#I NEED TO BE MORE NONCHALANT AND DETACHED WHILE WRITING THIS WHOLE ‘being in love with the love interest’ THING DOESN’T WORK FOR ME…

[m1ckeyb3rry]

i cannot keep writing in these conditions my yearning is showing

[localgossipus]

loneliness, desire, hope, disappointment, evolution

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be a person. Not in the existential, college-philosophy-class sense, but in the real, I planned my whole day around when I can scroll on TikTok again sense.

There’s a weird rhythm to being alive in your twenties, especially as a woman. It’s like you’re always almost blooming, always on the cusp of becoming something, but never quite there. You cycle through loneliness, connection, through craving and detachment, through “I think I’m okay” and “actually no I’m not,” sometimes all in 30 seconds.

Some days I feel like a glittering version of myself. I wake up with good skin and a light heart, make a bowl of cereal, text my mom something profound like “I’m feeling better today.” Other days, I stare at my ceiling and wonder if anyone really knows me, or if I’m just a collection of energy people projected onto someone quiet, observant, and moldable.

It’s a lonely thing, to feel like you’re trying so hard to be understood in a world where everyone is curating and half-listening. And yet, there’s also something beautiful about loneliness. It’s a space that forces you to sit with yourself. Not the version of you who does the “white-boy-smile” or comes up with the perfect nonchalant captions. The real you. The tender, unshared version.

I think we romanticize desire, not just sexual or romantic, but the hunger to be. To be known. To be chosen. To be seen and not misinterpreted. It’s intoxicating. That thing where someone looks at you a little too long and suddenly you’re picturing their name, stalking Instagram to see if you were right, and then imagining how they’d react if you cried after killing a bug. We do that—we invent people in our heads and hand them scripts they never even agreed to read.

And then, of course, they disappoint us. Not because they’re bad people, necessarily. But because they’re human, and humans never stick to the story we write for them at 2 a.m. while trying to force our brains to dream about them.

Disappointment, I’ve learned, is not always dramatic. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes it’s realizing a friend doesn’t ask you questions back. Or that person you romanticized doesn’t know how to handle your mind—just your body. Sometimes it’s just you, alone in your room, wondering why you feel so far from yourself.

But disappointment is the teacher. It’s the filter we pour our lives through, and whatever’s real, whatever’s meant to be, it remains. What falls through was never supposed to stay.

And then, there’s hope. The really annoying thing about hope is that it doesn't ask to show up. It just keeps on coming over. You can be the most jaded, emotionally burnt-out version of yourself, and still, something in you will soften at the sound of one of your favorite songs, or some stranger holding the door open for you. You’ll swear you’re done trying, but you’ll still look up flights to the city you’ve always wanted to go to just to see if it’s your destiny.

Hope is brutal like that. It survives you.

I’m learning that evolution isn’t about becoming prettier or more productive or finally getting a 30-step hair care routine that involves a homemade lemon paste and finger-curling. Evolution is quieter. Slower. More painful. It’s realizing you don’t have to chase people who don’t choose you. It’s sitting with your shame and doubt and saying, “I see you.” It’s falling apart in softer ways, less like completely shattering, more like molting.

We all want to be something. A writer, a lover, a healer, a name that someone says with reverence. But maybe being something doesn’t always mean doing something. Maybe it’s how we listen. How we keep trying. How we love without needing to be understood completely. How we show up even when we feel devastatingly ugly or unoriginal or deeply unqualified to be seen.

I think about the girls I pass on the street, the ones who look like they’ve probably been crying seconds prior, but pulled themselves together just in time. I think about how many people are just barely keeping it together. How many people are afraid they’re too much or not enough or both at the same time. I wish I could kiss you all.

Because being 22 and feeling everything should not be a burden, but a gift. You are still becoming. You are allowed to be unsure. You are allowed to be soft and tired and just at the beginning.

And if all you’ve done today is figure out when you can lay down and scroll on TikTok, that’s just fine. That’s a form of evolution too.

[violettelueur]

— FUSHIGURO MEGUMI + GOJO SATORU + NANAMI KENTO || SPARRING SESSION TENSION

↳ featuring : fushiguro megumi + gojo satoru + nanami kento from jujutsu kaisen

↳ warnings : grammar issues

↳ form : headcanons

↳ published : 06 april

↳ pronouns : she/her

↳ request : Hello!! I love your writing esp for jjk! I was wondering if I could please get a classic black coffee? Specifically headcannons for tension when sparring w Nanami, Megumi, and Gojo. They have feelings for fem!reader, no smut but they get flustered/nervous about being so close, etc??? :)❤️

↳ barista’s notes : today is the day that season 3 of fruits basket starts (we will hear fushiguro’s and gojo’s va again!!!) and childe’s banner arrives...when it hits 3am (since that’s when the game comes with the new commissions for me) i will be wishing all my primogems like there is no tomorrow...childe will be mine because he will be, there is no questioning it ʕ ꆤ ᴥ ꆤʔ i hope you enjoy your cup of classic black coffee and please come back soon!

When you and Fushiguro are sparring each other, he will go easy on you - to be honest, he doesn’t know if it is on purpose or he just naturally does.

Everyone will notice that Fushiguro is going easy on you and will tease him about it because “he doesn’t want his future girlfriend to get hurt~” - he will get irritated and Maki will tell him not to get distracted like that in real battles.

When it is you two alone, Fushiguro will once again go easy on you but he will get distracted more because there is no one that will comment on his unusual behaviour.

If you manage to get close to him (like face to face) he will blush and get really embarrassed because he has a crush on you.

This is when he gets most distracted because he will just admire you and realise many details on your face that he has missed like a beauty mark or how beautiful your eyes are up close.

You will comment on how easy he is going on your and Fushiguro will somehow make a really good excuse in the beginning. However, later on, he struggles to come up with one.

Overall, you and hIm are on the same level of being a sorcerer but the fact that you have now beaten him 5 times in a row is just something weird.

If you accidentally fall on top of him, Fushiguro will become extremely stiff with the reddest face that he has ever had but he will try to calm himself down before asking if you are okay.

As time goes along, Fushiguro will get more comfortable with you and will go back to his normal strength...but you can still tell he is being careful - if you get close to him, he somehow learn to conceal his emotions but on the inside his heart is beating as if he had just finished a car race...it’s that fast.

Overall, Fushiguro will be shy about it, but once you both get comfortable, training will get better but just know that Fushiguro will be distracted from time to time because of how flustered he will get and how beautiful you look.

During sparring sessions with Gojo, he will flirt and tease his way out of being flustered with you because he is Gojo Satoru - he also doesn’t want you to see him blushing.

Gojo will also use his humour to tease you on how “you can’t touch him” because of his infinity or how funny you look trying to take him down.

In the middle of a sparring fight, Gojo will also tell you how pretty you are while you are sweating (even though you feel like a disgusting mess).

You will get irritated by him because you want him to take the whole thing seriously, but in reality, Gojo doesn’t want to hurt you at all - but he doesn’t go easy on you at all.

When you get up close and personal with him, Gojo will have a goofy smile on his face and isn’t shy to show you because we all know he is a confident man.

Gojo will then, once again, compliment you and will be brave enough to tap on your lips/cheek/forehead because if you are going to be this close to him, let him get some skin-to-skin touch.

If someone is watching your little session, they wouldn’t know that Gojo has a little crush on you since they think he is just being annoying to you.

Even his students wouldn’t have a clue that he has a crush on you since they just think that you and him are close friends even though they do wonder why you are friends with him.

At the end of the sparring session, if you ask Gojo about those comments that he made about you, he will make the excuse of them being distractions since some of them did make you halt leading you to lose a few times.

Overall, Gojo is good at hiding his crush on you since it is camouflage with his general personality, but please know that he means every compliment/comment he makes towards you - yes even the teasing ones.

Sparring sessions with Nanami will seem normal at first because of how stern and nonchalant he is - but when time goes by, you will notice some small but noticeable things about him.

He will take the time to prepare to face you because he doesn’t want to crack when you are in the room with him and he knows that you both need to take the session seriously because it’s basic training.

In the beginning, Nanami will seem detached since he wants to remove personal feelings from work because being a sorcerer isn’t something that can lead to a normal life.

You will notice this and will question him about it since you both are colleagues but he will just say that it’s to construct a real battle atmosphere because you don’t know your enemy at all.

Nanami doesn’t go easy on you at all but you can tell he is limiting himself slightly since he is worried that he might hit you too hard.

However, over time (hehe) Nanami will open up more during the session and will sometimes admire you when you get close to him.

You wouldn’t see Nanami blush at all but you will notice a small twitch on the corner of his lips - like he was about to smile.

If you do get close to Nanami during one session, he will look at you with slightly widened eyes before concentrating back on what he was actually doing.

Nanami doesn’t crack at all, he is like the master of keeping a stern face on - he doesn’t try to cover it with something else like Gojo and he isn’t that shy like Fushiguro.

Overall, Nanami is adamant to keep personal feelings away from work and will keep his promise to that, there will be a few trips here and there but in the end, don’t expect him to announce his feelings this way.

© violettelueur 2021 : written and published by violettelueur - do not steal or repost

[whydoyouthinkileft]

okay, honestly, I don't want to complain here and risk ruining someone's mood, but since I write Jemma Simmons and my way to see the show influences this blog, I have to say that I don't like how her storyline is going now, especially from the moment she was reunited with Fitz; I feel it's going to follow the same cycle it followed every other time. I also don't extra-ship FS canon-wise as much anymore, not for any super strong reason, it's just not my kind of OTP the way it's written and I need to explore it in writing to feel in love with the couple again.    In my blog I adore my ships (and when in some verses they don't work as well that's also 100% acceptable and enjoyable for me because at least it's in a way that I can appreciate, because we write them as real with real issues) In the show I ship them, I want them to be happy, I'll make gifsets, I love the concept of them, but I only love them in roleplay when we work through their problems together, and going a bit au or rewriting parts of their pasts. It's still an OTP in fanon, it's the canon that I'm... detached from and I just enjoy it as general audience, taking what I get and loving the episodes; when I have to write Jemma and focus on them in a deeper way, I can't just follow canon. I wouldn't know how to write a human being like that.

more specifically under the cut because it's me complaining and therefore some rare negativity to explain what I don't like/don't want (no one *has* to read it to understand, you'll just see me going on a different direction in my threads, with for example a reasonably traumatized Jemma) (no hate against characters)

to sum it up quickly: when I write Jemma, she'll be more short-tempered, moody because stressed out, prone to lose hope every now and then, though still loving and protective. I will obviously keep writing FS. But I might want to rewrite some things or discuss some parts instead of simply considering 'good' what has happened up until now. I also want to write more of Jemma's interactions with the rest of the team and with people checking on her too (which my rp partners already do, tho, so this is just in general for potential new ones, it wouldn't be exactly like in canon with Jemma shrugging everything off). I’m also not opposed to threads where they broke up and it wasn’t... as devastating and life ending as it was in other verses I wrote (obviously when it’s starting there, if they broke up in verses we wrote she’d be destroyed)  

but with the ‘cycle repeating’ I meant how she goes through something horrible while alone (Maveth, torture, kill/resurrect May, the super traumatic fight with LMD Fitz that left her 'malfunctioning', literally waking up in her grave like one hour later to start her first terrible day in the Framework, every trauma there, and now being enslaved - and we have seen how much of a big deal that was) and then... a couple of jokes, literally, about how she had it kinda bad (same way she joked about Hive touching her face while wearing Grant Ward's body and using Will's memory, now she joked about being enslaved) and that's it, she's normal, she's giving hope, she's being supportive of Fitz and... she's just moving on, she's somehow either okay or magically repressed everything because the plot requires her to be okay and work, no payoff after what happened either. Literally, even when she joined the group again, group that didn't know where she was since Daisy wasn't able to communicate with her anymore, nor May, the surprise because Fitz and Daisy were there meant only Elena touched her arm as a way to say hi, after she came back bleeding from her ear. I was expecting a far nicer reunion with the team, since she disappeared taken by Sinara. Also apparently she got that thing removed from her ear, could barely stand and walk because of vertigo and nausea, but not long after she reached the Zephyr and was so okay she was thinking about making out.

I just don't find it realistic: not that she'd be so okay emotionally and physically, nor that she'd keep travelling and being so willing to take more risks after every single time there is no time to process, not that she can just repress that much, all in a row, no sign of it, just joke around and be able to work And this is coming from a person who is always super hopeful as much as humanly possible, but you need breaks and you need to vent if you want to also support others.

it's always: she and Fitz get separated, and either Fitz travels through space and time to save her and then she has to put her trauma aside because everybody else was dealing with something huge in the meanwhile and she has to support them, or it's Fitz who is taken, she goes to bring him home and ultimately fails ? and then someone else saves him.

I don't like it. Fitz's storylines are mostly about how to save Jemma, Jemma's storylines are mostly about encouraging Fitz. I haven't really seen Fitz feel that much better, I haven't really seen Jemma react to anything that happened to her once she has left the site of the trauma. There is a lot that doesn't work for me. If I write the ship, it will be with Jemma traumatized, not always ready to see the positive brighter side anymore, needing just as much help and affection as the others not just from Fitz but from the whole team, and while she will stay as part of shield in verses where she's there it's going to be different. (Also hey, I'm all for women and men not having to be fighters to be good characters, but at the same time if your work involves constantly getting beaten, kidnapped, saving people, almost dying or having to be saved, you do have to learn to defend yourself and others as much as possible, so I don't think she'd be only relying on brute force and little gadgets like in the show, where, fair enough, every character has their thing, but she'd have trained to avoid feeling even more guilty for needing to be rescued again) Like, in the last three episodes, I totally get the excitement of being reunited to Fitz, the new wave of energy and strength at seeing him, and wanting to make out with him because she also expresses herself physically, but making jokes about having been a slave that are a one-liner and forgotten, and already in this episode encouraging everyone about the Zephyr, encouraging Fitz about changing the past, it just made me think: can she realistically have all that energy, hope, patience, after the horrible time she spent under Kasius' control, powerless, silent, the very opposite of Jemma Simmons, and this right after the mess of the Framework, which was right after the LMDs' horror? Even repression can only go so far, and not for 854894 traumas one after the other, and from there to being so nonchalant and hopeful it takes a lot

As much as I love the general idea of characters staying hopeful and playful and happy, in her context I just can't see it happening in a realistic way, not when it comes to her right there and then, so when I write I will write her differently and she might even break under stress, doesn't matter if she *has* to keep her head on, because sometimes it's just not a choice.