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beneathsilverstars · 7 months ago

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My @isat-secretsanta-2024 gift for @pillowspace!! They said they’re fascinated by secret research lab AUs, and, in a case of incredible serendipity, that’s been my favorite trope since I was like 8 years old. So I may have gotten possessed and spent three weeks straight worldbuilding a whole entire thing.

So! This comic is my gift for Pillow, but I’m planning to write a fic set in the same AU eventually, titled Desperate Measures. It will take place in a modern day Vaugarde and focus on Odile, Loop, and Siffrin, alongside other more-or-less-familiar faces. And by “eventually” I mean this is now my highest priority project, but it’s big enough that it may be a couple months till I have anything else to show!

Journal transcript under the cut:

wavelength of 690nm, which means it would activate L cones nearly exclusively. If we're correct in our mapping of wavelength combinations to color terms in historical documents, then this would be considered a shade of "red".

I still don't know if I believe it. It seems fantastical, like I've become a character in a children's story, chosen to leave behind the world of the mundane and enter a realm of magic. Or like this is all a dream, and as soon as I'm about to see the shade my brain will realize it doesn't actually know how to show me something I've never seen before, so it'll put me in front of a full auditorium instead; and then I'll forget how to speak Vaugardian, or realize I'm not wearing any pants, or both, and then I'll wake with a start back in Ka Bue.

But however strange it seems, I can't think of any reason they'd have to lie about it. Why else all the NDAs? Why else contact me? So I must assume that it's true. That after years of trying to solve humanity's loss of color vision — a project that began long before I joined it, and that I expected to continue long past my time — I am about to simply be shown a perceivable color. That's the strangest part, really; that this breakthrough isn't related to the mechanisms of sight, but rather, the thing seen.

14/1/29

I thought perhaps they'd synthesized it somehow. Stumbled upon the correct combination of chemicals by accident. Maybe even invented a new sort of craft.

I didn't expect their source of red to be alive.

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aeb-art · 4 months ago

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Helping When It Hurts (You/Me]

Chapter 8

Summary: I told you from the start that the outcome wouldn't change, hadn't I? This play was always going to end this way. Note: there's art in this chapter!! yippie!! :D

(ao3 link)

So…

That was why it reset at the end every time, huh? That was why the Head Housemaiden’s words always sent Siffrin back to the start? That was why when you’d finally beaten the King after years of suffering, when the realization that your friends [who hadn’t even felt like real people anymore] were going to leave you all alone again- THAT was why!

Stars, you were so blinding stupid…

If you just opened your stupid useless mouth and told them-! If you’d just asked Bonbon if you could escort them home! If you asked the others to join you-! If you weren’t so-!!!

You… If only you weren’t you…

Well.

You couldn’t open your mouth ever again now! It was blown right off of your head! along with most of your throat!

And you weren’t yourself anymore! You sure got that wish, huh? You stopped feeling human so long ago and the Universe gave you a makeover to match! and it was so effective that the friends you distorted time and space to keep in your life didn’t even recognize you!!!

It took everything in you to not crumble into a million pieces when they all spoke to you like you were a stranger. There wasn’t a single glimmer of familiarity in any of their eyes. Mira had held a hand in front of Bonbon to stop them from getting closer to you. Odile had scrutinized your every word, she didn’t trust a single thing you said, even though you gave them everything they’d needed to stop the world from breaking! Isa barely said a word, he just kept gripping his arms and tapping his foot like a rabbit, so antsy to get moving that he couldn't even look you in the eye!

If the circumstances were different, if there wasn’t a moron to catch up to and a King to kill and a world to save, if everything had been a little calmer, would they notice? You were practically begging for them to see past the star. You weren’t even doing the higher pitched voice! You weren’t using your hands to talk or kicking your feet over the tree root. You weren’t stopping yourself from ducking your head, even though you didn’t have a big cloak collar to hide in or a big hat brim to shadow yourself beneath.

Look at me! I’m still here! Please just look at me! I’m real! I love you! I love you all so much! Please, just look at me! Please, please, please! I’m still-!!!

…

After showing them the call craft hand sign and telling Mira about the shield book in the secret room of the library, you waved them off before slipping into the dark behind the tree.

You noticed Mira had to hold Bonbon’s hand and tug them a little to get them to completely look away from you and leave. Did they notice? They were a smart kid, always had been, but perhaps that was only wishful thinking.

It wasn’t like you were ever going to find out.

You weren’t the main character anymore. You gave it up. That long awaited reunion proved you’d never be able to reconnect those relationships. You’d killed those bonds you once held so dear. You weren’t their friend anymore. You ruined your chances.

When they’d reached the top and saved Siffrin, when they’d told him their own wishes and put all their hearts into talking some sense into him, when they’d gotten him to finally admit what you never could- that sealed your fate.

Hah… They really did it. They’d broken out. You felt the counter in your head of every second erased just stop and the headache it normally brought you faded away.

You had been trapped for exactly 5 years, 2 months, 4 days, 16 hours, 15 minutes, and 12 seconds. Only a little over 2 months of which were with stardust.

Ugh, no, no! You weren’t calling them that anymore! Sure, in the beginning you called them stardust because they were what was left of who you used to be [and because it made their face scrunch up in distaste the first time you said and you knew you would’ve reacted the same], but that wasn’t what the name became! If they were only your remains, you never would’ve… No, they had lost the right to be called a name that you started using with such affection. It was just Siffrin now. It wasn’t your name anymore, it wasn’t your life anymore! They could have it!!!

And speaking of Siffrin’s slights against you, he’d broken another part of his flimsy little promise. They said they wouldn’t argue with you again, but they had. They said they wouldn’t let you be puppeteered again, but they threatened you with it. They said they wouldn’t hurt themself, but they did!

It was hard to watch him in the House at first. With how the House grew so distorted, with how you had to focus on helping your friends get safely through the House, with Siffrin somehow blocking you out [there was so much static], you struggled to keep your eye on him, but you still caught it. You saw them roll up both sleeves of their sweater and embed glass shards into their forearms until the bloody marks looked suspiciously like an inversion of the light that peaked through your own flesh. You saw them smile at their work like it was a piece of art. You had to tear your eyes away. You felt sick, your skin crawled.

Siffrin couldn’t just leave it at that either, nope, of course they couldn’t! Why stop at just cutting constellations into their arms when they could try killing themself right in front of your friends?! The others’ horrified screams as your dagger slashed his throat open, the blood pouring from the open wound sparkling like your own, the way Mira’s craft healed him so haphazardly…

It left a scar. When Siffrin returned to normal and they all started falling [thank the stars that Odile used craft to slow their descent], you saw the jagged fresh scar tissue peeking out from his collar. It cut up their turtleneck too. The cloak also had a cut on their right arm where Odile’s attack had slashed him, blood caked around the tear. You wondered if Isa would be able to mend it without messing with the craft enchantment… It wasn’t your business anymore though.

They all looked so happy in the end. They were so relieved and excited for the future. They all were so open about how they loved each other and wanted to stay together and how they were all hoping for the same thing but every single one of them was just too afraid to ask.

It hurt. The pit in what used to be your stomach grew deeper and deeper with every word you overheard. You didn’t even want to watch anymore. You were just hurting yourself, but you couldn’t pull yourself away from it. It felt like you were stabbing yourself in the chest and you couldn’t bring yourself to drop the knife.

Then you saw Siffrin leave the roof. They hadn’t talked to the Head Housemaiden yet, they were just… leaving? The others stopped them, before all of them left together.

That wasn’t how it was supposed to go though, was it? The story here had to end with the Head Housemaiden, that was the natural end to this. She was even expecting them to speak with her before they’d all pack up to go! So why…?

Oh…

He was coming to you, wasn’t he?

Well, what does he want from you now? He clearly didn’t want you to stick around last time! Why bother coming back now? Was he coming to gloat? See, Loop? I was able to break out and you weren’t!

Or maybe he’d fall to his knees crying, begging you to forgive him.

Or maybe he’d see you for what you were and, just like in that stupid story, he’d kill you and finally completely take your place, erasing your existence as the original.

Or maybe he’d see you for what you were, but also see you for what you became and see how you’d felt before the end and he’d-!

You shook away that thought. You didn’t want that anymore. You didn’t! You didn’t! You didn’t! You couldn’t! Your skin frizzled as you gripped your arms and curled into a tighter ball.

They lost the right to your heart, or well… your star.

Your heart…

They still had it, didn’t they? It continued to beat inside their chest even now. Well, you had just said they lost the right to it, so naturally you should just take it back for yourself. They got your happy ending for you, so now you could just take your rightful place back where you belonged! Just tear them open, rip it out, and put it back inside yourself! Maybe you could pull their skin over you like a suit so there’d be no way the others would figure out something happened! Siffrin was so different now after the loops, in ways that the others couldn’t even begin to fathom yet, so surely they would just brush off those differences regardless of which Siffrin was left alive. It wouldn’t even matter! They wouldn't notice, they couldn’t! and then your original wish could be fulfilled and you could go on your merry way with the family you were supposed to have! If you just-!

Your eyes widened and you let go of yourself. Your fingertips had shifted into razor sharp points that skewered into your arms and left blood trickling down to your elbows, dripping on your legs and the ground at your sides.

You couldn’t breath in, so you counted to seven, like how you’d walked star- Siffrin through his breathing exercise so long ago now. You could not breathe out, so you counted to seven again… You did that two more times, seven in and seven out.

You brought your hands back up to your arms and used craft to heal the wounds shut. It was oddly grounding… You’d get up to wash off the blood later.

Stars, what were you even thinking?! You couldn’t hurt Siffrin! He was… Well, you thought he was your friend, he had told you as much a long time ago. You cared about him, you loved him, and for some celestial forsaken reason, you were ashamed to admit that you still very much did. You loved them so much that it was eating away at your insides.

They hadn’t been in their right mind after all, clearly, you’d known that, so maybe if you talked things through, he could apologize and make it up to you! Maybe you could tell him about who you were and what you were hiding from him and maybe he’d understand!

Maybe a lot of things…

Could you really see him right now though?

How would you be able to look them in the eye and not remember how they’d looked at you when they embedded their dagger in the tree beside your head?

How would you be able to look at them and not see the chance of a life that was stolen from you? How would you be able to see that and not want to take it back by force?

How would you be able to look at him and not ask him to kill you so you wouldn't have to live in a world that had nothing left for you? in a world where you had long since given up your place in it? a world where you had lost the right to remain in?

No, no, you couldn’t let him see you. You couldn’t let yourself do something you’d both regret, if either of you even lived long enough to regret it.

You’d just stay here and hide. It’d be easy! You were great at disappearing into the background! The Universe even put you in a place that was so dark that your lightless shell made you vanish beneath the forest canopy when you suppressed your light. There was no way they’d find you when they got here.

…so why did you want them to?

When you’d run off yesterday, they’d barely gone a couple steps forward before they gave up on you. You hadn’t even gone far! They didn’t even try! Why should you even consider the idea that they would care enough to chase you and search for you?! After what they did to you, you should already be running as far away from this stupid town and never looking back! You should just leave him behind!

And yet, and yet, and yet…

You were ripped out of your thoughts when you’d heard the soft crunch of grass under familiar steel heeled boots.

“Goodbye, Loop.”

If you could breathe, the air would be caught in your throat.

What…?

“And thank you.”

No, no, no! That-! That couldn’t be all they had to say!

They didn’t even call out to you. They didn’t try stepping around the tree or climbing up to the top to see if you were there. They didn’t try to use call craft to reach you. They just-! They just came here to say goodbye to the stupid tree! like it was your grave! like you were just gone!!! like you were never a real living person in the first place!!!!!!

You waited another half an hour after his footsteps disappeared into the distance before you stood up, just to be safe.

You tried to ignore how the blood stuck the sugar of your skin together and crumbled and cracked as you ambled around the Favor Tree.

You really hadn’t gone far. You really weren’t hard to find. You didn’t even try to leave.

But he still didn’t look for you.

You looked at the root where you used to sit together for hours talking… On top of it sat a single silver coin, one that perfectly matched your own, and a single flower, another daisy. Hah… He really left something here for you like it was truly your grave, something with all their memories of the loops attached to it and something he tried to give you before that he had ripped from your grasp when time reset.

You held their coin tight in your palm until it hurt, until the pain of it digging into you burned.

You weren’t gone, you weren’t dead.

You held your own coin in your other hand just as tight. You brought both hands up against your aching chest.

You were not a ghost, you were alive.

Your knees buckled under you. Your forehead pressed against the grass.

You were real.

You are real and you exist and you’re here and you… You…

You deserved better.

Eventually, you wiped the tears from your eyes and stood once more. You didn’t bother wiping off the dirt or the grass or the blood.

You looked down that forest path, one that you had become so painfully familiar with. The light breeze made the dandelions dance and tree branches sway. It blew the scent of delicious food from the party in town to you. Faintly you could hear laughter and music.

If you were someone else, you would join in.

Alas, you continued to be yourself.

And you were never someone worth looking for.

Under the cover of night, you stole a tablecloth someone neglected to bring inside from the party. You held it around yourself like a makeshift cloak and allowed yourself to pretend it was anywhere close to what you once had.

That night, with only two coins and a flower to your name, you headed south through the woods and didn’t look back.

[Goodbye… And I’m sorry.]

#2025 #isat loop #isat two coins au #sifloop #fic #isat spoilers #isat #FINALLY DONE!#i'm so happy with how the drawings turned out ough orz #oh my dear sweet daisy my beautiful princess with a disorder... i'm sorry but this had to happen #anyway love y'all xoxo

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