#OHHH I CAN FEEL THE BURNOUT COMING

[mooechi]

FOREHEADS REVEAL

@tokito-dulya20, ryouki and hiroyuki!..damn those hairlin-

( edit ) HELPP CORGOT TO SAY BUT I BELIEV RYOUKI OR IF IM WRONG THEN I MEAN THE GUY ON THE LEFT IS @cloudymistedskies oc! the right one is @tokito-dulya20's.

the mentioned ( tagged ) ones have full authority to save this and do whatever they want with it

REFERENCES?? MY OWN LARGE ASS HEAD

HAHAHAHAHAH..wanna reveal urs to-

[austim]

This has been bothering me and you seem like the PERFECT person to rant to about it.

Stimblr has a fucking Problem with crediting lately. You know this. You've prolifically posted about it. Namely about people just not crediting or crediting uncredited Pinterest reposts. A fucking hero.

But you know what else people have been doing lately that really grinds my fucking gears?

Crediting SOMEONE'S STIMBOARD that uses and credits SOMEONE ELSE'S STIM. I HAVE TO CLICK THROUGH 5 DIFFERENT STIMBOARDS TO GET TO THE GIF'S ACTUAL FUCKING SOURCE.

Ohhh and you know what I REALLY. LOVE. When I go through 7 fucking boards just to hit a dead end because one of the users deactivated when I KNOW THAT PERSON WAS NOT THE SOURCE OF THAT GIF

re: I saw an old gif of mine used in a board recently and I suspiciously clicked the link. It linked to another board using it. So I clicked on that link. That linked to another board using it. So I clicked on that link. And. That linked to another board using it. ((((((: And then I clicked on that link and..... it was a dead end. It linked to another board using it, but that board's creator had deactivated. So now my gif was just wholly unsourced all because everyone and their mother had to fucking create a chain of tumblr users to go through which is broken the second any of them deactivates.

RRRRRRRRRRRHGHG sorry just. It's been REALLY FUCKING IRKING ME lately. I straight up block people who do this

(not when a longer-standing stim blog does it because I know they're generally reliable and just made a one-time error -- they know better -- but I'm trigger happy on stim blogs I don't recognize or already have a positive repertoire with)

I've seen the same thing happen with my own gifs many times; there's this one bottle cap gif I made that has never once been credited properly because everyone seems to find it from and source the one board that mis-sourced it. Sometimes I contact people about this but the last few times even when I do they don't bother to fix it, even when they say they will.

I'm tired. I don't know what to do about it. I was going to make a sourcing blog but only two people were interested in helping and I started a 9-5 yesterday and I can't afford to burnout again. People frequently get away with being lazy about sourcing and no one actually does anything about it because they're either also too tired or afraid of conflict. And new people see people being lazy and think that's the norm and it spreads and spreads and spreads.

I can feel myself getting more apathetic every time I see it happen. Because there isn't actually anything we can do about it unless we come together and work beyond our limits to put an end to it. People have tried to do similar things before just to maintain sources on deactivated stim blogs and that's been met with mixed results at best.

Idk. I'm tired. I don't even know when my next original post will be. I'm just trying to make it past the probationary period and survive until I get my first paycheck. Stimblr and its problems aren't even on my radar anymore.

[thefederation]

- SECURITY AUDIO FOOTAGE FROM REGULARLY SCHEDULED CRYO MAINTENANCE CHECK-IN: 22:01-22:10 -

"Hey-" "JESUS CHRIST!" "..." "Ohhh my god [-------] I'm so sorry. I-I didn't hear you coming in." "...Right. Well, I'm here to check on our cryo boys. Right...right on schedule." "Our popsicles?" "...Sure." "No prob. F-uh, follow me, I guess."

"CryoRes_SDMC." "Uuuuuuh-" "...Stable?" "STABLE. Right. Um. Yes, he's stable." "..." "..." "...I'm so sorry, what's the next-" "Length of time frozen." "Right! Right! Uhm, length of time frozen eighty-four days and counting, or two thousand and seventeen hours." "Good." "No notable changes since the last check-in. Reprogramming completed as of hour seven hundred thirty-six. Trigger phrase 'Honeypot.' Subject suffering no effects from cryo over the threshold." "There you go. Any notes?" "...nope." "Okay. Moving on. CryoRes_F."

"Stable. Frozen seventy-seven days, eighteen forty-nine hours and counting. No notable changes, no negative effects, Reprogramming complete as of hour seven-hundred twenty-five with trigger phrase 'simulacrum.'" "CryoRes_K." "Stable. Fifty-two days, twelve-fifty one hours and counting. No notable changes. No negative effects. Reprogramming complete hour seven-hundred forty-three, trigger phrase 'Sharingan.'" "CryoRes_DTDM. ...Your best work." "Thanks. Stable. Ninety-two days, two thousand, two hundred and ten hours. No notable changes or negative effects, despite the unique containment measures developed and administered by yours truly. Most recent sedation conducted at zero hours, twenty-two hours ago. Next sedation due in roughly fifty-four hours. Brainwashing completed at fourteen forty-five hours with trigger phrase 'Burnout.'" "You're doing great. CryoRes_Q?"

"..." "CryoRes_Q?" "..." "[-------]?" "Ah-! Sorry, what?" "CryoRes_Q, [-------]." "Right. Ah- right. Stable. Sev-seventeen hours. Brainwaves have stabilized at delta. Seven hours until reprogramming begins with trigger phrase 'Fully-Flocked.'" "Excellent. Thank you." "Yeah. Yeah, no problem." "...[-------], are you doing okay?" "...Uh, yeah! Haha, yeah. Yeah, I'm doing fine. Just fine." "...Okay, well-" "It's just...you ever think this is a little fucked up?"

"..." "...This is standard procedure-" "I know! I know. Everyone keeps saying that. They told me: we do this on every island, it's part of the job description, our methods are perfectly humane, it's just your job, don't worry about it, and everyone's telling me how great I did figuring out how to contain DTDM, but...I dunno. I just don't know. It feels weird. "I can see them having nightmares, you know. I can read their brainwaves and stress levels on the machines....and the new guy- he's so YOUNG. I know he's the same age as SDMC, but- I don't know. SDMC didn't look young." "...aren't they older than you?" "Like-! Compared to the other guys!" "How old are you again?" "...Nineteen. But I was top of my class at MIT AND Harvard Medical School." "Jesus, you're a baby." "...Yeah. Look, I don't know. F-five months ago, I was sitting at home playing Splatoon 3 on the Nintendo Switch, and I had no idea that anything like this was going on anywhere. 'It's such a good job opportunity,' Dad said. 'You'll be so grateful you did this,' Dad said. I can't call home. I haven't been outside since we came here. I sleep here, in this room, with a bunch of guys that I'm getting paid to keep cryogenically frozen and brainwashed. Sometimes- sometimes I dream I'm in a pod with them." "We don't freeze employees unless they were formerly residents. You have nothing to worry about." "SO THEY SHOULD BE WORRIED? WHY SHOULD I EVEN BE WORRIED IF IT'S SO HUMANE, HUH? "...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. I'm just- I'm- I dunno. I dunno. Haha...I should have waited to take this job until I was at LEAST old enough to drink." "...would you like a hug?" "R-really?"

"Sure, of course." ........... "...I miss my fucking dog, man." "Hey, it's okay. This job is a hard adjustment. And- I know you're my coworker and as an HR guy I know that it's a sketchy zone to be making comments about age, but honestly man, you're just so YOUNG-" "It's okay. Ha! It's okay. I've been feeling really young lately." "Your health insurance for this job covers therapy. I can help you figure out how to set that up, if you want." "IT DOES? Oh my god, you will? Thank you, thank you so much, I'm really not used to making my own appointments-" "Hey, it's nothing. And I'll see if I can get you outside, okay? I'll talk to [-------]."

"I- okay. Talking honestly? [-------] is a sadistic fucking freak. They'll say no." "And I'm a really, really good HR guy. I'll convince them. I promise, okay?" "...Okay. Thanks, [-------]. Really." "No problem. Come on, there's some donuts and orange juice in the break room. You want some donuts and orange juice?" "I'm on the clock..." "I won't tell."

- FOOTAGE END -

[demonslayedher]

How you doing Buri Senpai !!

Personal question…. How do you manage to get out of your art/writing block/ burnout ? You are an incredible artist and writer and i wish to be like you someday❤️

(///￣ ￣///) Thank you, Anon. Like most other people who do any sort of creative work, I am constantly seeking validation. I don’t think that ever goes away. That is why I’ll give you the truth, I get a lot of happy chemicals from making KnY fanwork, at the expense of any other creative work I could be doing.

There’s lots and lots of discussion out there on what leads to creative burnout and how perfectionism kills success by preventing someone from even starting a project, and anyone who has ever worked hard on something only to feel it met with a disappointing response can tell you about the heartbreak of feeling like none of your efforts are worth anything. It’s very easy to say “write for you, draw what you want, fandom should be fun” but we all know that sometimes it’s not. That’s the best advice I think is out there, though, so I’m just going to expand a bit.

…I tried, but my answers all kept getting rambly. ლ(¯ロ¯"ლ)

The truth is that KnY is escapism for me and that is why I create so much of it!! For as long as I’m busy with this, and getting dopamine from making fanwork, my projects I’m willing to tell people about in real life are going to continue to get ignored! O ho ho! I fear failure!! I know they won’t be perfect and that is why I do not wish to create them in the first place! I do not wish to be judged as imperfect!!! Ohhh, ho ho ho ho! O-o-o-o-hhhhhh ho ho ho ho!

Ah. But that’s probably a big reason why I create so much KnY content: the stakes are lower than other things I might wish to accomplish. Since I don’t have any high expectations of my art anymore I can allow myself to relax with it and accept its wonkiness as part of it, if anything, that’s in the spirit of the original manga, right? Also, I’m practiced enough with my drawing that even though I don’t know proper drawing technique, I can intuitively go about bringing a lot of things from my head to paper, so that makes it something I do to relax.

While I have given myself permission to be lazy with art for the sake of enjoying it, I do still harbor the same childhood dream of getting published, even though my understanding of that now comes with vague knowledge of all the burn-outable activities that come with (self-promotion, blaaaaargh, please just let me live under a rock). Sometimes, when I realize just how high my KnY-related word count is, I get aggravated with myself for not having poured that power into my own original projects. But failure would feel so much higher with those, so I stick to what I know I can accomplish, as I lo-o-o-ve the feeling of accomplishing things.

But…

Well…

One of the best times I got that feeling was was when I sat down and actually wrote a few manga short stories, beginning to end, with no idea what I was doing. All it really took was a kick in the pants from someone holding me accountable. I had 55 books printed to basically give away to people. I had them all stacked up when they arrived and was stunned at how slim the spines were. All those hours, poured into that small a result, something that could be consumed and forgotten so easily?

But then again, I had something. Something complete, so that if the topic of OCs ever came up, I hand something to hand to someone, to say, “this.”

It was sometime after that when I crushed my first NaNoWriMo attempt by a long-shot (50,000 words? Pfffhaahahaha, when I’m prepared and have my schedule cleared for it, that’s nothing!), and even though that first novel objectively was terrible, it broke me in and made me realize that I could do it. I’ve written three more full drafts of other stories since then, though I was so frustrated with the overhaul second draft of one of them that I quit on it and then, uh, started watching KnY. Teh heh…

But I guess that really is the drive. To have something I can give to someone to say, “This. I have put my thoughts and feelings to form. It’s a form I can share now.” Sure, it’s really nice to imagine having a fandom following or striking it big with a hit or something, but it would never be enough validation, and that sounds like a sure way to get burnt out.

So even in fandom, even when I get other ideas of what might be fun (or just popular?) blog content, at some level I just want to say “I got this idea, I gave it form, please appreciate it.” And, as is the key to most forms of happiness, I’m really, really grateful for the people who bother to read my wordy work, who leave their thoughts, and who take my ideas and run with them and make new ideas from them. My fandom content isn’t made specifically for my own pleasure, I really, really do get joy out of other people finding joy in it, and satisfaction in knowing I put it into a form that can be enjoyed instead of just having it in my own head. It's like my relaxed attitude toward my drawing, though. In order to keep my fandom fun, I keep my expectations in check so that I can still relax and have fun with it. I don't get involved with things that require effort I don't feel like putting in, I don't hold myself responsible for giving anyone else fandom validation either, it's not a give and take economy of praise. When I want to praise you I will dump it on you and you will know it's from the heart. Keeping things relaxed requires boundaries and embracing one's own laziness, so that you can focus on what you really care about.

But the not-as-fun projects that come with high stakes, the ones that keep calling me… they’re out there, and I need to polish my rough areas to answer the call, someday.

I just fear what becoming my best self will entail.

[mammoneymelon]

How the brothers would react to finding out that MC is autistic

before anyone says anything, i’m autistic and just really want some representation

TW for ableism! the boys are doing their best but no NT immediately knows everything about autism

it’s a bit random, but i headcanon that lucifer has misophonia, so it’s only a matter of time before a noisy/verbal stim starts to drive him up a wall

“what in the devildom are you doing?” he’d ask, eyebrows scrunched in frustration

you have no idea what he’s talking about; after all, you’ve just been sitting on your DDD playing some rhythm game

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve been making that noise for hours; cut it out before i have to go find the packing tape.”

you know him well enough to know he isn’t joking, so you nod and do your best to stop, ignoring the feeling of dread beginning to well up in your chest

you go back to your game, and soon enough, you’re back to ‘making that noise’

you see lucifer stand up, bringing your action to your attention.

“oh, sorry! i didn’t realize i was doing it again, sorry!”

“oh?” he asked, looking down at you. 

“it’s stimming. autistic people do it a lot more than others, and sometimes we don’t even notice it.” there’s a moment of silence but you realize you just told him something you hadn’t even told your human friends

“ah, yes, i do remember reading about that in your file. i didn’t want to say anything so as not to offend you.”

you shake your head. “dude! that’s personal business! i don’t like telling people.”

lucifer’s gaze seems to soften. “don’t fret, MC. i won’t tell a soul.”

and he doesn’t.

he also totally buys you quiet stim toys

it’s not long before mammon realizes you are terrible at reading the room

you have a terrible habit of cracking a joke at the worst time or saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it was at the expense of others

at first, mammon, mammon thought you were really brave. now, however, he sees that you just have no idea what you’re doing

currently, your knack for trouble had landed you in detention, something you’d gotten fairly used to in the human world. mammon was sitting next to you - he was paying for trying to defend you

“lucifer’s going to kill us. again.”

“and whose fault is that?”

“sorry,” you mumble. “it’s not like i was trying to get us here.”

“really? because it’s startin’ to seem like you are. not that i blame ya, if i were you i’d do anything to spend more time with the great mammon.” he gives you a smile, and you really hope that means he isn’t mad

“i really don’t like upsetting people, i just don’t really get tone? i didn’t even realize the teacher was mad until you stepped in. “

“dude, she was on the verge of killing ya! what do ya mean you “didn’t even realize”?

you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. “it’s part of a disorder i have. autism. i just don’t get some stuff that comes naturally to other people.”

“ohhh.” mammon slaps his head, feeling like an idiot. “sorry,” he murmurs, and you barely hear it

mammon, being, well, mammon, will probably forget.

it’s not that he doesn’t care! it’s just not something that comes up in conversation.

of course, when the two of you do talk about it, he picks up on the symptoms pretty quickly. he’s a pretty smart guy, and he’ll do anything and everything for his human

the two of you are working on a co-op dungeon while you talk about your current special interest

“wow, MC, you know a lot about this!”

“thanks,” you respond, and it hits you - you’ve been infodumping almost this whole time

“haha, yeah, blame it on the autism brain,” you joke absentmindedly, not really caring if he knew. you two were good friends, why would being neurodivergent make a difference?

levi, on the other hand, does a double take. being the gamer he is, he’d definitely heard the word used as an insult, but he’d never thought about anyone actually having autism - much less his best friend

“MC, you have autism?” he turns to you looking genuinely confused, his controller sitting, forgotten, in his lap

“um, yeah? it’s not really a big deal,” you say, shrugging

“yeah it is! i mean i knew you were pretty weird, since you hang out with me-” he stops mid-sentence, realizing his mistake. “NOT IN A BAD WAY, OF COURSE! ah sorry, i said something stupid, like always.”

you shake your head with a small smile. you can tell he’s trying. “trust me, i’ve heard much worse. you’re fine, levi.”

he glances up at you, face red from embarrassment, and your smile widens. “i mean, i don’t think like ‘normal’ people anyway, so yeah, i kinda am weird.”

once you leave his room, he’s at his pc, researching more vigorously that he’s ever done for a class

the more he learns, the more annoyed he gets at the complete misunderstanding of the disorder

ultimately, he just wants to make sure you feel supported and understood

you’re sitting in the library, doing your homework while satan looks over your essay, checking for errors

“oi, MC”

“what’s up?” you respond, still focused on your work

“are you scared of me?”

this prompts you to look up, focusing your eyes on his hands

“i was when i first came here, and i definitely would be scared if i really pissed you off, but no, i’m not scared of you. why do you ask?”

“you never look me in the eyes. or my brothers, actually.”

oh. you’d been hoping no one had noticed. “oh, i just don’t like eye contact. it makes me uncomfortable.” you return your eyes to your paper, hoping that was enough.

“how so?” 

so it wasn’t enough.

“i’m autistic, genius. i figured it was obvious by now.”

“oh. that makes sense.” that’s all he says, so you try to return your focus to your homework.

satan is probably the most comfortable talking to you about it. he’ll ask you questions about your personal experiences and make an effort to understand you better

one day you look over his shoulder to find him reading an article on masking on his DDD

he cares deeply for you, even if it’s hard for him to say so

asmo has wrangled you into yet another shopping trip

“MC, look at this!! you have to try it on!”

one look at the article of clothing and your face is already scrunching up

“absolutely not.”

“awe, why not?” he gives you the biggest puppy eyes and you sigh. he knows your weaknesses.

“the material. i hate it.”

“but it would look so good on you~”

clearly, he’s not going to give up unless you explain yourself to him

“sure, for a couple seconds, until i have a complete meltdown,” you remark. “i’m autistic, so some textures just make me feel really bad.”

his mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, and then he goes back to looking confused. “i hadn’t even thought about that as a possibility! you should’ve said something earlier!”

he feels really bad about all the times he’s touched you without warning. he thought your shock was cute (and he still does), but he knows that autistic people sometimes dislike touch - he’s definitely had at least a couple autistic ‘partners’ in the past

he’s quite the observant demon, quickly picking up on sensations you d and don’t like. if you’re bothered by smells, he does his best to lay off on the perfume - granted, it’s a necessary part of his routine that he absolutely cannot give up completely. he lets you play with the dimmer in his room so you can find the amount of light that works best.

occasionally, he’ll have to tell you that he’s trying his absolute best to flirt and you are giving him nothing. you’re just like “oh shit i didn’t realize”

asmo’s just a sweetheart who wants you to be comfortable

beel unfortunately has to learn about your autism because of a situation out of your control

you’re in the gym, keeping him company while he works out

you’re searching his bag and you realize you don’t have your headphones

oh fuck.

you always bring your headphones to the gym; the sounds of televisions, music, people talking, weights clinking, treadmills rumbling... it’s too much

not to mention the stench of sweat and the florescent lights - truly an autistic person’s nightmare

you squeeze you eyes shut, but that only makes the noise worse. you’re surrounded by noise and you can’t stop it. it occurs to you that you’re no longer breathing properly but it’s just too loud and you’re so small

“MC?” beel’s voice is soft and filled with obvious concern. you open your eyes, seeing him kneeling in front of you. your eyes sting, and you realize you’re tearing up. “MC, are you alright?” 

all you can do is shake your head

“do you want to go home?” you nod, biting your lip as he stands up, making you feel even smaller.

he quickly packs his things into his bag and offers you a hand, helping you get up

he quickly escorts you outside, where you practically gulp for air. 

he waits patiently with you while you slowly ground yourself. 

“okay, let’s go home.” you explain sensory overload as you walk, then tell him about your autism

beel, like asmo, is very observant and he learns surprisingly fast. 

he’s also very protective of you. if someone triggers you, he won’t hesitate to tell them off before doing a grounding exercise with you

he’s basically you’re giant therapy demon and you love him for it

it’s becoming way too much. you’ve been masking heavily for months, monitoring your every move while doing your absolute best to thrive in a (literally) completely different universe than what you’re used to

you’re laying facedown on the couch, practically unable to move. you want to go to your room, but your body won’t let you

“mc?” you hear belphegor’s voice. “are you trying to imitate me?” he teases

you simply groan in response, not wanting to bother

for a moment he goes silent. then, you feel a hand on your shoulder

you jolt up, swiping his hand away as you let out a small shout. belphie’s eyes are widened in surprise

“don’t touch me! ...please,” you add as an afterthought, feeling bad for scaring him

he sits with you on the couch, taking care to leave space between the two of you. “what’s wrong?” you don’t respond. “mc?”

“burnout. too much. feel bad.”

belphie has absolutely no clue what that means, but he figures he knows something that might help.

“want to take a nap with me?”

you have to think about it before responding with a “sure” and slowly crawling into his arms (if that’s something you’re okay with)

it’s night when the two of you wake up. you still feel awful, but you can at least cope better.

once belphie’s more awake, he asks you what the hell happened

“two words: autistic shutdown”

“that doesn’t explain anything” - belphie really doesn’t know anything about humans

you do your best to explain - you were born with a brain that works a bit differently than most humans. some of the symptoms are an aversion to change and ‘odd’ behavior that’s difficult to hide. when you get too stressed, you just kinda ‘shut down’

he takes a bit to really understand, but once he does, he does his best to support you.

he falls asleep to your infodumping and you find it endearing

he gets good at recognizing when you’re starting to shut down and he always convinces you to take a break via a cuddly nap

[luna-ie-dreams]

Could you do headcanons for anyone of your choice comforting their s/o who feels demotivated and burned out (I had to drop college b/c tuition got too high :'] )

Ohhh I love this one! And for bnha? You got it! I have a few in mind that would be good for this! (I’m so sorry to hear about your college situation but I totally understand ;-;) 

【 Bnha s/o x burned out! gender neutral Y/n 】

Iida:

This boy is constantly aware of your emotional state

He can tell if you have mood changes but won’t press you unless you tell him what’s wrong

He will always be checking up on you and asking if everything is ok

But the one day you actually tell him that you are losing motivation and on the brink of a burnout, he will instantly drop everything

He’ll politely ask you to stop working, studying, or whatever task you have

 Sits you down on the couch while prepping a movie for later

He’ll ask if you want anything to eat or want to take a hot bath

After that he’ll bring you a pile of blankets while placing himself close to you

 During the movie he’ll constantly be reassuring you if you need, or rub circles in your back to relieve any stress you may have

If you’re burnout is majorly bad, he’ll cradle you and hum to drown out anything bothering you

Kirishima:

You’ll have to be a bit more straight-forward with Kiri

But overall when he notices he makes up for it in a sweet way

Kiri will validate and tell you its okay to feel burned out 

With your permission he’ll drag you away from your work and ask what you would like to do or go

His mission is to absolutely make you feel pampered to take your mind off

Whether that means cuddling or taking you out somewhere

Would display affection majorly, just peppers you with kisses

And if it’s really bad he quietly talk with you about anything to keep you engaged and off of the stress

Jiro:

She’s not the best when it comes to comforting

Probably worrying if she’d upset you in anyway

She sees first hand of how much you overwork

Practically knew a burnout was bound to happen

With what she lacks in words, she’ll play music or even strum on guitar

Hoping to soothe you with the music

She’ll snuggle up to you and play with your hair

Maybe order what you’d want to eat for dinner

If it’s really bad she’ll ask you to rest with her and play some sleep playlists, maybe even softly singing you to sleep

Izuku (Deku):

This boy would be worried out of his mind

As analytical as he can be, he wouldn’t be aware of your mood status

When you open up to him about the stress and burnout finally

He feels his heart break a tiny bit that you are feeling that way

When it comes to comforting he’s a simple guy

He’s bad at cooking but he’d try making your favorite food

Full on protective boy, he won’t let anyone mess with you while you’re stressed

Will cuddle and nap with you

If your stress is really bad, he’ll plug in some headphones and rub your back softly

Will constantly praise you for your hard work and reassure you that you’re fine

Headcanons completed! If there’s a specific character you guys wanna read about just ask me in my inbox! But I chose the characters I think would fit pretty well (but overall everyone could fit depending lol) 

I hope you guys like what I came up with! <33

[bazz-a]

Hi, I am a new fanfic writer and I really love your work especially because you are one of the few writers that can take the Naruto world to a modern setting and do it well. I would love to know your do's a don'ts for fic writing. Like what turns you away from a fic immediately and tips about process, would be super helpful! Thank you and I look forward to reading more of your works!

hey!!!! first of all thank you so much for your kind words, I’m smiling like an idiot! I was really nervous about starting off my fanfiction career with a modern AU because I know the majority of the fandom doesn’t like that, so it’s good to know I’m doing a good job with it and still managing to be faithful to the characters!!!

ohhh god ok! so, I’m really new to the world of fanfiction too! I only started reading for real about one year ago, and I only started writing (fanfiction) in last July. I’ve been writing for eleven years ago, though, although I only shared it with a very select group of friends who also wrote and we kinda created stories with OCs, you know? and that’s soooo different from fanfiction in a sense that I never received ANY feedback for my writing from my friends since we only just did it to have fun and never published it anywhere, and I was freaking OUT when I decided to write this story. I didn’t know if my writing style was good enough for fanfiction (now I know there is absolutely no such thing, we all write differently and that’s the beauty of it), I didn’t know if I would be able to ignore negative comments, and many other things that were giving me a lot of anxiety. but I’m really really glad I decided to go through with it and I’m really happy you’re doing it too!!!! putting your writing out there is really scary but it’s really rewarding too!

ok now when it comes to tips! I think the biggest dos and don’ts I can give you are also huge cliches, but with these few months since I’ve started sharing my work I started realising how real and important they are: first of all, you write for YOURSELF above EVERYTHING else! it’s always ok to put stuff your readers wanna see and all (and they always appreciate it), but please never ever ever refrain from writing about stuff you love in fear of what people are gonna say/think about it! that’s the most important part of it, I think, doing it for your own pleasure and your own tastes above all else. that’s when our best work comes out and the passion you put into writing always shows, you know? also, something that I’ve learned since I’ve started this project and I’m still trying to deal with is: you’re always your biggest critic. and at the same time that that’s good, it is also bad. the amount of times I’ve tried to convince myself I’m doing a shit job and that I suck at this are way higher than they should be, and honestly if it weren’t for my friends who are also on this whole thing with me I’m pretty sure I would’ve dropped running out of reasons. so yeah, always listen to yourself and your desires, write what YOU want to write, but don’t listen to yourself if your subconscious starts trying to talk you out of it. I don’t know if you have friends that you include in this fandom part of your life but it’s always good to count on people for support! if not, you can count on me to hype you up! for real, I’m always here and I’d love to help with whatever I can

when it comes to tips about writing, I’m afraid that’s all I can give you! write the story the way you know you would enjoy it if you read it, your passion will always be appreciated!

when it comes to what turns me away from a fic... well there’s not much, honestly. when it comes to grammar and stuff I’m super tolerant and understanding because I’m not a native English speaker and I know the struggle (once I received a review saying I should use Grammarly bc some of my prepositions were wrong and honestly that made me so so so bad, you know?). I do know that whenever I open a fic that has no paragraph breaks it freaks me out a little bit (it’s only happened twice but I was SHOOK ahahah), but I’m pretty sure that’s all for me. 

when it comes to plot, sometimes I don’t finish a fic if it crosses a line for me. in my case it usually happens in very specific situations such as one specific fic that started dealing with non con, which I am not comfortable with, so it made me close the tab and never open it again. still, I would never say a word about it to the author because that’s the thing about fanfiction, writers have the right to write about whatever they want, and readers have the right to read about whatever they want. I hate it when someone feels the need to inform the writer that they stopped reading bc of “reasons”, bc I feel like that truly has the potential to unmotivate the creator and that’s never, ever good.

also, it really sucks to see the stats of my fic and know that the amount of people who stop reading in the first chapter is REALLY big, but at the same time it’s ok that what I wrote it’s not their cup of tea. it’s just impossible to make everyone happy, I guess, and that’s a hard pill to swallow.

now tips about process!!!!! oof now you’ve got me.... I’m terrible at processes in general. honestly. I’m terribly disorganised in every single aspect of my life, and I’ve always been that way, but somehow that’s the way I function (under complete and absolute chaos). if you’re a person who likes to stick to deadlines and feel more motivated that way, then feel free to set them on yourself! I’d also like to add that no matter what process you choose, whether organised or not, with deadlines or not, please please please be kind to yourself! I’m telling you this because I am NOT kind to myself and I know how shitty that is and I don’t want you going through the same thing! writer’s block happens, burnout happens, and sometimes you just don’t wanna write and that’s perfectly ok!

I’m SO sorry for how huge this turned out to be! I got really carried away. I hope I was able to help you at least a little, and I’d love to read your work when you publish it!!! please share it with me, ok? also, remember that I’m always here if you want support <3

[universal-kitty]

Commission for @robotarmjokes!! Based on prompt 12 from this ask meme.    “Look into my eyes, what do you see?”

Commissions are still open! Check my prices [Here].

   On one hand, the lighter workload was nice. Things had mostly calmed down for Atlas and whether it would be a false sense of security or a true moment of peace didn’t matter to Rhys much...or DL, honestly. A break was a break and they needed it more than anything else right now. Even if it was just a short time, some time to get her head back together would be much appreciated.

   If she was gonna be honest with herself... The work she’d gotten buried in recently? Well, without a proper break, the anxiety of recent times had skyrocketed. Should she be taking breaks? Probably! But what was a little more paperwork? A little more keystrokes to finish up the most recent report... It always didn’t seem to be like such a bad thing until D found herself waking up in the morning still feeling like she’d been working overnight, anyways. That should’ve been a sign of a breakdown to come, but... Well.

   D was a notoriously hard worker, after all. Even her husband would find himself hard pressed to get her to lay off... Though what else would he be doing with his free time?

   When he met her for lunch, it was a pleasant day on Pandora. A rare occasion, indeed; it wasn’t considered the “murder planet” for no reason, after all! To find a day where it was quiet, the sun warm instead of blistering, and only the sound of wind? No gunshots? Lucky day! At least, Rhys was sure of the feeling, even if D seemed a little spacey, hand in hand as they walked over to a different part of Atlas that... Well, it MIGHT look like shopping mall, but-! That was totally not his intent! Don’t look at him like that!!

   “...but that’s when I realized how balmy the weather was! I didn’t know Pandora could have decent temperatures,” he prattled on, completely unfazed by D’s quiet nature today. He was a rambler by nature, she liked it, and until she said otherwise, he’d keep this train a’going. “I mean, maybe I would’ve if I checked in with R&D more, but why? Aren’t they the ones who are supposed to be giving me papers? Why should I have to go down there...?” A pause. “Well, suppose it might because I have a stack of papers on my desk, but maybe emails would be better, right? What else is the ECHOnet for?!”

   “Hmm,” D hummed, assuring her rambling husband he was being listened to. It wasn’t a full listen, but there was this report of a notable gang leader who’d moved into the system a few weeks ago, so if she could fill out two more sections when she got back and then have a personal recon mission to get in the loop, then perhaps--

   “...though I think the craziest thing I’ve heard all day- heh- was that one of my accountants, right? Apparently, he’d been trying to siphon money from me to his own personal bank! Which... He didn’t get far, obviously. The coding nerds- that’s what I call ‘em now; we’re all friends, really- upgraded my stuff, so after a certain point, I was notified of it. Got the money back, he’s fired...but man. I don’t wanna know what’s gonna become of that guy! He’s just lucky he got fired this morning... Afternoon’s nice, so maybe he’ll get lucky? Ah, who knows... I just know we’re gonna have a delicious treat and I’ll get to see how gorgeous you’re looking today~!”

   It was only when he looked over- happy, oblivious smile on his face- did Rhys realize the full extent of how out of it DL was. It was an uncommon sight to be sure...but not the first time he’d seen that blank, distantly-focused gaze of his overworked baby. Usually something was wrong elsewhere for her to work so hard... Guilt gut-punched him; did he miss something? Was she okay???

   “D? DL? Baaaby??” A small noise sounded in her throat, blinking a few times before looking up at him curiously, obviously refocusing to reality. “You okay? You’re...really spaced out. Things okay? You need some time off?” That brought some light into her eyes, shaking her head quickly.

   “Oh, nah! I’m alright, but... I ‘unno. Too many papers, I guess.” She shrugged rather sheepishly, prompting Rhys to give a short, soft laugh. Hey, as long as she was okay... That eased his heart a little.

   “Sounds like you needed this break, then! Let me schedule a break for us both then, alright? Give you a little more time to kick back.”

   “But the new bloke-!”

   “-Can wait,” Rhys interrupted, looking down at D with a patient, warm smile. An attempt to comfort and assure her that the work really could wait. “You need the break, sweetheart. Let me spoil my wife a little, alright?”

   ...Somehow, she wanted to believe him, but had a terribly bad feeling in her gut.

------

   Surprisingly, he picked the place well. Decent menu selection for something both light, yet filling, and with takeout cups so when it came time to leave, they could just waltz out with their drinks and continue the idle chatter. D had started to join in a bit more, talking about the recent resident currently being pried open for secrets...and some shenanigans with friends around the company.

   “Sounds like you’ve been busy,” he hummed, pride evident in his voice. D flushed a gentle pink, shrugging.

   “Ya think? I still feel like I’ve been doing a whole load of nothing... Paperwork gets done an’ all that, but I feel like I haven’t done enough. Ya know?”

   “I think I do.” Rhys nodded, staring out at the walkway ahead before his gaze shifted down to his wife. “But that’s not true at all! We’ve both been doing a lot of work this past month. A break to prevent burnout is something we both need.”

   “Oh, I don’t-” D’s arm lurched out, all too late remembering her cup was in hand...and it crashed to the floor, remains of her drink spilling out across the pristine white floors. Shock had her staring at the splash of color, mouth slightly open as her brain tried to catch up to the image...

   “Whoops! Guess we’ll need to get someone to clean that up, huh? You want to go back and get another cup or are...you.....” Rhys turned to look at D, forgetting his voice the second he saw tears. Tears?!? What happened??? “Baby? Why are you crying? Did you get hurt?”

   “Huh?” It suddenly occurred to her that, yes, her vision blurred heavily and tears were slipping down her face. The straw that broke the back of the broker...was dropping her stupid cup on the ground and spilling it. A wave of burning shame overcame her, sniffling harshly as she lowered her head and began to cry in embarrassment and stress; a bundle from the overwork she’d been going through from the past month.

   “Ohhh, baby...” His voice was a soft, desperate croon, shuffling quietly for a moment before a loud thwack sound was heard, arms gently wrapping around her body seconds after. “It’s okay... It’s tough right now, I know... Cry it out, okay?” Honestly the last thing DL would’ve liked to do, but it was kinda hard to stop crying once she started. Especially after the strain all this had been...

   Rhys was ever-patient, though, standing there with her and even swaying side to side comfortingly. What sounded like footsteps passed by sometimes, but they said nothing, so D pretended they weren’t there. Better to think she might have some audio issues than face the reality of actual people baring witness to this hot mess.

   “Feeling a little better?” A question only asked when she was down to sniffles and rubbing the heel of her palm against her eyes instead of using his jacket. She could only really shrug, though; kinda sorta? Not entirely? Definitely felt tired, but... Better was questionable, for now. 

   “It’s a start,” he reassured her. “Now can we get another step done...? Can I see your pretty face~?” A shake of the head and a soft, surprised gasp. (He was being dramatic to get her to smile. Despite herself, her heart skipped a beat in hope.) “No?? But... But my pretty wife... My gorgeous baby, love of my life, light of a million stars-!” D snorted, face warming when his hand moved up, trying to slip his fingers under her chin to tilt her head up.

   “Babe, c’mon... Look at me... Look into my eyes, what do you see?” DL slowly looked up at him, hesitant, but curious. Meeting those eyes... It was still hard not to blush like he was her first crush in some cheesy romance novel. How was she supposed to resist, though?! Soft brown and radiant yellow... He just was super enchanting all the time and a handsome cheat to boot because of it. (How many times did that glow of his yellow ECHO eye steal her breath away??? Too many times to count, really.)

   “Um... A really intent stare?” Not her wisest answer, but all she really had with her husband being so dang distracting!! Got him to laugh, at least, face blushing a little brighter at the warm, bubbly sound.

   “Well, that and lots of affection for you, D. You’re an amazing person, a hard worker, and my beloved wife. You gave so much to me and give so much to my company to boot... Just... Don’t overwork yourself for this place, okay? You help me reign back when I get too invested in stuff, so... Let me do the same for you?”

   His eyes were so soft and sincere, now. Almost pleading- no, wait, definitely pleading- and even though D wanted to pull out every excuse from her book of why she should keep working ‘til her hands fell off... She sighed, instead. “Alright, ya got me... I can’t say no to that pout!”

   “Yes~! I depend on it’s success and I’m glad it still works.” He laughed joyously at his little victory, giving D a quick kiss before standing back up to full height. Such a dork...but D was long used to it. Long accepted it, too! Though turning to face her earlier accident, the one that triggered this breakdown in the first spot...

   “...Babe?”

   “Yeah?”

   “Did you really throw your cup on the ground with mine?” On the ground, two cups...the bigger of the two spills from Rhys’ cup, still clearly labeled on the side. He was silent for a moment, staring at it, then shrugged helplessly.

   “I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t want to leave you to find a trash can, so I just...figured I’d do what you did. It was out of my hands and now...you’re not the only one who spilled their drink! So-!!” He was trying so hard to justify himself...and it made D laugh a little. Not feeling up to par yet, but definitely on the track to feeling better. By the way Rhys perked up, he noticed it, too.

   “You’re so weird,” she mused, taking his hand.

   “And yet, you married this weirdo,” he replied, beaming as they carefully stepped through the spilled drink chaos on the floor. “The weirdo who’s totally about to hear it from janitorial, but hey, worth it.” Another laugh from D, watching as he used his arm to call up said department for cleanup...and didn’t let go of her hand as they went up to the offices and towards the CEO office.

   “Wait, but work-”

   “No more for you today! You can finish tomorrow...or something. CEO says you get naptime on my cushy couch and then- once I do a paper or two of my own- we’ll do something nice... Think you could trust me with your stovetop?”

   “Not after that incident with the fish,” D grumbled, unable to stay so grumpy when he laughed so brightly.

   “You got me there! Ordering out it is, then. Put on a nice movie...” He shrugged. “I think we’re gonna get the perfect off day.” D watched him a moment longer, admiring the curve of his jaw and the tattoo on his neck. She wanted to say something like “every day with you is the perfect day off,” but maybe that was too cheesy... She’d sure think about it for the rest of the week, though.

   Cause ever since she’d taken this job, it’d been nothing but worth it. Even at times like these...and all because of her dorky, CEO-of-Atlas husband.

[favourthebeloved]

S E L F I M P O S E D P R E S S U R E There's a lot of discussion about peer and societal pressure, but this gets little or no attention.

Self imposed pressure- This is the one where you put pressure on yourself by yourself.

This happens due to a great level of self awareness and it is hard to recognize.

When you know you can do more, can be better, deserve better and can be more, it makes you never want to settle for the crumbs of God’s vision for your life and ohhh..God has assured you that you can do everything through him that energizes you so you know, the world is yours to conquer.

Your focus on your journey and minding your business, because you are aware that nothing is impossible if you set your mind to it.

Some of the symptoms include: Overwhelm, the feeling of underperforming below your potentials, burnout, mental and emotional stress, lack of sleep.

Third parties like pressure from the media may also add a tiny drop to this.

To remedy this: First, you need to learn to be kind to yourself. You need you to do all you want to do so take care of you. Understand the season of your life and what you should be doing now.

Sounds cliché, but take it one step at a time. Be grateful for how far you have come while you reach out for more. Stop being just big-picture oriented, be present in the minute details of your life now.

Have you ever experienced this and how were you able to contain it? Let’s get talking in the comments.

[sungwanns]

(゜o゜) ohhh mah - okay first of all thank you so much for adding pictures of seungmin and han. THOSE TWO LOOK SO GOOD! i don't think i've seen those pics of your boy jisung yet either, so thank you for gracing my eyes. add me to your list of believers in TOP jisung supremacy btw - that era was just top (heh) notch for him. coincidentally tho, if god's menu is what made me fall for hyunjin, TOP is what secured minho his #1 spot how can a boy look so pretty just staring at the camera??

oh and full agree with red being felix's color - it really makes him stand out. HAHAHA with how gorgeous they all look, i guess they can pull off any outfit anywhoos.

speaking of merch and just PCs in general, who'd you get with your christmas evel?? ahhh thank you for sending the minho/hyunjin pulls my way too! funnily enough tho i always seem get at least one (1) jisung thing per album, like a PC or something else. i guess i really do relate to him HAHAHA (I AM YOU han? (≧◇≦)) either way i take that a compliment - he's a great guy.

ahh that sounds like an adventure tho. waking up, freaking out about the new MV, then going right to sleep. have you had dreams about skz yet?

oh and can i just say, the way you encountered them is so cool! i love how you actually wrote it down, looked them up, and fell down the rabbit hole hahaha. "IF SKZ WANTS YOU THEY WILL FIND YOU" << this is so true i wish i could have heard this earlier... i, uhh, actually went through a phase of denial where all i kept saying was "i'm not a stay, but - *says/does something a stay would do*" (not one of my proudest moments (;・∀・)）but after i finally accepted it, it was like i rushed to catch up with the rest of the fans...i still have a lot of catching up to do tbh.

oh wow, you're so young!! and AHH THE BRACES - HE WAS (and still is) ADORABLE! you can totally say you grew up with him - it must feel like watching a friend evolve and get better at their craft. i hope you meet/speak to him (and the rest of the gang) someday...or have you already?

oohh zettai kareshi! are you watching the japanese or the korean version? i started the manga sometime ago but never finished it...maybe i should now. or at least watch the drama version XD and i totally get you with the episode burnout. you need the time to process all the feels. ohh and well intended love! i've seen the first season, but didn't realize there was a second...is it good? as far as drama recommendations go, i totally recommend extra-ordinary you. without spoiling much, it's a drama focusing on the 'extras'/ background characters of the typical kdrama/shoujo manga and i just love how it subverts the usual tropes. the non-kdrama that i'm watching now is arcane on netflix (i follow a lot of LoL esports), which i also recommend even if you're not into league. the story is so good and the way the characters were written really hits in the feels XD

oohh that's a tough question...i guess off the top of my head, i'd love to see all of them try out (and maybe even put their own spin on) the choreography to JO1's OH-EH-OH. the choreo has a lot of domino effects and moves that require multiple members to pull off so i'd love to see a skz version also JO1 is one of my ults so that collab would kill me what about you - what's your fantasy skz cover?

(also this is kinda awkward and i probs should've asked this first, but what name do you prefer to go by? (・・;)）

Omg!! you’re so welcome! i thought it would be much easier to just add pictures than to try and describe the outfits LMAO and i totally don’t blame you!! Like the styling in both of those eras is just !! 🧑🏼‍🍳💋 I absolutely adore the colors in Top too!! But fr minho is so handsome it’s just simply unfair 😭

But unfortunately my album is still on its way!! Sometimes they take a little bit to come in but that’s okay!! it shouldn’t take much longer and i’ll let you know when it comes in!! I’m so jealous!! I like never pull jisung!! I get seungmin a decent amount and for their last album i got like seungmin everything i was in heaven Jisung hates me KAHDKSJ but funnily enough i almost always pull hyunjin!! Hyunjin said tall buddies 🤝 LMAO but felix is right up there too !! i guess we really just do attract our twins!! Speaking of albums and stuff i was just looking at the teasers for the seasons greetings and … UGH it looks so good i really need to collect some money …

it is an adventure LMAO it’s kinda exhausting but totally worth it bc then when i wake up at my regular time i get to listen to it again and there are parts that i already forgot about and then listening to it in the car !!! a whole new experience!! I have had multiple skz dreams LMAO mostly felix talking to you is making me realize how much my subconscious loves him and a lot of chan too!!

Ah!! thank you haha im shocked i remembered to look them up as well !! but after that i saw the lyrics to grow up in someone’s bio somewhere LMAO and i was like they’re out to get me … KAHDKSJ so then i really had to do some serious research and now they have me in a chokehold 😭 I encountered them so many times in such a short span they were not about to let me go i just had to accept my fate LMAO but HAHA that’s okay!! I’m not sure about you but i stan a decent amounts of groups so sometimes i’m in denial too when i find a new one bc im like i REALLY don’t need to stan anymore 😭 and don’t worry too much about it!! they let out so much content that i’m constantly behind too LMAO i think stays are all just struggling together

Oh!! haha thank you!! I’m the youngest in my family but im always the oldest in my irl friend groups bc of how grades work and since i was born in july haha so i don’t hear that much anymore!! And strangers always tell me i look older than i am but i think that’s just the height and the slight rbf🥲 He was so adorable with his braces 😭 i remember when he got them off and he was so smiley 🥲🥲 but yeah sometimes i look at him and he just looks so mature and i’m like !! we’ve come so far innie 🥲 Oh!! well i actually had hi touch with them two different times but the lines move kinda fast so you don’t get to say a whole lot!! But uh the most memorable was me telling chan i loved him sm but he INSISTED on holding this intense eye contact with me but i am so bad with eye contact it makes me so nervous when regular people do it not to mention chan 😭 So i kinda glanced over to the next member for help and it was felix and he kinda LAUGHED at me ?? LMAO AKDKWHS I think he could tell how nervous i was bc he smiled and nodded at me and told me it was okay :(( God it was so embarrassing but lixie is so sweet 🥲

Oh i’m watching the korean version!! I didn’t even realize there were multiple!! It just showed up on my hulu and i started watching it LMAO but yes the second season of well intended love is really good i think!! it’s like they meet again in another life and it has a lot of the same tropes but the roles are reversed but i really like it bc i like seeing how the other person would act in said situation!! WHAT that sounds so good i’ll have to check it out !! i always have a slight soft spot for background characters/extras so im sure i’ll love it!! Ive heard of acarne too but i never really knew much about it!! I’ll have to look into it! Thank you for the recommendations!! :DD

Okay so my fantasy cover!! we all know seungmin is a huge day6 fan and covers their stuff but i would give ANYTHING to hear him cover the rose !! like i think his voice would fit covering woosung’s so well i just !!! I especially would like to hear She’s in the rain, I don’t know you, or Candy!! And for woosung’s solo work i would LOVE to hear him cover Face too!! Oh but red velvet is my other ult so anything by them would be amazing too!! Hyunjin covering wendy’s part in psycho and they have like the same hair and he pulled off that high part so well even with not even being a main vocal I lost my mind!! his POWER

Oh!! no worries!! 🥰 My name is clare but you can call me that or bear whatever you prefer or is easier to remember haha <3 What should i call you!!

Also do you associate the members with any colors?💙

[osamusriceballs]

We'll start our test this November. I'll start studying more about it after our sembreak. Tomorrow is our last day before the break, so I'm glad I can finally take a break. I really want to rest because these past few days, I think I've been experiencing burnout? I hope that next week, I'll be back to my usual self :D Also, I haven't tasted Marzipan('ll do my best to follow your advice!). Eve, it's ok! Our taste buds are different so not every food for you is delectable. I hope you're fine—

after your teacher caught you 😳 And sorry if I reminded you that experience(I had a similar experience too😅) so I know how it feels. Love you too!! I'll fix my eating and drinking schedule this week :D - Cine

I just remembered that my aunt lives in Germany 😂 I don't where exactly in the country, but when the time comes, I'll go there because there's a possibility she'll invite my mother to visit Germany. I'll just tag along :D - Cine

——————————

CINE!! 🥺💖 I hope you could get some rest and relax- you really deserve it 🥺 you‘re so young, I don’t want you to get a burnout at your age- youth should not have to face the bad sides of life so early 🥺 so, you know it already: but your health always comes first!! And if you value your health, you‘ll keep a healthy distance to marzipan (sry, that one was- not even a joke ahhh) 😫 do you feel a bit better after the weekend? 🥺

You had a similar experience too? 👀 do you want to share it with me? 💖 and don’t worry- I‘m totally fine with that experience now, it‘s more like a funny story 😂💖

OHHH, that’s amazing!! Does she also speak German? AND YOU NEED TO TELL ME WHEN YOU‘RE HERE, I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING!! 💖

LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH!! 💖 pls take good care of yourself!! Don‘t make me worry 🥺

[sobdasha]

I know tomorrow’s ep is gonna ruin me

so I might as well start a ~thoughtful post~ about it ahead of time.

Specifically, the thing I anticipate wrecking me the most is that Tohru's "let's go home" speech to Kyou isn't a love-and-acceptance speech.

It's a fuck-you speech.

I wanted to do a meta post about this because while this is a very powerful moment and gives me very powerful feels, I've also always kind of not got it? Like what makes this moment with Tohru special? Because she's scared? Other people were scared too, the fact that they tried to deny it kind of proves how scared they were. And Kyou said she didn't have to love everything and she kind of basically said "too bad I love everything anyway" so how was that a compelling argument? Everyone else here (Kazuma, Kagura) has behaved selfishly so why does Tohru's selfishness fix the problem?

Like with that Hiro post, I figure if I just keep pondering and typing eventually I'll figure it out and go "oh snap Takaya's brilliant"

Anyway.

I've always been tempted to read Tohru's "let's go home" speech to Kyou as a love-and-acceptance speech. Which is a waste of a good resource, and a huge disservice, because thinking that way tends to reduce Tohru to the Mary Sue stereotype that Hiro accuses her of being--all Tohru has to do is stand there and say a few nice things and suddenly everyone's problems melt away? Seriously?

((Doing more skimming research later in this post, it turns out I'd completely forgotten that Akito and Kyou literally have a whole conversation about this, where Akito's like "wow St. Tohru is unreal" and Kyou's like "you literally missed the point tho." My bias for Yuki as favorite character instead of Best Boy Kyou is unfortunately strong, guys.))

Which is probably why I find the True Form arc to be a bit forgettable when I don't have it open in front of me. And also why I've always found it a little illogical. While I love the end results, why is this particular love-and-acceptance speech, at this specific time, actually effective for Kyou?

Kyou's received a lot of love-and-acceptance speeches in his life, and to be quite honest he doesn't believe them. He has no faith in them. And he's got logic here.

Kyou's mother always told him she loved him, she loves her son, she's proud of her son, you're not a monster you're just...under an evil spell temporarily, and I'm not scared at all. She talked the talk, but Kyou was always sensitive to the fact that her actions didn't necessarily match her words (she was always, always scared, I think. Maybe a bit of Kyou, but mostly of her husband). And when it became too much and she gave up on herself and her future and took her own life, well. Kyou knew exactly how empty "love and acceptance" was.

Kagura was the first one to play with Kyou when they were kids, and she's devoted her life to telling Kyou that she loves him, she loves everything about him. But when she saw Kyou's True Form she ran away, kept her distance for a while, and then came back and pretended nothing had ever happened and restarted her dating campaign with a vengeance. It's not clear to me whether Kyou ever realized that Kagura started paying attention to him out of pity, but I suspect it's something he's pretty good at picking up on.

Kazuma adopts Kyou out of a mix of pity and an attempt to atone for his past behavior, like Kagura, and honestly I'd forgotten that Kyou literally says a couple of times that he suspects pity was a factor. But their relationship grows beyond that pity, even Kyou is sensitive to that, and it's not something he holds against Kazuma. So I'm sure Kazuma gives Kyou plenty of earnest love-and-acceptance speeches, given that he loves and accepts his son. But even so it's complicated for Kyou, and those speeches can't make Kyou love and accept himself.

Tohru, of course, gives all the Soumas plenty of love-and-accepting speeches, and Kyou is no exception, Kyou you have a plum on your back. This doesn't serve to make Kyou like himself so much as it serves to make Kyou like her.

This time, though. This time that's not the kind of speech Tohru gives Kyou. Look at Tohru's face, right as she turns around. She's determined and she's pissed.

This is a good character development for Tohru! I think this is her first real, stubborn attempt to be selfish without someone having pushed her towards it first.

Kyou has just hurt Tohru, physically and emotionally. Get the fuck away, he tells her. I can't stand you, he tells her. I don't ever want to see you again, he tells her, and if I do I'll take my claws to your face next time.

And Tohru starts to go. This whole thing is overwhelming and it's only been like 10 minutes and she hasn't processed at all yet. She's hurt, she's really hurt, but most of all she doesn't want to be a bother, she doesn't want to be a burden, she doesn't want to be hated, Kyou has clearly expressed his feelings and she should respect that.

And then Tohru stops and draws herself up and makes that face.

And runs back.

And grabs Kyou and tells him, fuck you, what about my feelings, come home. I literally don't understand what the fuck is going on, I'm sick and I'm scared and come home. I don't want you to give up on yourself, but you don't get to give up on me before you've even given me a chance to process this and decide if I'm okay keeping you in my life. And guess what, fucker, I still want you in my life so come home because I don't want to live in a house that doesn't have you in it. You told me to tell you that so listen. You have to return the favor and tell me when you're upset and let me care about you so just come home.

Obviously Tohru phrases it differently but I feel like that's the accurate gist of the hysterics lol.

Tohru doesn't say "oh it's okay I love you it's not...it's not that scary! Trust me!", which is a thing Kyou has learned not to trust.

Tohru says "I know this sucks but bitch what about me" which is, honestly, one of the things Kyou feels in regards to his mom that he's yet to unpack, so this really resonates with him. This is real.

(It's real and it's raw and Laura Bailey is going to destroy me and I can't wait to actually be debilitated by the True Form arc.)

I don't have a good transition but now I wanna talk about Kyou's relationship with pity

Pity in regards to Kyou is something that comes up a lot throughout the series. Kagura befriends Kyou out of pity so that she can feel good about herself. Kazuma pities Kyou after seeing the shit the Cat has to go through and takes him in. Kazuma worries that Tohru might only be with Kyou out of pity, like his grandmother towards his grandfather. I believe Shigure tells Tohru at one point "seriously did you really think we don't all know about Kyou and we aren't all pitying him and saying 'thank god it's not me, I'm getting off great compared to the Cat' to ourselves in secret?" And of course, Kyou himself says that he doesn't want or need Tohru's pity during the True Form confrontation.

Pity can be condescension and looking down on someone. Pity is something unequal, compared to compassion, something that might imply insult, something that's embarrassing to receive because it implies you can't get compassion on your own merits or your own level. And pity is something forced.

Thinking about this, I think Kyou can actually really relate to Rin (which might be part of why he was so jealous that she might take Shishou from him when Kazuma got concerned about her welfare, that similarity, in addition to the obvious fact that Kyou has just got a good thing and it's his good thing and don't take it from him). Rin's parents, presumably out of some combo of pride and pity and status, decided to force themselves to make a good show of being a happy family. And because they forced themselves to "love" Rin, it went to hell in a bullet train when it broke.

Kyou's mom went a similar-enough way. She tried to put on a show of normalcy, tried to force herself to be okay and say all the right, loving things to Kyou while her husband kept telling her that she'd shamed him, bad enough to have a cursed child but of all the Zodiac you gave birth to the cat monster, you should have died rather than have that child, we'd all be better off if you'd do us a favor and just die. And when the pressure got to be too much, she did just that.

So I think it's not unreasonable that Kyou might have separately come to the same conclusion that Rin does. Pity--forced love--breaks people. People who feel compelled to love you will get burnout and possibly explode and definitely have their lives ruined. (This is why Rin doesn't want to rely on Haru, doesn't want Yuki to rely on Haru, doesn't want anyone to rely on Tohru.)

This is, I think, half of why Kyou distances himself from people. Half of it is to protect himself, because obviously he doesn't like getting hurt. But half of it is to protect other people, because he doesn't want them getting hurt.

He does it with Tohru, trying not to get close to her (he already killed her mom, the least he could do is just never get involved with her again), trying to run her off during the True Form arc by hurting her so badly that she won't regret having nothing to do with him again. He does it to Kazuma, yelling "He's not my dad!" so people will stop saying the shit they associate with Kyou to Kazuma as well (directly after the True Form, Kyou levels up his character development and tells Kazuma that one day he'll be worthy of calling Shishou his dad in public, which is good, although the fact that Kyou still thinks he is currently not someone Kazuma can claim as a son without shame is a development Kyou will have to work on later).

And, ohhh shit, I'm pretty sure Kyou does this with Kagura too. Kagura says that Kyou is the first one to pull back after their own True Form incident (she later admits to herself that no, actually, the first one to pull away was her because she never invested herself in their friendship in the first place because pity). And that is probably, again, partly because Kagura freaked out and ran off and just left Kyou there, and Kyou doesn't want any further rejection from her. Partly because it probably got around, and Kyou's dad made sure Kyou's mom heard about it, and Kyou's mom tried to make peace by keeping a tighter rein on Kyou.

But before the incident, Kyou and Kagura are really good friends, and Kyou really enjoys being with her. After the incident, after they mutually avoid each other, after Kagura comes back around and pretends that nothing happened, after Kagura reaffirms that she loves Kyou no matter what, that's when Kyou starts pushing back for her to leave him alone.

Maybe it's just Kyou's usual touchiness and I'm reading too much into it. It's not terribly long after the incident that Kyou's mother ends her life, and Kyou's being blamed for it instead of being allowed to grieve, and he blames himself, and after that he's a different kid and he's really prickly and quick to anger around everyone except Shishou.

But I don't think it's unreasonable to put forward that Kyou still liked Kagura as a friend, and he saw how Kagura reacted, and pretending nothing was wrong was part of what killed his mom, and if he still likes Kagura as a friend then the best thing Kyou can do for her is to shove her forcefully away from him, over and over, until she stops associating with him and getting hurt because of it. Before she gets hurt badly.

Like I put somewhere in an earlier post, Kyou doesn't like Kagura romantically. He certainly doesn't like having his space violated and his feelings ignored. But he (grudgingly) lets her get a way with a lot that speaks to a certain tenderness towards her. Especially later, during Kagura's confession--he's not warm and he's not close and open to her, but he also listens to Kagura, he forgives her, he says thank you, and when she runs to him he lets her cry into his shirt until she's through. You aren't that accommodating to someone you don't care about.

(On the flip side, it occurs to me that--for all that Kagura is a jealous rival of Tohru for Kyou's love--Kagura doesn't come around and act like it much. As Tohru points out, Kagura's really been holding back. I think that Kagura's being honest when she adds at the end of her confession that she really did come to love Kyou after all. It's unrequited, and she's always known that, and she's been struggling with it since Tohru came into the picture. But I think deep down she does like Kyou enough to want him to be happy, and she's realizing that he might be able to be happy with Tohru in a way he can't be with Kagura, and it's super embarrassing and painful to have to admit that to herself, but she's been working on letting go even though she herself doesn't want to be doomed to a life of unloved loneliness, which is what she believes will happen if she lets go of Kyou. Kagura, like Hiro, has character development struggles that are mostly internal.)

Things I only just realized about Kyouru

I have talked before about the fact that Kyou and Tohru's relationship works because they can get to the heart of each other and really see each other and connect on the same level in a way no one else does with them. What I did not really think of, at the time, is that Kyou and Tohru are actually very similar. They actually have a very similar problem.

Which just goes to show my intense Yuki bias, because Kyou has flat-out said over and over again that he believes himself to be a burden and I guess I didn't notice??

And I've just spend so much time saying that this is Tohru's biggest anxiety.

They differ a bit in the execution. Tohru considers herself as starting off at a net zero, basically: she doesn't exactly think her existence is problematic, but she doesn't feel that she offers any worth or value to compensate for the efforts she takes from other people, so she's terrified of being a burden and thus causing people to resent and hate and reject her.

Kyou considers himself as starting off at a negative: he has nothing of any worth to offer to people around him, and he believes that just being around him is actively detrimental to other people, so he just assumes people naturally hate him and avoids everyone and pushes away people who try to get close to him, especially people he loves. (He makes some exceptions when he really really loves, like keeping Shishou at arm's length in some regards but basking in his dad the rest of the time, and giving into his fondness for Tohru even though he knows it's going to go bad.)

Tohru's had her worldview reinforced by being abandoned by a young and grieving Kyouko. Kyou's had his worldview enforced by being told that people who are kind to him die of it.

Kyou's mom loved him more than anyone; Kyou's mom died for him/died because it's his fault. Kyouko was nice to Kyou; Kyou's secret is safe at the cost of Kyouko dying from that car. The beads that keep sealed the Cat's true form are made from the bones and blood of a priest; the way people retell the story implies that Kyou straight-up murdered this guy ages ago, or at least that Kyou's taking advantage of a sacrifice that was forced and not willing. (I mean honestly it could go either way, but lately I've been thinking that it seems unlikely you'd go murder some holy guy to make some beads to seal up a cat monster that you hate when you could just murder the cat monster, don't tell me olden days Souma wouldn't just find that simpler; it seems to me like the sort of effort you'd go through for someone you actually cared minimally about, and that the priest probably devoted himself to holiness for just such a reason, probably offered to have a holy death and create a protective relic. Not that that would make Kyou feel any better.)

This probably ties back into the whole pity thing...Kyou doesn't want people to feel compelled to love him, to force themselves to love him, because not only do they not get any benefit but he has actively negative worth and it hurts people to be around him. Kyou, like Tohru, finds it hard to accept that people might not see it as a burden or a harm to be kind to him. That they might want to be kind to him and enjoy his presence. These children can't just let themselves take the damn donuts.

And that's probably the why of why Kyou, specifically, and not Yuki, is so good at noticing Tohru's issues and actively pushing her to be selfish. It's hard to help yourself, but it can be easier to see yourself in others and give them the advice that you yourself won't take. Let yourself be selfish and live a life that makes you happy. Complain when you need to. Let yourself have some donuts when donuts are being handed out, even if you don't think you deserve them/some jerks have told you you don't deserve them and you're a fake for taking a donut.

(I'm not sure Kyou's ever actually heard this bit, and I don't have time to unpack it right now, but uggghhh I just remembered that Tohru low-key blames herself for her mother's death as well. If she'd been more grateful...if she'd had her priorities straight and her mother was the most important thing in her life, more important than trying her best in school...if she'd just managed to say "Come home safe", then her mom wouldn't have died, and because she was an ungrateful daughter and didn't say it that one time she lost her mom. Nnnn my heart.)

Again I don't have a good transition, but as I think about all this I think I get why Kyou is able to accept Tohru's fuck-you speech as being a real and sincere thing he can depend on instead of instantly assuming it's pity. He's probably not thinking straight enough to realize that Tohru's just taken a level in character development and is being remarkably selfish and open about what she wants from him, not just yet.

But looking at Kyou's past experience with True Form reveals…

Kyou's mom tries to reassure Kyou that everything is fine and normal. She smiles and says all the right things and pretends not to be perturbed. Tohru, as Kyou notes, is clearly not fine about things, she's overwhelmed and sick and scared and clinging to him while shaking and crying. "Can't you see?! Smell?!" Kyou demands when Tohru doesn't instantly run off, but it's pretty clear she does because Tohru isn't smiling, isn't trying to pretend this doesn't bother her. She's undeterred, yes, but she's very bothered.

Kagura's scared too, when she sees, and Kagura runs away. Tohru's scared and she runs toward. Again, Tohru's not hiding her fear even if she's not letting her fear stop her, Tohru's not smiling her serene smile, Tohru clearly would rather run away and go "what the fuck?!?!?!" for a while before dealing with the fallout. Tohru's not a saint, Tohru's just slightly more scared that she'll never see Kyou again after this if she leaves now than she is of Kyou's true form. She's kind of almost passed through the other side of terror into desperation.

Tohru's biggest anxiety is that she'll be abandoned for being a burden, true, but Tohru also is terrified of being preemptively abandoned because the other person has decided they're a burden for Tohru. That's exactly what Hana tried to do in middle school. Hana tried to give up on Uo and Tohru.

"Give up on" isn't a phrase used in the True Form arc, but it comes up plenty elsewhere. Momiji says much later that he's done giving up on the Cat. More specifically, when Kyou's unpacking his complicated feelings about his mom and her death, he says at one point that he wishes she hadn't given up on herself and had stayed together with him. And since mom plays into the True Form arc (as does the "being together" sentiment), I feel it's valid to drag the "giving up on" idea into it as well.

Kyou tries to give up on Tohru--decides for himself that she'll reject him, so he rejects her first and pushes her away so she won't force herself to take pity on him and keep forcing herself to love him--and Tohru probably realizes that he's doing it, since she saw it before with Hana. She's determined to go back to Kyou because she's prioritizing her own wants, but I think probably the reason she also looks pissed is because she's realized Kyou's given up on her and she's not gonna let him get away with it.

I think Kyou wishes that he could cling to people, could have clung to his mom and told her not to give up, the way Tohru is clinging to him there. That he could admit that things suck and are scary and painful, but that he wants to keep clinging on regardless and staying together without anyone giving up, the way Tohru is doing right now. Instead of, like everyone else, pretending that shit is fine even though it sucks and it's scary and it's painful and then giving up on the people around him and keeping a distance.

Kyou recognizes what Tohru feels--and that what Tohru feels is sincere--because it's the same feelings he has about his mom. Which is why, even though it sounds a bit like a Saint Mary Sue love-and-acceptance speech, it's a fuck-you that hits Kyou right in the heart and makes Kyou feel accepted and understood for the first time in his life. Not because Tohru is perfect, but because Tohru is flawed and broken and a terrified mess.