#MY DREAM HAS FINALLY COME TRUEEEE

[starmocha]

Apple of My Eye [Caleb + Son ★ 2k words ★ Masterlist ★ Series Index ★ AO3] A silly morning making breakfast together. A/N: ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡ MY BOY DAD CALEB SHENANIGAN IS STARTING YAY. I’ve been yapping about this since November lmao Tag list: @lavlynyan @miudle @alfredosaws @solifloris @nezuswritingdesk @valkyyriia @natimiles @yourlocalcatscammer @callilypso @likewhyareyousoobsessedwithme @goddessnyx216 @qyuin @asiaticapple 【 request to be added 】

Caleb had always thought the best day of his life was marrying the girl he had been in love with for nearly their whole lives.

He was wrong.

It turned out it was actually the day she gave birth to his son and made him a father.

Before that, it had always been him and her against the world, his hand in hers from then until eternity. From the moment he had first held his son in his arms, his shocked face staring down at the little baby cradled in his arms, unable to fathom that this was his child he had with her. However, the moment his son’s tiny hand grasped his finger, holding on tight with all of his strength, Caleb knew he could never imagine a life without his little co-pilot.

The sun wasn’t out yet, but Caleb had already begun to stir from sleep, completely conditioned to waking up early for as long as he could remember. However, there was one other person in this household who was adamant about being the first to wake up.

Caleb remained in bed, laying on his stomach facedown, his cheek pressed to his pillow as he lounged lazily, hearing from down the hallways the rushed soft pitter-patters of little feet on hardwood floor. He could hear his bedroom door creaking. It was never closed completely, always left opened slightly ajar so his son could come in whenever he needed to.

The little boy peeked in before pushing the door opened further and proceeded to toddle his way to his father’s bed. He attempted to climb up, the sounds of his incessant grunting and whining nearly made Caleb burst out laughing, but he managed to quickly compose himself, remaining as still as possible in bed to not rouse suspicion from his son.

The little boy continued to try to climb, his small hands unable to grasp the mattress and pull himself up. He whined in frustration before crying out, “Help! Daddy, help!”

Caleb stifled his laughter. He pretended to still be asleep.

“SOS! SOS! Daddy, SOS!”

This finally broke him.

Caleb rolled over onto his back, his arm clutching his stomach as he shook and laughed hard to the point his sides were hurting.

“Daddy!”

“Okay, okay,” he answered as more laughter unwittingly escaped. “Distressed signal received, my little co-pilot.”

With a gentle curl of his finger, he manipulated his Evol, the gravity around his son lightened and suddenly the little boy floated up giggling and kicking his feet in delight. He was lured closer to his father before dropping into Caleb’s waiting arms.

The little boy was still in a light blue onesie with little yellow airplanes all over, the soft fabric of his sleepwear brushed against Caleb.

Caleb peered down gently into a pair of identical violet eyes. His son really had taken after him in all aspects from physical appearance to his personality and even mannerism. Sometimes, Caleb couldn’t help but teased his wife about how her genes didn’t even try, their son a perfect replica of him.

The only difference Caleb saw was the sweet innocence of a child still remained in his two-year-old, and he was determined to safeguard that for as long as he could, wishing his son to always be bright-eyed and happy.

“Daddy?”

It was like looking into a mirror.

“Hm?”

“I miss Mommy…”

Definitely a copy of him.

Caleb hugged his son a little tighter, sympathizing with the child completely.

“I miss her, too,” he said, “but she is away helping other small children like you affected by a wanderer attack.”

The boy pouted, not completely understanding his father’s explanation. He didn’t know why he had to share his mommy, but he wanted her home with him again. He raised his head, his cheek puffing in frustration as his eyebrows furrowed in serious contemplation. “Can we make Mommy not go next time?”

“Huh?”

“I want her to stay with me…”

“Selfish little rascal, aren’t you?” Caleb teased. “We can try, but she would probably be disappointed in you.”

“Disap… Disap…” The boy’s brows furrowed even more as he struggled to repeat that odd word his father had just said.

“She would be unhappy with you,” Caleb explained gently.

The toddler immediately looked guilty, his pout disappeared the moment he heard his father’s explanation. “I don’t want her to be unhappy…”

“Then be a brave good little boy for her,” Caleb said, his hand smoothing his son’s disheveled hair back. He continued in a soothing tone, “Can you do that for her?”

“Yes!”

Caleb smiled, amused by the determination in his son’s eyes. He settled more comfortably in bed with the toddler laying on his chest. “Okay, let’s sleep for a while longer,” he said, letting a yawn slipped through. “Daddy will make breakfast for the two of us in a bit…”

“But I’m not…” the little boy yawned as his father rubbed his small back gently. He nuzzled his face against his father’s chest. “…sle…epy…”

“I know,” Caleb responded agreeably, his own eyes closing at the same time as his son’s. In minutes, the room was filled with the sound of gentle snoring, both father and son slipping back to dreamland in the dark, cool room.

About an hour and a half later, Caleb and his son were both fully awake. After washing up, they both headed for the kitchen with the little boy sitting on his father’s shoulders, his small hands grasping Caleb’s hair as if they were reins as he “steered” his father into the direction of their destination.

“Are we ready for landing, my co-pilot?” Caleb asked, his eyes darting up to check.

“Ready!”

Caleb smiled and used his Evol to lift his son into the air, always delighting in the little boy’s sweet giggles. “Alright,” he said, “You are cleared for landing.”

Caleb’s smile widened as his son squealed happily as he guided the boy to float gently down, letting his feet lightly touch the kitchen countertop. He steadied the boy and helped him sit down. “And how was your flight today, sir?”

“Good, Daddy!”

He laughed and leaned down, his forehead touching his son’s. “Okay, let’s get breakfast ready, buddy,” he said, “I don’t know about you, but Daddy is so hungry, he’s probably gonna end up eating his plate, too.”

“Your plate?” the boy repeated, astonished, making a face at him. “Daddy is so silly…!”

“Silly, am I?” he countered back in mock-surprise. “No, not sillier than you?”

“Yes, sillier!”

“I dunno,” he repeated, heading to the fridge to retrieve some ingredients. He set on the counter a couple of eggs, green onions, tomatoes, and a container of shredded cheddar cheese. “Who’s the silly little boy who dunked his cotton candy into water and watched it melt away after being told not to do it?”

The boy pouted and shook his head vehemently. “No, no, no, Daddy is sillier!”

“Yeah?” Caleb asked, grabbing a small cutting board and a knife from a drawer. He proceeded to finely minced the green onions and diced the tomatoes. “Sillier than a certain little boy who didn’t want to come inside for naptime, because he was too busy holding a leaf to shade his new frog friend he found outside?”

“Daddy is sillier!” he cried out in response to his father’s teasing.

“Okay, okay,” Caleb laughed, relenting, “Daddy is sillier than you.”

He leaned over and pecked his son’s cheek. “But I don’t see it as a bad thing, do you?”

He gazed down into identical violet eyes, seeing the same mirth reflected back to his. Caleb grabbed the eggs he had set to the side, bringing them over to his son along with a medium-sized bowl. “Okay, can you crack these eggs for Daddy?”

His son grinned and nodded enthusiastically, carefully grabbing the egg Caleb handed to him. He followed his father’s instruction and carefully cracked the egg on the side of the bowl and with Caleb’s guidance, he broke the egg.

“Good job, buddy,” Caleb praised, smiling softly as he could see the little boy brimming with pride. “Three more eggs to go.”

After the last egg was cracked, the toddler held up his small hands to his father, frowning as he said softly, “Daddy… my hands are yucky…”

Caleb chuckled in amusement and picked up his son to carry him over to the kitchen sink. “Not a problem,” he said, turning on the faucet, and holding his son close to the running water so the boy could wash his hands. He set the boy back over to the counter. “All good now, partner?”

“All good!” the boy cheered. “Daddy, Daddy, I can do it!”

“Hm? You want to beat the eggs?”

His son nodded eagerly.

“Okay,” Caleb said, handing the boy a pair of chopsticks. He chuckled as his son gripped them firmly in his small fist. “Just like how you usually see me do it. That’s it. Keep going, we want to break all of the yolks and have everything mixed evenly.”

He added in the earlier vegetables he had chopped along with a generous helping of shredded cheese. He urged his son to continue mixing. He could see the toddler was quickly tired out by the task. “Little buddy, permission to take over?”

“Granted!”

“Thank you, sir!” Caleb responded and took the pair of chopsticks from his son. He heated up a frying pan with oil over low heat as he vigorously beat the eggs. Once it was mixed to his liking, Caleb slowly poured the beaten egg mixture into the fry pan, hearing it sizzled gently. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught his son trying to stand up and tutted disapprovingly. “No, buddy. No standing while I’m over here. It will be over soon.”

The boy pouted and sat back down obediently. He still tried to peer and watch his father make their breakfast.

Caleb moved the egg around slowly, letting it cook gently while he turned to place some sandwich slices into a toaster. It wasn’t long before everything came together and he dished everything out onto two plates: one adult-sized and one child plate, shaped like an apple with three divided segments.

They both sat down to eat together and Caleb smiled again as he watched his son happily eat his scrambled eggs and cutup pieces of toast.

“Is it yummy?” he asked, taking a bite of his own.

The boy nodded brightly. “Daddy’s food is always yummy!”

“Well, thank you, buddy,” he quipped. “Much appreciated. What should we have for lunch later then?”

“Daddy’s chicken.”

“And dinner?”

“Chicken…”

Caleb laughed. “2 AM snack?”

“Chicken!”

“I can make so many things,” Caleb said with an amused smile with faux exasperation in his tone, “Don’t you want to try other things, too?”

“Okay, Daddy,” the little boy answered, easily swayed by his father’s persuasion. He added innocently, “But I also like Daddy’s chicken…”

Caleb smiled and leaned over, his cheek nuzzling against his son’s before giving the toddler a quick peck. “I know you do,” he said lightheartedly, continuing with a laugh, “Your mother made me make it for her for six months straight while you were in her tummy.”

The boy smiled, not quite understanding his father’s quip. Instead, he grabbed his father’s face and blew a wet kiss against Caleb’s cheek, giggling nonstop.

“You little rascal,” Caleb said with feigned irritation.

“Who, me?”

“Yes, you.”

The boy smiled back cheekily and Caleb couldn’t help but wondered if he had ever smiled or laughed as much as he seemed to ever since his son was born. His eyes widened a little when his son grabbed his hand, the vast difference in size clear as day.

“Daddy’s my best friend.”

Caleb breathed in quickly before he sighed happily. He smiled back.

“You’re mine, too,” he responded as he leaned over to press a gentle kiss to his son’s temple. “So happy you came into my life, my little co-pilot.”

[crystalclear97]

This year was definetly the best of my life and it could've been the worst about everything but still would be the best for one reason only.

I've always liked paramore but it was with the self titled record when I became obsessed. It was when I realized how much I related to their music, I listened to the album on repeat, I felt so understood and it was so special. And then with after laughter it was like "I can't belive they read my mind, I can't belive they've changed and evolved exactly like me." All those feelings and the way to express them. And again with Hayley's solo albums (ffvd is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard period), and this year with this this is why... The connection I have with this band and specially with Hayley (as a woman struggling with depression and being so open about it) has been crucial to me. At some points of my life, their songs and lyrics were the only thing that gave me some passion and sentiment. Music is very important to me and theirs basically saved my life, as many people say... but it's fucking trueeee!

I've dreamt (literally) so many times about going to their shows and meeting hayley, singing with her... I bought tickets for finally seeing them (well my bf got them, it was an adventure) in Dublin, being from Spain but thinking "just in case they don't come here..." (YES THEY ARE NOT COMING SO THANK YOU MY PAST SELF).

And I mean, I've had a lot of good things in my life this year, and I am very very lucky to have a lot of things and specially a lot of loving people around me and I do appreciate it. BUT. This thing that happened was a literal dream that came true. I cried everyday for the rest of the trip and I still cry sometimes when I remember it. What were the chances of hayley picking ME from that crowd? What were the chances of me hugging the woman that has inspired me with her music so much? I still can't belive it. Maybe for some people is dumb but specially as a sightly su1c1dal person the way this experience gave me hope for my life is incredible.

So thank you hayley for giving me that moment that I'll never forget. I crave to do it again. 2023 will always be the year my dream came true. ❤️

[supernatural-reacts]

Season 14 episode 10

- this is a long recap. Was 14x09 the mid season finale of something?

- this girl looks like Pamela

- “Pamela Barnes” OH IT IS PAMELA OKAY

- I guess this is the dream Michael locked Dean into

- “how come you only want what you can’t have? Besides you don’t want me. You just like to flirt. I’m a psychic so I kinda know.” I have so many Thoughts about this and they all involve Cas

- “this is my dream” THIS IS WHAT HE DESERVED

- oh no

- Michael!Dean interacting with Cas hurts on several different levels

- “we have shifts now because you mess up so, so many things” lmao

- “Crowley’s dead.” I MISS HIM

- is Dean just reliving the same day?

- YES DEAN BREAK OUT OF IT

- Michael be quiet

- SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE JACK ALONE OH MY GOD

- POOR JACK NO

- I like that Maggie is a recurring character now

- “why do you love this world enough to risk your own life?” CANONICALLY THE ANSWER IS BECAUSE OF DEAN

kinda iconic not gonna lie

- Cas why are you listening to Michael you literally just told Jack to not

- oh they’re doing the thing Dean did with Mary

- THE POTENTIAL OF SAM AND CAS BEING IN DEAN’S HEAD MY GOD

- OH MY GOD YOU CAN HEAR THE “you can’t escape me Dean. You’re gonna die. And this- this is what you’re gonna become!” FROM SEASON 3 HOLY FUCK

- “I’d give him something he never had before.” “Contentment.” IM GONNA CRY

- Dean’s dream Pamela kind of flirting with Cas is literally thee most intricate of rituals

- this is saddd I miss Pamela

- “we need you to come back.” CAS SAYING WE NEED YOU TO DEAN IS ACTUALLY SOMETHING THAT CAN BE SO PERSONAL

- “you only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him. Because he gripped you right and raised you from perdition or whatever. But since then what has he done? Only made mistakes. One after the other.”

- oh no Dean

- JACK WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOURE GONNA BURN YOUR SOUL AWAY

- “I’m the cage.” I like that line

- Cas and Jack talking is so 🥺 their relationship is so good

- “it won’t happen again” 🎶 I know that’s not trueeee🎵

- Dean staring into the mirror and saying “it’s just you” while Michael bangs on the door in his head is very weirdly powerful I’m feeling emotions

- BILLIE!!!

- “all of them. Except one.” okay Doctor Strange lmao

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 249: Todoroki Taco Night

Previously on BnHA: Nothing happened at all, because the manga was on break last week! Fortunately the anime had finally resumed after a billion years (estimation; exact length of time may be slightly off), so we had that to take the edge off in the meantime. Except we didn’t, because the anime also ended up going on break due to a rugby game or some shit. So that was nice. On a related note, when I die I’d like the Basement arc to lower me into my grave, so it can let me down one last time.

Anyway, Endeavor did some mentoring and gave Shouto and Kacchan a power-up assignment and told Deku to work on Air Force to help him master the fine control he needs for the Bloop. Then Fuyu called a week later and was all “HEY DAD, DINNER, OUR PLACE, TONIGHT, BRING THE KIDS.” And then as previously mentioned, we waited two whole fucking weeks and MY GOD, my body is ready, on to the new chapter we go!

Today on BnHA: Shouto, Katsuki, and Deku are cordially invited to Todosmith Farms for an evening of food and fun! They make it approximately six minutes into dinner before Natsu loses it and exits with more theatrics than a spurned reality TV show contestant. Baku and Deku spend the next hour being all “!!!” at each other back and forth, and whispering about how fucking dramatic the Todorokis are, which fully kills me and is my favorite thing ever to happen in the world. Deku then begins to guide Shouto through his personal healing process like fucking Mufasa booming at Simba from the heavens, and meanwhile Endeavor listens in while quietly kneeling before HIS DEAD SON’S PHOTOGRAPH, IN THE SHRINE THEY BUILT FOR SAID DEAD SON IN HIS BEDROOM, and sorrowfully wishing he could do more for his family. Anyways so I’m in ruins now, but otherwise fine. How are you?

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity afterward, and added a few ETAs in the process, but aside from that there are no changes.)

well it’s Thursday morning, and I have just seen the picture of baby white-haired Touya because no one in this fandom knows how to fucking spoiler tag (and that’s on me too for browsing the BnHA tag on a Thursday; I know better, but I was just curious how this new group chat thing was working out), so here are my immediate thoughts

we never actually confirmed that the hair color correlates to their powers, huh. we just assumed. but come to think, there’s no reason why someone couldn’t have mom’s hair but dad’s quirk. it’s all Shouto’s fault for being a perfect 50/50 split and thus making everyone assume that THAT’S JUST HOW IT WORKS. damn you Shouto and your dramatic character design

anyways I tried not to look at the pic for too long -- once I realized what I was looking at, I averted my eyes -- but he does look like Dabi, I think. oh shit guys. it’s really fucking happening

and I also didn’t get a good enough look to determine whether this was a photo of Touya (that Deku or whoever happened to spot while visiting the Todochester Mystery House for the much-hyped dinner) or a flashback image (in which he is just standing really fucking still for some reason and staring directly at the camera), so I guess we’ll see. but anyways, Deku and Kacchan didn’t come all the way down to Todoroki taco night to not have their evening peppered with intricate family drama and reopened wounds and hysterical conspiracy theories, so you had better keep them goddamn entertained! lord knows the Todorokis don’t do small talk. this is literally their only way of spicing things up so their guests don’t die of sheer awkwardness while Endeavor sits in stony silence and Shouto just stuffs his face with soba all night

also aren’t we due some popularity poll results soon? just getting in all my random thoughts now before we dive in. anyways Horikoshi, so you know what I want to see now and you better deliver

aaaand now it’s Friday! so Happy Birthday Aizawa, and LET’S GET TO THAT CHAPTER

and we’re opening with Endeavor’s Redemption Arc: The Page. omg

holy fucking shit BnHA. you sure do have a way of making me wait WITH BATED BREATH!! FOR TWO WEEKS!!! ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT!!!! for the new fucking chapter only to have me immediately suck in a deep breath through my teeth and seriously reconsider whether I am in any way emotionally prepared to handle this. “you think you know what you want?!” Horikoshi demands. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA.” sob it’s trueeee

okay. okay. we can do this. hell, if we made it through Tomura’s flashbacks then this should be child’s play. so all right, let’s go

-- oh wait, but before I click to the next page, I just want to note that Endeavor isn’t the only one who’s nowhere to be found in this pic, though! boy you have three sons. uno dos tres

“the hellish Todoroki residence” lmao this legitimately sounds like the title of a Buzzfeed Unsolved episode

ARE YOU TELLING ME ENDEAVOR PROVIDES LUXURY APARTMENTS FOR ALL HIS FUCKING EMPLOYEES OMFG

SO MY THREE SONS HAVE ALL BEEN ROOMING TOGETHER UNDER ENDEAVOR’S ROOF!? THE FANFIC ENDEAVOR AGENCY RESIDENCES?! WHAT KIND OF OT3 SHENANIGANS HAVE BEEN ABOUNDING THIS PAST WEEK OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS LIKE A DREAM

OH MY GOD

okay I have like... ten different notes I want to make about Katsuki and I don’t know where to start SO I’LL JUST START SOMEWHERE!

I’ve legit wanted to see how he would look with his mask pushed up into his hair like a headband for the longest fucking time (I don’t know why! I just wanted to see it!) so this. is. Christmas for me omg. if only he wasn’t making one of his (◣д◢) faces and was instead making a normal face. but that’s probably too much to ask of him at THE CRACK OF DAWN, which brings me to my next point,

I thought he was a morning person?? [furiously checking headcanon notes] kid you go to bed at 8pm. you have your full eight hours by four in the fucking morning. and the full nine and a half hours that GROWING BOYS ACTUALLY NEED by 5:30am, which is when I always assumed you typically woke up in order to get in your morning workout and BEAST IT UP IN THE PIT or whatever gym people do. yet here you are, half dead, while Deku and Burnin’ are raring to go. were you just burning the midnight oil and that’s why you’re grumpy? WAS IT THE FANFIC AGENCY RESIDENCES SHENANIGANS, OH MY GOD I CAN’T

lastly, look at that unzipped collar. why is it that the more disheveled he looks the more I want to pile him up in a headlock and give him noogies. I love him so fucking much, this is ridiculous, he was only gone for two weeks but it felt like SEVENTEEN YEARS anyway

so Burnin’ is all “catch any villains faster than Endeavor yet, LOL, LIKE THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN!!” and they’ve been putting up with this trolling for a fucking week now huh. no wonder Katsuki’s ready to pack it in and sleep for the next year

motherfucker holy shit

sure thing coach. Todoroki Shouto out here ready for the morning huddle. BRING IT IN! ONE TWO THREE PLUS ULTRA

meanwhile Katsuki better keep his hair like that for the rest of the arc now. the collar too. I am living for this

what is Shouto doing with his hands

are you blowing a kiss. or beckoning toward her like Neo in the Matrix. are you channeling your inner Iida. wtf is this

this one panel perfectly encapsulates everything I love about this OT3 dynamic oh my god

Katsuki screaming at Todoroki that he’s better than him (based on impeccable, flawless logic). Shouto completely disregarding this and calmly continuing to have a normal conversation at a normal person volume. and Deku ignoring them both while sending the chipperest, most positive energy in the world out toward this other person because he loves everyone!!

and now there’s three closeups of the boys showing how worn out they are

they’ve been working so hard I’m so proud of them and also they totally deserve a night off to go gorge themselves on soba at Toderly Manor

and then there’s a whole nother page continuing to establish that it has been a week! and they’re working hard! and YES, WE KNOW, though

yep yep yep we get it now WHAT ABOUT THAT DINNER oh my god. it’s been four pages! and if we’re only getting thirteen again then this is precious real estate we’re just wasting here, come onnnnn

so Endeavor is continuing to show off how great he is while the kids look on in frustration

heh but I like this panel because LOOK AT THEM

ALL THREE OF THEM CAN FLY (basically). I love it. yes. just let them be airborne for the rest of the series

meanwhile Endeavor’s thinking agitated thoughts about how Fuyu wants him to try and CONNECT TO THE CHILDREN ON AN ACTUAL EMOTIONAL LEVEL, like what do you think he is?? a human being??!

lol he’s got that look like “WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL ME NOW AND BE DONE WITH IT.” things he would rather do than have a family dinner with his kids and his two new apprentices: literally. anything. else. ah, but Endeavor. no one said the path of Not Being A Bastard would be easy

he’s thinking about how happy Fuyu sounded on the phone, though. “the thought of us finally becoming a real family...” c’mon Enji you can’t just let your only daughter down like that

and also me. you better not fucking let me down. I was promised dinner at Todoton Abbey and DAMN IT THIS IS HAPPENING

lol he’s getting all fired up and the kids are just mindlessly yelling back like “FUCK YEAH”

even the guy in the background’s like “YEAHHHHHHH LET’S DO ITTT.” the best part is how not a single one of them has any clue what they are loudly agreeing to

OH MY GOD

TODOLAND RANCH, AT LONG LAST. YESSSSS

lmao Kacchan

“it’s not too late!” he is so desperate, bless him. all he wanted was to curl up in his room with a bowl of spicy ramen after a long day and watch old All Might clips on Youtube while blissfully not interacting with a single other soul. and now instead they’ve dragged him to fucking Todo-a-Lago for dinner with his boss, his two best friends who he hates, and SOMEONE’S SISTER. what a nightmare

FUYUMIIIIII

worst part is, I don’t think Kacchan will be able to resist Fuyu’s Kind Elementary School Teacher Energy at all. he’s totally screwed. -- OH MY GOD, IS HE HIDING

like, I know this is the Todoroki drama chapter and that’s where my focus should be, and I’M SORRY, but you guys all know what you signed up for by this point, right? you can read a million other Todo hot takes on tumblr today, but this will forever be the blog that spends paragraphs and paragraphs obsessing over Kacchan hiding behind the door frame and sulking and asking “why though?” in increasingly petulant tones like a four-year-old because SOMEONE DRAGGED HIM TO A SOCIAL EVENT and this is his personal hell! Fuyu’s gonna end up having to manually feed him chicken like Satou did at the party

meanwhile now that I’m actually READING THE REST OF THE PANEL LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, I have to pause for a moment to let my heart break over Deku saying that he hardly ever gets invited over by friends. hey Deku come here for a moment, I just have to give you a dozen hugs real quick and then you can continue as you were

anyway so guys I literally owe Todoroki Fuyumi my life and I want to send her flowers with a “THANKS FOR SAVING THE MANGA” card but it’ll have to wait until the chapter is done. let’s continue

NATSU’S HERE TOO, SHOUTO SAW HIS SHOES, OH M Y GO D

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(ETA: shout out to Natsu for wearing the greatest shirt of all time and taking Deku’s rookie-tier gags to THE NEXT LEVEL!)

I LOVE EVERYTHING. I’M SOBBING. BLESS YOU HORIKOSHI. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!

holy shit Deku

Alton fucking Brown over here. chill my dude

NATSU BRINGING THAT DRAMA YESSSS

and look how oblivious Deku is to the general vibe settling in here

what the fuck do you see. you just literally had no idea how else to respond to that, huh

oh my god oh my fucking god

(ETA: I’m laughing so hard and I’ll explain in the tags. sob.)

guys let me just break down these two panels for you

1. Fuyu is all “NATSU YOU COOKED TOO”

2. Shouto is all “WTF, I ATE NATSU FOOD AND NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME”

3. Natsu is all “YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T BECAUSE... THAT MAN PROBABLY WOULDN’T ALLOW IT”

how the fuck is there drama brewing over the fucking cooking. this fucking family. and Shouto’s face is two seconds away from being my new icon omg

LMAO

SO YOU TWO FINALLY FUCKING CONNED ON TO THE DANGEROUS SITUATION YOU’VE FOUND YOURSELVES IN, HUH. that’s right bitches. welcome to Todo’s Landing

and now Fuyu has finally made a FATAL ERROR IN JUDGEMENT oh no. that error being trying to fall back on Shouto of all people to ease the awkward tension. that boy literally is made up of awkward tension. right down to his atoms. Fuyu what were you thinking??

FUYUMI: [SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE] “SHOUTO WHAT KIND OF FOOD DO YOU EAT AT SCHOOL!!!!”

SHOUTO: [LEAPING TO HIS FEET] “AT THE CAFETERIA!!!!”

someone help me I’m fucking dying. actually, you know what, help them

“yo Deku, do you wanna get the fuck out of here right now.” “yes, yes I do.” turns out, they didn’t really need that internship anyway. maybe they can still convince the centipede man to take them instead

holy shit

like, I feel so bad for him, but also Fuyu looks so fucking sad and I can’t?? this is too much, and things haven’t even gotten spicy yet. this arc is going to leave me a wreck

DSFKSLDFJLK

“it’s okay,” Horikoshi says comfortingly, “here’s a panel of your two good boys helping clean up.” WELL THANK YOU, EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT, I’M GOING TO GO SIT. and think about Katsuki being a fucking gentleman whose momma raised him right and who helps clean up the dishes after being invited over for dinner. never mind that he didn’t even help clean up the Christmas party. but he saw Fuyu being sad and immediately went MY GOD, I’VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP THIS STUPIDLY NICE LADY

anyway so are you two going to ask Endeavor why his kids hate him so fucking much. or just ignore it because you pretty much know the gist already because Shouto can’t keep a lid closed on anything

OH MY GOD THEY’RE HAVING A SECRET CONVERSATION ABOUT IT

FFFFFFFdfsLK -- “YOU GUYS WERE TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NEXT TO ME, ON ACCOUNT OF I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE, IN THE SHADOWS, BECAUSE I WAS EAVESDROPPING, SHUT UP”

anyways so did you guys know that Deku and Kacchan having whispered conversations about how dramatic the fucking Todorokis are is my all-time aesthetic. I didn’t know either actually. but it is

Fuyu why are you apologizing to Shouto for making him help clean up

AND WHY ARE YOU PERSISTING IN MAKING THAT FACE. SON OF A BITCH. GIRL I’M BRINGING YOU SOME ICE CREAM AND SOME DVDS. WE’RE GONNA HAVE A SLEEPOVER AND FORGET ALL ABOUT THIS SHIT. PLEASE FEEL BETTER. I’M SORRY YOUR TWIN BROTHER IS DEAD AND YOUR WISH TO HAVE A NORMAL FAMILY IS NEVER GOING TO FUCKING COME TRUE BECAUSE WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS OMG

oh my god she’s having a heart to heart with Shouto about how he feels about Endeavor. oh my god I see Horikoshi aiming a bow right at my fucking heart. he’s notching the fucking arrow, this is it, it’s been real you guys

that look in his one visible eye. god. there it is. oh god. hurts

(ETA: do you suppose all of the Todorokis have secretly had that exact same dream. we know Fuyu has, and Rei as well based on her letter. I’m starting to think that Shouto has too. it only makes sense that a boy who was denied a real childhood for the first fifteen years of his life is going to have some part of him that secretly longs to just have a normal family. in related news, Shouto had better get some fucking hugs in this arc!)

-- ARE YOU SERIOUS

WHAT IS IT WITH HORIKOSHI LATELY AND BEING DONE WITH JUST IMPLYING THINGS AND NOW VERY INTO SHOWING THEM IN EXPLICIT HORRIFYING DETAIL. HERE’S A DEAD DOG! HERE’S A DYING CHILD! HERE’S A SIX-YEAR-OLD WHOSE MOM JUST POURED SCALDING WATER ON HIS FUCKING FACE AND SHE DIDN’T MEAN TO BUT IT’S TOO LATE AND NOW THEY’RE BOTH TRAUMATIZED. AND SHE’S USING HER QUIRK TO HEAL HIM AND HELLO, THIS ONE PANEL IS ABOUT TO MAKE ME START CRYING. KATSUKI YOU WERE RIGHT. WHY, THOUGH

(ETA: yeah this does not bode well for an upcoming flashback in which a child was presumably burned the fuck alive. feels like Horikoshi was testing the waters to see how much he could get away with. we may be in for some brutal shit pretty shortly.)

OH MY GOD A LETTER

they’re going to discharge her soon!?? IMMINENT FEELINGS INBOUND. I HAVE NO MORE SPACE TO PUT THEM!! MY HOUSE IS PACKED WITH FUCKING FEELINGS ALREADY, PLEASE

ahhhh he says he doesn’t know

this is the most realistic fucking thing I’ve read in this manga to this date. not knowing how you feel about the abusive parent who did so much harm but is now trying to change. boyyyyy howdy I feel that in my fucking bones. Horikoshi is out there delivering the real shit. goddamn

KATSUKI MY HERO

it’s as though Horikoshi placed his hands on his shoulders and said “listen up sonny boy, I’ve got an important job that only you can do. defuse this tension. in any way you can.” and Katsuki looked him dead in the eye and said “I got this”

meanwhile Deku’s hoping he can spontaneously develop another new quirk which will open up a hole in the ground to swallow him up

DEKU: “I HAD PERMISSION!!!” KACCHAN: “I DIDN’T HAVE SHIT!!”

HE IS BITCHING LIKE A DISGRUNTLED HOUSEWIFE HOLY SHIT I’M LOSING MY MIND

“A NORMAL, PLEASANT EVENING!!” yes of course, that’s why you spent the entire ride over here clinging to Todoroki’s shirt and repeating “WHY” ad infinitum. anyways as usual this child is a nightmare whose fickle tirades absolutely no one deserves to be subjected to, god bless him and I adore him so

and Deku is again apologizing for him like they’re fucking married. this chapter is filled with so many highs and lows for me, it’s wild

this, to be clear, is one of the highs. god I love it

oh shit it looks like Deku’s getting ready to say something! SOMETHING WISE, I BET

YESSSSSSS

IS HE?? sometimes this kid can just peer into other people’s souls with perfect clarity, it’s uncanny

oh my god Shouto’s face

genuine shock. he doesn’t even know how he feels, but somehow Deku is able to cut right to the heart of it

oh my god Katsuki’s there to chime right in too and say “but if you feel like he doesn’t deserve forgiveness that’s fucking fine too”

this is actually incredibly fucking supportive? anyway so guys have I mentioned within the last five seconds how much I love Bakugou fucking Katsuki. I have? well that’s okay I’ll just say it again anyway. and also I love Deku and Shouto too oh my god. bless this chapter

oh lol nevermind that still Deku talking while Katsuki is just making faces. well he’s doing his best. anyways so like I said I love Midoriya fucking Izuku

(ETA: [chinhands] do you guys think. that perhaps. Midoriya Izuku might be harboring some unresolved feelings regarding his own absent daddo. maybe. ??? why does this chapter have so many layers??)

ah I see, Katsuki spied Natsu just STANDING THERE LISTENING IN THE DARK, as one does, and that’s why the face

and also YES, Shouto is like the kindest fucking person in the whole series possibly. thank you for acknowledging that?? I’m in the process of arranging all of these new feels into a comfy little pile now, so maybe I can curl up in them. if Horikoshi insists on delivering more and more

SLDKFJSLDKFLSHGLKJKLJSLGKJSDLFKSDLFKJLSDKJFLKSL

“THE OTHER CHILD WHO’S NO LONGER THERE” RED ALERT, RED FUCKING ALERT, IT’S REALLY HAPPENING, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. REMINDER TO SELF, NEXT THURSDAY I’M GONNA HAVE TO GO ON A SELF-IMPOSED INTERNET HIATUS FOR TWENTY-FOUR HOURS BECAUSE FANDOM’S GOING TO LOSE THEIR FUCKING SHIT WITH THE SPOILERS NEXT WEEK AND I’M NOT EVEN MAD

sdfhk. oh my god. and so it was a photograph! but one which appears to be a segue into a flashback! and the law of escalating tragic flashbacks states that Touya’s is somehow going to be even more horrific than our last flashback, in which, let me just think back for a sec, oh yes, an entire family was massacred and torn into bloody chunks including a six-year-old girl and a dog, and the surviving child was then adopted by a psychopath who adorned him with severed hands and was all “NEVER FORGET HOW FUCKED UP YOU FEEL ABOUT ALL THIS” and then the child murdered some people to feel better about himself. so this is somehow going to be worse than that. well that’s just. ...I don’t even know. I literally can’t think of a lighthearted way to end that train of thought lmao. WE ARE FUCKING SCREWED. get ready to burn, baby

but meanwhile, parting thoughts

so they really do believe he’s dead. that’s confirmed. and he died (or, well, “died”) young, too, based on this picture and on the toys on that shelf. fffff

Endeavor kneeling at a family shrine to pay respects to his dead son and miserably wishing he was still alive is just. repeated stabbings of my already mutilated heart. thanks. thanks for that

he heard EVERYTHING and he’s saying nothing, because what can he say?? I meanwhile have already said “oh my god” about 1600 times in this recap, but I’ll go ahead and say it again anyway one last time because oh my god, the fucking Todofam AND THEIR FUCKING DRAMA!!!

what can I do for my family at this stage? the last plea of a desperate man struggling to make amends and piece together something he’s already shattered into a million pieces. he keeps dreaming of them being happy together, even if he’s not in the dream. he wants to do right by them, finally. but he doesn’t know how. anyways so people have been saying and saying that this arc so far has been death flag after death flag for this old coot, and you know what, they’re fucking right. this does not have a happy ending. this is going to be fucking devastating. and here I am, fully obsessed with it. fuck me

anyways I guess that’s finally everything I can think of to say. this recap is already a million fucking words so that’s fine lol. why though

[lorelaisgilmoresarchive-blog]

- ̗̀ ❝ i solemnly swear i am up to no good: marauders verse !!

           *evil laughter* my dreaaaam has finally come trueeee!! my time to shine has come, and my harry potter knowledge will finally be appreciated? too much? probably but idc i’m excited ya’ll!!, but anyway let’s talk characters, my kids below the cut!!

alice fortescue..* 

full name: alice minerva fortescue

blood status: pure-blood 

house & year : gryffindor ;; 7th year

wand: 10 ½ in. applewood wand with a dragon heartstring core ; unyielding

patronus: dolphin ;; the witch or wizard who casts this patronus is known to be adventurous, playful, and carefree ; incredibly unique individuals, quite often social and loved by most. inquisitive and full of life they understand the importance of not taking themselves too seriously.

boggart: spiders, she absolutely loathes them one of her worst fears is to end up in a place surrounded by them. ( she’s had dreams where she is covered in them and that’s driven her to have panic attacks. )

extra curriculars: chaser for the gryffindor quidditch team ;; dueling club, care of magical creatures club and astronomy club.

future aspirations: auror for the ministry of magic & member of the order of the phoenix

sunshine personified, miss alice is literally always putting a positive spin on everything. little witch looks for the best in everyone and would befriend a scorpion if people let her. however that’s the trick when it comes to alice, she may be soft and gooey on the outside but she’s a rock on the inside. underestimating her is probably the last thing anyone should ever do. she lives in diagon alley above florean fortescue’s which is the family business. her dad is the willy wonka of ice-cream ( u know eccentric genius type lmao. ) she has 3 older brothers, all part of the order and her mom is a healer at st.mungos. excluded from the sacred 28 bc they unconventional and v. vocal about their support for muggles and muggle borns. in fact alice loves muggle fairy-tales and she tried making a book club at hogwarts but she forgot when the meetings were lmao. ( i could go on i’ve played her so many times and i adore her so pls )

andromeda black... *

full name: andromeda black

blood status: pure-blood

wand: 10 3/4 inch hawthorn wand with a unicorn hair core, unbending. 

house & year : slytherin ;; 6th year

patronus: owl ;; symbolizes a strong aura of wisdom, and individuals with it shine intellectually. They are not very social people, but they tend to be very admired for the impression their blatant knowledge of the world. Others tend to be comfortable going to these persons for advice, because they know they are trustworthy.

boggart: her sisters forgetting who she is, aka seeing a boggart version of bella or cissy who refuse to acknowledge her or ask her who she is will send her into a spiral. 

extra curriculars: 6th year prefect for slytherin house, slug club & transfigurations club

future aspirations: healer for st. mungos. wishes to remain neutral in the war to come. 

from the most ancient house of black, andromeda is the 2nd and middle child she has an older sister and a younger one. her sisters are her entire life, bella and cissy are her world so literally don’t breathe near them she will end you. tends to be an observer more than she is someone who carries out conversations. very much one of those ‘ one word ‘ sort of people, unless she’s with someone she trusts. she appears rigid and can intimidate those who don’t know her. however once you get past her tough exterior she is incredibly kind. respectful of everyone, and very much a believer of treat me the way you want to be treated. now while she isn’t exactly a fan of muggles or muggleborns she isn’t against them? ( tbh someone pick up ted we can plot stuffs. ) like she’s not okay with the cruelty that people of her status show them but she is also bound by tradition. she is very loyal to her family, respects her parents and most importantly wishes to make them proud so it’s like a constant struggle for her? because a lady should be demure and un-opinionated and those are things andromeda black won’t ever be.

james potter...*

full name: james charlus potter

blood status: pure-blood

wand: 11" with a dragon heart string core, mahogany, pliable

house & year : gryffindor ;; 7th year

patronus: stag ;; the witch or wizard who casts this patronus is known to be noble and brave. strong temperament, came come across as intimidating in more than several instances. quick to defend those he cares about, a protector of formidable sorts. 

boggart: the deaths of the people he cares about in particular it would be his parents, sirius, remus, peter and while he’ll never admit it... lily.

extra curriculars: head boy and quidditch captain for the gryffindor team he is a chaser. part of the dueling club and transfigurations club. turned down slughorns invitation for the slug club bc he’s not a git.

future aspirations: in a perfect world he’d be a quidditch player, but they are at war so auror it is. has joined the member of the phoenix.

adored from the moment he was conceived, his parents are of the older generation and they struggled to have children so james is very much a miracle baby. that’s why he’s so spoiled, literally anything he could ever want he’s had. so he’s been the golden boy since birth practically... so why would hogwarts be different? he’s the epitome of ‘ cool ‘ along with his best friends the marauders, sirius, remus and peter. he is an unregistered animagus and can turn into a stag ( the same as his patronus ) a hot head, he will literally throw a punch and then remember he owns a wand it’s a problem. cares little to nothing about purity and will fight anyone who deems it important. arrogant, but very noble and he can inspire loyalty in more ways than one. but also he’s an idiot show off, as much as he’s a ‘ genius ‘ when it comes to classes he don’t know women... aka he doesn’t understand evans... he tryin tho lmao.

alecto carrow...*

full name: alecto carrow

blood status: pure-blood

wand: 11 inch, blacktorn wand with a dragon heart string core, unyielding 

house & year : ravenclaw ;; 7th year

patronus: she can’t produce one, a patronus is light magic aka not stuff she believes in.

boggart: the death of her twin brother.

extra curriculars: dueling & slug club

future aspirations: hit witch and hopes to find her spot within voldemort’s rank as a death eater.

cruel, vindictive but smart. incredibly smart, she has a thirst for knowledge hint as to why she was sorted into ravenclaw house. ( bc not all death eaters were slytherins damn it ) independent and fierce, you’ve heard of an ‘ ice queen ‘ that’s alecto, always in control... emotions are for the weak minded. except where her brother is concerned, her twin brother is an extension of herself so as a true narcissist she has to love him because he is a part of her. she doesn’t have the best reputation around the castle and would probably kill your pet and hang it up in the great hall for everyone to see... simply because you spoke to her and she considers you unworthy. no conscience or apathy just pride and a lot of zeal for the pure blood supremacy cause. she is attracted to the dark arts, to pain and misery and she isn’t shy about letting anyone know that. 

remus lupin..*

full name: remus john lupin

blood status: half - blood, werewolf.

wand: 10¼ inch cypress, with a unicorn hair core, pliable

house & year : gryffindor ;; 7th year

patronus: wolf ;; The wolf is a bit of a darker and mysterious soul, with the strength of a fighter. A person with this patronus has had a lot happen in their life, and do to that they wear a mask over their emotions. They do, however, have a very big heart that is full of both passion and fire. They have a lot of emotion within them that they are willing to give, but only once they completely trust you.

boggart: the full moon, for v. obvious reasons.

extra curriculars: 7th year prefect, dueling & charms club

future aspirations: outside of joining the order, he doesn’t let himself dream of a job because his kind aren’t hired anywhere... bc you know discrimination. 

he was attacked by fenrir greyback to take some kind of revenge, after his father insulted him. aka he suffers from lycanthrophy. this would have made it impossible for him to come to hogwarts but dumbledore disagreed. so precautions are set in place, the whomping willow, the shrieking shack will get it’s reputation because of remus. ( it’s a secret, so there aren’t many people who know. in fact it’s only james, sirius, peter and lily. )  this is where he was taken to transform once month, and turning is painful especially because he is separated from humans to bite so he’d bite and scratch at himself because of frustration. anyway that didn’t exactly matter much because he has friends, real friends. he didn’t have them until he came to hogwarts and he was terrified that they’d find out the truth... but you know once they did they all decided to become an animagus... and thus begin the adventures of the marauders. remus is a good student, he’s talented and well behaved sort of.... at least he behaves better than james and sirius. dumbledore made him a prefect in his 5th year and they think it’s so he’d exercise some control over his friends. spoiler: he doesn’t. 

[mahaliciously]

Atlantis

Rejoice children, for I have finally contributed to the Overwatch fandom with something other than memes.

I’m also choosing to contribute under the flag of my favourite pairing, sadly a rare one, but it’s okay because content is made to be created and I just loved every second of writing this thing!!

It unexpectedly turned out much longer than the initial headcanon suggested, but it’s definitely for the best since it constituted a solid character study for me that’ll help me for my future writings :D

SPECIAL KUDOS TO THE ANON WHO ASKED ME AFTER THE ONESHOT HERE IT IS AND TO THE LOVELY @xallyxcatxs​, @tart276​ and @gngu​ FOR THEIR NEVERENDING SUPPORT AND KETTLE NOISES LMAO

burn in cybun hell

And of course, special thanks to @b3tar3ad3r for the beta :D I recommend going to them in case you need help!

IF YOU LIKED THE ONESHOT, DON’T FORGET TO SUPPORT IT BY REBLOGGING IT OR BY CHECKING MY AO3, IT’S UP THERE AS WELL! O/

archiveofourown: click here!

Word count : 8915

She wouldn’t have been able to tell when her heart had started to ache at the thought of him, or when she’d started to miss her shots when she’d hear him laugh through the voice chat. Wouldn’t have been able to pinpoint the exact moment the stories he told her about his love conquests had started to sting, or when she’d stopped making fun of the girls he’d had wrapped around his fingers like rings.

‘yo d.va when u gonna invite genji and lucio again on one of ur streams??’

Hana Song briefly glanced at the Twitch chat before taking down an enemy to her left, swallowing a curse.

‘so trueeee,’ another message chanted. ‘genji was so cute i love his voice’

‘how about lucio? dat dude is a human puppy lmao’

‘rofl’

The chat box was hectic, messages piling up at an incredible speed, english and korean weaving all over the screen. It didn’t bother Hana who was used to the fraction of a second she had to keep up with the fleeting topics and requests. Her bubble gum popped as she eliminated another enemy with a headshot and she readjusted her camera.

“Aww look at this,” she chimed teasingly. “I used to like Lucio and Genji but it does seem like they’re causing my own fanbase to neglect me now.”

The chat exploded with new messages and she smiled for the camera. Inside, she was pretty much crumbling.

She had organised that last-minute stream in hopes to keep her mind off her budding crush and the existential crisis that had come along with it. Instead, her fans had been spamming her for more content with her friends, and by extension, with the one person she was trying to distract herself from.

She almost felt like sighing, though she knew the camera and the attentive eyes that were watching her wouldn’t miss it. She glanced again at the chat box.

‘just genji x d.va gameplay tbh he’s got some dope skills i want to see competition between them’

Her heart jolted in her chest and she missed. The split second was enough to take her down. The camera switched to the kill cam, a flashy crimson message announcing her death as she popped another gum bubble. She almost winced at the ridiculous come and go her character had made that caused its death killed. She’d hesitated.

It was over for her and she didn’t feel like spectating the rest of the game, so she reported her full attention to the chat. What was this ridiculous suggestion to stay in a room alone with Genji Shimada and play videogames until she died of a heart attack?

Impossible.

But it annoyed her more than it embarrassed her. Or maybe a bit of both.

Because she could have organised that a few weeks ago. She could have invited him over platonically, wrecked his ass and watched her entire fanbase cheer for her. Just like she would have invited Lucio today.

But now she couldn’t.

She wouldn’t have been able to tell when her behaviour had changed, but she could guess the trigger. Maybe that one drunk night they’d spent playing a certain dumb fps game was at cause. Maybe finding her intoxicated self on top of him was the reason she couldn’t stare at him anymore without thinking “I want to spend more time this close to him” and “He’s actually pretty cute”. Maybe that was karma getting back at her for all the girls she’d made fun of.

“Alright,” she announced to the camera, waving. “Sounds like that’s gonna be all for today! Stay cool buns, until next time... Love, D.va!”

She grinned, smile as practiced as it could be, fingers into her signature V right before she turned off her camera with her other hand. She only breathed then.

There was no way in hell she could allow herself to fall for the 24-year-old ninja.

Genji Shimada, playboy extraordinaire, was not the kind of guy she’d let herself be involved with romantically. He was one of her closest friends, too precious to lose over a crush, and her ego would never let her drop to the level of the many girls who pooled at his feet. They had a precise friendship that revolved around platonic, shameless flirting and the certainty that she was the girl he’d never have, he the guy who’d never pursue her. It was but a constant verbal sparring that rhythmed their every interaction. Sass against sass. The very origin of their friendship. Their daily dose of challenge.

Truth be told, he was a lot of great things. He was handsome, even with that ridiculous dyed hair of his, funny, a bit of an asshole but caring still, and he was amazing to hang out with. Along with Lucio, they consisted of a great trio.

Genji was the kind arrogant, Lucio the resident puppy, always happy and idealistic, supporting but probably with one of the greatest senses of humour she’d seen in years, and she was the diva, the princess. All three of them were pretty much a walking disaster. Their brains together only amounted to ridiculous ideas like using Lucio’s speed boost to race on a frozen lake and crash into the snow at the speed of fast, or making fidget spinners out of Genji’s shuriken. They’d gotten a bunch of bruises, but a lot of outweighing laughs and she cherished those two idiots more than she’d care to admit.

Becoming close friends with Genji irremediably led to discover that beyond the playboy reputation and the biting sarcasm, he was a loyal friend. He was boastful, barely ever serious. He was terribly friendly, making everyone at ease in matters of seconds, breaking down fights with a couple of jokes any chance he got. She suspected that was a safe reason that led the girls to run to him in bunches. He was quite like the sun. Summer-like. That, and there was his catastrophic flirting.

He was smooth, she’d concede. But ask her secondhand observer side and she could think of a bunch of hilarious pearls she’d teased him with over the years.

But he wasn’t a sun. Or maybe his rays shone so bright they blinded people and kept them from seeing the deep cracks he bore. Just like any human being. She knew that sometimes he liked to sit on his own because being so social exhausted him, she knew that his gaze got lost more often than he’d like to admit, lost in a whirlwind of doubts he bragged about not having. Like if he’d hurt someone with his raw, spontaneous humour, or if he could have done things better.

She knew he dreamed of travels and adventures, knew that he scolded himself for knowing his flaws but never fixing them. He was a child guilty of acting like a child.

And though she didn’t have the same issues as him, she understood them.

But what had definitely moved her was the intensity of his gaze on that night. There had only been the flashing lights of her screens, sculpting his features, maybe dotting his black eyes as he looked up at her. His cheeks had been almost as red as hers from the alcohol, indicative of the obvious drunkenness of her friend. But it shouldn’t have been weird seeing how they’d played drunk a bunch of times before. Definitely shouldn’t have. She’d been laughing, they may have been playing that game where he holds her wrists and she has to push him back because she was a very strong lady. And she’d been. He had still been holding her wrists in his hands, her own chestnut hair framing his face as she looked down at him. His gaze hadn’t been really focused, hazed by the liquor’s effect, but it had never left hers until he’d pulled her to him and his arms had slithered around her petite figure, wrapping themselves around her. It had taken her a moment to realise he was hugging her.

She’d felt his chest against her face, rising and dropping steadily, smelled his woody perfume mixed with sweat and booze and it should have felt familiar. There had been something in the beating of his heart against her ear though, and she’d loved the warmth of his arms, the little drum of his fingers against the small of her back before he’d said:

“I love you.”

Hana groaned at the memory, shaking her head to snap herself back to reality. It hadn’t meant anything. It had been a platonic confession. The kind they threw at each other to joke around, or to really appreciate each other as friends. Because love was way more than the eros and the grand amour. It was something she firmly believed should be told more without any over calculation.

But in the dim light of her room that night, tangled in a messy hug with her friend, lulled by his breathing and the buzz of her console, her heart had fluttered before she’d fallen asleep, and it had been her biggest mistake.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the 8-bit ringtone of her phone and a familiar contact picture lighting up the rectangular screen of the device.

“Hey there, frogman,” she picked up, trying to sound as enthusiastic as humanly possible.

She could feel Lucio roll his eyes before he even spoke. “It’s Mr. Frogman thank you very much.”

“Sure, frogman,” she replied, teasing. “What’s up?”

“Eh well, the usual,” the musician chuckled. “Just wondering if you have any time to kill with Genj and I?”

Once again, she hesitated. It wasn’t like her, but the bubble of unease that was growing in her chest was distracting her coherent thoughts. She opened her mouth, hoping that it would help her brain form a faster sentence, but she couldn’t decide whether to say yes or no. She knew that Lucio wouldn’t press if she refused, and she was afraid to be disappointed at the beep of her phone when he’d hang up.

She bit her lip. “I don’t really know… I could but probably not for long.”

“Feeling sick?”

“Not really, just meh,” she said with a humourless puff, chewing on her gum.

“Huh,” Lucio acquiesced. “Well we’ll get you better. Healing beats by yours truly and all.”

She really laughed this time. A small, but genuine laugh that cheered her up instantly.

“Okay fine, I’ll see you in 20.”

Swiftly, she jumped into her trainers and grabbed her headphones. That along with her phone and portable console were all she needed in her sweatshirt’s pockets to exit the flat and head towards their usual spot, the arcade square.

The weather was fairly nice for an autumn day. She’d grown used to the occasional chill and the complete closet confusion in the morning. She still loved the salted remnants of summer that floated in the air but preferred the calm and peace of office days. The streets were mostly empty, shops deserted from the jam of customers that came in the evenings and weekends, an occasional laughter from one of the nearby cafés would break the tranquility of the walk. As Hana approached the arcade, the city sounds shifted and fluctuated, roadworks and klaxons replacing the flutter of the trees and the exclamations of children in their courtyard, gasoline perfumes weaving with that of coffee and urine. The sun reflected on the glass windows of skyscrapers and towers, its rays slithering their way through the buildings to lit up the cold, shadowed avenues below as she hurried down the underground entrance. A puff of heat welcomed her when she walked down the stairs, the smell of rubber and iron filling her nostrils, chatter and screeching trains swallowing the noises of the city as she aptly made her way through the wide, tunnel-like corridors of the station. It was a common thing to use the tangle of underground networks to avoid the stoplights and the many avenue crossings, and to Hana, it was more convenient as every single crossroads below had far more indications than the streets and the boulevards above.

She let out a sigh when she finally exited the underground to find the flashy neons of the arcade facing her. Lucky for her, her usual spot with her friends was right outside the station, a little square lost between towering buildings that seemed to have forgotten its existence. As such, there was one old tree in the middle, a couple of broken benches, a café and the arcade. The location was meant to be in a fancy business neighbourhood, but the spot had become so hidden by the city’s continuous metamorphosis that it was mostly frequented by students and a few hippy omnics.

She spotted her friend’s ponytail on the first glance.

“Yo Lucio!” she called, grinning.

“Hana,” the young man exclaimed with a soft smile, pushing off his headphones as he stood up to greet her. “You ready?”

“To beat highscores? Always,” she said before looking around. “Where’s Genji?”

She nervously avoided eye contact as she asked the question, which was in itself a very bad idea since the whole point was for him not to suspect a thing. She scratched her arm and forced herself to look back at her friend, adding a smile for good measure. Lucio didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he frowned and focused his entire attention on her. In that instant, she could feel her own heart stumbling like a cartoon character, panic clutching it under the observing eyes of the musician. She caught her breath, widened her smile in hopes to get him off her back. Finally, he shrugged.

“Saw that college freshman from the other day and followed her inside.”

Ouch.

“Of course,” she said with a nervous laugh. “Typical Genji.”

“Right,” Lucio answered, raising a dubious eyebrow.

Sensing the danger, Hana grabbed him by the hand and pulled him after her and into the arcade. The air was cooler inside, due to the many air vents that peppered the walls. It was dimmer there, blues and pinks lighting the huge room and the machines, green strobes running around the walls and the floor. She glanced around and spotted Genji at a shooting machine, not so far from the entrance. There was a girl with him, more specifically in his arms as he seemingly showed her how to use the plastic gun to shoot the enemies.

From where she stood, Hana couldn’t hear much of their conversation, but she could see the way the girl’s shoulders shook in hilarity, the closeness of their two bodies, the way his thumb gently stroke the back of her hand. His mouth was on her neck, hovering, teasing until he pressed a quick kiss under her jaw. When she blushed, he flashed a satisfied smile, borderline smirk that Hana knew by heart. The girl smiled to herself, elated, and moved a bit closer to him. Too busy to flirt, she missed the shot and looked taken aback by the game over screen, causing Genji to chuckle in her neck and nuzzle her.

It was a sight Hana was used to. She’d seen him coax a thousand of girls before, walked on him making out with a thousand more and teased another thousand if they came asking after Genji. She found it funny, entertaining, didn’t mind the PDA. It had become the usual and he barely even flinched whenever she or Lucio would stumble upon him with a girl, almost said hi and asked about their day.

Well, they had limits. Wouldn’t barge in during more private activities.

It was therefore a sight she was used to. But now she was envious. Envious of the way the girl’s hair curled around his shoulder, her hand under his, the giggles that escaped her tangerine lips. She wanted his arm around her waist too, and his hair tickling her temples and his soft chuckle in her ear. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be one of those stupid girls she laughed at.

Her chest swelled with an all too painful sadness. Envy was a terrible emotion. It didn’t come with jealousy or directed anger, it just nibbled at her, brought doubts and fears and swallowed her whole as she sat alone in her room.

Envy was the very reason she was so upset with herself. For allowing herself to stoop so low, for wishing something she mocked so much. She shouldn’t be crushing on Genji. She shouldn’t wish to be a weak girl, a toy. He would probably be too afraid to ruin their friendship, so she couldn’t even stand where that girl did. He would try to reject her as gently as possible, probably feel bad, she would smile. She would understand that he valued her too much to play with her, that she deserved a real relationship, a caring boyfriend.

And yet… She ached for his touch, and it killed her inside.

She felt something around her hand snap her back to reality, and she glanced down to see that Lucio was tightening his grip. She noticed he was responding to her own steel-tight grasp and that she’d been crushing his hand for the past couple of minutes. She abruptly let go and wondered in panic if she’d outed herself to her friend.

“Wow they’ve brought a new machine!” she announced excitedly to hide her embarrassment, cheeks burning. “Sounds like a new highscore for me to set!”

In an attempt to convince him of her genuineness, she turned around and accompanied her exclamation with a little V sign and a wink:

“MVP D.va ready to rekt.”

“Get good D.va, I already set the highscore to beat.”

She jumped when she felt an arm around her shoulders. Only the familiar woody scent and silvery voice allowed her to put a name on their owner. That, and the more unsafe skip of her heart. She took a short breath.

“Do you hear something, Lucio?” she asked, looking away to dissimulate her sudden difficulty to breathe. “It sounds pretty distant, can’t understand a word. Could it be… A scrub?”

“Wow,” Genji gasped. “How could you call me a scrub? After everything we’ve been through.”

“I have sudden amnesia.”

“You mean you forgot our bonding episode over the delicacies of ramen?”

“Completely.”

Genji gasped again. Louder. More dramatically. The sight was funny, quite Genji-like, and just as expected, his honeyed chuckle followed the antic. Hana felt a little flick on her cheek and almost jumped when she felt his breath tickle her ear:

“You look out of it, could it be you’re jealous?”

She almost choked on her saliva as alarms started blaring in her head.

“Please do enlighten me,” she scoffed, not quite looking at him yet. “I can’t seem to catch what I’m apparently jealous of.”

She knew he was smirking as he leaned closer to her ear, murmuring:

“I saw you looking at us moments ago.”

“Saw me? You mean you look at other girls while flirting with one?” she tried, firming her trembling voice with a huff. “Aren’t you the one trying too hard to make me jealous?”

He laughed and she finally felt his weight on her lessen.

“Can’t blame a man for trying,” Genji conceded, shoving his hands in his pockets as he briefly greeted Lucio with a grin.

“Man you guys should totally sort out this tension you two have going on,” Lucio declared, crossing his arms with a little disappointed shake of the head. “The air is getting hard to breathe lately.”

He chuckled.

“Nah,” the ninja replied. “Might miss our back and forths. Genji and D.va, D.va and Genji, how could I ruin our mythical duo? We’re tension builders.”

“He can’t stand ramyun,” Hana commented. “I’m not going out with a wimp who can’t stand spicy food.”

Genji clutched his chest. “Shots have been fired. Lucio, I need healing.”

Their banter was interrupted by an excited squeal from behind Hana. Turning around, she saw the college girl excitedly skip in front of the arcade machine.

“Genji, look!” she exclaimed. “I did it! I killed the boss!”

“See,” Genji cheered, walking back to his companion. “Told you I had a radar for talented girls.”

The girl blushed lightly, flattered by the compliment. Hana watched her look up at him when he reached her, and she could’ve sworn the girl was dying to kiss him. The sight was painfully evident, and though she knew Genji would undoubtedly play with her for a few days before granting her wish, Hana felt repulsed by her obviousness. How much respect was there in not being hard to get?

She rolled her eyes and sighed, meeting Lucio’s gaze as she turned back.

“You totally like him,” he said, taunting her with the biggest shit eating grin.

“I totally don’t,” she protested.

“Oh come on,” he pressed, wrapping an affectionate arm around her shoulders. “You know you can tell Papa Lucio anything. Especially things he’s already figured out.”

“I don’t see what you’re talking about.”

“You totally do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“It’s okay, no need to beg me, fofinho. I’ll wingman you.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

Lucio looked at her for a full second, studying her silently. “I’ll read that as a yes.”

“It’s not!”

D.va pulled her hood over her head, tugging at the fabric to cover half her face as she groaned. What was her life?

“We’re just friends and that’s how it should stay,” she declared, revealing her eyes from under the hood. “That’s just how we roll. You know it.”

A giggle erupted from where the lovey-dovey couple was standing and D.va couldn’t suppress a wince.

“I’m just a bit touchy lately,” she concluded.

Lucio watched her without a word. His gaze had softened, stance more relaxed as he closed the gap between them. He put his hands on her cheeks and squeezed them, giving her a funny fish face as he did so.

“You know,” he said with a smile. “Reality is the mirror of our very own consciousness. What we notice. Change, on the other hand, is what we realise. And maybe it’s our inability to fathom the entire picture that deceives us into thinking that everything is only what we’ve been, up until now, conscious of.”

She pouted, shoving her hands in her sweatshirt pockets, but didn’t answer.

“In other words… You gotta let the beat drop when it has to drop,” he added, laughing. “That’s always the best part of the song.”

This time, she couldn’t help the little smile that tugged at her lips. “That’s pretty deep, Mr. Frogman.”

“Of course it’d be,” he chuckled. “Wouldn’t be selling albums if it weren’t.”

“Still waiting for that autograph, by the way.”

“Still waiting for yours.”

She laughed. There was a part of truth in Lucio’s words, probably when it came to how focused she was on her own interpretation. But it was only in part, and she’d been brooding on her situation long enough to be overwhelmed by fears and doubts. She wasn’t convinced. The change had been too sudden, and it had probably affected her only.

Genji couldn’t be crushing back on her.

Her mulling was interrupted when Genji walked back to them.

“Hana, Lucio, let me introduce you to Aya,” the sparrow’s familiar, cheerful voice chirped. “I asked if she’d like to join us for the day, if you don’t mind of course. Lucky for me, she said yes.”

Oh how Hana knew where Genji was getting to. Knew that he hadn’t mentioned any friends whatsoever. Knew that he was toying with the poor Aya, and her expression as she realised it wasn’t a date was priceless. The little twitch of her smile as she tried to keep a polite face, tried to hide her disappointment. Her gaze lasted a bit longer on D.va, probably measuring how much of a competition she represented. It was petty, but necessary, and Hana was more than used to the calculating gazes of Genji’s conquests. Sometimes, she’d pretend her and Lucio were a thing to get them off her back, or on the contrary, taunt them shamelessly by flirting openly with Genji. The urge for the latter was the strongest in that instant, despite Hana’s emotional confusion. She was a gamer, a challenger, and her passion for games was the hardest to fight.

Pulling out her tongue, she V signed over her eye and stared directly at Aya, taunting.

“As for this beautiful lady,” Genji continued, battling to keep a straight face at Hana’s antic as he pulled Aya closer. “She’s a foreign student going for a history degree, and very probably my heart. I guess you can just call her Mrs. Shimada already.”

Hana rolled her eyes. “Here I thought that title was reserved for me.”

“Should’ve stated your claim on my heart before, darling,” he replied with a smirk. “You took your time and got caught off guard.”

“I don’t need flirting lessons from you, honey,” she scoffed.

“Graciously offering my help only to be brushed off like a mere peasant, do you see that Aya dear?”

The young woman made a tight smile, as though she didn’t feel comfortable with the faked tension. Still, Genji was surefooted and Hana watched him lean in to murmur something in Aya’s ear. It seemed to lighten the mood from the way her features relaxed and she wrapped herself around his arm.

Hana knew that Genji would never badmouth her, that she was sure of. But the intimacy stung, and it took her inhuman efforts to keep a smile plastered all over her face as she watched the two together.

“So how about that new arcade game?” Lucio asked in an attempt to break the tension. “Maybe we should grab something to eat first?”

“Totally,” Genji acknowledged with a strong nod. “I’m starving.”

The DJ gallantly offered his arm to D.va as they walked towards the food court. Gladly, she took it and instinctively moved away from the couple, rather focusing on the arcade machines and the various players. There were younger gamers, boys hanging out together to beat each other’s scores, girls gathering around dance machines or air-hockey tables. Many couples were meeting up at the arcade too, as it called for proximity and adrenaline. Their own voices gradually died in the mayhem of bgm and sound effects as they got closer to the snack bar. There were a few free tables, wobbly, missing a few chairs, but the group settled at one regardless.

It was Lucio and Genji who offered to get the orders, and soon Hana was left alone with the college girl. Though it should’ve been uncomfortable, both girls barely gauged each other, one checking her phone, the other pulling out her portable console to resume her platform game.

Despite the buzz around them, the silence that weighed on them was particular. None could tell if it was rivalry or just plain disinterest that filled the air between them. Not even them. It was just there. An unqualifiable silence.

“Do you think I should pursue this with Genji?” Aya asked finally. She’d said that without looking up from her phone, nails swiftly tapping the tactile screen as she typed.

Hana played with the stylus caught between her teeth, eyes glued on the jumping character of her game. She felt her heart skip a beat at Aya’s question, making her wary of herself.

“What do you mean?” she asked nonchalantly.

“Well,” the college girl elaborated. “You two seem pretty close. I’m not looking for anything serious, but I also don’t want to get caught into any drama between you guys. I have better things to do than play third wheel. So I’m asking for your opinion, because I don’t want to be a thorn in your side.”

Hana blinked.

No, she was supposed to say. Genji is a famous playboy, so it’s kind of our game to flirt back and forth. It’s got nothing to do with any feelings between us! I’m not crushing on him or anything like that. I’m just teasing you. Just enjoy your time with him. If it’s not you, it’ll be another girl.

It sounded more like an inner ramble than a potentially coherent answer. There was no way D.va could say that out loud without sounding like she was desperately looking for an excuse. It looked meek even to her.

Focusing back on her game, she didn’t answer immediately, rather clearing the level until she spoke again.

“There’s no way you could be a thorn in my side since there’s nothing going on between Genji and I.”

“Is it?”

“I don’t see why there should be.”

“Maybe there is,” Aya retorted, flashing a glance towards Hana. “At least from the way I see it.”

The gamer girl pressed the last jump button before the checkpoint and let her character fall into the river. Only then did she look up at the other girl and smirked.

“Are you shipping us, by any chance? Because we do have this one fanclub…”

Aya rolled her eyes with a little laugh. “That’s ridiculous. But it is true that you’d make a nice couple. Maybe Genji’s right. You’re the problem.”

Hana raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“It’s not my role to nudge,” the girl answered with a contrite shrug, smiling.

The girl’s smile seemed genuine, which felt weird considering all the mean glances D.va had grown used to over the years. It made it difficult to be upset at this strange girl, and Hana didn’t like one bit of it. It put her off guard, brought down her sarcasm defenses and made them inadequate.

She was confused. She didn’t know what any of Lucio or Aya’s words truly meant. It felt as though they knew so much more than they wanted to let on, and it drove her crazy. They were evasive, puzzling, and she couldn’t figure out a reasonable reason to justify it. A reason her defenses would appreciate. She liked clear objectives, clear instructions.

Not half sentences she couldn’t allow herself to interpret.

She couldn’t afford a game over.

“You shouldn’t bother yourself with interpretations,” she said, though her voice sounded smaller than she would’ve liked as she looked back at her console. “If you’re not looking for anything serious, Genji is the right pick. You’ll both enjoy it.”

Aya couldn’t answer as the boys came back, putting down their trays as they resumed their festive conversation, roaring with laughter. Under normal circumstances, Hana would have joined, bullying them to get them to share the topic. Obviously, they’d tease her, Lucio would pull his signature “Why are you so angry” line as she’d feign being mad. It would probably end with her challenging them to the arcade games in exchange for their apologies, with Lucio breaking the highscore of the dance machine, and Genji fighting body and soul to beat D.va’s shooting game score.

But this time, she was silent, focused on her own little game, barely caring about the surrounding noise. She had too much to sort out and only the repetitive jumps of the character emptied her mind from the anarchy of her thoughts.

She felt upset and confused, and not where she needed to be in that instant.

For the first time in ages, D.va, the outgoing cheeky world renowned gamer, ached for silence and solitude.

“Oh no, my smoothie is already empty.”

“Thirsty much, babe?” asked a playful Genji.

“Very funny,” Aya answered, probably rolling her eyes in amusement.

“Well I do hear that pretty often so… I think I can safely highlight that as one of my many qualities.”

Aya laughed and Hana almost cringed when she felt Genji’s leg under the table as he moved closer to the college girl.

“I’ll go get you a drink,” he announced finally, voice dripping with cajolery.

He stood up, his chair creaking as he pushed it back but was interrupted by Aya’s sudden exclamation.

“Hold on,” she said. “I’ll just come with you.”

And she did, couple walking away, arm in arm as they murmured things in each other’s ears. It was in that instant that Hana made the mistake to look up and meet Genji’s gaze, looking back at her even as he had another girl with him, even as he walked in the opposite way and had no reason to be glancing in her direction.

It had been fast, lightning fast but it had been enough to tighten the knot in Hana’s chest. The knot she’d been carrying ever since Lucio had implied that there could be more than friendship towards her from Genji’s part. The knot that had grown unbearable as Aya implied that she was a problem, that she was a coward. Because none of them knew how much she valued Genji, and how devastated she would be if she were to lose it all.

She felt dizzy, nauseous almost, the sounds around her merging into the most disastrous of cacophonies. She needed to leave.

“Lucio, I think I’m gonna go,” she managed to say as she stood up.

“Are you sure? We haven’t even played yet,” her friend replied, worry starting to paint itself on his face.

“Yeah, I just don’t really feel like it today.”

She smiled at him, shrugging. She was becoming a great actress, even though she knew Lucio was smarter than that. It also meant he wouldn’t press because he knew.

“Okay,” he said. “Just stay safe, okay?”

“I promise, I’m a big girl.”

She hugged him before leaving. A tight hug, the kind that didn’t really need any words, any language. The kind to which he responded with the same strength, if not more. It was comfortable, comforting, familiar. She needed the warmth and the understanding of her best friend, the calm drum of his heart to soothe her and the rugged texture of his dreadlocks tickling familiarly her cheek.

“Don’t worry too much about this, Bunny Hop,” he murmured in her ear as she pressed her face in his shoulder. “Everything comes in its own time.”

She didn’t answer, nor nod. She simply stood up, smile not leaving her face until she turned around and left, not even as she V signed to Lucio to signal that everything was okay.

Nothing was okay.

The walk to the underground station felt surreal, but the cool air of the evening soothed her nerves and made her sight less blurry, though her heart showed no sign of calming down. She took a deep breath as she entered the station, hurriedly walking down the stairs as she pulled out her underground card from her phone case. She’d decided that a packed train would be better than walking through the wide avenues of the city and risking to get run over by a car. She would squeeze in there and give free reins to her thoughts as the stations passed one after the other, people came and went, tunnels started and ended.

The train arrived shortly after she sat down and she scurried inside, apologising as she tightly tucked herself away between two passengers, the lack of space making it useless to cling to any hanging strap. She sighed deeply, pulling her headphones over her ears, scrolling down her music player as she waited for the door to shut down.

She hadn’t found a proper song when someone slipped inside the metro right before the doors closed, disturbing the careful arrangement of the packed vehicle as he made his way to a specific area of the train. She hadn’t planned to look up and glare at the newcomer for lack of interest, but her eyes definitely widened when she recognised his voice.

“Hana.”

It took her approximatively all her self control not to look up at him. Especially when she recognised the orange hoodie and the woody perfume that stood out despite the mixed scents of sweat and dust, she recognised the concerned tone in his voice and she wanted to be far away from there.

She hoped he would think she was listening to music and didn’t hear him. Hoped he would give up.

But the latter was far-stretched.

“Hana, I know you can hear me,” he said, reaching for her phone where no song was being displayed.

Without thinking, she pulled away before he could touch the device, shoving it in her pockets as she lowered her head further.

Fuck, she thought.

This was going horribly.

The train stopped at the next station, the pre-recorded voice repeating emotionlessly the name of the stop as the machine halted abruptly. The jerk sent D.va forward and into Genji. Instinctively, he wrapped his arm around her waist, protecting her from the wave of passengers who hurriedly left the train by fear of colliding with the hasty crowd who tried to get in, and Hana felt almost deaf from the erratic scramble of her heart in her ears.

“Look at me, Hana,” Genji asked again. His voice seemed firm, but in the jolt of the train starting, she could have sworn she heard a slight shake at the end. Whether it had been caused by the movement of the vehicle or something completely different, it would’ve been hard for her to tell, even less bring herself to ask. But when she didn’t answer, she heard him again:

“Please.”

It was way more than she could take. And for that exact reason, she was all the more terrified to look into his eyes.

“I did something wrong, right?”

She glanced at him at that exact second, shaken by the train’s inconsistent trajectory and the unbalanced passengers who bumped into her. Those should’ve mattered, even more so than the chest of the boy in front of her, even more so than the gleam in his eyes as he looked at her. That gaze shouldn’t be tugging at her heartstrings the way it did. That look of pure worry shouldn’t be this intense and genuine.

“No, you didn’t,” she breathed out, throat clogged.

He sighed. “Then why do you look so sad whenever you look at me?”

“I’m not sad,” she mumbled, looking away.

The train stopped again. It was Genji who bumped into her this time, pushed by the incoming passengers until D.va felt the metal of the pole grip against her back. The heat was more intense in this part of the train, probably due to the fact they were far from the doors now and people were the most concentrated where they stood. She almost lost her balance in the tangle of legs below, but held onto the pole to keep herself standing as the train started again. She vaguely wondered how many stops there would be until she’d be able to leave.

When Genji spoke again, she realised he was too crushed against her to be able to look at her, his breath tickling her ear as he seemed to think of an answer, almost stumble as he searched for proper words. She was about to break the silence, narrowly missing the murmur that eventually escaped his lips. The sound was drowned in the screech of the railways, in the cough of a nearby commuter and the whine of a little child in the distance. She hadn’t been supposed to hear him, but she had. It had been crystal clear.

“Why do you make this so hard for me?”

Maybe Genji’s right. You’re the problem.

“Do I?” she asked, tightening her grip around the pole.

He inhaled, taking in the sweet perfume of her hair as a self-deprecating chuckle escaped his lips.

“Yeah,” he said. “You do.”

“Then why not cut me off, if I’m so problematic?”

The train quivered again as it stopped at another station. She quickly glanced over his shoulder to see that she would be able to get off in two more. She tightened her grip around the pole and Genji took advantage of the new wave of passengers to put enough space between them and look at her. She didn’t meet his gaze.

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, increasingly fed up. “I just don’t know anything anymore. I’ve been struggling for weeks, trying to make sense of emotions that everyone around me seems to understand better than I do. No one wants to explain anything to me and it makes me feel like I’m being toyed with.”

He tilted his head, puzzled. “What emotions?”

She gestured frantically towards the both of them, using the little space she had and sighing all the while in frustration. She shouldn’t be getting this upset. “This… You, me, us.”

“Us?”

“And I just can’t sort anything out. All my attempts at fixing myself fall apart and I don’t know-”

“No, what about us?”

She looked at him then. He had tensed all of a sudden, his gaze intense, maybe expectant. It felt almost like he was hoping for something, hoping for a specific answer but she bit her lip, reluctant to deceive herself with unfounded interpretations.

“There is no us,” she asserted. “At least beyond our friendship.”

Hana would have been unable to describe the exact emotion that flashed in Genji’s eyes in that instant. Spontaneity would have wanted it to be disappointment, hurt, maybe sadness somewhere? Reason, however, couldn’t find any valid argument and she decided to overlook whatever misunderstanding there could be, preferring to blame her own treacherous mind rather than fool herself.

“Right,” he smiled, clearing his throat. “We’re just friends, of course! Wouldn’t want to retire from my playboy days so soon, eh.”

She raised an eyebrow, genuinely startled.

His eyes widened slightly before he looked away, the train’s motion briefly making him lose balance.

“I mean,” he spouted. “Should there be an us… I believe you’d deserve to be more than just another girl.”

If her heart hadn’t been loud enough before, Hana could have sworn she’d heard a gear or two pop out of their place as she struggled to keep herself from paling. No, her reaction was being ridiculous. He was doing exactly what she’d predicted he’d do if she ever confessed.

Remind her that she deserved more than a playboy, and that she didn’t belong with him. That he was nowhere near retirement and that he wouldn’t like her to waste her time on him.

The simple thought was enough to bum her a bit. It was something to anticipate a thing, another to take the impact. And she didn’t think she’d been ready for her pessimistic scenarios to turn out to be correct.

“Which further strengthens the idea that we’re not suited for each other as anything other than friends!” she announced with forced positivity.

She didn’t expect that Genji wouldn’t answer immediately, rather finding a sudden interest in the surrounding passengers he decided to contemplate. He looked back at her after what felt like ages and put on the widest grin he could.

“Definitely, you couldn’t have said it better,” he acknowledged, tensing a bit when the jolt of the train pushed him back into D.va. They were once again crushed against each other, but for the first time since they’d gotten into the train, Hana noticed the way her arms had instinctively wrapped themselves around his waist. She let go.

“So, how does this ‘us’ thing link to people knowing your ‘emotions’ more than you do and toying with you?” he asked after managing to position himself at a respectable distance.

“Oh well uh,” she stammered. “It’s just…”

Her voice trailed off for a lack of explanations. She nervously looked around.

“You know what? I have to go,” she mumbled as the train stopped again. It wasn’t her stop yet, but she needed to leave this place as soon as possible.

Hurriedly, she slipped under Genji’s arm and sneaked her way through the passengers, aiming for the door as the recorded voice repeated relentlessly the station name. It was more difficult than she’d assumed, the compressed bodies barely giving any space for her to leave, each passenger fighting to get in and off the train as quickly as possible.

She felt his hand on her wrist halfway through her escape.

“Hana.”

She tried to free herself from his grip, as the beep signaling that the doors would close soon resonated in the vehicle. But it was in vain.

She didn’t want that frustration building in her chest, or the growing panic that was blurring her sight. She wanted to leave and never have to confront Genji. This was a mess and she hated every second of it.

“Let me go,” she whined almost, still pulling her arm.

“Not until you’re okay!” Genji retorted and she knew he was shaking his head vehemently as he said so.

“Why would you even care?”

“Have I ever not cared?”

She bit her lip, unable to turn around and face him. She hated how right he was.

“Why shouldn’t I care, Hana? Give me one reason and I’ll do it. Right away. I’ll stop caring. Because I care way more than friends should and the fact that… No matter what I do, no matter what I try, I can’t get you out of my head… It’s driving me crazy.”

There was something in the way his voice cracked that made her turn around even as the train rattled again and weakened her balance. Grabbing the pole by the door, she looked at him and the hurt and regret caught in his eyes. There was that and it was although there was so much more than just his voice that had cracked, making her wonder why it was that his sentence just didn’t sound the way it should’ve. Wonder why it was that it made her heart skip a beat.

Maybe it’s our inability to fathom the entire picture that deceives us into thinking that everything is only what we’ve been, up until now, conscious of.

He briefly looked away, breathing out in irritation, fingers still around her wrist. Eventually, he closed the gap between them, pressing her against the plastic of the wall as he prudently cupped her face in his hands.

“Do you know how hard it is for me not to kiss you whenever I see you?” His voice was barely a murmur, lost between a sigh and a whisper. “Do you just have any idea of how hard it is for me not to kiss you right now and you’re asking why I would care?”

Her own consciousness seemed to slip away as she took in his words. She felt numb, but somehow still stood on her feet, as though her body had gone on auto-pilot while her own brain tripped. The sounds around her hadn’t vanished, contrary to what books and movies tended to suggest, nor had the heady smell of the underground or the flickering light of the wagon. But she was painfully aware of Genji’s presence and the weight of his gaze on her, dark and pained, albeit with a flicker of hope and nervousness.

She took a ragged breath, trying to make sense of the fluttering thoughts that invaded her mind. She had to say something, anything, but no words came to her as she only stared at the boy in front of her, his hands burning against her cheeks.

“You’re-” He looked away from her gaze, eyes running over her cheeks, her lips, her chin, as though they held the words he was so desperate to find. “You make it so hard for me to keep it to myself. I’m not brave. I’m not brave enough to risk losing you. I can stay your friend and banter with you back and forth if it means you’ll still call me to hang out. I don’t mind. But it’s so hard. And then you just- you start waving these signs that maybe you like me back, that maybe it’s not so wrong from me to be so wrapped. And I can’t trust myself, but I do, only for you to tell me there is no us and leave again.” He peered at her again and the grunt of the machine below their feet got louder. “Why?”

“I’m scared,” she finally whispered.

“What?”

“I’m scared of losing you.” She drummed nervously her fingers on the pole at her left, head throbbing, heart quaking. “I’m scared of the way my heart has started to run wild when you’re around, of the way I ache for your touch and the confusion and the feelings that build up in my throat whenever someone mentions your name. I’m scared of these feelings, because I don’t know how strong they are and if they’re worth me ruining our friendship over a no-tomorrow adventure. I hate myself for envying all these girls that strut about and end up in your bed, for wishing for what I abhor and what I mock. I don’t want to be them, and yet… It hurts so much not to know what to do.”

“Hana…”

His arms were around her before she could even comprehend what was happening, her face pressing tightly against his chest and the zipper of his hoodie. She felt his hands on her hair and his chin on her head, fingers soothingly playing with her brown locks. She could sense his heart pound against her face, hasty, and for the first time, she allowed herself to hug him back, her hands clinging to his vest like a lifeline as she inhaled his familiar scent.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled in his chest. “I’m being really lame and cheesy right now.”

“It’s okay.” His shoulders shook with the little chortle that escaped his lips and he pulled her closer. She heard his voice through his ribcage, as though there was only him to be heard in the train. “I don’t care. I love you.”

Again, her heart skipped a beat. Just like it had so many weeks ago, as he held her in his arms in a similar way. This time she smelled no booze and no sweat, only the soap of his clean clothes and the incense. She felt precious in his embrace, as though she would break or flutter away, and it felt strange because she’d grown up a soldier, trained by her ragged government. It felt strange, and at odds with her strong diva persona, but she liked the feeling of being protected.

It was supposed to be soothing, probably one of those sweet movie scenes with a ridiculous upbeat romantic music and a guitar in the background. Hollywood had definitely taught her a thing or two about snuggling and letting the credits roll, but right now, she was a disaster. A secret disaster. Her heart was scurrying through her chest, running around alarmingly, brain packing for Hawaii, throat begging to let out kettle noises Hana was desperately trying to stiffle.

There was very few words to express her current state of panic, and even less to describe the inhuman effort she was making at hiding it.

Because Genji Shimada had just said he loved her. Genuinely. And none of her half-baked scenarios had prepared her for the eventuality.

“People might start believing you if you say it so loud,” she scolded in a poor attempt to look nonchalant.

He slid a hand under her chin to make her look at him. “Would it include you if I do?”

Yes.

“What am I to you?” she asked carefully, drowning in the brown of his eyes as she urged herself to play hard to get.

“Much more than the girls you envy.”

“And why would I believe you?”

“I don’t know.”

He’d answered spontaneously, as though it was the most natural response to her question. It felt odd, and Hana realised she’d expected him to have a script readied. A series of smooth lines and compliments to every single one of her questions. She’d expected flowers and his regular Genji gear, but there was none of it and she felt dismayed. The train trembled again and jerked as it stopped, pressing Genji further against her as the usual crowd poured out. The placid voice repeated the name of the station. Her station.

The distance between their faces was negligible, and she only needed to tilt her head to feel his lips on hers. It could’ve looked like an accident. But her gaze was glued on his, on the warmth and tenderness and lit his dark pupils, and she couldn’t move. He was beautiful.

She needed to leave.

“Then why is it that my heart’s still running?”

She felt his mouth at the same time that she heard a sigh, something like defeat, escape him. She couldn’t tell if she’d kissed him or if he had, but as she brushed her lips against his, she tasted exhilaration and something that intoxicated her senses and her thoughts. He cupped her face in his hands and her own instinctively found the front of his shirt, pulling him closer as she tilted her head.

She heard the doors beep, then close, and the train resumed its chaotic journey, bumps and creaking sounds and heat surrounding them.

She’d missed her station.

But right now, as she tangled her fingers in Genji’s hair, it didn’t matter at all.

[anxietyexpress2020]

HOLY SHIT THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUEEEE

Jekyll and Hyde is being turned into a movie musical i’ve never felt more validated in my life