#Gottman Method

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Being in relationship limbo is hard. For most of us, ultimately untenable. It’s understandable to want to bale when you and your partner are always fighting over seemingly insignificant issues, like what to have for dinner or where to park the car. Equally painful, is the throbbing ache of loneliness that arises in a relationship devoid of conflict that simultaneously lacks connection. A marriage where you’re living parallel lives and sex and affection are a distant memory.

But discerning whether or not your marriage is over can be challenging – and we know that the degree of crisis your relationship is in is not a predictor of its potential to rebound and improve. Furthermore, the decision to end a relationship, especially when you have children, should never be taken lightly. Children form deep and enduring emotional bonds that connect them to significant family members across time and space, and ruptures in these relationships can have a substantial and lasting impact on them, informing who and how they love in the years to come.

If you are struggling with knowing how to proceed in your marriage, there are beacons along the way to help you discern where your relationship falls in regards to hope, potential, or crisis. Telltale signs that can assist you in determining whether it’s time to end your relationship or give it one final try.

The Cusp of Catastrophe Sometimes we arrive at that moment in our marriage when we realize we’ve done all we can with diligence and have to give serious thought to the ending of our relationship. We feel we’ve brought our best self forward and believe we’ve reached an impasse. A place from which we can go no further – where we require specific changes that we can’t skimp on. These are deal-breakers that necessitate drawing a line in the sand. At the very least, arriving at this stance requires that we stop pretending things are okay (they’re not). At most, it calls on us to make one of the hardest decisions in life and determine whether or not to call it quits.

This can happen subtly. The months and years leading up to this moment often reach a tipping point. John Gottman, world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, refers to this juncture by citing what mathematicians call “the cusp of catastrophe.” It’s a qualitative state arrived at by the slow and subtle accumulation of stress and increased complexities. A threshold of urgency that once crossed, can result in coming undone. Think the straw that broke the camel’s back – the cap left off of the toothpaste. What’s important to note about catastrophe is that while it can feel sudden and dramatic, it comes on gradually, almost invisibly.

If you find yourself at a crossroads, it’s essential to remember that if you don’t stand by your guiding principles now, then your guiding principles don’t genuinely exist. The challenge of being on the brink is in finding a delicate balance between maintaining firm boundaries and a soft heart, even when dealing with game-changers like betrayal, rage, and separation.

Lack of Mutuality in the Relationship

Stan Tatkin, the founder of PACT, A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, states that in order to thrive, a relationship must operate as a two-person system. Meaning you make room for your partner’s thoughts and feelings, and they make room for yours – you give each other equal regard. Relationships that tend towards being one-directional do not prioritize the we, and instead, one partner’s agenda and mood dominates the culture of the couple. A lack of mutuality can happen for all sorts of reasons. It may be that one of you is more passive, does not speak up, or is guilty of enabling a rather expansive or dominant spouse. In such scenarios, it’s important to remember that the fault doesn’t lie solely with the partner who tends toward being overbearing. And that regardless of whose fault it is, a lack of power-sharing in a relationship spells trouble over time. It breeds resentment and is fodder for negative sentiment to accrue.

Not Accepting Influence According to Gottman, one of the most significant predictors of divorce is the tendency not to accept influence. When one (or both) members of a couple undervalue their partner’s needs and feelings and simultaneously overvalue their own. In my opinion, this goes hand and hand with a lack of mutuality since when we don’t allow our partners to inform us (or vice versa), we reside in a relationship where equality does not exist. There is no co-creation of shared principles, values, and dreams. The relationship is not fair and just. If this resonates with you and you find yourself with a partner who does not validate you and is running the show, there’s a good chance that you’re playing a part in this dynamic as well.

Failure to Keep Agreements As I discussed in my previous blog, To Couples Who Risk Love in the New Year, our relationships are at their best when we adhere to a binding set of agreed-upon principles. A contract. Many of us go into marriage with assumptions regarding fidelity, sex, finances, and domesticity; this is not the same as co-creating agreements. That said, we also begin relationships primarily in good faith, and deceit and betrayals do happen – sometimes in overt ways and sometimes subtly over time. When deception occurs, it is often accompanied by a lack of accountability and repair. Such lack of trust does not just concern broken agreements; it concerns hopelessness in the relationship’s potential to heal from such breaches.

Over time, the erosion of trust is a significant indicator that your relationship needs help and cannot regenerate when there are wounds. Depending on the extent of the damage, it may also be a sign that your marriage is over.

Bad Memories The way you remember your relationship – the stories of how you met, chose each other, and what kept you together; these are some of the most significant predictors of whether or not your relationship is nearing its end. Gottman calls this the “story-of-us,” and he has determined quite conclusively in his research that bad memories are a hallmark of marriages nearing their expiration date. It turns out our memories are not static narratives based on fact, they are malleable and shape-shifting. The story of your first date, as told by the 26-year-old, you is likely different from the one you might tell now. When trust erodes, and negative sentiment override ensues, our memories get rewritten, and not for the better.

Before you throw in the towel and decide to proceed with ending your relationship, please know there are a few caveats.

If you have not given couples therapy a fair shake, I recommend you do so. Families and relationships take years to build, and once you are on the divorce treadmill, it’s hard to get off. Most couples in crisis cannot see the forest for the trees and do not appreciate how dramatically helpful couples therapy or a private couples therapy retreat can be, even for couples on the brink of divorce.

Additionally, if you haven’t worked on your self via individual therapy and addressed personal triggers, issues, and past traumas, you’re likely to miss the ways you’ve contributed to the demise of your relationship. And, you may very well replicate the same scenario and set of problems with someone else should you jump ship prematurely and find yourself in the arms of another.

Lastly, let’s not forget that the reality of divorce and breaking up can be excruciating; this is the reason divorce is cited only second to death as a significant life stressor. In between separation and the reorganization of your family into two households, there will be weeks/months, maybe even a few years of tumult and grief. You will miss holidays and vacations with your children, experience financial stressors otherwise avoided, and find no easy answers.

That said, calling it quits is sometimes necessary. There are choices in life that don’t afford us 100% positive outcomes (arguably many). Sometimes life is a byproduct of death versus the other way around, and in choosing a particular heartbreak, we avert another less preferential one.

Either way, make sure you have left no stone unturned and know that the ending of a relationship, when dealt with thoughtfully, can be an opportunity for significant growth and change to happen.

Thanks for reading and take good care of your heart.

Warmly, Kerry

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Building Lasting Love: The Gottman Method and Psychologist Affrica King's Approach to Couples Therapy

The Gottman Method, created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is a well-known method of couples counselling. This research-based strategy is used by professional psychologist Affrica King to assist couples in strengthening their bonds and bringing about long-lasting, constructive transformation.

Here is a look at the Gottman Method's main elements and how Affrica King applies them to her work:

Assessment: The Gottman Method starts with a comprehensive evaluation of the relationship between the couple. This involves learning about their background, points of strength, and trouble spots. Affrica King employs a variety of evaluation methods and tools to acquire a thorough insight of the dynamics of the relationship and to customize the therapy accordingly.

Building Intimacy and Friendship: The Gottman Method places a strong emphasis on the value of cultivating intimacy and friendship in a relationship. Couples can improve their emotional connection, communication, and shared experiences with the help of Africa King. To restore and build the relationship's friendship base, this entails cultivating liking, appreciation, and affection.

Conflict Management: Effective conflict management is a crucial component of the Gottman Method. African King assists couples in learning constructive conflict management techniques, such as enhancing communication, increasing understanding, and coming to amicable agreements. Couples receive training in conflict resolution and constructive conflict management.

Conflict Resolution: A crucial component of the Gottman Method is effective conflict resolution. Through improved communication, the promotion of understanding, and the discovery of amicable solutions, Affrica King assists couples in learning healthy conflict management techniques. Couples are taught methods for defusing arguments and handling disagreements in a healthy way.

Shared Meaning: The Gottman Method is focused on assisting couples in developing a sense of shared meaning and purpose for their union. Affrica King helps couples establish and work towards a shared vision for their future together by facilitating discussions on fundamental values, objectives, and aspirations.

Building Trust and Commitment: For a relationship to be successful, both trust and commitment are essential. African King assists couples in reestablishing their trust, getting over the past, and building a solid base of dedication and commitment.

Building skills: The Gottman Method gives couples useful tools and skills to improve their union. African King teaches how to have productive conversations, how to listen intently, and how to convey needs and wants.

Affrica King offers couples a helpful and productive counselling experience by fusing her training as a psychologist with the principles of the Gottman Method. She assists couples in developing better connections, resolving disputes, and fostering a happier and more rewarding relationship by combining research-based strategies with individualised coaching.

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Love and ADHD

If you or your partner has ADHD, you may be experiencing an extra layer of challenge. With 8.1% of American adults diagnosed with ADHD, it’s no surprise that relationships can take a hit. Whether you are the person with ADHD or love someone who has the diagnosis, ADHD affects you both in profound, understandable, and treatable ways.

ADHD is a brain difference that makes it difficult to remember important details or tasks, get and stay organized, manage time, maintain focus, and follow through fully. While people experience different symptoms, intense feelings, and reactions are a common thread for many. These symptoms impact not only the person with ADHD but also the person who loves them.

While some claim that ADHD is overdiagnosed in children, it is widely assumed to be underdiagnosed in adults. Diagnosis of this common disorder has been refined a lot since we were kids, so many of us adults were never diagnosed as children. That means that adults with undiagnosed ADHD are struggling with its symptoms – and have their whole lives – but don’t know any different. So they assume this is just how life (and love) go for them.

This painful reality means that having ADHD (whether you know it or not) – or loving someone who has it – can leave you feeling entirely helpless. The combination of resentment from the non-ADHD partner and shame in the person with ADHD can (understandably) result in fearing your relationship is beyond repair.

It can be overwhelming to know where to start when the symptoms of ADHD are present in your relationship. The good news is that plenty can be done to help shift you out of your well-worn patterns of hurt and frustration together. And it begins with awareness of how ADHD affects your relationship.

Common Patterns in Relationships with ADHD

Think about ADHD as a house on fire. One of you is stuck inside it. There is smoke everywhere, and it’s hard to see what’s in front of you – or find your way out (despite wanting to). Your partner is circling round the house with hoses and sirens. Both of you are fatigued, at times, even desperate. One of you carries the ADHD around internally and has to deal with it every moment, the other lives in reaction to ADHD. It’s not always apparent to the person with the hose that their partner may be struggling and is doing their best.

Naming ADHD for what it is (a common challenge that you’re both navigating) will help normalize your dilemma and realign you as a team with a common goal. Remember, ADHD affects both of you and leads to predictable patterns.

If you’re a person with ADHD, it is common to feel anxious and worried about missing things. To be hurt for being criticized by your partner about what you do or how you do it. To experience irritation about being continuously nagged to get things done, and generally not accepted for who you are. Many people feel like a child to their non-ADHD partner’s “parenting.”

If you’re the non-ADHD partner, you likely feel hurt and let down that your partner forgets things that are important to you or that you have discussed. You are often overwhelmed by the amount of work left on your plate that you can’t count on your partner to reliably help you with. You may also be prone to become irritated by your partner’s intense emotions that seem to come out of nowhere. Feeling frustrated that the same patterns keep repeating themselves.

ADHD is a perpetual difference

Consider that being a couple navigating the symptoms of ADHD is simply one of the differences between you. John Gottman has found that there are really only two kinds of problems in relationships – those that are solvable and those that are perpetual. Perpetual differences, as they sound, are likely never to go away. They’re the repeated fights that leave you feeling stuck in gridlock – same argument different day.

The good news is – ALL couples have perpetual differences. Every single one. The difference between happy and seemingly harmonious couples and those that are gridlocked and resentful is this: happy couples talk about their perpetual differences – even laugh about them. They focus on attunement and stay away from the 4 Horsemen (more on that in a moment). They prioritize repairing quickly when things go array.

For you, ADHD is your perpetual difference. It doesn’t have to sink you, but you do have to bring your most skillful self to the table to talk about your hurts and frustrations so that your partner can truly hear you and not feel attacked. And, even with your best skills, your partner may become defensive and upset. This is when couples therapy with a therapist who understands ADHD in relationships is a loving choice to support you in mutually refining your approach to difficult conversations.

Navigating perpetual differences requires a lot of patience and reaching for deep understanding. This understanding works both ways – how does having ADHD affect your partner? What are their struggles and strengths that come from ADHD? On the other hand, how does your ADHD affect your partner? How are they likely to react when your ADHD impacts them?

Fighting for win/win: Gottman’s 4 Horsemen

One of the hardest skills to master in relationships is steering clear of what John Gottman calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. As dramatic as it sounds, the 4 Horsemen are just a set of behaviors (that all couples display), including criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. When left unchecked, Gottman’s research links them to disconnection and marital demise. Learning to recognize which four horsemen dominate in your conflicts will afford you clues to the anecdotes for treating the intensity of gridlock you’re stuck in.

Frequently, one common conflict cycle in ADHD couples looks like this: the ADHD partner forgets to do something which leads the Non-ADHD partner to be critical of the ADHD partner, who, in turn, responds with defensiveness.

This dynamic can escalate, leaving both of you feeling misunderstood and not heard, and it breeds contempt. Contempt is the most damaging of the 4 Horsemen and the most insidious. At its core is a belief (often held internally) that your partner is more at fault, or fundamentally more flawed than you are. Sulphuric acid for love and insidious in its nature, contempt, over time, breeds resentment, and a higher likelihood of divorce.

Finally, as fights escalate and one of you gets really angry, the other begins to stonewall. A person who is stonewalling is shut down, shutting their partner and the argument out of their mind. They may even leave the room mid-argument. The need to manage physiological overwhelm is understandable and real. Unfortunately, it often terrifies or infuriates the person on the receiving end. It never contributes to repair or moving forward. Long term, it erodes at trust.

ADHD couples need to practice the antidotes to the 4 Horsemen to shift away from some of the tension: instead of criticizing, complain from a regulated place; instead of responding defensively, find something in what your partner is saying that you can genuinely take responsibility for and validate them; instead of resorting to contempt, create a relational culture of fondness and admiration; and as an alternative to stonewalling, learn and practice tools for self-regulation in the service of increasing your window of tolerance for hanging out with the tough stuff.

Gottman’s research confirms the most important rule for successful conflict is to remember that you are fighting for win/win. If you aim for win/lose (I have to win this argument, you are wrong, and I am right) – the relationship will lose. Using the antidotes to the 4 horsemen will set you on the right path.

Restoring Trust

Untreated ADHD in relationships often leads to ruptured trust. Trust is built from attunement, follow-through, respect, and responsiveness. If you have ADHD, each of these brings its challenges. For example, distractibility can make it challenging to hear your partner and follow through on agreements. Emotional swings and sensitivity can lead to saying hurtful things or not understanding the meaning behind your partner’s complaints – their needs. Regardless of good intentions, follow-through can be difficult when impulsivity or time management issues result in impulsively changing focus.

Shame often lurks just below the surface in people with ADHD. Deep, painful feelings of “I am bad, defective, worthless” may remain unspoken and run rampant internally. Inherent in shame is a fear of disconnection, and so, we hide. The tricky thing about shame is that when it is not spoken and shared, it grows.

Bringing your shame to the light in your relationship is the first step to restoring trust. This means talking about your experience with ADHD and shame with your partner. It will help your non-ADHD partner to understand what you are contending with – they likely don’t know the depth of how challenging every day can be for you. Equally important is hearing them out – delicately avoiding becoming defensive for how your ADHD affects them so that you can understand their side of the experience. Bringing self-compassion and empathy to the table will go far.

Navigating love and ADHD is anything but easy. By using the abundant tools and resources available, including couples therapy, if needed, you’ll experience the gains from your efforts. Increased intimacy, diminished heartache, and in time, a relationship that not only endures but thrives.

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Tips for Marriage Longevity in Your Golden Years

Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel once said, "None of us are married to just one person in our lives, even if we only marry one person." For those who have been married 40 years and beyond, this saying undoubtedly rings true. As partners change and grow, good marriages evolve.

We live in a culture that is richly informed by romantic concepts. However, the truth is that marriage is hard for even the most committed partners. We increasingly rely on our spouses to play a vast number of roles in our lives: friend, lover, co-parent and financial partner.

Playing all these roles is a lot to navigate and virtually guarantees that you will not only hit bumps but also some craters along the way. When two people with separate histories come together, there will be periods where the best thing you can hope for is to find a way to coexist and a maintain a neutral stance towards one and other.

However, over time and with work, you and your spouse can grow together and even thrive. Science and relationship studies provide critical features of the roadmap that points to long-term success.

In the name of science and in honor of all those marriages that have surpassed the 40-year-mark and beyond, here are five tips for lasting success so that you can enjoy the different phases of evolution together. It is never too early to make use of them, even if you have just started your relationship’s journey.

1. Avoid The Comparison Level Alternatives Phenomenon

John Gottman, a recognized leader in the field of marital distress, first coined the phrase “comparison level alternatives” to describe the pattern in which we compare our life circumstances with an alternative, imagined scenario in the outside world.

For example, it’s quite normal to ask yourself questions like, “Am I happy in my career, or would I enjoy following a different path?” or “Am I really made for a life in the suburbs?” or“Should I consider a move to the city?”

When a marriage starts going on the rocks, however, you or your spouse might entertain more damaging comparisons or even enter into a marriage crisis.

You might say to yourself, "If I was married to so and so I’d be happier," or "If I had picked a different person, my life would be less lonely,” or, "Maybe if I were alone, my life would be better."

Research shows that comparison level alternatives are dangerous and potentially devastating to a marriage. They often manifest themselves in absorption of fantasies of freedom or can lead to emotional and physical affairs. Avoid this insidious line of thinking at all costs.

When things get hard, try saying to yourself, “Part of being in a relationship is navigating troubled times, and I could be just as unhappy in another relationship. It might look different, but there would be difficulty and conflict all the same.” More simply, you could remind yourself of the truism “out of the frying pan, into the fire.”

Instead of entertaining fantasies about some alternative life that doesn’t exist, choose your primary partner; committing to them in every way repeatedly. Spiritually. Emotionally. Mentally. Choose your spouse, again and again.

2. Adopt a Commitment Mindset

Committed spouses lean more towards realism than romanticism during challenging phases, and maintain an awareness that their needs will go unmet a certain percentage of time in the relationship. When asked for the secret behind her successful marriage to George Harrison, Olivia Harrison said, “It’s simple. Just don’t get divorced.”

A successful long-term marriage requires a bit of abandon. You must give up the notion that your spouse will make you feel completely satisfied all of the time. Refuse to view your role in the relationship as contingent on how your spouse makes you feel.

This is a type of mindset that manifests itself — not in a declaration of wedding vows — but in the way you show up for your spouse in the everyday, often mundane areas of life. There is something about an unwavering commitment that makes all other burdens easier to bear, and obstacles easier to surmount.

If you do allow your commitment to waver, on the other hand, you are more prone to abandoning the relationship when it goes through a period of not meeting your needs. Whether you do this physically, mentally or emotionally, you stop showing up in any meaningful way.

Instead, you start searching for the proverbial “Exit” sign.

3. Build Your Relationship “Love Map” (& Continuously Redraw the Lines)

There is immense value in teaching your partner who you are and what makes you feel loved in return.

As humans, we can’t read one another’s minds. However, it’s vital to know what works for both of you and to act on that knowledge repeatedly. Otherwise, you can be building a self-centered marriage, instead of a functional relationship.

The philosophy of love languages--that your partner feels loved in particular ways and you should find those ways--goes part of the distance. But when they don’t see your specific love language and don’t speak it to you, a generosity of spirit can go just as far. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt is an important stance when they may be too distracted to love you in the way you want.

During the first 3-5 years of a marriage, you are just developing this understanding and building your love maps — a concept originally developed by John Gottman to describe the process of getting to know your partner’s world intimately.

Ask yourself, what’s happening in your spouse’s world? What’s important to them? What makes their heart sing and/or sink? What romantic gestures do they long for, and how often do you satisfy those longings?

These love map questions are not answered once and for all. Partners headed for a golden anniversary will continue to ask them, revising their maps as they go, adding nuance at every opportunity. A successful relationship is partly based on continued attention.

4. Avoid Turning to “Thirds” to Avoid Conflict

While we all need to talk about our problems from time to time, it’s important to be selective in what you say, to whom and how often.

In the world of couples therapy, involving others in your marital problems is what we call turning to “thirds.” It’s when you choose to talk to another about your relationship woes instead of your significant other.

Why is this an issue?

Well, for starters, it creates an immediate ripple effect. All of a sudden, you may have a one-sided jury of people who are rooting for you and will take your side no matter what (even if they shouldn’t). Your “jury” is hearing only one perspective of the issue and may align with you on partial evidence. They are likely to give you a level of confidence in the validity of your view that maybe you shouldn’t have.

Another dangerous aspect of turning to “thirds” is the clear conflict avoidance it displays. Whether from a lack of trust or one’s family of origin, some people are just more conflict-averse than others. However, avoidance never solves the most profound problems in a marriage and may exacerbate the issues.

Bringing your complaints to friends and family on a regular basis, no matter how well-intentioned they may be, can poison the well.

5. Support Your Partner in the Hard Times

Couples who have been married for decades have experienced many seasons of life together: births, graduations, deaths of family members, career moves and financial highs and lows.

With everything life can throw your way, it’s important to have someone by your side to hold your hand and share in the ups and downs.

Caring for yourself includes caring for your partner, knowing that their health and well being supports your own. However, if you have a partner who has not cared for you well, (or even become more of a burden than a benefit), your trust in them may wane. Once the retirement years approach or age starts to take its toll, the stakes for marriage become even higher.

You don’t want to wind up wondering, "Wow, for the next 10, 15 or 20 years, I could be physically compromised. How well is my spouse going to support me through this time?”

The patterns of support you have experienced throughout your marriage will inform how you answer that question. Was your spouse there for you when you had a C-section or your shoulder operation? Were they there for you when you were laid-off from your job or lost your father unexpectedly?

If you have felt abandoned or neglected throughout your marriage, you will have an appreciable amount of trepidation concerning how much support you will receive as you age. And the same may go for your spouse.

One or both of you might be more inclined to say, “Life is short, and I have less of it left. I want to make the next 10 years count.”

This is especially true for if one spouse has worn the hat of caretaker throughout your marriage. They will likely experience burnout. So, if one or both of you are diagnosed with a chronic illness, it just might be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

In old age, things don’t necessarily become easier. So, pay attention to how you support your spouse now and make every effort to acknowledge the ways you might have missed the mark in the past. This is a step to doing it better in the future.

A marriage that lasts decades requires a committed mindset. It asks each spouse to give equal regard to the others’ thoughts, opinions, and values. And, as you age, it will necessitate even deeper levels of trust and support.

If you and your spouse need a little help adapting to this new stage of your marriage or want to find new ways to approach conflict, our couples therapists have over 100 collective years of experience treating couples and spouses.

From the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy, we apply science-based methodologies to our marriage therapy.

We offer weekly therapy and private, intensive 2-Day and 3-Day couples retreats as well as new extended hours and a growing team of couples therapists to meet increasing demand for expert, research-based couples therapy.

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For most couples, the path to marriage is the same. You meet, you spend time getting to know each other, and you fall in love. You discover life could not exist without your partner, so you get married. After marriage, masks are removed. You discover the true nature of the person you walked down the aisle with: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Perhaps you were aware of some of their faults during the courtship. Yet, you accepted them as they were. Maybe you even thought that they would change, or that you could change them.

Every couple enters marriage with the illusion of bliss. From the time a couple first says “I do” and checks into their honeymoon suite, the plans for their future are formed. Then, dreams are unfolded, and life happily-ever-after begins. But no couple ever considers that they could fall victim to a codependent marriage.

What is Codependency?

Every marriage will have struggles. From mortgages to who left the milk out, married life is not without conflict. Your marriage will be no different. What matters is how you handle that conflict.

Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute states, “Conflict is inevitable.” He goes on to encourage couples saying, “It can be a way that couples get closer to each other if they can understand each other more fully. It is a mechanism for learning how to love each other better.” This is determined by how you handle conflict.

Dr. Gottman asks, Do you:

Turn toward? – Sit down and discuss it rationally?

Turn away? – Ignore it, bottle it up, or sweep it under the rug?

Turn against? – Explode and call out the fault displayed?

“Turn away” conflict can create a lopsided marriage. When one person commits an offense, the other smiles and takes it. They can internalize it and even feel guilty. When these individuals continue this cycle, they end up in a codependent marriage.

Within a codependent marriage, one partner has extreme emotional or physical needs, and the other partner is willing to do whatever it takes to meet those needs. The codependent is so in love, and they want that love reciprocated. Out of fear of rejection, they do what they feel is necessary to keep the love and attention of their partner. This can become disastrous when the other partner is involved in self-destructive behavior, including substance abuse.

How Does Codependency Affect a Marriage?

In many cases, codependency doesn’t suddenly begin with courtship or marriage. This trait is often learned through the growing up process. Since a child's adult behavior will be the byproduct of life experiences, he or she must grow up with positive influences. When a child is privy to relational negativity, they will continue these bad habits because they think it’s normal life. The same applies to codependency.

If a child sees one parent bowing to every need of the other, then that child will be more likely to view those behaviors as necessary to keep a romantic relationship alive. This pattern can be manifested in a few distinct ways: low self-esteem, the loss of boundaries between right and wrong, and an unhealthy obsession with the relationship.

Low Self-Esteem – When someone feels they are unworthy, any affection they receive is like water on dry soil; it immediately soaks in. Doing whatever they need to keep the water flowing, even if the process hurts.  Living off the other’s opinions, allowing them to define their self-worth. But soothing words only last so long. The soil will dry up, and negative feelings will resurface until the next affirmation comes along.

Loss of Boundaries – The desire to please others removes boundaries regarding what is acceptable behavior. The codependent often defends their partner’s behavior, allowing them to say and do things that not only harms themselves but harms the relationships around them. They avoid saying ‘no’ to their spouse at all cost, fearing it would make them unhappy.

Honesty is another factor that affects the codependent. When they are afraid of offending their partner, they tend to lie and deny that there is a problem, just to keep the peace.

Obsessiveness – The need to always keep their partner happy can become obsessive. In fact, they will get upset with anyone who throws that balance off. Their obsession is the other person. They want their acceptance, need their approval, and are terrified of losing it. So, they will often do what it takes to keep their spouse engaged in the relationship. Even if it means giving in to their destructive habits.

How Substance Abuse Affects the Behaviors of a Codependent Partner

When one partner has a substance abuse problem, this only increases the codependency. The codependent spouse can act out of fear, habit, or even worse, pity. They might want to help their spouse, but sometimes the thing they do is the very thing their spouse doesn’t need. Caretaking is enabling. Silence is acceptance. But to the codependent, the consequences of saying something is too much of a price to pay. So, they often continue permitting the habit, acting in ways that are centered around keeping the peace.

Codependent fear exists on different levels:

Fear of rejection by the partner.

Fear of failing the partner.

Fear of what could happen if you don’t live up to the expectations.

Through these fears, the codependent’s submission continues. They live in a constant state of negativity and amplified fear, as if they are walking on eggshells, always trying to help but never sure if it is what their spouse wants.

Dr. Gottman says of a negative outlook, “They can distort reality and even see positive things as potential put-downs.” He also says that with that negative perspective you will “fail to see 50 percent of the positive things the other partner is doing.” Even when a codependent spouse is trying to do good, their partner may not notice. Or worse, they may misinterpret it as something negative.

Finally, there is the fear of losing the relationship if the situation is resolved. The codependent might feel their spouse or partner will not need them anymore and leave.

Actions out of Habit – Just like driving on the right side of the road, we do things repeatedly because they have become habits. It would seem abnormal to do things any other way. This is also something that is learned young. If you have a habit of keeping your mouth shut at a parental scolding, you will most likely keep your mouth shut with the scolding from a spouse.

Additionally, just as we saw our parents argue, or how they made, up, we will behave the same way with our spouses. The cycle continues in what we think we should do, and without any correction from an outside source, we perpetuate the behaviors we have learned.

Clinician and couples therapy thought leader Dr. Stan Tatkin reminds us that, “We all come [to the relationship] with our fair share of unresolved painful experiences from relationships.” These issues become ingrained in who we are. And will determine how we react to conflict with our current partner. These habits can evolve into codependent habits.

Whether we know it or not, we tend to view the people we engage with through the lens of the past. Tatkin calls the areas of our brain that have assimilated such behavior “primitives.” They act out of habit, based on personal experiences. Codependency can very well reflect those primitives in action.

Actions out of Pity – The excuses the codependent uses to justify their partner’s actions can sound pretty defensive:

What can I do? They don’t know any better. Their dad drank or their mom was an addict. They need me to help them. If I’m not there, things would be worse. I am able to make excuses to their boss, their friends, their family for why they are acting that way. If I don’t, they would be jobless, friendless, and family would keep their distance.

But it is important to remember the chasm between pity and love. Love is about respect. You cannot respect someone you pity. Just a sorrowful ache that a codependent tries to make up for through attempts to hide their spouse’s shortcomings. Covering up becomes a habit, then helping becomes an addiction in itself. The codependent partner can become so dependent on their spouse that defending them has become their identity.

Ways to Deal with Substance Abuse in a Codependent Marriage

When a marriage falls into codependence, the codependent partner becomes an enabler to the abusive habits. While they may genuinely want to help, their codependence becomes an addiction of its own. This traps both in a cycle that can only be broken by getting help. Not just for the substance abuse, but for the codependency.

First, admit There is a Problem

To begin the road to recovery, you must admit there is a problem. Just as the partner with the substance abuse issue is reluctant to admit they have a problem; the Codependent partner shares the same reluctance to accept they have a problem. Unfortunately, the Codependent may be standing in the way of the abusing partner overcoming their issues. Their enabling habits never give the abusing partner the opportunity to get out of their destructive patterns.

Then, Stop Enabling

Once both spouses realize that they are in too deep and need help, they can begin the road to recovery. The next step is to stop the process from continuing. This is probably the toughest step. It begins with setting firm boundaries. The codependent needs to stop enabling their spouse. And on the opposite end, the spouse with the addiction needs to quit their abusive behavior that feeds the addiction of the enabler.

Next, Seek Professional Help

Seeking help is never easy. It means airing your laundry outside the confines of your home. Seeking substance abuse help is just the beginning. A codependent habit can be just as challenging to overcome. They should also undergo some form of treatment for their codependency.

Follow-up

You can admit there is a problem, set boundaries, and seek professional help, but you must always continue to move forward. It is never one and done. It is never a completed task. It is a minute-by-minute, day-by-day process.

Final Thoughts

Even when you gain a grasp of the situation, continue the new healthy habits you and your spouse have learned. Eventually, it becomes easier. It is a long process, but one worth fighting for. The ability to repair the broken relationship will strengthen your marriage. As Dr. Gottman says in his Making Relationships Work seminar, “Every relationship experiences conflict and periods of alienation. The difference between the Masters and the Disasters is they’re able to repair.”

While codependency gives the appearance of a happy marriage, it is based on pretenses. It is always a fragile relationship. Yes, there may be peace, but the tiniest spark can set the whole thing ablaze. All it takes is for someone to go too far, then happiness quickly dissolves, and animosity takes its place.

Admit there is a problem, get help, and keep at it. Don’t give up on your spouse.

Understand that there will be setbacks; substance abuse is not easy to overcome. Neither is a codependency issue. But together you can work on repairing your relationship and living the life that you envisioned from day one.

If you are having trouble coping with codependency or a host of other possible marriage challenges, reaching out to a licensed couples therapist might be the way to go.

From the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy to the PACT model, we apply science-based methodologies to every couples retreat or couples therapy weekend we offer. We also offer weekly sessions for those who can't find time to break away during the week.

Like what you’ve read? Sign up to receive my musings filled with heart, concrete tools, and cutting edge resources via my blog: Loving Well.

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Gottman Method Couples Therapy

Why the Gottman Method?

Gottman Method Couples Therapy combines the knowledge and wisdom of over 40 years of research and clinical practice with more than 3,000 couples. This research shows us what actually works to help couples achieve a long-term healthy relationship.

Proven in Practice

The Gottman Method is structured and goal-oriented. Gottman interventions and exercises help couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection, and intimacy in their relationships.

Gottman helps couples:

increase respect, affection, and closeness

break through and resolve conflict when they feel stuck

generate greater understanding between partners

keep conflict discussions calm

Achievable Outcomes

Research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other’s hopes for the future. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have shown how couples can accomplish this by paying attention to what they call the Sound Relationship House, or the seven components of healthy coupleships.

Build Love Maps: During couples therapy, this is where we start so that each partner can learn and know their partner’s inner psychological world, his or her worries, stresses, joys and dreams.

Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. Couples learn that to strengthen fondness and admiration, they need to express appreciation and respect.

Turn Towards: State your needs, be aware of bids and turn towards them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of your relationship.

The Positive Perspective: The presence of positive affect in problem-solving discussions and the success of repair attempts.

Manage Conflict: We use the term “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects. Couples learn to understand the critical difference in handling perpetual problems and solvable problems.

Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her dreams, values, convictions and aspirations.

Create Shared Meaning: Understand important dreams, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship.

“The Gottman Method is a model that’s to the point and hits home with everyday couples. More importantly, it results in change.”

Reach out to us to schedule an appointment.

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Northampton Couples Therapy

Ongoing Support to Reach Relationship Goals

Knowledge

At the heart of our work is the Gottman Relationship Assessment, a comprehensive tool that looks at all of the facets of your marriage, your struggles, and your strengths. With it we’ll create a customized roadmap that is catered to your relationship’s unique needs and circumstances, giving you the knowledge and insights necessary to find your way back to each other.

Skills

You’ll gain real-life tools and skills that you can begin using immediately. And with your new skills, your conversations and communication will become meaningful, even when discussing “tough stuff”. You’ll find that you agree more often, work together, and get on the same page about your goals much faster.

Fun

Relationships can’t be all work, there has to be an emphasis on positivity too, so while it may sound hard to believe, you’ll also spend some time on the fun stuff. Part of the reward of doing couples therapy is that once trust and connection are solid, you can devote time to cultivating a sense of joy and intimacy with each other, to falling in love again.

Mastery

And you’ll become the experts of your relationship. We want you to know what we know. How to use cutting-edge research to connect, heal, play and love well. We’ll support you in becoming masters of your marriage, and we believe you can do it, we see it every day.

At NCCT, whether you attend couples therapy or a private couples retreat, you can expect to have predictable positive outcomes and gains.

Evidence-Based Couples Therapy Can Save Your Marriage

Many people widely accept couples therapy as a healthy, beneficial resource that maintains relationships in a good place for years. Most of our clients come here openly and willingly, knowing they’re taking action to create lasting, positive change. That said, a few clients unfamiliar to couples therapy have concerns, and we’d like to address those.

Some people, express concern that couples therapy might agitate things. After all, talking about problems can feel challenging to say the least. Especially when your relationship’s stuck in gridlock, or, when something extremely painful has transpired between you, like an affair or breach of trust.

We are committed to ensuring your therapy is reparative and healing.

You can expect to have conversations that emphasize productive communication, compassion, and empathy, and in doing so, cultivate the skills you need to succeed on your own.

Occasionally, one partner may be hesitant to attend couples counseling. They may be reluctant because they’re scared – perhaps they need your support more now than ever but feel they can’t ask for it.

We often see couples where one person initiates the therapy process, and they go on to thrive, equally invested in their partnership and dreams.

A few clients have asked us if seeking couples therapy indicates that their relationship might be broken or unfixable. We want to make it clear that nothing could be further from the truth.

Seeking couples therapy is a sign of health. Sadly, only 19% of couples seek help – and of those that do, couples therapy has an 85% success rate. In other words, the majority of couples who attend evidence-based couples therapy regain a happy, healthy relationship, with resources and tools to help them maintain it for years to come.

All relationships go through tough times, and all relationships have the potential to grow and benefit from the gains that marriage counseling offers.

Gain science-backed knowledge in all things Love. Learn what makes relationships succeed, what makes them fail, and (most importantly) how this applies to your relationship.

Couples Counseling Specialties

Every couple is unique and has a different set of circumstances. Within the work of couples counseling, or couples therapy, we have developed particular sub-specialties, based on what we know about these shared experiences and challenges. Your couples therapist will look at all of the different facets of your relationship, including any circumstances that are unique to you. Additionally, we’ll help you develop strategies for building understanding and for taking action where applicable.

Couples Therapy Areas of Specialization at NCCT include:

infidelity

marital crisis

LGBTQ relationships

trauma and relationships

ADHD and relationships

addiction and mental health issues

transitioning to parenthood

parenting through tough times

couples on the brink of separation or divorce

intimacy and desire

stepfamilies

bi-racial families

premarital counseling

dealing with aging parents

illness and caretaking

Sign up to receive news and updates from Northampton Center for Couples Therapy.

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Steps to Cope with a Marriage Crisis

As we approach the holidays, relationships are on our minds more than ever. What do you buy for that special loved one? What is that “perfect” gift to convey what you are feeling about them?

Of course, for couples in a relationship or marriage crisis, the question becomes much more complicated.

Is a simple gift enough to repair the damage? How can you get through the holidays without arguing or hurting each other? How can you celebrate the season without letting your tempers flare and affecting your kids? Or, even worse, is this your last holiday season together? These are just a few of the painful questions you may be asking if your relationship is in crisis during the holiday season.

And, while some might tell you to just “grin and bear it” until the holidays are over, research shows that this might not be in your best interest. Numerous studies identify communication, or the lack thereof, as a top reason for a break-up or divorce. Research also shows that how you communicate is key to making your marriage work.

A UCLA study from 2012 found that newlyweds who routinely react with anger and pessimism toward their partner were more likely to be divorced ten years later. This study also showed that communication patterns and styles were more predictive of divorce than personality profiles, stress levels, and even commitment to one another.

Simply put, for a marriage to work communication must be present and handled in a way that shows consideration and appreciation for your partner.

Begging the question “How do you turn the tide after a marriage has already entered rough waters?” In honor of the holiday season, I want to address this question head-on and provide a few research-driven strategies.

1. Calm is Key

At NCCT, we use a wide variety of models for getting you on the road to reconciliation. What each model has in common is that it supports you in calming your nervous system so that you can learn new skills and have reparative and connecting experiences.

When immersed in a conflict at home it is often challenging, if not impossible to do this. Your heart rate elevates and you’re operating on such an emotional level that you cannot apply logic to the situation. You need to slow things down – we act as your brake.

Supporting you in developing skills to manage the understandable panic, anger, and despair you may be experiencing.

If you are a couple in distress or are experiencing a marriage crisis, before you can take steps forward, you must develop tools to calm yourself and calm your partner. Finding a way to engage with your partner in a supportive and emotionally balanced manner. For couples who cannot do this successfully on their own, we recommend couples therapy with one of our therapists trained in evidence-informed models such as Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy or Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

2. Turn Towards (Not Away) From Each Other

For some couples, conflict does not result in fighting. Instead, during the “heat of the moment,” one or both partners may shut down. Instead of shouting, they withhold words and emotions. Stonewalling of this sort is equally toxic to relational health. The majority of relationships that end in break-ups or divorce fail due to a lack of healthy communication strategies.

For your relationship to thrive the key is not just to communicate but to learn how to communicate well. During our therapy sessions, we encourage you to turn towards each other and enter the same terrain you engage in at home. Acting as a coach or choreographer, we then guide you on how to respond when the situation becomes tense.

3. Repair and De-Escalate

It’s true that most conversations and interactions end the same way they begin. In broaching a challenging issue with your spouse try to start on a soft note and de-escalate a situation whenever you sense it going array. If it’s helpful, use scripted phrases like “Let me try again,” “I don’t feel like we’re understanding each other right now, how about we take a break?” to bring the emotional barometer down and begin to make repair attempts.

4. Eliminate Contempt

In communication studies, contempt is known as being “tough on the person, soft on the issue.” The opposite of respect, contempt is often expressed via negative judgment, criticism, or sarcasm regarding the worth of an individual. Contemptuous communication works like poison – it destroys the health and of a marriage or committed relationship. And it can also be seen non-verbally in things like your voice tone and body language.

Even if you think you are right on an issue, hold yourself to a standard where you remain open to the possibility that you may be wrong (or at least not seeing the whole picture), and keep contempt in check (and take a break when you can’t).

5. Always Have Your Partner’s Back

When you commit to a relationship or marriage, you commit to supporting your partner – burden and all.

Partners who can pick up on each other’s signs of distress have an easier time breaking out of fight/flight and applying the proven strategies they learned during couples’ therapy. Having your partner’s back means if they go down you go down, so you’re committed to keeping both of you afloat. It’s self-preservation of “we” versus self-preservation of “me.”

At NCCT, we don’t believe there is a “one size fits all” method for helping marriages in crisis. Instead, we use a full toolbox of research-driven techniques, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy, Gottman Method, and PEX-T (Pragmatic Experiential Couples Therapy).

We are continuously refining our extensive repertoire of tools and strategies to add to our wheelhouse and will employ whatever techniques are needed to achieve the best results.

Using “state-dependent” couples’ therapy, we work with you in the same tough states you are experiencing at home. Removing ourselves from the sidelines and applying hands-on expertise and resolution strategies in real-time.

If you are a couple in crisis or are experiencing a marriage crisis, we encourage you to consider these points and contact a couples’ therapist if you feel you need more help breaking out of a destructive pattern.

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What If My Partner Refuses to Go to Counseling?

The trend of seeking support from an outside professional when your relationship is in crisis is a relatively new one. Historically, marital woes have been navigated behind closed doors. And when counsel was sought, it was traditionally from family, friends, and pastors, rather than trained professionals.

Understandably, flagging that your relationship is in trouble can be scary, and in turn, it can result in one or both you feeling hesitant (or even resistant) to make a change.

If this is you, and your partner or spouse is reluctant to attend couples therapy, know that you are not alone. Also, know that your partner’s hesitance is likely more a reflection of their own fears then it is of their feelings about your relationship.

In fact, the best thing you can do is to avoid taking their reluctance personally. Instead, consider the following points when trying to “get to the heart of the matter” and choosing which steps to take next.

Do Not Let Your Fears Get the Best of You

Reading meaning into our partner’s stance, it can be tempting to interpret it as rejection, to panic and become reactive. After all, shouldn’t they want to work on the relationship? And if they don’t, what good can come out of forcing their arm?

While it’s true nobody responds well to ultimatums, there are a couple of ways to handle a hesitant partner. First, look at the degree of ambivalence or reluctance that your partner is communicating to you.

“If your partner is just neutral or indifferent, that’s one thing,” advises NCCT Director Kerry Lusignan. “Many of us want our partners to come to therapy from a place of enthusiasm and gusto. However, as lovely as that idea is, it is often not realistic. Instead, accepting that your partner loves you and feels differently is an attitude that can benefit you in the long run.”

More often than not relationships are balanced out (and sometimes challenged) by different levels of desire. Often, one partner wants to talk and process their feelings, while the other partner prefers just to move past things and not dwell, or in more extreme cases, stonewall or avoid.

Likewise, one partner is often the initiator of sex or activities, while the other partner takes on a more passive role. Sound familiar? This type of dynamic is referred to as a “desire discrepancy,” and all relationships have them. So if you find yourself being the one who desires couples therapy more, understand that this is entirely normal.

Attend Together (Best with an Ambivalent Partner)

If your partner is ambivalent about couples therapy, first try to assess and understand the degree of ambivalence or reluctance your partner is communicating to you.

One idea is to let your partner be hesitant, and take the lead in scheduling the first appointment.

It is very possible that your partner’s reluctance is a symptom of their own anxiety, wrapped up in fears or concerns about the unknown and what the couples therapy process will be like. You can help ease this by sharing with them some materials from the therapist before the session. Resources such as a link to a website, a book, or even a pre-arranged phone call, during which they can speak openly with the therapist and ask questions, can all be helpful.

Then, once they meet the therapist and get a taste of the benefits that couples therapy offers, they will likely be sold and more invested in the process.

No matter what level of ambivalence or reluctance you are facing with your partner, an experienced couples therapist can create a course of action specific to you — one that is designed to adapt to both of your levels of motivation.

A skilled marriage counselor will honor both stances and adjust your treatment to focus on assessing how your relationship arrived at this impasse and where to go from here.

Consider Discernment Counseling (or a Customized Plan)

There is the possibility that you could be facing another, more challenging, scenario. Your partner may be flat-out refusing to work on your marriage or relationship. While this situation is not uncommon, it is more challenging to navigate. Unfortunately, it puts you in the genuine position of having to choose between taking a stand or accepting the status quo.

The reality is, many people won’t change until being put in a position where change is the only option that is remaining to them.

However, if you decide to take a stand and insist on change, you must be prepared to accept that you may not get a “Yes” from your partner, and in turn, be thinking about how you will handle that scenario. That said, the cost of not asserting yourself is often far graver and can result in growing resentment, which is a form of contempt that is just as toxic to a relationship as going on the offense.

Ask yourself these questions, “Am I at a point where I can’t handle the status quo anymore? Can I continue to pretend everything is okay when it is not? What are the potential consequences and fallout to myself (and my family) if I continue to say “Yes” to things that really feel like a “No?”

If one person is strongly “leaning out,” your therapist might recommend a process called discernment counseling, during which the therapist focuses solely on helping you (and your partner) decide what you want to do with your relationship. The therapist might also choose to help you or your partner set stronger individual boundaries for yourselves (with love) while still extending compassion to one another.

“Most people tend to either stand up for themselves too much…or not enough,” says Lusignan. “For some of us, the emphasis needs to be learning how to assert ourselves with our partner without overdoing it or making our partner into the villain. While it may sound simple, it’s not.”

Lusignan advises partners who find themselves stuck in this sort of boundary-setting “limbo” to keep their own regulation top of mind. Habits such as mindfulness-based meditation can help you cultivate these skills. Studies even show that meditation can go so far as to create structural changes in our brain that help us keep calm in the heat of things.

Just stay calm. Breathe. And practice healthy habits that can help you avoid flooding so you can skillfully communicate your wants and needs without going too far.

Attend Individually with PEX Therapy

Even if your partner does not come in for therapy, there are things you can do individually that can result in changes and improvements. At NCCT, we offer couples treatment even to individuals, teaching you the same skills that we teach couples.

Says Lusignan, “One of the great benefits of couples therapy is that you are likely to walk away from it with emotional and relational skills that last a lifetime and translate into all aspects of your life. It will improve your relationships with your children, with your friends, with your colleagues, etc. The ripple effect of doing this work is tremendous on a familial and societal level.”

We are all interconnected as human beings. Each of us carries with us the potential to either soothe or disrupt those closest to us. At NCCT, we see this in our office all the time with individuals who wear heart rate monitors to measure the spikes in heart rates as conflict and tensions rise. Learning how to change your own physiology (and in turn actions) will likely create a change at home.

Change is an ongoing process, sometimes the changes we seek out within ourselves can create a catalyst for growth within others. So, it stands to reason that once you make positive steps towards self-regulation, it can foster more positive growth and regulation within your partner.

Just be sure to meet with a relationship therapist if your end goal is to improve your relationship, even if you end up attending the treatment solo. Most individual therapists lack experience in working with couples and tend to align more with the individual. This runs the risk of your therapist siding with you (from a well-intentioned, but uninformed stance) and actually advising you in ways that can hurt the relationship.

Again, the trick is to see a therapist who specializes in couples therapy, even if you are attending alone. As couples therapists, we tend to see things from a holistic perspective. We think systemically. Even when your partner is not in the room, we will evoke them and help you to learn and practice new skills that will translate well to your relationship.

At NCCT we are trained in Pragmatic Experiential Couples Therapy (PEX), which is an evidence-informed model rooted in the research of John Gottman. PEXT places emphasis on the power that our actions have as individuals to shape (positively or negatively) the dynamics that play out in our relationships and it is a fantastic model for offering tools to a person whose partner is unwilling to come in or is begrudgingly participating.

So, if your partner is flat-out refusing to attend couples therapy, you still have the option to enroll in one of our 1-day couples retreats, during which we employ the leading methodologies in couples therapy and can teach you how to apply some of the research-backed relationship skills when you are back home.

Bottom line? Be proactive. Don’t rush to conclusions about your partner’s or spouse’s reluctance, and don’t be afraid to initiate the process on your own.

If you don’t choose change, it will come on its own.

But instead of you writing your story, your story will write itself.

Request an appointment

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Premarital Counseling Retreat in Northampton

Don’t just plan a beautiful wedding. Plan a beautiful life.

1-Day & 2-Day Intensives for Couples Considering Marriage

Preparing for a wedding is a joyous time. There are bridal showers, cake testings, and other important milestones. However, before you say “I Do,” consider the following points:

Couples who participate in premarital counseling are 30 percent less likely to divorce within the first five years, according to the Journal of Family Psychology. Also, according to marriage expert John Gottman, marriage therapy can have extra benefits when done in a state of positivity. It is from this state that couples can build on fondness and admiration, two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.

So, put those premarital “flutters” to good use, especially as you prepare for your vows and find yourself asking, whether consciously or unconsciously, questions such as:

“Will my partner join me in my quest for adventure?” “Will I still be able to achieve my professional goals?” Or the inevitable, “How can I ever promise to love this other person for the rest of my life?”

There is an understandable amount of trepidation associated with an upcoming marriage. However, with those concerns comes a great deal of hope.

As the adage goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Starting off on the right foot with your future spouse could save you years of heartache (and therapy) later on. One great way to do that is through a 1-day or 2-day premarital counseling retreat.

Just what is a premarital counseling retreat?

It is a private retreat that offers you and your fiance an uninterrupted window of time to devote to one and other. It will just be you and your partner, with an expert couples therapist all to yourself for an entire weekend.

No work. No family. No nagging to-do lists and no beeping gadgets (yes, you will be invited to turn them off!).

With the guidance of a couples therapy expert, you will have the opportunity to envision your life together consciously. To skillfully balance the wisdom of your love with research and practicality, allowing you to build a solid marital foundation from day one. And, you’ll do so in a manner that feels safe and allows you to take risks, to challenge assumptions, and to learn and grow together.

You will get the feedback, counsel and knowledge of your therapist, a devoted expert who is seasoned, skilled, and who sits with couples every day.

You will also gain the equivalent of a full month worth of weekly therapy, concentrated into 1-2 days!

During a premarital counseling retreat with NCCT, you can expect to:

Walk away with proven, research-backed skills on how to keep your relationship strong and connected well past the “honeymoon stage.”

Gain the tools and understanding you need to feel like a true team working towards a common goal.

Receive a roadmap for your romantic future in the form of a Gottman relationship assessment. Deepening your understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship…..

The secret is to attend a premarital counseling retreat with a therapist who is trained in the leading evidence-based models in couples’ therapy: Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). These models have the highest success rates of any couples therapy approach hands-down, and the Gottman Method alone stands out with over 35 years of research on more than 3000 couples.

We approach marriage full of hopes and dreams, offering the best of who we are in a spirit of generosity and good intention. While these dreams set the stage for beginning a life together - they are different than the strengths required to live a life together.

It sounds like a magic bullet, but it isn’t. Attending a premarital counseling retreat is hard work, and it can feel scary. But we assure you it is worth the investment and will transform your marriage and your life.

Not sure a retreat is right for you and your fiance?

We also offer weekly premarital counseling sessions. Click here to learn more about our weekly couples therapy and find out more about our team and what we can offer you. We also offer premarital counseling retreats and counseling for second marriages, blended families and more.

Want to learn more about our premarital counseling retreats?

Contact us, and our Retreat Coordinator will help you create a customized plan unique to your goals and schedule needs. She'll even give you tips on fantastic places to stay and great places to dine while in the Pioneer Valley.

Best of all, once booked we'll give you access to The Gottman Institute's online Gottman Relationship Checkup, so you can begin your journey before you even arrive!

Take the first step and schedule your free initial phone consultation now. We promise to be in touch within one business day.

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Marriage Trouble Insights from Kerry Lusignan

Dear NCCT Community,

In case you missed it, NCCT Founder, Kerry Lusignan, was recently featured in The Guardian, Glamour Magazine, The Insider, and the PACT Blog (Stan Tatkin).

Here’s what Kerry has to say about everything from the challenges COVID poses on relationships and domesticity to the merits of couples therapy as a preventative (and healing measure) in the face of relationship hardship and challenges.

1.  The Guardian: “Caught in a COVID Romance: how the pandemic has rewritten relationships: ”

The pandemic has been less than ideal for relationships old and new, leaving some couples locked down with each other – and others reconsidering things

Continue reading.

2.  Glamour Magazine: “Can ‘Covid Counseling’ Save Your Relationship? ”

The pandemic has pushed many couples to a breaking point—and relationship therapists are cashing in. We dove into the world of coronavirus couples counseling and whether or not it can save your relationship.

Continue reading.

3.  Insider Magazine: “Couples Therapy: A Complete Guide for Beginners”

Not everyone needs couples therapy – in some cases, people can work out relationship conflicts independently. But if you find yourself having the same argument over and over with your partner without any resolution, it might be time to see a couples therapist.

Continue reading.

4.  The PACT Blog: What It Means to Securely Function When Your Partner Won’t

Staying long-term in a relationship that does not meet our needs and neglects our core values is masochistic. But prematurely jumping ship is equally destructive. There is a space between commitments and endings, and it’s fraught with unknowables.

Continue reading.

At NCCT, we support couples in all stages of marital or relational distress. We use the leading evidence-based models, such as the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, the PACT model and more, to help couples better regulate their emotions and responses.

Through our couples retreat intensives, individual couples therapy sessions or even online counseling options, we have helped countless couples strengthen their bond and connection with one another.

Let us know if we can do the same for you! Click here to learn more.

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What If My Spouse Refuses to Go to Counseling?

The trend of seeking support from an outside professional when your relationship is in crisis is a relatively new one. Historically, marital woes have been navigated behind closed doors. And when counsel was sought, it was traditionally from family, friends and pastors, rather than trained professionals.

Understandably, flagging that your relationship is in trouble can be scary, and in turn, it can result in one or both you feeling hesitant (or even resistant) to make a change.

If this is you, and your partner or spouse is reluctant to attend couples therapy, know that you are not alone. Also, know that your partner’s hesitance is likely more a reflection of their own fears then it is of their feelings about your relationship.

In fact, the best thing you can do is to avoid taking their reluctance personally. Instead, consider the following points when trying to “get to the heart of the matter” and choosing which steps to take next.

Do Not Let Your Fears Get the Best of You

Reading meaning into our partner's stance, it can be tempting to interpret it as rejection, to panic and become reactive. After all, shouldn't they want to work on the relationship? And if they don't, what good can come out of forcing their arm?

While it's true nobody responds well to ultimatums, there are a couple of ways to handle a hesitant partner. First, look at the degree of ambivalence or reluctance that your partner is communicating to you.

“If your partner is just neutral or indifferent, that's one thing,” advises NCCT Director Kerry Lusignan. “Many of us want our partners to come to therapy from a place of enthusiasm and gusto. However, as lovely as that idea is, it is often not realistic. Instead, accepting that your partner loves you and feels differently is an attitude that can benefit you in the long run.”

More often than not relationships are balanced out (and sometimes challenged) by different levels of desire. Often, one partner wants to talk and process their feelings, while the other partner prefers just to move past things and not dwell, or in more extreme cases, stonewall or avoid.

Likewise, one partner is often the initiator of sex or activities, while the other partner takes on a more passive role. Sound familiar? This type of dynamic is referred to as a “desire discrepancy,” and all relationships have them. So if you find yourself being the one who desires couples therapy more, understand that this is entirely normal.

Attend Together (Best with an Ambivalent Partner)

If your partner is ambivalent about couples therapy, first try to assess and understand the degree of ambivalence or reluctance your partner is communicating to you.

One idea is to let your partner be hesitant, and take the lead in scheduling the first appointment.

It is very possible that your partner’s reluctance is a symptom of their own anxiety, wrapped up in fears or concerns about the unknown and what the couples therapy process will be like. You can help ease this by sharing with them some materials from the therapist before the session. Resources such as a link to a website, a book, or even a pre-arranged phone call, during which they can speak openly with the therapist and ask questions, can all be helpful.

Then, once they meet the therapist and get a taste of the benefits that couples therapy offers, they will likely be sold and more invested in the process.

No matter what level of ambivalence or reluctance you are facing with your partner, an experienced couples therapist can create a course of action specific to you — one that is designed to adapt to both of your levels of motivation.

A skilled marriage counselor will honor both stances and adjust your treatment to focus on assessing how your relationship arrived at this impasse and where to go from here.

Consider Discernment Counseling (or a Customized Plan)

There is the possibility that you could be facing another, more challenging, scenario. Your partner may be flat-out refusing to work on your marriage or relationship. While this situation is not uncommon, it is more challenging to navigate. Unfortunately, it  puts you in the genuine position of having to choose between taking a stand or accepting the status quo.

The reality is, many people won't change until being put in a position where change is the only option that is remaining to them.

However, if you decide to take a stand and insist on change, you must be prepared to accept that you may not get a “Yes” from your partner, and in turn, be thinking about how you will handle that scenario. That said, the cost of not asserting yourself is often far graver and can result in growing resentment, which is a form of contempt that is just as toxic to a relationship as going on the offense.

Ask yourself these questions, "Am I at a point where I can't handle the status quo anymore? Can I continue to pretend everything is okay when it is not? What are the potential consequences and fallout to myself (and my family) if I continue to say “Yes” to things that really feel like a “No?”

If one person is strongly "leaning out," your therapist might recommend a process called discernment counseling, during which the therapist focuses solely on helping you (and your partner) decide what you want to do with your relationship. The therapist might also choose to help you or your partner set stronger individual boundaries for yourselves (with love) while still extending compassion to one another.

“Most people tend to either stand up for themselves too much…or not enough,” says Lusignan. “For some of us, the emphasis needs to be learning how to assert ourselves with our partner without overdoing it or making our partner into the villain. While it may sound simple, it’s not.”

Lusignan advises partners who find themselves stuck in this sort of boundary-setting “limbo” to keep their own regulation top of mind. Habits such as mindfulness-based meditation can help you cultivate these skills. Studies even show that meditation can go so far as to create structural changes in our brain that help us keep calm in the heat of things.

Just stay calm. Breathe. And practice healthy habits that can help you avoid flooding so you can skillfully communicate your wants and needs without going too far.

Attend Individually with PEX Therapy

Even if your partner does not come in for therapy, there are things you can do individually that can result in changes and improvements. At NCCT, we offer couples treatment even to individuals, teaching you the same skills that we teach couples.

Says Lusignan, "One of the great benefits of couples therapy is that you are likely to walk away from it with emotional and relational skills that last a lifetime and translate into all aspects of your life. It will improve your relationships with your children, with your friends, with your colleagues, etc. The ripple effect of doing this work is tremendous on a familial and societal level."

We are all interconnected as human beings. Each of us carries with us the potential to either soothe or disrupt those closest to us. At NCCT, we see this in our office all the time with individuals who wear heart rate monitors to measure the spikes in heart rates as conflict and tensions rise. Learning how to change your own physiology (and in turn actions) will likely create a change at home.

Change is an ongoing process, sometimes the changes we seek out within ourselves can create a catalyst for growth within others. So, it stands to reason that once you make positive steps towards self-regulation, it can foster more positive growth and regulation within your partner.

Just be sure to meet with a relationship therapist if your end goal is to improve your relationship, even if you end up attending the treatment solo. Most individual therapists lack experience in working with couples and tend to align more with the individual. This runs the risk of your therapist siding with you (from a well-intentioned, but uninformed stance) and actually advising you in ways that can hurt the relationship.

Again, the trick is to see a therapist who specializes in couples therapy, even if you are attending alone. As couples therapists, we tend to see things from a holistic perspective. We think systemically. Even when your partner is not in the room, we will evoke them and help you to learn and practice new skills that will translate well to your relationship.

At NCCT we are trained in Pragmatic Experiential Couples Therapy (PEX), which is an evidence-informed model rooted in the research of John Gottman. PEXT places emphasis on the power that our actions have as individuals to shape (positively or negatively) the dynamics that play out in our relationships and it is a fantastic model for offering tools to a person whose partner is unwilling to come in or is begrudgingly participating.

So, if your partner is flat-out refusing to attend couples therapy, you still have the option to enroll in one of our 1-day couples retreats, during which we employ the leading methodologies in couples therapy and can teach you how to apply some of the research-backed relationship skills when you are back home.

Bottom line? Be proactive. Don’t rush to conclusions about your partner’s or spouse’s reluctance, and don’t be afraid to initiate the process on your own.

If you don't choose change, it will come on its own.

But instead of you writing your story, your story will write itself.

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

What Your Relationship Style Says About You

I think most of us can agree that relationships are difficult. But it is the “why” behind this statement that causes the most confusion.

Why are romantic commitments so hard to maintain? Is it the stress of work? Money? Kids? Who washes the dishes? Or, is it simply because you don’t have enough in common?

If you ask relationship expert Dr. Stan Tatkin, creator of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) and founder of the PACT Institute, there is “nothing more difficult on the planet than another person.”

We often come to the table expecting relationships to be easy; yet, we can also bring to one another a host of painful memories, or past experiences, which mold our neurological pathways and affect the way we interact with our partners for the rest of our lives.

Romantic Reflexes: Ambassadors vs. Primitives

When you think about how you respond to your partner and interpret their words and actions, Tatkin wants us to understand there are two main functions of the brain that are responsible for those reactions: the “ambassadors” and the “primitives.”

Your ambassadors, using mainly the higher cortical areas of the brain, are intelligent, deliberate and keep you calm in the heat of the moment. If that conflict about the dishes or who’s taking your child to daycare arises and you settle it calmly, the ambassadors are online. They are the parts of the brain that help you weigh options carefully and make sense of difficult situations.

If, on the other hand, that conflict about dishes or childcare spins out of control, it is the primitives that are responsible. Primitives care about survival. They can change perception into something like a funhouse mirror, distorting reality. According to Tatkin, “adults carry a bigger burden through life because their dependency relationships carry memories of what could or will happen.”

It is important to note that the primitives are not all trouble. The brain’s functions are complex, and we would not want to leave everything to the ambassadors. Primitives are fast, while ambassadors are slower and require lots of fuel to function, as well as plenty of glucose and oxygen. If we let the ambassadors lead too often, we will become stiff and slow. So, we want to rely on our fast primitives as much as possible.

Ideally, when we get to know someone new, we want both on board. Our primitives will allow us to relax and go with the flow, while our ambassadors will help us evaluate or size up a potential partner. Once we we have determined that a person is safe, our primitives will assume the lead, while our ambassadors will remain available for troubleshooting.

“This is supposed to happen,” says Tatkin. “It is what the brain does to make the relationship feel easier.”

However, when you grow comfortable, you stop paying attention. Since your primitives are controlling the relationship now, they will rely on memories to interpret any intentions of your partner. When a tense situation arises, our primitives will act based on the past, which can cause us to become detached from reality.

It is then that we need to rely on our ambassadors, the rational function of our brain, to regain control and get through the difficult time. This happens sometimes, but is it always that simple? If we get really worked up about something, our primitives can hijack our ambassadors, creating a survival-based state of panic.

Islands, Anchors, and Waves…Oh My

You can see that our primitives and ambassadors do their work based on our past. Our relationship history — starting at birth — impacts us in such a profound way that it affects the way we attach to and interact with our romantic partners.

According to Tatkin, the types of attachments we form with one another can, for the most part, be separated into one of three categories: islands, anchors, and waves. (Note: Tatkin warns against self-diagnosis and notes that these attachment styles are not akin to personality types. They simply describe the way we adapt, based on our histories, to new situations.

Islands are characterized by isolation. They find ways to be self-sufficient and tend to enjoy long periods of separation from the interactive world around them. They may feel uncomfortable with others, including their romantic partners, because they find the interpersonal stress difficult to handle.

Under stress, islands self-soothe, rather than seeking others to help them regulate their emotions. Typically, islands come from backgrounds in which they were left alone often and had to adapt by learning to take care of themselves too young.

Waves, on the other hand, seek help from others with their emotions. Most waves come from backgrounds in which they experienced inconsistent parenting, with one or both parents unable to consistently support them emotionally. Or, perhaps someone tried to provide support but was unsuccessful or was too self-preoccupied to do a good job with them. Thus, waves operate with an expectation of being let down by others, while still remaining dependent on them for emotional regulation. This can lead to anger within waves, and when this anger arises, they can be difficult to soothe.

Meanwhile, anchors respond with ease to being alone or with others. Their early experiences taught them they could expect help with their emotions when needed. They experienced an attachment-focused relationship with their parents, who could put aside their needs to focus on their children. Anchors are likely better than waves and islands at reading situations and adjusting to them. Also, because they experienced more fairness and sensitivity in their early attachment history, they tend to respond with more fairness and sensitivity to others.

According to Tatkin, when islands and waves pair (including: islands with islands, and waves with waves) trouble is not far off.

Your initial attraction to one another may put you on your best behavior. However, over time, your differing childhood histories will manifest themselves. If you and your partner are both islands, you may end up with a distance that is comfortable but not interactive. Or, you may avoid conflict to such a degree that resentment builds between you. Alternatively, if you are both waves, you may end up failing to obtain adequate regulation from one another. Wave-island pairings can seem like cat-and-dog or cross-cultural relationships, with each pushing the other to increased opposite behaviors that each of you equally misunderstands.

The solution? Bring the ambassadors online.

This will help you gain a more logical understanding of your distinct attachment styles and what damage your out-of-control primitives might be causing. Then, move towards true “mutuality and cooperation,” which Tatkin says is the foundation of a healthy, secure relationship. This means finding ways to take care of each other simultaneously. There are a number of principles to keep in mind to build such a relationship, but the bottom line is that you must act so that your partner is in your care, and they are in yours.

When Conflicts Arise, “Keep it Simple”

Relationships can survive fights; they cannot survive threats to security. Yet many fights, spinning out of control, do exactly that. They allow the distress to get too intense and last too long. Instead, we must put our ambassadors to work and soothe our partner’s primitives.

One powerful way to make this neurological switch is to start difficult conversations face-to-face. Stop doing whatever else you are doing and focus on one another. Don’t fight in a car or by email or text. Instead, use your eyes to regulate your nervous systems. Tatkin calls this process “changing position.” The face shows everything. So, getting face-to-face with your partner allows you to track what is going on with your lightning-fast primitives. By tracking one another, you can act quickly to soothe your partner’s primitives if they get distressed. In doing so, you will also soothe your own.

First, respond to your partner’s distress. Postpone difficult topics in the car, or pull over so you can look at each other. Respond to the distress quickly–it’s a race to relief. Only when both sets of primitives are calmed can you make progress on the topic.

Second, when you fight, remain orderly. Stick to one topic at a time. No couple can handle multiple topics when under stress. According to Tatkin, “If we want to get anything out of this effort, we have to be disciplined, orderly, and stick to one thing.”

Third, repair the conflict quickly to avoid a fight forming a long-term memory. When you leave issues unresolved, your defenses will build and you will come to expect conflict from your partner. But when you wrap up a fight quickly, leaving each other intact, you can come to the next conflict more relaxed.

Always Protect Your Partner

Another key is to try to recognize when your primitives are taking over. This is when the partnership works at its best. Your partner is crucial in this process, as they will often notice this before you can.

“You protect the other; they protect you,” says Tatkin. Relationships are about both of you. You are not in your own care but rather, each other’s care. If you are consistently in defensive mode, it will not work. Relying on primitives in situations of threat will always keep you on edge, preventing you from moving toward a more meaningful relationship.

When you move away from a self-focused mentality and focus on your partner, you begin to move towards secure functioning. Even if you did not have the advantage of a childhood that provided you with an anchor attachment style, you can change your style over time by participating in effective interdependence. This is very different from codependence because you do this for each other. Doing it for each other is having each other’s back; protecting your partner protects you.

At NCCT, our therapists are intimately acquainted with the various attachment styles and the ways in which they can manifest themselves in a relationship. We understand how important it is to know and adapt to one another and can guide you through that process and towards a state of secure functioning in your partnership.

Interested in learning more about Tatkin’s work?

From the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy to the PACT model, we apply science-based methodologies to every couples therapy session. For those with more limited schedules, or who desire a more intensive therapy model, we also offer couples retreats and couples therapy weekends.

Interested in working on your relationship? Request an appointment.

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

I think most of us can agree that relationships are difficult. But it is the “why” behind this statement that causes the most confusion.

Why are romantic commitments so hard to maintain? Is it the stress of work? Money? Kids? Who washes the dishes? Or, is it simply because you don’t have enough in common?

If you ask relationship expert Dr. Stan Tatkin, creator of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) and founder of the PACT Institute, there is “nothing more difficult on the planet than another person.”

We often come to the table expecting relationships to be easy; yet, we can also bring to one another a host of painful memories, or past experiences, which mold our neurological pathways and affect the way we interact with our partners for the rest of our lives.

Romantic Reflexes: Ambassadors vs. Primitives

When you think about how you respond to your partner and interpret their words and actions, Tatkin wants us to understand there are two main functions of the brain that are responsible for those reactions: the “ambassadors” and the “primitives.”

Your ambassadors, using mainly the higher cortical areas of the brain, are intelligent, deliberate and keep you calm in the heat of the moment. If that conflict about the dishes or who’s taking your child to daycare arises and you settle it calmly, the ambassadors are online. They are the parts of the brain that help you weigh options carefully and make sense of difficult situations.

If, on the other hand, that conflict about dishes or childcare spins out of control, it is the primitives that are responsible. Primitives care about survival. They can change perception into something like a funhouse mirror, distorting reality. According to Tatkin, “adults carry a bigger burden through life because their dependency relationships carry memories of what could or will happen.”

It is important to note that the primitives are not all trouble. The brain’s functions are complex, and we would not want to leave everything to the ambassadors. Primitives are fast, while ambassadors are slower and require lots of fuel to function, as well as plenty of glucose and oxygen. If we let the ambassadors lead too often, we will become stiff and slow. So, we want to rely on our fast primitives as much as possible.  

Ideally, when we get to know someone new, we want both on board. Our primitives will allow us to relax and go with the flow, while our ambassadors will help us evaluate or size up a potential partner. Once we we have determined that a person is safe, our primitives will assume the lead, while our ambassadors will remain available for troubleshooting.

“This is supposed to happen,” says Tatkin. “It is what the brain does to make the relationship feel easier.”

However, when you grow comfortable, you stop paying attention. Since your primitives are controlling the relationship now, they will rely on memories to interpret any intentions of your partner. When a tense situation arises, our primitives will act based on the past, which can cause us to become detached from reality.

It is then that we need to rely on our ambassadors, the rational function of our brain, to regain control and get through the difficult time. This happens sometimes, but is it always that simple? If we get really worked up about something, our primitives can hijack our ambassadors, creating a survival-based state of panic.

Islands, Anchors, and Waves…Oh My

You can see that our primitives and ambassadors do their work based on our past. Our relationship history — starting at birth — impacts us in such a profound way that it affects the way we attach to and interact with our romantic partners.

According to Tatkin, the types of attachments we form with one another can, for the most part, be separated into one of three categories: islands, anchors, and waves. (Note: Tatkin warns against self-diagnosis and notes that these attachment styles are not akin to personality types. They simply describe the way we adapt, based on our histories, to new situations.

Islands are characterized by isolation. They find ways to be self-sufficient and tend to enjoy long periods of separation from the interactive world around them. They may feel uncomfortable with others, including their romantic partners, because they find the interpersonal stress difficult to handle.  

Under stress, islands self-soothe, rather than seeking others to help them regulate their emotions. Typically, islands come from backgrounds in which they were left alone often and had to adapt by learning to take care of themselves too young.

Waves, on the other hand, seek help from others with their emotions. Most waves come from backgrounds in which they experienced inconsistent parenting, with one or both parents unable to consistently support them emotionally. Or, perhaps someone tried to provide support but was unsuccessful or was too self-preoccupied to do a good job with them. Thus, waves operate with an expectation of being let down by others, while still remaining dependent on them for emotional regulation. This can lead to anger within waves, and when this anger arises, they can be difficult to soothe.

Meanwhile, anchors respond with ease to being alone or with others. Their early experiences taught them they could expect help with their emotions when needed. They experienced an attachment-focused relationship with their parents, who could put aside their needs to focus on their children. Anchors are likely better than waves and islands at reading situations and adjusting to them. Also, because they experienced more fairness and sensitivity in their early attachment history, they tend to respond with more fairness and sensitivity to others.

According to Tatkin, when islands and waves pair (including: islands with islands, and waves with waves) trouble is not far off.  

Your initial attraction to one another may put you on your best behavior. However, over time, your differing childhood histories will manifest themselves. If you and your partner are both islands, you may end up with a distance that is comfortable but not interactive. Or, you may avoid conflict to such a degree that resentment builds between you. Alternatively, if you are both waves, you may end up failing to obtain adequate regulation from one another. Wave-island pairings can seem like cat-and-dog or cross-cultural relationships, with each pushing the other to increased opposite behaviors that each of you equally misunderstands.

The solution? Bring the ambassadors online.

This will help you gain a more logical understanding of your distinct attachment styles and what damage your out-of-control primitives might be causing. Then, move towards true “mutuality and cooperation,” which Tatkin says is the foundation of a healthy, secure relationship. This means finding ways to take care of each other simultaneously. There are a number of principles to keep in mind to build such a relationship, but the bottom line is that you must act so that your partner is in your care, and they are in yours.

When Conflicts Arise, “Keep it Simple”

Relationships can survive fights; they cannot survive threats to security. Yet many fights, spinning out of control, do exactly that. They allow the distress to get too intense and last too long. Instead, we must put our ambassadors to work and soothe our partner’s primitives.

One powerful way to make this neurological switch is to start difficult conversations face-to-face. Stop doing whatever else you are doing and focus on one another. Don’t fight in a car or by email or text. Instead, use your eyes to regulate your nervous systems. Tatkin calls this process “changing position.” The face shows everything. So, getting face-to-face with your partner allows you to track what is going on with your lightning-fast primitives. By tracking one another, you can act quickly to soothe your partner’s primitives if they get distressed. In doing so, you will also soothe your own.

First, respond to your partner’s distress. Postpone difficult topics in the car, or pull over so you can look at each other. Respond to the distress quickly–it’s a race to relief. Only when both sets of primitives are calmed can you make progress on the topic.

Second, when you fight, remain orderly. Stick to one topic at a time. No couple can handle multiple topics when under stress. According to Tatkin, “If we want to get anything out of this effort, we have to be disciplined, orderly, and stick to one thing.”

Third, repair the conflict quickly to avoid a fight forming a long-term memory. When you leave issues unresolved, your defenses will build and you will come to expect conflict from your partner. But when you wrap up a fight quickly, leaving each other intact, you can come to the next conflict more relaxed.

Always Protect Your Partner

Another key is to try to recognize when your primitives are taking over. This is when the partnership works at its best. Your partner is crucial in this process, as they will often notice this before you can.

“You protect the other; they protect you,” says Tatkin. Relationships are about both of you. You are not in your own care but rather, each other’s care. If you are consistently in defensive mode, it will not work. Relying on primitives in situations of threat will always keep you on edge, preventing you from moving toward a more meaningful relationship.

When you move away from a self-focused mentality and focus on your partner, you begin to move towards secure functioning. Even if you did not have the advantage of a childhood that provided you with an anchor attachment style, you can change your style over time by participating in effective interdependence. This is very different from codependence because you do this for each other. Doing it for each other is having each other’s back; protecting your partner protects you.

At NCCT, our therapists are intimately acquainted with the various attachment styles and the ways in which they can manifest themselves in a relationship. We understand how important it is to know and adapt to one another and can guide you through that process and towards a state of secure functioning in your partnership.

Interested in learning more about Tatkin’s work?

From the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy to the PACT model, we apply science-based methodologies to every couples therapy session. For those with more limited schedules, or who desire a more intensive therapy model, we also offer couples retreats and couples therapy weekends.

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