#Complications of Depression

[that-tall-queer-bassist]

hey, just as a btw, a fic or a series not uploading for a year doesn't mean its abandoned.

Sometimes the authors have shit going on, other wips, or! it just needs to sit and marinate for a bit. Collecting all the flavor and details it wouldn't have otherwise.

it's okay for updates to take a while.

And if you're impatient? Why not leave a nice comment telling us (the author(s)) what you love about the fic or series? say that you love it, and are "waiting eagerly for the next chapter" and/or that you "would love to see x or y happen because it would mean-"

This could be a new fandom vibe because of all the "i have to drop this while people are still interested" energy, but its not universal, and i don't believe its good for the fandom ecosystem.

Have patience, and have compassion. Remember that authors are human and these fics? (or comics, animatics, whatever) This is our art. We care about it just as much, if not more than you.

[floertoer]

phantom lord is my favorite fairy tail arc for a plethora of reasons, partly because it explores class dynamics in fiore. ivan assumes that lucy was funneling money into the guild and that she's not actually a competent mage because she's a rich heiress which leads me to believe rich people don't join guilds and they don't do magic. which is why they hire guild mages to do things for them. mages tend to live paycheck to paycheck because mage work is a gig economy. for that reason, mage work is probably undervalued, and that makes me think of the dynamic between mages and high society

expanding on my lucy never runs away AU under the cut. previous post

Mages and Knights

When Erza brings the quest down from the second floor, Mirajane takes a long look at it, a frown forming on her face. She looks up at Erza. “Are you sure you want to take this one?” she asks slowly like she's speaking to a child. 

If she was younger, that would be enough to start a fight. Erza nods, urging Mirajane to hurry up and approve the quest. “Well, I wouldn't be able to go any other way,” Erza responds, her voice harsher than necessary. She's older, but that doesn't mean she's matured that much. 

Mirajane sighs but gives the quest a stamp of approval anyway. “It won't be as fun as you think. High society doesn't like people like us.” 

“How would you know? You’ve never shown up,” Erza bites. Her fuse has always been short with Mirajane, and the patronizing expression on her face is almost enough for Erza to revert back to being thirteen. 

Mirajane doesn't respond. There's nothing she could possibly say that will make Erza not take this quest. Mirajane calls out to her as she storms out of the guild, “Just don't get your hopes up!” 

The door to the guild slams, and everyone turns to look. It doesn't take long for everyone to return back to whatever they were doing before. Mira sighs and grabs the rag thrown over her shoulder and continues what she was doing before Erza stopped her — wiping down the countertop. Cana moves down the bar,  taking a seat across from the exhausted barmaid. “What's the matter with her?” Cana asks, cradling a large barrel of booze under her arm. 

“You know Erza,” Mira replies, not wanting to get into it. 

“Sure,” Cana agrees. “Why're you mad then?” 

Despite not having a proper fight since they were sixteen, it wasn't rare for Erza to get irritated with Mira. Erza didn't blow up like she used to, but it was obvious to everyone when the redhead wanted to. Mira didn't understand it. She rarely gets irritated at Erza, nor does she with anyone. Ever since… Well, she's become much more docile in the last decade. 

“Why does she act like that?” Mira questions. 

“You know Erza,” Cana teases. She laughs when she sees the unimpressed expression on Mira's face. “It doesn't help you still look at her with that condescending expression.” 

Mira gasps offendedly and straightens her back — narrowing her eyes at Cana. “I don't do that.” 

“You totally do,” Cana insists. She takes a quick swig of booze before continuing, “The rest of us have gotten used to it, but you've always gotten under Erza's skin.” Anyone who knew Mira — really knew her — could tell you that she had a look. When she was younger, it was a cruel look, full of judgment; now that she is older, the look is still judgmental, but it’s taken a pitying element. 

An annoyed growl rips its way from her throat. Cana smiles; despite the change in outer appearance, inner Mira remained the same. Mira schools her expression into a look of perfect neutrality before sighing again. “Do you know the difference between guild mages and magic knights?” she asks. 

“Magic knights are a bunch of stiffs,” Cana quickly answers, not giving it much thought. 

Mira laughs. “Yeah… guilds are places for the wayward members of society. A place to find work and family. Can you imagine any of us working a normal job?” 

Cana looks around the guild, taking a good look at each member. There are obvious answers. No job would accept Gray with his stripping habit. Natsu’s penchant for destruction and arson make him a terrible candidate. Evergreen’s too disagreeable. Nab too indecisive, Vijeeter too free spirited, and Bickslow too creepy. 

There are some who could do it. There was little Levy couldn't do if she put her mind to it. Jet and Droy would follow wherever she went, plus they were good at taking instructions. Max had a solid work ethic. Reedus could easily find work as an artist, and of course– Cana looks back at Mira. Mira could do anything. She didn't even take on mage work anymore despite being a guild mage. Cana knew Mira could leave Fairy Tail if she really wanted to. She didn't need the guild. She's grown far larger than it. Cana know that, but… 

“Who'd want to?” she responds. 

“Not me,” Mira replies like she had read Cana's mind. “Poor waywards become mages and rich waywards become knights.” 

“You tryna say we couldn't have been knights?” 

“Not because we’re incapable. I joined Fairy Tail when I was thirteen. I didn't have the money to foot the knight academy tuition. Not that I would've become a knight if I had,” Mira explains. “It’s a hundred thousand jewel fee for a year. It’s not a place for poor little orphans.” 

Thus why poor little orphans gravitated toward guilds. “That’s insane. I don't even have that kind of cash lying around.” 

“That's why most magic knights are heirs or heiresses who don't want to settle down and run their parent’s business yet.” Mira had seen it with her own eyes. She talked to a lot of them. Mira didn't always avoid high society like the plague. She used to galavant among them, happy to be one of the chosen mages. “Erza, it's weird because she grew up with the rest of us, but she has this view of the world…” Mira trails off. 

“Like a fairy tale?” Cana questions. Erza is an outlier among the guild. She dresses up like a knight and makes a big deal about honor. As if mages cared about those sorts of things. 

“Something like that. I just…” Mira pauses, trying to gather her thoughts. “They're not going to like her, Cana. Noblemen, high society, they don't like any of us.” Not even her. 

“Who cares what they like? There's a reason we're mages and not knights, right?” 

“I just don't want Erza to get hurt. A lot of people can't see it but she's sensitive under that armor.” 

Cana chuckles. She guesses Mira has changed because she would never have admitted that a decade ago. Mira reaches over the counter to lightly smack Cana. “I'm serious,” she insists. 

“I know, I know,” Cana responds. 

“Those people… they don't like what they can't control. There are so many rules that you'd never know if you weren't born into it.” Among mages Mira was a graceful swan, among high society she might as well have been a stumbling fawn. 

Cana takes a breath. “Then you're right; they'll hate her.” Fairy Tail has a reputation for their bullheadedness, and Erza is queen of the fairies. Cana shrugs. “What can you do?” 

Mira sighs, “I can just try my best to not to say I told you so.”

[artbytesslyn]

its important to remember that long term chronic pain rewires your brain so even after you find a treatment plan that relieves some or all of that pain, you're still gonna have days where you wanna tear all your hair out.

it might feel like it's for no reason! but its cos your brain has new highways in it and traffic still goes thru there whether it makes sense or not

if you're having a bad day, just let your body have a break. Don't try to rationalize it cos the conclusion you might come to is 'wow even with treatment I'm useless' and that's always bad. If your brain and body are telling you "I Can't Do That Right Now", even if you can't figure out the reason, just listen

[lunarharp]

played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles

[petitepatateuwu]

In some good au, Shadow didn't kill the members of the Jackal Squad, instead beat them up before convincing them to turn on Eggman forces. Infinite, who was being experimented on with the phantom ruby, sees it as a treason, and while his friends try to convince him to leave with them, he snaps at them and, unable to control his powers, kills them all. He then blames Shadow for this because, after all, if he didn't convince the squad to rebel, none of this would've happened. Heck, maybe in the corrupted state he was because of the phantom ruby, he is absolutely certain that Shadow was the one to kill his friends, his mind recreating events that never happened to keep himself from feeling any kind of guilt.

Then, after the war is over and he is severed from the ruby (he doesn't die at the end trust), he realizes how much of an influence it had on him and has to cope with the fact that he ended the lives of the only people that mattered to him. And it's like having to deal with grief all over again.

[floatingonapaintedsky]

I don't know I just find Chronos & Nyx, Nyx & Hypnos, and Nyx & Eris' relationships to be very good examples of how caring about someone or loving them isn't always enough to have a strong relationship with them. Because sometimes the way you approach things and the standards you put in place does more to deteriorate your relationship than it does to support the other person's growth; even when you're doing what you think is in everyone's best interest.

[ahelicoprion]

Okay so I have some thoughts about the end of full moon and more specifically on Blitzø's rant at the end. I already posted a little analysis about how he only knows how to communicate through raw emotion, and I think that his venting is such a clear example of that. I feel like this is the most honest Blitzø has been at least in the last 15 years if not ever, and I can't stop thinking about how hard he's trying to talk openly with Stolas. So spoilers for Full Moon obviously.

*deep breath*

"What? Fuck you, Stolas! You spring this feelings bullshit on me, are you fucking kidding?!"

As we well know, Blitzø has never felt worthy of love. He's always blown up every relationship (sorry for the pun) he's ever been in. Be it romantic, platonic, familial, even in the workplace he struggles. So the few occasions when Stolas has thrown out hints that he might love Blitzø for more than the sex, he's never been able to even process it. Stolas has never given him a clear indication that he feels anything more than horny for him and without any warning he's suddenly confessing his love in the middle of what Blitzø thought was just yet another transactional bang sesh.

"Can I get a fucking minute to think?"

Sure, Blitzø got the chance to have a genuine, in the moment conversation with Fizz, but that was nothing compared to this. He'd had 15 years to process his feelings of regret and he was someone he'd been vulnerable with before, albeit a long time ago. Here, trapped in a huge silent room with Stolas and all of his half-processed feelings that are tangled around so many other problems, Blitzø has no tools for this type of situation.

"After everything you put me through you pompous, rich asshole!"

While it hurts to say, Stolas really has put Blitzø through a lot. Aside from everything I'm gonna mention with the next line, he's hurt Blitzø time and time again. Be it covering his face at Ozzie's, humiliating him on stage at the Harvest Moon Festival, constantly degrading him and reminding him of his 'impish' lower status. It's obvious to the viewer that Stolas does care so deeply for Blitzø and that he's trying to change and atone for all of that, to Blitzø all he's done is give him space for a few months and then suddenly confess his feelings out of nowhere.

"Treat me like one of your little butler imps, you can't just dismiss me like that. I mean you royal fucks think you can do this every time. Like you can just play with our feelings because we're smaller and not as important!"

Okay here we go, diving into probably the biggest problem they have to tackle before they can truly accept love from one another: the class difference. Stolas' palace is crawling with imp servants who are treated as objects by the whole family and Blitzø has seen that. And then there's Blitzø, who is being treated with the respect of a living, breathing, independent-thinking demon but that's about it. He still talks down to him and goes so far as calling him his plaything on several occasions. I don't know exactly how the horns work/feel for imps, but I imagine Blitzø having a cigarette put out on his probably felt degrading at best. To Blitzø, he's providing a service for Stolas in exchange for reward, just like the rest of his servants. They both clearly know how wrong that is, but that dynamic needs to be seriously broken down from both ends before anything could possibly work between them. Blitzø is trying to do that with this line, he's trying so hard to tell Stolas how it made him feel because it hurt him but he wants to fix things.

"Well I'm not letting you, bitch! Let's go!"

Fuuuuuuuck this line hit me so hard. This whole time, he's been venting and yelling and in doing that he's sorting through how he feels. He's being confronted with something so far out of his comfort zone but instead of trying to run or hide like he usually would, he's trying to figure things out because no matter how afraid he is he clearly wants to have this conversation. He's trying to open it up to Stolas after airing out everything he was able to sort through, he's telling him that he wants to have this conversation.

"Stolas wait, I'm s-"

God this is so heartbreaking and I know a lot of people are pissed off about how Full Moon ended, I honestly think that this was perfect writing for each of these characters. Stolas has only ever been talked to in fanciful language, subtle comments, and straight abusive yelling, he doesn't know how to hear anything Blitzø is saying and instead only hears his tone and his harsh words. But Blitzø doesn't know how to communicate any other way and gah this argument/confession/breakup was exactly what they needed to push them forward to actually facing the problems between them rather than tiptoing around them

[antivanlights]

Posting this WIP publicly so I feel peer-pressured to finish it. More info on my Crow!Rook here. Reference used here.

[dee-in-the-box]

(warnings: implied/referenced child murder and death, blood and bruises, implied alcoholism/alcohol abuse (lyrics), self-hatred)

putting this under the cut, just to be safe.

it's some Jack Kennedy Angst. because of course.

"I've really done it this time,

Where's there for me to go?

God damn it, I don't know!

How could I ever know?!"

hey so uh.

anybody ever think of the nonzero chance that Jack was Really Fucking Drunk the night he died?

because i do. Often.

(lyrics are from Audit by WeevilDoing, just slightly altered (original lyrics were "They won't breathe anymore."))

i dunno, the end of the song just makes me think of Jack the night he died.

i'm Very Normal about Jack and Dee, if it wasn't obvious

POV: your baby sister's been missing for 2-3 days ever since her birthday party and you've been beating yourself up over it (it's all your fault), so you decide to go to your job as a nightguard that night to check the cameras and see what happened to her (it's all your fault), only to discover that she got Fucking Murdered while you were gone by your employers (it's all your fault), and then you get fucking killed by an animatronic bunny before you can even get justice for her.

(alt: POV you're Jack Kennedy circa Late June, 1973)

(fun fact when i looked it up: Merlot is a kind of wine grape!)

[ardate]

thank you black metal i love you black metal

[slavhew]

Baby you're a haunted house

[soulchronicity]

And yet, these chains that confine you are of your own design.

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

[floorpancakes]

Are you excited about xxxHOLIC Rei coming back in less than a week?? (Also, a lot of blogs got flagged lately, you can read more about it on the wip blog!)

my answer is yes. but also no. but also im terrified. but also im so fucking excited. but i will be WATCHING CLAMP LIKE A HAWK... lemme explain.

the main run of xxxholic is almost untouchably impressively perfectly good. i change my opinion depending on the day but rou is simultaneously insanely impressive and real as fuck but also where a couple of the endgame decisions really begin to feel like the wrong ones - I fucking LOVE it especially how it portrays barely restrained want and depressive decay with adult characters, but we all know how I feel about how utterly optional and avoidable the kohane thing was (they could've done the exact same non romantic oomf marriage agreement that watanuki inevitably chooses to misconstrue to beat himself up thing w the same effects w hima and it would've been more interesting but we know how much clamp likes to shove teacher student age gap into shit even when it ISNT romantic and they would not fucking do that...) and I don't like that the moral of the story for 99 percent of chapters is 'watanuki fucking suffers with no end in sight and retracts into himself instead of growing from trauma', but also I love tragedy and angst and mental health and mutual situationship metaphors and watanuki in this era is more relatable to me than ever before unfortunately so I hold my mixed feelings but I also enjoy it super super hard for the most part. Pls note that the moral dilemma I have about rou isn't that watanuki is suffering at all, but that he's suffering seemingly with no ...exit??? In sight? Like. We don't have any relief for him in his future, so I guess that's what sours me on some of it as a whole rather than actually abt the media quality itself. Long story I hope this makes sense. We all know how much I love rouposting so I hope it checks out.

So I was already very much a fan when Rei became a thing. I remember watching new stuff come out so I was one of the people 'fooled' in the beginning by the fake reboot setup. I knew something was happening but I wasn't sure what, and the series slowly showing its hand was super interesting. I famously love the ominous chasing hands and the thing with the phone, and imo the STRONGEST part of rei that we found out later is the interactions between characters influenced by their adult selves jumping out (think watanuki clearly leaning in to yuuko's jabs, watanuki taking the wife jokes with way less resistance, watanuki having a more platonic stronger bond with hima, watanuki accidentally slipping into the slutty boss persona then fucking exploding blushing while talking to doumeki LOL, among other things). I find that aspect really interesting and it's something only clamp could do in this specific situation which is rly rly fun. So umm. I guess we knew this would end eventually but when the end of arc was approaching I think I had my first real time groan with the series: yuuko is saying watanuki can choose, and noone will judge, and either choice is ok, he can stay with the people he loves or he can go home to his old life: but is that really true? Perhaps yuuko thinks so, but the way the story shows it to us, watanuki HAS to reply to those hands. There's so many, they're so in need, they need his presence in the universe too badly, they put pressure on him and weigh the decision so it's like 'go into the dream world and get what you want and just let everyone else get fucked up forever', it just feels like. He doesn't really have an option if he wants to not come off like a dick, and that's quite weird to me, it paints him in a weird light if he wants to choose happiness for himself, even if it's a slightly more hollow one. It feels like the sort of thing holic wouldn't typically do since it's a series that likes to play with the idea that choosing things for yourself and your own happiness is a kind of selfishness that's often VERY necessary, especially if you're someone that's hurting and needs their people around them.

....So imagine the look on my face when it turned out all of this was a massive fetch quest for tsubasa reservoir chronicle.

I've never finished tsuba, I read like half of it a year or so ago and unfortunately it hasn't clicked with me yet, and neither have most of the characters. I plan on finishing it eventually and I know it gets juicy in the back half, but I've always had mixed opinions on holitsuba being marketed as a pair, especially when especially on the western side people like both but tsuba is their ACTUAL favourite, or they like both but tsuba gets more attention, or more discussion, or more merch, or more whatever. I'm aware I'm a bit of a hater about it but it's mostly nothing personal and I do really WANT to like it, but they're fundamentally very different kinds of stories and inevitably people will have their preferences or perhaps be more into one than the other yaknow. I'm aware all of my oomfs are tsuba enjoyers. I promise my haterdom isn't that serious. I'm happy for yall.

HOWEVER please imagine me in 2016 reading the chapter when it dropped and you can imagine the worlds biggest crash out of all time. Mind you I'd still feel weird about this even if I loved tsuba to death, and maybe one day I will, but holy fucking SHIT the impact of them weighing all this on watanukis shoulders only to essentially be like 'oh, watanuki got put through ALL of this to grab a Thingamajig for Some Guy (ik he's not just some guy ik the lore but narratively speaking)' . ..... I am sure even if you like tsubasa a lot this is probably a strange fucking thing to do, and this combined with clamp DROPPING THE SERIES FOR LIKE 8 YEARS immediately afterwards...??? I am still fucking baffled by this. It lowkey ruined my trust in clamp forever. What did they mean by this. Why did they think this was a good idea. What the fuck were they cooking ?:?:?:?:

Fun fact: i know there's a small handful of chapters that come after the arc ender. I have not read them since they came out. I barely remember them. I have been avoiding them out of spite. I will re-catch up soon obviously but jesus fucking c hrist 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 clamp you can't just do that to people!!! It makes it look like you hate your characters and your fans!!! Good lord!?

so basically that brings us to the present. I'm super excited, because I love xxxholic and even during Rei the chapter to chapter content was super impressive (my problems are mostly big decisions) but it also makes me think: where do we have to go from here? Where do THEY want to go from here? We've lost almost all of our main characters aside from yokai who brush in and out of watanuki's life and his shop mascot oomfs, watanuki is still depressed, arguably far more now , he has no way out, none of the doumekis have used the egg and we can't see a use for it (in canon at least) where it will even change anything now. There's many directions this could go, but unless they get really gutsy with some deus ex machina (please please please please here's how doumeki could still win please) it's hard to know what they even want to do to round this off or revive it from where it stands.

Unfortunately most of the options I can think of that I think clamp MIGHT do are things I don't really like . I can't tell how much of this is me being overly cautious or if any of this will actually happen but here's some horror stories I have rattling about in my brain that I hope WON'T happen:

- all doumekis are secretly doumeki (i don't like this!! I think they're more interesting as separate people and it would be weird as shit to act like say sayaka x watanuki is the same as shizuka x watanuki. i like the idea that the sameface doesn't mean they're the same kinda people, a la haruka)

- watanuki is secretly clow (please god no. please god no no thank you i don't like that)

- watanuki is egged and just let loose onto the world with no support system (this would be the worst payback for all of his suffering)

- watanuki remains here forever with no hope of seeing anyone of the main cast he loves again (kill)

- im actually someone who prefers yuuko coming back agnosticism to her reincarnating as a random person. i think it's more interesting that way and she wouldn't want him to have to desperately seek her out while crashing out for hundreds of years. she'd want better than that for him even knowing some things are inevitable. so all the yuuko seeking type chapters we've had so far are not of great interest to me. this is actually how I came up with canary from catverse. canary is the endless numb stasis of a life devoted to hunting for yuuko and nothing else regardless of her wishes for him to live a good life.

- idk man. some clamp bullshit

- tsubasa reservoir chronicle fetch quest...2!!

...I don't know what we're gonna get. I don't know what to expect. I am excited and I am nervous and I am dreading it a little bit too. We shall see I guess but the way they left us off with Rei hiatus and the arc ended drove me insane for YEARS OF MY LIFE. so this is how I'm feeling rn. I hope watanuki is freed from his suffering. I hope doumeki, actual doumeki, gets a presence and gets to go crazy go stupid. I hope yuuko gets a presence or non presence that befits her and she's not used as a thing to wrangle around watanuki's suffering to new heights. I hope watanuki gets happiness and progress after at least a hundred years of regression and stasis. I hope they care more about character happiness and the spirit of the story and not trying to connect it to other plots in manga they may or may not prefer and holic doesn't get more weird middle child treatment. I hope we get a w for watanuki and no annoying plot twists that sacrifice character dynamics for drama. I hope doumeki gets a madoka rebellion movie and also we get a whole volume of douwata sex as compensation . I would like to see himawari again and I don't care how. I have lost hope of them doing anything with kohane given how they sidelined her already to limply not quite fulfil the authors obvious fetish. I hope we all get a W for our long wait. I hope watanuki wears more dresses and serves cunt so hard xxxholic goes VIRAL amen

[chaoticsorceress]

At first I thought I was overreacting to the IGN article when it came to Gale but…

It’s a bad thing to just be like “yea having a character off themselves for the world is the right ending” I wish they elaborated more on it. Yes, that ending feels tragic and I even think it’s written well. I don't see it as the right ending. In fact no ending should really be called the right ending because this is a game where players make whatever choices they want to make. They make their own story. 

Maybe if they explained more of it I wouldn’t be like this lol.

And maybe I am thinking too deep on this because these are just opinions but considering WHO they are coming from and how the game treats Gale at times… 

IDK how they are able to talk about Astarion’s own struggles with such care and then turn around and treat Gale like a joke constantly. EVEN within the game? Like it’s fine to joke about the characters but I feel like Gale’s own struggles get minimized so often it makes the jokes feel wrong. 

[deacons-wig]

Gonna bitch about post-viral syndrome after a bout of COVID for a second because its my blog and fuck it. Also COVID isn't over, please mask. Please test. Please stay home if you're not feeling well, even if you're testing negative. I most likely picked up COVID from a friend who didn't tell me their partner was sick before a hangout.

Anyway, I came down sick a month ago and didn't test positive for a few days into being sick. It was Bad. Not hospital bad but bedridden bad. I recovered, but came down with some weird symptoms a few days after feeling better-ish: headache, tingling, extreme fatigue, vertigo and dizziness, horrible brain fog. Two ER visits that were somewhat useful later, we determined I was not having a stroke (yay), I got rush referrals to a neurologist and some other specialists, and we discovered that my liver is being weird for Mysterious Reasons. Getting evaluated for a stoke is frightening because everyone takes you very seriously and they move you through the ER really, really fast. On the up side: really, really fast visits both times.

The neurologist I saw yesterday said I've been experiencing vestibular migraines. I also started to develop an essential tremor and it feels like my right arm and hand are sort of vibrating all the time and its driving me nuts. It's a benign condition that runs in my family so I fully expected to develop one as I got older but under 40 is unusual, and it happened while being sick. I feel like I've aged 10 years in the past month.

There's no telling when of any of this will go away, or what is really happening. I could feel better in the next few weeks. Months. Longer? If I'm not feeling better by the end of August then it's leaning into Long Covid territory. There are so many unknowns right now, but the up side is I'm on leave from work and can be out of bed at home. Leaving the house for more than an hour is exhausting, and I can't have caffeine because it makes me more dizzy.

Also my last living grandparent passed away last week at 98 and I couldn't go to the funeral because I was too weak to take a plane trip, let alone a cross-country one.

Please be considerate and cautious when dealing with COVID. It's not over and it's not "just a cold."