#Here I am making self pitying posts instead of writing

[justmeinabigolworld]

I really wish there was a writing version of artfight

like, some kind of spinoff or whatever where the “attacks” are writing instead of art

But how would we even do that? Describe our OCs or link to our stories and expect people to write about them? I’d probably get people’s characters wrong if I tried writing about them

l mean, I don’t think I’d mind if people’s interpretations of my characters weren’t a hundred percent how I intended, because it would show me how they perceive the characters and it would be so cool to have people make stuff for my own crummy works, but like

People probably wouldn’t be interested in such an event, anyway

idk what I’m saying

it’s just that when artfight season kicks up every year, I look at all those people all over the internet having fun with their craft in one big event regardless of fandom, and I feel like Squidward looking out his window in that one SpongeBob meme

And I shouldn’t feel like that. I should support my online artist friends and acquaintances instead, but I’m jealous anyway, and I loathe myself for it

[apassingbird]

.

[lxclerc]

𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 | 𝐜𝐥𝟏𝟔

summary... charles' lonely call breaks your heart further requested... yes! warning... angst pairing... charles leclerc x reader

note... a little drabble requested back in november 2022. i'm so sorry for it being super super super late but if whoever requested it is still here then i hope you enjoy it! feedbacks are very much appreciated and encourages me to write more! extra note... also i'm taking a semester gap year so i will be trying to post more and get through requests so let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!

𝙢𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

you’re exhausted, having just got home from a forty eight hour shift. being a surgical resident is absolute hell and you’re not quite sure how you’re managing but somehow you’d manage to drag yourself back home, frowning as you reach for the light switch only to find the wall empty. 

right. you’re in your own apartment, a place you hadn’t really lived at for months. mostly you’d come here when you needed something but more times than not, you go home to his apartment. it had been your home rather than this sad, lonely place void of his laughter. 

you sigh, letting your bag drop to your thrifted couch. you suddenly wished you’d stayed in the hospital on call room instead of here. being back in this place reminds you of all the things you no longer have, of the person you no longer call yours. 

god the self pity is getting tiring and you’re far too tired for another midnight crying session and so after washing the grime off your skin, you’d settled on your sofa with a bag of chips, flipping on the TV to some trashy american series to drown out your loneliness. 

however, as fate would unfortunately have it, you hadn’t even reached the second episode before your phone started ringing, his smiling face displayed on the screen. you’d frozen on your spot. you remember the exact date you’d taken that photo of him and you still had the ringtone you specifically chose for him. 

you’re haunted, your body full of memories and his fingerprints imprinted in your soul. even now, three weeks, two days and twelve hours since he’d called it off, he still haunts. you wanted to let out a bitter laugh as the ringing stopped. who’s counting right?

you refused to be his lonely call. you might be absolutely miserable and pathetic but you respect yourself enough for that. you won’t be his lonely call just because his friends and his girls are gone. you’d been his six am good morning but you will never be his midnight number whenever he starts wondering if he’d made the wrong choice. 

your phone lights up again but you let it ring. if he had more things to say to you then he can say it after the beep. 

he calls more times after that, keeping you awake as you stare at your ringing phone. a few times, you catch yourself reaching for it, reminding yourself that he’d been the one to make this choice. he’d been the one to make excuses about both your schedules being too much. and it was so unfair how he tormented you for it. this entire thing was unfair. you were willing to give everything to charles. you loved him far too much and you’d been under the impression that he felt the same but if he was willing to give you up so easily, did he really love you as much as he claimed he did?

he’d made his bed and now he needed to get used to sleeping on it. 

it was around two am when he finally stopped calling and you’re sure you’ll have a headache come tomorrow morning from staying up too late. you decide to call it a night and end your self inflicted torture, putting your phone on silent as you turned off the TV and chucked your empty bag of chips in the trash. you were just about to turn off the light when the knock came and you knew without checking exactly who it was. 

you sigh, frozen in your tracks as the knocks became more and more insistent. 

“y/n,” his voice is rough, scratchy as though he’d spent the entire night screaming at the top of his lungs and you felt a tear slip down your cheeks. he sounded so broken. maybe as broken as you felt. “s'il te plaît, mon amour.” please, my love.

you stay rooted to your place. this is unfair. this is so fucking unfair. he’d been the one to give up. charles gave you up. how dare he come crawling to you now? 

“Je suis désolé. Je suis désolé. Je pensais que je pourrais apprendre à moins t'aimer. Tu me manques,” he rambles. “i miss you so fucking much i didn’t even think it was possible, baby.” I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought I could learn to love you less. I miss you.

a sob rocks your body as you fall to the floor, clutching yourself as though you’re trying to hold yourself together. 

“please, baby,” he begs and you can hear the way he’s crying too. “J'ai besoin de toi.” i need you.

and then you open the door. because you loved him too much. because you could never give up on him. 

taglist: @ricsaigaslec @dragon-of-winterfell @coffeehurricanes @privcherry7 @miniminescapist @sebsdaniel @writing-about-current-obsessions @bisexual-desi @cialovessirlewis @multilovebot @lovelynikol16 @troybolton-14 @dr3lover @myescapefromthislife @sunf1owerr @t-nd-rfoot @navixfr

[bairdthereader]

Ben is an evil genius, and I don't mean that in a good way.

(Heads up, this is quite a long post. I hope you'll find it a worthwhile read!)

[Caveat: I do think Ben is a much more complex character than is generally acknowledged, and he brings a lot of important issues to the surface throughout the comics and show. I’ll be writing on that soon. But for today, I’m focusing on one very specific way that Ben interacts with the people around him, so it’s a necessarily narrow view.]

Ben’s brand of evil genius lies in a particularly pernicious variety of emotional intelligence: the ability to identify people’s unique pressure points and hammer them with merciless accuracy. We see this first with Charlie, whose mental and emotional complexities Ben picks out and exploits to manipulate and break Charlie down, keeping himself in a position of control.

Ben insists on secrecy, which we all know is due to his own fear of discovery. But instead of owning up to that fear and discussing it with Charlie (a la Nick and his wish to take time to figure things out), Ben takes Charlie's very specific insecurities and leans on them to ensure Charlie's compliance.

We know from the flashback to their first conversation that Ben is aware of all the bullying Charlie experienced when he was outed, so he likely knows the intricacies of Charlie's pain--being called disgusting, being made to hate himself, being made to feel less than human. Ben barrages Charlie with these messages, just with slightly different language:

"I don't even know who you are." This preys on Charlie's sense of worthlessness, and it's a pressure point that Ben leans on again and again over the course of many public slights. It keeps Charlie feeling small and invisible, which in turn protects Ben from pushback or discovery.

"It's not like anyone else is going to want to go out with you, is it?" Ben knows Charlie was made to feel disgusting in the past, and this comment--which Ben also repeats--triggers those deeply painful, cyclical emotions of self-hatred, and is an attempt to make Charlie feel grateful for Ben's unreliable attention.

"As if anyone would ever want to go out with someone as desperate as you." Ben knows Charlie wants more, that he wants a relationship that means something. Here, he's twisting Charlie's desire for a loving relationship into something repulsive and off-putting, essentially ensuring that Charlie won't attempt to find anyone else.

"You were just there like some tragic loser with barely any friends who ate lunch alone and let bullies walk all over you . . . I just felt really sorry for you." Ben's exploiting Charlie's past feelings of weakness and lack of control by reminding him of the times he felt lowest. Not only this, but he spins his interest in Charlie into a charity case, trying to make Charlie feel as if he only wanted to go out with him out of pity (which we know after the finale of S2 is the thing Charlie worries about most).

But once Charlie starts consistently pushing back—saying he doesn't want to see Ben anymore, literally pushing him away at Harry’s party, the post-race conversation at sports day— and once there’s a watchful guardian in Charlie’s life (Nick) who sees Ben for what he is, Ben switches his attention to Nick. He knows that the worst way he could hurt Charlie, to take away his newfound confidence and power and reinstate Ben’s position of dominance in the relationship (such as it was), is to push Nick away from Charlie.

Ben uses his own experiences of being closeted to identify Nick’s insecurities and poke at them viciously. He knows how emotionally exhausting it can be to hide your true self, and even if he’d never admit at this point in the story that he’s hiding at all, he still recognizes that weariness in Nick and does all he can to increase it.

"Am I not allowed to like girls as well as boys?" This is Ben accusing Nick of being a hypocrite, which is something Nick has been struggling with for months now, though it’s never named as such in the show. He’s been trying to shed his rugby lad persona in favor of his authentic self, but it’s been a challenging and frightening journey during which Nick probably does often feel like a hypocrite, and here’s Ben, blatantly calling it out.

"Does Charlie know you don’t want to come out?" (Which, we have to remember, comes shortly after Ben telling Nick he needs to "stop acting so gay for" Charlie if they're trying to keep their relationship quiet.) I’d argue that this is Ben’s most effective method of attack against Nick, because it encompasses all of Nick’s challenges in one statement: the pressure he’s put on himself to come out, his niggling doubt that Charlie really believes him when he says he wants to come out, the sense that he's harming Charlie with the secrecy.

"You’re just the same as me." Ben knows that Nick is a truly decent person with almost faultless integrity—something for which Ben has no respect but perhaps a bit of deeply buried envy—so he knows he can antagonize Nick with this comparison. He also knows he can do it without fear of significant public retribution, since Nick would never intentionally out Ben, or even retaliate physically since Ben carefully avoids, mostly, directing any significant insults at Charlie himself in these confrontations, which would have been the only thing that might inspire someone as intrinsically good as Nick to lash out.

"What if I said I want Charlie back?" This is a particularly sly attack. Yes, you could argue that Ben is just lashing out in anger or desperation and that this is him grasping at straws, but this is actually the culmination of weeks of mental assault. Ben has gradually upped the ante in each conversation with Nick, chipping away at Nick’s confidence in his bond with Charlie and trying to make himself look like the better option for Charlie. He even finishes up by saying he'd never give Charlie a hickey, something for which Nick already feels intense guilt. Ben knows exactly what he's doing here.

Nick overcomes Ben's strategic attacks partly through personal fortitude, partly through a real understanding of how Ben operates, and partly through the open communication he and Charlie share that builds them both back up again.

Imogen deserves a mention here, too, as Ben exploits her pressure points with cruel ease. Once he’s secured her by being “lovely” to her, he promptly tries to exert the same power dynamics he had with Charlie, breaking her down pressure point by pressure point.

He only shows her affection when the "right" people are looking--mainly people he wants to impress, or people he wants to hurt, like Nick and Charlie. This is just as damaging, in its own way, as the secrecy he insisted on with Charlie, especially for someone as starved for affection as Imogen often seems to be (her pressure point).

Imogen desperately wants to be loved and accepted. In almost every interaction she has on screen, she’s trying to find her place, something Ben certainly sees (especially since there’s a deeply buried part of him that wants the same thing), and then exploits. Ben is openly neglectful of Imogen several times, especially on the Paris trip, showing her how little he cares while simultaneously attempting to make her feel grateful for the moments of attention she does get from him. Then, when he tells her that her desire to get a lock for the bridge is lame (just one example of this behavior), he’s casting himself as the ultimate judge and jury of her wants and needs, another power play.

As we know, this backfires pretty epically when Imogen throws all of his manipulations back in his face in one of the best breakup monologues on film. Ah, the satisfaction.

As Tao so succinctly and accurately described it, Ben has stinky energy. It’s the evil genius oozing out.

[ms-cartoon]

Now see? What I tell ya? What. Did. I. Tell. Y'all!

I knew they we're gonna do this! What I say, "instead of Stolas being in the wrong for how he treats Blitzo, they're gonna make the latter the bad guy for how he "treats" Stolas. Because blah blah blah, Blitzo doesn't love Stolas back, blah blah he's not considerate of Stolas's feelings for him, blah blah he's being mean, blah blah, he needs to give Stolas a chance."

This is what I said on my post about the trailer

There is so much that needs to be said about this episode, for now however, I need to discuss this little conversation turned argument between the fandom's main couple

A little off-topic, but first of all, I really don't like how Blitzo's feelings for Stolas are retconned in between seasons. He went from hating Stolas and dreading a night of sex with him to actually sort of liking him and being so afraid that Stolas might be bored with him that he'll figure out ways to impress him with a bunch of sex toys. Him worrying about how complicated it is with Stolas, being nervous and giddy about how the meeting is gonna turn out? Being excited about having a night of sex with him and thinking dirty thoughts?? I can't tell if it's just Blitzo being perverted and horny or what, but it doesn't feel right. It's like these two switched roles or something.

Cuz where the hell did all this come from???

We don't even get a scene with them after the Ozzie's incident. Blitzo just told Stolas to screw off before driving away that episode, and there was NO conversation about it! It was a whole "Now you see it, now you don't" after 3 episodes with the aftermath being through text instead of in-person.

It made it seem like Blitzo was just DONE with Stolas while reluctantly pursuing the agreement.

Now the show is just in and out with them acting like boyfriends to them feeling awkward and distant. Like Viv, Adam, whoever is in charge of writing these relationships-- pick a lane!!

Anyway, back to the topic

Like everyone has been saying that I 100% agree with, Stolas is just a self-insert of Vivziepop: As soon as Viv is called out by us critiques, she'll throw a fit, cry, and resent us because we don't like her or her show (or we do like the show to some degree, it's just lacking the potential that it needs), and we're saying things about her that she doesn't like (despite them being true), therefore, she won't hold accountability for these things. And this is how Stolas is acting. Blitzo is calling him out, Stolas doesn't like it despite it being true and he turns it around on Blitzo for thinking so negatively of him, and won't admit when he's wrong.

Is Viv doing this on purpose? I'm starting to feel like she knows what she's doing here?

What really grinds my gears is when after Blitzo tells him off, Stolas tears up, being the dramatic pity me crybaby BITCH that he is, and says this--

"I wanted you for so long. The fact that you couldn't believe that I might have these feelings about you, that your first instinct is- that it's always about sex. That's enough to know what this is."

I know he didn't- ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME!! That is literally THE MOST hypocritical thing he's ever said since he's existed in this show. I know I shouldn't be shocked at this point, but I am just so APPALLED that I want to laugh (I'm laughing right now). I had to hear that line more than two times to make sure I wasn't deaf when he said that.

So he mentions Blitzo not believing that he might have feelings for him the entire time, almost as if he's shocked by this. "Oh my gosh! I can't believe you don't believe that I'm in love with you!" Have you really given him any reason to believe you might be in love with him, Stolas??? Literally the first thing that came to mind when you two see each other for the first time as adults was, "You came here to ravish me, did you?" You sure as hell weren't loving him then! In what moment have you shown you might be in love him? And I don't want anybody bringing up any kind of excuse from season 2. Season 2 is a whole ass retcon anyway and Stolas's "love" for Blitzo just developed outta nowhere from ep 7 of season 1 to now. So none of it counts.

And then you have THIS part of the line--

"The fact that you think it's always about sex when I'm actually i'm love you."

No you stupid bitch!! That's you!

And then there's this---

"I didn't realize you thought so lowley if me."

Do I even need to explain anything to prove this how false these lines are??? Of course not! Cuz I feel like it should be obvious at this point. So instead, I'll put my "Reasons why I hate Stolas" post.

I swear, it's like the writers suddenly decided they wanna switch roles on these two. Where Stolas feels like Blitzo is messing with his feelings and Blitzo is the horny bastard who doesn't actually care about love when really it's the other way around on both ends. I swear this whole confrontation was thought out so poorly. Viv (or whoever is in charge of writing this EP) clearly doesn't keep track of what goes on in her shows. Or maybe she does, but she just doesn't care, and just changes things so that the story turns out the way she wants it without being logical about it. Stolas saying something like, "Your first instinct is sex." or "How can you not believe I'm not in love with you?" To Blitzo? It makes no sense!! Because sex was always on HIS mind!! HE hasn't shown ANY genuine love that didn't involve sex. So he shouldn't have ANY room to be judging Blitzo. They're whole relationship and the way that it is now; that's all STOLAS'S fault. Sure, Blitzo kind of started it so it's on him too, but Stolas was the one that pursued it despite Blitzo making it very clear he didn't like him. Not to mention he's been manipulative towards him.

I swear, I'm so done with Stolas. He better not pull this shit on his daughter istg. Ur feeling all sad cuz Blitzo doesn't live u back. Cry me a river you poor excuse for a father!

And I can't believe there are some fans out there that are siding with him too. Normally I wouldn't care what fans would think cuz sometimes, there's no changing their mind. But it's like . . . Did we watch the same show??

[groenendaelfic]

Hey,

haven't seen you around a lot lately. Just writing to check in. how is it going? Wish you a nice evening

it is going, thank you for asking!

Life has been very busy these past few months but is moving in a hopefully good and definitely exciting direction.

In this particular order (if memory serves correctly) I've:

decided to move halfway across the continent

marked the one year anniversary of the worst time of my life

had other people mark the one year anniversary of the worst time of my life with all that entails

quit my job (I'd been planning that for a while)

had my boss and hr offer to let me go instead and half my notice period to two months (aka 'give' me more money and facilitate my move, yay pity)

started looking for a place to live and organizing my move

found a new job in a slightly different corner of halfway across the continent (I start July 1st)

got my request for citizenship approved (epic timing guys)

found a place to live in an awesome area (I will be able to do all my errands on foot and my new job is only a short bike ride away)

told everyone I was leaving for sure

signed the paperwork to have my uncle in law take over the place here

had my cousin offer to move my stuff with his remodeled fire engine in exchange for gas and (bridge) tolls

did all the paperwork in the universe ever

started saying my goodbyes for now (I still have lots of family and friends etc here so I'll be back a lot)

had my cousin tell me he'd make a bro trip out of the move because his friends really wanted to see a basic bridge, and room and board plus no girls was all the compensation they needed for getting to carry my boxes

said thanks but no thanks to citizenship (sorry Wille, you'll always be my King)

was asked if I minded the move taking a bit longer because the guys wanted to stop for totally unplanned soccer (a not insignificant part of their motivation if not a deciding factor I dare say)

did more move and job leaving planning and paperwork

welcomed, fed and watered a bunch of guys really into soccer bridges and very disappointed I didn't have more boxes they could compete carrying

prepared a big lunch basket and said goodbye to said guys and my boxes

sat down to write this list wondering where I should celebrate midsummer (aka do I want to travel back and forth to get everything ready or stay until it's time to hand in my work laptop etc)

Phew, yes. Also a million other things which won't come to mind right now. Thank you to everyone who left me such kind messages btw. I appreciate them so much but am still learning to respond to kindness and compliments without awkwardness. They nevertheless give me life.

In more interesting news to everyone here I've also done a lot of writing.

Mostly on One Wild Summer, which has already grown into a monster, but I've been writing the exciting parts later on and still guesstimate a 15k or so stretch which needs bridging to get to all the fun stuff I've already written.

but also on The Prince and the Barista and As Long as We Have Each Other. I only need to make it coherent and once again fill the gap to where I stopped posting.

plus *cue exasperated sighs* I'm also 9k+ into a new fic! The (once more) absolutely most self-indulgent thing I've ever written in this fandom and something I swore I never would turn into a proper fic. Expect the prologue for that (which was meant to be 500 words and not 5k) soonish.

Everything else including regular updates not before mid to late July though I think. Because moving and starting a new job and life means busy times and while I can write scribble down connected sentences with half a mind, I can't beta read and edit with half a mind.

tl;dr: I am still writing yr fic and haven't abandoned my fics, but am also busy moving. goodbye cloudberries and lingonberries, hello wineberries vineyards and appleberries apple orchards.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Ahh it's the last day of 2023 already?

I am expecting a call from a friend although the possibility of this happening is very slim it always felt nice to hear the voice of an old friend ( I'm not a text person I've realised this over time but I am stuck to be a text person) .

I can't wait for spring to come in 2024 , spring provides an intense amount of healing to my soul.

The next four months are very crucial in my life if they go well I can survive the rest of the year, I have died a couple of times this year and I am amazed that I am alive i didn't honestly thought i would make it to the end of this year ( especially in the last 3 months , I badly needed help but i didn't wanted others to pity me so i spoke to none about it ) anyways I don't want to talk about it , i don't want to make it sound blue than it already is,a i am really sorry about the fact all my posts are blue I sincerely wish it wasn't that way( altho i haven't posted anything here with as much as devotion I use to do , partly cuz i created an Instagram acc but that's not all reason I ve been sad nonetheless) and sorry for all the "anon/asks" that i haven't answered

I have made no achievements this year and there is little to no progress towards my self love or self growth, but I think that's okay I can do it in the upcoming year, time flies so quick i can't believe Its been so many years since I was 16 I miss being 16 honestly I had more in me back then than i have now , i have lost of confidence my vision and my smile over the years it's as if I am very different person now , i certainly wish I wasn't this way i really thought i would be so much more and better in my early 20s but it is what it is , acceptance is haredest of all emotions in my opinion , you know things are harder to accept when you know you could have done better .

Just like in the last 2 years even this year I didn't make any real life friends with whom I can hang out with i think it's partly due to the fact some people are destined to be alone and I am afraid to admit I am one of them , I did make 2 online friends this year .

I don't want to share any life lessons i learnt this year but if there is something i would love to share is choose yourself one more time each time you feel it's the last time you are doing it , choose one more time to live,one more time to hope, one more time to have faith , one more time to start again [ the fact I am the one telling you this is rediciculosly funny ] .

Unlike most people i don't have a lot of goals for the new year I just got things i want to avoid ( idk if that's the same thing?) Avoid my leftover heart's heartbreak, avoiding what takes away my peace, avoiding what can cause me discomfort, avoiding things that make me question myself ( in any negative way) ,i think that's a little too much but that's it .

As I was writing this Google photos sent me a notification saying " 3 years back today with a photo of mine " and it broke my heart a little, now I am questioning myself how did i let so much happen to me , I wish I treated certain things as the last time instead of always stupidly believing in future ( my worse trait yes).

There is a lot to say as always, i wonder if I open my mouth i would never stop sharing things that go inside my mind , but i also know there is no use of it if i can't find people who can understand it , maybe that's how I end up ranting here .

Not to mention I love people who are patient, i believe in the near future i would only like to talk with people who could be patient with me and with my silence . I believe everyone deserves people who can be patient with them .

Nothing really matters in the end but at the same time everything you do matters ❤️‍🩹

[ach-sss-no]

SH liveblog ch 3

First chapter & explanation | Previous chapter

Boromir 🏯💪💍😲

I remembered I still have the outline I used for this fic on my PC! (I used yWriter if you were wondering- it's a free and somewhat stripped-down Scrivener-alike.) From now on when making these posts I'm going through and writing commentary on the chapter first, and then going back, looking at the outline, and adding anything from it that's of interest. Such as maybe the scene titles for each chapter. This one is just:

My yWriter project file also includes deleted scenes! Here are two fragments that appear to possibly go along with chapter 1, or maybe they were just cut at random and plopped at the beginning of my fragment pile, I don't know. I'm posting them here because I missed them in the other posts and because there's nothing deleted from Chapter 3 to put here instead.

Here is the reward I would suggest for you, Sméagol, and I suspect that others beside myself have already thought of it and had it in mind for you, because you have been given the means to achieve it when that ought not to have been possible. Once your body has recovered, if it can be seen that your mind has recovered as well, as far as it can be, and you are no longer a danger, you should be turned loose to go where you will, without the burden of searching and hiding and sneaking. Without such burdens wandering can be rather pleasant, but I suppose you will find a home for yourself eventually, and I suspect it will be by the Anduin, for you still love pools and streams and in your heart you long for the River. If you turn up elsewhere… you will be noticed. Of course you would be welcome to stay here if you wish but I suspect that a city of Men is not your first choice for a home. If it is decided that you cannot be trusted to have liberty, you will be placed somewhere you can be guarded, and you will have comfort, but not freedom. In either case you will not be punished for your past crimes, for you have been punished already. Does that suit you?" "It will be a different River," Gollum lamented. Gandalf looked at him from under his bushy brows. "It takes longer to change a river than it does to change a hobbit. It will look more like its old self than you do, and it will still be there when you are finally gone. It has outlived the Ring already."

I don't remember at what point I cut this, or why. I think it was early on and I just cut it for flow. But it's a good thing I did, because, spoilers, Gollum DOES choose to stay in Minas Tirith and this bit would have been a distracting red herring.

"Farewell," said Frodo. A dreamy horror came into his eyes as the big Man left, and Sam went and sat close beside him. "No one will ever be fond of him, Sam," he said. "He must know it. He must know he will never be loved. He will never have anything better than pity." "He ought to be grateful for pity, I'd say," said Sam. "It's better than he deserves." For a selfish moment he wished he had let Gollum fall into the volcano, but he knew he had done the right thing- how much worse would kind Mr. Frodo feel if the old sneak had destroyed himself? Even if Frodo might also secretly wish to be rid of him, surely he would not wish to be rid of him that way. "Besides, that Big Person was putting himself out an awful lot for Sméagol, I don't think he could rightly tell that he's not fond of him." "He knows," Frodo murmured.

I don't know where this would have fit in, but I never used Sam's POV in the finished version so it's obvious why it's not in!

And now, for the third chapter for real this time!

I haven't generally been reading the author's notes but this one caught my eye:

Notes:

Eardwulf is an Old English name I grabbed from the Internet. I am fully open to suggestions if anyone has more appropriate names in mind. He's supposed to be vaguely related to people from Rohan because he's good with animals and such, and Rohan has the Old English-ish names... also... Old English names can be easily picked from lists on the Internet...

Yeah this is the chapter where the OC came to life and grabbed me by the throat it was great

The name of the chapter is 'a small thing'- I usually don't like my chapter names. They're kind of random, but this one was more intentional, this one is an allusion to Boromir calling both Gollum and the Ring a 'small thing' in the books.

Chapter starts with Gollum discovering that he's been ignoring the personhood of everyone around him but they aint ignoring him. He's listening to people talk outside his sickroom and has discovered that they're complaining about him.

Gollum was prone to bite and struggle if he was startled, and if he could not bite he complained, and he soon discovered that he was not well liked by all of those who tended him. Which he had expected to be the case all along, of course, but hearing it aloud was a bit different from merely expecting it. [...] The next time he bit, he burst into tears after as if he had been the one injured. "I can't help it," he shrieked, near hysterics, "I can't help it, your hand was in my face, and it moved like a mouse, it did, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." [...] the Men had given up on him not biting, which troubled Gollum a great deal, though he could not have explained why. It was in fact true that he had not intended to bite, and yet he had- and that troubled him too.

Gollum is forming a desire to be more personable only to discover that he has less control over his behavior than he realized. Interesting. He tries not eavesdropping but then a loud man turns up:

"I have been told that Sméagol is housed on this floor." The voice sounded faintly familiar, but he could not put a name or face to it. He knew that the speaker must be large and tall, from the deepness of the voice and the heaviness of his footfalls, although it sounded as if he was also favoring one leg, and there was the clunk of a cane.

This is Boromir. He took an arrow to the knee. And he's faintly familiar because Gollum has stalked him before (when following the Fellowship out of Moria).

It was the voice of a woman who sometimes brought him food, now that he could eat unassisted and no longer needed to be handled by strong Men with thick gloves in order to be fed.

I don't know whether this comes across, but the development of a regular food-delivery person who is not a judo expert or big buff guy entering Gollum's room (alone) is meant to signal that Gollum's been judged by someone in authority to be safe enough that normal people can interact with him and not be murdered.

"If you wish to speak to him, I would humbly suggest that you return an hour after dusk, when he has woken and had a meal. At such times he becomes almost docile.""

but he's still a bit of a pain

"I wish to see him," said the Man's voice. "But I am not certain I wish to speak with him. Perhaps a look will be enough. Will it wake him to open the door? I don't wish to disturb him." Gollum pulled the covers over his head so that he could not be seen.

Gollum assumes he's probably in trouble so he's hiding. Boromir comes in and remarks on how tiny he is.

"It is one thing to be bested in willpower by the likes of Sam and Frodo, but this!" There was something approaching awe in his voice, mixed with a note of despair.

Boromir has complicated reasons for wanting to see Gollum that have little to do with who Gollum is as a person. I think they're all left to be inferred and never outright stated.

He asks to schedule a conversation later (as Gollum has successfully pretended to be asleep)

The woman Boromir was talking to comes back later to feed Gollum. (She is later named, by the way, because she kept coming back and being a character. I was wrong! I thought Eardwulf from the author's note was the first Hello I Am a Guy in this story, but Galil slipped in ahead of him. She stealthed right past me even now.)

I'm quoting the whole conversation because I'm intrigued by it:

"All gone," he said meekly. "A nice morssel, that, precious! [She gave him chicken, which I'm no longer sure is the 'right' food for what's available in the setting but it's too late to change it now.] And they have even taken out the little boneses that break and splinter. So kind to a wretched old creature." [...] The woman stood up and took the tray in her hands. "The Lord Boromir wishes to speak to you later on," she said, rather stiffly. [...] "You will be taken for a bath shortly, and then you shall be given proper dress." [...] "You look weary," she said. [Gollum hasn't been able to sleep since overhearing Boromir's conversation] "Not very weary," he said. The woman still stood there, looking quite torn, and then she said: "I beg thee, speak fair words to Lord Boromir, a man who has suffered much." "Yes, yes!" Gollum had no idea who this Man was or what he might want to say to him, but he was at the mercy of these- what had the nice hobbit called them the other day? Big People? That suited very well. It was just easiest to agree with whatever they said. The woman finally left.

It sounds as if Galil takes some pity on Gollum and interest in his condition because she notices that he's tired, but she seems to find him unpleasant as well and is afraid he will be cruel to Boromir, who she holds in high regard.

Gollum is polite but he's not sounding very sincere.

Cut to some time later, we are going to talk to Boromir, and here's Eardwulf:

"Your strength returns, otter-halfling," said the Man carrying him. "What?" Gollum snapped. "What did you calls me?"

I don't know if the connection is explicitly pointed out, but later, in one of the backstory flashbacks, we are going to see that Sméagol's grandmother called him her otter-lad. I don't know if he consciously remembers that but he seems to resent this near-stranger being so familiar with him.

"You cling," said the Man. "Like a tree-frog." "Yes, yes, Sméagol clings, precious," Gollum said, "like- what- frogses?" [...] "You cling with strength. I shall not drop you." "No, no, he will not drop us," said Gollum, and did not relax his grip, nor did he realize the implication was that he ought to. [...] The Man held him a little tighter, and shifted one hand to better support Gollum's back, which made his perch feel more secure. He relaxed his grip a tiny bit without realizing it.

Boromir's shocked to see Gollum carried in. I think my intention here was that Boromir has been sort of kept in the dark about Gollum and his condition because Aragorn thinks his preoccupation with Gollum is not healthy and didn't want him to visit. So Boromir is surprised that Gollum is considered invalid enough to carry around and a little horrified at the thought that maybe he's not up for this and no one was willing to tell Boromir no, but Eardwulf puts him at ease.

"You're trembling!" Boromir exclaimed. "I mean no harm to you. But how can I expect you to trust me? Your limbs are as splinters next to mine. I am told you have had little cause to rejoice in your past encounters with my kind and that you barely understand what you have done or why our treatment of you has changed." He ran a huge hand over his face. A wild light of wonder was in his eyes. "Small in body but great in mischief, I called you; great in willpower, I should say."

Boromir is completely redoing all of his expectations of what Gollum would be like on the fly as this conversation is happening (starting with noticing how scared Gollum is.) I think if Boromir survived LOTR he would have trauma around scaring hobbits. He's real anxious to reassure the murderhobo.

oh and I see I referenced the canon line this chapter was named after. in case you missed it. in case I was too subtle by quoting it directly and putting it in the chapter title

Eardwulf did not at once set him down. "My lord," he said, "Sméagol has some trouble of the glands, by which I mean he sweats profusely, or exudes something which is like sweat, and is prone to leave damp patches whenever he is allowed to rest on furniture."

I forgot about the thing where I decided Gollum would make all furniture icky due to seepage. I. I can't defend it. I just think it's funny.

"It is a clean damp patch," said Gollum, raising his head. "We have just had a bath."

This is sort of inspired- if not outright cribbed- from a description of selkie children in Island of the Aunts by Eva Ibbotson.

Eardwulf stood up straight, stoic in face. "Ought I to stay or go, my lord?" "I was not planning to discuss anything secret," said Boromir. "What say you, Sméagol?"

Boromir has probably taken the cue that Gollum does better with a handler but might be offended if the issue is pushed too hard.

Gollum looked pleadingly at Eardwulf. He could not make up his mind to ask him to stay, but he did not want to tell him to leave either. "He may do what he likes," he faltered.

Here's, I think, the first time in the fic that Gollum draws comfort from someone's presence and is made to become aware that that's what he's doing (I don't count his frantic obsession with Frodo because it's based more on Gollum's neurosis than on an authentic relationship with Frodo).

Knowing what I have come to learn about Eardwulf he is a crazy man Sméagol's pleading look probably turns his heart to mush.

Sam probably lied, Gollum thought, he does not like us.

This is becoming a recurring theme, that every time someone mentions knowing Gollum by reputation he jumps to 'Someone was spreading rumors that I'm the worst person alive'. I don't think I intentionally set up an arc here, it just sort of came together, but it DOES have a payoff later! I need to remember to point that out when I see it.

"Not a vampire, eh?" "No. Perhaps you are a very short waterfay."

This was the closest thing I could find to a mermaid in Tolkien canon (according to the wiki) (I am no Tom Shippey.) Yeah we have legit vampires that are called vampires but I guess we don't have mermaids

Gollum studied his face. Eardwulf did not look as if he was joking, but then, he never did.

Gollum has a weird relationship with humor in this fic. Part of the reason why he gets along with Eardwulf and Boromir is because they either tell very dry jokes or no jokes at all. Boromir is completely respectful throughout this conversation and makes not a single wry comment.

The conversation continues. Boromir is on a fishing expedition with someone who's reluctant to talk about himself (and Gollum is in this moment coming off as honestly shy). Boromir eventually hits on the subject of Gollum's relationship with orcs. This draws him out, so Boromir pursues it.

"I have long been a military man," said Boromir, "and I have fought orcs almost since I could hold a sword. It must take great cunning for one such as you to evade them for so long, even with the item you held. You must know their ways well."

This is meant to be a touch of subtle flattery intended really only to keep Gollum talking that then turns to a genuine respect for how much he knows when he does keep talking.

"Taken apart lotses of them," Gollum said without thinking, "gollum! Nice orcses," for second breakfast had been delayed far longer than he would have chosen at this point. To him it seemed as if a thick silence fell, waiting to be shattered like glass. (It may have in fact been true that both of the Men knew full well what the diet had been of this thing that had slashing fangs and would only eat raw meat, and it was something quite apart from their calm faces that made Gollum suddenly feel defiled and judged.)

Gollum's self-awareness must be improving because in the last chapter Bilbo said something confrontational about eating babies and Gollum's only response was 'lol wut'

The conversation wraps up (Boromir points out that Gollum is probably hungry. Gollum can probably be expected to be hungry at nearly any point in time so it's possible Boromir was just done talking and being tactful)

If Boromir noticed that Gollum seemed a little more relaxed- his eyes not bulging quite so much as before and the frantic sobbing sounds in his throat less frequent- it is likely that he guessed nothing of these thoughts, and only thought that Gollum had begun to get used to him. This was perhaps also true.

Gollum feels more at ease now because he still hasn't grasped that he's being doctored and fed out of kindness that requires nothing in exchange, he has been wondering when he'll need to pay up, and now he's thinking the Men want information which he has and will readily give. I think I should have established a little more that Gollum is still expecting to be required to repay Aragorn for his room and board, it seems to be 'dropped' at times.

Gollum turned and crawled onto Eardwulf's knees. Eardwulf had been quite silent throughout all of this. Now he took the hint at once and gathered Gollum into his arms, standing up.

He's even gotten more comfortable being carried around now than he was at the beginning of the chapter.

They proceeded down the hall, and as Eardwulf stepped onto the stairs he said: "Was all of that true? About the orcs?" "Yes. We do not lie anymore now," Gollum said, with a touch of coolness. "Sméagol is good as water now, he is. Honest Sméagol." He might lie a little if he had to. If he had to. He did not recall ever having lied to Eardwulf, however, and he resented the implication that he had.

Gollum canonically goes nuclear when he tells the truth for once and someone doesn't believe him.

[thejhazfiles]

Student Diaries #1: The Constant Comparison Dilemma

Last week, I was exploring college campuses and weighing my options. However, whenever I open my for-you-page in Instagram, I always can’t help but feel down. Everyone is accomplishing amazing things while I still feel left behind. It’s like everyone knows what they’re doing but me. Every post and reel, the constant nagging thought of me being the only one struggling with their goals always consumes me. In the end, I fall to the doom-scroll and self-pity hole.

It’s a never-ending miserable cycle. You think you feel fine at first, but then you see a post of a loud influencer telling you to do this and that. They tell you to always be on the grind—to keep up the hustle culture or else you failed your ancestors. That isn’t to say loud posts are all you see in the media, but there are gentle ones too. However once you’re deep in that cycle, those very same gentle posts become a stab in the chest. What’s meant to be a comforting and encouraging hug, just suffocates you instead.

"I already rested and procrastinated multiple times, why should rest be productive for me? I don’t deserve that reward yet."

Yet that thought itself is a lie. Everyone deserves proper rest regardless. Your procrastination? It looks like rest but it’s just stagnation that turns into regret. Actual rest energizes you, procrastination demotivates you. It’s so easy to say "just keep up the momentum" and "be consistent" but it’s still so easy to fall back into it regardless. The more it repeats, the more it brings you down. It eventually forms the belief that you can’t be able to do it -- that maybe you aren’t meant for it. The thought of not living up to your ideal self and who you’re meant to become is enough to ruin a person.

I am someone who still struggles with it. I promised to post weekly when starting this account, and I didn’t live up to that. Right now, I’m second-guessing myself as I write this post. That this doesn’t deserve to be heard, that what I have to say isn’t insightful, and that I have no right to be here especially as I didn’t live up to what I expected for myself.

But then I read this substack article that said:

"Seneca said, "While we are postponing, lifespeeds by."

They understood that waiting too long was a form of self-abandonment.

You want to honor your potential?

Stop waiting for the stars to align.

They won't. Move anyway."

That passage of text alone got me to start moving and type this entry. To keep up that pace and become who you want to be, we have to forgive ourselves right now and accept who we are. We have to embrace all the flaws, failures, and the label of not being enough. If we want to move unto the new version of ourselves, we must forgive and accept the old. To forgive means to be present, instead of indulging in self-abandonment.

It all sounds so cliché and simple. Another case of easier to say than done, and I admit it really is. Forgiveness and acceptance take time. Practicing them in small moments is crucial, but it also makes them all the more difficult. Now I’m not saying all this to demotivate you and myself, I’m just stating the reality of how it is for me. I’m still learning to overcome this in a world that glorifies hustle culture.

Last week, I was traveling to see the campuses of colleges I could go to. It’s a bit terrifying but it’s exciting. But this experience also forced me to take time off of my phone, and boyy it felt so much better. I didn’t have to face another person loudly or gently sharing how to be better. I didn’t have to look at another post to compare myself to and think "I’m so left behind…"

Social media demands attention, and most of the time it forces your attention away from yourself. It forces you to look at others as it fuels its algorithm to keep you glued to the screen. This cycle? Keeps you stuck and it is not a pretty situation to be in.

So if ever you find yourself in this position, just as I was? Take a break from all social media. Lock it. Log off. If you want to? Delete it. Then explore. Do the things you love. Do the things you once hated but want to try again. Experience life. Love again even!

You don’t need to be perfect or accomplished to be loved and cared for. If you want to become the person you want, start giving yourself what you need right now. Otherwise, how else can you continue your journey and achieve your goals if you’re starved of your needs?

Don’t talk to yourself like you’re nothing. Talk to yourself like an encouraging friend and a gentle parent. Furthermore, let go of that idealised version you have of yourself. Even the most perfect version of us will have their bad days. If we want to become them, we must accept their most flawed being. When all is said and done, it’s your growth that matters most. Not others', just yours. So, I’m learning to grow—not for perfection, but for peace.

——

To those who stayed, thank you for reading! Once again, I greatly apologise for the inconsistent posts. However, I came up with this during all that time lost and I hope you gained something from it.

Lastly, shoutout to the substack post that helped me:

Give this a read as well. I swear, it’s worth your time as it was mine.

See you all next week! Hopefully...hehe

[dujour13]

During my little holiday I wanted to get back in touch with my main muses and wrote some Act I stuff, just messing around with a different kind of pacing. I might insert it into L&C but it would take some retrofitting so just throwing it out here while I decide.

Warning - it's long, 2000 words under the cut. No one is under any obligation to read this 😂

Cross-legged on his narrow bed in the Defender’s Heart, using his flipped-over guitar as a writing desk, Siavash sat staring into the distance. The last few dozen letters he’d written to Kristov had ended up in the fireplace instead of the post, tearstained and torn up for shame. He didn’t even know how to open this one. “Dear Kristov” was too cold, “My dearest” worse, and no diplomatic training could prepare him for how to break terrible news to an ex he was supposed to be over. Tears of grief, frustration and no small measure of self-pity burned his eyes as he restarted for the third time.

He pressed his thumbs to his eyes and asked himself once again whether he really needed to write personally, knowing even as he did that there was no getting out of it. The Ambassador’s attaché had been a good friend to both of them; surely letting Kristov find out about her death without a word from him would be cruel. Yet every time he set pen to parchment he caught himself wanting to spill his whole heart.

I don’t understand why everyone’s dead and I’m not. I’m wounded and it won’t heal. Demons have besieged the city. It’s cold in Mendev and all they drink is terrible beer. I’m alone. I’m scared.

I miss you.

Maybe what he really missed was someone intimate enough to complain to. It had been two years since they separated and it wouldn’t be fair to put all this on Kristov. He needed to fight the urge to write things that would hurt or upset him, just as he had when writing to his own family about his wonderful adventures in Mendev.

For someone with no shortage of friends and even less difficulty making them, it was surprising how empty he could feel at times, especially haunted by the faces of his friends and colleagues who had died in the demon attack. What a merry band of Andorens they would all have made, leading the city defense like itinerant heroes, bonding over the bad beer and the glaring example Daeran made of the dangers of nepotism. And oh, how he would be fawned over with his strange (and still quite painful) wound.

Instead, the awful task fell to him to write letters to their friends and families bearing tidings that would destroy them. And here he was, still alive for no good reason.

Hovering, his pen let a black drop spill onto “My dearest.”

Stupid. He was over Kristov, as much as could be expected. It was just a childish need to be felt sorry for. He gave himself a wan, condescending smile. Just write the damn letter, play a sad song, cry a little and buck up. There are things to do.

Just when he had it under control, the Count walked right into his room and tossed his coat on the other bed like it was his own. “Weeping again?”

“Lamenting what’s become of the last of Mendev’s great families,” he returned with a brittle smile, shoving the parchment aside. “That bed’s occupied. You’re just helping yourself to it?”

“I am indeed moving in. Don’t take it personally; I’ve rather had my fill of sappy Desnans.” He patted his stomach and grimaced as if he’d overdone it on the sweet rolls. “In fact, what would it take to get you to push the beds together and clear out? Your former roommate went for six months’ salary. He’s sleeping on the floor in the common room for that and the dignity of the realm, so that my precious person should not suffer calumny.”

“I thought heaping calumny on your family name was your favorite pastime,” said Siavash. “Anyway no luck, Daeran. I’m wounded. I’m keeping my bed.”

The Count gave an annoyed sigh. “Fine. Well, I suppose one learns to make do in a siege. Go ahead and push the beds together, if you’re so keen.”

“You’ll have to find someone else in need of a couple months’ salary I’m afraid. You know, the more you open your mouth the more you reinforce my opinions on hereditary wealth.” Siavash grabbed his guitar and headed for the stairs in search of more agreeable company.

“Opinions we happen to share,” laughed Daeran behind him.

As he padded down to the common room in his stocking feet he was only half aware that he was seeking a certain charcoal-blue face in the crowd, someone he was sure could cheer him up.

There he was—the tiefling Woljif, chatting animatedly with Father Rathimus in the corner. Selling the priest something at a siege mark-up, no doubt. But just as Siavash headed that direction, Seelah beckoned loudly from the bar. “Hey, if it isn’t the best bard in the house.”

“And the worst,” he winked. He glanced again at the tiefling across the room, who quickly shifted his gaze away when their eyes met, but not without a spontaneous brightening of the smile he was putting to work on the priest.

“Need something to grease the wheels before you get started?” Seelah signaled the bartender.

He hesitated. Not only did he balk at the beer, he would rather trade tall tales with Woljif than play a set, although the tiefling seemed occupied anyway. Still, Seelah’s grin was hard to resist. “Sure, thanks.”

She passed him a mug. “Boy am I glad some god or other tossed a bard into the mix. Gotta keep morale up for another couple days until we can mop up the Gray Garrison.”

“I’m not sure I feel so lucky,” he chuckled, forcing down a mouthful. “Glad I can do my humble part though.”

“Ha, you mean besides brandishing an angelic sword at the head of the heroic city defense?”

“Come on, all I’ve been doing is aiming everybody else in the right direction and shouting encouragement from behind you.”

Seelah winked. “Got news for you. That’s what leaders do.”

“Hey chief, you gonna play a tune?” He hadn’t even seen the tiefling make his way over to the bar but there he was, wearing a surprisingly unguarded expression, tail flicking eagerly.

“I was thinking about it,” Siavash said, suddenly much more interested in playing than he’d been a few minutes ago. “Looks like this crowd could use some cheering up.”

“You oughtta charge,” Woljif said. The shifty, calculating look was suddenly back. “Or at least pass the hat around afterwards.”

Siavash laughed. The man was a paradox. At times undisguised innocence, like looking forward to a little music or demanding an apology from Sister Kerismei, and at other times three steps ahead of everyone devising a scheme to lighten someone’s purse. “With a captive audience that’s likely to damage my popularity,” he said. “Unless I pledge the coin to a charity reconstruction fund or something.”

The tiefling’s eyes lit up. “Hells, you’re good at this, chief. Sit tight, I’ll find you a hat.”

He settled on an empty mug instead of a hat. After the first set Siavash saw him making the rounds and decided not to say anything about it, just to see where it was headed. Thus as he sat with Seelah choking down another beer he was surprised when Woljif came back and threw a leg over the bench next to him, carefully pouring the jingling contents of the mug onto the table and sweeping the coins together with both hands, eyes glittering.

“Whaddaya say, chief? Good catch. So I was thinkin’, I’ll set aside fifty percent for the charity and cut you in ten.”

“And the other forty?” he asked out of curiosity, just to see what the tiefling would say.

“Overhead.” Woljif waved a dismissive hand.

“Where are you planning on setting aside the charity money? Under the floorboards?”

“Nah, I’ll invest it. Great opportunities with the city in this condition.” And Woljif proceeded to explain how fresh food transport was currently at a standstill except for a few more intrepid ox-drivers—by which he meant smugglers—who could be prevailed upon to make the risky journey given a sufficient injection of capital.

Siavash listened rapt. Woljif seemed to “know a guy who knew a guy” for just about anything and could turn a profit on a minimum of risk all while getting desperately needed food into the city center.

Not to mention the way the corner of his mouth curled appealingly in a conspiratorial smile, and the way his eyes shone excitedly in the lamplight as he talked. Although some might see in his yellow irises the touch of the Abyss, Siavash saw only a golden gleam of intelligence and that occasional surprising softness. Hope. An eagerness he kept forgetting to hide.

Which in turn brought out Siavash’s most reassuring manner, his gentle yet soul-penetrating smile that said What is good in you is safe with me. And what isn’t strictly good too. He watched him count out the coins, sorting them into small stacks, and wondered if he’d already pocketed a handful or two of “overhead,” but also, interestingly, whether this “investment” could actually help keep the halted economy of the city alive until the demons could be chased out.

Just one detail. “Sounds good. Except I think ten is a little low for doing all the heavy lifting.”

Woljif looked up from his stacks of coins and searched his gaze, eyes narrowing slightly.

“All right, chief. Twenty-five, that suit you?”

“That’ll do. In fact, I’ll tell you what—keep it and invest it for me.”

There was that look again: clear-eyed and hopeful. “You can count on me, chief. I’ll double it for you.”

“You’re trying to pull a profit in a city under siege?” Seelah huffed, knocking her mug on the table with a frown.

Something in Woljif’s gaze shut down. He leaned back and sighed.

“We need food, Woljif needs money,” shrugged Siavash. “Sounds like a win-win to me.”

Woljif blinked at him.

“Are you serious?” Seelah echoed the look but for a different reason.

“Yes, and I think you should invest too.”

She glanced back and forth at the two of them. “You know what? Fine. I’m gonna trust you on this one. Don’t make me regret it.” And she placed a handful of coins on the table, which Woljif quickly swept into his stack.

This time when his and Siavash’s eyes met they were both on the verge of bursting out laughing.

Siavash helped himself to a couple coppers. “Let me get you a drink, Woljif.”

“Uh—sure.” Woljif watched the coin disappear and this time he really did laugh. “Tea, lots a’ honey.”

As he headed for the bar, Woljif caught himself eyeing the chief—not for the first time—and wondering if he could actually have found the real deal, the business partner of his dreams.

Yet even if so, Desnans didn’t tend to linger in one place for long. The chief had hinted to Seelah he might stay on a bit and see through whatever mission the Andoren government had sent him on here, but he’d be off to Andoran again soon enough and that would be the end of it. Or would it? Maybe that was even better! An excuse to head south to warmer climes. His ticket out of here on a whole other level.

But of course, it was only a matter of time before the partnership went south, and not in the geographical sense. On the other hand by then maybe Woljif would be set up—a tidy investment fund and a few connections around Inner Sea ports from Augustana to Merab, some new business partners on the horizon.

Or… maybe… maybe it wouldn’t go sour. That was supposed to be possible, like in the ballads or the storybooks. Sure would be nice. He could get used to that smile, that music, the nice way the chief listened and didn’t interrupt.

Hells. Last time he thought he had himself an actual, well, business partner, reality had punched him in the mouth. Literally. Repeatedly.

He decided he’d have to keep a close eye on the chief, figure out his angle. See how the pieces fit together: the bardic charm, the angelic sword, the Desnan visions, the sensible approach to morality. And not get his hopes up.

The moment the chief turned his way with the tea Woljif realized he was staring, and whatever expression he was wearing it earned him the most dazzling smile he thought he’d ever seen in his whole life.

[mazm-imagines]

Notice! (NOT THE END OF THIS ACCOUNT I PROMMY)

Aheeem aheem wheemper...

Hi guys. Sorry for making false assurances again... just forgor to get to the halloween asks even over my fall break. However I do want to talk about certain things. I want to explain this creative block and for a moment just be vulnerable on here. There's been so much in my life right now I've been feelin like dogshit and then last night i was talking to a friend snd it all clicked. This is a really long post so I'll put it under a cut.

I have to admit... my passion for mazm is dwindling a bit. I wont be dropping the blog or anything not at all. The memories I've made here cheered me up when I was at my worst moments.

I like to write and draw to make people happy. I remember when I was 12, I came onto mazm tumblr tags to just look at things. I came across an incorrect quotes blog, and while I don't think it was the highest effort content, it still put a smile on my face because I could tell whoever ran it was passionate. People were passionate. The mod left around 2020ish??? And i remembered being so sad.

It's hard to make content for small fandoms. Heaven only knows others have it worse... some only have 3 people instead of 5/lh

I've watched mutuals leave the fandom as they lost interest. Which is completely normal like it happens. But it just. Sucks. Its hard to make art/writing when you dont have people to exchange ideas with. I know I should be writing for myself, but I also would like to know that there are people reading and watching. I want to make people happy in the same way i was happy in the past.

But the dwindling activity on here + the lack of participation in the community events such as MazM week makes me want to give up trying sometimes. Not giving up trying to write nor answer asks by any means. I do those of my free will. But give up trying to reach out. I absolutely hate forcing interest, i don't like to harass others.

As i grow older, and younger members join the fandom, i start to feel a disconnect. Not because they are doing anything wrong, and I am happy that children get to enjoy MazM the same way i used to. It's more that my tastes mature, but i don't have anyone to discuss it with. It feels strange.

There's also the fact that I've always been more fond of MazMs original works such as Pechka, Thy Creature, and Hyde and Seek. I like Phantom of the Operas more original aspects ironically, but was never quite fond of Jekyll and Hyde. I often think a large part of MazM discussions involve the adaptations rather than the original aspects. Which again, I feel a bit out of place with.

All of this, and it starts feeling a bit lonely... I must be self pitying because the discord is pretty alive and I do see people in the tags. I appreciate all the creators i see, from the bottom of my heart. Everyone that creates something or speaks their mind or participates, that is what keeps it alive. If anyone ever wants to reach out to me I am more than happy to talk and share ideas.

But I've felt my old work was juvenile. I keep rereading my current work and looking at my current art. I keep feeling "not enough". Its leaked over to my other interests too like IDV. I have to drop one of my biggest projects because I've lost passion for some of the characters due to lore shit. And the other fic, I just couldn't read my prose without cringing. Which sucked because that project was for myself, it wasn't meant to be serious it was just yume shit. But... maybe that just reflects upon how I feel with myself now. That if no one reads, then I must be doing something wrong.

I love mazm from the bottom of my heart, I admire the team so much. It's why I started to draw seriously, it's why i started to read and analyze seriously and heavily influenced my writing. I AM MAZM FAN NUMBER 1!!! i am super excited for the new edgar allen poe game of course i am. It's just seeing the team members leave one by one and the format change so drastically... i don't know. The magic is different. But I will always support MazM despite it all.

So this is where I am now. Burnt out, unable to look at my own creations properly, cold lasagne hate myself. All very kafkaesque im sure. I don't want to put out low effort posts, so that's why I've just been keeping my askbox preserved. To all the people that sent me asks, thank you so so so much. You guys are the reason i am not letting this blog go anywhere. And I am very sorry to keep you all waiting.

[jjmichie]

I read an article about Imposter Syndrome yesterday and it's been gnawing at me. I suffer from it, as do many people. And the only advice I ever hear is that I basically need to "change my attitude" and "start believing in myself." But this morning I concluded that's bullshit. Because no matter how many times I try to do that I still conclude that I have imposter syndrome because I AM AN IMPOSTER, I'm GOING TO BE found out. And anyone who compliments me is just doing it out of pity.

But then I realized maybe I need a whole different approach.  Maybe, instead of just sitting there in the vacuum of my bedroom trying to convince myself I’m wonderful as I am and force away any negative thought that seeps in, instead, maybe I should do an honest assessment of myself. Analyze when and why I have these doubts. Take a hard and REAL look at my skills, education, experience, soft skills, performance, and determine if there actually ARE areas where I’m lacking.  

And then do something about it.  

(This is long so if you don't want to read my whole self assessment, skip down to the conclusion at the bottom).

So in doing that, I realized there are areas where I actually AM lacking. No wonder I'm feeling like an imposter . . .

I work in IT but I don't have a degree in technology (mine is in earth science). So yes, I really don't know as much about it as my co-workers. There is a good reason why I feel insecure here

Solution: take some classes! learn more! while I'm probably not going to actually go get a degree, there's no reason I can't read up and learn what I need to know to do my job better. Or, set up some time to talk to knowledgeable people I work with and learn from them.

2. I sometimes miss opportunities to be pro-active. I tend to procrastinate when I don't know what to do or if I have to have a difficult conversation with someone. I know I do this -- I'm not just being hard on myself.  I think it stems from being naturally very shy, and having been in an environment with people who screamed at me for unpredictable and irrational reasons.

Solution:  there is no way to get better at this without some pain.  I need to recognize when I’m procrastinating and if I truly don’t know what to do, then I need to find someone I can ask, or write down a script of what I need to say for the difficult conversation and practice it ahead of time. Work is needed here.  Therapy?

3.  I always feel like I suck at the core skills and responsibilities that I’m supposed to be doing for my job.  And looking back over some examples of when I felt this way, the reality is . . . yes, I often do just wing it and hope for the best, instead of actually taking the time to develop a plan or create reusable templates that will save me time in the long run. 

Solution:  take a day or weekend to get organized.  Put together an arsenal of templates for slide decks, process diagrams, meeting agendas, playbooks, etc. that I can pull out whenever I need them.  Invest in taking a class if I need to. There are other people who grapple with this too, so there are resources out there to help.  

Conclusion: Okay.  I know that was a long post, but going through it made me realize that action is more important than attitude.  It felt good to realize that my Imposter Syndrome wasn’t just me being negative. In my case, there actually ARE reasons that I’m feeling like an imposter, and by acknowledging that, I can take steps to make improvements. Actually do something real and concrete that I can then be proud of and point to and say hey look, I did that.  As opposed to just magically trying to ‘think positive’ without actually doing anything to feel positive about. To me that is a house of cards, it’s totally phony, and history has shown that I can’t fool myself that way.  I want to try actually taking ACTION. Give myself some PROOF that I’m not an imposter. Positive feelings will follow.  Wish me luck.

[sailtomarina]

Tea Leaves and Pure Nonsense

It was a lovely spring day, the sort where the sun hung high in a true blue sky and the clouds drifted like dandelion seeds. Arthur would have enjoyed a lark around the lake, or perhaps an idle sort of broom flight out on the castle grounds.

Instead, he sat in a dimly lit room, nearly choking on the overwhelming incense of the Divination Classroom. No cool breeze, here. There was, however, a different sort of reprieve to be found at the table next to the one his own.

Fiery curls spilling artfully over one shoulder.

A full-bodied laugh that might have defied decorum if it came from anyone less enchanting.

A rose-cheeked smile capable of making the recipient feel at the top of the world.

His eyes lingered on the graceful curve of her neck as she flung her head back in another one of her laughs. He wished he were the one at her side. What could Malfoy have said to entertain her so?

“If you wanted to partner with Molly that badly, then you should have said so from the start.” The sharpness in Minverva’s tone pulled his attention back just in time to pretend fascination in his tea leaves as the professor sauntered past.

He couldn’t read much in the muddling at the bottom of his teacup. If he squinted, he thought they might look something like a leaning tower. Or, was it the number seven?

He waited until their professor had walked away before replying. “There’s no point. Also, I wanted to partner with you. How else am I supposed to make sense of this?” He emphasised the last point with an exasperated wave of his hand.

She gave an unladylike snort, but still leaned over to peer into the porcelain cup. “How do you know there’s no point? She’s a lovely witch, and you are not unpleasant company.”

Arthur peered doubtfully over his shoulder once more. “I don’t have much to offer. Ow!” He rubbed at his hand where Minerva had sent a mild stinging hex. “What was that for?”

“I loathe self-pity. That will not attract anyone.”

As much as Arthur wanted to list out all the ways in which he was inferior to wizards like Lucius Malfoy, there was no arguing with Minerva on the matter. Deep down, he knew she was right. It was maddening, sometimes, how she refused to let him wallow.

And she wasn’t done speaking.

“You are every bit the Quidditch player that he is, and, I dare say, even better because of your exceptional teamwork. You are not lazy in your studies, which is why I don’t mind partnering with you. You would catch more romantic attention if you sat up and took confidence in your abilities.”

As she rattled off the list of assets, Arthur felt a warmth spreading slowly from his centre, outward. He straightened his back. Relaxed his shoulders. Took a deep breath that he let out slowly.

Minerva quirked a brow at him, taking notice of the shift in his demeanour. Then, she nodded in approval. “That’s more like it. Now pour me another cup; my reading is pure nonsense.”

He chortled and did as she bid.

Arthur didn’t pick up the way a certain witch peeked his way at the sound of his amusement, nor how she nibbled at her lip as if in deep thought. Minerva did. Her smile was slight, then gone before anyone could see.

Written for the Weasleys, Witches, & Writers' Wheel of Chaos.

Your Weasley is: Arthur Your Hogwarts Class is: Divination And your trope is: Meddling Friends

576 wc

I almost never write for this era, nor for these characters, making this prompt even more of a challenge! I have no clue if Minerva went to school around the same time as Arthur, Molly, and Lucius, but I like to think so given their personalities.

Cross-posted on Facebook and Tumblr.

[idolapollo]

Dedicated DEV LOG #2

i'm a month late ( ´･ω･)

at least finals are over for now!!!

please don't be disappointed i tried my best to manage stress, seasonal depression, and self-doubt while writing over the past two months ( T∀T)

once again, this month's blog post is decicated to "Dedicated To…"

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man, fall quarter always sucks, and i hate when it gets so dark out so quick!!! how are you supposed to expect apollo to function without much sun!!!!!! ヽ(　`Д´)ﾉ

well, i hope everyone's been okay! i've been trying to be as mentally stable as possible… and it's kind of working! even with seasonal depression, therapy has been helping teach me how to calm myself and live to tomorrow! i did get some anxiety medication a short bit after my last dev log too, and it's been going great for me!! ( ´∀｀ )b

lately, i've been looking at other games and media and wondering what makes psychological horror so good, and what even is it? turns out no one has a set answer and it's hard to describe (´･ω･｀)

looking at the reception of mouthwashing (which i really enjoyed!!), i'm starting to get my own doubts on how scary my game really is and if i'm doing things right enough…

i started to rewrite and add stuff to the first route when i thought i was finished and going to move onto the second route….. i even made the first route much longer as a result, and now the other routes need to match up... ( T∀T)

i ended up putting in more abstract representations and symbolism of mental struggles and fears, similar to how pocket mirror does things! i also especially added more bits where you can actually play the game, as how i currently had it, the game was more of a visual novel with rpg elements and made in rpg maker instead of ren'py lmao

compared to the original script i had, i felt the game's script was set too much in realism and didn't come off as scary, especially thinking about how rpgs themselves aren't really scary since you're not playing in a 1st-person view, therefore you're not that scared because the scary stuff is happening to a 3rd party and takes you out of the immersion

it's a lot more work than i thought trying to make things scary.... you really have to look into human instinct and nature, not to sound too pragmatic ( ´_ゝ`)

before i rant a bit more, here's a preview of reyn's full art, the one tybalt is hopelessly in love with!! feel free to stop reading at this point if you think i'm annoying as shit don't worry i feel the same

i hope i made him look cute AND cool enough! i made him to my tastes after all lol

speaking of which, i hope my feelings—ugly, pitiful, relatable however they may be—get across in this game, i have a lot of anxieties around love, be it familial, platonic, or romantic, and i've always felt lonely, ignored, and out of place a lot of the time

suffice to say, i am projecting on tybalt a lot lol

honestly, i wonder if anyone even reads these, or if anyone cares at all, but i hope someone out there does

as i said in a depressing tweet, my works and stories and i may be worthless, but i like them and they get me wanting to live another day!

i hope by the next update either in the next month or two, i'll have at least two routes finished!

i'm sorry i can't show more than this, but i swear i'm putting my all into this!! especially since i want to work on a comic soon too!

i'll leave everyone with a scrapped doodle i had that i was initially going to include with an update i was gonna post before halloween, but you already know what happened (´･ω･｀)

thank you once again for following me and my stupid, worthless works! (^_^)v (and if you're interested in who exactly these characters i keep posting are, if anyone's interested i have a whole story!! but basically they're all me in a sense!)

[nagsusulatnamais]

A change of perspective = change of heart

I remember this quote from a blog long long time ago where her partner said non-verbatim "I would show you everyday that I am worthy of every ounce of your love, that you made the right decision of loving me."

That was a post by a single woman in her 20s. Now, they are married with two angels.

I know it happened a year ago and I should've at least gotten over it but with that experience it led me to a different path, the path of building walls again - afraid of getting hurt. I have completely changed lens when it comes to relationships.

Written last March 10, 2023

Always remember that you are only responsible for your reactions, you answer to yourself, you are capable of making sound decisions. And you make yourself a responsible person, Mace.

I have a dilemma where my morals when it comes to relationships doesn't meet my morals when it comes to my work ethics. Instead of making scenarios, crying thru my night shifts during work hours, maybe, I should divert and do a big focus on my career/work. I am not doing the best I have for the past 3 years in the company I am in. This is an honest review of myself to my employed self.

About the above post, some events in our life are just hard to let go because it killed something in us that we dearly valued. I’d like to believe that it happened because it's time for us to shift. To shift our perspective, throw away our old school of thought for a new one, be open to experiences because you're only here for a few years, forgive because you have to release the pain that's weighing you down.

As Dr. Swift said "Part of growing up and moving into new chapters of your life is about catch and release. ","Decide what is yours to hold and let the rest go. Oftentimes the good things in your life are lighter anyway, so there’s more room for them. One toxic relationship can outweigh so many wonderful, simple joys. You get to pick what your life has time and room for. Be discerning. "

I want to say that there are a few good things in my life, but it will sound that I'm not grateful as there are a lot of things I get to do. Which I should give more focus on. Just to name a few of my favorite good things, the list includes my Cat named Pity, my ever-loving Mom, my super Dad, and my favorite siblings in the world Ayie and Cy.

Aside from these humans, I get to do a lot of introspecting, using of my mind, and a lot of writing these past few days. There are also those experiences that I was just wishing to experience it — in which I get to do now. Growing up I thought I was adaptable to any situations, turns out I just didn’t have any structures, I'm just freelancing my way to life, however, now that I'm old and building some "structures" of my own. I find myself struggling to change some of it because I've established something aligned with what I feel right.

But, since this is life and it's ever changing like earth I have to change my views, thoughts, self, and some parts that are not working well with me, aligned with what I am in. It's hard.

Well, at least I'm doing something. It's time to do some change of heart.

Sharing some favorite quotes from Dr. Swift's speech.

“My experience has been that my mistakes led to the best things in my life. And being embarrassed when you mess up is part of the human experience.”

And so this may be hard for you to hear: In your life, you will inevitably misspeak, trust the wrong people, under-react, overreact, hurt the people who didn’t deserve it, overthink, not think at all, self-sabotage, create a reality where only your experience exists, ruin perfectly good moments for yourself and others, deny any wrongdoing, not take the steps to make it right, feel very guilty, let the guilt eat at you, hit rock bottom, finally address the pain you caused, try to do better next time, rinse, repeat.  And I’m not gonna lie, these mistakes will cause you to lose things.

I’m trying to tell you that losing things doesn’t just mean losing. A lot of the time, when we lose things, we gain things too. 

((Thinking about this quote above, when I lost my trust to the other person, I try to gain some for me.))

Anyway…hard things will happen to us. We will recover. We will learn from it. We will grow more resilient because of it. 

As long as we are fortunate enough to be breathing, we will breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out. And I’m a doctor now, so I know how breathing works. 

Too much writing today. I feel so alive. Good night.

[terracyte]

the shoulder pads look cool but don’t do much against the cold