#Pandas are fave through and through!

[madlyney]

Your best friend, Yuta Okkotsu

Best friend!Yuta, who buys you gifts like pendants, bracelets, and plushies, saying, “It reminded me of you!” 

Best friend!Yuta, whose hugs with you last a little longer than they should — not that you really mind, though. You wish that you could just stay in his embrace forever. 

Best friend!Yuta, who gets worried when he doesn't see you around campus. He immediately texts you, but only gets more anxious when you don't answer. Maki tells him you were in your dorm, as you have unexpectedly caught a cold. Toge believes that Yuta’s worry scale might have gone through the roof when he sees the latter running to your dorm at full speed. 

Best friend!Yuta nurses you back to health whenever you're sick or injured from missions, saying you're his responsibility no matter what (and that he would hate to see you suffer).

Best friend!Yuta, who realised how his heart seemed to beat faster whenever he was with you, or how his stomach would feel all funny, but not in a bad way. Or how he keeps recalling your smile and the sound of your laughter, which unconsciously also brings a smile to his lips. 

Best friend!Yuta, who rants all of his newly discovered feelings for you to Toge and Panda. The two eventually get tired of his endless ramblings and Panda tells him, “Just tell her,” to which Toge replies with “Salmon”. 

Best friend!Yuta, when he finally confesses to you, asks you, “may I please be your boyfriend?” (instead of the usual ‘will you be my girlfriend’ question.)

Best friendBoyfriend!Yuta, who can’t stop getting enough of you and keeps wondering how he’s managed to be with you. The poor boy sometimes wonders whether he’s good enough for you, to which you reassure him with lots of hugs and kisses, saying that yes, he’s more than good enough for you.

Boyfriend!Yuta, who just falls in love with you even more every single day.

Note: happy new year !! Sorry for not posting lately😔 I’ve had a lot on my plate, but I’ll go back to writing, woohoo! This is one of my fave works so far, enjoy !!<3

[theartofpixar]

"This was one of the most fun and exciting projects I've worked on at Disney Consumer Products. This movie meant a lot to me being a first generation immigrant who struggled with my Asian upbringing, culture, and what was expected of me. I felt a parallel with Mei and what she went through growing up in the 90's.

This was also one of the first projects that I got to collaborate with Consumer Products East coast character artist, Fabiola Garza. Definitely, an unforgettable experience for me. Below are some of my favorite pieces that I worked on.

This piece started out as one of my style explorations at the very beginning of this project. We didn't end up doing this style but this was used as an icon instead.

I had so much fun coming up with different ways to illustrate the characters. The beginning of projects are always the most fun!

More explorations.

This is the style that we ended up going with.

One of the things I really liked about working on Turning Red was the freedom to create poses that are not just smiling. Because Mei is a teenager with a wide range of emotions, we were able to do poses like this.

Miriam, Priya, and Abby remind me of my bestest best friends growing up <3

Who's my fave? Robaire and Tae Young! ^___^

I love the fact that there is a boyband in this movie. Here are some concepts I did.

Concepts for the hero pose that will be used on product packaging. The pose on the left is what was picked. We wanted to make sure that Mei and Panda would read as the same character so we had the human and panda take the same pose. Fabi rendered this.

More concepts."  – Kim Kha

[drago-is-me]

Oh lord my OWN birthday post...

I wonder how late I am to it... ah... 5 days late... </3

But, I still had a good birthday!!! :D

I wanted to thank everyone who drew me. :3 It made me so happy!

Also... Silly thanks to the people drawing my faves! :D

On a serious note...

My birthday records weren't always the best in the past.

But, this year its been really good for me and my birthday was phenomenal!

I am truly really grateful for everything that has happened to me and the people I've met this year...

So, I wanted to thank some mutuals and friends of mine!

@averyyy-furrr - You've always been one of those people I could never get rid of /loving.

Always with me through my highest days to all the way at the deepest pits of hell. I know I make fun of you a lot and I'm mean to you sometimes. But, I mean it in the best place in my heart.

I know I have a tendency to push people away but you always stayed throughout the years.

You changed me a lot and you taught me that there are other people out in the world that do love me.

I just hope I'm as good to you as you are to me because you remind me a lot of myself. So, I hope you know that I love you lots.

@z33z-nutz - What can I even say with you? My stupid evil twin...

I find it funny a lot how we used to hate each other at first. Well, and now we're practically inseparable.

You already know so much about me and I'm so happy you really do. Like how you knew I had such bad trauma in the past or how I've always had the hardest times expressing myself.

But, you always fought for me.

There's so much I can say, but nothing at the same time. I mean it in the best way possible.

We changed each other a lot and I want to keep living everyday like this with us together.

I love you, shitterbo.

@noodledrawsandstuff - I'm really glad I honestly worked up the courage to talk to you! I do really consider you a good friend of mine and I care for you a lot.

At the time I met you, I was going through a really hard and dark time of my life. But, talking to you made things better.

You make me laugh, giggle, and do stupid things. You're generally so sweet it hurts my teeth. I hate how much hate you can get because I know you don't deserve it.

I like it when you share me all your work in progresses, your dog pics, hell I even love it when you send me what your eating for the night!

So, I want to be a better person, for you.

I hope you know I love you and I want you to feel better too. <3

@barakidpirates - My stupid gay friend /j.

I like having our stupid talks with each other. I'm generally so happy I met you and I want to keep talking to you!

You always give me the stupidest giggles and ideas for my own drawings. I also love seeing your art grow.

I think your really cool even if I don't say it. I have the hardest time expressing myself but I'm slowly getting better at it.

You're generally really awesome. I want to get to know you and Noods more... <3

@vaporeon-panda - This one might be so out of left field. But, I've been meaning to tell you my feelings about your stuff!!!

At the time, I was struggling with my identity and it's hard for me to admit but I also de-transitioned for a while.

After coming back to, well, trying to come back to being me. That's when I found your fanfics. Though you haven't written trans characters much, I never felt so? I don't know? I never had something open my eyes to feeling ok and seeing someone have similar thoughts like me.

Your fanfics have become a big comfort to me now! I even joke to my friends that I'm your number one secret fan. I genuinely hope you keep writing, even if to others it seems silly, I enjoy your stuff a lot.

It comforts me and you write trans male characters really well.

[godmerlin]

First pic: me meeting Rob in March of 2019- him remembering me from Instagram (the bottom picture)- "come here, baby, let's have a cuddle" and he hugged me. It was surreal. I've loved him since I was 5 years old. I never thought I'd ever see him live let alone meet him but then the Vegas residency happened. Curse covid for taking away a 2nd time for me. But there is rumour he's to have another one in 2026!!! I will be there. I do hope to one day see him live in the UK though. I just never thought it possible because I grew up poor and was always poor. I'm still pretty much poor but able to save money and travel on a budget. 🩷

2nd pic: me next to the stage as he performed "My Way" (in my eyes rob is the only one other than frank that this song belongs to.) Saw him 3 nights in a row and it wasn't enough.

3rd pic- as stated above. Me on an Instagram live with him. We talked for like 15 minutes. Just chatted like old friends after my initial omg! Moment. He was so happy I was American. It was so funny when he asked where I was and I told him New York. He looked at the camera strangely and said "what are you doing there? Wait- are you an american!?" 🤣🤣🤣 i was like YESSS WE EXIST!!! and then prodded him to perform in the states and he basically alluded to Vegas. We talked about marvel..I accidentally spoiled infinity war. 🤣 and then he proceeded to tell me how amazing Hugh Jackman was. It was great. He loved my glasses. Then he saw my lip piercing and asked if I had any tattoos and when I said yes, 3 (i need more!!! I need a panda for my mom and a tinkerbell for my friend) he asked what they were so I told him. A 4 leaf clover for luck, RIP which was for my grandmother's, and the number 1. He asked first why the number 1 and I told him it was an inside joke with my sister and cousin- that I'm the number one dumbass! He got laughing and he was like whaaaat hahaha so I explained it and in the long run he told me to tell my sister she needed to tattoo a number 1 on her forehead because SHE was the number one dumbass 🤣🤣🤣 and then he asked again about my RIP and he asked me if I was close to my grandmother's and I said yes very. And then he started talking about his nan. And he mentioned nan's song and I'm like yes I love that song but it makes me cry and he's like good hahaha we were like bonding over grief. Which is another reason why im so mad covid took my 2nd trip/concerts away from.me. it would have been a month after my mom died. She had given me some money to be there. It was one of the last gifts she ever gave me. I was going to tell him that and that his performance of Angels was going to be extra special for me that night. But nope. Didn't get to happen! Ugh! Anyways back to the story. He started asking me about myself and what I did. At the time I was a full time care giver for my mother so I told him that and then he asked me questions about my family. I'm not sure how i managed to tell him my dad was a Vietnam veteran and he was like thanking him for his service and such. It was just a surreal experience. Like I hold it so dear to me. And some very nice person recorded the whole thing and sent it to me so I have it for always! These are just screencaps I took. I only managed 2 because I was more focused on talking to him. Haha

Anyway, the whole point of this was to just let people know that he's honestly the sweetest and kindest person. His movie deserves to be watched. Even if you don't know who he is. You will walk away with a sense of it. He's a hero of mine as he's been through hell and back and shines through. He also was talking about mental health long before it was an acceptable thing to be talking about.

One of my faves is from the Stephen Fry documentary from 2006.

But yeah

I keep going on about Better Man and I mean it from the bottom of my heart, it's a genuinely great movie. Get past the monkey.

[sugudoe]

hii i wanted to ask for a match make whistle as i love ur works and ideas sm!!!!?! 🪷

I’m 5’5 and a smidge chubby but I carry it curvy (am not keen though) (5’6 on a good day)

I’m quite a sarcastic person and make jokes quite a bit

I’ve been told that I am very kind despite my constant whining ( i try not to b a party pooper but need constant reassurance)

I love to bake! (Brownies is a personal fave recipe)

My mbti is infj (although I’m more of an ambivert depending on the situation. e.g. if there’s a rlly big crowd i will have to link arms with someone it’s an anxious habit. notoriously)

Love languages are 120% physical touch like i crave neck kisses n cuddles(who doesn’t) and i also like acts of service!

I like to spend time in to putting my makeup on and looking pretty- though I despise clothes shopping (head gets all fuzzy!)

I also have a fascination with reading!! Oh- and rollercoasters!!!

tysm whistle if you come to do this❤️❤️ you’re amazing keep up ur work bc i look forward to engaging and reading it!!!!

hii my angel, hope u like it! 🤍

✶ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: okkotsu yuta

Out of all your classmates and close friends, the first years of Jujutsu Tech, 2017 class, you are the most interesting one for Okkotsu Yuta — let’s recap that there is a boy who only speaks in ingredients and a literal panda that talks and fights.

Maybe, he finds you the most amusing because when Gojo Satoru introduced him to class, you were the only one that stayed with your weapons and powers down, in fact, you jumped in front of Yuta to save him from your classmates. Rika would never admit, but she did liked you that day.

Yuta is, very notable for anyone, the most introvert and awkward person anyone had ever met, and a part of you tried to take care of him. Is a heavy power he has, a curse, but you are there when the weight feels too much.

It’s not only all about Yuta, all your needs are answered with the same intensity you devote to him! And Rika, although creepy sometimes, learns to give you space. Yuta has to threaten her, something that took you by surprise, he was always so gentle.

Your relationship starts merely days before the attack Geto planned, and he knew who you were from the start — trembling ideas in his mind, should he or should he not try to go for Okkotsu’s most prized thing? He did, in the end, you got badly hurt.

Through your blurry vision, drenched in blood, you saw Rika and your boyfriend fighting, and you tried to get up, but ended up falling to the ground, to slumber and defeat.

The feeling of fingertips tracing figures in your arms, and whispers of begging is what wake you up, in the hospital bed. He is all over you in an instant, after a small “Yuta..?”, his head goes straight to your neck, desperately devoting kisses to your beating vein, serving as a reminder that you are well.

Yuta takes his boyfriend and personal nurse duties to a charming extent, Rika doesn’t dare come and complain, you’re already hurt enough.

The boy makes sure all your needs are taken while you recover, he buys your groceries for your dorm, he sleeps with you instead of your teddy bears, and he makes your meals — even desert, you teach him while sitting on the small sofa how to make your perfect brownies, and the first tries he accidentally made cake, but practice makes perfection, and soon, you will be long healed and both making brownies for your friends to taste and say which one is the best.

Yuta does not like public spaces as much as the next person, but he goes wherever you want — a fair, a museum, anywhere and he follows. And if you feel like drowning in a bit of fear, you don’t even have to move first, he is already giving you his arm to hold. Yuta actually prefers to hug you.

In his arms, is a fact everyone can see, that’s your both safe space. A safe harbor.

──── ✎ ° ⋆ FUN FACTS.

◛ ₊· in your second year, your relationship sadly turns into a distance relationship one. fear not, call him at any time and he will pick up (even during a mission).

◛ ₊· he is kinda scared of roller coasters, but your insistence and his needs to make you happy always wins. he will scream though.

◛ ₊· you always picks him up from the airport, any moment with him in japan is mostly spend with you, in the safe space of your room, eating brownies and watching movies.

◛ ₊· he takes a while to understand your sarcasm, but he still laughs at your jokes. he is down bad.

[cousin-quartz-of-house-paradox]

top 5‼️ BUT only dw related stuff >:)

fuck yes >:)

i am assuming that you mean shows/series, in accordance w your previous ask. so!!!

Iris Wildthyme. of course. i am literally her #1 fan. like, it's not just her either!! it's everyone and everything! iris, panda, tom, jenny, capt turner, hell even the side characters!!! the dynamics between them all!!! the vibes, the genres, magrsverse fantastical fairytale (usually seen in her appearances in main dw, such as the scarlet empress, the blue angel, mad dogs and englishmen, verdigris, muse of fire.) or dirty gritty realism where iris just- just shines like anything, outside the narrative and still able to be constrained by it, but her true nature (that of... i guess, something i can compare it to is that naïve old childhood fantasy/dream of running away from home. that- that feeling, of being away from the worst bits of reality, but still there. still on earth, in all its- well, y'know. but happier. iris, iris feels so real yet so not. she feels like a real-life drag queen or even scene queen, that's something i can compare her to as well. it- i guess it's like staying in reality still, but out of it. escape, but we're still there, and everything's gone to shit outside but as long as we're here, in this, say, club or whatever, we're alright. we're happy. that, to me, is iris. that's why it's necessary that there's grit around her, but not enveloping her/taking her over. anyway) showing through all that all the same. it's- it's like all that's given me comfort. it's like how her audio series theme song is just like music playing in fairs that i long for. it's like iris, iris, iris. and it's like Everything To Me. it's iris wildthyme.

Bernice Summerfield!!! i am in love with this fucking trainwreck of a woman<3 everything from vna-era (the doctor!!! ace!!! benny herself!!! chris!!! ROZ!!! the beloveds the fucking stories and adventures and dynamics!!!) to dellah-era (oh so precious, themb before all the horrors. just look at them. they're so sweet. there's shenanigans at st oscars, benny and brax (FAVE!!!!) living their best lives as archeology and theatrology professors respectively, truly the bestest of friends. so soft. and there's jason (my beloved) kane, and clarence who's machine flesh and divine at the same time (though he would really like to be fully machine again) and there's chris cwej and the SIDE CHARACTERS! and jason pointed to KS-159 and the collection's being built and they're all just. so!!!! <3 but, ofc, tragedy strikes. we can never have good things, after all, and thus begins) collection-era, the whole 11 season fucking tragedy (+ bev and adrian and ms jones and mister crofton and hass, all of whom i love dearly (though tbh i favour bev a bit more than the rest) and the SIDE CHARACTERS, again, and new dynamics between benny and brax and jason and the tragedy!!! fear if I go in-depth i will die) and legion-era (again, beloveds, with ruth and spring-heeled jack and peter!!!!) and uhhh well i have yet to get into unbound doc or benny audio new adventures but i will eventually someday. aaaanyway, yeah, benny series has SUCH a hold on me it's crazy. it's truly an epic story.

FACTION PARADOX!!! i don't have this url for nothing!!! unfortunately i am tired after talking about iris and benny for so long, so this is all you'll get. sorry :P

the EDAS and VNAS<3 beloveds<3333 the vnas are already counted for above (but technically only benny era vnas?) so i shall just mention them again here. all of them. mwah.

and so we finally reach tv dw... picking five's era because i LOVE me a good tragedy, though if i were allowed to pick another i would pick ponds-era 11th<3 delicious. OH or or or, seventh doctor era!!! the beloved<3333

[tea-of-destiny]

Tag game!

I was tagged by my bestie @cry-stars, thank you!

Last song: It's still "What I've Done" by Linkin Park. I started writing my own band arrangement of it over the weekend...

Fave color: I've never quite made up my mind between teal or a mid-dark purple.

Currently reading: ... 🥲 no I am not

Last movie: Kung Fu Panda 2! One of my top 10 movies ever, I've rewatched it so many times haha. The hardcore do understand.

Last show: I think the current season of MasterChef US? I don't actively watch too much TV, but I do often put on cooking competition shows like this while I'm working on bassoon reeds or vector designs.

Last obsession: I've been trying to refamiliarize myself with the kind of advanced music theory I was doing before I graduated, in case I decide I want to follow through on applying to grad school this year. Set theory analysis can be fun! Mixed feelings on the "writing an essay about it" part so far sjkljfhdksj

I'm going to tag @devonmoore @cakeiilock @mayafeyreal @dreamdripdistance @share-the-skye and if anyone else would like to join in too!

[wolfhednn]

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is. Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing! Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

Name: rai

Pronouns: it's complicated so she/he take ur pick

Birthday (no year): may 17

Where are you from? What is your time zone? the states, east coast beast coast. (not rly its swampy here)

How long is your roleplay experience? i regularly lose count. 17 years now i think?

How were you introduced to roleplaying as a whole? neopets, p sure. at least i can't remember rping before that. warrior cats and gifteds rps on neopets were the one-night stands of my heart

How were you introduced to TOA? according to legend, ree was reported famously to have said "we could do it tho" and then i answered "yeah ig we could huh"

Do you have any pets? nah i've come to realize that im not very good at taking care of living things (including myself) and no lifeform should be subjected to that

What is your favorite time of year and why? i'm an autumn girlie, complete with the pumpkin spice. november specifically is my favorite time of year

What is your IRL occupation? i work at a community college writing center ob it's really rewarding to make a direct impact on other people's experiences

Some interests and things you like/enjoy? gacha games, reading, poetry, hearing the dank beat drop in a song and imagining some dramatic rp scene to go along with it

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? honkai: star rail, granblue fantasy, pokemon, jrpgs, otomes, vn's in general, whatever games my friends want to stream for me while i grind granblue fantasy

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: raichu, and flying types

Tell us some fun facts and trivia about yourself! 3 stuffed animals have pride of place on my bed and they are a fennec fox named luhan, a red panda named shizi (persimmon in mandarin), and whale tartaglia

How did you get into Fire Emblem? was browsing the nearby gamestop in college shortly after fates came out, decided to pick it up on a whim because it looked up my alley. got hooked and blasted through the rest of the series in short order afterward

What Fire Emblem games have you played? everything except jugdral, but i've studied jugdral like i did ff7 back in the day in order to rp it

First & Favorite Fire Emblem games: fates as mentioned above. favorite depends on the metric jsdjgsk but, simplified, binding blade remains near and dear to my heart

List your 5 favorite Fire Emblem characters across the series! i cannot do this i do not hold enough characters in my working memory at a time

Who was the first character ever to make you go “ooh I like this one in particular” and why? Can be any context and reason! i think tsubaki. he was pretty and a pegasus knight, and i only liked him more as i actually saw more of his character HAHA

Any Fire Emblem crushes? huh. surprisingly, not really? was definitely expecting to have some for this one

If you’ve played (or are familiar with) the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays? 　　Awakening: lucina. and yes. always always 　　Fates: tsubaki, nishiki, and leo. and yes. 　　Three Houses: felix bc i liked his character and i always tend to s-support my faves just to see their lines. ambivalent now tbh im kinda roulette w 3h s-supports 　　Engage: gregory, mostly bc i'm also roulette w engage s-supports rather than any overt favoritism for gregory. maybe fogado?

Favorite Fire Emblem class? nomad ranger / bow knight

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class and stats? Would you be playable? i've been told i'd be mage into mage knight but wielding dark magic. magic nuke but kind of whatever everything else. lysithea but mounted i guess. if i'm somehow playable the circumstances must be EXTRAORDINARY because good luck peeling me away from my nice quiet life for your continental justice war no thanks

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? black eagles probably and i'd cringe abt it

If you were an Officers Academy student, what would be your boons, banes and potential budding talent? reason and authority boon. gauntlet, heavy armor, flying bane. i don't rly think i'd have a budding talent in any of the rest

If you were an Engage character, which nation would you originate from? tbh i'd probably be from elusia

How do you pronounce TOA? individual letters

Current TOA muses: felix, caeldori, rosado

Past TOA muses? too fucking many yall. ugh lemme see. volug, sety, idunn, leif, yuri, kurthnaga, ephraim, lucius, etzel, nel, citrinne, nishiki

Who was your first TOA muse? If you no longer have them, can you see yourself picking them up again? will smith gestures at the grumpycat

Do you believe you have a type of character you gravitate towards writing? reckless boys with hearts of gold (felix, leif, zeiss, ephraim); perfectionistic dreamers (caeldori), charismatic cunning extroverts concealing a boatload of issues, somber cerebral sages (sety, etzel, kurthnaga arguably)

Do you have characters or types of characters you don’t think you can handle writing, but wish you could? there's plenty of archetypes i don't gravitate toward, but i don't really wish i did either. so not really

What kind of scenes, situations etc do you believe you enjoy writing the most? i like dramatic, fast-paced action scenes. i also like anything that explores complex topics and reveals how subjective the world really is, situations that challenge a character's views and beliefs and force them to reflect on what makes right or wrong

Do you have any scenario in mind for your muse(s) that gets you thinking “man I hope I get to write this one day”? not really right now. i don't usually have rp wishlists like this because my enjoyment of a scene depends more on how effectively i feel it's being executed rather than just getting to do the specific scene by itself

Favorite TOA-related memories? probably running team mercy in lock&key? that was a really fulfilling experience

Present or past tense? present tense

Normal size text, small text, no preference? small text but idc what my partner uses

Got any potential muse delusions to share? i have muses falling out my pockets. lately i've been fistfighting the ilios in my head constantly. sometimes you just want to play a loser

[tohruies]

HELLO COCO FRIEND!!!! making myself cozy in your inbox hehehehe pls don’t mind me :33 I AM OFFERING YOU MUCH LOVE AND KISSES AND HUGS!!!!! (as seen in the pic above)

how are you my love??? what’re you and karasu up to today??? i hope studying is going smoothly!!! <3

HAAAAII MY STARSHINE!!!! (☆▽☆) i am leaving a box of panda express + fluffing up pillows and stuffed animals and a kaiser and hiori.... body pillow... HEHE c; for you in my inbox—come come!! i hope it is sufficiently cosy for you here!!!! 💖💖💖

i'm coming to kiss ya........

i have been down with some Sickness or Ailment of sorts the past while but i am doing so well now that i am talking to you!!!!!!!! 🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️ naturopathic medicine and it is. exposure to tumblr user mihyasnorthstar starry 👍 Yes!!!!!!! and i suppose exposure to karasu too. i suppose. HOW ARE YOU DOING THOUGH!! anything fun slash sillay going on in between studying for finals.... i have been thinking about hiori ushering you to bed for adequate sleep + cuddles and to the table for proper meals.. etc... i know how difficult it is to take care of yourself during these times so i hope imagining your faves helping you get through the day can motivate you to at least try!!! :^)

[schreibvibe]

Sorry for bothering you once again but i found 2 songs for 2 of Liev's roles.

1. Dream on for Raymond Shaw in Manchurian Candidate

"The past is gone

It went by like dusk to dawn

Isn't that the way

Everybody got their dues in life to pay

Yeah, I know nobody knows

Where it comes and where it goes

I know it′s everybody's sin

You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life's in books, written pages

Live and learn, from fools and from sages

You know it′s true

All of the things you do

Come back to you"

I mean...shit this is fitting for someone who is being mind controlled and vaguely knows he doesn't wanna be that person but he can't stop it!

2. Painted smile by Madame Macabre for Victor Creed

"I can't even remember how we started

A nagging voice, my normal then departed from me

Primal urges spiriting my senses away

Foggy glimpses of the boy I used to be"

"...Climbing through your window pane

I'm creeping closer, can you hear me?

Go on, mock me, say I'm insane

But it's you who's caught in my game

Cat and mouse, a lovely circle

Watch your tongue, those words are hurtful"

Originally meant a song for a creepy pasta but it beautifully captures Victor's descent into madness as he relishes the killing and loses himself in his violent actions, unable to cope with the trauma of his past. Cat and mouse game, very fitting for a guy with a cat mutation who likes to play with his victims!

Relax, any dose of Liev is always welcome. I'm constantly making playlists for his characters in my mind (yeah, peak brainrot) and these songs fit those characters so well. Thank you so much for the recs!

While we're on this topic, I do have an entire playlist's worth of songs that fit Raymond, Ben, and their relationship in general (wow, shocker). Some of my absolute faves are listed under the cut:

"Dead Finks Don't Talk" by Brian Eno ("And these finks don't dress too well. No discrimination. To be a zombie all the time requires such dedication...")

"Save Me, I'm Yours" by Gene ("In the arms of love, all fail. Won't you please stay here? I'm scared. I need you to save me. I'm scared.")

"Two Ragged Soldiers" by Scott Walker ("One would speak of a lake where he used to go swimming. The other had no memories left for his mind. With their arms round each other, the two ragged soldiers laughed through a war that they couldn't see... laughed for a world filled with fantasy.")

"Crumb by Crumb" by Rufus Wainwright ("Suddenly I'm not myself. Behind the façade is a lonely fountain here. Suddenly you are the one who opens the gates to this unruly garden.")

"Last Night at the Jetty" by Panda Bear ("You have your ways. I have my ways. We have our ways... and I'll call you my friend...")

"Strangers" by The Kinks ("So I will follow you wherever you go, if your offered hand is still open to me...")

"Francesca" by Hozier ("You think I'd give up, that this might've shook the love from me? Or that I was on the brink? How could you think, darling, I'd scare so easily?"

"Heaven on Their Minds" from the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack ("Listen, Jesus, to the warning I give! Please remember that I want us to live... but it's sad to see our chances weakening with every hour...")

[littleredpandanaps]

get to know your moots

Thank you @oonajaeadira, I'm sorry for repeatedly liking the post whilst my little sausage fingers tried to remember how to copy and paste on mobile!

What's the origin of your blog title?

Favourite animal + favourite activity. Also, have you seen red pandas napping?! Adorable

OTP(s) + Shipname:

I thought this meant One Time Password and after much Googling I learn that in this context it means One True Pairing and having learnt that, I cannot think of a single couple ever throughout the history of time and space.

Favourite colour:

💜💜💜💜💜

Favourite game:

I like me some boardgames, Articulate and Telestrations being present faves

Song stuck in your head:

I've had a medley of sea shanties stuck in my head since Christmas, currently it's The Wellermen. I spent a good six weeks in the run up to Christmas singing the well known festive classics, Islands in the Stream by Dolly Parton.

Weirdest habit/trait?

I have many, that I don't think are weird but others do. When out in a public place like a restaurant, I like to be in a corner, I don't like not having edges/walls around me

Hobbies:

I'm struggling with hobbies at bit at the mo (injury+low mood) but Lindy hopping (it's a thing!) swimming (particularly open water and open air pools), vintage *stuff*, reading, going to museums, making jewelry, hiking, cooking and napping

If you work, what's your profession?

I do work but I like to keep work and Tumblr very separate. I love my job but it can be stressful and confusing and this is my current safe space from that.

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be?

Probably what I do now but in the charity/voluntary sector instead OR I'd go wild and I'd love to work with animals in some capacity OR if I had any talent, I'd be an artist

Something you're good at:

Remembering incredibly niche random shit. Untying knots in necklaces/chains.

Something you're bad at:

Basic maths and cleaning, life is too short to clean a bathroom!

Something you love:

Being in a woodland at any time of year

Something you could talk about for hours off the cuff:

Dogs. Lindy hop and associated dance forms. Star Wars. Musical films from the 1930-1950s aka the 'Hollywood Golden Age'. Pre-Raphaelite art. Gerbils (don't ask). How to pick apart a film and analyse it in a way that would bore most people to tears. Food throughout history and cultures. House plants.

If I like something, I go all in is what I'll say.

Something you hate:

The sound of people brushing their teeth

Something you collect:

Books. Interesting rocks. House plants. Dungarees. Ticket stubs from theatre/concerts/gigs that I've been to. Vintage hats. Badges.

Something you forget:

What day of the week it is fairly frequently, where I've put my glasses, damp washing in the machine...

What's your love language?

Recieving: quality time, could be a walk, cooking together, just spending some really good one on one time with someone special.

Giving: I guess acts of service? I come from a family that shows their love for each other through food. We feed our loved ones, we bake for those we care for and batch cook at a time of crisis.

Favourite movie/show:

Taskmaster / The Mandalorian

Favourite food:

*BREAD* though I've just found out I have a high yeast intolerance

Favourite animal:

Red panda, duh. Or dogs.

What were you like as a child?

I collected snails and said they were my friends. Not so good at making human friends, got bullied a lot. Very creative and imaginative though.

Favourite subject at school?

Art, music and history

Least favourite subject at school?

Sports, unless it was swimming and maths.

What's your best character trait?

I think I'm reasonably empathetic

What's your worst character trait?

I procrastinate so much

If you could change any detail of your day right now what would it be?

I would have procrastinated less and got more work done so my anxiety wasn't so bad now.

If you could travel in time who would you like to meet?

I'd like to have met and become friends with PP back in high school (I think that's what it's called in the US, it's secondary school where I'm from) I think we could have been two oddballs together. Failing that, my maternal grandfather, he passed away shortly before I was born but sounded like a lovely, kind man.

Recommend one of your favourite fanfics (spread the love!):

@oonajaeadira latest PATS journal entry has been living in my head rent free recently and @wrathkitty 's Short Debts Make Long Friends is my Mando fever dream

tagging:

@sawymredfox @galaxyedging @for-a-longlongtime

[feralkwe]

FOR THE FANFIC ASKS

23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t

and

15. something you learned this year

OH AND ALSO GIVE US YOUR FAVE FIC YOU'VE WRITTEN THIS YEAR PLS AND THANK

23. oh so many! i am chasing a fic with kit and estinien having some real talk while doing jock things. i know they get on, i know he would really really be able to dig into her in a way she needs and just be the best bro about it.

i've had an itch to do a fic from ryne's pov, but doing that is gonna require me to ng+ a good portion of some things that i'm unwilling to commit time to right now.

and...the sheer amount of ascian on ascian violence i want to write. i turned over a couple for elidibus week and just did not manage to do it this year (seriously i'm outside the window pawing the glass on this event).

my canon reset kinda threw that all into a loop lmao.

15. i have (mostly) learned to embrace my inner yolo. idk why i am reserved about ffxiv in ways i never was about my dragon age fic. i was explaining my da canon to someone the other day and, man it's so fucking unhinged. they pointed out i really could benefit by applying that to my xiv stuff. i'm... getting there lol.

GLADLY I WILL SHARE: IT'S A TWO-PARTER.

selfish, which was a prompt from @yamisnuffles where kit doesn't let themis go die after pandae, and that finally put the truth in my head that, well actually, kit really, really truly wants elidibus. her heart was never gonna let go of him, no matter how hard i tried to shoehorn it back on the course of what i was working with at the time. idk if that's what yami intended me to work out by giving me this prompt, but it's her fault. so i backed up and wrote

i knew you were trouble when you walked in, because FUCK IT. she's gonna fuck that ascian in shb and fall in love with him and it's going to ruin her life and everyone is gonna have to just watch me melt down over it. it has some of my favorite passages i've ever written in it. i've learned an awful lot about kit through it, and have had a ton of fun and some big ouchie moments too!

thanks for the ask!

[my-moony-and-padfoot]

Get to know me :) In a very detailed manner and all of this totally unnecessary and unneeded

(I found these random questions/"get to know me" thingies from Pinterest and left out a few things) I just wanted to do this because I'm hella bored and definitely shouldn't be studying

Definitely not

First name: Guess 📚

Middle name: Maria

Nickname: My friends call me Grandma, Gran and gran-gran.

Age: young and sweet, only seventeen

Height: 165.5 cm

Birthday: 31st of July

Zodiac sign: I'm a Leo ♌

Sexuality: Pan 🍳

Fave color: light pink, light purple and dark green

Fave animal/s: dogs and cats, foxes. Red pandas are cool too and reindeers. Oh oh and turtles

Pets: three dogs and four cats (in two different places tho)

Shoe size: 38-39 EU

Hair color: pink

How long is your hair: down to my shoulders

Eye color: blue green brown ish something I really don't know, they're weird. They like often change colors weirdly idk what's up with them. So, I usually stick with saying they're green

Do you have glasses: I do 🤓

Any siblings: half big sister and half big brother, so technically one right?

Where are you from: That there is a mystery 🌎, unless you're fucking Sherlock, or another fictional detective, or a stalker

Last dream: puking up blood in a Gordon Ramsay cooking class

Fave book/s: One of the harry potters and heart stoppers. Norse mythology and the history of poisons.

Last book you bought: housemaid and Nordic tales

Favorite hobby/hobbies: writing and crochet 🧶. Also I really like DND 🎲

Favorite game: Sims 4, Minecraft

Fave song/s: We made it - Louis Tomlinson, lowlife - YUNGBLUD, strawberry wine - Noah Kahan, troubled mind - Noah Kahan, meet me in the hallway - Harry Styles, kiss the go-goat - Ghost, zombie - YUNGBLUD, marks of the evil one - Ghost, Holding on to heartache - Louis Tomlinson, Golden - Harry Styles, Satanized - Ghost, (I'm sorry I couldn't pick just one) Theres so many more tho

Favorite artist/s: Louis Tomlinson, Harry styles. YUNGBLUD, Noah Kahan, Niall Horan, Ghost, One Direction, mother mother,

Last song you listened to: Polygraph eyes - YUNGBLUD

Fave movie: Harry Potter Goblet of fire, I don't really watch movies 🎥 Sweeney Todd Demon Barber of Fleet Street is good too

Religion: I'm a Christian, like I belong in the church but I don't really believe into anything, but I respect everyone who does <3

Have you been to the hospital: A lot when I was a child, last time was because of my knees

Ever gotten in trouble with the law: Nope

Met any celebrities: I've met a few YouTubers, does that count?

Baths or showers: Showers. Definitely showers 🚿

What color socks are you wearing: long dark green socks with mushrooms but the stems are penises

Would you like to be famous: not really no

How many pillows do you sleep with: Two, well one the other one just is kinda there but it's never under my head, it's to prop the other one up

Do you own stuffed animals: I do 🧸

If you do, how many: Six, can't sleep without one of them (it's a bunny). I lied there's seven, update: there's 12

What position do you sleep in: in weird ass positions

What do you eat for breakfast: coffee with oat milk. Depending on how I feel either oatmeal with honey and berries, yogurt with granola, honey and fruit, or cereal.

Ever tried archery: I actually have, was my hobby for a year or something, spoiler alert; wasn't very good at it 🏹

Ever fired a gun: Nope and won't

Favorite clean word: fluffy, it's nice to say

Favorite curse word: Fuck, I say that way too much someone help me

Longest you've been without sleep: 23 hours

Have any scars: I do, a surgery scar on my knee, one on my upper lip from my teeth going through it, small one in the corner of my eyes, a lot on my knees from falling down as a kid so much, and then some others

Are you a good liar: I think I am

Can you do any accents (besides your own): Not really and I don't have that much of an accent, I think. Though my friends tell me I have a bit of a British accent, which is bizarre, and I don't really hear it myself.

What is your personality type: from the 16 personalities INFJ-T 🌛

Can you curl your tongue: I can, I can also do the flower thingy

Left or right handed: right handed

Are you scared of spiders: Sort of, I don't mind them as long as they're not near me

Favorite food: lasagna and tortillas

Are you a clean or a messy person: Messy but in an organized way 📦

Most used phrase: "No shit Sherlock" "no wayyy" "just...why?"

Most used word: Probably some curse word... Or "what" "why"

Do you suck or bite lollipops: Bite 😬

Do you talk to yourself: all the freaking time

Do you sing to yourself: I do, everytime I listen to music alone 😶‍🌫️

Are you a good singer: I'd like to say that I am, but I don't actually know

Biggest fear: someone murdering me (during the night with a knife), dislocating my knee, or any other part that can be dislocated (it hurts so fucking much, cannot recommend)

Can you name all the states: Maybe probably, haven't tried

Favorite school subject: Psychology or English 📖

Least favorite school subject: MATH, and chemistry, physics is sorta alright but I don't like the math part

Extrovert or introvert: as introverted as they come lol

Have you been scuba diving: Nope, probably never will go 🤿 deep waters scare me

What makes you nervous: Literally everything, it's called anxiety ✨

Are you scared of the dark: not anymore, unless it's outside, sometimes it's scary inside too, but not too often

Do you correct people if they make mistakes: Sometimes but not to be mean to them, but not like minor mistakes, unless I wanna annoy someone

Are you ticklish: Not really 🪶

Have you been in a position of authority: I've been a scout leader for the past three years, can't do it anymore tho, does that count?

Have you ever drank underage: Once because my sister forced me to, A glass of champagne how rebellious of me

Ever done drugs: Nope

Ever smoked anything: Nope x2

How many piercings do you have: I have lobes, snake bites and I septum 🐍 I really want an industrial but idk if I have the correct anatomy

How fast can you type: Somewhat fast, I'm faster on my phone than on a computer

Are you a fast learner: Depends on the subject, but usually yes

Can you roll your R's: No I cannot 🐐

Do you keep a journal: Every now and then, I'm not very consistent. But I do do bullet journaling in the back of my calendar

Do you like your age: It's fine, I don't really care I'd honestly rather be older ⚰️

Do you like your name: I think it's very pretty, I used to hate it tho when I was young (still kinda do, most of the time). It's fine but I just don't like using it with people

How did you get your name: From my mom and dad lol. No it "tells a story" and it suits well for English which my mom wanted, it's somewhat rare here where I live. With the spelling I have

Dream job: I have zero clue 🔎

What was your first job: A week at a daycare. But my first actual job (something I got paid for) was in a coffee shop for a summer

What places have you worked in: In a daycare and a preschool and two summers in that cafe, never going back there it was horrible

Last show you watched: Chicago med 🩺

Last show you finished: baby reindeer

Favorite show ever: Big bang theory, Chicago med, what we do in the shadows and 911. Oh, heartstopper :)

What is your earliest memory: Sitting on a dresser and my dad telling me to wait for a bit, or being on my mum's shoulders while she was doing something outside (I'm not sure which one is first)

Happiest memory: Moving away, getting into the school I wanted with good grades

When did you start this blog: May-June 2022

When did you start writing fanfic: January 2022 (The next few ones a writing related because they were in this one list of questions I found)

What was your first fic: Fred Weasley/reader definitely not with a self insert *cough cough.

How do you come up with ideas for writing: They just come up when I try to sleep, or am doing something random, or something happens so I just write it out. I hate brain storming with all my heart because nothing good comes up when I try

What character/s do you enjoy writing the most: Sirius and Remus <3, but lately I've fallen in love with Percy and Oliver and starchaser is always fun to write. Also lily and Pandora are lovely to write, I just never really do it

What character do you not enjoy writing: Any authoritative figure because it's hard and when there's multiple characters because it's hard to keep track. I am a simple man

Is there a fic you regret writing: Not really, I mean I'm embarrassed of some of my writings, but it just shows that I've learned and I can write better now :)

Favorite thing you've written: "When I..." A long fic about a suicide attempt and it was very comforting to write, but then I think I've written a few good hurt/comfort fics. There's like very small bits of the stories that I absolutely love, and loved to write

What do you like to write: Hurt/comfort and just sad things, I feel like I'm good at it. I like descriptive writing too and I've been trying to work on it lately

What don't you like writing: Smut, I feel a little cringe when I write it, and like longer fics, I feel I can't come up with a good enough idea for a one 🤔 Also, I don't have the patience for that

Favorite characters: Sheldon Cooper from the big bang theory. Sirius and Remus obviously, Regulus, and then I like the Weasley twins... There's honestly too many that I like. But to mention a few more: Nick, Charlie, Elle, Tara and Darcy <3 and the art teacher I can't remember the name of from heartstopper. Loki <3. Will Halsted and Sharon Goodwin are the best characters in Chicago med, fight me. Laszlo from what we do in the shadows.

Do you keep a journal: I have a few pages in the back of my calendar for bullet journaling

One bad habit: self deprecation, I apparently do that too much. Source: my friends

What did you want to be as a child: I really wanted to be a chef or a baker

Who's the last person you held hands with: My friend when dancing, if that doesn't count, then with the same friend at a school Christmas party cause I almost lost them in the hallway 'cause there were a lot of people. Before that, no clue

Are you outgoing or shy: Shy with new people. I'm shyly outgoing lol

Who are you looking forward to seeing: My bestie haven't seen her in over a year

What does your most recent text say: "Alright :)" Another one cause it was around the same time but to a different person. "It's just a little guy"

Do you have trust issues. Oh yeah

Favorite part of your daily routine: Everything cause it always goes the same way. We love structure over here. But if I have to pick one, cracking my back every morning cause it's so satisfying

What do you do when you wake up: Turn off my alarm if it's on, then I go through the notifications on my phone and just lay there doing random things before I gotta get up. Usually reading actually if I have enough time and oh, always listen to a podcast/music

Morning routine: What I just mentioned, but when I get up, I drink water and take my meds, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth. If I'm going somewhere I pack my stuff, and then dress up. If I'm not going anywhere, I usually start watching something and drink coffee in peace and then change clothes

Evening routine: I shower, wash my face, sometimes eat something and change into pyjamas. Mark stuff in my calendar, do my journaling and then I get into bed. I usually read before sleeping, a book or fanfic.

Do you like your neighbors: I don't really know our neighbors 👀 except the ones I dog sit for. Oh at least one of our neighbors thinks I'm creepy. (Literally steered their kids away from me while I was coming from school.)

Is your hair long enough for a ponytail: it is, I just often don't keep it in one. Unless it's dirty or I'm alone and need it to get it out of the way

How many languages can you speak: Two (actually three but I'm really bad at the third one) I picked french for next year tho :)

Can you cook: Yep, I'm quite good at it. I can bake too

Last time you cried: A few days ago because I was feeling like an absolutely horrible human being

How long does it take you to get ready: Like 10 minutes lol ⏱️

Favorite number: 5. Five is the Ultimate number, and everything either ends in five or is divisible by five. I've always liked the number five :3

Alright 😮‍💨

That was quite long, Sorry about that, I just like questions :)

If there is something you wanna know for some reason, feel free to ask. Like I said I like questions.

I might write more things here, if I think of something or find something fun

Feel free to use these if you want, I just want to note that most of these I did not make up myself and I don't know who did.

Enjoy this I guess I just got inspired and stopped studying for this, anyone I can blame on my English grade after this 👀

Also there's almost hundred of you following me, that's so weird....

<3

[awretchedthing]

Get to know your mutuals!

thank you for the tag @snoopyviktor !

What's the origin of your blog title? it's from an Astarion bg3 quote. the full release hit right when I got covid so the time off work and the brain fog made it prime hyperfixation material. I saw someone mention the quote on reddit and I think I was the first to clip the scene and post to youtube? it's my only video up there

OTP(s) + Shipname: mmm jayvik is the big one. i feel like i've been out of fandom for so long idek. it all started with zuko/katara (zutara) from the last airbender. most recently probably jude/cardan (jurdan) from the cruel prince (Cardan's letters live rent free in my head)

Favorite color: pink 🩷

Favorite game: life is strange, stardew valley, mass effect 2, bg3. i go through big valorant phases but i wouldn't call it a fave.

Song stuck in your head: casual by chappel roan and hymn to virgil by hozier (they are sharing mic time)

Weirdest habit/trait? i have a lot of conversations with myself in my head, anytime i'm alone it's just inner yapping

Hobbies: swimming (i'm not doing laps just splashing around every week), video games, reading (i read over 100 books last year, not happening this year)

If you work, what's your profession? to be vague i'm a tech worker for a financial institution

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be? i would work in publishing somehow. editor, agent, publicist, whatever. author is unlikely though

Something you're good at: my job, making people laugh, picking the perfect sad jayvik edits to send my friends

Something you're bad at: sleep cleanliness? like i'm on my phone until my eyes shut

Something you love: i'm gonna cop out and say my partner of seven years

Something you could talk about for hours off the cuff: books and book sales in the age of social media (it's a curse and asking authors to do their own marketing and get pub deals based on having an established following is satan's work)

Something you hate: when the song line is all wrong over your toes

Something you collect: books, red panda and capybara plushies

Something you forget: my age. constantly.

What's your love language? quality time

Favorite movie/show: arcane right now. more lifelong loves: the princess bride, twilight series (i know but the nostalgia)

Favorite food: buldak carbonara noodles

Favorite animal: red pandas

What were you like as a child? i didn't speak until i was 2 and my first words were a full sentence. i used to read our weekly school book in a day and i would do maths workbooks for fun.

Favorite subject at school? english and maths

Least favorite subject: woodwork and metalwork. i thrive when it's learning stuff from paper but practical work kills me

What's your best character trait? i'm funny as hell but also I love very very deeply

What's your worst character trait? indecisive and can be terribly at maintaining open lines of communication with my loved ones

If you could change any detail of your life right now, what would it be? i'd LOVE to have my driving license

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet? i'd love to talk to my mum at my age. i think i could gain a lot of insight and peace

Tag as as many mutuals as you want!! i feel like the last one to get to this but please if you haven't been already then consider yourself tagged!

[worcestersaucesuace]

It is time, in no particular arrangement

I love you

FAKE TYPE, and your wonderful electro swing beats

The Stupendium, and your wacky, lyrically ingenious raps

Utsu-p, and your metal as hell Miku

MOS, and your amazing brass focused beats

Tally Hall, and your off-beat rock whatever-that-is

Cosmo Sheldrake, and your beautiful, weird, wondrous music

BRADIO, and your fun, funky jams

Kikuo, for some of my absolute favorite soul-crushing auditory experiences.

FantomenK, for your deliciously pixelated songs

Chipzel, for your wonderful contributions to some of my favorite games

Hiiragi Kirai, I suspect I never want to know what your songs are about but they sound excellent

Brian David Gilbert, for your mind-bending experiences as well as the silly ones.

Azari, for your catchy as hell beats

Infected Mushrooms, and those trance beats that feel like they go forever.

Three, for everything but especially “Telecaster B Boy”

Aivi & Surasshu, for just so much, (adore “Yearn to Bloom”)

Studio Thumpy Puppy, for that wonderful battle music

Camellia, and your wide range of wonderful tracks

Top Flow, “Speed Thrill Beat”

Imagine Dragons, and your somewhat edgy, legendary tracks

ATLUS Sound Team, “Specialist”

Mob Choir, banger openings only here

Qumu, and your endless collection of wondrous remixes

Masayuki Suzuki, love song legend

Or3o, Clover is a treasure, as is all your work really

Cepheid, for your gloriously cosmic metal and also the one about gay bonda-

jon-YAKITORY, for your eclectic, 100m-sprint songs

justan oval, for the whiplash I experience going from “Rat Attack” to “Scatterbrained”.

Louie Zong, for your odd, but still quite comfortable records.

AJR, for introducing me to alt rock in the first place.

half • alive, for drawing me even deeper in

Yunomi, for your light and airy, dubstep beats

Laura Shigihara, for creating one of the best soundtracks ever.

PinocchioP, for your strangely enchanting Miku, and excellent beats

Toby Fox, need I say more? I will anyway, “Dummy” is a bop.

Dunderpatrullen, Pop electro of the highest order

MISSIO, for when I’m real depressed

Tokyo Machine, for when I’m doing great!

supercell, for everything in between, but like for one song in particular too.

Panda Eyes, for introducing me to dubstep.

Teminite, for some of my faves in the genre.

Klaypex, “DUBSTEP GUNS” and “Lights” are pretty good, I guess.

Parsley Onuma, for some wonderful songs all around.

Daft Punk, because obviously.

Avenza, so many absolute bangers. “Wicked” is a favorite.

Mystery Skulls. Hell yeah.

Saint Motel, A good song never dies.

I would hate to be an Obvious Guy but. Alfie Templeman.

CG5, for those wondrous beats and that wondrous-er voice.

Mrs. Green Apple, “Viking” is a bop, love me some S-tier jpop

RichaadEB, an excellent guitarist, every cover is legendary.

Jonah Senzel, the humming in the cabin sends a chill down my spine, the strums of the guitar make me want to hide.

They Might Be Giants, woah now I remember why I like science.

x0o0x, I have entered a cult. Do not send help.

STEAKA, for that fast-paced dance Miku

HIDEKI NAGANUMA, AIN’T NOTHING LIKE A FUNKY BEAT

NILFRUITS, for some of my favorite tuning

Superorganism, I feel as if I have ascended, thank you

Sasakure.Uk, just wonderful, nothing more. Nevermore, even.

Yunosuke, consistently strong electronic Miku

grandson, “Apologize” is good

Panic! At the Disco, for a lot of things. Thanks

Clarx, house goodness through and through

Jamie Berry & Octavia Rose, for the introduction to electro swing, massively appreciated, that.

Caravan Palace, “Lone Digger” has 420 million views on YouTube as of writing. As it should.

Mili, for “Rightfully” specifically.

Jules Gaia, for even more wonderful electro swing. Gaming YouTube circa 2016(?)-2017(?) thanks you.

Adhesive Wombat, 8 bit goodness, thank you very much.

Jin, adore so many of those songs.

alt-J, what a cool sound and voice.

Leslie Wai, “Paradigm” and it’s consequences (positive, extremely postivie)

Raiko, like listening to what the elements would sound like it they were 64 bit and a bit dubstep. It sounds good.

Pegboard Nerds, I love sounding like a spy, but also with dubstep.

Soraru, good jpop. Love me some good jpop.

FalKKonE, Intense symphonic metal pretty much sums it up yep, it is wonderful. My head is in fact banging

The White Stripes, “Seven Nation Army”

Kanmitu, “BraveHeartShine” is a beautiful song and you should listen to it. Now, specifically.

Inori Minase, excellent voice and songs.

Suda Keina, “Darling” is a banger.

Millenium Parade, so many excellent styles, sometimes I forget they are all the same artist.

Portugal. The Man, I’m really feeling it.

Araki, excellent all around, love his voice.

Edwin Starr, “War”. Just, what a song.

Deco*27, Addicted to that tuning, might have to suck its blood.

DEMONDICE, two languages to rap in, it works very well.

Jazz Emu, funkiest sci-fi story I’ve ever heard. Tell me more magic man

natori, j-rocking superhero I’d say

Ferry, legendary. Good songs. Vocaloid. Really takes me out of my Comfort Zone.

Glass Animals, beautiful songs to rock in place to.

Ren, “Money Game Pt. 2” is very, very good.

Mike Geno, adore these songs. Good beats.

TUYU, J-Pop legends, I have no trouble saying.

Cö Shu Nie, here on the strength of “give it back”. I’m crying.

MAN WITH A MISSION, I love “Database (feat. Takuma)”

OK Go, they have and are, and I hope they will. Keep going, I should clarify.

The Correspondents, Rest in peace, Chucks. Love you guys.

Ado, what a great voice. Just, seriously.

Pascal Micheal Stiefel, A Hat in Time is a very, very good game, with a very, very good soundtrack.

Will Stetson, an amazing cover artist, and “Writing on the Wall” is truly incredible.

Kirara Magic, some very solid dance, electronic, house, and more.

Satsuki, “Mesmerizer”

Grover Washington, Jr. “Just the Two of Us” (feat. Bill Withers)

And so, so many thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions more that have shaped and inspired those here.

This took me too long and it is later than it should be. I love media, music perhaps most of all. So I thought I’d a share a few, hang on as I was writing this a song just came on and now I gotta add it. Anyway, maybe you find someone here you’ve never heard before and give em a listen if they sound interesting. Have fun!

Sorry about the descriptions, I kinda rolled between trying to be funny, giving actually useful descriptions (kinda), and talking about what I personally like about them.

Might make another list for animations, games, creators, so on. We’ll see.

[celestie0]

BABE. AGAIN. UR REBLOGS ALWAYS HAVE ME CRYING IN THE CLUB (see youve fucked me up so bad im referencing hella old catchphrases) honestly imma kiss u thru the screen one of these days

same i craved kbbq so bad when i was writing it. i think ripped jeans are still trendy just maybe not DIY ripped jeans bahha. and yes hana is a mood im exactly like that when im drunk

“oh and he’s a creep, he reminds of that one very annoying guy every girl has in her class, who tries to one-up and simultaneously tries to get on with that very ambitious girl only to prove to her that he’s better and not in a good “rivals to lovers” way, no, they gotta be all “i am doing this for your own good”, but they’re at the end of the day they are just bootlicking bigots who’ve failed miserably in their lives.”

omg okay yes exactly 😭🤣 i love the hatred for kai right off the bat PLS u literally named the thesis of his character right here. i have not seen insidious but i take ur word for it 😭 and yes bb pls break tf outta his camera.

thanks my love haha yea obv i had to get into his headspace a bit to write for him and i was like damn🧍🏻‍♀️there r ppl that actually live this miserably? jfc

and yea ur so right,, tbh doubt and fears are so valid, if kai came from a better angle then perhaps he couldve actually provided valuable insights for her. but in my own career pursuit i know that doubt is the foundation for faith, and it’s healthy because it tests your resolve, whether that resolve is to continue to march forward or possibly pivot. but kai’s approach is simply seeding doubt to create insecurities to feel higher than another person, and that does not come from a place of care or understanding at all

OMG BB I THINK YOU’re THE FIRST READER TO REALIZE COACH YAGA’s POMERANIAN IS PANDA 😭😭💕💕

pls i wanna be princess carried by gojo so bad. and bahahah not the lawyer AND the therapist 😩 my dear im just like reader, i got them bills to pay plsss i cannot afford counsel to represent me for emotional damages

yesss tbh even i began developing a massive crush on reader while i was writing her in this chapter lol gojo suddenly became an afterthought 🤣🤣

“like i am gathering he probably developed this through keeping calm during the trauma and the tension that had him enveloped with the injury, illness and the death of his father.”

yess bb i think u hit it on the mark, and i think this is reflective of canon gojo too who has bottled up many feelings. my fave character trait of canon gojo is his ability to go from cheeky to serious at the drop of the hat (not only is it insanely hot, but also i think very charming and in my experience the true mark of a man LOL) so that’s the vibe i’m really trying to capture w kickoff gojo if all else isn’t canonically accurate i at least hope that is 🤣 but yea, he’s been forced to trauma that has kind of made him super good at compartmentalizing, almost too good, to where even extremely strong feelings of his can come off as passive. i tried to show that in his body language vs words when reader is done cussing him out for having it “easy in life” :””) ur so emotionslly intelligent my love and ur empathy is enouhh to make me tear up 😭 ppl in ur life must feel so safe w you

“my baby is making a mistake and these are not even her words, though she’s wrong to be voicing them.”

yesss she’s rly been driven up a fkn wall this whole chapter i felt so bad writing it all :””) esp this scene bc its like…she rejected kai’s advances, and yet somehow he was still rly able to get into her head and as a result, she spoke out of line in an effort to hurt gojo who i dont rly think deserved that 🥲😭

“HE JUST CALMED HIMSELF DOWN FOR HER SO FAST, HES THE ENTIRETY OF THE GREENLAND ON THIS EARTH. i will die for him.”

AAAAAA omg i hate to toot my own male mc’s horn LMFAO but yea i really liked that part bc he couldve gone off on her or made her feel bad/guilty but i think he just wants her to feel better ab everything :”) also yea i dont think he was angry per se, i was hesitant ab using “clenched fists” in the sentence bc i didnt want it to come off as he was pissed at her, but it was definitely hurt & anxiety

“i’m reaching my yappacity.”

PLSKSJDJD IM ADDING THIS TO MY VOCABULARY

“if virtual hugs are possible, im hugging the reader right now. the fear of disappointment is so real. i’ve had to take multiple breaks reading this chapter. i loveeee it, so well written. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️”

thank sm bb for reading w stuffs going on ik this chap hits heavy, tbh if i read something like this when i was reaaally in my “holy fuck im struggling w my life n career rn” phase i would NOT have been able to handle it bahhaha. but also i think there are parts that may have been comforting too. i appreciate u sm for providing all ur insights 🥺💕

“no because im imagining he’s saying those words to me and comforting me. thank you very much.”

this was the goooooal aaaaa i wanted it to feel like a hug thru the screen 😭🥲💕

“ELLIE!!!! WHY WERE YOU WORRIED???? THE TENSION, THE FRUSTRATION, CAREER AND GOJO RELATED BOTH, THE ASSHOLES AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN WAS SO PERFECTLY WORDED! I LOVED ALL OF IT!”

IM GONNA CRYYY IK IDK WHY I WAS SO WORRIED THE RESPONSE HAS BEEN SO SWEET N LOVELY I JUST IDK i think cuz it was all so vulnerable but im just. so. 😭😭😭 tysmm i rly cant say how much it means that u read the chap (while u were dying w no sleep 💀) and interacted w it sm :””) ur such a sweetie pie n i will literally be sending u my good vibes for my LIFEE PLSS <33 LOVE U M00tie

“ps: is mina the tribute to your best friend? i’m believing yes. also i loved, loved the author’s note, one of the sweetest thing ever that one has left at the bottom of their works.”

GIRL HOW DO U CATCH FUCKING EVERYTHING 😭😭😭 YES I CHOSE a name that started w m for mina to rep my friend :””) ughhhhh ur just too muhc n the fact u were ab to pass out when u read this n still catch fucking everything 💀🤣

WORDS ARENT ENOUGH I NEED TO HUG U THRU THE SCREEN. THANKS BB <333

gojo satoru x reader | college au [18+]

kickoff ch.9 words you've been wanting to hear

ᰔ pairing. college au - soccer player! gojo x film major! reader (f)

ᰔ summary. gojo satoru is the most popular guy on your college campus. he's tall, funny, hot, not to mention he's the most talented soccer forward the school has seen in years. but he's also a frat dude, which puts him in a world very different from your own, as he spends most of his nights partying & drinking while you spend most of yours working on your annoying film major assignments. but when he reaches out to you for a favor, you realize that helping him out might have something in it for you too.

ᰔ warnings/tags. 18+, fluff, angst, smut, college au, fraternities, sororities, partying, drinking/alcohol, romance, jealousy, pining, slow burn, opposites to lovers, friends to lovers, she falls first he falls harder, gojo being an idiot, marijuana use, sexism, sexual harassment (verbal only)

ᰔ chapter. 9/x (probably 12)

ᰔ words. 15.6k (WHY DO THEY KEEP GETTING LONGER)

a/n. HELLO MY DEAR KICKOFF READERS IVE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH i am soooo sorry for the wait on this one. this chapter felt very vulnerable to write for some reason lmfao, but i really hope it was worth the wait :''') see you at the bottom!! if there are typos or some things don't make sense i'm so sorry i literally gave up on proofreading this i just ended up raw-doggin it and then posting it

nav. ch1 :: ch2 :: ch3 :: ch4 :: ch5 :: ch6 :: ch7 :: ch8 :: ch9

an additional author's note. hellooo ellie here. there are some additional warnings/tags for this chapter, i added them to the tags above, so if you know you have any sort of triggers, please refer to them before reading! but if you don't have any and don't want to be spoiled ab anything then you can keep reading lol. thank youu <33

--

The restaurant address that Kai sent you was just a ten minute taxi ride away, save for the five minutes you spent trying to evasively maneuver through the hotel lobby in order to avoid running into people you’re not too keen on seeing right now, a list that stacks up to just one person at this moment.

It’s a Korean barbecue place, it’s been ages since you’ve been to one, probably since they’re way too expensive for any sort of outing you could afford these days, but the crisp sizzling sounds of the grills and the savory air has your mouth watering in a way that makes you indifferent to the cost. Anything to get this churning feeling out of your stomach. 

It’s instantly brought to your attention that Hana’s tipsy off of Soju because she’s slid out of the booth the second you emerge to the tablestide, and she’s onto her feet to pull you into a hug. You hug her back.

“I’m ssssoooooooo glad you’re—hic—here,” she says, voice sounding loud near your ear, but her embrace is surprisingly calming to you.

Her face appears flushed when you pull away, and you give her a smile and a kind hold of her elbow. “I’m happy to be here, sorry for coming late, I just decided I wanted to have dinner with you all.”

Minato is pulling on Hana’s arm to get her to sit down, which she finally agrees to, and you glance to the left side of the table where Kai sat, meticulously turning over pieces of meat on the grill. His eyes are on you, and the seat next to him is empty.

“You look nice,” he says, eyes falling to your lap under the table once you’ve taken a seat next to him.

Your eyes fall to your lap as well. “Oh. Thanks. I wasn’t really trying to look any sort of way, though.” Just faded jeans with a few rips & holes you made yourself, way back in high school when that sort of thing was trendy.

“I know,” he says, smirk heard perfectly through his words, “I like that.”

You ignore him, a fleeting thought passing through your head of how annoyingly forward men are to women they’ve met within a day, just something you’ve noticed recently, and then you’re accepting the glass of Soju that Minato’s poured for you. Quick to tip it back, you feel a burn on your tongue that’s just enough to distract.

“Today’s game was pretty interesting,” Minato speaks up, picking up a few pieces off the grill with his chop sticks and placing them on Hana’s plate first before taking some for himself. You find the gesture sweet. “The first half was intense.”

Hana nods enthusiastically, elbows rested on the tabletop as she waves her hands around in the air. “Uh huh, uh huh, the boys kicked the ball like whoosh. Goes all over the place! Can’t get a—hic—can’t get a single shot. No, I mean me, I can’t get a camera shot. Not them, they can get the shots of goals. The goals of shots? Huh.”

“Alright, you’ve had enough,” Minato grumbles as he drags the glass of Soju that she was nursing away from her. 

Kai lets out a laugh beside you, his knee bumping against yours under the table. “I’ve watched so many of these soccer games for this job, and I’ve still got no damn clue what the rules are.”

You blink down at your empty plate for a second before grabbing the silver chopsticks laid neatly on your napkin, and taking some food from the center of the table. “Really? I’ve only been to a couple, and I feel like I get the gist of it.” Maybe it’s because you had a personal interest, though.

Kai lets out a low whistle next to you. “Okay, you’re a smartass then.”

You give him a sidewards glance. “Maybe you’re just dumb?” 

Your own words startle you a bit. Minato lets a laugh out, but under his breath, while Hana does absolutely nothing to conceal hers. Kai’s eyes just widen. You bite down on a carrot stick.

“Hey, hey, hey, y/n,” Hana chirps, tapping at your wrist, “do you know any of the soccer players? Utahime said you doooo.”

You swallow slowly to buy yourself time, but give a preliminary shake of your head before answering, “no, not really.” You catch a whiff of the cologne on your wrist when you lift your glass to your lips.

“Oh,” she sulks her shoulders and then sinks down into the booth again, her head falling onto Minato’s shoulder. The man stiffens a bit and then there’s a content smile playing at his lips. A hint of a smile develops on your face too at the sight when you put two and two together. What an adorable little crush. It makes you feel sick.

Kai pours you some more Soju the second you drink down the last of it in your glass, and you nod to him as a thanks. “Pretty sure most of my photos from the first half are fucked,” he says, dragging the opening of the bottle against the rim of your glass before pulling it away, “didn’t realize until way later that my aperture was way off.”

You bring the glass to your lips, inhaling before taking a sip. You’re about to speak up about that when Minato beats you to it.

“Are you serious?” he asks, disappointed, like they’re suddenly talking business now. “I better see some good shots. Your side was where most of the action took place. Like that through-pass, tight behind the defensive line, from Nanami Kento to Gojo Satoru before he sunk it a couple mins before the half ended.”

You choke a little on your Soju at the mention of Gojo’s name, and then all three of them are looking at you. You wave a hand in front of your face. “Sorry.” 

Kai grumbles something under his breath and then stuffs a piece of pork belly into his mouth. “Yeah, whatever, man. I’m pretty sure I got some good ones. Don’t worry.”

Dinner goes on like that, where you count the number of times Kai thinks that someone saying something funny across the table is an excuse to press his thigh against yours, but at least the cute way that Hana and Minato seem to inch closer to one another all night is enough to put you at some sort of bitter ease. But that unsettling feeling in your stomach from a couple of hours ago still lingers.

The four of you stand outside the restaurant, heels rocking back and forth in the cold as you all take up the last chance to debrief the day, and then Minato’s glancing at his watch.

“Alright, it’s probably time to head back. We can all share a ride to the hotel, it’s cheaper that way,” Minato says. Hana’s clinging to his sleeve.

“Oh, uh, I was going to stay here. There’s a cool camera shop around the corner. I was gonna check it out,” Kai says, pointing over his shoulder before glancing at you. “Wanna come? I saw they’ve got used film cameras.”

You twiddle with the hotel key card in your pocket. It’s cheap plastic, could break easily with just the right amount of pressure. Like your resolve right now. “Sure.”

He smiles at you.

“Alright, well I need to get this one back to her room,” Minato says with a sigh, pointing to Hana, “so I’ll see you all at the next game?”

You and Kai nod at him and then watch as he walks away with Hana on his arm towards the curb, pulling his phone out to call for a ride.

“Where’s this camera shop at?” you ask Kai once the silence between the two of you stretches out a little too long. 

“It really is just around the corner,” he says, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He starts walking down the row of miscellaneous shops and establishments under dim street lighting, and you follow after him before the two of you circle to the adjacent end. A tiny shop in the distance catches your eye. The LED sign above the storefront was blinking sporadically, and read 17th St Camera & Rentals, except half the letters were extinct of any light. Next to it was a 24/7 liquor store.

It’s only when you walk right up to it that you realize the sign dangling behind the glass door that says closed.

“Oh. Bummer,” Kai comments in a flat tone. “I swear it was open before I got to the restaurant.”

You sigh, pulling your phone out to glance at the time. “Yeah, at 8pm? It’s past 10 now.”

He looks at you and taps the camera case still hung at his neck. “That’s fine. I’ve still got a camera to show you, anyways.”

You blink your eyes at him, suddenly feeling a bit exhausted and then glance over your shoulder at the curb of the street to see if Minato & Hana were still there waiting for a ride. You don’t see them anymore. 

A distraction. Wasn’t that what you wanted?

“Yeah, show me.”

Kai seems to know the area better than you, since he walks down the haphazardly lain sheets of concrete across the ground with more confidence than a tourist would. The thought occurs to you that maybe the newsletter photographers have eaten here before during their time in Kyoto.

“What made you start working with the newsletter?” you ask, glancing at him as the two of you walk down further, into what seems like a neighborhood.

He shrugs. “First job I could find out of college. I had a lot of freelance experience, so I’m assuming that’s why they hired me.” He nudges your arm with his elbow. “What about you?”

“I’ve known Utahime for a while. She was impressed with my work.”

“Ahh, connections,” he muses, “smart. That’ll get you far as an artist.”

He suddenly stops walking and peers off to the right, into a darkness that you can’t really make anything out of until you’ve spent a few seconds staring too. He walks in that direction, the loud echoing stomps of his boots on concrete no longer audible once he crosses the threshold onto grass, and you follow behind to what seems like a deserted children’s park. You wish there were more trees in the city. There are a lot here in the countryside, and it makes you homesick for something you’re not even sure of.

A gust of wind brushes through, rattling the set of swings hung on rusty chains. The wood chips underneath your feet feel stale, with no snap to them at all as you follow Kai through the playhouses set up in connected fashion. There are two picnic benches, one looks like it’s been freshly painted with faux effort to improve its image in the line of sight of the street, while the other has red paint peeled back to reveal bronze underneath the moonlight, neglected and tucked behind a few trees. The latter is what he chooses.

He slides into the bench, and he shakes his head when he sees you try to take a seat on the other side before patting at the seat beside him. “It’d be easier for you to take a look at my side.”

He has a point, so you sit next to him instead. Although at this point in the night, you were feigning interest. He zips his camera bag open and you take a better look at the lens. There’s no way it was as cheap as he told you it was.

“There’s no way this was as cheap as you told me it was,” you say.

He laughs, pulling the camera out and handing it to you. “Yeah, maybe the guy cut me a deal since I’ve bought from him before.”

You’re smart enough to put the strap around your neck, even though you’re only holding it a few inches above the table, because a camera like this deserves the care and respect. The material is minimalist and sleek, and it’s heavy in your hands. You click the shutter button, screen coming to life with a few mechanic chirps. “Woah. Is it LCD or OLED?”

“LCD.”

“That’s nice,” you say, “paying for the OLED just seems silly to me.”

“I concur, Canon. Color accuracy is king.”

He shuffles to pull something out of his pocket while you continue to inspect the camera in your hands, and you see him fidget with said thing over the table in the corner of your eye. The flick of something and the light of something makes you turn your head to face him, and he’s pinching the end of a joint to his mouth, lighting the other end.

He gives you a glance when you stare for too long, inhaling from it before pulling it from his mouth. “What?” You can see the smoke leave his mouth in the chill of the air.

“Is that why you chose the secluded bench?”

“I did? Didn’t even notice.”

You blink at him, and he places his elbow on the table to lean closer to you. 

“Do you mind it?” he asks.

“No, not really.”

“Wanna smoke with me?” Two fingers pinching the origin of smoke tilt towards you. “This is my good weed, though, so, I charge by the drag.”

“That’s ridiculous, and no thanks. It doesn’t suit me.”

He lets out a laugh, releasing whatever tension he was building in your space, and the smell of weed is nauseating, but at least it's a new sensation to you.

“You’ve gotta be the only film major on the planet that doesn’t smoke weed. How do you manage?” he asks, the orange flicker of his joint being the only color you can distinctly see under the similarly flickering street lights. 

Your finger traces the rim of the camera lens and is careful to not smudge the glass. “I think I manage just fine.”

“Yeah. With delusion,” he says, coughing, scattering smoke into the air this time instead of a clean blow.

You turn a bit in your seat to face him more, placing the camera down. “You’re extremely blunt.”

His eyebrow raises in amusement and you close your eyes with annoyance at the pun. You brush it off.

“I mean, seriously, I get you’re probably just looking out for me, I guess. I appreciate that. But do you really think my dreams of becoming a filmmaker are that far-fetched?” you ask. There’s a crack to your voice at the end that you didn’t like.

He sighs, setting his wrist down on the table. There’s a long pause where he thinks about what to say. Probably the most you’ve seen him consider what words leave his mouth next. “I was in the same shoes as you, y/n. A couple years ago. I, too, had big dreams of making movies. I was going to apply to film grad school as well, although you’re shooting higher than I was at the time. There’s no way I would’ve gotten into UTokyo’s.” He tilts his head to the side a few times while looking straight off ahead. “I sent scripts in everywhere. To every fucking production company, creative agency, you name it. Never got a callback, not even once. While all my fellow grads were landing decent, respectable jobs.” He brings the joint to his mouth again, but he doesn’t inhale, just bitterly bites it. “I could’ve went on like that, but,” his brow furrows, “I’ve seen my peers torture themselves for years for those dreams of theirs. I swore I wouldn’t be one of them. Because they’re all delusional fucks.” He finally glances at you. “Are you one, too?”

Your shoulders drop a little and your lips purse. “I don’t know yet. It’s too early to say.” 

“It’s never too early to say, if the outcome is all the same,” he tells you. 

You consider his words for a moment. It’s the easy way out. You should consider yourself lucky. Everyone wants a reason, a sign, to turn away from the one thing they’re scared to think about. And here he was, giving that to you on a silver platter.

But if what you wanted was really all that fragile, then it means there’s nothing to show for any of it. For all the effort it took you to get here, and all the effort you’re still willing to give. 

“I’ll keep going until I fail,” you say, “or until I succeed.” It’s not really something you say for him, but for yourself.

He juts his bottom lip out and raises his eyebrows, slowly nodding his head, like he’s impressed by you. But his posture remains lax. “I mean, you’re working this job. You’ve got some sort of plan, at least. It’s not like I’m your parent to tell you what to do and what not to do.” He finally takes another drag, eyebrows pinching together at the same time his fingers pinch close to the burn of his joint to pull it away. “What’s that one saying? You can take a horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink.”

“Wow. You don’t sound a day older than sixty-five.”

He smirks at you. “You’ve got a lot of attitude, Canon. Where does it come from?”

You sink a little in your seat, turning away from him to look down at your hands that were still messing with the features of his camera. “My annoying feelings lately.”

“Feelings about what?”

You consider telling the truth. But you don’t. “My car is in repair and I’m not sure I can afford to pay for the bill, since things keep coming up with it.” It was the thing at the top of your mind at the moment though, for some reason, so partially truthful.

He laughs. “Yeah, cars have a way of doing that when you’re finally getting caught up on bills.”

“At what point does spontaneously picking up random, obscure jobs go from omg I’m so excited to have this opportunity to I just need the money?” you ask.

“You mean you’re not already at that point yet?” he says with a scoff. “Soon, then.”

You sigh.

“Y’know I used to work at this lousy cinema a few miles away from Central,” he tells you, hand tapping the table with a rhythm that makes no sense. “Busted my ass working minimum wage on night shifts because I thought I’d catch a big break in conversation with a director, as if Martin Fucking Scorcese would choose to host his opening night at a random Edwards in Tokyo.” His tapping on the table stops. “Tell me that isn’t pathetic as hell.”

“That’s pathetic as hell.”

“The things you’ll do for money,” he says with a sigh. He sounds detached, like it’s really just a message for you.

You lick your lips, skin feeling dry from the wind that occasionally brushes by, and when you glance at Kai again, there’s a grit to his jaw.

“Should’ve been born as one of those damn college athletes,” he grumbles, sucking in fast through the joint that was close to withering away. “Those fuckers don’t pay tuition.”

The harsh colors of the soccer team’s color-coded practice schedule on your phone are visible when you blink, as well as the exhaustion under Gojo’s eyes in the warm lighting of the hotel lobby earlier tonight. “They work hard.”

He looks at you. “I work hard, too.”

Your shoulders tense. “I’m sure.”

“You work hard as well.” Just to include you.

“Yeah.”

“I mean, you can’t tell me that it’s fair.”

Your mind wanders to some of the people you’ve met on that team, who have been nice to you. You think of Gojo, and the memory of him makes you wish you were with him right now. Despite everything.

“I guess it’s not fair,” is all you say, a tactic to diffuse the conversation, one that you’ve had to use twice with him today. The sound of the swing chains clinking together from the wind in the distance runs a chill down your spine.

You feel heavy in your chest, and you glance at the joint pinched in between Kai’s fingers. He’s not keeping an eye on it, so it’s easy to steal, and you bring it to your lips before sucking in. You instantly let out a few coughs. He’s looking at you with surprise. And you’re still in desperate need of that distraction you’ve been craving.

“How long does it take for it to kick in?” you ask, coughing again and pressing a hand to your chest.

“Super long when you can barely stomach a single drag.”

You try again. He watches you. You swear you feel a buzz this time, and you hand the joint back to him. You feel like you’re having an out-of-body experience.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Good,” you tell him, “really good.”

“That’s gotta be placebo, Canon.”

“No, really,” you sigh it. Even if it was, maybe your mind was just blessing you with a single moment of reprieve. “I feel…really good,” you say with your head in a haze. “Best I’ve…” you don’t know why you have to blink back tears, “best I’ve felt this whole week.”

Kai’s silent next to you. You look over at him, and he’s got a scrutinizing expression on his face. His eyes are glazed. “You seeing anyone right now, Canon?”

It’s the savory question you know has been on the tip of his tongue. Ignorantly asked, as if you would’ve been sitting here with him right now in the dead of night if the answer was yes. 

“No.”

He’s leaning towards you, and you’re dazed and also sleepy. His face is close now, there’s an urge to giggle, which means there’s no way this is all just placebo, and when his lips dip towards yours, you’re conscious enough to push him away by a weakly fisted hand pressed to his collarbone.

“Oh. I. Um,” you stutter.

“What?” he asks, eyebrow raised, still close to you.

“No. No thanks.” Because it felt wrong. 

He fully pulls away from you, and runs a hand through his hair, a deep sigh leaving him. “Alright.”

You’re breathing faster now, surroundings feeling vague, like you’re in sweltering heat but the air only bites cold.

You stand up suddenly. “I…I want to go back.”

“Go back where?”

“To the hotel. To my room.” You pause. “I mean, by myself. Not with you. We can share a ride, though.”

He stands up too, hands reaching for you, gripping the straps of his camera still hung around your neck and he pulls it off to place it back into the case. You feel like you’ve lost favor with him somehow. “Okay. Sure.” 

“But not with you.” You felt the need to clarify again.

“I get it, Canon. It’s fine.”

—

“Maybe you just need to fuck him aggressively without mercy.”

“I beg your finest pardon?”

You’re sitting in a booth inside this streetside KFC with Mina sitting across the table, waving a fry around in the air, and with Nobara next to you as she tries to open a packet of ketchup with her teeth. The hangout the three of you have been hyping up all week, just to be sat in the same place you always go to. You were about to take a bite out of your sandwich, but you set it back down on your tray.

Mina points the fry at you and shrugs. “I’m saying. Maybe you’re having such a hard time getting over Gojo because you got so close to fucking him in that bathroom, but you didn’t, and now you’re in, like, this constant state of edging.” She bites down on the fry. “The clit knows what the heart doesn’t.”

“Your theories never fail to amaze me,” you mumble, sinking further into the booth. 

“Perhaps it’ll take the edge off.” Mina sucks through the straw of her Diet coke. Nobara finally succeeds in opening her packet of ketchup.

“I doubt it. Besides, I technically already gave him an invitation to,” you say, fingers rubbing at your eye with a swipe as you wince from the memory, “and he rejected me, so, still swimming in the self hatred from that one.”

Mina hums. “There’s no way he’s not foaming at the mouth for it, y/n. Men never let a meal they were craving go unfinished,” she states, dramatically stabbing a chicken nugget with a fork.

“What kind of pigs do you guys associate yourselves with?” Nobara asks. She’s a lesbian, by the way.

“I raise another question. Why are we talking about this in a public restaurant?” you offer.

“Listen, babes,” Mina continues, like your words fall on deaf ears because she’s got some point to make, “it’ll either poof. Make your feelings go away like the drop of a hat because you find out he’s a bad lay. Or it’ll be so good that you realize you’re never getting over him and you’ll be thinking of his dick instead of your husband’s on your wedding night.”

“We’re. In. A. Public. Restaurant.”

Mina steals a biscuit from your tray. “If it ends up being the first outcome, then the whole thing was my idea. If it’s the second…then just know that Nobara has steered you wrong.”

“Why the hell do you have to drag me into this?” Nobara asks.

You’re about to take a bite from your sandwich again when you’re interrupted by the buzzing of your phone in your purse. You pull it out and glance at the caller ID, then let out a sigh.

“Sorry, I have to take this,” you mumble, slipping out of the booth and towards the restaurant’s exit, pushing the tense door open with a gust of fresh air brushed through you.

“Hello?” It’s the car repair man. “Really? I thought you said it was fixed.” Apparently something else came up. “Okay…how much longer will it be in repair?” Much longer than you had thought. “And how much will it cost?” Much more expensive than you had thought. “I don’t know what to say. I mean, really, I feel as though every time I’m on the line with you all, I have to wait longer to get my car back, and the bill just racks up higher.” They’re trying their best. “I know. Is it necessary to fix in order to drive, though?” State laws require it. “Okay…thanks for the update.” And then you hang up without another word, and with all the frustration in the world.

You head back inside and grumble about your car woes to Mina and Nobara, who try their best to respond with interest.

“Why can’t your insurance cover it?” Mina asks.

“Apparently they can’t claim it’s because of those rocks I drove over,” you sigh, “since it looks like it’s been a problem for longer than that.”

“Can you afford it?” Nobara asks.

“Not really,” you say. “I’ll just have to postpone having my car for a bit.”

You sigh with a glance out the window of this fine dining establishment, into the blue skies just beyond, head drowning out the voices of Mina and Nobara as they continue to grill you about all sorts of questions that you don’t have the energy to answer right now. You had another student loan payment to make once you got home today, and just the thought of it makes your heart drop a little. And you realize you just can’t afford to be picky about your financial situation anymore.

—

“Thanks for helping me out with this,” you say, footsteps over familiar grassy hills as you head towards the UTokyo’s practice field, your digital Canon EOS hanging from your neck. 

“Sure,” Kai says as he keeps pace next to you, “why the sudden mission, though?”

You’re gazing off straight ahead, a nervous pit in your stomach since it’s been a while since you’ve walked across this landscape towards the field. 

“I just feel like I need to diversify my income somehow,” you sigh, the buzzwords leaving a bitter taste in your mouth as you say them but it was the reality of your situation, “to make ends meet. When you mentioned freelance work during our conversation last week, it made me think it’s time for me to pick that up too.”

Kai hums. “Yeah, it’s a good plan. I’ll try to show you what I know.”

Once you’ve made it to the top of that hill, the one that oversees the field, your eyes instantly scan the field for familiar silhouettes, and your breath catches in your throat when you spot Gojo passively kicking a ball back and forth between one of his teammates for warm-ups.

It’s the second time you’ve seen him since that argument the two of you had in the hotel lobby, the first being at the post-game conference in which you did everything in your power to swiftly avoid him, and you plan on keeping that up. There’s also an urge to run away, but you’re starting to realize that’s not much of an option anymore.

“Honestly, you don’t really need to worry too much about shutter speed with freelance like you do for shooting sports,” Kai is mumbling next to you as he messes with the settings on his camera, the two of you making your way down the hill towards the field, and you’re not really listening because your eyes are on Gojo, who’s yelling something across the field to his teammates with a look of concentration on his face.

“Uh huh, I see,” you say. You see Kai glance at you in his periphery.

“You again!” you hear a familiar harsh voice call out, and you turn on your heel to face Coach Yaga who’s standing a few feet away in his custom UTokyo tracksuit with his arms crossed against his chest. “Why are you on my field?”

You hold your breath for a second. “Hi, Coach Yaga, so sorry, but I’m just here to take some more photos.”

He lets out one of his hmphs, unrelenting. “You’re a distraction. Get off my field.”

“D-Distraction?”

“Coach!” Suddenly, Geto’s in your line of sight as he emerges with a light jog up to your side. “You should really be nicer to our photographers, they give us a lot of publicity for our games. And publicity means funding.”

Coach Yaga narrows his eyes. “I need all my players focused right now. Even during practice.” He gives you a disapproving glance and you’re still confused, but also weirdly angered.

“Excuse me, Coach Yaga, but last time I checked, this field is technically open for all students. And I’m a student,” you say to him, crossing your arms across your chest now. “So, I can be here if I want.”

You have no idea if that’s true at all, but sometimes you’ve just gotta fake it ‘til you make it.

Coach Yaga grumbles something and then waves his hands in the air. “Fine! I’ve no bandwidth to argue about this anymore! Just don’t distract my players.”

You’re shocked that it worked, and Geto nudges you with an elbow to correct your expression so that Coach Yaga doesn’t catch on to the bullshit you just spewed. 

“Are you here to take some photos?” Geto asks, facing you. He’s got his hands on his hips, breathing slightly fast, some of his hair falling onto his forehead. 

“Yeah, I am, just for practice though. I’m here with—” you glance at Kai, who’s standing with his fists shoved into his pockets, “Kai. He’s also with the newsletter.”

There’s a moment where Geto studies the two of you for a second before speaking. “I know,” he says, extending his hand out for Kai to shake, which he does, “I think I’ve seen you around. Not sure if we’ve formally met, but it’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, likewise.” Kai’s hand is then shoved back into his pocket.

You feel awkward suddenly, and then quickly say something to Geto about how he should probably get back to practice, which he agrees to, and then you’re standing at the chalk sideline with Kai as he shows you the ins and outs about digital photography.

“Have you tried shooting in burst mode?” he asks, switching the feature on your camera and then handing it back to you. You sling the strap around your neck.

“Hm…” you start, pointing your camera across the expanse of the field to multiple areas. The trees off into the distance, the goal posts, Coach Yaga’s yapping Pomeranian. “Not really…” The grass beneath your feet, the sky above your head, and then blurrily focused before settling on Gojo who stood in the distance straight ahead.

You see through your viewfinder that he’s caught sight of you too, a look of surprise on his face seen only by the level of zoom, and you glance up from the screen to make eye contact with him in reality. He’s fully staring at you, and you can barely see the way his expression relaxes from that one of athletic concentration to something wistful and strange that you’ve had a hard time reading lately.

“Canon? Are you even listening?”

“Huh?” you snap out of it and look at Kai. “Sorry. Could you repeat that?” You quickly glance toward Gojo again, and his line of sight points towards Kai now.

“I was asking if you’ve tried panning before,” he says, reaching for your camera, pulling it towards him, but the strap around your neck means you’re pulled closer to him too. 

“Satoru!” Coach Yaga yells in the distance. “Eyes on the ball!” 

“Just got to set your camera to manual mode first,” Kai mutters, confusion in his voice. “Where the fuck is it?” He’s turning your camera in his hands, which only has you stumbling with another small step towards him, your chest pressed flush to his arm, and he looks down at you for a brief second with a smirk on his face.

You hear the sound of a ball being kicked on the field, followed by the shout of one of the players.

“Ah, here, found it,” Kai says, handing your camera back to you, and just as you’re about to say thanks and you hold your camera up, you’re hit straight in the face by a flying object and fall backwards onto the grass with a painful thud.

What the fuck?

Where are you?

Who are you?

Okay, that’s dramatic, it wasn’t that bad.

There’s shouting in the distance as you hold your head with a groan, eyes shut tight with images of your life flashing behind your eyelids, and when you open your eyes again from where you’re sat up on the grass, you’re surrounded by soccer players.

Gojo’s suddenly in your line of sight, knelt down beside you and he’s holding your shoulders, trying to get you to look at him but you’re still blinking away the stars you’re seeing. “Fuck, y/n, are you okay?” he asks, and you register the concern on his face.

“Dude,” one of his teammates kicks the heel of his cleat, “where the fuck were you looking? It was clear as day I was tryna pass to you.”

Gojo grumbles something to him, his brow furrowed, and he’s lowering his head to try to make eye-level contact with you but you’re still holding your head with a wince.

“Oh shit,” Kai comments, “she’s bleeding.”

You pull your hand from your face to glance down at the wetness that you feel, and bright red color stains the tips of your fingers.

The next thing you register is Gojo picking you up off the hard grassy ground into his arms, and starts carrying you away down the field.

“W-What the hell are you doing?” you ask, his pacing across the grass is fast and you have to wrap your arms around his neck to keep from getting dizzy.

“I’m taking you to the hospital,” he says, voice strained in his throat, and you’ve never seen him look so worried before. 

“The hospital?! Please don’t, I don’t have health insurance right now.” His face is so close and you’re distracted from the pain of your headache.

“You’re bleeding on the face, I’m taking you whether you like it or not,” he grumbles.

You dig your nails into his shoulder through the nylon of his shirt, and he hisses from the pain before stopping in his tracks. “I don’t need to go to the hospital, Satoru, I just need a fucking bandaid.”

“You could have a concussion.”

“A concussion?!” You kick your feet for him to let you down but his grip on you only tightens. “You’re being ridiculous. Let me go, or I’ll bite you.”

He scoffs at that and continues walking forward. “You’re gonna bite me? That’s the most threatening thing you could come up with?”

“I’m being so dead serious, Gojo Satoru. No hospital.”

He grumbles something under his breath at your use of his full government name, and then says “fine” but he’s still walking down the grass until his cleats begin to tap on concrete, and then on what sounds like tile as he carries you into a building a few yards from the field.

He seats you on a cold counter, your hand gripping the faucet of a sink, and you finally take a comprehensive look at your surroundings. light blue, faint scent of chlorine in the air

“Is this…a locker room? The men's locker room?”

He sighs, bending his knees a bit to look at your face closely. You flinch when his hand reaches out, and he pauses, but you relax slightly and then he rubs his thumb over your cheek. You feel the smear of a droplet of blood. “Yes. I need running water.” He turns the faucet of the sink on to run his thumb under.

“For what?” you ask. His thumb is running over your cheek again.

“To take care of this cut.” He disappears behind a tile wall for a moment. You can hear metal clanking, probably of a locker opening and closing, and he re-emerges with a first-aid kit.

You slide your butt across the counter to the edge, about to hop off and make a run for it when he grabs your hips and puts you back into place. “Don’t even think about it,” he grumbles. He leans forward, grips you strongly, and you see that he’s still breathing heavily from practice, strands of hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, and you can practically taste the salt on his neck. 

You press your shin to the front of his thigh, desperate to put some space between the two of you. “I don’t wanna be in here. Men are scary.”

“Well I can’t take you into the women’s locker room,” he says, ripping the packet of an antiseptic wipe open with his teeth, “I’d get registered as a sex offender.”

You attempt at an escape again, and he’s quick to get his hands on you to stop it.

“Quit manhandling me, or I’ll scream,” you threaten through gritted teeth, because you’re still mad at him. For everything.

“Go ahead,” he says, using his knee to spread your legs apart, then finds a place to stand between your thighs to get closer to you. “I’ve got a lot of ways I could shut you up.”

You blink at him, breath catching in your throat, and the expression on his face tells you he’s not interested in dealing with your stubbornness anymore.

“Just hold still,” he grumbles, placing the packet down on your thigh and then stepping off to the side to wash his hands under the sink.

“What exactly happened?” you ask, watching him dry his hands off with a few paper towels. One moment, Kai was trying to explain good digital photography to you, and the next you were dizzy from being knocked back onto the ground.

“You got hit by a soccer ball.”

“I know, but how?” You remember your camera hit your face from the impact too, and now you’re worried about it.

“I…wasn’t paying attention when my teammate passed it,” he admits with a sigh, finding his place in front of you again, the knuckles of his clean hand brushing across your cheek, caressing. Your expression softens slightly. He uses a hand spread across the small of your back to push you forward to him, then he gently passes the wipe over your wound.

“Oh okay so, you failed to protect me from a flying soccer ball.” 

He pulls his hand from you to read the lettering on the back of the packet. “I’m patching you up now, aren’t I?” he says, annoyed. “…oh fuck, I was supposed to go in with water first.”

“So glad to be in such good hands right now.” 

He gives you a pointed look, but you ignore it and turn your torso to see your reflection in the mirror for the first time. You had a small wound on your cheek, right over the bone, with some bleeding and it’s wider than it is deep. But when you look at Gojo again, who’s putting some ointment onto a Q-tip now, the look of guilt and worry on his face makes you feel satisfied for some reason, and you wanted to make it worse.

“Does it hurt?” he asks, brow furrowed, applying the cold gel to your cheek.

“Mhm. A lot.” Not really, no.

“Fuck. I’m sorry,” he sighs, head dipping towards you slightly to get a better look, “can you feel this?”

“Ahh, yeah. Ouch. So much.” Barely.

His other hand is placed flat on the counter next to where you’re sitting, and you allow it when his thumb starts to run soothing circles over your hip.

“Hmm…” you start, wide eyes looking up at him as he seems to lean closer and closer to you with every word that leaves your lips, “I really wonder if it’ll leave a scar.”

He looks tortured. His hand that was maneuvering the Q-tip in his hands drops to the counter now, and he brings his other one to your face, cupping your cheek. His eyes dart from the wound, thumb pressing at the plush of your cheek, and this time, it hurts a little so you wince. His expression is tense, some sort of inner turmoil you could read across his forehead, and then his jaw hardens.

“Who was that guy you were talking to earlier?”

You blink a few, then tilt your head slightly. You feel like you’re on a game show, where there’s four options and only one right answer. New boytoy, gay best friend, fuck buddy, or— “He’s my coworker.”

“That’s it?”

“Mhm.”

“Has he tried anything funny with you?” 

You almost roll your eyes. “No, dad, he hasn’t.”

“Woah. Say that again but make it daddy.”

“Hey just a quick question for you. Where do you get the audacity?”

His bent index finger finds a place under your chin, tilting your head up so you’re forced to look at him. “It’s your fault, really. I can’t help it sometimes,” he says, voice lower now. You’re squirming a little, wanting to push him away but his lips get close to your cheek, brushing near your wound, like he wants to make it all better somehow. “I really am sorry,” he whispers, near your ear. There’s a whimper you have to stifle in your throat. He pulls aways just enough to where he can look into your eyes. “A cut…” he starts, thumb now passing over your bottom lip, “on your pretty face.” He sighs. You shouldn’t, but when he prods, you tuck his thumb under your front teeth and your tongue presses slightly against the padded skin of it. He looks like he’s being driven to insanity, and his other hand has no shame at all in pulling you towards him, to seat you at the edge of the counter, and you miss the texture of his thumb on your tongue when he pulls it from your mouth. But it’s so he can dip his head down to kiss you instead.

Of course the sensation of his lips on yours only lasts for a second, because the universe really fucking hates (or loves?) you, so the loud clanking of a metal water bottle against tile interrupts with harsh reverberation throughout the locker room walls, and he pulls away from you when you jump at the sound.

You both turn your heads towards the origin, located at the curved end of the entryway hall, and one of Gojo’s teammates is standing there with his duffle bag slung around his neck and hanging heavily to his thigh, his water bottle clutched in his hand. He blinks at the two of you.

Oh. It’s the one you kissed at that party a few weeks ago.

“What—…Why is there a—” his teammate starts, panicked, turning his head to double check the sign on the locker room wall as if he’s hallucinating, and when his eyes land on you again, they widen with recognition. His gaze shifts, and his chin tips down at the sight of Gojo’s irritated side eye from where he was still all up in your personal space. “…you know what. Nevermind.”

His teammate’s eyes are on you again, and you give him a shy little wave, just a fluttering of your fingers in the air paired with a small smile, legs swinging back and forth under the counter. He lets out an amused scoff from the entryway, lifting his hand to return the gesture, some cheeky grin on his face as he then scratches the back of his head before turning on his heel to leave the locker room, out of sight. You let out a sigh, hand dropping to your lap, and you don’t need to look at Gojo to tell that he’s staring at you with disbelief.

“What the fuck was that—”

“You,” you interrupt him, finger jabbing at the center of his chest, “have seriously got a lot of fucking nerve,” you hop off the counter, “to not only allow a soccer ball to sock me in the face,” he’s taking a step back with every harsh jab of your finger, “but to also hold me hostage in a mens’ locker room,” his back is pressed up against cold tile wall now while he just looks down at you with wide eyes and something akin to fear, “and then, oh my god, the audacity to kiss me?”

“I—”

“I don’t wanna hear it!” you yell, which shuts him up. “You really are just a fucking player.”

He’s stiff, not wanting to catch a punishment from you right now.

“But it doesn’t matter,” you grumble, still drilling your finger into his ribcage with the intent to cause pain. You didn’t need to be this close, but his body is warm, probably due to the blood pumping from practice, and it feels nice to be pressed up against. “Because I don’t have feelings for you anymore, so just fucking get over yourself.” It was a lie if you’ve ever told one, but you wanted to believe it so much that it could come off as the truth.

His eyes narrow down at you, eyebrows flattening. “You don’t have feelings for me anymore?”

“No, I don’t.”

“I don’t believe you.”

You roll your eyes. “Why? Because you want me to keep suffering?”

He grabs your hips, then makes a motion that is evident of his desire to pull you flush to him, but he stops himself. There’s a moment where he just takes a few deep breaths and looks at you with a hardened expression, then a split second where his eyes fall to that little cut on your cheek, and every single feature of his face softens, and then he lets you go.

You take a small step back, breathing heavily of your own, and you feel the ghost sensation of his fingertips wrapped around your hips. It makes you feel dizzy, and your thoughts are a mess. 

He sighs. “Sorry. For the soccer ball, and this locker room. But I’m not really sorry for kissing you, and if that makes me a jerk, then so be it.”

Your heart is beating fast. “You are a jerk, Satoru,” you say. He doesn’t like you, he doesn’t want you. A mantra played over and over in your head that you’ve started to hear it at night. “A real fucking jerk.” And you leave him standing there in a way that feels like the hundredth time.

—

2:34pm kaito (work): yo

2:34pm kaito (work): i had my guy look at your camera

2:35pm kaito (work): it’s pretty fucked up

2:37pm you: :( oh okay isee. does he have an estimate for the fix? the lens is okay though right?

2:39pm kaito (work): yeah lens is fine, you should really count your blessings on that. 

2:40pm kaito (work): but nah, fix would be around the same as the cost of it, so you’re better off getting a new one

2:42pm you: i don’t have thousands of yen laying around unfortunately. my car bill has sucked me dry

2:44pm kaito (work): well let me check with him. maybe he can hook you up with a good deal on a used one

2:45pm kaito (work): i got a 50% off on one of my canon cameras i bought from him a few years back. maybe he’s still got some like that

2:46pm you: yes could you check with him please? thanks so much, really

2:48pm kaito (work): sure. although i think the guy that kicked the ball to your face should be paying for your camera replacement

2:51pm you: they were just practicing. it’s their field

2:56pm kaito (work): alright. btw, you free tonight?

You blink at your phone screen from where you were sprawled across your bed. Before you have a chance to type out a response, your phone lights up with a phone call from kaito (work). You accept the call.

“Oh, hi,” you say.

“Hey, are you free tonight?”

“Oh uhh, I was just about to check my schedule.” You shake your head at your inability to come up with an excuse on the spot.

“Okay,” he says on the other line. You hear the sounds of cars honking in the distance. “Well let me know. I just left my camera guy’s shop, and he was telling me about how one of his friends does visuals for a short-film director, and that the director is looking for an assistant.” Kai grumbles something about someone he walked past being rude. “I think the director’s agency is Verve Films, so.”

You sit up in bed, eyes wide at the mention of the name. “Oh, oh wow. That’s insane.”

“Yup,” he says, “anyways, apparently the director is busy as fuck, so he left the hiring process up to my camera guy’s friend. I told him I knew someone that might be interested. Are you?”

You take a deep breath in and out. “Yeah, I am. Most of my experience on my resume lines up with short-film, so I’d be able to—”

“Alright great,” he interrupts, “so we can hold the interview tonight.”

“We?” you ask.

“Well yeah, me, my camera guy, the hiring guy. Maybe go for drinks or something.”

Your brow furrows. “That hardly sounds like an interview.”

Kai sighs. “Well, it’s not an interview for a desk job or something. It’s more of like—well, like building connections. I know you know all about that, since Utahime got you the newsletter job.”

Well, yes. She put a word in for you, which helped get the interview, but you still went against qualified applicants. “I guess.”

“It’ll be like that. Most opportunities you’ll get if you still want to pursue filmmaking are going to be like that,” he tells you, “if it feels informal, it means you’re doing it right. You might not think so now because you’re still in school, where they practically serve opportunities to students on platters, but it’s going to be different in the real world.”

You lay your head back onto the pillow, feeling like you’re receiving a lecture you didn’t ask for, and your first instinct is to pretend that you know better than he does. But when you think about all the stress recently, all of the not knowing, and the unsure, you question if you should start leaning into the advice of the people around you, and start to accept this career path for what it’s known to be. Unruly, unconventional, and a lot of times, unfair. 

“I see. Well, can I think about it? Tonight is too soon, I’d need time to research the director, put a portfolio together, and also do some interview prep,” you say, pulling your phone from your ear to glance at the time.

“Well, tonight’s the only night that works since their team’s shooting abroad for the weekend and they leave tomorrow morning,” he says.

You purse your lips together.

“But also,” Kai says, “it’s the nice thing to do, y’know, since my camera guy is taking the time to look at your camera for free, you could at least help his friend out. By the way, he just texted me, he does have some used Canons available at discount.”

You close your eyes for a second, just trying to process this conversation right now. Kai was speaking too fast, hardly enough time for you to even think.

“So do you want to do the interview tonight?”

“Yes, sure. Okay. Just— just send me the details. I’ll be there,” you say.

“Alright cool, will do.” 

You say bye, and then he hangs up.

A few hours pass by, where you spend some time putting together a flash drive of a couple of your best short films you’ve worked on in the past with other directors, as well as a portfolio of some recently developed film photography. The last thing to do was grab your emergency stash of print outs of your resume, and then you stuff it all into a folder before glancing at the mirror to take in your reflection. It felt extremely weird to show up to a job interview in something as casual as what you were wearing right now, but Kai insisted to not wear anything business. But at least you opted for jeans that don’t have any DIY holes in them.

Your face is glued to the navigation on your phone screen the second you get out of the taxi, and you walk down the bustling nightlife streets of Tokyo to get to this bar that Kai sent you the address of. But just as you’re about to turn the corner to your destination down the bar strip, you bump into someone’s chest due to lack of paying any proper attention.

“Ah— I’m so sorry,” you say, your grip on your phone tightening when you realize it was about to get knocked out of your hand, and then you look up to see a familiar face.

“Oh!” Geto exclaims from where he’s standing right in front of you, “You’re everywhere, y/n. What are you doing here?”

You open your mouth to speak, hesitate for a second, and then continue. “I’m here to…get drinks with some of my friends.”

He gives you a smile. “That’s nice. I am too.” He points over his shoulder to behind him. “Nanami got into his MBA program earlier this week, so, Satoru, Choso and I are buying him a few rounds. Or possibly a million. The plan is to incapacitate him as punishment for giving up on playing in the national league with us.”

You humor him with a laugh. “That’s sweet. Or not? Well anyway, tell him I said congrats.” Your heart starts to beat a little faster, because from the direction Geto came from, it meant Gojo was likely just around the corner somewhere. “Where are you heading to now?”

“We’re bar hopping, and I think I forgot my phone at the last one we went to over there,” he says, pointing across the street. “So I’m going to go look for it.” 

“Oh alright,” you say. “Good luck with that. I’m going to go find my, uh, my friends.”

Geto tilts his head at you and had a slightly more serious expression on his face, glancing at the folder in your hands. “Thanks. And stay safe.” 

You nod at him and then walk past him to round the corner onto the street that had groups of people loitering in front of restaurants, bars and all sorts of establishments as they wait in the cold to get inside or be seated. You recognize the name on one of the signs hanging as the one Kai sent you in his message, and when you’re a few feet away from it, you spot Kai. He’s wearing his typical street photographer wear, with a red flannel over a gray shirt and pants that are possibly a size too big for him, but that’s likely the style he was going for. He’s standing with two other people.

“Hey,” you greet Kai first, who has a pleasant look on his expression before he greets you back and gestures to the two people he was with.

“Yo, this is Junichi, my camera guy,” he says. “Don’t bother shaking his hand, he’s a germaphobe. Gotta keep ‘em clean for the electronics.”

“Oh,” you say. Junichi is a big man, broad shoulders and thick muscles. His neck is almost as thick as his bicep, and he has no hair on his head. His arms are crossed. “It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for taking a look at my camera.”

He nods at you in acknowledgment. “Sure thing. Pretty Boy here says you want to buy one of my used Canons. I don’t refurbish them, so you’d better know how.”

Kai sighs, nudging Junichi a little with a fist. “Relax, dude, we can talk about that later. Also, stop calling me that.”

Your eyes flicker to the right, where another man stood, who you assume was Junichi’s friend and this Verve Films director’s visual effects specialist. He’s similar in stature to Kai, with that casual artist look, and he has a scuffle of facial hair littering his jaw in less of an intentional fashion but rather a five-o-clock shadow fashion. You vaguely register the scent of weed, familiar to the one that lingers in the photo lab on campus after class hours. He reaches his hand out to you first.

“Hi, I’m Ren. I work in visual effects for director Akira Ko at Verve.”

Your eyes widen as you shake his hand.  “That’s amazing. I’ve studied a lot of his contemporary works, I’d love to learn more about his process.”

Ren lets a fast exhale out through his nose. “Yeah, you’ll learn a lot under him.” He pauses to shove his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “Most of his assistants always do.”

“We’ve been waiting for too damn long,” Kai interjects before you could ask any questions about the assistant position, and he glances at his watch, “and there’s still a lot of people ahead of us.”

You glance around to the small groups of people gathered in front of this bar on a lively Friday night, eyes jumping from one area to the next, until a familiar silhouette catches your eye.

You see Gojo standing with Nanami and Choso a few strides away, near the lamppost. He’s mostly turned away from you, Nanami nudging his arm annoyed at something he said, and the sound of his laughter in the air makes your heart feel like it’s at stray. Like that was where you were supposed to be right now, not here.

You watch him from the distance as he sighs, shrugging his shoulders up and down slightly before crossing his arms when Choso gestures towards the entrance of the bar, and so he looks in that direction too. He’s frowning slightly and he brushes some of the hair fallen over his forehead away from his eyes, in that boyish way that makes your heart skip a beat, and you know he’s just doing it to see a little bit better, but it makes you want to cry. 

Geto walks up to them and rejoins their little circle, and holds his phone up in the air, and then there’s the melody of their voices bouncing off one another’s again. Geto rests his elbow up onto Gojo’s shoulder, leaning in a bit closer to tell him something, and when Gojo hears it, you see his entire body tense before his wide eyes are searching his surroundings, until those eyes land on you.

Your breath catches, and you hold his eye contact for only a moment before you look away, because it almost felt like too much to bear.

“What’s that folder in your hand?” Ren asks you, and you turn completely to face him so you can’t see Gojo in your periphery at all anymore.

“I just brought some of my work, for your—er, I guess Mr. Ko’s—reference if he’d like to see it after today’s…interview,” you say. “There’s a flashdrive, too.”

Ren has an amused look on his face and he shoves Kai’s shoulder with his palm. “Dude, you didn’t tell her?”

Kai shakes his head. “Tell her what?”

“Ohh, I see how it is,” Ren muses.

“What?” Kai asks, starting to sound annoyed.

Ren tips his chin up slightly to study Kai’s face, and then his look of amusement dissipates into one of understanding. “Nothing.”

“Tell me what?” you prod.

“Just that you didn’t really need to bring all of that with you,” he says. “Sorry for the trouble.”

You shake your head. “It’s fine, but if you could still give it to him—”

“I’m surprised Kai suggested someone when I asked if he knew anyone,” Junichi jumps in, “I’m used to him grumbling on and on about how shit the work is in filmmaking. Would’ve thought he’d convinced you to look the other way by now.”

You blink at the gruff man, then look at Kai, and he’s just staring down at the dirt of his shoes. “Well, we had a conversation about it. But I’m pretty set on what I want to do,” you say.

Kai lets out a scoff. “Yeah, I don’t really know how else to warn you about the shit show you’re in for, but if you want to be in debt to grad school for the next couple decades of your life, then it’s up to you.”

“Hey, jackass, try to be a bit nicer,” Ren speaks up. “She’s got some goals. Big fuckin’ deal.” He turns to you. “Although, he’s got a point sweetheart, school’s not going to get you anywhere in this industry.”

You frown. “A lot of directors I look up to went through graduate schooling. Most, I would say. I don’t understand where this rhetoric is coming from.”

“It’s coming from real people with real experience,” Ren says, and you dislike the way he takes a step closer to you to reiterate his point, “honestly, you should save yourself some time and give up on applying. It’s not worth it.”

“I’ve already put my application together,” you say, brow furrowing slightly, “I’ve asked professors for my references, spent the past four years working on my profile—” 

“But working under a director, I mean really getting to work under one, beats all of that. Which is why you’re here, right?” Ren asks, but it’s not curious, it’s testing.

You feel a sheen of sweat build at your forehead, even in this cold, and you clench your hand into a fist once, twice, thrice. You’re breathing fast, and the three sets of eyes that are staring so scrutinizingly into your soul right now have you faltering, like if they took another step forward, tried to intrude what you thought you knew one more time, you’d fall backwards over the cliff.

Suddenly, a hand wraps around your upper arm, and when you turn your head to the left, you see Gojo standing there.

“Hey,” he says to you, sparing one single sidewards glare towards Kai, who immediately averts the eye contact, before Gojo’s eyes are on you again, “can I talk to you for a second?”

You look at the three men in your circle, who suddenly adopt skittish body postures, and Gojo doesn’t really wait longer than a few seconds before he’s pulling you away from them over towards the edge of the curb towards the street.

“What?” you ask once he lets go of your arm.

“What are you doing here with those guys?” he asks.

“I’m—…why does it matter to you?” you ask.

“It matters to me because of the fucking absurd conversation I just overheard,” he says, “now answer me.”

His tone annoys you, and you cross your arms. “Are you eavesdropping?”

“I’m going to ask you one more time,” he says, taking a step forward to you, “who are those guys, and why are you here with them?”

You blink at him, furrowed brows relaxing slightly as you drop your crossed arms to your side, and you stare straight ahead at the blankness of the white t-shirt he’s wearing, as your mind runs blank to his question. Why were you here with them? Was it because you had no other plans? Was it because the opportunity sounded too good to be true, and you just had to see for yourself? Was it because you’ve been unable to sleep at night from all the stress, the financial worries, the rejection, and you just want to finally feel like you’ve done one good thing for yourself? To feel like you’re at least making one step in the right direction, no matter the cost?

“I’m here for a job interview,” you say to him. Your tone is flat, and you feel numb.

“A job interview?” he asks, with just about as much incredulity you would’ve expected to hear from him at that answer, “At a bar? How does that make any sense?”

“It…” you start, “sounded fine.”

“It sounds shady as fuck.”

“This doesn’t concern you, okay? I’m—…I’m just trying to make my goals work for me, Satoru, and I really don’t expect you to understand.”

“Why wouldn’t I understand?” he asks. There’s confusion in his voice, and maybe even a little bit of hurt.

“Because you can’t even understand how unfair and painful it is for me that you keep—” you have to purse your lips together briefly to fight back the knot in your throat, “…that you keep interfering with my life everywhere I go.”

His expression softens, and he silently stands in front of you for a moment. His eyes dart across your face, and then he reaches out to grab your hand. “Listen, if you still want to get drinks tonight, then just get drinks with us. But don’t hang out with those guys. They’re bad news, especially the dude with the flannel, and I don’t think you’re in a good place right now to see that.”

Your eyes see white fury at that, and you all but snap. Because the irony of this whole situation, is that you’re not in a good place right now because of him. Because of all the pain that he’s put you through, for promising to stay away but then always being near, for saying he doesn’t want you but then acting like he does. 

“You know what I think, Satoru?” you ask through gritted teeth, yanking your hand from his grasp.

He’s looking at you, studying. “What?”

You take a step forward, threateningly, and he takes a step back so that he steps off the curb and onto the road, and you’re at eye-level with him now. “I think that you’re jealous,” you say, eyes glaring daggers into his.

He blinks at you, almost dumbfounded for a moment before he says “what?”

“You’re just fucking jealous that I seem to be moving on after you rejected me, because for some weird reason, you think it’s okay to not want me, and yet not want me to be with anyone else,” you say, practically hissing the words. “You don’t like seeing me with any guys other than you? You don’t want to believe me when I say that I’m over you? You’re not sorry for kissing me? Even after knowing,” you take a pause to breathe, because you feel like you can’t, “even after knowing that I like you,” eyes blinking fast because you don’t want him to see you cry right now, “you know that I like you so fucking much, and that it’s hurtful, and that it’s wrong— and even after all of that, you act the same, and still won’t promise me any commitment of your own.”

He’s looking down at you with an expression you can’t read, but you’ve lost all interest in trying to understand it anymore.

“You don’t want me hanging out with them?” you repeat after him, “I’m not listening to that. Because it’s possessive. And it’s wrong.”

At the mention of them, Gojo clenches his jaw. “That has nothing to do with you and me, right now. What they’re trying to convince you of doesn’t make any sense, and it won’t help you achieve your dreams either, y/n.”

“You don’t know anything about my dreams, Satoru,” you say, just to hurt him. But you think about the sincere expression on his face the first time you met him when you told him that you wanted his help with your assignment. You think about the playful nudge of his elbow that night he stayed with you on the curb, and told you that you just had to try to put yourself out there, because you couldn’t accomplish anything without facing your fears. You think about how he’s always the first to like every single one of the slideshows you post of your pictures on Instagram. You think about the adoration in his eyes, reflected off the moonlight through the hotel window, when you told him about a little cottage on the countryside, one you’ve always wanted, and those eyes told you that he was really rooting for you. “You don’t know. Because you—” there’s an echo of words in your head. Someone else’s words, not yours, “Because you’re a college athlete. And—” you let out an exhale, “and you don’t pay tuition.”

His brow furrows. There’s a beat of silence as his confusion settles in. “What?”

“You were born blessed with talent, and you’re popular, and people adore you, and you don’t have to worry about internships, or jumping from job to job just to make something of yourself,” you say, picturing your life in your head along with all the strife, “or about all of the sinking debt, and the worry, and the— and the car repair bills,” you say, almost with a scoff, eyes sheening with tears, like you’re losing your mind, “all of the fucking car repair bills.” Your chest is heaving as you shake your head. “Because you’re set for life as long as you kick a fucking ball.” 

His lips purse together, like he can tell there’s more on your tongue to say, more hurtful words, and he wants to hear you say them. And so you do.

“You’ve never had to suffer or worry about a single thing in your life. So don’t pretend like you understand what I’m trying to do here tonight,” you say, inflection signing off on the end, to tell him that you’re done. 

He stands in front of you, practically motionless except for the slow movement of his chest as he breathes. His expression, tense and hurt, softens slowly, and you see him digging his nails into the skin of his palms through fidgeting clenched fists at his sides. And then he relaxes them, too.

“Does that make you feel better?” he asks.

His question confuses you, and for some reason, regret washes over you. “What?”

“Does thinking of me that way—…does it make you feel better about all of this? Between us?”

You’re breathing fast, eyebrows pinching upwards to look at him, and the defeated expression on his face makes your heart ache. He’s waiting for an answer, and so you give him one. “Yes.”

He glances down at the ground for a moment, then at your collarbone, before meeting your gaze again. “I’m sorry. For everything. And I—” the words catch in his throat briefly, “I’ll try to leave you alone tonight.”

His use of the word try doesn’t escape you, but you give him a furtive nod, and he studies your face for a few moments before he steps back up onto the curb and walks past you. You watch him walk all the way, no longer with that confidence or conviction you’re so used to seeing in him, as he steps back into his circle, to Geto’s side. Geto gives a small glance over his shoulder to look at you with discerning eyes before looking at Gojo again, and then he’s turned away from you. 

Heavy feet drag you back to Kai, Ren, and Junichi, and you feel feverish. They mention something about the table being ready, and you nod. The bar is rustic, with more tables than barspace, and the four of you are seated and then presented with a small food menu. You’re seated next to Kai, Ren is right across from you, and Junichi is to his right. You watch a waitress usher Nanami, Choso, Geto and Gojo to one of the tables as well, two away from yours, and you forcefully blur your vision so you don’t have to catch sight of the expression on Gojo’s face.

“So,” Ren speaks up as his eyes peruse the food menu and Junichi waves the waitress over to order a round of sake, “tell me more about your experience, sweetheart.”

You blink at him, eyes feeling heavy, heart feeling heavy. “I’d prefer it if you called me by my name.”

Ren lets out a coo, and you briefly glance at Kai who’s shaking his head with a sigh. “My bad, y/n. Your experience?”

Your hands play with the folder sitting in your lap. “I started writing screenplays for small-scale directors when I was a freshman, and was greenlit on a couple into my sophomore year. One of the films I worked on, I had directing credits for, and it was nominated for best screenplay at Etoile Film Festival the year following.”

Ren swallows slightly, shifting in his chair and pushing his shoulders back, like he’s trying to establish himself now. Kai is clenching a fist on the surface of the table.

Ren clears his throat before speaking again. “Wow, okay, so you’ve actually got some serious shit going on.” His voice is a faux octave deeper. “What do you know about being a good assistant? Ever worked in customer service? Secretary?”

“Oh, I mean I have worked in customer service, but I wasn’t done sharing about my experience—” you try to say but Junichi cuts you off.

“First round’s on me,” he declares, “for bringing her out here.” He tips his chin to you and then sends Kai a glance.

A waitress brings by a bottle of sake, and Junichi begins pouring drinks into the glasses, then slides them across the table. Kai gives Ren a pointed look. 

“Don’t get too wasted,” Kai says to him as he brings his glass to his lips, “you start running that mouth of yours a little too much when you do.”

Ren grins at him and immediately knocks down the glass Junichi barely finished pouring from him in one go, and the gruff man beside him is grumbling. “Whatever you say.”

Something had been bothering you since you met the three of them. “Wait,” you say, pointing between Kai and Ren, “do you two know each other already? Because,” you turn to look at Kai, “on the phone earlier, you sounded like you didn’t.”

Kai’s eyebrows raise in surprise, as though he’s discovered you have some skill for foresight. You glance at Ren, and he gives Kai a puzzled look.

“Uh, yeah. I’ve known Kai for years,” he says, “we go way back. We went to highschool together.”

Kai shifts a little in his chair. “Sorry. Probably forgot to mention it.”

You glance down at the glass of sake in front of you, and the way it twinkles under the lighting of the bar. You slowly bring it to your mouth, taking a small sip, and the way it coats your tongue is less than pleasing. 

“Can you tell me more about the assistant position?” you ask Ren, who’s emptied out the bottle of sake and waving someone over to order more. He already has a slightly flush to his face.

“Yeah, yeah, will do,” he says, “but first, let me tell you about what I do in visuals.”

Another round of sake is dropped by, and then another, followed by another, as Ren continues to ramble on and on about what he does for work, and how it’s entirely integral to the final piece of the film, although you’ve never really had a terrible level of appreciation for visual effects in short-film craft, since it’s hardly much work. But you wouldn’t say that, you just continue to nurse your one glass of sake as the three men surrounding you knock back more and more, and there’s slurs to their speeches now.

“Sooo, I’m so sorry, sweetheart—I mean y/n, for cuttin’ you off earlier,” he says, “but what was that experience you wanted to talk to me about?” Ren asks from across the table, and his eyes are all traveling over you.

“I…” you start, “well, I started to work with one of my professors last year, she’s a two-time Cannes Film Festival winner, and she let me under her wing for one of her projects last year.”

“Who is she? Oh wait, nevermind, probably wouldn’t have heard of her anyways,” Ren says, but when you fail to laugh, he waves his hand in the air. “Joking, joking. What’s her name?”

“Naoko. Naoko Ogigami.”

“Oh shit. I have heard of her,” Ren says, followed by a shallow hiccup. Junichi shrugs his shoulders, and when you look at Kai, he’s nodding slowly and toying with the rim of his glass with a finger.

“Yes. Well, anyways—” you start up again, before Kai sets his glass of sake down particularly loud.

“This is all bullshit. Really. I told you, filmmaking is a waste of time. Just focus on your photography, and your freelance or whatnot,” Kai says, grit to his jaw, face looking red with possibly something other than just a tipsiness. 

Ren lets out a laugh. “Fuckin’ Kai. What a pessimist. Don’t listen to him, sweetheart,” he says, slurred, and you furrow your brow at him with a glare, “sorry. Don’t listen to him. Trust me, you’ll learn a lot under Mr. Ko. He’s a suuuper nice guy.”

“What’s the compensation?” you ask. It’s a brazen question, one you’d never ask so soon in a formal interview process, but this table was hardly anything formal.

“Real good. Mmm I think like…5200 yen an hour, and then also, you get your foot in the door.”

“Oh,” you sit up a little in your chair. It was higher than most entry-level anything for undergraduates or even new grads. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he drawls when he sees you’re more interested. “Good stuff. Kai used to pick these kinds of jobs up, too, back in his college days. I remember. Although, he’s hardly Mr. Ko’s type, so I doubt he’d be any good for this one.”

Your head snaps to Ren again at his words, face tensing. 

“Tell her about what a job like this—hic—entails,” Ren says as he extends his glass out for Junichi to pour him another.

Kai glances at Ren once, and you watch him grind his teeth for a moment, and then there’s a hint of a smirk on his face.

“Oh. Y’know, clerical work. Stuff like printing scripts out,” Kai starts, Junichi filling up his glass and then he raises it into the air to watch the liquid swish around, “grabbing him coffee. Making sure his trailer is stocked.”

“Blowing him in said trailer,” Ren says. It’s something quiet, under his breath with a small laugh, where you could barely hear it across the table. But you heard it nonetheless. And your heart sinks to the core of the earth.

“Excuse me?” you say. The benefit of doubt sitting on your shoulder, watching in disbelief as well.

“He’s joking,” Kai says, quickly, “runnin’ his mouth.”

“Oh fuck off, Kai,” Ren says, throwing his hands up in the air, “don’t act like that’s not why you brought her here.”

Your head slowly turns to Kai, who can’t meet your gaze. Your eyes flicker to Junichi, who looks amused. 

Ren leans over the table, elbows resting on top, to look you straight in the eyes. He’s got a sleazy smile, and you can smell the alcohol on his breath, and he dips his tone down low enough to where you can hardly hear it over the sounds surrounding you in the bar. “That’s how you’ll make it in this industry, sweetheart. Whether you like it or not, you’ll be working under those directors until you make it.”

You stand up so fast that your chair falls behind you, hand raised in the air, and you swiftly slap the man across from you so hard across the cheek that it leaves his skin even more red than the flush from before, and your palm is stinging. 

There’s gasps all around the bar, hushed voices, eyes on you, but you don’t care. There’s not a single thing in the world you care more about right now than the anger swelled in your chest.

Ren holds his cheek, surprised, blinking like a pathetic animal. He almost looks like he’s about to cry, and you let out a scoff at the sight.

You turn to face Kai, whose eyes are wide and he’s staring up at you. Your fists are clenched at your side.

“Is this why you brought me here tonight?” you ask. Your voice is trembling, anxiety at the wake, the white anger spotting your vision. But there’s also pain. So much pain, and you’re just so fed up with all of it. “Because your belittling, condescending words weren’t enough to tear my hopes apart, so you had to humiliate me in front of your friends instead?”

Kai holds his hand up. “Woah, Canon, relax. He was just joking—…” Kai glances at Ren, who’s still holding his cheek and biting down on his lip, and then his gaze hardens. “Y’know what? It’s about fucking time you get this wake-up call, y/n. I’ve been trying to do the nice thing to steer you in the right direction, and the least you could—”

“Steer me in the right fucking direction?!” you’re yelling now, registering the way your voice echoes in the bar. “You know what I think this is all about, Kai?” You grit your teeth, “You’re a sick, stupid, sexist fuck who didn’t have the balls to go after what he wanted. So miserably pathetic that you’ve got no other fucking business than to pull people down to your level.”

Kai pinches his eyebrows together, hand on the table clenching into a fist. 

You lean down closer, an exasperated scoff leaving your lips. “Why don’t you go be his assistant instead? Since I’m sure you’re good at taking it up the ass.”

Kai’s eyes twitch, “you fucking—”

You grab his glass off the table and throw the alcohol into his face, eliciting another round of noises around the bar, and his mouth falls agape in shock before he gets up out of his chair, hand reaching out to grab for you. You close your eyes shut with a flinch to expect pain. Any sort of pain. But you don’t feel anything at all.

When you open your eyes, you see Gojo standing to your left, veins of his arm tense with the tight grip he has on Kai’s forearm, and you can see he’s practically shaking with rage. He steps in front of you, guarding, and you can’t see the expression on his face, but the fear in Kai’s eyes is enough to say it all.

“That’s enough,” he says, the clench of his jaw evident through the strain in his voice, “try to put your hands on her again, and I’ll split your fucking face in half.”

You can see Kai’s breathing pick up from where you’re peering over Gojo’s shoulder, and then Gojo shoves him backwards right as Choso kicks the fallen chair to his feet so he trips over it backwards then hits the ground with a loud and indignant thud.

Gojo’s hovering over Kai, his hands shoved in his pockets as he glares down at him, while Geto and Nanami put space between you and the other two men at your table. You feel a searing flush to your cheeks. You’re breathing fast, the peering eyes all around you are searing, looking at you with surprise, confusion, shock, and pity. Your mind is racing, and you wonder what your parents would think of all this. What your friends would think of all of this. What the people who support you would think of the fucked up situation you’ve found yourself in, and the humiliation courses so deep through your veins that you just want to run away and hide. The ground could swallow you whole right now, and it still wouldn’t be enough.

You take one step back, then another, before you turn on your heel to rush out the door into the night, and you barely register that it’s raining. You can feel your heart thumping fast in your chest and in your head, that familiar knot in your throat twisting tight as you walk fast down the street and ignore Gojo’s call of your name from behind you.

You don’t want to see anyone right now. You don’t want to be seen by anyone right now. Especially Gojo, of all people, because he was right about everything, and the fact that you had shut him down about it, and the way that you had shut him down about it makes your head numb and your breathing pick up fast.

“y/n,” you hear him call out from behind you, his pace is getting faster and so you’re resorting to longer strides as well, puddles of water splashing under your feet with every step, “just wait—”

“I’m seriously,” you start, and the tears begin to fall, “I’m seriously so, so, so, so, so fucking embarassed right now,” you gasp out the words with no air left in your lungs to breathe as you continue to run away from him, “so please, just leave me alone.”

You can picture it all in your head. Something like I told you so from his lips, because after what you’ve been put through tonight, you just want to assume the worst in people.

But just as you round the corner into an alley, feeling lost with the sight of a dead end, you feel a hand wrap around your arm and then you’re being pulled into an embrace.

Your eyes are blinking with tears streaming, your face buried in a chest that is warm, with a heart beating so fast that it’s keeping time with your own, and the fragrance that surrounds you is so painfully him that it makes you sob even more.

Strong hands wrap around you, pulling you closer, and Gojo rests his chin at the top of your head. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, and you can feel the rumble of his voice, “I just needed to stop you from running.”

Your arms are weakly raised, an outline over his torso but not yet grabbing on, until you hesitantly do. And when you hold onto him, it’s so tight and strong, and you realize that after everything between the two of you, it’s the first time you’ve been wrapped in his arms.

“I feel so stupid,” you start, already hating the words because you want to be stronger right now, but you can’t.

“You’re not stupid,” he quickly corrects you, “those guys are fucking insecure losers. You’re just trying your best. You always have, for as long as I’ve known you, and it’s something you should be proud of yourself for.”

You don’t know what to say to him, you just cling to the damp fabric of his shirt in the rain.  

“Things are going to work out for you, no matter what, because I know you’ve got what it takes and you’re willing to work hard for it,” he says, his chin nuzzling so you’re tucked into him even further, “and if things don’t work out, that’s okay, you’re strong and you’ll always get back up. And I want to be there to help you through everything.”

You pull your face from his chest to stare up at him, droplets of rain falling to your face and making you flinch occasionally. “I’m confused.”

His hand comes up to cup your face, swiping at a tear on your cheek, or maybe it was rain. “I thought that—” he starts, his thumb briefly running over the small cut still healing on your cheek, his brow furrowing, “I thought that I’d be okay with watching your life from afar, through cropped pictures on a screen,” he says, a chill running through you, “but I can’t. It’s killing me. And I’m really sorry that it took me this long to tell you this, but I like you so much and I really want to be with you.”

Your eyes widen at his words, and you don’t know how to feel. You push your face into his chest again. His thumb runs circles at your side through the dampness of your shirt.

“There are a lot of reasons I didn’t feel like I could date you, or show up for you,” he says, “but the pain of not getting to be with you, of not getting to hold you, and just share my life with you is way worse than whatever reasons I kept trying to convince myself of.”

You nod slowly, because there was a part of you deep inside that knew that all along. 

His grip on you relaxes slightly and you take that as a request from him for you to look up at him, so you do. “I know I’ve put you through a lot of pain, and I’m really not a perfect person, but if there’s room in your heart to forgive me, I promise you that I’ll do everything I can to make you feel happy and cared for.”

Your eyes study his face for sincerity. They’re words you’ve been wanting to hear, words you could’ve pictured in your head, but the adoration in his eyes makes you realize you never could’ve imagined the true sweetness of those words when they’re said from him.

You press your cheek to his chest again. You’re not crying anymore. “I’m sorry for what I said to you earlier. About kicking a soccer ball, and having it easy,” you bite down on your lip, because now there’s tears in your eyes again, “I didn’t mean it.” You sniffle a little, “I know you work hard. And it was a really mean thing to say.”

He sighs, holding you flush to himself. His cheek presses against the top of your head. “That’s okay, you don’t have to apologize for that.”

“But I do.”

There was no grudge at all. There was nothing withdrawn from you, nothing taken away as punishment. He just held onto you, exactly as you are, and you felt so safe in every second you spent in his arms.

You look up at him again. His hair is damp, strands clinging to his face in all the places they usually fall over, droplets of rain falling from his fringe onto your face and he does everything he can to wipe them away. “It’s too late,” you tell him, and he immediately knows what you’re referring to.

He just holds you closer. “I know.”

“I don’t have feelings for you anymore,” you say through a sniffle.

He knows you’re lying, and that you say it just out of spite, but he holds your head to his chest. “I know.”

“You’ll have to beg and grovel, and even then, I might not like you ever again,” you say, gripping so tightly onto his shirt for purchase, your voice sounding muffled as you breathe in the scent of him. “That’s your punishment.”

He presses a kiss to the top of your head. A firm press of his lips, lasting as he takes a few deep breaths. And then he kisses the same spot again, staying still in that position as he repeats himself.

“I know.”

--

a/n. phewww thank you for reading, i swear, this chapter felt like a goddamn war to write. my emotions were all over the damn place, i think cause i wrote from a place of bitter experience lol. i dedicate this chap to my lovely friend she’s a film major (she inspired me to create this story) and i srs wouldn’t be able to write kickoff without her 😭💕 dear M♥︎, i thought of you sm while writing this chapter, i can only hope i’ve captured even the slightest bit of the understanding i will always aim to have of you, and that you feel seen. i’m incredibly proud of you, always rooting for you, so often thinking of you, and terribly missing you so much rn (plsssssss visit meee😩💔 ) dedicated w sm love 💕 -bitchasshoe this chapter is also dedicated to anyone who’s going through a hard times n maybe just trying to figure themselves out :”) i am so proud of you, you should be so proud of yourself, there’s still so much to live and learn, and i hope the universe blesses you w everything you’ve ever wanted!! big thank u to my lovely m00t @quinnyundertow she pulled me out of my writers block for this chapter and also beta read a lot of it for me 😭 and by beta read i mean left the funniest fucking comments everywhere and i will forever remember how hard i laughed 🤣 i adore u sm thank you <33 SHES ALSO A WRITER TOO GO CHECK HER OUT on ao3 she is an amazinggg writer there’s only three chapters left for kickoff (i’m gonna cry just thinking ab it :”)) which doesnt sound like a lot but there’s still a lot i’ve got planned 😭 i’m just noticing that i very poorly planned the second half of this series. chapters 1-6 combined have less words than chapters 7-9 combined 😅✨ sooooo i may increase the chapters from 12 to 14 by splitting them up to make it easier on me, or just stick to the plan and come out with long chapters like the last two. idk. i’ll figure it out. thank u to everyone for reading i love you all dearly 😭💕 i’ll see you in the next one!!

➸ you're all caught up!

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(hope i didn't miss anyone thank u all sm!!)