#BUT NOW IM OLDER ITS SO DAMN COMPELLING

[askullinajar]

so i just woke up from a dream in which lucy somehow went back in time and met skully as he was when he was alive and now i need someone to write a time travel fic (or give me recs if some already exist) please and thank you

[borathae]

Chapter 16

OH MY GOD WE ARE NOT DEAD YAY HOBI

WHERES KOOK???? HIS BACK????

okay this was like the calmest reaction to me being a vampire I have ever seen. hobari, my love, tae already told her thats why she is chill

I once had a girl literally run away from me screeching prayers.” xd HAHA imagine someone pulling out the cross at him and saying THE POWER CHRIST COMPELS YOU and him just blinking

hobi baby, ik your are excited, but its quite the wrong time and person to test your new skills

“No, I’m not like Jungkook. I don’t go crazy at the smell or taste of blood. Especially not when yours tastes like literal ass right now, wow thanks ig

holy shit no baby kook, im gonna fucking cry DONT PUNISH YOURSELF YOU SAVED US BOTH FUCK IM ALL TEARY EYES

I’m just waiting for the day when vampire hunters break through the front door and shoot you guys.” im imagining them coming in fbi style FBI OPEN UP WE KNOW ITS SANGUIS hobi's cute dumbass - how did u know seokjin- you just proved it

this is why she isnt scared of you both 😭😭😭 reminds me of that tiktok asking whose house will you rob and everyone straight up said hobi in the comments 💀

imagine someone seeing their bodies in front of the house also was it tae or yoongi or someone else??

ok hobi was 26 in 1982, so born in 1956 and is 68 so its 2024 hmm SO KOOK IS 94 WTF they are not even dilf, they are gilf 😭😭😭 wait in that case whats tae 😭 hold on jimin mentioned yoongi being older, is that in older than 800 years or turned at an older age?

I was turned in 1875 by some random prostitute”, bitch pls 😭😭😭 he doesnt have a sob story nor a heroic one

wait something doesnt add up jin is 217, so if its 2024, he should be born in 1807, but he was 27 in 1875

“Good that you ask because listen this is such a story”, ..“Oh god here we go again stop being a jealous bean just cuz u got turned by a hoe 😭😭

“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. With that massive schlong that I carry around” you say sarcastically. you sure about that? was that foreshadow to the oneshot lol

“She bit my neck!” “And she bit my dick!” one got their throat ripped out and other ones dick. great just great. i just know, no vampire has a story like this, i mean sure neck being bitten but from a prostitute?? and dick being bitten hobi im sorry but thats a tragic comedy

A bang then a clash. bro this scared me so bad only to see its “Stupid raccoon don’t run away, come on let me spank your rubbish stealing buttocks!”

whats calling her?? where is she going?? who is down there calling? 2seokook wont have something suspicious down there right?

daisies and fresh sheets? is that jungkook? why is he down there? wtf HOW DID THE DARK CORRIDOR TURN BRIGHT???

damn how hard did he hurt himself this is so heartbreaking let me get my blanket 😭

As long as I’m paralysed I’m no danger to you NO STOP whos cutting onions

OMG SHE KISSED HIS CHEEK IM BLUSHING LIKE IM THE ONE WHO GOT KISSED AAAH

WHERES KOOK???? HIS BACK????

buckle in, that's where the angst begins 😭

okay this was like the calmest reaction to me being a vampire I have ever seen. hobari, my love, tae already told her thats why she is chill

Hobari gosh :( I miss them all together </3

I once had a girl literally run away from me screeching prayers.” xd HAHA imagine someone pulling out the cross at him and saying THE POWER CHRIST COMPELS YOU and him just blinking

JJADSFJ tbfh it's so valid though JFADJSJF

hobi baby, ik your are excited, but its quite the wrong time and person to test your new skills

FADSHJFJ HE IS SO CHAOTIC BAHAHHAH

“No, I’m not like Jungkook. I don’t go crazy at the smell or taste of blood. Especially not when yours tastes like literal ass right now, wow thanks ig

hhiihih he is so good in flirting hhiihih

holy shit no baby kook, im gonna fucking cry DONT PUNISH YOURSELF YOU SAVED US BOTH FUCK IM ALL TEARY EYES

I'M CRYING IN THE CLUB

imagine someone seeing their bodies in front of the house also was it tae or yoongi or someone else??

WHOOO KNOWWSSS not me (i know)

ok hobi was 26 in 1982, so born in 1956 and is 68 so its 2024 hmm SO KOOK IS 94 WTF they are not even dilf, they are gilf 😭😭😭 wait in that case whats tae 😭 hold on jimin mentioned yoongi being older, is that in older than 800 years or turned at an older age?

OKAY BEAR IN MIND!!!! I wrote this story in 2020 so it takes place in 2020. You have to subtract 4 years of their age during Sanguis Alpha. Also as far as your Yoongi question is concerned, we do not know yet what exactly he meant 👀

I was turned in 1875 by some random prostitute”, bitch pls 😭😭😭 he doesnt have a sob story nor a heroic one

fjajdfadjs he is so pathetic jfdajsf

wait something doesnt add up jin is 217, so if its 2024, he should be born in 1807, but he was 27 in 1875

Nooo it takes place in 2020 queen <3 no wait. WAIT my bisexual ass did the maths wrong HELP!!!! thanks for pointing it out I need to change the dates jfdjsjf

“Good that you ask because listen this is such a story”, ..“Oh god here we go again stop being a jealous bean just cuz u got turned by a hoe 😭😭

oh sweet summer child if only you knew jfdjsf

“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. With that massive schlong that I carry around” you say sarcastically. you sure about that? was that foreshadow to the oneshot lol

BESTIE THE DOTS ARE CONNECTING FJDSJF

“She bit my neck!” “And she bit my dick!” one got their throat ripped out and other ones dick. great just great. i just know, no vampire has a story like this, i mean sure neck being bitten but from a prostitute?? and dick being bitten hobi im sorry but thats a tragic comedy

aahhaha they're so chaotic I love them fjadjf

whats calling her?? where is she going?? who is down there calling? 2seokook wont have something suspicious down there right?

the suspicionn

daisies and fresh sheets? is that jungkook? why is he down there? wtf HOW DID THE DARK CORRIDOR TURN BRIGHT???

THE SUSPICION

damn how hard did he hurt himself this is so heartbreaking let me get my blanket 😭

i'm crying so hard 😭

As long as I’m paralysed I’m no danger to you NO STOP whos cutting onions

LIKE PLEASE 😭😭😭

OMG SHE KISSED HIS CHEEK IM BLUSHING LIKE IM THE ONE WHO GOT KISSED AAAH

THEY'RE SO CUTUUTUTEEEE

[katsucore]

(´-ㅅก`)

first post & its a diary entry. i think i might be breaking some internet safety rules here. sorry dad

i wanted to post somewhere where id see a timestamp bcs what do i have if not the need to document as it happens every thought. feeling. memory memory memory (& u kno the rare accompanying energy to actually... do that). of all the social media i have (& am barely on lol) tumblr seemed like a good idea for some reason. so here i am blessing(?) the new main blog with ye olde thoughts!!

its almost the middle of the year like damn alr a week into may but still i felt compelled to write a lil thing even if i (...again) failed to keep up with daily diary entries after january. weirdly enough the reason was that i had a rly nice midnight shower. warm. gentle. unhurried. the likes of lizzy mcalpine, searows, niki, & phoebe bridgers as bgm

ig i dont get to sit in my pleasant feelings much. & i just want to rmbr a time when i did :)

today's fav things:

☆ still deciding what song to sing for my bday cover :o i was originally planning to do my all time fav song (which will be my lil secret first heh) but,,, idk if its the mercury retrograde effect lol but i thought i wanted to do smth more raw this time? unpolished. heartfelt. not too high effort & processed. ig i want it to be a reflection of one of my wishes for myself as i turn another year older: that i allow myself to do more things even without thinking abt them too much that i get paralyzed

☆ SPEAK NOW TV ON JULY 7TH HELLO????? im so excited for every track even the ones from the vault goddddd but probably long live especially 🥺

☆ ate my fav famous bowl fully loaded meal & turon !!!!!

☆ found & saved a bunch of new songs from clara benins small town song radio. fav from those is nikis backburner <3 maybe im just not better than this, i havent tried. maybe lifes less romantic when i dont wanna die

i have to be somewhere in 6 hours. i slep

[roughentumble]

If you want to suffer because of timelines, try to figure out when the Black Sun happened in the games/books timeline :D i have a post dedicated to raging about this but Im on mobile so I cant aend it to you to check it out. But I do want to know yoir thoughts on it! The central characters are Syanna (and Anarietta by proxy), pf course Renfri and Deidre. I loom forward to your theories and screaming about the ages

(ALSO! Radovid V is younger than Ciri (i think) and Morvran Voorhis is around 18 in TW3 ("a child accoridng to Imperial Law in 1268", which doesnt specify the age but he seems younger than ciri or her age at the very least; dunno where I heard 18, but eh, close enough). Look at their game designs. Look at them and tell me they look their age)

jaw on the floor. jesus holy hell. i never even noticed that but now i'll never UNnotice it

when the fuck did the black sun happen???

now ok, the thing with deidre is, i never really understood treating her as canon, because there's another fanmade adventure included in the enhanced edition's base game, in which geralt helps santa save christmas and is then raped by an old man in an infirmary. so like, i dont really consider that to be canon to the series. so deidre to me exists in the exact same sort of liminality.

and also like, she just Says Word For Word stuff that renfri said. so she's pretty obviously a renfri clone. it makes for an interesting fan game, and it was definitely well done and compelling! but she's. She Is Renfri, basically. and if they'd had syanna also say things renfri said word for word, they could play it off as intentional, these are things all girls born under the black sun say, this is some aspect of their weird metaphysical powers linking them all. but they DIDNT do that(i dont remember syanna saying anything renfri did), so you cant say that, so it's just renfri's dialogue lifted.

so already i never tried to mentally fit deidre into a timeline that worked, because in my head she never really Worked at all, she was an interesting thought experiment. you would have to fudge the numbers to fit her into canon, is my perspective. (though what if everything with her went down, in the SAME YEAR geralt ended up in blaviken with renfri. spooky. "two drops of water," indeed.)

but even graciously allowing "deidre didnt happen, or if it did it wasnt wholly accurate to the timeline", what the hell is going on with syanna!!!! she and anarietta would have to be like.... in their 60s or something!!! i see a wiki page(though its a fandom.wiki which means its entirely unsourced and basically worthless ugh 🙄) where the curse of the black sun is just being born under AN eclipse, not a SPECIFIC eclipse, but that really feels like cheating.

i could maybe accept an in-universe sorcerer fudging the numbers like that on purpose to get syanna out of the way, if she wasnt favored by him for some reason, but that just straight up isnt what happened in the game. and i refuse to believe that "AN eclipse" is the proper reading OR how cdpr understood the prophecy. its just too much of a stretch

i mean, props to them that they twisted the timeline that severely and i never noticed, quite the narrative slight of hand, but STILL. that is EGREGIOUS. it doesnt make any sense!!! is syanna drinking potions of immortality. how good is annarietta's moisturizing routine, damn. do the people not notice theyre being ruled over by a bratty immortal

also:

MORVRAN IS NOT 18 OH MY GOD I THOUGHT HE WAS LIKE. I DUNNO. 40. MAYBE OLDER. 18 is killing me. like, i had heard that radovid was still a teenager, and while i dont See it and that character design does NOT communicate that... i thought it made some amount of sense for the character to be young, how he acts and how the world treats him. a young despot. i get it.

but MORVRAN he looks so old he acts so old he is OLD in my heart he will always be an annoying old guy 😭 he is middle aged he cares about horse races and has a weird thing going on with that lady he's always hanging out with. that is an Adult Man

[pizzaboat]

I kinda wrote a mom eda fic, cause I wanted to try writing. This is like the first fic I've ever writen so keep in mind it's not gonna be perfect.. but I'm happy how it turned out.. so here!

Some honesty before breakfast

To say Eda had noticed something off with her apprentice, would be an understatement. 

Luz's cheery attitude had all but disappeared for the past two days, and instead had been replaced with a quite sadness that followed the girl wherever she went in the house. Her smiles seemed forced, never quite reaching her eye's, lacking the warmth and joy they usually had.

Eda knew she should have seen this coming, the slow change in luz's demeanour. The portal had been destroyed a month ago, but she'd been too caught up in mourning the loss of her magic, processing the cluster fuck that had been the last few months and adjusting to her older sister taking up residency in her shed, she hadn't noticed.

She should have acted sooner.

Because Eda now watched Luz half heartedly engage in her and King's infamous and dreaded "comedy hour" with all the enthusiasm of Lilith on hooty's cleaning day. 

"Luz, you're not paying attention!" King whined, "my food puns are genius, and not even a smirk!

"Come on, this is some of my best material!" The tiny demon added, dropping what was left of his toast onto his plate.

"Sorry king, I was paying attention" Luz assured pushing her untouched breakfast away "I was just thinking as well, that's all.."

"Sounds like not paying attention to me" He grumbled.

Sounds like a terrible cover up.

Eda finished the last of her Appleblood, pushed away from the counter she was leaning on and picked King up earning a "nyee" from him as she placed him on the floor.

"why don't you go play with your army of dolls or something?" Eda told him.

"They're my army of darkness!" He corrected "and its not playing, it's scheming. machinating if you will"

"Whatever, go do that. I need to talk to Luz" She sighed.

Luz shifted in her seat, and went to leave.

"Actually,  I have a ton of homework so-"

"Nope" Eda cut the girl off "you stay, king go" she ordered 

King muttered something about world domination as he scurried off, and Luz and Eda were left alone of the kitchen.

"So.. is this about potions delivery's?" Luz asked "because I know I haven't been doing the deliveries alot lately and-"

"Kid, what?-no, that isn't what this is about"

Luz fidgeted with the string of her hoody "then, what is this about?" 

"You tell me, you've been acting weird lately- well weirder than usual" Eda said, taking Kings seat at the table and pushing his leftovers aside.

"Its not that big a deal, really" Luz said, but the waver in her voice betrayed her.

Titan help her.

Eda sighed and rubbed her eyes "Look, I'm not an idiot kid, I know somethings up, and I know the past month has been rough. For everyone"

And here comes the emotional mush..

"I know it can't be easy" Eda continued, trying to choose her next words carefully.

"Living under the same roof as Lilith after what's happened, or adjusting to all this crap,  the portal door being destroyed.."

Titan she had no clue what she was doing. How do you comfort people?

"But I want you to know that whatever the problem is, I'm here to help. it matters if it upsets you" Eda told her "and I'll be hexed if I'll let my kid suffer in silence"

"So what's bothering you?"

They sat there for a moment. Eda wasn't sure if her lackluster attempt at reassurance had helped the girl, she searched Luz's face for any signs of what she might be thinking.

Finally, Luz let out in a shakey breath "I miss my mom"

Ah, shit. Of course, the poor kid missed her mother. She really should have guessed that.

"I destroyed the door, to stop belos and- and to save you" Luz's voice cracked " but I miss her.. y'know? .. when things would go wrong back home, she was always there, she knew what to do..." Tears started well in her eyes and spill out onto her cheeks.

Luz sucked in a breath of air " I don't know what to do..the doors gone, and it's my fault and she's probably really worried about me, and its MY fault.

"Im scared I'll never see her again. Eda, I miss my home. I miss my mom"

Of course. None of this was Luz's fault though. Not really. It was Eda's. She was the adult and should have sent her home that first day. But she was selfish and now Luz was paying the price.

"I don't regret saving you though" She continued,  and Eda blinked in surprise.

"Leaving you guys behind was never an option. being here with you and King.. its kinda like home here too" Another shakey breath.

"I know I shouldn't complain 'cause I did this to my self but-" Luz's voice cut off and gave way to sobbing.

Eda didn't know how it happened but she found herself at the other side of the table, wrapping Luz up in one of those "parallel arm" things.

She scooped the girl up easily and sat her on her lap, holding her close as Luz continued to cry. This poor kid, who'd brought so much light into Eda's life, Changed it for the better, magic be damned, was suffering and there was no way in hell Eda was going to stand back and watch her blame herself.

Luz had given up everything. 

In one of the few times where Eda felt compeled to do the right thing, Eda vowed to herself she'd make this right.

"Luz" The witch said with a softness that surprised herself "None of this is your fault, it's OK to be upset"

"it's my fault not yours, I want- no. need you to know that. I'm gonna fix this. I'll find a way to get you back home, and you'll be able to see your mom again" she said, stroking her hair.

"I promise"

Luz looked up from where she had her head buried in Eda's sweater, her eyes were red rimmed and puffey. Luz rubbed at her eyes, and sniffed.

"You promise?" Luz asked, voice horse.

Eda nodded, brushing some of luz's hair back, fixing it.

"I promise, and that's a promise from the most powerful witch on the boiling Isles, kiddo. it's a big deal, infact you should feel kinda honoured"

Luz laughed. And there it was. That smile that had been missing for so long. Eda wasn't going to let anything happen to it again.

"I kind of ruined your sweater" Luz said apologetically as she pulled away.

Eda looked down at her sweater. yep. Human snot. Gross as all hell.

"Don't worry about it, I didn't like the sweater anyway"

Yes she did.

Luz jumped off of Eda's lap "how do you feel now?" Eda asked

"better" Luz smiled, rubbing her eyes still.

"Good, I can't have my apprentice's in emotional distress" eda smirked "it'd be bad for business"

"I'm your only apprentice" Luz shot back grinning.

"details" Eda waved her hand dismissively.

Eda looked at her now. She wasn't crying anymore, which was good. Eda could still see residual tears, but Luz was smiling, no matter how small it was, she was actually smiling again, and that was what mattered.

A loud definitive gurgle sounded through out the room.

"I never ate breakfast" Luz whispered sheepishly.

Luz turned back to her breakfast cereal to see it had long since turned to disgusting mush in the bowl.

"i'll eat something else.." She decided heading towards the cupboards.

Eda had an idea.

"We could make something"

Luz perked up.

"Really?!" 

"I mean, yeah why not?" Eda shrugged " I haven't eaten yet and-"

"Can we make pancakes?!" The girl asked with barely contained excitement "I can dress King up in a little chefs outfit, and we could have pancakes!"

"Um.."

"I have so much prep work to do!" Luz exclaimed as she dashed out the door.

"Kid!" Eda called

"Yeah?" Luz popped her head back in the door.

"Don't forget that if your ever worried about anything at all, you can talk to me. I meant what I said, I'm here to help"

"I know, thanks Eda. I love you" and she was gone.

Eda blinked.

"I love you too, Luz"

[utterlyhopeful-fics]

Desire

A/N: SMUT ON THE BRAIN, I REPEAT SMUT ON THE BRAIN. 

Angel Reyes x Reader

MASTERLIST

Word Count: 1705k

Language: Smut, mention of blow-job, language, SMUT

*****************************************************************

Y/N leaned dangerously lower finding herself eye level with none other than Angel and the guys. She smirked; “You have five minutes to meet me in the storage closet Angel Reyes or I’m starting without you.” Y/N whispered licking the shell of his ear seductively. “And I don’t like waiting…” 

Her converse shoes squeaked ever so slightly against the wood floors beneath them as he ogled her ass swaying farther from his reach. Her form fitting shirt was leaving little to his active imagination. Her denim cutoffs taunted him with the simple sway of her luscious hips. She was a fucking deity and Y/N knew he was eating out of the palm of her enticing hand.

Under his breath, Angel finally exhaled the compressed air lodged in his chest; “Fuck.” Popping the ‘k’ overtly. It wasn’t until Coco coughed attempting to clear away any residual sexual tension that Angel peeled his stare from Y/N looking around the table innocently.

“Yo, I say this with mad love but if you don’t leave this table to fuck her, I will homie.” Gilly and Riz laughed wholeheartedly alongside Coco. The fire in Angel’s orbs blared to life, anger gripping ahold of him. His fist clenched ripping one of his cards clean down the middle trying to refocus his pent-up frustration.

“I’d watch that mouth of yours, man. Anyone who dares to touch Y/N nonetheless solicit my girl will definitely be meeting me in the fucking ring. Got it, hermano?”

Coco cheeks blushingly glowed chuckling at his best friend. They were in the middle of a poker game and Y/N knew to not bother him during these times. But, looks like Y/N didn’t want to play fair tonight and he’d have to remind of the rules. Angel licked his wet lips as saliva pooled within him.  

“I only do it because you’re so easy to get a reaction out of…probably why Y/N loves seeing that pissed look on your face. Bitch knows how to play the damn game; I’ll give her that.”

He threw his cards down to the table signaling his defeat; “Boys, I gotta girl that needs tendin to. Don’t come searching for us.” Angel raised his left eyebrow wiggling it to the best of his ability. His boots scuttled as the chair legs screeched backwards. Angel leisurely rose from his seat chugging the rest of his whiskey. The liquor was bitter, malty, and burned in all the right places. With his nerves afire and his belly ablaze, Angel sought out the one thing that could calm and simultaneously bait him.

The rumblings of his brothers didn’t jog past him as he walked towards the empty storage room. The soft voice of Gilly made its way to him; “Fucking Reyes and Y/N. How the hell did he score her again?” Coco chimed in; “Cabrón con suerte.”

Ez watched from the bar top inspecting his brother’s hungry glare scouring the room for Y/N. To say he was jealous wouldn’t be his choice of words but there was something about his best friend and brother boning that provided a weird energy of comfort.  

“Avert your gaze, Prospect. That’s an order.” Angel raised his hand saluting him breaking into a fit of laughter. Ez merely nodded focusing his attention back to demeaning cleaning chores and collecting miscellaneous bottles. The older Reyes walked through the door in search of the hidden room approaching on his left. He so enjoyed these games especially when it included Y/N.

“Oh sweetheart, where ya hiding? Papi is getting impatient.” His questioning tone vibrated off the bare walls as Angel observed the nooks and crannies surrounding him.

“Querida, you’re being a damn tease…”

Out of the blue, Angel heard the teasing tone of his girlfriend; “Marco….”

“So, you want to play games, Y/N? Bring it on darling. Polo.”

His ears perked up as his arm hairs stood straight looking for identifiable clues. Angel whipped around hearing a broom clash against the cold concrete. Y/N shuffled covering her mouth in hopes of keeping her laughs muffled. Her heart was practically beating outside of her rib cage as his signature cologne invaded her nostrils. Ever so quietly, Angel instinctively sauntered obscenely silent towards a corner of the abandoned room.

Angel was swift on his feet jumping around the corner scaring the living shit out of Y/N; “Gotcha!”

Y/N jumped as Angel watched her eyes bulge in momentary fear; “Shit, Angel! Well, looks like you found me. Now time to claim your prize?”

“Don’t have to tell me twice, baby.” Angel’s grip on her smooth hips tightened gluing her between the wall and his frame. Y/N huffed pressing her breasts firmly against him in retaliation.

“Well now that I’ve got you exactly where I want you…what are you gonna do with me?” Angel nipped at her exposed cleavage moaning loudly.

“Jesus Angel. You’re driving me crazy.” With little vigor, Y/N’s hands shoved him giving her a sliver of distance. Grabbing by the collar of his pristine shirt, she pressed him into her former place. Immediately, Y/N reached for the bulky belt buckle currently blockading her path, pulling hard admiring it slipped through the loops. She kept one hand securely on his chest as the other dropped the offensive item to the ground.

“You’ve been very naughty Angel. I’m here to deliver your penance.” Her flirtatious manner was beginning to get the best of her, her patience was truly being tested. She sunk down to her knees staring up at his bashful brown eyes and quivering Adam’s apple. Contemplating every sinful thought riddling his thoughts Angel tried to find the words garbled in his throat. 

Her hands moved faster than his brain undoing the button of his jeans before Angel was graced with the delicious sound of a zipper lowering. A minor tug of his pants revealed his striped boxers as Y/N slipped beneath the pesky layer. Her doe eyes gawked towards him in a demanding yet submissive approach.

“Looks like you’re in for a treat, Reyes…Of course if you’re not interested, I bet I could find---”

“No more fucking around baby.” Y/N bobbed in innocent agreement; “As you wish.”

She enveloped his hard cock stroking him the entire length, squeezing just enough at the tip as a groan slipped from him. “I can’t wait to taste you. I’ve missed you.”

Y/N continued her perfected movements fondling his dick faster causing his breath to hitch.

“Damnit, baby! What’re you doin—?”

Before he could finish his sentence, Angel was engulfed in her heat, the warmth of her flawless mouth. Y/N sucked harder compelling Angel’s head knocking the white wall holding him.

“You are too good at that. Too fucking good.”

Drool oozed from the corner of her salacious mouth as Y/N hummed forcing the vibrations to take Angel to the next level of pleasure. She sucked him off like her life depended on it. He was a half second away from losing it when she deep throated him to her limit. The suction noise was enough to turn him on enormously, but watching his girl go full force was about to make him lose his load. Pre-cum leaked down her chin before Y/N made quick work of licking it away, tidying up her mess.

She proceeded to remove herself, popping her lips loudly in effect; “Mm hmm, two minutes and you’re a goner.”

Angel was stunned into submission at the attractive girl on her knees and it turned him on to no surmountable end. He guided her back to where he craved her most cleverly placing his hand on the back of her head. He hated controlling her mannerisms but strictly stayed in place for future guidance. Angel added the smallest of pressure as more of his length guided down her throat. So warm and welcoming, Angel had to think of literally anything else to stop himself from cumming. The lustful look, her hands locked behind his buttocks, it was all too much for a simple Mayan to take in.

“Ahh, ahh shit. If you get doin that, I’m gonna explode.”

So, Y/N kicked into overdrive taking him as deep as her body would allow. She loved watching his eyes roll into the back of his head and the part of his lips waiting to cry out. So close, Y/N knew he was teetering on the edge of a mind-blowing orgasm so she initiated into full force.

The squelching noises coming from Y/N sent Angel overboard. Y/N sloppily slurped vying with every energetic thrust. The ache within him involuntarily released driving Angel to cum ferociously into Y/N’s sweet, hot mouth. Ribbons of cum filtrated the back of her throat welcomingly.

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck’ was the only explicit word in Angel’s mind as lustful chaos stormed throughout his body. Hot cum simmered down her throat as she so freely swallowed every gulp with dignified pleasure. She moaned around his length allowing his orgasm to linger. Angel lovingly held her in place as she sucked every last drop from the tip of his cock.

“God damn. God damn woman.”

Y/N’s fingers edged along the corners making sure to clean up any remnants remaining surveying Angel candidly. Y/N removed herself from the floor tucking him gently back into the folds of his boxers as his body turned to gelatin.

“You taste sweet. A hint of strawberry and pineapple?” Her devious tone enticed him wanting to bend her over and make her scream. But they’d been preoccupied for longer than anticipated. Angel knew he couldn’t fuck her quite yet but the night was young and the devilish grin on Y/N’s face told him he was in for a night of fucking and love making.

“Babe, that was fucking mind-blowing.” Angel cupped her cheeks kissing her excitedly. His cock twitched wishing to be buried inside Y/N but he knew better.

“Damnit, one hour and we’re out of here. Got it?”

“You don’t have to tell me twice, Reyes. I’m in dire need of an orgasm or two especially with my sexy as fuck Mayan to ride reverse cowgirl.”

“You have to idea what you’re askin for….”

Winking in Angel’s direction, Y/N knew precisely what she desired; “One hour or I’m starting without you.”

~~~~~~

Tags: @twistnet​ @ifoundmyhappythought @angelreyesgirl89 @carlaangel86 @imagineredwood @gemini0410 @mayans-mc @reaperwalking @prospectfandom @emmaveale123 @peaky-marvel @kind-wolf @scorpio4dayzzz @starrynite7114 @penny4yourthot @breanime @whyisgmora @thegirlwhowritesfics @star017 @threeminutesoflife @woahitslucyylu @briannab1234 @summertimesadnesswithadashofsass @blessedboo @lady-pswrld

[luvrpop]

the end

source: the devil all the time part: one/? pairing: arvin russell/reader requested: no tws: n/a (canon typical in later parts but this ones safe) word count: 1652 synopsis: you make some bread, and contemplate finality. extra: i wanted to challenge myself to write a reader insert without using y/n et cetera!! im so excited for this, and very proud :) Someone once told you that there is nothing in life that isn’t a beginning or an end. You’re not quite sure what you think about that, but you figure there must be some sense of truth to it. Hell, you reckon that if those words are true every damn thing you do is the beginning of the rest of your life. This train of thought will come back to you later.

For now, you wake up in the morning to begin your day, and eventually you’ll sleep at night to end it. 

You open your dresser to begin looking for your outfit, and close the dresser to end that search. Naturally, you’ll put on your clothes to begin wearing them, and take them off at some point to end that.

You open the window in your kitchen to begin a steady flow of fresh air, but you won’t get a chance to close, and thus end, it.

Later, all the beginnings you started and endings you caused in the coming few days will become viscerally apparent to you. You’ll wonder which one is more important; those beginnings or endings? You’ll wonder if that matters at all. It probably doesn’t.

Currently, you are kneading the dough that you began only 15 minutes ago for a loaf of bread that you’ll never get to eat. Your radio plays quietly in the corner of the kitchen and you sing along, finding a rhythm in your movement. You feel as though you could live in this moment for the rest of your life and stay happy the whole time. But of course, the song ends so another can begin and your timer goes off to tell you’ve kneaded enough, and the tranquility of the moment slowly dissipates. You wet a towel and delicately place it on top of the lump of dough, and set it into a bowl and aside to begin it’s second hour of rising. That means that you have an hour to yourself, and you resign yourself to laundry. It gets boring pretty quickly, however, so you resolve to finish this load and continue a book you started reading last week. 

You’re only a few chapters from the end. You like it well enough- the characters are charming and the plot is compelling- but the pacing of it all is what’s really losing you. It started as a decent slow burn character study into the mind of a troubled woman that tragedy followed like a shy dog, which you find interesting. However, at some point it seemed like the author was as swept up in the world as you were and was caught off guard by the need for an ending. The past few chapters have been a rushed attempt at a satisfying conclusion, and the original message of the story has been lost. The woman started out as thoughtful and resilient, despite the shit life kept throwing at her. You like her a lot. At this point in the book, though, things should be calming down. They aren’t. 

You pick up the book where you left off, and immediately it seems to be trending in an unnecessarily painful direction. You wouldn’t dare tell anyone, but you definitely prefer a happy ending. The appeal in watching decent people suffer for nothing is lost on you. It makes it difficult to ignore the more uncomfortable truths of the town you live in. 

By the time you’ve gotten to the last chapter, your timer is going off again, letting you know that it’s time to move your dough from under the towel and in the bowl to the oven. You leave the book open on the counter (it stays, because you accidentally broke the spine when you first bought the book. Your best friend chided you for getting as upset as you did. “There are bigger things in life to worry about than a 50¢ paperback novel, darlin’.” He had said.) and stand to wash your hands. The front door opens and closes as you turn on the water, and you call out a greeting to your father. There is no reply while you move the dough to a pan, and you wait a moment before calling out again. This time you get an answer,  though the voice that responds is not your father. A smile creeps its way onto your face as you slide the pan into the oven and close the door. 

Something you’ve noticed about Arvin Russel is the way he refers to the people. It’s never “good afternoon,” or “thank you,” or “how are ya?”; it’s always a “good afternoon miss,” or “thank you ma’am,” or “how are ya, sir”. He calls his sister Lenora little lady or hun; his grandmother is grandma or ma’am; his grandfather is grandpa or sir. Friends are bud and fella, and enemies are any number of vile swears and adjectives. You’re doll or darlin’, and you have been since you found him hiding behind the school back on the first day of sixth grade. It’s common down here in the south to call people anything but their name whether it be from respect or the opposite, but even as a child Arvin seemed to actively avoid using someone’s name unless he was saying something that he needed you to know he meant. Most people figured he was just some overly respectful kid, but you’ve always suspected that he just understands the power of his words. As you got older, you got the sense to wonder why a kid so young seemed to know so much about power and violence, both mental and physical. You’ve heard the rumors about why he moved to Coal Creek in the first place, but it never came to you to just ask if they were true and what living in Knockemstiff was like. You never considered it your business. 

That’s all to say that when Arvin Russel greets you by name in your kitchen at 3:30 PM on a Saturday in the fine year of 1965, your hand stops on its way to the kitchen timer. A quick glance at the clock confirms that Arvin has work in 10 minutes, and you know that you live a solid 15 away from where he needs to be. You turn to face him, apprehensively studying the way he sits on a stool on the opposite side of the island that divides the room. He sits with a slump that shows an extent of exhaustion that seems deeper than the physical body. You wonder if someone’s soul could yawn. He seems like he hasn’t been able to relax all day, and even now there’s tension in his shoulders. Not to mention that his breathing’s uneven and he’s sweating like a sinner in church, so you decide to dampen a washcloth before asking any questions. He looks at you in such a way while you dab at his damp brow that chips away at your heart. He’s looked haunted since you met him, like Satan himself is dancing in his peripheral, always 3 steps away from finally claiming his soul, and you wonder for a moment if he’s always fought the devil all the time.

“Christ almighty Arvin, what happened t’you?” You ask, blotting away at his forehead.

His eyes snap into focus at that, like he’s remembering something, and he pushes out of his seat, snatching the cloth from your hand. “We gotta leave, doll,”

You look at him incredulously. “What in the world? You sit yourself back down and tell me what is goin-”

Arvin interrupts you by saying your name again. “I mean it,” he says, and you believe him. “You got- you got to get on packin’ and we gotta leave.”

“I’m not packin’ anything until you tell me what the hell is goin’ on, Arvin Russel. I mean it.” You say, and he believes you.

Unfortunately, you’ll come to understand that he doesn’t have the time to explain. 

The two of you have fantasized about skipping town more times than you could count. A couple of times, you even packed your bags into the back of Arvin’s jalopy before school, planning on picking up Lenora and never looking back at this shithole. You were serious about it too, your father and whatever spends its time haunting Arvin giving you more than enough motivation. Still, you stayed. Arvin would say he’d miss his grandmother, which was true, but you both knew it wasn't what Lenora would want. After she died, Arvin swore he should have said damn it all and left anyway.

When he makes eye contact with you again, you know whatever is happening now is different than your idealized life on the run. Every time you planned this, you both swore you’d do it all together, and that included choosing the right time. Arvin was so particular about choosing the right time. Now, it seems that whatever he did that you two are running from didn’t have a right time. It just had to happen, and he was tired of waiting. A sense of dread nags at you perversely, and you know suddenly and without a doubt that if you don’t go with him now, you’ll never see him again.

He drops the rag then and leaves the kitchen with a sense of urgency you’ve never seen, and you tear after him. You meet him in your room and you both throw together two bags of your bare essentials. You’re out the door and shoving the bags into his trunk before you even get a chance to turn off the oven.

It won’t be until you’re leaning your head on the passenger window of Arvin’s automobile, speeding past the sign that cheerily reads You are now leaving Coal Creek! We hope to see you again soon!, that you will realize that you forgot your book at home. 

[that-mom-friend-talks]

Everyone's been talking, and I'm gonna add to the din!! A list of things, in no particular order, that I noticed/loved in the latest vid

ALL THE GODDAMN ANGST everyone was bitter and selfdepricating and shit was/is a mess. Kudos to the creators bc it portrays how bad Thomas's mental state has gotten and I'm living for it

No Virgil!! Baby boi was probably having a panic attack off screen, the type where our don't feel sad or anxious but just straight up empty. He was just void this vid, and personally I think Logan didn't show up bc he was staying with him for comfort, bc we know how logic soothes anxiety

FUCKIN JANUS!!! THIS BITCH!! He's everything i thought he would be and more. He's the wine aunt and the cat mom all in one, and I stan this judgemental sophisticated gay. His mannerisms!! We're so subtle but distinguished!! Shoulder shimmies, moving his body with his head first, the hand gestures, the fUCKING GLOVE THING!!! Bitch has gloves on so he isn't compelled to tell only the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth the fuckin GENIUS OF THOMAS AND JOAN AND CO.

Speaking of, character Thomas!! He reached his point!! Boi is fed up with his mind's bullshit and wants some goddamn answers. Most aren't what he wants to hear, and that has an impact on him!!! Which is so beautiful!!

I'm just living for the design of this bc they must've had this planned for so goddamn long to bring all the little things out into this big climax and breakdown and bitch we ain't even dealt with the why's yet!!!

Speaking of, let's get specific in this angst bc boi is there a LOT to unpack!!!

First and foremost, Patton!! Focus of the vid and progressively breaking down throughout but desperate to hide it. Morality is supposed to have answers, but as I touched on earlier, they aren't always the ones we want or like to hear, and none of them are simple when you get older. He was stressed bc he didn't know and he wasn't allowed to not know (and I thought that brand of angst was reserved for Logan but I'm wrong and I'm happy I am). He freaked out and said the truth, in all of its painful repressed liberating glory!!! I noticed his major deflecting throughout the vid and called him out on it so much my bro wanted to know who I was talking to.

Roman!!! Not my fav of the sides but still deserving of the love he gets!! Boi had a breakdown bc he was stuck in dichotomy, black and white, good and evil, and when that shit (Janus) proved to be a grey area he couldn't deal. Gets called evil by Janus and closes in on himself so damn fast I was worried he'd catch his fingers in the door. Self worth is shit, but boi is trying to stick to his brand so hard he breaks. I was gonna say snap but it was much more self-directed then Patton's breakdown (the fucking DETAIL IN THIS PRODUCTION IM-) He is really angry at himself and deflects real well with that sword of his. Made a mistake and is harrowed by it (another thing I thought was Logan brand but hey!! You get angst, you get angst, everyone gets some angst!!) And when he's like "I thought I was your hero!" And Janus nods my take is that Janus was confirming that he was but Roman doesn't trust his honeyed words at ALL so he thinks it's a lie and is hurt. God, this is phenomenal.

MY BOY LOGAN!!! Baby really went "you guys don't listen to me when I'm there so I won't show up. I have to be present, because I care, but maybe I at least can inform the audience since you guys won't listen." And when I say I cRIED- He was trying so hard he literally smacked Patton (whether to snap him out of it, end the train of thought to help I'm see reason, or just out of spite any reason is valid). He was trying so fucking hard with the little room he was forced to work with, and they kept cutting him down (literally) and choosing to ignore him and insulting him and I 100% think the reason he didn't breakdown was because he knew he had to be the lighthouse in the face of a hurricane and guide the others to safety and home.

Also! Logan got pulled out by a cane. Like the cane Janus used to pull Thomas aside. Janus pulled Logan out before he broke down and lashed out bc Janus is self-preservation and he needed him to take care of Virgil, don't worry, I'll deal with them.

Janus and Logan work together and you can fIGHT ME ON THIS THEY ARE THE PARENTS OF THE WHOLE GROUP TELL ME OTHERWISE!!!!

Logan is the dad Janus is the tired mom and both of them bitch about how much they love their family and how tiring it is to keep doing this over and over and over-

In summary, the things I'm taking from this video is

Character!Thomas is having the biggest breakdown and crisis of his life, and all of the sides are breaking down individually (besides Remus and barely Janus)

Logan and Janus work together to keep this shit show afloat and both are fed up with it all.

Everyone needs to work out their shit

The quality of production and the effort that Thomas and Joan and co. put into these videos make them entirely worth the wait, and I am in love with them bc of it.

Janus is THAT BITCH, and I now stan him almost as much as Logan (but not equally)

And fuck, real Thomas, are you doing alright???

[bellatrixobsessed1]

From Chin to Yon Rah (Part 3)

She goes by many monikers. In this town she will be Bora. At the last one she was Yukia and the one before that it was Yukia but spelled without the ‘Y’. In the next town she will be Zu-Ri. Her stomach is achy and rumbling by the time she sees its shambled skyline and she dreads that she has only come upon a ghost town. She isn’t even there yet and she is already crying tears of frustration. She doesn’t have much energy left, if this is a dead end, she will simply find herself a house to curl up and die in. She will try to find a nicer looking one so that the dust coating her bones will have an aesthetic that is darkly pleasing to behold; a princess dying without a name in the husk of a nameless town that had been abandoned long before she’d come.

Her mongoose-lizard is growing weaker too. It moves more sluggishly and she considers that she may not even make it into town. That her bones will lay in a field. Granted, there is poetry in that too; the thought of floral vines curling around her ribcage  and fire lilies blossoming from her mouth and eye sockets--life in death. And in death she’d give more life than she had when she was alive.

She can no longer keep her head up. She is weak and thirsty. It is now up to her mount to get her to town. She closes her eyes. She  supposes that death isn’t so terrible after all now that it is coming to whisk her away.

Azula doesn’t think that she will wake up, but when she does it is to a cool rag on her head and the smell of chowder. She doesn’t much like chowder, but Agni does it smell heavenly now. She can taste it on her tongue and the taste is warm and inviting. There is another smell in the air, she thinks that it might be bread. She isn’t sure that she has a reason to, but she smiles.

“I was worried that ya weren’t gonna wake up.” Remarks a gruff voice.

Azula sits up, her head pounds lightly but the ache in her stomach is easing up. She is inclined to guess that the man had fed her at least a little. A dizziness clouds her head and it must show on her face because the man moves to hold her steady and the lower her back onto the pillow.

“Easy now.”

She tries to keep her eyes open but finds herself drifting off again. It doesn’t feel as though much time has passed but when she comes to for a second time, the sun filters through the cracked window from a different angle. The man is still sitting there, he has a fire in the center of the room, she smells more soup.

He doesn’t notice her sit up this time. It doesn’t matter, she doesn’t feel quite so dizzy, though her stomach is rumbling again. A quick once over is all that she needs to know that she has, in fact, found a ghost town. She is sheltered in the hollowed guts of a house, chunks of plaster and stone litter the floor amid dust and dirt and teenier fragments of the wall and collapsing ceiling. There are a few pieces of furniture in the room; a chair that is missing a leg, a cracked mirror, and a discolored and dirty sofa with the stuffing weeping from a hole that has probably been created by chipmunk-mice.

The man glances over his shoulder. He is much older than she, at least her father’s age, and sports a rugged beard and scraggly hair. He offers her a smile. “I hope that ya don’t mind chowder, it’s all that I know how to cook well.”

“That’s fine.” She replies. Evidently she is willing to eat damn near anything at this point. “Where’s my mongoose-lizard?”

He jabs his thumb towards the window. “Have ‘im tied up out there. Ya can bring ‘im in if ya want.”

She shakes her head, “he’ll be fine out there, I can’t imagine that many people pass through here.”

“Yer the first I’ve seen.” He hands her a bowl of chowder. “I only have one bowl, but I’ll let ya use it first.”

She nods again and cups her hands around it. It is pleasantly hot on her hand and it smells divine. As divine as fish can smell. She supposes that the vegetable touch makes it more bearable. It doesn’t taste as unappetizing as she had anticipated.

“Where are ya headed?”

She shrugs as she takes another bite. She eats faster than she probably should, at an impolite, rather greedy pace. The sort that her father would have chastised her for. This man seems faintly humored, delighted even. “Good, right? My wife taught me how to make it!”

“I don’t usually eat fish. I don’t like fish.” She takes another bite. “So if I can actually tolerate it, it must be well made.” She clarifies.

He chuckles. “Good to know.”

She hands him the emptied bowl.

“Feeling better now.”

“Quite.”

“Yer Fire Nation nobility aren’t ya?”

“What makes you say that?”

“Ya talk like one’a the educated folk. I also ain’t hear no Earth Kingdom folk with that kin’a accent.”

“And it doesn’t bother you. To talk with a Fire National?”

“War’s been over for a few years now. Yer kin’s as good as my kin.” She thinks, fleetingly that her kin is better than his. Superior. She keeps that much to herself. She is, afterall, on the same level as he. At least for the time being. She ought not be. She ought to be in the palace getting pampered. Again she wonders what has compelled her to flee so far from home. She can only chalk it up to the throes of insanity. No. That isn’t it at all. It was a moment of clarity. She can’t yet bring herself to admit it, but she needs to change. If not she, than something in her life needs to change. And this propels her here.

“Why are you here all alone?” She inquires.

He chuckles again, “I believe I asked you first.”

She gives an indignant snort, “I’m not headed anywhere at all…” She trails off.

“Hmm…”

She pulls her legs up to her chest and listens to the crackle of the fire. “Can I accompany you for a while?”

He mulls it over. “These plains are mighty lonely.” He agrees. “How’s this? Ya let me ride on the mongoose-lizard and I’ll help you replenish your food supply.”

It sounds well enough to her. “We’ll spend the night here and depart at sunrise.”

“Ya cold?”

“A little, yes.”

He shuffles around in his pack, pulls out a blanket, and hands it to her. “I just washed it in the river earlier taday.”

On this night she learns what it means to be generous.

.oOo.

When she tries to stand, she finds that it is difficult. She is still so sapped and spent. She takes one step and nearly topples. Sokka catches her and leads her back to the bed. She curls herself up under the covers and closes her eyes. If nothing else she can savor the plushness of the mattress and the fluffiness of the pillows. It is nice to get reacquainted with luxury even if it is somewhat disorienting. She snuggles her cheek against the silk bed sheets and yawns.

“I take it, that you’d rather get a tour some other time?” Sokka asks.

“Yes, another time.” Azula replies. “I don’t feel well.”

“You look a little pale under that sunburn.”

She is too tired to muster up a sardonic response.

“Should I get one of the doctors?”

Azula shakes her head. “I just need more rest, I think.”

“Do you want me to stay or am I just annoying?”

“Yes.”

“Yes I’m annoying or yes I can stay?”

“Yer annoying but you can stay.”

He laughs.

“Yer supposed to be offended.”

“I’m not laughing at that.” Sokka gives a goofy grin.

“What then?”

“Nothing.” He wipes a tear from his eye. “yer just different is all.”

She rolls away from him, a tinge of pink spreading over her cheeks. “I can still do unspeakably horrible things to you, peasant.” She warns.

“You won’t though.”

“How do you know?”

“I can just tell.” He shrugs. “Can you tell me about it? About your travels; I have a feeling that you’ve got some good stories.”

She shakes her head. “I’m going to try to sleep, Sokka.”

“Alright, well I’ll tell you a few stories!”

Azula groans. She thinks that this might only serve to encourage him. Bothersome it may be, but she can’t help but feel comforted. Once again, she isn’t alone anymore.

[modmad]

hey so THANK YOU for getting me into duck comics, they are so good! except, is it just me or have the recent IDW comics been uh... really boring? I know you don't like talking negatively about stuff it just feels like, the stories you write are so much more energetic and like the older ones which tackled more interesting subjects

you caught me- I’ve been hesitating on commenting on it bc of personal reasons but, you know? when you’re right you’re right. The writing has had a significant drop in quality, and looking into it there’s a clear change in who the writing/editing team was before and is now- not to say the new writers are to blame, where the pressure and direction for the stories is coming from is always hard to say, but it’s clear that something has happened. It feels like whoever is writing now is targeting a much younger (maybe preschool) audience, but the reason the stories always appealed to me and everyone else is because they didn’t talk down to me as a child, and don’t dull down characters or story topics based off who is ‘expected’ to read them.

Much as with the best ‘children’s’ books, they are universally beloved and successful because they’re just damned good books! It’s a shame to see it, and bizarre, when you see how the European comics still strive to push boundaries and make things that are explorative as well as compelling in a narrative sense. I’m not sure who should be held to account or who needs to hear the feedback, but I think at this point the only way to get the stories back to the quality they used to be is to talk about it. Not unkindly, no raging hoards with pitch forks, but just, make it known that it’s disappointing for the people who have always loved them and off-putting to new would-be readers.

[thegeminisage]

it's officially zelda time! i forgot my amiibo yesterday so that's what i gotta do first

i think i need to do more fighting bc i have an ABUNDANCE of weapons and i can't take any out of these chests lol

NOOOOOO AND I JUST GOT SWORD OF THE HERO........................rip :(

AND the dusk claymore...no.......i don't even have room in my HOUSE for this many weapons

i just gotta travel back to my house to do the rest. h8 to leave when i just got here but this is ridiculous lol

sorry boulder breaker. move over for zelda's kickass tp sword

TWILIGHT TROUSERS!!! hell yeah

ok, back to where i was before i get tempted to do something else lol. one of these days i'm gonna build a cooler house...i saw some on youtube that blew my mind...i was blind to the potential because i was too busy focusing on limitations...which are still fucking stupid btw

aw, i found a note on a table about mr whats his name worrying about finley in the sludge. see now if i had explored this properly the first time...

in absolute hysterics trying to get this korok up a cliff without shelling out for a bike. i stuck him to a log and he rolled over and over and over. i wish i had taken a video

oh my god blood moon guy BACK IN THIS CAVE LOL i already rescued him from here once. pfffft

oh shit he just warned me tonight would be the blood moon...the worst fucking time right as i get into this complex cave system :/ ty for the heads up at least...

thank god, the flux heart went away when the MS ran out of power lol

lol this chef's diary in the wells. "i tried to eat something beyond our understanding" girl so true. i hope we actually get to meet her somehow

yoooo zonai ruins where vah ruta used to be..................miss you, girl

damn there's like a whole cavern down here. i wonder why they didn't put anything in it

OH there's a chest when you ascend...clever!!

holy shit the sidon straightwashing and sisterwife shenanigans continue lol. i found a little zora monument where he talks about seeing yona as his big sister, older and way more mature than him, until his "feelings became more difficult to quantify," and then his dad just informed him they were getting hitched. like. dude. are you ok??? HE LITERALLY MARRIED HIS SISTER, who is a stand-in for his mother!!!! like does he even LIKE girls?????

goddammit i lost my bike looking around in this fucking cave WHY DOES ITALWAYS DESPAWN...

aww here's another story of the first few years after mipha's death...geez, poor sidon

a little disappointed i missed all this when i was here before...and even these are only 2 tablets out of like. 10? i think? man.

and i have such fond memories of running around here in botw struggling so much and not knowing what the HELL i was doing or what was going on lol. sidon my first true guide outside of the plateau cheering me on the whole way! nostalgia.

NOOOOOO im reading another and man zelda begging forgiveness for mipha's death...wah

"she held that unthinkable disaster at bay for 100 years with nothing more than the sheer force of her will" THATS MY GIIIRRRRLLLL

wah sidon admired her inner strength.......

AWWW sidon has a new quest for me!! yay i love surprises

aw well it's just a treasure hunt. but still

dropped this fucking bike all the way from the top of the zoras domain fish statue and its still in one piece. hell yeah

omg one of these zoras is a crab freak...he's lucky i had enough with me, i use these things for cooking all the time

holy shit there's a CHASM uin this hidden cave...i saw it on the map and wondered why it wasn't there. it's so freaky how none of the water flows into it

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO VAH RUTA HELM

hell YES

i havent even touched this part of the map in the depths yet...i am unfortunately compelled to go down the chasm :/ maybe it will be fine and i will find so much zonaite! idk, i really liked it at the beginning of the game when i was actually too underleveled to be there, but now it just all feels the same. very blegh

immediately i spot a mine, a lightroot, and like a bunch of those huge poes. i even found a few crystalized charges just lying around!!

brightbloom seeds on water are so pretty.........

anyway life hack use a lynel bow for 3x the light lol

god damn it there is ANOTHER mud octorok thingy voer there i do not want to i do not WANT to

jesus christ that was so fucking annoying. i HATE that one

YOOOOOO 100 crystalized charges...ok maybe worth it

i used to ignore these little stations with zonai parts...now i'm thrilled this one is stocked with bike material lol

DAMN WAIT OK.......my master sword is WAY more powerful down here!! shes glowing!!! this is the first time ive fought with it in the depths...thats wonderful!!!!!!

i read somewhere that you need like 4500 zonaite or something to max your battery out...which is bad...but i did just get like 100 in this one camp. so, 45 monster camps...still bad but like, not undoable

three monster camps done. i see a fourth one but my fucking bike despawned and i am officially sick of being down here. i'm out!!

hateno detour to turn in all this fabric i got.

dammit i went out and got monster curry for this fucking sidequest here and now idon't have GORON SPICE? gimme a fucking break i'm fast traveling right now to go get it who knows when i'll be back this is ridiculous

bought their fucking stock out. BACK to hateno...

i can use...the school's field...?

FARMING SIM?????????????????????

well lol i have nothing useful to add to the field and the npc does all the work, but still cool!! this game rly does have everything

the problem w my battery is, idk where any of those little shops are. i got one under the great plateau, one on the great sky islands, and that's it. are they just in abandoned mines??

great sky islands to buy Even More crystalized charges. stopping to get some fans. maybe i'll put my third medallion here since i need them so often...but there's a shrine closeby, so maybe not

got one and TWO THIRDS of a battery!!! not bad for just one little trip underground (tho i didn't get it all from there lol)

god this will make biking so much better.........

back to zoras domain. i have it on good authority (i saw it on my map by accident) that my climbing gear is here and i am LIVID that i've been living without it all this time bc i didn't fucking explore properly. i know there's some in this cave let's FUCKING go

ok, i didn't find it. apparently in a different cave, the whole zora area is lousy w them

unfortunately tho i gotta go to bed so that's a problem for future me!!

[the-formerone]

ok but I really miss how fucking scary naruto used to be. i was in like the 3rd grade when i saw the wave arc in the anime, gaara literally losing his damn mind, hinata getting beat within an ACTUAL INCH OF HER LIFE in a SANCTIONED FIGHT that got so outta control THREE ADULTS HAD TO STEP IN TO STOP NEJI. when i saw orochimaru bite sasuke in the forest of death i had real ass nightmares. because the shit was terrifying.

those were kids!! kids that were only a little bit older than I was!!! literally fighting for their lives and there was NO GUARANTEE that they’d make it, that they’d WIN. and i think a lot of the reason why i stopped watching and reading and caring about naruto is because that threat of survival (in addition to the genuine horror of the world these kids were born into) just ..... wasn’t there anymore. like I stopped believing that naruto was in real danger. that sasuke was. that ANYONE was. when characters started getting so OP that they could just bring someone back to life (im looking @ u granny chiyo and fucking nagato resurrecting an entire godDAMN VILLAGE) at the expense of a life that meant nearly nothing in canon, I just got bored.

Zabuza and haku??? their deaths were BEAUTIFUL because they HURT SO GODDAMN MUCH because their arcs were POWERFUL. because they weren’t the kazekage or the inheritor of the rinnegan. sure they had a fuckin bloodline limit and were an incredible swordsman but they were also victims of genocide and yknow the shinobi system. they were people that the shinobi system had failed. but the system wASNT failing. it was doing exactly what it was supposed to. naruto is a goddamn TRAGEDY. imho it is a TRAGIC piece of media about child soldiers dying and the ones who do somehow survive to adulthood being so nearly obliterated by their own trauma that they can’t PUT DOWN a war time mindset so they keep destroying the worlds of peace that they were desperate for in their youth. IN WHAT WORLD does a series like that end with marriage and happy children?? IN WHAT WAY can the horrors of that world be explained away via godlike aliens and prophecies??

naruto was SUPPOSED to be a piece of media about HUMAN FOLLY and HUMAN MISTAKES and HUMAN UGLINESS. yeah it’s protag is a happy go lucky kid but he’s also the VESSEL FOR AN INFINITELY POWERFUL DEMON AND IS ALSO AN ORPHAN THAT NOBODY LIKES UNTIL HE SAVES THE WORLD. like do we really stop to think about how utterly deplorable that was? aside from oh narutoooo he loved everyone anyway uwu like NO YALL. WAIT A MINUTE. THINK FOR A SECOND. aside from being the kyuubi jinchuuriki naruto was an average orphan. like tenten. like lee. who were essentially IGNORED until any of them showed promise as shinobi. these kids are worth NOTHING unless they’re combat capable. that??? is terrifying. it’s ugly. and it’s what made naruto so interesting to me as a kid and doubly more interesting as an adult. and now that it’s over I’m just .... disappointed. because this series was on its way to give us a riveting story about a child both failed and served by the system he was born into, trying to save ANOTHER CHILD failed and served by that same system, a story that really could have changed the way a whole generation’s worth of kids thought about war and violence and social upbringing and class structures and family and imperialism and the Personal Cost of upholding these systems of inequity and violence and then just .... nerfed itself. and how sad is that. honestly.

tldr; naruto was way more compelling when there were actual stakes and consequences and when those disappeared, i did too

[clarkgreggreporter]

The Reddit MarvelStudios AMA (Ask Me Anything) with Clark Gregg, May 16, 2017 (click here to read all the questions)

A: (out of sequence, so no question): Well, this week I'm really missing Bill Paxton and Powers Boothe because we lost them and they were both such excellent guys.

A: Missed a few questions there. I'll try to answer some. I love the MCU and love watching the movies and I miss my friends in those casts. That said, I am really proud of where we've gone with Agents of SHIELD and I love this bunch of actors and writers (and crew) as much as any I've ever worked with.

Q What upcoming MCU property are you looking forward to the most? Tahiti is a magical place! A: Anything with Adam Warlock and that may have just been teased in GOTG2

Q Do you have any stories and/or favourite memories of working with the late Bill Paxton? Thanks! A: So many. Just the big grin he'd show up with every day and say, "Bud-dy..." Just a great guy and a wonderful actor/filmmaker with more stories than anyone I've ever met.

Q: What is your favourite MCU movie? A: Pretty damn psyched for Captain Marvel especially with the amazing Brie Larson

Q: Hi! Thank you so much for being SO awesome. In Avengers, when Coulson has been stabbed by Loki and gets to shoot him with the massive gun, he says "oh, that's what that does". What do you wish that gun had done? A: Gone off on its own a minute earlier.

Q: Hi! Thanks for doing this. What's your favorite hand? And if you could have any new hand for your character, what could it do? Thank you! A: The SHIELD attachment does not suck

Q: Hi Clark! Thanks for doing this AMA and everything you've done for the MCU. Love your portrayal of A.C. (Daisy needs to bring that back imo). Have you had any input or influence on the development of Coulson? A: I have some input but most of the great stuff on our show is straight from the writers.   Dream storyline involves saving the Defenders and the Avengers and the Guardians and the Royal Family and everyone in Legion when they get themselves in trouble with Thanos. In a musical episode by Lin Manuel Miranda. (Hamilton)

Q: u/70astralaxe wanted to ask you those question but he coudn't so I'll Phil in [sorry for the pun...]    Favourite Star Wars movie.    Favourite MCU movie.    Whether he had any "holy shit" moments during script-read/when filming a scene.    What he wants for the future of MCU/SHIELD.    If he is planning on doing non-MCU stuff anytime in the near future.    Favourite Ice-Cream Flavour.    Favourite Holiday Destination. A: I'll pick 2. Empire and that coconut something from Ben and jerry's

Q: Clark, it was great seeing you at Denver Comic Con last year. I was the one who told you I loved Choke as well as the intro you wrote for Avengers: Endless Wartime. My question though, do you have any projects coming up that you are writing/directing? Choke was 2008, and Trust me was 2013, so I was hoping we were due for something else soon. Thanks, love your work. A: Writing a film and a sci-fi pilot. Hope to make something next hiatus.

Q: When Joss called you up about Much Ado About Nothing, what was your reaction? Did you get any say in your role? Have you done any other Shakespeare? Thanks for doing this AMA today! A: I was terrified when Joss called, but excited because I had just had a dream I was doing some Shakespeare and it felt ordained. And I love Joss.

Q: Have you watched GOTG Vol. 2 yet? A: Yes. Laughed my ass off.

Q: Hello, What's your favourite MCU movie? Also, what does RDJ smell like? A: I'm a big fan of the Avengers and anything with Cap. Or Stark. Or Thor or the Guardians. Or Strange. Let's face it, I'm a Marvel slut. Robert smells like warm beaches and babies laughing and a freshly washed thong.

Q: What kind of changes in perspective on your character did you work on to bring the 3 different versions of Coulson to life this season? We've had Agent Coulson, Robo Coulson, and Mr. Coulson. What was the most fun about doing that? Also, minor question, do you happen to know what brand / model of glasses you were rocking in the Framework? (I tweeted @amandalynnriley, but alas no response). A: It was fun to have new takes on Phil. Amazing work by the writers. Especially geeking out teacher Phil with his soap. The glasses are called Barton Pereira (sp)

Q: What would like to do for a living if you weren't an actor, besides dominating in lip sync battles? A: Music something. probably not very well. But I loved being in a band. A lot.

Q: Hi Clark! Awesome for you to do this before the big season finale. How do you think your character has changed between now and the beginning of Iron Man 1? In other words, do you think your acting of Phil Coulson has changed that much in 9 years? A: Ah, jeez, I don't know. The character has been through a lot and gotten older, so maybe he's less innocent and a little darker, but I probably am too. I don't know about the acting. I try to forget that's what it is.

Q: Do you read your fanmail? If so, what's something cool a fan has sent you? A: I do. I get amazing stuff and try to answer it all. I've been sent crocheted blankets and lola pillows and maybe some underwear.

Q: Thank you for putting your all into Coulson. He's my favourite character in the entire Marvel universe. As for my question, how much of Clark has gone into the role? Specificially the frequent Star Wars references... is that your input or does it come purely from the writers? A: The writers and I love Star Wars and couldn't imagine Coulson wouldn't as well. There's a bunch of me and then some stiff that's verrrrry different from me.

Q: More serious question: One of the things I love about AoS is how men and women fight each other as equals. But I've wondered if that took the male actors a little getting used to, going all out punching and kicking female actors. Did you find that awkward at first? A: Definitely. Really did not like punching May or Daisy even though neither was a real punch.

Q: Hey Clark! Huge fan of your work in the MCU. My question. Did you know that when you died in the Avengers that you would be brought back for SHIELD? Thanks! A: I did not. Neither did they. #CoulsonLives gave them the idea. So thanks.

Q: What's the weirdest thing a fan ever asked you to do? A: Sign a boob. But it was a big boob so I wrote my full name and then Agent Coulson.

Q: With the amount of time Coulson has been spending in the field in AOS, it has become more and more unlikely that the Avengers wouldn't know that Phil is still alive. Do you personally think any of them know? A: I really wish I had a good answer for that, but I don't. Some day.

Q: Yo Clark! I'm sure you're gonna get a bunch of marvel questions and that's awesome. But I know you're a basketball fan so this is my first question. Who ya got winning the finals? And secondly: Any advice for someone who's dream is to work within marvel either on the tv side or movie side? A: Warriors look soooo good. To work for Marvel it helps to love comics and marvel and then just try to be really good at what you want to do there.

Q: Hey Clark! Read any good books lately? A: Yes. The Wind Up Bird Chronicle by Mirukami

Q: What was it like meeting Melissa Benoist for the dubsmash battle? And have you met any of the other CW heroes? A: I think she's amazing. Loved her in Whiplash. And the fact that she took part in that for charity made me love her even more.

Q: I've been marvel fan since my early childhood, having been born without half of my right hand, my parents and superheroes have always been the biggest source of inspiration. Even in my wildest dreams, i couldnt have predicted these last 10 years, what MCU has achieved and how popular these stories would become all around the world, in that way im living my childhood dream- to see it all done well on the silver screen. What is even crazier- I wouldnt have predicted that the Son of Coul, a shield agent from phase one movies, would start his own show- his own team. Over the years, Aos became , in my humble opinion, the best that superhero tv shows can offer right now, and most recently, even a better source of fun than some of the MCU movies. Past week, i have been buzzing, that we re getting another season. Mostly, i want to say THANK YOU, to everyone who helps to make this show what it is, a source of inspiration and fun to look forward to almost every week. Thank you Mr. Gregg, for breathing life into this awesome character, and also for motivating me in my own studies, and career. I just wanted to express my gratitude, and ask, recently, the Ghost Rider, LMD and Framework arcs have cemented the greatness of this show. When you got first approached to make a shield show, did you think it would end up as such a compelling characters, stories, effects and going for 5 seasons on a small screen? Did you have any doubts? Was there ever a moment when you got a script/shot a scene, where u said to yourself : "Wow, this is amazing" ? Thank you, wish you and the whole cast/crew all the best in making another successful season. A big fan, all they way from Slovakia A: This made my day. Thank you.

Q: What did you think of Iron Fist on Netflix? Do you think it deserves the criticism? What would you have done different if you were the showrunner? A: I love Iron Fist. Both seasons. (then...another reply) Oops. I meant Daredevil. Didn't sleep too well.

Q: Do you remember your time on The Shield well? Great performance. Any fun stories from the set? A: My friend David Mamet directed and the character was so uhinged I felt wrong afterwards. Also, Billy Gierhart who has directed the most eps of AoS was the cameraman on that ep.

Q: As a big fan of What Lies Beneath and Choke, can we expect to see you work behind the camera on Agents of SHIELD any time soon? A: I may direct an episode in season 5. if I don't pass out from exhaustion just thinking about it.

Q: Jed Whedon recently made his directing debut in SHIELD's episode Self Control, which is probably my favorite episode of the show now. What was it like having him direct? Do you think we can look forward to more episodes helmed by him? Great job this season by the way! Coulson's speech a few episodes ago rocked, Captain America would be proud A: jed was amazing and that may be my favorite too. He better direct some more or we'll drag him down to set and make him.

Q: Hey Clark! Thanks for coming by! In about a year we'll be coming up on Iron Man's 10th Anniversary, which means you'll have been playing Coulson for 10 years. How does that feel? And, if you could have Coulson appear in any Marvel-related property, what would it be? A: Wow. Ten years. I feel very lucky. I could have been stuck that long playing a character I didn't love in a world I didn't care about. #Grateful

Q: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D has been renewed for a fifth season, but does not appear on ABC's Fall schedule. Obviously, it will start later, but we've been getting mixed signals. Do you know if Season 5 will be a full, 22 episode season or has it been shortened? A: Yes. Full season after the 8 eps of The Inhumans. Then we do our whole run. Could be cool that way.

Q: Can you tell us anything about today's AoS finale? A: Coulson will change.

Q: This is also a question from my girlfriend, who is at work and can't ask herself: Do you think Phil and May will have a happy ending? A: I won't touch that one.

Q: How would coulson react to meeting the defenders? A: He would geek out. But who knows, maybe they would too.

Q: Two questions: first, I'm currently binge watching the West Wing and I have to ask what it was like working with dialog written by Aaron Sorkin?  Second, are we ever going to see your wife, Jennifer Grey, on AoS? A: Aaron's dialogue is like no one else's. I did Sports Night, TWW and A Few Good Men on Broadway. So I'm lucky. He did a lot to put me on the map.

Q; Hi Clark! Thank you for doing this! I can’t wait for tonight’s finale. Can you take us through what it was like auditioning and successfully getting the role of Coulson? Did you ever imagine that the role would develop and expand like it has over time? A: Never auditioned. Got an offer to play a part that was two scenes in IM. Then they added more and more scenes. Cut to Phil nine years later about to walk into the season 4 finale where he will finally (REDACTED)

Q: Clark, you all have been doing such a great job over the last few years. Why do you think Agents of SHIELD has resonated with so many fans around the world? A: Because thanks to the cast, crew, the writers and Marvel the show keeps getting better all the time. That's very rare.

Last Words From Clark: Thanks so much of the great questions. Sorry I couldn't answer more of them. Acting in an independent film today so I have to run. Join me on the twitter for the S.4 finale tonight. Love you all.

[hazeeeeeeeeeeeeeel]

Happiness

I want to write about happiness in general as a series. For most of my life I could say that I have been pretty damn happy. But lately throughout the past few years I seem to have lost my touch with it. I hope that in writing this series full of my thoughts, anecdotes, and past experiences, I am able to reclaim where I left off mentally and emotionally. This is Chapter 3.

Comparison

Some of you folks from high school know this story, some of you don’t. I guess we can say though, that the variation form high school changed because life right? But the central thought of eating away at my happiness stays the same.

I have two older brothers. I don’t really talk to them all too much. We are each one year apart so I’m 23, the middle is 24, and the oldest is 25. Back in high school, the oldest one didn’t really do so great throughout but the middle one was a pretty good fucking golden child. 4.0 student, president of prestigious clubs, marching band, editor in chief for journalism, and even had a girlfriend. This dude lived the fucking life man. And I was happy for him. But it wasn’t always like that okay? See, when I was always following him, I wanted to live up to his standards he placed for himself. So I joined the same clubs he did, the same marching band, took the same classes, even had a crush on his girlfriends sister LMFAO (but let’s be real here, Jessica was a reallllll fucking angel WHICH BY THE WAY WAS A COINCIDENCE THAT THEY WERE SISTERS IM JUST SAYING IT JUST WORKED OUT THAT WAY). And I was doing pretty fucking well too living up to my brother’s footsteps. I had a 3.8 GPA (btw this is all unweighted with honors and ap as well), I was an editor in journalism soon to be editor in chief, did drumline for marching band, was a board member of a club that my brother was president in, and Jessica and were Speech and Debate partners so you KNEW we’d spend hours together talking about how we would win trophies (and we won trophies). I too, was living the fucking good life. Until life hit.

See, sometimes it was too hard, so I cheated on my assignments and exams that I could. And I got caught. Back to back times and so the consequences happened. I got kicked off the club I was board member in, I got demoted from my editor position, my grades fucking slipped, I even got fucking kicked off from speech and debate so how could I win with Jessica then (we eventually didn’t work out anyways)? And it’s crazy, cause I was going through some pretty down times at this moment in my junior year and what was my brother doing? Oh well, he was getting interviews for Harvard, Princeton, Yale, being on the news for his awards in art, and fucking asking his girlfriend to Prom in the most baller fucking way that the whole school began to think “why didn’t my date do this for me?” But that wasn’t the worst part of how I felt. Because we were pretty poor and we lived in a two bedroom apartment. The eldest was in college, my parents shared one bedroom, and so my brother and I shared another. And I would wake up earlier for school than he would cause I liked to eat breakfast and just take my slow ass time. Check this out… for a moment I hated my brother. Not hated in contempt, but hated because of how far I fell while he was doing so well. See I loved him, and I always did. But I also hated him as a symbol for what I wanted to do with my life and how I couldn’t do anything about it. How would you think I felt, okay, when everything I wanted to accomplish… everything I wanted to become… and everything I wanted to dream of doing, was literally in front of my face every fucking morning when I woke up, only then to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth where I saw my reflection as a reminder that everything I wanted to accomplish, become, and dream of was absolute jack shit? Because I always compared my brother to myself and how basically shit I was compared to him.

Fast forward to today, and new comparisons are being made when I told myself that I wouldn’t let it get to me. And my parents, bless my parents, they have children so far from the same tree and yet they treat their apples, mangoes, and durians the same (FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T KNOW, DURIANS ARE PRETTY FUCKING SHIT)… But these comparisons are in fact getting to me. Because my eldest brother is finishing his final year in pharmacy school, and the middle one, who I was envious of in the past, is making 120k per year at Google right now as he travels the world while my family needs money and so I feel like a burden financially.  Yeah… if I had to compare… pretty fucking shit right? I just feel like with a snapshot of my life, I know my parents and family love me, but it would be easier on them if we could just Idk erase me in general. Of course I would never be so compelled to do that, but the reality is that aside from love, I am in fact more bad than good for my family. And it’s troublesome.

And this is where happiness comes into the picture. It’s funny cause as I write, I feel like I’m preaching to myself, as if I should heed my own advice about what to do with my life and how to approach it moving forward. We’re all pretty fucking different. I thought about leaving a typo there, right after pretty. That way I could have said “We’re all pretty” and just left it there, because that makes so much sense too in that we are all very beautiful in our own differences and unique traits that make us distinctly particular. No one can tell you how to live your life and where your life should be at in its various stages. Psh, the only person who can take control of my life is when Jesus takes the wheel, and when he takes that wheel, he’s fucking bringing it back onto the road alright? Don’t make comparisons. Please. Not with your friends, family, or just even strangers. Don’t make comparisons because it sets a standard of their expectations and not yours. You are meant to live your life, not someone else’s. And perhaps that’s what bothered me most about high school and growing up in general, that I was trying to live a life that wasn’t mine (although Christmas would have been fucking awesome if my brother and I got invited to the same household lmfao). If anything, the only comparison we ought to make is the one where we compare where we were yesterday to where we are today. Happiness is something that is entirely subjective to our own selves. What may bring happiness to our neighbors, may not bring happiness to us. And so, if you’re at the point in your life where you feel like you’re making progress, and your peers are already having wives and kids, then fuck it, you’re happy because you’re out there to take care of yourself. Please please please. Take care of yourself and judge your own life through your eyes only and not anyone else’s. The moment you become consumed by how everyone’s lives are around you is the moment when you’re done and unhappy. Perhaps with my own self as I reflect upon writing this, I take into stride that the loss and regrets I feel are perfectly okay while I shouldn’t compare my shortcomings to how others around me are succeeding. My life. My actions. My future. Set your own standards for yourself and be proud of everything you accomplish no matter how small, how large, how irrelevant, or how relevant. Just as how different my life is from my brothers’ lives, I think that’s fine because we’re different people with different timelines and different perspectives and so for me, It’s okay to stumble. It’s okay for you to stumble as well; I guarantee that everyone else you were so preoccupied with comparing yourself with has stumbled as well, just on their own paces indifferent to yours as yours ought to be indifferent to theirs. It is only through our own perspectives can we really gauge whether or not we are happy.

[stardustjunkie]

On Family & Ancestral Healing Disclaimer: Its long! The background story is first, insights at the end. I don't think it's a coincidence that as I've deepened my relationship with the medicine I've also been deepening my connection with my bloodline. Working with Grandmother has shown me how to more effectively and tenderly work with my Grandmother! Now, there are many bloodlines running through my body, but this particular work is regarding my matrilineal side, my Lebanese-Armenian family, with whom I grew up with and spent most of my childhood years around. My grandmother, Makrouhi Arabajian, now Margaret Thatje, helped raise me from birth till we moved from California to Wisconsin when I was about 9 years old. My sister and I would fly back to visit once or twice a year, but as I got older the trips were less and less. Being the first born, my grandmother always felt a special connection to me and spoiled me rotten. She's responsible for my early sugar addiction and love of musicals! Getting older and better understanding the intricacies of a family dynamic, I learned just how difficult life was growing up for my mother and uncle, and how challenging spending time with my grandmother can be. Without going into too much detail, my grandmother was the first in her family to immigrate to America from Lebanon. she came here alone at 24 years old with a husband who was 35 years her senior and totally emotionally unavailable. This is my grandfather, Adebeg, who I knew at 4 years old as an old man who fed me sugar cubes and scared me wth his dentures. I now have his gold front teeth as a necklace from my uncle. So, being alone in a new world is pretty frightening. She was put to work immediately and, being a rebel, had to learn all the ways a woman "should" act and perform as a "good wife." She had children, my uncle Ademar and my mother Laila. They grew up isolated, lonely, over-protected, and without a voice. Though fiercely loved, it was a love from a mother who had nothing but her children in this new world, at least until the rest of the family came to the US. This fear of losing what she had was manifested in being that kind of person who covers their furniture in plastic to protect it, if that gives you any sort of simple context. My mother and uncle endured some neglect from their birth father and abuse from their step father. My uncle is gay and unable to share that part of his life, which because of his conditioned self-loathing isn't really a life. He got a good job that allows him to visit his mother often and take care of her. My mom got married, gave her mother grandchildren, divorced twice and continued to battle her deep depression and high anxiety. Being older and able to see the complex weavings of my family dynamic and being someone who is so dedicated to healing and understanding, I have all kinds of new perspectives and approaches thanks to Ayahuasca and my personal experiences through emotional wild fires. After my first experience working with Ayahuasca in March, in a beautiful, transformative, life changing 4-day ceremony, I was compelled to see my grandmother (among many other things I was compelled to do and not do, hehe). I budgeted and booked a flight for June, right after my second round of ceremony. That entire visit felt like one long, intensive healing quest. I was still riding the post-ceremony euphoric clarity and that allowed me to anchor in love, to be patient and curious in the face of challenge and disruption. I was able to, for the first time, really connect with my uncle and see his pain. He's focused on his mother and her wellbeing for so long that it's become an obsession that's sucking the vitality out of his life. He's consistently on edge, suffers frequent panic attacks, out bursts of anger, lethargic depression, and decision paralysis. All from a place of love and concern, but expressed in a way that is depleting his personal reserves and distracting him from the path of healing by redirecting attention away from himself. My grandma is a whole other story! To keep it brief, she's a born-again a Christian who's extremely stubborn, hypocritical, progressive when it comes to the heart of a matter but conditioned to be rather critical of absolutely everything on the surface. She glosses over conflict, wants the best from you but only if it's in the way she thinks is best, and loves to sing Armenian church hymns as morning prayer even though she lost her voice. She's hilarious, generous, so strong, and really a trail blazer. Last visit I considered moving back to Los Angeles to be closer to her. One of my jobs is as a caregiver for dementia patients. I thought, "Why am I caring for someone else's grandmother when I can be taking care of my own?" I considered indigenous beliefs systems regarding family, community, and caring for elders and how in our western world we've moved away from communal care because of the productivity based work schedules this life under capitalism and hegemony require. I considered who and what I'd be leaving behind, the sacrifices and compromises, and what sort of unknowns I'd be embracing. The ocean called to me, and I wanted to return to her. I was pretty convinced for a couple weeks. I waiting till I was back home and settled to reconsider such a huge move. Now, I've decided that I have much work I want to do in Milwaukee, and my community and creative endeavors thst are in Wisconsin are still alive and growing. Also, I want to be close to ceremony and my rebel family, the community that we cultivate and nourish. Now that I'm here again, a month later, Im seeing that my decision was the right one. My grabdmother is 87 and lives alone. She still drives, cooks for herself, cares for a delicious fig tree and lush rose garden. Shes got some health issues of course, but ultimately is pretty damn great for her age! I'm able to sit with her, listen to her stories and extract all kinds of wisdom through the broken English that weaves in French, Arabic, and Armenian words. I see that some of her health issues are mine- her having lost her voice but still singing as prayer, her digestive issues, her addiction to sweets. I have learned to receive messages of healing and guidance all around me. I have grown in patience and learned when to engage and when to float. I see now that the thorn is in my uncle's side. This trip has been energetically heavy and sludgey compared to last time. My uncle arrived on edge and hasn't moved from it. Yesterday his mounting stress, anxiety, and suppressed feelings erupted in a temper tantrum during a 3 hour car ride home from a family gathering. I knew what was going on, so I didn't breach the subject, making sure to allow some space on what was rather close quarters. instead, I focused on what I could've done better, what I could do moving forward. I sat in silent meditation in the passenger seat. Letting my mind and spirit journey, seeing myself as someone who can see the truth so clearly, but often burns when I should warm. I saw that because I know better in this situation, I have to be the one to do better. That though my perceptions may be right, my delivery is the most important part. I noticed that when it comes to a family members pain I have a hard time feeling compassionate. I get annoyed, irritated, angry. I want to tell them to get their shit together because I'm only 27 and who the fuck is helping me out? I allowed myself to see this part of me in my mind, to see where it arises in my body. I then asked myself why I cannot look at his pain? Why is it so uncomfortable to see an adult family member so vulnerable and suffering? I looked, in my mind, at his pain. I saw that he felt isolated, alone, and deeply lost to himself. I saw that I couldn't look at it because it was my pain, too. Then I asked for my higher self to elevate me to a vantage point of love. To see love in everyone and everything! Stop look passed ego and personalities and to see the love, the angel, the child within. To learn to soften into tender compassion. To break the uncomfortable barrier of affection and hold him of he needed it. I prayed to Ayahuasca to help me move this energy, to see where I am creating blockages, to see where I can provide support, where I can offer healing and love. I am being shown when to blaze and when to warm (to use Justin Tilley's words). I slept on it. In the morning I went for a walk while Ademar was doing work in the garden before the clear, bright, hot sun moved in. I sang what I call Chaos Songs- free association melodies and words, even if nonsense, with the intention of love and healing. I returned to my grandmothers mobile home and Ademar immediately came to apologize. I invited him to sit with me on the porch and talk. He explained everything that I already knew- his mounting anxiety, his feelings of being out of control, the helplessness, feeling isolated, the eruption. He started to cry. Just like in my vision, I was able to hold him, to tell him he's safe and I love him. We discussed how he spends all his time and energy focused on helping his mother and so has neglected to help himself. I encouraged him to find therapy back home, since the company he works for is really creative, progressive, and offers amazing insurance. He agreed. We discussed that grandma is really actually alright, and now it's him that needs the love and support. Now the sun is climbing higher, the air is hot and dry. My uncle is resting on the couch (that no longer is covered with plastic), my grandmother is awake and making Turkish coffee, I am washing figs and spooning olives into a bowl. Thank you for reading. Thank you to our plant teachers, to Ayahuasca for her terrifying, beautiful, infinite love and power. Thank you for these opportunities for growth. Thank you for this experience of life.