#I Just can't anymore
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heywriters · 7 months ago
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amping myself up to finish writing an old fic. read the tags, the summary, my notes, get all excited....and all I can say is, "That's a horrible first line" and tab out
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tsukiko0720 · 10 months ago
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God I'm just realising if Liam was thinking of getting married in a year then 1D reunion would have occurred at his wedding, not his funeral. 😭😭 He would have gotten to headlines for being the first member to get married rather than this tragic event. They could have been groomsman. If only!
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Fandom's Takes On Trauma Are Terrible And Here's Why: brought to you by terrible Coriolanus Snow and Anakin Skywalker discourse
I've been on the verge of making this post for a while now, but I kept not doing it because this might be a bit of a hot take and I don't like offending people. However, I've been growing increasingly annoyed with the perception of one specific character type so lets see how much my dumb opinions stir the pot this time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. This will be focused mainly on my current main fandom: The Ballad Of Songbirds And Snakes, as well as Star Wars. You'll see why. Now, I need to make it clear that I'm not judging anyone for their opinions on characters for any reason. In no way am I insinuating you're a bad person for having opinions different to mine or that you’re not allowed to have them. What I am saying is that fandoms have some frustrating and frankly insulting beliefs around trauma and those who survived it, and I'm gonna talk about it because I want to get this off my chest. With that said:
Y'all don't understand how trauma works and it annoys me
As stated in the title, I'm writing this because of the Coriolanus Snow discourse, specifically regarding whether he's a good or bad person. Lets rip off the bandaid straight away: He's a bad person. There's no question about it, Snow is a vile human being. And he's one of my favorite characters because of it. He's fantastically written and hands down one of the most realistic, viscerally terrifying yet utterly pathetic villains ever. And what I hate about the TBOSAS fandom more than anything (aside from how some of them treat the actors) is the way they take away all his agency in the story. But I'll put a pin in that because I have a lot to say about him and instead start at the beginning of my growing frustration with how fandom perceives trauma (feel free to skip through this post, I'll label my sections in case you don't wanna read this whole thing). There's two sides, and both are equally stigmatized and wrong. So lets start with the more obvious one through the lens of Anakin Skywalker.
The Star Wars Fandom's Weird Relationship With Traumatized Children Behaving Like Traumatized Children
So Anakin Skywalker AKA Darth Vader is pretty explicitly a Bad Dude who's done some Bad Things. Bro committed genocide, ain't no getting around that, except... It's a little more complicated. Sure, he did all those terrible things, but a lot of people take that to mean he was always a horrible monstrous big bad in the making who was destined to become the galaxy's worst nightmare. That's missing the whole point of the prequel trilogy, because those movies essentially serve to explain all the reasons for Anakin's descent into villainy, and he had surprisingly little hand in it. Growing up into slavery means he not only has a warped view of the galaxy thanks to all the horrors he's witnessed, it also means he lacks the teachings Jedi younglings get when they grow up in the temple. He was pawned off onto Obi-Wan who had only recently been knighted and was in no way ready to raise a child, and became "friends" with Palpatine who fed him all sorts of lies to manipulate him into becoming little more than an attack dog. Not exactly ideal circumstances for a child in their formative years. Did Anakin shirk the Jedi's rules? Yes. Did he do dumb stuff? Yes. But he was a traumatized teenager, of course he's acting out. When he massacres the Tusken Raiders, it's Padme Amidala who reassures him it was the right thing to do. He felt guilty about it, so this idea that he's some apathetic monster from the second he's born is dumb. It's not that Anakin was born wrong, it's that the people around him either failed to help him go down the right path or were actively trying to push him down the wrong one. Anakin never fully grasped the Jedi's ideals, because the person meant to teach him just wasn't equipped to do so. If he'd had someone to teach him how to get a hold of his emotions, distancing himself enough from them to make the best possible decision and helping him understand the importance of letting someone go when you have to, he wouldn't have fallen to the dark side the way he did.
Anakin did terrible things, but blaming it on him just having an evil heart shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how people's environments change who they are. A life in slavery, where he was not allowed to have anything and risked losing what he held dear at any second with no control over it likely caused him to be very possessive of what he held close to his heart once he did have some control over what he kept and lost. Shmi died because he wasn't there to protect her (in his head), so he clung to the people he loved so he could save them the way he couldn't save his mother. Palpatine actively groomed him, if you think that didn't have any effect on him I don't know what to tell you. Throughout the war, he constantly lost people he was close to. That control he had slowly starts to fade as Ahsoka leaves and he starts having dreams about Padme dying. He does everything to save her, only to find out she betrayed him (in his mind, a thought quite likely influenced by PTSD as well). I can tell you that believing one of the few people you trust has betrayed you can make you act very impulsively. Anakin made an impulsive decision and regretted it for the rest of his life. He wasn't born a monster, the world turned him into one.
However, that does not excuse his actions. It explains them and spreads the blame to more people, but his actions are still his actions. Anakin separated himself from his past because of all the pain it brings him, and in doing so he did a lot of bad things. And he still needed to face consequences for those actions, even if the events that led up to them aren't necessarily on him entirely. If he'd gotten therapy, he wouldn't have choked Padme to death. Possibly he wouldn't have attacked the temple. But he didn't, and he did all those things trauma or not. I have major issues with the way some Anti-Anakin parts of the Star Wars fandom insist on ignoring or writing off his trauma, but that doesn't mean I'm absolving him of all guilt.
An explanation is not an excuse, and that sentiment brings us to the reason for this little rant:
Coriolanus Snow's defenders have a habit of infantalizing trauma survivors and I wish they would stop
Oh Snow, how your amazing character completely flew over the heads of most of your loyalest fans. I'm joking, obviously, but also... It's not exactly wrong. Now, I need to make this clear: I'm not insulting Snow fans here. I'm kind of one of them (I hate his guts but I love how he was written, it's a love hate relationship). However, the way people talk about his trauma... I'll be honest, it's kind of sickening for reasons I'll talk about later after getting through the technical(?) stuff. Where the way people view Anakin disgusts me, the way people treat Snow disturbs me. Because people view The Ballad Of Songbirds and Snakes as if it's some typical tragic villain backstory that humanizes and in some ways justifies who he became, to show what changed him from a normal person into a monster. It's not. It actually shows that Snow has always possessed the traits that made him the monster we know from the OG series. What it does is explain why specific things were so important to him and how he grew to lose all redeeming qualities, letting the worst aspects of his personality grow and take over until it's all there's left of him.
What made Snow do stuff like poison political adversaries and constantly beat down the districts so they don't rebel? A thirst for power. A thirst he's always had, born from the feelings of entitlement he held thanks to his family's previous status. He deserves that power in his mind, so he'll do anything to get it. Power, control, and influence are his driving motivators. It's at the back of his mind throughout TBOSAS, and by the time he becomes a gamemaker it's the only motivation he has left. Those traits, the things that pushed him to do what he did, they were always there. There was just more stuff to cover it up. Stuff that fell away with time. Snow is a terrible person, but people pretend he's some poor misunderstood baby who just needed a hug because... why? Because he has trauma. And that's the root of the problem. Does he have trauma? Absolutely. He survived a war, he lost his parents, struggled through poverty while being raised by propaganda from the Capitol and was arguably groomed by Gaul. Sound familiar? It's kind of like Anakin. Horrible childhood filled with loss, less than amazing figures raising him and grooming. Except people use the opposite argument for him which is equally wrong: he's traumatized, so we cannot blame him.
Yes we can.
Trauma does not justify your actions. It might explain them, but you are still accountable for your own actions. Snow murdered people, starting with Bobbin, and every single time it was his choice to do so. It doesn't matter why he made that choice, because he still did it. He ruined countless lives and ended nearly as many, both directly and indirectly. No amount of trauma justifies that. I've seen people claim he's just an anxious young boy who's a poor victim of circumstance, and anyone who doesn't believe so is simply unable to separate the actions of an 80-something-year-old from the 18-year-old, but... No. That's one of the most braindead takes I've ever heard, I'm sorry. Snow hadn't committed the crimes of his older self yet, but the behaviors he shows in TBOSAS are the ones that led him to doing so later on and ignoring that is just stupid. I don't need to judge Snow based on his later actions to call out how fucked up he was in TBOSAS. Again, he chose to murder several people and deluded himself into believing he was justified. That's what makes him a great character. Bad people always believe, on some level, that they're doing the right thing. It's fascinating. But people take his words at face value when he says he's doing the right thing, and the whole point is that he's wrong. He's lying to himself. Because that's what people do sometimes. Snow's family was knocked off its throne, and Snow clung to the idea that the districts are beneath him and at fault to cope with that. He deluded himself into believing Gaul's dumbass theory to justify continuing the games.
It's the exact opposite of Anakin Skywalker: Trauma is relevant, it does inform your perspective on the world and your actions, but it does not mean you can do no wrong. Snow had every chance to be a good person: Knocking Bobbin out or running away instead of murdering him, joining the rebellion with Sejanus, staying in district 12 with Lucy Gray and being honest with her. But he killed Bobbin. He fucked over the rebels and got Sejanus killed. He lied to Lucy Gray and destroyed any chance he had with her. Every chance he got, he threw into the fire without hesitation. Anakin leaned into being a bad person to forget the past, Snow chose to be one because it benefitted him the most. Neither of them are excused because of their trauma, their descent into villainy is simply explained. You know why? Because both of them created new victims. Snow was complicit in the murder of hundreds of children before becoming responsible for thousands more, he killed people with his own hands and ruined several lives over the course of TBOSAS. All that pain he caused isn't erased because we can explain why it happened. Even at 18, Snow has many things he should be held accountable for. War, being an empoverished orphan, being groomed, none of that nullifies the shit he's done. People who say Snow's just an anxious, young, traumatized boy are one side of the horseshoe theory of the myth of "the perfect victim". The "Anakin's Trauma Should Be Ignored Entirely" crowd are the other side. Which brings us to...
It's all horseshoe theory
To conclude the analytical part of my post, I'll bring it back to what I briefly mentioned in the intro to all of this. Agency. That's the running thread here. Both in cases like Anakin and cases like Snow, the fandom takes away all agency a character has in the story for the sake of justifying one's feelings about them. Anakin was born a monster and he was always destined to be evil. It wasn't the trauma, it wasn't the events of the story, he's just bad. On the other hand, Snow is a good person who was made to do terrible things by his trauma. It's all the trauma and nothing else. His bad childhood caused him to be this way and it has nothing to do with his own worst personality traits. See the connection? In both these instances, the characters had no influence over who they became. With Anakin, nothing could've had any influence because he's just born wrong. With Snow, it's everything around him that shaped him into who he was. Both scenarios completely ignore the character and focus on external factors to explain everything. One demonizes trauma victims by saying those that went off the rails are just bad people and there's nothing to be done about it, the other infantilizes trauma survivors by saying they shouldn't be held accountable for their actions just because they have trauma and it's only when they're older and should know better that we can bring consequences down on them.
Victims of trauma should be held accountable, though. The only thing the presence of trauma should change is what kind of accountability. Merely locking them up won't change anything, they should receive help to work through their problems while residing in a place where they cannot hurt anyone else. Including themselves. That is what acknowledging trauma is useful for. But this? This is doing nothing but stigmatizing trauma survivors even more than they already are, and I hate it. And you wanna know why I hate it? Because I've been both sides of this horseshoe, and it nearly got me killed.
The part where I talk about my Tragic Backstory(TM) to explain why this bothers me so much
This'll be a little heavy, so while I'm not gonna go into detail I advise you to please be careful. If you're not in the headspace to handle talk about actual real life mental health issues, feel free to stop reading here. I'm putting this at the end for a reason. If you really wanna know why people's perspective on Snow disturbs me but don't wanna risk getting triggered, skip to the last bold line in this post.
Without going into detail, I've dealt with some pretty big mental health issues throughout my life. One of them is PTSD, so believe me when I say I understand that trauma can heavily influence one's actions in ways even they don't understand. But I had to learn the hard way that there's a difference between explaining and excusing. I used to believe that, because of my previous experiences, I was entirely justified in doing what I was doing. Kind of. At that point, I didn't know that what I was experiencing was PTSD, but I did feel justified in my actions the same way Snow does. I explained every bad thing I did away and wrote it off as nothing or sometimes even as a good thing. Granted, I never did anything as big as committing murder, but I don't live in a country as dark and horrible as Panem so we'll chalk it up to that. As I grew older, I started to recognize the ways in which I accidentally hurt the people around me, and eventually had the realization that my past does not in fact justify the pain I was causing people entirely uninvolved in what happened to me. They had nothing to do with that, and shoving all my pain onto them the way I did was wrong. My view of myself pivoted to the other side of the horseshoe. If I'm not justified, am I... am I bad? Am I evil? Am I just born wrong?
I don't know how to explain this to anyone who hasn't gone through this themself, but that is a horrible feeling to have. To feel like you're just bad and there's nothing you can do about it... It kills something inside of you. A hope, a will to keep going and keep trying. Why bother when you cannot be fixed? I've lost the will to live at two points in my life, and that was one of them. And now I get to see both of these mentalities be repeated by dumbasses who don't understand the first thing about trauma. It's... not fun. It's grating and aggravating in a way I can't accurately bring across with just my words. It makes me wanna scream and laugh hysterically until I cry.
Here's the thing: I relate to Snow, and the way people perceive him disturbs me on a visceral level.
As I said, I justified my own bad behavior the same way he does. I convinced myself I was a blameless poor victim who had no hand in their actions. But just like Snow, I did. Not nearly as much as I would have liked, but I did. I learned to control the defensive mechanisms my trauma gave me, and I grew from it. Seeing people defending Snow with the same arguments that kept me from ever getting over what happened to me, crying out that he's just traumatized so none of it's his fault... it disturbs me. Because they're outsiders who should be able to see the pain he caused others and realize that nothing changes the fact that he did that. But they don't. They're me, without any of the personal stakes that kept me trapped in my own delusions. It's all just fiction, and I know that, but it hits just a little too close to home for my comfort. It's a little too raw and a little too real for me to just let it go and move on again like I always do.
I'm sorry for the rant, I didn't mean to make this post this long but I guess I hope you find something of interest in here that made it worth reading? Have a nice day 💜
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There is many things I could say right now, but all i'm wishing for is a miracle
All i'm wishing for is just... Waking up to lukewarm news, not even good news just lukewarm
Please
I haven't come this far just to lose everything.
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breezypunk · 2 years ago
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I love typical nexus users who wanna bitch that we're BULLIES for calling out racist assholes who are whitewashing black/native american characters. Sure, I'm SO SOWWY that we're defending these characters whose whole ass ethnicities are being fuckin' changed, how dare we not be racist and disgusting like you. If you want a white character to fuck so bad, than make an oc/npv, whoever that is looks like an oc anyway, NOT PANAM. More like pan-NOT.
sincerely, I very hate you.
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makoheadrush · 1 month ago
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Please just send the fucking meteor now. I'm done.
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Seriously, though? The difference between now and then? NOW we have a 24/7 news cycle. We have devices that can capture video and stream it worldwide in REAL TIME. We have all these avenues of communication and learning AT OUR FINGERTIPS....
....And people are dumber than ever. The entire world is witness to these atrocities that they are SELLING MERCH FOR, and eventually, people WILL be brought to justice. Nazis thought they were untouchable once upon a time too.
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alex-turners-world · 2 years ago
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Bhahahahahahah I can't he looks so fucking dead I literally snorted when I saw this pic
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ancientandforevcr · 2 months ago
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🤦‍♂️
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lazyscience · 3 months ago
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RFK Jr. rejects cornerstone of health science: Germ theory - Ars Technica
Not a joke.
The fucking director of health and human services, under whose jurisdiction lies NIH and FDA, does not fucking believe in germs.
Someone start serving this fucker chicken tartare, PLEASE.
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xfangheartx · 6 months ago
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I think I might need to take a break from here. All the fires and everything piling on one thing after another...my mental health is shot.
I'm just so depressed and spent right now. I can't even draw anymore.
I'm just...I'm done.
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schumi-nadal · 1 year ago
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Another tournament, another sad day where Andy lost in R1
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charizardstolemynickname · 2 years ago
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Its so funny to be in several fandoms that have ships that are like, not canon at all, writers and everyone says its platonic, but the whole fandom knows it should be canon. Because then you sorta just expect it, expect some small comments but nothing major, and if there is something major its like, twice in the 10 seasons or something
Whereas Doctor who, TenRose is like, THERE. Hell, NINEROSE IS THERE, its so blatant, its canon, but also the slowest burn of all time. So because of all the other fandoms, I am NOT ready for things like "If there is anything I believe in, I believe in her" and ROSE OFFERING TO LIVE WITH THE DOCTOR, BEING DOMESTIC, or Rose saying "I am not leaving him, like he wouldn't for me. Even if he is- I am not leaving him, not to be alone" (can't remember the exact quote but along those lines)
I am going INSANE over this, I am never prepared, I think "oh rewatching will make me go 'it wasn't THAT obvious and such' i'll be okay, nothing will hurt me"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! I will need someone to make a list of every rose and the doctor interaction ever, because there is SO MUCH, the examples above? FROM 2 EPISODES, TECHNICALLY 1 PLOT THAT WAS SPREAD BETWEEN 2
I can't be normal anymore
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madamemachikonew · 1 year ago
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Made a new batch of macarons.
I was moving the freshly piped trays somewhere 'safe' to dry when the parchment paper just slid off and landed face down on the floor.
I don't know whether to cry or whether this is my villain origin story.
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kittenkes · 1 year ago
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I can't deal with this Trump shooting thing.
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carebearbro · 2 years ago
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Every time I think he can’t get any cuter, he does.  
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dam-peace · 2 years ago
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Sigh....
I've been feeling extremely unmotivated as of late, I've managed to get a new job after sustaining an injury earlier on this year. Once again, it's soul sucking but it pays the bills....one of the reasons I wanted to push to turn my writing into a financial opportunity, was so that I could do something I love. But, in my pursuit to do so, I've found writing to also be a source of my continuous stress. Which is why I've come to the decision that I no longer wish for this to be a possible career choice for myself, I simply want to write for fun.
So I will be discontinuing my patreon going forward, and I will not be offering membership tiers any longer. But, I want to say a big thank you to those who have signed on to it and supported me thus far. This second release launch was significantly better than the last. With that being said, I will still be offering exclusive content for all of my games on my Ko-fi page, for those who are able to make donations, though again monthly membership tiers will not be available. And I will also publicly release snippets of exclusive content when and if I see fit.
This way I can create content when I choose without a deadline or expectations constantly looming over me. I've become increasingly overstimulated the last couple of months and I'm honestly on the verge of an epic breakdown. So I just really need to dial back and ground myself, so if I've been MIA or will continue to be for awhile now you know why. Sorry again for the inconvenience, but I actually contemplated on deleting every account I had and discontinue writing for good, so really this is the lesser of two evils.
​With that being said, I will be releasing the previously update of Vice Virtue that was on my patreon. As there will be no more 'Alpha builds' going forward. Therefore, please keep in mind that all of my games will be side hobbies, and things I do in my own time when I see fit, or simply have the will to engage in. Which means that updates, completion of requests/askes etc will be sporadic and far less going forward.
Thank you, and I'll see you when I see you folks.
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