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hawtastic · 3 months ago

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SHEPHERDS OF HAVEN | @shepherds-of-haven Headshot art by me. (7K words, beware).

☆ To Travellers, the Stars are Guides

�� Careful With The Wish You Make.

"Reaching out my hand to the endless path of despair the universe has woven out for me in stardust. I gave in to the dreams I found laid out before me... Even if I was wrong from the beginning, this path carved anew will surely shed light on scenery never seen... Though momentarily translucent, I will one day gain my hue and fulfil my dreams. No matter what colour it will be, it shall shine. I must shine."

On the surface, Altair is an elegant and prudent woman.

To many, Altair is seen as an intelligent and austere carrying herself with the poised grace of an aristocrat and a disposition as sweet as honey. She's slender, tall, and beautiful. If she weren't diminished, she would surely be desirable to most. Akin to the moon rising from still waters on a starry night or pale blossoms gently swaying with a mild breeze, her demeanour smooth and unfazed as she follows wherever the wind may carry her. Placidly gentle and quiet, if she expresses none of her truth, she will surely remain to be admired.

However, her character is truly defined by forlorn, sentiments, vehemence, and prejudice. Woven so tightly into her feelings that her stitches begin to overlap and she is no longer able to discern which threads are the ones that once made her her and which are merely there to conceal the innumerable fissures threatening to show what's beneath her benevolent facade.

❀ "The stars are beautiful because of a flower you don't see."

From a young age, Altair has been a serf to others: controlled by both the whims of life and helpless to her fate. After the tragedy that was her thirteenth birthday, the lack of control that she has felt over her own life has been paralysing for her. Her display as saint in the public eye and her personal martyrdom being one of the only things she truly feels in control of as she continuously parades herself around with dulled song, hollowed laughter, and the shattered shimmers of the stars she desperately clings to whilst deep waves threaten to consume her and make her drown in her personal melancholy.

Fearing to connect with others due to her insatiable loneliness; constantly fearing she will lose control. She instead masks herself behind placid generosity, a charitable sweetling with a good head on her shoulders, tender, cordial, and generally soft spoken. However, she is extremely self-destructive and a workaholic who, despite herself, lacks such autonomy and in correspondence, the confidence needed to keep up with her own one-woman masquerade. Her lack of confidence is irrefutable, her inescapable feelings of inferiority, comfortability with herself, and lack of control over her own actions, has her constantly trying to compensate with altruism and acts of service.

Obsessively fixated on the work she takes on, workaholism is one of her driving points — almost directly punishing herself by taking on excessive heaps of tasks and deliberately not giving herself any rest, which results in self-destruction. Part of her being is entirely based of her unyielding loyalty, how useful she can make herself to the Shepherds and others, fearing she will be abandoned the moment she does something drastic or is no longer necessary for their goals despite the fact that she is an integral part of the Order now — being shown value, having her companions tell her how much she's needed, and showing her genuine affection makes her physically recoil.

"But does the reason even matter? I'll never go back to where I came from. I've decided to get rid of everything in my way."

She's not inherently terrible. However, seeing as Altair is purely a self-made cynic, so many things about her are a part of her carefully constructed persona – you can't hurt someone who doesn't exist, and she never wishes to be hurt again; her feelings so deeply repressed to the point where she no longer realises she's in fact not fine, or at the very least not supposed to be.

Having been so hurt and feeling a deep need for something, she tends to withdraw and not share because she thinks that nobody will be able to help her. The emptiness and anguish she feels are indescribable; she doesn't feel as if she can trust anyone, distrusting life and others so much that she thinks nobody can really help her in the face of so much pain (and, above all, there is nothing she can do to stop it).

She is jealous of her peers, but can also be jealous of beings she loves–such as her friends–and ones she hates. Her jealousy stems from the fear that someone will be preferred over her since her own presumptions often overtake her ability to think straight in such regards. Furthermore, this fear is made even more vivid by the fact that she has developed a lack of self-confidence and is therefore convinced that any other person can be much more interesting than she is despite the abilities and talents she possesses and isn't hesitant to display.

When Ayla tells her they may be more similar than she had originally thought, Altair can barely hold herself up—if Ayla sees herself on par with her, does that mean that she isn't special anymore?

Altair feels separated from the rest and considers herself and her abilities special, at the same time it's notable that she feels lonely, a loneliness that she imposes on herself by drawing a barrier from others so that they do not know her "true self," (somewhat similar to Chase), and becomes convinced that she will never be able to trust anyone or be close to anyone.

☆ In public Altair tends to repress "frowned upon" emotions like anger or hatred and generally appears sweet, friendly, and placid—but in private, she may express the emotions she stores up in social situations and becomes aggressive. Generally, she prefers to swallow her own poison rather than externalize it to the people around her, and she has found it particularly difficult to find her place amongst the Shepherds.

A situation that is particularly fitting is after chapter 6, where Altair is asked who she wishes to be next Autarch by one of the recruits. In a fit of sudden anger after a long few weeks, she spits out the retort, "Neither. They're both rotten to the core." Before the room drops into an uncomfortable silence and the topic is dropped.

☆ She is always kind, expresses herself in amicable, graceful ways, and approaches, as she avoids conflict and losses. Shows kindness and sacrifices to please the other, and tries to avoid behaviours that can provoke or irritate. She has learned to stand on her toes in the world. When her mask is dropped by a sudden pang of anger, most reactions of anyone that may be present during such a fit border on shock; because that is Altair, and such words are a part of her 'ugly' self that she shouldn't have shown.

When she returns Trouble's hugs, tells Briony she's beautiful, or reciprocates Tally's views she doesn't necessarily do it out of sincerity and love but rather because she's afraid to say/do something that may cause them to view her differently or dislike her. In turn Altair's words and actions are often viewed by the opposing party as flirting; even when that is not her intention – it's not that she thinks Briony is ugly, far from it, it's more so that she's telling the other what she wants to hear in the moment rather than speaking her blunt opinion. Altair tends to form an attitude based on the general perspective of 'goodness' and then strives to act sincerely on these sentiments. When applied to her behaviours and actions, this provides her with strong ideals of what is 'decent' of a person and holds herself to almost quixotic standards.

"You don't rely or trust anyone. You are absolutely astute, but always look down on others. Whenever someone tries to get involved with you, you lead them on just to brush them off once they've gotten too close."

Learning to ignore herself, Altair turns her shortcomings into false confidence. She is perceptive but represses her sensations or disconnects and seems not to perceive what is there. She denies her internal and external world to maintain a smile and obtain love from the Order and the public as 'The Hero of Haven', since if she expresses what she perceives it runs the risk of confronting her aggression with the fact that there are things she doesn't like and agree with, but that comes with the fear of being rejected for expressing it unless there are enough people amongst her who share the same sentiments.

One of her worst fears is confrontation. When the voice(s) in her head talk to her about what to do or not do, when the Faceless Lords try and manipulate her to make her crack by stating the words she herself is too afraid to express, anger threatens to flood over and burst her carefully constructed dam.

Losing control, freaking out; anything out of her control that could threaten her image terrifies her. This control extends to many areas, in the illusion of being able to manage everything without making herself vulnerable. Getting to satisfy the needs of the other is a strategy to not be with oneself, where nothing worthy of being valued or loved appears. That's why Altair always maintains a distance from the other Shepherds, evasive from anything too personal about herself and her past. Getting closer to someone also comes with the inevitable consequence that she would have to break the facade. It is threatening for someone to get close and confront her, as if the scaffolding supporting the fantasy of "everything is fine" was so fragile that if it moves, her perfectly poised castle collapses. So, Altair, even when engaging with others, is keeping a distance, so her image remains undisturbed, and she places false sweetness to fill this gap. She doesn't actually try to rely on others despite desperately needing to. She is perceptive of others, condescending as they are dazzled by this image, but she won't show frustration.

"I thought that if I acted like it did not matter, then it wouldn't. Foolish thoughts, I know, emptiness falls heavier than I had previously presumed."

Though, Altair doesn't run away from others, nor herself. On the contrary, she seems to be actively fixated on figuring out her own authentic self. Who, what, why, how? She is overly focused on her own authentic tenacity and confronting her inferiority complex and gaining admission from others for her own 'narcissism' as well as her escapism from reality through various means. She excessively fixates on the negatives of her life even after she has joined the Shepherds; she is constantly reveling in guilt and overbearing herself through her own emotions (a reason why she has such a big inferiority complex).

Altair isn't delusional by any means, quite the opposite, she knows all too well the person whom she is (overly conscious of her bitter inferiority complex amongst aforementioned things), she doesn't drown in narcissism through helping others rather she bathes in it: the more gracious praise she gets the better she feels about herself.

☆ Comparing her to Chase in this regard (as I personally find them to be more similar on closer analysis) — Altair is obviously more austere and composed compared to Chase his quirky, sunny behaviour I think they both suffer from strong superiority-inferiority complexes and portray different characters in different areas to compensate for this lack. Therefore, indulging in tenacity against their own envy to counter this out (which is also why I would consider them to be somewhat toxic in their interpersonal relationship, for lack of a better word). Their relationship, or rather lack thereof, is what eventually starts having them open up to one another. One of the reasons that Altair even indulges with and humours Chase is the fact that having the company of someone as equally miserable as her motivates her personally to try and be better, so she believes with Chase it will assist him too.

Moving on, Altair is not actively trying to stay stuck in her own spiral — at least not until she joins the Shepherds — instead she is constantly working towards others to conquer her shame and fear of forming genuine friendships and bonds. After becoming a Captain in the Order, she slowly starts to stop resisting the world and her disconnect from it, instead facing it head on through hard work with her companions to work through not just image issues but nuance in the emotional realm. However, despite this, she still has the ever present urge to repress herself and keep up her mask; she slowly lets it slip away as she gets closer to her fellow Captains but the public is a whole other matter.

Altair takes on any issues she has to herself. She transforms her neurosis into something for her to take the burden of and survive/cope with. She buries down her own depression to move toward a goal and ignores her own suffering as she believes it to be a waste of time. Altair is overly aware of her inferiority. She constantly refines herself to be the best she can possibly be and avoids her own suffering through pursuing.

The surface level Altair is caring and altruistic, the REAL Altair Varieth is is someone who is overly brooding towards things bordering on melancholy whilst simultaneously driven by over a decade of pent-up wrath. She locks up her own emotions and suffering so others can't recognise these negative feelings agonisingly boiling inside of her to the point of rotting her to the core.

"As a child, I read of heroes described as saints, or martyrs. At the time, I longed to be a saint and, if a martyr, even better, how proud the world would regard me then."

Altair takes in her negative emotions and tries to use them as firewood to sustain the suffering and effort that life entails so as not to burst into flames herself. There's a certain masochism that becomes present through feelings of hopelessness Altair suffered as a child, which, in later years, made her work harder and harder to conquer this helplessness. She wishes to not just help herself, far from it even, she wants to help others survive. One of her main goals is to get 'revenge' on what has been oppressing her, that being not only the demons, but also the Autarchy. She tries to turn as much of her anger and rage into fuel to reach her goal(s).

She spends her years from the moment she lost her home working and persisting with her anger to figure out what even happened in the first place and figuring out the perfect ways to defeat her enemies, through research, training, and then Sun knows what else. These feelings were mainly dealt with through Altair's aforementioned feelings of helplessness. She believed herself to be way too weak to help her village during its inevitable demise, and therefore went on to believe she was the weakest amongst the Shepherds as well despite proving otherwise countless times.

But despite her melancholy, Altair is still an empathic person and feels a deep desire to protect and care for other people — a feeling bordering on a saviour complex related to her extreme feelings of altruism. She wants to be specially divided from her peers whilst simultaneously being liked by everyone for her good deeds and kindness. Altair does find a great sense of worth in caring for others by giving them her service. Though she does love her companions, she has a hard time genuinely conveying it through means that aren't acts of service or blunt remarks. She can easily pick up and identify with others' emotions and come up with solutions that are beneficial for their cause, but her genuinity is often overshadowed by her personal pragmatism and so she proceeds to use flowery words instead as to not offend or hurt anyone.

When she's talked herself into a corner and someone asks her what their ultimatum should be, Altair often brushes it all off with a simple "well, I don't know. It's your decision in the end." I think a good example is when she's sitting with Briony who asks her if she should keep looking towards the future or try and figure out her past (to simplify it) and despite Altair having a clear opinion on what she thinks Briony should do she doesn't want it to hammer at her own personal consciousness later if that doesn't work out for her; so instead she answers, "it's up to you." As she doesn't wish to hurt Briony's feelings by giving her objective advice. On the contrary when she's talking to Riel in his workshop and to Lavinet in the courtyard who both end up asking her if they should focus on their long term goals outside of the Shepherds or their current in the Order Altair openly tells them to focus on their futures which don't involve the Shepherds; as she still sees the Order as only temporary despite her conflicting feelings surrounding the matter.

"Ah, do you really think I'm as gracious as I appear? A justice fighter who wishes to help everyone? That's all a lie. You know, I never wanted to be some hero. All I ever wanted to be was someone else. At heart, I'm horrible.”

Being almost infatuated with her own image, Altair is constantly looking at others for approval. This is a very crucial part of her character.

Her apparent benevolence is tricky and manipulative due to excessive use and its purpose: to give herself permission to always do what she wants and forgive herself for any failure. Despite her self-indulgence, internally, she does not feel worthy of praise.

As to not fall in the depth of her own self hatred, Altair makes use of self-indulgence. She does this by convincing both herself and other people that she is a good and righteous person whose goal is to only help everyone she can. Rationalised by praiseworthy social goals. Self-indulgence becomes giving the feeling of commitment; the difficulty in truly using her aggression, opting for pacifism; in an image of austere joy and absence of problems; in honesty. It can fall into two main functions: On one hand, Altair tries not to limit herself to her interpersonal greed. And on the other, not to fall into the narcissistic tension produced by her everyday self and her ideal self.

Altair transforms her self-indulgence into an indulgence directed at others, doing everything she can to please them, though, of course, this doesn't erase her fixation completely. She gives commitment, and she gives up her desires. She is nothing but mild, moderate, and kind to others. She makes an effort to be honest when she can. She is encouraging, never letting an ounce of her suffering be noticed by others. And yet, by doing all of this, her efforts are futile because Altair is a liar, as much as she doesn't want to be one, as much as she hates herself for it.

In order to keep up this ideal image of herself, Altair deceives everyone around her. Her self indulgence works wonders at making her ignore her pain and suffering to focus on her extraordinary mission, to give up her own happiness and pleasure for the sake of others — which may be working considering her current 'Hero' status. Altair doesn't recognise her limits as that would entail recognising her suffering, her flaws, everything she's worked so hard to bury deep down. But at the same time, it makes her unable to form any meaningful relationships.

Her head is tangled with fear. Fear can make one do all kinds of things: (be it mentally or physically) isolate herself and be afraid to leave her mark on anything in life (especially prominent when she was younger); constantly coming up with the worst case scenarios, accusing or assuming anyone and everything including herself of having bad intentions; building surface relationships and resorting to lies to not be overwhelmed by her own cowardice. But, as aforementioned, Altair is very self-aware. There is no love that blinds her, no impulses—instead she rationalises everything. Altair knows she's living on the surface of her emotions. In fact, she's doing so on purpose.

☆ Gluttony – beyond the description as a disproportionate fondness for food – it can be described as a passion for more and better that manifests itself especially as a fascination with novelty, the unknown and the exotic, an excessive dependence on pleasure, an automatic tendency to avoid pain and frustration, and a desire to be liked, popular, and admired. Altair's social integration transforms the passion of gluttony into an apparent virtuous form of counter-gluttony by being good, disinterested, and moderate with others so that her neuroticism becomes less evident.

In short, Altair, who is moved by gluttony in her social sphere, is addicted to experiences that give her back an image of extraordinaire, to which she can then nurture the image of herself being someone out of the ordinary. Her tendency to sacrifice stands out, as it is a shortcut to acquire extraordinariness in the eyes of others and of herself and extract - from that experience - that her life has meaning.

Altair is fixated on becoming her ideal self and attempts to achieve this image through repressing her desires, sacrificing her fun/free time, and deceiving people so that they never get close enough to her to figure out what she's actually like. Altair does desire admiration through the eyes of others, to nourish her own broken self-esteem, but she does this in a very hidden way. Despite the way she carries herself, Altair doesn't want explicit admiration; having people sing her praises, give her gifts, and openly admire her scares her and makes her feel even guiltier.

"Ah, what do they even like about me? They all compliment me using so many words. Yet, every time they say those things... I wonder who they're talking about. Because I'm not like that at all.”

What she truly wants is someone near her. She doesn't mind if she's the one who has to take care of others all the time – she loves training her squad and other recruits, helping Shery whenever she can, 'raising' Caine – protecting and ensuring their well being is one of her priorities. She doesn't mind if she has to neglect herself and sacrifice her days off. She wants people to think she's a good person and to stay near her, even if this is nothing but a surface level impression and relationship.

"Nonono, you see, I am a good person. I swear, I swear I am good, you have to tell me, please tell me I'm a good person.”

• In Chapter Six when Altair, Ayla, Briony, and Tally's have made camp instead of staying at the inn their camp gets 'ambushed' by bandits in the middle of the night who turn out to be villagers driven out of their destroyed establishments. Instead of attacking, Altair strikes up a conversation and asks what they need – one hundred deucalions – and Altair promptly gives it to them out of her own pocket. When the bandits leave and her companions sing her praises, Altair feels good. She didn't do it out of kindness. Rather, out of the wicked sense of accomplishment and heroism, she feels from being praised and admired by her companions. • In Chapter Five, when Altair spares Nathe in the arena instead of sticking to the mission and killing him or beating him pretty much lifeless to win, she didn't necessarily do it out of humanity... There is a reason she made sure to guilt trip him and punch him to the ground first before making the decision to grant Briony's wish and spare him. Fighting is a way for Altair to let loose; an arena setting wasn't exactly a healthy environment for her to be in. Though, when Briony proceeds to gush over Altair later on, it makes her feel as if 'throwing the mission' was all worth it in the end.

"Ah... but if my first word was used for destruction then I shall use all the remaining ones for good; it will cancel out all the horrible things I've done and I will no longer be tainted by my past sins.”

• Altair uses her Words of Power for selfish desires she views as selfless. The Landsmeet from Chapter Six and the Tree from Chapter Nine are perfect examples of Altairs altruistic saviour complex on full display. A deep, greedy desire: a world where everyone is happy and nothing bad ever happened to her. She wants to 'atone' for the 'horrible things' she's done as a child by fixing everyone else's problems with barely any thought going into it. The moment she creates a new Landsmeet she doesn't do it because she cares especially about the Elementals, rather she loves the praise and attention it gives her, the gifts and gratitude, the sense of accomplishment. Even if it's all at the cost of something greater in the long run.

"No... it's not going to be okay... I keep acting as if I'm perfect, even though I'm so weak. I'm merely full of lies. I didn't become a Shepherd in order to atone for having failed to save the people I love. The truth is... I never wanted to be 'the Hero of Haven'. All I ever wanted was to be with someone else."

When faced with conflict in her personal circle or rather just in general social situations, the usually calm and collected Altair tends to become visibly distressed. If she's left alone, what's going to stop her from sinking deep into all her issues? What's going to stop her from acknowledging that she's a coward? If there's no one left for her to take care of, she's going to have to realise why she has such a desperate desire to take care of others in the first place. And she knows that touching her pain so deeply would bring her nothing but suffering.

Altair feels as if the moment she'll show someone a bit of vulnerability, her true honest self. If she's just a little bit selfish, nobody is going to love her.

"It's going to be okay. Even if I'm left alone again, I'll be able to keep going. Even if it means I can't get along with my friends, I mustn't change the way I do things. I mean, that's... I have to fight to help everyone. If I couldn't save my village, then at least…”

When her defences have crumbled, Altair is left with the whole picture of who she really is – she can't stand to look at herself in the mirror any longer – she is her own biggest fear. She's selfish, prideful, and never satisfied. She wants more and more and lies to get it. She's scared of people disliking her, so she makes an effort to please them. She never lets anybody in. She's terrified of vulnerability and never forms any meaningful relationships (at least based on truth on her part). Fear has consumed her life. She can't bear herself anymore. She's drowned in her own guilt.

She begins to realise she's starting to blame her companions for the hardships she's come across overtime as Shepherd, that all her decisions weren't even hers and she was acting on peer pressure in order to make herself feel better and finding herself an awful person for doing so. She finds herself emotionally weak. Even though she doesn't want to blame or resent people, she still does. She's always been afraid of drowning in this hidden negativity and resentment of hers, and so she spirals.

"I realised there were people who would care about me. If I could make a wish, I wish I could meet all of you in a world without demons.”

As aforementioned, Altair is very pragmatic and objective. Not only is she keenly interested in researching her own potential and abilities but also that of others — being very ambitious within her field as a mage. From the moment she becomes aware of the fact that she is an important figure amongst the Shepherds she is rather pleased; being fond of hierarchy that puts her in a favourable position (hence why she dislikes the Autarchy, since she's obviously in the barracks in their hierarchical system) and accumulating knowledge, as a way of improving her skills in a more pragmatic and objective view.

Having an incessant thirst for more knowledge and information to become more powerful and have an advantage over everyone she crosses be it in battle or in witts. Furthermore, her observations are rarely subjective and contemplative, most in fact are a direct objective — she lacks the same nuance Red has — assigning things as useless if they can't be used directly to assist her in any possible way. This also accumulates through the lengths she'll go through to acquire knowledge, not hesitating to directly rip intimate memories from someone's mind to satisfy her temporary qualms and curiosity — when she reads Mimir's mind to gain insight on her past in Chapter Seven or the encounter with Hall in Chapter One for example — and if what she finds out was not of use in the end, she tosses it aside without a glance back.

Her ultimate goal in acquiring knowledge/insight is gaining the upper hand by any means necessary; anything outside of that does not matter to her. Her intuition acts more as a secondary aspect, which makes her thinking more distant, expanding its scope whilst not taking away her objective and pragmatic nature.

She has trouble understanding her own emotions surrounding magic and taking others' ideas and opinions surrounding magic into account. She values her peers but can come across as harsh when asked to teach/talk about the topic of it. Having isolated herself from other mages growing up and teaching herself magic has made her extremely sensitive to opinions that aren't on her exact wavelength.

☆ Whenever Altair is within the proximity of Red, she immediately feels a sense of jealousy and envy; wanting to be as far away from him as possible whilst simultaneously feeling drawn to him.

"And in the end, I wasn't truly anyone. Beneath the sweet benevolence, my heart is cold and soggy... funny since I despise the cold."

Make a wish upon a shooting star and witness the futility of it all

— The final breath of a dying star.

"They say that stars may be gateways to other universes that lay beyond our reach. Whilst merely wishful thinking I can not help but muse on such conspiracies... If every atom of my body was once a part of a star, maybe I won't be leaving... maybe I would simply be going home to a graveyard full of deceased shimmering hope. Would they come looking for me when my light goes out? Would they reach out for me in the dark the same way I do them?"* As always, she says nothing at all, simply staring upward into the dark sky, watching with sad eyes the slow dancing of the infinite stars. *"It's so unfair... you're all allowed to be free and beautiful whilst I'm stuck down here withering away with long-lost dreams.”

– A Varieth. "To tell the truth, I am unsure what to think anymore. I had originally presumed Haven would be a new beginning for me, though on the journey there, I had already changed my mind and planned to leave once the wedding had finished. Yet now I find myself in the lap of the Shepherds instead. Of all people... seriously. Why recruit me at all? Must this be my reality? I'm uncertain whether I should laugh or scream– maybe throw myself into hysteria for a minute or so? Ah, it does not matter. I have no choice but to continue down the path fate has put me on — Oh, how I shall be a hero. They'll be astonished perhaps even in awe and praise the ground I walk on!... isn't that what I deserve for being so willing to sacrifice myself for them? I have no ambitions. My previous dreams do not matter either way, now that I am a part of the Order."

Other notes on Shepherd Altair Varieth.

• An air of elegance and grace surrounds Altair as she steps through the halls of the compound with a gentle smile curled up on her lips. She seemed so much more pliant, and tender, and lissome now. The frenzied gallant warrior they had watched in the church now obscured by austere beauty aside from her magic-ringed passionate dark eyes, the gold within shifting as it pleases like the shimmer of a star. It's almost strange how the smile she wears for the public fades in the company of the ones she trusts, and yet she seems more content that way; tranquil fondness in a softened gaze.

• One heroic declaration and hopeful promise after the other spills from Altair's lips, if they wish for her to be a hero she will be just that — it's no different from acting for an audience, except the play she puts on has no end. She has no aversion to promises and will not hesitate to make them, be it something small or grand. She knows hope is so fragile and easy to give and so she simply thrives under the knowledge; when hope is promised to someone only to be taken away, they might break — being the sole contributor of such hope makes her feel good about herself, and gives her a driving force. It's not as if she will fail... she's a hero, after all.

• There's an unexpected bluntness to Altair around her close companions. When her mask is temporarily off, she will not hesitate to tell the ones she holds dear why she holds them in high regard and tell them how important they are to her. She feels strange when it's reciprocated, her cheeks begin to redden prickling with unexpected heat — she quickly hardens her expression before politely excusing herself and darting off when too much of her personal vulnerability has been shown.

• Funnily enough, Altair is easily startled and unexpectedly sensitive to touch. She despises pranks — especially ones where someone jumps out at her — though it is one of the most effective ways to put a crack in her facade and have her openly appear perturbed for a mere moment before she huffs and quickly flees the scene like a bird who just flew into glass—embarrassed and caught off guard. Similarly she flinches at every pat, bump, and nudge; she could have been staring at Trouble's hand coming up to thump her on the back and she'd still wince and draw back before quickly straightening herself again and pretend as if she didn't just do that. Whenever someone points it out, she just brushes it off.

• Altair adores accessorizing, embellishing, and picking out her clothes and doing her hair. She likes to think of herself as fashionable even if her taste can be questionable at times. She diligently chooses her earrings and make-up in the mornings, waking early to doll herself up with another intricate hairstyle and an outfit barely suitable for her work in the Shepherds — she's testing the bounds of the Order's rules with her deliberate choices in attire to see what she can get away with, much to Blade's consternation.

• It's almost pathetic how weak Altair is when it comes to Caine. It has become undeniable that she watches and cares for him like a mother despite vehemently denying so. "I care about all my friends to this degree— don't look at me like that..." She's constantly checking up on him, helping him whenever it's needed, spending her earnings on gifts and snacks for the boy. Though the jealousy is almost palpable when she sees him with the other Shepherds... "Hm? Me? Jealous? Haha... no way." She says through narrowed eyes and the gritted teeth of her painful fake smile.

• Maybe Altair is a bit too overprotective of her trusted friends. The recruits have long grown accustomed to her bursting in and scolding whoever gave Shery a hard time or glared at Lavinet a little too long during breakfast — and it's not only in the compound; whilst she doesn't do anything drastic in public a little threat to a shopkeep who had been annoying Tally's a bit too long or a patron who made a snide remark towards Briony has never hurt anyone.

• Yeah... she has no idea how to feel anymore after joining the Shepherds. Unfortunately, whilst at first merely having done it for selfish whims and gain, the environment Altair was given at the Shepherds Order made it all too easy to revel in the warmth and foster compassion. She has never had allies, confidantes, or friends — people she can genuinely trust, fall back on, and allow to watch her back despite her inner displeasure telling her she shouldn't. It's slow and gradual and probably still not completely open to the feeling, but her heart has been softening.

A pivotal moment that made her question her morals was in Chapter Seven when she fought against Thurl... talking to someone so bitter and dead set on revenge via merciless methods it was only then she realised how similar she fought — that whenever her mask slipped she was just as much of a brute as the man standing in front of her. And that fact made itself even more clear to her when she slit his throat without remorse of her own; almost enough to make her laugh, or maybe cry... like looking into the mirror and finally being able to see the foul beast hiding beneath her mask. What if everyone saw her like that, too?

• The mirror shows what she's too afraid to see — she can't bear to look at the reflection any longer. All her years of wandering the world alone have accumulated to nothing. She spent so long crafting the perfect mask and painting it in bright beauty that whenever she tries to look at what's underneath, she can barely bring herself to. To believe she will be more is foolish. The current laughter and camaraderie will bleed into farewells and betrayals.

• She is afraid. She's so afraid. No matter what pitch she sings, it will never be enough. The more she cares for the shepherds, the more terrified she becomes and the more she begins to distance herself. The fiercer and softer she grows to love the more afraid she becomes of driving them away now that the cracks in her mask start to appear and the light on her stage wavers.

She is no hero.

She is no light.

She's nothing but a mere charlatan full of anger, grief, and so much hate that it drips from her mouth like venom, and she becomes afraid to speak in fear of poisoning everyone around her. When she looks in the mirror, all she can see is a scarred, horrifying creature, a visage of disappointment, not the beauty she's so desperate to portray. The light dims her masquerade is over, tears hit her trembling hands, and she wails.

"Look up at the stars in the sky. Do you hear them singing for you? Share your memories with those who will stay in your heart forever.”

The "wow, I can't believe you read that all of that" part of my spiel.

If you've actually managed to get through all of that, thank you so much :). It's so sweet to know someone cared enough to read through my whole oc drabble. I have been playing through SHOH for around 3 years now, and only now am I confident enough to post both my art and writing without immediately feeling like I'm going to explode. I'm much better at writing an analysis than I am at telling lore through a story — at least that's what it feels like — so I struggled a little. (May do some seperate drabbles on her backstory after Vale and her dynamics with the other Shepherds sometime).

Anyway, I digress. Thank you, lots <3.

Altair is a heavily flawed character, so full of emotions and symbolisms. She's so far away yet so nearby, and her feelings burst like an exploding star. She's changed so much over the years. Can you believe she used to be as shy and timid as Shery?— Though granted, that was before SHOH.

She was so concerned with herself and shut everyone out until she couldn't anymore. Her feelings on the Shepherds were so mixed, and she was so uncertain about everything. She didn't consider herself to be worthy of living, so she created someone who she'd assume would be just that. Before, she didn't even know why she fought and bothered to even survive; why she was willing to go so far, just to hurt herself and others along the way? Anger, defiance, her own stubborn heart. She needs to atone for the home she eradicated, even if it hurts to live – even if she doesn't want to live.

She's similar to a sheltered noble in that regard, so lost in the pretty castle she's made for herself that she can no longer discern the path between truth and false; so disillusioned by her own fantasy so she subsequently began to think of herself as something much greater compared to what she actually is. She doesn't enjoy being around the more perceptive members of the Order — she does not want them to see her for who she really is.

Over the course of the game, she gradually tries to come to terms with her flaws. Her view of herself begins to gentle and she becomes more open to expressing her 'true self' to her close companions instead of hiding behind her veneer of sweet smiles and perfectly thought out words. She's still hesitant to even frown in front of the recruits but slowly grows more of a true backbone. She no longer wants to think of the world as an audience she has to entertain but rather as an audience she can sit alongside with and watch a world coated in light. She wants to see a future where she could be happy.

Altair's journey is so long. Her heavily flawed character requires a lot of slow and patient change before she can even begin to think about new beginnings and a future where she isn't miserable any longer. She has no trust in herself, and it wouldn't surprise me if most of the other Shepherds desperately wanted to throttle her – I wouldn't blame them. She conflicts with the Order despite desperately trying to avoid just that. She has a massive case of Impostor Syndrome when it comes to just everything about her; she barely feels like a person at all and the least like a Hero.

But she will change and grow and love and learn. And I'm so excited to see it in the future. :)

– A little fun fact of trivia is that Altair actually has Anisocoria which means she has an unequal pupil dilation!— her right pupil is much bigger than her left and she can't see out of her left eye as clearly as she can out of right so in turn she has trouble with her depth-perception at times. She's not that concerned with it herself, though, since she's had it since she was still a child. (I know the ‘real world’ medical terms aren't a thing in Blest, but I wouldn't know how else to explain it).

The world of SHOH has inspired me greatly over the years; both to work on my personal pet project of what I can barely call a 'fantasy world' and exploring character writing — I love the SHOH cast so much. It has stuck with me, and I always revisit it every couple of months. No matter how much I read it, I can't seem to get sick of it.

This was supposed to be a short post where I just went over the classic 'hobbies' and 'likes' but I inevitably ended up doing a character study instead – this post is nowhere near short after all; but my ask box is always open for anyone curious about either more 'mundane' facts or otherwise!

That's all. Thank you for sitting through this and reading this far — you are very patient. SHOH is a breathtaking piece of fiction writing, and the characters are truly alive within its bounds. I'm glad Altair has her own special place within its seams.

Thank you for @shepherds-of-haven the template. I always enjoy wandering through Blest with Altair and exploring it with her ever-changing flawed little self. I can not wait to see how the rest of the journey will unfold.

Have a good rest of your day. Play SHOH if you never have, you won't regret it. Trust. (and remember my ask box)!

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