#I don't think I'm ever getting closure...and I just need someone to know whenever... I'm gonna eat cheesecake now...

[mx-mix-lurker]

I just really need to get this off of my chest. I'm genuinely suffocating from keeping it in.

I Don't Get How People Can Ship DS! Drink and DS! Cream (Dream X Cross).

I just don't really get it. Like, how can they do that without bringing up the things that make up... ya know. Them as Individual Characters? I guess? It's like, everyone forgets that this is a DreamSwap AU of Dreamtale. Of the Undertale Multiverse characters. They don't have the same personalities as the "Original Goods".

It just... gives me a major ick? No. That's too strong of a word. But I just can't help but scrunch my face whenever I see them before scrolling past it because well, obviously, I don't have the right to stop people from their shipping. And I'm usually fine with AUs ver of DreamSwap because then, they're a whole new character.

But I really don't get why people don't include the fact that DS! Ink is entirely dependent on Dream's Aura. Basically needs and WANTS it to feel and function. DS! Ink can always use his "vials" but DS! Dream forbid it and not only that, I'm pretty sure it's more preferable to literal shocks that has been input in him to garner a type of emotion.

Like, I can see DS! Ink getting with DS! Dream, half because of his Aura and half because DS! Ink would want it. But will DS! Dream really get together with someone who basically... needs him in his life to be considered as a functional being? Like, won't DS! Dream notice the power imbalance between the two of them?

I don't doubt that if push comes to shove, DS! Ink will definitely not just lie down and submit to bullshit being pushed on him. DS! Ink isn't a pushover and he's not about to become one just because. But DS! Ink honestly feels... gullible? Thanks to the Aura that DS! Dream and DS! Nightmare have. (Maybe this is because my first introduction to DS! Ink is that one part where he got technically kidnapped by DS! Cross and DS! Nightmare and get confronted by them as like, I guess, a closure for DS! Cross? I don't remember but onebizarrekai was the one who wrote it so it's canon... I think.)

But DS! Ink is more.. malleable, easily influenced by DS! Dream and DS! Nightmare's Auras. Easily hurt too, if their auras are both released in DS! Ink's presence.

So I don't really get... why DS! Dream would ever get together, professional (mostly) Lord Von Licht getting together with his employee, someone who is directly works under him. Like, yeah, they're friends and DS! Ink's a sassy shithead but it's just... not something I can see DS! Dream knowingly doing without like, a very obvious struggle and denial?

They always jump into them reciprocating feelings without thinking about the power imbalance and shit.

DS! Dream and DS! Nightmare are different in that, if they ever somehow manage to get together, DS! Dream will be feeling heavy with guilt and trying so hard to make up for it. DS! Dream and DS! Blue are also ships that I'm fine with. Maybe it starts into something casual, benefiting with each other and such since Blue does like, agree with Justice Reigns' ideology. DS! Dream and DS! Error? Oh yeah, I'm also good with that, as they're two levelheaded individuals.

But DS! Dream and DS! Ink? No... like, touch up on the fact that parts first which they don't need to but like... :(

Also Do I Even Need To Explain Why I Don't Get DS! Dream and DS! Cross? Like, yeah, I definitely like Enemies to Lovers Trope but like, do not make them have crushes?? Make it tension not silly high school butterfly in my tummy tee-hee. DS! Cross is so stubborn and hotheaded despite the long way he came from like, dealing with his past and trauma (hate how I'm simplifying it ugh) that DS! Cross acts more like a bitter and jealous guy who's ex-girlfriend hooked up with DS! Dream. And DS! Dream... I love the guy, but he totally has a stick up his ass, viewing DS! Cross in disdain as a lowly criminal especially because of the hatred that DS! Cross has over DS! Dream.

JUST TO BE CLEAR IM NOT DEMANDING NOTHING I'M JUST SAYING LIKE, GIVE ME THE STRUGGLE?? FUCK THAT STILL SOUNDS LIKE A DEMAND BUT LIKE, ya know...

.... ya know

[casual-tarot]

Closure on Your Situation

A song to listen to during this reading: Jacob and the Stone by Emile Mosseri

Pile 1

I'm hearing "burning briges." I think there's someone that was once very important to you that you're cutting out of your life. Spirit is telling me that this had to happen, it was an inevitable change that was always going to be part of your journey. It's an ending that was always going to come, that was necessary, and that's ok. Good things will be coming.

Maybe that's what you needed to here, that this time in your life, as heartbreaking as it is, is making room for something new, better, to come in. Maybe you'll get a new job offer, or a raise/promotion, maybe you will meet someone new. No matter your situation, something good is coming, and you should be excited.

This person that you cut out from your life likely didn't have the best intentions, or maybe they just weren't right for this part of your journey. They needed to leave to make room for new things, or so universe could teach you some sort of lesson. Not in a malicious sort of way, I myself lost a friend recently, and I realized it was spirit's way of telling me that I needed to set firmer boundaries, which would in turn lead something new into my life(we share similar stories, maybe you needed hear mine, and thats why I was called to tell you.)

Either way pile 1, keep strong! Keep going! It's going to get better, bright things are on the horizon, remember that. You're likely still learning spirits lesson right now, if you need more clarification I recommend looking into other readings. Whatever it is, spirit is proud of you because you're growing! I hope this helped.

Confirmation and signs: taurus, Gemini, Neptune, trident, Virgo, Leo, water, fire, water and fire together(complimentary and opposed), opposites, opposing sides, north node, moon, 1, 11, 111, 1111, 7, 77, 777, 8, 88, 3, 33, 6

(Note: I completely forgot what image pile 1 was when doing this reading, so it makes even more sense now lol.)

Pile 2

I'm getting the vibe that you're leaving something behind, and that it's scaring you. Maybe you've decided to leave a job or a partner or maybe you've decided to move. No matter what it is, I think the thing scaring you is that the people in your life won't approve. Whatever you're leaving is likely "safe" in the sense that yes its easy, but it doesn't make you happy. Maybe you yourself are doubting your choices because of that same reason. Safe doesn't always mean good. Now I'm not saying to go and do anything too drastic, but sometimes being impulsive can be a good thing.

For example I have a friend that decided to leave our hometown and go live a couple cities over, even though her friends and family all mostly live over here. She seems happier then ever with her decision, and free. And we still get to see her whenever shes free(if thats something you're worried about, leaving your loved ones behind). Another, smaller example is that I had impulsively decided to cut my hair, despite knowing my old haircut made me look "prettier" and knowing I'd have to deal with my families reactions. I don't regret it, I love my hair now, it finally makes me feel comfortable in my own skin.

Excuse the rambling lol, I just felt called to tell you that, maybe you needed proof that it's all going to be ok. You need to do what makes you happy, not anybody else. You're the one who has to live with it after all. I choose the thing that makes you smile. I hope you get to be happy and confident in your choices like we were, pile 2. I'm rooting for you.

Confirmation and signs: losing or leaving a job, 111, Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn, Leo, Aries, Sagittarius, 333, 666, 888, 777, earth, pentacles, money, finances, financial gain or loss, fire, creativity, passion, wands, venus, Fertility, femininity, accepting yourself, confidence, venus in furs, loving yourself, sensuality, sexuality, Pluto, rebirth, transformation, coming into your own, caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly, change, the moons, Cresent moon, first quarter moon, taking action, controlling your own destiny/fate

(Note: While editing this, I realized I referred to you as pile 3 a couple times, maybe you felt drawn to that pile as well! Go check it out if you feel called to.)

Pile 3

(It's 11:11 as I write this)

You seem to be feeling extremely guilty about something, maybe leaving a situation or person behind. It could be quitting a job or getting out of a toxic friendship, either way you feel selfish and not worthy. I'm getting the feeling that you think this is all your fault, blaming yourself for everything. You don't even feel safe in your own head at night when you need to rest, where you feel like you should be able to sleep it off. Your plagued with thoughts of what you did "wrong" here.

Let me tell you something pile 3, you didn't do anything "wrong" here. Whatever this is that's plaguing your thought, it's not your fault. Whatever situation you left, you left for a good reason. It was no longer serving you and/or was actively hurting you.

I feel called to tell you a story from my own life. Recently, I lost a very close friend of mine. We suddenly grew apart and I was plagued with doubts, wondering if I had done something wrong, if it was my fault. It's been months since I left them and cut them out of my life, and now I realize it was them. They suddenly pulled away and made it so I felt guilty about it, made it seem like it was my fault. It wasn't, they were just being cruel, even though I don't think they intended to. But I needed that to happen, I needed to realize they were a toxic person in my life and to be free of them. Now I feel better then ever, and I feel bad for the past me, who thought it was all my fault. I felt so alone. I fell into a deep depression and wouldn't tell anyone what was going on until I had cut that person out. But I'm glad it went through it, because it made me better for it, it made life better for me.

And if, IF, for whatever reason, you think you did make a mistake, no if's and's or but's, then that's ok too. We are human. We make mistakes sometimes. It's ok. We can grow from that too.

I'm sorry you're going through whatever it is you're going through pile 3, but know that it's not your fault, and you didn't make a mistake. It's ok. You're growing, and that means change. It means growing pains. It means leaving things behind. You will get through this pile 3, even if it takes some time. You will become better from this. This isn't your fault.

Confirmation and signs: fall/autumn, winter, change, end, snow, falling leaves, changing leaves, grey skies and cloudy weather, Aries, cancer, Sagittarius, Libra, 333, 666, 444, 1111, 999, earth, pentacles, stars, stars in the night sky, twinkling/sparkling stars, crying, rain, creativity, sickness, bed rest, hospital, rivers and creeks, forests, fire and flames, passion, hope, it'll all get better, it'll all be ok, the moon, the night, the night sky, The moons spirit, the moon Goddess, New moon(that made me emotional lol), change, venus, accepting yourself, inner peace, Jupiter, fate/destiny, this was meant to happen, it will all come to fruition soon, it will all come to an end soon, don't blame yourself, change is coming,gifts from the universe, unexpected gifts, gifts disguised and tragedies.

(Note: I feel like you may have been called to pile 1, if so check that one out too.)

[milascenta]

December 22nd 10:41pm

I'm so sorry I haven't talked in a while, N. I wanted to wait until I was in some sort of good place or heading in a good one but its not really working out that way too much. A few things have happened over the months. Though I am hoping for next year should be a bit better.

I'm so happy you had a good time in London, the Stranger Things play looked awesome and the stuff you got looks so cool. I love the bag and the plushie Demogorgon (? I'm sorry I didn't watch too much of stranger things, first season was awesome and I love Winona Ryder but Its so hard for me to get into shows lol, same with the Witcher I love it but haven't watched past the first season haha) You looked really beautiful in that black dress, and I also love your hair with the black its a nice change and twist on your usual look. I hope you kept it or have something similar because it really suits you. You tattoos too OMG they looks good, I really love the Cpt Rex ones, subtle and cute on the fingers (omg again another series I need to get back into hahaha I'm really bad with shows) the portraits look insane, although I haven't seen much of the show they are probably my favourite characters too. I just looked up the Jaig eyes and I love them so much more now, its really up my ally and something I would get done, they suit you more now. I'm looking into starting a large tattoo idea hopefully during next year. I want to get a torso tattoo from cyberpunk, the one with the snake and the ram head on the back. I want to start with the snake curling around my body then work from there. The fact that you got them done in one day is very deserving of the aussie coveted "Hard Cunt" status, on the shins and everything is insane, I'm really proud and impressed you could sit for the whole thing.

I'm happy you met someone but then also I'm sorry he kinda turned out to be only really there for one thing. Maybe things have changed by now? either way it sucks to have met someone and you think one intention and they're another. I'm also so sorry you were having troubles with your friend, the trip started so nicely I hoped it would end that way too. I hope you're in a better place with each other, maybe talked it out or at least got closure.

I want to reassure you that you don't have to talk about anything you don't feel fully comfortable with, so I'm glad you didn't force yourself with that. Whenever you're comfortable to talk I'll be here but I'm here regardless. I'm just sorry you were ever reminded of those things and hope that person isn't continuing to do so. (cause they'll catch these hands nah jk.... unless) I'm also sorry about the news with your grandmother, its definitely not the news I was hoping for and I really hope things a turning around.

I want to properly reassure you that you are important and you are significant. These posts are really important to me and I know it helps you get things off your chest. I understand the thoughts you have been having, and can relate to them too, I just want you to know I care about you and you're important to me. I know that can't take any of the bad thoughts of feelings away, as much as I would like that, I just want you to hear them and hope they can act against those thoughts in some way. Those thoughts aren't you, those thoughts aren't shaping you or the path you're going down, you are doing better ever year and I'm so proud of you for that. Being strong sucks sometimes and you know that more than a lot of people but its won't be forever I promise.

Thank you for your birthday wishes. I did have fun, even though birthdays don't really mean much to me these days lol. honestly just reminds me of time I'm wasting. But I tried to have fun and surprisingly did. Before I say what I did on my birthday day, I took my friends to go see Nightmare Before Christmas with a live symphony at the start of November and that was unbelievable and fantastic and amazing. Such a surreal experience, watching the movie and the music being right there, by people. I watched the orchestra more than the movie, which I hoped they appreciated. One of my favourite movies with the music live was a great experience. I then saw the new Wicked movie on my birthday day with my friends too, and that was surprisingly great! They really did translate the stage show to screen, both Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande did amazing and really sold the characters and their relationship. And the visuals were amazing, apparently a lot of it was real and they took a lot of the in set vocal takes too. We then went to fortress, which is a kinda of "nerd" bar, looks like a medieval tavern, they sell mead and stuff as well as good food and you can rent board games, play video games and do dnd sessions there too, they also have a really cool futuristic cyberpunk cocktail bar upstairs from the tavern which we went to aswell. I bought a shirt from them, senpais.jp did a collab with them so I got a really cool shirt from them, but I took it home at the end of the night and it turned out they gave me the wrong one, so I had to trek it all the way back to the city the next day to exchange it, which they almost didn't do they had to get a manager involved but he said it was ok to change, I had proof of purchase and everything. I also bought a lot of stuff I needed for myself. A bunch of shirts, some new black jeans, and new cologne Jean Paul Gautier Le Male Le Parfum, long name but its my favourite cologne lol oh and a nice green linen shirt too.

But then its kinda gone a lil down hill, a couple week ago, we found out my grandmother had passed away, heart attack. Which I'm glad it was quick and painless but sucks she's not around anymore, I feel really guilty not talking to her more or going to visit her more. We went to her town for her funeral, which we had two. A smaller close family one at the crematorium and one we had at a church that had sooo many people attend. She was very community driven and had a relationship with probably everyone in the town to some degree so it was great to see that. You would have liked her, she was a badass headstrong woman, and stayed very active and lucid up to the end. Going back to her town was very surreal. All the smells and sights were the same, well the sights mostly, the town has grown a lot. A lot of people go through there now so its developed a lot more. And her house was the same, but none of it had the soul anymore, all of it felt empty. We didn't stay super long, a few days, I took lots of pictures, mostly of nostalgic things, patterns in her house and things that were always around. Then my brother got me sick with a chest cold, how that happens in 35+ degree weather I have no idea. But its starting to go now just a bit phlegmy lol. I'm on the waiting list for some psychologists my doctor recommends. I've tried a couple recently and they've not been good, I got lied to about cost, was told one thing and ended up being charged almost double with no warning which sucks and we just didn't click so I'm trying again with someone else. I don't mind if its a little bit expensive just tell me that at the start not after I've been charged and have no control over it like what is that, especially after I was told a different amount. I told my doctor that and he was like ok I'm not going to recommend them anymore lol.

I'm hoping next year will be better, for both of us because we really need it. I really hope at least your new year is better and you can keep progressing. I hope you have a good christmas, and hope you get some good holiday time off too. Know that I'm thinking of you.

I'll talk to you soon,

E

"Hey little monster, you know its all okay"

[sufferbuddy]

Thank you, I'm kinda sick of how most stancy stans only view the ship from Nancy's point of view. Like Steve is reduced to the better option for her, it's never discussed if Nancy is the right option for Steve.

Also, I think people overlook how Steve doesn't really know Nancy. Like you said, people in the show (and partially the fandom) put her on a pedestal. She can't do no wrong. And that's exactly how Steve sees her in s4. Nancy never gave him closure and indirectly blamed him for the breakup. She never came clean to him about her attraction to Jonathan or how she chose him as the second option in s1 at the end. So Steve had almost two years to think about it, he still only blames him, he puts Nancy on a pedestal because he doesn't know the truth because they never talked about it. So in s4 he is still in love with the romanticized version of her, not the actual Nancy. Steve wants someone who is 100% committed to him as well. He wants someone who loves him back. I don't think Nancy could be that person. Which is fine, btw. She deserves to be single first to figure things out because she's not a good gf rn. And sometimes being alone helps you grow, which she didn't quite do. (Like again making eyes at another person while your relationship is kinda struggling, it's s2 but reversed.) She needs to have a serious conversation with both boys. Steve deserves to know the truth so he can also have the right picture of her and then decide.

I have nothing against shipping stancy, I am however against putting nancy above him and acting like he would be lucky to even talk to her.

For me, what makes stancy appealing is the way he loves her. It's all over his face and actions and you just can't ignore that. I wouldn't mind them ending up together IF they treat them equally at least.

I don't think that he doesn't know her, but saying that he's still in love with the romanticized version of her actually makes sense. Because putting her on a pedestal is exactly what steve did when they were dating and I don't think he ever put her down.

That being said, none of nancy ships treated equally in the fandom/show. It's all about nancy and her needs. It's annoying.

They even put the blame on Steve as if she did anything to stop him from flirting. She's the one in a relationship, but sure Steve is so wrong for flirting with the girl who's drooling all over him.

Steve needs good friends to open his eyes. Everyone around him kept pushing him towards her in s4. Sure, Eddie didn't know but Robin must have known. It would be so much fun to watch her roast nancy like she did to Steve in s3. They even had a problem with that,( Robin and Eddie rooting for stancy) but not a word said against creepy murray for pushing two teens who he just met to have sex :) HYPOCRISY IS SO REAL.

Like you said, they need to have a serious conversation. She needs to express how she feels too because all we got from her emotions is headcanons/fan interpretations. If they're not gonna end up together that's fine but don't just make him the only one in the wrong or the only one with a heartbreak.

Anyways to stop myself from rambling more, I just love Steve and I want him to be treated right, and get as much as love he gives. He deserves someone in his corner, someone who undoubtedly is on his side no matter what and defends him even against himself sometimes. Someone who'll say " Dude. You deserve better. " whenever he needs to hear it.

Lol sorry if this is all over the place, I'm just so tired of seeing this. TREAT HIM RIGHT YOU COWARDS is all I wanna say.

[mskpassed]

I've stopped feeling like your friend a long time ago yet I still stick around

The amount of respect, admiration, infatuation I had for you is somewhat disappointing. It's not like we had a falling out, but it's also not like I feel there's any effort being made.

It's always the people I admire most, the ones I would do anything to be near - the ones who end up making me feel like being friends is simply a chore.

I've given up talking to you lately. I do it when I am too tired to think about how it's not worth it. You won't know it's about you, yet it will be in plain sight. I'm not one to call out people anymore, I don't want to make this all into a big mess with everyone and everything.

It's been too long to not write about this.

I want closure, yet I know there's none for me. There's nothing to tell me, nothing to explain to me.

I don't know if I am in the right to feel this way, I've been feeling like I'm just a lab rat. Nothing compared to who you might've thought I was.

The compliments I used to get from you would make me hopeful, but there's no point in trying when one can't feel the need to reconnect.

Everything is fine on one side of the page, yet the other side is all scribbled and damaged. Watch me become a broken pen, unusable. I'll be nothing to you, I won't be able to do anything for anyone.

I've ceased talking, ceased asking, ceased wondering. There's nothing to discuss other than how much longer will it take for me to just walk away or for you to forget I ever existed.

This is not the first time I've gone through this, yet I feel this won't be the last time either.

I would do so much for you, but karma seems to be by either of our sides.

My home is where I feel safe. A piece of it got retrieved from you a long time ago.

Would like to believe that I tried, because I guess I did.

Do you ever wonder on what terms we are?

Have I ever occupied a single one of your thoughts?

Was it all an act to make me feel like I mattered as a friend to someone who I respected more than I could respect others?

Must've gone from acceptance to grief once more. I never know when the time will just explode in our faces and show that we are no longer in contact.

Would've tried harder, but I've grown too tired of being sat away from my own emotions whenever I felt like it simply wasn't fair enough.

Maybe it was never meant to be.

Doomed from the beginning, easily breakable on paper, unable to work without more communication (which I guess we lack).

Not the end, though it might be best to let it all go.

Must've been a long walk down the road, nothing compares to others.

[fluentmoviequoter]

Hook, Line, and NOPE!

Pairing: Tim Bradford x fem!reader

Summary: Tim Bradford gets hooked on loving you, but you play hard to get. After you finally admit that you feel the same, everybody says he's sleeping with the enemy.

Warnings: angst, arguments, emotional vulnerabity, fear of intimacy?, brief violence, fluff and comfort!

Word Count: 4.4k+ words

Song List: NOPE! by New Rules & Hooked by Why Don't We

For @newobsessionweekly! Sorry it took me so long to write this, but I hope you enjoy it, I'm glad you're back, and I wish you the best in all of your endeavors!!

Masterlist | Tim Bradford Masterlist | Request Info/Fandom List

“Surely you can see how this entire project is ludicrous.”

You tap your eraser against your notebook, looking at the lawyers sitting across from you, representing the Los Angeles Police Department. The meeting was supposed to be held after a public forum. Because the court of public opinion is rarely on the department’s side, you were called into an impromptu – and early – one-on-one with the police commissioner’s legal representation.

“How is attempting to mitigate the impact on public citizens and the local economy ludicrous, Mr. Evers?” you inquire. “As someone who lives in Los Angeles, I consider this decision quite sensible. Avoiding more construction, road closures, and drawn-out costs that will ultimately impact businesses and taxpayers is hardly a laughable matter.”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Wesley defends. “Do you make it a point to disagree with the LAPD whenever possible?”

You smile then, leaning forward over a printed report. “Not all of its officers,” you confide. “Now, if you have no reasonable objections to our proposal, I suggest we reconvene at the planned time to discuss this in light of public opinion, rather than my apparently overly convoluted view.”

“You are not making friends in the department,” he says as he closes his leather-bound legal pad and stands. “There will come a time when you need their support.”

“And there will come a time when they’ll see that I am in fact on their side. Thank you for your time.”

As soon as the door closes behind Wesley Evers and the rest of the commissioner’s hand-picked team, you slouch in your chair and sigh.

“He’s going to tell his girlfriend everything you said,” the paralegal taking notes beside you murmurs.

“Well, as the heads of my fan club, I’d expect no less,” you reply lightly. “Thanks for your help preparing for this.”

“Any time. Sorry the LAPD doesn’t like you.”

“I’m not here to be liked, I’m here to do my job and do it well. Speaking of which, I’ve got a lunch meeting.”

“With whom?”

You tap your fingers to your lips like you’re keeping a secret. If you’re making enemies with local law enforcement, the least you can do is devote some of your free time to making it better.

“You look beautiful,” your lunch date says as he pulls your chair out for you.

You roll your eyes but feel your cheeks heat at his flattery. The man sitting across from you is undoubtedly on your string, and you pull it, even if you know this relationship will never be anything more than it is now. He says nice things to you, and sometimes, when you’re home alone after a long week of being told all of the reasons people don’t like you, it’s nice to think that he might like you – though, if he does, it’s different.

“Are you going to tell me why you wanted to meet today or should I guess?” he asks, sitting across from you.

“Well, you’ve never been one to give up before,” you muse.

“You had a meeting with Wesley.”

“I did.”

“How’d that go?”

“Imagine sitting at a table with twelve former arrests that hate you – some of them just on principle,” you begin. “But you have to be civil because it’s a work thing. That’s about how it went.”

“Well, you did slash the law enforcement budget.”

“Not by myself. And it wasn’t my first recommendation, but it’s what we had to do to ensure everything was able to get done for the year. I understand that I seem like the bad guy here. I’m on their side- your side, even if it doesn’t seem like it.”

He hums, then reminds you, “We don’t all hate you.”

“Yeah, well, you’re the exception.”

“Does that mean you’ve reconsidered my offer?”

You glance at him over the top of your menu. “I thought you were still mad about the flowers.”

“I got you flowers, you left them outside, they died. Flowers die, I got over it.”

“I just don’t get it,” you admit, setting the menu aside.

“I can explain it again. Unless you’re stalling, like I think you are.”

“You’re brave enough to chase what you want: promotions, people, possessions. I’m not.”

“Is that why you keep stopping this before we even start?” he challenges. “Why we’ll talk for hours one day, and the next you’re a ghost? Why you invite me over just to not be home?”

You raise your hand, silently begging him to stop. When he explains your actions this way, they sound much crueler than your intentions. Being surrounded by hostility at work has led you to build tall, nearly impenetrable walls around yourself. Sitting across from the one man you can see yourself having a future with threatens those walls. He’s been chipping away at them for months, finding the weak spots and being patient with you each time you suddenly pull back when you notice he’s gotten too close.

“I just…”

“You change your mind,” he finishes for you. “You change it like the clothes you’re in, but… I’m not giving up.”

You chew the inside of your lower lip as someone passes by your table. “Why?” you ask softly.

“Because I’ve got a suspicion that you feel it too. I know what you’re doing.”

Nodding, you remind him, “It’s not just me I’m protecting.”

At the end of your lunch, you walk back onto the streets of LA and wait awkwardly on the sidewalk.

“Think about it,” he encourages.

“I will.”

“Oh, one more thing.”

“Bye, Officer Bradford,” you say, turning to walk away from him.

“Hello!” Tim calls after you, trying to get your attention again.

“See you later!”

Four Months Later

“… T, U, V,” Lucy continues. She stops and shifts in the seat to ask, “Are you lying?”

“I didn’t say anything,” Tim replies.

“There is no way your girlfriend’s name starts with X, Y, or Z. Is there?”

“Can we go back to when my personal life was off limits?”

“No. Now, tell me what your girlfriend’s name is.”

“Never said I had one.”

Lucy groans. She’s seen all the evidence that Tim has someone special in his life. He hasn’t eased up on the Tim tests or given her a break from his usual grumpy demeanor, but the little things are evident because she knows where to look.

“Bradford, Chen,” Wade radios. “Divert to the station. I’m putting you on detail at the rally this afternoon.”

“Copy that,” Tim replies.

“Is rally detail boring?” Lucy inquires.

“Depends on what exactly your post is,” Tim answers honestly. “Being a rookie, probably. It’s crowd babysitting more than anything.”

“Fantastic,” she deadpans.

“I’m about to cash in my pension,” Angela complains.

“Tell me about it,” Bishop agrees. “Does the mayor’s office care that crimes are still happening outside of his bubble?”

“He’s laughing at us. Making us guard his precious little troublemaker because he knows we don’t like her.”

“Why is that?” Nolan asks.

“She doesn’t like to help cops,” Jackson answers. “Will fund just about anything else, then gives us the leftovers. When it comes to budgeting and resources, we’re her last thought after her last thought.”

“So, she treats police needs like an afterthought?” Lucy clarifies. “And everyone on the force has a problem with her for that?”

“Not everyone,” Tim answers. “Form your own opinion, boot, don’t just listen to the jaded and the one repeating his father’s complaints.”

“It’s my opinion, too,” Jackson interjects.

“Wait,” Angela says, turning toward Tim. “Don’t tell me you buy into her I’m doing what I can, and I don’t like it either spiel.”

“I’m just saying that we have no way in knowing that she isn’t doing all she can. The police budget wasn’t good before she got the job, either. Useless to blame one person for the government’s fallacies.”

“What?” Bishop asks.

“You like her!” Angela accuses.

“Oh my gosh,” Lucy mumbles, her eyes widening. “It’s her isn’t it?!”

“She’s who?” Bishop demands.

“Focus on your assignment,” Tim barks.

“No,” Angela says. “Tim, do not tell me you have feelings for this girl.”

“And what if I did?” Tim challenges.

“Then I’d tell you it would never work.”

“Thanks for the advice.”

“Tim, I’m serious, don’t let this girl pull you in somehow. She’s the enemy.”

“The enemy? Lopez, she’s doing her job. People don’t like us for the same reason, does that make us the enemy?”

“That’s not what-“

“What about Evers? He the enemy?”

“Okay,” Bishop interrupts. “You’re getting defensive, stand down.”

Tim rolls his eyes and leads Lucy toward the stage. Angela and Bishop watch him go, convinced there is more to Tim’s response than simply respecting that you’re doing your job and not singling them out.

“We need to talk,” Bishop says, waiting outside the locker room.

“I don’t need an intervention,” Tim deadpans.

“But you need to hear this,” Angela replies. “We don’t like her. 90% of cops minimum don’t like the mayor’s golden girl.”

“Well, I’m in the percentage that doesn’t need your help.”

“Tim, she is younger than you, she works day in and day out to make our jobs harder. You are incredibly different people.”

“And you need to bring this back into the proper perspective,” Bishop adds. “Reality is, Bradford, that even if you do like this girl in a purely professional sense, she will betray that somehow.”

Tim clenches his jaw. “Reality is, Talia, that my life is absolutely none of your concern.”

“Not what you said last time you needed a favor.”

“The low blows make you feel better? Remind you that your family-“

“Stop,” Angela demands, stepping between Tim and Talia. “This isn’t about that. Tim, we’re just saying not to start something with this girl because it won’t end well.”

“I haven’t started anything,” Tim replies. “But if I wanted to, if I wanted to see where it would go, I would.”

Angela watches him, ignorant of their rookies listening in on the conversation.

“You did start something, didn’t you?” Nolan asks from around the corner.

“What do you want the hear?” Tim snaps, looking between the veteran and rookie officers surrounding him.

“The truth!” Lucy answers.

“Fine! Yes, I am dating her. It took me months to get her to the point where she wasn’t scared to let me in, and I’m not walking away from it – or her – because you all have chips on your shoulders.”

Angela shakes her head as she says, “You’re sleeping with the enemy here, Tim.”

“Yeah, because she has such a bad reputation. All of you, back off.”

“Or what?” Bishop challenges.

“You don’t want to fight me on this,” Tim explains lowly. “Now move.”

Bishop tilts her head to the side, then steps back. Tim exits the station with his shoulders drawn back and his hands curled into fists. You may be public enemy number one as far as officers from Mid-Wilshire are concerned, but that won’t change anything for Tim. To Tim, you’re the sweetest temptation, and the one he wouldn’t walk away from, even if he wasn’t completely and utterly hooked on you.

“Your girlfriend’s on TV,” Angela grumbles a few days after their unpropitious meeting.

Tim glances up at the television screen. You’re standing beside the mayor and the budgeting committee. Last week, the city planner's office introduced a petition to build a new and improved police facility near the station Tim is now standing in. It would provide room for additional personnel, new state-of-the-art security, and a training course specifically for tactical responses, including riot control and high-risk breaches.

As the mayor speaks and officers from across the city watch, Tim keeps his eyes on you. You look good in the dark blue blazer he helped you pick. Though he knows you’ll probably deliver a speech that will intensify the feelings of disdain local law enforcement holds for you, Tim has wildly differing thoughts about you.

“After many discussions with the board beside me and the experts in my own office,” the mayor says, “we have decided to delay the planning and construction of the new police station indefinitely.”

A collective groan of disappointment fills the bullpen around Tim. The mayor continues speaking, but Tim can’t hear him over the chatter echoing in the crowded room.

“What does this mean for us?” Lucy asks beside him.

“Nothing,” he answers.

“Just that we’ll still be stretched too thin and underprepared for tactical emergencies,” Jackson adds, his voice laced with loathing.

“Which is no different than now,” Tim reiterates. “Metro has operated with the current standard operating procedures for several years and it works. We have new shift rotations every other week. The brass will work around this, just like they always do.”

“They shouldn’t have to.”

“Tell Tim’s girlfriend that,” Angela interrupts.

Tim looks back to the screen, unsurprised to see that you’re now at the microphone, smiling even as you prepare to deliver the displeasing details of the proposal refusal.

“Good afternoon,” you greet. “On behalf of the mayor’s office, I would first like to thank the employees who worked on this project proposal and the officers who will someday benefit from it.”

“She’s so full of it,” someone yells as others boo.

“This is really who you want to be with?” Angela challenges Tim.

“You should try listening sometime, Lopez. It can be enlightening,” Tim replies. “Let’s go, boot. We’ve actually got work to do.”

“It is a question of money, yes,” you continue as Tim leaves. “But there is also a concern of bias and competency in planning and construction because of current contracts. Of course, the mayor agrees that the facility is needed, and he’s not denying that it will be provided to the LAPD, he has simply determined – with his advisors – that now is not the proper time to begin the undertaking of such a project.”

“There’s still time to dump her before this starts,” Bishop whispers.

“And there’s still a chance for you to remember who you’re talking to,” Tim replies.

“She’s going to get crucified,” Angela says. “You really want to be the officer she drags down with her?”

Tim shakes his head just before the door opens. You follow the mayor inside and sit at one of two tables on the stage. They’re arranged in a wide V-shape, with six chairs and six microphones at each. The rest of the room is filled with police and press, all heavily vetted and here for a specific reason. After the press conference yesterday, the law enforcement community voiced a public outcry, which led the police commissioner and numerous reporters to call for a town hall meeting with an audience of people who will be directly affected by the decision. And those who will paint you in the worst light possible to inform the public of the decision.

The first speaker in the line, an officer Tim recognizes but doesn’t know, directly addresses you. Tim notices your shoulders straighten as you nod.

“You’re the one that cut the police budget. Now that we’re down one more asset and assist, how does it feel to have less protection at your fingertips as a city employee?” he asks.

Several officers cheer, but Tim crosses his arms across his chest and rolls his eyes. He and Lucy arrived early and are seated in the front row. You lock eyes with Tim briefly before you answer.

“As I explained yesterday, the budget does play a role in the city’s delay of building this facility,” you explain. “But there are other concerns.”

“Like what?” the officer asks.

“The city of Los Angeles is currently under contracts with specific architects and engineers. These craftsmen are undoubtedly talented, yet there have been questions of their focus and dedication in their trades.”

“Speak English!” someone yells.

You smile at that and continue, “The engineers we would have to hire to build something of this size are solely interested in the paycheck they would receive. The mayor is unwilling to compromise the integrity of the building, so he decided to wait. If we move forward now, the final result would not be the better building and better system you need.”

“And you know what we need,” a reporter jeers.

“More space and additional resources, amongst many other things. I’m not arguing that you have clear needs, I am simply stating that this isn’t the way to do it. Not if you want it done rightly.”

You watch the officer turn away from the mic stand. He slows by the second row of chairs, and your brows pinch as you watch him.

“How did you determine there’s bias?”

Tim turns when the question is asked, shaking his head when he sees Bishop standing at the microphone. She glares at you, but one of the mayor’s corporate lawyers leans forward to answer the question. As he discusses the audit his team completed, you look past Tim. He meets your eyes and lifts his hands from his lap in question.

Without responding to Tim, you turn and speak to a member of the mayor’s security detail. The man nods, looks past Tim, then steps behind the stage before disappearing from Tim’s view.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the mayor interrupts. “Today’s meeting is to discuss the postponement of this project. There is no room for blaming members of this committee or seeking answers to personal questions. Next speaker, please.”

Bishop rolls her eyes as she passes Tim, and he silently hopes that this doesn’t make you pull away from him again. If Tim is sleeping with the enemy, he won’t let the people on his side push you away, even if it means going against everything he’s supposed to believe in. You’ve got a habit of saying nope just because you are more comfortable hiding your feelings and saving yourself from being vulnerable with the wrong person. Tim knows he is the man you can be yourself with. Maybe the only one.

“That has no bearing on the need for more space,” you say, drawing Tim’s attention again. “Simply put, you’re getting the new station when it is fiscally and morally wise. And not a moment before, regardless of how much you need it, or think you need it.”

The crowd roars, booing and voicing baseless insults against you. You stand and walk off the stage while the mediator attempts to regain control of the room. There will be another meeting at the end of the week, and Tim wonders how many of these officers will be in attendance and how many will still be angry.

It’s Friday afternoon when a similar group convenes in the mayor’s office. There’s less press, and many of the officers in the room are high-ranking. Grey brought Tim, Angela, Bishop, and their rookies, stating that the rookies need exposure to the politics of policing and that the TOs are among his best officers. You smile at Tim when he enters but look away when you see the officers with him. Sergeant Grey has never been anything but civil with you, yet the complaints of his officers may have swayed him.

“Excuse me,” you whisper to a security guard behind you. “Is the man in the blue jacket an officer?”

He glances over the table and shrugs, then says, “Everyone was screened coming in, ma’am.”

“Thanks,” you reply, nodding as you face the crowd.

As the conversation – a polite term for the personal attacks and invasive questions – begins, you remain quiet. You look forward, unresponsive to the different officers raising concerns or voicing their opinions.

“Finally found her off switch, I see,” Bishop murmurs.

“She’s much more tolerable this way,” Jackson agrees.

“I don’t think she’s even listening,” Nolan points out.

“Neither are you,” Tim replies gruffly.

He doesn’t take his eyes off you, distracted by your rigid posture and silence. Something is wrong. Whether someone in your office told you to stand down or you’re troubled by another instance, you’re not acting like yourself, and Tim hates it.

“Good afternoon,” a man says into the microphone.

Tim glances at him, wonders why he’s not in uniform, and then refocuses on you.

“The architect and engineer contracts are time-based, correct?” he inquires.

“Yes, sir,” the mayor replies.

“Then what makes you think the next crew to sign a two-year contract won’t have the same bias? The same obsession with being paid quickly rather than doing good work?”

“It’s not so much the contract as the ethics of the companies themselves. We’ve already begun the search for new firms and have found promising and talented teams we’re eager to begin working with.”

The man nods and returns to the back corner of the room, standing away from the rest of the crowd. After excusing yourself softly, you walk to the back of the room, heading toward the door. You’re on the same side of the room as Tim, but he can’t see you behind him.

While you approach the man in blue, he walks along the wall, nearing the front row. He’s getting too close to the mayor and too close to Tim, you think. You slow when he stops.

“Is your office prepared to provide additional resources to the stations in need while we wait for this building development to begin, Mr. Mayor?” Sergeant Grey asks.

The officers applaud his question, sharing their support of the idea. You don’t listen for the mayor’s reply as the man slips his hand beneath the back of his jacket and wraps his fingers around something.

“Quiet, please,” the mayor calls. “Thank you. And that’s an excellent question.”

“Officer Bradford,” the man says.

As Tim begins to turn, the man pulls his arm forward, and you don’t hesitate to surge forward. You tackle him to the floor, knocking his gun out of his hand and toward the stage. Officer Chen stands first, rushing to your side as she takes your position and handcuffs the armed man. The mayor is escorted off the stage by security, and you’re distantly aware of cameras flashing.

“Are you okay?” Tim asks, pulling you up to stand as his eyes search your face.

“I’m fine,” you reply. “Are you?”

Tim shakes his head, and you smile.

“I don’t even care if you’re gonna be the death of me,” Tim murmurs.

He leans toward you, holding your face between his hands, and kisses your forehead. You’re both ignorant of the people watching you until Lucy shoves the man against the wall, and someone clears their throat.

“I, uh,” Angela begins. “I think we owe you an apology.”

“Me or her?” Tim asks, squaring his shoulders as he steps to your side.

“Both.”

“She’s the one for you,” Bishop realizes aloud. “I couldn’t see that past my own feelings.”

“I’m sorry about the decision,” you offer. “I fought for you, but I couldn’t make it work.”

“Didn’t fight very hard then,” Jackson grumbles.

“Watch it, boot,” Tim warns.

“No, it’s okay,” you interject. “I could have done more; I won’t deny that. But I’m confident that the plans we’re working on now will be far better than what you could have gotten had I succeeded this time.”

“What do you see in Tim?” Lucy asks as two other officers escort the apprehended gunman out of the room.

You look at Tim, and your smile grows when you answer, “Someone who saw me, and didn’t give up when I thought I wasn’t worthy of being seen or loved.”

“Do you want me to call a paramedic or anything?” Nolan inquires.

“I’m fine,” you assure him. “Not every day the desk jockey gets to save her cop boyfriend.”

“Yeah,” Angela begins, “what was that about, Timothy?”

Tim shrugs, bumping his arm against yours.

“I’m pretty sure that was Garrison Peters,” you say. “He works for one of the firms whose contract is about to expire and won’t see the station payday.”

“Which he’s mad about,” Bishop agrees. “But why Tim?”

“You said Garrison Peters?” Tim repeats. “Relation to Andrea?”

“Married, I think,” you answer.

“I arrested her for a RICO warrant. Lawyer argued she was obsessed with money and the jury indicted.”

“Hence why we didn’t want to use their firm!” you exclaim. “They’re corrupt!”

The five officers around you have different reactions to that revelation. Lucy says, “Oh,” and then grimaces. Angela and Bishop press their lips together and nod slowly. Jackson purses his lips but still looks like he’d rather hear it from someone who isn’t you. And Nolan mumbles something about contractors that you can’t decipher.

“Sorry,” Angela says first.

“I am too,” Bishop adds.

“Me, three,” Lucy offers.

“Sorry, and sorry again on behalf of… everybody,” Nolan says.

Jackson doesn’t apologize, but you smile at him regardless. “Thank you,” you reply.

“Thank you,” Tim whispers.

You rub his shoulder kindly before you drop your hand.

“I was supposed to have dinner with the mayor, but he’ll probably be in lockdown, if you’d like to join me,” you suggest.

“Absolutely not,” Tim interrupts. “You can all go home and plan better apologies. We’re going to dinner.”

“Tim,” Bishop says before he can leave. “You’re really good together.”

“I know.”

Tim leads you out of the room and interlaces his fingers with yours as he leads you to your office. He suggests a few restaurants worthy of his savior, but you don’t reply. In the privacy of your office, you sit against the corner of your desk and beckon him closer. You spread your hands over his chest when his legs hit your knees.

“That was terrifying,” you admit.

Tim sobers, lifting his hands to run his fingers along your forearms. “I’m sorry. I know that what you did was for me, but it was risky and reckless... I’m sorry it scared you.”

“What I did didn’t scare me. The idea of losing you did.”

Nodding, Tim drops his chin toward his chest and looks at you. “You saved my life. I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”

“You saved mine first,” you whisper. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“What can I say? I’m hooked,” Tim replies, smiling brightly.

You scrunch your nose at his response, then murmur, “Nope.”

He scoffs, preparing to remind you that you’re together and you can’t push him away that easily. Before he can, you grip his shirt and pull him toward you, kissing him without a single thing between you. Tim Bradford is on your string, but you’re done pulling it because you’re hooked, too.

[magbld]

#3 entry

I'm slowly trying to heal. I wonder how long it'll take till my feelings aren't as intense. I'm afraid that I'll lose these feelings for you, but I should, right? It makes me sad that things turned out so sad for us (sort of), you'll make your cake--I'm sure. I worked today, it was a 3 hour morning shift. I pretty much did the same thing I usually do just stock. You were on my mind the whole time. You usually were on my mind the whole time when I worked anyways just in a different context. I didn't talk much today at work; honestly, I just couldn't find the energy to do it. I called my team leader a tyrant and that we should perform a mutiny against him (jokingly). It was funny for me at least. Afterwards I went home and showered, it felt good. a nice steam shower that I thought would supposedly clear my head! It didn't though LOL. Things will change of course, nothing lasts forever! Time will pass. Afterwards I sat down on the couch and my family now knows we are broken up. although it was hard trying to explain it, but I don't feel like explaining it much. They don't need to know, they weren't involved much anyways. Me and my friend then went around to buy our skiing gear. Honestly, his car is dirty LOL. Can't really blame a 19 year old dude with his first car though. The whole time I was aux and I don't think I ever told you but whenever I had aux I would play shit for fun to fuck with people. You wouldn't get it but I played dumb songs like SAO theme, Saiyan walk, and fart noises, (very niche). It made me laugh. We went to the mall, and explored our options. Why is skiing gear so expensive what the fuck? We went to those expensive shops for software engineers who boulder and hike that got money to spend. We were not spending 200+ dollars on some fucking snow pants ! LOL. Well we searched then gave up and went to Walmart. We bought youth (14-16) snow pants for 18 dollars. Fast fashion >>>>. Thank god we have fast fashion! I jokingly told him let's go get pedicures if they were less than 40$ -- I'd pay for both. We laughed. Afterwards we went to get some bourbon st. It's supar good! supar yummy. He had no beverage and I kept talking about how perched he must be (he bought water). Now I'm just at home laying in bed, I texted you about our comp sci grades. maybe I just wanted to talk to you for a bit. I miss the girl I was in love with. I still love her. It's only been two or so days and yet I miss you so much. I didn't cry today but who knows what'll happen tonight. I hope you're doing well recently. Eat good! and treat yourself well or at least how you think I would've treated you when you were down. You talked about how you just want to ignore it but it saddened me hearing that. Ignoring our relationship kind of hurts! Just a little at least. Who knows how's that making you feel though. I wouldn't. We can still talk till you have closure. I'll miss you still. It's like grieving for someone who I've lost! like a passing partner.

[justagrin]

smth i shoved into a discord group specifically for people to talk about SA (tw for implied csa/rape/incest)

oooof one of my friends disclosed to me that (tw sa & incest) their dad SA'd them (at least once? idk if its a reoccuring thing i didnt ask any questions n they understandably clammed up n changed the subject n i said "hey if you ever need to talk about anything i have similar experiences" but oh boy is it lowkey triggering that stuff for me rn. idefk if my stuff counts as sa tho. like i know my dad sexualised me a lot like verbally as a kid and i remember being disgusted all the time and i remember being fucking terrified of him all the time even when he didn't seem to be doing anything. and i remember him often saying or doing stuff and i'd just think to meself "ok we're repressing that!" (unsurprisingly i don't remember what actually prompted that). i dont have any memories of him touching me but i have some of someone touching me and the way i react to certain sexual situations is sus as fuck, but honestly those could be two entirely different things but idk! idk. i just remember telling my mum that all the stuff he said made me uncomfy and predictably got told i was "overreacting" and that it was "normal" which turned into "he just doesn't know when something's inappropriate" and honestly thats the closest to closure i'm ever gonna get but whatever. anyway the dots aren't connected enough to me to outright say i relate and im sure as fuck not ready to actually talk about it to anyone irl but yeah. idk where i was going with this tbh. i have a notebook of stuff from my childhood related to that^ (from when i've remembered them, but most of the stuff in the book i can't remember unless i read it over again) and my friends who've seen it have reacted with pretty strong disgust but idk. my entire childhood was that & gaslighting myself into thinking i was overreacting (which btw!! lead to me getting SA'd and harassed so many fucking times as an adult!!!) so it was normal to me pfft and counsellors i've shown it to all refuse to give me a solid answer bc they don't wanna "risk giving me false memories") but agghhh. one thing i definitely remember is whenever i had discharge or my period in my teens i'd just. want to cry and shake and curl up and errrrrrrmmmmmmm thats not normal lol. something was definitely wrong there but idk if i'll ever fucking be able to figure out what that is.

ok yeah i dug the notebook out again and (same tw's as above, just kind of graphic and intense) yeah theres a bit in there about him crawling into my bes and i was freaked the fuck out so i just ran out of the room and when i told my mum i was told it was "normal". and theres a bit where i was 14 and drew art based on the song pantsu nugeru mon (lit: i can take off my panties) bc i was 14!! i wasn't THINKING anything secxual!! it was a song about growing up to me! so my dumb ass showed my dad bc i was proud of the art itself and he got really weird and intense and close and was like "what are you going to do when you take off your panties?" which. ew. gross. fuck off. oh and that one time i fell asleep on the sofa and i guess i had a sex dream or smth which i didnt think anything of until my dad randomly got intense and weird again and asked if i "had any interesting dreams" that night (which he never usually does ffs). oh and he fully called ma tease relatively recently actually, and said i should call my (now ex) boyfriend "daddy", has referred to himself as my "daddy" in THAT godawful tone and makes frequent BDSM jokes towards his sister which is just an example of the verbal shit i had to put up with and idk how anyone in the room when it happens can excuse it but to them i guess its one weird thing he said they can brush off bc they don't realise i had to hear it CONSTANTLY and deal with what he DID to and they didn't see the scary moments. i also remember reading a magazine article about incest/csa when i was like 11ish?? and idk WHAT it triggered but my absolute fear of my dad/older men in general kind of started after that and my mum always said it was reading the magazine that did it but bro i dont think one thing like that can elicit a decade or so of consistent fight or flight mode I think my body remembered stuff that I can't.

Jesus fucking christ thats the most concise way i've ever actually described that. idk if anyone can relate or anything. also honestly now that he's been relatively "good" for a few years now in terms of how he speaks to me i don't really get the fear response anymore. and i'm dependent on him for finances and medical stuff so its. whatever. i guess. i'm fucking terrified that if i ever have a daughter he'll pull the same shit (hence basically nuking my body with birth control lmao) and luckily my brother's kids are both boys so i don't believe he's a threat to them if he didnt treat my brothers the same way he did me ygm? but idk what i can actually do about it

[yourantag]

Glass Heart (Ithaqua×Reader)

AN: I love me my different perspectives. So, here is the Ithaqua POV/continuation of "Paper Stars." It comes with the last of my sanity :) Word count: 2.5k words Summary: He can't love you. He said it specifically that way because it would be a lie if he ever said that he didn't love you. Ithaqua could never not love you. Even when he loves you enough to make his glass heart shatter, he won't stop. Even as he cuts his fingers putting it back together, he can't stop loving you, just as he can't love you.

When he first met you, Ithaqua's first thought was simple.

'Ugh, a stunner.'

Certainly not the most romantic thought in the world, but he is a hunter after all. Besides, you made the match quite difficult with your abilities, so could you really blame him?

Despite his annoyance, Ithaqua (begrudgingly) respected your skills. You hadn't been at the manor long, barely having arrived before him, yet you had already seemingly mastered your abilities and understood the game well. It made him a bit curious, since most who entered the manor fumbled at the start. Such high adaptive capabilities matched with a kind heart and intelligent mind rarely appeared naturally. 

Besides that, this was Oletus manor. No one who came here, willingly or unwillingly, was truly normal. They were unfortunate, greedy, foolish, or naive, if not all at once usually. Their stories, which they seldom shared, were one's that people could only say are pitiful, really. 

So, what are you? Another greedy soul who wished for gold, glory, and more? Perhaps you were someone seeking repentance for their past sins, or a way to forget them? Were you seeking closure from the loss of a loved one? Or, maybe, you were here for revenge?

Interestingly, as he came to get to know you, he found that you weren’t any of them at all. You had come to the manor to find yourself, as you had lost most of your memories due to a horrible accident.

"It's weird." You had said. "Being surrounded by people who apparently know me, yet I don't know them much, if at all. They keep telling me I should like this or hate that, but... that's not who I am now. I guess what I wanted most was to know who I was before, not to become them, but to understand. Understand who it is they miss. It's weird to miss someone who's right in front of you, but in a way, the old me died that day, and now, I'm here. Shouldn't I at least try to be empathetic to those who were close to me?"

It's stupid, he thinks, that those close to you hurt you, ripping you apart to find any shred of the "you" they once knew. Certainly, it's heartbreaking to have someone you love forget you, but hurting them won't bring back their memories. Ithaqua can't understand why they would rather mourn the you that's gone than to love the you that's here now. Instead of thinking about all the memories you had lost, it would be better to treasure the time they had with you and make new ones.

Perhaps it's just human nature to be stuck in the past, to mourn what they had, to lust for more than they need.

Regardless, Ithaqua found that you were lovely just the way you were. Even as pieces of your memories came back, as you started to grow more aware of your habits and why you did them, you were still you. You shared with him sometimes the memories that came back, smiling as you fiddled with another paper star you made.

"A friend once told me that if I make a thousand paper stars, I can get a wish fulfilled!" 

"Well then, I suppose you'll get that wish quite soon. You've been making those absent-mindedly for quite a while."

You had smiled, a proud one that lit up your whole face. You proclaimed you would make a thousand jars of a thousand paper stars. After all, a thousand stars for a wish seems quite cheap, even if this is all superstition.

Whenever Ithaqua remembers that moment, he can't help but smile. Such determination for something you weren't even sure was going to work. Childish, yet that flickering hope was too brilliant for him to willingly extinguish. So, he didn't, watching and sometimes even helping to grow your collection of stars. 

Many years passed, and as the days flew by, Ithaqua couldn't quite hide the feelings that had started to take root in his chest. They were beautiful and complicated, making him lose his cool and fumble where he usually wouldn't. They were odd, they were powerful, and they were so painfully human.

Ithaqua didn't think he was capable of being human again before he met you.

His glass heart, once perfect and whole, had shattered the same day his mother was ripped away from him. With that, all of his reason and humanity had left him. Ithaqua became a monster that hunted down everyone who dared hurt his mother, was even remotely involved. It didn't matter who they were; for as long as they assisted in hurting him and his family, they were dead.

Yet, as revenge tends to do, it left him empty and cold once he had acquired it. The flames of anger and hatred quietly burned out as all that remained was sorrow. Beneath his desire for vengeance was a boy who simply wanted his mother back. However, lost lives could never come back, and even if they could, Ithaqua didn't know if he had the courage to look his mother in the eye after all he had done.

When he had told you this, his sins laid bare before your eyes, you hugged him. No fear touched you, nor did any feelings of hatred or disgust. If anything, you looked like you were in pain. It was the first time in his life Ithaqua ever experienced someone being angry on his behalf, who saw who he was and sought to understand rather than to judge. 

Perhaps his sins were unforgivable, he knew they weren't one's he could easily cleanse, but when you held him and told him you loved him regardless, he felt that he'd do whatever it takes to be forgiven. Ithaqua thought that, if he repented and were one day forgiven, he would then at least have the right to one day tell you how much he loved you. Would you wait until that day? His heart made of glass, fragile as ever, felt like it healed at the mere thought.

However, life isn't so kind as to offer you the time to do all that you wish. It marches on ruthlessly and takes with it people, places, and memories.

It was an accident, but he overheard it.

"I can't wait to leave the manor."

Of course you would want to leave. Ithaqua would never hold it against you to want to leave. After all, for as long as you resided within the manor, the chances of you being pulled into a match was practically 100%. It was better if you left the manor. 

Yet, he forgot one crucial detail.

One day, you will be able to leave the manor. Ithaqua, however, would never be able to leave the manor, not alive at least. Hunters were those who were long dead, immortal, or the like. Ithaqua was someone who was both mortal yet immortal, therefore unable to leave. Hunters could only leave either by moving on to the afterlife or by going to their special realms. Therefore, Ithaqua would never quite be able to stand by your side no matter what he chose to become.

It was a terrible truth, one only he would know. The other hunters would say it'd be fine if they knew, but he felt it was not. The only way for the two of you to be together is if you stayed in the manor, and that isn't something either or you want. Ithaqua could never ask you to suffer so he could keep you by his side. He would rather live his life without you if it means you'd be happy.

He loves you. He can't help but love you. But if it means you'll suffer, he can't love you. Ithaqua refuses to be the reason you suffer, even if it means breaking his glass heart with his own hands.

So, he starts acting as if he's blind and deaf. Ithaqua is by no means an idiot, nor is he oblivious, but he can certainly pretend he is. Even as you stare at him with love and adoration, even as you grow more comfortable with him, even as you clearly show that you're in love with him as much as he is with you, he can't. Though his heart beats for you, his mind will not allow it to do anything beyond that.

He wants to hold you, press his hands into your cheeks and watch you flounder in confusion, wants to kiss words of affection onto every inch of your skin until you realize that you are loved, but he cannot.

Ithaqua can't love you, yet he can't stop loving you. He knows this is hurting you just like it's hurting him, but what else can he do? He can't let you know the truth, he knows you'd certainly stay if you did. That is the worst case scenario, truly. So, to protect you, he must hurt you. 

How cruel.

The cruelest thing, however, is how the marching of time finally comes to knock on his door, informing him his time with you is over. You are to leave him in barely a day.

The first feeling that bubbles up is relief. You'll finally be free, you'll finally be safe. He says he's happy for you when you tell him, and he means it. It's only once you leave that the other feelings boil over.

Grief, longing, anger, and pain. They overwhelm him from the inside out, crushing his poor, poor heart as he weather's the storm of his emotions. For a moment, a moment of intense weakness, Ithaqua considers asking you to stay. To ask you to stay by him and don't leave him please don't leave him he'll do anything just please-

But he knows he can't. 

When you finally leave, when he feels you slip from his grasp like sand slipping through fingers, he has to stop himself from reaching out. Ithaqua can only let himself mourn as he has lost the person he has loved the most once again, this time truly and wholly due to himself.

Then, he discovers the messages. Well, more like memos. He breaks apart star after star, reading sentence upon sentence, forming what he can only describe as the most terribly beautiful thing he's ever seen. Each star marks the feelings you felt, the Ithaqua you saw and loved. 

It's painful. So, so very painful, to see through your eyes who he was and how much you loved him. A galaxy of "I love you's" you never said, confessions and prayers littering a milky way formed from stardust and dedication. The heart crushing mess that tore you up inside as you tried to contain it longer and longer, forming paper stars in its wake. The only remnants of you, the only proof of your pain and affection.

Then, he remembers.

"I'll make a thousand jars of a thousand paper stars. I'll fill loads of bottles and jars, put them everywhere in my room, and get a wish! What do you think, Ithaqua?"

Never in his life was Ithaqua more glad to have the wind at his beck and call.

He ran down halls, climbed up stairs, and passed seemingly millions of windows and doors. The whistling of the whipping wind seemed to beckon him, begging him to run faster. He wound around corners, barely missing the remaining hunters and survivors, before finally, at last, he arrived at his destination. 

Your room.

As he lifts his hand up to open the door, he hesitates. Ithaqua rests his hand on the handle, pursing his lips as he wonders if this is a good idea. Certainly, knowing everything that you felt will bring him more pain. It will bring him closure, perhaps, but truly, nothing could be worth the heartache he'll feel.

However, turning away now would be the same as turning away from you. He'd be turning away from the truth, from the fact that he had a chance with you, yet was too cowardly to try and keep you by his side, to make it work somehow. Even if the world is not ideal, when it's for the person you love, you can compromise and make almost anything happen.

So, he opens the door, finding it much emptier than the last time he visited. Photos and clothes, little knick knacks and trinkets that once filled your room are missing, taking with it the feel of home. All that remains are the bare furniture and the bottles and jars of paper stars.

It started slowly, Ithaqua opening the containers on your table. Then, mere moments later, he was opening hundreds upon hundreds of jars, bottle after bottle, pouring out the universe and its secrets upon the table as he opened star upon star. Depending on how long you had been at the manor when creating them, the feelings differed, as did the colors.

Frantically, desperately, Ithaqua read through the fine texts, each word stabbing into him worse than the last. The first stars he had read from were the most recent. The further back in time he went, the less hopeless, pained, and tearful they were. The further he went back, the more lovesick your words became.

"Today, Ithaqua tripped and fell like a baby fawn on ice. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen, yet somehow he still managed to look attractive while doing so. This is absolutely unfair!"

"With eyes like the abyss, hair like platinum, and a smile both mischievous and kind, Ithaqua is someone even Aphrodite can't help but adore."

"I didn't think I'd ever fall in love at first sight, but when it's someone with witty humor, the most charming laugh, and heartwarming nature, how could I not? Ithaqua is akin to what love-struck poets would write sonnets about."

Ithaqua is drowning in affection, the night sky within his hands suffocating him with each earnest whisper of love. Like prayers upon the wind, sweet and sincere and so very innocent, they tell him every word of worship that had passed through your mind, forming sentences upon sentences on delicate paper.

His shoulders shake and shiver, his hands crumpling paper despite his best efforts. Tears fall with renewed vigor, as though the ones he'd shed when you left hadn't happened at all. The ache in his chest hurts in a way he never thought possible, burning yet cold, numb yet all too much.

For the third time in his life, Ithaqua feels his heart shatter.

He begs and he pleads under his breath, sobs breaking through his words while one hand clutches where his heart should be. Ithaqua grits his teeth as he thinks of all that could've been, of all that had happened, the pain he'd given to both you and him when it could've been love instead.

Throughout his breakdown, Ithaqua can't help but wonder if, instead of taking matters into his own hands, instead of not giving you a choice, instead of sabotaging himself, if he had loved you earnestly as himself, unabashedly, could things have been different? If he had asked you to stay, if he threw away his pride and asked like a priest on their knees, begging at the altar, could you have loved him now as he loves you?

[twentytarot]

good morning, you have 1 unread message!

my pac tag | tell me about the reading, suggest new readings, tell me about your day

PILE ONE: BREAKFAST

someone would like to give you some advice, but they don't because they're afraid they might be overstepping. you might not be familiar enough with this person, and they don't want you to feel bad about yourself. you seem to currently be in some sort of conflict, one that has trapped you for quite a while now. this is likely about your family and career. you very much need to break away from something— both emotionally and physically— but you're not sure how. this person seems to feel some alone time and solitude would do you good. you haven't had much time to sort your thoughts out, have you? you just keep getting into these small fights that take up all of your brain power and energy, but the root problem remains.

this person sees huge potential in you. they feel like a mentor of some sort, maybe a counsellor, professor or your manager. they feel that once you ground yourself and set your priorities straight, you'll have a huge upgrade in your mental state and life, and this will give you the ability to also scale up at work. they want you to know that you shouldn't be sweating the small things (but they sympathise, and that's also part of why they have trouble telling you all of this).

lastly, they want you to know that you have a supporter in them, and they'll be happy to lend a hand whenever. they just think you would find them too invasive and weird, so they just watch you from afar. it doesn't seem they think you need help either, per se, but if they can give reassurance or pointers to make your life easier, they're more than happy to.

PILE TWO: ICED TEA

this person wants you to know that they can't help but feel inferior to you. this manifests in different ways for different people— for some of you, you may find that this person lashes out often to try and get you, or undermines you frequently. for others of you, this person has decided to avoid you completely. some of you may have even liked this person a lot in the beginning, but this person turned against you quickly. they'd like you to know, for the sake of closure, that they turned against you because they perceived this gap in strength and success too big for them to handle. ultimately it looks like they truly want the best for you, and so they'd rather just... leave instead of resent you.

this person strikes me as maturely immature, if you will— like they're still in their beginning stages of adult life and they don't have much figured out but they're self-aware enough to know that they're still immature. i think it's entirely possible that this person will return, but for now, it's probably best that you take care of yourself first, don't try and be any less of a queen because you're afraid of stealing limelight, embrace your abundance. this person wouldn't want you hung up on them, they hope and think you were never affected by their presence in your life in the first place, and although that isn't true, for now you'll just have to make peace with the facts. they don't realise the impact they had on your life; you don't know when you'll ever get the chance to tell them. if you need to, talk to your maternal role model, whether that's your mom or someone else, about it. wishing you the very best!

PILE THREE: MIFFY TEA

this person is referencing an event that may have happened when both of you were younger, or, at the very least, they were quite young when this event happened. they'd like to thank you for the wake up call you gave them, unintentionally or otherwise. yes, you fought, yes, it was ugly, but they learned a lot from it. for some of you, i'm feeling this may be your first ex. they feel lucky that it was you that appeared in their life when they needed someone to smack some sense into them. they're glad you made them make a choice and commit to it; even though they resisted in the beginning, now they understand that life without these hard choices and commitments is empty. they'd like you to know that they've grown a lot since then and they're so much more independent than who you knew them to be. they like to think you contributed to this, even if just a little.

i doubt the two of you are in contact anymore, and that's the biggest reason why this person won't tell you this personally— they can't. however, they think of your memory with a lot of fondness, and sometimes they wonder if you think they resent you for the fight that happened, and they really wish they could tell you that they don't; not at all. they're grateful for the opportunity to grow, and they feel everything that happened was meant to happen and it was for the best. they have so much love for you!

PILE FOUR: INSTANT NOODLES

hi, and welcome to the romance pile! high fives all around, bring it in. i was honestly getting worried that this entire PAC would just be filled with heavy messages, but the last 2 piles have been a lot lighter than the first two. now, let's get the obvious aside: someone has feelings for you but won't tell you because they are terrified. this person feels very put-together, like they're always capitalising the first letter in every sentence, even if they're just sending a casual text. they're not the kind to reach out for no reason, and so the two of you have probably not interacted as much as they would have liked. still, they think you're really cool and they like it when you're happy.

they biggest thing holding back is that they strongly feel something has to change for a romance to be able to blossom from this, and they suspect it's them. this is kind of two-fold because yes, they're probably not going to have a successful romance if they continue guarding their heart obsessively the way they're doing right now, but they don't actually have to change to be in a romantic relationship, they're just panicking. i'm a little all over the place typing this right now, so i think they are too. i don't think they even know what they want to tell you yet, they just threw this whole jumbled up mess into the universe and prayed for the best (are they me??? lol).

overall, no rush. they're not ready at all. with their anxious personality and tendency to overthink, it'll be a long time before they're ready to face you head-on. if you know who this person is, like them and don't mind making the first move you could go for it, but if you're not then you could just leave things as they are and watch. things are pretty up in the air and up to the two of you right now, i'm not seeing that much divine intervention at this point. good luck!

[desertprincessss]

---------------HOODIE--------------

Warnings: Gammer errors, sad/depressed reader, angst.

G:🍭(angst)

.(What's in pink are the lyrics to the song, I couldn't decide on who to base this story on so y'all can use y'all's imagination and or comment who you think is best suited.[It was supposed to be for Barou tbh]The lyrics to the song repeats itself so I bounced around a few times.)

It's been how long now? 3 weeks,3 months . You don't know nor do you care.All you know for sure is that he's gone and you're no longer the center of his life.You lay on you bed rolled up into a ball of depression

You'd probably think I was psychotic (if you knew)

You weren't crazy, it's what you told yourself over again, you were just attached

What I still got in my closet (sad but true)

You'd open your closet door and there it was staring back at you, it's grey color matching the current emotion you're feeling for still having this stuck in your closet. No one knew about this.

I slip it on over my shoulders

You would wear it whenever you feel yourself slipping away or need some kind of closure. And recently it seems like you've hardly ever taken it off.

Something I'll never get over,It makes me feel a little bit closer to you.

Whenever you put it on it reminds you of the first time he lent it to you, around the time you guys first started dating. You were shivering cold but he dropped his oversized jacket onto your shoulders and you instantly were mask in his scent . You never wanted to return it after that , no matter how many times he asked for it.

I can't keep your love, I can't keep your kiss

Your love is all gone , you took it with you out the door. But I still have this.

Gave you everything and all I got was this

All the love I gave you has been left behind.

I'm still rocking your hoodie.

Months after the break up you still desperately clung onto his hoodie. You'd swirl around your room , watching it dance over your thighs, you couldn't help but constantly think about how big it was on you . Most of the time you'd even go shopping in it, lolling around stores you guys would shop at.Stopping at every full body mirror and imagining him standing right next to you as you would tug at his hoodie for him to give it to you. Or as he's trying on a new hoodie youre already asking if you could barrow it for the weekend.

And chewing on the strings

He would always get mad at you for this,he'd Tell you how unsanitary that is, as he watch you nibble on the string attach to the hoodie. Or when you would return it and the string is wet. The strings to the hoodie now are all worn out now, of months of constant chewing as a comping mechanism.

It makes me think about you,So I wear it when I sleep.

It keeps you from going insane when the nights are cold and dark, lonely. From when he use to lay next to you , wide awake, as you'd be all snuggled up next to him. Inhaling his scent to help yourself out a bit more, snuggling yourself deeper into his warmth with ever little nook and cranny that goes bump in the night .

I kept the broken zipper

You remembered when the zipper popped off, and you were crying about it. He told you not to worry about it and that it's fine. And to just trash it . Which you did, but you found yourself rumbling through the trash that week of the break up desperately trying to find the tiny trinket

.I used to put my hand in your pockets

When my hands would get freezing cold, you'd look down at his hand and shyly sneak your hands into his.

The smell of your cologne is still on it (but you're still gone)

The strong smell of his cologne you remember he would spray on himself. But it's been months since the break up and the smell was wearing off.You didn't want that to happen, the hoodie just isn't the same without his smell!. Thankfully you remembered the name of the brand he uses and brought a few. And every now and then whenever the smell seem to be fading you'd drown yourself and the hoodie in it, making it perfect.

Someone I'll never get over.

He was your first real boyfriend and you thought for sure that you two would last, this wasn't some measly high school couple . You two actually had a concrete relationship. He was so respectful of you and your boundaries and he was so loving, in his own way. Arguments would hardly ever happen cause he doesn't ever want to raise his voice at you or appear as frightening.

Baby, even though it hurts Still rocking your.

All of these sweet memories are hurting you and clinging to this hoodie isn't making it any better. But you don't want to let go of it you're just going to bask in its warmth for just a little while longer. Just until you're fully stable.

If you want it Back If you want it back I'm here waiting Come take it back Come take it back.

The hoodie is now yours to keep, you declared to yourself. And if he really loves his hoodie then you'll be ready to give yourself back to him along with his hoodie. He can always have back his hoodie, just not without you that is.

[shinsukeee]

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝

"𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧' 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐟𝐞𝐰?"

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐨, 𝐅𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐞

masterlist

Prim continues to rehearse in the room Diluc showed her earlier, struggling to find a song that could somehow fit the atmosphere and Mondstadt's vibes or agendas.

Hmm...what does Mondstadt...

She freezes as she remembers that song, it was...'her' favorite song. Prim could barely even remember anything or think of anything whenever Dandelions start playing, just remembering the girl she fell for.

"It wouldn't hurt, this could serve as my small step to closure...right?"

She hesitates as thoughts drown her once more, she closes her eyes and takes deep breaths.

"I think...I need fresh air..."

She slowly heads outside, telling one of the maids before heading somewhere in Dawn Winery. As she takes in the beautiful scenery, she slowly feels the pain leaving.

It'll continue hurting me like this until I truly get the closure...I want...

Just for me to remind myself that 'hey, you guys are friends now. No need to hold on to the past'

She hums as the breeze gently caresses her cheeks, feeling relaxed that somehow it made her calm. Grounded her more than anything and made her realize that she has to get over it somehow. After all, it's that girl's loss not hers. That girl lost someone who truly cared and dedicated themself to her despite seeing many beautiful girls and boys, Prim remained loyal and didn't care if the distance was too wide nor the wait would be longer than expected.

She sits on top of a hill nearby and hums.

"Every day we started fighting, every night we fell in love"

The pain kept clawing at her, as if telling her she deserves to feel it. She shouldn't move on from it, yet Prim ignores that and continues singing. The only way to calm her down.

"No one else could make me sadder, but no one else can lift me high above~"

She grips the clothing where her heart is, brows furrowing as the pain gets deeper and deeper. She had to let it out her chest, she's tired of crying. Tired of feeling like she should cry when no tears could ever come out. One where only a song could heal her a little, save her a little...a habit she used to have and escape reality's cruel reminders.

"I don't know what I was doing...when suddenly we fell apart~"

Back to December but I'd go back to November back when we were alright...

We fell in love in October...more like we fell apart in November...

Bound to falling apart...

Prim pushes those thoughts away and sings her heart out, only softly. It'd be rude to wake some people up at night just cause she's in pain.

"Nowadays, I cannot find her...but when we do, we'll get a brand new start..."

If you find her then what?

Will you let your walls fall apart again?

Will you let yourself be hurt again?

How many times do you have to do this to yourself?

You can't change the past, you never could

Enjoy this moment than hurting yourself over it

Heal yourself

Whether your walls fall or not, never expect anything from people

That way, you wouldn't be as hurt as much anymore

You're used to always being left alone, aren't you?

She grits her teeth as the voice comes back.

"I'm in love with a fairytale, even though it hurts..."

She couldn't feel anything that could make her cry, she feels like she should but she couldn't. No tears could come out anymore, as if what remained was an empty shell back to discarding her emotions and feelings.

"I don't care if I lose my mind, I'm already cursed..."

She opens her eyes to see crystal flies surrounding her, wanting to comfort her as it seems they feel what she feels. Prim chuckles and gently touches one, closing her eyes with a smile on her face.

"Thank you, lovelies..."

She mumbles before watching them fly away, she lays on the grass and watches the moon. One of her favorite activities during childhood, back when she was always bored in night and couldn't sleep. Her father would take her outside and they'd watch the moon together, he'd tell her stories and they'd wait for a shooting star to make wishes, how innocent and naive she was. Which Prim later found out the 'shooting star' is just a meteor or meteorite in Science Class.

"The Moon is beautiful, isn't it?"

She blurts out and sighs, enjoying the cold breeze of the night and peaceful view.

"It is"

She looks at the side to see Diluc, wearing a cloak and is holding his claymore before making it disappear.

Ah, just like in game, huh?

Yet I'm quite disappointed in that response...

He just stands there, watching her look at him before looking at the moon.

"The sun watches everyone yet the moon keeps our secrets, amazing, right?"

She says, clearly didn't mind him just watching her. She pats the unoccupied grass and he sits there, just looking at the beautiful night sky.

"It's dangerous out here, Your Grace"

He says, trying to persuade Prim into getting back inside. She didn't listen though.

"I can't always be trapped inside forever, Diluc. It feels like I'm back to being a perfect puppet"

He didn't quite catch the last one yet he couldn't help but feel peaceful for once, maybe it was the atmosphere or Prim's doing...maybe the place and the moon did make it seem like that.

No words were spoken the rest of the night as the peaceful atmosphere lasts before the two went back inside.

Somehow, that small interaction seemed to comfort the two at the quiet dark night.

Until they hear monsters lurking around the forest, Diluc immediately summons his claymore and goes infront of Prim.

"Get inside, Your Grace. It is dangerous for you to be out here"

Prim sighs.

"I understand you're worried for my safety, Diluc dear but I must remind you that I am not called the 'Divine One' for nothing"

She says as she feels an attack happen from behind, she quickly puts a hand out and all of a sudden dark vines come out of her palm and trap the 'monster' caged in her dark vines.

These...aren't vines...

As more monsters seem to attack, Prim holds her hand out in shock and summons a lightning in panic.

Diluc hears the clap of thunder as he fights the monsters away, they are a bit far from the Winery so the Winery is safe.

"Your Grace, was that you?"

"I-I think so..."

Prim's heart started beating harshly, she couldn't breathe as her hands started to shake. She first released those 'dark vines' before summoning thunder, heck, she isn't even Raiden Ei to do that.

"Eyes on the battle, My Lady"

Kaeya says as he joins the fight.

"We can talk about your abilities that aren't said in the prophecy later, for now, let's focus on this lovely battle"

Diluc groans at Kaeya's way of smooth talking, Kaeya and Diluc lends their hand out to Prim who looks at them in fear.

"Shall we three dance, Your Grace?"

They ask in unison as Prim hesitantly holds their gloved hand.

"We shall"

[chanandlersstuff]

The seasons pass and the heartbreak too

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Reader.

Summary: Life its a funny thing or maybe whats meant to be will find his way back together.

Word count: 1.927

Author’s note: This is the second part from this one and I was thinking that those two deserve some closure, so it will be one more part and that's it. Hope you like it. English is my second language so sorry for the misspellings. The song that inspired this part is "Nineteen" from Dylan, it's really good and some parts of it are on the story.

After leaving Charles at the airport that day, you didn't hear from him anymore until maybe the next year because having almost the same group of friends it was pretty hard not to know about him. One day while you were on a long call with Pierre he told you that he was dating a beautiful girl and that he seemed happy. That instead of breaking your heart completely made you happy because he was happy again. The love you had for him prevented you from being sad about it. Pierre also told you that Charles was having a great season and that also made you happy. Months passed and you didn't hear from him. You were getting better and better at your dream job, becoming more important in the business. The F1 life was little forgotten in your life but always alive in the back of your mind.

Summers, birthdays and seasons passed and Charles was achieving all his F1 goals. One night while having dinner with Pierre in some part of the world talking about life he told him that you were dating some guy and that you were happy. Charles’ fork stopped mid air when he heard the news and to Pierre surprise a smile appeared in his face, a genuine smile. He was happy for you, after all the last time he saw you was nearly three years ago and he didn't hate you, he had incredible affection towards you but that was it. Charles had no love interest in his life anymore but none of that had nothing to do with you.

Sometimes he wondered what were you doing with your life, if you achieved all your dream goals, if you were fine, all that kind of stuff. Even one time he almost dialled your number only to see if you had the same number and if you would answer him but that idea turn into a stupid one the second he almost tuch your contac name. You, on the other hand, while exploring new places or when you saw something that you thought would be fun for him, you couldn’t contain your brain from thinking about him and smiling. His name always on your phone but never used. Happy memories from the time you spend together, while being friends and lovers, no hold grudges.

One day while you were crossing the street, coffee in hand and sunglasses in your eyes, your mind deep down in work, someone shouting your name brought you back to reality and the voice was so familiar. You lowered your sunglasses to see better and when the window car next to you lowered too your heart seems to beat a little slower or everything happens in slow motion. He was there in his matt black Ferrari with the Monaco flag across the car and the 16 on one side. Charles Leclerc in the flesh, shouting your name in the red light of a street. With a smile on your face you walked to the passenger side of the car and you crouched a little to see him better.

-I wasn't entirely sure it was you.- Charles said smiling.

-So you took your chances shouting at me I see.- He nodded and you laughed. -How are you?

-Fine, fine. What about you?- The two of you were smiling like little kids on Christmas night.

-I’m fine too.- Looking at his face you notice that he hasn't changed that much. His face was more mature and his beard from a couple of days the same as you remembered. The honk of other cars brought you back to reality -It was fantastic to see you again but I'm going late to a meeting and those drivers are getting pissed.

He frowned a little and moved his head to see the cars behind him. -Oh. Yes, it was great seeing you again.- He smiled and you smiled back. You straightened and took two steps back. -WAIT.

-¿Yes?- Your voice was sweet.

-You ....eh....we….- You giggle because he was the same nervous Charles you remember when you were little.

-¿Yes Charles?.- He laughed and cleared his throat.

-I was thinking if you could give me your number.- You raised your eyebrows. -To stay in touch I mean, if you want of course.

You smile and from one of the pockets of your bag you pulled out your card. -Gimme a call whenever you want.- Your fingers touch and a familiar, not so forgotten, feeling travels through your bodys. -Bye Charles.

A week later you were walking towards him in whiteh trousers and shoes, a black tank top, sunglasses and hat. The “friendly lunch”, as he said, was in a restaurant in front of the water and the summer in the air made the day perfect. It wasn't a date at all, it was two friends who hadn't seen each other in a while catching up.

With a bottle of water in the middle, because he had to drive and you weren’t going to drink wine alone, the conversation flowed as easy as all those years ago. Laughs that made the stomach hurt and tears appeared in the corner of your eyes while the two of you remembered long time memories and funny histories.

The way he kept switching languages as easy as breathing and the sun that was coming down, illuminated your skin making you glow in his eyes and your smile, gosh it was the brightest smile he'd ever seen. Everything was so easy going and funny, like a picture perfect. As if the two of you have never walked away from your lives, as if you have talked every day for the past few years.

-Do you remember that night when we went to that awful party and we ended up drinking coffee in that spot we used to like so much?- He said when you came down from the laughter.

-It was the same day that your mum almost kill us because we were minor and we stunk at cigarettes?- The scene coming to your brain as it was yesterday and he nodded. -Oh yes, I remember. Some dude spilled his drink in my dress and it had a huge stain on it.

-Yes, that blue dress looked so beautiful on you.- You didn’t remember the color, but apparently Charles did.

-I was a mess Charles.- You tried to argue with him.

-A hot mess.- He said in a low tone hoping, praying that you didn’t hear him but you did and didn't say anything about it trying to not ruin the nice day you were having.

-Do you remember that day you called me late at night to pick you up at that random bar?- You said and he burst into laughter at the memory.

-Oh god yes. I almost came out of that bar crawling and you were there waiting for me in that empty street.- Charles said, scratching his head.

-Were only one streetlight worked properly.- You add in a funny tone.

-You were there with my jacket and two blankets and a worried face.

-Because it was freaking cold, like freezing.- You said laughing and he did too. -I don't remember why you were there and I could bet you don't remember either because you were so drunk that you forgot the reason.

-I remember that the next day I had the worst hangover of my life and I swore that I would never drink that way ever again.- Charles grabbed the glass from the table and drank.

-I remember that you were insufferable the next day, like I couldn't even look your way and you were already whining like a baby.- You said and he laughed.

-And the night you were so stressed about that exam and I told you to run away with me?- You frowned. -That I “kidnapped you” and took you to that little dinner and we stayed there for like 5 hours.- You were smiling but didn't say anything or move an inch. -The dinner that was like from the 70s or 80s, with neon signs and rock music.

You nodded with your head. -Can I be honest with you?- He nodded. -All I saw that night was you and how your eyes seem to change color with the neon lights. He didn't say anything but smiled brightly at you and blushed a little.

If you were honest you remember all too well the things you did together. The little lies to your friends telling you didn't like him when you clearly did, the big fights in those summer days where everything complicated and all the mistakes were made and how he always said “You and I, that’s all the matter. No one else, just you and I” and how he told you “You are the only one I want” when you were agreeing to that strange summer deal.

-Do you remember the day we spent in your granny’s garden looking at the stars in that white old sheet?- You said looking at water.

-Yes, we spent hours talking about our big dreams and desires.- A little silence fell between you two. -I really hope you achieve everything you told me that night.- The fact that he seemed to remember what you told him that night told everything that you needed to know.

-I did, most of them I did. I hope the same for you.

-I achieved some of them and I’m doing others this year.-

But the truth was that both of you made promises and dream things together, thinking that you would stay friends or lovers forever. Always by the other side, cheering their wins and being there when they lost but life wanted other things.

-It seems that we both remember a lot of things from years ago.- You said in a nervous tone trying to cover the inexistent awkward silence.

-Of course I remember. How could I ever forget it.- You tilted your head. -How quickly and hard I fell for you.- His tone was so tender and the smile he was giving you was something from another planet.

-Charles…- You played with the napkin in front of you.

-What? It's true, I was never capable of lying to you and you weren't capable either so tell me what's on your mind.- You stayed in silence for a couple of minutes trying to find sense about them.

-Loving you wasn't a waste. Yes hearts were bruised and mistakes were made but I will do it all the same.- You said and smiled at him.

-I don't.- The look on your face must be a hurt one because he rushed his next words. -Because at the end I lost you, everything we were. Friends, lovers, partners, everything lost for years.

-But we are here now.- You said in a slow tone.

-But for how long?- You opened your mouth to talk but he interrupted you. -A week? Ten days? You are going to get back to your job and I have to get back to race, it's the summer deal all over again. And I do not say this because I want to be your boyfriend again or whatever we have been years ago, I say it because I want my friend back. You know how many times I almost called you to tell you everything that was going on with my life, to tell you that I needed you when shit hit the fan? A thousand times. I do not want you in my life if you are going to be entering or leaving it as if it were a candy store. I want you permanently in it and I want to be in your life in the same way. Be there for you when your work is going well and when you cry from stress like all those years ago but this time physically. I want you here.- At this point he was moving his hands freneticaly and raising his voice a little but the only you could do was looked at him speechless absorving his statement and your stupid heart racing as fast as he drives his car in the weekends.

[lightlycareless]

i’m back, having reread chapter 25 for the umpteenth time,,, now whats drawn my eye is about midway through, ranta internally comments about how if y/n were to ever actually be gone (presumably implying ‘dead’ considering the prior lines), naoya would be ‘virtually inconsolable’.

i’ve presumed y/n will be surviving the story (though,,, im eyeing the major character death warning in trepidation,,) so considering we probably won’t get to see his reaction to that in canon, how would he handle that? and if it’s from that death sentence, i don’t imagine naoaki would take it well either, especially if he didn’t find out the sentencing even existed until it was too late,,

Hello!!! How are you? I'm so happy to see you again! ❤

Reliving the angst, aren't we? 😏

You're not the first one to bring up the major character death warning hahaha; all I gotta say is, I think it's going to be somewhat... satisfying, but the context behind it oof.

But let's indulge in this thought 🤭 Let's say that Y/N failed to get pregnant and her death sentence was finally enacted.

The estate would have mixed reactions to this whole ordeal. While it's not the first time they witnessed the death/funeral of a wife (Tomoko 😭), it has been a while since one has been sentenced to death.

Some of the members will think that Naobito's decision was a bit... exaggerated, however, they would soon understand that a woman of Y/N's heritage was better off dead if they couldn't make use of her—any other clan would've done the same. (Or so I assume... since the Kamo basically pushed Noritoshi's mother away after getting what they wanted. I think they would've disposed of her if she didn't... you know, do her job.)

Besides, he's the clan leader, so their opinion doesn't matter. Nonetheless, the servants that had began to take a liking to her will definitely mourn her absence. The ones that didn't would probably say shit like "She deserved it" and "Someone better will take her place in time"

Now, onto Naoya...

Just as Ranta said, he would be virtually inconsolable, for the young Zen'in heir went through great lengths to have Y/N by his side. He was shocked to see Naobito so... nonchalantly when he ordered Y/N to be killed if she failed to beget a child. Feeling worse upon realizing how he continuously blamed her for everything that lead up to that point, not realizing that he was to blame as well. For most of the entirety of it, if not all.

But there's nothing to do now. She's gone—Y/N is dead. All he ever wanted, needed, was over.

AND I ACTUALLY PLAYED WITH THE IDEA OF LIKE, NAOYA MANAGING TO REVIVE HER BUT SHE'S JUST NOT THE SAME YOU KNOW? THERE'S SOMETHING ODD. I LOVE THAT KIND OF CREEPY SHIT—PET SEMATARY AU HERE WE GO.

Naoya would circle down into depression, and dare I say, he might even pick up the habit of drinking—or throw himself constantly into missions, anything to distract his memory away from you. Circling back to the last point, in his lowest, he might actually consider bringing you back one way or the other, only to realize that's like forbidden, or so I believe, if not, all sorcerers would basically be immortal haha.

In terms of moving on, dating/marrying someone else. I don't think he would. He can't, specially when there was never closure for his last relationship. He just can't move on. He might even start seeing her around the estate, hallucinating her and all that** (See last part haha)

Anyways, her ladies would certainly whoop his ass—as much as they can/are permitted. They still can't believe that someone who dared say that loved you very much, actually allowed you to be harmed yet again. It wouldn't be underneath them to say things to him whenever passing by his side, make their disdain for him clear.

Naoaki would beat him to death tho. Or close to it.

He would be shocked, petrified, and even then, I think those words are an understatement. Naoaki never knew that you were in route to being basically murdered by his family, wondering over and over again why you never told him, and if there was perhaps something he could've done to stop it.

Before shifting the blame onto his brother for not trying hard enough to save you. This is when he would beeline into Naoya and beat him, and he would allow it, as some kind of punishment, before someone came along to separate them.

Naoaki's relationship with the family is done by this point. One might even think he was more in love with her than what Naoya proclaimed to be 🤔

I don't think anyone would be the same at the Zen'in estate, for Y/N had achieved quite the impact in the short time she was there.

I can't even imagine what kind of explanation the Zen'in would have to bring when the L/N clan decides to ponder on her wellbeing—nor what Hinata and Ren would do if they eventually learn Y/N's dead.

**However, Y/N might just come back to haunt Naoya :>

This ask is super sad 😭 I don't want any of this to happen for real hahahahah but who knows, I guess we'll have to see where the characters take me 😭

But it's certainly a interesting thought to ruminate on; I have considered different scenarios and how characters would react to it, just for fun, you know?

However, this has to be the saddest one yet hahah considering that Naoya is starting to open up his goddamn eyes to reality 😭😭 please don't make me think on this ever again (just kidding hahahahahahah we love the angst) but I need fluff tbh

I hope my response was to your liking ❤ if you have more questions, or want more details in certain things please be sure to let me know 🥰!! I always look forward to your asks/response, they're very interesting hehe.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend ❤ Take care 😊

[fakeikemen]

Katara's Grief

(This is my first attempt at a meta post and I know that this has probably been already done but I just needed to get it off my chest and go on a little rant and it kinda got long so bear with me.)

A lot of the hate on Katara stems from the fact that she keeps on mentioning her mother's death at every chance she gets and invalidates other people's pain to assert that her suffering is the worst of the lot.

And even though everybody is entitled to their own opinions, I'm gonna point out why I think the aforesaid claims are not exactly correct.

First we'll take a look at; Katara's Backstory:

We know that Kya is killed in a fire nation raid and that Katara had been the last person to see her alive before she leaves the tent on her mother's insistence. Only to come back a few moments later and find her dead body. This, in itself is a traumatising event.

So yes, her mother died. Other people in the story go through far worse. You're not wrong when you say that.

But what is more important in Katara's story is the aftermath of her mother's death.

As Sokka says while talking to Toph in "The Runaway" in B3 Ep7:

Sokka: When our mom died, that was the hardest time in my life. Our family was a mess, but Katara? She had so much strength. She stepped up and took on so much responsibility. She helped fill the void that was left by our mom.

As an eight year old, she had to force herself to grow up to step into her mother's shoes and raise herself and her elder brother and simultaneously look after the entire village after her father left to fight in the war. She had to do all of it by herself.

In face of all her responsibilities, she never really had the chance to simply be a grieving child lamenting the loss of her mother. She habituated herself to caring more about others than herself (We see this trait in the entire series as she acts as the stand-in mom friend for the entire Gaang with an exception of Suki and Zuko). She ended up bottling her feelings of grief, resentment, guilt and rage deep within herself.

She had to give up an extensive part of her childhood where most children focus on figuring themselves out, to become a mature and responsible person who was working as the immovable pillar holding up the family and even the whole village not much later.

She put up a strong front to help others and pretended to be fine even though she was hurting inside the whole time.

She could never find any closure from the situation. She never got over it.

Moving on to the criticisms:

1. Katara keeps on mentioning her mother like a broken record:

Here are the number of times Katara mentions her mother's death (not sure if that's all of it, lmk if there are any others):

1. In her first scene with Sokka

Katara: Ever since mom died, I've been doing all the work around camp while you've been off playing soldier!

2. A short while after she meets Aang

Katara: Well, I just want you to be prepared for what you might see. The Fire Nation is ruthless. They killed my mother, and they could have done the same to your people.

3. A short while after she meets Haru

Katara: I lost my mother in a Fire Nation raid. This necklace is all I have left of her.

4. A short while after she meets Jet

Katara: Sokka and I lost our mother to the Fire Nation.

5. In the swamp after she sees a vision of her mother

Katara: I thought I saw Mom.

6. In the Crystal Catacombs with Zuko

Katara: I don't? How dare you! You have no idea what this war has put me through! Me personally! The Fire Nation took my mother away from me.

7. A short while after she meets Hama

Katara: We completely understand. We lost our mother in a raid.

8. Repeated mentions in The Southern Raiders episode

(Most of the episode basically)

The first mention with Sokka is in the middle of a siblings' spat where she tells off Sokka for trying to act as if he were superior when it was obvious that in the face of the gaping hole that was left by Kya's sudden death, Katara had shouldered much more responsibility.

When she tells it to Aang, she uses it as a proof that the Fire Nation is capable of immense cruelty and destruction.

The Gaang travel all around the world and meet different people affected by the war in different ways. So when Haru, Jet and Hama narrate their own stories, Katara sympathises with them and talks about Kya's death in lieu of "I understand, the Fire Nation hurt me too."

After they got separated, Aang, Sokka and Katara each had their visions and after they get back together, they all mention their visions and so does Katara.

When left alone in catacombs with Zuko, whom she considered as the face of the Fire Nation— the same Fire Nation that had her mother killed and forced her father to leave to fight in the war, she has a meltdown where she rightfully accuses him of all the bad things he's done and then breaks down while talking about how the war has cost her i.e., by causing her mother's death.

The Southern Raiders is the episode where Katara hunts down the man responsible for her mother's death. If you think mentioning Kya repeatedly in this episode is uncalled for, then I don't know what to tell you.

In all the incidents mentioned above, Katara mentioning her mother's death is a very natural occurrence is the respective conversations. She mostly talks about Kya's death to either extend her sympathy or to use it as an example of the ruthlessness of the Fire Nation.

Another fact to be noted is that 70% of the Gaang's storyline is followed via Katara from a narrative point of view. Plus, being the mom-friend, she acts as the spokesperson. Considering that Kya's death is a major event that played a huge role in shaping Katara's life and is also the source of her severe, unresolved trauma, which acts as the driving force of her story, it is only natural that she brings up this topic whenever she is engaging in a deeper conversation.

It is us as the viewers who have seen her from the start and already know about her mother's death and we see her talking to multiple people about it. Which is why it might come across as repetitive to some people.

While, Kya's death is not necessary information that everyone needs to know, Katara talking about it never comes across as a forced or unnatural.

2. Katara invalidates others' pain because she thinks she has suffered the most:

First of all, if anything, Katara is the most empathetic person of them all. As the mom-friend of the group, not only is she their constant moral support, she also helps them untangle and sort out their own feelings. She is also able to tap into issues that aren't said out loud.

Instances of Katara helping and supporting Aang, emotionally are uncountable.

She is the first one to notice Sokka's sour mood in B3 Ep4 "Sokka's Master". And even though his insecurities seem baseless, she validates him (by saying "I'm sorry you're feeling so down" instead of something like "That's a dumb thing to say") and knows exactly what to do to cheer him up.

In B3 Ep7 "The Runaway" she has the insight to understand that Toph's unruly behaviour is caused by the mixed feelings she has about her parents even though Toph's herself never talked about it.

She even reaches out to Zuko in B2 Ep19 "Crossroads of Destiny" even though she used to think of him as the face of the enemy.

But then there's The Southern Raiders.

Ah yes, that episode where Katara is extremely OOC and a total b*tch.

Agreed that she said some things that she definitely shouldn't have said. But like, she's just 14?? And has been hurting on the inside since she was 8?? And pretended to be fine just for the sake of other people?? Like, there's a limit to how much she can have her shit under control?? And she did a real good job of Sokka's upbringing and taking care of the village and taking care of Gaang on her own?? Some people out there are really willing to forget everything she has ever done just because she was mean for 5 minutes?? A traumatised 14 yo shouldn't be villianised and called toxic because she got mad and lashed out at people that one time??

But here's my take on the scene anyway:

When Aang gets to know that she's going to go face her mother's killer:

Aang: Um ... and what exactly do you think this will accomplish?

Katara: I knew you wouldn't understand. 

Aang is a non-confrontational person who prefers running away from difficult situations as opposed to Katara who firmly stands her ground and is never afraid of confrontations. Katara had approached Aang only hoping that he would understand. But going by his dismissal, he obviously doesn't understand the burning need that she has to confront the man who had single-handedly destroyed her childhood. (Most people infer that what Katara means is that she thinks that Aang doesn't understand the pain of losing people. And so does Aang, I guess)

But things start getting even more tricky when:

Aang: Katara, you sound like Jet.

In all honesty, this is probably the most insensitive thing that she could've heard from anyone right then, let alone one of her closest friends. Hearing herself being compared to a homicidal maniac just because she wants to avenge her mother's killer. (No, I'm not justifying murder but there's a clear difference between homicide and avenging someone's death. And Aang may not be my favourite character but I do love him but this wasn't really a good thing to say either. And he wasn't even mentally distressed in the very least to be completely lacking tact or a filter.)

And then the situation escalates:

Sokka: Katara, she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right.

Katara: Then you didn't love her the way I did!

After 6 long years of Katara bottling in her dark feelings and letting them fester inside herself, she is finally letting them out and the first things she faces in a span of few minutes are outright rejection, invalidation of her feelings, comparison to a homicidal maniac and nothing akin to the unconditional support that she has provided to everybody. Her own brother tells her that he is siding with the boy who just compared her to a homicidal maniac.

Yes, accusing your own brother of not loving your mother enough is a very cruel thing to do. But both Sokka and Katara know that she doesn't entirely mean it.

But also, there is one very important factor in here:

In B3 Ep7 "The Runaway", Sokka says to Toph:

Sokka: I'm gonna tell you something crazy. I never told anyone this before, but honestly? I'm not sure I can remember what my mother looked like. It really seems like my whole life, Katara's been the one looking out for me. She's always been the one that's there. And now, when I try to remember my mom, Katara's is the only face I can picture. 

Katara overhears this conversation just as Sokka had meant her to.

This dialogue lets us know that Sokka's coping mechanism has made him suppress all memories of Kya and replace them with memories of Katara in order to attain a semblance of normalcy.

Both Katara and Sokka had very different ways of coping with Kya's death. Katara pressed down her feelings and tried her best to pretend to ignore them while Sokka partially succeeded in forgetting her.

When Katara first hears these words she is shown to be crying. But if she were to remember these very words while she was justifying herself infront of her own brother and a close friend for wanting to avenge her mother, it would've had a negative impact on her.

In her rage, she would've thought: "Of course he doesn't want to avenge mom. Because he doesn't think it's worth it and that's because he doesn't even remember enough of her to be mad about her death."

And for someone who has spent each day of the last 6 years trying to fill in the shoes of her mother and experiencing her absence everyday, the idea of forgetting her mother is a ridiculous concept to her.

Her thoughts would have quickly derailed to: "He didn't love her enough to remember her."

In light of these thoughts, saying "Then you didn't love her the way I did" doesn't feel out of the blue.

No, I am definitely not justifying what she said, I'm just laying out a possible explanation to why she said what she said.

Yes, she should've apologized to Sokka for this and I think that they definitely should've had a long conversation about their mother's death and how it affected them. Between Katara supressing her feelings and Sokka supressing his memories, i don't think they ever had this conversation.

But sadly we are given neither of these scenes.

Tl;dr: Everytime Katara mentions her mother, it's with good reason and I don't think it's fair to call a character toxic when they lack a mind to mouth filter for 5 minutes and say some mean things. And considering all that Katara has done for everybody, it isn't fair at all.

Peace out!

[zukkaoru]

Top 5 comfort characters? <3

only five?? okay well let's see here,,

(in no particular order)

1. thalia grace (riordanverse)

literally she is everything to me. i formed an unhealthy emotional attachment to her from the moment i met her at the end of sea of monsters and it has not gone away. my username on my personal instagram account was literally thalia.grace._ until partway through high school. when my friends and i were in middle school, we assigned each other fictional characters from the riordanverse that we would be and i was thalia because she was my favorite. i simply adore her. if i'm asked for my top fictional character of all time, i always default to her bc she's been everything to me since i was ten years old (wait i just realized that's literally half my life what the frick)

2. robin hood (once upon a time)

there's just something about characters who deserve so much more than what they're given that makes me attach myself to them. and there's something about the way that he looked past regina's flaws and her dark past and loved her anyways. the way he was selfless and kind and loyal. the way he poured himself out into everyone he ever loved so much that he might have lost who he was in the process. the way that he helped me through one of the roughest parts of my life from beyond the grave. literally he deserved so much better and if i think about it for too long i will scream and tear my hair out

3. cherry blossom / kaoru sakurayashiki (sk8 the infinity)

he's my baby my partner my father my mother my poor little meow meow-- no okay but seriously i love cherry too much for it to be healthy. i have never felt as much gender envy as i do whenever i see him. it's about hiding your emotions under false apathy bc you can't get hurt if you don't let anyone close enough to hurt you. it's about hardly ever letting anyone close enough to see the real you. it's about losing yourself in the personas you display for other people to the point where you don't even know who the real you is. why do i love so many characters with identity issues. but it's also about feeling the betrayal of the full swing kiss deep in my chest because yeah. i get it. i get putting your trust into someone who made you empty promises because you were young and naïve only for them to turn on you and say you aren't worth their time. it's about learning that closure comes in many forms and sometimes, you have to teach yourself to be okay with what you got. it's about finding the people who are willing to put in the work it takes to break your walls down and who aren't scared away by the defense mechanisms you've spent years perfecting. it's about slowly but surely allowing yourself to open up to love again. i just. i have a lot of feelings

4. zuko & mai (avatar: the last airbender)

they come together because they're besties. also bc i can't choose one over the other and i have one more character i need to do for 5. but anyways. it's about learning to love who you are despite being raised in a society that told you you could never be lovable unless you managed to conform to their impossible standards. it's about learning to stop trying to reach that love you can never win and instead living your truth. for zuko, it's about overcoming the cycle of hatred you've been taught and raised in. for mai, it's about needing to look like you don't care because you've been taught caring (or expressing any emotion, for that matter) is bad. and it's about finding the people who love you for who you are instead of who they think you could be.

5. simon saunders (rise)

oh boy. oh boy. you know when you start watching a tv show or reading a book or whatever, and for the first time in your life, you see a character who is just. you? yeah. that was me with simon. the religious guilt over your sexuality? struggling with what you believe vs what you want to believe? wanting to go after love but being terrified of your parents' reactions and God's reaction and not knowing whether or not you believe the love you want is sinful? yeah. yeah. simon was the first character i came into contact with who fully and entirely resonated with me, down to the bone, into my soul, so deeply it hurt. wherever he is now, i hope he's doing well