#I started this in AUGUST….. and now here I am at the last stretch

[angelmichelangelo]

going to try and work on my rise portal duo dino fic to have it hopefully done this weekend :] everyone gently bonk me on the head to ensure i don’t distract myself pls

[inmyheaddd]

golden - jameson hawthorne’s birthday

a/n: two posts in one day because it’s our husbands bday!!! lots of averyjameson just for u liv 🙈 wc: 1.3k taglist: @heartwithsimplenotes @thecircularlibrary @x-liv25-jamieswife @whatsamongus

@anintellectualintellectual @wish-i-were-heather @littlemissmentallyunstable masterlist

this year was jameson’s golden birthday, turning 22 years old on the 22nd of august.

avery wasn’t even sure if he even knew what a golden birthday was, but she decorated accordingly to it nonetheless.

for him, another birthday was a subtle reminder that nothing was permanent, and everything changes, no matter how much you don’t want it to. 

knowing this, his only plan for the next day as he went to sleep was to spend as much time with the people he truly loved. not some big event with hundreds of people coming, mostly just because of the hawthorne last name attached, like he had done years before. 

“jameson, wake up.” avery smiled as she nudged his shoulder, sitting on the edge of the bed. she had been up for 3 hours now, preparing everything. 

he didn’t wake up, so she resulted to peppering kisses on his face. 

as his eyelids fluttered open, avery pulled back and her smile grew.

jameson’s brows furrowed momentarily as he sat up, leaning against the headboard and stretching. 

he looked around the room, seeing golden glitter roses, balloons, and other decorations all around the room. his eyes found their way back to avery, who had a gentle smile on her face. 

“good morning, birthday boy.” avery whispered, and jameson leaned in to kiss her. 

as he pulled back, he couldn’t help but be mesmerized by the way their room looked.“heiress, how— why did you do all this?” 

she let out a small chuckle, “why wouldn’t i?” 

jameson had a million thoughts swarming though his head, half of them on how much he loved avery, the other half on how much he didn’t deserve her. 

he deflected his inner thoughts by leaning in so that his lips barely grazed avery’s, “well, do i get a birthday present?” 

“oh, you have no idea,” there was a hint of playfulness in her voice, she lingered for a moment, but then she pulled back, standing up and holding her hand out for jameson. 

“what? let’s go.” she said in a fake cheery voice, trying to not laugh at the way jameson’s jaw was slack. 

his lips turned up in amusement, before taking ahold of her hand with a sigh and letting her lead the way. 

his eyes were wide as he took in the whole place. she decorated the whole house, flower trails, food, she had even made a riddle game for him to solve. 

he quite literally stopped in his tracks, “heiress.” 

her head turned, “yeah?” 

he took a step forward, “do you know how inlove with you i am?” 

avery smiled, her head slightly tilting to the side as she hummed for a second, “hm, i have a pretty good idea.” 

they spent hours together, but it felt like mere minutes. 

jameson was now on top of avery, pressing lights kisses to her neck that left her laughing and squirming underneath him. her phone went off, again, and again, until it finally registered in her mind. 

“oh shit, it’s 4:30. we have to go!” she got up from the couch, then started scrambling for something in the drawers. 

jameson got up behind her quickly, “what’s going on?” he asked curiously, slightly breathless. 

after repeated mumbles of “where is it” and other swears, avery pulled a blindfold out. “here, wear this.” 

jameson grinned at her and chuckled, “isn’t this bedroom use only?” 

avery rolled her eyes jokingly, before reaching up to tie it on him herself.

“bossy, i like it.” he muttered, and when avery hit his shoulder in response, his grin only widened.  

“and here i thought getting older meant becoming more mature.” she murmured, slightly thankful jameson couldn’t see the flush on her face. 

somehow, he seemed to know anyway based on the way his tongue poked the inside of his cheek. 

“come on, let’s go.” avery dragged him outside to the car. 

5 minutes into the drive, jameson recognized the routes they were taking. 

“we’re going to the House.” he didn’t phrase it as a question. 

“yes, we are.” avery hadn’t expected otherwise, “just wait and see. patience is a virtue, jameson.” she remarked sarcastically.

“well, the thing is, avery. i can’t wait and see, can i? because my vision is currently obstructed by—“ 

“ugh, you’re impossible,” avery groaned, as she hit his shoulder once again. his nerves lit on fire as he felt her hand settle on his leg, a smile finding his face. 

there were lights all around the exterior of the hawthorne house, some rainbow, some white, some golden, and balloons everywhere. there was even a car out front with a large bow on it. 

the second avery and jameson came through the door, there was a chorus of “happy birthday!”s.

jameson laughed out loud as he took off his blindfold.

nash was holding his twins, cheering, and xander popped a party popper. max was there too, and she blew one of the party whistles with libby. avery moved to stand with them, clapping and cheering along with everyone with a smile never leaving her face.

grayson walked up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder, “happy birthday jameson.” there was a faint echo of the little kids they once were; grayson solemnly congratulating jameson, silently wishing him good luck before he met with their grandfather for his next project, and knowing he was next. 

jameson pulled him into a side hug, patting his back hard twice, “thankyou, gray.” they would never be those kids again, and jameson wasn’t sure too if he was happy or sad about that. 

3 hours later, too many drinks to count, and one very interesting group karaoke of taylor swifts “22” later, everyone had decided it was time to cut the cake. 

“you see, we’re the same age now, so i don’t have to listen to you anymore.” jameson yelled atop the music that was still blasting, 

“jameson, i’m still older than you.” grayson’s voice was more leveled.

“you’re 22, i’m 22. we’re equals, gray.”

“i turn 23 in 4 hours.” he deadpanned. 

“are you 23 though?” jameson questioned as he poked at his shoulder.  

xander was watching the interaction between them, surprisingly, silently, placing another snack in his mouth.

“jameson. i’m telling you again, go and cut your birthday cake, and put the glass down. people are waiting.” grayson took a step away from jameson’s

he couldn’t help but mess with his older brother longer. he wouldn’t take this singular day where they were the same age for granted, he never did. 

hes done this every single year, ever since he could remember.  

“everyone’s having fun!. i know you’re dying for the cake, but be patient, grayson, you’ll get your owncake soon enough. don’t worry!” grayson rose an eyebrow, and jameson continued. 

“i respect my elders, but you, my dear brother,” he pointed at grayson, “are not my elder. besides, you haven’t said please yet.” he said as took another sip of his champagne.

grayson took a deep inhale, pinching his nose bridge. 

before he had the chance to speak again, avery approached and jameson’s attention clearly diverted as she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“the twins want to try the cake, and nash just found the camera we were looking for! let’s go and cut it now, yeah?”

“oh, of course, heiress. let’s go.” he smiled down at her and took her hand. 

grayson stood there silently, almost in disbelief, and xander snorted.

avery’s brows furrowed as she looked between the three of them, jameson simply shrugged. “i don’t know what their problem is.” 

as they walked off, jameson turned around briefly to shoot grayson a grin. 

by the end of the night, they’d taken around 70 polaroids, used 4 different digital cameras, and xander tried (and failed) to use grayson’s camera.

jameson and avery were back home, curled up in bed. he kissed her forehead softly as she snuggled closer. “thankyou you for today,” he whispered.

“you don’t have to thank me.” 

“i do, though. i think…” he trailed off, trying to find the right words “maybe without realizing, all the birthday wishes i had made before were all about you.” he paused, “they all led me to you.”  

avery lifted her head to meet his eyes with a light laugh, “i never took you as the sappy type, but i kind of like it on you.”

jameson chuckled and turned his head to the side before turning back to her, “it’s a special occasion, don’t get used to it.” 

she let out a giggle before pressing a kiss to his lips, “happy birthday, jameson.” 

jameson smiled, his arm wrapped around avery’s waist as he pulled her closer. “with you here, it truly is,” he murmured.

[thelov3lybookworm]

Gone Through Enough (part 5)

Day 5: War

Summary: He's got more important things to care about. The war can wait.

•○●⛦●○•

Word Count: 1443

A/n: HEHE the last partt 🥹🤭

@erisweekofficial

✨ENJOYYY✨

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

I am not leaving, Eris. Not again.

In the confines of his own room, Eris sat, sipping on his morning tea as he stared at the reports spread out on his desk. A couple of lords had stopped responding to the court summons, and it was beginning to seem like a war was going to take place soon. He was not fazed, as Eris had expected it.

But he could not focus. His mind kept going back to the words she had said a week ago on that hill, the desperation with which she had uttered those syllables that refused to leave his mind, that made him giggle like a schoolgirl at night when he was by himself.

Not leaving. Not again.

The morning after he had claimed those powers, Eris had gotten up early. Earlier than he usually did, which was as soon as the sun rose.

He had hurried to look presentable, and then walked to the stables, dreading the moment he would have to wave at her again, watching her leave again. But the stables had been empty, save for a stable boy, who was half asleep as he brushed down one of the horses.

As soon as he saw Eris, he had perked up straight, stuttering his way through a greeting as he faced the newly appointed high lord. Eris had ignored his nervousness and simply asked him whether the Augusts had left.

To which the boy replied that they had decided to stay a little longer for reasons the boy did not know.

Eris had sighed, then nodded, tossing a gold coin to the little boy before stalking back to his room.

It had been a week now, and he still did not know the reason they decided to stay, but Eris was not complaining.

But he was complaining about the fact that Y/n had begun ignoring him completely.

Every time at dinner, she was either not present or she sat by herself, aloof and avoiding eye contact with Eris. Eris could do nothing, considering he was too busy trying to figure out whether the rebellion that had started soon after his ascension to the throne was harmless or required to be put down.

It was led by the people who had supported Beron and his twisted ideals. No surprise there, as the moment Eris could, he had outlawed any and all immoral things that had been legal.

For example, he had made it mandatory for all slaves to be released, and it had been the straw that broke the camel’s back as the next morning, news had reached him that soldiers were seen gathering on the outskirts of town, their capes and armors bearing the insignias of powerful houses.

Not all of them though. There were still lords who would rather lose their slaves they had paid for and still be in power than go against the high lord.

Less than a dozen lord’s had turned on him, and it would not have bothered Eris in the least before. But now he had to earn the court’s favour, and he had to be strategic in his moves, of all he had fought for would be down the drain.

Well, isn’t this pleasant.

Eris sighed, pushing away from his chair and stretching. He was just drinking some water straight out of the jug, the water cold as it travelled down his parched throat, when George knocked on the door and barged in.

People knock to get permission, but sure, prance in.

Eris set the water down, then turned to the patriarch of Augusts, his eyebrows raised in question.

The male just scowled for a moment, then opened his mouth.

"When are you going to tell my daughter you love her?"

Eris choked on air, then stared at Y/n’s father.

"What?"

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, don’t play coy with me. You and I both know that you love her. I have stalled enough, trying to give you time to man up and just tell her, but I can no longer stay, for matters concerning my estate have begun rising."

Eris stared at George, the man he had watched while growing up, the one who had been so protective of his daughter, standing here and voluntarily telling Eris to court.

George waited, but when Eris remained frozen, he stepped forward. "Look, son. I have watched you grow up, I know you are a nice male. And in my centuries of existence, I have found that the way you care for my daughter and the way she cares for you. You are the only one I would trust blindly to love her the way she deserves to be."

He sighed, squeezing Eris’s shoulder. "Just… don’t take too much time. We’re leaving tomorrow, and if by tomorrow she has not told me she wants to stay, I will have no option but to take her with me."

With another squeeze, George departed, leaving Eris standing there, gazing at nothing in shock, in only the company of his rapidly beating heart and the glow from the setting sun.

He knew what to do.

Wars be damned, he had more important things to care about.

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

Y/n’s pov.

Y/n was lounging in one of the smaller libraries, trailing her fingers over the beautiful spines, when the door opened and in stepped a maid, bearing a letter from her father.

The past few days, she had been too shy for her own good. After she had spewed those bold words a week ago, all her confidence had evaporated, leaving her a nervous wreck.

He surely thought her a fool for her brave words. Maybe even a liar, for she HAD left him alone after all.

She hoped he would leave her alone if she ignored him for long enough, but it ate her from the inside out. And of course, he did leave her be. But she knew it was because of the beginnings of the rebellion taking up all his time, and not for the lack of trying on his part.

He had tried to talk to her, she would find him staring at her at times too, but she would always leave before he had the chance to do anything.

Now she wished she hadn’t, for the contents of the letter had her reeling.

We’re leaving tomorrow.

She read that line and dropped the half read letter.

She had to meet him. She had to tell him she loved him.

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

Eris’s pov.

He had been searching for her for almost an hour now, and yet half the palace was left unsearched, it was that big.

Now as he turned to run through another hallway, he cursed his royal bloodline of ancestors for building the too big castle.

Could they not have resided in a darned hut?

Just as the thought occurred to him, he studded to a stop, panting as he took in the female in front of him. Her chest heaved, tear tracks on her cheeks.

She looked as dishevelled as he felt.

"You…. look good."

She stared at him, incredulous even as she struggled to breathe.

"You.. too."

It sounded more like a question.

He moved to step forward, breathing in the faint scent of her.

She was on him before he could take more than one step closer.

He refused to move except for wrapping his arms around her, sighing onto the skin he buried his face in.

She pulled back, too soon for Eris’s liking, but the way her face was flushed made every thought fly out of his head.

She’s so pretty.

"I’m sorry-"

"Don’t go-"

She met his eyes, blinking oh-so-innocently up at him.

"Looks like I will be staying."

It was Eris’s turn to stare now. He hadn’t expected her to agree so easily.

His surprise must have shown, because she grinned.

You need to stop being so easily readable Eris. It’s been ONE week since he died.

She leaned onto her toes while he wasn’t paying attention, too busy chastising himself over his lack of controlling his emotions, and pressed a tiny kiss to his cheek.

It left him stunned, and he gazed at her, his mind reeling too much to direct him on what to do anymore.

She giggled, hand over her mouth.

Giggled.

Giggled as she turned and walked away after whispering the words that had the power to shake Eris’s whole world.

"I don’t reckon you can court me when I’m miles away, no?"

Eris nodded, dumbly.

Well, looks like the war might have to wait.

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

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[sakarrie-creates]

Here’s my 2024 Art Summary, terribly late as usual! We’re back to including some black and white in this year and my months were very clustered, but all things considered I was actually surprised I ended up with as many decent samples for the collage as I did. I was kinda expecting them all to be messy sketches this year lol.

Just like with my writing summary, this year the questions are a bit abridged since I didn’t do a ton of art. That said, I’m still a rambler haha, so the reflection questions are answered up the cut. The template I used is available here in case anyone else wants to use it!

What events did you participate in (with art)?Player Appreciation Week (old art), Fandom Trumps Hate (offered), CS Case Files Zine (comic!). Not really the type of art this summary is for, but I also created my first cosplay for RCCC!

What was your biggest challenge this year? Definitely motivation. Last year was a creative slump with a lot going on mentally making stuff hard. Mostly in start up energy, since once I got going, things seemed to go alright.

Did you try anything new this year? I got into a comic zine, which was new and exciting! My original plan was far too long for the creation period, though, so I spent a ton of time trying to widdle it down to 3 pages. I also did super messy spot art sketches for a friend’s fic, which ended up being a lot of fun! I also took some screenshots and then drew other characters into the show, somewhat trying to match the show’s style, which was definitely interesting.

Where do you think you most improved? I’m going to go with rendering again! I really love playing with color and lighting, and several of my collage pieces this year were just adding rendering to old pieces. I have a lot more confidence with it now, though I still sometimes feel like my pieces don’t end up as dynamic as I’d like. I also did a lot better at following inspiration and not being as perfectionistic this year.

What are you most proud of? I’m really proud of getting into a comic zine, even though it likely wasn’t that competitive. The fact that I got in for comics despite never having done art for a zine before is crazy to me! I was a pinch hitter, so I wasn’t originally selected, but I’m still honored I got picked eventually. I also am really proud of the August fully rendered piece of Player screaming. I did that one in almost one sitting, probably around 4ish hours, and it was one of my first times doing full color/rendering without cleaning the sketch much at all. Overall, I was very excited at how well it turned out and I feel like the messy emotions really come across!

How’d this year compare to your 2023 goals?Shoutout to past Sakarrie for giving me a straight bullet point list. MUCH easier to work with lol.

2024 Goals Met:  -Number One Priority: Create for me and don’t put myself in a place to get crazy burnt out and still have requirements. If I meet this goal, then it’s okay if I don’t meet any of the others. (It would be sad.... But I would still count it as meeting overall goals.) -Participate in Summergen and PAW Week (Art or Fic) -Have a fully usable Zine Portfolio (Currently need more merch samples and rendered pieces with backgrounds) -Apply to new TOH Zines or other loved fandom zines. If I end up getting into any, I can pull back, but since that doesn’t seem likely, I want to get into the habit of always being ready to apply with what I have. -Play with different brushes and rendering styles -Not exactly art, but I want to have a finalized long-term merch display plan for all my items -Do ONE of the following:     1. 30 minutes digitized so it can be shared with music       2. Open Up Your Eyes fully thumbnail       3. Fanworks for other people’s fics      4. Participate in an extra bang or exchange with art      5. Design and manufacture a pin

The ones that don’t have strikethrough are a bit of a stretch, but I’m gonna give them to myself. While I haven’t added more pieces with backgrounds and need to reorganize my zine portfolio, it is in a decent place where I feel like I can use it and it will accurately represent my best work. I also didn’t really purposefully experiment with rendering or brushes, but it did happen naturally a little, so giving that to myself too. As for the ONE of the following list, I actually did digitize my 30 minutes thumbnails! It’s just not to music, so doesn’t count. Also holy dang, last year Sakarrie was ambitious with the proposal of manufacturing a pin haha.

2024 Goals NOT Met:-Design Handplates charm as anniversary gift (November) -Design CS Charm-Make an ongoing project list to pin to my tumblr. This applies mostly for fics, but that way people coming to my page can see what fandoms I’m actively creating for and what they can look forward to (as well as have an opening to ask questions if they’re interested). -Post more (at least 10 times throughout the year) and add my best pieces to instagram (8+ pieces by end of year). -Draw something from scratch every month, no matter how small

Yeah, these all I absolutely failed with. Oops. Probably gonna be using a fair few of these as my new goals haha.

Alrighty then, now it’s time for 2024 goals!! I think I want my main focus to be to try to draw more frequently. I’ve found that so much of what prevents me from drawing is startup energy, and once I actually get going, it all comes much easier. 

Specific goals: -Organize a go-to zine portfolio for comics, merch, page art, and spot art applications -Try to draw every month (even the tiniest phone doodle counts) -Design Handplates charm as anniversary gift (November?) -Design CS Charm-Make an ongoing project list to pin to my tumblr. This applies mostly for fics, but that way people coming to my page can see what fandoms I’m actively creating for and what they can look forward to (as well as have an opening to ask questions if they’re interested). -Post more (at least 5 times throughout the year) and maybe look into Cara or whatever the non-instagram art app is. -Experiment more with drawing in sketchy art style with full color/rendering -Experiment more with screenshot redraw/character replacements -Do ONE of the following:     1. 30 minutes put to music      2. Open Up Your Eyes fully thumbnail      3. Fanworks for other people’s fics       4. Participate in an event with art       5. Draw and post for a new/niche fandom (Infinity Train, Sym-Biotic Titan, Irondad, The Flash, etc)

Overall, how’d the year go? Better than I expected when I first started pulling up my art haha. I didn’t push myself on anything but the CS comic, and that was pretty early on in the year. I also did a fair few doodle/sketch projects and followed the muse when it wanted to do rendering without drawing.

[serickswrites]

Lonely Place of Longing XIII

Master list here (includes chapter links, summary, and character bio)

Warnings: captivity, restraints, extortion, mention of death, self sacrifice

Dylan didn’t think the team was ready to face Owen. He wasn’t going to be able to keep a team so weak alive against an enemy so strong. Why now? Why throw all these lives away? What does it accomplish? We are walking into certain death. This is a waste of time.

He couldn’t keep doing this. There had to be an end. This wasn’t the way to end it. He didn’t care if his life ended, but he couldn’t let his team, let Halle, die. He just wanted to be free. Just free for an hour, one more time before he faced Owen. Maybe that’s the point. They know I was out last week. They know I’ve had my taste of freedom and they have to put an end to me.

No. They will never let me go. I am too perfect a tool to destroy. I am doomed to this existence. But I am alive. And I felt alive when I was with Halle.

Halle can’t come on this mission. I can’t keep everyone safe, especially Halle, and fight Owen. I won’t win. I can’t lose Halle. Even though she hates me. I have to get her to freedom. To safety. As he slowly made his way back to his quarters accompanied by three teammates that were not exactly overjoyed to be ordered to do so, Dylan realized that there was no way this mission would be successful. I will get out of this. But the rest of them? This is a fool’s errand. I will not lead them like lambs to the slaughter.

Dylan turned on his heel.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” August asked angrily as they started after Dylan.

To the one person who may listen to me. Or condemn us all. “I have another meeting to get to.”

“Like fuck you do.”

But Dylan didn’t stop. He hurried through Tectus until he was just outside the office door of the one person who may be able to put a stop to all of this. He knocked.

“Enter,” Samuel’s stern voice came.

Dylan opened the door and stepped inside, shutting it softly behind him. “Samuel,” he said as he inclined his head before sitting down across from Samuel.

“You have some nerve coming here,” Samuel’s voice was quiet. He only got that way when he was angry. Or wanted something.

“This is a suicide mission, Samuel, I think you know that.” I want out of this dumpster fire of a mission. Of a life. Put a stop to this.

“What of it? You are more than capable of killing Owen.” Samuel’s cold grey eyes watched Dylan. Watched for any reaction.

“I’ve been capable of killing him for many years. Why go after him now?” Why do any of this now? What do you want?

Samuel smiled, though the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “You always were a clever one, weren’t you, Dylan Merrick.”

“That’s not my name anymore. It hasn’t been since I came here. It’s just Dylan now.”

“Is it, though? How do I know you aren’t trying to stop this mission just so that Owen can escape back to your home. To rally what survivors remain of your long forgotten home and rescue you.”

Ah. That’s what you want. You want me to profess my loyalty to Patricanus. To Scutus. To you. “There is nothing to return to. And I have no love for Owen just as he has no love for me.” No, I had to let go of that long ago. Let go of the person I grew up with swimming in the sea. Eating fresh caught fish on the dock. Watching the stars stretch in an endless sky. Owen is no longer my countryman just as I am no longer his.

Samuel smirked. “Of course there’s nothing left. Your land was destroyed and you were brought here. Who knows, perhaps you and Owen are all that is left of your Godforsaken land.”

It would appear so. What does it matter? I can’t return. “I want something for this mission. If you give it me, I will make sure that every single team member returns in one piece.”

Samuel smiled wide, all his yellow-stained teeth showing. “There’s the Dylan I remember from all those years ago. What do you want?”

“Free me.”

Samuel’s smile faltered. “What?”

“Free me. Make this my last mission. Free me of these cuffs.” Dylan shook his wrists so the silver cuffs glinted in the lamplight. “Let me go and I will ensure this is a success and you won’t lose any team members.” Let me go. After Owen is captured, returned back, cuffed and muzzled, you will have the weapon you need. One you can keep on a leash. And you won’t need me.

“Alpha Team will have a change in structure. They may lose their quarters without you.”

“Convert my space into a full med bay. They’re big enough to need two as it is.”

“And what of Halle?”

“What of her?” Please do the one thing I really want you to do. Fire her. Send her as far away from here as possible. She will be safe. She will be free. She will remain soft, tender. She will forever hate me, but she will be safe. I love her. Free her.

“The only reason we hired her was specifically to care for you. If you are no longer here, we have no need of her.”

Exactly. That is exactly what I wanted to hear. “Then reassign her. Better yet, fire her. You let her go into the field, but she doesn’t do anything except wait. Free me and you don’t need her. Send her home.”

Samuel considered a moment. “I will free you.” Dylan breathed a sigh of relief. He knew his face did not betray any of the feelings he had. “I will free you if, and only if, you bring me Owen’s head on a silver platter.”

Of course. Doing so will break me completely. I am a monster you created. You want to be sure I remain monstrous. I am a miserable, wretched creature who does evil things. One last evil act. One more black mark on my already jet black soul. But Halle will be free. Halle will be safe. Anything for her. “I would expect no less.”

“Then we have a deal.”

I will walk into the fire for you, Halle. I will walk through fire to get you out of the fire. You hate me. You will always hate me. But you will be alive. You will be safe. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Tags: @beomsstudio @mousepaw @keeper-of-all-the-random-things @eyehartart @corbytheking

@seysposts @cosmic-butterflys @wormjerky @godnessofmagic

@daddyslittlestgirlll

@thatlittlefirestarter @defire @jthecalmone @shook-skull @sagencrafts

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@dragonkales @kitarajy-kari @carosbee @celestialsoyeon @knightinbatteredarmor

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@anightmarishwhump @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @st0rmm @ay5ksal

[the-s1lly-corner]

Shut In (Eyeless Jack x reader oneshot!)

Basic plot: its really cold outside, and you urge Jack to stay in your home with you... he decides to stay despite knowing full well that he will be fine out in the freezing temperatures. You both decide to do things to pass the time and stay warm! Turns out Jack can make a mean cup of hot coco, too

Extra notes: I dont usually write fanfics, and the last one I've written was a personal one from late August... so to say I'm rusty and underexperienced is an understatement! I feel this one ended up a little.. weirdly paced imo but I think I'm still happy with the end result! Dialogue I feel I could have done better on but I'm going to be nice to myself since I mostly write hc posts so this is way out of my comfort zone.. Drafted on Tumblr then sent through google docs to pick up on some mistakes I missed, briefly reread no proper proof reading imo... lets hope this isnt a train wreck + it copied back to tumblr okay!! LMAO

Brief joke about pregnancy/making a pregnancy but its like one small snippet but I know that can make people uncomfortable + implies at least one of the characters is AFAB

Word Count: 2915

Extra Admin's note: I want to say again that I am so so happy about this blog hitting 1k followers, when I first started this blog I was originally going to use it to burn time and have something to do on the side, as well as having a place to put out my cringe ideas and hcs. I never thought this many people would be interested in my dumb thoughts, but here we are! I intend to keep writing this year, and perhaps even make more non-celebratory one shots this year? Maybe? I don't know I guess we'll see the reception on this fic!

It was the middle of the night, around the middle of January. Your boyfriend and you were holed up inside your apartment, you having locked the man up with you after seeing that it was below freezing out, as well as raining. You had to practically beg your boyfriend to stay with you for the night.

Your boyfriend, who also just so happened to be a man eating demon with tar dripping out of his hollowed out eye sockets. Your boyfriend, who was currently sitting still and staring forward, the only sound in the apartment coming from the dripping of your faucet. You had asked him to come visit you, it'd been a while... and he would never ever let you go to his cabin when it's this cold out. So here you both were now.

You pat the palms of your hands on your knees, sucking in one of your cheeks and working the flesh through your jaws for a moment. You were both technically stuck in the apartment now; you didn't want Jack to go out and risk getting sick, and Jack more than likely wouldn't want you to step out for the same reasons. So, you were both confined to what you already had within the space. You were about to open your mouth to speak but Jack broke the silence first. "You're shivering, do you want me to get some blankets?", blunt and almost robotic. He was never that expressive. "Or would you like to go to your room?" He added after a brief pause, his fangs poking just over his lip before he readjusted his mouth. You were both in the living room, sitting together on the couch; the front door to your left and a view of the kitchen to the right. You thought for a minute as your eyes lingered on the kitchen for a moment. You'd already eaten, before your partner arrived... but..

"That's fine, I'm probably going to make some hot coco," You pulled yourself up, stretching up. "Powdered stuff ooor..?" Jack mimicked you. You only shook your head, earning a disapproving look from him. "What?" You questioned, but he only dismissed you. "Why don't you get some blankets, I'll handle it," and he turned on his heel to make his way to the kitchen. "Maybe put on a movie, too, your choice." He added as his voice carried off. "Are you saying I can't cook?" You called back, following after him. No answer as he tugged out a pot. "I'll have you know-" you started once more

"Do you have half and half?" He was already opening your pantry to grab things.

"No, I don't,"

"Heavy cream? Whipping cream? Whatever it's called..." He mumbled as he placed various ingredients on the counter. Cocoa powder, vanilla, salt and sugar. You only nodded, and as he was about to begin working he paused. "Do you want anything else in it? Cinnamon? Nutmeg?" He paused and through gritted teeth, "Coffee?"

It was almost midnight, of course he would be opposed to you having caffeine so late.

"Cinnamon is fine," You watched him get to work. He measured everything out; even mixing the heavy cream with some milk to make a substitute for half and half.... was that really all it was? You weren't sure what you expected it to be, if it weren't..

He pulled his head up and stared at you. It was then that you noticed he had actually taken his mask off and set it at the end of the counter and out of the way. The black ooze dripping from his eyes was slow and posed little threat to dripping into your drink. He had a fistful of napkins on standby to dap his face dry should the flow quicken. "Aren't you going to get the blankets?"

You pat your hands on your thighs, pausing... watching him. His body had a warm glow on him from the old light bulb in the ceiling; it flickered every now and then. Under the yellowed light he almost looked healthy and alive, though there was no glint where his eyes should have been. His sharp nail tapping on the counter brought you back to the moment, blinking a few times. "Yeah.." you mumbled, defeated at the chance of making a drink for yourself stolen from you. But was that so bad?

You backed out of the kitchen, dragging your feet across the floor. Your apartment was.. a little on the smaller side so within a few steps you were in front of your bedroom door. You didn't really pay much attention to your surroundings as you shuffled through the blankets on the bed.. eventually you settled on just grabbing an arm full and waddling back to the living room, dumping everything you had grabbed onto the couch.

The house smelled of cinnamon and chocolate.. with a hint of vanilla.

Turning your gaze to the tv, your eyes scanned across the DVDs you had stacked messily. Nothing sounded good. "Is there anything you want specifically?" You called out as you settled yourself down criss cross in front of the tv and pulling all the cases onto the floor next to you. "Movie wise," You added as you pulled the first case into your hands. The DVD collection for Child's Play.. you had gotten it a few weeks ago, finding it on sale at your local store. You still hadn't popped it in to watch..

"I have.. Chucky, uhm..." You shuffled for the next case. "All the movies by the way.. I have that and.. most of the Friday the 13th movies," You called out. No answer, the only sound coming from the kitchen was the noise of a whisk gently being stirred. "I don't have Jason goes to hell... But!" You pulled out a third case with the Nightmare on Elm Street DVDs. "I DO have Freddy vs Jason," You mumbled and spread the three disks on the floor in front of you. Most of the disks you had, you noticed, were mostly older slasher movies. Still, Jack hadn't answered you. You pull yourself to your feet and trudge back into the kitchen. His back was to you, too preoccupied with the stove... He hadn't noticed you, not yet. An idea blossomed in your head, a smirk pulling itself across your lips. You steeled yourself, trying to force yourself to stop shivering.. Jack was always paying attention to his surroundings, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

You take a step forward and he still doesn't notice your approach.

Another step.

And another.

Jack wasn't the tallest, in fact if you wanted to you could rest your chin on his shoulder... and that's what you ended up doing, while wrapping your arms around his thick waist. You could feel his body seize up just a little bit against you, before relaxing. "You didn't answer, what sounds good?" You pulled your eyes down to look at the pot. Your drink was nearly finished. You view rocked as your boyfriend shrugged, still silent but the twitching of his pointed ears let you know he was listening.

"Anything's fine," Another shrug as he cuts the heat. "You're the one cooking for me, you get to pick the movie," You insisted. He paused mid-whisk, letting out a soft huff. Suddenly he spun around, his face just a few inches from yours. In the dimmed light his eye sockets seemed deeper, it's black ooze lazily dripping down his cheeks. You noticed the smudges on his face, from wiping the streaks. You briefly wondered what it was like to sleep with them, but your thoughts were cut short as he pulled a blackened and clawed hand to your hair; tucking a lock behind your ear. "How does...." He paused, sucking in his teeth. He looked almost embarrassed. "Bride of Chucky sound?"

"What? Want to study the characters again so we can dress up again this year for Halloween?" You tease. You had convinced him a few months ago to dress up with you. With him as Chucky, and you as Tiffany... It had taken some begging and convincing but you ultimately got him to agree. Although you didn't go out to get candy, you were both fine with staying inside watching movies together in costume. It was also that night you got him to watch the movies..

His ears darkened, before he scoffed. "No... actually this year I was thinking of..." He took a long pause, visibly scraping his brain for names of characters, before seemingly giving up. "Look I don't watch many movies I don't know any.. characters.." He grimaced, before gently pushing you off of him so he could turn his attention back to the hot cocoa. "We've still got nine months, more than enough time to come up with something..." You shrugged, then smirked. "Not enough time to make a Glen... or Glenda," You teased before turning on your heel. You held back a snicker as you heard Jack splutter, finally processing what you had just said to him.

"W-"

"I'm gonna go ahead and put in the disc, I'll leave it paused for you," You cut him off, still grinning to yourself as you kneeled down to do as you had said.

Soon enough Jack walked into the room with a mug, as well as a platter of cookies. "You didn't have to," You mumbled as you eyed the treats, but he only waved you off as he placed the plate and mug onto the coffee table. "You don't have to eat them, but I figured you might want a snack while watching the movie," He mumbled. You took the mug, and swirled the drink inside of it. "I hope I didn't put in too much cinnamon," Jack added as he watched you. He leaned over and started the movie.

You took a sip, smiling a little as the warmness crept in. "You did good, probably the best hot cocoa I've ever had." You offered a grin to him. "That has got to be the fakest compliment I've ever heard," Jack shot back, though you could see the corners of his mouth turning up just slightly. "Oh, I'm sorry! I believe this is the most decadent and satisfying beverage I've had ever been graced with in my life, and-" You began, only for Jack to hush you. "I'd rather you throw it on me, don't... say words like that again," He grumbled as readjusted himself into the couch. You took a sip and shrugged, "It's just absolutely immaculate," and he lightly smacked you on the arm. "I'm never making anything for you again," He snorted, before turning his attention to the movie.

You weren't going to lie, you felt a little bad treating yourself to the cookies, knowing Jack was unable to eat them without upsetting his stomach. Being a man-eating monster must really be hard. You purse your lips, and shoot a look at him from the corner of your eye. He must have been doing the same, because he turned his head to look at you. "Do you want to do something else?" He asked lightly, his grin from a few minutes ago already faded. "Do you ever miss eating.. food?" You asked before you could stop yourself. He didn't bother pausing the movie, instead he just fell silent and stared down, into the space between the two of you on the couch.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up, I know it's a touchy subject for you," You mumbled and put the mug on the table. You sucked in the air between your teeth, flicking your eyes up to the movie, before bringing them back down to your lap. It stayed like that for a minute before Jack broke the silence. "I mean... yeah, I do. But at least I don't have to eat every day like you do, means I can have more time to do what I want," He said. Clearly, he was still bothered, tip-toeing around the big.. thing about him. The air was still tense and thick, all of the previous joking gone now. It was nearly unbearable. Nearly.

"You know," Jack began after a few more seconds of silence when you didn't reply. "I've never tried cinnamon in hot cocoa, I didn't know that was a thing people did," He was changing the subject. "You haven't?" You asked, raising a brow. He eyed your mug, but you both knew there was no way he was going to take a sip.

"It's really good," You mumbled, and took the drink, "The combo, I mean," You added. He hummed, patting his knees lightly. You swirled the drink again, watching the... what was it called? Those lighter swirls in the drink.. Did that have a name?

"You've had hot cocoa before, right?" You asked. He hummed again, nodding his head. "Well.. the cinnamon makes it warm. Taste wise.. It makes it.." You took a sip and thought for a minute. "Richer, I guess? It's hard to explain," You muttered, then looked back at him. You tore your eyes back down when you saw he was looking right at you, totally hooked onto your words. "I hear nutmeg goes good in it, too.. but I've only tried nutmeg and chocolate together in baked goods," You shrugged. "You did really good with this, you know... not too much cinnamon.. not spicy, at least." You smiled. He nodded, before turning back to the movie.

"Woody, I hear people describe cinnamon like that," He leaned back into the couch, a dull pop came from his back.

"Woody," You repeated, then took a large sip of the hot cocoa. You put the mug down onto the table, and leaned into your boyfriend as the warmth crept and settled into your bones. You weren't even paying attention to the movie, your mind was now occupied with how tired you were. Your eyes slipped up to the clock on the wall, It was nearly one in the morning. Had it only been an hour since Jack walked himself into the kitchen?

You lean deeper into Jack, not caring about his body's natural chill. His clothing still smelled a little like the cocoa from earlier.. "Gotta invest in some cologne, you smell nice like this," You mumbled into his arm. "The cinnamon?" He asked, not looking down at you. "No.. the cocoa, I mean cinnamon would be a nice touch... but you don't seem like a sweet smelling guy, do you?" You muttered. "Are you already getting tired?" Jack asked, and he leaned over you to grab the remote, pausing the movie. You muttered, the heat of the hot cocoa doing way more than you expected on the tiredness you didn't notice you had. "A little," You shrugged, "But we can still try to finish the movie," You offered, but he shook his head. Of course he would, as much of a hard ass or party pooper he came off as, he was going to make sure you were going to get your rest.

You put your hand in his, the one that had the remote.. you unpaused the movie. He paused it, and you unpaused it again. It kind of kept up like this before Jack conceited and kept it playing, although he did lower the volume.. The subtitles were already on, though. "I win," You smirked up at him, before crawling into his lap. You placed your head on his chest, pausing when you felt him stiffen before relaxing against you. His heart beat for a moment before settling to its barely there rhythm. For a minute you thought about asking about his heart, as far as you knew he explained himself like he was becoming a walking corpse... how does that work?

You decided against it, you already asked about him earlier.. and besides, your mind was already beginning to blank as Jack reached to the side of the couch, and turned the lamp off.. It was dark now. It was still raining, you could more clearly hear the drops outside now that the movie was turned down. Plus, Jack was running his fingers through your hair, lightly massaging your scalp. It wouldn't be long until you finally gave in and fell asleep.

"Are you going to still be here in the morning?" You asked, melting into his chest as he hummed in response. "Plan on it, I still need to clean up the kitchen," He added as he curled your hair around his hand. "It'll still be cold in the morning," He added, "I need to make sure you bundle up before you go out for work," He added. "I'm not that dumb," You muttered and lightly slapped his arm. You swear, if he still had his eyes he would have rolled them.

"How do you see? I know you're not.. a normal person, but," You blurted out, lifting your head. He pushed your face back down, shushing you. "Sleep," He ordered, before loosening his hold on you a bit so you could get comfortable. It wasn't an order but it may as well have been with how your body started to loosen into him within the next few minutes, quickly snuffling out your curiosity and questions.

He'd still be here in the morning, you could pester him then. After all, it's what he signed up for when the two of you started to date one another..

[tsaiko]

So the infamous letter that someone wrote their friend who was in the hospital with memory issues is making its way around Tumblr again. Which reminded me of a story idea I had where my version of Black from Swapfell wound up in the hospital and someone wrote a letter like it for him

Then I had the idea that Blue wrote the letter, and I couldn't stop writing until I had this. Enjoy.

***

READ THIS

Hi Sans! You’ve lost your short-term memory. This paper will update you on your condition, as your memory right now only lasts about five minutes, and you are asking the same questions again and again.

Where am I? You are in the ICU at Mt. Ebbott Memorial Hospital. Yes, this is the hospital with the good coffee. I made sure you didn’t go to “that pisshole hospital where the coffee is shit.”

What is today/How long have I been here? Today is August 4th, 20XX. You’ve been in the hospital since Aug. 1st. We were walking back from the grocery store, crossed the street, and someone ran a red right. You got hit trying to make sure I didn’t get hit. I would have been fine! I have high enough HP and had some armor on under my sweater.

What is wrong with me? The doctors think that the impact jarred the mana connections in your skull. You also have a broken arm, three broken ribs, a dislocated hip, and a bruised soul. Healing magic stabilize all the broken bones, but your mana lines and your soul have to heal on their own. The biggest issue right now is your sort term memory loss and confusion. You can talk and you recognize everyone, but you keep asking the same questions again and again. The doctors are hopeful that the memory issue and confusion are temporary and will resolve as your mana connections reform. However, there is a chance this could be permanent.

What am I going to do if my memory stays like this? We will support you. Slim will will still be there for you. I will still be there for you. We can get through this. Red has already asked if we can start a poker night and make sure you are invited five times. The joke is getting old.

Where is my brother? Slim is usually here. Sometimes he leaves to take care of your fish or shower or sleep, but he always comes back! He is doing fine. Stretch and Edge are making sure of it

Are we on the surface? Yes! You seem very confused about this. You and Slim went through a portal and are on the surface. You are not back Underground. No one is trying to deceive you or hurt you. Please stop threatening the doctors.

Did you put the groceries up? Unfortunately, most of the groceries got damaged by the car or lost in the excitement. Do not worry! I’ll replace them. You don’t owe me anything because they got messed up because you were trying to protect me.

I’m thirsty. There is water on the bedside table. No, you cannot have a beer.

Why is that bunny monster so familiar? That’s Jessica. She’s your nurse. She refuses to be intimidated by you. You keep calling her Captain and then being confused about it.

Do you think we could get this tile installed in our bathroom? You really seem to like this tile. You’ve asked about it so many times. No one knows what brand it is. But maybe we can go look when you feel better!

[dear-reader-diary-persons]

Manacled by SenLinYu - Let's offload. 21/09/2023

Before I continue, please note I am just using this as my place for me to spew my thoughts and basically have verbal offload on what the last 3 days of binge reading 77 chapters, over 350,000 words has been like.

I did not think at the ripe old age of 31 that I would fall back into the fan fictions of the wizarding world with the Dramione ships. But here I am.

Safe to say I have not read a Dramione fic or a Harry Potter fiction at that for well over 10 years now. But the people of TikTok got to me.. I saw this fic being plastered all over my FYP with book binding videos, and it was always THIS fic. After what seemed like the 10th video, I thought I might as well stumble over to AO3 and see what the general summary of this was.

Now this fic is not even a recent one. It was written (beautifully I might add) back in April 2018 and completed in August 2019, but still people in 2023 were still talking about it, commenting on it and so forth.

I can't lie, it's not a cheerful story by any stretch of the imagination, but that doesn't take away from the fact it is a page turner (or screen swiper). It captures the ugliness of war and the consequences of actions of characters we all are already very familiar with. Thanks to that my attachment was already there. I knew them, from seeing them in the movies and on the pages of the Harry Potter books. I knew the world. I started reading the fic and it felt like I had never left that world. The characters were familiar, but also just enough different that it would show the effects the long war had taken on them. It showed how war chipped away at a person till all that was left is the sheer willingness and desire to go on.

Honestly I feel like this story could have easily been the genuine 'what if Harry didn't win' series of events.

I do have this giant hole feeling in my chest now that I have finished it though. It's like I need some more Draco to fill that spot. I have not thought about my love for that man for so long, and it almost feels nostalgic craving to read about him again after all of this time.

Thank you SenLinYu for writing this masterpiece.

Offload all complete. If you're still reading all the way down here... then wow. Thank you :)

[elgaladwen]

I can finally do one of these, since I did art all year! (Last year I only started drawing in May, so there would have been many blanks, aside from the fact that most of it was god-awful)

Speaking of awful, it was still a bit of a stretch here for some months, like the only thing I drew in January was that sad lil Dammon, and August had nothing I liked. Some months like April actually had a few I liked, so it was hard. I am working on a couple, so there's a chance I might have something else done in December, but I'm not too hopeful.

For fun I added up all of the subjects I drew (also counting last year's so that they can feel important) and it was Nim most, then Daerhovan, then Gallorith. (If you clump other OCs that were drawn once into one group, they'd beat everyone but Nim though.) But anyway yeahhhhh sorry I'm too into a couple of your OCs and my own, but whatever inspires me to practice, right? (I don't even want to think about this with fics)

Now I can look back next year and cringe hard, yesssss!

[sonny-whorezik]

haiii ... like a week short of a month since i left everything.... i just wanted to use as Journal and catch up before i do Fully return to social media, gettin rid of the app after this post yet again:

has . been . rough. grief has been consistent the last month from my best friend and now ex leaving me, losing that new job due to being physically sick from grief and being unemployed an additional month, my best best friend my dog, sage, passed away last friday and although i left to drive to kansas i just didn't make it in time. She has wind chimes over her grave and passed listening to the sound of the wind chime my great grandma left for me. two days after her passing marked the First Full Year since my grandpa passed away, i had a dream the night before where we drove around looking at christmas lights with people no longer in my life and he just looked so so sad. i am consistently physically alone; i facetime a couple friends but i go outside alone, sleep/wake up alone, eat alone, this has been going on since i left arizona in november Most of my time is spent completely alone.

ive tried new habits. i meditate and stretch in the morning and night. i read a page a day of a stoicism book my dad got me last year with a propeller hat. i see a therapist weekly, wake up earlier, even floss now. The complete back to back to back grief has left me no choice but to just Do Something. while i would Love to share something with someone its best i reserve it to myself, yet here i am vacantly sharing my last month to who knows who...

my friend invited me to see stop making sense last night in a farther town, showed the original film not the remastered and general admission was all standing and everyone acted as if it was a real concert dancing and singing. this was my 6th time seeing it in a theater. did not cry once yet celebrated the experience i have had and although i will never have anything quite like i did with someone quite like them, at least i had it for a good portion of my life. had to devote this must be the place to myself, foreign. to be completely transparent, i do miss them every day. i do not cry like i used to, i dont let myself get consumed by thought and feeling, ive grown more desensitized as time has passed, but i still miss them of course. i consistently see things that remind me of them even when theyre not on my mind and when sage died i wanted to reach out so terribly; reminisce of the fort we built where she slept with us and i had no one to talk to but my mom who was with her til the end. i didnt. i havent reached out. it is not my place given they were the one to leave i just will not keep reaching out and chasing someone who sounded so blatantly apathetic on our last phone call. i tell myself it was just a form of self preservation to them but yknow. like. that's it, i have no choice but to experience grief with self compassion and continue on, wherever that goes.

i may be starting TMS treatment , having magnets zap my brain 5 days a week, 6 weeks. i see a cardiologist on the 30th since my chest frequently hurts and both ekgs have concerns in the pause between beats. my pulse at resting is consistently around 120 yet my blood pressure is fine; who knows. well i guess ill know actually in 10 days. im finishing a vape, got a full pack of cigarettes ive yet to touch yet plan to quit smoking here soon in hopes it helps. maybe after my pack to eliminate temptation yet not waste my money... i bought it an hour before sage passed. i barely drink coffee and dont use energy drinks anymore i do what i can for my heart now.

atticus still sleeps with me, most nights. sometimes he wanders the living room when i cant sleep. im almost halfway through galapagos. i washed my sheets for the first time since buying them in august. im very much alone and this is all fine i tell myself. the stoicism has encouraged me to alter my perspective on things more rationally as opposed to the wired self deprecating and depression-based "take everything personally" thought processes ive had for 18 years. im on my phone significantly less and i even wrote a piece on piano i may share after this post. ive been transposing it to cello, my grandma requested.

i have no interest in perusing anyone anytime soon still, whether its still too early or what i think i do just Need to do these things alone for a while. ive never found sole stability in others, i learned this at 6 with my dad, yet while outside aid would help, it is not a requirement to live however. forgive me for how long this is and for leaving once again there are a few of you i used to talk to daily and now ive just got a few contacts in my phone.

despite chronic mental illness, mourning, loneliness, you name it, ive never taken this approach before. i will typically have a suicide attempt yet here i am doing a pancake stretch and ommm-ing every morning. i keep as busy as i can, today i went through every single thing i own to sort donations and the day before i deep cleaned. there is a box wrapped in a blanket of some of the things that remind me of them. i went through it today and brought out some things like the books theyve given me, it doesnt hurt as much anymore to remember. im donating the mugs i never gave them and the one theyd use at my house when theyd come over. all their letters havent been reread yet sit in between the photo of us in the cave. it was nice to see. i am so honored they let me, of all people, share these experiences with them. i am more thankful it happened then miserable itll never happen again; at least i had it for a while. i say this yet if a year passes and i hear from them, i would love to reconnect: hear how their life has been, what they've been doing, how their family is and if they are doing better. if this has helped. while for 6 years i believed they were really it for me, whether we ever dated or not ive always considered them the only one who Really Knew who i was, how i worked, you name it. although im "moving on" by taking care of myself more, it is upsetting to admit if i ever have a chance again, id take it in a heartbeat. i say this yet still believe Even if i do never get a chance, that's okay too. While i would, i dont anticipate it, rely on it, sit in denial "theyll surely come back," its alright if they never do. i live each day as if they never will yet to my core do know that i would try again

a knee ways .. i hope you, whoever reads, is doing okay, that you feel alright and what not. you dont have to feel good every day, but at the least alright i hope ... not sure if/when ill come back maybe just once a month im unsure yet .was just in a solid enough state to do this for a moment . wish you all well ,

[runonthewater]

Sometimes, on your fourth day on the road, you get so sick of the way the one pair of shorts you packed fit that when after a full day of driving, you go to the cheapest clothing store in Fort Nelson, buy a pair of patterened rayon jeans on clearance, and hack them off at the knees with the dull kitchen scissors that live in the van. Although these makeshift shorts do not necessarily fit you better than the ones you packed, they at least fit you differently.

Four days on the road. Temporally, this puts me halfway through the eight-day itinerary. At just over 1000 miles from Seattle (as the Google maps, not counting some side trips and the occasional back-tracking for a good view), and a little under 1000 from Tok, Fort Nelson puts me about halfway through the drive geographically, as well.

I started the morning in Dawson Creek, at Mile 0 of the Alaska Highway. (I met a nice Swiss couple at the mile marker who were, like me, getting their photo op in. They'd driven from Halifax and were planning to go all the way up the Dalton Highway! Because I am the kind of nerd that I am, as soon as I got back in the car, I turned on "The Last of Barret's Privateers" and belted about being a broken man on a Halifax pier in their honor.) Immediately outside Dawson Creek there was a lot of truck traffic, and I spent quite a while tailgating and being tailgated as steep grades and a lack of passing lanes kept us all stuck together.

By the time I reached my first rest stop in Wonowon, though, the driving had changed noticeably. In the first three days I spent a decent amount of time keeping an eye on my mirrors for people in smaller cars that would want to pass me. Once I was truly on the highway, the number of passing vehicles dwindled significantly. And the landscape spread out soon enough into rolling evergreen forests, bisected by the road. It's August, so fireweed dusts the cleared firebreaks on either side of the highway in a Barbie pink that looks unreal and is almost impossible to capture on my phone's camera. The deciduous trees flash the pale undersides of their leaves at the northbound traveler, revealing how windy it is.

This is what I think of when I think of the Highway: these long, straight stretches with big sky and no one around. The kind of wildlife I associate with the north is starting to appear, too. I saw a black bear galumph across the road around 4PM, and a little further on I saw a doe nursing a faun beside the road. Both obviously moved too fast for me to get pictures. The blackbirds scavenging on the highway are also clearly ravens, now: they're too fucking big to be crows. The other day I saw a black bird so big that I couldn't not spot it, despite the shade of the trees. Ravens are big.

The halfway point means I've been out here long enough to get a couple routines down. It also means I've been out here long enough to decide on problems -- e.g. the aforementioned shorts, the fit of which I am sick, or the buurned-on bits of fries I reheated in a pan without any oil the other nnight. But overall, as I told a local while I filled up today, the van treats me well.

Halfway also means I start thinking about the end of the trip. To be honest, today I thought about stopping earlier than Fort Nelson, partly because I was much more tired from yesterday's drive than expected, and partly because I don't want to rush. The lack of services between Dawson Creek and Fort Nelson ended up deciding me and I pushed on, but the possibility of extending the time on the road, letting the bubble of travel get just a little bigger, is tempting.

On the other hand, I miss my dog. And paying less than $150 per gas tank refill. Getting to Alaska, and then home, will be nice. When I get there.

A few less highfaluting thoughts (I blame Nabokov for the style): tonight I not only got to use the levelers to even out one side of the van for the night, I'm swatting skeeters like mad. The bugs are most definitely getting worse as I go north. The windshield is a war zone, and when I stopped earlier I found the van SURROUNDED by wasps and flies. Are they feasting on their fallen brethren? will they please leave me alone???

[fieldsofview]

Spider-Man: Homesickness UPDATE

The following text is copied from my AO3

Hey, y'all. This is going to be a long and rambling life update for a moment. TLDR: The epilogue won't be posted until mid/late August, but it is coming. Keep reading if you're so interested in the *why*, otherwise, I'll see you then.

I know that, until now, I've been very consistent in keeping updates on time. And I know it's likely frustrating for you all to have to wait for the epilogue, and for that I apologize. It's coming, I promise. I just want to make sure I do it justice and do my best, and my life has not allowed for that right now. My personal life has been kind of a wreck these last few weeks. To start, I had a long stretch of time where I was covering extra shifts for my coworker who was in the hospital, which meant a lot of doubles (My usual 4PM-midnight followed by the midnight-8AM shift, with only a few hours after to go home and sleep before doing it all over again.) This is when I was drafting the previous chapter, and I did do my best to keep working on all of this but I was drastically limited in the time I had. During and following all of this, my cat, Aya, got very sick very fast. Within about 2 weeks, she went from being a perfectly healthy 5-year-old cat at her yearly physical exam, to having such extreme symptoms from a mystery illness that she was interned in a specialty Vet clinic's ICU for several days, needing a feeding tube, intravenous medication, and 24-hour care. Ultimately, despite the thousands of dollars I spent, four different veterinarians, and countless tests, no one could figure out what was wrong with her. She has since passed and her ashes should hopefully return to me within the week. Because of the timing of it all, just a few days later I left for a trip out of state to visit my elderly grandparents for their 85th birthday celebration with my extended family (There are nearly 40 of us) that I could not reschedule or miss, and I've been there for the last week. It's a 18-hour journey each way and I've spent most of the trip assisting my father with care of my younger brother or assisting my cousin with her three kids under 5. I've had no time for writing whatsoever. I've barely had time to breathe, let alone grieve the loss of my cat who I have had since she was a tiny kitten and who passed so suddenly and so violently that it has stuck with me in a way that previous pet deaths have never done. Her sister and her were so closely bonded and it's been heartbreaking to see her so confused as to why Aya has never come home. And now I've had to leave her with my roommates while I'm gone and she's been acting skittish and scared around them in a way she never has before. I only hope when I return in a few days she'll forgive me. I haven't started writing the epilogue yet. As many of you pointed out in the comments here and on my Tumblr (that I truly haven't had the capacity to respond to), the last chapter did not quite feel right or sit in the way you wanted. I stand by the events of the chapter, but because it was basically my rough draft with almost no editing, it's lacking the subtlety and nuance it deserves, and it's missing some details it should have had. I love this fic with all my heart and I want it to be a project I can finish and leave in a way that I am proud of. So, I will be spending the next few weeks taking the time I need for myself, and then I will be spending the time to make any edits to the entire story that I feel are necessary for it to be its best. Once that's done, I'll publish the epilogue. A version that is final and that I can be proud of, whether or not anyone else likes it. Because I know the last chapter was not my best work, it's been hard to sit with those comments and accept them, despite knowing the circumstances surrounding them. Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this project, and thank you for your patience as I make sure this is the best it can be. My hope is that I can post the epilogue in about one month, as I approach the year mark from when I first started drafting this fic, but I will take it day by day to ensure it's the best it will be. I will delete this "chapter" once the epilogue is posted. 

[catchingbigfish]

writing plans for the rest of 2023

aka, yet another accountability post i'll laugh at in a few months when i realize how off track my plans have gone again

i am freakishly close to done with the first draft of Conversion; i'm at 57k words as of right this very second, and i'm trying very hard to not go past 90k words on the first draft (even though i think it could edge closer to 120k if i let go with full reckless abandon), and really, my target is to make it a tight 80-85k words. plus, my weekend plans to swap my office and bedroom (who the fuck decided the largest room should be the place you sleep?? that makes no sense!) have been thwarted by my fiance getting sick again, so if i run another few 4-5k days in a row? i might knock this out within the week.

on top of that, i'm enrolled in julia inglis's new shadow doll course (it's a shameless indulgence of mine) which starts august first, so it seems like the prime time to consider exactly how i plan to spend late summer/early fall and nanowrimo this year. here's my current plan:

finish the first draft of Conversion by July 31. this seems very doable so far, unless i really do let go and indulge in all those side conversations and small subplots boiling around in my brain.

spend all of august really delving into the shadow doll course, giving my brain a serious break from writing, and channel all that energy into other types of creativity. this also seems doable, but there's a chance i'll be forced onto a business trip in late august. if that's the case, it'll probably be three or four days, and i'll go ahead and do my first read-through of conversion on the trip. (i read So It Goes way too early and i realize that now -- i have to find a way to force myself to give it at least three weeks before i read through Conversion.)

spend september working on a developmental, high-level, birds-eye-view revision of the first draft of Conversion. if all goes according to plan, i'll use the first few weeks to draft new character sketches and go back to tidy up any mischaracterizations from the characters developing along the drafting process, tighten plot points that i think are dragging, and do a new zero draft based on the first draft plus any new additions i think are necessary, then spend the last few weeks doing the actual drafting for any new scenes i need (and hopefully, for the love of god, creating actual chapter breaks in there). this also seems doable.

get Conversion ready for alpha-readers and zero draft the sort-of-sequel Apostate (👀) in october. yeah i'm basically fully committed to this idea now, lol. the working title is Apostate because i'm terrible at titles and i think it's a fun counterpoint to the title Conversion. i've realized my original cult fiction concept works unreasonably well as a follow up to Conversion (and that's one of the two reasons the ending changed so dramatically), so i'm going for it. i'm not confident i can do this all in october, but i'd love to do nanowrimo again this year and draft Apostate during the month, so this is like my stretch goal. also, i'm not comfortable calling it beta reading just yet, but i'm hoping to get Conversion to a point where i can hand it off to some people who can tell me if it's working, where things are lacking, and any glaring issues i can't see because i'm too close it. (if all goes according to plan, i hope to make a call for alpha readers in early october and have the draft handed over by november so i can force myself to only work on Apostate that month! i wouldn't expect readers to actually dive in until after november, since most likely, they'll be doing nano too -- but it's just the best way to motivate myself). this is definitely the goal i see most likely to fall off track.

spend november drafting Apostate. again, the entire concept of writing Apostate is definitely the weakest link in my plans, but it would be so nice to do!

take december off. seriously, if i actually do this in the way i want, i will need *so* much of a break it's unreal.

[gabapentinblues]

journal update 6.10.2025

double digit days of june. i almost feel happy, or motivated or something. less suicidal. less murky. i feel like my vertigo is less. i feel like im in a season of change.

a year ago i was miserable and i didn't know it. i was wasting time on someone who saw me only as a waste of time, some kind of means to an end that i didn't end up being worth at all. worthless. (me). now im in a completely different circumstance. im miserable and im fully aware of it.

i always feel like from one year to the next i can never predict how my life will be, and that can be true in all of the worst ways possible. that's how this year has been. everything has been a complete catastrophic avalanche since the start of 2024, and it's still going. whatever.

im here now and here now is all i'll ever be. i've lost a lot of things and im sure that's not going to end anytime soon. im done expecting things and aspiring to anything bigger. i have a pathetic life and im too inert and incapable to kill myself. thats who i really am.

the sun is shining in my windows. i have th house to myself again. i dont think i'll ever make sense of the past.

major ed talk from here............

i really triggered my ed last night by looking at old pictures of myself. i used to be so small, and i just want to get smaller. it doesn't help that im at the height of pms rn so im bloated and my tits are fat and everything hurts. i feel huge. i am huge. none of my clothes fit me right anymore. i let things get so bad getting addicted to binge eating again this past winter.

i decided im going to change. june is going to be the month of restructuring things. really triggering myself as many times as i need to and staying focused and motivated and relearning consistency until it becomes second nature.

i decided im not going to weigh myself until july first bc that's what really makes things real. and if i see a number that devastates me, in the past i've allowed it to send me into a pessimistic binge eating spiral and make things worse. i just need to get to a place where things are stable, manageable and attainable. im going to do my best and be as persistent as i can this month. set myself up for the best possible start come july 1st.

then july, august and september will be the real months of drastic change. a lot can happen in three months, and by the end of the year it's possible that i'll be smaller than i've ever been. im not giving it up this time. im going to get small again and im going to stay small.

i didn't buy all those new clothes years ago just for them to not fit me anymore.

so im back. im staying focused. im doing whatever it takes.

im reframing my suicidal self destruction into something slightly less pathetic. yes im aware it's still pathetic to be afraid of food and gaining weight, but to me it's more pathetic to helplessly eat myself into a body i dont want and to never be able to dress well or like how i look. im caring about something again.

in a way im motivated towards something again. not a better future. i still have no hope for that. but a better body. i have control of the vessel i inhabit and i will devote myself to changing it every day. im so not giving up this time.

my sleep has been different the last couple days. for months i've been able to sleep 13-15 hours a day no problem. like just fall asleep instantly anytime with like no effort, but that hasnt been happening as much, which kinda upsets me bc sleep has been my biggest escape. i feel like i need to start practicing actual sleep hygine and like have a wind down routine before bed bc i could not sleep last night.

soooo what that might look like, could be tidying my room and then stretching and meditating. maybe checking all my blogs one last time, maybe somekind of journal exercise and then being off my phone completely, no more vaping, i feel like nicotine could be stopping me from sleeping which is crazy, but its powerful it might be keeping me awake and disrupting my sleep. then doing skincare and reading until i fall asleep. i like the idea of that.

i know i need to implement more structure for myself. i've had basically none all year. no structure, no discipline, no self control, no boundaries and it's made me miserable. it has made me feel completely incapable.

i need to build new routines and structures and give myself things to look forward to that aren't food. a big part of the problem is that i don't have my own money right now, so getting a job again will be good.

i had an interview yesterday that went pretty well. im likely going to have a second one this week and i really hope i get the job. like i know the universe doesnt care about me and owes me nothing, but this would be such a good thing, such a break.

the job is three to four days a week, nights and weekends so i'd be able to get away from everyone and be out of the house when people are home and skip dinner which is perfect. i always lose weight when i work night shifts. like such an easy way to just skip dinner and no even think about it. so that would be perfect, but i also dont want to get my hopes up.

obviously having my own money again would be good and it's getting to be pretty necessary at this point. im going to run my savings down to nothing if i dont get a job this year. and i really dont want to go more than six months unemployed.

this has been such a deeply embarrassing stretch of time, just completely failing at living on my own, failing at holding down a stressful job and keeping up with my peers, getting cheated on and broken up with like a loser, losing a close friend just because i was too suicidal to care, losing my apartment, losing job i loved, gaining so much weight, behaving so unstably that i got a new diagnosis, like literally one of the most stigmatized ones, spending so many days just completely wanting to kill myself and doing nothing about it. wasting away here. forming a fucked up reconnection bond during this absolutely excruciating mortifying time in my life with my most toxic ex that i still dont know how to make sense of.

im carrying a lot of shame and i dont know what to do with it or how to make sense of it and i dont want to share it with anyone. im tired of being vulnerable. im tired of letting people close. im tired of trying to have connections and be genuine and candid and share my feelings. i think i just need to be closed off for a while.

i dont know how im going to keep any of my friends and im not counting on them staying in my life, im not hoping for anything good to last. im not trying to build anything and im not trying to get someone to prove me wrong and show me that life is beautiful and worth living.

life is completely neutral and meaningless at best. i dont know what kind of person i want to be. i dont really want to be a person at all.

im going to start making my own money again because i literally have to. im coerced into it, i dont want it, but its either that or kill myself. no one is going to convince me that it's anything profound that i've decided to live. it's not. i have bills and thats it. if i want any semblance of independence it's what i have to do.

i dont care about a career or becoming anything greater, right now im just going to live paycheck to paycheck until i die. i dont care about the future.

im not close with my family, they're like my associates that i need to get along with and i can manage that. i dont want them to know anything about me, i dont want to share any more than i have to.

my friends are a little closer, but im not going to tell them my problems anymore. im not going to pretend im happy to be alive either. i just dont want to open up. they're people who get me a little more, who i can have fun and get fucked up with. i dont think im a good friend but i am thankful for the friends that i have.

im going to have to have some hobbies if im going to starve myself. im going to have to keep myself busy somehow. i journal and blog, once i have money again i can go to the gym again and i can buy art supplies and work on more projects. there are things i can do for free too. im going to plan to get my library card soon and start reading again, always be reading something, reading as a form of starving and as a form of escaping. i want to keep writing too. i really escaped into writing in april and i dont want that to go away. i want to keep doing it.

im going to try to have plans with a friend once a week. i want to keep in touch with people. there are friends i live near and i cant tell if they fit into my life at all anymore but i'll try like an experiment to see if they do. thats all i can do. no expectations. either they care about me or they dont and it's nothing against them if they dont.

i only care the bare minimum about myself bc i cant escape myself. maybe that will change one day, but for now i dont blame anyone for not caring about my bc i wouldn't want to either. again it's not like i want someone to convince me otherwise. i truly dont see the value in myself as person. i guess i dont see the value in anyone. i dont see the value in life and i dont see myself in a long term partnership with anyone.

living is just suffering and there's times when it's less and there's times when it's more, but i dont see any reason to pretend there's meaning in that. im just alive because i dont have a choice.

i dont have any answers. nothing means anything.

i hope i come out of these zoloft withdrawls soon. i think that's the worst one. the other ones probably arent helping, but ive been on zoloft for so long im scared it's messed up my brain. im probably never going to be not depressed and im just going to accept that. the same way im never going to not be short. im done trying to escape it.

im done thinking my life has a greater meaning or some kind of path or some kind of everything happens for a reason. its just not true, we made that up to comfort ourselves. art isn't a reason to live or a greater purpose, its' just something we do when we're bored bc being alive is boring.

anyway yeah. im done chasing purpose.

maybe next week i'll start microdosing mushrooms. im really curious about that. that's not something i thought i'd get the chance to do so soon. it's just another thing im keeping from my family. mostly because i dont care to explain it, that's how i feel about most things with them. i just dont feel like explaining. no, i dont want you know how i feel or what i think or what i do with my free time or how im coping.

i have a right to keep all of that to myself. i have people i can share that with if i really want to.

today im going to see my friends and we'll probably do some kinky stuff and i'll probably get drunk again. i think i'm going to reschedule my therapy so i dont have to worry about that tomorrow.

im going to shower and get all cute and clean. first i'll clean my room and pack up my things. my friends wanted to see some of my paintings so i'll put those in my car and finally get all my blankets and pillows out of my backseat from when we did mushrooms on my birthday. im definitely feeling less suicidal. im really feeling like i'll be able to get out of my binge cycle and lose some weight and set up some better habits for myself to keep myself in check.

maybe i'll make a salad for lunch then shower, then eat then head up to see my friends. i think that sounds okay. i have plenty of time. just finished my coffee and will probably stay in bed for a little longer. i really am feeling okay right now actually.

i have about four hours before im going to leave so thats a lot of time. im not sure what else is on my mind.

[zak-shit]

I’ve changed my mind, I actually don’t wish to do any of that anymore

I’m feeling a lot of things, but it’s like I’m so aware of how I’m feeling, that I don’t express them.

laying face down across my bed, lust for life on apple, and being stoned. I feel great. This is similar to how I feel anytime I feel great. But I’m often not aware of that emotion. So I forget about it.

anyways I know I’ve needed to journal bad. It’s been too difficult for me, with no real obstacle in front of me other than myself.

it’s been months I’m sure. Maybe September was the last time.. possibly even August where I really went deep.

My energy is just low, or stretched in so many other places, that I haven’t made enough for you all. (myself)

*end of cherry by lana going hard rn*

2:20 am 1-125

this coming on right as the hot shower head was hitting me perfectly

4:03 am 1-625

must disconnect

I’ve never had a healthy crush, & I may have knowingly broke a few rules of mine in the category trends of my crushes. but damn I’m let down. coming out of my delulu basically

a decent percentage of me becoming so okay with working at a new store/ this transition has been out of an admiration for someone. that keeping me going.

but it isn’t as

I spend a whole lot of time, thinking of work. rn stopped journaling \> to come up here and call back to this area bc I started thinking something about work. wut if when lem returns tomorrow, I do not make the floor plan. idk I just want to see how engaged he will be.

another driving factor is my seeking for approval. idk d nearly immediately reminded me of austin. and we do have a similar relationship. though they are incredibly different people!!

|

\

I don’t want to be a broken record. I love records, why would I allow myself to be such a broken one! goal for the new year I suppose. or my focus, for the new year. really making myself happy.

I love music.

I love my family and family of animals.

I do love my job.

even there I nearly got negative. yes there are layers to each, but also love. and that is +5 !!

it is now 4:18 am I’ve gotten into bed. still in my after shower cozy pajamas. thick fuzzy, snug socks. dark navy sweat pants and a grey zip up.

forgot how comfy a zip up can be!

id like to feel a pep in my step for just being me again. I will get there this year. and more and more each year to come.

pics

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Friday, July 26th, 2024!

5:24am: My parents are coming to town and I am exhausted but excited! Hanging out with my boy thing today, I don't know if things will work out but I am just riding it out at the moment. Remember he could drop you at any moment and you just gotta keep doing you!

Rocky Horror Picture Show today, my queen??

My queen? 🤨🧐 RHPS today at the Straz??

Lol why it is in July I will never know but I should go, because I love it. Literally name one reason why I wouldn't go.

Lmao I kinda want to keep this here 😂

-- ANYWAY

I think I want to be back on my bullshit. Ironically this is the same time last year that I wanted to *get skinny* except it was for HORRIBLE BULLSHIT REASONS like keeping a shit bag boy around. I now have a different boy around, but I want to keep these two ideas as FAR away from each other as possible. That may be difficult because he is so into fitness but idgaf. I have to do this for me.

I've been having a hard time with wound healing again and ik it's from poor health, I have stretch marks on my stomach from how quickly I must've regained those ten+ pounds since I stopped being on my bullshit for new years resolution. I literally do everything backwards. Most new years resolution would be to start dieting, mine was to stop. Most people *get skinny for summer* but the heat makes me so depressed I don't want to do anything until right now when August is about to happen aka HALLOWEEN is around the corner. I'm a *get skinny for Halloween* kinda girl 😂 but that's just me and how I roll. The heat is really so bad bc one of my favorite things to do instead of eat is to just go places except it's too hot to be/walk around outside. My shorts don't fit me and I'm hella self conscious about bug bites that won't heal and shit like that, discolored skin. Summer always sounds like a vibe but it's my least favorite season and has been my least favorite since anyone has ever asked me. Too hot to cook, too hot to drink hot coffee, I always am thirsty but that results in me drinking more soda/ drinks with calories because I am just dehydrated af. Another thing, drive thrus bc I don't want to get up out of the car/AC/hot humid rain & walk around 💀

Long story short, I don't even act like most people bc summer is ig when people are skinny, so I just need to make my plan individualized, how I can maintain it, and fuck everyone else.