#Robby continues to Go Thru It

[broadwaybaggins]

Robby/Langdon, #70

#70, 67%

"I want to know who's responsible for this." Robby's tone was grave and not to be questioned and shaking with barely concealed rage. His face was red, bright red, and it was hard for Frank to stay focused on Robby's eyes, flashing with anger, when he was a bit worried about his attending suddenly popping a blood vessel. Or an aneurysm. Honestly, neither one would surprise him at this point. "It was me," Frank said at the same time that Santos chimed in, "I was, it was my idea." They looked at each other in surprise and Robby sucked in a breath from behind his clenched teeth. "Sounds like you need to get your story straight." "The patient was coding--" "Would have died--" "I read in the Annals--" "It was a fucking Hail Mary but it worked--" "Both of you, shut up!" Robby's harsh voice cut them both off and Frank felt a little like he was back in the principal's office. "Who's responsible for this?" "It's like...67% my fault," Frank said after a long pause. "It was my idea, after all. "67%," Robby said in disbelief. "Blame doesn't work like that, Langdon." He shrugged. "It does today. And the patient is gonna make it, so..." Robby covered his face with his hands and made a strangled sound. "Get out. Both of you, get out. 67%, Jesus fucking Christ..."

[thescarletfang]

SPINNING OUT: jack abbot x ex!freader (coming soon!!)

currently at 4.3k words and counting (not even halfway thru) for this angsty (but soft! and HEA) Abbot x ex!freader fic and i finally feel like i'm getting into a *~ groove ~* with it.

(terrible) summary: You left Jack three months ago, convinced he'd given up on your marriage. An accident leads you back into his life. (omg this summary is SO BAD but basically, jack and reader have been separated for 3 months. reader is hit by a drunk driver, taken to PTMC. what is supposed to be an ending gives way to a new beginning).

here's a little sneak peek:

***

Jack rolls his shoulders, shutting his locker and heading into the ED. Fuck, what he’d give for a quiet night and the ability to get through this shift without feeling like he’s white-knuckling life. It’s bad enough he had a fucking panic attack on the way in here. He’s been having those more and more often, despite being on his daily dose of an SSRI. His therapist tells him he needs to take a break, to finally cash in on all his accrued time off but he just grinds his jaw and says no. 

Work is good. When he works, he can focus on anything but the absolute trainwreck that is his life. 

When he works, he can stop thinking about you. 

It’s a lie, of course, but Jack’s always been good at lying to himself. 

He sees you in everything he does. Misses you with an ache that feels like a stone on his chest. On the really rough nights, where he feels like he’s barely treading water, he gets closer to the edge of the roof than he ever has. 

Jack shakes his head, wrapping his stethoscope around his neck, holding on to the ends of it like it’s a tether that can keep him sane.

One moment at a time, his therapist told him. One shift at a time. One second, every single day, at a time. 

Jack takes a deep, steadying breath. Losing himself in his work is enough, if only for tonight. 

Jack knows something is wrong the minute he steps into the ED.

Robby is rushing in through the trauma bay, rolling a gurney and barking orders at Shen and Ellis. He looks up and locks eyes with Jack. 

“Get him out of here,” Robby yells to Dana, who has just thrown on her jean jacket to head home. Dana’s eyes go wide and as the gurney rolls past her, she looks at whoever is on it and pales. She beelines for Jack. 

Jack’s heart thuds painfully against his sternum. He picks up his pace, gently brushing past Dana and making his way to Robby.

“It’s my shift, dunno why I’d need to get out of here,” he says calmly to Robby, trying to remain in control but he already knows who’s on that gurney. He already knows because the universe fucking hates him. 

It isn’t enough that you left him three months ago and the last three months have been a living hell every single day. It isn’t enough that it was his fault you left, that he’d pushed you to the end of your rope by pulling away, by shutting down, by letting those voices in the dark consume him. It isn’t enough that he continually put his work before you because work is the only thing to make him feel worthy of anything, and he regrets it, will regret letting you slip through his fingers every single day for the rest of his fucking life. 

It isn’t enough that you’re the love of his life and he’s such a stupid fucking old man, forever convinced he never deserved you in the first place. Self-sabotage has been his best friend a long time, lurking over his shoulder and shadowing every move he’s ever made.

It isn’t enough he’s been through this once before. He’s not even officially fucking fifty-years-old and he’s already lost a wife and he’s about to lose another. Jack Abbot doesn’t get second chances.

Jack Abbot reaps the fucking karma that he sows. 

“Dana, get him out of here!” Robby yells again, rolling you into T-1. 

“C’mon, honey,” Dana tries. “You don’t wanna see this.”

But it’s too late. Jack’s quick on his feet, even with the prosthetic, and he sees you lying there, unconscious, blood-matted hair and it’s dripping from your mouth and he can’t believe that this is happening, that this is real, that it is happening to him again.

Robby steps to him at the door of the room. “You can’t be in here.”

There’s a sharp ringing in Jacks’ ears, high-pitched and drowning everything out. His voice is gravely and broken. A desperate plea rather with no real bite. “Like fuck I can’t, man. Get out of the way—”

“Jack, I mean it, brother.” Robby blocks him again, his nostrils flaring. “Get out.”

“That’s my fucking wife!” The words silence the ED, cutting through the chaos sharply. Ellis and Shen look up, shock over their faces. They’ve never heard their attending lose his cool like this. Jack is the calm one. While Robby is the attending who is more inclined to raise his voice, Jack never falters. Residents and students and the nursing staff follow him blindly because they know he never loses his cool.

Well, he’s losing it now.

Dana puts a hand on her chest like it hurts. 

Robby’s cold facade slips for a second and for a moment he’s just Jack’s friend, his brother, and the pain is written in his face, a pain mirroring Jack’s own. 

Jack’s breathing heavily, his voice cracking on the last word because it’s true, you’re still his wife.

He can’t lose you. Not when everything is so wrong. 

[goatdon]

You shouldn’t trust the show runners, they can lie, they’re probably lying about the significance of Langdon. I’ve been through enough fandom to know incompetent writers when I see them. I don’t believe for one second that Langdon is going to get any development. It’s best to lower your expectations for the excuse for an arc their going to give him so you won’t be disappointed

okay. if that’s how you feel then that’s how you feel. me personally i am going to chill since when i post this it’ll only be one day post finale. ill consider them liars or bag fumblers when the casting for s2 is announced or the first ep of s2 comes out.

ive been in fandom spaces since i was 14 and had my fair share of showrunners that suck or ruined the show for me. this show is just started so we’ve gotten no follow ups from the showrunners promises therefore I just don’t feel like making a solid “I love them/i hate them” stand. like im not taking every word they say as bible but like. cmon

and in defense of langdon’s arc and the ambiguous scenes: the ambiguity is necessary—in keeping people thinking and talking abt the pitt and giving them something to look forward to in s2. it also makes sense with langdons storyline because that man is so deep in denial and hasn’t even hit rock bottom yet for him to really see the gravity of his actions. there’s no way to resolve that or force him to see that he really will lose his job in an hour. especially when he’s convinced he can sweet talk robby into not reporting him.

he’s probably been making himself feel better abt everything bc he has this idea in his head that robby let him stay and if he can just get a one person to vouch for him maybe he won’t get reported. he’s kinda deluded in that aspect but it makes sense is what I’m saying. he’s grasping at straws and none of which are gonna be rehab.

outside of leaving it open ended what other options did they have fr? to have him a. verbally accept the offer to rehab that would be make no sense bc he won’t even admit he’s an addict and he does not want to do a 5 year program and b. if he said no and decided to say fk being a doctor. yall would still tweak out bc that rlly means he won’t be in s2. so what can you really do. all i will say is that he could’ve given him another scene at the end tho. maybe frame it in a hopeful way but nothing abt his mindset and where is he rn is all that hopeful since we know he’s scared and freaking out trying to save face. and ofc the secret third option of him dying or attempting but i don’t think that’d really get anyone anywhere.

idk maybe I’m wrong but I truly just don’t know what everyone was expecting. like this outcome and the vague ending is much better than what i thought was gonna happen because i was lowkey thinking someone was gonna get punched so….

s2 will probs start with langdon coming back or whatever fits into that box and thru the season we’ll see his struggles, his relationship with robby, what it’s like to have all the rumors/eyes on him and we’ll probs get to see the accuracy of the program an actual physician with an addiction would go thru. and #tome that is a literal goldmine. any writer worth half their salt would know to explore this and not drop it. they set up so much that it would genuinely be idiotic to drop the storyline and I don’t think that’s what they plan on doing.

i just don’t think him lacking screen time (which he lowkey has not had since ep 10) and not wanting to go to rehab is a bat signal from the writer saying “look at us we don’t know what we’re doing”

and yk based on this past season I’m choosing to believe the showrunners know what they’re doing and I’ll continue to do that unless they prove me otherwise in the months from april - jan.

ykw I will say that there’s a chance ur right so on jan i say we meet back here and if ur right ill admit i was wrong and loud and be embarrassed abt it on main. but until then I’ll just stick with my opinion on him returning. ill owe you a cute penny if the cast list for s2 comes out and he’s not on it.

and don’t even get me wrong there’s a lot of choices / things I don’t like abt the show or scene that pmo so it’s not like I’m meat riding for these people bc I’m really not

[sebbianas]

[spidey!steve au where steve loses his first fight as spiderman and eddie is patching him up.]

it was a close call, if robin hadnt came in and helped steve, he would have been seriously injured and the enemy would have gotten away. he was quiet as eddie patches up his bruises and cuts, eddie tries to talk to him but his mind is racing with all the things he could have done better.

maybe if he was faster the enemy wouldnt have been able to cut his web and cause him to fall. maybe if he was stronger he could have knocked the enemy out after that first few punches. maybe if he was smarter he could have seen who the enemy was before this fight even began. maybe—

“knock it out, stevie.” eddie said as he flicker steve on the forehead. “i can hear you thinking.”

steve glares at eddie. “i’m injured. you’re not allowed to hurt me even more.”

eddie rolls his eyes. “dont be dramatic. thats my thing.”

steve looks away from eddie’s kind eyes. it was distracting and all he wanted was to brood over his lost today.

“look.” eddie started, grabbing steve hands and holding it in his. “the villain was caught and apprehended. thats all that matters, sweetheart.”

steve stares at their hands, eddie’s hands were rough but they were warm compared to steve cold ones. “i almost lost and if werent for robbie i would have died and that asshole would gotten away and do more. its a big deal, eddie!”

“but he didnt okay. he’s taken down and you and rob saved the day. it all comes down to that. you saved this town again, steve.” eddie said softly, squeezing steve’s hand.

“thats not enough.” steve growled. he let go of eddie’s hands and jumped down the counter. ran his hands thru his hair, stared at eddie, feeling defeated. “i was given this power, eddie. its special and wonderful and even with this great responsibility i almost lost! i wasnt fast enough or strong enough or smart enough! whats the point of having this power if i cant even use it right! im still the same loser i was before i got it!”

“listen to me.” eddie called to him, grabbing him by his waist. “you’re not special because you’re spiderman, steve. spiderman is special because he’s you.”

steve stopped breathing. is it because of eddie’s hand on his waist or because of what eddie said he’ll never know. “what?”

“you didnt become a great person when that spider bit you, steve. you were already an amazing person who is kind and wonderful and sweet. spiderman is loved and respected because underneath that mask is you. you made spiderman what he is and his powers are just tools for you to use but the core of who he is and how well loved he is is because of you, stevie.” eddie said, pulling him even closer. “you didnt start saving people when you put on that mask. you were already saving lives before that. you saved mine when i was at my lowest, saved robin when she was having doubts and fear. saved dustin and the kids by taking care of them. you are the perfect person to be spiderman because no one has the same heart as you, okay?”

“but...” was all steve could say.

“not buts, stevie.” eddie continued. “you saved this town over and over again and i know you’ll have more fights to come and we’ll be there for you, to help you win every fight and if you lose we’ll be here to patch you up and get you ready for the next fight. you’re the perfect spiderman, steve harrington and no gets to question that. not even you.”

eddie pulled him back to the counter so he can finish patching up steve. all steve could do was watch him. feeling warmth and love for the man in front of him, steve knew he could win all his fights with eddie taking care of him like this.

spiderman was indeed special but not because steve harrington was underneath the mask but because he has eddie munson in every step.

[angelsdean]

like, i get that some people are upset that dean is still in heaven but, it wasn't really a shock to me at all ?? sure i clowned a bit w/ the 'time traveling aliveboy dean' stuff but they literally said before the show even started that dean was on a "hiatus" from heaven and that was always in the back of my mind thru out my clowning. and it really was a hiatus from heaven ! it all took place in the heaven drive time gap as like a finale coda (and what a huge time gap that is to fill. there's still so much they can do w/ that bit of time alone imo). we also don't know how much jensen + robbie were allowed to change, there may have been stipulations w/ spnwin to not change the heaven finale, something that might have to wait for a reboot / continuation of spn prime.

but regardless, crucially ??? what spnwin did is it completely recontexualized dean's ending. i said this in the tags of this post but i'll say it again: the spn finale said. ok dean's dead. he waits for sam. and that's it. spnwin said. no actually !!! he's not accepting that peace !! he's not waiting around for sam !! and giving dean back that agency is important to me. giving dean back the ability to make his own choices and want things for himself is important to me.

and i know some people are doubtful that we'll get a s2 of spnwin, meaning dean's story would end here, on him being unhappy in heaven. but personally, i don't think it matters if we get a s2. i think jensen is Not done with dean or the spn prime story. he's said before that spnwin is only one of many stories he wants to explore in the spn universe. also, after that answer he gave recently at jibcon re: a destiel reunion, i think he def wants more spn ("hopefully we get to see that at some point / i'm sure it would go how we all think it would go" and dean wanting to talk abt the confession)

i think even if we don't get a s2, everything that spnwin established re: dean's story will be the foundation for that reboot / mini series they're always talking about. personally, i Don't think we'll see dean again if there is a s2. (tho we may hear him in voiceovers as they read his journal and use it as a guide. and we may learn more abt dean and his journey this way). overall, i think dean helped establish this story and these characters, but moving forward it will be focused on them and not dean (tho we will see familiar spn faces, and maybe they will get involved in the multiverse too and visit the main spn universe, who knows?)

i think we needed what spnwin gave us re: dean's story not being over, dean unhappy in heaven, dean still searching more, (hints about jack possibly being "off" too / chuck won theory...) as a foundation for future stories in the main spn universe post-15x20. we want to see dean bust out of heaven and find happiness right? well, the seeds for that have been planted. and i knowww that's asking for optimism and faith that we WILL see a continuation in the future, and i get that some people are just doubtful and hopeless, but i really think we will see a continuation in the (maybe not so distant) future. and imo having this foundation to work off w/ dean's recontextualized time in heaven is important for all the things we want to see in a continuation.

and like, even tho i'm annoyed that ppl think his 'ending' now is worse than it was in 15x20, i don't think it's wrong to feel upset, because if that really were where it ended for dean i wouldn't be happy either. but for me the thing is i really really do Not think this is it for dean. i don't think jensen will be satisfied w/ dean staying dead in heaven forever. it completely goes against the thesis of the show, and dean's personal desire for freedom over peace in 'paradise.' and after everything jensen said abt dean + cas reuniting, i think there's a lot of unresolved things in spn that he wants to address, and he'll keep trying to make more spn until we get a better ending for all these characters (bc lbr, sam's ending also sucked. we never saw cas again and all he got was a throwaway line in the finale. jack deserves better too. they all do).

[bitesize-astrology]

An Update

November 25 - 27, 2022

Hello, everyone! NO ... I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth, but I did have a bit of a setback.

Friday, November 18th I went to the movies and had something from the concession stand. Something I normally NEVER do because I don't want to pay the exorbitant prices. Without getting into some crazy details, I think I ingested a small bit of some poison and it took all week to process thru me. This wasn't like food poisoning, but literally ... I think there was something poisonous on the food, and it was enough to take me down. It could have been a small amount of cleaner or other commercial compound, but whatever it was it left a mark.

Between that, and the extra work load doing the daily Pep Talk over at SIRIUS JOY (handling it while my colleague Christopher Witecki is on extended sabbatical) it was just too much on me, and down I went.

THANK YOU ALL for reaching out and checking in on me. I'm going to continue taking a few days off, and will return with gusto on Monday, November 28th.

Much LOVE to you all, and you don't know how much I missed you.

Robbie ... your Bite Size Astrologer

[shehungthemoon]

THE DRAMA OF IT ALL

Robby/Eli tournament fight, surprise highlight of the season 🤩

Really thought Silver was gonna poison Kreese’s drink and straight up murder him at the end there ngl

Literally cannot believe I had to sit thru 3 seasons + a TRICK 4TH SEASON until Johnny and Daniel got their shit together. Since when have your fav fictional yin & yangs ever taken as long as these two 😭 it was PAINFUL

And then

AND THEN

(: they acted like it was off immediately after joining up to coach Sam in her fight 🤪 we cannot win!!

CK gets points back for me screaming “ALSO 2 time av winner” every time Johnny was on screen during the last two episodes and then having DANIEL RUN ACROSS THE FLOOR TO WHISPER THE EXACT SAME THING TO THE KARATE WORLD AT LARGE

Red gis. A STELLAR CHOICE 🤤

Just going to say it, Sam really deserved to win.

And Robby really deserves good things.

Chozen showing up at the end makes no. Sense! No sense. Johnny is right there Daniel!!! Oh my god.

And at the end of it all Miguel remains the only true innocent here and I cannot believe the sweetest person has the most horrible shit just continue to happen to him over and over ;(

Johnny and Robby end scene actually torn my heart straight out of my chest I have no words

[pirate-rat9]

Does anyone else headcanon that Princess Zelda from Breath of the Wild is neurodivergent? I mean, I could just be projecting or grasping at straws, but bear with me here. Also, this is going to include mainly evidence from BotW and the book Creating a Champion because I haven’t had the time to sit down and play Age of Calamity all the way thru yet.

First of all, Zelda has hyperfixations/special interests.

1. Sheikah technology

On page 379 in the book Creating a Champion, it states that “she was able to restore ancient technology to a working state, putting her technological prowess on par with that of Sheikah researchers of the time.” Remember, she’s 16 here, and she knows so much about Sheikah tech that she is on par with other Sheikah researchers who are probably decades older than her.

In Memory #3: Resolve and Grief, she rambles about the Divine Beasts.

In Memory #4: Daruk’s Mettle, she is literally working on Divine Beast Vah Rudania all by herself. She is 16 years old and she knows how to fix giant 10,000 year old machines by herself.

In Memory #12: Father and Daughter, she’s observing some Sheikah scientists working on a guardian, and she knows exactly what’s going on.

In King Rhoam’s Journal it says, “Zelda's eyes lit up like a wildfire when I told her about the relics... I must admit, she has a knack for research.” This is before the Queen’s death. She’s like 5 years old here and she’s already researching advanced ancient technology. She got into Sheikah tech very young, so ancient technology is probably a hyperfixation/special interest of hers that has lasted for years.

Also, since neurodiveregnt people tend to know a hell of a lot about their hyperfixations/special interests, it would make sense that Zelda’s vast knowledge of ancient technology and wildlife comes from her being hyperfixated on those subjects.

2. Flora and Fauna

In Memory #9: Silent Princess, Zelda captures a frog and immediately starts infodumping to Link about the scientific properties of frogs. Her eyes literally light up and she starts talking extremely fast, which is something that I definitely do when infodumping.

In that same memory, she talks about how useful the flowers are for a variety of things, showing that she knows the different uses of all of those flowers.

Also in Memory #9, she rambles about the Silent Princess.

In her study, you can see a lot of plants that she grew and studied.

Zelda also seems to have issues with social cues, and she’s just not good at social interactions in general.

In Memory #9, Zelda seems to not notice that Link is uncomfortable when she shoves the frog towards him and continues to try to get him to eat the frog.

In Memory #12, when King Rhoam asks Zelda what she’s doing, instead of just answering the question, she goes on to ramble about guardians. Her father was clearly upset and didn’t want to hear about guardians, but she started to talk about them anyway.

She also seems to misinterpret social cues, like when she mistook Link’s silence as hatred.

She’s also extremely closed off and never tells people about her problems. Like when her mom died and she didn’t cry at her funeral and didn’t even open up about it until a year later.

Zelda doesn’t seem to have many friends. Like at all.

Literally her only friends are Impa, Purah, Robbie, Urbosa, and later on Link. That’s really not a lot of people, and almost none of them are her age.

Also, she has trouble seeing other people’s problems and emotions and putting herself in other peoples’ shoes, like when she wrote in her diary, “Everyone has struggles that go unseen by the world... I was so absorbed with my own problems, I failed to see his.”

Zelda has issues with emotions.

She clearly has many issues dealing with and expressing her emotions (although this could just be from trauma but still).

When things go wrong, she tends to get extremely upset. A perfect example of this is Memory #5: Zelda’s Resentment. She was extremely depressed and frustrated with her duty and Link, and the shrine not working for her just made her more upset. When Link came along and found her, she blew up at him for merely doing his job.

Also, she didn’t cry during her mother’s funeral because she felt she had to be strong. Her mother died when she was 6.

She didn’t even open up about her pain until a year later, when she passed out in the Spring of Power and Urbosa had to get her out. As far as we know, Urbosa was the only person who Zelda opened up to growing up.

She also has issues with criticism and perceived criticism.

When her father berated her for “ignoring her duty,” she wrote in her diary, “I was so frustrated and ashamed I could not even speak.”

Also, she saw Link’s silence as hatred, and she got extremely defensive and self conscious.

Zelda is extremely impulsive.

She ran off on Link during Memory #5 because she wanted to investigate a shrine, although she could’ve easily been attacked by monsters or the Yiga Clan, or she could’ve just gotten hurt in general.

In Memory #7: Blades of the Yiga, she went out into the extremely dangerous desert on her own, which almost resulted in her death.

She also tried to get Link to eat a frog completely out of the blue because she wanted to do an experiment.

Miscellaneous evidence:

Zelda is extremely rigid with rules, to the point where she prays everyday for 10 years and even puts her health at risk to pray.

She has anxiety to the point where it can keep her up at night (this is from Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity), and although anxiety isn’t a requirement to be neurodivergent, it’s often comorbid with things like adhd or autism.

So I mean yeah, that’s my evidence. I know that you could probably say that a lot of these issues come from trauma or insecurity and her love of science could just come from extreme intelligence, but I like to think that she’s also neurodivergent. Don’t get me wrong, she definitely has a lot of trauma and issues, and I also headcanon her as being like genius levels of smart, but I think it’s interesting to think of her as neurodivergent too.

[sensitivebro]

Posting here because I don’t want to lose this memory and I also don’t want to blast my life on social media. So this platform seems safer for my true self to be seen and saved for me to look back on.

Worlds of Fun. Halloween Haunt. 👻

Kansas City, Missouri. - October 2022

Robby Robby Robby….

So much to say about this man. We have tried this a handful of times throughout our lives. Starting when we were only in 5th/6th grade. Again in college while I was at OSU. And continued when I moved back to Tulsa and he moved in with me. Our break up was hard on that one. Completely my fault because I couldn’t control my emotions. I grew a TON as a person because of that terrible night. I started a fight for no reason and it was a bad one. After that break up, we didn’t meet up on holidays anymore like we used too. We quit talking at all. I dated Skylar and Eric for years. Probably about 8 years all together of not speaking to Robby. I blocked him out of my life all together because it killed me so much to lose him. He was my first love ever. My deepest love ever. He was my everything. I did and still do love literally everything about him. So I swore him off completely in order to heal and move on. Now we are here. 2022. We are both 31 years old. We both own our own homes. Neither have children nor were married in this time apart. We picked up effortlessly. He reached out to me on Instagram and we talked and he invited me over to his house that night. I came over and we haven’t stopped talking ever since. (I just broke up with an abusive 5 year relationship and had been single for about 4 or 5 months… then talked to Robby and have been for about 3-4 months now.) He says he wants to go slow. Which I’m not entirely sure what he believes slow to be exactly. But I’m just following any leads he gives me. We hook up regularly and kiss and hold hands and snuggle constantly. -all by his request I might add- We know each other better then we know ourselves. He’s so kind and so loving. So giving in every sense of the word. My cards have always been out on the table about how I feel about him. He likes me back but not as intense as I do. Which is fine because I’m out of the ballpark with my feelings haha. He does like me a lot though and feels very very comfortable around me. I’m like a best friend that he also likes to fuck and grab ass lol. Anyway… all of this to say… being where we are in life… 30.. I am very happy to be around him. I hope to have a real future together and if that doesn’t work out, the heart break will be worth it. Just being around him makes me so happy. Viewing life thru his eyes is necessary and life changing for the better and I hope to never lose that. He deserves the world and I want to give it to him. I just hope he always lets me.

We have said it years ago but not yet on this go around but he knows it…. I love him. ❤️

[simptasia]

this is why the second half of cats 2019 fucks so much harder than the first half 

in the first half ur brain is still adjusting to the appearance and movements of these feline/primate hybrids. look, i love the designs in this movie, i find them cute and depending on the cat, attractive. but i acknowledge that on some level the brain does find something Wrong about this. thats just nature. so theres the adjustment period

contrary to popular opinion, cats 2019′s plot is not confusing and it is explained. they explain the premise in song and they say it with words. it’s not difficult to miss, munku and misto literally say the premise clearly. however. this is after a very frenetic opening song and then a graveyard dance that can be considered creepy. the exposition naturally cannot fit in any sooner than this, but the effects of these first couple songs can be Jarring. this contributes to the adjustment period aspect of this movie

in my experience, it takes 45 or so minutes for cats 2019 to properly Kick In, as it were. basically don’t give up too soon. also you kinda have to. let cats 2019 happen. if you fight it, ur kick in time will become later or not at all. the opening song throws you the fuck into the movie but it’s a fucking bop so let that wash over you (all this to say, theres a reason why this movie is better the second time and thats cuz like, you’ll Get It then)

first half contains jennyanydots’ song which is 1/3rd great (robbie fairchild’s singing/performance), 1/3rd cringe inducing (to say that rebel wilson isn’t suited for this is me being polite), and 1/3rd Oh Fuck No (the cockroaches, mice children and skin removal. not great choices), again in my opinion, get thru this song and it’s smooth sailing. it’s only a couple minutes, you can do this, the rest of the movie is actually really good

first half also contains bustopher jones’ song, which is. not bad but mediocre i feel. at worst, it’s somewhat nauseating. but yeah overall the song is lackluster. this isn’t entirely a problem with the movie, i’ve listened to and watched the original version of the song and it’s just a dull song

it’s okay cuz once it’s over, mungo and rumple’s song starts and around here the movie becomes extra fuckable. theres ups and downs sure, but by now you have legit gotten thru the worst of it

the second half, by this point you’re presumably used to what they look like and maybe you’ve even adjusted to the horrible editing in this movie (love this movie but whoever edited it should be shot) and here comes robbie once again Being The Best with the song “old deuteronomy”

but im not here to go point by point, because to me the biggest reason the second half fucks so severely compared to the first half is: skimbleshanks, macavity, mr. mistoffelees, memory. these four songs happen all in a row. i call this part of the movie the “continuous parade of joy” because at this point i am experiencing a level of euphoria that i wish i could transmit to other people because i think it could cure depression and end war. these four songs in a row Fuck Me So Hard it blissfully carries me all the way to the end credits

oh and the added bonus that during the last song, watch munku and misto in the back. robbie and laurie are going insane back there and it’s a thing of beauty, theatre brand background acting at it’s finest

anyways i love cats 2019

[ghostshaarkmoved]

ok theories for the aos finale, rated on how much i would like it:

somehow back to the pilot time- 3/10

i hate it. disgusting. hydra would still be in shield, and the world would still be a mess, they deserve a goddamn break, and there could be problems with meeting mike or maybe even robbie cos time travel. (also previous selves? idk how tf time travel works)

points for possibly bringing back trip or daisy’s van. cos i love her van. and the bus possibly.

back to 2023(?): a) where they split up and live peaceful lives- 5/10

i dont believe it. ur telling me yoyo, ms vigilante in columbia, would be content to settle after all this? (actually give me back yoyo acting like a vigilante that was iconic)

i also dont like it- they’re literally daisy’s family and as much as i like sousy i dont think that her ending should be her with him away from the family she’s built over the last 7 seasons thats been with her thru all that

points for no one’s traumatized

back to 2023: b) daisy’s leading shield, some ppl stay on the team and some go retire- 10/10

as much as i want daisy to take a break i feel like she wont and tbh im quite happy with it

phil/may getting a chance to just live a boring ass normal life after all this shit? would be fantastic. fitz/simmons continuing to work on /off maybe? also fantastic.

daisy wouldnt be so damn separate from her family

back to 2023: c) idk what it is but lil said the finale would be good for the bus kids- 18928346723/10

great fantastic love it everything ive ever wanted, thank u lil i love u

they still are like best friends and i want daisy and fitz to have a chance to get that brother/sister relationship back! deal with the trauma!

daisy and simmons are still best friends and i want it acknowledged goddamn it. i would love if they called back to bad girl shenanigns but they’d never be so kind to me.

ive just realized i give exactly 0 fucks abt everything else as long as this little gang is still good. give me s1 bus time callbacks PLEASE

(add on other theories lmao!)

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Twenty Seven, “Meet Me in the Hallway”

New to the story or want to catch up? Find all chapters HERE! :-)

Ok I didnt forget this time :/

                           *  SNEAKYYYYYYYYY PEEK TIME *

“Why’re you annoyed I said that? Is it ‘cause that’s what you want? Did I expose your secret fantasy? ‘Cause ya know you can still go and date him, maybe it’s even easier now that you don’t work for him anymore.”

“Robbie, stop.”

“I can keep a secret. Scout’s honor.”

“No, you can’t! You always say that and it’s never true. And you were never in Boy Scouts,” I scoff, holding onto tufts of his jean jacket.

“I was too! Now, stop avoiding the question. Why won’t you give Harry another chance?” Robbie continues, veering back to the topic I so conveniently changed.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Hmmm, I don’t think I believe you, Ree,” Robbie tsks. “But I’m going to get the truth out of you one of these times.”

P.S - I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors or stuff that should be bolded/italicized that I missed, I already edited this chapter on here a few times and Tumblr kept losing it ugh. 

Enjoy!

“I don’t know,” she replies, yanking at the corners of my heart. A sigh escapes my lips when I feel my heavy head fall into my hands. “M-my dad,” Becky continues, but her words collapse into tears before too long. 

I almost tell her that I already know, but my lips stop just in time. I don’t want her to get mad at Asher. And if I’m honest, our secret elevator meetings to talk about her are the highlight of my week. But my lips search for something to say. The sound of her tears is all I can hear, no matter how badly I ache to take them away. 

“He has c-cancer, Harry,” Becky says, her words tumbling out sloppily. They pull at my heart again, making it fall another notch. 

“Fuuuuuuuuck . . . . ’m so sorry, Becks . . . . Are ya okay?”

“No, w-why would I be? How could I be?” she responds, her words falling out fast. 

“Becks . . have ya been drinkin’, love?” I ask tentatively, wincing when I hear her groan. 

“I don’t wanna ‘ear it. Imma grown woman. I can bloody drink if I want t’ and-,” she argues, her voice steely. I’m caught off guard by the confrontation, and it only makes me feel worse. 

“Tha’s not what I meant, love. I jus’ . . . ,” I try, my train of thought fleeing me. All of my thoughts do, because I wasn’t expecting this. I don’t even know if I’d have any better idea of what to say if I’d had notice she was going to call. That she was going to remember who I was for the first time in 9 months. “Are ya atta pub? Cuz I jus’ wanna know yer safe. I can leave an’ give ya a lift home if ya need,” I finish, unsure of how she’ll take my words. 

She’s quiet and it only makes the scary thoughts buzz louder in my head. 

What if she gets the idea to drive herself home?

What if some drunk bloke bothers her and she can’t fend for herself?

What if she tries to walk home in the rainstorm?

What if she keeps drinking, not knowing when to stop?

What if-

“No, I’m at home. In me bed. I’m not st- dumb, Harry,” she slurs, showing me a side of her I’ve never seen. We’ve had drinks together before - in my office or rarely at a pub. But she never got drunk before. 

“I don’ think ya are, bug,” I counter, the nickname falling effortlessly from my tongue. “’m really sorry ‘bout yer dad. D’ya know how bad it ‘s yet?”

“Noooo, other than that ’s somewhere . . . like in uh Stage 2 . . or somefiing,” Becky answers, her words all over the place. “It’s t-the prostate. Ya know that fing that uh . . . is . . where ‘s it ‘gain?” One of her many words that don’t make much sense.

“Ya I know what it ‘s an’ where. I uh have one of ‘em,” I finish for her. I’m rewarded by hearing her decadent laugh. A sound I’ve craved and missed for so long. I missed it more than I thought I had, I realize as a smile pulls my cheeks upwards. 

“Oh ya. I uh kinda forgot ‘bout dat,” she titters, encouraging a chuckle from my now smiling lips. 

But her laugh fades first and mine follows. Because she didn’t call to laugh at my lame jokes, or to catch up on things we’ve missed in each other's lives. No, not really. 

“He’d been ‘aving pains. So bad he can’t eat, or use the uh loo . . He told me when we was there wit’ Robbie and . . . . he looked baaad,” she tells me, her voice catching on the last word. I feel my heart shudder in pain again, and suddenly I realize the validity of the second-hand pain phenomenon. “And I jus’ dunno ‘ow I’m gonna do dis. I wanna help him and take care o’ him . . . But I’m t’ree hours ‘way and . . . I just dunno how t’ do dis.”

“There’s no real setta rules, love. No guideline or brochure fer how t’ handle it . . Ya jus’ gotta do yer best, an’ love him . . ‘m sorry,” I tell her, not knowing what else to say. 

“You’re sorry?” she laughs, pulling my eyebrows into a knot. “Tha’s a firssssst.”

I listen to her laugh some more, savoring it. But I’m also confused and a little offended. But then it stops abruptly and I hear her sniffle. “I’m the one whoooo should be sorry,” she begins, tears lacing into her words. And taking all of mine with them. “You’re just trynaaaa help, and I’m bein’ mean and rude just like I always am to ya. Ughhhh, I dunno why I even called.”

“No, ‘s okay. Yer goin’ thru a lot an’ . . . I appreciate ya callin’. I jus’ hope ‘m helpin’,” I say quickly, dropping a hand in defeat. It finds its way to my pants and I pick at the loose thread that’s been bothering me all day. 

“But I am, Harry! I’m mean and I make no sense a-and I’m jus’ loadin’ onto ya. But I dunno who else t’ call, cuz ’m tryna t’ be strong forrrrr Robbie. And not worry Skye, an’ I jus’ dunno what t’ do, Harry,” Becky says, the last of her words dissolving into sobs. Biting my lip at the sound of her crying into my ear, I keep biting and biting as she cries. I yank at the thread and feel it dig into my skin, but I don’t let go. “I don’t wanna lose me dad afta I already lost you.” 

It takes a few seconds of telling myself, but I slowly release my bottom lip. I huff, swiping my tongue across my lips. I taste the metally blood coming from the stinging cut. And then the warm taste of salt joins it on my tongue. Pressing my lips together, the pain only intensifies. But I let it stay as tears roll down my cheek. My finger burns, but only for a few short seconds when I finally rip the thread from my pants. It doesn’t compare to the pain I feel inside of my chest, like a vice around my heart. Tightening and throbbing. 

The line grows silent, but I know she’s there. Because I hear her shallow breathing, and the occasional sniffle. And I know that she’s still crying, because I hear the whimpers that she tries to hide. Even if she is drunk. And the pain only keeps coming, because I hate that I can’t do anything to stop hers. Nothing at all. 

“I miss ya so much, Becks,” I whisper, not believing the words coming from my mouth. But they feel good. Freeing. Almost exciting. 

“I . . . I do too, b-but I can’t go down that road ‘gain, Harry. I- I can’t do this,” she rushes. I hear noises on her line, but I can’t get out the words before the it goes dead. Silence.

I feel my phone slide from my hands slick with tears. It falls to the floor with a thud, but I hardly hear it. Because her voice is drowning out the sounds of everything else. 

The thunder. 

The rain falling harder by every second. 

I press the pads of my fingers into my eyes and let my own rain fall. My fingers grow wet with every tear. Every single one I held in as her voice graced my ears. The tears that grew from the pain I heard in her voice. From when I heard about her dad’s diagnosis. And I think the ones I’ve been pushing away for a long time. 

The rain welcomes a friend, and I join the drops drilling against the glass until the storm passes. But I know that although the storm inside of me passed for a little while, that it’s only come back stronger. The velvety sofa cushions and pillow welcome my tired body. I fall into a fitful sleep with her comforting voice dancing through my head. The only place I can see her again, and where I didn’t fuck everything up.  

+

“Don’t worry, Becky. We’ll get this all figured out. You just do your best and take care of yourself and your father. Keep me updated on what you learn, and if you need extensions. Alright?” 

“I can’t tell you how grateful I am,” I reply emphatically. 

He nods before patting my arm and telling me to have a good day. I return it before leaving his office and feeling the slightest weight leave my shoulders. That was the easy part, I think to myself as I find my way through the twisty halls. 

Looping my arm through my other backpack strap, I turn a corner and keep walking. I feel my heartbeat start to slow down after that nervous meeting with Professor Alcott, finishing up my afternoon of meeting with my professors. I couldn’t even believe the words leaving my mouth to grace their ears. 

My dad was diagnosed with Stage 2 prostate cancer recently. We still don’t know a lot, but I wanted to let you know. I plan to still stay enrolled in the program and I’m committed to my courses. At the same time, I’m going to do what I can to take care of him. I will keep you updated as I learn more, but there are still a lot of unknowns at this point and . . . , I think, pausing the track I had on repeat for the last few hours. I had to figure out what to say, then rehearse it, and then say all of those words to the stern-looking expressions of my professors. Two of whom I’ve never even met before, because I’m taking their classes online. But my advisor, Sally, told me it would be best to meet with them in person. It’s more personal and shows your commitment blah blah, she said. 

I’m just glad to have that part over with, I sigh inwardly. 

The first fallen leaves of Fall crunch under my lace up purple Vans. The crisp air welcomes me. For a few seconds, I lose myself in the beginnings of the changing colors of Autumn. But the incessant worrying thoughts that have plagued my mind sit at the back, ready to pounce. I was rather numb for the first several days. I didn’t know how to function normally. Let alone inform my professors professionally and in person about the events that just rocked my life. I’m relieved that they were all very accommodating and kind to me about the news. But I know that the hard work is just about to begin. 

A U2 song pours from my speakers as I back out of my parking space and start my journey home. I try to lose myself in the beloved lyrics, but it’s hard. When they become too relatable and too nostalgic, I skip it and the stereo player whirs as it thinks. My Spotify chooses a song at random - a favorite by Vance Joy. I roll my windows down and try to sing along. 

I close my apartment door with my foot, sifting through the mail. 

A bill. An advert for Skye. Another bill. Another cosmetology advert for Skye. An advert from my uni. Something Skye ordered from Amazon. A random magazine subscription that I most definitely don’t want to subscribe to. A sheet of Domino’s coupons. And a square periwinkle envelope with my name scrawled across the front. No return address.

My feet stop in the middle of toeing off my shoes. The one falls to the floor with an echoing thud. I swallow and pad slowly over to the kitchen island. Pushing Skye’s mess over, I let the pile of mail fall with a slap. With one shoe still on, I soon find myself sitting on the arm of the sofa. Backpack still heavy on my shoulders. Keys still hanging around my finger. But all I can focus on is the periwinkle envelope in my hands. And that familiar handwriting. 

I hug it to my chest and tap my fingers along it as I think. 

I know what it feels like, but I don’t know if I want to open it. 

Because I know what will happen if I do. 

But I can’t deny the first bubbles of excitement rising in my chest. 

The first feelings of happiness I’ve felt in 11 days. 

11 days since my dad announced that he has cancer. The dreaded C word. 

My thumb does the first rip without me barely registering it. My excited heartbeat eggs me on. I try to rip it neatly, and leave the pretty envelope intact. But I’ve never been good at opening mail neatly. It’s just too exciting. I see the cursive word on the back first. The card company’s name. 

The card is a periwinkle purple, like the envelope. He remembered it’s my favorite. My eyes fall closed without warning when I feel the hard square inside of the card. A sigh escapes my lips. It only grows longer when I feel the tiny imprints the pen left from pressing down hard in the author’s hand. 

Exhaling slowly, I flip the card over and find a saying that I glance over. The cursive words made permanent by gold lettering tug at my heart. But I know that’s only the beginning. My finger pries at the opening and runs along the inside, feeling the bumpy impressions of the ink words. I rip the bandaid off and open it. But before I read anything, I grab a hold of the plastic square. I place it behind the card in my grip. 

One step at a time. 

The inside of the card is painted with sloppy black writing. At the sight of it, I watch my sight grow hazy. Starting at the beginning, I blink and feel the first tear fall when I see my name. 

Harry’s name for me. 

Dear Becks, 

I saw this card and thought of you. The little bunny on the front just screamed your name, and well it harassed me during my whole shopping trip to buy it. Isn’t it just adorable?  It made me think of the story you told me once about the baby bunny you found with your dad that was hurt. You both nursed it back to health before it hopped away back into the woods. Or your Dad called the animal services to take it to rehabilitate it. You said you couldn’t remember. Anyways, it made me think of you and the unimaginable pain you’re going through. You and your family. I never had the pleasure to meet your Dad but I wanted to extend my sympathies. He must be a pretty incredible man seeing how well you and Robbie turned out. You always spoke fondly of him. I know you’re very close to him, and because of that I know this is even harder for you. I’m so sorry. I’ve been thinking of you and your family often, and wishing there was something I could do to help. I’m so sorry, Becks. I really am. I don’t think there’s much else I can say to comfort you right now, or if there is I don’t know what it is. I’d just suggest doing what you can to be with your father during this time, and although it may be difficult to see him in pain, I think you’d be happy if you were there. No matter how things turn out, I think it would mean a lot to the both of you. I’ve experienced grandparents and loved ones passing, and it’s the shits but whoever said that it’s better to suffer together than by yourself was right. But please take care of yourself too. I don’t know what your plans are, but please don’t load your plate too full. Okay? I’m sorry, but you won’t be much help to your Dad if you’re giving yourself too much work.  I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, Becks. It pains me more than you could know to know that you’re going through this. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Please let them know that. Take care of yourself, please. For you and your dad. If there is anything at all I can do to help please don’t be afraid to let me know. In the meantime, I hope that this Visa gift card will help. I recall you said you’re from Madley and your dad still lives there, which is quite the trip. I hope this money will help pay for petrol, meals, hospital bills, and anything else that may help make you and your dad comfortable. Myles’ brother who’s a doctor knows of some good docs at The Royal London Hospital where he works - if you’re interested, just give him a ring. I’ll be praying for a hopeful diagnosis and outlook for your dad, and that he recovers from this. I hope you’re hanging in there, Becks. Just take it one day at a time.

Harry xxxxx

My chest shakes with a sob as I breathe in, but it’s so hard. And it hurts. Closing the card, I cover my face with it. And feel the warm tears paint my cheeks. I don’t know where they come from or how I haven’t ran out of them yet, but they keep coming. Without knowing it, I find myself sliding off the sofa and down onto the floor to rest against the sofa. Ugly sounds leave my lips and my body shakes with each sob. For the first time in days, there’s a feeling inside of me stronger than sadness for my dad. 

Longing. 

Missing. 

I miss Harry. And I let myself feel all of it. Like I haven’t been letting myself for months. I forgot how much I missed him. 

The way he could make me laugh. 

How he always knew what to say without worrying it being the right thing. 

His sunshine smile. 

His molasses like voice - deep, rich, and syrupy sweet. 

And most of all, the way his hugs fixed me like a bandaid. I feel my heart wrench with everything I miss, but it especially hurts when I think about how much I miss his hugs. And how badly I crave one right now. No, I need one. 

I cry harder at that, because apparently things can get worse right now, I think inside the chaos that is my mind. 

I miss my dad, even though I saw him yesterday when I went back home. And then I miss Harry, even though I kicked him out of my life. Even though I heard his molasses voice the other day when I mistakenly called him after drinking a bottle of wine. 

I miss him so much and it hurts.

I didn’t know that I could even hurt more than I already was. 

And I wouldn’t have guessed that his card warms my heart, and breaks it at the same time. 

+

My thumb wavers over the keyboard of letters, indecisive and lost. I groan and walk away, padding out of the room and into our main living area. 

“You better be getting a snack since you didn’t eat dinner,” Skye calls out to me from her perch on the sofa. 

“Okay, Mom,” I retort, searching the shelves of the fridge. It sounds bad, but it only took Skye a major life event to do a decent job at grocery shopping, I recount. Grabbing a yogurt from the drawer, an apple, and a spoon from others, I leave with my dinner in hand. 

The food falls to my desk with a clatter as my attention diverts to my phone. Waking it back up, I see the words I had typed out before. Without another thought, I press Send. With wide eyes and a shaky hand, I lay my phone face down away from me. I’ve only gotten settled and read a few lines from my textbook when my phone chimes. With teenage jittery excitement, I stare at it for a few seconds before daring to pick it up. My heart does a somersault in my chest at the sight of the name. 

Harry. 

I read over my text first, and then read his. 

Me

Hi. I can’t thank you enough for the incredibly sweet card. The gift card was more than generous. I don’t know which I cried more at. Just THANK YOU. A lot. I don’t know how many times I can say that. It was so kind of you to think of me and my dad. 

Harry

hi! stop it youre more than welcome. im glad you liked the card. i wasnt sure if it was 2 dorky. u better not have cried at it. im here if u need anything. have a good night xxxx 

My thumbs dance around on the screen. But before long, I set it down and try to immerse myself in my textbook. But it’s hard, because all I can do is think about him and our texts. I was texting him and we were talking, my over excited teenage-like mind thinks. But the adult part of it sweeps it under the rug, or tries to. Those two parts fight each other as I struggle to make sense of the chapter I’m reading. Because the teenage girl side wants to text him back, but the adult side argues there’s nothing to say. And that won’t I just get hurt again? I find myself nodding at that. Or more so, the argument it makes about there being no point in it. But the teenaged side reads into his words and grows excited at some of them. Talk about distracting. 

“Oh my god, just stop!” I mutter aloud, covering my ears but it doesn’t work. Groaning, I flip the page and read on. 

He helped and his card stands on my desk now, but I need to focus on my dad. And school. And this fricken boring chapter that I have an upcoming quiz on.

+

Voices carry down the tiled hallways. The sounds of footsteps sound like ghosts around me. So do the memories I have of these halls. Ones that stab at my insides as I walk further into them. I turn a corner and find the light at the end of the tunnel. He senses me and looks up. He shows a small smile as he crosses his arms over his chest. He’s continued to ignore the the circle of chairs in the waiting area. Instead, he leans against the wall nearby the door we’ve been staring at. 

“Is he done with his labs yet?”

He shakes his head no, narrowing his eyes at me. “You said you weren’t going to go and cry in the bathroom, you liar,” Robbie jokes, but I don’t laugh. He purses his lips and holds his arm out for me. 

I walk into them and rest my head on his chest. “Yeah well, you tell everybody that you’re the older twin when you’re not,” I quip with a sniffle. A laugh rumbles underneath my cheek. 

“That’s ‘cause I am.”

“No, you’re not. Dad only said that when we got in fights to make you feel better,” I reply, closing my eyes and listening to his heartbeat. For some reason, his hugs never fail to calm me down. After a fight we had whether we were 5 or 15, when I snuck into his bed at night when mom and dad were fighting, after a pet died, even after a bad day at school, and especially lately with dad’s diagnosis. It only strengthens my belief about the whole twin thing. 

He scoffs in reply and my lips find a laugh. “I want to see our birth certificates and settle this once and for all.” 

I giggle into his warm chest and close my eyes. But then the thoughts and not longer after, the tears arrive. Robbie squeezes me and tickles my back with his fingers.

“They sounded hopeful at least,” he says quietly.

“Yeah, but they want to do chemo before and after surgery.”

“I know, but they said they have to be sure. If things look good when they’re doing the surgery, like clean margins or whatever it was, then he might not need chemo afterwards,” Robbie points out and I nod, feeling the damp spots on his shirt from my tears. 

“He seems like he’s holding it all together pretty well.”

“Yeah he’s always had super strength. Remember in primary when we wrote that dad was our hero-.”

“And mom got mad,” I finish for him, adding my laughter to his. 

“Yeah. And even though we made that superhero poster about him, I never stopped seeing him as a superhero,” Robbie says, slowly trailing off when the emotions steal his words. 

“Bee, stop, you’re gonna make me cry even more.”

He laughs for a second, but then I hear him start to cry. His chest trembles underneath me. I give up and cry with him. 

“Harry sent me a card in the mail,” I sob, hiccuping in between words. 

“He did? I always knew I liked that guy. What’d it say?”

Something half-scoff and half-laugh is my response before I take a big breath. “I don’t know, it was just so sweet and kind. He said that he’s thinking of all of us, and told me to take care of myself. He said he knows it’s hard to see people you love suffering, but that it’s better to suffer together than on your own,” I choke out, tears drowning my words. “The card had a bunny on it. He said he got it because I told him the story of how Dad and I saved that hurt bunny. I wish he could’ve met dad when I still worked there . . And he sent a $150 Visa gift card to use for bills, petrol, and food.” 

“Wow, that’s crazy generous. Wait, what? You two didn’t save it, the animal control people did,” Robbie argues and I just shake my head. “And don’t say it like that. Dad’s too stubborn to die, you know that. And with how much you talk about Harry, I’m sure you guys are gonna get coffee one day and fall in love and get married,” he continues, his voice quickly turning mocking and girly. I laugh and shove him, stepping away with a laugh. 

“What?” he laughs. His voice is still under water, as is mine. “Why’re you annoyed I said that? Is it ‘cause that’s what you want? Did I expose your secret fantasy? ‘Cause ya know you can still go and date him, maybe it’s even easier now that you don’t work for him anymore.”

“Robbie, stop,” I reply, laughing with emotions fighting in my voice. 

“C’mere,” he says, pulling me into his arms once again. “Ya know you can tell me. I can keep a secret. Scout’s honor.”

“No, you can’t! You always say that and it’s never true. You blabbed to the whole 1st grade I had a crush on Johnny Turner. Then, when I gave you a second chance, you did the same thing again in 8th grade with Willie. And you were never in Boy Scouts,” I scoff, holding onto tufts of his jean jacket. 

“I was too!”

“Being it for one week and quitting because you went home in the middle of the first camp doesn’t count!” 

“I still think it does. I have the outfit, sash, hat, and everything still. I made dad proud, and you know it. Now, stop avoiding the question. Why won’t you give Harry another chance?” Robbie continues, veering back to the topic I so conveniently changed. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Hmmm, I don’t think I believe you, Ree,” Robbie tsks, his scratchy chin resting on top of my head. We hear the click of a door open, and I frantically wipe my eyes. “But I’m going to get the truth out of you one of these times.” 

I roll my eyes at Robbie as I peer up at him. He winks before sloppily kissing my head. 

“Come on, you rascals. Let’s get outta here before they try to poke me with any more needles,” our dad says, walking out of the room with his jacket folded over his arms. 

I know he knows we’ve been crying, but he doesn’t mention it. I think another secret language is already starting to form between us. With Robbie’s arm around my shoulder, I grab hold of my dad’s hand. He turns to flash a tired smile at me, before placing a kiss on my forehead. 

“Thanks for coming, guys,” he hums quietly as we stop in front of an elevator. His smile tugs at my heart. I’m just thankful to be able to still see it. 

Stepping onto the elevator, he squeezes my hand hard, just like he always has done. “Dad, don’t!” I yelp and he chuckles under his breath. 

After pressing the button for the lobby, I see Robbie’s lips bend upwards. This can’t be good. “Hey, dad, when we get home can you pull out our birth certs? I need to know the truth of who’s really the older twin.”

“Oh god. You two are 25 years old, when is this going to be over?!” my dad huffs, rubbing at his eyes, but with a smile. “Maybe I won’t take you with the next time, since it’s giving you existential crises,” he threatens, and we all fall into easy laughter. 

“I’m gonna have an existential crisis if I found out you’ve been lying to me for my whole life,” Robbie exclaims and we all only laugh harder. 

+

My backpack and coat fall to the floor with a heavy thud. With a yawn, I bend over to grab my things. The sound of chattering surrounds me. It slowly grows in volume as I sit there tiredly with my head down. I hear footsteps, laughs, and the scuffling of moved objects. 

“Wake up!” a voice nudges at me. I groan angrily in response and hear laughter in response. I peek through a crack in my arm to find Ruby’s crazy red hair bobbing next to me. My newest friend from Criminology. “Just ‘cause we have a guest speaker today, doesn’t mean you can sleep.”

“Oh, that’s today?” I reply excitedly, returning to the warm cocoon of my arms. 

“Yeah, but we still have to take notes. Ya know like last Wednesday when we had our first guest speaker? We had to write down questions for them, even if we don’t end up asking them. Alcott just wants us to get thinking and to well, pay attention. And not fall asleep like somebody! And then we have to write down 8 things that interested us, so get unpacking,” Ruby replies, her chipper voice drilling into my ears. 

“Noooooo,” I moan, scrunching my face in secret. 

I hear the door to the lecture hall close with a loud bang and Alcott laughs. “Alright, you lot, look alive. Our guest speaker has arrived and is ready to dazzle you this rainy Wednesday morning. Remember to be working on your page of ‘Ahas’ whilst he’s speaking. You’ll be passing it in at the end of class which is in 50 minutes,” Alcott announces. His Southern accent coming out in a few of his words. 

“Shitttttt. I think I might like this guest speaker. Look at him, Becky. He is fineeeeeee,” Ruby whispers, elbowing me hard in the arm. 

With a whimper, I sit up with a secret stretch. Combing my hair back, I rub at one of my eyes as they both struggle to focus. 

“What, who’s fine? What’s fine?” another voice blurts out. I squint and look over to find Simon taking the seat on the other side of me. The little Criminology trio back together again. 

“Not you being tardy, that’s not fine,” Ruby retorts with a smirk in her voice. I can’t help but smile. Simon flashes one at me as he combs a hand through his sandy hair after digging in his backpack. 

“So without further ado, I’d like to introduce our guest speaker today. Harry Styles from Styles and Lawson. Let’s welcome Mr. Styles with open arms and give him our undivided attention, please.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I mumble under my breath, coaxing a confused ‘what’ from Ruby and Simon’s lips . 

“Hullo, class. My name ‘s Harry Styles, but ya can call me Harry. Ummmmm as Professor Alcott said, ‘m from tha London law firm Styles and Lawson. Me mate, Myles Lawson, makes up tha otha half o’ tha firm. This year it’ll be 5 years since we started tha firm togetha, which ‘s bloody crazy t’ me. Before, it was his dad’s firm, and long story short, Myles an’ I got togetha an’ here we are. Anyways, I make me rounds in London talkin’ t’ law classes. I’ve always enjoyed speakin’ t’ tha incomin’ lawyers an’ tellin’ some o’ me stories. An’ me favorite part - answerin’ questions. I thought ‘d start with how I got into law, tho’.”

Shit. I really should’ve known this would happen.

“Nothing,” I reply. “J-just hand me a piece of paper and a pencil, please,” I say briskly to Ruby. 

The last thing I want is to make a single sound that will bring attention to me. But it seems like the universe doesn’t really care lately what I want. I’m already trying to figure out my odds of him spotting me in the sea of 50-so students. Amongst 35 or so ogling girls. Typical.

But the more my eyes focus and my ears attune themselves, I lose myself. I knew it wasn’t a dream when I heard the first word from his mouth. I’d know that voice anywhere. But when my eyes finally focus on the towering figure standing at the front of the room, my eyes struggle. Gone are his long curly locks, and replacing them is a short and curly quiff. I try to ignore the somersaults my insides are doing, but it’s terribly difficult. 

Taking a deep breath, I savor listening to the words fall from those smiling cherry lips. In that slow, calming voice. Never being able to remain in one place, he paces around the front of the room slowly. Clad in a gray suit with a black button down, I slowly melt next to Ruby. Who from her choice of words, is doing about the same. Just in a less graphically described way than her. I can’t blame her, because somehow he has only gotten more handsome over the last year. 

“Isn’t he just so nice to look at?” she croons. 

“Oh yes,” I reply without thinking, and she sighs happily.

Simon groans in disgust, shaking his head. I see him out of the corner of my eye playing with the lead in his pencil. He tries to take it out in one piece before putting it back in. Rinse and repeat.  

I bite my lip and somehow tear my eyes away and to the paper sitting in front of me. I scribble my name across the top. Numbering my page, I write down the first ‘aha’ I have. 

1. Renowned lawyer with his own firm at 28. Almost unheard of. 

Tapping the pencil absently at my thigh, I return my attention to the front. Playing with the rings donning his hands, Harry continues with the story of how he came to be a lawyer. One I can’t say I’ve heard before. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he starts to walk again. Changing his focus from somebody in the front row, it suddenly floats up. 

And lands on me. 

Not only am I surprised, but so is he. The pencil between my fingers halts and altogether falls from my fingers. He stops mid sentence when his eyes lock with mine. My insides grow bubbly as a sparkle gleams in his eyes. I watch a grin unfold on his lips before he composes himself. 

Clearing his throat, he asks, “I-I’m sorry, can somebody uh remind me what I was sayin’?” 

Nervously, he combs a hand through his hair. Laughing, he thanks an eager girl in the front row when she reminds him. And soon enough, he’s back on track with a new nervousness to his voice, or excitement. I’m not sure which. And his eyes trail back to me after a few words, making a smile tickle at my lips. 

Although hard, I look away and pretend to think of something to write. Feeling another pair of eyes on me, I look over and find Ruby’s hot on my cheek. I shrug at her jealous look and she just shakes her head. I laugh under my breath and she kicks me under the table. 

I lose myself in Harry’s words for the rest of his talk, his maple syrupy voice like music to my ears. 

He talks about starting his law firm with Myles.

Some of his favorite cases.

His first case.

His worst case.

His hardest case.

And then he goes on to answer questions. Ruby and I aren’t the only ones fawning over him, because most of the class is as well. Some girls are really flirting it up with Harry. He just relishes in the flattery, to no surprise. I try not to notice the few times he peeks at me when he looks for somebody to call on with a question. 

“Why does he keep looking at you?” Ruby whispers to me as I write down another ‘aha.’ Some random takeaway from another story of his. 

“How am I supposed to know?” I reply, twiddling with my pencil when I’m done. “Why don’t you ask him a question already? I can see the ants in your pants, Rube.”

“I don’t know, I think her question would be if he was single,” Simon jokes, garnering a few curse words from Ruby. I quietly laugh between their hushed argument. 

“Well, ‘m gettin’ tha eye from Alcott, so I reckon that my time’s up with you lot. Thanks fer havin’ me an’ hopefully I wasn’t too boring t’ listen to,” Harry concludes at the front of the lecture hall. 

I pretend I don’t hear Simon’s griping next to me. I can’t help but smile as I slide my backpack onto my shoulders. 

“Not so fast, everybody. What do we say to Mr. Styles for speaking to our class today?” Professor Alcott pipes up. I join in on the class-wide thank you as I hand Ruby her pencil back. 

“I bet you’ll be awake and ready for Wednesday lectures from now on,” she says, winking at me. 

I roll my eyes with a grin as I start down the steps beside her. “Like you’re any better. I saw you both drooling from the corner of my eye,” Simon remarks. 

“Maybe,” I say quietly, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my pullover quarter zip. The last syllable falls from my lips as my eyes pan over to find his head of dark curls.

Nearly at the uppermost row, my view wasn’t the best. As I near closer to him, his features sharpen and with the realization, my heart squeezes in my chest. Light stubble coats his dimpled cheeks as he smiles talking to a classmate of mine. 

I’m only a few footsteps from the bottom now, following the slow line of people who are leaving. The angel and demon, for lack of better words, argue inside of my head. Should I go and say hi? 

Yeah, why not?

No, why would you?

It would be rude if you didn’t.

It would be weird if you did. 

But there are a handful of girls around him probably already flirting with him. 

With an indecisive sigh, I clench my fists inside of my pockets. The two opposites inside of me clash, and I truly have no idea what to do. His card the other day was so kind and thoughtful. But I was a bitch the last time I saw him. I can’t believe it’ll be a year in two short months since I quit. Wow. 

“I dunno why they’re bothering, it looks like he’s taken,” Simon snickers, earning a flick on the head from Ruby. “Don’t be a bitch just because I pointed out the truth. Can’t shoot the bloody messenger, Rube.” 

I don’t intervene when Ruby chases after Simon to the door. Suddenly my feet stop around the corner from the stairs. Only a few more steps and he’d be out of my sight. 

Again. 

For who knows how long until next time. 

I can’t take my eyes off of him. He really looks like he’s enjoying himself talking to law students. Up close, he really has grown more handsome over the last 11 months. I never thought that could be possible. Smiles crease his cheeks.And light up his eyes. 

But when his left hand habitually goes to fix his quiff of curls, I see the gold ring Simon saw. He wore rings, but never that one. It’s like my heart is brought up from the bottom of the lake where it’s been, and takes another nose dive back down.

“Becky!” somebody calls for me. I blink and almost think it’s him. But when I look around for the culprit, I find Simon walking up to me. 

I find it hard to squash the disappointment weighing inside of me. That it’s not Harry. 

“Sorry, Si. W-what’d you say?” I reply, tearing my eyes away from Harry. 

“Don’t look so sad he’s taken,” Si jokes quietly, putting an arm around me and squeezing my shoulder. I force a smile and walk to the door with him. “Wanna go get a coffee? Maybe that’ll cheer you up,” he suggests happily, his voice echoing in the hall to the door. 

“Yeah sure,” I respond slowly, unsure of my words. I let him guide me out of the lecture hall and into the busy hallways. 

Wow, Harry, you moved on from Amber that quick, huh? I think to myself with knitted brows and self-doubt. Swallowing, I try to push the nagging thought away. But I can’t, and I find myself barely able to carry on a conversation with Simon. 

I thought seeing Harry in my lecture was one of the sweetest surprises. Instead, it feels like a happy dream that turned into a nightmare at the end.  

[egg2k16]

movie idea #5: lesbians in the wild west. Like, ok, there's this widow, played by Amy Adams, let's name her Harper Myers. She lives all alone on her farm ever since her husband, dear James, died. She's a few months pregnant, and is able to keep her farm bcus she hunts animals and sells their pelts at the local market. So she’s getting known for her pelts and tanning services, and all that jazz, getting a respectable reputation. She’s a very focused, somewhat serious lady. Hey, she’s gotta work

and like, suddenly this rich couple moves in, the Howards, Mr. Thomas Howard and his wife, Delphine (played by Margot Robbie). They came from New York, and have moved to Arizona bcus of some “man thinks he’s cool” reason, w/e, who cares about him, and his good wife comes along and is going to start working as the schoolmarm. She’s very giddy and joyous, and excited to live here and meet all the new people and be able to teach! When they arrived, Harper was at the store, exchanging skins for meats n foodstuffs. She looks over to the chatty Delphine, looks back at the clerk, and rolls her eyes, “They’re not gonna last the winter” The clerk chuckles, agreeing

Delphine goes around the neighborhood, meeting w the parents of the kids she’ll be teaching. Everyone thinks she’s such a doll, a real sweetheart, they’re all happy to have such an excited and promising teacher for their kids. When Delphine gets to Harper’s house, she’s all bubbly and cheerful, giving Harper whiplash bcus She Wasn’t Expecting. This. Delphine sees that she’s pregnant, and asks about it, when are u expecting, how is she, how is the baby, is this her first kid, what names has she been thinking of? By this time, she’s already entered the house, sat down, and was drinking tea w Harper, who has No Idea how this happened. Delphine asks for her husband. “He’s not here anymore” “Oh, what happened?” “He died” “Oh... I’m sorry, that must’ve been terrible!” “Yeah, well, you know” Delphine taps her cup, looks up at Harper with genuine sadness, then finishes up her tea and visit. At the door, she tells Harper, “Now, when the time comes, I would love to help you bring your baby into this world! Such a magical experience, having a child.” “Do you have any of your own?” Here, Delphine slightly cringes, clears her throat, straightens out her gloves. “Uh, no, sadly” “Okay, well, I’ll be sure to call you” “Great! See you then!” Delphine steps off the porch, walks a ways, turns back to wave goodbye, then gets on her horse and continues on her way. Harper watches her leave, patting her tummy and telling her baby, “You’re gonna have one interesting teacher”

Delphine gets to be loved by everyone in town, her goodwill has lifted everyone’s spirits. Her husband is doing some dumbassery or w/e, frankly no one cares. Delphine is helping clean up and fix the school, getting her hands dirty and all! She picks up her skirts, putting up her hair, not letting all the grime and dirt get to her. (Thru-out the movie, we actually see this as a theme of Delphine letting go of her frilly styles n ways to become more solid n, well, butchy person)

Harper sees her, and starts to See Her. They become closer friends, Harper helping her learn about life out here in the West, Delphine doting on her bcus she’s got no one to look after her, “and that, darling, simply won’t do!” Harper even starts making a finely made fur coat for her to give on Christmas, which when the day comes, Delphine is amazed at the craftsmanship, immediately puts it on, and claims it’s "the best coat I’ve ever worn in my life! No really, dear, this is just,” she softly touches the fur, looking up at Harper w something like adoration in her eyes, “Thank you, for the best gift I’ve ever gotten.” Harper goes red in the face, tries not to smile so hard, looks away, shrugs, “It’s nothing, really.” “No, it’s everything” Delphine says as she walks to Harper and holds her hands. This is the moment when Harper realizes that she’s fallen for her best friend

Skip a few months, Harper’s belly is fuller and rounder. At Delphine’s request, she’s stopped skinning and tanning, and just shoots the animals n lets Delphine skin n tan them. They have dinner by the fireplace. Delphine is wearing trousers, boots, n ties. She’s got her hair up in a French twist. One night she says, “I should cut my hair” “Yeah?” “Yeah, I should.” She does!

When the school starts up, Delphine is getting ready to prepare for the first day of classes, when someone comes in, blustering and panting. “What? What happened?” “Your husband, he’s injured!” “...What” So, here’s the thing: [here we have a quick montage] Thomas had decided to head West bcus he’d read some cool books about the subject, n wanted to face the elements n be a cowboy, baby. He was out hunting some deer w some dudes, fell down a deep ditch, hit his head, broke his leg, is bleeding a lot, lost consciousness. They rushed him to the hospital (well, technically, the doctor’s), and the doctor says that Thomas fractured several bones, has a punctured lung, might have a concussion, has lost A Lot Of Blood. Buddy he’s not gonna make it.

Delphine rushes to the hospital, but at the same time, Harper is being rushed inside, her water broke n is gonna give birth Right Now. Now Delphine is forced to make a choice: either go w her husband and be the dutiful wife that she’s supposed to be, or go w the woman she loves. Camera does a slow zoom to her face, she’s looking between the two pathways. She looks off to the distance, then snaps to look in a specific decision. Camera cuts to Harper finally giving birth, and being giving her baby, her baby girl. She hugs her, crying bcus she’s holding her baby girl, her baby! She looks up and smiles at Delphine, who can only hug her and kiss her forehead

We cut to see Delphine in the schoolhouse, teaching the kids about math. Harper knocks on the door, steps in holding her baby w one arm, in her other hand a small basket. She heads to the front of class, saying, “Sorry, excuse me, sorry for interrupting” and gets to Delphine n hands over the basket. “You forgot your lunch, dear” “Oh, thank you darling!” Delphine gives her baby a kiss, “Hello Clio! Here to bring mommy her lunch?” Harper smiles, then turns to leave, “Mommy has to teach all these children. I’ll see you at home. Study hard, kids!” Harper n Clio leave, waving goodbye. Delphine waves back, smiles, then shakes her head, turning back to her students. “Alright, now where were we...?”

End movie

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

I don't blame you at all for keeping quiet about the show. I just can't understand how the people running the CW can look at what Dabb is doing to this show and go, "Eh - good enough." It's NOT good enough. It is demonstrably terrible, and at this point I desperately hope there will be a new show runner next season who will reveal the last 2 seasons were all a dream because one of the boys was in a coma. I don't know how else to fix things without acting like the Dabb era just didn't happen.

Not sure my ask went thru… What’s up Girly-girl! Long time no comment, edit, review, rant, observation, bitch session…  we miss you! You still watching? Curious as to what you think about theses past 5 episodes. Looks like Dabb in his ultimate suckitude as a Showrunner has screwed Jensen over again and handed off his DeanMichael storyline to another. Shocker. I’ll be really pissed if he has. And it definitely looks that way.             

Hello dear!

I assume these two might have been written by you? And probably some time ago as well. I’m sorry about replying so late, but tumblr hasn’t really been a prioriy these past months. Thank you for your message though. :) I think tumblr is working perfectly alright without me though, but thank you for being sweet and saying you missed my rambles.

That being said, I don’t think there will be any rambles, specs or metas posted on my page in any foreseeable future - though I could probably just schedule the around 200 meta-, gif- and edit-posts that are still sitting in my drafts, but then again… they have collected some dust by now.

To be completely honest, it’s a combination of things why I have been silent on here. One being that my daily life with work has been pretty demanding and doesn’t leave me with a whole lot of energy after I get home, but it’s also that I simply don’t have as much to say about SPN anymore these days.

I joined fandom in the middle of S7 and my personal highlight times on here has been from S8 to S11 - those were the good old days of meta, really they were golden and I cherish that time dearly still, but fandom has changed since then (and what people deem most important as well), the show has changed and I don’t feel like I am having a place in this fandom any longer. While I also always love editing, my primary focus on tumblr and with my blog has been analysis and meta and I feel like the kind of meta I strived for, loved reading and wrote myself theme wise is no longer of any interest to the majority of people - which doesn’t really bother me, I would continue to post my views regardless, but these past 3 seasons under Dabb’s reign have been hard on me. He turned the show into something I can barely recognize as the show I fell in love with. The storytelling is a mess and so much other stuff as well that I have been very vocal about up until a few months back, but I didn’t want to be just negative any longer so I took a break hoping that maybe SPN would inspire me again to write, but Dabb’s version of SPN is so shallow, so foreseeable from miles away that it has simply not been the case.

To put it plainly, Dabb has made me fall out of love with SPN these past 3 years as he turned it into a show that has nothing in common with the show I love. Of course all of our tastes differ, but my personal favourite seasons past Kripke were the Carver years as he imo knew how to craft story, craft emotion, craft characters and he knew how to play subtle, how to set up a story and follow through, how to make your heart ache in the best way possible. His style of storytelling and showrunning is what I adored and Dabb’s style has hardy anything in common with that so the past three years watching the show, seeing canon thrown out the window, replacing deep emotion with cheap melodrama and stories that built up and had a climax to millions of stories that go nowhere has left their mark on me. It’s been a tough three years, years that were frustrating, yes even painful, it was like a relationship that you always hoped would blossom again but never did. It’s like a relationship that had all the raw potential but ended up hurting you more than it made you happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I will always love this show and there will never be another show that will have this impact on me and my life and I can guarantee that there will NEVER be a character that will mean as much to me as Dean Winchester, but Dabb era has been painful, because I cared so much about the show. I was mourning it and it’s characters while they were still there on my screen but treated with such careless hands that I needed to take a step back and to be honest, I think it was the right call. For one because no one needs a negative voice all the time, but even more so now that J2M have revealed that S15 will be the last.

I see a lot of people very broken up about it and I’d have been the same way after S8 or 9 or 10 or 11 if it had ended then, right now I feel relief - and I don’t want to hurt anybody with saying that - and strangely enough for the first time in a while interest again (I have been watching the episodes btw, but like I said… nothing that would need to be written about - aside from Jensen rocking it with his Michael struggle, which like you said now has been given to someone else, once more) and a faint bit of hope and even happiness, because this way they should be able to craft an ending that is planned from the get-go. And that is something that could be very good for the storyline - then again, sadly I doubt that someone like Dabb could pull it all together. But here’s to hoping. All I want at this point is for them to make it count, make it worth it - I’d love nothing more than seeing the first episode of S15 and feeling like writing meta again.

So, what does it all add up to? I know this is a long ramble, but I felt it was overdue given my silence on here. I don’t know how often I’ll be on here from now on, I’ll check in here and there, but I doubt I’ll be posting much. To everybody who is hurting due to SPN coming to an end: HUGS. Really selfishly I can say I truly don’t hurt or feel broken up, I feel more like resolution is finally on the horizon and potential for a wonderful ending. And something that I will always be grateful for is the people this show has brought into my life, people who’ll stay in my life way past this show, that’s what makes the show count: just like the character will transcend, keep living, so will these friendships for life and that’s how this show will become “immortal”. Not through the storylines, not through the 15 seasons it aired, it had impact through and due to the people who watched it and who found like minded people through it they can consider close friends and even family now.

Anyway, if I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to get all of the good writers back on the show for this last hurra, Ben Edlund, Jeremy Carver, Sera Gamble, Raelle Tucker, Robbie Thompson and Adam Glass for example and of course Eric Kripke. Let them pen the ending to the show that famously once said “endings are hard, but nothing ever truly ends, does it”. And yes, I still stand by my sceanrio that I have written about many a times before in terms of endings. I’d love it if the ending scene was a shot of the Impala on some stretch of the road (the brothers may have died fighting the good fight or finally retired or whatever else) and some guy who looks to be lost, but a good soul tries the door and it swings open. He sits down, rumages through the car to find the keys and finally looks into the glove compartment where a thick envelope sits that reads:

“For you”

And the guy picks me it up and opens it and inside there’s a leather journal, reminiscent of John’s but not his and a folded piece of paper and the keys to the Impala. And you can see in Dean’s handwriting there’s written:

“May she be as much of a home to you as she was for me and my brother. Treat her well, or I swear I’ll haunt your ass.”

And the guy laughs and turns on the ignition, “Back in Black” starts blasting from the radio so that he turns down the volume and fumbles for the journal, opens it up and looks at the first page that says:

“My name is Dean Winchesters. And then is my story. Buckle up.”

[writingpromptswithkate]

Two Moons Are Better Than One

Part II.

The Japanese astronomers started calling it Utsushitsuki, the ‘copied moon’. The English-speaking internet photoshopped a wolf head onto it and called it Moon Moon. Conspiracy theorists called it a hoax. Hannah the office girl called it a manifestation of the duality of nature: light and dark, summer and winter, male and female, God and Goddess, etc.

The second morning after the discovery of the second moon, Hannah was late coming into the office. This in itself was a rarity: Hannah was well aware that her non-traditional beliefs did not endear her to her conservative coworkers; she made sure not to give them any reason to dispute her efficacy in the office. In three years, she had only ever been late once, stuck on the highway into town behind a nasty accident involving a Dodge Laramie with a towed boat blocking both lanes.

Car accidents were not rare in this part of the mountains: tourists came up from the bay and the valley and not a damn one of them knew how to take a real mountain road turn. Things got bloody when the winter snow and ice set in.

But that was winter, and accidents involving trailer and boat towers typically happened in summer. This was neither, and Hannah had no such excuse.

She finally showed up, more than an hour late, looking as worn out as Nate felt after two nights’ bad sleep. Hannah made her apologies and shuffled to her desk and kept her eyes down while she switched everything on.

Nate happened to be in the office, Thursday being his big paperwork day, so he had a front-row seat to the spectacular chewing-out of Hannah by their manager Robbie. She was nearly in tears by the end. Nate didn’t like tardiness any more than Robbie did, but he thought Robbie was being a real dick about it. Now, Robbie was a bit of a dick anyway, he was famous around the office for it, but he was never this much of a dick. He was threatening Hannah with official citations, and saying that if it wasn’t a busy time for them and they could afford to train a new office girl he would fire her right now.

Nate thought that was a bit much, for only a second tardy offense in a three-year period. He concluded that Robbie must be in as bad a mood as Nate himself was in, owing to lack of sleep.

Eventually, of course, Robbie ran out of things to threaten Hannah with, and he stormed back into his private office huffing with exhaustively spent rage. Nate chose this break in the storm to deliver some of his paperwork to Hannah for filing.

“What happened, anyway?” Nate asked conversationally while trying not to look at Hannah’s shining, red eyes.

“I don’t know. I don’t remember what I did last night. I just... woke up almost two hours late this morning... next to the wood pile off the back porch.”

“Two hours late? But you were only one hour late for work...?”

Hannah looked down. “Yeah, well, I skipped my morning shower so I wouldn’t be two hours late.”

“Huh. Wouldn’t‘ve known.” Nate never spent much time in proximity to Hannah to notice if she smelled, nor did he ever particularly stop to notice whether her hair looked clean or greasy. She had it back in a ponytail today, which was as good a cover as any for greasy roots.

He did notice, now that she had brought up the shower, that she had rather more than usual undereye raccooning from eyeliner or mascara or what-have-you. He mentioned this when she replied with a sullen “yeah, right”.

Hannah then excused herself to the restroom, and when she returned, face slightly red and damp, much of the black smudges under her eyes were cleaned up.

Not a half hour after this, Hannah called Nate back to her desk with a dispatch.

“Power outage all over downtown Sonora, looks like someone crashed into a pole and took out a transformer. Downed lines. CalTrans is on the way to help redirect traffic. Fire department is on the scene already.”

Nate was out the door almost before Hannah finished speaking. He double checked his toolbox and gear and then hopped in his truck.

It was a lot worse than “someone crashed into a pole”.

Downtown Sonora streets were much like any other downtown streets in that they were narrow and featured a great deal of parallel parking. Or rather, they were supposed to feature parallel parking.

This looked more like the entire street at once forgot what parallel parking was and just stopped their cars wherever. Including up on curbs, in the exact center of the street over the lines, and in several instances halfway inside the downtown businesses. More than one car had crashed into a pole, and more than one transformer was taken out. Far too many of the downed lines lay draped across the tops of cars. Far too many of the cars were emitting smoke and other gases, not to mention dripping a variety of noxious-smelling fluids, the odor made all the worse by their mixing with each other and with the smell of electrical burning.

It was the burning smell that really got Nate’s attention. Downed power lines plus oil and/or gas leaks would be utterly disastrous for the densely packed downtown area. He needed more than just the local fire department.

Cell service was abysmal up this way, and Nate’s calls kept failing before he could get through. It did not help that everyone in every shop on the street was probably trying to do the exact same thing. He eventually got through to Hannah by text:

Real bad up here. Call calfire, need backup asap. At least six poles down. Too many lines. Too many cars.

Nate had nowhere to turn his truck around, so he backed it out of the street until he got to an alley he could use for a three-point turn. He couldn’t go back to the office, so he found a bank with a decent size parking lot a few blocks away from the wreckage and waited for backup, or for Hannah to text back.

When she did, it was not a welcome sight:

Got thru to calfire but they can’t get up here, dist 3 and 5 both on big fire across Fresno and Merced cos. Fires all over the state, no extra men.

No CalFire support.

And more fires all over the state.

What about the natl guard?

She said she’d let him know. And come back to the office if it wasn’t safe to do work there without backup or fire support. Hannah would call or text everyone out in the field and get them back to home base to regroup.

Nate was about to start his truck when an explosion from downtown shook him to his bones.

So the power lines had reached the gas leaks.

The sound of police sirens were already well within earshot; no doubt police had already been on the way while Nate and Hannah texted.

Another explosion sounded, this time accompanied by screams.

There was nothing Nate could do without backup and a lot more equipment. The police, and CalTrans when they got here, would get the people out of the way so Nate and his colleagues could do their jobs.

He started up his truck.

—the story continues—

<<Part I  | Part III>>

[eeshalaurel]

Finding Home Within Me

I have learned to find Home within Me. I am ok Being me and with me,  my identity is not tied to how my house looks or where it is.  I have learned to find safety In my Being`ness, Safety and home In my breath and in being Present with me whatever the outer circumstances ~  ~ This Spirit and Light and Spark and Flame of God Light that Lives within this dear body shines and glows and is home to me.   As I breathe into my heart and have even a notion to connect with this God Light, there Is Light.  Always there is Light and it grows brighter as I breathe into my heart.    And God said, let there be light, and there was and is Light.  Va Yomer Elohim,  Vaya hee Or,     Vaya hee Or.  

But my body has needs.  This dear body that is still living here on this planet needs to be warm in the winter and able to get out of the heat in the summer time.  This dear body that has kept on living through 50 years of Lupus, Systemic Lupus and two divorces, and family all rejecting me and a huge church family disowning me leaving a man who none of the elders in the church would even try to deal with. Leaving this man and such a nice house that I had papered and curtained and stained the wood and created a home for our family.  When I left to get the children and me away from emotional abuse and disregard disgust - they could not deal with the tiny little house in a lower class neighborhood and with being with me while their dad was telling them that I was crazy, maybe I would get help.   So they left and moved back into the nice house.      That was probably the most devastating time of this life.. I was a Mother thru and thru.  I loved being with me children each stage even the terrible twos with a baby.  Friends in the church would talk of not being able to wait until their child could walk or go to preschool or to kindergarden -  I would tell them......   ...  ..  No, 

This Is the Perfect Time, this time is to be cherished each moment loving these precious little beings who still look at you as if you are their whole world and it is  so amazing to see what new thing they discover every day. And they are so much fun most of the time. And it is so good to me their mother.      Then was Then,  Now is Now..   Now I am 70 years old.   These beautiful children grew up and have their lives and act as if I do not exist.  Tim will have nothing to do with me.  No one gives me a reason.  It is a great mystery.  And Nancy is busy busy with her life and sends me a gift thru the mail Christmas and Mother's Day - this year beautiful roses in a box at the front door - they are lovely, I added greens from the bushes outside - and for my birthday.  I get a short email reply sometimes.  maybe once a year a little conversation on the phone of her telling me some things about her life and her job and avoiding anything about my life.    I love them each so much every day, I see their heart lights and the good dear people they each are, and I love and cherish them. 

  But my body and my psyche has needs - and the continuing loss of my children in my life is like a part of me gone missing.   My older brother wanted assurances that he would not have to come down here to handle anything when I am dead.  I have my body donated to science when I pass on, so no one has to do or spend anything.  The middle brother lives in a tiny place on his own on disability, a brilliant person ill equipped for being out in the world.  I do not hear back form him, he is doing his best.  

Little brother Robbie, such a light and kind sweet hearted being managed to make his way our of out disabling childhood and get trained to me a machinist and made good money and loved motorcycles and was excellent at dirt racing. He went on trips with friends to other places to ride their bikes on curing mountain roads.  He was a favorite and a strength to this group for many many years until he could no longer find a medication to deal with his depression and kept missing work and lost his job.  He found others but could not keep the so he sold the bikes and lost the community and sold his dear house and all most of his things and then his precious dog died and he moved into a little box of an apartment.  He still could use his homemade gear shift and pedals and do online virtual racing from home.. He was very good and loved in this community.  But the Television broke and he quit paying for a phone and ran out of money to pay the rent.  He had applied for disability with no good results.  So 5 years ago her ended his own life..      

Fortunately, I was able to find a way to be at the crematorium with his body inside of a white box.  I had been tuning in and not being able to connect with him to help him to come out of this trauma to help him cross over. I knew I had to be with his body.   There was a sweet and kind man at the crematorium that gave me time alone with Rob.  I brought an older helmet still at his apartment and his harmonica.  I described the helmet to him and played a bit on his Homer Hamonica and told him how very much I love him. I told him that I totally understood why he did this and did not blame him. I told him his brothers were ok with it all too and that we all love him so much.  I felt all the hairs my arms dance and my heart felt his presence there with me.  then I intended and sensed my river of light from the heart of Gaia thru my heart Light and up to Source Light and then his river of light joining mine.  I sensed and  saw our maternal grandfather standing at the opening gates of heaven leaning out with his arms to call Robbie to him.  There beside him jumping about was Baby the precious little black and white dog so excited to see his human again,  Behind them standing there was my mother waiting for her youngest boy.  All of Robbie's Presence and Soul zoomed up that column of Light and was Home.    On one of the last mornings in his apartment, I awoke to see Robbie standing in a bright sunny wide space standing tall and confident and happy and looking at me with his eyes and heart with thanks and love.   He let me know he is Home and safe and all is well.     In my inner world I am so very safe and loved and at home.  I have died several times and know what it feels like to be Me but outside of this body.  OH it is so glorious~ just viscerally remembering that expansion and freedom not catches my breath.   I am that I am a unique Being of Light and Love and Power.  

 I  was  so very happy to be out of this body after dealing with the pain and limitations and collapsings.   The four shining beings around me who were very familiar to me told me that I had to go back into my body and to be here on the planet.  I argued with them.. No way!   I cannot continue to life like this.  If you want me to say something Stephen right there by my body is good at channeling, he can channel me.  I was told that my Soul plan and all I had gone thru had prepared me to Be Present on the planet at this time.  They said it was essential for me to be Here in my Presence on Earth Now.  And then I was re-entering this body.  This does NOT Feel good at all.  

 Being out of my body and then having to come back into it happened another time several months later with 4 energy workers around my dead body being so annoyed at me for not letting them call the paramedics.   I started back into form but it hurt so so so much that I popped back out to the four shining beings blocking my path to go Home.  So I took a deep breath like before jumping into cold water and became corporeal again.    these friends stayed annoyed at me and left me at the empty home I was staying in while one of their relatives was out of town.  I recuperated enough to get my things together in my car and left to go and live out of my car in the woods at various places for the next two years.    Living out of my car in the woods with bears and scary noises and no friends wanting to talk to be because it was too scary to think of me being a woman alone in the woods ~ I came to realize that I needed to find my safe place within me.   This was September of 1995.    

  I stopped writing and got my box containing my journals from the years of being homeless.  The box was way on top shelf in the back.. moving things, balancing stretching moving christmas boxes out of the way catching the edge of the box and pushing and pulling and it finally moves a bit.  ( Oh were is my person or personal assistant :-)  )    I go the box out without falling and opened it to find my journals from 1995 and 1996 into 1997 with the corresponding Mayan DreamSpell calendars.     My first notebook telling of my journey starts with First Night.  It reads rather nicely ~ hmmm ` this is not so bad.  :-)       Now my body has  needs ~  to use my Thumper massager and pain ointment and helpful herbs and heating pad and lying down to rest from this.    And so: the Realization of what may be an obstacle belief in me that could keep me from finding a good place to live that I sat down to share, will wait till another time.  I close with shining Love and smiles to you whoever finds this and actually reads my rambling posts or at least this one.   Thank you.    I do not know if comments can be left here in Tumblr or if it shows how to contact me  - probably things I need to set up somehow..  ( where is that personal assistant or one who loves and adores and cares for and helps me and is in return blessed and loved and adored )    I have done what I could for now and that must be good enough my dear BeLoveds  Eesha Laurel   5,11,'19 @ 1:17 pm.

(this posted to Tumblr same day about 2:00 after finding some art to post above and below )