herself. She knows she has a connection with Harry. Without a doubt, she knows that. Yet, she was still scared to commit. Past relationships had driven her to live this bachelorette lifestyle. Luna stopped in her tracks, leaning against a wall. “Fuck,” she muttered to herself. Luna had a real decision to make right now. She could either run off to her car and avoid Harry forever. Or go back into that studio to be with the only man who has ever treated her right. Luna finally knew she could listen to her heart, saying just to trust. She had spent years listening to her brain and severed many lovers because of her mind. Her heart was saying to her don’t let this one go, Luna turned on her heels and headed back in the same direction she left. Harry was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, soaking in everything that had just happened. He heard the door open and, without looking, thought it was the sound engineer returning.

“Hey man, I need a few more minutes.”

“I love you, Harry Styles. I’m sorry it took this long for me to admit it.” Harry’s head shot up in shock, looking at the door. He watched Luna close the door behind her as he rose.

“Say it again,” he said breathlessly as she approached him. As she reached him, her hands went on opposite sides of his face, and she looked him in the eyes. 

“I love you, and I want you. I want this. There are no promises for how fast we will go, though. I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time.”

“I don’t care if we take one inch a day. That’s all I needed you to say.” Harry towered over her, pressing his lips on her. Luna leaned in the kiss, soaking up all of Harry’s love. Her heart felt something it hadn't in a while, true peace. It felt as if all the walls she had spent so hard creating came crumbling down all at once. Harry picked her up, sitting on the couch with her in his arms. Harry deepened the kiss, tangling his hands in her hair. Luna relaxed in his lap as her body felt like it was on fire. Harry broke the kiss as they both panted against each other's lips. Both of their mouths curved up into a smile.

“Sloane, I love you. I think I always have. It’s impossible not to be. I promise I want this.” Luna’s cheeks beamed at her real name slipping from his lips. She couldn’t begin to explain this feeling in her body. 

“I’m excited about this, Harry. And you’re doing a real civil duty keeping me from eating more men.” She said, teasing him about the song.

“Baby, If the song upset you, I’ll scrap it.” Her index finger lightly brushed over his lips to shush him. 

“To say it upset me is an understatement. I would be a complete fool if I watched you let go of that song. It’s a great song and can be our little secret that it’s about me.”

“Deal, baby.” Harry smiled at her, happy that she was okay with him putting the song out.

“Now you have to make it up to me, though,” she said seductively. That’s all it took for Harry to feel that similar yearning. 

“I’m going to spend all night making it up to you, I promise.” Luna kissed Harry again, and she let Harry express his love for her. Both of them decided to use the studio for the night so that Harry’s promise could be kept. Luna and Harry couldn’t be more in love than they already felt. It made the wait that Harry had to endure all worth it. 

[lanawinterscigarettes]

Hurts So Good || Amanda Young x gn! apprentice! reader

Summary: you ask Amanda for an unusual request that she surprisingly agrees to

Warnings/contains: the reader suffers from poor mental health (specifically depression and anxiety) as well as low self esteem, the reader is mentioned to have a slight fear of sharp objects (particularly blades and knives), self harm (especially in the form of cutting) is both mentioned and acted out here, brief mention of blood, self harm aftercare, the reader and Amanda are implied to develop an unhealthy codependent relationship after the events that take place in this fic, dead dove do not eat

Beginning notes: please heed the warnings on this fic and don't read this if you're not comfortable with the subject matter described above! I wrote this as a way to help me cope with some things I'm going through (which means yes I projected myself into the reader a lot here, sue me) but I understand stuff like this isn't for everyone, hence the dead dove do not eat tag

You always had a strange relationship with self harm, cutting in particular. It wasn't something you really struggled with, but you still couldn't get the thought of doing it out of your mind.

Despite the few times you tried it out in the past, you never felt addicted to the feeling of needing a blade in your hand the moment things went wrong, but maybe that was part of the problem. In all honesty, you were deeply ashamed of yourself because you couldn't handle it. Not the razor in your hand, not the way it felt when cutting into your skin, not the clean-up afterwards.

Self harm was never a physical problem because you were too afraid to take that extra step it would require in order to actually hurt yourself on a regular basis, but that didn't mean the thoughts weren't plaguing you constantly.

You felt like a coward, strangely enough. All because you couldn't bring yourself to even look in the mere direction of a sharp object without flinching, even as you desperately craved the feeling of using self harm as a method to escape.

Amanda didn't have that kind of problem. She welcomed the hurt, the wounds, the pain. She could slice open her wrists with a rusty butcher knife and then patch herself up afterwards without even flinching.

You envied her and the boldness she seemed to have when it came to those sort of things. It wasn't fair that she got to hurt herself like that without so much as batting an eye when you couldn't. You couldn't even use too sharp of a small kitchen knife to cut things with in fear of nicking yourself by accident.

The jealousy you had towards your fellow apprentice and close friend kept bubbling just beneath the surface until one day when it finally boiled over. Amanda was testing out a new trap that she had an idea for while you watched so you could see how it was put together. Although you were supposed to be paying close attention, your eyes kept getting drawn towards the medical bandages she had wrapped around one of her wrists.

"If you're done ogling the place where I cut myself most recently, then maybe you can come over here and help me," her voice suddenly cut through the otherwise silent room, sounding just as sarcastic and snarky as usual.

"Sorry," came your sheepish reply as you moved over to help her set up the trap. Things were quiet for another moment or so before you spoke up again. "Can I... ask you a question?"

The soft grunt of acknowledgement she let out in response was enough for you to know it was okay to continue.

Taking a deep breath, you contemplated how best to ask before finally just blurting it out. "Will you cut me?"

At that, she stopped all her movements and became as still as a statue. You could've sworn she even stopped breathing there for a minute.

"Is that meant to be some kind of a sick joke or something?" She finally questioned, her tone icy as she turned to face you in a stiff and almost robotic manner. Anyone else and she probably would've already threatened them with a long and painful death by now, but the two of you were close enough for her to know you wouldn't joke about something like that.

Still, she found it a little hard to believe that you really wanted what you were asking for.

"N-No, I- I just-" you stammered out, starting to feel your face heat up with embarrassment. "I- I wanted to know what it felt like, y'know? But I- I can't actually bring myself to do it, because I'm too scared."

The gaze of steel on her face softened at your pitiful admission, and she let out a sigh while setting down the tools she was using to put the trap together with. "Look, I get it. You want something to use as an escape, right? You want to be able to forget about it all for a little while."

She wiped the grease from her hands off on a rag nearby before placing them on your shoulders, her touch firm but gentle. "I know how you feel, I do. And if you need some help to feel more at peace with yourself, then... I'll do it, okay? I'll help you."

Her words filled you with both shock and gratitude. Of course you'd wanted her to say yes, but you didn't actually expect her to. "Really?"

One of her hands lifted from your shoulder to your chin, carefully tilting your head back so your eyes would meet hers. "Yes, really. I'll help you with it once we're done here, alright? I promise."

With that, she stepped away and moved to pick up her tools again, redirecting her attention back to the half-finished trap in front of her. "For now, though, we should get this finished up before Hoffman gets on my ass about taking too long," she grumbled under her breath, causing you to let out a quiet giggle.

A little bit later after you'd both finished with the trap and left to head back to your apartment, she kept her promise by pulling out the kit she always carried around with her, the one that you knew held her razors in it.

You watched wide-eyed as she set the stuff up on your small kitchen table. There were several different blades she sometimes used to cut herself with, as well as bandages and antiseptic wipes to clean the wounds after to help prevent infection.

"I understand that you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed," she said while washing her hands in your kitchen sink, cleansing them of any leftover grime that came from working on the trap earlier. "Why don't you start with something small, hm? Something that you think you might feel the most comfortable with."

Taking a deep breath, you nodded before tentatively reaching a hand out and picking up a small razorblade that sat at the edge of the selection. In all honesty, you'd been eyeing it since the moment she set the stuff up, but you didn't immediately pick that one because you didn't want her to think any less of you for choosing the smallest option available.

"There you go," her warm voice encouraged you, sending a comforting shiver down your spine. Amanda was never this gentle with anyone except for maybe John Kramer, the infamous Jigsaw himself, and that was mostly because of the cancer he had ravaging his body. "Do you want to do it in here, or somewhere else?"

"I was thinking my bedroom," you muttered softly while looking down, turning over the small blade in your hand while you spoke. "I feel... safe in my bed, where it's nice and warm."

It was true, as pathetic as it might've sounded. There were very few places you enjoyed being when your depression got really bad, and curled up in your bed underneath the mountain of pillows and blankets you had was one of them.

She seemed to understand your perspective on things and didn't question your response in the slightest, simply responding with a nod of her head as she reached over to grab the bandages and antiseptic wipes from the table. "Lead the way."

Your heart was pounding so hard in your chest it sounded like a death march. Even though you wanted this to happen, you were still scared to experience it.

Amanda could obviously tell how apprehensive you were because she carefully approached you from behind once you entered the bedroom and guided you over to the bed, helping you sit down.

"It's okay. I know this is scary, but we don't have to do a lot today, alright? We can start out with just a little bit, with just a few small cuts." She took a seat across from you on the bed, her soothing words washing over you in a warm embrace. "Hold out your arm, and give me the razor."

You listened to her soft command without protest, obediently holding out your arm to her and allowing her to push your sleeve up enough to display your inner forearm. After that, she took the razorblade from your shaking hand, keeping one hand gently holding onto your wrist and keeping it still while the other held the blade between her fingers.

"Ready?"

A soft little whimper escaped you at the question. You instinctively squeezed your eyes shut and shrunk back from her touch as you felt the sharp blade begin to cut into your skin, tears of both fear and relief welling up in your eyes while it happened.

"It's okay. You're safe here, alright? I'm not going to hurt you any more than what you're comfortable with."

Her voice was like a piece of driftwood that came floating along while you were stranded out at sea, and you clung to it tightly, focusing on that and the way her thumb rubbed soothing circles along the inside of your wrist while she continued to make clean, precise cuts on your otherwise unmarked skin. This went on for a couple of minutes before she spoke again.

"I'm finished. You can open your eyes now."

You hesitantly obeyed, another pitiful noise exiting your throat when you saw the cuts on your arm. There weren't that many, and they were clearly done by someone who was an expert due to the spacing between them and how shallow they were. The blood, however, made you feel a little bit faint.

"I need to clean them now, and this is probably going to hurt more than the actual cuts themselves, so you should brace yourself for that," Amanda stated rather bluntly as she reached for the antiseptic wipes. Before she could say or do anything else, you suddenly shot forward and into her lap, hiding your face in her chest as your hands gripped tightly onto her shirt.

"I don't wanna. It's gonna hurt," you choked out pathetically in response to her words, your tears from earlier coming back full force at the idea of being in more pain.

"Hey, hey," she murmured while wrapping her arms around your body, cradling you in her lap in an embrace that was almost motherly. "Shh, shh, I know you don't. I know that you're scared, but if I don't get these cleaned up then it's just going to potentially cause more problems in the future, so you've gotta let me do it, alright?"

You sniffled like a child that was afraid of the monster living under its bed, obviously not too fond of the idea but knowing ultimately that she was right. "M'kay," you reluctantly agreed, your voice sounding shaky and timid when it came out.

Despite this, you allowed her to take the time to clean your cuts, remaining curled up in her lap throughout the whole procedure (even though you hated the stinging feeling that came from the antiseptic wipes). Once everything was bandaged up nicely, she dipped her head down and brought your forearm up to her lips, placing a soft kiss to the area. "There we go. All better."

A shiver went down your spine at the affectionate gesture, your body melting into hers and becoming limp as you allowed her to tug you close so the two of you could lay underneath the blankets you had on your bed. "I want you to get something small to eat later, just so you don't start to feel a little woozy from the light blood loss."

You hummed in agreement while nuzzling your face into the side of her shoulder. Strangely enough, you'd never felt more at peace than you did right now. You weren't sure if it was the cuts on your arm or Amanda's gentle treatment, but you were happy and content regardless.

No one had ever understood you or connected with you this deeply before she came along. You knew no one else would've been so open to the idea or acted so unjudgemental at your strange request- except for her, and you loved her for it.

You'd let her cut you like this every day if it meant she'd hold you for just a little longer, and if it made you feel this at peace with yourself. You also couldn't deny how addicting the pain was now that you'd actually gotten to try it in a way that felt so... nice, for lack of a better word.

The cuts on your arm might've ended up hurting you, but they hurt so good, and in a way you knew would be difficult to stop craving after this. Not that you cared, because you had Amanda to look out for you, and that alone was enough to make you not regret a single thing.

End notes: this feels a bit different from my usual content but I actually really like this fic and how it turned out so fuck it we ball

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[sheisaquarius-blog]

hi! for anthony’s day can you do something with ianthony getting together with jealous!anthony? btw i love your fics you’re so talented!!!

OH BOY CAN I, I LOVE JEALOUS ANTHONY!!! i'm sure you wanted something sweet and fluffy, but i am on my usual bullshit and made it long and angsty OTL sorry!!! i hope it's still an enjoyable read! and it ends happy!

ps- sorry i'm late! if you sent me an anthony's day prompt and i haven't posted it yet, you WILL see it! i just over estimated how fast i can write, but i'm going to fill each and every one!

Anthony thinks a lot. Not that other people don’t, he just suspects that they have an easier time turning off the faucet of thoughts, or at least letting it fade into the white noise of their minds. Anthony has trouble with that. A lot of trouble. Every one of his thoughts is loud and demanding and takes up the limited space he has in his brain. Most of the time it doesn’t bother him because he’s learned to make peace with a lot of it. He’s learned to acknowledge those thoughts for what they are and control them, channel them. Pain and anxiety were hard, but he’s managed. He has outlets, mantras, things that keep him firmly in reality when those thoughts start to overwhelm his mind and make him burn from the inside out.

His real problem is jealousy. Its roots are wrapped so deep in his bones he’d need to pull back the layers of calcium to extract the tendrils from his marrow where they nestle and feed off him. Pain and anxiety are water, they rain on him, he could drown in them if he isn’t careful, but in the end, they are things that pour over him. He fears his jealousy has always grown out of him, is intrinsic to him.

He hides it well for most of his life. Not so well that no one notices, but well enough they think it’s just normal, average jealousy. A bit childish, maybe, but not the more sinister, dark, suffocating thing that’s truly inside him.

As he grows, he manages it well enough to not make it other people’s problems (most of the time), but it eats away at him in a way he can’t control.

Not everything spikes it. He doesn’t mind sharing the spotlight—in fact he greatly prefers it. He isn’t bothered by friends’ accomplishments—those are their own.

What does bother him is singular attention. That’s the best way he knows how to put it. For an audience, Anthony would much rather be a part of something than the whole; he built two channels out of that. Smosh isn’t a one man show, and interviews don’t work very well with just one person, but when it comes to being the most important thing to one single person, Anthony is not particularly willing to share.

He's jealous in relationships, he knows that. It’s caused plenty of arguments. It worries him, he doesn’t want to be toxic, but he needs to be the most important thing to them. He can feel himself choking on his jealousy when things change and he isn’t that precious thing anymore. It’s a slow death he suffers through each time.

Apparently, that goes double for business partners because Anthony truly, genuinely worried he was going to suffocate when Anthony asked Ian to leave with him and he didn’t. His body felt hollow and burned through, like everything important in him was drained.

He’s gotten marginally better in their years apart. He doesn’t think he’s any less jealous, but he lets his flares bounce back against himself rather than out at other people.

Damn if it doesn’t catch him off guard every once in a while, though, which is how Anthony ends up breathing through his teeth at a dark, loud, too-cool party, watching Ian laugh at someone’s joke across the room as some guy clasps his shoulder to keep from doubling over.

Anthony already hates parties. It’s a manageable hate, but he does. This, though—watching Ian laugh and smile and talk and treasure someone else makes that jealousy rip through him, choking him by the throat like a fucked-up willow is trying to grow out of there. He wants to leave, except he doesn’t, because then he has to leave Ian and, well, he did that once already. He isn’t sure he’ll get a third chance. Ian does catch his eye, and there’s something of a balm for that awful thing inside him. It’s blue eyes that see him. He doesn’t realize he’s smiling until Ian crosses the dark room towards him.

“Hey,” Ian says. “You ready to go?”

Anthony shakes his head. He can’t make himself say the word ‘no,’ it’s too big of a lie, but he can deal with this for Ian’s sake. He has Ian’s attention right now, so he could endure a lot worse to keep it.

Ian takes a sip of his drink without letting his eyes leave Anthony, bright blue in this dark room. “Well, I think I’m done, but we can hang here if you want, I guess.” Anthony can’t lie, but he’s jealous. Ian isn’t jealous, but he can lie. Like a snake eating its own tail, chasing itself in circles.

“You don’t have to be done,” Anthony says. His eyes flicker to that guy Anthony definitely knows of but can’t name, who’s staring at Ian across the way, a little longing and a little awestruck. He doesn’t blame him, but he doesn’t forgive him either. “But maybe we should get some air?” he suggests.

Ian nods. “Sure.”

They wander outside together, past loud conversation and louder music, into the much lighter LA night air. A breeze rustles through the patio and it makes Anthony aware of how warm he was inside, catching on the light sheen of sweat on his skin. Ian sighs and leans against the side of the house-slash-mansion. It’s quiet between them, but Anthony likes it, until those gnarled fingers dig into him, and he starts to wonder: is Ian here with him or still back inside?

“Who was that?” he asks casually.

Ian rubs under the bridge of his glasses. “Theo? I dunno, I guess he’s, like, a food guy or something. I met him guesting on a podcast last year.”

“Cool,” Anthony says. “Yeah, I was surprised he remembered me.” Anthony nods. He exhales through his nose, but he doesn’t feel like he’s breathing.

Ian shrugs. “We really can go if you want. I’m pretty much done here.”

“Pretty much?” Anthony asks before he can stop himself.

Ian gives him a look. Anthony thinks he should be able to read it, there’s something so direct in Ian’s gaze. “Just a figure of speech. C’mon, let’s just go.”

Anthony can’t help himself; this is where his jealousy is layered too deep, this is his instinct, his nature. “You wanna say bye to Theo first?”

“No,” Ian says without a second thought or a moment of hesitation, like Anthony wasn’t just the brattiest, pettiest person he knows. “He’s fine without me, Anthony.”

“He didn’t look fine when you left.”

“Ok, fine. Well, I don’t care what he looked like. Enough, Anthony. I’m right here.”

Anthony doesn’t say anything. He can still taste that bitter blackness on his tongue.

Ian rolls his eyes. “Your dramatic ass is gonna be the end of me one day,” he mutters, more to himself than anything, then he grabs Anthony’s shirt and pulls him in.

That’s how Anthony ends up kissing Ian for the first time against cool stone at a party he doesn’t want to be at because he can’t keep his jealousy in check. Anthony is probably always going to be jealous, always going to have that bitter, rotten ugliness in there, always going to have to fight it. But maybe it was more to do with missing something he needed. Maybe he’s been trying to feed something that doesn’t want him, or maybe Ian just makes it gentler. Either way, as they break apart, that sharp, craving ache inside Anthony’s bones eases just a bit.

“Dumbass,” Ian smirks, only inches from his face, eyes wandering all over his face like he can’t get enough of Anthony’s stupefied expression.

Anthony swallows, and it tastes like Ian. The beast in his stomach tears into it hungrily, finally sated.

“So, two options,” Ian says. “We leave right now, just bolt for the car. Or,” he takes Anthony’s hand in his, “we go say goodbye to Theo together.”

Anthony can barely process what Ian’s saying, there’s so much room to breathe in his chest, things feel so easy, like all his bones have snapped into alignment. He tries, though, and Ian is patient for him. Before he answers, he kisses Ian again, feels him shift against the side of the house to get closer, to touch more of him, like he wants to be near that deep, ugly, choking jealousy.

“Fuck Theo,” Anthony breathes when they part.

Ian shakes his head. “Nah. Just you.” Anthony laughs. “Okay,” he agrees, leaning in for one more kiss. “Okay.”

[pokefossilclub]

Pokemon Fun Facts!

Out of all the frequently used Starter Pokemon trios, Chikorita has something of a reputation as being the ‘easiest’- the implication being that it has neither notable behavioural peculiarities nor complex or difficult care needs, and can therefore be given even to new trainers who may not have the ability to train anything more demanding like a Totodile.

And to a large extent, this is quite true! Chikorita, or at least the wild-type bred as starters, are docile, gentle, expressive and affectionate, and surprisingly sturdy and resilient- and they smell lovely! But they are still living creatures and not dolls, and they absolutely have their foibles.

One of the most common issues seen is picky eating! Like many Grass types, Chikorita require both physical food intake and photosynthesis to flourish and store up the energy required for growth and future evolution, and very few wild-types have problems with the photosynthesis side of things; sunbathing is a frequent and popular Chikorita pastime. But they are often very fussy about what they’re served to eat! There are probably more brands of commercially available Chikorita food on the market than for almost any Pokemon, and not all of it is because of their popularity as Contest Pokemon! They are also not above going on hunger strike, which can be a genuine problem for young trainers without easy access to a wide variety of foods to try them on!

Another potential pitfall for new trainers, depending on their goals, is that Chikorita can take a lot of training and experience to really shine in battle! Even aside from their relatively low attack power, they are often frightened or bewildered by the fast and aggressive pace of battling and will default to using status moves to defuse the situation or provide opportunity to escape. They absolutely can battle, and some are much more natural at it than others, but it takes work!

One more subtle problem is the fact that it is very easy for them to become overly dependent on their trainer, and they can suffer separation anxiety, jealousy of other Pokemon and people, and defence aggression as a result. It is strongly advisable to get your Chikorita used to spending time in its ball or away from you, and to keep other Pokemon alongside it if possible!

[grimescum]

random details on my ocs' mental illnesses and conditions

yuki – autism, strabismus (hypotropia)

- relies largely on his family since he's unfit for a full-time job. still tries to help out by doing small gigs for others, mostly pet-sitting

- considered "childish" by others, but he's just silly and doesnt really know when it's inappropriate to be

- was very good in school!! he wasn't the best at literature/reading and some more complicated math but he's still got decent grades

- has trouble with facial expressions. doesn't really know when to stop smiling or how to smile "properly", so he smiles with an open mouth

archie – autism, social anxiety, depression, tourettes, heavy stutter, nearsighted

- depression from being unable to form relationships with others and the subsequent bullying that came of it. he's still not the most confident but he's doing relatively better now

- was pretty good in school. having no friends kind of helped his grades since he spent most of his time studying or indulging in his special interest, comic books

- teeters on being a selective mute. doesn't like to talk. knows some sign language, but mostly to communicate with a distant cousin of his

- has trouble with facial expressions, but doesn't know when to smile. also because he just has more subdued emotions in general.

jerry – adhd, depression, hard of hearing, semi-monocular vision

- depression from failing in school, being disowned and being bounced around from home to home until settling with his current adoptive parents and two younger brothers

‐ childish because he felt the need to act tough and lash out

- bad eye on his right

- doesn't know division, most of his times tables and struggles with subtraction and multiplication

oleander – there are worms in his brain dude. there are holes in his skin

- no but he'd be a relatively normal guy if it werent for the parasite-curse thing he's got going on. maybe some depression from living a mostly solitary life but thats it.

- post worm infection, he's overly positive to an almost harmful degree. he's rarely ever lucid enough to be particularly sad or angry, but that's due to the effect the worms have on him rather than anything pre-existing

martin – anorexia, anemia, depression, insomnia, necrophile, masochist

- probably wouldn't be able to have a healthy romantic relationship with another person without intervention. can be unintentionally controlling and projects his desires onto others

- he's also convinced that a body he stole from the morgue he works at and then taxidermied is his wife. he thinks they're married. so,

‐ staunchly denies being a necrophile; "my feelings arent just sexual!! i mean they're not sexual at all!!!" (wojak image)

* unrelated fun fact: heimlich maneuver makes a person throw up their food. his last name is heinrich. he has anorexia. i jsug realized this

wiktor ‐ gigantism, eczema, arthritis

- no significant mental illnesses because he's just a chill kind of guy /j

raymond – anxiety, adhd, depression, amputee*

- depression and anxiety from not being able to connect with peers at a young age, thought to be "too sensitive" and cowardly

- mediocre in school. was more interested in cars and the like. wasn't able to go to college and suffered a bit more depression because of that

* a lot of drawings dont include his prosthetic because i debated whether or not giving it to him, but i think i should. he lost his arm after running into a street and getting hit by a car when he was young (ironic given that hes a mechanic)

frenzy - bpd, depression, adhd, monocular vision

- wants to be loved by all but doesn't know how to achieve that outside of superficial means, like appearance, status, etc

- lots of bottled up jealousy and rage makes her cope with her problems through violence. idolizes and crushes on serial killers because they get the attention she doesn't get. violence also makes her feel strong and capable when she's rarely felt that in her life

- obsessive behavior over anyone who is kind enough and/or enough of a pushover. can be seen with raymond

- did not gaf about school but didn't outright give up like jerry did

- right eye is literally gone lol. had to be removed after getting it scratched out while attacking someone

- not fucked up because of her bpd, but fucked up because of her upbringing + no treatment nor help + neglect btw. her being a bad person is not related

jitsuko - npd, bpd

- wants to be loved and believes she is more deserving of it than others because of her looks and personality

- experiences delusions. believes herself to be an angel in human form sent to heaven. feeds into her npd

- she gets her validation from her close friends (yuki and another undeveloped oc, hitachi*) and whichever loser she's sugar talked into being her paypig

- clearly does care about how people feel but insists that she doesn't. occasional obsessive behavior over those that give her the most validation.

- considers herself apart of the jirai community due to her explosive bouts of anger. she's quite well liked on the internet.

* unrelated fun fact: jitsuko, yuki and hitachi are some of my first ocs and were originally yandere simulator ocs :o3

* another unrelated fun fact since im working on developing her rn: her fashion style is a mix of hime gyaru, dark girly and preppy

ok my pain medicine is kicking in and making me sleepy so if some of this doesnt make sense or isnt well written i apologize loll zzz may make a part two at some point

[stephenjaymorrisblog]

When I Was Your Age

Stephen Jay Morris

10/31/23

©Scientific Morality

I don’t mean to be sesquipedalian. However, I do relish the use of vulgar, four-letter words. That's my writing style. Don’t like it? Go somewhere else. Don’t let me waste your time. Okay? No! I aint no keyboard warrior, I am a pen and paper iconoclast. Okay? Okay! Now let’s go to the subject at hand.

We have tepid biases, then we have severe biases. Both are an anathema to the traditional liberals, or so-called “Woke.” You know? Racism, sexism, ablism, agism and many others. Then you have acceptable biases like “Generation gap.” Also, there are geographical biases, astrological biases, and other silly ones, like music criticism, sports bias, etc. Does this sound familiar: “People born under the sign of Pisces are assholes! Most of them live in Florida! What a shitty state that is! Not only do they have criminals, but they have lousy sports teams!” It all sounds hateful and hypercritical, but it is acceptable in society. Just like political bias: “It’s alright to call someone a communist, but you can’t call them a nigger!”

The paleo-conservatives are much too cowardly to use racial epithets, so they use innocuous, acceptable biases like “geographical bias” to cover up their racial hatred and disdain for their political adversaries. Instead of saying, “A city full of niggers that is run by a Democratic city council,” they say, “Chicago.”  Now that the conservative movement is being taken over by the White Nationalist movement, they’re even more at ease using racist terminology.

Today, I want to tackle the subject of the Generation Gap. Every race, creed, or color has had this problem. It is an innocuous bias that has been around since 399 B.C., the days of the ancient Greek philosophers. Quote: “The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”― Socrates 399 B.C. End Quote. This didn’t just start with the Baby Boomers and their parents in the 60’s.

Every generation has its critics. Why do older people do this? Before I answer that question, let me point out that every individual has their own unique personality. Talking about generational issues, you tend to generalize. People who generalize are too stupid and indolent to elaborate. That is why most racists are stupid. So, why do most older people look down on the younger generation? Because they wish they were young enough to repair their misspent youth. Plus, they resent the better life their children have. Tag it “jealousy!”

Now, what I just said is a gross generalization. That may be true for some, but not all. There are parents who love their children, and those children reciprocate that love.  So, who is “anti-youth?” Mostly, this sentiment comes from the political Right in America! They want all males to be masculine warriors who will protect the ruling class, and all women to be birthing wives to increase the White population. Don’t believe me? Tough shit! Just read the history of any Fascist nation; it’s all the same.

The U.S. political Right wants every male in this country to be a self-reliant, rugged individual. Conservative news website and media company, “The Daily Wire,” makes lots of money from attacking the so-called Left. One of its commentators, Matt Walsh, wears a Fidel Castro beard and is a Millennial who attacks Generation Z. He cited a psychological study that found Gen Z-ers are suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. Matt, being the dumbass he is, did not sympathize with them, stating “they are just spoiled kids.” I get the feeling he never reads any pamphlets published by the Roman Catholic Church. He also stated that he has never experienced a panic attack, so therefore, there is no such thing. Any individual who has this mind set might suffer from psychopathological Narcissism. He has no ability to empathize. I pity his children and his wife.

I am a 69 year-old, Jewish male. Beginning at 11, I grew up having panic attacks. It was embarrassing and frequently occurred in public. These attacks came out of nowhere, not unlike an Epileptic seizure. I got them not because I had Liberal, hippie parents who were lenient with me; As I learned through psychotherapy many years later, it was because my neurons weren’t firing correctly and I had a bio-chemical imbalance in my brain. Matt Walsh thinks with his balls, not his brain.

A major upshot of this modern world is that religion is dying, and science is advancing. So, we must endure schmucks like Walsh until natural causes take hold.

Just remember, the world is getting better and better!

[holyhomo]

Would you consider Viveka a psychopath or a narcissist? (Undiagnosed obviously)

If so, would that have been passed down to any of her children? Their childhoods probably messed them up so what do they suffer from?

Also, was Freya the one that suggested throwing her kids at nannies and basically being detached from their lives? Did Viveka and Freya condone/look the other way the physical abuse they most likely went through? (i.e poor signe’s ass)

Well, Viveka is loosely based on Norman Bates, from American Psycho. I think that says a lot. Oh and she’s not the one with a substance abuse problem nor is she the one who has treated to kill others. That’s someone else you guys already know in Nightshift Nightmare. But who she is is a MASSIVE spoiler for a upcoming arc.

As for their children, they inherited some traits of Viveka (and obviously her appearance), but it’s only mindset and traits, no actual mental illnesses.

That said, they all definitely have mental health issues.

They all have self esteem issues, but besides that their issues vary.

Gunhildr suffers from dysthymia, PTSD and used to suffer from ODD and severe suicidal ideations. She was also an alcoholic, but stopped drinking pretty much completely after she went through the traumatic event that caused her PTSD. I’ve made some comments that could make it possible to figure out what happened, but I’ll share that it happened two years ago in the story.

Ragna doesn’t have narrsitric personality disorder, but does have some traits of it, though that has been going well since she started therapy. She tends to be overstressed and is the type to just drag herself through a burnout even though she suffers even more from doing so.

Ylva suffered from depression and anxiety, but that’s been going very well lately. She also had a lot of trouble forming healthy relationships. She’s also mentioned to have some minor substance abuse issues, she basically starts drinking and smoking when she gets stressed and depressed.

Signe has major relationship related issues and has severe trouble forming healthy romantic relationships with others. Besides that she has a learning disorder but I never really settled on what kind specifically.

Sigird has severe Atychiphobia (fear of failure) and some serious narcissistic traits very similar to her father.

Other characters also have mental health issues. From Eira’s obvious anxiety disorder and stuttering, to Iris also suffering from PTSD due to the same event as what caused Gunhildr’s PTSD.

Another character that I won’t spoil, suffers from Othello Syndrome, also known as Pathological jealousy. This is the same character as the one mentioned to have a substance abuse problem and who has treated to kill others.

As for the nannies… I need to be careful not to spoil something here…

So it was mainly a necessity. Viveka did fucking nothing regarding raising their kids besides trying to groom initially Gunhildr and then Ragna to be the heir by having them study hours on end.

Until the twins they just had general house help for the children, but after the twins, nannies became an absolute necessity. Each of the sisters had their own nanny looking after them, but it depended on their age how much said nanny would take care of them.

Gunhildr’s and Ragna’s nannies were also their governess/tutors.

Ylva had the only actually nice and caring nanny, though Ragna’s and Sigird’s weren’t too bad either. Gunhildr’s was just super scared of the rage fueled young Gunni. And well Signe’s… she was just a monster.

Freya did try to intervene, but was unable to actually do anything due to her own condition at the time.

Oh and when Gunhildr left home at 16, it was to study at the same school her father did till she graduated at 18. She was being driven mad at home and acting out even more because of it which caused her father to agree to it.

[lapushvibez]

can we have some jealous edward headcanons please?

have a great day!

jealous edward? sign me tf up. lol i hope you enjoyed this small hc list. please request more if you want. <3

We all know this man is SUFFERING from raging jealousy issues. It's less of "I own you" and more like he's depressed thinking of horrible scenarios.

If you have a best friend of the opposite sex he might act bitter around them/when they're mentioned.

He understands you deserve emotional connections and support from other people. You don't have to worry about him keeping you hostage or anything.

Edward will ALWAYS be with you though.. there's nothing strong enough to keep him away from his mate. Unless he needs to hunt.

Since he's gifted with the ability to read minds he can easily find out who's crushing on you and if they have any vulgar thoughts about you. Edward definitely lost his calm demeanor once or twice.

If looks could kill? Oh yeah. Whoever is trying to snatch you away from him would drop dead from his glares. Ice cold. Threatening.

Edward uses physical touch for silent reassurance. He grabs your hand. Squeezes gently. Pulls you closer. Kisses your forehead. Rubs your lower back.

Soft eye contact with you. He honestly looks like a kicked puppy sometimes. He's practically begging you to stay with him. Please take the time to ease his anxiety. He'll appreciate it more than you expect.

Edward's never angry at you whenever he gets jealous. He's pissed at the person who managed to get under his cold skin. The minute he looks at you he softens and asks for permission to hold you.

Remember that scene in eclipse after Jake kissed Bella? Yeah, you'll see that type of outburst at least once. Oops.

The best way to comfort him during these episodes of jealousy is to baby him. Cuddle him. Whisper words of affirmations. Confess your affection and love shamelessly. Although he has a habit of trying to convince you NOT to feel that way, he'll learn to like it and eventually love hearing you talk so highly of him.

It's rare he speaks when jealous. But when he does it's obvious what mood he's in. His words are sharp. Sentences are short. Full of irritation and dominance.

"They're busy with me tonight."

"They're taken."

"I'm their boyfriend."

"They don't want you here." (He has no problem speaking up for you, if that's what you prefer.)

Edward kisses you a little too passionately in front of others. Especially at school in the parking lot. He knows people are staring. He wants everyone to see you're all his and always will be.

If you have an ex bf/gf.. Good luck.

This man will glare at them 24/7. Hates them with a burning passion. Even if the break up was done respectfully. He'll never understand how someone could CHOOSE to leave someone like you.

But at the same time he wants to show you off and he's happy they let you go. Now you're all his.

You're his mate. He's in love and obsessed. Nothing will ever be able to calm his love for you. He loves you loudly and proudly. Extremely protective as well.

[astroyongie]

XG April Reading

Note: please remember to take it with a grain of salt. This is also my first reading on the girls and I don’t know them a lot so feel free to feedback ! 

Jurin

Love: In my opinion, Jurin was in a relationship before she debuted. And once she did, she had to cut ties with the person she was seeing that wasn’t an idol and highly probably someone from Japan. She is having still a hard time because she cared for this person dearly, but her comes comes first

Career:  She has been procrastinating a little lately and self limiting herself, probably because she thinks she isn’t enough. That because one of the staff that works with her (maybe a dancing coach, a manager, etc) is being very harsh and very critical with her. Which is affecting her performances

Health:

Physical: Healthy, just tired

Mental: She isn’t someone that speaks a lot of her feelings, she prefers to bottle it up, and of course that isn’t good. She doesn’t have the best healthy behaviors either. Despite meditating a lot, she has a lot of fears that aren’t true

Chisa

Love: I didn’t got much info and the little I got I am not suppose to share. So I will just say that she had/s someone in her life, and despite maybe not being around them, she knows her heart will always belong to them

Career:  First thing, I want to say that this girl has a very strong energy spiritually speaking. There’s a lot happening in her career, decisions that weren’t made yet, and her feeling trapped and complexity under the mercy of her manager that is trying to help her get her projects done. Chisa talks and communicates a lot inside the company, about her needs, but also for the members. I have no idea if she is the leader or not, but she acts like it at least. She is also very well intended and hearted as she is trying to prioritize her members health

Health:

Physical: She might feel pain on her lower backs usually, also if she can, she should stay away from alcohol

Mental: A poor mental health, full of guilt and repetition of traumas  

Cocona

Love: Since she is still a minor, talking about what’s going on, on her love life might be a little complicated, so I will only state that she is very happy with her love life, that she has her eyes on someone and she is living a normal and healthy teenage love story

Career:  She has been working very very hard on her projects, spending a lot of time training with her teammates and doing the best she can to get ready for the company’s plan, which seem to be including the world. Perhaps a new comeback might be close. Cocona however needs to be careful with the jealousy, there’s someone inside the group that has a lot of jealousy over her talent

Health:

Physical: Hormonal issues, chest pains and breathing problems. She needs to take things easy and check for asthma or any type of disease in that area

Mental:  she is okay, but she has been very agitated lately and very very angry as well (maybe related with her hormones, but she gets easily angered)

Hinata

Love: A lot of information for her, first thing first, Hinata seem to have been in a relationship as well, but not anymore, as she was offered something better and thus, have broken up with her partner. It’s probably seemly like Jurin, where for her career she left her partner, to focus on work only

Career:  Her sponsor (a girl, feels like a motherly figure too), is behind her and helping her with everything that she needs. I see so much abundance for Hinata, and the fact that she has been writing her own lycris and trying to be productive on her own way. I also feel like she has been offered some type of solo activity, that her sponsor and her are still managing and thinking to accept it

Health:

Physical:  She doesn’t eat a lot, and her sexual energy is a little bit high

Mental:  She has a poor self esteem, a lot of repressed memories inside her little mind. Hinata suffers from anxiety and from the feeling that she has abandoned her family

Maya

Love: I feel that Maya is currently In a relationship, the person has a strong feminine energy around them. They have known themselves for 8 months, and they have been going out from the past month and half. Well she seem to be happy currently with her situation. Also I fee like she hasn’t spend time with her family, has kinda of cut ties almost, and instead spend times with what she calls her “new family”

Career: She too has someone inside the group that is jealous of her, and I feel like they have been arguing lately, and Maya was the one who had to apologize for things which made her feel like it was an injustice. Other than that, her career is going wells and she is investing her money well  

Health:

Physical: high sexual energy as well, and some headaches

Mental:  she is very very sensible lately

Juria

Love: She too was in a relationship, but due to the difference of age and her debut they had to separate as well. However, she has kept close contact with this person and they are still very close, still friends and their relationship is for now in the friendship state

Career:  She has been very upset lately with her work and also overwhelmed even I would say, since she still has some debts that she needs to pay off that haven’t been payed. Other than that, she is enjoying her life as an idol, she is taking her luck, learning a lot from her members and herself and enjoying these opportunities to fly and meet new countries

Health:

Physical: Thyroid should be checked. Sore throat but also belly aches are recurrent due to her poor alimentation. She should check her digestive system as well

Mental: she has been healing a lot, mentalized her issues and her past. Still, there’s a lot of things she should get away from, because the people she is friends with aren’t the most healthy ones  

Harvey

Love: Like the other girls, she too had been in a relationship, but she had to terminate it due to her debuting. At the moment she I single and she isn’t looking for any type of love

Career: Seems like she has been the member who had an argument with Maya, however in her energy and facts, she was the one being betrayed by her. The higher up of the group is actually managing these whole discussions and trying to stop it. Other than that, Harvey have been lucky, she has been progressing in her career and even using her own creativity into the group ideas

Health:

Physical: okay

Mental:  okay

[belit0]

Caught in the Act

sharinganslut

can you like have madara ruining your shit and tobirama and hashirama come in and catch you (female reader) thank you i’m just a slut😀 and fuck anon i want people to know i’m horny

We are all horny ppl when it comes to the Uchiha. I fucking support you a lot, I’m like that but with Indra

Rating: E

Pairing: [Uchiha Madara / Fem Reader]

Additional Characters: [Senju Hashirama] [Senju Tobirama]

Tw: Domination, Degrading, Roughness, Some Praising

“Tell me why do I have to be here when this is a favor requested of you?

"Because if I have to suffer Hashirama’s lack of intellect, you as my lover will too. Now find that man’s fucking coat so he can stop bothering me.”

It’s nothing new to witness the leader of the Senju lose and forget his Hokage dressing gown, but it’s something that always causes great annoyance to the leader of the Uchiha. Outraged at his old friend’s lack of responsibility, when Hashirama asks him to help find it for him, Madara only avoids exploding in the air because he knows it’s a good excuse to spend time with you and not working.

“I could be taking a nap at home… Or having some sweet jasmine tea while thinking about the beautiful face you make when you get angry… Maybe even eating something while I remember your muscles on me and- ”

“You’re walking on thin ice, [Y/N]. Shut up and look.”

With a tense posture, Madara passed by you, heading to check out the different rooms of his best friend’s house. Imitating his action, you took a different route from him, and searched the other end of the big building.

Sliding the door of Hashirama’s main room, you hit the target first. On the large two-person bed, stretched out, red and immaculate, lay that piece of cloth that gave reason to your lover’s grumpiness.

Entering the bedroom, you slid your hand over the material, feeling the softness in your fingertips. A mischievous urge attacked your mind, and a great idea to provoke Madara suddenly struck you.

Quickly, to prevent him from catching you in the act, you put on the Hokage garment, which was considerably large. Hashirama was monstrously tall, so the cloth touched the floor and dragged over it when you slid it over your shoulders.

Laughing weakly, you looked at yourself in the mirror on one of the walls, and found that the cloth was not at all flattering in your form. Even more tempted, you tried to keep your composure, and prepared for the stampede that would come upon you in a minute.

“Dear! I found it! But there’s something wrong with it, hurry up up and come have a look!”

After a second, you heard Madara’s footsteps approaching the room where you were, and the anticipation in your chest began to grow. Suddenly, you regretted your stupid joke a little. Walking down the corridor, you heard him talking, without even reaching the door.

“What do you mean by something wrong? If you did something to that damn piece of trash I swear that-”

Posing, you surprised him with a… great… idea. With both arms in the air and over your head, you put on the best smile of satisfaction that your features could have had at his reaction, and despite the growing anxiety in your stomach about his glance, you rejoiced for a second in the situation.

Yes, one second.

From the door frame, the Uchiha was paralyzed by the image you offered to him. His eyes had quickly changed from a deep black colour to a bright red, with an unnerving dancing pattern in them, characteristic of Mangekyōu.

His shoulders were stiff in their stance, his chest was forced up and down by clearly strained breathing, his biceps were increasingly inflated with every second that passed thanks to the two fists he held tightly on either side of his body.

His hair began to bristle, and the tension in the air became extremely heavy. Not brave enough to speak or look him in the eye, you put your hands together in front of your legs, bent your shoulders and your head. Reducing your size as much as possible, as if trying to make yourself invisible to Madara’s terrifying gaze, you waited for the inevitable.

With the voice that made your blood run cold and your hair stand on end, he spoke, intimidating from across the room.

“What… are you… doing… with… that…”

“I-I-”

A grunt erupted from his chest, deep and serious, animalistic, making you exult when it hit your ears. Without courage, you continued to stare at the ground.

“That… belongs… to him.”

You nodded, hoping that your good behavior would calm the beast in front of you.

“You… are… not… his…”

Another nod.

“So, tell me… WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?”

“I-IM S-SORRY-Y”

“Look at me.”

Trembling and in your reduced form, you raised your head reluctantly, staring at those terrifying red orbs. Suddenly, all you wanted to do was take off that dressing gown once and for all, show Madara that it was a foolish mistake.

“Who is your owner?”

“Madara-Sama.”

You said it without hesitation, quickly after his question, which generated a slight smile of satisfaction on the Uchiha’s face. Crossing his arms over his chest and looking at you over his nose, he continued.

“Are you mine, or are you his [Y/N]?

"I am all yours Madara-Sama.”

“Kneel before me.”

“Look what a pathetic bitch you are, dressed in that shit, taking my orders without a problem… Tell me [Y/N] Why should I fuck you right now?”

Knowing your man’s habits, you answered.

“Because I’m a stupid little whore who needs your cock right here, right now. Please Madara-Sama, don’t deny it to me, I need you inside my tight pussy.

"Oh well, really? If my slut is so desperate for my dick, you leave me no choice but to give you what you ask for.”

“Please sir.”

“Come here.”

On all fours, knowing what turns him on, you crawled to his feet, where you sat back on your knees and looked at him from below.

“Use your filthy little mouth.”

Obeying his orders, you rose to the height of his hips. Biting the waist of his trousers, you captured the cloth between your teeth, and with experience you lowered it strongly to his ankles.

“What a talented little pup, an expert in doing everything without hands… Go on”

Smiling slightly at his compliment, you repeated the action, but in his underwear, revealing a semi-erect limb, which promised to harden with little effort.

“No hands, or I’ll have to take them off.”

Faced with Madara’s threat, you understood that it was better to stick to his rule than to challenge him, and you introduced his penis into your mouth, maneuvering your head at a strange angle.

Working at a steady pace, his member became rigid in a matter of a couple humid strokes and your task became easier. Moaning at the situation generated by a foolish prank, you devoured your man’s cock with hunger.

After a few minutes in the same rhythm, Madara needed a speed boost, and he grabbed your hair. Combing it into his grip while breathing heavily thanks to your supplies, he held it with one of his big hands, forming a ponytail. With the new security of the hairstyle, he was able to use your hair as a handle to press your head harder against his length. As your nose hit his pelvis and your throat begged for a break, you placed both hands on his thighs, trying to free yourself from his hold.

At that moment, he stopped all activity dead on, but did not allow you to free your mouth. Even with his limb inside your moist cavity, he moved away from you a little to stop the pressure at the bottom of your throat, and spoke.

“I said without hands [Y/N]… Did your hunger for my dick cloud your mind? No problem, I told you that I would take care of it if necessary.”

Without further ado, he took your wrists and held them above your head, fully stretching your arms. Releasing your hair, he gave you the freedom to move as you wished, but now your upper limbs were minutes away from losing circulation and falling asleep, which was a big pain in the ass.

Because that’s what Madara is really like, a big, big pain in the ass.

Taking up your task, you put your best effort to make him cum just with your mouth. Moaning over his member, your pussy was dripping from him to hear him talk, on the verge of his orgasm.

“Oh [Y/N] don’t you dare stop, keep it up, you beautiful obedient whore. Eat my whole cock like it’s all you need, I want to fill that naughty little slut’s mouth with all my cum”.

“Agh… -gasp- [Y/N] -gasp- I’m… I’m…”

A shot of hot liquid hit the bottom of your throat, while you felt his limb throbbing inside your cavity. Swallowing everything he had to offer, you dutifully waited for his release to end.

“What a good puppy… I think you’ve earned the benefit of being rewarded. Take it all off.”

With a broad smile coming from his compliments, you did what he asked, standing completely naked in front of him.

“Put Hashirama’s coat back on.”

Without wanting to contradict him and make him angry again, you took the garment from the floor and dressed it on your naked body, looking at him with curious and expectant eyes.

“In bed, lying on your stomach.”

Putting yourself in the right position, you waited.

“Show me that beautiful ass of mine, rise it up.”

Following his demand, and with your stomach still leaning on the bed, you positioned your legs over your knees, providing an easy entrance for Madara. What you did not expect, is that the Uchiha would continue with his jealousy whim.

Taking Hashirama’s gown in both hands, he tore a hole where your cunt was, accessing it through the fabric instead of removing it from your body.

“MADARA! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIS TO HASHIR- ”

Two fingers were inserted mercilessly inside you without warning, moving towards a specific point that made you moan suddenly.

“You will not say another man’s name when you are giving yourself to me you naughty whore.”

An overpowering spanking hit your skin covered by cloth, making your whole being vibrate.

“Tell me [Y/N], tell me whose pussy is this.”

“…M-Mad-dara’s!”

A third finger entered you, moving at an overwhelming frequency. A second spanking hit your buttock before he spoke again.

“You don’t sound very convinced… I’m going to ask you again. Who is the owner of this pathetic little cunt?”

“MADARA-SAMA!”

His tongue attacked your slit for a few long seconds, before inserting his fingers back into you accompanied by more spanking.

“PLEASE MADARA I BEG YOU.”

“What is it [Y/N]? What does my slut want?”

“I NEED YOUR COCK INSIDE ME, DON’T TEASE ME ANYMORE, PLEAHHHG… -gasp-”

He got into you firmly, using your fluids as sufficient lubrication to slide in. Hashirama’s coat soon found itself soaked in the body liquids flowing from the union between the two bodies, with the hole in the fabric being the main factor in allowing penetration.

Lost in the pleasure of both, drowning in moaning and heat, neither of you noticed when the front door opened and closed, when footsteps sounded down the hall, or when two pairs of curious and surprised eyes stopped to look at the scene unfolding before them.

“M-Madara?”

The Uchiha slammed on the brakes, being able to recognize that voice anywhere. Not coming out of you, he faced the gaze of Hashirama and Tobirama.

Understanding the situation, you refused to face those men, and hid your face in your arms and the leftover cloth, holding your eyes and hoping that the shame would soon be over.

“This… well…"

Without noticing it, his pelvis moved involuntarily towards you, hitting a spot with his member just inside you and making you moan in front of the two brothers.

Tobirama blushed completely, coughing uncomfortably and looking away, while Hashirama seemed not to care at all.

"Is that my dressing gown?

"Yes… we found it…”

“Oh well… oh well… I’ll send you the ticket later… Shall we go Tobi?”

“But brother! They are using your bed, they broke your clothes, they desecrate your room! You should say something to that damn Uchiha instead of…”

A growl of fury escaped from inside Madara, who was still inside you, when Hashirama interrupted before a fight broke out.

“Now, now, Tobi, you’ll understand when you stop being a virgin… come on, there’s a new tea shop I’m really dying to try!”

“HASHIRAMA!”

The front door soon opened and closed again, and at the same time, Madara took his overwhelming step over you, thanking his beautiful friendship with Hashi from the heart.

[avpdrecovery-old]

very suspicious minds

at the heart of the suffering with avpd is suspicion. suspicion of the world around us, the people around us, their actions and what they means for us and potentially our safety. every micro-expression, unconscious body language is taken apart and evaluated.

in my case, it is from here that everything else fans out. avoidance, hypervigilence, anxiety to do the simplest things such as run errands, talking on the phone, sending job applications, interacting with people, epecially new people... at the core of it all is the suspicion that nothing is as it seems. that there is some plot i am unaware of and need to stay away from.

pre-avpd, i was still a child, i never thought i was important enough or had done anything egregious enough to warrant anyone “plotting” against me. it just didn’t make sense. i was not a bully, i was not popular enough to warrant jealousy from other kids. i was just average and had no enemies to speak of, who does at eleven?

i think it is because of this (and my trigger, explained here) that my mind grew overly suspicious of everyone and everything. if there had been something to explain the behaviour of my bullies, outside of the fact that they just didn’t like me, i think i would have been able to stomach it better, i don’t know. but there was no reason behind their bullying, which meant from then on, my brain was going to watch out and try to protect me from anyone and everything. whether i liked it or not.

it is normal to be nervous when interacting with new people, whether we’re kids or grown ups. after all as humans, we natually do not want to be rejected or abandoned by the group. as a “former” extrovert i still remember the thrill of walking up to kids on the playground or at family gatherings excited that i had found someone to play with. however, the thrill/fear that i felt then was small and didn’t stop me from interacting, i just pushed through it. and even if there was rejection and they didn’t want to play, the rejection didn’t linger, i would simply find someone else, or play on my own in the meantime.

however, post-avpd, my mind has never been the same and it started slowly. after that summer, we moved again and i changed schools again. i remember telling myself that this time things would be different, after all i had finally left those insufferable girls behind me. in fact i remember walking up to them, after all that had happened, and telling them that i would be moving away soon and wouldn’t have to deal with their bullshit anymore. lil eleven year old me actually told off her bullies, can you imagine?!

anyway, the new school full of new kids was upon me, but i just couldn’t stop the programing that was suddenly running in the back of my brain. suspicion.exe had been started and there was no way to turn it off. every friendly face i encountered felt like it might be hiding a smirk, like it might just be a ploy to get me to let my guard down. after all, exactly that had just happened and it had nearly cost me my life. how was i to know what was genuine and what was a plot? i kept my guard up and slowly turned cold.

i’m sure puberty hormones as well as age played into this as well, but i also became extremely fearful of humiliation and embarassment. not exactly the best thing when you’re at an age where you’re supposed to be learning to make mistakes, grow up and do many things for the first time. but mistakes = embarassment and potential for humiliation. and that meant possible rejection, abandonment or even worse, so the avoidance slowly crept in. i started avoiding other kids, activities, places, etc... unless i was 100% sure i would be safe somehow.

my mother said she observed me, the playground aficionado and lover of swings and slides everywhere, back away from one and insist on going home when i saw a group of kids there. this had been unheard of before, but she just assumed i was growing older and didn’t want to play childishly anymore. little did she know that everything had become a potential trap for humiliation to me, speaking to other kids, speaking to boys, saying something in class, etc...

a few years after that, i viscerally remember being afraid to order something from mcdonalds on my own. this is coming from someone who had spent every visit as a child in those god forsaken ballpits. but suddenly, i just couldn’t, couldn’t even go inside the restaurant. just picturing myself going to mcdonalds, set me off and made me feel ill. if it hadn’t been for a friend who unknowingly gave me a tutorial on how to do it, i would never have stepped foot in one ever again.

making friends became hell, because i seemingly couldn’t read people anymore, couldn’t decide whom to trust and whom not to. in fact, pre-avpd trust had never even crossed my mind. we either got along or we didn’t. if we did we were friends, otherwise we weren’t, no hard feelings. now, i suddenly found myself trying to figure out whom it was even safe to even talk to and whom not. all the while suspicion.exe rattled away in my brain, constantly making me feel i was in danger. looking back, i can say that every friendship i have ever had since (an they are not many), has been somewhat onesided from my end. i never revealed my true feelings, fears and problems, since those too were potential sources of humiliation. and i didn’t trust anyone enough to not use that against me. even though i had several bffs during my teen years, girls with whom i hung out one on one for years on end, i can say that non of them knew what was actually going on in my head, because i never told them. i wore a mask, a mask that was essentially me but watered down, and nothing real ever came to the surface. in fact this level of trust, that you could just tell your friend what you are really thinking and feeling or whom you have a crush on or some other secret thing, is alien to me now that i think about it.

a lot has happened since then obviously, i’ll probably return to this subject again, to explain how suspicion has affected me since. but i can sadly say that that programing is still running today. with other settings of course, but it’s still there. i should also add, none of this was conscious. i was doing all these things, but i wasn’t even aware. only in looking back am i able to connect the dots like this.

[chaseatinydream]

pirate king (17) || atz

San looks over your hands gently, turning them over in his. His fingers trace the scrapes your fall on the cobbles have left behind, and he shakes his head in disapproval.

Then he lets your hands rest on the table of the sickbay and picks up a clean cloth with tweezers, soaking it in rum before wiping your hands down with it, removing any small pieces and blood still remaining on them. Your palms sting, but it’s nothing compared to the anguish in your heart.

“What happened?” San murmurs softly as he works on your wound. You remember Seonghwa had mentioned that San was a better healer of the heart than he was of any physical ailment, but the thought of Seonghwa’s once cheerful, smiling face twists at your chest and lungs like a poisonous vine.

The lump in your throat refuses to go away.

“I don’t know.” You reply in all due honesty. Truly, till now you still don’t understand what had happened to the gentle, kind-hearted cook, but you can only piece together what you have guessed from the incident earlier.

Seonghwa was afraid of the gallows.

Yunho has taught you that the brightest smiles can hide the most bitter tears, but you’ve never expected that the man who’d first treated you with such kindness has suffered so much.

San continues staring at you for a while. Then he finally puts down the cloth and whispers to you in a soft, secretive tone.

“Hey, look at this.”

You frown in confusion, but San places a single finger on your torn skin. Closing his eyes, you see his brows furrow in concentration before a tingling feeling starts to blossom across your hand from where San’s fingertip touches yours, warmth chasing the slight sting in your hand away. You feel as if you’ve dunked your hand in a warm bath, the heat emanating from San’s finger too real to be a mere figment of your imagination.

Then it happens.

Fascination washes over you as you stare at your hand in wonderment. The bleeding slows gradually and finally stills, before you watch the skin and damaged tissue steadily knitting itself back together like a spider’s web. In the end, the entire wound closes, leaving the skin of your palm a soft baby pink.

Your mouth falls open.

“Master, did you just-”

“I’ll be teaching you this over the next few days. Remember, don’t ever attempt this without me. It’s potentially fatal if you don’t know how to do it. Do your best to learn it fast.” San’s smile is a little sad, a little forced. Your initial excitement fades at your master’s clear unease. “I get the feeling we might need it.”

Your fingers brush the silver hairpin tucked securely in your belt for good luck. You don’t like the sound of that.

You know what your master is implying, that there will be much conflict happening soon. But you don’t like to admit that it may be coming already. You and your master sit in momentary silence, both preparing yourselves for what may be to come.

“Sanie, Chin Hae.” The two of you turn to the person who’s come knocking on the sickbay’s door. It’s Wooyoung, purple hair rumpled, rouge smeared on his clavicle and dark circles under his eyes from yesterday, but the unusually grim expression on his handsome face shows he isn’t exactly reminiscing happily about night before. “Captain wants to see us in his cabin, now.”

His tone gives no room for argument.

“Got it.” San rises to his feet, his expression neutral. You only know that there’s unease flickering in his eyes from the way his shoulders are tensed. Since you and Mingi have returned from desperately searching the town for Seonghwa, you’ve found out from Wooyoung, who’s just arrived himself with Yeosang, that Seonghwa had dashed up the gangplank in tears, all alone and ignoring the concerned shouts of his crewmates, before locking himself up in the kitchen galley by himself.

Ever since then, Hongjoong and Yeosang, as the most level headed of the lot, have been discussing what to do about this in the captain’s cabin, instructing for no one to enter while the meeting is still underway. Seonghwa might be only one person, but he means a great deal to many of the crew on board and for the whole afternoon, there has been a gloomy air settling over the ship, the deck unnaturally quiet and subdued.

Your mind has been filled with worry for the cook the entire afternoon, but then San brought you down to the sickbay to get away from the stress of it all. The initial concern and panic has worn off a little, but you can still your anxiety lingering at the back of your mind like an itch that can’t be scratched.

“Is Seonghwa-hyung okay?” You ask feebly, gripping the silver hairpin tight as the three of you make your way to the captain’s cabin beneath the quarterdeck. Wooyoung shrugs, mouth drawn into a thin, concerned line.

“I don’t know. Yunho’s with him to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid, but...” His voice trails off as you stop outside the captain’s cabin. Wooyoung raps sharply on the door and you hear the captain call ‘come in’ from inside.

San pushes the door open and the three of you crowd into the room. Captain is sitting at the desk, massaging his temples with his fingers as he indicates for Mingi to lock the door behind you three. His blonde hair is falling out of its usual mullet, mussed and uncombed, as if he hasn’t had the time to do anything else this morning. You sit on the bed, sandwiched between Wooyoung and San, while Yeosang and Mingi stand around, looking equally tense and uncomfortable.

All three of them have dark rings around their eyes and grim, troubled looks on their faces. You can’t believe it was barely a night before that you had been drinking together, celebrating your integration into the crew, but this is your present now.

“Chin Hae.” Captain Hongjoong addresses you first and you snap to attention, back straightening as you look at your captain. His face is lined and etched with worry, so painfully obvious you almost wonder if Captain can actually feel Seonghwa’s internal agony and turmoil. “Can you tell us what happened today morning after Mingi left the two of you alone?”

You nod hesitantly. It only happened this morning, so the memory is still fresh in your mind, but the image of Seonghwa’s grief stricken face, how alone the two of you were and worst of all, your inability to do anything, weighs on your mind almost crushingly.

“Mingi-hyung, Seonghwa-hyung and I were shopping in the marketplace for herbs when someone bumped into me and snatched the herbs.” You begin, recalling the event to your mind. “Mingi-hyung said to go around to the town square to cut the thief off, so we did, but then when we reached the town square Seonghwa-hyung saw the hanging and suddenly started panicking and I didn’t know what to do and-”

Wooyoung’s hand is on your shoulder before you even realise that your breathing has started to turn irregular. “Breathe, Chin Hae.” His voice is as commanding as steel, yet as soft as velvet. San nods at you empathetically, rubbing circles into your back as you try to keep your breathing steady.

“I ran over as soon as I heard the bells, but I was too late.” Mingi says grimly, shaking his head, eyes downcast as if he personally blames himself for this happening. “I could have been there. I should have been there.”

Silence.

“I should have known what to do.” You murmur under your breath, a lump forming in your throat. There’s something lingering deep in your chest, you realise. It hurts more than empathy, eats you away from the inside more painfully that jealousy.

Guilt.

“None of this was your fault.” Yeosang says quietly, his voice almost cracking, but he speaks it like it’s a fact and not merely his opinion. “Especially not yours, Mingi.”

“It’s my job!” Mingi almost snarls, a glassiness to his eyes that makes you feel like crying from shame. The two of you were there, you should have protected Seonghwa, kept him safe. “That’s why you assigned me to follow Seonghwa-hyung around whenever we’re in town to keep this from happening, and look what I just did! I left his side for some goddamn cordyceps! As if this could buy back Seonghwa-hyung’s peace of mind!”

He throws the bag of herbs to the ground.

You don’t even realise you’re shaking from barely restrained sobs until San wraps an arm around your shoulders, pulling you into a side embrace. He doesn’t speak, knowing no amount of words can change your mind about your failure at this point, but instead giving you the physical comfort you need.

“Mingi, keep your cool. You’re scaring Chin Hae.” Captain’s voice is cold and detached, leaving no room for disobedience. Wooyoung nods in agreement. The captain continues speaking. “And regarding Seonghwa’s problem, Yeosang and I have been discussing whether to do something or not.  A plan, if you will.”

Mingi echoes your thoughts. “Plan?”

The navigator nods, a little jittery but face set in determination. “We’re sailing to Nassau.”

The word means nothing to you, but you can feel Wooyoung and San stiffen. Mingi gapes at his captain, as if he didn’t hear him right the first time.

“What?”

“We’re sailing back to Nassau. We’re going to find the person that got Seonghwa’s family hanged on false charges, and if Seonghwa so wishes, I’m sending him to hell.” Hongjoong elaborates, a little more clearly but his voice as sharp as the edge of his cutlass. “That’s the closure Seonghwa needs.”

The person that got Seonghwa’s family hanged on false charges.

“What if we sail back and Seonghwa-hyung has a relapse just like last time?” Wooyoung interjects nervously, foot tapping impatiently on the floor. But San shakes his head.

“He’s gotten stronger. It’s been six years, after all.”

“How do you know?” Mingi spits back, but your master replies without a trace of doubt in his voice.

“Ever since Chin Hae joined us, he made the choice to sleep below in the main hold instead of in the sick bay in my room.” Your eyes fly open, you’ve just remembered that your bed, the one you sleep in now, used to belong to Seonghwa. You open your mouth to apologise, but you master continues speaking. “He said he didn’t want to rely on my sleeping incense anymore, and that he needs to face his fears. Chin Hae coming was just a catalyst for him to take that first step.”

Your heart clenches in your chest. This whole time, you had no idea…

“I believe that he’s growing stronger.” Yeosang states, nodding his head. “In the past, Seonghwa-hyung wouldn’t sleep without that steak stuffed toy San gave him, but when Chin Hae came, he told me to lock it in strongbox because he was going to be in the hammocks and wouldn’t need it anymore.”

Part of you is honestly struck dumb. The entire time you’d been on ship, Seonghwa-hyung had been trying to turn his life around, and you had no idea at all.

“So there’s that, Mingi and Wooyoung.” Hongjoong ends off the debate smoothly, fixing the pair with piercing stares. “Are you ready to accept the plan now?”

Wooyoung simply sighs while Mingi nods reluctantly in agreement. Then you pipe up nervously.

“Captain…”

Immediately, everyone in the room turns to look at you, and you wish you’d just kept your fat mouth closed. But since everyone’s expectant eyes are already on you, you simply continue to speak your mind.

“Can I… talk to Seonghwa-hyung?”

To your surprise, the captain doesn’t question your request, simply rising to his feet. “It’s no problem at all. I was intending on talking to him myself. Come with me.”

San gives your hand a squeeze and a worried look. Do you want me to come with you?

You shake your head, squeezing it back as you stand up and follow your captain out of the cabin. The two of you walk in silence down to the galley.

“I’m sorry this had to happen the day after you got your name.” He says softly, and you turn to look at your captain. His cheeks are slightly sunken, mouth turned downwards in a worried frown. You’ve never seen your captain so worried, so concerned.

You wonder if he’d do the same for you.

“It’s fine.” You reply quietly, shaking your head as you climb down the stairs to the galley. “Seonghwa-hyung is more important to me than any celebration.”

When the two of you reach the bottom of the stairs, you see Yunho pacing in front of the kitchen door like a caged tiger. He sees you, and your heart almost breaks when you see the lookout’s face drawn with exhaustion and worry.

“Captain. Chin Hae.” He sounds spent, both physically and emotionally, but he straightens up while blinking the weariness from his eyes. “Do you need me for something?”

“Go take a nap, Yunho, you look like you need it.” Captain pats the lookout on the back, but Yunho shakes his head desperately, as if trying to clear his mind.

“But I need to be here.” His protest is weak and worn, like he’s about to keel over any second. The captain shakes his head.

“Chin Hae and I will be here. Don’t worry.” He reassures the taller man and all at once you see Yunho’s shoulders sag from the relief.

“Oh.” Yunho tries hard not to sound too relieved, but he can’t help the yawn that spills from his mouth. “Thanks, cap’n.”

With that, he stumbles past the two of you and staggers up the stairs, out of sight.

“Seonghwa-hyung?” You move to the door, rapping hesitantly on the wood. It’s the first time you’ve ever been denied entry to the kitchens and in your mind’s eye, you see all the happy times the two of you have had together in the galley, the first time he taught you to use a knife, the incident in which you’d nearly burned the kitchen down, the time you’d mastered cooking Seonghwa’s favourite grilled steak. “It’s Chin Hae.”

It’s silent for a moment and you turn to glance at your captain in a panic.

“Hey, Chin Hae.” Finally, you hear Seonghwa’s voice from behind the door, raw from tears and soft with vulnerability. Relief washes over you and you bow your head to hide your tears. “I’m sorry for making you worry about me, Hongjoong-ah.”

“Shut up.” The captain suddenly snaps, his own voice thick. “Don’t ever apologise for worrying me. I want you to tell me all your problems, burden me with everything, share life with me and the crew. We’re a family.”

There’s a soft inhale from behind the door as you slide to sit next to it. “Did we at least get the cordyceps back, Chin Hae?”

You snort through your tears. “Yeah, but Mingi-hyung threw them on the floor earlier.”

A weak chuckle. “Well, we’ll just buy more then. I’ll have to scold that Mingi for wasting all that… They were expensive.”

“Are you okay, Seonghwa-hyung?” You sniff, wiping your tears with your sleeve. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes… I am.” His voice is right there, at the door. “Chin Hae… can I… tell you about Ha Rin?”

Ha Rin.

Captain stiffens next to you, and you glance at him in confusion.

“Of course.” You tell him, trying to stop your nose from running, sitting up a little straighter even though he can’t see you. “I’d be honoured.”

“She was my younger sister.” His voice is soft, lost, far away, reminiscent of the time Jongho and Yunho had been telling you about their pasts. “I lived with her, my parents and my younger brother Hyunjung in Nassau. We ran an eatery by the harbour. Those were some of the happiest days of my life.”

The way he says it, with such yearning, makes jealousy clench around you. You have nothing to look back so fondly on.

“One day, I was at the harbor when one of my friends called me to the town square.”

Something sinks in your chest. You know where this is going.

“The town officials accused my parents of harboring pirates and sentenced my entire family to death at the gallows. And I did nothing but watch as my family were hung before my eyes.”

You recognise the emotion spilling from him, gnawing away at him from within. It’s an immense guilt, all consuming as a tidal wave.

Captain exhales next to you heavily, but he doesn’t look surprised at all by the news. Then you remember Seonghwa-hyung has been a member of the crew for six years now, of course Seonghwa would trust his captain with his past.

“Ha Rin was only nine. Hyunjung was eleven. I was supposed to take care of them, I was supposed to protect them.” He laughs but it sounds brittle and self deprecating, the weight of his failure settling on his shoulders. “And yet… I was the only one who survived.”

You don’t know what to say. Your fingers reach under the door, seeking his warmth on instinct.

There’s a pause.

Then his fingers intertwine with yours, gripping them tight. “I thought I could atone for my failure by taking care of the members on board the ship, but it seem that I’m failing in even that too. I still hear their voices, calling for me to join them every time I close my eyes. Maybe the gods are punishing me for my sins.”

You want to cry, scream, protest that he’s wrong, that he’s the first person who treated you with kindness even when you were tied to the mast, that the crew loved and needed him, but the captain beats you to it.

“You are not failing, Seonghwa.” Hongjoong growls, pressing his forehead against the door, voice raw with emotion. “Every single person on this ship needs you, you hear me? That includes me. Who else is going to cook us food if you’re not there? The whole ship will starve to death.”

It seems like such a small, petty thing to talk about, but Seonghwa manages a small laugh at that. “San was always interested in cooking.”

“Hell no.” The captain wears a fond, sad smile on his face. “We should just leave him to healing. Honestly, I don’t know how we trust him with our injuries. We need you, Seonghwa.”

You nod in agreement although he can’t see and Hongjoong continues to speak. “We’re sailing for Nassau, and we’re going to find the man who got your family hanged. Will you… will you do this with us?”

Seonghwa is silent for a minute. Just when you start to wonder if Hongjoong had asked too much of him, he replies softly.

“You know I’d follow you anywhere… Captain.”

[blackstonesandtrapnest]

Helloaasaa, Aaaa request are open (excited dance) or please, our goddess, could you do? Yami's Fluff Alphabet (๑ ♡ ⌓ ♡ ๑)

Sure I can do that :) Sorry I took so long on this request! It took quite a while to make! I hope you enjoy this Sweet Anon!

Activities (What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?):

The sky's the limit with Atem and he'll do damn near anything with his S/O in his free time! But his favorite activity hands down with his S/O is dueling as one would expect. Nothing makes Atem happier than dueling with or beside his S/O!

Beauty (What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?):

Physically Atem's favorite feature about his S/O is their eyes. They never lie to him and he can see right down to his S/O's soul. Personality wise Atem loves his S/O's tenacity and toughness and admires it to the point of flat-out simping! He thinks it's gorgeous when his fabulous man or woman goes off on someone and doesn't take shit from anyone, not even him!

Comfort (How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?):

Atem's first extinct is to ask his S/O what's wrong but he's smart enough to know that it only makes things worse. Instead he'll immediately rush to his S/O's side and start holding them, not even speaking unless he deems it necessary. Actions speak louder than words after all. If Atem's S/O is having a panic attack, he immediately knows what to do since he has many friends who suffer from anxiety.

Dreams (How do they picture their future with their s/o?):

This is something that Atem won't think about unless you ask. He prefers to live in the present and is just trying to get through what's happening right at the moment. Not to say that Atem doesn't picture a future with you at all but he just doesn't see the utter importance of it.

Equal (Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?):

Atem likes to think that he's the dominant one in the relationship when in actuality, it's a pretty even split. But there are times when Atem will have to give or take more and vice versa which he has no issue with.

Fight (Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?):

Fights with Atem are definitely gonna happen whether you want them to or not. Atem has pride for days and he can be a total prick at times so he needs someone who doesn't hesitate to put him in his place. Atem's way of fighting is playing the long game. He will NOT back down and he WILL push your buttons to the max! Atem isn't as merciless as he once was so he is definitely willing to forgive his S/O unless the fight was about something severe. In that case, Atem is gonna need some time before he can even think about making up with his S/O.

Gratitude (How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?):

Atem may seem like a brat but he's eternally grateful for everything that his S/O does for him and is fully aware of said things. Atem hates being taken for granted and he wouldn't dare dream of doing the same to his S/O!

Honesty (Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?):

Atem is pretty reserved so yes he does have secrets. He especially has a lot of skeleton booty in the closet but that's probably the only thing that he'll share with his S/O.....if they ask. Atem's reserved nature comes with one that values privacy. He keeps his cards close to his chest and finds it quite fun to be mysterious and hard to figure out.

Inspiration (Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?):

Atem has definitely changed since getting with his S/O! One of the main ways is that he's learned to pick his battles and to sometimes accept the loss and move on. Atem's commitment and trust issues have also been overcome and he's become more grounded and less fickle as a result.

Jealousy (Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?):

As hypocritical as it may seem, yes Atem does get jealous and he can be childish when dealing with it. Being the former player that he was before getting with his S/O, he's no fool when it comes to how other people can be when it comes to relationships. Game recognize game! If you can't avoid the person that Atem is jealous of, then he'll make your relationship known using PDA that he normally wouldn't do. Under normal circumstances, Atem will make his jealousy known and if you call him out on his hypocrisy, prepare yourself for an argument! A jealous pharaoh is not a good pharaoh!

Kiss (Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?):

Of course Atem is a good kisser! He's had lots of practice over the past 5000+ years after all! His first kiss with his S/O was romantic and passionate and it happened in the rain which made for an excellent atmosphere!

Love Confession (How would they confess to their s/o?):

Atem would talk to you in private and he would just be honest and upfront about how he feels before asking you out on a date. Short, sweet, and to the point!

Marriage (Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?):

Atem acts like he doesn't wanna get married but he does. Deep down inside, he truly does. He just denies it because of past heartbreak. Once Atem knows for certain that he wants to marry you (which will definitely take a few years), he'll propose to you in front of thousands of people after he wins a big dueling tournament and of course the crowd (and the paparazzi) will go wild! Your marriage with Atem will be one hell of an adventure and it'll have many ups and downs but it'll all be worth it in the end because Atem will treat you like the King/Queen you are!

Nicknames (What do they call their s/o?):

Atem's most common nickname for his S/O is "My King/Queen". Atem will also shorten your name if he can to make things more personal between you two. Other nicknames Atem likes to use will be Honey, Darling, and Sweetheart.

On Cloud Nine (What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?):

Atem's behavior when he's in love starts to change pretty quickly so it's obvious to people who know him. He changes his phone and computer wallpaper to a picture of you, he has your number in his phone as " My King/Queen", and he's 100% loyal to you! No flirting with other people and he rejects any and all offers for dates/flings. Atem's love language is Acts Of Service so he expresses his feelings by doing things for his S/O and sacrificing his time to do said things. To him, actions speak louder than words and he wants to make his feelings for you as clear as possible.

PDA (Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?):

Atem is very upfront about the relationship but only in a subtle way. He doesn't like drawing unneccesary attention to himself and he doesn't wanna embarrass his S/O either. Atem will only share info about his S/O if they want him to. He prefers to be more verbal when it comes to PDA. His physical affection in public isn't much but it speaks volumes. The most he'll do is wrap his arms around you and give you lingering kisses on your cheek and neck. Hugs and kisses are only reserved for hellos and goodbyes.

Quirk (Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.):

Being 5,000+ years old gives Atem a lot of intelligence so if you wanna know things about various times in history, he's got your back! He also knows lots of random trivia and is very good at game shows like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Romance (How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?):

Atem is definitely a romantic guy and he'll pull out all the stops to make his S/O happy! He's pretty cliche when it comes to romance. Candlelit dinners, roses, walks on the beach, the works! Atem tries to be creative but in the end, the tried and true methods work for him much better!

Support (Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?):

Move over Tea! Atem's the #1 cheerleader in this bitch! Whatever your goals are, he'll support you and make sure you achieve them no matter how long it takes! He believes in you to the fullest and he wants you to be the best version of yourself!

Thrill (Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?):

Atem lives for the thrill! Without it, your relationship with him is doomed. Atem gets bored easily so he's always looking for ways to spice things up between you two and he would appreciate it if you do the same as well. Variety is the spice of life and Atem wants to live it to the fullest with his S/O!

Understanding (How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?):

Atem tries to know his partner the best he can but there are times when he'll fall short and misunderstandings will be had. This is where communication comes in. As long as you explain yourself to Atem, he'll be quite empathetic and understanding, especially if he's been through the same thing himself.

Value (How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?):

Atem's relationship with his S/O definitely means a lot to him but that doesn't mean he's willing to give up everything he's ever known to be with you. Yes Atem will give up his player days and be 100% faithful to you but that's the biggest change you'll get. Atem's not giving up anything else that makes him happy. Your relationship is worth a lot to him but he's not an idiot and tries to balance things as much as possible so his priorities are kept straight.

Wild Card (A random Fluff Headcanon.):

Atem likes it when he and his S/O wear similar or even matching clothing. Especially if it's spiky and/or leather-based! He wants his S/O to always look good!

XOXO (Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?):

Atem loves affection especially in private! You'll definitely be getting many kisses and cuddles from him! Atem prefers physical over verbal affection but he'll deliver the latter just as well. He knows how to lay on the charm and make his S/O feel like the most important person in the world with the sweet words flowing out of his mouth!

Yearning (How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?):

If Atem has to be away from you for a long period of time, he'll definitely miss you but he's not gonna die without you. He'll keep in steady contact with you but he won't smother you either. Atem respects his S/O's space and doesn't want them to feel that way.

Zeal (Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?):

It may not seem like it but Atem is a true ride or die kind of guy! He'll do anything for the sake of your relationship and for your sake in general! To give an example of what kind of lengths Atem would go to for you, if you're ever down on your luck in any kind of way, he'll literally give you his entire savings account if it would save you from financial ruin! That's just how loyal Atem is to you! Just don't take it for granted or you'll regret it!

[sepublic]

King and Lilith's Similarities

           Another thing I love about King is that, as a rather stark contrast to his cuddly appearance and demeanor… He’s arguably the member of the main trio who is the darkest, in terms of how far he’ll go to be selfish, to hold onto what he does have, or to get what he wants?

           I think the thing about King is that his issues of dependency are the worst, not just because he’s the most insecure of the main trio… But I also think he’s the only one of them to have been alone alone, in a sense? Back home, Luz at least had her mother Camila, who while not always the best, was clearly loving and contributed a lot towards Luz being such the kind and open-hearted person she is today! Eda had her sister Lilith as well as that one friend from the Bard Track… And while she WAS alone for a while, she at least had Owlbert and Hooty as companionship!

           But what did King have? We don’t know for sure what his life or backstory was like, but the implication seems to be that, at least for a while… He literally had nobody else prior to Eda! And it’d definitely tie into his issues of loneliness and attachment, and King’s concerns of being abandoned as seen in Really Small Problems… This would’ve likely contributed towards his Napoleon Complex and desire to be seen and heard, to make up for constantly being overlooked! And his desire to have control over others could be a means of keeping them close at all cost…

           Because King is the one who’s gone the farthest to get what he wants. There’s leaving Luz behind to be a famous author, and then that whole mess in Really Small Problems! He IS trying his best, but amidst his more experienced nature with Luz… He really does sometimes come across as, like, a KID who was forced to grow up very quickly? The thing about King is that he’s the most prone of the trio –if not the only one- to be prone towards jealousy! He doesn’t have Eda’s self-confidence or Luz’s unconditional kindness. He’s probably been lonelier than either of them, and unlike the other two, King doesn’t really feel like he has any other talent or power that could help him get through in life…

           …Which, as @fandomfan2000 brilliantly pointed out, is a LOT like Lilith! Both characters feel like they lack talent and skill to make up for their shortcomings. They’re both people who DO legitimately love and care for the people in their life… But they’ll sink to lower depths than anyone else to hold onto what they have, or even get a glimpse of that unattainable dream that they KNOW they’re not good enough to actually get on their own! Lilith and King are both people who will do terrible things, hesitantly or otherwise, under the impression that it won’t last as long, or everybody else has it so good, so why not let themselves have a turn at being happy and selfish for once?

           King takes advantage of Eda’s half-cursed state to take over the Slayground. Lilith curses Eda for what she thinks is only a day (and will merely weaken her magic) to get into the Emperor’s Coven. King accidentally causes Willow and Gus to shrink, after holding onto the potion without necessarily intending to use it, but not getting rid of it either, and decides to briefly benefit from the situation. Lilith did… well, EVERYTHING she did in Agony of a Witch, and then there’s also disregarding Amity’s autonomy and integrity to plant that Power Glyph onto her neck without permission!

          Both King and Lilith, if they feel their singular bond with another being threatened, if they think that other person is going off to leave them… They WILL react negatively to those other friends ‘stealing’ their companion of theirs! Hence Lilith’s dismissal of Luz and King, or King’s negativity towards Willow and Gus! They’ll do it to maintain their sole connection in life, because isn’t it already enough for that other person to be so confident and meaningful, to be able to make friends on their own? Aren’t THEY enough as a friend???

           It’s an almost willful ignorance, a hesitant dismissal of the ones they know and love, because… Look at them, they’re so much more confident than me! They’re always happier, they can make it on their own and recover, with or without me…! I can’t say the same for myself, it’s not really MY fault I was born without the skills or talent they have… Surely it’s not so terrible for me to be selfish just this once? I’m always being left behind and suffering, I have no other CHOICE…!

           …But in the end, King has to admit that he DID have another choice. That his own pain is not at all, even for the slightest bit, justification for prioritizing his own feelings over the others’ in such a blatantly-disregarding way. There’s prioritizing one’s happiness in life, and then there’s hurting the ones you love to get what you want! And while it takes a few decades, Lilith finally also turns around… Because by the end of the day, both characters are also marked by eventual regret that they try to hide, and/or don’t handle productively.

           Perhaps not just by circumstance and process of elimination, King was the one to vouch for Lilith! He was there when she recounted HER side of the story, and a jealousy of Eda’s strength that he feels guilty over is something he can relate to! Obviously there’s also the fact that Lilith hurt him the least of the main trio, not to mention the necessity of having her as an ally and all, but….

           …I think all of King’s prior moments of selfishness and arguable ‘backstabbing’ have led up to this moment. Led up to this moment where he understands Lilith, and thus KNOWS what she means, and can recognize that she’s genuine when she wants to make up for things… Because he’s been in the same place. Obviously he never went as far as Lilith ever did… But that’s also because he had such a loving and reliable support network of friends! Eda’s connection with the main cast is more of a support network than what she and Lilith had with one another as kids, admittedly.

           And I think it’s funny. King is –probably- younger than Lilith, or at least has a more childlike mindset… But he manages to come across as more mature and experienced than her when it comes to these sorts of things! King is a character defined by contrast; He’s cute and fluffy and adorable, but wants to take over the world and open revels in bloodshed and violence! He comes across as sweet and loving but he can also be dark and selfish! At times King is childlike, but there’s also a tragic experience and maturity to him from an implied loneliness in the past…!

           Like, I think I want to see King and Lilith get along more in Season 2, or at least… Sort of bond over the mutual feelings of inadequacy. Of justifying themselves of needing to do the ‘right thing’, but really it’s for their own sake? These two are selfish in a dark way, they’ll resort to terrible things and they have uncomfortable thoughts and feelings in their hearts that they don’t want to acknowledge, but aren’t predisposed towards handling either! I can really imagine King and Lilith seeing themselves in one another… Learning to be more mindful of their own actions after considering what the other does!

           Maybe the two will even learn to open up to one another about their more uncomfortable feelings and the thoughts they aren’t so proud of! But at the same time, these two will make sure to hold one another accountable… Tying back to this idea of contrast, Lilith and King know each other least out of the trio-plus-Lilith, and yet they have the most in common! And in the way of antics, I can imagine King affording himself some smugness over being the one to teach the former Head of the Emperor’s Coven, and Lilith having reservations over listening to this plush toy of a person… But ultimately, there’s a certain bond and kindred connection there that they don’t quite have with the others! Just as each relationship one has with another person is unique and meaningful in its own way, and one wouldn’t necessarily judge or compare the others as being ‘more’ or ‘less’!

           The thing about King and Lilith is… After doing a bad thing and hiding it, they’ll try to work to approach the issue in a way that absolves themselves of the blame without outright admitting to how they caused it; Again, see Really Small Problems, or Lilith cursing Eda! Both King and Lilith will let themselves feel smug and triumphant over what happened, even if they aren’t always proud of it… Because they see themselves as people who’ve had to work smarter than others to get where they were, and do the pragmatic, necessary thing because pride and integrity are a luxury of the powerful and talented! They see themselves as underdogs and define themselves the most by this ‘role’ in life…

          Fitting, given all of the comparisons of King to a dog in the past! Not to mention Lilith and King are both, well, DUMB, dumber than the others in the cast at least! And some of that ‘dumbness’ comes from willful ignorance no less…! And they’ve both had experience enjoying the role of being a teacher and possibly abusing that authority… In particular, I think Lilith and King are the ones most fascinated with the concept of having power over others and using that power a bit irresponsibly, or turning a blind eye to any issues that come with their support of a cruel system! It’s like Lilith is a dark reflection of King… Both are characters who will flex a perceived superiority over the rest and mean it, given the chance! Both view the role of teacher as that of an authority figure.

           They can also be, well, cowards- When King’s antics begin to backfire on him, he quickly runs back to his friends, and with Lilith… Well, there’s her using Luz as a Meat Shield, her relying on the curse and doing it against her vulnerable sister while she’s asleep… King and Lilith aren’t as confident as others and are more likely to buckle in to their own personal fear and anxiety, so it makes sense for them to buckle into fear in general; As seen with Lilith’s less-than-dignified scream when she’s suddenly ambushed by Eda in Sense and Insensitivity! And THAT was a King-centric episode, no less! It’s that common theme of King and Lilith seeing themselves as inherent screw-ups and doubting their own abilities as a result, which leads to them using the abilities of others, just as Lilith has to buy a curse made by someone else instead of casting her own!

           It’s such a fascinating parallel that I’d really never considered, and again, I feel somewhat personally-beholden to @fandomfan2000 for this BRILLIANT comparison! I know I’ve compared Eda to Lilith in the past, and Lilith to Luz… But I think in the end, she might actually have the most in common with King, the more I think of it? Maybe I’m just caught in the high of this revelation, but it really makes me think about how the parallels between Luz, Eda, and King, with Amity, Lilith, and Kikimora/Belos… It’s not just a one-way parallel, that these connections can also cross overas well! Eda and Amity are talented, Lilith and Luz are more like ‘underdogs’… Belos and Luz could have parallels amist the ones they already have, and King and Kiki are both tiny little gremlins!

           These parallels are arguably interchangeable, and it’s fascinating to me! These characters overlap in a lot of ways, it’s not that they’re connected to THIS one person… It really contributes to this idea of everyone being inter-connected, almost like a community or unusual family of sorts! And it makes room for a lot of fascinating, alternative pairings that one wouldn’t consider, as well as connections and possibly precedents in-universe to compare with others and speculate upon!

           And, it makes me wonder if we’ve gotten the parallels wrong all this time… If it’s actually Lilith-King, Luz-Belos… And if so, how do Eda, Amity, Kikimora, and Hooty factor into all of this? Or if it’s not REALLY that simple as one person is connected to another, in the end, because these characters don’t fit into neat little roles, they’re still their own people irrespective of that and allowed to form other bonds and connections as well! King can’t keep Luz to himself, he has to acknowledge that she has her own friendships…

          Just as Lilith must do the same with Eda! And by having these other relationships and shared connections with others instead of just THE one, it allows these characters to be truly fulfilled, because unless the one friend they have is a complete and total clone of them… There are others who will relate to them more on other facets of personality! And that ultimately ties back into the idea of people who are independent actually forming more meaningful bonds with others than those who are just dependent! That it allows people to form more of an identity, then just their single relationship with this particular individual!

[arlenianchronicles]

Hi!! :D I really liked the last post about Fëanorians because I had trouble imagining their personality and this helped a lot. ^^ I would love to see your Nolofinwëan headcanons ❤❤

Hello again! I’m so happy you liked my Fëanorian headcanon post and found it helpful! :D I understand it can be tough to imagine character personalities when there’s not much of them; I still have trouble imagining some of the Fëanorians haha ^^;;

I have a clearer image of the Nolofinwëans, so I’m excited to go into them XDD I’ll admit I did some projecting onto Fingon especially, but it’s mostly me projecting one of my OC’s personality/backstory onto him too. Tbh, this is more of a sketch of how I imagine Fingon’s childhood played out, so be warned that this post is a long one. I should also warn y’all that my headcanons for these guys aren’t very happy ^^;; I’ll put in a content warning for mentions of bullying and emotional abuse (mostly caused by the Fëanorians).

If you don’t like these headcanons and they don’t help, that’s totally okay! Lots of people have their own interpretations of these characters, so I’m sure there’s some that are much happier than mine ^^;; I’ll put everything under the “keep reading” tab so you don’t have to read mine if you change your mind. And I’ll also bold the main names like in my previous post; I hope it helps for search purposes, just in case.

Let’s start with Fingolfin. As a child in Finwë’s house, living with Fëanor and Findis, I imagine that Fëanor bullied him a lot. Why? Because Fëanor saw him as a threat, given that Fingolfin is the first-born son of Indis. I think that Findis, and later Írimë, wasn’t viewed with much suspicion by Fëanor because they’re girls (and I even headcanon that Fëanor might’ve had a soft spot for them). And once Finarfin comes along, Fëanor sees him as a wimp, someone who can’t do much to stop him. So Fingolfin is the main target.

Now, to be clear, I sympathize very much with child Fëanor when he’s just lost his mother and his father marries a stranger. This Fëanor is likely more grown-up, though I’m not sure how much; I feel deep down that his actions would be akin to emotional abuse, but that’s a heavy term and I’m not sure if this is a good point in the tale to use it ^^;; So for now, we’ll stick with bullying. Once Fëanor’s a full-fledged adult, then I think it’d classify as abuse. Please feel free to give me advice or clarity, if you want!

So back to Fingolfin. Because of all this happening, I imagine he grows up with self-esteem issues and stress, and some anxiety on the side. He'd believe Fëanor and think that he's not good enough to be Finwë's son, etc. Finwë thinks that Fëanor can't be wrong in anything, so Fëanor must be right about Fingolfin. At the same time, he still loves Fëanor as his brother and wishes for a return of that love. It might stem from a desire to please Finwë (y’know, showing that they can be a real family and that Fingolfin’s making an effort), but also, I imagine he admires Fëanor's confidence in public situations – and especially now that Fingolfin lacks confidence and trust in himself.

Also, if you’re wondering about Finwë, he only scolds Fëanor when he thinks his son is being a bit too harsh, but doesn't do anything for the root of the problem (nor does he know about what goes on away from his sight). Given that Fëanor is his favourite son, I doubt he’d really see his son’s actions, and if he does, he’d be in denial about them.

Despite all this, I've always imagined that Fingolfin grew up with a desire to help others. He's good at diplomatic talk and politics, but he's not good at defending himself from Fëanor, even after he becomes an adult. Fortunately, he moves out once he's older, and being away from Fëanor allows for improvement.

And then he meets Anairë. I envision her as very loving and kind, and nurturing. She supports Fingolfin as he gains more self-confidence. I also headcanon that she wears a gold circlet in her hair at times, while Fingolfin wears a gold crown, and these both inspire Fingon to wear gold in his hair.

On that note, let's talk about Fingon. Essentially, his childhood is somewhat similar to Fingolfin's. However, there's now the added stress of being caught between Fëanor and Fingolfin's houses. He wants to make his father proud and uphold their family name, but that’s a lot for his young shoulders to handle (nor did Fingolfin and Anairë ever pressure him). I also imagine that Fingon, when he was very young, witnessed how badly Fëanor treats Fingolfin – perhaps at a family gathering when the others have gone somewhere else, and Fingon's waiting for his father, hiding behind a pillar or wall etc. It'd be frightening for young Fingon to witness that, seeing someone whom he loves and upholds as a figure of strength be hurt so much, and it would increase his fear of Fëanor too.

But, lo and behold, he becomes friends with Maedros. I'm still not sure how they met, but in any case, Fingon is glad for Maedros' kindness and admires his ability to shoulder leadership responsibilities near easily, not to mention his ease in a public crowd. Fingon ends up visiting Maedros at Fëanor's house, where Fëanor and his other sons are. You can probably imagine how that'd turn out.

Fëanor sees Fingolfin as a threat, so Fingon is also a threat by extension. I don't think Fëanor would treat Fingon with quite the same intensity, but it'd still be some form of emotional abuse. Fingon would be deeply affected by it; his own confidence would go down, and he’d think that he’s not worthy to be Fingolfin’s son or a prince of the Noldor. And let’s not get started on Fëanor’s sons (but yes, let’s).

As I mentioned in my Fëanorian headcanons post, his sons bully Fingon both out of jealousy (because Fingon is Maedros’ favourite) and anger and to get Fëanor’s approval. I imagine mainly Celegorm, Curufin, and Caranthir doing this; Amrod and Amras might take part at times (following their father and brothers’ example), but are also uncertain of whether it’s a good idea or not. Maglor probably turns a blind eye since he’s too busy perfecting his music.

Maedros would, of course, scold them for being harsh, but that doesn't solve the root of the problem. Nor does he know of how far back the hurt goes. And I think Fingon would be afraid to tell him of what’s really going on because Maedros loves his family a lot. Fingon fears that, if he told him, Maedros would get upset and possibly resent Fingon, and he might not want to be friends anymore. And Fingon doesn't want that. All in all, it’s all very emotionally exhausting, and I think that Fingon would have some crying sessions to himself, since those can be quite cathartic.

Fingolfin doesn't know what’s going on at first either; I think he’d expect that Fingon would be safe with Maedros. But then he ends up recognizing Fingon’s behaviour and how similar it is to what he had, and he asks Fingon about it one day, and Fingon breaks down and tells him everything. Fingolfin comforts him, of course, and tells him not to listen to what the Fëanorians say, and even shares his own experiences so that Fingon knows he isn’t alone. And Fingon doesn't feel alone anymore. Fingolfin becomes his greatest supporter hereafter.

But boy oh boy, now Fingolfin is furious. This is when I imagine his ferocity comes up; he goes to Fëanor and confronts him about it, and Fëanor is startled by Fingolfin’s fierce side since he’s never seen it before. You can think of it as something similar to my painting of angry Fingon, if you like XDD And this is where Fingolfin shows that he is capable of defending others, if not himself. He is fully prepared to protect Fingon however he needs to. And after this, I think Maedros would have to come over to Fingolfin’s house, since Fingon isn’t about to go over to Fëanor’s house and be bullied more (nor would Fingolfin allow it).

(As a side note, Fingolfin showing his fierce side doesn't really help with regard to Fëanor’s suspicions. In fact, it may even increase them a bit, if not a lot.)

Like Fingolfin, I headcanon that Fingon grows up to be good at diplomacy and stuff, but he is also kind and compassionate, quiet and solemn. And also aroace, since I go with the version of canon where he doesn't marry and has no children. I’m sure he’d be a good partner, but all this in consideration, he’d worry about not being good enough as a father, and he wouldn’t want to put his child through the same pain that he and Fingolfin went through. His family’s well-being is his priority, and he loves them dearly. And on that note (if y’all are still reading this ^^;;), let’s bring in Turgon and Aredhel :D

So Fingon has some siblings now! He loves them so much he thinks his heart will burst. It’s only until there’s a family gathering, and Turgon encounters Fëanor’s sons, that Fingon realizes his duty to protect his little brother from suffering the same hurts as Fingon did. In fact, he gets angry when one of the Fëanorians – Celegorm still seems the likeliest one to me, or Curufin loll – insult Turgon, or something like that. And just like Fingolfin, one of Fingon’s strengths is to defend others (even if he’s still not confident enough to defend himself). Because of Fingon’s protection and the combined family nurturing, Turgon grows up stern and confident and with a firm dislike of the Fëanorians. As canon says, he becomes good friends with Finrod (gosh I haven’t even started thinking of headcanons for the Arafinweans aaahhh). I also think of him as a very good architect with excellent visualization. And, of course, he loves his elder brother like no other :’’’)

Aredhel, on the other hand, befriends Celegorm and Curufin (as said in the Silmarillion). How did that happen, you ask? I’m not so sure myself lmao The best idea I have so far is that the two brothers thought her fierceness and spunk impressive for a Nolofinwëan, and they found that she was more risk-taking and no-nonsense than they gave her credit for. As for her, she wants to explore and hunt and be a badass, and it seems that she can learn to do some, if not all, of those things by being with them. And yet I also headcanon that Aredhel adores Fingon as her older brother, so how does this dynamic play out?

An example I have is a little scenario that I thought up; in her youth, Aredhel overhears Celegorm talking crap about Fingon, and gets angry with him. She says she’ll never speak to him again unless he apologizes, but he’s not about to. So she goes to Fingon and tells him. Essentially, he says that he’ll be alright and she doesn't have to worry (he’s not brave enough to defend himself, but he’ll defend her if Celegorm spoke ill of her). Eventually, Celegorm does apologize to Aredhel about it, but it’s not genuine (something like those “I’m sorry I made you feel that way” apologies). She accepts the apology anyway, even though he technically didn’t do her any wrong. This is because she genuinely wants to be his friend, and if she did notice that it wasn’t genuine, she denies it because she wants to believe it was.

I think she becomes more aware of what’s going on between Fëanor and Fingolfin’s houses, but she still wants to keep the connection between Fëanor’s sons and herself. I haven’t really developed that far into her relation with them yet, just her and her family ^^;;

Finally we have Argon. He’s the youngest of the siblings, and at this point there’d be an age gap between him and Fingon. Since Fingon’s settling in his duty as a prince and doing princely things (alongside spending time with his friends and all), I’d imagine he’s not able to keep as good an eye on Argon as he did with Turgon and Aredhel. Nevertheless, he forms the closest bond with Argon due to the shared emotional exhaustion they experience; I headcanon that Argon is deeply affected by the tensions and stress between Fëanor and Fingolfin’s house, and it takes a toll on him as a young child. So he gets some social anxiety and is afraid of large crowds, but when big brother Fingon is with him, he feels a little braver.

And there we are! My headcanons for the Nolofinwëans, as requested :) I might’ve forgotten something, but for now, this is all I have. Thank you for reading this far, if you did!! It was super long, and I’m sorry to have bored anyone ^^;; I actually thought about writing a fic of Fingon’s childhood, but I doubt that’ll happen anytime soon hahaa Thanks again for messaging me anon, and I hope you have a good day/night! <333