#DAY 4 - 20.07.2023

[roverjamball]

"Why are you so good to me?"

DAY 4 - 20.07.2023

Part I

“If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable”. - Seneca

I opened my eyes and saw Raven standing in a clear space, all the furniture in my loft arranged to one side, her eyes closed. 

Crouched, balanced, allowing the perfect view of her supple butt, her hands held before her, undulating as if bobbing on invisible waves. 

Raven had all but moved in with me, time apart its her mysterious missions made us inseparable when she came back. The tower or my place, we were joined to the hip. It wouldn’t last. Raven was already needed and so was I. 

For now her clothes in my closet, toiletry all over my bathroom counter, college reading material, course work and magical supplies in my study or a special cabinet in my kitchen. A kitchen I very much wanted to make it ours. 

All that could wait. Upcoming missions and assignments or patrols could wait. I was enjoying the NOW.

As I watched, she moved, arms and legs gliding through gentle, circular motions. It was an Azarathian meditation.  A meditative form of exercise, Raven mixed in movements from martial arts she learned from Koriand'r, Troy, others as well, as Grayson’s acrobatics. As she continued her graceful motion, gathering light sweat on her brow, he saw his influence predominant. That brought him no amount of satisfaction. 

Raven wore my T-shirt - the only blue one I had, a pair of my linen pants, the drawstrings tightly knotted around her much more slender waist. They swallowed her, my clothes. She moved with the graceful simplicity of a natural talent honed by practice. I saw her face as she turned this way and that, a few cartwheels thrown in, her expression one of peaceful concentration. 

Deliberate power and control.

Watching her in silence, cataloging my own aches and pains, I realised there were none. That Raven had healed me. 

I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. On one hand, Raven cared for me, couldn’t see my pain, could do something about it, and  did. It was a gift, an act of love. I in turn didn’t want to be the cause of any discomfort for her. I start planing turn about. 

Raven suddenly smiled, her eyes closed but crinkled on the sides.

"Don't let me stop your drooling.”

As if I could stop. My heart would stop first. 

"Why are you so good to me?” Raven had said.

Her voice had been small and sad, like an abandoned kitten awaiting the next hit. Braced for it, not sure where it would land. Somehow, Raven was convinced she didn’t deserve more to life than saving people and keeping herself in check, to protect others. 

I’ll change that, he swore. But then, he’d held her and himself to their bargain. He would be open with her. Let her in, not fret over any monetary anger, irritation or jealousy Raven sensed from him. Raven had been an empath all her life. She deserved total honesty. Not bluntness, but honesty, and he’d make her laugh. That was his mission. 

He opened his mind shields, a bond they shared flared, potent, wondrous in his mind, his feelings saturated the air between them. What he felt as he watched Raven move. What simply looking at her body, longing for her did to him. How profoundly she affected him.

Opening her eyes, she rolled them at me. Her cheeks red, her eyes shining with joy, but hooded with darker things. She was absolutely stunning. I was stunned into speechlessness. 

Moping her glowing face dry, Raven tossed the towel on my table, sensuality in every step, she took towards me. 

“So eager to try again,” she said. Her eyes dark, filling with the same heat I felt racing through my body. Eager didn’t begin to cover it. Restrain myself from waltzing off the bed and dragging her to it. 

Raven laughed. A full husky sound, a promise, and a dare for me to do my worst. I felt it when she let her chains and shields go. Her emotions are lust love and hope, desire, and tenderness. I could feel them all, I believed I’d been challenged. 

***************

Damian found Raven on the roof of Titan Tower. They hadn’t seen much of each other this week. On the very spot she had given him Titus, Raven sat, facing the ocean, her back to him. 

“Do you ever want to let go?”

She nodded. “Yeah.” Pointed to an earthen cup, to her right, halfway full of silver liquid. The sides were stained with a metallic sheen so Raven must have already drunk a bit.  

Damian moved closer and saw beside Raven the same bottle Zachary Zatara brought to Grayson’s barbecue. When had she gotten hold of that? They left together that day so many months ago, and he didn’t remember packing it into the T-car.

 “I don't know the details about what happened, but yeah.“ Raven went on. Her voice furlong. “Kori remembers but she won’t tell. I think she wants so spare me. And every time I let those feelings go, the more I get lost in passion, rage or despair. I gain preternatural strength, let loose, and remove all chains, stronger, more powerful I get. And the worse I feel after." 

She shook her head.  "Sometimes I think it would be easier to just let loose my other half. To stop being human, stop hurting. If it wasn't for the real possibility of absolute destruction …”

"It would turn you into a monster?”

Finishing off the drink from the tumbler, she nodded. The like the world couldn’t even imagine her eyes said. After the battle with Trigon all those years ago it was hard to believe anything worse. 

"But a happy monster?” Damian joked, hoping to cheer her. He released one of her hands to tilt her head back, caressing her ear with his lips. This was not how he hoped their reunion would go. Her helping Jason and the Outlaws was becoming too frequent an occurrence. His brother called her in and she disappeared like she was a part of his Team not a Titan with Damian. 

What happened during her time away? He wished she would trust him. Share with him. Her other half was a part of her and he would love any part that belonged to Raven. His beloved, if she would only show him. Open up to him. Give her time, he told himself. But even as a sense of urgency beseeched him, Damian would take what  Raven was ready to share, as she was right now. 

Raven finished drinking from the bottle, all in one go. One bug long controlled gulp. Bottoms up ! There was a lot of self loathing there. 

“Deamons can’t love.” Her jaw hardened. “They aren’t human. Wouldn’t even have a soul.”

Oh, Raven had a soul. Four eyes or two, her soul was like a shinning beacon. Her soul self was as magnificent, glimmering with a pearly black sheen, mystery and power, compassion rolled into one. 

Taking her hand in his, warm, supple, trembling with emotions, Raven relax a smidgen, giving him a wane half smile. Their connection surging between them, no barriers, Damian showed all Raven was to him. Holding her to him,  barred his memories that went with the emotions, from the moment he saw her, when he called her witch girl, when she healed him after he recklessly provoked Jamie, she assured him that he was the heir to the League of Shadows a murderer, had a kind and generous soul. And when Damian told Raven, in the hell dimension of all places, that home was with Raven.

“"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." ―Robert Frost”

Suddenly, she was gripping him as tightly as he held her. “Please, Damian, be careful.”

Raven was telling him something, her eyes desperate. Saying things her words couldn’t. 

He snorted. Ever worried about others than herself. Healer of souls. No one will ever hurt you Beloved, not as long as I draw breath. 

“No part of you, not a single cell is evil. If the other-you, is a part of you, then it has the same choices you did with your farther in the Hell dimension. Same ones I did, when I faced Grandfather.”

His words were merciless. Raven would appreciate that. Brutal honesty works better at times like this, than generic platitudes. 

Logic and rationality. Raven chose him, and he could only be himself. 

This was the truth as he saw it. 

Raven who could read people, could gauge the truth of his words, not sentimentality, instead his raw unfiltered opinion. Much more impactful. He could see the factual assessment seep in. 

Not yet ready to believe it, Raven’s profile was thoughtful. 

She put down the bottle. And then it stayed there. 

Long after the Robin and his Raven left, it was joined by an ancient, worn out, as if discarded bit of metal. Until it too, vanished. 

*************

days, nay weeks later

Raven didn't need to be an empath to understand that the twist to Klarion's voice was fury, grief, deep seated pain. Lord of Darkness sure, but Chaos for Chaos sake was evil. That was a choice. One she wasn’t sure he wanted to make.

“Ditto, witch boy. You, don't see me trying to destroy the world, just to get even with some stupid asshole. Everyone suffers, especially those who have been kind. Those who are good. Not prefect, but trying nonetheless. It's foolishness.”

Everything around me faded to flimsy transparency. I remained in the nth metal quick-sand physically—I could feel the broken pressure on me—but it was overlaid by a vision of the cavern as it may have existed long ago.

Location unknown, following a magical trail not many could follow. 

Separated from the Night Force. 

Chances of rescue were slim. But more important, once I was incased—and it was coming now; I could feel it, a faint stirring of power that slid along the edges of my magical senses, like some huge and hungry dragon in the darkness — it was going to shut me off from the rest of the world, magically speaking. 

Hold me immobile? More than likely. 

That meant that I wasn’t going have access to any power to use to defend myself, any more than I’d be able to breathe if someone plunged my head underwater.

Fight smarter, not harder, I hear Damian’s voice in my mind. Think it through, he said. 

I did. 

Then I drew in power, being pulled to wherever, they’d not find me unprepared — a lot of power. If there wasn’t going to be any magic available for the taking once I reached the destination of my host’ choosing, I’d just have to bring my own. All I could get my hands on. 

Usually I draw in power only when it’s ready to flow directly out of me again, channeling the energy through my mind and into the action. And only for something big, did I need ambient power. I normally had enough reserve. 

I fuelled up. Gorged. I’d always been scared of myself, my heritage, what unfettered Raven would look like. If I was to survive I’d have to let that fear go.

 Imagine being full, but eating still. Food is fuel. In without ever letting it out. The power, it built up as a pressure behind my eyes. With no outlet, the energy made my body temperature rise rapidly, a few degrees at the least. My muscles and bones screamed with sudden pain while my vision blurred as I was being pulled into  wherever. The unknown. 

I saw red, flickered with spots of black. My other nature close to the surface like never before, but for once helping me, drawing in more ambient magic, shoring up extra reserve as if she was a different person, not just an other part of me. Something to think on later. Right now she was taking the brunt of the pain holding so much power was causing.

Static electricity crackled with every single pull, bright lilac and painfully sharp, until it sounded like I had firecrackers going off in my ears. My head pounded like every New Year’s hangover I’d ever had, all in the same spot, and my lungs felt like the air had turned to acid. I concentrated on keeping my bearings, my wits about me. I was being pulled faster and faster. I stopped fighting the pull. they had me, I was being relied in and from the weakness in my bones, the loss of power, I was nearly there. 

In a last ditch effort I called out to Zach and Alice. And Damian. Of course to Damian. 

But it was too late. 

I was being pulled in. Crushed from all sides. Weak as I lost connection. Surrounded by Nth metal. My other half borrowed deep inside me, creating a vacuuming, holding in as much energy as she could. The insulation was like a barrier between anti-matter and matter. 

Once things settled, I became accustomed to the loss of one of my senses. I realised I’d been here before. If not now or in person, then ethereally. Feeling it was true. There were…sensations to the vision, not just sights. 

I watched as time sped up, as divisions sprang into existence. Statues and stalagmites, formed and deformed. Beings came and went, became blurs, erecting the very structure I was standing in. They carved delicate art into the walls, then painted everything with vibrant colours. Lived, loved and died. 

Why put these carvings, these sigils in this strange place? Time slowed again, and the beings: human , no there were all sorts of native earth creatures, proficient in the ways made something — the construction may have taken days, maybe months — gathered together out front. I joined them. Saw the cavern wall swirl, a light erupted from it and then dimmed. 

A portal. Shimmering blue whereas mine was deep purple.

The swirl of light stabilised. Other-worldly beings issued forth, into the cavern, from elsewhere. Both  People were dressed in symbols of deep and vibrant colours. Elaborate. Ceremonial. Humans wore ancient clothing.  Humanoid creatures of legend wore their recognisable standards. 

If I could focus I’d be able to date this scene playing out before me. The mirage was so real, but for its transparency. 

Could this be some type of first contact? The first time humans met with other-world magical beings? Alien magicians? Or what some civilisations would later call gods? Except our collective wisdom, our records also told me that the Out-Worlders had met with humans in ancient Egypt centuries earlier.

The scarab hieroglyph, for example; Kheper, refers variously to the ideas of existence, manifestation, development, growth, and effectiveness, the beetle itself was a favourite form used for amulets in all periods of Egyptian history. 

The Blue Beetle scarab was attached to Jamie. 

The two groups looked familiar with one another, so their first encounters must have happened earlier. The variety of earthlings made me think that the meeting rotated. Now the humans had built some kind of huge receiving area in these caverns. These cavers that I was at this very moment caught, had held dozens of other magical beings, wasn’t any type of shrine. It was a place where these multi-planets and possibly universe people sat together at tables, before boards, to…

Trying to figure out one another’s occult languages perhaps? Yes, they were writing words, glyphs, and sigils the precursor to runes. They were gesturing, explaining to one another. Magic was an all-encompassing catchphrase, there were so many specialities and subs; cabalistic, shamanistic, sorcery, witchcraft, wizardry, necromancy, enchantment, spell working, incantation [reverse speak used by the Zataras], devilry, divination,  voodoo, hoodoo, sympathetic magic,  charm casting, hex, jinx; mojo, orenda, makutu, sortilege, thaumaturgy, theurgy…..

Time sped up again, and I counted dozens of meetings in a matter of minutes—each time the portal in the cavern wall activated and closed and opened again. I think I even saw some Earth magicians go through the portal. To the Else-where. 

Then…. It all stopped. There was danger. Too dangerous to travel. To meet. For exchange for congress, for community. 

A beast. Was it a metaphysical representation, or an actual real creature? I can’t say, not for certain. Even without Nth metal interference, it would be difficult. 

I saw something in my mind then. An assembly of thousands of magical beings — of a hundred different races — gathering to fight…something dark, something rising from rage and hate, with a set of piercing red eyes.

It…destroyed them, the cavern said. We fought. One and all, We ultimately won. But the price was so high…

Was it something like what was happening now? Was that why Klarion and his posse were gathering people with minor magical talent? Who had joined up willingly and what was the game plan? Were these kidnappers doing bad things for, what was in their minds ‘the right reasons’?

“How?” I asked. “How did you win?”

We made it become non-magical, the cavern sent me. The memories imprinted into it every time people touched it, travelled through its portals, and carved into its surface.  I do not know how. Few survived…and those who did know how…did not. 

Cavern…inscribed memories into the walls, which…were now reaching me somehow? 

A portal. 

My way out?

Time is unnatural here, but the sands are strange even by those standards.

I felt the vision begin to fade. It was coming to the end of its memories.

“Wait,” I send to the cavern. “You can reach me while exposed to nth metal. How?”

Why wouldn’t I be able to? the impression returned.

“Those are the characteristics of nth metal. It blocks magic” I tell it.

Then a different sort of impression came upon me, as had happened during the previous vision. Transparent and ghostly. I understood it better because after spending time here in the almost timeless, I became stronger in my powers, and better at listening. The Cavern helped. It felt like dozens, maybe hundreds, of minds reaching to me from within the histories of the cavern.

Further…they encouraged me. Even further…

They presented for me something like a wall. I forced my mind against it and, and could not get through.

*************

“Oops.” 

There are advantages to training with someone you are close to. Knowing each other's moves makes training more effective. Being involved in each other's personal lives can also make training a lot more painful. As Todd was finding out first-hand.

“Something on your mind lil’ D?” Todd rubbed his jaw. Even gloved I packed quite a punch and even padded, Todd felt it. 

Good. 

“Not really.” I don’t wait for Todd to hold up the padded training pad, taking power from my hip I aim a roundhouse for his ear. 

He jumps back just in time and the kick lands perfectly with a thump. Legs back on the ground, braced, I advance, punching with as much anger and frustration I’d been holding in since we lost contact with Raven. 

In Damian’s experience if something was complicated, more than a little off, then Todd was likely to shoot it just in case. That’s why involving himself in Raven’s magic-related investigation was so out of character. Was there more to their relationship than met the eye? There had never been a hint of anything more than a friendship built on mutual respect. I knew for a fact that Todd liked that crazy strong red-headed Queen of the African Amazons. Who the hell ever heard of such a thing?

If they had used Raven…. That I could not forgive.

The facts were, Raven was missing, after the last ‘lending a helping hand on a thing with the Outlaws’, where for some reason even the magician boy was required, Raven called me to say she’d be delayed. That was more than a month ago. 

He felt a disquiet in her when we last spoke like she was worried and trying to hide it. But that’s what most of my family did, so I didn’t think much of it. Ever sarcastic and compassionate, Raven was mired in contradictions. And it was hardly a conversation to have with magic boy, Todd and Artemis on the other side demanding her attention. 

“Are you all right?”

"Shot," she said. "It'll heal.”

"Did you beat the big bad?”

"They got away," Raven said. She didn’t sound too sad about it so it must have been a near thing. "We stopped an epidemic. Nearly got Roy.”

"Oh," he said quietly. "I'm sorry.” I wished Harper the best, but knowing Raven, she’d heal Harper and any others before taking care of her own healing. 

Raven yelled, instructions they sounded like, but not into the Fone. 

“Off to save the worlds?”

“I am vengeance, I am the night,” she growled, true levity in her voice for the first time in weeks. It soothed my soul and I let the evasiveness go. 

I laughed, letting it pour out of me, Raven saw the true me, I was ridiculous with her, silly.  And I missed it. I missed her. Us. 

She joined me, her laugh more subdued, no less genuine. There was a hysterical quality to it, which I pretended not to hear. I’d not heard my beloved laugh joy for it seemed forever. A pang threw my heart. I wanted to make her happy, but this messed up world we lived in …. And that was it. Radio silence. 

As soon as I’d gotten wind that something was amiss, I’d called her. When she didn’t answer, as was common during missions, I tried to reach out through our bond. And it was as if there was only air, the space the bond occupied in my mind was empty, deserted. Cleared out.

I had to know, was I abandoned or was Raven in trouble? And so I tracked Raven to one of my brother’s safe houses in Gotham. Now his brother, who could see the pain, and panic I was in, wasting his time, fringing ignorance. I could read him like a flashy sigh trying to sell me bullshit. And the worst part was Todd saw I wasn’t fooled, still, he persisted!

Todd's words didn’t give him any inclination, but his eyes said - leave this alone if she wanted you to know, you would know because she would tell you.

* * * *

“What's wrong, Todd? I've never seen you drink that slowly.”

“I just think you'd be better off focused on the Titan thing and forgot the whole "magical" business, 'cause it's not looking pretty.”

“Well, what is it?”

Jason signed. 

I raised an eyebrow. 

“Well, I did the triangulation on that phone -- You know, the one that our hotel-room-torching mystery man Was using? -- And I found it.”

“Well?” Did he need Damian to touter it out off him?

“The thing is, the phone is down at the old Gotham conservatory.”

“Wasn’t the conservatory declared a national park?”

“Yeah.”

“Isn’t it closed? Yeah, for like 20 years.”

“It's just a graffiti magnet. Bored teenagers meet up to drink there.”

“Is that what they're calling it nowadays?” Artemis drawled. 

“And the phone is just sitting there?”

“It's such a setup, D, it's not even a setup, you know? So, what are you gonna do?”

“I'm gonna go down there.  Check it out.”

“Of course you are.”

“Free climbing?” Damian asked. 

“Yeah,” Todd said pulling up a 3-D topographical image with specs like hight, depth, vegetation and weather data. 

For a covert operative, there's often a fine line between hunter and hunted. Letting someone hunt you is just another way of finding out more about them. And this quarry was exempt from my aversion to hunting.  

“Cellphone signal's coming from out here.”

Of course, there's also a fine line between following up intelligence and walking into a trap.

“Doesn't get more exposed than this, does it? You sure you want to do this?”

“ Yeah, I'm sure. Stay at your positions. Cover me as best as you can.”

Hillside Conservatory allowed no cover. On a cliff of a lone hill, I free-climbed to the top. Always two points of contact with the hill, moving from one point of support to the next, slow and methodical. Mussels loose with exertion, my grappling hook tucked into the usual utility belt, climbing chalk in an open pocket. Robin outfit in colours to camouflage me during the climb. 

It behoves a Robin, when walking into a trap, or as I saw it going to retrieve Raven’s upto now unreachable burner, that suddenly popped up on Todd’s Outlaw triangulating software, to bring back up. 

By way of sniper, I had Todd, by way of Amazon I had Artemis and for my flyer I’d called in Victor. Excellent with tech, he outfitted our coms, a meld of organic and tech, untraceable, the size of invisible to the naked eye.

Ready for the really challenging leaps, there were none, it was a routine climb, and twenty minutes later I’d reached the top.

“Check” I say before pulling myself up the cliff face. I didn’t sense anyone, but with so much overgrown bio matter none of our sensors were reliable. 

No cover either, and plenty of foliage if one wanted to stage an ambush, but against gunfire, not so much. An it was night, a glowing full moon night, but night all the same. 

I blinked twice, night vision activated, useless. With so much biomass, thanks to Poison Ivy for turning as already thriving greenhouse into an untamed mess. 

“Check”

“Check”

“Copy.”

 I return to normal vision, relying on moonlight from cloudless sky. It's odd this night, there is plenty of cloud cover over Gotham just a few kilometres away. The hillside is exempt from any clouds and at midnight, the moon overhead spotlights the glass of the hothouse perfectly. Curious. 

“You know your magical herbs, Damian Al Ghul?. It's my "new friend" cigi.” A voice carries in the slight breeze. I can hear the soft thump of heavy glass on damp wood. I turn slightly right, to the old picnic tables that were a part of the botanical gardens. 

“I don’t smoke” is what I said, leaving unsaid that I don’t drink or smoke or anything with scum. I recognise the owner of the voice. The dossier is long and sordid. 

“Okay, well, we both know you checked up on me, and we both know that I have the access you need. I’ve got this communicator don’t I?” He took a drag of this smoke, stubs of smoked cigarettes littered the green of the abandoned hot-house. 

“Really, the only question is whether we can figure out a way to work together.” Dark blue eyes looked at me, I didn’t look away, he was a predator in his own right. About average height with a soft but not pudgy build, before me stood the answer to all my questions. 

“I help you, you help me. So what do you say we make this a take-it-or-leave-it moment?”

“I'm not sure what I'd be taking.” 

I was staling and we both knew it. It was all about Raven with me. With her missing, our bond, her side of it tenuous as best, I was not negotiating from a position of strength.

“A job, for starters. You're perfect for it. Say yes, and I start the ball rolling today, and you’re reunited with .…” he left it open-ended.  

I kept my calm. Face impassive.

“Say no, you'll never hear from me again.”

“No!” Said Victor in my ear. 

I could feel Jason’s indecision from a kilometre away.  Todd was worried about me, and Raven’s disappearance weighed on his conciseness. His Amazon mirrored his emotions as if they also shared some kind of bond.

The man before me raised his brows in question, it was almost as if he detected Cyborg’s com in my ear. That was impossible. I couldn't even feel it. It was all but invisible to the naked eye. When Victor pierced my ear drum, I didn't even feel it.  

“What's the job?” I ask, get as much info out before giving any answer, intelligence gathering basics. Even if I was a wreck, my brain worked on autopilot. 

“I can't give you the details just yet, things to put in place. But it won't offend your Bat-brat sensibilities. Trust me.” That greasy smile if aimed at me another time would have eared anyone a knock-out punch in the head. Today, the way things stood, oh I was going to regret it. 

“So, in or out?”

As a Vigilante, you often have to do things you don't like, for people you don't trust. You don't always get to choose who you do business with. When the devil himself is offering the thing you want most, sometimes you dance with the devil.

I took a deep breath, and walked around the magician, circling him. I’d have to agree, but I would hold out for better terms. 

Constantine suddenly stood at the opposite end of the clearing, facing me. 

“Alright, let us have a demonstration of my bona fides!”

The Magician's right hand moved in a simple outward motion, and the dew over in the green in the clearing suddenly thickened and swirled with colour and light. For a few seconds, the image was hazy. Then it snapped into focus.

I could see a hard rock surface. Carved and chiselled into caverns for habitation. The lack of stalactites and stalagmites was a huge hint. Raven was in a cave system.

Raven was trapped somehow, not only because she was half embedded in the very earth. 

The cavern floor was soft, seemingly malleable. Raven was strong enough in physical strength to slowly crawl out. Without realising the depth of my feelings for Raven, the last year, so afraid to lose her. We’d been over almost every possible avenue of capture, lost in the wilderness, cut off from your power scenario my frightened mind could think up. And my fears were creative and brutal.  

If you don’t wear your breathing apparatus when gassed, having it in your tool belt is less than useless. I had Raven teleport us all over the world, with or without gear. We’d hike, swim, wade, and climb in tough and tougher terrain until I was satisfied with Raven’s preparedness.

[heheohfck]

20.07.2023 (11 PM)

Looking for job ain't easy. Especially when you don't want to work in the field that you got your degree for. Not to mention that my degree is basically worthless: "supply exceeds demand", or "thERE'S TOO MANY FUCKING GRADUATES WITH LITTLE TO NO WORKPLACES FOR THEM!!"

When I was enrolling to the uni, I wanted to study fashion (= clothing) design. But, due to some unfortunate events, I was put in footwear design.

Imagine never in your life being interested in shoes, but having to study it for 4 years, lol, that would be sooo bonkers :))))

Alas, "стерпится-слюбится" [equivalent to english "marry first, and love will follow" or "habit brings liking"] didn't work for me. I'm still not interested in shoes. Not even in the slightest. That why I chose to do my thesis on bags (luckily my specialty allowed it, even though we barely even studied them) - I just couldn't even think about making footwear.

And now I'm here, after 4 years of studying, genuinely considering applying for a job in the art supply store with a $500/month salary. Just because even if wanted to work in my degree's field, I would still be making less ://

------

Also, fun little story: when I was making my resume on the job search site I decided to put english as one of my skills, but the site wanted me to clarify what is my level. After some digging through their FAQ I found what english language school they are working with. So I took an english proficiency test on the ELS's site and my result was... C1, or Advanced. Even though I would never rate my english this high, I still put this result in my resume and took an additional test to verify the level (and successfully verified it. It actually says a lot about their test's difficulty lol).

Later that day I got a call from the ELS (since I had to leave my contact info to get a result). After a couple of minutes talking about my results and why I took their test the call center worker asked me where I studied english. And when I said that I studied it myself, she was REALLY surprised. Like, REALLY. After the call ended it made me laugh a bit.

[roverjamball]

DAY 4 - 20.07.2023

Guardian × Prissoner| God's/Angel & Devil AU "Why are you so good to me?"

Part II

I know now why I did it. And I wonder if Raven even then felt as we confessed to feel now. Before she disappeared that is.   

So Raven was aware of how to escape quicksand. But a malevolent presence hovered over her. And I realised that our connection was dampened by something in the cavern, creating a barrier.  

The vision began to fade. Raven was hanging on and I felt an urgency to go to her. She was alone and diminished in a way that I couldn't comprehend. 

The clearing was the mundane, albeit flowery hillside again. The moon hung lower than before. So the vision must’ve lasted longer than I perceived it had. 

All the desperation and longing came rushing back. Stronger than before now that I’d seen my beloved. 

Of course, that was why the magician had shown me Raven: to manipulate me.

“Yes,” said the Blond Brit's cold voice, pretending to be empty of emotion. The image began to slowly fade away. “It is a true seeing of Raven, as she is even now. I give you my word. No tricks. No deceptions. This is as is.”

I heard the truth of it. I was not magical in the true sense of the word, but I had instincts. I looked through the translucent image to where the Magician waited. 

“No,” a sombre Jason said in my ear. 

Constantine’s eyes were narrowed to glowing blue slits, lit by the red glow of his cigarette. I faced him for a moment. The cold wind gusted over the hilltop and stirred our cloaks. I stared at him, at ancient eyes full of the knowledge of the dark in our world. 

I remembered my imprisonment by Terra. Slade had me embedded into a wall. Immobile. Helpless. I remembered the things they had done to me. But it didn’t look like they had harmed Raven—yet. That could change. 

I knew that neither Raven in the image nor the man on the hill meant anything to Constantine. I knew that if I went forward with his bargain, I would probably end up on the chopping block myself.

Of course, that was why the British Magician had shown me Raven: to manipulate me.

It's not entirely thought. There was a distinction in what was done. Constantine had shown me Raven, in her current situation to make perfectly clear exactly what choice I was about to make. It for sure might influence my decision, but when a stark naked truth stares you in the face . . . shouldn’t it? Was it manipulation if it was with truth and frankness?

It was freeing. This hope it gave me. Showed me what was fighting for. And as I stared at my Beloved’s fading image, my fear vanished. If I wound up like, if that was the price I had to pay to make my daughter safe, so be it.

If I was haunted for the rest of my life because my dearest beloved needed me to make hard choices, so be it.

“Make your choice. I may need you too but I haven’t got all day.”

This was war I thought, and required hard choices.

“I'm in.” 

That greasy ‘trust me’ smile again, I gritted my teeth, my face a mask of disinterest, and my contact turned into a mirage, then disappeared before my very eyes. 

“Be in touch,” words flustered in the wind. I was once again left standing in the Gotham national park, alone. Unless you count Todd, Artemis and Victor spaced with line of sight about a kilometre away. 

Just this one job and I’ll be closer to finding Raven. If one faithless English magician could be trusted.

*

“I’m going to make sure you’ll be safe.” He knew how arrogant he sounded, but he was telling her what he believed to be true. He would kill anyone who tried to hurt her.

****

How much longer was it going to take for them to hear any news? Hope was all he had and as every second dwindled by, he lost more and more of it