#Lizards gave basics then humans are supposed to work from here?

[randomnameless]

Thinking about magic in FE16, thanks to a SF post :

The TC in that post went by the basis that Archanea/Jugdral/Valentia mechanics about magic applied to Fodlan, which I personally don’t believe.

In the Naga verse, magic is tied to spirits/faeries living in the land.

However, in FE16, I think it is tied to Sothis and Nabateans.

Macuil’s bio hails him as a pioneering figure for and master of the magical arts. Does it mean that before Macuil, no one knew how to use magic in Fodlan ? Or they might have known some stuff, but Macuil theorised it.

Still, Morfis is known around as being that “metropolis of magic”. Did they learn their own way to perform magic, using another source? And yet, the Morfis squad we can recruit wears the traditional agarthian get-up (iirc?) so Agarthians went there to build their city or, the devs forgot about coding a specific get up for some battalions (kuddos for the mittelfrank one though i love it). 

Or maybe their knowledge of magic predates the Nemesis era, and one random Nabatean, just like Aubin who went in Dagda, decided to form a colony in Morfis and teach humans about magic. Maybe that random who went in Morfis was Macuil, idk.

Bar Morfis, we do not know if any other places outside of Fodlan developped magical arts, and if they developped it on their own or were helped, at the foundation, by a Nabatean.

Back to magic, the SF topic went on a recurrent take, saying that people who sucked in the Faith branch of magic didn’t have any attachment to the Church or didn’t believe in Sothis.

However, while I don’t know and can’t say why this branch of magic is called “Faith”, Linhardt, in his Flayn support, actually calls is “white magic” (idk how it is called in the jp script though!)

Linhardt: You are quite skilled in white magic, yes? My understanding is that you have a very high affinity for the art. Flayn: Yes, I do. I am confident in my abilities. I am glad of my abilities, for it is a way in which I am able to help others.

White magic is, per Flayn, a magic able to help others, or to support them. I know we have offensive white magic spells, but they kind of suck compared to “reason/black magic” ones. Maybe because the basis of white magic is to support, so using it to attack is a sort of failed hybridization of white and black magic.

It is also interesting because Linhardt, nerd as he is, knows that “Faith magic” is the same thing as “White Magic” and calls it by its name “white magic”.

So while “white magic” was turned into “faith magic”, someone’s proficiency to “white magic” isn’t really based on “Faith” or if you really love the Church and believe in the Goddess - else you’d have to make a case that Seteth doesn’t really believe in his mom because he doesn’t have “Faith” proficiency while Flayn does.

In Annette and Sylvain’s support chain, we see how Annette learns magic through formulas, and when someone uses magic (white and dark), we can see a weird vertical (?) circle, with I suppose, those formulas, being cast. When someone uses dark magic, the circle appears too, but on the ground, circling the caster, not in the air. 

Dark Magic being associated with Agarthians, it might be a remnant of the good’ol days where Nabateans and humans worked together, they taught Agarthians how to use magic, and those guys customized it (to use the more powerful dark magic).

(Funny how one can suppose that if FE16 mages don’t use tomes, maybe in the other verses the formulas are inscribed on tomes?)

Agartha uses of magi-tech (some sort of magic + technology) is also shown in the Titanus who, despite attacking on physical defense unlike their Nabatean counterparts, also have an Aegis shield to reduce ranged damages (a more practical version of the anti-magic armor the Nabateans equipped their golems with). With magical basic teachings provided by Nabateans, humans managed to develop their own brand of magic.

Following this, it means that without Nabateans/Sothis and her lizards, there’d be no magic in FE16 (or in the Fodlan world)?

As I pointed out above, Morfis is a big question mark, and given how Nabateans scattered around the world per the devs, I cannot affirm that humans managed to discover/find/use magic on their own or not.

Still, we have two instances where it is suggered that Nabateans have a special relation to magic and/or are pure magical being.

First, in CF’s last chapter, again with one of Linhardt’s comments:

Linhardt: What? Her howl as unadulterated magic. I didn't know such a display of power was possible.

Rhea’s roar is “unadultered magic” meaning 1) Linhardt thinks magic exist in both forms, adultered and unadultered, the adultered version is the one humans use? He thought it was impossible to “display” this power, unadultered magic + 2) if a roar can covey “pure” magic to golems, either Nabateans can master magic very well and this was the only way Rhea found to power up far away golems, or, most plausible, a Nabatean is a magical being, its roars are pure magic and its blood is a catalyst to enable people to use magic?

Which brings me to the second point, Hanneman (Linhardt’s teacher!) and Alois’ support convo:

Hanneman: Well, if I'm completely honest, you're less of a student and more of an experiment. You have no Crest, but you might be able to learn magic... despite our early results. And the potential magical ability of those who lack a Crest is precisely what I hope to research. Alois: That's a surprise. A Crest scholar researching people without Crests? Hanneman: When studying Crests, it is also important to understand the effects of their absence. After all, the very reason for all of my research is to grant the power of a Crest to anyone who desires it. If it is in fact possible to increase the magical potential of people lacking a Crest, then I find myself one step closer to my goal. Hence my experiments with you are quite valuable to my research. Alois: Ah, that's wonderful! What a great man you are, Professor Hanneman. Truly, a man among men! Why, if I could prove it's possible to use magic without a Crest, what an honor that would be! Please, use me as you see fit! I won't let you down, I promise!

Crestless people have more difficulties to learn magic to the point where Alois claims that he’d be honoured to demonstrate that it’s possible to use magic without a crest.

It’d go with Macuil and the Nabateans’ motto of helping humans to use magic - for every humans, not for the few ones they blood-bonded with (I don’t think they were expectig a Nemesis and his Dudes to happen). 

And yet, after the Nemesis incident, people with crests became a common-ish occurence in the world, so the paradigm shifted - magic wasn’t thought as something everyone could use, but something only crested people could use because it’s easier for them to do so because they have Nabatean DNA/blood. 

Meaning that being part Nabatean, Full-blooded Nabatean or even having a drop of their blood impacts one’s ability to use magic - it’s usage isn’t exclusively granted to crested people, but damn if it isn’t easier to use it with lizard genes. I can only hope Morfis’ people were badass normals who mastered magic without using some kind of shortcut like the people of Fodlan did.

Do we know what is the source of magic in Fodlan? Nope. I can only suppose it is tied with Nabateans, and Sothis herself.

We don’t have any clues or evidences of magic existing in Fodlan before Sothis’ fall, but we don’t know a thing about that time. Magic is used in “foreign” countries, Morfis is an exemple, but it might have been influenced by a Nabatean.

Still, given how Nabateans are “magical” beings of blood and flesh, having been created from Sothis’ own blood, Sothis herself might have been “full” of magic and magic is implicitely tied, in the continent of Fodlan, to Nabateans.

Tl;Dr : In FE16, magic comes from space.

[forsakenbysinnoh]

Random Headcannons for the Demon Bros that no one asked for.

~Lucifer~

Lucifer never refers to God by name, only ever saying "He" or "My Father".

Despite how he may act, he's proud of his brothers, of their independence and strength. His pact mark reflects that, his own star surrounded by the six of his brothers.

With that, he can also be very worried about his brothers. Being an avatar of a sin is a title that can be won. He makes sure no other demons besides his brothers hold that title.

He has a dark sense of humor that can go unnoticed or be mistaken as threats.

Despite his reputation of being controlling, he's actually rather tired of it. He was forced into this position to protect his loved ones, and to try to figure out how to function after losing the war. Sometimes a part of him wants to be told what hes supposed to do, rather than deal with the mess of making it up as he goes along.

The most scarred of the brothers, especially along his chest and back. When he has to, he hides it with illusions, otherwise he doesn't show his skin.

Takes his debts and what he owes people very seriously. It's why he rarely asks for help even in small things.

Is the only one who can force a pact on an unwilling participant.

Isn't afraid of being controlled, but is scared of losing control to the wrong person or partner. It takes a lot of trust to let him drop the reins in a relationship.

Despite turning into a wolf in the 'Paws and Claws' event, I think the best animal to represent him would be a black unicorn.

~Mammon~

Mammon can be kind of a choosing beggar.

Forgets to be empathetic sometimes and can say some callus things. Sometimes it's good as he can be an outside observer in a situation and see things objectively.

His schemes are mainly to pay off debts. No one is quite sure where he keeps accumulating so many from.

Many people call him a coward, but in reality he's a pacifist. He'd rather run than fight.

Unless you get him hot headed, in which case the gloves are off.

Despite this, he's actually one of the most powerful brothers and can usually win a fight with anyone but Lucifer.

Very agile. Is a natural at parkor and free running.

He doesn't have a high opinion of himself, and his self esteem is in the garbage.

Def has a praise kink tho.

If he's really mad at you, he'll pretend you don't exist. He's not one to get into screaming fights, but he's passive aggressive.

I think a golden dragon with a hoarding tendency fits him well lol

~Leviathan~

He's a big nerd. King of nerds. Absolutely owns it.

Levi actually draws a lot of fanart but never shows it to anyone. He's very jealous of others talent and considers his own art bad.

Def has the Devildom equivalent of Tumblr.

Sometimes can be a fandom gatekeeper/hipster. Likely stems from a place of "I liked this before it was popular and got ridiculed for it. Now it's cool and you're taking over my interest."

Super long theories on current shows with in-depth analysis and pulling info from anywhere he can. Be prepared for his cork board on FNAF.

Sometimes Levi forgets other people have feelings too, especially when he's excited about something, and hurts them by accident. Usually goes back to apologize later when he realizes.

Loves to listen to someone nerd out, even if he's not interested in their interest, he likes them and how passionate about.

He's memorized the TSL books and movies. They are his biggest passion and he loves them so much.

He's a self shipper, ships himself with his favorite wifus and husbandos (he has both) and takes those "which character are you?" Quizzes all the time.

Knows how to code and hopes to make his own game one day.

Snake tends to be the go to for Levi, and I think a lizard or another reptile makes sense. They tend to scurry away from most creature, except for those like them.

~Satan~

(My boy so I might be a little biased/rambling here)

Satan was made after Lucifer lost the war, but he started growing in Lucifer's heart before then.

Satan is the only demon/angel that was not made by God directly, and he feels that effects his relationship with others.

He's not good at empathy, and it's a skill he's still working on.

Satan was the serpent in the garden who caused Eve to fall. He thought it was very unfair that God would refuse humanity knowledge, the one thing that he values above all else.

As he was developing/learning from each of his brothers, they each gave him an item that was important to him that he still keeps. Even Lucifer.

Keeps control of his emotions which can lead to violent outbursts if pushed far enough. No one has seen him completely unhinged except Lucifer.

Loves adventure books/series, especially long ones with intricate plots. Murder mysteries are his absolute favorite. Dislikes the 'Love triangle' trope a LOT.

Likes to listen and create stories.

Very magically adept. He knows many advanced spells and always has a hunger to learn more. Probably has made quite a few spells himself.

Cat. He's a cat. There was no competition here. His spirit animal is a kitty and I love him for it.

~Asmodeus~

Asmo, despite being the avatar of lust, cares about consent a lot. He wants his partners to feel good when they're with him, not like they're afraid or helpless.

Well, unless that's your thing, in which case he'll make sure a safe word is in use ;)

Knows a lot about sex. If you have any question he will be happy to answer it without making it seem awkward or taboo. Though he will flirt and offer to show you himself.

He's very confident in his body and looks. Asmo knows he's a catch and good looking, and wants to keep it that way.

Doesn't mind showing off his scars from the war and wishes he could help Lucifer with his perception of his scars.

He will NOT have anyone body shamed in his presence.

Has ALL the gossip. He knows who's sleeping with who, what relationship drama is going down where, and keeps up with it daily.

Gender roles? Who is she? Being beautiful is for anyone.

He shows affection through touch. This makes him come off a bit needy and he tends to invade other's spaces.

There's more to lust than just sex though, it's pure, unrestrained desire. Desire to learn, to hurt, to take revenge, to love and be loved. He can sense someone's deepest desires and loves to bring that to the surface.

This is why Satan is one of his favorite brothers, there's a lot of pure emotion in him that he keeps covered up.

I think a Siren would fit him best, able to draw out what people desire the most.

~Beelzebub~

Beel has a soft heart. He cares a lot for his family, even when he's mad at them.

His kindness has gotten other demons trying to take advantage of him, which is why he tries to hide it behind a facade of being a big brute.

He's a cuddler. Beel is touch starved and wants nothing more than just to hold someone close and know they love him.

Nightmares are a constant struggle for him. He still blames himself for Lilith's death and not being strong enough.

Unless Belphie is around, Beel has a hard time sleeping.

Like Mammon, Beel a pacifist, though he's usually a little more willing to throw his weight around when needed.

When Lucifer isn't around, Beel is the one to try and get his brother's on the same page. If it's a lost cause he'll just leave for some comfort food.

Unless it's a serious matter, in which case it'll be one of the few occasions he yells.

Is self conscious about the food he eats and how everyone sees him as just the big grunt who loves to eat.

Beel is basically a pitbull. He seems scary and dangerous on the outside, but really he's just a teddy bear.

~Belphagor (spoilers)~

(I'm still a little salty that Belphie here killed me. Just as a warning lol)

Belphie's powers include sleeplessness and inducing a weekend nap. He either never sleeps or is sleeping for several hours.

I don't know why but I'm betting he'd be good at Uno.

Hates being confronted by his mistakes, would rather pretend they didn't happen in the first place

Asks for piggie back rides from Beel when he's too tired to walk.

He's the only one who can get Beel to sleep without nightmares. No one is quite sure if that's cause of his powers, or if he just is good at comforting his brother.

I see him as being good at poems. Soothing words that have a rhythm to them. You listen to him speak and before you know it you're asleep.

He brushes off most kindness as fake and doesn't trust anyone.

The most comfortable hoodie. Hugs are warm and soft.

Animal: a small fluffy cow. You know the ones I'm talking about. Fluff central.

[husky-twst-and-obeyme]

MC tries to make tea using ingredients from Devildom, nearly poisons all of the bros despite the research they did, and Barbatos has to give them tea lessons.

(This was gonna be a normal fic but i saw an opportunity to do Barbatos x MC and those are rare >:,c There are some but still you get the idea )

Barbatos x GN! MC: Sweeter then Tea

Warnings: None

Word Count: 962

You were excited to make everyone tea, the brothers have been fighting a lot recently so you thought it would be best to make them tea to enjoy. You hoped to make human world tea but you thought you’d surprise them by making tea from here! You couldn’t contain yourself! You looked up popular tea in Devildom and ingredients , a lot of them had “interesting preparations, like for the fire loong tea, you need to keep the fire lizards fresh while making sure they’re still around 1′000 degrees F. But that one was more normal than the rest..Anyways you decided to do Bitter Berries Tea, It has a similar description of human world berry tea, so that seems simple! Same recipe but with sour bitter berries! You thought it would be easy but boy...wait till they taste it..You honestly should of had a taste tester before you served it now that you think back on it 

You worked on the tea for a few hours and made some sweets to go with it , the boys loved your cooking , so they were interested in your tea skills. You present them with the tea pot , it had a strange aroma , but you had no idea if that was good or not. Once everyone got their cup, they took a sip then it was silent..as the boys faces morphed into displeased looks 

You got a little nervous”Is it ok..?”

Satan looked over “Mc..what kind of tea did you make?”

“Bitter Berries tea?” You were confused, did it matter ? was that dangerous tea?

“how many berries did you put in it?..”

“...why does that matter?”

Satan coughed a little “because if you put in more then 3 berries per pot, the tea can be quite poisonous..”

You stood there in complete shock and fear “I-I...”

They looked at her 

“I-I...out in a whole bag in there...”

“MC!”

“I’m Sorry! “

Later on , Diavolo and Barbatos had to come over because all 7 of the brothers were badly poisoned. Diavolo didn’t seem to worried as you were sobbing because you felt so bad for poisoning them.

“MC dear, why are you still crying? It was an honest mistake “ Diavolo said in a comforting tone

“B-but i wanted them to enjoy it , especially with all the tension they’ve had lately... “

“The brothers can about you deeply, I’m sure they won’t hold this over you! “

He still can see that you look upset , your a human so he knows you don’t know better but then idea pop up “How about Barbatos gives you lessons on teas in Devildom? He is well versed in all trades!”

“huh? really ? would he be ok with that ?”

Barbatos nods “Indeed, I can teach you while My Lord helps the brothers with the poison “

“o-ok..”

Soon you and Barbatos were in the kitchen while Diavolo tends to the brothers. He first briefly gave you lessons on common tea ingredients including the Bitter berries. It turns out that the berries admit an acid once combined in hot water and the maxium amount that can be put in is 3 so that t’s not over bearing. You learn that this tea is only poisonous to demons, and only cause Humans and Angels a fever. You were very interested in the lessons Barbatos gave, you even took notes , especially if the ingredient causes problems if not handled right. Then you moved on to actually making the tea, you were quite nervous but he reassured you that even if the tea turned poisonous, it doesn’t effect him that much.

“How can you be so sure?” you questioned

“Well anytime My lord is given anything that is not made by me or his chefs, I always taste test it , in case they purposely try to poison him, which happens a lot. “

“!?! and you’re fine?!”

“Well I’ve been doing this since the former Ruler , so when  I did it at first, it was painful but as years go by, I’m used to it but I can still tell it’s poisonous based on how my body still reacts to it “

You were amazed that Barbatos would o to such lengths, you felt inspired by his bravery. He at least gave you a bit more confidence , Let’s just hope he doesn’t tease you and pretend to be super effected. you tried a tea called Amorous Black Tea. All Barbatos did was show you 3 recipes and you just picked that one. You got to work and Babartos made sure to watch you careful to make sure you didn’t slip up , so far so good. You took an hour , because the ingredients were small and didn’t use a lot of them like youwere told. Now the tea was prepared and your poured his cup, He took a sip and you hoped that it worked this time.

“hm...The tea is quite bitter..”

“is that good or bad??”

“well the tea is supposed to be overall bitter but the bitterness is unique to each person.”

“unique to each person..?” you tilted your head 

“This is Amorous tea, his name is connected to the meaning of love. The more bitter the tea is, the more you love the person you serve it to..~”

It took you a second to realize what he meant and then it hit you...Basically the tea snitched you on on your feelings toward Barbatos

“Y-you did that on purpose didn’t you?! “ you were so flustered and blushed

“To be fair, I gave you three options to choose and you just so happened to pick this one~”

You were stunned and flustered and all he did was chuckle 

(Hope you enjoyed ! this is the last one from you, There were some I didn’t do because I had no idea what to do with the topic given XD) 

[cassandra-tangled]

Cassandra Appreciation Week Day 5: Happiness

Hey guys! Here’s my one-shot for Cassandra Appreciation Week day 5: happiness. So, I took a little bit of a liberty with this one, it’s a bit experimental and in first person. I’m honestly not too sure how I feel about it, but it was fun to play around with! Also, it does loosely connect to my one-shot for day 1 (here on AO3). Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy! Here’s the AO3 link 

The word count is 2,475

And a brief summary is: Cassandra makes good use of the journal that Rapunzel gave her as a birthday gift. 

The only thing of any concern is some light cursing. Enjoy!

Dear Diary, 

Dear Journal,

Wow. This is really not my speed. 

So, a journal. I don’t really know what to write, I’m not a...journal-ly person. Raps is, sure, but not me. This stupid, leather-bound book was a birthday gift from her, though, so I want to make sure I use it.

Not that Raps would ever snoop into my private life (at least not intrusively enough to read this) but if she did, I hope that last part wouldn’t hurt her feelings. I love the gift, really. It’s only stupid because it’s frusturating me that I don’t know what to write.

I guess I can start with where I got this journal. Like I said, it was a birthday gift from Raps. My birthday was a little under a week ago, now. I didn’t even know it was my birthday, but I turned twenty-eight. I feel old. Raps threw me a dinner. There was good food, cake, and alcohol. I fucking hate parties, but I love my friends, and it was only the five of us. Raps and Eugene got me this book, and a quill, and a knife, and some clothes and other fun things. It was really sweet of them, honestly. They didn’t need to get me anything, I wouldn’t have known the difference. Varian got me a bag of rocks, basically. Wait, that made me sound ungrateful. They’re beautiful rocks, and it was a cute gift. Or are they stones? Or gems?? Or crystals?? Fuck, I’m not a rock expert. But whatever they are, they’re pretty, and he found them all around the kingdom. It’ll be like having Corona with me when I leave again. Oh, and Lance got me a bag of Monty’s candy. Score.

So, I don’t really know what to use this for. I guess if I go back on the road I can...write or doodle in here like Raps did when we were younger. I mean, I’ll probably write, if anything. She’s all about doodles. I wonder how many notebooks she’s filled up by now.

When I asked her what she thought I should do with the journal yesterday, she told me to write about the things that make me happy. That’s a good place to start, I suppose. I’m not her, though. She could probably write a novel and a half on what makes her happy--but not me. Most things make me angry, and I could probably write a novel on that. Screaming children make me angry, although they’re cute when they’re quiet. Parties and social interaction make me angry. People who pronounce ‘vase’ as ‘vayhse’ make me angry (it’s ‘vahz’). Being awake makes me angry. Being asleep makes me angry. Freeloaders and thieves make me angry--reformed ones are okay, though. Most people make me angry. Especially Fitzherbert. Don’t get me wrong, I love him...sometimes. 

But I’m supposed to be talking about things that make me happy. Honestly, I’m hard pressed to think of many, but I can think of some.

My weapons make me happy. I could stare at them for hours, in all honesty--I have so many (thanks Dad), and they’re all beautiful. I love polishing them, and admiring them, and of course...using them. Not in a creepy killer way or anything. Dueling is just really, really fun, and let me just say--I’ve made good use of my Fitzherbert sparring dummy since coming home.

My favorite weapon is my halberd. I keep it well cared for, sharp, polished, and shiny. It was the first weapon Dad gave me, for my eighth birthday. At that point, it towered over me, but not anymore--I’ve had it twenty years now, and it’s rather proportionate. I mean, it’s taller than me because it’s supposed to be, but seriously...watching eight year old me trudge around with it was probably a sight to see. Anyway, he chose it as my first weapon because it’s the weapon of choice for Corona’s guard. I was eight when he started really training me with them. Before, I’d sat on the sidelines and watched, but by eight, I was a full-fledged trainee. People thought he was crazy for raising his daughter to be a guard from such a young age, but I’m glad for it. I wouldn’t be able to protect myself otherwise.

I love all my weapons, though. I couldn’t take my halberd with me on the road, so I took two of my daggers and my favorite sword instead. Oh, how I wanted to take my mace, but it was too heavy to justify. My favorite dagger, I’ve had since I was sixteen. I had a few before it, but my favorite one is absolutely beautiful. It’s probably the most valuable thing that I own. It was a gift, too, a blade carved of steel and the handle of beautiful gold. It’s badass--the handle is carved into this weird...I don’t know, dragon? Lizard? Sea serpent? Whatever it is, it looks cool, and my name is engraved on the blade. The sheath is encrusted with small gems. It’s not from my dad, but from an ‘anonymous castle staff’ or something who leaves me gifts every year. I don’t know why they bother or how they afford it, but I love it. It’s not the most practical, because of the handle, it’s more ornamental. I don’t usually use it in sparring or fights. I didn’t bring it on the road with me, as much as it pained me to leave it home, because of its obvious, glaring value. So, it was nice to see it again when I got back here.

Hmm...I’ve been talking about my weapons for a while. What else makes me happy?

Books. I love books. I grew up with them as, well, my best friends. I was privileged enough to be educated, and educated well. I was reading fluently by the time I was six or seven, and when I wasn’t training, working or otherwise helping my father, you could be sure to find my nose buried in a book. One of the biggest perks of growing up in a castle is the library. I mean, usually, servants can read the book if they please and are able, but aren’t allowed to take the books out with them, or anything like that. I guess Queen Arianna likes me, because I was allowed. My father said it was a special privilege, since I was a learning child, and she valued the concept of book-smart young girls. Anyway, since I started working, I don’t use the library as much anymore--not because I dislike reading nowadays, but because I buy my own books. 

Funny story, here. Growing up, I read a lot of fantasy books, about...you know, damsels in distress and princesses who were saved by handsome knights in shining armor. I used to think that maybe, just maybe, if I trained hard enough, I could be the one to bring the lost princess home, and maybe even…

Well, a rogue thief beat me to it. And it wasn’t even on purpose.

Anyway, back to happy--animals make me happy, too. It doesn’t matter what kind, although I am sort of biased towards a certain owl and two particular horses. I don’t know what it is about animals, but despite the fact that they don’t speak our language, they’re a lot more capable of love and empathy than most humans are. There are a lot of great Coronan horses, but two are particularly dear to me. I remember when Max and Fidella were born, actually. They’re pretty close in age, though I think Max is a tad older--he was born when I was fourteen, and she when I was fifteen. Max was fathered by my father’s previous horse, and by the time he was weaned from his mother, it was clear he’d be taking his father’s place as the Captain’s horse. Fidella was actually born to my childhood favorite horse. I learned to ride on her mother, so it seems only appropriate to me that she became the one to accompany me on my journey. Her mother was a beautiful mare named Eliza. Eliza was quite similar to Fidella in color and stature--she certainly takes after her mother, not her father. Eliza was my first equine love, if you will. For a kid without any friends, a faithful horse can fill the gap. We had a lot of fun together, but she got sick and died a year or two after birthing Fidella. It broke me, honestly. Horses can live to thirty years, and she was only twelve at the time of her death. 

Right, happy. Oh people, I guess. I mean, as I said before, a lot of people piss me off, but some of them are more than okay. Dad is pretty great, and it’s been nice to be back and see him again. I didn’t appreciate him as much as I should have in my childhood--but then, isn’t that the way it goes? Raps is amazing too, and so is the rest of the gang. I don’t know where I’d be today if it weren’t for their fighting so hard to save me and, honestly, I don’t want to imagine. I’d probably be dead. Despite my...occasional bitterness, especially before, I’ve had some of my best times by their side. Actually, I’ve had nearly all of my best times by their side. Before Rapunzel came back and, well, pretty much forced me to be her friend, I had no one. I’m glad she did. If it weren’t for her, I probably would have died without letting anyone in, without having a single friend outside my father, Owl, my weapons and my books. But Rapunzel is…Rapunzel is impossible to resist. I learned eventually that there was no use in even trying to resist her--and she ended up being the best thing that had ever happened to me. She’s the first person I let in, the reason that I know what it means to be a friend (and how to become one), and the sole reason my friendship extended to Eugene, Lance, and Varian.

I mean...I had some dark times. Some really, really dark times. Happiness was the furthest thing from my mind. Instead, I was enraged, jealous, bitter, cold, and most of all, I was hurting. At that point, if you’d asked me, Rapunzel was the worst thing that had happened to me, even though deep down inside I loved her and cared for her more than I ever would have admitted at that point. I did some bad things, some horrible things. In my greed, in my...selfishness and lust for power, I committed some fucking heinous crimes. I hurt all of the people who were most dear to me. I almost caused the downfall of Corona--and the entire world quite easily could have followed.  

Yet still, when it was all said and done, Rapunzel still saw the light in me. Eugene, Lance, Varian, my dad, they all still saw the light in me. Despite all the pain and destruction, despite all the fear and uncertainty and my horrid crimes...they forgave me. They loved me.

I hated myself, and I wanted so badly for them to hate me, too. Maybe it’s what lesser people would have done, or maybe it’s what they should have done. I’m still not quite sure. Either way, they didn’t. They chose the path of forgiveness.  

That’s what love is. 

Rapunzel likes to say that I was never a bad person, and that I just lost my way. I hope that that is true, but honestly, I have no way of knowing. When I think of that time in my life, I’m detached. The memories are vivid and yet blurred. I don’t see that woman as me. I don’t. I can’t believe what I did, that my own two hands committed such offenses. I see that version of myself as a lost, sad, broken woman, descending further and further down a dangerous, shadowy path that would have ended in nothing but pain and destruction. I’d given up on myself. But my friends? They never gave up on me. They saved me from that.

Whether I was truly bad or just horribly lost is beside the point, because that’s not me anymore. It haunts me every waking moment, but it’s in the past. It hangs permanently in the back of my head, but I try to push it away, to ignore it. I’ve changed drastically. I now realize that I have, and always have had, so much to be grateful for. I still yearn for more. It’s almost as if it’s in my nature. But if it’s destined to come to me, then it will be manifested through my hard work. If it’s not, at least I tried.  

Most of the time, for me, happiness is hard to come by. Honestly, it is--even now, even though I realize I have much to be grateful for. It’s not such a bad thing to me, though, because when I do feel happiness...it’s exhilarating. It’s life-altering, and the taste of it sticks to my tongue like Monty’s taffy. When I do feel happiness, it makes all of the pain and all of the suffering that I’ve endured worth it. 

So, what is happiness to me?

Happiness...happiness is sharpening my weapons on a rainy Tuesday afternoon. Happiness is curling up by the fire, nose deep within a book, reading like my life depends on it. Happiness is  dark, windy, winding roads far from home, and the shiver that runs down your back when you realize, ‘I’m deciding my own destiny’. Happiness is a Coronan stable. Happiness is flying from town to town on horseback, meeting new people. Happiness is hunting with Owl, and sitting by the fire with Fidella. Happiness is a cup of ale, a shot of whiskey, and warm food. Happiness is laughing with friends, and melting into their arms after years apart. Happiness is the fact that you converse as if you hadn’t been away at all. Happiness is taking the horses out to the wall with Raps, and bickering with Eugene. Happiness is helping a greasy-handed Varian with one of his many ambitious projects, or screaming at Lance for eating your lunch. Happiness is having tea with Dad, and the prideful joy on his face when he pulls back from a hug. Happiness is loving, whether things, animals, or people. Happiness is being loved in return. 

Most of all, happiness is being alive. 

If it’s true that we only get one life, I’m happy that I’ve had the privilege and opportunity to spend mine the way that I have. 

That’s all for today. It’s time for this girl to get some rest.

Until next time,

Cassandra

[fourangers]

Fate and Choices (ch. 02)

Summary: When Naruto discovered who was going to be his soulmate, he jumped straight at this opportunity, looking forward to spending the rest of his life with his better half. Sasuke well…he was less eager in this regard though. NaruSasu. Soulmates tattoos. M-rated.

Content: AU!Office, Romance, Comedy, Drama, it’ll get a little too philosophical in some parts talking about free will Vs fate, basically Sasuke is a cynic ass and Naruto is an idealistic moron (great amirite), Anal Sex, tattoos soulmates

Chapter 01 here

AO3 link

--.--

“Hey! Jackass!”

Sasuke stiffened, bracing himself from the incoming impact.

“Fucking bastard thought you were gonna get rid of me, ‘s not going to be that easy you know!”

Sasuke was rubbing his legs with a wince; good gracious, years have passed and this idiot continued to be the same loudmouth dumbass. He turned back to Neji. “Please fire him.”

Neji blinked. “It’s my company and I’m the one who hired him Sasuke.”

“I know, but I’m saying that you should fire for our sanity’s sake.”

“Wow, that’s so mean.” Naruto grumbled, widening a grin. “You haven’t changed one bit Sasuke. Plus, there’s no way Neji would fire me when I’m the best social media manager you ever met!”

Sasuke rolled his eyes then threw a significant glance towards Neji.

Neji shook his head. “Yes, sorry to say but Naruto is pretty good. He is one of the few I know that can build a good number of followers organically in a short time. I guess you’ll have to deal with it. Just use this opportunity for some catching up ok.” He patted Sasuke’s shoulder and stared at Naruto in deadpan. “Please don’t destroy the office.”

“C’mon Neji, you really think we’re gonna get back to fighting as if we’re twelve? Give me some credit will you.” Naruto’s grin became so wide that it reminded him of a cheshire’s cat.

“...right.” Neji looked around, and picked an antique vase on the way out.

Sasuke stared at Naruto and his winsome beam, then gazed at the door knob.

He turned around.

“Oh? Ignoring me and fleeing again? The coward's obvious choice.”

Turning back with a venomous glare, Sasuke approached Naruto. “Well, I suppose there’s no point delaying any longer. What do you want from me?”

The caustic tone dissolved Naruto’s grin into a frown, so he mumbled. “What the hell did I do wrong for you to act like an asshole around me?”

Sasuke inhaled, taking some seconds to recompose himself as he retorted. “You’re right, my attitude was wholly unneeded, but I can’t help it. I still need to know why on earth you decided to reappear in my life when I made pretty clear that I don’t want you around.”

“Good God, I can’t believe that you don’t want your soulmate after this many years⏤”

“Don’t go there.” Sasuke growled through gritted teeth.

“Ugh, fine.” Naruto rolled his eyes. “You know, after what we’ve been through, I thought that at least you would bother yourself to give me an explanation or at least keep some kind of contact.”

“I can’t believe you took seriously our summer fling.”

Naruto stared, and then quirked an eyebrow. “Three years is not a summer fling.”

“Whatever, but it happened while we were young and stupid, so it is a fling no matter how long it took.” Before Naruto could protest, Sasuke interjected in. “Everything was going fine in my life back when you left me alone in peace, so why did you decide out of nowhere to get back in bothering me again?”

Naruto curled down his mouth, examining Sasuke’s indecipherable face as graphite eyes focused glowering at the ground. He knew that Sasuke wasn’t going to be cheerfully welcoming his return though he expected at least some positive reaction.

Scratching his blond head, Naruto sighed. “Sasuke, back when your parents divorced” He could see Sasuke tensing on the corner of his eye but he continued nevertheless. “I really wished you could rely on me to share your feelings about it but you just decided to throw me out of your life. But I respected that this was your way of coping and later I also get why you did that⏤”

“If you got it, why are you here now?”

Naruto blinked and declared with strong assurance. “Because I’m your soulmate.”

“We only have matching tattoos dumbass, nothing else.”

“Only matchin⏤” Naruto groaned. “Oh c’mon, gimme your hand in case you forgot about it.”

“No.” Sasuke held his hand closer to his chest, dodging away from Naruto’s grasp.

“You stubborn bastard⏤”

“Dumbass, get the fuck away⏤” The young men wrestled in the conference room, stumbling through chairs and knocking down assorted papers and pens.

“Sasuke, goddammit, just for a few seconds, I swear!” Naruto yowled, arms stretched out in a vain attempt to reach Sasuke’s hand.

Sighing, Sasuke lowered his arm. “I’ll humor you for once, I guess.” He raised his palm, showing his moon tattoo.

Naruto broadened a victorious smile, interlacing his tanned fingers with pale ones. When their tattoos touched, a warm ball of light grew till it lit up the whole room, but Sasuke dropped his hand, cutting off its connection.

"You felt that right, once again. That wave of happiness, the comfort, contentment. We complete each other.” Breathing heavily, remnants of those emotions overwhelmed him, soulful blue eyes attempted to reach his soulmate.

Sasuke averted his gaze, crafting a blank expression and shrugged. “I disagree with this. Those feelings are probably some kind of animalistic instinct to preserve our species and I’m beyond all that. Why do people keep claiming that they need to find their other half? I’m already one whole person, I’m against the notion that you need someone else to feel complete.”

Raising his eyebrows impressed, Naruto hummed pensive, conceding. "Alright…that's a very fair point. But no matter how complete you are, you need relationships to sustain yourself. Family, coworkers, friends…we're humans that need other people all the time. And isn't it great that nature gave us this tool to find the best companion that will share his lifetime with you?"

"This system is flawed and imperfect Naruto. You know it as well as I do." Sasuke retorted. "And I'd rather not waste my life blindly relying over something that might fail in the long run."

“You're selling a technology that lets people find their own soulmate.” Naruto muttered incredulously.

“I sell the tool, not the satisfaction nor its promise for happiness." Sasuke offered with a prim sniff, chin raised. "And whatever might be my business, it has nothing to do with my personal opinion, in which is that I'm fine not needing a soulmate."

"Why? I thought we were in agreement back then!"

"Which goes back to the talk that we were just young and naive, that's all. I changed my mind."

“Honestly, why are you going so against it, it’s like one of those obvious laws of nature. It’s inevitable, like…" Naruto paused for a second, trying to come up with valid examples. "Like gravity, physics, and everything like…babies would always cry…um…dogs are angels and cats are evil…”

“How dare you, you take back that last sentence right fucking now.” Sasuke growled.

“Alright, maybe cats are also nice, I’ll let you adopt one when we live together!”

“No, thank you. And for every supposed law of nature, it’s never entirely universal. You can use aerodynamics to fly above gravity, cats can save kids and dogs can bite⏤”

“And babies crying?” Naruto chimed in.

“...tiny baby lizards don’t cry.” Sasuke regretted it the instant he uttered these words, he knew that his IQ would just drop if he’d spend one minute more with this dumbass, Naruto is just this infectious. "That doesn't matter. I thought I came here so I could talk about work, not engaging in those childish conversations that go nowhere."

"...so." Naruto smacked his lips and grinned. "I am your social media manager then."

Sasuke stared and narrowed his eyes. "My company's social media."

"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever. You have my phone number and Line? It's⏤"

“I know your number, I just have to unblock you.”

Sasuke half-expected Naruto bristling in indignation when he got the confirmation that he was indeed, blocking him out over those years. A crestfallen despair flashed through Naruto’s eyes, before blossoming to a warm smile.

“I’m just glad we’re talking again, that’s all that matters.”

Sasuke wanted to tell him that it’s only work related. That it won’t change his mind and once the contract would be over, they would part their respective ways. Caustic, sharp words had to be uttered so he could end this nonsense at last, but somehow it died on his throat when his whole soul ached to reach Naruto’s face and kiss the pained frown away.

Thankfully, a knock from the door broke their stupor, and Naruto opened to meet Neji and some of Sasuke’s coworkers.

“Well, it seems that their meeting is over. Anyways, Hoozuki-sama, Yamato-sama, Uzumaki Naruto-san here will be in charge of Shinrei’s whole social media account, as well as strategy and planning.”

Naruto and Sasuke’s coworkers shook hands and exchanged name cards, bowing politely as they began the meeting. Suigetsu quirked his eyebrow, noticing how Sasuke always averted his gaze whenever he talked with Uzumaki-san, even though the blond man stared as if Sasuke was the only man in the whole room.

Those were intense, covetous azure eyes that somehow weren't much tainted with lust. Curiosity piqued, Suigetsu dragged his friend to the side while Naruto was talking with the other coworker.

“So…from all the interactions I witnessed, it seems that you and that blondie have some history together right. What happened?”

Sasuke glared. “Nothing.”

“Oh c’mon, just tell me! It’s the first time I ever saw you being so nervous around a guy, whatever happened has to be something big.”

Sasuke sighed, shutting his eyes. He uttered in the most bored tone he could muster. “Naruto is my soulmate.”

Suigetsu blinked. “…huh?”

“My soulmate.” Sasuke repeated. “He’s my soulmate.”

“WHAT?!” Suigetsu shouted, switching his gaze back and forth towards Sasuke and Naruto. “You lucky dog, you found your soulmate this easily?! And he’s hot too!”

“He is?” Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows, then turned around for a quick check. No, that’s the usual dumbass, stupid grin Naruto, there’s nothing new about that.

“God, the fact that you don’t want a soulmate makes even less sense now! I want a hottie like him riding me till tomorrow for the rest of my life.” Suigetsu noticed the black eyebrow twitching in annoyance and curled a saucy grin. “I better get first in line if he’s interested.”

“Whatever suits you best.” Sasuke grumbled, as they all moved back to the entrance, as the meeting was over.

Someone poked his shoulder. “Hey hey. Sasuke.” He turned his face, glare activated but halted at once when he felt moist lips touching his skin. “Have a nice day.” Naruto beamed.

He furiously rubbed his cheek with his hand, growling. “I’m going to kill you.”

“So testy, I just gave you one innocent peck on your cheek.” Laughing, Naruto patted his back while he returned to the office.

Neji observed the grin that stretched from ear to ear and muttered. “Oh dear me. It’s been a while since I saw you smiling this much.”

“Well, duh. Obviously.”

“Hm. You’re satisfied with the arrangement then?”

“Yeah! Thanks for everything Neji.”

“Likewise. I hope whatever conclusion you two will reach, it’ll be satisfactory to you both.” Pearly eyes peered in earnest intensity, so Naruto offered a half-grin back. “But I would like to remind you that Sasuke is our client, right.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.” Naruto appeased him.

“Don’t go too far.”

“I won’t!”

“Please don’t annoy Sasuke too much, okay.”

There was a long silence and then. “Uh. Sure!”

Is it too late to change his own mind; Neji wondered with a sigh.

⏤.⏤

Six hundred, forty three. That’s the number of times Sasuke had to suppress the urge to throw Suigetsu out of the car, whenever his friend nagged wanting to know more details about Naruto.

He hoped once he arrived in his office, all this nonsense would be over so he could concentrate on his work. Promising gruesome bloody murder if Suigetsu ever dared to gossip about his love life, he strode to Itachi’s room.

“Nii-san.”

“Oh, welcome back otouto-kun. How was the meeting? How is Neji-kun?” Itachi acknowledged him with a quick nod, eyes still focused on the laptop.

“Neji is fine, his marketing plan is really well planned and he is just going to make us cover the basic costs, nothing else.” Sasuke paced around, and said. “Nii-san, you won’t believe who is going to take care of our social media.”

“Oh, Neji told me. I’ve heard that he’s a really bright, young man…” Itachi raised his eyes to meet with Sasuke’s, a knowing beam broadening his lips. “Blond, blue eyes, who has an exquisite sun tattoo that fits with your moon tattoo pretty perfectly…”

“What the f⏤!” Sasuke tamped down the urge to scream, throwing his hands to the air. “I can’t believe you all! You, Neji and Naruto all planned this?! I can’t believe that you would betray me. You’re my brother!”

“And as your older brother, I agreed with Neji-kun that you avoiding Naruto-kun is damaging you in the long run, but considering your stubbornness I thought that it’d be better if I nudged a little in the right direction.”

“Unbelievable. I thought that you, of all people, understood me the best considering the experience we suffered with mother and father.”

Sighing, Itachi stilled in commiseration, picking his tea cup. He sipped the warm beverage, murmuring. “I considered these memories for a long time, but I concluded that I shouldn’t let them deter my life. It’s specifically because of them that I’m determined to find the perfect companionship with my soulmate.”

Sasuke scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, big words from someone who didn’t bother himself to find his own soulmate. You know really well that he or she lives in the Netherlands but you kept delaying buying the plane ticket.”

“…I have…other priorities for now.”  Itachi argued with a clipped tone.

“No, you just share the same trauma as I do but since it’s not your problem, you thought you could manipulate however you liked about my own life. It is your loss though, because even if our parents’ divorce may had influenced my opinion about Soulmates, I have valid reasons to reject it.” Sasuke declared, tightening his hands into a fist. “I’ll do this damn job with Naruto just to prove you, and then we’ll go on our own goddamn different paths. Just you wait.”

“…” Itachi studied his younger brother’s agitated state, eyebrows knitted, resolute.

Honestly, Sasuke had already grown old enough to be in any need of his guidance, but above all, he wasn’t really accepting any of it even if Itachi tried to drill any word in his hard-headed mind. From now on he guessed he’d leave it up to Naruto, and he hoped the young man would have enough patience handling his younger brother.

⏤.⏤

Naruto was being…strange. At first, Sasuke expected that the dumbass would use the opportunity that he unblocked his contact to flirt with him, or engage inane conversation or send dick pics. The blond man was oddly very considerate nevertheless, using their chats for strict professional subjects, not one thing out of line.

On the other hand, they had a lot of physical meetings. At first it was only once per week, not arousing his suspicion as Sasuke considered that Naruto probably had a lot of questions that it’d be better clarified with these kinds of meetings. The following week they had twice per week and then thrice. Also, whatever professional courtesy Naruto had respected in chats, was thrown out of the window when he saw Sasuke, trying to start off-topic conversations, sitting really close to him and generally being a pain in the ass.

(Sasuke didn’t want to admit that he was enjoying those meetings)

When Naruto called, ready to schedule another meeting, Sasuke rebutted. “A meeting? Online meeting, you meant.”

“Oh no, like a meeting, meeting. As in, me going to your office or you going to mine and…”

“For someone who only uses online tools for your everyday work, you oddly prefer a face to face meeting for no particular reason.”

“What can I say, I’m a people’s person after all.” Naruto chuckled. “Well, if you’re too busy we can reschedule if you want.”

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. This really felt like some sort of measured chess game, when one man was carefully choosing which pieces to sacrifice or to keep it alive. He expected that since Naruto was so impatient he’d prefer a direct approach instead of slowly luring him in.

“Then again, I haven’t seen him for over seven years, who knows how much he had changed since then.”

⏤.⏤  

UGH.

This is so fucking hard.

What Naruto really wanted was to drag Sasuke to some secluded room and have his way until they were both satisfied. But nope, that stupid ass bastard is just too stubborn and suspicious of everything that if he did any sudden move, Naruto was afraid that Sasuke would disappear to some far away country, like Canada or Argentina or something like that.

Was he asking for too much in wanting to have his soulmate back? Was he? He just wanted life to be easier for once. Stupid Sasuke. Why. Uuuuugh. Now Sasuke was already getting suspicious that they were having way too many meetings and Naruto wanted at least some compensation for using all his remaining patience to let Sasuke dictate this fucking slower than slug pace.

He heard the familiar ping, unlocking his phone.

Sorry, just finished a meeting now. I’m going to arrive 15 minutes late.

Oooooh?

Grinning, Naruto noticed Sasuke typing some response but he was quicker.

Uchiha-sama is going to be late? My eyes didn’t deceive me just now, did I really read that?

Moron.

Naruto laughed, thankful that his typing speed was faster than Sasuke’s. I mean, Uchiha Sasuke-sama is actually going to be late for the first time in his life. Wow, it’s going to rain knives today.

It’s not my fault dumbass, the sponsor I was talking with wanted more details about my software. And he’s an old man it was difficult to explain in layman terms.

Ah, yeah…sounds tough. Don’t worry about it, I can wait while I’m working. Thanks for the heads up.

Sasuke snorted, relaxing his shoulders on the taxi seat while he stared at the buildings passing by. Opening a new company was so hard, so many people to visit, so many potential sponsors and clients to sell your product. There were also many annoying obligations to register your company and documentation to smooth things through too. His father gave enough initial investments to help them open the business but aside that, they were really green, unsure what steps to proceed in a shrewd market.

Thanks to Naruto’s strategies their brand is getting recognition between specialists for now, some well-known influencers tested their technology, aiding him to show tangible successes in the effort to convince people. But although they were impressed, few signed the deed, not wanting to risk their precious capital over an infant company.

Exhaling a tired breath, he went to the conference room after he greeted Neji. The moment he opened the door, he immediately picked the nice fragrance of fresh cooked rice.

“Hey. I’m just gonna finish retouching some reports and we’ll start the meeting right away.” Naruto said.

In front of him laid a neat porcelain plate with three onigiris, then a tomato salad inside a plastic package and even Caramel dark chocolate from a fancy brand.

“Oh yeah, feel free to dig in, I bought this for you.”

At this admission his stomach growled and Sasuke licked his lips. “How did you know I was hungry?” Sharp graphite eyes narrowed.

“Well…if I’m not mistaken, you usually eat around 12:30 or something right? Unless you changed your habit, I mean. But it’s already 1 pm, and you didn’t mention stopping a little to eat lunch, so I thought it would be best if I bought something for you.”

…Naruto still remembered all his favorite foods. Warm beats expanded in his chest and Sasuke forcibly tamped it down. This is just residual instinct caused by this soulmating system, it had nothing to do with his feelings. He savored each bite in silence while Naruto gave the monthly report.

Hmph. Dumbass.

--.--

Chapter 03

[theebiscuits]

📂 I would love a Baku headcanon pretty please?

Of course my dear!

This is based on a fic I'm working on currently! Basically a very small part of the population is born a secondary quirk. And Bakugou is one of them.

Essentially a secondary quirk means that it is a seperate quirk from the other- and may have nothing to do with the first quirk. People like Todoroki could be considered to be double quirked as his two quirks can be used separately, and the manga and fandom refer to it as 'two quirks'.

Anyways Bakugou is born with two quirks- his original canon quirk: Explosion, and his second quirk: Animorph!(tho the name may change lmao)

Basically Bakugou has the ability to shapeshift into any animal he touches! This includes some insects and bugs, but does not include humans as he cannot copy the quirk. However, it may be possible to shift into a quirkless person. His quirk works kinda like a catalogue- once he touches an animal that shift is added to his catalogue where he can access it at anytime. However he cannot shift to a different animal once in animal form- he must go from human to animal and animal to human.

His Animorph quirk is limited via the size of an animal. The larger the animal is the harder it is to control in that form. With training he found that he can go up to about a medium to large sized pony. But not a full grown standard horse. Of course some animals are super hard to come in contact with- things like lions, tigers, large deer. Anything that he might use in combat is probably either too big or too hard to have contact with. So more often than not he's stuck with smaller easy to touch animals. (He has to touch them with his palm- no exceptions). His favorites to shift into are cats, ferrets, snakes or any lizard, and birds as they are easy to get in contact with. Although he does have a large selection to choose from.

Anyways, he gets into UA like normal, except this time he has a second quirk. But for reasons I can't disclose until the fic is out >:) no one is aware of his second quirk. Not even Midoriya really knows. He has his suspicions of course, but nothing concrete.

But onto bakukitty.

Cat Bakugou that hangs around the dorms and Ground Beta. Aizawa, being the stray cat guardian he is, finds evidence of a new cat and tracks him down. You know just to make sure he's not injured and feed him. But instead of finding a scruffy stray like he usually does- he finds a fairly well groomed light blond cat sitting on the ledge of very tall buildings. And of course thats not the greatest place for a cat to be so Aizawa scales the building trying to get the cat down. Bakugou being the little shit he is just stays where he is and watches his teacher scale a building for a Cat. If cats could smirk, he would be.

Eventually Aizawa coaxs bakugou down from his ledge with the lure of fresh salmon (Aizawa is a little concerned with how receptive this cat is. Were they a pet cat? Are people looking for him?). Aizawa was a little distracted with trying to get Bakugou down that he didnt even really notice that the cat had red eyes. Very red in fact. And there was a strange smell coming form the cat- oddly sweet, like burnt sugar.

He doesn't make the connection at first- not in the right way. He assumes that the cat b elonsto Bakugou. But that cant be right? He'd never seen a cat in the dorms nor had Bakugou spoken of a pet. But regardless Aizawa assumes the cat is Bakugou's, so he tries to lead the cat towards the dorms. Bakugou is having way to much fun with this and just goes along with it. Of course he can't reveal himself out here, but once aizawa takes him to his dorm...maybe he will. He'd been meaning to do so for awhile. He trusts Aizawa to keep his secret. To not hand him over to scientists or weirdos looking for quirks. (One cant be too cautious- not after what the HPSC did to those second quirked kids.) So he follows closely behind, not enough for Aizawa to see him clearly but close enough to know he's following.

By the time they get back to the dorms, its rather late- after curfew for that matter. So Aizawa is hesitant to knock on the explosive teen's dorm, everyone knows that Bakugou goes to bed at 8pm on the dot. So he was definitely not going to be happy about this- but well his cat got out so? It should be alright, yeah?

Bakukitty is just sitting behind him smugly as Aizawa knocks on his door. Aizawa has the masterkey, he could open the dorm and let the cat slip in...but what if it wasnt his cat. Shit. now what? Bakukitty rolls his eyes, or well- kind of. Can cats even roll their eyes'? Hes not really sure.

Aizawa keeps knocking- trying to get his attention. And its just so funny to him to watch his teacher fumble in the dark to get his master key to open the door. Aizawa was just gonna open the door and let the cat slip in, but when Bakukitty refused to go in- he just...picked him up. Bakukitty gave an indignant mreow and nibbled on his teachers finger- who in turn gave a look that could only be described as a soft stink eye. Bakukitty had to keeping nibbleing to keep himself from shifting and laughing his ass off.

Once Aizawa flipped the light on and noticed that the supposed student was not in fact in bed or in his dorm at all he started frantically searching the small room- like he would be hiding under the bed..idiot. Bakukitty meowed fondly and shook his head before turning around and nudging the door closed. Aizawa taking the hint closed it fully. Bakukitty stretched out his paws and a soft golden light filtered around his body. Transformation never took long, but Bakugou had half a mind to mess with his teacher and draw it out.

He did in fact draw it, the soft golden light illuminating the room and showing the slow(ish) transformation back into his human body. Behind him Aizawa lets out a soft annoyed sigh "What am I going to do with you problem child?"

Bakugou turns his now fully transformed body around to meet aizawa in the eye. "Well you could start with that salmon."

Sorry if the format is weird! I had to copy some of it off oof where I had it in my docs!

[wheremytwinwatches]

[Where My Twin Watches]: Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood Episode 13

I’m back! Took a little break to watch Rebellion, mostly recovered from that so I can return to watching this light-hearted tale of whimsy and hahaha no. Onwards with Brotherhood!

Episode 13 - “Beasts of Dublith” Izumi’s talking about Ed seeing “it” and surviving. Ooh, do we get info on Truth this episode? [Izumi]: “Regardless, I can’t accept the decision you made. You’re expelled.” What?! Teacher turns away, tells them to get on a train. Ed just bows and thanks her for everything. ...wow, I’d forgotten how hard this show can hit. Huh, same intro? I thought this was the halfway point of the season, don’t animes usually switch things up at this point? ...at the very least, I’d like them to change the into so I don’t have to see Hughes again at the beginning of each episode YES I’M STILL BITTER. Sig’s seeing them off at the station, saying they should drop by if they’re ever in town again. Sorry buddy, but I don’t thin- [Sig]: “You idiots! You’re so busy pouting you can’t see what your expulsion means; You aren’t her students anymore, so now you’re finally free to speak to Izumi as equals!” Oh. Ohhhh. Ok, so that was her way of ‘graduating’ them. I can see it. [Sig]: “Unless, of course, you’re too chicken to try it.” Suddenly Ed facepalms? There’s something you forgot to do? I thought the point of the trip was to visit your old Teacher. [Sig]: “Don’t let her kill you.” ...Gee, thanks for the advice. Ed gets back to the butcher shop GAH good thing Ed’s quick enough to duck knives. Izumi is not happy to see him again. But the Elric Brothers say that they’ve come looking for a way to get their bodies back, and that they are staying. A staredown commences.

Izumi… relents? Huh, I thought she would have kept this up until you stopped calling her Teacher. Time to talk about “the Truth”! Al didn’t see it, doesn’t even really know what it means. Izumi says he lost his memory from the shock… oh! Yeah, if the cost of what Ed saw was his leg, for Al to lose his entire body as the “toll”? Oh good grief you two, stop talking about how “awful” and “horrifying” it was, you’re scaring the kid. Izumi’s got a lead in an acquaintance who might be able to retrieve the memory. But first, dinner! Eavesdropper! We’ve got a Gollum taking a peek in the window, confirming that Ed can transmute human souls. Oh wow that’s a tail, is this guy part-Gecko? Back at Eastern Command, some old guy with bifocals is playing chess with Roy, expositing that he’s transferring in one week. (Subtitles say) General Grumman is giving the standard platitudes of “it won’t be the same without you”, “I got to relax thanks to your hard work”, ect ect. Hmm, noting that his glasses are consistently shiny, not a good sign. Ooh, that was a flinch, and yup, checkmate. Good job Roy! Grumman plays it off as a “going away gift”, Roy presses this charitable mood. Hello there, Master Sergeant Kain Fuery. Gotta be honest here, I’m still holding the loss of Fuhrer Fury against you, here’s hoping you can be a good enough character to overcome that bias. We’ve also got Warrant Officer Vato Falman, Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda, Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc-

No, not that Jean. And First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye as well. Seems that Roy’s added them to his own transfer, they’ll join him in Central. No objections! [Havoc]: “I’ve got a problem, sir. See, I just started dating this girl and I really like her.” [Roy]: “Dump her.” Wow. Remind me not to go to Roy for relationship advice. What is it you see in this guy again, Riza? Cut to some dude working out with a crude dumbbell. Oh hey it’s Scar! How’s it going buddy? Apparently he’s not supposed to be working out, the Ishvalan kid Rick chides him for aggravating his wounds. He opens the tent for someone else, and Scar looks shocked? [Scar]: “Master!” Ooh, a parallel episode! The Elrics and Scar working with their old teachers! I like these! Master’s talking with Scar now, saying he knows that his student’s been targeting State Alchemists. But regardless of their crimes, such vengeance will only cause further violence. Senseless revenge, feeding a fruitless cycle of death? Man this Master pulls no punches. He tells Scar to end this cycle once and for all- Suddenly two non-Ishvalans poke their heads into the tent, identify Scar and start talking about a bounty. Uh oh. Either Scar’s gonna ignore his Master, or we’ll find out why this guy is called Master even in the subtitles. Third guy is hiding behind some rubble, Ishvalan bystanders yell at Yoki for bringing bounty hunters. Man, another whiny Elric antagonist? Oh yeah, I’m sure that you’ll “rise up” and take your revenge. Total faith in you buddy. Off-topic, do you mind telling me when you plan to face them? I want to know when so I can sell tickets I mean show my support. Scar realizes that he’ll only bring more trouble, however irritating, if he stays there. Yyyyeah, you bounty hunters had no idea who you were messing with. One dismembering and face-grab later, Scar doesn’t even bother with Yoki, just dons sunglasses once more.

Master tries one more guilt-trip (“Your brother would be sad”), we get a dramatic zoom at Scar’s tattooed arm. Scar just says it’s too late to turn back now, and walks off.

Al’s sweeping outside the butcher shop when a ball of paper’s thrown at his feet. A note from Gecko-Man, Bido? Oh wow a place called “Devil’s Nest”, I’m sure it’s a quite reputable business. Some guys sniffs and jumps down to join Bido and a lady in the street, to greet Al as he walks up. A meeting? Ooh, did you guys try to blackmail Al? This can only end well. Nose-Man (Dolcetto) tries to get Al to come with them, one “Ooh, I’m just a widdle kid” act later… Uh oh! So while Dolcetto went down like a punk, Tatoo-Lady (Martel) took the advantage to get inside Al’s armor, slow him down for an older guy (Roa) to show up for a turn and wrestle the armor to the ground. [Al]: “You people aren’t human, are you?” No, really? What gave it away, the guy with a giant gecko tail? [Greed]: “Good guess! They’re Chimeras… And they happen to work for me.” Wait, Greed? Aw crap it’s another Goth! The Terminator from the intro, no less! So Al’s in some sort of basement now, Martel still keeping him controlled from inside the armor while Greed is starting some sort of pitch. So wait, how is Greed connected to the rest of the Goths? I can see he has the Uroboros tattoo on his hand like the others, but I’m getting a different vibe from him. Al asks what they really are, they can’t be Chimera’s because the only “talking Chimera” we’ve seen before was something I really don’t want to remember. Greed just says to not believe everything the government says. Martel’s part-snake, Roa was… cow? Ok. Throw in a lizard (still gonna call him gecko), a crocodile, and a dog. Man, Dolcetto’s not having a good time this episode. As for how these Human-Chimeras are possible, Greed says that they were created by the military. But he’s even more uncommon than they are: he’s a Homunculus. Wait, a Homunculus? Are you sure you’re using the right term there? I can understand Chimera, a mix of species, but my understand of Homunculi is that they’re mini-humans, basically familiars. Oh ok, so apparently the definition of a Homunculus in Brotherhood is a more general “artificially created human”. Flashback to Baby!Elrics studying alchemy, raising the point that yeah that’s Human Transmutation isn’t it? Al is really upset by this claim, saying that it’s just an unproven theory. So Greed says he’ll prove it SWEET LETO WHAT THE TRUTH ok Roa just went Thor on Greed’s skull, the corpse falls. But Al barely has time to ask what the heck that was for when the body raises a hand in a “wait a moment” gesture, and red sparks fly as Greed reforms good as new. Huh. So we’ve already know that the Goths are hard to put down (knife to the forehead), but to completely regenerate after your brain is splattered? Yeah, this is gonna be tough. So, back to why they’ve captured Al? Oh, that’s why? Sure Greed’s got a body that can recover from normally fatal injuries, but he still “dies”. Meanwhile, he’s got a moving, talking suit of armor right here! A body that never dies… Now this is really interesting, looking at two concepts of immortality: a regenerating organic form, or an unchanging metal form. Transhumanism, ho! Still, I don’t think that this is a form of “immortality” that you want, Greed. You want the finer things in life? Get yourself stuck in armor like Al, and you lose your sense of touch and taste. And you don’t strike me as the kind of guy who’s willing to give those up. Greed’s pushing to know how Al got his soul in the armor, Al truthfully says that he can’t remember how and that it wasn’t him who did it. So Greed’s gonna have to talk to the original caster. [Ed]: “Now where’d a seven-foot tall suit of armor run off to?” Bido tries to make Ed pay to know where his brother is. Bido gets used to open the basement door. Al tells Ed that Greed’s a Homunculus (“Hey! Way to ruin it.”), and that he might be able to help them with their body problem. But Greed shows off his Uroboros tattoo, which he has to know that Ed recognizes. Greed says that “they don’t talk much anymore.” A falling out? Greed makes his pitch: He’ll teach them how to make a Homunculus (to transfer their souls to?), if they teach him how to transfer a soul. “Classic equivalent exchange.” EEC: 8 Finally, I get to update that count! Given how much the phrase made Tephi snicker I thought I’d be hearing it more often, best I can tell the last time was… ugh, Tucker. Moving on. Well of course you don’t understand why Al would want his body back, Greed. You don’t know the limitations. [Greed]: “You’re joking, right? You don’t need to eat, you don’t need to sleep, you don’t even need to use the toilet! Sounds great to me!” Yup. Ed’s pissed. Greed can only applaud his monologue. There you go Dolcetto, go ahead and get Worfed. But Greed puts up much more of a fight, going into the terminator mode from the intro, blocking all of Ed’s attacks as an Ultimate Shield. So Ed’s basically fighting MGR’s Armstrong, then? “Homunculus, son!” [Greed]: “Oh. You’re one of those guys. You don’t care if someone beats the crap out of you, but if someone lays a hand on a family member you completely freak out. What a waste… you lose your temper like this and you’re gonna lose my information and your brother.” But Ed thinks he still has a chance. Until Greed shows that he was holding back so he didn’t have to cover up his pretty face. Sig’s found the dropped broom, evidence that the boys have gone missing. Because Leto forbid they skip out on their chores and invoke Izumi’s wrath. A passerby says they were seen going into a bar called the Devil’s Nest. In said bar, Ed is [SUFFERING IN PAIN], literally breaking his automail on Greed and getting thrown around. But he has a plan? Oh yeah, Alchemy! He shorts out Greed’s Ultimate Shield to bust up his organic hand, Greed grows it back quickly and remarks that that was bizarre. Another attack, and stalagmites to the chest! Chemistry for the win! Since Greed told Ed that he was human, Ed knew that a third of his body was made of carbon. He figured that Greed was using that to make his shield, just rearranging the atoms. So all Ed had to do was rearrange them right back, graphite instead of diamond. Alright! Big Letodamn Hero entrance by Izumi! Who throws a mook at Ed and yells at him for not putting the broom away. [Greed]: “Oh give me a break. Don’t tell me you’re going to try and start anything, lady. It’s no fun fighting a woman.”

Time for Housewife Beatdown! *credits* ...Damn it! 

[welcometothepenumbra]

SECOND CITADEL – THE MOONLIT HERMIT (PART TWO)

SOUND: RAIN. TRAIN ARRIVES, CREAKS TO A STOP. DOOR CLANKS OPEN.

CONDUCTOR: Ah, good evening, Traveler. And welcome… to The Penumbra.

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS SHUT.

Take your seat, please, take your seat.

MUSIC: STARTS.

The junction lies ahead, so if you’ll allow me just a moment.

SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE.

We are now passing through the Swamp of Titan’s Blooms.

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING.

Our next stop?

SOUND: TRAIN BRAKES.

The Moonlit Hermit.

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS OPEN, RAIN.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGE. SWAMP AMBIANCE.

RILLA: (WHISPERING) It’s nearby. I’m not sure it even knows where I am, but I heard—

SOUND: SAWING.

It’s up there.

(PANTING)

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. CREAKING WOOD, CRASH.

Too close. Gotta throw it off track, gotta—

(GRUNTS)

SOUND: SWISH, THUD. THUMPS DEPARTING.

MUSIC: STARTS.

(PANTING) Okay. Better get started. Not much time left.

(CLEARS THROAT) Research log. Final entry.

My name is Amaryllis of Exile, and that thing you just heard slashing and stomping around… I made it with the monster’s tools, and it’s going to kill me.

I can’t stop it. Neither the magician-lord of this swamp nor his living castle could even put a dent in it, and now… it’s just out here, raising hell and… that’s just what I made by accident. I don’t even want to imagine—

Please. Warn the Citadel. Please. And maybe this story will give them something to go off of.

After the night I tried to escape from Lord Arum’s Keep, the night I made that thing, Arum and I had a conversation which I did not record. All you need to know about it was that he wasn’t happy, and neither was I – but even then, for all his threats, he didn’t hurt me. He just took the Moonlit Hermit with him, told the Keep to grow me a proper room to sleep in, and left. So I didn’t get any more answers until the lizard showed his face the next morning, and we came to… an agreement.

SOUND: MUSIC CUTS OUT, RECORDER TRACK CHANGES. KNOCKING.

ARUM: (THROUGH THE DOOR) Amaryllis.

Amaryllis!

RILLA: You grew this room. Don’t see why you need permission to enter it.

ARUM: (THROUGH THE DOOR) I… don’t need your permission, of course. It’s my Keep. And it’s because of your whining that I— (SIGHS) I’ll come speak with you another time, then. Enjoy your rest, tktktktktktktktk.

SOUND: RUSTLING.

RILLA: No, come on. Wait.

SOUND: DOOR CREAKS OPEN. JUNGLE AMBIANCE.

Sorry. I… might not have slept. At all.

ARUM: You should be sorry. I didn’t sleep either.

And. Well. I suppose I also… apologize.

That… thing.

RILLA: What thing?

ARUM: Your… recording device. It’s on.

RILLA: It is, yeah.

ARUM: I thought I told you to—

RILLA: Yeah, well, I’m not just going to roll over and do everything you say, okay? I want the recorder, and if you want to talk to me, it stays on. You don’t get to care why.

ARUM: …Alright.

So. Did you think at all about my offer?

RILLA: I did.

ARUM: And?

RILLA: I don’t know yet. It isn’t a very good one right now.

ARUM: Then come up with one you prefer. I’m too tired and in too much of a hurry to haggle. Go on.

RILLA: I’m going to want some things in return.

ARUM: Beyond my tutelage? I’m offering you the impossible mysteries of the universe, you—

RILLA: Okay, all this stuff about you teaching me, me working for you? That’s exactly why we couldn’t have this conversation yesterday—

ARUM: Oh, spare me—

RILLA: If you want my help fixing your Keep, I’m not going to be your assistant.

ARUM: Well, I certainly won’t be yours!

RILLA: I never asked for that. We’re going to work together. Share methods together, theorize together, experiment together. But I’m done working for you.

And any questions I have… you have to answer them all. I can’t help you if you don’t let me do my job.

ARUM: That is… logical.

Agreed. With one restriction. There are certain lines of questioning that I cannot, under any circumstances, answer.

RILLA: But—

ARUM: The work I do, and the beings I do it for, are dangerous. Giving up information they’ve protected would ensure my Keep’s death, and I cannot endanger my Keep. That you must understand.

RILLA: …Alright.

ARUM: Well, then. Shall we—

RILLA: One last thing.

ARUM: My, this deal just gets fairer by the second, doesn’t it?

RILLA: If I cure your Keep, you have to let me go home. Seriously this time.

ARUM: I’ve already told you, I can’t—

RILLA: Well, you’re gonna have to, Arum. You’re bargaining with me, and you’re not getting any sleep, and for all the times you’ve threatened to kill me, that’s never really been an option for you. And all that means: you’re desperate. You need me. And that means: I get to name my price.

Well? I want some kind of guarantee—

ARUM: (GROWLS) Keep!

KEEP: (SINGING)

ARUM: For the remainder of her stay within these walls, you are to listen to any requests the human Amaryllis makes. Is that understood?

KEEP: (AFFIRMATIVE SINGING)

RILLA: How am I supposed to know that worked?

ARUM: You’re the researcher. Test it, tktktktktktktktk.

RILLA: Uhhh… okay?

(CLEARS THROAT) Keep! I want to see the way back home! …Uhh, please!

KEEP: (SINGING)

SOUND: STRETCHING, CREAKING.

RILLA: Saints, is that…?

DOOR CREAKS OPEN. SWAMP AMBIANCE.

ARUM: A portal to the swamp’s edge. Now you understand how we came here this quickly. Satisfied?

RILLA: But… could it make a portal to—

ARUM: Only the Swamp of Titan’s Blooms, Amaryllis. (SNORTS) Humans… you show them the impossible and within seconds they already want more.

RILLA: No, it’s just… that’s a lot of power to give me, Arum.

ARUM: (GROWLS) Close the portal, Keep. And put this room away; we won’t be needing it any longer.

KEEP: (SINGING)

SOUND: DOOR CREAKS SHUT. JUNGLE AMBIANCE.

ARUM: When I first told you my Keep was the font from which every Titan’s Bloom springs, I was not telling the full scope of the truth. It is true that all the flowers here are born from the Keep; but so is all life in this swamp. The Keep had a hand in creating every living thing here, and it is the source that keeps them living. If it dies—

RILLA: Then everything in the Swamp of Titan’s Blooms dies, too.

ARUM: Precisely. I cannot expect you to understand the bond I share with such a creature; the depth of emotion and devotion I feel for that which gave me life, and that which it is my birth-duty to protect—

RILLA: So it’s your mom.

ARUM: No it is not! Our– our relationship is far more complicated than that! The Keep has but one familiar at a time, a symbiotic soldier who both harnesses its infinite power and lives only to protect—

RILLA: Right, right, but besides that, it’s basically just your mom. Gave you life, sings you lullabies, gets a lot of attitude. Mom stuff.

ARUM: It is not.

KEEP: (SINGING)

ARUM: You stay out of this, tktktktktktktktk!

RILLA: (LAUGHS)

ARUM: There! Your deal is accepted. You have your answers, you have your freedom, you have my pride. It is ample pay. Now earn it. What do we do?

RILLA: (LAUGHING) Okay, okay, okay.

So. If we’re going to do this right, we’re going to need to perform an exam. Where did the petrification start?

ARUM: How should I know? It’s a massive tower. By the time I noticed it—

RILLA: Then where did you first notice it?

ARUM: In my workshop. When I’m not babysitting troublesome primates that is usually where I am.

RILLA: Then that’s where we go. Keep, could you show me the way to the workshop, please?

KEEP: (AFFIRMATIVE SINGING)

SOUND: DOOR CREAKS OPEN.

RILLA: I think I could get used to this.

ARUM: Ugh.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): Arum’s workshop was the first room in the Keep I’d seen with a window… and Saints. Who knew a swamp could look like that? Flowers as wide as temples. Life of every color. Frogs that spread wine-colored splotches everywhere they touched, herons robed in golden moss, fish that bowed before the swaying trees and then flew, flew, up to the branches to roost. It was so, so…

It was the first time I felt that feeling Damien talks about. When he thinks he sees Saint Damien in the reflection on the water. Hears him in the sound of the rain. Which is impossible, of course, but…

For now, I’ll just say more evidence is needed. So… get on that, I guess.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA: Why are you standing by the door? Come on. A look won’t kill you.

ARUM: It won’t kill me, no. I’m waiting for the clouds to pass; to find a safe spot for this.

SOUND: CHIMES JINGLING.

RILLA: The Moonlit Hermit?

ARUM: Its cage was demolished. And I don’t just leave my most powerful tool lying around.

There. This spot should be safe… and dark.

RILLA: So… that part of the story’s really true, too? This flower that’s powerful enough to bring things to life… just dies in the sunlight?

ARUM: I do wish you’d stop saying that. The Hermit itself doesn’t do anything. It just wants.

(SIGHS) The Hermit lacks almost every basic structure flora require to survive.

MUSIC: STARTS.

So it only lives for one reason: because it wants to, so badly, that physical laws must suspend in its presence. Its will to live is so strong that it lives on that alone.

RILLA: So your theory is that, its will is so strong, it’s contagious, too?

ARUM: Indeed. It speaks to the small amount of life present in every object, whether inanimate, deceased, or… currently alive. Like the abdomen of a Macrachnid, tired of being a thoughtless slave to the head.

RILLA: Yeah, okay, I get it, thanks.

ARUM: Sunlight is the only thing the Hermit wants more than life. So if it gets it… it becomes distracted.

RILLA: And it forgets to live?

ARUM: I wouldn’t put it so crudely. Really it…

Yes, it forgets to live. It finds something that matters more to it. Are you happy, tktktktktktktktk?

MUSIC: ENDS.

RILLA: Huh.

ARUM: That face. What does that face mean?

RILLA: It means I’m thinking.

ARUM: You admit that my methods are superior.

RILLA: Not really. Honestly, you don’t seem to know what you’re talking about.

ARUM: What?!

RILLA: But plenty of scientific breakthroughs have started with fairy tales, so I am interested. Show me what you were working on when you first saw the petrification happen.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): We passed experiment after experiment, and I couldn’t see any use for any of them. In one cage of nettles sat a rodent that belched periodically, inflated until punctured by a thorn, then deflated and started over again. In another stood a small creature with many faces, busily whispering insults to itself. In a third grew a flower that changed its color every time I blinked, its roots twined around a scrap of silk.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

ARUM: Prototypes, mostly. I keep intending to get rid of them, but disposal is such a lengthy process.

RILLA: Couldn’t you just… let them go?

ARUM: Let them go. (BIG LAUGH) Nearly half of my work is ensuring these creations don’t get free, Amaryllis. New species can be fatal to an ecosystem – as you saw with these.

SOUND: JAR OPENS. INSECT BUZZING, HEARTBEAT.

RILLA: The grubs… from beneath the Numbcap! Saints… there are so many of them!

ARUM: Yes. It took many weeks of tireless testing to get through all of these. And in the end not a single one did as I needed.

SOUND: JAR SHUTS.

RILLA: Hey, I was looking—

ARUM: And now you aren’t.

I still don’t know how they got out and I can’t risk another breach.

RILLA: But… what are they for?

ARUM: A contract. Other monsters hired me to make… something. They are one failed attempt.

RILLA: But what—?

ARUM: I warned you when we began this that there would be some questions I could not answer. This is one of them.

RILLA: Arum!

ARUM: I can only assure you, that after their escape, the Keep and I spent many sleepless nights studying them, and studying them, and I do not think they could be the cause of the Keep’s illness.

Here. You may look into their case, if you wish. It’s Vanishwood – just pass your hand over the side. I’ll gather supplies that may prove useful, tktktktktktktktk.

SOUND: SLITHERING.

RILLA: Research log, entry four-three-zero-one. Observing what appears to be a colony of those grubs I found beneath the Numbcap… Lord Arum’s creations. Interesting. My original sample didn’t exhibit any unusual behavior, but, when you put them in a group they cluster and move as one unit. I think I see something behind them, but they keep getting in the way. Come on, come on!

Uch, seriously? No matter where I look, they—

…keep moving in my way. They cluster where I look before I look there… like they know where that’s going to be.

Agh, I can just catch glimpses of what they’re blocking. It looks like… a rolled-up cloth of some kind? A scarf?

ARUM: Have you found anything interesting?

RILLA: (GASPS) Don’t sneak up on me like that.

ARUM: I will not alter my walking just because you have primitive ears, Amaryllis. Are you satisfied?

RILLA: Nope, but it sounds like I just have to get used to that. (SIGHS) Whatever tools you used to make these grubs… can you bring them back to the greenhouse with us? I want to run some checks on them.

ARUM: Keep. Bring the tools Amaryllis has requested to the greenhouse – and open the way for us, as well.

KEEP: (TIRED SINGING)

SOUND: STRETCHING, CREAKING.

(SINGING)

SOUND: METAL CLATTERING.

ARUM: Be careful! Those tools took months to grow, you oaf!

RILLA: Arum… the door! It’s—

ARUM: Petrifying. (HISSES)

SOUND: CRACKING, CRUMBLING.

(STRAINING) Open this door! I told you to open… it!

SOUND: CLANK.

Yah!

RILLA: Arum!

ARUM: It’s alright. I’m alright.

No thanks to my Keep!

KEEP: (TIRED, SAD SINGING)

RILLA: Arum… it’s sick.

ARUM: Oh, is it sick? Is it tired? Because I’m certainly tired, too, but I’m at least holding up my end of the bargain, aren’t I? We’re supposed to protect each other, you ungrateful plant! Are you even trying?!

RILLA: Arum… come on. Of course it’s trying. It’s just—

ARUM: It’s fought off illness before! And curses, and sieges, and…! If it wanted to live, it would. It’s chosen to give up!

Haven’t you? Haven’t you!

KEEP: (TIRED, SAD SINGING)

RILLA: Stop. I know you’re upset, but this isn’t helping. If the problem was just that the Keep didn’t want to get better… it would already be dead. When people really give up… it’s over pretty quickly.

ARUM: Then the only thing those people are missing is… the will to live.

Get out of my way.

SOUND: SLITHERING.

RILLA: What? Where are you going?

ARUM: Your compulsion to gather facts and put them all in a row might be effective for your simple concerns, but when you grapple with a near-infinite being you must employ near-infinite power.

RILLA: What are you doing with the Hermit?

ARUM: What do you think? Move.

SOUND: SLITHERING.

RILLA: Arum, we don’t know what that’s going to do. At this stage, we have to be careful!

ARUM: We should never have gotten to this stage in the first place. I’m getting us out of it.

SOUND: BOTTLE UNCORKS. LIQUID POURING. CHIMES JINGLING.

There, little Hermit… teach this Keep the value of a life, that it may fight this stone away, tktktktktktktktk.

SOUND: TWO DROPLETS.

KEEP: (CURIOUS SINGING)

ARUM: There. You see, Amaryllis, how the color returns to this stone?

RILLA: I do.

KEEP: (STRAINED WORKING SONG)

SOUND: STRETCHING, CREAKING.

ARUM: The doors. This is the effort I’ve been looking for. Learn from the Moonlit Hermit, my Keep. With enough will, enough desire, even death itself holds no power—

KEEP: (HIGH, PAINED NOTE)

SOUND: POP.

ARUM: (HISSES)

RILLA: Whoa!

SOUND: CRACKING, CRUMBLING.

ARUM: Push it back, Keep! Try, tktktktktktktktk!

KEEP: (EXHAUSTED SINGING)

ARUM: No excuses!

Try it again.

SOUND: CHIMES JINGLING.

RILLA: Uh-uh! No way! Gimme that!

ARUM: Amaryllis… this was effective. It fixed things, for a moment.

RILLA: Do you think your Keep could take another shock like that? Do you? Because your workshop is starting to look like a quarry.

ARUM: That is just how magic operates. When you reach for the cosmos, there are no guarantees. What didn’t work then may work now. We will not know unless we try.

RILLA: So magic is inconsistent.

ARUM: Exactly.

RILLA: And so: useless. Huh. That’s good to know.

ARUM: What?

RILLA: You can reach for the cosmos, Arum, and that’s great. But sometimes you just want what’s right in front of you. That’s when you gather evidence.

ARUM: Hah!

RILLA: The reason we want results to be consistent is because some things are too valuable to risk on a maybe. Like your Keep, for example. So: we have to figure out the problem, and in order to that, we need data. Do you have a microscope?

ARUM: A what?

RILLA: It lets you see things that are really, really small. If I could get a closer look at the Keep’s cell structure, I might be able to—

ARUM: Why should you care what things so small look like? Perhaps they don’t want to be seen.

RILLA: (SIGHS) I need to take a sample, at least. Do you have a chisel, or something? I want to see if there’s any living tissue underneath this stone.

ARUM: (GRUMBLES)

SOUND: SCRAPING.

Here. The Keep dropped it, so let’s hope it isn’t broken, tktktktktktktktk.

RILLA: It’s a pick, Arum, I don’t think dropping… whatever.

SOUND: SHOVELING DIRT.

This spot should do.

SOUND: SHARP TAPS.

ARUM: What are you even hoping to find?

RILLA: Well, I hope I find the cause of the Keep’s illness, but I don’t expect—

ARUM: Hah! Typical human overconfidence. Be careful of what you unearth with that blade, little Amaryllis – for your own sake. The secrets this Keep holds tie into the very fabric of the universe. To think you will be able to contain them within your small human mind is pride itself—

RILLA: Found it.

ARUM: What.

RILLA: Yeah, look at this.

SOUND: SLITHERING.

See that white fuzz on the greenery packed in there? Mildew. Pretty common plant infection.

ARUM: And it typically causes flora to turn into stone?

RILLA: Just eats them, usually. But, if their host has this much magic rolling around inside it… I, I don’t know. If I had my lab I could do some tests on it, but…

ARUM: But?

RILLA: Your tools are very, very, very, very bad.

ARUM: Ungrateful—!

RILLA: But hey, the study of medicine’s way older than proper measurements. It was less accurate then, but still followed the same rules: test, take notes, test some more, and once you’ve found a pattern, use it. So get some paper ready, Arum: I’m sending you and the Keep out shopping.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): I had a plan in mind, but it was going to require a lot of supplies. I gave Arum my list, and he translated it into terms the Keep could understand.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA: I need a ruler – something that will help me measure length.

ARUM: Keep, a stick with notches at regular intervals.

RILLA: And some pure water with a few drops of oil. A few gallons of that would be great.

ARUM: That’s two gourds of Spring-Dew with Bloatnut runoff, Keep.

RILLA: Some kind of device for spraying… and for holding it all together.

ARUM: A Spitting Lily and a ball of Macrachnid web.

RILLA: And some baking soda. That’s the white powder stuff you find under—

ARUM: And some baking soda.

Don’t make that face. Monsters have made this land’s finest cakes for thousands of years, tktktktk—

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): And then, we put it all together: a solution comprised of the water, oil, and baking soda, poured into bags tied and fastened to the Spitting Lillies. An antifungal spray not unlike the kind I used at home.

The first tests were promising.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA: Here we go…

SOUND: SPRAY. SIZZLE.

Alright. I think we’re onto something.

ARUM: So… that’s it, then?

Then why is there still stone everywhere, tktktktktktktktk?

RILLA: Because that was just the first test. Help me make another bottle for you. We have a lot of stone to cover.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): It took most of the day to finish that room. And in that time Arum and I didn’t have much to do, besides talk.

Getting to know him reminded me of meeting Damien, in some ways. He was still a knight-in-training back then, a hypochondriac who’d made himself a thorn in the heel of every doctor he went to… and when he took a blow from his first real monster, nobody in the Citadel would treat him. So, he had to come to me. (CHUCKLES) Scorpion Queen venom, I remember. He was such an awful patient. Always trying to make grand gestures of strength or heroism, always making himself sicker.

But, in his quiet moments, when he’d tell me his stories, we’d get lost in them. They were beautiful, and so funny. And we could talk for hours, he was so curious about my work, and—

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

DAMIEN: And so the great doctor took the warrior’s mighty belt and ventured on into the plague-stricken night. Oh, Rilla, it was a bright twilight then, the sky shimmering as black silk before a raging flame, and—

Wha– what is that?

RILLA: Don’t stop.

DAMIEN: Is that– that’s your recording device, isn’t it?

RILLA: Yes, and? I just wanted to have this story for later, too.

DAMIEN: (COUGHS) Yes, but, well– I wasn’t– p-perhaps it wasn’t meant for any time but this, a-as only, i-i-if I knew it would be recorded I would have, perhaps, written it down, revised it, or— (COUGHING)

RILLA: Stop, stop, stop. If you don’t calm down that venom’s never going to get out of your system.

DAMIEN: (PANTING) Y-yes… doctor…

RILLA: (GIGGLES)

DAMIEN: What? What is it? My face, i-it’s gone a color, hasn’t it? Rose Fever! Oh, Saint Damien, I knew I would die this way, pink-cheeked and babbling—

RILLA: No, no, you’re fine. You’re just…

It’s cute, when you get all riled up. When you call me doctor. Annoying, but… cute.

DAMIEN: Annoyed? Oh, Saints, I’ve annoyed you! A thousand lashes on my person, a thousand thousand—

RILLA: (LAUGHS)

DAMIEN: What? What did I…?

(CHUCKLES) Oh. Well… that is rather funny. (LAUGH-COUGHING)

RILLA: Now, go on. Tell me more about this doctor. How beautiful was she?

DAMIEN: Beautiful, of course, beautiful. But her beauty was nothing compared to her mind, sharp as the blade and patient as its whetstone. Why, it’s said she once outwitted a tower full of Sphinxes, an Academy, no less—

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): And… those stories… that time with him? That was worth the world. Worth every late night panic. Worth everything.

Arum doesn’t tell stories. Or ask questions, really. But… he does have his moments.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

ARUM: My, this is an interesting patch… I’ll have to keep you for further study, tktktktktktk—

SOUND: SPRAY.

(HISSES) My cape! You’ve gotten serum all over my cape!

RILLA: Had to get your attention somehow. Now get down here and—

SOUND: SPRAY.

(YELPS) My hair!

ARUM: There. Now we’re even—

SOUND: SPRAY.

(HISSES)

RILLA: You can take your cloak off! I can’t take off my hair!

ARUM: You… can’t?

SOUND: SPRAY.

Agh, stop that, tktktktktktktktk!

SOUND: SPRAY.

RILLA: (GIGGLING) Missed me!

ARUM: Stand… still…

SOUND: SPRAY.

(HISSES)

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): I don’t know why I’m saying this. I know that the Citadel has to protect itself from monsterkind. But…

I’ve seen so many knights kill so many monsters, like I killed Arum’s weeds, without a second thought. And even if Arum is a threat, and even if he does have to be dealt with…

He isn’t all bad. I guess that’s all I’m really saying. He’s—

SOUND: THUMP.

(GASPS)

The antifungal spray we made got rid of the mildew… but, it didn’t cure the Keep.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

ARUM: A bit of green’s returned to this stone… and if I’m not mistaken it’s grown a bit softer.

So we’re really to take it that all this trouble was caused by some common fungus?

RILLA: Not necessarily all. It could have caused a strange immune response in the Keep – the stone as a way to protect itself. Or, this one infection could have weakened the Keep and made way for another, or—

ARUM: Then which one is it?

RILLA: It could take years to figure all that out, Arum. I said science was consistent. I never said it was fast.

ARUM: But in the meantime, my Keep is saved. (CHUCKLES) We’ve done it.

RILLA: We did.

ARUM: Tell me, Amaryllis: did you ever fear we might not get out of here alive?

RILLA: Only for the first eleven hours.

ARUM: But we’ve only been in here for elev—

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Oh, that’s quite good, isn’t it? (LAUGHS)

RILLA: (LAUGHS)

And Keep, how do you feel?

KEEP: (TIRED HAPPY SINGING)

ARUM: (LAUGHS) It’s saved! My Keep is saved! We’ve done it, tktktktktktktktk!

RILLA: Oh! Uh… haha… ah, uh, Arum?

ARUM: Yes, Amaryllis?

RILLA: Maybe you should… put me down, now.

ARUM: …Oh. Yes, yes, that seems… right.

RILLA: …Thanks.

ARUM: (CLEARS THROAT) That’s… hm… sleep exhaustion. Natural biological response. I blame you entirely.

RILLA: It’s really okay, Arum – but, maybe we should just, uh—

ARUM: Go. Yes, agreed.

SOUND: SLITHERING. CREAK.

(GRUNTS)

Hm. But the door, it seems, is still… (GRUNTS)

SOUND: CREAK.

Petrified.

RILLA: Right, no, that makes sense. We only got this room. You’ll have to do this for the whole Keep if you want to really drive the illness back.

ARUM: And if we’re sealed in here… you plan to have the Keep apply its own cure. Interesting.

RILLA: Exactly. Keep!

KEEP: (TIRED SINGING)

RILLA: That process we just did? I want you to use your vines to do that everywhere you can. Think you’ve got it?

Uh… Keep?

KEEP: (TIRED WORKING SONG)

SOUND: STRETCHING, CREAKING.

KEEP: (SINGING FADES OUT)

RILLA: That… doesn’t sound good.

ARUM: It certainly does not.

Keep. You will do as Amaryllis says. Apply the medicine. Now.

SOUND: STRETCHING, CREAKING.

KEEP: (SAD, TIRED SINGING)

SOUND: CRACKING, CRUMBLING.

RILLA: The petrification is spreading again!

ARUM: Keep! Stop that this instant! Your lord and creation commands you!

KEEP: (HIGH PAINED NOTE)

ARUM: Keep! You will open this door!

SOUND: POUNDING ON DOOR.

Open it at once! Keep!

RILLA: (AFTER A PAUSE) Arum… I’m sorry.

ARUM: (PANTING) I hope you’re happy with yourself.

RILLA: Me? You think this is my fault?

ARUM: Of course it is. You gave it the command that turned it to stone, tktktktktktktktk!

RILLA: The Hermit hurt it much worse than that! And whatever was causing this started before I got here! You know that!

ARUM: (GROWLS) We lived perfectly well on our own.

RILLA: Yeah, until you kidnapped me.

ARUM: Oh, this again.

RILLA: Yeah, this again! This forever, actually!

ARUM: Then I suppose you’ve had your revenge, haven’t you? Congratulations.

RILLA: I didn’t do this. This wasn’t revenge.

ARUM: Call it whatever you like, it’s a purely human concept. Revenge, fairness, this sense that everything must balance out. It’s the ugliest part of thinking everything should make sense. Because when you believe the scales should be even and someone adds a slight to your side, you add a slight to theirs, and all you’ve done is created a crueler world than you started with.

RILLA: You don’t get off that easily. I had a family. Friends. You shouldn’t have kidnapped me.

ARUM: Oh, should. It’s always should, isn’t it? Should I have kidnapped you? No. But I’ve also never asked you for forgiveness, have I? Well, have I? (SNORTS) You humans. You get so caught up in what should be true that you never think about what is. Everything in its little box, hmm? I should not have done what I did, so do whatever you like to me. Never mind the fact that I should never have met you, should never have had to step into that cesspit Citadel in the first place!

It’s evil, this need to categorize, to call things good and bad. Justification for crushing those who have already been crushed. Evil.

RILLA: Yeah, okay, so, you’re really not in a good place to talk right now.

ARUM: Oh, yes! Casting judgment is so easy, isn’t it?

Where are you going? We’re trapped in here!

RILLA: Commanding the Keep isn’t working right now, and you’re in a mood, so I’m just killing time until one of those things changes. Could you hand me that Macrachnid silk?

ARUM: (GRUNTS) I don’t see how that helps.

RILLA: Maybe it doesn’t.

ARUM: What happened to your reproducible results? Your “it has to work every time”?

RILLA: It’s been a big day. Maybe I learned something.

SOUND: GUITAR NOTE.

This’ll work.

ARUM: …What are you doing?

SOUND: STRETCHING.

RILLA: Measuring the silk. Cut here, please.

ARUM: Ridiculous.

SOUND: SNIP.

RILLA: And here…

SOUND: SNIP.

and here…

SOUND: SNIP.

and here.

ARUM: (GROWLS)

SOUND: TAPPING. STRETCHING.

RILLA: Mmm, now, I’ll just fasten these to half of one of the gourds, and… aha!

SOUND: GUITAR STRUM.

ARUM: What’s that grinning? What are you doing?

RILLA: Proving a point.

SOUND: GUITAR NOTES.

ARUM: Of course. It’s always an argument with you, isn’t it?

Don’t look so smug, tktktktktktktktk! I’ll show you.

SOUND: SAWING, HAMMERING, STRETCHING.

There. See? No measurements required.

RILLA: Alright. Play it.

ARUM: Gladly.

SOUND: DISCORDANT-BAD CHORD.

What? I must be holding it wrong.

SOUND: DISCORDANT NOTES.

(HISSES)

SOUND: MORE DISCORDANT NOTES. GRUNT, ONE LAST DISCORDANT NOTE.

A waste of time, tktktktktktktktk.

RILLA: Huh. So, do you want to know why yours didn’t work?

SOUND: GUITAR NOTES.

ARUM: Because sometimes magic just doesn’t, as our current situation demonstrates. And music, obviously, is a form of magic.

RILLA: (LAUGHS)

ARUM: What? What’s so funny?

RILLA: Music’s not magic, Arum. Come on – music is math.

ARUM: We invented mathematics before you. But we moved on to something better.

RILLA: You found something bigger, maybe. But there’s something beautiful about things that work every time, isn’t there? Something comfortable. The same notes always make a chord; it’s all about counting the same chunks of time. It can even have psychological effects, slowing heart rate, and preventing rushing thoughts and—

ARUM: You said can. Not must. So much for reliable, hm?

RILLA: I guess that’s a fair point.

MUSIC: STARTS.

Meet me by the river / Where the elderberries—

ARUM: What?

MUSIC: STOPS.

What– what are you doing?

RILLA: Uh… singing?

ARUM: Why!

RILLA: I thought it might be fun? And, like… what else are we going to do?

ARUM: (GROWLS) …You may continue.

RILLA: Oooookay.

MUSIC: STARTS.

Meet me by the river / Where the elderberries grow / When stars are silver / No one has to know…

MUSIC: ENDS.

KEEP: No one has to know…

RILLA: Saints above, what the—

ARUM: Shhhh! Keep going!

MUSIC: STARTS.

RILLA: Meet me by the river / By driftwood and stone / I’ll float down with her / No one has to know…

KEEP: (HARMONIZING)

RILLA: And if the old man caught me stealin’ / Wouldn’t bother to lie / Momma let her baby grow through the ceiling / But do we wonder why? / She seems so bitter / Bitten by the cold / I’ll watch her shiver / And leave her alone…

MUSIC: ENDS.

KEEP: Meet me by the river / Where the elderberries grow / When stars are silver / No one has to know…

(SNORING)

RILLA: More… petrification?

ARUM: No. It’s… asleep.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard the Keep sleep before.

RILLA: Must be tired.

ARUM: That’s ridicu—

That’s…

RILLA & ARUM: (IN UNISON) That’s it.

RILLA: Sleep deprivation causes a weakened immune system…

ARUM: And its mood has been poor…

RILLA: Depression, skin problems, poor self-care…

ARUM: All that work I made it do… all those sleepless nights.

RILLA: Why don’t… we try the door?

ARUM: That sounds… like an excellent idea, Amaryllis.

SOUND: SLITHERING. GRUNTS, DOOR CREAKS OPEN.

RILLA: So I guess we’re free.

ARUM: We are. And now I owe you your payment.

(CLEARS THROAT) Follow me. I will show you your way out, now.

RILLA: But… don’t you want to make sure—

ARUM: No, no, I think it should be now. And bring the Hermit, would you? After the trouble it’s caused, I… don’t know what I am going to do with it, but I’d rather it not stay here.

SOUND: SLITHERING. GRASS RUSTLING, CHIMES JINGLING. RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): Because the Keep was asleep, it wouldn’t respond to our commands, so instead of Arum’s magic door we had to use the real front door, far, far below us. Carrying the Moonlit Hermit all that way was… like a dream. I could feel that glow within it, and I could feel my old hopes stirring again, and I could feel my fear, too – of the things it had made. Of what it had made the Keep do to itself. I didn’t know what we were going to do with it. None of the options made me feel any better.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES. CHIMES JINGLING GENTLY.

ARUM: This must be strange to you. A patient who would get better if it rested, but who insists on writhing.

RILLA: That’s pretty typical, actually.

So… how do you think the Keep learned that song? It’s an old folk tune, way back from the First Citadel, I think. How’s a monster plant learn that?

ARUM: I don’t know. A traveling human, maybe. Or perhaps a traveling human learned the song from it. I’m not sure how we’d ever learn the difference.

RILLA: You sang it beautifully.

ARUM: O– oh. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT) But, you see, this proves my point exactly.

RILLA: What point?

ARUM: Music. It’s magical in nature.

RILLA: Oh, come on, really—

ARUM: I’ve never lost in debate before and I won’t lose now. It’s magical. The lullaby that the Keep sung me as a whelp – it didn’t work every time, did it? Unpredictable. You can do everything right and it doesn’t always have the desired effect. Sleep, or the aesthetic beauty of the notes, or what-have-you.

RILLA: Huh. Yeah, I guess you’re right.

ARUM: And besides, according to the great sorcerer and former Keep-Lord Purple-Plumed Vaxellius, music is firmly– what was that?

RILLA: Kind of right, anyway. I mean… why can’t it be both?

ARUM: Nonsense.

RILLA: No, I mean… maybe, that’s what makes music special. It uses these predictable scales and measures, and combines them with some unpredictable something—

ARUM: Magic. And what comes out isn’t really either. It’s… more.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): I looked at him, and… his eyes. His violet eyes.

Subject: Amaryllis of Exile. Input: interaction with the monster Arum, Lord of the Swamp. Observations: Accelerated heart rate. Sweating palms. A rushing feeling, like… riding a horse, like falling, like… reaching the top of a mountain and seeing just how small you really are. Racing thoughts. A tingling in the lips.

I looked at him, and I felt… what I guess, is a kind of magic.

And I think he did, too.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

ARUM: (CLEARS THROAT) Nonsense, of course. But… a nice theory, anyway.

RILLA: Right. Nonsense. Right.

ARUM: And… how did you know the singing would work? You finished your instrument with such purpose.

RILLA: Right, right. The singing.

Uh, honestly? It wasn’t for the Keep to start. It was for… you?

Because you sounded worried, I mean. Anxious.

ARUM: Doctor, scientist, musician… how many hats do you wear, Amaryllis?

RILLA: Whichever one I think is interesting today. There are just so many things to know about, you know? And so many interesting people who know all about them. Doctors and scientists and poets and…

ARUM: Knights.

RILLA: And knights.

ARUM: I imagine you must be excited to rejoin them, then.

RILLA: I am. I miss them.

ARUM: Well.

SOUND: SLITHERING.

You to your home. And me to mine.

RILLA: Yeah.

Um… Arum?

ARUM: Yes, Amaryllis?

RILLA: You said… that those grubs… they’re for a contract with some other monsters. Right?

ARUM: (SNORTS)

RILLA: Arum… what are you making for them?

ARUM: I cannot tell you that.

RILLA: If you’re making weapons for the monsters to use against the Citadel… Arum, that’s my home.

ARUM: Of course.

RILLA: There are people that I love there, Arum, just like you love this Keep. If there’s any way I can protect them—

ARUM: Foolish… should have known better.

RILLA: You aren’t listening to me.

ARUM: Oh, but I understand you, Amaryllis. I may have had a lapse in judgment, but I understood you perfectly well the moment we met. Whether you round up or down, you always need things to come out neatly – true or false, honesty or lies. Any creature that cannot tolerate the grayness in between cannot be trusted.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

So go. Leave.

RILLA: I’m just trying to protect my friends. My family!

ARUM: And I mine. We are at war.

SOUND: SWAMP AMBIANCE.

It was foolish of us to forget that. Even for a moment.

Farewell, Amaryllis. I am… glad to have met you. And so I hope the universe wills us peace such that we never see each other again.

RILLA: Arum—

ARUM: I said farewell!

RILLA: Ah!

SOUND: SPLASH, DOOR SLAMS SHUT. WET FOOTSTEPS.

You don’t just get to hide away! Your actions—

SOUND: POUNDING ON DOOR.

—have consequences, you… you coward! (PANTING)

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES.

RILLA (NARRATOR): And now… here we are. Just me, and thatthing out there, and—

SOUND: CHIMES JINGLING.

…the Moonlit Hermit. I don’t know why I still have it. Before I broke my ankle, I kept meaning to throw it out, but… then I’d think about what I could make with it. What humanity could make with it. Because, if the monsters have been planning something, making weapons? Then we’re going to need all the help we can get. Right?

And so… in the name of survival, we take the weapon too terrible for a monster, and – what? Keep struggling for life like nothing else matters? Make abominations and trade away our souls just because we’re so afraid to die?

SOUND: GEARS SPINNING, RECORDER PLAYS.

ARUM (FROM RECORDER): Yes, it forgets to live. It finds something that matters more to it. Are you happy, tktktktk?

SOUND: RECORDER STOPS, QUIET. THEN THUMPS APPROACHING.

RILLA: That’s maybe… the most important question I’ve ever asked. And… I’m not going to live to see how it works out, am I?

And so… I guess I leave it to you, whoever you are. I can’t make you do anything, but… please. Just think. And do the right thing.

And tell Damien that I love him. Tell him that I lived for him like he lived for me. Please.

End of log.

SOUND: RECORDER TRACK CHANGES. LONG SILENCE. RECORDER TRACK CHANGES. THUMPS.

RILLA: (DEEP BREATH) Alright, Rilla… be brave, be brave…

SOUND: MACRACHNID CLICKS. SAWING.

If you’re going to do it, just do it!

SOUND: MACRACHNID SQUEAL. BLADE SLASH. GRUNT, WET STAB, CRUNCH, MACRACHNID PAINED SCREAM. GRUNTS, MACRACHNID SCREAM FADES OUT.

SIR CAROLINE: Hmph. I was told that the Swamp of Titan’s Blooms held the most terrible monsters of this region. How disappointing.

RILLA: (PANTING) You… you killed it. I thought it couldn’t… I thought it was…

CAROLINE: Invincible? (LAUGHS) Perhaps for a lesser warrior. One distracted by women or poetry.

RILLA: Poetry?

CAROLINE: You’re right. On second thought, the women are fine. Now, let’s get you up. (GRUNTS)

RILLA: (PAINED GASPS)

CAROLINE: There you are…

You. I recognize you. Why do I recognize you?

RILLA: You’re the lady knight. Sir… Caroline? Right?

CAROLINE: (SIGHS) And you’re the missing herbalist whose name I’ve blocked out completely.

RILLA: It’s Rilla.

CAROLINE: Don’t say it again. Your fiancé has been shouting at me for weeks.

RILLA: Damien? You’ve been with Damien? Where is he?

CAROLINE: On the other side of the lake, where he belongs.

You’re… certain you want to marry him? Really? I’m not even sure I want him alive, to be honest.

RILLA: Wait, wait, slow down. Are you all out here to save me?

CAROLINE: Ugh. No. I am the Queen’s Investigator-General. Saving little lost girls is well below my pay grade.

There have been monsters with powers of manipulation running rampant across these lands for months, now – and according to your Damien, one such monster had its claws upon you. A lizard of some sort, I’ve been told. Repeatedly. At high volumes.

RILLA: A… lizard?

CAROLINE: Indeed. …What’s happened to you, exactly? Injured during your escape, were you?

RILLA: It wasn’t an escape, really, i—

CAROLINE: You were captured. What else would it be?

RILLA: He… let me go.

CAROLINE: Oh, did he? Sent you on your way home with a packed lunch and a pat on the head, hmm?

RILLA: No, it wasn’t that, it was—

CAROLINE: Treason, then?

RILLA: Wh… what?

CAROLINE: Well, if you didn’t escape and he didn’t let you go, that’s the only conclusion left that I can think of. You came to an agreement with a monster. And that is, by definition, treason. And a Knight of the Crown may deliver punishment for treason wherever and whenever she pleases.

RILLA: That isn’t true. Damien says that a trial—

CAROLINE: That may not be true, but I see no one here to say otherwise.

RILLA: You’re a knight. Aren’t you supposed to help people?

CAROLINE: I am supposed to protect the Citadel at all costs, and that is precisely what I am doing.

RILLA: The Citadel… we have to go, now! The monsters, they’re planning an assault, and if we don’t get back and tell the Queen—

CAROLINE: Hm, it sounds like we’re running out of time, then.

RILLA: We are.

CAROLINE: A fact which concerns you greatly.

RILLA: It does!

CAROLINE: Then in that case I think you ought to get on with it and tell me: where is the lizard I must slay?

RILLA: Please, he’s—

CAROLINE: He’s what?

RILLA: He’s… that way.

CAROLINE: I thought you might come to reason.

SOUND: BLADE SHEATHING.

Well. Lead the way.

RILLA: My ankle’s twisted. Broken, probably. I need something to make a splint.

CAROLINE: Then find it. Quickly.

MUSIC: STARTS. RILLA: See those sticks over there? In that patch of sunlight? Bring me to them and I’ll make the splint myself.

CAROLINE: Hmph!

SOUND: GRUNTS, PANTING.

RILLA: Thank you.

SOUND: CHIMES JINGLING.

CAROLINE: What was that?

RILLA: What was what?

CAROLINE: You dropped something just now. I saw—

RILLA: Well, where is it, then?

CAROLINE: Very well.

You have two minutes to build your splint.

RILLA: I need at least fifteen—

CAROLINE: You have two. Minutes.

And then… we have a lizard to hunt.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING, MUSIC.

CONDUCTOR: If you’ve enjoyed this tale, please consider donating to The Penumbra on Patreon. Our artists work tirelessly to bring you these stories, and if you have the means, we hope you will support our efforts. Every dollar helps. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. If you support us on Patreon at the $10 level or higher, you’ll receive access to commentary tracks like this one, from co-creators Sophie Kaner and Kevin Vibert, and composer Ryan Vibert:

SOUND: TRAIN STOPS, DOOR SLIDES OPEN, RAIN.

RYAN: …person, both of them.

SOPHIE: Well, they have a lot in common. But, like, y’know, he kidnapped her.

KEVIN: Yeah and I think one of the, the things that made this so much harder, than the Damien and Arum relationship, is that, like, the Damien and Arum relationship goes a long way just based on wantin’ some smooches. It, like, that is—

SOPHIE: Smooches, yeah.

KEVIN: —smoo– yup.

SOPHIE: (GIGGLES)

KEVIN: Ah. This is a PG program, folks.

RYAN: Big– they’re big smooch, smooch fellas, yeah.

KEVIN: Big—!

SOPHIE: (LAUGHS)

KEVIN & SOPHIE: (IN UNISON) Smooch! Fellas!

SOUND: DOOR SLIDES SHUT.

CONDUCTOR: You can also support The Penumbra by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter @thepenumbrapod, following us on Tumblr @thepenumbrapodcast, telling your friends about us, telling your friends to tell their friends about us, and especially by rating and reviewing our podcast on iTunes. Every rating, comment, and kind word spreads our stories further and inspires us to keep creating more and better tales to come.

We would like to give special thanks to all who support us on Patreon, but especially to Camille Blanton, Cantaloupe, Fiona Parker, Ota Arcana, Juno Yanto, Regan, Ko, KC, Kim Zeugen, Atha Lang, Vron, Charlie Spiegel, Minchowski, and Jaimie Gunter for their incredibly generous contributions per episode. Thank you.

Did you know that The Penumbra has merchandise for sale? It’s true! The Penumbra has partnered with DFTBA to bring you the posters, shirts, and pins your heart desires. Just go to dftba.com and search for The Penumbra Podcast.

This tale, the Moonlit Hermit, was told by the following people: Melissa Ennulat as Rilla, Noah Simes as Lord Arum, Kate Jones and Kat Buckingham as the Keep, Matthew Zahnzinger as Sir Damien, and Leslie Drescher as Sir Caroline, with musical direction by Melissa Ennulat, and assistance by Kat Buckingham.

The Penumbra is created and produced by Sophie Kaner and Kevin Vibert. If you wish to know more about our ever-expanding, infinitely-creative team of artists, musicians, editors, designers, and managers, you can read about them in the show notes of this episode.

I’m afraid this is the end of the line for today, dear Traveler. We hope you will ride with The Penumbra again soon.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

[magmasliveblogs]

1.08

ok looks like this time of posting is becoming a theme recently. i didnt want it to be this way but life gets in the way. anyway, we are at the 9th chapter! to recap: last chapter erin fed a drake named relc and an antinium (bug people) named klblch. they turned out to be guardsmen from a local city the bugman, klb, used a pretty high grade healing potion to cure erins hand, which turned out to be from the fish! 

Erin woke up with a big smile on her face.

Actually, she woke up and went back to sleep several times before the sunlight got too bright to ignore. But when she eventually got up and ate breakfast she got around to the big smile.

It came when she was eating more blue fruit and she realized she was using two hands. Erin had to stop and stare at her right palm for a while. She poked the clean, unscarred, uncut skin and grinned.

“Healing potions are awesome.”

She sat back in her chair, flexing her hands. It didn’t hurt. It was amazing how much it didn’t hurt. And she owed it all to a giant ant man and a lizard…Drake. What were their names again?

“Klbkch and…Drake Guy.”

Erin sighed as the memories returned and gave her a hard time.

the pleasure of waking up and going back to sleep a couple times is great 

“Seriously. They were so normal. But apparently I’m normal too. There are other humans around here at least. But leveling? Classes? Am I an Innkeeper? Do I innkeep? How does that work?”

Then she remembered something else.

“I leveled up again.”

Erin poked her chest. She felt there should be some sense of accomplishment from within, but all she felt was vaguely full. But she remembered.

“[Basic Crafting]. Might as well give it a shot. I’m out of fruit, anyways.”

i dont know what crafting has to do with fruit but im excited to find out what sort of fruit based things can be crafted

It was an uneventful trip to the blue fruit trees. As Erin gazed up at the blue fruits she wondered for the first time how many there were left to eat. She counted.

“…Looks like I’ve got a few weeks before I run out. But bleh, eating just blue fruit all the time would be disgusting. At least there’s some ingredients left for pasta if I can find more eggs.”

But what would happen when her small cupboard ran out? What then?

Erin touched the pocket of her jeans and heard the clink of coins. Right, she had some money. But how much was it? And more importantly, how could she spend it? It wasn’t as if she could eat metal.

Grumbling to herself, Erin loaded up with blue fruits. It was getting annoying carrying them all by hand. She dropped a lot of them which bruised the skin and made the fruit taste mushy. So why not try making something?

Erin stared at the ground. She had…grass. She stared at the trees. She had wood. But she had no way of cutting that wood, so it was no good. She stared at the grass. Something in her brain lit up.

“Let’s see. If I take this long grass and tie this knot here…”

Erin hunkered down and started picking the longer clumps of grass and testing their durability. She started tying knots and cutting with the knife. She found she had to focus on her task – she couldn’t just go on autopilot, but at the same time there was a certainty in what she was doing. And in less than twenty minutes she was looking at a basket made of grass.

“Whoa.”

Erin held up the basket and inspected it. It was lightweight, but durable. She experimentally tossed all the blue fruits she’d gathered into it and lifted it. The grass basket pulled downwards, but the woven handle didn’t tear. It was a real basket. Made of grass.

Was it tacky? Yes. Did she feel like she should be dancing with pom poms on a deserted island? Yes. Was that a terrible thought to have? Probably. And should she feel ashamed of herself? She already was. But she had a basket.

And more importantly, she had a plan.

good thing there is a city nearby, you dont have to rely on these food sources. also it seems [basic crafting] is very good 

What could you do with a basket? Well, you could eat and walk at the same time since you had a free hand. Erin cored a few blue fruits and hung on to the seed pods. Then she went looking for eggs.

It took her about an hour before she found another nest. When she spotted the telltale brown shape hunkering in the long grass, Erin stomped over making as much noise as possible.

This time the thing that erupted from the grass didn’t fly away immediately. Instead, the dino-bird screeched and dove at her. Erin stood her ground, reached into her basket and threw a seed core.

She missed.

But the flying object spooked the bird. The giant pterodactyl wavered, and then flew away as Erin hurled more seed cores at it. She laughed triumphantly and rushed to grab the eggs. That was when the bird turned around and flew at her, pecking and trying to bite her. It wasn’t afraid of the seed cores after all.

no the birds arent afraid like the crabs! 

Only when she was sure that the dino-bird had gone did Erin stop running. She stopped and covered one of the numerous bloody peck marks on her arms and back and tried not to shout.

“Stupid thing.”

At least it hadn’t been bigger. Erin had managed to smack it a few times until it stopped trying to bite her face off. But that didn’t mean she’d gotten away unscathed.

Erin hissed as she pressed on another bite. She wanted nothing more than to get some cold water on them. Too bad there were more suspicious rocks in the way. Actually, there were about six of them, spaced out across the grasslands. Well, her trick hadn’t worked on the birds but rock-crabs were a different matter.

On her way back Erin pasted two of the rock crabs with the slimy seed cores when they shuffled at her. They didn’t like the noxious liquid that splashed their shells and retreated with loud clicks. Erin wiped off the foul-smelling juice from her hands and walked past the herd triumphantly.

but its still good to know the seed cores work on the crabs 

It was just past midday when Erin got back to the inn. At least she’d stopped bleeding on her walk back. She made it halfway through the inn’s door, blinked, and threw up.

Erin stopped gagging and retching long enough to stare at the pool of liquefied blue fruit in horror. Then she was sick again. And again.

Somehow, Erin made it to the stream. It was combination of walking fast and pausing every few minutes to throw up that got her there. She didn’t so much as jump into the stream as fall into it and began shivering as whatever was hitting her really went to town.

—-

The next hour saw her kneeling at the stream, gargling water, puking it up, and watching out for the crazy fish. Fortunately, they didn’t seem inclined to get near her. Actually, she saw one swim towards her and start nibbling at the contents of her stomach as it washed downstream. That was gross.

Erin washed her mouth and hands off for the tenth time and felt the shaking and nausea stop a bit.

“What—what was that?”

Erin could only mumble as she stared into the water. She moved her head—not so much out of desire for movement as to watch for the dangerous flat fish.

The fish that had been eating her vomit was floating belly-up in the water. Erin saw the other fish were avoiding it just like they were avoiding her.

“…Poison. Gotta be.”

But was it delicious food poisoning where you got to eat twice, or the other kind that kind made you turn green and die?

“Well, whatever. I feel better now so I’ll figure it out later.”

dont drink too much water, you will barf! also yeah, evil fish arent good 

Erin walked back to the inn as the last urges to puke left her. She’d gotten off lucky she supposed. It had only been an hour or so of feeling terrible. If it was actually serious—

Erin had to stop and smile. Serious? Back when she hadn’t been struggling to survive, oh, three days ago, being that sick would have ended up with her in bed for the next week.

“And I’d have a team of doctors feeding me pills by the pound too.”

She laughed softly. Then her smile vanished. Erin covered her face with her palm.

She trembled.

And then she walked on. It was getting dark. She couldn’t stop just now.

She was in too much danger.

yeah erins mind has probably gone back into panic mode 

The key to distracting oneself was motion. Erin moved around the inn and kept busy. She cleaned the vomit off the floor, washed the plates as best she could with some of the water, helped herself to a bit of pasta and brought out more plates and silverware to the common room. Then she stored the eggs and blue fruit away in one of the cupboards, went upstairs and cleaned a few rooms. She was moving, but really she was waiting.

“They said they’d visit. But did they mean that or are they busy? Either way, I can always make more pasta and save some for later, right?”

She had a pot full of hot pasta in the kitchen and she’d served and eaten her own plate of buttery noodles with blue fruit juice before she realized it was dark. Hopefully Erin stared out one of the windows, but the grasslands were empty. The sky was so amazingly vast, the stars so numerous. It was beautiful, frightening. Erin would have loved to stare at it if she were at home, but what she was really hoping to see were two figures. But she didn’t.

“They must be busy.”

Erin sighed to herself. But it wasn’t that early in the night after all. She could wait.

The young woman sat at the table, her stomach full, her clothes torn and dirty, her eyes drooping. But every few minutes her eyes flicked to the stout wooden door. She was waiting.

as ive said before, those noodles and blue juice sound delicious! 

Relc stretched in his chair in the Guard’s barracks. It wasn’t too crowded in the early evening, most guardsmen having checked out already or begun their evening patrols. Those who remained in the building were almost entirely Drakes, aside from a few tall, furry, humanoid [Guardsmen]. And they were all busy with their own tasks.

The Senior Guardsman cast an irritable eye over at the large, hunched insect hovering over a table next to him.

“Are you done logging out for the day yet?”

“Almost.”

Klbkch made a precise notation with a quill on a sheet of parchment.

“There. I have signed us both out. Again.”

“Great. Thanks. Now, wanna go check on that Human? I hear—”

A female Drake shouted at Relc from across the room. She was nowhere as large as Relc, and she wore chainmail and a sword at her hip as she stomped up to him.

“There’s a brawl in the marketplace. Get over there and stop the fighting!”

“What? Some idiot had to start a fight now of all times? We were going to go back and—”

“Shut up and get moving!”

“…Jerk.”

“A pity. Let’s be on our way.”

“What a pain. Let’s smack some scales-for-brains quick. Maybe we’ll still have time to go to the inn afterwards.”

“You know we will be called upon to go after those who got away. And there is damage assessment, guard detail, investigating any burglaries during the violence…”

“Aw.”

“Do not fret. The Human will not be going anywhere.”

“I know, I know. But I was going to eat more pasta and—”

“Relc!”

The angry shout made Relc wince and cover the two holes on the side of his head.

“Alright, let’s go. Man, I really hate the Captain.”

“Don’t insult her while we are within earshot.”

“She can eat my scales. Let’s go and get this over with.”

“After you.”

oh no 

Erin sat at the bar counter in the inn and waited. All was perfect.

Well, all was sorta perfect. It was at least acceptable. She had a basket of the blue fruits, more pasta in a large pot, and she’d even drawn a fresh bucket of water from the stream. She had very nearly spotless plates and silverware and all in all, she was ready for some guests.

If they’d ever arrive.

Eventually her eyes drooped. Her breathing slowed. She fell asleep while dreaming she was still waiting and awake.

she fell asleep before they could come back. they are late! 

Thump. Thump.

Erin woke up. She raised her head and looked around groggily. It was dark.

Thump. Thump.

Something was at the door. Erin wiped the drool off of her chin and got up from the table. She must have fallen asleep waiting. But here they were. She stumbled over to the door and shivered. It was cold. Actually, it wasn’t just cold. It was…frosty?

The door’s handle was covered in a thin layer of ice. From behind the door Erin sensed something chilling, and she could feel a cold draft blowing from beneath the crack. Or was that the shivering sensation running down her spine?

Thump.

Erin jumped back from the door. That wasn’t knocking. Something was hitting the door. Hard.

“Hey. Who’s there?”

She wished her voice wasn’t so wobbly.

“A visitor.”

Was it a whisper? No. It was more like an echo. It sounded like a loud voice coming from thousands of miles away and it had an unearthly quality to it. No voice could be so deep, so spine-chilling.

“Um. We’re closed. S-sorry.”

The something on the other side of the door…chuckled. It was probably a chuckle. It was wet and gurgling.

“It matters not. I require sustenance. Food. Prove that to me and I shall be on my way.”

Food? As in the fleshy variety? Erin shuddered.

“I don’t have any. Go away!”

“I will not be denied. Open this door or face my wrath.”

That was enough for Erin. She backed away from the door.

“I’m warning you! Come in and I’ll, I’ll…”

dont mess with erin mysterious visitor, she has knives and shes only a little afraid to use them! 

“Do not anger me further. If you refuse my simple request I will—”

She didn’t wait to see what the voice would do. She could guess. Instead, Erin ran to the kitchen. She needed a weapon. A knife, a piece of wood, a spatula, anything.

Erin’s hand had found the handle of a pot when the scrape of wood made her breath stop. She’d forgotten. She’d been waiting for Klbkch and his friend. So that meant—

The door was still unlocked.

Something was pushing the door open. Erin sprinted back to the door and threw her weight against it. She knocked whatever it was back, but she couldn’t close the door fully. It was in the way.

“This is unwise. Your insolence will only bring about more punishment.”

The creature hissed at Erin. She could hear it right outside the door. It was pushing, trying to get the door open. But Erin was fueled by pure fear and she somehow managed to keep the door where it was.

“Mistress. All I ask for is a bit of food. Provide me that and I shall be on my way.”

The skeletal creature reached its hand through the doorway. Something dark dripped down out of its bones. It splashed against the wood and vanished.

“I do not wish to become angry.”

Her hand was on the cooking pot. Her heart was dead in her chest.

“No.”

“No?”

The skeletal monstrosity seemed to recoil. It pulled the door further open and something noxious wafted in.

“A pity. But I will have you provide me with sustenance nevertheless.”

Erin seized the door and tried to close it, but the creature hurled it open. She fell back and stared in horror.

A thing with too many bones and pieces of flesh gazed down at her. It gave off a ghastly smell and crimson light flashed from its eyes.

“Give me what I desire. Or I shall—”

Erin screamed and hurled the pot.

well now we know where the skeleton went. lets hope this goes well for erin! 

thats the end of the chapter btw. im tempted to do the next chapter today as well, but ill stay to the schedule! we shall both suffer for this cliffhanger! 

will erin survive this encounter? will the guards save her from this skeletal monstrosity? will erin beat it up before they get there? will they ever get there? 

see you tomorrow! 

[jeremy-ken-anderson]

Three Flaws

I made a City of Heroes level. It’s a neat idea, but it’s not...uh...good.

There are three basic things that stop it from being good. They all can be fixed. Let’s give them a look!

So it’s a story in which there are lizard people and a creepy hypnosis undertone a lot like the cuckoo plotline of Sandman. There are members of the species whose job it is to make nearby humans docile so they just sit there while the lizards rip them up for food.

The basic story is:

1) A witch tells you that her familiar has informed her of people being killed in her homes. She is under the effect of this hypnosis already, but gets around it because she’s just repeating what her familiar reported. You go to an office complex at the familiar’s direction and find citizens being accosted by lizardfolk. Also a lot of piles of human bones. When you rescue citizens they don’t run for the exit or follow you; They just say, “Nice day isn’t it?” and proceed to eat donuts and wander around the office where there are still lizards.

At the end of this mission you meet a lizard that looks different from the others and “rescue” it from a group of other lizards. It explains (counter to all your physical evidence) that the lizards are fine and nobody in the office building was hurt. This is a huge relief! It asks you to meet it at the pier later. You promise you will.

2) The witch’s familiar, frustrated with her, demands she casts a spell called Nightmare’s Invocation of Truth. She doesn’t see why, because clearly nothing is wrong, but she likes the idea of sending a bunch of capes to rough up her rivals in the Cabal, so she decides to humor it. She more or less tells you this outright; that she’s using you and that this mission is for a kind of petty reason. But if you’re a hero any excuse is good enough for beating up Cabal; They kidnap citizens and suck their souls out as a matter of course, so fewer on the streets is always better. And if you’re a villain you might think being this petty (or just being violent) is fun/amusing.

In any case, you go beat up some evil witches and return with urns of mystic powder.

3) The witch is casting her spell. Your memories of the pier are suddenly rushing back. You play through a memory where you recall killing a bunch of police officers with the lizards at your back. The lizard used you as a weapon to take over a tanker ship.

4) Nightmare’s Invocation has fortified your minds, at least temporarily, against the lizards’ hypnotics. You, in-character, are suddenly aware of everything you the player knew was wrong. However there’s evidence that the Queen is laying another brood and will swiftly produce another army - one that might be able to overcome your new defenses and enslave you anew.

You fight your way through waves of lizards, deal with an ambush when you break the first of the eggs, and finally destroy the Queen and break every egg in the cave.

5) Weeks have passed since the extermination. You find out that Crey Biotech kidnapped the lizard that hypnotized you at the office and it wasn’t there when you slaughtered the rest. The witch predicts that it has probably become another Queen on psychically sensing the existing Queen’s death. Due to Crey’s unscrupulous use of their existing tech, it doesn’t really matter whether they could control her hypnotic power or not. If they can’t there’s a Crey facility full of lizards now, and if they can Crey is probably developing a new mind-control tech that will let them take over the world without a struggle. Either option is awful for anyone who isn’t a Crey executive or a lizard.

You go to the Crey facility and it’s the worst of both: The new-formed Queen has already birthed a new brood using Crey’s incubators and they’ve been collaborating with Crey Biotech with the Queen taking the helm of the company. You have to fight your way through Crey and the brood both and slay the new Queen.

As you kill her, she laughs and tells you she was already a Queen back when she had you take over that pier for her. Her body may not be invulnerable but you can’t really kill her, because her eggs have already been safely delivered to tens of other ports.

She promises she will see you again, very soon.

Problem 1: The original idea was just to make a farming level; A zone with mildly interesting monsters that had anti-combos. That is, they’d have a bunch of abilities (allowing them to give full xp as a creature of their rank) but the abilities wouldn’t work in concert or actually make the fights substantially harder. At this I failed utterly. Mainly I think I underestimated the power of healing and defense. I gave a bunch of little target-ally heals to the mooks because I was playing solo when I was testing. I could either kill the healer lizard first or kill their target with a surprise attack before they could get there and then that power was useless - the target-ally heals do not allow target-self.

That’s great and all, but, uh, if you play with 8 people you get to deal with big crowds of these little twerps. And Bosses will appear. Oh yeah, and I gave my bosses crowd control powers as their power set. This means there are units with buckets of health - you can’t instantly burn ‘em down - AND they’re being healed by the crowd of minions.

They wiped the floor with us. Their team had ridiculous synergy. Part of it is that as I was making the enemy group I got away from the original idea and started making creative critters.

Solution 1: Basically I need to go back and focus. At this point the story is an actual story, not a farm, so I should make them thematic. Focusing them around a theme will also make them easier by and large, because it gives them things the faction is bad at, holes in their team composition you can exploit. One thing to consider also is that not all enemies have to hit the “100% XP Value” mark in terms of the number of abilities I give them; It’s okay for some enemies to be low-priority targets because they’re not as powerful.

Problem 2: Plot holes. Right now there’s a bit of weirdness at the beginning: If the “everything is fine” aura is so pervasive, why do the heroes fight in level 1? Why do they kill a bunch of the lizards before they meet the master hypnotist? It can’t be that she has to target you; too many people would raise the alarm anyway (the security guard looking at footage from blocks away, the neighbor across the street, etc). Also, in the writing as it currently exists the witch congratulates you for saving the world as her text at the end of level 5, when the game is supposed to be ending on a spooky note.

Solution 2: For the beginning, I think a line about you coming in from out of town does it. You haven’t been here long enough to get lulled. (It’s not like players need a TON of explanation, here; Anything that can hand-wave it should be fine) As for the end, the congratulations speech can be moved to the end of level 4 and a new spookier ending written for 5. No sweat.

Problem 3: Level 3. Level 3 suffers 2 problems. First of all it’s on a map I hate. It’s the sprawling inside of a tanker and it’s easy to miss one of the officers you’re supposed to take down. Second, it was originally supposed to be a farming level so I gave you a bunch of allied units to help you kill stuff faster, but CoH staff thought of that; computerized ally units take a share of xp. So it’s worth hardly anything.

Plot-wise I need there to be a nautical theme to the zone you attack. But it should be easier to navigate if at all possible. And if it’s going to be worth little xp it should be quick. I like the idea of the allies because the whole idea is you’ve been recruited to help the lizards. I’d have had a whole sequence where the lizard was your quest giver while you were enthralled, but within a single story you’re allowed only 1 quest giver in the mission architect.

Solution 3: See if there’s a dock zone to use. Worst case I can just declare one of the warehouses a shipping warehouse at the dock. As far as the allies, I think I can set the lizards up as a neutral group that happens to be fighting your enemies. If you get to enemies and land a hit this should mean you get full xp. If you don’t land a hit before they fall you don’t get xp but this should make the level much faster. Either way it works.

I was really demoralized when my story turned out to be not good. Not fun for groups, janky plot-wise to run solo, not good even to grind for xp. First drafts be like that, yo. They can be fixed.

[lewnatic]

For the D&D asks, 1-20

Oh gosh, okay. This is gonna be long so I’m gonna do it under a cut.

What was your favorite Nat 1 Experience?

I don’t think a lot of my characters have had really funny Nat1 moments, sadly. I will always remember the one when @zhixx​ made a goblin named Spook’em specifically designed to have the least survivability possible. The first time he was downed he rolled a Nat1 on his first death save. The feeling of comedic timing was just beautiful.

Favorite D&D Inside Joke?

“You are a privateer! BUT ON LAHND.”

Favorite Item Your Character received in D&D?

Phailyn was supposed to get a tome to increase his strength, but when his crush said she wanted it, he immediately fucking dropped it so she could have it. So the DM let me sneak off and get a scrying orb we’d passed up earlier. He hasn’t used it yet, but I just like the story behind it.

Ves probably considers Sikrikta to be the best item she’s received has a lot of really expensive shit she’s keeping just because she has bourgie taste. She got a bottle of wine as a gift that would have been 400g if she’d left it unopened. She’s drinking it gradually through the adventure. It’s good, but not quite as good as what she’s used to.

Teeki has a gaudy diamond crown that Bing bought for 300 gold. It does nothing. It is purely cosmetic. She loves it.

Basically I love frivolous shit.

Preferred Animal Companion (if you had any)?

Vesxlit has a familiar, if that counts. He’s a parrot named Brilliant. He talks like a normal human (in a setting where that is definitely not commonplace) and is a member of the Bardic College in the capital city of the nation we’re traveling in.

He’s a posh gentleman who helps Ves sew dresses. They spend 90% of their time arguing because, being a bird, his fashion sense is incredibly bright and garish.

Favorite D&D Battle Encounter?

Every boss fight Skaaren has done is goddamn awesome, tbh. My favorite is the first just because of how scary it was.

Keep in mind, we’re level 1 in Pathfinder, an Oracle (Ves) and a Barbarian (Cato.) We’ve just watched a big hole open up in the ground, and our characters don’t know why, but we’re looking for missing people (including the barbarian’s boyfriend Fabius, he’s important) so we figure hell, this is probably where they’re missing.

We find some of the missing people at the bottom of the hole, but we haven’t found Fabius, so we go deeper in. We find this creepy old woman doing some kinda ritual or something by a pool of water? Barbarian charges in to kill her and save his man, and… kills her very quickly.

Silence. We go to check on Fabius, and we’re not sure if we can safely move him. I’m running out of heals from earlier stuff and I pop my last one on him, and after a while of debating what to do a ton of undead start coming out of the water. Just a goddamn mob. Whatever the hell creepy-lady was doing, we were suddenly way in over our heads. Even if we picked up Fabius and ran, we don’t have a fast way out of this hole. And we start taking damage fast. Including Fabius.

I don’t remember the specifics of the fight. I think that’s a testament to how much we were panicking. I remember feeling the helplessness of being a mage completely out of spell slots frantically trying to hit things with my stupid mace.

And I remember when the fight was over, I stayed down there panicking for several more minutes, trying to determine if Fabius was even alive while the barbarian ran to get the local doctor in a town of which he didn’t even speak the language.

In the end, Fabius was okay, and we both got out of it alive. It was just that sense of dread and fear, that we didn’t know how the DM’s rolls were going or if anything we were trying had any impact. Skaaren has always done a stellar job since of bringing that sense of genuine fear into the game when he wants to, but that first unexpected taste of it was so damn cool.

Favorite D&D NPC Interaction?

Varis Vrynn was my favorite villain. Not because of his fight, or how he fit into the greater lore, but because of how @extravagantshoes​ played him. He was a slimy uppity elf in the city of Galthiel, a city with heavy class divides based on magic ability. Varis was a powerful diviner, and a lot of our party interactions involved everyone in the party trying to piss him off and Varis looking down his nose in disgust at all of us.

Then Cedlanna, our young sorcerer, got a conversation with him alone in his manor, where he wanted to make a deal with her. And she just ripped into him. Cut to the core of his insecurities and how with all of his riches on display, his manor still was incredibly empty–that for all the parties he hosted he was completely alone.

He was doing some really irredeemable things and later tried to kill us all but I still managed to feel kind of sad that we ended up gruesomely killing him.

Dumbest thing You & Your Party Did

Charging through multiple spinning saws comes to mind. Every time I try to sneak around in heavy plate armor also comes to mind.

I feel like I need to make a separate post to discuss just all the impulsive things Cato does. Turning an entire city upside down just for the chance to punch a specific guy in the face was one.

Most Epic thing You & Your Party Did

I might also make a separate post about this, but Cato and Ves convinced a bunch of lizard people that they were their gods.

Basically in this setting, the level 1 baddies generally fought are called Rapia. They’re kobold-esque in design, but they have a faith-based culture and… well, kind of a faith-based biology. Rapia need something to worship, they undergo gradual physiological changes based on the thing they follow. (Say it’s a sea creature, they might get gills.) And if they don’t have something to worship, they literally become sick and presumably die.

We’d fought a few before and looted crap from their caves, including a tiny hammer that we never could have used but the barbarian held onto cuz idk??

We later ran into some others by falling through the roof of their cave, but they didn’t attack us. They started to assume that we were the gods depicted on one of their cave walls. For the sake of brevity, a fight broke out later when we were trying to leave, and Cato gave the hammer to one of the rapia who was helping us escape. It turned out in the DM’s notes, this hammer had significance to the rapia, and was supposed to be given to the religious leader of a tribe. And so the entire tribe turned to our side and protected us. And… they started following us.

It was about this time that the DM broke character to tell us he had no plan of this happening, and I guess we just have a tribe of rapia now. And we’ve had the goddamn campaign balanced around having a tribe of rapia ever since.

What did you like about your Campaign’s World?

I’m gonna try to sum these up quickly cuz these stories have already gotten long.

The Ascension world has elements of what I affectionately like to call Pop Fantasy, there’s some genre-awareness while not being parody, and all the work on the pantheon Spi did has been goddamn amazing. I also cannot figure out the overarching mysteries and that is awesome.

Nejj puts a ton into immersing us into the world. I can always very clearly get a feel for the sort of setting he’s putting us in, and I’ve been having a lot of fun with the political intrigue he’s been setting up.

Skaaren’s got the weirdest goddamn races in his setting and I love every single one of them. He’s also packed the setting full of little cultural details, I swear to god he’s done extensive research into what we’re having for breakfast in the morning based on where we’re staying.

What was the most Interesting Lore you Found?

I seriously can’t pick a favorite here so I’m going to give a silly answer, and that’s that acolytes of Ves’s goddess commune with her by getting super high. 

Summarize Your Campaign(s) in a Single Sentence

One for each campaign:A group of weird rebels and one very ordinary guy dismantle the ruling government.Goblins discover crazy politics and necromancy, what happens next will warm your heart.Tourists getting intimate with the horrifying hidden truths of nature

Describe your whole Party Dynamic in a Sentence

The best bunch of weirdos and one stupid shady paladin.Loner rogue becomes Team Mom by sheer force of how much the other two hate each other.Bug Jesus and The Angriest Boy discover family in the form of lizards.

What Alignment do your characters lean towards?

I have a weird time choosing an alignment for characters cuz motivations change a lot for my nerds. Teeki was True Neutral but has become more Chaotic Good. Ves is Lawful Good I guess?? And Phai is a goddamn mess whose alignment has shifted at least thrice since his conception.

How do you tend to Take Notes (if you do)?

Badly! Next question.

Prefer Story/Plot Driven or No Plot/Character-Driven Campaigns?

I tend to prefer plot-driven, but I honestly think elements of both should be implemented in your narrative–occasionally giving breaks from the overarching plot to give the cast some time to dick around can give a breath of fresh air to roleplay.

Combat or Role Play?

Roleplay, of course. I actually used to think I hated D&D combat. It took a lot of great sessions to make me realize that the RP doesn’t stop for combat, and that’s when I started really getting into learning and enjoying mechanics elements.

Favorite D&D Monster/Creature?

Illithid. I would love to actually play as one someday.

Magic User or Fighter?

Magic is more engaging to me, personally, but I like both.

Preferred Weapon/Spell in D&D?

Tasha’s Hideous Laughter. In large part because of how it’s roleplayed in Critical Role tbh. I also have felt the high of Sneak Attack enough times to really love it now.

What was your Favorite Nat 20 Experience?

One time I rolled a Nat20 perception while we were on the road and it was literally just to find a coin on the ground. That might always be my favorite. 

[cyrelia-j]

[fic] Undertow 1 (Jack/Parmak)

So what have I been working on? Another stupid WIP :D Couldn't get DOM!Kelas out of my head after drawing the new blog header (and also after talking with @borg-apologist ) so thought I'd mess around with a little AU with Parmak visiting the Institute in Season 7 and meeting our boy Jack. In this Jack is more gray ace and I was excited to explore more kink with him so here goes.

Warnings: None for this part except Jack's usual disjointed thought, Jack/Parmak overall and a bit of praise kink

“In one week, you’ll kneel for me.”

Jack plays the words back in his head, a small counter having already started in his head from the time that he met the Cardassian doctor known as Kelas Parmak. The counter was a conscious counter, but it appeared when he asked his innermost thoughts how much time had passed. It’s been one hour, thirty three minutes, and four seconds. It keeps counting as he pulls the old doctor back to mind, pulls every piece of him perfectly and Precisely as he stands on the table rocking back and forth on his heels, staring out into the distance while he… Considers.

Kelas Parmak age one hundred and five (mind converting the number to approximately fifty two in human years though possibly as old as sixty one as Imprecise as the conversations are) stands as tall as Jack but possibly taller if it weren’t for the congenital spine curvature, the stoop, the odd tilt of the head perpetually, servilely looking upwards. It was… Nice because Jack didn’t need to make himself higher when he met him, he didn’t try and make himself More, didn’t try to tower over Jack and that set his mind at ease.

People were afraid of him so they always tried to make themselves Big and that made him… uneasy.

Kelas Parmak is slight, he’s an albino manifested by a violet tint to his gray skin, a slight pink to his sclera, an indigo hue to his eyes, and a pair of large silver spectacles that control the shaking of his pupils. He is sensitive to light but not cold (a different Breed of Cardassian from the Northern Continent thus spoke Zarathustra) and walks with a deliberate and measured step. He’s slight of build but there’s something Off, something stronger than it looks from the soft spoken voice that everyone strains to hear but Jack, from the mouth that barely moves when it speaks. Kelas Parmak leaves a tang of cinnamon spice on his tongue that Jack tasted when he was near him.

Jack wasn’t supposed to be near him.

Jack was never supposed to meet him.

Doctor Parmak wasn’t supposed to be in the inpatient wing directly. His work, he said involved the research of genetic augments but Nurse Ratched didn’t think it was a Good Idea for Jack or the Others to have any contact with Outsiders after the Incidents. Jack didn’t understand why they still expected him to listen to any of them. He still constantly Questioned from whence their Authority over him originated. They never answered him with anything Satisfactory and they… they had no right to keep him there when Sarina was allowed to leave and Bashir said there wasn’t anything he could do for them so why… why they kept this charade up, why they persisted in him changing or why they thought like the Foolish Virgin that they would awaken and his magic power would have changed all laws and morals and-

“They must be getting desperate,” Lauren says interrupting his Thoughts. Jack’s head snaps up the counter still counting violet eyes peering up over the frames of the spectacles. In one week, you’ll kneel for me…“If they’re letting one of the Cardassian Resistance doctors even think about looking at their records.”

“They’re afraid,” Patrick adds with a sigh, watching the feed that he and Jack had tapped into. Their security will recode soon enough but for now it’s enough for Jack to stare intently at the screen and continue considering the puzzle of Doctor Parmak.

“They should be afraid, they should have listened but it’s too late now too late for Martha to pull her dress back down.”

“It’s never too late to pull your dress back down, Jack,” Lauren retorts as she stares blankly a moment at the picture book. Jack sighs, studying the figure as the meeting continues. It’s a meeting about Jack and it Irritates him that he’s not there but… but Doctor Parmak wants him as an assistant which wasn’t the intent when Jack dropped from the ceiling in front of him but that’s what it’s become and he’s riveted to the back and forth volley of words. He stands nearly perfectly still biting his finger, Lauren murmuring that the Doctor is attractive but clearly not the Right Type and that’s code for a man who hasn’t triggered Lauren’s hallucinations.

But he triggered something for Jack.

The intent at first was a simple one. Jack needed to see the stranger, know the stranger who was in his Space hearing the pokpok of the cane tip echoing like a siren’s song to bring him to drown. He needed to know the creature behind the sound of their dark and warm little corner of the universe so he hung back searching, following the sound but seemingly too slow to catch it, the shadow vanishing around a corner until every light blared and all suns rose with the dawn. Doctor Parmak had slipped in like Mercury beneath the door, wavering, flickering quicksilver and it had stopped Jack a moment when he finally laid eyes on him.

Doctor Parmak said he wanted to talk.

So they talked...

---

“Hmm… they can’t contain you and yet here you are at the mercy of… what did you call them… basics?”

“Basics, simple, down the ladder of the chain, slower, weaker, duller, but you you take enough insects in a swarm and they can bring down a mighty creature! Fell worlds, galaxies, collapse stars mmhm.”

“And you would… rule over them?”

“Rule? Ha! That’s what they say too- rule, who’d want to rule hm hm? Milton would- better to reign in hell than serve in heaven but but Paradise is long lost and Hell is everyone here and I… I just want Quiet! Is that too much to ask?! Freedom?Quiet?! But all men hate the wretched and there’s… there’s nothing more wretched than a seraphim cast with six broken wings… why are you laughing?”

It started with a little smile. Jack introduced himself. Doctor Parmak kept smiling non threatening, assessing good Good but holding firm, eyes following Jack’s movements, leaning on the cane, a tilt of the head as he gave his name back, lips barely moving, a flit of the tongue that was like a small lizard’s, delicate, a push of glasses, no offer of hand, as they discussed and lips still barely moved keeping Jack from reading them, still Smiling as eyes tracked, no draw back, no posturing just Watching, laughing softly, then louder, disarming because Jack didn’t… raise his voice as he would when he Needed to know something but just asked level and Curious...

“Ah, my apologies it’s just that… what you said reminded me of things I’ve heard so many times in so many academic circles. Mmm… how to explain I suppose you would say that for many Cardassians, the mightiest human is still a blind and snivelling vole next to even the weakest of us... Oh but that sounds like slight, doesn’t it? My apologies, I suppose I’m not well versed in your customs.”

“You’re not better than me. Quantifiably even… even accounting for genetic differences in bones density, the averages that make us different it… it doesn’t matter and I don’t know why you’d stand there saying things you know aren’t true I don’t know why you wouldn’t know any of this or why you’d argue it with me because you had to had to have read my file.”

Jack’s hand on his shoulder and Doctor Parmak drew in a breath but not scared, increased respirations, another push of glasses, another speculative tilt, another flick of that tongue which Jack mimicked and Parmak smiled hand over Jack’s thumb circling scales, warm hand, trapping, holding him there, looking in his eyes steadily brilliantly Jack’s thumb in his mouth biting hard before that hand released soft, stepping in challenging sweetly smiling smelling cinnamon and Jack tasting spice in the air a study, more study of him Jack uncertain unsure, a tap of the cane, another step towards him voice soft hands soft, mouth soft, warm, everything about Doctor Parmak radiating warm.

“No, I hadn’t actually. It wasn’t necessary to know about any of you individually. And I suspect were I to read your file I’d find it hardly conveys everything that I need to know about you.”

“What do you need to know about me? They said… that that you weren’t going to study us, that you weren’t going to scan, you weren’t going to cut because I don’t agree to that. You’re not cutting me open! No!”

“Mmm no, there’s no need for that. In fact… the use I have for you is much different. With your… gifts you say, you might be the assistant that I need. They offered me some young man but I fear he isn’t going to be able to keep up academically. But I have a feeling that you’ll work out quite nicely.”

“I’m not taking orders from you? I know you heard me, I don’t take orders hm. I don’t-”

Nystagmatism met paroxysm and both battled to a standstill, Parmak with the saucy cinnamon tilt of head and fingers dancing over the exposed ridges of his neck mirrored on Jack’s, Jack followed absently, both of them stopped having danced circles in the empty common room around the couch, a chase around the sofa ashes ashes, all falling down, step left step right, Parmak holding up a single digit smile dark on his face but not Threatening just… commanding.

“One week. In one week, you’ll kneel for me…”

“Why… why would I kneel for you?”

“Because you want to be a good boy of course...”

Whispered sibilant susserated auditory smoke sending shivers as the Doctor slowly turned his back on Jack the ghost of that voice, that scent lingering in the air before the room started back up, stopped time resuming, People egress ingress, in out and Jack fled back when the lights came back on and he realized until then the room had been nearly pitch black with Doctor Parmak still seeing him clear as day.

“Good boy…”

---

“Well you certainly must have made an impression,” Lauren teases as Jack watches Doctor Parmak neatly parlay Jack’s temporary Extra Privileges to Assist him. He blinks a few times before jumping down. “You’ll have to tell me your secret.”

“See Jack, this is why Sarina said that you catch more flies with honey,” Patrick says and Jack is… pleased that Patrick has something to smile about because Patrick like the rest of them has been a lot quieter since Sarina’s departure, but unlike Jack the silence from the other two is an inward reflection, a rebirthed quiet hope for their own liberation and Jack… wonders what it might be like to have people on the Outside waiting for him. Sarina didn’t have anyone but Lauren and Patrick… they’re different.

Jack doesn’t hope. Jack doesn’t dream. Jack doesn’t particularly care who wins the war because the walls of his room, his cell look the same no matter who owns the galaxy. Bashir speaks loftily about freedom and subjugation but Jack’s lived most of his life in chains and still doesn’t understand if it’s good enough for His existence why they’re not willing to pledge the save to save billions of their fellow man. Jack will never Understand the anger at him for doing what he was told, never understand why they Hate that he refuses to call them equal. Equal men didn’t wear chains and that either made him Prometheus or Sicinnus using his gifts in the service of Themistocles… In one week, you’ll kneel for me… Never, he thinks, even as he watches The Federation barter him away like an Athenian slave.

Jack doesn’t belong to anybody.

But still feels the memory ghost of breath on his face, the counter counting higher, indigo eyes above the glimmering lenses blinking every second…

Good boy...

[authenticparanoidghosts]

here’s a very long d&d story about the time my party used volleyball skills to become a god.  for @komodoclassic, because she asked

this is a story in three parts

part i - a brief introduction of major characters and setting

okay so this was our big sophomore year campaign that lasted from first semester on over into part of second semester

really good campaign, our DM put a lot of work into it and we love him, but we had so many players that we had to split into two groups who both played the same world on the same timeline which was a huge fantastic mess

it ended bc the group I was in got a total party kill fighting a lizard with a magic eyeball (a totally different story - I was playing a hot tree and I might have killed him on my own after the rest of the party died if he hadn’t had that fucking entourage) and the other group killed the interdimensional asshole/refugee guy my party was actually trying to help

anyways, important characters in this story:

our DM, who I will not refer to by name even though I do tag him by name sometimes. I love to be inconsistent 

me, playing my first character for this campaign (who did survive! she had to be retired before the lizard TPK for other nonsense reasons), a dwarf paladin named Taxes

Taxes (real name: Ataxite Tellus) was from a family of swindlers and petty criminals and was forced to leave her life of burglary and scamming when her parents got paid off to have someone take the fall for murdering The Very Important Mayor Of The Big Island Of This Archipelago Country and decided to frame her for it

instead of going to jail like she was supposed to, she was like “fuck this” and fled to a different island where she dyed her hair and put on a bandana like an old west outlaw and spitefully decided to dedicate her life to Not Being A Huge Asshole 

obviously the way to do this is by taking some (k)night classes and becoming a paladin

Taxes is not a very good paladin

her god is Deimos, who does fire and war and justice and out of all the gods we met during the campaign (which was honestly a shocking amount) he was the nicest to us

our DM said he (Deimos) got briefly famous on the d&d reddit - partially because of this story and partially because of the stunts we were pulling immediately before it

anyways it’s important that you know that Taxes is from a family of criminals and just genuinely not very good at her job

one of my roommates, playing an elven wizard/lich whose name was Faenor but went exclusively by Gregg

good things to know about Gregg: she and Taxes had a classic straight man/banana man dynamic where she would try to do terrible ridiculous criminal things and Taxes would loudly protest but do very little to stop her

a friend, playing a dwarf paladin/cleric named Yule Marbles

Yule also followed Deimos and she and Taxes had an elaborate prayer handshake that they’d made up that gave them DM-sanctioned bonuses to religion checks

our party prayed basically exclusively to Deimos and eventually gained new player characters who ALSO followed him so after a point we just kind of paraded around the world as Deimos’ Favorite Idiots

part ii - volleyball

alright those are the people you need to know, let’s set the scene

our party needs to flee Dinosaur Hell Island where we have just solved the mystery we were summoned to help investigate and also accidentally started a war

quick trivia: Taxes (me) got mocked CONSTANTLY through the campaign bc she kept ACCIDENTALLY STARTING WARS

BAD PALADIN BEHAVIOR

but I did get a joke proficiency in starting wars which I later convinced the DM to let me use to benefit the party, so who’s laughing now, motherfucker

(the final count was that at LEAST three (3) legitimate, real-ass wars could be traced directly back to my actions as Taxes, as well as a couple other events that I would prefer to call “skirmishes” or “battles” that happened more indirectly.  I refuse to count Malcolm’s not-so-legal battle for the deed to hell because 1) I did NOT help that guy, I just said I would, and 2) that was his problem and he started it)

we are leaving without telling anyone what we’ve found out

because they’re going to kill us, probably

you know. because of the war. that we started. on their already incredibly politically fraught island

the point is that we solved the goddamn mystery despite being absolutely terrible detectives and we FINALLY get to leave

we’ve been playing this part of the campaign for weeks and we’re all very tired of it

also the player who was intended to take point on the investigation (her hot mentor/maybe boyfriend? was the one who had called us there) had died pretty early on doing a pretty risky stunt involving a shark and an underwater cave, so we were just muddling through it

and we kept “”accidentally”” insulting people by stealing things (dinosaurs) and getting caught trying to break into things (sacred temples) and just generally being rude (Yule REALLY didn’t like the fey and I was briefly cursed by a swamp hag)

and, again, we started that war

we really need to skip town

a very unfortunate ship had crashed on the island a couple days previously and some of the people on it are very powerful sorcerers who we (really just Xenon, the half-orc fighter and everyone’s very best friend) have convinced to teleport us off the island

we just need to hide out on their beach and kill some time until the teleportation circle is ready

“do you want to take a rest?” the DM asks

“we should play beach volleyball,” someone else says, at the exact same time

resting is for suckers who are afraid of the very angry lizard people who want to kill us

we vote unanimously to play beach volleyball

the DM graciously decides that, in the interest of comedy, we have all the materials we need and won’t have to, like, sit down and weave a net

we break into two teams of four. team names are quickly decided to be The Hotdogs vs. The Hamburglars 

after the party split our group retained “hamburglars” as our group chat name because our threshold for what entertains us is embarrassingly low

there are eight of us, so we’re playing four-on-four

the makeup of the teams isn’t important (and I can’t remember them), but know that we’re a half-orc, a tiefling, a middle-school-age human girl, an adult human man, two dwarves, an undead elf, and a fishperson

we spend a decent amount of time coming up with rules necessary to let us play volleyball

it’s mostly dexterity checks and rolling a d4 to see what quadrant of the court the ball lands in

some of our group doesn’t know the rules to actual volleyball and they have to be explained

listen. this is possibly the nerdiest thing I’ve ever done. I’m willing to acknowledge that, you don’t need to tell me.

anyways, ultimately the outcome of the game doesn’t matter (the Hamburglars won) and neither does how good or bad anyone was at rolling for imaginary volleyball (we fucking crushed the Hotdogs)

the point is that we played it and were so charmed by it that we would not forget about our new skills. we would remember them in our hour of need.

part iii - now I am (accidentally) become (NOT ACTUALLY A) god, destroyer of pirates

imagine there’s a timeskip

like, uh, two weeks later in game time at MOST

the group has split in real life, so my group is now Taxes, Yule, Gregg, Roswell (delightful fishperson), and another guy who stopped coming regularly and then was later replaced by another guy who doesn’t really become important until later, when we try to help a dimension-hopping dicklick by killing a lizard and stealing his eyeball

his character’s name was Yashirou and he’s not in this at all but it’s important that you know that by the time he died he had been partially transformed into so many different things that he was achingly close to being classified as an abomination and also was probably going to be fired from his job as a space cop

anyways, it’s a new day and a new session

actually, it’s probably like 11 pm. this will be relevant later

Taxes, Gregg, and Yule are the only player characters present because Roswell was busy or something

we’re on a new continent, hanging out with Taxes’ younger sister, Olivine

Olivine has also split from their parents and now runs an all-female gang of pirates who steal from the two much BIGGER gangs of pirates and also the trading federation and then sells whatever they’ve captured to the anti-government faction of the civil war that’s currently happening on the continent

this civil war is the only war currently going on/about to start where the root causes are NOT my fault in any way because when the thing that caused the circumstances that are creating unrest happened, Taxes had her hands over her ears and was humming loudly bc she knew she’d be morally obligated to do something if someone told her what was going on

right now, both major gangs of pirates and the trading federation are also all currently at war with each other

this is my fault

nobody but Gregg and Yule know it’s my fault, though, so I’m only in danger of being mocked for it

anyways we’re hanging out with my sister

doing crime

well, Gregg is doing crime.  Taxes and Yule are paladins so they’re just protecting their good friend Gregg from people who might try to do her harm.  it’s an airtight excuse, thank you

we’re actually on the continent because we’re traveling to visit Yule’s wife and son

so my sister and her gang (and us) have recently stolen a bunch of supplies from a guy named Scipio who is, we’ve been told, a Huge Asshole

Olivine’s gang is going to pay some local sailors to run the supplies up to the northern part of the continent which is both where the rebels are based and where Yule’s family lives

so ofc we’re on one boat (chock full of magical items we have recently lit a perfectly nice wizard on fire to steal) and two of the girl gang members are on the other (full of, like, food I think) providing security and acting as Olivine’s representatives for the deal they’re trying to make with the rebel camp

things are going well

we’re just sailing, no big deal

except, you know, like the first rule of d&d is Never Get On A Boat

and we are definitely on a boat

undeniably on a boat

on a boat full of MANY stolen goods

so ofc a couple hours into our trip, a bigger, faster ship sails up behind us. a bigger, faster ship with very official looking flags

it’s a gang of pirate enforcers (from one of the big two gangs) and they are presumably here to rob the shit out of us

“oh shit” we say, and look over at the other boat where the only NPCs who can help us also appear to be mouthing oh shit

“well,” someone says (me), “I think we can talk our way out of this”

I like to think I’m optimistic (and sometimes I find combat boring)

I prefer to try to lie my ass off to get us out of bad situations

we let the pirates board

things to know:

previous to this adventure on this continent, Taxes had gained the ability to see the names of everyone she meets, Death Note style

also she has a new helmet

more on the helmet later

Yule, who had been wearing Custom Order Rose Gold Plate Armor with the symbol of Deimos (god of LAW and JUSTICE) inscribed in the front and a cake recipe on the back, had been persuaded to take it off and hide it below decks so she looks less like the paladin/cleric she is

Gregg and Taxes look sketchy as hell all the time so they’re not worried

“hey, uh, what’s the plan?” someone asks, moments before the pirates climb onto our ship

“we are also pirates now,” Taxes says

“what”

“we are specifically the same sort of pirates they are because they’re not going to rob one of their own boats,” Taxes says, because she has the actor feat and is willing to use it

“alright, sounds good,” Gregg says, because she loves deception and can just blast the shit out of anyone with her wizard powers if things go south

so we let the pirates board

guy #1 (the only important pirate in this story) is obviously in charge and probably wearing an outfit that makes him look like a douche

he’s a huge douche which we find out immediately and also again later

you’ll see

he starts in on us, threatening everyone, asking our business and clearly winding up to start demanding that we put our hands on our heads and show him where our gold is

“Harrison,” Taxes says

she can see that his name is Harrison with her magic eyes

“Harrison, please, you’ve got the wrong boat”

Harrison - and everyone with him - about swallows his tongue in surprise that she’s addressing him by name

later we find out from the DM that at work he goes by something incredibly silly like Inflammis or Incindior or Combustus or something

none of the other pirates know his name is really Harrison

“who the fuck are you” the pirates, rather reasonably, want to know

“representatives of Lady Blackwing herself,” Gregg says, because we have a hold full of treasure we’ve literally just stolen from this exact group of pirates the day before and nothing to lose

Gregg is basically impossible to kill and should not be allowed to make decisions for the party, but we never learned

we attempt to convince Harrison that we are, in fact, pirates and that we do, actually, work for his boss (Lady Blackwing)

our story is that we’re secret profiteers who are selling things on the black market to both armies in order to fill Lady Blackwing’s pockets with gold

I’m sure you remember there’s a civil war about to get started

“what the fuck is a secret profiteer?” Harrison wants to know

“well,” we say, “we’d tell you, but how do we know you’re high enough up in the organization to have clearance for that information?” heavily implying that he’s a chump for not recognizing us

oooo, burn

Harrison is, of course, not fooled by this

so we send Yule down to the hold to get something to prove that we have our own cargo (that we definitely didn’t steal from them)

Yule comes back, arms full of Custom Order Rose Gold Plate Armor with the symbol of Deimos (god of LAW and JUSTICE) inscribed in the front and a cake recipe on the back, and we roll JUST barely high enough to convince him that we have our own goods and we might, in fact, be pirates who are on his team and he probably should try not to rob us 

so Harrison, a little dazed and definitely pissed off (we were not very polite to him), goes back to his ship

the pirates who have boarded the other vessel also go back to their ship

we start trying to sail the hell out of there as fast as possible

the other boat we’re traveling with sails up next to us and our NPC friends wave us over

“what the FUCK did you tell them?” hot girl gang member who can, like, literally smite things (she was clearly the muscle of the group) asks us 

“we convinced them we were also pirates,” we say

“oh shit” she says

their boat has convinced the pirates that they’re just merchants

turns out the pirates really are looking for the people who robbed them yesterday

for revenge

that’s us. they want revenge on us.

we decide to sail faster

it’s too late, though, because the pirate ship is sailing after us again and we already know they’re capable of catching us

“should we fire the canons?” someone asks, unsure if our boats even HAVE canons

“you should roll initiative,” the DM says, not at all like it’s a suggestion

we’re in combat

on Harrison’s first turn, he hits us with a level 7 fireball

turns out he’s a wizard and he’s very mad at us

Infernus, his work name was probably Infernus

we’re understandably furious about being on fire

there is some shouting that he probably cannot hear

now we get turns

two of us are paladins who don’t really have ranged attacks, and the other one of us is Gregg

the NPCs can do some cool shit but this has dragged on long enough so I will not mention them

“hm,” Gregg says, and tries to light them on fire back (it doesn’t work)

“oh dear,” Yule says, and attempts to fire a canon at them (turns out we do have them)

“I’d like to use my magic hat,” Taxes says, because she REALLY doesn’t want anymore 7th level spells being thrown around and now seems like a good a time as any to figure out what the hat does

“oh my god,” says the DM

“oh my god, really?” he looks delighted

this is the first inkling we get that Taxes’ magic hat is maybe more powerful than any item we ever should have been given

ABOUT THE HAT

previous to this adventure (after Dinosaur Hell Island), Gregg went house shopping and we ended up stealing a fortress carved into a meteor (located in a plane I think our DM might have made up that was basically space) from a Beholder 

after clearing the Beholder and most of its minions out from our future home, we went through it and found a whole bunch of loot.  most notably a rock with a weird marking on it, a shield, and a helmet

the rock went to Gregg who owned the house and when she picked it up the markings moved to her arm and gave her sort of a sick sleeve tattoo that I think boosted all her necrotic spells or something

goth as FUCK

Xenon, the fighter and our very good friend, got the shield and I honestly don’t think we ever figured out what it did

Taxes got the Helmet of War

she’s a paladin of the god of war (and justice and fire), so why not

it’s just a normal-looking helmet and it gave +1 to armor class and our DM had me roll a d4 to see how many charges it had

the helmet had 4 charges, and we did an arcana check but all we learned was that it would summon “an avatar of war”

cool, I thought, like a spirit or something that can fight with me in battle

well

we didn’t bother to investigate any further

“I’d like to use my magic hat,” Taxes says, thinking that an avatar of war might be able to fly and go attack Harrison from a distance

“oh my god,” says the DM, and from the light in his eyes you’d think one of us had just gotten down on one knee for him

“are you sure,” he asks in the DM Voice, and Taxes just shrugs because even if it doesn’t work, at least they’ll know what the hat does, right?

“yeah,” Taxes says, “I activate my magic hat”

“oh my god,” the DM says, and starts furiously writing something down

we wait with interest because we’re starting to get the feeling that the hat does something cool

who’d have thought

“okay,” he says, after a minute

“Taxes starts to glow and she steps off the ship,” he says

“what,” I say, because I’m wearing plate armor and don’t trust myself to roll high enough not to drown because of it

“a giant, 50 foot tall, glowing Taxes forms around her”

“what,” I say

“you’re standing on top of the water, piloting this giant spectral form from the inside”

“what,” I say

“your strength and dex are both 30 and you have 100 additional health,” he says.  “it’ll last for 10 minutes or until the 100 health are depleted”

“what,” we all say

“what would you like to do, avatar of war?” he asks

oh, I’M the avatar of war

THAT’S what the hat does

Taxes raises her arm and points at the pirate ship

HARRISON, she yells, in a voice that’s 50 feet tall and also glowing

the intimidation roll is a nat 20

Gregg does a perception check and the DM assures us that Harrison has peed himself

we all feel very smug

“I want that ship,” I say to the DM

“you- what?” he asks

“I want to have that ship. I’m going to pick up it up,” I say

“oh my god,” he says

“roll strength for it,” he says

Taxes rolls a nat 20 to pick up the ship

the second nat 20 in a row

all four of us are literally shaking with excitement

she scoops up the ship with one huge, glowing hand, and heaves it up to eye level

down on our boat, Gregg and Yule are going absolutely ape

Gregg is screaming encouragement, Yule is on the verge of ecstatic tears

this is also exactly how we feel in real life

“what do you want to do with the boat?” the DM says

“uhh,” I say, because I hadn’t thought that far ahead

we all contemplate the situation

“you could dropkick it,” someone says

“oh my god,” I say

we look at the DM

“roll something,” he says, because no one wants to see what’s about to happen more than he does

natural 20

the third one

in a row

this will probably never happen to me again, ever, in my life

all four of us are shouting at once, we’re on the verge of hysteria

I’m in tears

it’s nearly 1 am and we’re acting like we’ve won the superbowl 

this is the best possible outcome the magic hat could have had

“how do you want to do this?” the DM asks, which is his special ‘I’m going to give you gays everything you want’ phrase that usually means we get to decide the finishing blow for an enemy

“actually,” I say, “can I jump serve it?”

“oh my god,” someone says

that’s right.  beach volleyball, motherfuckers

“yes,” he says

50 foot Taxes tosses the boat into the air

takes a beautiful run-up

and spikes a boat full of pirates so hard that it soars over the coastline and crashes well inland

“wow,” the DM says.  “I’m gonna need some time to figure out how much experience this get you”

later, once he’s got it figured out, it will be enough to give Taxes two levels instantaneously as well as giving Gregg and Yule one each

Taxes goes back to the boats she’s been traveling with

EVERYONE on board is losing their goddamn minds

Yule and Taxes decide to ride the high and take a moment to make an extra big prayer to their god to thank him for the magic hat because it’s so incredibly baller

the roll is not a nat 20, but a holy fire descends upon Mega Taxes and the symbol of Deimos appears over her huge, spectral breastplate

Attack of the Fifty Foot Taxes decides to just pick up the ships she’s traveling with and carry them as far as her remaining 9 minutes of avatar time will get her

“what day is it,” I ask the DM as we’re doing this, because we’re tracking exactly what day it is in-game and it’s fun to know

“june 21st,” he says, after flipping through his notes

“huh,” someone says, “that’s the summer solstice”

“oh my god,” he says

you’ll never guess which patron deity’s major holiday is celebrated on the summer solstice

that’s a lie, you get one guess

it’s Deimos, god of fire and justice and war and being AWESOME as HELL

so

a giant, glowing figure of a dwarf in battered armor with the symbol of Deimos blazing on their chest was seen walking across the ocean just offshore of a major continent that is currently on the cusp of all-out civil war on the morning of Demios’ holy day

it’s just Taxes, who really only does these things on accident or on impulse in the heat of the moment

but the people of the continent don’t know that 

soon, after reaching our destination and starting off on foot towards the village where Yule’s wife lives, we start hearing rumors about the return of Deimos, the Real Ass God

this is what makes the third war my fault

the rumors are never disproven and people continue to believe that Deimos Really Did That until the day we called it quits

“oh my god,” Taxes, a very grudging paladin, says in horror, adjusting her bandana more firmly over her face

“oh my god,” says Gregg, who knows exactly how she’s going to be introducing her friend to the next person they meet

[danny-the-shade-blog]

Writing about my DnD sessions

Hey haven't been drawing much cause I sprained my hand a bit (mixture of repetitive motion at work and to much gaming). It’s feeling better now just feeling to down in general to do anything. so I decided to make a quick update about something that I did enjoy that happened a couple months ago. My first DnD campaign. ^_^

Okay so this is something http://imxthexhandler.tumblr.com

have been planning for a while and a friend of mine offered to DM. We didn’t have a name for our setting world I don’t think but between the three of us we had a map and a general idea of what it was like. General DnD setting with some other elements like Warforged with some different real world cultural settings fantasy tweaked depending on the part of the map.

I was a 1/2 Dwarf 1/2 Dragonborn named Kindlin’ I was starting out as a Barbarian with the Outlander background. Was kind of going for the angle of being this incredibly muscular, scaly, intimidating looking guy but really peaceful and timid, especially around people but having this feral nature that kicked in when he or his friends were in danger.

http://imxthexhandler.tumblr.com/ was a (variant) human Sorceress named Neith. she was using the sea sorcery origin I found in Unearthed Arcana and the reformed cultist background from Matthew Mercer’s Taldorei campaign. She was basically going for the angle of she was taken in by the cult but when she saw what was really going on she bolted but not until there was some kind of magic experiment that gave her the water nature. Eventually we were going to have her progress into a transformation story line where she became a water genasi.

We were supposed to have met by her carriage being attacked by bandits or wildlife and I coming to help. she followed me back to my camp after I ran off and convinced me to come along with her. I did it partially to help her and partially hoping she would help me find my father (who was missing)

Well that’s enough of the set up details onto the adventure! I’ll just do a general summery here. no need to bog it down with OoC stuff and rolls other than 1′s or 20′s.

we started out at my camp. we gathered up some rations and I said goodbye to my campsite which I had lived at for years. being raised alone with my father.

we then started the long trek to town. getting sidetracked along the way as I found some boar tracks and was hungry. (survival check) when I caught up to it I failed my stealth check (not the sneakiest thing ever) but I raged and slew it with 1 hit! (rolled 5 on a d6 damage dice for my hand axe +4 str +2 rage = 11 which is exactly what I needed apparently) after that I field dressed the meat cooked light lunch and then we looked up encumbrance and how much meat it would have made.. it was like 100 lbs of meat.. and Kindlin’ refused to waste any so I piled it onto my pack and tied it up as I slowly carried most of it. (gave Neith a smaller amount so she wouldn’t be weighed down.)

Neith not being the outdoorsy type we stopped for breaks fairly often (for rp not mechanics) and would chat. I tried to rouse our spirits with a bit of the violin as we played. It worked alright (roll of 11 with -1 charisma = 10) but not great. it also seemed to have attracted a bear. which Neith alerted us to.

the bear came toward us and I grappled the bear. Neith panicked and bopped it on the nose with her staff. after the bear failed to escape my grapple and got booped we were able to use an animal handling check to shew it off. tossing it a little meat as it left to show no hard feelings. :3

(DnD Life Goal: Wrestle a bear. Check)

That was the first session. Onto Session 2! (like a month later)

now unfortunately that was both my rages for the day but it had only been a few hours and we wanted to get to the city. so we pressed on. we came upon a small caravan that was under attack by bandits. 5 of them. Now I knew it was stupid to attack them head on, without rages, at level 1. but the last words Kindlin’s father told him before he left were “be good” and that included helping people beset by bandits. he tried to sneak closer to maybe help quietly.. that worked about as well as you would think. after he was spotted he tried to just keep the bandits attention while Neith tried to sneak over and free them. she was also spotted. seeing the bandits were about to attack Kindling threw off his wooden mask (oh yeah he wears plain wooden mask to hide what he perceives as his monstrous appearance.)  and unleashed a breath attack at them (lightning element)

he hits 4 of the 5 as they were approaching him in a basic line the one in front taking the brunt of it the others making their saves for 1/2 damage. I then pulled out my war hammer and readied for their counter attack. they came at me some missing but I was pretty sure I was gonna die. especially when Neith took 1 hit from the leader and was down to 1 hit point. She managed to retaliate with a ray of frost slowing down one of the bandits so I didn’t take all 4 of them at once. one of the caravan seeing an opening managed to free himself and attacked a bandit as well. I smashed one bandit over the head with my war hammer. One of the others calls me a monster and though I’m out of actual rages I go into an rp rage and drop my hammer, popping my claws. I dodge their attacks next turn and yell “I’m not a monster!” and slice into both their throats with my unarmed attacks.  the man from the caravan and Neith manage to take out the 4th. in anger the leader took a swing at Neith and she just managed to use Shield to block it. seeing he was outnumbered he fled. as an oppurtunity attack Neith swung and hit him but rolled a 1 on damage so the DM flavored it as a butt thwack adding insult to injury.

As I calmed down I looked at my bloody claws through my torn gloves and knelt down to wipe them off on the grass. we introduced ourselves to the caravan (luckily they thought I was just lizardfolk so I didn’t need a lot of explaining) and then I buried the bodies of the bandits. I recovered my pack and we hopped on the caravan the rest of the way to the city. I passed out and Neith tended to her wounds then slept as well.

end of Session 2.

Onto session 3!

So we arrive in the Dwarven Harbor city of Tideforge (I came up with the name) a massive city of trade built into a sheer cliff face overlooking the ocean. the dm described it as tiered lower being mostly the harbor and a few homes the middle being the trade portion and the upper level being reserved for the rich and nobility. she didn’t say this but I kind of pictured it as a sort of bowl like Cape Suzette from Tail Spin with Dwarven/pueblo Indian twist.

We look around for a while and my character is trying so hard to remember this place but is failing miserably on all his history checks. This was where he lived when he was a kid but it had been a long time. at one point I was examining an archway and didn’t realize I had wandered off from Neith to do so. After a moment she realized she lost me in the crowd and I realized I was alone. My char instantly became very anxious and frightened. Feeling isolated around all these people he didn’t know.

So yes that’s right. Yesterday my character wrestled a bear. No problem. He gets in the city and he is reduced to the crying lost child at the mall.

through a few checks and a semi pathetic hop to poke my head above the crowd of people Neith finds me and she calms me down and chastises me for wandering off.

We are then approached by a dwarf “white haired dwarven man approaches. He has white scruffy hair, an older gentleman with ice blue eyes. He's in studded armor, with a long sword on his back. One of the dwarves arms is also cocked at an almost unnatural angle, clearly stuck that way due to prior damage judging by the scars visible as well“

at first I have trouble remembering but after he calls me “lizard” I roll and get a natural 20. It’s my “uncle” Atland! I quickly give him a big hug then introduce Neith. He offers to show us around and this is the first person Kindling has met in a long time he is really comfortable around he begins just babbling stream of consciousness style about everything up to that point. ending about the time they get to a tavern with asking if Uncle Atland would like to hear him play the violin. something he learned after he left Tideforge. aaaand NAT 20 performance check! *meme air horn music* 

(DnD Life Goal: Play Epic Public Violin Performance. Check)

after that there’s a lot of just us talking learning about what’s been going on in tide forge, talking to atland, inquiring about a temple for neith to seek shelter in and maybe help her figure out what’s going on with her and her powers and the cult. and we end the session. the last session is basically just us selling the meat then our dm getting a headache and ending early. and it’s been 3 months since then I think so yeah :( hoping to get back into it someday but *shrugs*

I did run a one shot with http://imxthexhandler.tumblr.com that maybe I’ll talk about next time in summery form. She said she was doing a detailed edit of our skype and posting it though so probably just let her do that. If you want the Full skype post of this campaign let me know. (it would be looong)

[swilmarillion]

Top five strangest things mairon's ever found while cleaning Melkor's apartment? Or do I even want to know...

“Okay,” said Mairon, coming down the hallway.  “I’ve found a lot of weird shit in yourapartment over the years, but this…”

Melkor looked up from where he sat on the couch and foundMairon standing at the entrance to the hallway. In his hands was a large metal cage, covered in dust.  He held it away from him, a frown of distasteon his face.  

“What about it?” Melkor said, stubbornly unperturbed.  

“It’s a cage.”

“Nothin’ gets by you, Sherlock.”

“Why do you have a cage?” Mairon demanded, brandishing it athim.

“Uh,” said Melkor, as though it should’ve been obvious.  “For the rats.”

Melkor rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead with thepalm of his hand.  The cage fell free onone side and swung down by his side.  “Idon’t know why I’m surprised,” he said, shaking his head.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Like I said, I’ve found some weird shit in your apartmentover the years.”

“I mean, but your limited definition of weird, then sure.”

“Oh, so the doll wasn’t weird?”

“The doll was a collector’s item.”

“Collector’s item my ass,” Mairon said.  “You bought it at a flea market.”

“Yeah,” Melkor said, “but it was haunted.”

“Haunting,maybe.  Jesus Christ, that thing’s facestill shows up in my nightmares sometimes.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“It had real human hair.”

“I mean,” Melkor said, and though about it for amoment.  “Fine,” he said, conceding thepoint.  “But that’s one thing.”

“How about the mummified lizard thing?”

“Okay, first of all, that was taxidermy, not a mummy,”Melkor said.  “And it was a dragon,which, I guess you could classify as a lizard but—”

“But,” Mairon finished for him, “that’s not a real thing.”

“Uh, last time I checked, things you can hold in your handare usually classified as real things.”

“Okay, but not everything you can hold in your hand is adragon, no matter what some idiot on ebay says.”

“It was Craigslist,” Melkor said.

“Somehow,” Mairon said, “that’s worse.”

“Whatever happened to old Draco anyway?”

“Please tell me you didn’t name your fake mummy dragonlizard after that Dragonheart movie.”

“If by movie, you mean cinematic masterpiece,” Melkorsaid.  “Then yes.”

“Jesus,” Mairon said, rolling his eyes.

“And anyway, the original question still stands.”

“It probably got eaten by the Roomba from hell.”

“That was a good idea in principle.”

“It was not,” Mairon said. “Which is why it also gets a spot on this list of weird-ass shit I’vefound in your apartment.”

“Look,” said Melkor.  “Youmight have noticed that I don’t, um, how can I say this?”

“Clean your apartment literally ever?”

“Put as much effort into my apartment as, say, a type-Afreak like you,” Melkor said.

“Where did you even get a four-foot-high Roomba?”

“I built it,” Melkor said. Mairon gave him a skeptical look. “I have a fucking degree in mechanical engineering,” he said, annoyed.  “Don’t give me that look.”

“You need to retake a safety course,” Mairon said.  “Or, like, seven.”

“That’s a little harsh.”

“That thing escaped, wandered into the hallway, and ate acat.”

“Escaped is a generous term,” Melkor said.  “It wasn’t like, sentient or anything.  I just left the door open.”

“Is that supposed to be better?”

“Simple carelessness is like, a million times better thansome kind of vengeful robotic vacuum creature hellscape.”

“I’ll give you that one,” Mairon said.  “But your not-sentient, debatably vengefulrobotic vacuum creature still ate your neighbor’s cat.”

“It was an honest mistake,” Melkor said.  “And one that could have been avoided if youhad just coded the thing for me like I asked.”

“You didn’t ask.”

“I did!  You blew meoff.”

“I probably didn’t think you were serious.”

“What in the history of our relationship would make youthink that?”

“That’s…”Mairon paused, considering.  “Fair,” he conceded at last.  “Man, you manage to collect some weird shit.”

“Okay,” Melkor said, “but you’re forgetting arguably theweirdest thing I have ever owned.”

“That weird bottle of ground up tiger penis bone?”

“No,” Melkor said.  “But,speaking of, do I still have that somewhere? Because we should try it.”

“I’m probably going to regret asking, but what does thateven mean?”

“It’s an aphrodisiac.”

“First of all, gross. Second of all, no it’s not.  Andthird—and arguably, most importantly—there has never been a single moment ofour relationship when we would have needed an aphrodisiac.”

“There are lots of things you don’t need,” Melkor said.  “Butusing them is still fun.”

“Now that,” said Mairon, “is a statement I can get behind.”

“I feel like I’m missing an opportunity for a pretty radinnuendo, but the tiger penis bone was not what I had in mind.”

“The switchblade with the blood on it,” Mairon suggested.

“You’re still hung up on that, huh?”

“It had blood on it,” Mairon said.

“So?”

“Do you want Hep C? Because that’s how you get Hep C.”

“Please,” Melkor said, waving a hand dismissively.  “You’re giving viruses too much credit.  Any disease was long dead by the time Ibought the thing.”

“Fine,” Mairon said, “but you still basically bought amurder weapon.”

“That might be true,” Melkor said, “but good fuckin’ luck toanyone trying to find it.”

“The one advantage of being a hoarder,” Mairon said, rollinghis eyes.

“Oh, honey,” Melkor said. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

“Please let that be a joke.”

“You’re still missing the weirdest thing.”

Mairon thought about it for a moment.  “Fine,” he said.  “I give up. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever owned?”

“The grimoire,” Melkor said, leaning back with aself-satisfied grin.

“Please,” Mairon said, rolling his eyes.  “That’s not even top ten.”

“It was bound in human skin!”

“And?”

“Human skin!” Melkor repeated, affronted.

“You can find a handful at any good rare books library,”Mairon said, unimpressed.

“Fine,” said Melkor, crossing his arms and frowning inannoyance.  “What would you say is theweirdest thing I’ve ever owned?”

“This,” Mairon said, kicking the rat cage.

“Now you’re just being ridiculous.”

“Am not.”

“How is a goddamn rat cage weirder than a fucking grimoire?  Or, like, anything else we talked about inthe last five minutes?”

“Because everything else had an explanation,” Maironsaid.  “But this?”

“It’s a fucking rat cage,” Melkor said.  “I don’t know what other explanation youwant.”

“You don’t have a rat.”

“Not anymore.”

“I—what?”

“You heard me.”

“When did you ever have a rat?”

“I mean, I didn’t have them as pets.”

“Them?”

“I had like, two dozen of them.”

“I swear to God if you don’t explain—”

“You know how I bought out the other apartments on thisfloor to make mine three times bigger?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, two of my neighbors were down to move out for a nicelump sum of cash,” Melkor said.  “But thethird guy needed a little more convincing.”

“Oh, no.”

“I offered him money,” Melkor said.  “Like, a lot of money.  I offered to find him a new place.  Hell, I offered to buy him a new place.”

“Oh, no.”

“I tried to get Thil to help me evict him, but she wouldn’tdo it.”

“How dare she.”

“I know, right?”

“Melkor, please tell me you didn’t put a bunch of rats inyour neighbor’s apartment.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t necessarily say I put them there.”

“Oh my God,” Mairon said, shaking his head.  “I’m dating a psychopath.”

“Hey,” Melkor said.  “Metoo.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Babe, I’ve worked with you for like, seven years.  No one with your work habits could possiblybe sane.”

“Luckily for you,” Mairon said.

“No arguments here,” said Melkor.  He stood up. “Come on,” he said, brushing past Mairon and walking down the hall.

“Where are we going?”

“If you’re looking for weird shit I’ve collected over theyears,” Melkor said, turning to face him and walking backwards down the hall, “thenI’ve got a closet that you’re gonna love.”

[bubblelliot]

So yeah, I really tried not to, but it's been over a month, I am bored, I am tired, I need positivity and I love talking about my babies. I figured tumblr would be a good place to do so, so here goes nothing. (This first one, I played in another tabletop game than D&D. The campaign is also not complete and on pause, so sorry about this, but I'll post when we continue it!)

Rhodrag The Proud

(this art is a picrew, not from me, here is the link to it: https://picrew.me/image_maker/41329)

Technicalities:

Rhodrag is a 25 years old river troll. She is my very first character. She is a shaman, which is pretty much the wizard equivalent of the game I was playing. She focuses mostly on healing and helping others, but can also be a powerful damage dealer and has no pity for those she sees as real enemies. She can take damage pretty well for a spellcaster, but is relatively weak. Her charisma is average, but she is intelligent and very wise, which makes people trust her. She speaks 4 languages: Trikhruthan (troll language), Common, Demonic and sign language. She is currently level 4.

Appearance:

River trolls usually have a fin on their head, but hers was cut off in her childhood to give her more chances of being able to disguise in a xenophobic world. She has a scar going through her face which she got, while fighting, from one of her ally who fell from very high (YES WHILE HOLDING A DAGGER) and was caught by her (he mostly fell on her but sh~). She always looks pretty stoic, almost rough, as she tends to hide her feelings.

Gear:

She possesses a few daggers, which she mostly got off her enemies' bodies as well as a pistol which she rarely ever uses. She wears a light armor and a big cape. Her last weapon is her blood fetish, a traditional shaman weapon that helps her with spells. The only important thing she possesses which is not gear is a ring that belonged to her mother and was made by her father.

Backstory, personal life and the campaign:

Rhodrag was born within troll territories and moved to Arkelon's capital when she was about 4 years old, her parents wishing to earn money and live a better life. Humans being shitty as they are, the promised life never was and they had to live in the slums surrounding the city. Her father worked at the port and her mother spent her days helping the community with her shaman talents which she taught to her daughter. One night, she was walking home with her parents and distanced them a little, happy from the day and eager to get home as fast as possible, when they were attacked. Rhodrag barely got the time to hide, but her parents were taken, leaving her, a child, alone. She lived the next years, helping like her mother did and living from the food she could find or get and from the help she got in return from her community.

Fast forward many years. Rhodrag is in the city, much like everyone, to watch the annual combat tournament on the screens placed outside the arena for those unable to pay tickets. She attends with her best friend, Gobbite, a jaanvar-saan (a lizard man basically) from the slums whose parents were killed. The day is going well until three bombs explode in the arena. There is a general panic and two more explode, this time by the screens. Soon enough, while trying to help people, Rhodrag and Gobbite meet other people: Kass and Blue, respectively a jaanvar-chi (bird person) and a human who are adopted siblings from a rich family, 0.9 and Drax, a human and a dragonkin travelling together, Zædrick, another dragonkin and Malphas, a jaanvar-saan. Together they start investigating the attacks, are lead towards the Dragon Queen, a benefactor in the slums, and accomplish various quests to gain her trust.

Gobbite, scared, leaves the party, promising Rhodrag the be prudent and to let her know if he finds out anything. They also meet Herr Frost, an ice troll, and his crow, Snowball, as well as Missah, an orc who saved Kass many years ago. They continue investigating and are soon left by Drax, who prefers to not get entangled in those stories.

While accomplishing a quest which consists of finding people who ran from the city to the slums and who got stuck in the catacombs because of an infestation, Rhodrag finds the dead bodies of 4 river trolls, and hiding in the cracks of the walls, 2 children, Remian and Agnes which she instantly loves. She learns the dead trolls were their only family.

She spends her days investigating and her nights with Remian and Agnes, as well as the other kids of the orphanage created for children who got separated from their parents in the attacks. She soon finds herself falling in love with Kass and soon enough they become a couple.

A few weeks later, the crew has met the Dragon Queen and now has people to investigate on. While searching the house of one of them, they are interrupted by another river troll, Endanor, who won't stop following Rhodrag. The truth is revealed: he is her brother.

Here is what happened:

Their parents were supposed to be sold as slaves, but escaped and reached the river trolls territories, hoping to earn money to go back to the capital. Their mother became pregnant and gave birth to Endanor. When he was around 5, their father gave him a ring, the same ring that Rhodrag owned and told him to look out for his sister, 10 years older, who wore the same ring. Slowly he fell into madness and had to be hospitalized. Their mother fell in love again and had twins with her new partner.

Rhodrag takes all this information in and her mask cracks. She cries in her brother's arms while he informs her that her family is in the slums and that he was here looking for her.

The next day, she and Endanor are heading to their family and Rhodrag thinks about Agnes and Remian. She decides to head to the orphanage, picks up the two kids "for a walk" and annonces the two extatic kids that not only is she adopting them, they also get to meet the rest of their family. The night is wonderful and full of tears for everyone, mostly Rhodrag. (Fun fact, 0.9 followed them and wasn't not noticed until Agnes just sees him and is like: oh hi! And 0.9 was like: sup. And he also ended up spending the night with the family cause he was lost lmao).

The next day, Rhodrag and 0.9 leave to prepare to strike at an event. The whole thing turns out to just be a sacrificial demonic thingy, 3 members almost die (Blue, Kass and Zædrick), Blue literally kills a guard my jumping on his head with her high heels, they are helped and everyone heads to the bad dude's lair. Upon arriving, they are attacked by hell hounds, Kass is shocked and has to leave the fight so they hide near the entrance. The hell hounds are killed, we runs to the complete back of the building where the big bad guy is with 4 other guys chanting. In the middle of the room, there's a demon being invoked and there are two minor demons spawner. Rhodrag freezes the a**hole and they manage to kill the 4 men and to block the spawners by having something over it (first, it's Rhodrag and 0.9, then it's the dead bodies of the imps or cult dudes). The demon wakes up and the leader disappears. First OF COURSE he attacks Rhodrag AND THEN the other healer cause he is the most detestable person ever, and Rhodrag passes out. People continue to fight, the demon moves and Missah kills the leader and spits on his dead body because "no one tries to kill our Rhodrag." 😭 Then Rhodrag is healed, they kill the demon and run out of the building as it breaks into pieces and we find ourselves outside in a DEMONIC APOCALYPSE. A jeep appears, going full speed and stops by, it's the Dragon Queen. She just tells them to get in to go to safety.

To be continued...