#I'm...so out of practice writing blog posts and it's so intensely obvious

[ferociouslyroyalorb]

☆࿐ཽ༵༆༒ ༒༆࿐ཽ༵☆

☆࿐ཽ༵༆༒ ༒༆࿐ཽ༵☆

I know what your thinking.

"Really? Again?? Holy shit balls this guy really can't find an a niche to stick with.. "

And to that, I say

IT'S MY MENTAL ILLNESS SHUT UP SHART FACE!!1!!!!1!

˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

Anyways, to be more specific, I will always write about headcanons and shit, which is still going to be on this account, if things get too unorganized and messy, I'll move the creative writing part to my other account (it's specifically for monster/robot/literally anything freaky fuckery. But whatever, I just want to blog about my declining health and maybe if I die I'll be in someone's memory which will be forgotten in a few days. (Honestly that's asking too much LMAOOO)

I just want to talk and get advice on different shit, even if it isn't healthy for me to ⭐ve or feed into my mental and physical illnesses.

Speaking of, here's some stuff you should know about this rebrand or whatever.

Yes, I'm developing an ed as I'm writing this out, obviously I'll be mentionint it on this blog, so TW for that, please leave and love yourself, I'm a horrible example and should not inspire anyone to develope a disorder, I think I'd get so much worse mentally if anyone told me they got worse or bad because of me

Because of my guilt towards getting more people into developing a disorder, I obviously won't be posting advice, if anything I'll just blog what I do, but honestly I'm not going to sugarcoat anything unless I want to, so 𝙄𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙚𝙘𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙤𝙧 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙞𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙙𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙛𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙚 "𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙨" 𝙤𝙧 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙄 𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙤𝙪𝙩, 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙔𝙊𝙐𝙍 𝙙𝙚𝙘𝙞𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣,which I will admit, me posting about my habits and how I manage is contributing to sharing information about these habits, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙄 𝙙𝙤 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙨, 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠 𝙖𝙢𝙖𝙯𝙞𝙣𝙜 (I'm so hypocritical for not practicing what I preach but it's true) what I have is simply self-distain, I actually like my body, I just want to suffer like I deserve, and for a sense of control, don't get me wrong I don't have the best body image, but that isn't the only reason I'm doing the things i plan on doing. (𝐇𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐈 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐧 𝐝𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐥 𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐈 ⭐𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐦𝐲 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬)

I'm 17 years old, I'm going to be talking about stupid shit, I'm freaky soooo, take that as you will.

As if it wasn't obvious I have multiple mental illnesses (all but one medically diagnosed, I'm currently getting evaluated for being on the autism spectrum or what ever I didn't listen well) anyways, once again I'll probably indulge in my urges and bad habits, which will probably be triggering.

This account is for no one, I used to do requests for agere (I'm still actively coping this way too) but I have decided I will (at least for now)

Honestly I don't know what else to say, other than this account is just gonna be my personal blog shits >~< the only reason I put warnings is because I know these subjects are very intense and it's a very drastic change from cute agere stuff, which will 𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐁𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐄𝐄𝐄 but with me talking about my personal experiences!

☆࿐ཽ༵༆༒ ༒༆࿐ཽ༵☆

Okay bye bye x3

[queenieofaces]

When did you know?

This post has been cross-posted to The Asexual Agenda.

I have a friend who in the last few months has started questioning if they might be queer (although they’re still trying to figure out where exactly they might fall).  They’ve been talking to me about it a fair amount, for obvious reasons.  The other day, though, we were chatting and they asked, “When did you know?”

“Which part of it?” was my immediate reply.

“Any part of it.”

The thing is, this question should be pretty easy to answer.  I have a standard narrative that I use for activism work, of course--I got my first crush on a girl when I was 15, got a crush on a guy a little over a year later, learned that asexuality existed a little less than a year after that,* but didn’t start openly identifying as asexual until my twenties.

Reality is, predictably, a whole lot messier.

Here’s a place to start: I don’t actually remember when I started identifying as a biromantic asexual.  I came out to my second partner (who also turned out to be ace), and I remember saying, “Do you know what ‘biromantic asexual’ means?” so obviously I knew the term by that point. But I don’t remember actually seeing the word or thinking, “Oh, hey, that applies to me.”  You’d think that would be a big realization, right?  There are so many narratives about people finding words for who and what they are and having huge revelations and I have...zilch.  I had read the page on asexuality years prior, so I guess I must have internalized romantic orientation as a concept, assigned myself a romantic orientation, and then...never thought about it again?  I don’t think I have a bad memory so much as it was a non-event for me.  I knew, but knowing didn’t matter as much to me as telling someone.

Or, there’s this: I got my first crush on a girl when I was 15.  I don’t think I ever went through a period of denial--it was very much “oh, okay, I have a crush on a girl; this isn’t ideal but I guess it’s happening” rather than trying to write off my feelings.  But, in hindsight, maybe it was easy for me to accept because I started experiencing some kind of nebulous attraction to girls starting...probably when I was 11 or 12 at the latest.  (It may actually have been much earlier than that--my mom got really frustrated with me when I was about 4 because I wouldn’t stop kissing this girl I was friends with.  She was frustrated not by the kissing itself but because the girl in question turned out to have chicken pox.)  I took dance classes starting in my preteens, and there were certain girls who I really wanted to impress.  Because they were good dancers, uh, yeah, that was the only reason.  I really wanted to talk to them and have them like me, but I was so painfully shy that I mostly couldn’t manage it.  One of them complimented my shirt one time and I kept timing my laundry so that I’d wear that shirt to class in the hopes that she’d compliment it again.  In hindsight, holy cow, tiny Queenie, that’s maybe not the most heterosexual behavior, but I didn’t realize that until I was in my twenties.  Before that point, it was just me having uncomfortably big feelings about people I wanted to be friends with (something I’m very good at).

Or this: when I was 12, I got into a big argument with my dad about whether or not there were too many kissing scenes in The Lord of the Rings.  I told him that the kissing scenes disrupted the flow of the plot and were excruciatingly dull, and he made fun of me and told me that he’d be laughing in a few years when I was eating up kissing scenes like candy.  I remember telling him that that wasn’t going to happen.  (I was right.  The kissing scenes in The Two Towers are still pointless.)  Do we count that as me “knowing”?  Or was that just young Queenie having a good sense of plot pacing?

Or how about this: I started being bullied when I was in my early teens because my peers knew something was off about me.  I wasn’t interested in boys (I faked a crush on a boy at one point to get people off my back), found the constant discussion about who people like liked really boring, and said some blunt and kind of mean things in response to one girl who kept monologuing about how much she enjoyed making out with her boyfriend.  She called me heartless and a monster, and I thought she might be right.  I had figured out by that point that I wasn’t experiencing what my peers were and assumed there was something wrong with me.  Do we count that as me “knowing”?  (Does it matter if I “knew” before I had the words for it?  Does it only count if I had proper words to put to the experience?  Or does it count only when I had proper words and started expressing those words to other people?)

That’s not even touching the way the language I use has changed over the past 5+ years.  I call myself queer now rather than biromantic--I’ll say I’m bi spec when I’m in bi spaces.  I used to think I was attracted to men and women more or less equally--now I’m mainly attracted to women and non-binary people.  (I haven’t been attracted to a man for...approaching a decade now.  That might be for Trauma Reasons or it might be luck of the draw--I’m attracted to people so infrequently that I’m working with a spectacularly small sample here.)  I’m much more likely to say that I’m greyromantic than demiromantic now.  5 years ago I used to be more upfront about being ace than about being biromantic--now people are much more likely to know that I’m queer but may not know I’m ace unless we’re close (or I feel the need to out myself by making an awful pun which, let’s be real, I’ve done multiple times).  But I’m not sure that we can say that I didn’t know before--it’s just that language in queer and ace communities is constantly shifting, and I’ve shifted along with it.  I’m always trying to triangulate who and what I am as precisely and concisely as I can, but sometimes it’s more useful for me to throw out “queer” than to kick off the hour-long conversation about how exactly attraction happens (or, sometimes more pertinently, doesn’t happen) for me.  

A lot of the time being able to talk to other people about something is a bigger turning point for me than knowing that thing about myself.  The first time I came out as ace was more important to me than discovering asexuality.  Which is more important: knowing or being able to make known?  Does it matter when I knew if I expected to keep that knowledge locked up inside me forever?  Does it matter when I knew if I somehow managed to forget that moment of knowing, but remembered the moment of telling someone else?

Maybe “When did you know?” just isn’t the right question for me.  It’s probably the right question for a lot of people, but introspection has always been my strong suit while expressing my inner monologue is less so.  

So, here, let me ask you: When did you know?

*Okay, so if you want to be a detective and work out my exact age it is in fact possible to do that by going through this post and previous posts I’ve made.  I’m going to ask that you not do that, or at least that if you do that you don’t post about it.  I’ve been intentionally evasive about my age for complicated reasons that mostly have to do with protecting my privacy (people knowing personal information about me is very anxiety-provoking, she says, on a blog where she frequently talks about very sensitive stuff because wow anxiety is weird), but this post would be borderline incomprehensible if I continued to be evasive--“February 2011″ means a lot less than an age for this kind of personal narrative.

[omnivorousshipper]

Hey Omni! I get so excited on Fridays again because of you! 🥰🥰 I don't know how NSFW you are willing to go 😅 but I have a Shobbs request in mind 😘 so to keep it tame lol, I was thinking, after an intense mission Luke ends up more beat than usual and is too exhausted or weak to patch himself up. Deck is the only one around and decides to lend lend hand, but can't help but ogle at Luke's muscles and maybe gets a little handsy 😉💕💕

Awwww!! I'm so happy to hear that friend!! And lol, don't forget, I do have my smut blog 😉 I haven't posted much on it, but I do love writing it occasionally! As for now, I think we definitely need Deckard going weak in the knees being able to finally touch Luke's muscles

~~~

Deckard frowned as he watch Luke Hobbs stumbled his way out of his vehicle and holding his side with pain sketched deeply into his face. Something was wrong. Tracking the man's movements, he knew an injured soldier when he saw one. What he didn't see was Hobbs asking anyone for help.

It was obvious the man was in severe pain and needed to be tended to. With how exhausted he looked, Deckard bet the man wouldn't be able to really do much by himself. Glancing around, Deckard sighed. There was no one else to help him.

Shaking his head, Deckard grabbed the first aide kit he always kept close and headed towards Luke.

"What'd you get yourself into this time, jolly green?" Deckard scolded without any heat as he approached. Luke cracked a small smile but winced in pain as he tried to take a deep breath.

"You should see the other guys."

"I bet they look great in their body bags."

Setting the kit next to Luke, Deckard looked him over and knew right away he had at least one broken rib.

"Take off your shirt."

"I'd rather you bought me dinner first."

"Don't be a twat. If you want help wrapping your rib, take off your shirt."

As Luke tried to do so, he gasped and had to drop his arms. A look of irritation and exhaustion crossed his face. He wasn't able to lift his arms enough to take the shirt off.

"Here." Deckard was gentle and non-judgmental as he helped pull Luke's shirt over his head. Taking in the damage, Deckard felt his face go hot.

Even a blind person could tell just how fit Luke was and how large his muscles were. His biceps along were the size of Deckard's head, while his torso looked as if even metal couldn't pierce him. Swallowing thickly, Deckard tried to pry his eyes off the man's body, but unfortunately, that's what he needed to look at.

Glancing up at Luke's face, Deckard couldn't be more relieved the man had his eyes shut and trying to keep his breathing even. Deckard was sure Luke would call him out on his blush and ogling.

Finally tearing his eyes away from the impressive body in front of him, Deckard grabbed his kit. Pulling out everything he needed, he willed his blush down. He needed to be at least a bit professional.

"Sit forward a bit," Deckard spoke quietly and was glad Luke wasn't fighting him on this at all.

As Deckard began working, he was sure he was going to bite through his lip.

His face was practically shoved up against Luke's body and he could see beads of sweat traveling down perfectly tanned skin. When Deckard was on Luke's left side, he had to hold himself back from tracing the tattoos on a large bicep.

The only good thing about the whole experience was Deckard had an extremely valid excuse to touch Luke's chest.

And how wonderful it was.

He could feel the hard muscle flexing under his hand and could only imagine the kind of strength he had yet to see Luke show off. The memory of Luke holding a literal helicopter flashed through his mind and Deckard gulped.

If Luke could do that, then what could he do in more intimate settings?

Deckard had a feeling if Luke really wanted to pin him, Deckard would either be left at his mercy or forced to cause bodily harm to get free.

Although, Deckard wouldn't be against any personal displays of strength from Luke. Especially if a horizontal setting was introduced.

By the time Deckard was done, he could see how out of it Luke was and he felt a sharp pang of guilt. Here he was ogling the man while he was hurt and needed rest.

"Come on, twinkletoes, let's get you to bed."

Through a large arm across his shoulders, Deckard shivered as Luke body surrounded his.

It was a plain fact that Luke was huge compared to Deckard and the smaller man wasn't not afraid to admit it. He preferred his smaller stature to better blend in and get around tight spaces. But, he would always admire Luke's physique.

Slowly, they trudged through Nowhere towards the sleeping quarters. With each step, Luke grew heavier and heavier in his arms and Deckard was glad when they finally rounded the corner to the rooms.

Gently, Deckard lowered Luke into the bed and saw the man half way to unconsciousness.

Shaking his head, Deckard grabbed each of his legs to pull them up onto the bed. It was a bit too small for the large man, but as long as he could rest, that was the most important thing.

Staring down at Luke, Deckard gave one more sweeping, appreciative look over his body.

He'd be asking Luke for a sparring session once he was recovered.

At least then Deckard would have another excuse to touch Luke's muscles.

[danpuff-ao3]

2022 round-up

Thanks for the tag @cindle-writes!! I do have fun with these things!

Rules:

Post the top 5 works you're most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular),

your top 4 current WIPs that you're excited to release in the new year,

your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year,

your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year,

and your number 1 favorite line you've written this year!

Tagging: @bluesundaycake, @fleetingdesires, @onbeinganangel, @broomsticks, @vdoshu, @thistlecatfics, @greenmegsnoham, @givereadersahug, @sugareey-makes-stuff, @ashariewrites, @makeitp1nk, @lumosatnight, @swoontodeath & anyone else who wants to join in the fun! (And no pressure to those I've tagged, of course!)

5 Fics

Contempt [Snarry, E, 20k] - (oh yes, THAT'S RIGHT, another opportunity taken to talk about my PRIDE & JOY, my HEART & SOUL, my beloved Contempt.) (Don't look at me, this is Cindle's fault, they tagged me.) Anyway. For the uninitiated. Contempt is the best thing I've ever written ever and is the product of 19 years of Snarry obsession love and untold years preoccupied with the very specific idea of Harry's really complicated, really negative feelings towards Snape. This fic contains every Snarry feel I've ever had. And I'm glad I wasn't able to write it all those years ago, because I definitely didn't have the skill or life experience to do it justice in ye olden days.

A Matter of Time [Snarry, E, 3k.] - the second best fic I've ever written! Yes, my 2 best works came out of 2022. How? Idk. Am I levelling up?? Let's hope so! Anyway: this is an angsty little piece full of my favorite things: tragedy, discovery, judgment, open endings. It was also a bit of a writing challenge, both in the alternating POVs (which I don't often do) and the reverse chronology! Also that last line was a sucker punch to the gut. And the heart. And all other major organs, probably. I'm quite proud of it, I'm not gonna lie. (Also, when AAP was still in Anon stage, my dear friend Nina DMed me all "DANNI, WAS THAT YOU??" Fun times.)

In My Veins (In My Blood) [Snarry, Harry/others, E, 7k] - this one is a dead dove monstrosity, I won't lie to you. It's not even "fun" dead dove. It's genuinely super intense and dark and super messed up. Voldemort wins. Non-con. Humiliation. And more! (Seriously, read the tags on that one.) (I had a dead dove connoisseur comment that of all the extreme dead dove they've read, this was the one that made them sad. Which made me sad. And also a little smug.) (I had to get smug to erase the sads, okay?) Anyway...I don't know. This is really a horrific story that I don't recommend anyone read, but I'm stupidly proud of what I accomplished with it.

Black Skies [Snegulus, Regulus/Sirius, E, 7k.] - Marauders' Era, Regulus POV. Underage, obvious incest. Jealousy! Angst! It was a fun exploration of Regulus' character and how I see him. And exploring 2 Regulus ships I love at the same time. All the wrongness, the complication, the emotion. Oh, and the smut. The smut is very good on this one, not gonna lie. The best part, though, is that one reader told me that this story portrayed an idea I believe strongly in: letting characters be flawed, internally and externally, and giving that respect and admiration. Handling the admission of those flaws with loving hands. That I suceeded here is just like...yes! I do practice what I preach! Can you feel my love?? You CAN? Excellent!

Orange Blossoms [Snarry, T, 3k.] - Snarry + flowers? + courtship? + student/teacher?? Yes please, and thank you. It really began as my desire for Snarry + flowers, and my decision to write a fic for HP Flowers for my own birthday. I was really quite resigned to writing a very simple, short piece for it. But this fic had a mind of its own, and became so much more! Between the floriography, the symbolism, the poetic nature, the Snarry dynamic, the traditions...I don't know, it all sort of came together into a story that made me genuinely happy, and one I was quite pleased with! It's quite bittersweet, a love story set during wartime, and the comforts people turn to in such dire circumstances.

4 WIPs

smile with sweet surprise (chapter 3) [Snarry, Snily, E, WIP] - this story and I have a complicated history, but I'm bound and determined to finish it! Even if it means posting one chapter per year, which looks like it's going to be a real thing and not just a joke. Oops. It's Snarry featuring Stepdad Snape, underage filth, and mega angst. A fun time for all, basically! And with luck chapter 3 will be out next year! I'm feeling mightily inspired after a lovely comment from @inarticulateimbecile!

Magic in the Stars: Astrological Essays on Wizarding World Characters and Relationships [meta] - the working title of my HP Astro series when I post it to AO3! I'm gearing up to post it on January 3rd! It won't feature all current essays right away, just the ones I manage to edit by the third. Then I'll do bulk chapter uploads maybe quarterly, as to not bombard my poor subscribers haha! I've done a lot of prep work (and HTML!) on this one to have it be as book-like as possible, and I'm very excited to share it!

[Hoggywartyxmas] - can't share the title just yet, sorry! I'm not sure as of yet when it will go up on LJ, but I know I'll be putting it on AO3 myself January 9th (author reveals!) So...okay maybe this one is less of a WIP and more of a complete fic sitting in my drafts. But hey! It sorta counts towards "releasing in 2023."

[Untitled Dralbus fic] - I make no promises on this one, actually, but in theory I'd really like to finish and post this one next year! Like smile, it has a complicated history linked to my old friend group. This link makes both fics difficult to work on, but also makes me super determined to finish both! Because I'll be damned if those people keep me down! They've done plenty enough of that, methinks, without letting them affect my writing!

3 Improvements

Less obsessing over stats - I've taken active measures to stop fretting so much and focusing on numbers. I've set up a system to not check my statistics page during the week, only on weekends. And I'm working towards checking my profile less (as to not gawk at each story's statistics), though it would help if I stopped being lazy and implemented a site skin that will hide those things. But I'm not doing half bad for relying on self-discipline!

Writing longer works! Back in ye olden days all I wrote were ridiculously long fics. When I came back in 2019 I dove onto the opposite end of things: shortfic! Which was great, but I sort of trained my brain to think that anything past a certain word count was rambling, meandering, and unnecessary. I've started to become better at allowing stories to get longer and sort of gauge what works for the story, rather than relying on numbers for my success. (My reliance on word count here, and my obsession with stats in 1 are hilarious when you know my lifelong undying hatred of math and numbers.)

Letting go/saying no - I have a terrible compulsion to stick things out and see them through to the end, to my own detriment. It's been healthy for me to look at projects and activities and decide whether I can actually accomplish those goals while taking care of myself. And stepping back if I realize that pushing towards those goals will be harmful to me.

2 Resolutions

Work on "Three of Hearts", the longfic I've been talking about for ages! Even better if I can write and finish it, but for my sanity's sake let's just say I'll make some progress on it somewhere!

No more fests Snarry Bang. And maybe Snarry-a-Thon. ...Cut back on the number of fests while still attempting a few special Snarry ones? (I stg I need a babysitter...) (For myself, yes.)

1 Line

This is the single rudest question I've ever been asked in my entire life and it keeps coming up!!!! I've posted over 70k words this year!! Written over 90k!!!! 19 works this year!!!! And I have to narrow it down to 1 line???? Jesus H. Merlin Christ. Oh well, let me rummage through Contempt and find something.

How can Harry not despise him? It's been ages since he's been in Severus' arms, and the moment he is, he — it's — damn him, but it's wrong how right it feels. Like all of his broken pieces have been gathered up and stored in a box for safekeeping.

[itsclydebitches]

How do you manage to write so much? I have this fic I'm working on and I know exactly what I want to happen in the scenes, but I struggle with actually writing the prose for it and describing the events. Even getting 500 words out is hard, so seeing you churning out content is pretty amazing to me (especially because it's all so good). If you have any tips to share it would be really appriciated!

First - thank you so much, anon! I was literally just thinking tonight about how I haven’t written enough lately and then you come in with “How do you manage to write so much?” So I think that’s a good thing for every writer to keep in mind: how we might perceive our accomplishments doesn’t necessarily reflect what we’ve actually accomplished. Those feelings are something I’d like to address here. As is abundantly obvious, the advice I’m about to offer is stuff I often struggle to follow too ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But let’s see... yes, I’ve got 10 tips (nice round number) for producing writing, approaching your writing, and dealing with that pesky “How do I describe events?” issue. These are in no good order:  

1. Reject the “Write ___ amount of words every day” advice. It doesn’t work. Or if it does work it’s because we’re prioritizing writing over literally everything else, which I personally don’t think is healthy. The days I haven’t written recently include things like “Battling a bad cold” and “Spent the day with Dad in the ER” (he’s fine!). If I had forced myself to write on those days it would have been in lieu of taking time to rest/recuperate, so I didn’t. If I were still demanding of myself, “You can’t lose your writing streak 😡” then I would have felt intensely guilty about taking that time to rest. That’s just training yourself to associate writing with negative emotions. Instead, I’ve started tracking my progress with Word Keeper.

As you can see, it’s all over the place, but over the last month I’ve found that it has given me a much better sense of what I’m accomplishing overall. Rather than getting upset about days where I only wrote a tiny amount, or didn’t write at all, I can now also easily remind myself of the days when I wrote a whole lot, or the days where I managed to be fairly consistent. Let your writing fluctuate. There’s something to be said for not being dependent on motivation (there are plenty of times where I encourage myself to write even if I don’t want to), but don’t hold yourself to overly rigid standards either. 

2. Consider rejecting the “Write for an hour every morning/carve out a specific time to do nothing but writing” advice. If that works for you, great. Me? I’ll never manage it. Beyond the fact that I would murder mornings if I could and, as established, don’t do well with a rigid schedule, my brain is way too hyperactive to focus on one task for long. And by “long” I mean... more than 10-15 minutes. So what I personally do is alternate tiny bits of writing with something else I want to accomplish, usually another task I’m having trouble focusing on. Let’s say I need to read an article and I want to write those 500 words. Both tasks are rather daunting. 500 words? 35 pages?? No thank you. I can, however, manage 100 words and 5 pages... so I just alternate. Read 5 pages. Write 100 words. Read 5 more pages. Another 100 words. Back and forth, with amounts that work for you. Whatever is doable, even if that means something like 10 words and half a page. And if you find yourself going, “Wait, wait just 100 more words so I can finish this scene,” all the better. Do that for an afternoon and you’ve made significant headway on both projects. You can also alternate with something you want to do. I finished the latest Before the Dawn recap by doing that with The Clone Wars. One 20 minute episode, then 250 words, essentially using my show as a reward system: write that little bit so you can find out what stupidity Anakin does next. 

Speaking of rewards...

3. Try using 4 The Words. I absolutely love this website because it turns writing into a game and I am an absolute sucker for validation of any sort. Essentially, you get to choose how much writing you want to get done in a single sitting - either timed or by word count - and that goal corresponds with a monster to defeat. Write the required amount in the allotted time period and you receive rewards for your avatar, experience, etc. If you’re like me and enjoy games at all, that’s a huge motivator. Maybe you’d never consider trying to write 750 words in a single sitting, but the 750 words monster drops the specific loot you need to finish a quest... so why not give it a try? I find that the time limits are quite generous and the system counts any words you’ve written, not what you decide to keep. Remember that writing is writing, so even if you churn out those 750 words and then decide you hate the whole scene, that time wasn’t wasted. It’s helping you figure out what you do want instead. 

4. Don’t set those rigid standards, but try to hold yourself accountable in some manner too. That’s why when I changed my blog theme I decided to put what project I was working on in the bio and what I planned to work on next. Whether anyone actually cares about that doesn’t matter, I perceive that as, “Damn I told everyone I’d have a Witcher drabble done next. Better work on that!” That veneer of accountability helps keep me on track. 

5. It sounds like you’ve already got an outline - which is great! Once you know what you want to happen, keep in mind that you don’t have to write it in that order. This is something I still really struggle with because I often post chaptered fics as I go. I can’t be writing Chapter 20 when Chapter 15 isn’t even out yet! But sometimes that’s the best way to get past your road block. If you’ve got a scene in your head that’s a little more clear, even if it’s just a tiny description or dialogue exchange, go write that instead of beating your head against the part where you’re stuck. 

6. Regarding the specific issue of prose and describing events: daydream about it. Be the most cliche, cringy author who falls headfirst into their own worlds. A lot of times when I’m stuck I try to stop thinking about this as me writing a scene. Rather, it’s a scene for me to escape into when I’m bored in the car, or falling asleep, or tuning out an awkward conversation. Presumably you want to spend time in the world you’ve created, so let yourself do that, either as an outside observer or taking the place of one of the characters. Fantasize about this moment and then afterwards think back to what your brain conjured up. Going, “I need to write this fight scene now” is kind of daunting and maybe you just sit there, having no idea how “fight scene” translates into actual pages of action. If, however, you daydream about an epic battle you might later go, “Oh yeah! I/they did that cool flip move to disarm the opponent. Let’s see if I can describe that...” 

7. If the problem is more “I know there’s going to be a cool flip move but how do I describe that without just saying ‘The hero did a cool flip move’???” Let yourself just write “The hero flipped the sword out of his enemy’s hands.” Probably the most annoying part about writing (besides, you know, all of it) is remembering that you can, should, and must revise. Write a shitty description and move on. Come back to it later. Composing the rest of the scene will help you make the description less shitty the second time around. And want to know a secret? It’s probably not nearly as shitty as you first thought it was. A lot of times I churn out what feels like truly horrific descriptions, let it sit for a while, and when I come back to the work as a “new” reader I think, “You know what? There are definitely things I want to change, but this isn’t nearly as bad as I remember it being...” Again, writers often can’t be trusted to judge their own accomplishments. 

8. Research things. Watch stuff. Read stuff - and pay attention to the fact that you’re currently reading to learn. No one is born knowing how to write compelling scenes. That comes of not just practice, but engaging with a ton of other stories and consciously/unconsciously pulling from them. Not sure how to write a cool fight scene? Go read some cool fight scenes. Watch your favorites on Youtube. Pull a detail from here, there, then weave them into something new. Some authors claim they won’t engage with any stories similar to their own because they don’t want to taint their own ideas, but that’s just trying to write without providing yourself with any fuel. If you want to know how to describe a farm, go read others’ descriptions of farms, look at pictures of farms, watch TV shows with farms in them, etc. Same with anything else you might be stuck on. 

9. Remind yourself that some kinds of writing are going to come more easily to you than others. That’s not just in regards to things like dialogue vs. prose, but also big categories like fiction vs. nonfiction. Me? I can (quite obviously...) write a ton when it comes to asks and recaps. Explaining my own thought process comes very easily to me, and I’m long-winded, which means that when the project is something like, “Tell readers what you thought about this book” I can churn out 4,000 words easy peasy. Fiction though? That’s a slog. That’s where I’m writing in 100 words chunks, sometimes pulling each word out with all the joy of enduring a root canal. I will never - EVER - be a Stephen King writing 2,000 words of fiction a day. And that’s okay! Every writer is different and it does no good to compare ourselves to others who are writing more (hard as that is) because there will always be someone doing it “better.” That’s a competition we can’t win. Getting writing done is as much a mindset as it is a skill. Teaching yourself to go, “Yeah! 50 words today!! :D” is going to help more than berating yourself with, “Oh. Only 50 words today :(” But a part of that is also recognizing that you probably wrote a whole lot more than just 50 words. Do you write for your job? Answer emails? Keep a journal? Answer asks? Text whole conversations with your friends? Writing of all sorts takes energy and it all “counts.” If you spent the day catching up on your messages, it’s no wonder you might struggle to write more during your free time. Saying you “haven’t written” today because you didn’t write fiction as well as all the writing we naturally do on a daily basis is absurd. Sometimes you’ve just got to recognize that and let yourself watch some TV instead. 

10. Finally, WRITE “BAD” THINGS. This is something I’m still really, really struggling with. It’s very much connected to #7, but try to let yourself accept what you’ve produced at a certain point. Doing that will, in time, help you produce more things in the first place. The author who obsesses over writing the perfect paragraph is unlikely to get to the second... and writing the second paragraph is what’s going to help them develop the skills to make the first paragraph better. Put aside the perfectionism. I’m currently trying to do that with my original work. I have lots of ideas for flash fiction and, like you, I know precisely what will happen in them... but I struggle to actually write the stupid things. I’ve recognized that a lot of that difficulty stems from how bad I perceive them to be. When a story doesn’t sound like that flash fiction with the national award attached to it my brain goes, “Well, looks like we’re trash! Time to stop writing forever and ever 🙃” At some point you’ve just got to take a mental broom and beat that bastard voice into the back of your mind, far enough to start writing again. Try to accept that no, our prose probably won’t win any awards. Also try to accept that hey, someday maybe it will. But neither can be reality until we actually write the story. So one of these days I’ll set a goal for a flash fiction, finish it, post it here for you masses to judge, and try to shrug off all the scary feelings that come with that. Every good writer has to write a LOT of bad stuff in order to start producing something decent, let alone good... so let yourself do that. The more we can concentrate on why we want to write, rather than those “Ugh this description isn’t good enough” or “I can’t even get 500 words done” feelings, the more we create a situation where, in time, we will write astounding descriptions and far more than 500 words. 

All of which is much MUCH easier said than done. But I hope this helps at least a little, anon! 💜

[hir-nin-thranduil]

RPing The Elvenking

"Elves marry for love, or at least with free will from both parties, typically early in life. Monogamy is practiced and adultery is unthinkable.[3]:229 By their very nature, they are "seldom swayed by the desires of the body" or influenced by lust.[2]:211 They marry only once for it was ruled by Manwë that, "'since the Elves are by nature permanent in life within Arda, so also is their unmarred marriage.'"[4]:225 Finwë, first High King of the Noldor, was an exception. After his first wife died, from passing the majority of her life into Fëanor,[5]:237 and refused to be re-embodied, Finwë was permitted to marry again. This was pronounced by Námo as the 'Doom of Finwë and Míriel'.[4]:226" (Reference: http://tolkiengateway.net/wiki/Elven_life_cycle)

Since 95% of my RP requests revolve around potential romance, I thought it important to post this blog. To be clear, I’m not trying to imply that I won’t write love stories and the like. If we can't live out our fantasies in Roleplay, than where can we?

My purpose is to forewarn any interested parties that it's not going to be easy. Not only because of the Lore posted above, but because Thranduil has heaps of emotional baggage. The death of his wife shattered him...and Elves can literally die from grief. "For the Elves die not till tile world dies, unless they are slain or waste in grief." (The Silmarillion). I think The Elvenking found the will to survive, not only for his people and his kingdom, but more importantly, his son.

That being said, it's damn hard for me to imagine that Thranduil is in any hurry to put himself in a position where that could happen again. Plus, there is the shadow of his late wife to consider, his obvious love and devotion to her could cause him to feel that he’s betraying her memory. There’s also a great deal of guilt because he most likely feels responsible for her death. This is of course my own brain dribble. I don't believe his wife is even mentioned in the original lore. But according to the films she died as a prisoner at Gundabad. If anyone doesn't think he feels responsible for being unable to rescue her, then they just don't know Thranduil.

Why do we think he's so obsessed with reclaiming the Gems of Lasgalen? Sure, they're heirlooms of his people and probably worth quite a lot...but Elves aren't greedy or concerned with material gain. These gems were basically stolen from him when he commissioned a necklace for his wife....and in his mind, they sort of represent the last link he has to her - particularly that necklace. He couldn't rescue her, but perhaps he could rescue those gems. It’s symbolic and psychological. It is for this reason that I believe he is willing to go to war over something like this and risk the lives of himself and his warriors.

That's also probably why his grudge against the Dwarves is so intense that he refused to help during their time of great need. He warned Thror of "what his greed would summon" (AKA: A Dragon). So he probably felt that they got what they deserved. Plus I really don't think Thranduil is in any hurry to go up against another dragon after the injuries he suffered in the past. 

Since he was somehow unable to rescue his late wife, he may also feel that he deserves the loneliness and isolation that he now endures, simply because he could not/did not save her. Which is another reason he may choose to actually deprive himself of the solace he might find with a new lover.

Also, I don't control my muses...they call the shots. I honestly can't guarantee much of anything...except perhaps angsty feelz and lots of sarcasm. My advice? Well, The Elvenking is over 7,500 years old. There's probably almost nothing he hasn't already seen and done. Most of his life is probably a blur of repetition. Conventional Beauty alone just isn't going to cut it....I mean, he's surrounded by other gorgeous Elves all the time. If a character has any hope of attracting his attention and interest, they're going to have to be unique and/or stir something deep within his soul.

Also...I know there are a lot of people who like to imagine Thranduil with a human lover. As I mentioned earlier, the grief from losing his wife nearly killed him...so why would he ever choose to go through that again...particularly with someone who's guaranteed to die? "A hundred years is a mere blink in the life of an Elf"....his words, not mine.

On the flip side of this, if anyone is curious about why I AM willing to lorebend and write romance/erotica with Thranduil in spite of all the evidence against it's likelihood:

Well, Elves are meant to be incredibly wise and much more advanced than other peoples of Middle Earth, therefore I'm inclined to feel that they're probably more progressive than their Old Fashioned Christian creator originally intended. I of course, say this with the utmost respect and admiration for J.R.R. Tolkien and his legacy. He's one of my personal heroes, and as you can clearly see, I'm a huge fan/nerd.

As we all know, Peter Jackson and his crew took plenty of liberties and bent/broke the original lore. The Elvenking we know and love from the films is quite different from one we read about in the books. He's also inspired by Thingol, and to a lesser extent, Fëanor (the Gems of Lasgalen were said to be loosely inspired by the Silmarils). Anyway, as a fellow writer/creative person, I guess I feel justified in doing the same as long as it is in the interest of good storytelling and fun RP, while also within reason. I enjoy writing romance as much as anyone else.

There are obviously purists and others who would disagree with me, and that's fine. This is just my personal stance. Feel free to contact me with questions or concerns. 

Thanks for reading.

P.S. AUs are an unconventional method of writing romance with Thranduil. This blog refers to when I write him strictly canon.