#GOVE ME IDEAS

[ann0ingg3mila]

WHAT HAIR DO I GIVE 07 PLZ IVE BEEN STRUGGLING FOR WEEKS POSSIBLY MONTHS TO MAKE HIS HAIR I NEED IDEAS FOR THIS MAN PLZ I BEG *SOBS*

[magnesiumxp]

poops

[adoresia]

Sorry ate your pinned it was tasty tho

(but being fr what the hell happened to your pinned)

GIVE IT BACK 🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

It's far too early in the morning for me to be awake rn, but imagine a post-canon happily ever AU for John and Arthur, where Arthur gets John like, a teddy bear or something to fidget with and keep him company while Arthur sleeps

[void-of-unparalleled-chaos]

I expect y'all to be in my inbox reminding me about this on the 31st!

Make sure you specify if you want a trick or a treat!

i think we should go trick or treating on tumblr on halloween. going to send asks saying ‘trick or treat’

[whats-she-gonna-post-next]

Reading angst-y fics is something like: No, baby, my little blorbo, you deserve so much better 🥺🥺🥺

And sometimes it just: JESUS CHRIST MAN PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER AND GO GET HELP, PLEASE I PROMISE YOU WILL BE OK!

And I love both of them.

[ashi-cookie]

need someone knock me out with a shovel. i think that will help.

[magpiecaranthir]

I think that Caranthir making his own realm after the 1st age is a bit comparable to Imladris. Elrond basically noped out of the entire war thing until it cannot be avoided (Imladris is literally called the last homely house). Also, Elrond is hiding Imladris to a certain degree - if you really wanna go there, you need to know someone who knows the way. That is something Caranthir would steal too.

I see the vision. I agree. But I raise you: elrond copies Caranthir.

I cant see Caranthir traipse around middle earth until like 1600sth of the Second age without a set base, esp if he has with him the loyal feanorians who didnt go West. He'd have his realm halfway built by the end of 400 S.A. bc noldor are nothing if not efficient (see himlad, thargelion, hithlum, gondolin, himring etc all properly established within like 3 centuries with varying sizes).

And poor Elrond as herald to gil galad has to go on the odd political merry making to ensure that, you know, mr moody murderer isnt up for murdering again. So he goes to Caranthir's realm and is like wait hidden realm kinda sexy concept.

But he's under gil until eregion falls for whatever reason (if only Caranthir survived 1st age as a non-hermit, then its obv nobody would guard the gap of rohan against sauron walking through) then he still goes to the valley and is like oh that's a sexy place for a sexy hidden realm

He denies it, of course. Caranthir knows better. The only reason hes somewhat fine with it is because Elrond is not an arafinwean, but a nolofinwean. The latter arent as shitty in his opinion. (That opinion plummets when he marries mrs finarfins granddaughter celebrian. Elrond could have done better, says Caranthir.)

[kotikaleo]

PEARL IS HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

GO GOVE ALL THE LOVE TO AWESOME PEOPLE WHO MADE @pearlescentzine !!!

I am so incredibly proud of this, this is legit my best work ever done and I am so happy I gotr a chanse to be part of this zine!

I will ramble a bit about organization, because I am very passionate about it!

I like how in the begging all the themes were devided by three categories each having more popular and less popular. that was an important step for the rest of the topic asigment!

We had to make up the idea for each bracket, even if in the end we end up being drawing only for the one - so thee in total. i knew taht i couldn't submit ideas for Hermitcraft s10 and 9 and 8 and be done - that's a very popular series, i had to choose less popular ones. Which cause d me to watch more of Pearl, which is cool!!!

So as a result I found moments I really liked in less popular series and watched more pearl! And had in general more interesting brain storm!

And as a result the zine itself looks diverse which is cool!

I also really like the timelines. It was just the right amout of time for me to manage zine and my work so that is +1 into mod's karma uwu

ALSO I FOUND FRIENDS!!!!!! MY SILLY GOOBERS!!!!

Anyway awesome experience, 11/10, hope you organize some other stuff I will be very interested 👀

[nothomegal]

ITS CHRISTMAS EVE (or at least where I live bc timezones) and I would like to gove Pyramid Head smoochies under mistletoe pls 😌

Aww I was having this idea too! And since it's Christmas allow me to bless you with a drawing!...

...And a lilttle one-shot!

"Mistletoe"

(Pyramid Head x GN Reader)

Warning: suggestive implications by the end, but mostly fluff!

Word Count: 1k

Christmas was always a funny holiday for (Y/N). Either because they never truly felt connected to it or because they haven't felt the 'magic of Christmas' since childhood. Don't get me wrong, they would still put some decorations when they could, but ever since they came to Silent Hill such tradition was lost.

Not like they mind it too much though, they already have the absolute best gift and company they could ever ask for! Just tell me, who in their right mind would be upset about having a nearly 8ft tall demi-god creature as your forever partner? You have to be chronically insane to turn down such blessing!

And speaking of the creature, (Y/N)'s daydream was interrupted when a large hand curled around their arm and stopped them. They shoot a curious glance to their lover, who was already looking at whatever got his attention.

Right above them, placed on the old metallic door frame with, what they suppose is duct tape, were hangign a bunch of oddly shaped pieces of paper. Some pieces where green, others painted green, and all of them where kept together with a piece of damaged red cloth that was tied as a bow.

(Y/N) stares at that weird construction with furrowed brows, really trying to grasp what the hell they're looking at. Pyra was still as well, but his head tilted towards his human as he curiously observes their reaction. Seems like they too have no clue what is this-.

However, (Y/N) manages to make out the shape of it and instantly burst out laughing.

—"No way! No way someone actually made one!"— you say between laughs.

The beast simply observes them, letting out a low wondering rumble. Is that another pointless joke humans have? (Y/N) is laughing hard so it must be something very funny or very stupid.

After the laughter had ceased, (Y/N) takes a look at their monster and suddenly remember what he wanted in the first place. Oh, right. They were supposed to explain what is that.

—"Okay, okay."— you say between giggles as you point at the object. —"That thing over there is supposed to be a mistletoe. Remember when I told you about Christmas and how people decorate that one fuzzy tree? Well, this thing is also kinda a Christmas tradition. People hang it somewhere high and when two step or pass underneath it, they have to kiss."—

While (Y/N) explains, Pyra listens to them carefully. But the second they mention the kiss part, the air between them shifts and becomes... Odd. And Pyra himself still, way too still.

(Y/N) of course feels the change, and is quick to start clarifying.

—"But of course, it's optional. It's not like you're forced to kiss anyone. If anything, I never did! So I suppose this will remain as a silly tradition some-"—

Their speech is replaced by a tiny gasp when the monster suddenly grabs their jaw, gently lifting and moving their gaze where he needed. Their eyes narrow slightly when they noticed a tongue peek out from his helmet and slowly, almost shily, wiggle towards their face.

—"Aww. What a polite guy."— you chuckle as a little blush creeps on your cheeks. —"Well of course I'll give you a kiss."—

Ever since they introduced this new method of showing affection, it wasn't rare to witness Pyra ask for a 'kiss' once or twice. It's kinda funny to see how shy he gets, always taking it slow and giving them enough time to stop or pull away. Do they do that? Nuh-uh! Do they think it feels gross? Weird, yes. But (Y/N) is deranged so it's fine.

The pink muscle soon presses against their lips, and they respond by giving it a kiss while holding it in place gently, totally unbothered by its wet and slippery texture. They could feel Pyra practically melt into the gesture, he does it every time. It's small, but is the closest they can get to an actual kiss, and the intimacy and specialness of it seems to get the beast to his very core.

After some second, when (Y/N) attempts to lean back, a pair of big arms gets a hold around them, cementing them in place completely and pulling them closer to the monster. The said beast lets out a low menacing growl as his tongue licks their cheek and part of the jaw. The message was clear...

M̵̞͔̥̏̌̊o̷͕͒̓͑ͅŗ̷̭̝̓̾e̵̠̤͓̅̒̋.

He wanted more.

Despite the apparentaly hostile growls, (Y/N) showed no intimidation and simply chuckled as they roll their eyes.

—"Someone is feeling frisky, huh?"—

Another, and a bit louder, growl resonated from inside the beast's helmet. His grip around them tightening and the tongue sliding along their lips, almost begging for them to kiss it again.

—"Calm down tiger. We both know if we continue you'll get too carried on."— you coo, sliding one of your hands along one side of his helmet.

He groans with certain displeasure, but his grip soon losens as he slightly tilts his head into their touch, yet he doesn't let go neither.

—"If you're really feeling like doing it then let's go somewhere else. You don't want anyone to see me naked, don't you?"—

This time their answer is no longuer a growl or a sound, but the same pair of big hands lighting their form up and swinging over a broad shoulder.

Before starting to walk however, the monster reaches up and snatches the little paper mistletoe. (Y/N) of course notices that and can't hold back the little laugh.

—"Well well, see you really liked this particular tradition."—

They get no response as the monster resumes his walking. But the small squeeze on one of their thighs was enough proof to know that they got it right and it won't be the last time the see the little item.

After this little interaction, and probably after what's about to come, (Y/N) doubts to ever be able to feel that magic of Christmas again.

However, they realize that they still experienced something new. The magic of the mistletoe.

Is that an actual thing? Who knows.

But it worked on Pyra so it must be a thing, right?

It worked well after all.

...Too well.

[pooks]

He had no idea why he took in the boys as his own, really. He didn't gove himself any moment to hesitate; it was a decision he made in a second and a real man always stands by his word.

After all, he had given up one of his legs to make sure the two boys could survive longer on the food he gave them. But of course, he hadn't counted that the little red-headed brat would be a self-sacrifical idiot and eat lesser to make sure his little brother got fed.

It wasn't until they were past 70 days on the damned rock when the boy suddenly fell ill.

'You stupid brat! Don't you see that your death does nothing but hurting your brother?' Zeff scolded the child in his mind. Even if he'd say it with words, the boy wouldn't hear him as he kept drifting in and out of consciousness.

There was something the boy had said. One thing that raised the first red flag.

"...y'think...i'll see Mama once I'm gone? A sinner like me...shouldn't go to heaven...like she did."

Sinner. The boy called himself a sinner. From the first time he met him on the restaurant ship, the redheaded boy had fought fiercly, defended his little brother, jumped overboard to save him, sacrificed his share of the food for him, collected morning dew for him...and he called himself a sinner?

Zeff later learned the boy's name was Ichiji.

One o'clock.

The sun was high on the skies when they were saved by a ship.

---

They sure didn't look like it, but apparently they were born on the same day. The tomato-haired boy was twenty minutes older than the eggplant.

"Are you twins or something?" One of the cooks at the Baratie had once asked.

Ichiji took a good three seconds before he answered. "...yes." He simply said before he turned on his heels and continued to passing up the tables, fullfilling his role as the little waiter.

The tomato boy smiled less than the eggplant, there was something haunting in his eyes, he never talked more than necessary and he did his chores without a single complaint.

Sanji's temper was like fire, but Ichiji...was like ice.

However, he had only eyes for his little brother. Everytime Sanji nagged about the All Blue and shone brighter than the sun, Ichiji looked at his baby brother with a soft gaze and a slight smile on his usually cold expression. His permanent frown seemed to have washed away...until he was called back to work.

It was alarming to see that kind of behavior in a child; Ichiji had built walls around himself to protect himself. He didn't trust anyone, that message was clear and he only loved one person in the world; Sanji, his little brother and his other half.

The first time Zeff ever saw that smile aimed at him was when he made spicy seafood pasta for the boys' birthday, celebrating them becoming 11 years old.

"It's really delicious." Ichiji smiled.

Apparently Red-Leg Zeff have two sons now.

Ichiji and Sanji. A tomato can and an eggplant.

[crushedsweets]

ADVENTIRE TIME AU GOVE ME IDEAS BEFORE I CLOCK OIT OF WORK OMG

[icantthinkofanameillgetattached]

take: WordGirl was and is still an extremely versatile and idea-open show, which is why it's cancellation was such a tragedy.

This show is, in my opinion, one of PBS' bests and was still such a big sandbox for idea, like the diverse villians, Becky's extreme power, and her still being a kid. If S2N had the right funding, or enough attention from PBS, it is very possible that the show would still be able to make new for at least the next few years, especially consider how much its staff liked working on the show. I feel like WordGirl is one of the shows that could benefit a lot from reboot, unlike others. Another reason was that Rhyme and Reason gave me a slight empty feeling in my stomach, while being a good episode. Had it been focused on more of the cast we know and love, or Becky goving up her title as WordGirl one and for all, it would feel like a proper ending. I feel like a lot of people wanting the show to be given a proper series stemmed from Rhyme and Reason. I feel like what WordGirl needs, is just another few episodes/a season with an ending that has to do more with all the characters giving one last goodbye to the show and not just Becky and Violet. Though, there probably are reasons why a continuation/reboot for the show hasnt been done, but I'll still cling onto the hope of some mention of any new WG content due to PBS Kids still having WordGirl on their streaming app unlike completely abandoning it like other shows. In conclusion, I think WordGirl has so many plots and themes it can use but feel short due to Soup2Nuts' bankruptcy.

Tell me what you think, I'd love to hear what others think.

[dark-elf-writes]

Omg, demigod Wangxian in the PJO verse w/ reincarnation thrown in is absolutely perfect

The Jiang siblings are definitely demigods of the Greek variety. Perhaps children of Demeter to really contrast Wuxian

(Jin Zixuan is also definitely a child of Aphrodite too me thinks)

ALSO WUXIAN ABD NICO BEING SOBLINGS. IM CRYING. GOVE THOSE TWO BLOOD FAMILY. AND THEN ADD HAZEL TO THE MIX????? I love them your honor

It would be very funny if Wei Wuxian (and understandable tbh considering he would be a Big Three kid living with two other demigod children like a monster buffet) was at camp before Percy but wasn’t claimed until after.

(Hades knows how hard life was for his children in particular and as much as he tried not to put another child of his into this situation.. Wei Changze and Cangse Sanren were a whirlwind that he couldn’t help but allow himself to be pulled into. It aches not to claim his sunshine bright son, aches to see that piece of them wait day after day for a sign, but he knows his brothers. And while Poseidon might not act against Wei Ying directly Zeus would have no such qualms after Thalia… or before Thalia of Nico and Bianca were any indication.)

But the thing is everyone knows.

Wei Wuxian is talking to ghosts. He’s accidentally raising animal skeletons when he’s scared. He has split the ground open arguing with Jiang Cheng more than once. He is very vocal about how unfair he thinks it is that all the gods don’t have cabins particularly considering Hera who will never have a demigod child does. He seems to fully disappear into shadows whenever someone isn’t looking closely enough at him.

There is not a single person at Camp Halfblood that doesn’t know who Wei Wuxian’s dad is.. other than perhaps Wei Wuxian himself.

But the idea of the chaos that Wei Wuxian getting claimed literally the second the trident over Percy’s head fades is so fucking funny I can’t stop laughing.

(They get sent on the quest together because there’s no one Hades trusts more to find his helm than his own son… which has the added consequence of his own son sassing him to his face in his own home.)

The Jiangs being children of Demeter is so funny too becuase that sets up the most fucked up family drama of all time on multiple fronts. Demeter will never let this go. Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian having issues serves as a mirror thousands of years in the making. Yanli is the only one to break the cycle and she will drag her brothers after her kicking and screaming if she has to.

(Zixuan is absolutely a child of Aphrodite and is also there before Guangyao and its T E N S E. Like the “dads affair child #27473727” isn’t enough but also having he same mom? They are more closely related than most people at camp halfblood and are walking on eggshells around each other constantly.)

WEI WUXIAN WOULD BE SUCH A GOOD BIG-LITTLE BROTHER TO NICO AND BIANCA OKAY

Their dynamic would be so messed up based Ont he whole ���one was born like 70 years later but is still older” thing but god would Wei Wuxian try his hardest.

(It’s not enough, he’s forced to realize when Bianca comes to camp already sworn to another goddess and Nico looks so adrift after having the only constant in his life abandon him at the first possible chance. Wei Wuxian tries to be there but he can’t get close to Bianca with the other hunters around and there’s no place for him and Nico even if their dad were to claim his little-big brother which after seeing Wuxian still shoved into Hermes cabin and looked at like he’s the devil incarnate by half the camp years after being claimed he won’t. He can’t offer the full stability that Nico needs and Nico himself doesn’t want to let anyone else close enough to hurt him understandably so. And by the time Wei Wuxian is finally making progress Percy comes back with a figurine and shadows in his eyes and Bianca is gone gone gone and Nico runs faster than even Wei Wuxian can find him and everything so wrong.

He wonders why this hopeless feeling of grief and failure feels so familiar.)

[snonkerdoodlefizzy221b]

Ooh that's good

Hey tg fandom what do you guys think of a marching band au

I just thought of this because I'm at a marching band comp rn and thought "what if the pilots were band kids" /silly

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

When are you able to tell that emotional abuse is mutual (perpetuated by both sides)? I do the same things to my mother that she does to me (implicitly threatening physical abuse by moving closer, starting arguments with her, calling her demeaning names, ect). She said that I was emotionally abusing her, and that terrified me. I only act that way around her, but I really don't want to ever act that way. I know that I start the majority of the arguments. Where's the line between a fight response to emotional abuse, reactive abuse, and just abusing someone? How do I stop acting like this? (I'm over 18 for context, by the way).

Oh man, anon this sounds really tough, and I understand how scary it can be to find yourself trying to break these kinds of cycles.

You're gonna get an answer that isn't necessarily actionable for you yet, but I'll do my best:

It will not be helpful for you to try and figure out "when the emotional abuse is mutual" because ultimately that's not really how emotional abuse works. Instead you need to be able to have a conversation with yourself about form and function. *why* are you and your mom both leaning on these kinds of interactions and behaviors? What behaviors and interactions would you prefer to lean on and why? What do you need to get there.

I have no doubt that some of the choices you end up making can be hurtful or harmful to others, because that's true of everyone, but the idea of mutual abuse comes from the nuance that unreasonable behavior can BE reasonable under certain circumstances, not from an honest truth about victims and survivors being blamed for their own history of abuse.

For what it's worth, we cannot learn what we have never been taught, and one of the biggest "hurt people will hurt people" outcomes in abuse is that people don't learn how to regulate their own emotions. A personal disclosure for the sake of example:

My wife and I both come from households where emotional and ohysical abuse was common, and where the avoidance of acknowledging this truth led to SEVERE alcoholism on the part of our parents. Addiction is often the outcome of feeling totally unable to endure your life safely, and both my wife and I understood that our parents loved us, but lacked the emotional skills to stop inflicting their fear and pain on us. We tried to help them, cut them off, reunified, set boundaries, and a million other things, but ultimately these are our parents. We cannot force them to get help.

But what about ourselves? What about five years in when we started fighting, and fights turned into screaming and throwing things? What about the day I moved too suddenly in an argument and my wife legitimately believed for a moment I was going to hit her? What about the way we would say our cruelest feelings to each other before finding out what they meant? What could we do about that?

The answer has been....complicated. I've been in therapy my whole life, and that will likely never change due to my lifelong severe and disabling symptoms, regardless of trauma. So for a while I tried to "fix myself". That helped, but not enough, and it made me painfully aware of what I needed to be different in my life without actually goving me the skills to change it. We tried family therapy, and that helped a lot! We started to learn more about how to talk to each other about things. Our therapist kept trying to get me to understand how much control I was trying to have over our life though, and that wasn't super tolerable at the time because I felt so helpless to intentionally seek an outcome at all times, plus therapy is expensive and we couldn't really afford to meet with our therapist as often as we needed to.

But this year has been different. We definitely had some fights early on, but no one really even raised their voice. *once* I started getting aggro, then stopped myself and said "I can't keep talking about this right now and still be kind" and I just. Walked away. Went upstairs for a few hours. Came back when that wasn't true and I'd done some journaling to better understand what I needed. Once, wifey started blocking doorways while trying to restart a conflict convo, but when I pointed it out she was able to go "that wasn't intentional/conscious choice on my part I was trying to get your attention" and I was able to say "yes, I understand, but how did you choose to get my attention" and she got a little pale for a second and agreed "yeah, I stood in front of your walking path and blocked it, I'm really sorry."

Like. We will probably always have fuck ups or overwhelm moments. Just last night I got snippy because I was getting overstimulated really suddenly and couldn't steady out, and wifey was visibly hurt by how I was talking to her and I didn't WANT to apologize I wanted to be like "this isn't about you but you're helping!!!!" And then I took a deep breathe and said "I'm sorry, I'm being mean, this isn't at you, but still" and wifey felt better! Because I acknowledged I was lashing out a bit. And she offered to snuggle while I listened to my headphones for a bit, and what do you know, I felt WAAAY better in like 20min. From that point on we were laughing and smiling and having a blast.

I'll be real, learning a lot of the skills it has taken to get here felt really fucking painful. When you have been abused, your abuser's framework of the world (filtered through all the cruelty they feel from the world, all the hurt and humiliation they carry about themselves and others, etc) is inflicted on you like a cage. At first you might fight the cage, try and break out of it. But after a while you stop even really thinking about it. You don't walk far enough across it to run into the bars anymore and maybe you even convince yourself it's not there anymore. Maybe you really do start to dismantle it, but all you get is room to lean out of the cage, grab something you need, and retreat back into it. The bulk of the cage remains, gnarled and sharp and broken in the mind, wounding you again every time you stumble into it. And it can be hard to realize how different the world really looks and feels once that stops being true.

I want to encourage you to put boundaries and physical space to facilitate those boundaries between you and your mom for a while, maybe even get the fuck out of that house if you can. But see if you are able to be a different person with others. What is different about those others but also about YOU in those moments such that you're able to act and feel differently?

I also want to encourage you to start becoming really aware of your breathing. It sounds like a nothing skill, but the thing is, hyperventilation and short sharp breaths can make our agitation worse, and those of us with trauma histories often experience physiological constriction secondary to our ANS dysregulation, often bad enough to physically restrict our breath. It is WILD gow much easier it is to keep calm under pressure when you don't immediately get so tense you can barely breathe. I started by just noticing and counting my breath, and what I realized is that I never breathe more then like 2-3secs in and out, which is WAAAY too short. So my first goal was box breathing. In through the nose for 4 count, hold for 4 count, out through the mouth for 4, hold for 4, repeat. This gradually forced my body to learn how to breathe normally again. Once that pattern was even comfortable to do (it took months to be able to inhale for more than 2secs without pain) I started just using it EVERY time I noticed ny breath. Usually my breath was tight, but the more I did it the less often that was true. My breathing is still often constricted, but no where near as badly, and it's often a little easier now for me to have the thought "nothing productive can happen until I calm down" and then ACT on it.

Now I can't control other people. My wife has been GREAT about trying to grow with me here. My mother? She still barely tolerates me walking through this stuff with her if I couch it entirely in "I'm worried about YOU" and make myself and my hurt invisible in the conversation. This means that if I ever get too close to accountability with her, she gets angry and lashes out. But good news! I've been doing this with her for about 4 yrs now, and last year she started apologizing to me, unprompted, when she has recognized that happened. She has literally never in my life done this. During a family reintegration session she had once fully told the therapist "I think if you apologize to children, you teach them to disrespect adults" and the therapist looked at her and said "that is one of the most cruel things I've ever heard a parent say about their child". So this is growth! Is it enough???? Who knows. But I'm in my 30s and haven't lived with my mother since my 17th birthday, and only talk to her for like 2hrs a month at most now. So like. Her role in my life is now such that this is tolerable for me actually. Some of that (very little of that) is due to actual growth on her part. Mostly, it's me. I'm safer in my life, I have more effective (for me) boundaries with the people I choose to make room for. I know how to walk away from things that are escalating. I know how to wind through "the feelings that come first that are tainted by trauma and rage and betrayal" to "the feelings that indicate a need or want going unmet" to "how to communicate those feelings to others in a way that actually conveys useful meaning".

It can sound, when I say this stuff, like I'm blaming myself for what my mother has done. But quite the opposite. It was HER JOB to raise me, care for me, and TEACH ME THESE SKILLS. If she lacked them, parenting classes, therapy, peer support, and so many other things were available to her. Were all of them actually functional? No, but plenty were and I know this for a fact. When I was in high school, I finally started making friends. My mother has ALWAYS been closer with the emotionally abusive parent of one friend than to the 3 other parents involved in those kids lives who knew how to have healthy conversations with their kids. One friend, with two parents who loved each other well, loved their kids well, and loved me well, my mother barely ever talked to these people. Mrs L never said a bad word about my mom, but she also never let me hear a bad word said about me in her home, even if my mom was the one saying it. She would just quietly and gently redirect the conversation and subtly give me a reason to leave the room.

It is notable to me that my mother saw this and became upset about what I must be saying to Mrs. L rather than noticing how well the other woman was parenting me and learning from it. Mrs L would NEVER have shamed her for it, I know that, but my mother was too ashamed to even admit to herself she was failing to be an appropriate parent. That is HER FAILURE, not mine. I was a fucking child.

But I'm not now. And if I blame her forever for how I act to others in my life, than I really AM doing the same thing as her. Because it's not the yelling or the lashing out! Everyone does that! I've learned that it really is true everyone has bad days like that! But most people understand they still need to curcle back, apologize, and repair any harm caused by their venting. I can learn how to do that too, even if it sometimes feels like there's something wrong with me for needing to. That feeling is the shame creeping back in and I already know that shame is a paralytic for me here.

One day, anon, you will have the chance to learn these skills and to make the little changes in your environment that help you start to access your autonomy again. When that happens, you will be able to start deciding how you value acting or reacting at any given time. The changes will smow ball, and you will wake one day realizing you no longer experience the bulk of your life as an attack or assault. Things will relax. Improve. Stabilize. And reorient a little at a time forever.

In the meantime, just remember that nothing is forever, including this relationship with your mom.