#IM JUST. MAKING SHIT UP BC ITS NOT PHYSICAL
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hngg. every once in a while i feel like i get a rush of adrenaline for absolutely no reason as all while im just sitting. doing nothing. its so fucking impossible to get my mom to understand it. i want this to stop i want to be normal please i dont want this
#coyote growls#when i look it up all i get is “panic attack” but im not panicked? im just like. really fucking. feel like im going to throw my computer#and scream#but i cant#so i just start shaking a little bit#and have a ton of intrusive thoughts abt doing those things#this is usually when i get into a fight with my mom and sometimes have a meltdown cause I CANT FUCKING EXPLAIN IT#i dont know why i get violent impulses i really dont know why i'm not trying to be this way#I HATE WHEN I TRY TO TELL HER I DONT FEEL GOOD BUT SHE THINKS#IM JUST. MAKING SHIT UP BC ITS NOT PHYSICAL
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How did you manage to handle not one, but FOUR separate accounts in fl? I recently made the account for my HD little guy but having to do the tutorial again just seems miserable
there's... weirdly several answers to that question, actually??
a HUGE part of it is due to the way FL is structured. the 10-minute action timer is a core part of the game on a fundamental level, and the fact that i can very easily run out of stuff to do on one character and thus have an excuse to quickly and easily swap to another is just... convenient? satisfying? i'm not entirely sure how to explain it. the fact that i can make progress even while i am fundamentally simultaneously Not Making Progress is like pure dopamine for my freak insane awful little brain. there's just something really pleasing about spending all of my actions pursuing The Goal Of The Day™ on one account before casually swapping to another and doing the same without feeling like i'm wasting time or acting to the first account's explicit detriment. the downtime helps! the recharge time helps! the structure really really works!!
i'm technically only actively playing three, maybe two accounts minimum. the only reason the fourth (the one that'll be my future BaL playthrough) currently exists at all is so i can get his earlygame completely out of the way now and not have to waste time running through it all later, when what i actually want to do is play the ambition i've made myself wait a full year to play. and also getting free goodies as seasonal stuff happens,, something something surprise tools to help us later. the only two accounts i'd say i'm really "actively playing" at the moment are caeru and lark- and of the two, lark takes the most priority, since his ambition is the one i'm currently pursuing in earnest. for a couple months now- despite being My Main FL Character- the scoundrel has actually been pretty inactive on a gameplay front outside of the occasional progression in TLC and discordance content. purely by virtue of having Very little left to do outside of Very long-term grinds and vanities. they're in their "now what?" "now you can start playing the game" era. they've graduated to previous protagonist background cameo in a sequel anime series. they're like the yin FLPC equivalent of red at the top of mount silver. they're Literally just vibing rn. i only keep posting about them regardless because i'm insane and i will never ever ever ever ever let that bat go. but yeah, big TLDR, outside of doing the bare minimum to keep making waves/notability up every week, i'm not actually spending that much time on accounts i'm not currently actively interested in playing. and that accounts for way more gaming spoons than you might think.
i have a virtually lifelong history of playing MMOs, especially and specifically world of warcraft. i was born in the endless grind for useless video game pixel vanities and/or bragging rights. molded by it. you all have merely adapted to doing the same piece of content a pointlessly excessive amount of times for literally no reason besides whimsy and folly. me? i've done my time. i've served my sentence. i've spent weeks doing the original burning crusade netherwing dailies. i've devoted days to running praetorium over and over and over again, back-to-back, nonstop, long before square enix cut it in half and made it NOT take at minimum an hour and a half per run. i've perfected my silverwastes + auric basin goldfarming strategies. i've (almost) crafted dragonwrath tarecgosa's rest. i've killed the sha of anger so many times its dying scream of agony is embedded into the very fabric of my being. ""only"" doing making your name content four times over? that is nothing to me. it means nothing to me. it is so infinitesimal i can do the persuasive seduction quests in my sleep. it's not a matter of handling misery, or having the capacity, or even sighing as i remember the brass embassy raid segment of the watchful questline seriously i don't know why i keep forgetting that exists or what even is my problem with it i just am so consistently mildly inconvenienced by it and its highly specific resource requirements and it is the worst thing ever. maybe i'm just so used to the scoundrel's near-infinite money and troves of disposable items that i've completely forgotten what being poor is like. despite having done that step 3 fucking times now. ahem. anyway. i have transcended the feeble mortal bindings of my resistant-to-grinding flesh and ascended to a higher plane of enlightenment, they may call me insane but they will be the ones left laughing when they see what that "insanity" has wrought, i've usurped them, i've usurped them all-
hacks and coughs and awkwardly clears my throat. i mean. uh. um. Ahem.
the empress' court artistry + tales of the university nerfs helped too.
#and yes#before you ask#i have forgotten which account has which items/has done which content many a time#i think the most painful incident was forgetting to keep up the scoundrel's making waves while i was still playing nemesis with caeru#given that im trying to build it up to 12 and reset their specialization... that was uniquely painful#then again they have like 40 BDR so it wasnt actually that inconveniencing lmao#fallen london#ask#long post#sorry for the infodump + sudden villain monologue.#all jokes and personal accounts aside i totally get the apprehension abt doing that stuff again#it's not for everyone. not by a long shot.#im only doing this because im genuinely invested and in love with this silly little browser game#and way back when i started i made a (only half metaphorical) solemn oath to experience all of its ''main stories''#and truly see everything it has to offer#(bc i like. physically cant do hyperfixations by halves. i need to consume Everything abt the thing or i'll explode)#(and even then i'll probably explode anyway. it's either completely drop it or go All In until it stops taking up so much space in my brain#(and. given the track record. that is not happening with FL for a while yet)#but like. that isnt actually normal behavior. just. just to clarify.#from what ive seen a VAST majority of people do not go out of their way to play literally every ambition#and that is so valid. it is so overwhelming. you have to juggle so much.#you have to play the earlygame So Many Goddamn Times.#(as i said. served my time. did my sentence. i am my scars. etc etc)#the best advice i can give as someone who's so completely desensitized to that repetition it doesnt even phase me anymore?#the same advice i can stress to all FL players. legitimately just take ur time with it. play when you want to.#dont when you dont.#sometimes you have to grit your teeth and bear things. and when it comes to alts you Will have to grit your teeth and bear it all again#but the beauty of this being a game that one plays for fun is that unlike. say. crushing deadlines or annoying coworkers in real life#you are completely within your power to decide when where and if you want to grit and bear it all#..wow this is ADVANCED yin rambling holy shit. i actually reached the tag limit. i think this ask should be put on some kind of list
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Chapter 18: Two's Company
You know what they say about best-laid plans.
#frequency fic#too many thads au#thaddeus thawne#thad thawne#inertia#bart allen#impulse#dc#*clapping hands rapidly* speedster fights!!!! speedster fights!!!! boy they are fast and they sure do fight!!!!#whoever came up with the speedster powerset i just wanna talk#every fight scene i write for this fic makes me feel like im trying to do quantum physics in my head#like its great and i love it but holy shit#character tree art will be coming with the next installment bc this chapter had to be split in half#also happy new year!!
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god i wish i wasnt like such a complete failure at actually interacting with people i dont think theres a way to fix it at this point
#i left most of the servers i was in bc i never talked and tbh felt like a lot of the ppl didn't rlly like me a lot of the time#every time i stg i try so fucking hard and then something just has to ruin it and its usually my fault and i just like cant recover it#it just permanently taints anything to do with that attempt at connection and im just left with nothing bc i end up associating everything -#- with failure and shame to the point where i just cant stand it anymore and get so anxious i make myself physically ill#ive always been so behind at social skills bc like even as a kid nobody fucking liked me and i just kinda internalized that#i just keep fucking it up bc i never got to learn all that shit ur supposed to learn as a little kid and the older i get the worse it is -#- for me to not know any of that. just gets more unacceptable and shit. first time i got to actually socialize was creepy discord server so#you can probably guess how that went. every example ive gotten has just been horrible and i dont want to end up doing that#but i don't know how to do it right either so i just kinda try to avoid interacting at all with anyone bc i know ill fuck up
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light emeto warning
#man i was all excited to talk about how today at work i felt the most supported ive ever felt at work#and how good of a day i had. i didnt even throw up today#but problems with partner are growing still. he simply doesnt care about me much lately. like#he keeps drinking my pedialyte while im at work. which i need for after work when im dehydrated because i cant keep water down at work#because i throw it up if i drink more than a few sips here and there#and he just drinks it and he knows i cant drive. so i cant just go and replace it. he doesnt replace it. i have to get more delivered.#he also indirectly but very clearly puts down anything creative i do. whether its a drawing or a video or whatever. anything i make.#like. thats just some examples of late. its not worth continuing to talk about. its really wearing on me. im worn down.#to touch on the good things at work. a lot of instances of silent love. it was wonderful. idk if anyone besides my managers and#like 3 coworkers have heard that i havent been feeling good. but ive had so much help lately. i felt like a princess LOL#like 6'5 guy who i dont interact with much did some of my work when i wasnt even around and he couldve just clocked out instead#a lot of people just being proactive and nice to me... its strange in a way because im kind of the#Fully Aware and On Top of things person although ill delegate when necessary#but for the most part im kinda just like... the person who knows a lot and picks up the slack with a smile lol. so its been nice.#and then my manager called a face i was making (i thought it was a neutral expression) adorable... i dont get many physical compliments...#the disconnect is wild lol. its kind of hard on my psyche ngl.#the positive stuff at work is hard for me to process bc im not good with compliments. im learning though.#and so that in itself takes some brain power and rewiring how i think about things. but then the lack of care from him#its familiar! but its painful too. so thats a different set of mental skills i have to implement.#so im doing both of these at the same time and its like im going crazy lol shit is DIRE
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Looking at my joan jett vinyl picture discs and thinking about how any kpop company could make the fattest stacks from vinyl releases
#its good they dont like they make too much shit already#BUT like known for gimmicks? known for fans not actually listening to physical cds? oh vinyl would suit them lmao#im always a bitch about fake vinyl bitches tho im sorry but the amount of people who dont even have a player but ended up making the#actual vintage lp market unbearably expensive bc suddenly after 2014 all the hipsters wanted vinyls and my ass who was collecting since i#was a kid has seen firsthand how stupid it became bc ppl sell literally unplayable trash copies for so much money just bc theyre an origina#and its like... but the sleeve is in shit condition and the album doesnt play so why tf would anyone buy that for 80 dollars#but stupid ppl do though <3 so what im sayin is collecting vinyls is already ruined so skz ruin it more.... let me add to my collection lma#sorry for the bitch tangent. dont ever ask me my thoughts on thrifting either lmao
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ok fine im a bit pissy
I did not spend HOURS of EVERY DAY this week, most often WELL AFTER MIDNIGHT
doing things for certain types of encampment that I CANT TALK ABT ON SOCIAL MEDIA ON RISK OF SELF-INCRIMINATION
to be palestine-guilted over MEMEING ABOUT MISHA COLLINS
I did not WORK MYSELF TO EXHAUSTION
face *REDACTED* and *REDACTED*
to be told that my HAPPY LITTLE FANDOM POSTING on a site with NO FINANICAL OR ALGORITHMIC SIGNIFICANCE TO CELEBRITIES somehow undoes alllll of that.
is this a good post? no. does it apply to a lot of ppl? prolly not. could I lose followers/moots for this? yeah.
but its what I'm feeling rn.
#literally the only reason im not holding the line rn is bc im actively physically ill#gods forbid that when im miserable abt not being able to help. some fantastic tumblr bs occurs to cheer me up#misha collins#misha fucking collins#like i dont even support him! why do ppl think memes = “i support this person and all their beliefs”#also its fucked up that “palestine-guilted” is even a THING. either say shit that contributes to real information spreading/activism/etc#or gtfo the movement. like this is so unserious in the worst possible way#sorry im probably going to get so much hate on this post I'm just. tired. and angry.#i keep saying this but every time you want to make a post shaming ppl on tumblr for supporting a celeb/public figure over this issue....#ask yourself why you aren't using that time and energy to make change in a way that matters.#yall clearly are angry for the right reasons and have really good hearts. but this aint it. ppl online arent gonna care and these actors+#dont know you exist and likely never will.
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every time im in front i can just Feel like pretty much Everybody else in-sys just staring at me like prairie dogs ready to be alerted to any sign of anxiety
#its. mildly unnerving#that. might be contributing to how i obscure front a lot now that i think abt it. scopophobia system-wide and all.#its. a little odd. being.. Maybe the only one in front rotation with a whole lot of anxiety and Definitely the only one with self-hatred?#like it's just new for our system. its really strange to me feeling like the odd one out here#which like. overall? net positive. good thing for us#way way more of us to focus energy on helping others feel better#much smaller percentage of front time spent feeling like shit (emotionally. physical complications notwithstanding)#but also like#growing up and like. now especially as an adult#we've noticed well-adjusted people so often just HATE people with a lot of depression or anxiety or trauma#so our instinct is to Avoid people like that because. none of them have ever understood or cared or were willing to try at all in the past#so like why would it be different now#which. gets in the way of us making friends a lot tbh. we need more friends in a similar state of recovery as us#like. not still in the bad in a way that would very very easily make us spiral bc we overly try to help at our own detriment#but also not so well adjusted that a few bad days or relapsing doesn't ruin the friendship#but like that instinct we have. i keep applying it to my system mates;;;;;#even though they've shown me over and over and over that they care a lot and want to help as much as possible#i just. i can't. i can't accept it. i can't feel comfortable with it#im too neurotic
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i finally got my adhd med dosage worked out and also for like the first time since upping the dosage actually managed to take it consistently long enough for it to actually kick in over the last few weeks and god damn. that shit is magic.
#im on the non-stimulant version bc the stimulant ones were too up-and-down for me#so they kinda act like how ssri meds do in terms of slow buildup#but now that I'm there its!!! insane!!!#I've been falling asleep just when I'm tired which I just am totally unable to do normally#I woke up before my alarm today and was like maybe I'll take a shower!! in the MORNING! as soon as I woke up!!!!#and left on time for my appointment w time to spare - then instead of going home after having accomplished the one (1) task for the day#i voluntarily just went and did MORE things. like. for FUN. and didnt have to force myself and be like 'you'll enjoy it once you're there'#then I finished doing fun things at the river with the dog and was like. yknow what? I'm gonna be productive and work on the car.#and I DID. then hung out and socialized and watched a movie after?#at this point this is 4 WHOLE THINGS in one day????? and it wasnt prescheduled and I did it all because I just felt like it#I am fucking astounded. I am going to do everything possible to make sure I don't fall off meds again bc like. this shit is lifechanging#as long as I'm not physically too tired I'm actually looking forward to doing more tomorrow too#like. god damn. not having to force myself to do things that logically I know I enjoy and just being able to DO them is insane#I'm gonna go to the weekly farmers market next week and pick up veggies. and then make something with them.#⭐✨magic✨⭐
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Mental illness is insane I'm just having dinner w my father eating this a little too spicy pasta enjoying the Yeowch on my throat and the silence and suddenly I'm like yeah I'd kill myself.
#luly talks#i mean it came from out of nowhere grieving but it's so bizarre#like i just got hit by this very heavy rock in my skull this overwhelming and genuine urge for a second that yeah that'd be ok#that's the correct path to take and there's no physical changes i just kept on chewing on my all too spicy bc he used the wrong condiments#pasta. like sure i was a little zoned out maybe if you paid close attention you'd have seen my eye getting lazy or something but like. thats#it. and i always in zoning out#like this wasn't even an intrusive thought those come out of nowhere and just are echoing chambers of fear and shame#this was a calm resolution like yeah. that's the way to go alright.#y'know kind of unrelated but i always wish i had someone to talk about some mental health things i cant w my therapist#more on the speculative diagnosis thing. if you dont know what i mean shame on you for not keeping up with the Luly lore /silly#it's really hard being neurodivergent and im not talking about autism rn that i can manage but gestures vaguely its hard when it's#a group project. it's hard when everything is so fuzzy#because sometimes i tell myself i only think of this bc im all day alone and thinking but like#what. am i supposed to be getting non stop stimuli 24/7 least i realize i hsve something in my skull going on?#i blame my mother for that one she always made me ashamed of being sick or whatever acting like it was my fault#like me noticing symptoms was equivalent to me making them real#as if that wasn't just absurd like. the symptoms are here you twat. I'm not placebo effecting myself w shit#even the ppl who do like. the symptoms are real.#aaahhh siiiiigh yet another common L#brain stuff
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Does Jiro has ghost like abilities (possession, ability to levitate things, etc etc) or does she just live in Shiro's head?
when i created this au, i thought the best option would be for her to be unable to interact with the physical world in any way(including possesion), beacuse i really wanted to lean into her isolation and how it affects her....... and while thats something i still want to emphasise here, lately ive been toying with the idea of jiro being able to impact the physical world somehow(though it still being fairly limited). i think letting her have some control could have a lot of potential! buuuut i also have no idea what abilities i want her to have lol
For now i think im not gonna give her any telekinetic abilities, bc i feel like it would be giving her too much power......... if she could throw shit, shed go APESHIT with it. it would made things too easy for her. i'm sorry babygirl but i'm NOT giving you the possibilty to throw knives and other sharp objects, i dont trust you to not kill someone:/
i really like the idea of her being able to temporarily posses her old body in certain circumstances tho- maybe when shiros uncouncious?? or like when hes is very tired or heavily injured she can kind of 'squeeze through' and take control back for a few minutes???? idk. i think this could be a very cool ability to give her- it cant be frequently used but can also be very helpful, and also theres so much potential for ✨shenanigans✨here>:) oh god i could put these fuckers in so many Situations with this..........
uhhh. so basically i think all of her influence on the physical world are through shiro. shes here bc of her connection to her old body, and thus its the only way for her to interact with anyone besides him- and shes NOT HAPPY about this(neither is shiro).
#ask#thank you for this ask!! it made me think more in depth about jiros abilities and come up with this so thanks<33333#if you have any ideas pls share them with me cause im still not really 100% set on everything lol#also im making a new tag for this au ->#two disasters au#bc. theres two of them.. and theyre both Mentally Unwell#also im gonna use this ask as an excuse to ramble about jiros motivation and character a bit-#okay. so i feel like the most importrant things about jiro are her tunnel vision and self-rightiousness#she gets really focused on one thing at a time and then fixates on it so much that she doesnt see how her behavior affects others#so when she gets evicted from her own body her first reaction isnt 'oh god this is such a messed up and dehumanizing thing to do to your#friend. what the FUCK guys'#its instead 'oh COME ON how am i supposed to be the black paladin without a physical body??? what the FUCK guys'#and bc deep down she KNOWS that if she ever stopped and thought about her situation for like 5 seconds shed just fuckin BREAK. so. she#doesnt do that.#and bc her self worth hinges on being the black paladin#she is really protective of tha title and tries her hardest to make sure shiro knows just how much better at paladin-ing she is than him#and that he wouldnt be able to keep the role without her help#she doesnt have any sense of personhood besides her job and so she clings to it desperately#the same applies to her gender#when jiro gets a new body(did i mention that???? i feel like i forgot to mention that. whoopsie???) he#(sometimes im gonna use he/him for jiro for when im showing things from a certain characters perspective cause thats what pronouns#she was using at the time)(if thats not okay i can stop tho) was trying very hard to pretend that hes just Shiro No. 2 and nothing more#to kinda 'make things easier for everyone' and bc he could FEEL the gender crisis approaching and was just. dead set on ignoring it and#hoping those feelings would go away(spoiler- they very much didnt. it just made things so so much Worse)#so anyway. basically jiro is a person obsesed with being Good Enough and respected but also lacks the experience patience and foresight#wnich results in her ignoring everyone and everything else to focus on doing her job Correctly#does this makes sense?? im still figuring shit out with her but thats what ive got rn
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Side tangent unrelated to my other delusions i just wanna ramble lol
Its MY blog i can do what i want lol
I RAN OUTTA TAGS OH WELL STORYTIME OVER LOL
#she speaks!#idk if you remember when i was doing bad™ a little bit ago and i said i wished k had just been in love with me way back when#after ww it really solidified for me that shes not what im looking for in a relationship lol#like yeah i was down bad my senior year but girl it was cope and delusions okay lol that was never gonna work you dumb lesbian#(its me im the dumb lesbian)#she doesnt dance!! girl i love dancing i need somebody whos gonna dance#like she stood there the whole concert like yeah ik she didn't know any ww songs at all but still#and like the entire drive there and back we listened to the same like two hours worth of songs#psychological torture if i wasnt so locked in and focused on making sure i wasnt responsible for the deaths of some of my closest friends i#would have lost it okay like bruh#and she hates physical touch#girl that is literally 50% of my love language#(ik love languages arent real and were made up by a pos leave me aloneeeee its my two am ramble timeeeee)#the other 50% is acts of service i was meant to be someones knight their loyal dog#riza hawkeye camilla hect type shit okay#dawg what am i sayin lol#yall really just let me come on here and say shit and none yall go mia please for the love shut the fuck up lol#side note side note yup we got tangents inside of tangents now ive been watching so much drag race its not even funny#ive seen 9 10 and 11 and omg sasha velour i love you sasha velourrrrr yvie oddly my beloved#MISS VANJIE MISS VANJIEEE i love her too shes so stupid lol#and i love telling my dad about it cuz at first he was like why are you watching drag race gross but now he like engages with me while i#ramble and i asked him y and hes like idk you tell a good story and youre excited about it what am i supposed to do#and idk it made me really happy#but drag race is also great for making small talk with gay people hello my fellow queers lol#like the highlight of my dad is coming home and watching my two episodes of drag race ive watched three seasons in two weeks thats#impressive for me it took me over a year to watch all of bcs and that is like in my top shows of all time#erm what else#e is also boring to take to a concert or really anywhere lol#stood behind me and k the whole time did not have an opion ever did not dance seemed afraid to be out in public#its just wild to me kid never shuts up on discord calls and you take him outside and he pisses himself
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im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit
#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life#its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help#and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen.#if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning#thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods!#namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety#and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen#until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again#these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working#im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever.#like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will????#and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED#after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that.#anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now.#(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status.#shits weird.
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:p
#bro i started the g/reat big beautifuI life audio book on spotify which i already kinda feel iffy abt bc i doubt spotify is like#great on the business side for having audiobooks there :|#(but idk anywhere else i can get it this month anywhere else besides buying it and im not doing that LMAO)#and i only decided to because the book club for my apt building is reading that this month#even tho the book club isnt even meeting in person anymore lol but i was kinda like might as well#but also im already going into it being like i dont rly want to read this LOL TT#im trying to be open minded and its not like the first chapter was incredibly bad or anything to me it's just i'm in a fantasy mood rn#i also havent read any adult contemporary romance and i just wnet to log it on storygraph and fable and i just saw it says its spicy lmao :#idk why i didnt like assume it was . bc of what seems to be the Thing rn being romantasy and romance and stuff#and emiIy henry being so popular i know for romance books#which is all fine. it's just not for me so i have even less interest in reading it now tho lol TT#sigh. idk. i listened to 20 mins of it i could keep going#i also think i def have a bit of like overexposure bias or whatever like bc it's soooo popular im like :|#not that i rly know anything abt emiIy henrys books i just see them on every book ig reel i see lmao#ok this is also like . abt me identifying as aroace but also not being fully 100% 'comfortable' w that yet idk#im comfortable w it in that i dont ever think abt romance and shit and my friends never talk abt it either so its like irrelevant to my lif#but the fact that these romance focused things r sooooo popular and like whenever it does come up it makes me wonder#if im just closing myself off by identifying as aroace and i dont actually know bc ive never experienced it#even w smut and stuff i just dont rly want to read it so i literally never do i mostly come across in fic and i just scroll thru it#so sometimes im like idk if it's just avoidance yk instead of actually being aroace bro y are there SO MANY FRUIT FLIES IN MY FAMILYS HOUSE#idk what my point here is LMFAO maybe i should just go reread loveless and dear wendy :D#anyway we'll see maybe i'll look up how spicy the book is like more specifically#im honestly totally fine w not reading it for this book club too like again the book club is . barely active ppl dont even show up in perso#so they cancelled the inp erson part LMFAO but it would be nice to talk abt smth w ppl who go to the other events and virtually on fable#ig also a part of this weird internal conflict is bc of how popular these types of books r it makes me feel like i shud be interested#when i am not interested in that lol at least not rn#maybe i should just go upstairs and get into the invisibIe life of addie Iarue which is waiting on my bedroom floor lol#or six of c/rows . which i am eyeing for a reread :| even tho i need to read physical tbr books or the new authors im getting into#i shouldnt force myself to read gbbI if im not interested....... i'll listen to the second chapter now ig idk its whatever we will see lol#jeanne talks
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i probably wont be super on tumblr for a little while til the ui gets fixed among other things
#aria talkz#my timeline.. home page.. whatever u call it has been really. eh. for months. so it also makes my motivation less to check up on tumblr#and any time games industry discourse is at its peak it pisses me off bc its all super annoying to have my tl full of LOL#and the degradation (?) of physical media. mmh. clicks tongue. i just wish people would criticize the industry as a whole instead of like#going after nintendo n its games specifically Which is not painting them as good. idgaf . just like. criticize all of it .#( the prices are insane though i will agree and some of the decisions but damn every other point is super annoying to me#like shut uuup shut uuuup i dont care you are all obnoxious even if the points are correct . So i have to avoid tumblr for a bit. )#but also; tariffs. doesnt excuse the other shit but ppl complaining ab the console itselfs pricing confuses me? the game cartridges however#and the way theyre handling the.. upgrades and transfer stuff etc etc..#generally so much of my opinion on other peoples opinions are just how theyre worded or if theyre corny or annoying or obnoxious#then i hate them or think its annoying . even if i agree w the point. classics of internet.#hyperbolic opinions and Posting is just annoying to me as a whole and thats like half of the internet LOL#edit; after thinking ab it for a little while i dont think ill be getting the switch 2 immediately until a few things#a; preferably the price drops b; they make other looks for it bc i dont like the default#c; until i have space and feel like i actually need it bc for now im just treating it as an HD switch. Bc it essentially is#Til more games are on it and til i actually feel like its worth it bc i wanted to get it just for .. HD legends za i guess#thats not worth it and would also be annoying and i assume i wouldnt be able to too comfortably like#half-and-half using the switch and switch 2 bc memberships would probably Not apply to both unless i switched to family ig but i feel#like they would not let u have two nintendo accs on diff systems. maybe they do idk point is itd still be cumbersome until i want to like#fully move to switch 2 probably a while from now.
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it's thinking abt my Shepard o clock
#i have no one to talk to who care abt m4ss 3ff3ct n its all i think abt lately#my ins0mnia has been especially bad lately n rn im going on over 38 hr awake on top of my average 4 hours of sleep#idk i lost count its 4am n if im not falling asleep within the jext hour ish im#getting up n im gonna start writing more on her post canon story which is just me processing shit through a proxy like i would as a kid#surprisingly productive how im able to actually put stuff into words as soon as i dont need to put i in front of it#anyway <3 working hard to relearn how to be cringe n free again#jackie rambles#just kinda need the ear ringing n heart palpitations n shakiness to stop bcs i cant sleep or do anything n i hate being forced to do nothin#like other than my heart throwing a fit n making me think i might die bcs it goes on for hours#that shit is just so distracting. like why is it loud n i can feel it in my entire body im too autistic for thos#give me physical pain over bad discomfort thank u#LIKE MY TEETH R VIBRATING actual sensory hell
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