#I can barely focus on one task nevermind several

[itsahotsecondafter]

need to kill my inability to handle things with a stick

[rin-and-jade]

Damn it, Back to Square One: A Post about Skill Regression

It's like how that one time you had an interest to practice a cool trick for impressing people, and you're fully committed until it was pulled off perfectly, only to be performed once before its forgotten for a good while.. Yet, when you thought of going back to that well-practiced trick, it barely replicated the results that was from the previous attempt.

How? You perfectly knew how to do it inside your mind, but your hands failed to perform otherwise. Which means being forgetful wasn't the culprit, but to how our brains store these learnt skills--or behaviors. This is an example of skill regression, let's learn more!

TLDR fast pass: AVAILABLE

What was that?!

That setback? - oh, not to shock you with it being a real thing, here's the general definition of it:

"A phenomenon which entails gradual or abrupt loss of previously acquired skills." - PubMed Central

Yikes, um, nevermind. That DOES sound like a shocking problem... but yes, to put it simply, this regression can be regular or abrupt depending on the circumstances that triggers it. Skill regression also can manifest as temporary or permanent loss of any skills, too.

By the way, everyone can experience this type of regression, though for those who are neurodivergent,, they actually risk skill regressing 5x more than a normal person would, double freaking out right now? Save your screams, i haven't said it is doom's day with no cure.

Then why,, why?

im not telling. Just kidding,,

Here's where thing's get complicated.. There's two common neurodivergence, and those two divergence have fully different reasons why a skill regression was triggered. Isn't this wonderful--you're going to read longer than you'd expect now. (Ha! But knowledge is power.) I'll attempt to keep it as concise though;

Those with ADHD, this is why you got setback:

Stress - it can impede how well you perform or think, causing a temporary regression. Tasks that are usually effortless now takes double the amount of effort to achieve the same result.

Unfamiliarity - You might've practiced singing in your own personal home, the unique atmosphere, and audience who resides in that abode feels like a default setting due to exposure and repetition. So, if you were to do it outside in public, or a stage, the sense of anxiety and zero preparation in a different setting causes your brain to simply.. short circuit. It's temporary though.

Executive Dysfunction - because of how it impairs many other processes such as planning, action, memory, and focus,, these impairments can severely impact how you apply the learnt skills to reality. This is a comorbid-related default reason for regression.

Those with Autism, this is why you got setback:

Overstimulation - sensory disruptions and overwhelm can cause an imbalance in cognitive function, it's like how a computer lags from the sheer amount of information and causing all necessary operations to a halt. This is temporary, upon retreating from stressor.

Unpredictability - routine and stability is where people with ASD function at peak, obstacles that got caught up in the way breaks this flow of mind, as if a train had derailed from it's tracks. Depending on if it is solvable or not, it can be temporary or permanent regression.

Inconsistency - Skills need to be practiced, and often require repetition to further ingrain it. Without it, you would have difficulty applying to different contexts or even worse, fail to create a solid neural pathway and decayed. It can vary from temporary or permanent regression.

Other conditions that cause skill regression:

Neurogenerative diseases such as Alzheimer or Parkinson

Brain damage

Psychological disorders such as depression, OCD, Schizophrenia

Nutrient deficiencies that impact brain function

Withdrawal side effects

Stress

The issue complicates even further when you have other conditions, and/or have ADHD and Autism at the same time. This causes higher chances of overlapping and potential stressors that triggers the regression.

How is this system related?

I promise this post is also related to systemhood, but the basics on this phenomenon still has to be taught so you and i are on the same page. This has been sufficient, so let's finally get to the point of this post!

Right, this is where the questions start flooding, "why do alters have different proficiency?" "why are some unaffected, yet others are susceptible?", and other kinds. Let me go straight to the point.

Alters retain different memories, and they don't get to choose what they remember. These memories can be explicit or implicit information:

Implicit - Where actions are unconsciously adapted and performed, needing no conscious awareness or effort. Automatic. E.g. riding a bike, writing, holding cutlery.

Explicit - Where actions require active recall and thinking in order to be performed. Manual. E.g. math multiplication, reading comprehension, speaking (needs vocabulary)

Skill regression can impact two main aspects such as:

Your social skills - how you pronounce, how to start speaking, or how you use the words, or stay engaged in a conversation

Your motor skills - how you do independent actions, how well is your rough and soft skills, or muscle memory

And sometimes, you can have both skills impacted

Which means.. what the part remembers, can also impact different kinds of regression it will be susceptible too. For those who have shared skills but cannot perform as good, or at all, compared to the proficient alter, this regression is natural due to the dissociative element.

Something feels wrong..

What was that? You just had a realization which unintentionally causes you to function worser than ever without the skills returning?

It seems like you learnt to do things when masking. It basically means when you are used to living in a tight little box, and finally got out of it,, it is more difficult to fit in there again which conveys the strain in upkeeping the skills you had learnt previously.

The purpose of masking is to function on a daily basis to avoid conflict or negative experiences,, it can be as simple as conforming to the norm of "eye contact when talking" or alternatively it is how you cope while being unaware of your condition (such as baring uncomfortable textures, thinking everyone feels that way)

Problem here is, because it feels wrong/unaddressed yet it keeps you going, it will take more energy the longer you upkeep these skills in a masked state as the core issue wasn't tackled. This will slowly bring you to a burnout. So when you realize that this isn't the norm, your mind just drops everything on the ground in relief as its silently detrimental to your health, no matter how convinced you it is helpful.

This is a permanent skill regression caused by any kinds of exhaustion.

Things won't go back to normal?!

Sadly... no. Good news is, you can always build a new framework!

Though, you will be immediately greeted with a problem: hypersensitivity.

After realizing and being aware of the situation, the accumulated stress, and any other factors that comes into play,, being overwhelmed would happen in a daily basis when left unaddressed, so make sure to minimize the sensory/emotional stressors and pay attention to any heightened senses. Also incorporate regulation tools, since if emotions were suppressed when masking, unmasking means releasing these pent-up feelings, making emotions more intense than usual.

Burnout is not normal exhaustion too, so refrain from overexerting yourself and implement lots and lots of rest.

From here on, it will be easier to re-learn everything from the start, and specifically in ways that accommodates your needs. It takes plenty of time in order to see results, if you need any help in this aspect, you are always free to reach out to me or search for any resources regarding this.

Another reminder for yourself, this type of skill regression also cause other symptoms such as trouble focusing, poor memory, and overall difficulty in doing regular tasks as it feels taxing.

Last notes

Okay my bad, you must've expected that alters are involved with skill regression due to CDD's--but apparently, it is closer to neurodivergent experiences that manifested in systemhood.

What are your thoughts on this? I was surprised myself, were you too? Let me know what's interesting in this post so far, and other questions you might have!

- j

--

TLDR

What is Skill Regression?

Skill regression is the loss of previously acquired skills, either temporarily or permanently.

More common in neurodivergent individuals (e.g., ADHD, autism).

Causes of Skill Regression:

ADHD:

Stress: Impairs performance.

Unfamiliarity: New settings cause anxiety.

Executive Dysfunction: Affects planning and memory.

Autism:

Overstimulation: Sensory overload disrupts function.

Unpredictability: Routine disruptions cause setbacks.

Inconsistency: Lack of practice leads to skill decay.

Other Conditions That Cause Skill Regression:

Neurodegenerative diseases (Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s)

Brain damage

Psychological disorders (depression, OCD, schizophrenia)

Nutrient deficiencies

Withdrawal side effects

Stress

Skill Regression in Systems:

Alters may have different skill levels due to varied memories and experiences.

Dissociative elements can naturally cause skill regression.

Addressing Skill Regression:

Build new frameworks tailored to your needs.

Minimize stressors and incorporate regulation tools.

Ensure plenty of rest to avoid burnout.

Skill regression is more correlated to neurodivergence which in return affects system experiences, rather than where being a system causes skill regression.

[sunshineacd]

Drifting Beneath the Horizon

Carlos is regretting ever doubting that a hike could not be dangerous.

Written for day one of @911lonestarangstweek

[3373 words]

AO3

“Be safe, I love you.”

“I’ll promise as long as you do, I love you too.”

It’s the last thing that he and TK had said to each other as Carlos was dropping his boyfriend off at work. It’s something that the two of them had become accustomed to saying before departing for their days. Carlos remembers rolling his eyes at TK when he had said it to him that morning, TK knowing full well that Carlos was just going on a simple hike with Paul and not walking into something incredibly dangerous. But he’s regretting ever doubting that a hike could not be dangerous.

TK’s words echo in his head now as he lays on his back, staring up at the blue sky above him. It’s a beautiful sight really. But he can hardly admire it with the pain surrounding him, a feeling that he can’t quite place and when he tries to move, he’s met with a blinding pain. Black dots swim through his vision and there’s a ringing in his ears. Blinking against the sun, his vision begins to focus, though still hazy around the edges and suddenly he’s looking at Paul instead of the sky. His friend has a look of complete worry and fear in his eyes and Carlos has no idea why, they are hiking, supposed to be having fun, bonding. There should be no worry.

But when Paul’s gaze meets his, his features soften. “There you are. You scared me.”

Scared him? What would he have done to scare Paul? He didn’t mean to. “What happened?”

Carlos attempts to move again but is met with the same resistance of the pain along with a wave of nausea that nearly makes him pass out. Paul shakes his head, placing his hand onto Carlos’ shoulder. “No, don’t move, Carlos. Listen, man. You slipped from the cliff face and fell.”

Well, that would explain the pain.

“I did?” Carlos asks. He doesn’t remember. In fact, he hardly remembers getting to the hiking trail in the first place. Carlos looks to Paul who seems to come to this realisation and his look of worry grows.

“Can you tell me what hurts?” Paul asks.

“Something tells me you already know.” Carlos whispers and he tries his hardest to focus on his breathing, on keeping his eyelids from drifting closed.

“Just humour me, Reyes.”

Carlos closes his eyes for a moment, trying to come up with an answer but finds that he’s very much unable to think, the thumping in his head having become more persistent. But for a single moment, he thinks he can feel blood on the side of his face, he wills away that thought and reopens his eyes.

“My head.” He mumbles finally.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Paul says and Carlos feels pressure, along with softness against his skin. He flinches at the sensation and tries to move away. “I’m sorry, I have to try and stop the bleeding. I think it would be a safe bet to assume you have a concussion. Anything else hurt?”

Carlos goes back into his own mind, attempting to figure out if there truly is anything else but he comes up empty. He can’t really feel anything, which both relieves and scares him at the same time.

He decides on telling half the truth. “I can’t feel any other pain.”

Paul nods. “Alright, do me a favour and hold this to your head, okay? I’m just going to grab my cell from the backpack and see if I can call for help.”

Carlos slowly nods, the motion causing the nausea to return, hitting him hard. He bites back hard on the sickness as he raises a hand, taking Paul’s place in holding the cloth to his head. Paul moves from beside him and over to where Carlos assumes he had dropped his pack. He focuses on listening to what is happening, intent on staying awake. Having a paramedic as a boyfriend has surely given him the awareness he needs when it comes to concussions. But he struggles more and more, his eyes growing heavy with each passing minute and he slowly begins to slip, feeling his hand fall away.

“Whoa.” Paul says, alerting Carlos back to reality and he opens his eyes. He then feels the softness as the cloth is pushed back against his head again. “Hey, Carlos. Are you still with me?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” He whispers.

“Okay, you have to stay awake, alright? It’s almost over.” Paul says before he mumbles a curse. Carlos tilts his head to look and he sees Paul staring down at his phone in frustration. “I can’t get a signal.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

Paul chuckles lightly. “Yeah, it’s not ideal, that's for sure. I might - ah, nevermind.”

“What?”

“I just might be able to get some further up, but I’m not going to leave you here.”

“Yes you can.” Carlos says, too quickly for his own liking. He didn’t really want to be left alone but if it meant getting home and onto something more comfortable than a rock ledge, he’d be okay with that. “You have to go, Paul.”

“No, Carlos. I can’t do that. You’re hurt, I can’t just leave you here by yourself. Don’t even think about trying it, Reyes, you may be concussed but that won’t stop me from arguing with you.”

Carlos laughs, it’s barely there and it takes more power than he originally thought. “I’m tired.”

“I know you are, man. But you have to stay awake. I’m sure someone will come along eventually.”

He knows that Paul is simply trying to make him feel better but Carlos is sure he only saw two people walking and it had been in the opposite direction. But he wasn’t sure how long ago that would have been. He blinks a few times and the ringing is back in his ears, annoying him out of closing his eyes and going into the darkness. Carlos looks up and back to the sky, hoping and praying that someone will come along for them.

***

Carlos isn’t sure how long it’s been since he had fallen, having lost all sense of time. But the sky above him is now dark, stars dotting it and he thinks it must have been a few hours. Paul sits beside him, tending to his head wound and Carlos finds that his limbs are beginning to grow numb. Well, at least he can feel them now. He tries shifting, but finds that there’s a weakness in his limbs that prohibits them from moving. Paul seems to understand what he’s trying to do and so he helps him into a sitting position and leaning him back to the wall behind him.

“Thanks.” Carlos whispers, his voice thick with exhaustion and pain.

“You’re welcome. How are you feeling?” Paul asks as he reaches into the backpack for the water bottles.

“I’m okay. Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Where are we?”

Paul looks at him, freezing in his task of drinking from the bottle and he swallows hard. “You don’t remember?”

“No, not really.”

Carlos’ voice sounds weird to his own ears, like a different person’s words are coming from his mouth. “You hit your head and have a potentially severe concussion.”

Carlos frowns and lifts a hand to brush over where Paul had set gauze onto the wound on his head from the first aid kit. “That’s unfortunate.”

“Okay, I’m going to try for service again.”

Carlos nods and leans his head back, closing his eyes. It’s a welcomed relief that doesn’t last for long as he feels Paul’s hand on his shoulder. “Just five minutes.”

“No, Carlos. You can’t. I know it’s hard, man. But you just have to stay with me. Shit, there’s still nothing.”

“You’ll have to go higher up for service.” Carlos mumbles as he opens his eyes once again, looking to where Paul is staring at him. “What?”

There’s a look in Paul’s eyes that Carlos hasn’t quite seen come from the other man before but he isn’t totally sure what it is. It takes a moment for him to speak.

“We already talked about this, Carlos. I am not leaving you here.”

Carlos certainly can’t remember the conversation but he knows that whatever version of him had it would have been saying the same thing. “You have to, Paul. It’s the only way and it’s not fair for you to be out here just for the sake of me.”

"It's not fair to you to be left alone here."

Carlos tries his best to throw him a look despite the weakness he is feeling. "That's a pretty poor argument, Strickland."

Paul seems to hesitate for a moment, staring down at the phone in his hands before he takes a deep breath. "Are you sure? I really don't think it's a good idea."

"I'm sure. It's the only way we will get out of this mess."

Another moment of hesitancy passes before Paul finally looks up at him. "Okay, if you're sure. I will climb up and as soon as I find it, I'll be back. I promise."

"I trust you." Carlos whispers and he tries his hardest to push out a smile. "Now go."

Paul stands and throws his backpack over his shoulder, before making his way towards the ledge. He stops in his steps, turning back.

"Don't die on me, Reyes." He says and it sounds a whole lot like a threat.

Carlos manages to chuckle dryly. "I can't. TK would kill me."

Paul nods, giving him a smile before he turns and disappears from Carlos' sight. The moment he leaves, Carlos finds himself relieved to finally be able to close his eyes and go into the darkness.

***

Carlos dreams; the first is when he was a kid, sitting in the living room with his father watching a baseball game, both of them screaming at the TV. The second is when he was a teenager, cooking in the kitchen with his mother, laughing and learning. The dreams go into memories of hanging out with friends and going to school functions. But then they switch and suddenly TK is standing in front of him, a bright smile reaching to his green eyes. Carlos can't get over how much he loves them sometimes, how much he loves TK.

But just as quick as TK is there, he's gone again, disappearing into thin air and then everything disappears, until Carlos is left with only the darkness again.

***

When he opens his eyes again, he's met with a gaze that he adores so much. A gaze full of love and comfort. TK. Carlos can't help but to smile at the sight of him and he reaches up to bring a shaking hand to TK's cheek.

"Are you really here?"

TK leans into his touch, nodding his head. "I am. We've got you, baby."

Carlos nods and his gaze moves upwards, hoping to find the sky but instead finds the top of what looks like a vehicle. As he moves it again, he finds that TK is in his paramedic uniform.

"Is Paul okay?" Carlos asks.

"Yeah, he's okay. Don't worry, he's on his way back with Judd. Everything is okay."

"You gave us quite the scare, Reyes." He hears Nancy say from his other side. He nods, taking a deep breath as he closes his eyes.

"Hey, I need you to keep your eyes on me, Carlos. We'll be there soon and then you can rest. But right now, I need to see those eyes that I love so much." TK says, tapping his shoulder.

But Carlos can't open his eyes and suddenly he loses control of everything. He can hear TK and Nancy talking, TK's voice sounding more frantic and all Carlos wants to do is reach out. But he can't. He can't do anything but sit and wait as his body continues to convulse before everything goes completely silent. Then nothing.

***

TK shifts for the third time in the uncomfortable hospital chair, pulling his knees up to his chest before reaching over to grab Carlos’ hand again. It’s been four hours since Carlos had been brought into the hospital, his seizure having upgraded his condition from moderate to severe. But despite the doctors telling him that they are hopeful, Carlos still has yet to wake up. TK stares at his boyfriend, the way that his chest rises and falls as he takes slow and easy breaths. He moves his hand until his fingers find Carlos’ pulse point and when he feels the gentle thrum, he feels relief wash over him.

A knock at the door startles him from his thoughts and he turns to look, finding Paul standing in the doorway, a tray with two cups of coffee in one hand and a package in the other. TK tries his best to smile as a way of inviting Paul into the room and the other man approaches as TK turns back towards Carlos. Paul takes the seat next to him and holds out one of the cups.

“I got this for you.” He says and when TK takes it, he extends his other hand that is holding the plastic package, which TK can now see is a sandwich. “Also this. I know you said you weren’t hungry but I really think you should try eating.”

“Thanks.” TK whispers, taking a sip of the coffee before setting it down and fiddling with the plastic tab on the sandwich. He knows logically Paul is right, he should be eating something but every time he tries, sickness just immediately takes over.

“Has there been any change?” Paul asks.

TK shakes his head, squeezing Carlos’ hand. “No, they said they are hopeful but he hasn’t woken up. His parents are on their way.”  

TK hears Paul shift in his seat before clearing his throat. “TK, I’m sorry.”

TK’s eyebrows knit together in confusion and he manages to pull his gaze away from Carlos long enough to look at his friend. “Sorry for what?”

“For leaving him. If I had just stayed with him then maybe—”

TK shakes his head, effectively stopping Paul’s words.  “Then maybe he would be in a lot worse shape. You did what you had to do, Paul.”

Paul shrugs, looking down at his coffee cup. TK has never seen his friend like this, the other man is always so confident. “I don’t know.”

“I do.” TK insists. “All I know is that you helped him and brought him back to me. Everything else doesn’t matter and I’m sure that he would think the exact same thing.”

“I could have done it earlier. He tried telling me to go before but I didn’t, I let it get worse before he was totally out of it.” Paul says, shaking his head. “I should have listened to him.”

“Paul, listen to me, if I know anything it’s you will drive yourself crazy with ‘what if’s’. It is a thought process that will exhaust you. You can try all you want, but it won’t change anything. The most important part is that you are both here and that you are safe now. That’s all that matters to me, okay?”

Paul nods, taking a deep breath. “That helps.”

TK smiles. “He’s strong, he’ll make it through. And when he does, he’ll probably yell at you for thinking like this is your fault.”

Paul chuckles, shaking his head. “Oh yeah, he definitely would.”

“Seriously though,” TK says, glancing back at Carlos. “All of that was just to say thank you.”

“Hey, it’s no problem. He’s my best friend.” Paul says matter-of-factly. “I’ll always look out for him.”

“And I’m glad he has you to look out for him when I can’t.” TK whispers before turning back towards Carlos. “I just hope he wakes up soon.”

He feels Paul’s hand on his shoulder. “He will, TK. Like you said, he’s strong and besides, he did say you would kill him if he didn’t wake up.”

TK can’t help but smile, even if it is just a small one and he shakes his head. But despite it all, he can’t help but to think about how he wouldn’t be able to live if Carlos didn’t wake up. He tries hard to push the thought out of his head, but finds it lingering there, weighing him down until he feels as though he is drowning in it.

***

TK gives up trying to sleep, his mind running at a million miles. His family had left, promising to return in the morning but he insisted on being able to stay. He knows he wouldn’t be able to sleep in their bed without Carlos beside him. He settles for scrolling through his phone, his tired eyes attempting and failing to focus on something. He sighs, putting his phone on the side table before curling himself back up into the chair and resting his head on his hand, closing his eyes. “TK.”

TK hears the familiar voice and feels his heart skip a beat. He’s not sure if it’s totally real or a product of a dream, but his eyes pop back open anyway.  He looks quickly to find Carlos staring at him through a half open gaze. It takes a few moments for his eyes to open fully and TK feels a wave of relief wash over him.

“Hey Carlos.” TK says, his voice gentle and he leans forwards, running his hand carefully through Carlos’ curls in hope of soothing him.

“What happened? Where am I?” Carlos asks, squeezing his eyes shut for a few seconds. “Why does my head hurt so bad?”

“You’re in the hospital.” TK explains. “You fell while hiking and hit your head, got yourself a pretty nasty concussion which resulted in a seizure. But the doctors say you’re going to be okay, everything will be okay. You’re safe now.”

Carlos takes a deep breath before swallowing hard. “Is Paul okay?”

“He’s fine, baby. Everything is okay, I promise. How are you feeling? Do you need anything?”

“No,” Carlos whispers, reaching to grab TK’s free hand. “I’m good. Are you okay?”

TK chuckles, shaking his head. “Only you, Carlos Reyes, would ask me if I’m okay when you’re sitting in a hospital bed. Honestly.”

Carlos smiles and it’s one of the most wonderful sights TK has ever seen. “I can’t help it.”

“I know. I can’t help it either.” TK says. “I’m a whole lot better now that you’re here with me.”

“I’m glad.” Carlos mumbles, closing his eyes for a moment. “I saw you, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know like when you’re on the brink of death and you see your life flash before your eyes? You were there. You were the last thing that I saw, that I thought of before I went under. You were it for me, you are it for me. But I can’t tell you how relieved I am that I get to see your eyes again.”

TK feels an overwhelming sense of emotion at Carlos’ declaration and even with him attempting to hold them back, tears fall from his eyes. “You’re it for me too, Carlos. You’re everything to me. I think you’ll be everything to me for the rest of my life.”

“The rest of your life, hey?” Carlos whispers, his eyes blinking closed. “I like the sound of that.”

“Me too.” TK whispers back before leaning up to place a gentle kiss to Carlos’ cheek. “Get some rest, baby.”

“Stay.” Carlos says as sleep begins to take him, his hand squeezing TK’s.

“I will. Always. I promise.”

And they are words that echo between them in that moment and that will continue to years into the future. As they spend each day falling more and more in love, TK finds that he'll always need Carlos by his side. That if anything had happened to the other man, TK was sure he'd fall completely apart. But as they sit with their hands pressed together and TK settled in as close as he can get to Carlos all those thoughts disappear. They are safe and together, and TK can be glad for that.

[angelkurenai]

Imagine saying you volunteer when Sam says Dean needs to get laid because of how on edge he has been lately.

“So they were both found together, bodies burned beyond recognition. But the weird thing is that they were on the table in positions that indicated they had somehow fallen asleep. So, possession or something else?”

“Or someone simply put something in their drinks. Drugged them and burned the house down with them in it. Really, no more to it than the local police could deal with.” Sam mumbled as a response, making you raise an eyebrow at how accurate and well-thought it could be when you were barely listening to Dean and half of the things he said at the moment. Both too occupied by the video playing on the tablet you and Sam were sharing and also very occupied by savoring the cookies in front of you to pay attention to anything let alone form a proper sentence for that matter. But apparently the younger Winchester was able to multitask and not let his brother feel left out, despite his obnoxious need to find a new case.

It had been days without a case and while at first he enjoyed it, taking time off and finding every excuse to cuddle with you, the older Winchester soon found out he began to feel tired and itching to occupy himself with a case. And while you, Sam or Cas wouldn't mind, there didn't seem to be anything out there too obvious. And as time passed Dean grew from impatient to downright cranky, which really didn't help the situation much. Not when every case he saw he made it look like it was your kind of thing.

“Yeah, that. That.” you muttered, paying even less attention to them, which had started to become and easier task as the days passed.

“There were freaking candles everywhere, based on what could be saved, there were even summoning spells and books on demons and what not. The table itself was filled with- with all kinds of things used for spells, and you keep saying it's just drugs?”

“Or it's just nothing more than revenge? You said it, they were fake psychics, deceiving people. Who says it didn't get to the point where something really bad happened and someone decided to take matters into their own hands. Drugs in their water, or something, set a fire with one of the candles – which couldn't have been that hard with all the easily flammable things they had scattered around. There-” he shrugged, only for the briefest of moments looking up at his brother “Nothing the real feds can't handle.”

Once more you would have stared in awe at Sam for how he had been able to think all that and say it as if he had been really paying attention to Dean – you knew he wasn't, not entirely, not like everybody else for the past couple days anyway – but refered from it. You only hummed in agreement, all words having been forgotten in meres seconds.

“Yeah... that.” you mumbled once more.

Dean narrowed his eyes at you but didn't comment on it, knowing it was in his best interests not to mess with you anyway, before looking back at his brother “And you think they wouldn't have noticed there was something in their drinks? It was their house, Sam.”

“Maybe they were forced to drink it. They knew but say, under the threat of a gun, the had no choice.” again another casual shrug came after his words.

“Mhm sounds right. I agree with Sam.” was your only contribution, even though no words registered in your mind.

“You-” Dean started but once more shook his head “Nevermind. And you-” he turned to his brother “You're not even listening to me! And you all of a sudden have the case solved?”

“I mean there's not much to think about on that. Was there any sulfur to begin with?”

“Well, no but actually-”

“Then, it's definitely not a case of possession. And don't tell me it's about some pagan god or anything, because then what about all the stuff that was found in their place? Those two don't tie in.”

“Hmh. That.” you nodded your own head, eyes glued on the screen.

“Just admit I'm right and focus a bit on the- oh! Oh! Now that he didn't see coming.” Sam snickered as you laughed, all words forgotten and your attention fully on the screen; all the while completely ignoring the glare Dean was definitely sending you.

“That's what you call paying attention then huh?” he grumbled.

“I am Dean, but there's really no reason- Shit! Did he really do that?”

“Damn it, can you focus? This is not a joke!” Dean sounded as agitated as always the past couple days “Sam? Sam are you even listening? (Y/n)? Fuck it, you're clearly paying no attention. This is not a game and you two-”

“Wow Dean enough, ok? Enough.” Sam finally looked up “Either try to find something else to read or find someone to get laid, but just calm-”

“I volunteer.” this was the first time your voice was heard crystal clear and you looked more present than before. It took both men a couple seconds to grasp it, blinking several times.

“Y-you- what?” Dean asked in a much more rough voice, eyebrows raised in... interest?

“I volunteer.” you shrugged casually, as if it was the most simple thing in the world “For the latter of course. Don't know how I'd be of any help to the first one.” you added after a couple of seconds of utter silence and raised eyebrows and possibly wide eyes.

“Yeah. Thanks for clarifying that, (Y/n). As if it wasn't abundantly clear already.” Sam muttered, pursing his lips for a second “And it's at this point that you decide to pay attention and speak up, isn't it?”

“Well, what are friends for? Right Dean?” you looked at the older Winchester who didn't know if this was real or not because it looked like he was seeing or hearing something out of his wildest dream with the way his eyes were sparkling.

“I mean, you know, some could say it really is.” he shrugged, hardly being able to ide his smile.

“Obviously. So, just tell me what you want me to do and I'd be very happy to help. In any way.”

“Well, you know what? Since you insist, I can't really-”

“Oh no no. No, absolutely not!” Sam nearly exclaimed, his words so fast you could barely understand him, but judging by the wide eyes and look of terror on his face you had a vague idea of what he was thinking and what he didn't want to think “No, don't you even.” he gave Dean a look before he pushed the screen closer to you “You- you go back to eating your cookies and- and focus on this. And you-” he turned to Dean “Here, let me take a look at that article. You wanna discuss about a possible case? I am all ears.”

“So you wanna hear about that now?” Dean said reluctantly and Sam nodded frantically his head.

“Yes, yes absolutely yes. I'd much rather have to hear to- to how they could have died and how their burned bodies were rather than anything... else.” he said much more uncomfortable, clearing his throat.

“Well, sorry to tell you little brother but now I've got other interests. You were absolutely right-” he really delicately closed his laptop “Why rush to get back on work. There are certainly more things one can do.” he said, to Sam really, but his eyes and coy smile were completely directed at you.

[sweetest-honeybee]

To Hell and Back

Chapter 13

Summary: Ex and Hels go to meet other Hermits but a certain butcher throws Hels into a panic attack.

Characters: Helsknight, Evil Xisuma, Doc, Xisuma mention, Giran mention, Scar mention, and Beef is there briefly

TW: Panic attack, asthma attack mentions, stuff like that.

Yes, I gave scar asthma for this bc I needed a reason for something in this chapter

———————

After that whole ordeal, the two continued to meet at other areas in the map for the next week. Ex proposed the idea to give Hels a little tour, mostly sticking around the shopping district.

“And this is Grumbot, they said he got all messed up so they built a little private world for him,” said Evil Xisuma. They landed on the perch just in front of a small window and peeked inside. “Still happy as ever,” he mused.

“What does it do? Does it have some kind of purpose?”

“Ah, well while I was still staying in Xisuma’s base, they had some kind of election for a mayor of the shopping district. Grumbot if I’m correct was supposed to help Mumbo in winning.”

Hels nodded slowly at the answer. “Alright then...Did he win?”

Ex shook his head with pursed lips. “No, Scar won. He got all the diamonds everyone spent on plots of land for their shops to use for repairs and new stuff and whatnot.”

Hels hummed in response. “Well no wonder Grumbot was so upset. I hope he’s a good leader. When you had me meet him, he didn’t seem much like the leading type. He’s all soft.”

“Soft, yes. But he’s kind to the Hermits and myself. I believe he’s had quite a rough past which probably made way for some kind of pity vote here and there if you ask me.”

Hels gave Ex a pointed look, completely disregarding Ex’s last statement. “Rough past?”

“Yeah, I dunno if you saw that he’s covered head to toe in scars, which is probably where the name came from, but he’s said something here and there about some people he’s come across a long time ago.” The man shrugged. “I don’t know a whole lot about it.”

Hels looked back at the smiling Grumbot. “Well, with a good origin story emerges some kind of hero, I suppose.”

“That’s odd coming from you. I think you’re spending too much time around Xisuma.” The knight merely responded by playfully punching him in the arm.

Then Hels wondered. “Why wasn’t Xisuma the mayor, though? He’s the ruler of-��� Hels gestured around them vaguely “-All of this.”

Ex shook his head. “I thought so too, but he said he’s not the one who makes all the decisions around here and he’s not fitting for the job anyways. Apparently everyone helps with all the decision making and whatnot.”

Hels hummed, considering the thought. “Alright then, shall we continue? I believe there’s some Hermits you haven’t introduced me to. I’ve heard that there’s a creeper-cyborg-guy running around. Something about goats?”

Ex laughed at the thought of Hels meeting Doc. “I actually think the two of you may get along quite well! Same with Joe Hills. His poetry and your dramatic speeches certainly go hand in hand.” He eyed Hels with a grin while the knight rolled his eyes. “But yes, we can continue. Though, I would like you to meet Beef as well but Wels lives near his place. I think it’d be cool to meet the person who practically created you.”

“Well, the vessel anyways.”

“Right, let's head off then and give Grumbot some privacy.”

With that, the two lifted off once more, this time coming across a weirdly shaped mountain miles away accompanied by a large house split into halves. As they landed, they spotted Doc hardly a few meters away. The creeper was too busy moving items to different chests repeatedly, probably sorting, to notice the new company.

“Hello, Doc! I’d like to introduce you to a new friend of mine that’s gonna live on the server for a while!”

Ex must’ve startled the old man. An easy assumption when Doc quite harshly smacked the back of his head on the lid of the chest while standing. Glancing at Evil Xisuma, he rubbed at his neck.

“Next time, I’d rather not have people sneaking up on me.” His eyes then landed on Hels. “Woah, did Wels go through an emo phase?” He chuckled at his own joke.

“Hardy har har. I’m his evil clone.”

Doc merely rolled his eyes. “I’m not surprised. Beef was asking for some help regarding his cloning machine after you were created.”

Hels raised a brow at the comment. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Doc just shrugged. “Dunno. Probably doesn’t want more evil clones running around.” He clapped his hands together. “Anyways! What can I do for you guys, I’m a bit busy at the moment so you’ll have to be quick,” Doc ended with a pointed glare at Hels.

“Just needed to introduce him to everyone and we’ll be on our way. Nothing much else than that. I’ll just let him wander a bit and look around if that’s alright.”

“Fine with me, just don’t use my villagers, farms, or break anything that takes a lot of effort to replace.” Doc waved a hand dismissively as he walked back over to his chest, beginning to sort again.

With that, Hels looked up at the mountain near them. “Hey, what’s with the mountain? Looks like an animal head.”

Without removing his focus from the chest, Doc simply replied, “It’s a goat.”

“Alright then.” Hels looked over at Ex. “I don’t believe there’s too much to look at over here, we can move on. If you’d like me to meet Beef now, we can do that.”

Doc couldn’t help but to glance at them after Hels’s suggestion. “I thought Wels doesn’t want you near his base.”

“Mind your business old man.”

Doc glared at the knight once more and turned back to his chest, grumbling something under his breath along the lines of ‘I’m not that old’. The pair snorted at the scientist.

“Okay, let's go then.”

It wasn’t a very long flight this time, much to Hels’s surprise. He thought Beef lived much farther away than where he settled. The sandstone village came into view within hardly a couple minutes.

But for some reason, Hels found the village intimidating.

“I wonder if he’s here, he’s not around a lot,” Ex prefaced. As if on cue, the butcher came into view from the blacksmith, several iron bars and end rods piled in his arms. “Ah, nevermind then. Let’s say hello!”

Before Ex went approaching Beef, he was caught short by the wrist. He turned and found the knight gripping it quite harshly, a frown deepening on his face.

“Hels, would you please let go of me?”

The knight pulled him back a foot or two behind the building. “Um, actually maybe we can just do this later. He seems busy.”

Ex cocked his head to the side. “That didn’t stop us with Doc, Mumbo, Grian, Star, Xisuma, Stress, Ren-“ Hels shushed him quickly.

“No, I don’t care. Let’s just go.” Hels tugged on his wrist once more, Ex not budging from his current placement. Worry suddenly became evident in his expression.

“Is something wrong?”

Hels just shook his head, a flush creeping across his face, but oddly enough, Ex recognized that it wasn’t the good kind. “No- Please will you just come with m-“

“Is everything alright over here?” The knight stopped mid pull. To his left, Beef stood with purple glittered hands on his hips. “Why are you pulling on him like that, let the dude go.”

Without hesitation, Hels slipped his hand away. “Sorry,” he mumbled. He exhaled shakily.

Beef raised a brow almost in unison with Ex. “You’re not looking so hot, are you feeling okay? There’s a library behind you if you wanna sit in there.”

“Hels, I dunno if you know this but you’re pale. Like really pale. Do I need to call Stress and Xisuma?”

The knight shut his eyes tightly, shaking his head again, harder this time. “Beef please leave,” he croaked. With a slight nod, the butcher left. “I um-“ Hels swallowed thickly, “-Ex, remember when uh- when I said that I get scared sometimes and cry in a corner?”

Ex had to think for a second before his eyes widened. “Is that what’s happening right now?” He looked around frantically. “There’s not really any good corners here-“

“No- No, I just- please just take me somewhere else, I need to be out of this village. What’s uh- where’s the nearest place?”

“Closest place is Wels’s base but we can’t go there.”

Yeah, that would probably make it worse, especially if the other knight was at his base. Then, Hels had an idea.

“Chorus fruit,” he exhaled.

“What?”

“Do you have chorus fruit.”

Ex nodded with an “Oh” and pulled the round purple fruit from his inventory. Immediately, Hels snatched one from him.

“Take a bite on three and hold my hand.” Ex did so. With the final number, the two took a bite and, almost too conveniently, they landed at the greenhouse. Hels didn’t let go of his hand, however, the grip only became much tighter while he dragged them both to the floor.

“Do I need to get someone?”

Hels shook his head, screwing his eyes shut.

“What do I do then?”

The knight struggled for words through vigorous shaking. He just kept shaking his head and leaned into the other, taking the held hand into both of his own.

Ex honestly had no clue what to do. He’s never seen this happen to any of the other Hermits, let alone Hels. But one thing he did know is that a person shouldn’t really be breathing that frantically.

That then tied to a memory back to an event involving Scar. The terraformer had asthma, he knew. He could vaguely pinpoint a moment where Grian had helped him out of an asthma attack. And while he did so, he had Ex retrieve Stress. The evil hermit caught on to the breathing exercises the two followed before following through with his task.

Would that work? Hels didn’t have asthma. Ex wasn’t even sure if those exercises were even for whatever was happening right now.

“Hey- Hey Hels, I’m going to try something. This will be stupid, but bare with me.” He lightly tapped the other on his shoulder with his free hand and Hels lifted his face ever so slightly to face him a bit more. “Good job,“ he repeated the words from Grian. “I need you to breathe with me, can you do that?”

Initially, Hels shook his head once more. But a second after he stopped, there was a small hint at a nod.

“Awesome, just follow my lead.” Ex inhaled slowly through his nose while the knight followed his first step, albeit shakily. He then exhaled out of his mouth, letting Hels take his time to follow again after another bout of shallow breaths. “You’re doing great,” he parroted again. “We’re going to do that a few more times.”

And again, they did. Inhale through the nose, exhale out of the mouth. Granted, when Scar was having his troubles, he had some kind of machinery next to him to help him breathe, but at least this was close. Inhale again through the nose, then exhale out of the mouth.

Absentmindedly, the evil hermit trailed his fingers over the other’s back lightly. He didn’t honestly expect this to work, he thought someone was going to have to come help him. He knew for sure that he was going to have to tell someone about what happened but he’d cross that bridge when he got to it.

Soon, Hels had his face tucked into the crook of Ex’s neck, much to Ex’s dismay. He loved the guy but he’d rather his suit not be wet with tears. Still, he kept his own firm grip in the tangle of fingers between their legs and the attack died down into minimal shaking.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He proposed. Hels pulled himself away from the other’s chest and Ex practically felt his own heart break at the sight. There was the courageous and merciless knight, red faced and puffy eyed, a few tears still making their way down his cheeks, others merely sticking to them. Hels wiped at them pathetically.

“Yeah.”

“Okay then, what happened? What caused it?”

Hels meekly shrugged. “The village I guess. I dunno for sure.”

“Was it Beef? You wanted him to leave almost as soon as he came to talk.”

The knight stuttered. Ex was a bit too blunt for his liking when it came to asking questions. “I- I don’t know- He’s not even that bad. There was…” he took a deep breath. This was pathetic. Here was one of the strongest and most powerful people in Hels talking about his feelings. “The village kind of did it before we even landed,” he finally concluded.

Ex shifted in his spot. “Well, would it help to tell you about something I’m afraid of? Or at least used to be? Xisuma does it sometimes when I’m scared.”

The corners of Hels’s mouth twitched upwards just slightly. “Sure.”

“Flowers.”

“F...flowers? You’re afraid of flowers and you own a flower shop and a greenhouse?” The knight sat up more.

Ex wagged a finger with his free hand. For a second upon noticing this, Hels let go of his other hand. “I said ‘or at least used to be’. I’m not afraid of them much anymore, a little unnerving with some specific kinds, but they’re my favorite thing in the world right now!”

The evil hermit knew he must’ve been doing something right when Hels let out a snort. “Flowers….who would believe.” He shook his head, lightly this time.

“Xisuma certainly found it odd. When I was still in my bad guy days, I came through this portal and everything and I told him I was gonna kill him. He was like ‘What’s stopping you?’ and at the time he was holding flowers.” The knight nodded along to his story. “After that I just ran away and-“

“The Lord of Darkness called you an idiot. I remember that because everyone in Hels heard it.”

Ex pulled a hand to his chest in mock offense. “He did not!” He laughed. “Okay maybe he did.”

The two fell into silence, now noticing the sun falling behind the hills slowly. A minute passed.

“What’s Xisuma afraid of?” asked Hels.

“Xisuma? Oh, he’s afraid of a lot of things. A lot more than me, I think and I’m scared of everything.” Hels chuckled at his phrasing. “Hm, I think he said one time that he was actually quite terrified of Enderman. But he’s not like….run away kind of scared. He’ll attack them when they scare him.”

“Fight or flight,” Hels muttered. Ex took notice to the setting sun.

“We should get going, I don’t want you falling asleep in here again. Are we going to go back to Beef at some point? Or we could meet him somewhere else.”

Hels shrugged. “I don’t know. I think it'll be fine if you give it a couple days.” He yawned. “Jeez, that wore me out.”

[luhlust]

Lost but Found a Mystic Messenger Scenario

Pairing: Zen/Hyun Ryu X Reader

Overview: You are a sheltered daughter of a wealthy man who escaped through the help of a red haired hacker with many hidden secrets.

Note: Hello! This is Part 2. PART 1

•-—-•

"Remember, keep your back straight and always smile but make it natural-" your guardian stared at you, supervising and bossing around the other servants while rambling about her silly lectures the whole time you were getting ready. The atmosphere was tense, everyone is clearly serious at the sudden task and you are somehow glad that you cannot really hear her tedious lectures clearly over the sounds of the blow dryer. You really hate being surrounded and being touched by several people at the same time, the whole process of being ready for occasions like this never fails to make you uncomfortable.

Your hairdresser finally sets the dryer off, brushing a few strands of your hair, letting it flow to your shoulder neatly. Your stylists brought out a black dress with a semi-see through laced sleeves that reaches above your knees. You cursed at the lace features knowing how it will irritate you some time later but it is not entirely a bad choice, you took note of how elegant the dress looks and it is not too formal nor it is too casual making the dress in the borderline of the two. You slipped the dress on before sitting back down for them to finish your make up.

They lifted your feet to put on a matching open-toed strapped sandals that added a few inches to your height. Seeing yourself in the mirror, you cannot bring yourself to judge your overall appearance poorly since they did a good job in bringing out your best features and you do look good; sacrificing your comfort seems reasonable now.

"Ah, Lady (y/n), you look super pretty," one of them squealed, boosting your ego and of course, making yourself a little shy but nevertheless, you thanked her for the compliment. "Alright ladies, you did a great job. We have no time to lose, your father is already waiting for you in the car, Lady (y/n)." Your guardian dismissed the others, signalling you to follow her. Your heart skipped a beat, excitement pulsed through your vein, you cannot help but grin with every step you take. Your mind was in the gutter, completely overwhelmed at the thought that for the first time in your life, you will be outside of the mansion.

Guards surrounded you, blocking you from the view of the halls to make it difficult for you to remember the way out, much to your dismay. You sighed in annoyance, your father is really is a detail-oriented man. You did your best to somehow get a little grasp on where you guys are going but with an attention span as big as an ant, you gave up halfway.

After walking for 10 minutes, as you estimated, you came face to face with a steel door that can be opened through a scan of of an eye; the scene looked like it was taken from a sci-fi movie!

"Identity confirmed, Ms. Sae In," your heard an automated voice coming from the small speaker before the door slowly opened. You squinted your eyes at the sudden change of brightness, startstrucked upon seeing the bright blue sky along with the fluffy white clouds that made you want to bite on it like cotton cady. The wind brushed past your face, you cannot help but let out a contented sigh as you continued to walk down the gates, several servants greeted you with a bow, opening the door of the car for you.

"Ah, Sae In, your efforts are commendable today," Your father commented, ushering you to get inside the car quickly. "It was the best we can do in an hour, sir," your guarduan politely dismissed his compliment, giving you a look you know so well. "I got it! Have some faith in me," she shakes her head in exasperation.

"Just try to be normal," you winked at her before the window rolled up, tinting the environment slightly darker in your vision. Your eyes were glued to the window, admiring everything your eyes can spot. It was the first time you see them with your own eyes and not through the screen or a picture. Your father took a glimpse on you through the mirror, he immediately can sense your happiness as it radiated on you brightly.

"Ah, (y/n), there's actually another person I like you to meet. I'm sure the two of you wou-,"your father's eyes met yours, immediately making him cut himself off, "Ah you know what nevermind. I'll tell you when we are there." You simply nodded, completely oblivious to what your father has just said as you were too focus on your surroundings.

It did not ever register to you that 3 hours had passed and you were already at your destination. The car came into a halt, the bodyguards got off first to open the door for you and your father. As soon as the door opened, you looked up and gazed at the tall building.

"C&R..."

You followed your father through the entrance of the building where you came face to face with a  brown haired woman wearing a glasses, looking over with some files attached to her clipboard.

As soon as she took note of your arrival, she immediately bowed and introduced herself, "Come this way, we have been waiting for you sir." You took your time in appreciating the interior design of the building. It was minimalistic and clean, whoever  was in charge of designing the building deserves an applause.

Your father converse with the woman you now know as Assistant Kamg due to her I.D. laced around her neck. Once the two of you were situated inside the elevator, she pressed on the button with the highest floor. "Ah, right, this is my daughter, (y/n)." You smiled at her and she reciprocated the gesture before the two of you could engage in a small talk, your father immediately directed the attention back to him, "Is the chairman's son available?" You can see how her face contorted in confusion, relaxing after a second before replying, "He is currently in his office but if you are to request his presence, he is flexible."

The door opened with a soft ding, the sounds of your sandals colliding with the floor echoed through the hall. At the end of the hall, you can see a man standing with a sly grin. "My dear friend Choi! I looked forward in meeting you!" He gave your father a welcoming hug. "And who is this lovely maiden over here?" He let out his hand, you smiled at him. "Choi (y/n), sir. It's a pleasure to meet you." You took his hand and firmly shake it, making him chuckle before facing back to your father.

"I see, your daughter has grown into a fine woman! Well, let's have a seat inside shall we." The CEO, you assume, opened the door where a woman you recognize as Glam Choi is seating with a wine between her fingers. The Assistant suddenly went to whisper something in the CEO's ear. "Is that so?" He trailed off, before shrugging. "Well, she is to be part of C&R soon, let her roam around while I have a little chat with Mr. Choi here." Confused at his statement, you looked over at Assistant Kang seemed shocked but nodded in reply.

"Ms. Choi? Here is a pass. As directed by the Mr. Han, you are to freely roam the entire building but please do observe the rules and regulations. I can briefly explain each but it is mostly to not disturb any work and to not go into an authorized room," she handed you a small card that has VIP printed out. "Thankyou, uh...," you looked at her I.D. once more, Kang Jaehee. "Jaehee, I'll surely act in accordance to your rules." She smiled upon seeing how flustered you were. "Here is my business card, if you need anything, do not be afraid to call me. If you are to excuse me..." You bowed at her as goodbye, staring at the small piece of card that has her basic contanct information.

You waved goodbye as the elevator door closed once more. Letting out a breath of relief, although you really like to be more sociable, you did not expect it to be tiring as this. You brought your phone out, feeling a little giddy upon adding the assistant's contact, it was the first ever number you saved on your phone.

Maybe you'll get to be able to talk to her after this day.

Your heart sank at the thought that your time here is limited. You looked at the glass where you can see silhouette of your father, he was the only one wearing glasses so it is not that difficult to distinguish him from the rest. You silently hoped his meeting never ends, being in a new environment sure do bring such joy in your heart.

Slapping yourself lightly on the cheek, you pumped yourself, "Alright! Time to stop moping around and to enjoy the moment."

You didn't really know where you are going so you called Ms. Kang if there's any interesting spots in the building and she told you about the garden in the rooftop. Problem is, she had to cut the call short and did not really specify how to go to the said garden so here you are again, lost in the halls of a building you barely know.

You could have asked other staff that were present but you did not really want to disturb them so you figured you would bump into it soon. Aimlessly wandering, you soon found yourself starinf at a deadend. "Ah? Not again..," you cursed, turning on your heels only for you to stop in your tracks, seeing someone has just blocked the way.

"Who are you? What is your business here?" You looked up, a man in a business suit with stripes and a jet-black tamed hair glared down on you, his raven eyes seemed to attract your interest as you find yourself lost in them, not realizing how you have been staring at him for a minute now.

Jumin sighed, closing his eyes to calm himself, his father has brought his new girlfriend in and is asking for him to meet her along with a new acquaintance plus the issue with the R.F.A. is sure taking a toll in him but being the man he is, he needs to be composed whether this person infront of him is a threat or not. Plus, he is carrying Elizabeth the 3rd as he brought her in the company to compensate for the time he is not able to be with her due to several reasons (R.F.A., MC, and 707).

"Your eyes are really pretty," you said mindlessly before closing your mouth with your palms, horrified that you have just said your thoughts out loud. Jumin did not expect such spontaneous compliment, "A-Ah, I'm sorry! Am I not allowed to be here? I did not see any restrictions signs though." You look around, trying to justify your statement. Jumin took this time to examine you, his eyes immediately focused on the V.I.P. lace. "Ah, I see." Putting the pieces together, Jumin inferred that maybe you are he acquaintance his father wanted him to meet.

"Meow~" Elizabeth the 3rd purred in his arms, breaking his thoughts off, remembering his agenda with his father. Hearing the cat meow, you gushed in your mind how cute the fluffy white cat sitting comfortably in the arms of the man infront of you. You wanted to pet it but you were too shy to ask if you are permitted to do so.

Jumin cannot help but let out a small sigh seeing the sparks in yout eyes as it made contact with his precious Elizabeth the 3rd. He coughed, grabbing your attention. "You must be Ms. Choi, I am terribly sorry for my manners. I assumed you were either an employee slacking off or an intruder. I'm Han Jumin." You shake your head, telling him you did not mind. "It's fine, the CEO told me I am able to loiter around and I was trying to find the garden Ms. Kang mentioned," scratching your cheeks in attempt to make the situation less awkward, your eyes cannot seem to find where to look so you ended up looking at the cat again.

"You seem fixated on Elizabeth the 3rd, I'll take it that you are captivated by her splendor," you chuckled at the fancy name but it somehow suited the cat's appearance. "Elizabeth the 3rd is a nice name! Did you name her?" You questioned, watching the cat licks it paws in an elegant manor.

"No, a dear friend did." He replied, amused to know someone other than him si appreciating Elizabeth the 3rd more less her name, unlike someone he knows.

"It's nice to meet you Elizabeth the 3rd, you are really really really adorable, hey Jumin, can I pet her?" Jumin's eyes widened at how you casually called him by his name. He wanted to call you out about it but, he decided against it. "If Elizabeth the 3rd wont mind, go ahead."

You slowly placed your hand on top of her white head, softly petting her as she leaned towards you more. "Meow~" You giggled at her adorable reaction, it was like you got wrapped around her tail, drawing you closer into her. "Mr. Han! Ms. Choi! Your father are asking for the two of you!" You peeked behind Jumin, seeing Ms. Kang approach you.

"Oh right! Father." You sweatdropped, passing by Jumin until you remembered you don't know how to get back to the CEO's office. "Jaehee, I don't remember the way." You pouted, Jaehee chuckled and assured you it was fine and it is her job to escort you anyways. "Oh, Jumin you're coming too?" Jumin shot you a puzzled look, it was as if you asked a stupid question. Jaehee seemed to sense your question was purely genuine and decided to clear up your confusion. "Mr. Han is the son of the CEO."

You gasped, looking back and forth at the two. If your guardian learned anything about this or worse, your father, you dreaded what punishment awaits you. "I'm sorry Jumi-ah-Mr. Han! I should have shown you more respect!" You apologized, bowing a complete 90 degrees, Jumin is somehow amazed at how you did not recognize him despite his repuatation. "It is not a big of a deal, Ms. Choi. Oh and Assistant Kang, please look after Elizabeth the 3rd for me." Jaehee scowled as the feline was handed to her, her fur immediately sticking to her blazer.

Soon, you find yourself in the office once more, your father laughing alongside the CEO who took notice of your presence. "My son! Jumin! Finally, where have the two of you been?" Your father also seemed to question you mentally by the look on his face. "I somehow bumped into Ms. Choi a few floors below and had a rather short conversation about Elizabeth the 3rd." Jumin stated nonchalantly and you smiled at him.

"Elizabeth the 3rd?" Your father commented, tilting his head towards Jumin. "Yes father! Jumi-I mean, Mr. Han has a beautiful cat named Elizabeth the 3rd!" You made a small jump, happy to remember petting the soft fur of the cat. You always wanted to have your own pet, animals hold a dear spot in you.

"I'm glad the two of you are getting along. You're right, Mr. Choi. I hope their engagement goes smoothly." Engagement? "Dear, did you say engagement? Haha, I though Sarah is to be set up with Jumin?" The woman who you assumed as the CEO's lover interjected, feeling her glare at you, sending chills down to your spine.

"Father, I am not aware of this engagement at all." You tried to keep up with the conversation, not able to understand what is going on. "Wait, who is engaged?" Your father let out a sigh, clearly the situation is getting a little unorganized. "(y/n), we have decided to have you and Jumin be engaged for the sake of our and their company's success."

Your face contorted. "Excuse me?"

[midnightartemis]

~Chapter Sixteen Up Now~

Read Me Here

“To understand magic, you must first understand what magic is. The better your understanding of it, the better you can master it. Most of you, if not all of you will never understand magic. You can study the spells and the history and the art all you want, but unless you find that understanding in yourself, in your soul, you will never be a great witch or wizard.”

Rey watched as her fellow Hufflepuff classmates shrugged off Professor Skywalker’s harsh words. Part of it, she thought, was the idea that Hufflepuffs were rarely destined for greatness anyway and that to not be a hero was a weight off their shoulders. It was an absurd idea, one that could be contested with more than a dozen witches and wizards from Hufflepuff that had achieved glory or fame in their own right. She had seen only glimpses of that power— woe betides the man who insulted a Hufflepuff’s friend.

The other half of the classroom, made up of Ravenclaw first years, shared confused and terrified looks. From that alone, Rey knew she was in for an afternoon of Rose overanalyzing and complaining about Professor Skywalker’s remarks. She’d most likely start with the fact that, quote, “Anyone can master anything if they study hard enough.” A fact that Rose liked to bring up whenever Rey or Finn got frustrated over homework.

“Magic flows through all things animate and inanimate. It can be stored, transferred, honed, and warped.” As Professor Skywalker spoke, a piece of chalk floated up from its tray and began to write those four points on the small black chalkboard. Quills began to scratch down the notes on parchment quickly, but Rey was too drawn into the lesson to take any of her own. “Indeed, each of you contains a finite amount of power–”

Professor Skywalker tapped ‘ stored’ on the board with his wand. “Transferred from the magic that runs through the universe. And with your wands, you can hone that power. Ask it to perform different tasks. The most powerful wizards can do this without their wands. Magic changes the reality around you, letting you control and manipulate the seen and unseen. Warping the world to protect yourself. To attack. To transfigure objects. Creature potions. Manipulate the mind. Cause chaos and confusion. Or ease and peace.”

He stored his wand away, grey eyes surveying the classroom with a steely gaze. As he spoke, his voice darkened, those eyes flashing back to a time that Rey had only heard of. “These four things define the way we view and use magic within this world. In the right hands, magic can perform great deeds. Can heal and create. In the wrong hands, magic is the most destructive force in the world. It can tear through minds, turn those who love you against you, bring death and chaos to all who meet it. There are those who would use this dark side of magic to bring the world as you know it to its knees. Who would destroy anyone who got in their way of making a so-called utopia. Once the darkness takes control, it can be difficult, if not nearly impossible, to return to the light. Those who master this path of darkness are known as Sith. They are little more than creatures of darkness, corrupted until they are no longer human. I only hope that you never cross one.”

Professor Skywalker paused, letting his warning fall over the room and silencing them all. “That is why, in this classroom, I will focus our efforts on defensive spells and teach you how to control yourselves as young witches and wizards. A good wizard uses magic for knowledge and defense, never for attack."

Beside Rey, Rose’s hand shot up. Professor Skywalker barely had time to acknowledge her before she asked her question. “If our magic is finite, how do we know when it’s gone?”

Professor Solo raised his eyebrows. “You will know when it’s gone because you will be dead, Miss Tico. Most never get that far. As you all know, or will soon learn, there are limits to magic. One cannot bring back someone from the dead, for instance. Trying to do so would exhaust the warlock who attempted to the point where they, too, would die. Magic can be repleted, however. I find a good night's sleep does the trick.”

“And you said it can be stored. How so? If magic is finite but it can be repleted and stored, can’t people just store enough of it to do something impossible, such as bring back the dead?”

Professor Skywalker’s eyes narrowed into a storm at Rose’s questions. Rey had the very distinct feeling that Rose was going down a path she should not. “There are objects which act much as people and magical creatures do. Take the Sorting Hat versus a regular hat, or one that’s had a spell cast on it to speak. All magic is not equal, Miss Tico. All animate and inanimate objects are not made equal. Storing magic requires more magic than most can stand. It is a very dangerous practice which was outlawed several hundred years ago. Punishment for such a practice is a lifetime in Azkaban as those who wish to store magic often fall to the dark side. I ask that you leave it at that.”

There was something in his voice that left no room for questioning. Even Rose and her million-question mind were stymied by Professor Solo’s response. For a moment, Rey swore the Professor’s eyes flickered to her.

The rest of the class was spent on note-taking from the defensive spells section of The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Qui-Gon Jinn. Notes and reading did nothing but make her squirm. She wanted nothing more than to be with Ben in the Room of Requirement practicing all of the spells and techniques that Qui-Gon Jinn was outlining. As Rey read further, she realized that they had been working on��� Yes, practically all of the rudimentary spell work and techniques. Though Ben took a more aggressive approach, she recognized the footwork and wandwork demonstrated in the frustratingly small diagrams. As she read, the words clicked into place in a way they hadn’t before. Her eyes devoured the words as quickly as she could scribble down her notes.

She hardly noticed when class was dismissed, taken out of her intense studies when Rose poked her. “Come on!”

Rey scrambled to put her things away and ran after Rose into the halls. Rose looped her arm through Rey’s and giggled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that deep into schoolwork.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “I think you’ve been having a bad influence on me.”

She walked beside Rose as they headed off to the Great Hall and Rose set off on Rey’s predicted tangent of how anyone could become a great wizard if they studied enough. It wasn’t until Rey stepped into the great hall that she stopped and patted the side of her bag. It was definitely lighter than usual.

“Did you forget something?” Rose stopped in her ranting and cocked her head to the side.

Rey dug through her bag. “I think so. I think I had my Astronomy book in here. I must have taken it out and set it down before D.A.D.A. I’ll just run back and grab it. I need it tonight.”

“Do you want me to come with?” Rose asked, but Rey already disappeared down the corridor.

She hurried through the mostly vacant halls, hoping that there wasn’t a class in the DADA classroom during this period. Rey let out a sigh of relief when she found the door standing open and a quiet classroom beyond.

Well, very nearly quiet.

“We are barely into the new semester and, already, not one but two detentions. Talking back to me is one thing. Asking me questions about dark magic is another. But hexing another student? The son of the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot?” Professor Skywalker’s voice hissed loudly from the slightly ajar door to his office. It was filled with barely uncontrolled anger that Rey was loathe to be on the receiving end of. “Do you forget who your mother is? Do you know the kind of pressure she is under?”

“How can I forget when it’s all I hear about every two seconds?”

Rey froze at the sound of Ben’s voice. She could see her book sitting under her desk where it must have fallen. She should just grab it and go.

“Nevermind the fact that Hux deserved it. Nevermind the fact that he was calling students mudbloods. Perhaps next time I’ll just join in. How do you think the Prime Minister will feel about that? Perhaps I should forget when I’m so easily replaceable that she’d rather spend Christmas with a bloody random nobody she picked up off the streets?”

Rey felt a lance through her heart. Is that what he really thought of her? A nobody? She hadn’t meant to hide the fact that Leia had invited her to Chewie’s hut for Christmas. He’d just been so upset at them already. She hadn’t known.

Whatever Luke said next was too low for Rey to make out, but it was enough for the wooden door to his office to burst open and for Ben to angrily storm out. Rey watched as he swept down the small set of curved stairs, his cloak billowing behind him. He got to the bottom and turned. Dark eyes came to meet hers and he stopped.

Rey���s words caught in her throat. She wasn’t even sure of what to say as she tried to process everything.

He hexed Hux?

Nobody.

Perhaps next time, I’ll join in.

Ben steeled his face into a dark mask void of emotions when she didn’t speak. His hands flexed before he resumed his swift exit out of the classroom. It wasn’t until he brushed past her that Rey fell out of her stupor.

“Ben!” Rey turned, catching his hand in hers. Ben paused only for a moment to look down at his hand caught in hers. The mask over his face stayed as he tore his hand from hers and left. Rey stared at the door long after he had gone.

“Miss Niima.”

Rey jumped at Professor Skywalker’s voice behind her. She turned away from the door quickly to look up at him in his grey robes. “Sorry, professor. I forgot my Astronomy book in here and I was just picking it up.”

She hurried over to her desk and picked up her book. With shaky hands, she struggled to shove it into her book bag.

“You’ve been progressing very quickly in your studies.”

“I… I just really enjoy Defense Against the Dark Arts.” Rey looked back towards the door. She wanted to go after Ben, but he was probably long gone. “I’ve been practicing.”

“Practicing?” Professor Skywalker raised his brows. He was trying to draw more out of her. Rey couldn’t help but feeling he already had his suspicions.

“I should go. I’m missing dinner.”

The professor paused for a moment, holding Rey in his gaze before nodding. “Indeed.”

Rey turned and hurried for the door only to be stopped once more by Professor Skywalker.

“Rey?”

“Yes, Professor?” She didn’t want to look at him, but forced herself to meet his gaze anyway.”

“Remember what I taught you today. And be wary of those who ignore it.”

[anaithya]

2018, etc

2018 was one hell of a ride.

I spent the NYE working on thesis proposal with my best friends A & G at G’s home. It was tense, since the deadline was close but none of us was even halfway through. At midnight we took a break and walked to Bundaran HI to join the crowd and watch fireworks. We had a bit of fun, grabbed some food in the nearest McD, talked all the way back, and prayed for our hopes and dreams for the year, before finally continue to work. 

We had our common goal: to graduate. Little did we know it will took a long, winding road before we finally reach one.

January was fine. IECOM was successful, despite me being a zombie for several days. It might not be perfect but I’m very proud of what my team has done. There were unexpected things happened in D-Day but we handled them well. It feels so nice to see people work together--voluntarily put their time, mind, and energy to make the plan come true. We did our best and that’s what mattered. 

Two days after IECOM, batch 2014 went to field trip in Malang and Bali. Having too caught up with IECOM, my friends and I planned our extended trip on the bus lol (I wrote about it here). It was reaaal fun! I liked how chill we all were, stopped for a moment not thinking about thesis or our routine anxieties, living the moment we were in. Thank you crew #gogotrip.

But the chaos was waiting for me. From then on, I was drained working on my thesis. Thesis was like the epitome of my uni life: crappy and messed up. Full of regret and wrong decisions. Perfectly summed it up! I thought I planned everything perfectly, but then Murphy Law happened. I remember panicking when things were still uncertain. I overthinked a lot, I was desperate and felt so clueless on April, but things began to unfold in May. In early July, I was finally certain in what I had to do. But still not sure whether I could make it or not in October. The pressure was even higher after you see your own friends graduating. 

Whole September I couldn’t manage to do anything but working on my thesis. The month slipped perfectly from my life, I barely remember anything but me sitting in my computer, whether looking on Word, Excel, or Lingo. I remember staying up all night in the then-newly-opened coffee shop until 2 in the morning with my friend N (we’ve been there for hours), working on our thesis, too tired to talk to each other. Then we do the same thing in the day, only in our lab, and there will be our other friends. On repeat, for days. 

On Tuesday, 25th, I finally did my thesis defense. Got an A, with extremely minor revision. Happiest day of the year. Took a day off on Wednesday, printed the final draft Thursday, got my supervisor’s signature, submitted it to the library, and signed up for October graduation on Friday. 

Took two companies, months of hustles and hurdles, loads of papers, countess lingo solving, and series of sleepless nights to finally did it. And also a great supervisor. I couldn’t thank my supervisor enough for all the help that he gave me. If it wasn’t him, I don’t know if i can still manage to graduate in October.

In between the mess, with the thought that I need a break, I signed up for HPAIR conference. After two essays and an online interview, I got accepted! So for a full week in August I went to KL. It’s been a long time since I visit KL, and it was my first time participating in an international event like that. (one bucket list checked!). The conference was lit with the intriguing theme and notable speakers. I made new friends and tried superb food in town.

I also got the chance to participate in Maybank Impact Challenge, which I think the most interesting part of the conference. It was modelled upon Maybank Go Ahead Challenge. We were divided in teams, and the members came from different backgrounds and nationalities. In the span of 6 hours I had to make a country development plan, played board game, took the role as a COO in an engineering company, cracked codes and analyzed financial statements, ran for 1-2 km?--wearing a smart casual attire--from Sunway Uni to a bowling alley in Sunway Pyramid, pitched my company to investor WHILE playing bowling, ran back to the Uni, and took the role as management in company-in-crisis. Too much for a day, eh? It was crazy but I got to learn a lot: 1) How to work under pressure 2) How to work with strangers, especially with a very dominating person 3) How to estimate and make up numbers that still make sense 4) How to do impromptu speech.

(I also signed up for IELTS and Germany course. The courses were so refreshing since I love learning languages. I stopped showing up in September tho when the stakes on my thesis were high)

October 19 was my graduation day, and 20 was the parade. Bachelor of Science, I am now. I finally ended my university life. (another bucket list checked!)

The past four years was rough for me, especially in terms of my own ambition and personal development. To be honest, I hate my university life so much. I hate it to the point I don’t like to talk about it. About this class, about this exam, about this task, about this A B C, about this time when we had to do X.

If I could turn back the time I would definitely pick another major and another university. I hate how I didn’t work hard enough. I hate how I didn’t give my 100%. I hate how I DID work enough but still failing anyway. I hate how the world seemed so unfair. I hate how unprepared and unplanned I was. But what I hate the most is... I hate that I didn’t pursue for things I really like the most, because I was too scared. I hate how I wasn’t willing to take chances and chose the easy path. I hate how scared I was, to the future, to the what-ifs, to things that were actually in my head.

So messed up. So many wrong decisions. So many regrets.

Nonetheless, university life gave me valuable friends and... meaningful relationships! I really didn’t expect this from ITB back then, but yeah. The people I met were good ones. MTI ITB IS AWESOME!!! (at a certain period of time lol). I’m thankful that I found trusting, reliable friends that might not be 24/7 for me but surely make me laugh and make me feel much better when they’re around. It is my memories with them that I cherish the most.

Several days after graduation, I secured my first job (or not? I’m not permanent yet but nevermind), and started to work rightaway--in a company that I really admire. (bucket list checked once again!!!)

November and December were about adjustments. Adjusting myself back to Jakarta, coming back home after years of living alone. Adjusting to the new role that I take, as an employee. Adjusting to the new routine.

I also got two free concert tickets in November: Gun N Roses and Blackpink lol.

I spent the last day of the year with my high school friends in a friend’s house. Learned to play poker, chit chatted about life, reflected on how the year was for each of us. 

Calm and serene. 

Despite the sour, sour lemons, I learned a lot in 2018. 

Four years of desperation crafted this worrisome and pessimist attitude in me. Contrary after graduating high school, after uni graduation I feel like I have self-confidence issue and I feel like not knowing what I really want or what I have to do next. I am still clueless apparently. 

However, knowing the fact how terrible last year was, and I still survived after all gives me this weird strength to carry on. It gives some me kind of positivity and energy for 2019. 

I get this epiphany that... maybe life indeed sucks, it still has loadsss of lemons to be thrown at me. There will be more cancelled and altered plans, and there will be other twists, turns, and surprises. Nevertheless, I shall focus on things that I can control and let go the ones I can’t. I shall control my perception and reception towards what’s happening instead of letting it affect me. I shall not waste my energy panicking and thinking too much on things that don’t matter like I did last year (and throughout my uni life also). I shall let go of my fear and let loose, be less rigid.

I shall focus on me and my personal growth, also on people that matters. I want to regain my confidence and cut all the negativities that the past might have caused me. I need to reorganize my life and construct my future plans.

This year, I want to be chill like I was in Bali.