#SINCE HE ALREADY KNOWS POE'S MOM

[dailyreverie]

Here I am!!! It took a while because I was undecided about which one to ask ehehe 🤭 buuuut this time let's go with Poe and "I need to take a head count" pretty please and thank you? Love you!!!!

Hiii! I always love to get your requests, thank you so much! 🩷 As soon as I got this one my brain went to a day in the sun with Poe (and then it added a spark of trauma but like just a very tiny bit). I hope you like it!

Beneath the sun

Pairing: Poe Dameron x reader

Summer Prompts ‘I need to take a head count"

Word count: 935

CW: Mentions of war-related trauma. Also mentions of Shirtless Poe.

Behind Poe’s sunglasses, you see the furrowed eyebrows and the quick scan around the lake. You wonder then how many times he had done it that day, since his tanned chest, so very much on display, shining with the sun and droplets of water, had been distracting you all day, too much for you to focus on his count-ups. But now, with the sun beginning to set as everyone began to walk back to the ship, when Poe joins your side, you hear the murmur of numbers coming from his voice. “...four, five, six, seven.” He finishes almost in question.

“What are you doing?” You ask softly, lacing your fingers with his.

Poe keeps quiet for a couple of seconds, taking off his sunglasses to let you see the movement of his eyes scanning around, “I need to take a head count,” he admits, as if it were a normal thing to do. Because, for him, it was a normal thing to do.

It was his usual thing. Poe used to count the pairs of wings that flew back to base after a mission, the number of helmets placed back for cleaning, how many blasters were submitted for inspection… how many of his friends came back. It stuck to him, you suppose, as it had become second nature for Poe to take care of everyone around him; even now, when everyone had been enjoying the warm day by chilling by the lake, splashing in the water, basking in the sun, when his laugh had been loud and untamed as he let himself relax for a day; even now, when no more threats are lurking around the stars.

You meet his eyes when you step in front of him, your hand slowly making its way up his arm, tracing the path of his collarbones to find a spot on his still bare chest, now a lovely golden color thanks to the sun that shone on his skin all day. There are many things you could say to him, about how he doesn’t have to keep doing that, that there’s no need to worry anymore, that everyone is going back safe and sound, but you know Poe better than that. It isn’t worry what makes him do it, but force of habit after years of doing so. Unable to suppress your smile, you stretch your neck and place a soft kiss on his jaw, your hand feeling the beat of his big heart meanwhile.

“Who’s missing? It was eight of us on the way here.” You know that, since you were also there for the first head count. “Are you counting yourself?”

“Who do you think I am? Of course, I already count myself.” He takes that as an insult, making you roll your eyes lovingly when he pinches your hip softly.

“Alright, General,” you mock him, “why don’t you ask someone then?”

“No way, every time I ask them to number themselves or to keep track of each other, they call me names and make fun of me,” Poe admits with a lovely red painting up his neck, one that doesn’t come from the sun. He laughs, too, and that’s how you know he’s aware of this habit of his that he’s not quite in control of. You don’t blame him, not one bit. “Finn called me 'dad' last time.”

The sound of his shy laugh makes you join him. “Well, he better not call me anything stupid, then,” With a quick kiss to his cheek, you take a couple of steps to the front and clap your hands.

“What are you-”

“Alright, people, who left the group?” You exclaim to your scattered group, who all groan at your question.

“Not you, too.” Rose shakes her head, but still, takes a look around the place.

“It was eight of us here, I’m just making sure we are all here before we leave.”

“Are you our mom, now?” Finn adds, and as funny as that concept could be, you only glare at him, making the rest of the pilots who joined your day-trip swallow their comments and turn around. With just the look in your eyes, Finn immediately regrets his joke and says a quick apology.

“Rey went to the bathroom,” Rose confirms, stepping onto the ramp to enter the ship with everyone behind her.

Everyone except Poe and you, who linger by the bottom of the ramp. He stopped you by holding your hand, pulling you towards him to circle your waist once everyone was out of sight. 

“Thank you,” His thank comes with a slow kiss, one to let you know how much he appreciates your help. His voice is barely a whisper when he keeps on, “And sorry for being a pain in the ass.”

“Hey,” You frown, pushing back the rogue curls that couldn’t be settled after a day in the water. Your hand rests on his neck, feeling the sun-kissed skin there as you pull him in for a quick kiss. “You are not a pain in the ass.”

Poe looks at you unconvinced, but smiles anyway when you kiss him again. You don’t say anything more, but you know from the look in his eyes that he understands, that he knows what you know about his still-cloudy head. You don’t mind, and he sees that, too.

One day, you’ll look back on the torturous days of fighting as a distant memory. For now, though, you both hold each other as you know that, right now, maybe the fog of it will linger for a little bit longer, even during sunny days.

🚀✨🚀✨🚀✨🚀✨🚀✨🚀✨🚀✨

Thanks for reading! Please reblog and comment if you enjoyed it.

[creepycranberry]

…and dipped in folly…

Bob Reynolds x single mom! Reader

Warnings: abuse, pregnancy loss, addiction, angst, not proofread

A/N: so here’s another bob x childhood friend thing, this is only part two (I think). Yes the title is part of an Edgar Allen Poe quote. Hope you enjoy!

Series master list here

—————————————————————————————————————

“I just don’t understand why you’re giving him another chance? He’s a drug addict with a moo-“

“Choose your next words carefully Shane, otherwise I’ll take your stash and your beer and we’ll see how well you function without it.” You bite, fixing Lettie’s lunch for him as she threw a fit this morning because she ‘likes how mama makes it better’.

“Are you sure you’re not just letting your fixer complex do all of the talking?” He whisper shouts.

“No, I’m not. Because I’m not trying to save him or fix him or change him. He did the saving and the fixing himself. I get to want closure with him. Whether that’s for him or for myself.” You say, cutting the crusts off of a sandwich.

“But do you have to get that closure around our daughter?” Shane’s tone is condescending. He always did this, treated you like you had no idea what you were doing when he couldn’t make a simple school lunch.

“I don’t know, do you have to buy your edibles around our daughter? I have a much better track record than you Shane and I am doing you a favor by not telling your mother about your little escapade,” you hold the knife in front of you so he can’t get any closer. He got snippy with you when he didn’t smoke before seeing you. You didn’t understand why as he was fine being sober around Lettie, “and if you keep acting like I’m the incompetent one here I don’t know if I’ll continue being so nice.”

“What are you Implying?” His voice is low, the already hushed conversation gaining tension slowly.

“I’m not implying anything.” You say, opening a packet of fruit snacks and putting them into a compartment on her lunchbox, “but you’re going to trust me and you’re going to give Bob a chance. It’s not like I’m telling you that I’m going to run away and fuck and marry him.”

“You sure about that?”

“What do you mean, Shane?” You ask, exhausted.

“I mean you look at him like- you never looked at me like that, is all I’m saying. And I know our relationship wasn’t the best, but I like to think somewhere in there you loved me. and I want him to turn out to be better for you, you know that. But I don’t want him hurting you.” Shane’s softer now, light brown hair falling into his eyes as he goes to the fridge and grabs the strawberries for you.

“Shane, I've known him since I was fifteen. I’m always going to love him kinda sorta a little bit. But whether that becomes something now or not, I need you to trust that I wouldn’t have anything to do with him and I wouldn’t let him have prolonged exposure to our daughter if I thought he was anything now like he was then.”

“So you think you might love him again?” Shane smiles.

You squint your eyes at him for a moment before avoiding his gaze, cutting the tops off of the strawberries, “I don’t know where you’d get that idea.”

“You literally just said it could become something.” He points out, putting the strawberries away.

“I- that was hypothetical.”

“Sure.” The tensions gone now, it’s just you and your friend talking, “if it did turn to something more, I trust that it wouldn’t if he was still an asshole, if he was still using. And for your sake I hope that if you want it to, something comes of it.”

“Thanks, Shane.”

“Anytime.” He sighs, “I am eternally benevolent due to the fact that I am indebted to you for the whole-“

“Daddy! I needa dry off!” A little voice shrieks from down the hall.

“That. I’m indebted to you for that.”

———————

Bob and Yelena had walked through the petting zoo at the fair four times. Yelena kept coming back to the goats and Bob was perfectly content to watch her babble about how adorable she found them to be. He shelled out like ten bucks worth of quarters so she could feed them pellets.

He liked the Ferris wheel, he made yelena go on it with him three times but she got bored after the second time.

“Just one more time, please?”

“Bob, it's a big circle, it’s boring.” Yelena groans.

“Just because it’s not dropping out out of the air doesn’t mean-“

“SpongeBob! Lena!” A little voice screeches from some distance away. They both turn to see Lettie attempting to fall out of her dads arms while you laugh at him.

“Lettie!” Yelena calls back.

Once the little girl is close enough she launches herself at Yelena who is surprisingly prepared for it, a bubbly laugh escaping her.

“Mama won't go on the bumper cars with me and daddy but I have to be in daddy’s lap ‘cause I’m not tall enough.” The little girl complains, already considering Yelena the patron saint of helping her get her way.

“Well that is just so unfair, huh?” Yelena responds and Lettie nods, fake pouting.

You and Bob exchange a knowing look that turns into Shane leaning over to Bob to mumble, “what she’s failing to mention is that we just made mom throw up after one of the spinny rides.”

“That checks out.” Bob mumbles back.

You had asked Shane to give Bob a chance and Shane, hating to disappoint, agreed.

“Well how about me and you and your dad can do bumper cars while mama goes on the Ferris wheel with Bob!” Lettie agrees with a cheer before wiggling out of yelena's grasp and bounding away from the group, Shane chasing after her while Yelena follows behind.

Yelena knows what she’s doing. Bob had told her about his second chance so naturally Yelena was milking that second chance for all it was worth.

You’d seen each other an alarming amount in the week Yelena decided she wanted to stay when she figured out that the fair goes over multiple weekends here.

The first fair day had been fun, they had gone to the petting zoo six times and rode all of the rides until Bob was nauseous and Yelena was itching for more.

And then on the day they were meant to be leaving you ran into the both of them while grocery shopping and mentioned that Lettie would be going with her dad and you the next weekend. So Yelena insisted on staying so they could go with you and Lettie.

“She’s got a lot of energy.” Bob says to you now as you both step in line.

“Always.” You sigh, leaning against him to close your eyes for a moment.

“You okay?” He asks you softly.

“Maybe? I don’t know I just puked, my breath-“

Bob offers you a stick of gum before you can even finish your sentence and you smile, thanking him.

“You look nice.” He smiles, hand moving to toy with the fabric of your sleeve.

You were wearing a summer dress that fell at your knees, the sleeves falling loosely around your wrists, “Lettie picked out my outfit. She’s quite fashion forward.”

“I can tell. The tutu and colorful hair clip extensions are bold, for sure.” Bob nods, helping you into the seat of the ride cart.

“She’s definitely got her own style.” Bob sits beside you leaning slightly on the bar in front of him.

“Yeah. How’re you doing? Are you enjoying the fair?” You ask, bumping his shoulder.

“I like the Ferris wheel,” he smiles, “I smell like goats though, courtesy of Yelena.”

“Me and Shane have been avoiding taking Lettie over there for fear of a melt down when we have to leave.”

You look happy. Tired, but happy.

“Maybe she can take Yelena to the petting zoo. Two birds with one stone.”

“I’m sure she’d enjoy that immensely.” You grin.

The way you look at him damn near makes him malfunction, “she’ll be okay. We were some pretty weird kids and we didn’t turn out terrible.”

“Yes, the single mother with a dead end job and the recovered addict superhero. An inspirational tale for the ages.” You quip and Bob nods.

“That’s fair.”

“And also, I wasn’t that weird.” You insist and Bob smiles, “what? I wasn’t!”

“You were homeschooled until middle school. When I met you you exclusively wore either those overall dress things or like sweaters and old man slacks, and you never stopped humming. And the songs you would hum were morbid or just plain sad.” He points out, an easy smile playing on his lips as he leaned back against his seat.

“What’s wrong with slacks?”

Bob laughs, “that’s all you got out of that?”

Your cheeks turn bright pink and you fix a glare on him, “okay well when I met you you read the same three books over and over and you were scared of my grandparents' chickens.”

“It was the geese, not the chickens.”

“It was the rooster and the geese.” You correct.

“That’s still not the chickens.” He argues and he admires the way your lips press together when you’re trying not to find him funny.

“Do you have superpowers?” You ask him after a minute of silence, “Lettie wants to know.”

“That's a uh- a loaded question.” He stutters, scratching the back of his head, “kinda?”

“Kinda?” You inquire, eyes tracing the lines of his side profile.

“I sometimes have superpowers but most of the time I’m just… me.” he mumbles, fiddling with the hem of his sleeve.

Quiet settles over you as you reach the top of the Ferris wheel and a cool breeze blows your hair into your face and brings a kind of piece to your face, “I like just you.” Bobs face lights up like a Christmas tree, “don’t tell Lettie about your superpowers though, she most definitely will use them for evil.”

“Noted.” He mumbles. The conversation tapers off to silence and you lean against him, shoulder to shoulder.

—————————

When the both of you get back to Lettie she has a huge unicorn plushie held above her head that is twice her size.

“I won it for her by killing clowns.” Yelena says, a pleased smile on her face.

“Hitting clowns.” Shane corrects and Yelena nods.

“Yes, I hit clowns.” She says with enough seriousness to have you trying your hardest not to laugh. Bob catches your eye with an amused smile.

“SpongeBob!” Lettie’s tiny demanding voice pipes up, clearly unhappy with the amount of time the attention has been off of her.

“Yes, Miss Lettie?” Bob asks, giving her his full attention.

“You hold Herbert.” She orders, shoving the massive unicorn into his arms.

“Herbert?” You ask and Lettie nods, face the picture of solemnity.

“Yes, mama. Herbert.” You and Shane exchange a look and Shane shrugs, “can we go to the petting zoo now?”

“Oh yes! Please please please please?” Yelena pleads with Bob.

“Yelena, would you like to take Lettie to the petting zoo?” Yelenas eyes light up and Lettie cheers.

“Can SpongeBob come too?” Lettie asks.

“I don’t know if-“ you start.

“Yeah, I don’t think-“ Shane interrupts.

“Wait, why don’t you…?” You start.

“Well just what we talked about…”

“What about it?”

“No it’s nothing I just think- maybe we should-“ Shane gestures vaguely.

“Okay uh, Bob,” you take out your wallet and hand him some cash, “can you grab me a pretzel please? Yelena, Lettie, go ahead and go to the petting zoo, here’s-“

Yelena holds her hand up, “Bob gave me like ten more quarters.”

“Okay, just don’t let her run off too far, she thinks it’s funny to hide where we can’t find her.”

“Can’t be worse than when Bob sleepwalks.” Yelena shrugs, grabbing Lettie’s hand and walking in the direction of the petting zoo. Bob hands Herbert off to Shane and heads for the pretzel stand.

You and Shane sit at a picnic table a couple dozen feet away from the pretzel stand, “why don’t you want him around Lettie, I thought we talked about this?”

“It’s not that I don’t want him around Lettie, I just want you to get to know him a little better first. I know you and when it comes to Lettie you’re gonna prioritize her relationship with him over yours and I need you to know him better before you do that. I’m okay with her kind of getting to know him but you have to first.” Shane is talking quickly, like he’s scared you’re going to interrupt.

“So what, you just want me to keep him away from the rest of the group?”

“No, no not at all. I think, you’ve spent the day with me and Lettie and you’ve already puked and I know you’re tired because you probably haven’t slept very well this past week so I was thinking maybe you and Bob head out, I’ll get some one on one time with Lettie-“

“Plus Lena.” You remind him.

“Yes of course.” Shane says, like it’s a given, “go have fun with your friend.”

“What would we even do?” You ask him, leaning on your hand and closing your eyes for a minute.

“What did you do as teenagers?”

You let him sit with the question for a minute before laughing a little, “uh, smoke cigarettes and sneak beer and watch cartoons and ma- and other things.”

Shane hides his face in his hands and laughs a little, “then do whatever the grown up version of that is.”

“Are you sure, Shane? I mean Lettie-“

“Will be fine. I- I’m apprehensive about all of this, and I know that everything will take time, but I need to know that if I trust you to have him around Lettie that you trust him generally. If the both of you is going to work-“

“Going to work, how? What do you mean both of us?” You ask, very confused.

“I mean that I want you to have him in whatever way you want,” Shane says quickly, backpedaling, “and I think that in order for that to happen in a way everyone is comfortable with, you have to know him first. A decade changes a lot and you can’t just jump into a friendship with him like that, you know that. Re-get to know him, then let him get closer to Lettie.”

“You’re sure Lettie won’t mind?”

“I think she might decide to go live with Yelena either way,” he jokes and you narrow your eyes at him, “yes, I am sure.”

Bob approaches you with a big pretzel and the same ten dollar bill you handed him earlier, “here ya go.” He mutters, handing you the pretzels and your money.

“You didn’t have to pay for it-“

“I don't mind.” He shrugs, hands finding their place in his pockets.

Shane clears his throat and you give him this desperate look, but he doesn’t, he just gestures to Bob and when you look back to Bob his face is the picture of fond confusion.

“Would you want to hang out with me?” You ask him.

“Like now?” Bob asks, hands still in his pockets, weight shifting from foot to foot.

“Yeah. We can go on the Ferris wheel a dozen times or-“

“Or leave the fair.” Shane cuts in.

“Do you wanna hang out at mine and Lena’s AirBnB?” Bob asks and you look at Shane one more time. Shane nods.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

————————

The living room of Bob's place is quaint, it reminded you of your great grandmother's house.

You and Bob have been stretched out on his couch for ten minutes in absolute silence. It was nice, the noise of the fair was far away, the only sound between you was your breathing.

“So is Lettie short for something?” He asks, his head perking up.

“What?”

“Just wondering, she said it the other day like it was her full name but it sounds like a nickname. It’s cute either way.” He shrugs.

“It’s short for Colette.” You respond, “I was crabby when I was pregnant, I was so unbelievably mean to Shane the whole time and when I was just about to give birth I was being pissy and he got mad and left the house for a while, left his phone at home. I hated it when he did that and he knew that but he did it anyway.”

“Jackass.” Bob mumbles, “once again I am one to talk but I do stand by the fact that that is an asshole move.”

You laugh and nod, “my water broke an hour after he left and I couldn’t call him. So I drove myself to the hospital. I didn’t call anyone to come with me. Me and Shane hadn’t figured out a name and I liked the name Colette but he hated it. But I had to give birth alone so damn whatever he wanted. I named her Colette Mae and when he suggested we change it I told him to fuck off.”

“That was the correct response,” Bob smiles, and after a minute, “and I like her name. I like Lettie as a nickname too. It fits her, she fits you.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

He breathes in and then exhales, “you’re amazing. You did amazing.”

His voice is quiet, his tone hesitant. He says it with a sort of esteem that’s usually reserved for the remarkable.

“I did what I could, what I had to. I don’t really think that’s all that impressive.” You sit up, eyes fixed upon him like you hate him for even suggesting you are anything other than what you see yourself to be.

“I couldn’t have done it.” He states simply, “I could barely exist properly without a crutch.”

“Yes but you had other issues. It’s not like your life was perfect and then you decided to become a drug addict.”

“No. It’s worse. Someone made my life miserable and then I used that as a reason to make yours miserable.” His voice is soft and completely void of self pity,

“You weren’t in control.”

“Yeah that… doesn’t help.” His tone drops noticeably.

“Sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be the one saying that.” He mumbles.

“But I am.”

“You always are.” His face is the picture of solemnity. Like he’s standing at trial with a confession, “you are impressive, you are remarkable, you are an angel for ever putting up with me and now for giving me another chance.”

He's so insistent about that that you can’t help but wish you could believe it.

“You are too. Impressive, remarkable, all of that. Incredibly strong too, not just physically.” You say, smiling and reaching over to poke at his biceps. He shakes his head, resigning himself to your disbelief in his words.

“Yeah, yeah. Superpowers.” He grins, pretend flexing to make you smile, “are you hungry?”

“Kind of, what do you wanna grab?” You ask.

“I was just gonna cook som-“

“You, cook?” You laugh and he gives you a look, narrowed eyes and feigned offense, you laugh louder, “I’m sorry, it’s been a long time I’m sure you’ve learned how to cook by now. Despite your previously failed escapades.”

“I’m actually a pretty cook now. I cook dinner for the team a lot. Me or John, we kind of switch off weeks.”

“Like coparents?” You grin and he shakes his head.

“Yes, every other Sunday me and John switch off cooking responsibilities.” He rolls his eyes, standing up and heading into the kitchen to check the fridge and cabinets.

“So you guys do family dinners every Sunday?” You ask, getting up and following him into the kitchen.

“Every Sunday they’re not all on missions, yeah. Team bonding and all.” He shrugs, moving to a different cabinet and clicking his tongue, “but we might have to take a trip to the store.”

“Well then we might as well just pick something up.” You say, leaning back against the counter.

“Nope, I have to prove myself to you now.” He insists, grabbing his keys off the counter and tossing them to you.

“Naturally.” You scoff, grabbing his wallet off the coffee table as he holds out your purse for you.

You drive to the store and he tells you about the book he’s been reading. It’s a book on child psychology, it has essays about nature vs nurture and chapters on how the human brain evolves over childhood and what damage does to it.

When you get to the store you just follow him around with a basket. For a moment you feel 18 again. You’d bought a new apartment and it was just you two and he had been a drug addict for a while but he hadn’t gotten to anything harder yet. It wasn’t until about five months later that he tried Coke for the first time at a stupid house party you spent the rest of your time together cursing.

But for the first few months it was nice, domestic. You laughed a lot, the most you ever had until Lettie was born.

You would cook and Bob would get home just about the time you finished making dinner. You would eat together while watching full house reruns and then he would do the dishes while you showered. You weren’t technically together yet but you both slept in the same bed, so you got ready for bed together. You brushed your teeth side by side every day and something about that small part of your day felt so special to you.

Every now and then Bob turns to put something in the basket and he smiles at you. Not a big grand smile with teeth and a laugh hidden behind it, it’s also not a small smile that’s hiding behind itself.

It’s a perfectly balanced unrehearsed smile, like its impulse, like he can’t help it. And you smile back at him, just happy to have his eyes on you again, drinking in the way he looks when he realizes it’s you, that you’re still there behind him.

The same thing happens when you get back to his place and begin cooking. You sit on the counter and watch him mill around the kitchen and every time he turns around to start looking for what he’s doing next he stops and smiles at you. Every now and then he stops and steps towards you a little.

If you were eighteen and in your apartment again you would reach up and cup his face, ask him if everything was going well and he would place his hands on either side of your thighs and smile and nod his head even though most likely he would have no idea what he’s doing.

But now you both just let the ghost of that reality wash over you, he knows what he would do were this that short time in your lives years ago.

The both of you sit on the couch and eat. Bob made lasagna and garlic bread and, kind of randomly, mashed potatoes.

“With the garlic and the cheese and some of the skin mashed into it the way that you like.” He’d said.

And then you’re here now. You feel like you’re almost in your thirties and you have a kid and you’ve not seen this man since you were a kid, basically.

But it doesn’t feel foreign or awkward or uncomfortable. It feels good, like this is how it always has been and how it was always meant to be.

—————————————————————————————————————

Tag list: @yagurlannastasia

[alltheirdamn]

Killing Me Softly | (Joel x teacher!f!reader)

Chap. 5 Nevermore

Chp. 5 Summary: It's hard to understand why everything feels so right. Rating: 18+ Explicit MDNI Word Count: 5.5k Warnings: Pre-outbreak AU, language, heavy kissing, unprotected piv sex, semi-rough sex, creampie, praise kink, (kinda) size kink, aftercare, fluff and a LOT of angst, light banter, lots of emotions, mentions of past trauma, brief flashback of trauma, another cliffhanger (sorry) A/N: Well, if you're here, I hope you're prepared for what's coming. A HUGE shoutout to @loonmartell for helping co-conspire the trajectory of this story. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it as always <3

Masterlist | Ko-fi

I think he’s already falling in love with you. I think he’s already falling in love with you. I think he’s already falling in love with you. I think he’s already falling in—

“Miss Smith?” 

Your head jerked up at the sound, and the pencil you were drawing circles with fell against your desk. Bradley, one of your students, was standing at the edge of your desk with his test in hand.

“Sorry about that, sweetie,” you smiled, extending a hand. “Thank you.”

Bradley eyed you curiously before turning and skipping back to his desk. You dragged a hand over your face, wanting to crawl into the furthest corner of the world and never be seen again. Beth’s words had been plaguing you for days since you called her. Over and over again, they annihilated your thoughts, a constant broken record that you couldn’t shut off. You still had your nightly calls with Joel, talking past midnight and falling asleep together, but you kept making excuses not to see him. 

“I’ve got lesson plans to make,” you lied.

“I’ll help,” Joel had offered.

“You’re a distraction.”

“I ain’t that bad,” he huffed.

The next night, you lied and said you were going out with Maria, which was an even worse lie since you were avoiding her at all costs. Telling Beth the news was one thing, but telling Maria was another matter. She was nosey and a bit too loud-mouthed to trust. The last thing you wanted was for the entire faculty to know your dirty secrets. Joel had to remain a secret—at least for now.

It’s not like you wanted to avoid Joel; you were just scared. You were not ready for this new territory, and if Beth was anywhere near correct in her assumptions, it only made you want to shy away more. The only problem was parent-teacher conferences this week, meaning you’d have to see Joel and Sarah…together.

The class bell rang, and your free period between classes began. You dropped your head on the desk and took a few deep breaths, trying to wrangle some semblance of calm back into your body. The final class of the day would be Sarah’s, and you’d be lying if you said you were prepared to see her. The blaring reminder that her dad had fucked you sore over the weekend still hung over your head, and you couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty for it. How was your fall break, Sarah? Oh yeah, mine was great. Your dad fucked me so hard I ended up having a complete breakdown. 

Fuck. 

You wanted the day to be over. 

The free period went by much faster than you wanted, and as you watched the next slew of kids take their seats, you made a conscious effort not to stare at Sarah as she walked in. She wore her usual smile, the impression of her dimples digging into her cheeks. Some wild thought popped into your head that you had no time to recover from: if you and Joel went any further, God help you, you’d be Sarah’s step-mom one day. Your stomach rolled with nausea as you tried to will those thoughts away. Joel wouldn’t stick around that long; you were a lost cause. There was no chance that would happen. Right? 

Clearing your throat, you rose from your desk and made your way over to the projector to set up the lesson for the day. Since the school year was nearing Halloween, you decided it would be fun to teach Edgar Allen Poe, completely forgetting you had chosen “The Raven”—which was about losing someone. This would have a bite to it that you weren’t ready for.

“Okay, everyone,” you announced. “Did we all finish the reading assignment this week?”

There were a few nods and murmurs of agreement, and you quickly shifted to the first few slides of your presentation. 

“Alright, so who can tell me the overall theme for Poe’s ‘The Raven’?”

Georgia, one of your top students, shot her hand up without a beat.

“Yes, Georgia?”

“It’s about his grief for losing Lenore,” she answered.

“Good,” you smiled. “Can anyone tell me what other theme the poem contains?”

“Madness!” Another student chimed in, causing an uproar of laughter amongst the students.

“Okay, okay, settle down. Very good, you guys.”

You switched to the next slide, staring blankly at the words typed out. Lenore is gone forever. Something struck you as you silently read it, realizing you weren’t too far off from Poe in his grief. Although Bennett wasn’t dead, he wasn’t coming back. That fact hadn’t hurt as deeply throughout the last few weeks, especially with Joel around, but it still threw salt in the open wounds still scattered over your heart. 

“In stanza two,” you cleared your throat. “In stanza two, Poe refers to Lenore as ‘nameless,’ which can imply that she has died, and he’s now consumed with grief. Where else did you guys find his grief prominent?”

Georgia quickly raised her hand again, and you motioned for her to speak. 

“In stanza four, he talks about his dreams, which I think he means he’s dreaming of her to return to him. But if she’s dead, there’s no way she’s going to come back,” Georgia said.

Fuck. You felt the sting of tears rim your eyes and briefly paused to gather your bearings. Bennett left. He left, and you had spent years dreaming he would return. 

“Good,” you choked out.

You glanced around the room, your eyes connecting with Sarah’s. It took all your strength not to break down and cry as she studied you with the same concerned furrow in her brows as her dad would do. 

Clicking to the next slide, you exhaled, focusing on the following theme to discuss. Madness. 

“Now, with the theme of madness, where do we see this begin? Obviously, the dreams can be interpreted as his descent into madness, but what else do we find?” You asked. 

To your detriment, Sarah was the one to raise her hand.

“Sarah,” you sighed, nodding.

“It’s the raven,” she said plainly. “The raven is what drives him mad.”

“What does he do to drive Poe mad?” You questioned.

“The raven only says one word,” she explained. “And that word drives him mad until the end of the poem.

“And why does it drive him mad?”

Sarah shifted in her seat, looking around at her classmates before responding.

“Because it’s the answer Poe doesn’t want to hear. Poe doesn’t want to be reminded that Lenore is dead, but that’s the only response the raven will give.”

You were swaying in place, trying to hold yourself together as the memories started ricocheting back into your mind. Now wasn’t the time to collapse, not in front of twenty students staring at you, confused and concerned. You only responded with a nod and flipped the projector off.

“Good job, you guys. Now, does anyone have any questions on this unit? Any questions about the stanza format or the themes?”

Sarah raised her hand again.

“Did his madness kill him?” She asked.

“Who?”

“Poe.”

“Oh, um, no. Well, it’s a mystery, really. Some people say he died of delirium, so, I guess, madness. But other people speculate he drank himself to death.”

The class grew morbidly quiet, which made it harder for you to continue. No one else spoke up after Sarah, so you resorted to handing out the quiz and sinking back into your desk chair.

One by one, the students came up to turn in their quiz, and you averted your gaze each time with a nonchalant ‘thank you.’ When the final bell finally sounded through the room, you hardly had the energy to wave goodbye. 

Sarah was the last to leave, and that same concerned look lingered on her face as she shuffled out. 

That night, you didn’t pick up the phone when Joel called. You stared as it rang repeatedly, watching the light fade from the screen when the ringing stopped. You buried your head under the covers and tried to sleep, but then the nightmares started.

You woke up to your alarm, hyperventilating and drenched in sweat. Squinting at the morning sun streaming through the blinds, you grabbed your phone to check the time. Your fingers froze as you read the screen.

Seven missed calls from Joel

Two voicemails from Joel

With shaky fingers, you pressed play on the first voicemail.

“Hey baby, it’s me. I just wanna make sure you’re okay. I’m hopin’ you’re just asleep, but if you’re up, please call me.”

Then you played the next.

“Baby, it’s me again. I miss you, and I’m worried ‘bout you. Please don’t shut me out, okay? I just wanna hear your voice and hear ‘bout your day. If you don’t wanna talk, that's okay. I understand. Just please lemme know you’re alright. I’ll drive my ass out to you if I need to just to make sure you’re okay. Call me when you get this. G’night, baby.”

You dug your knuckles into your eyes to try and force the tears back. Last night, you had the worst of the nightmares: the memory of something you tried to forget. You hadn’t touched that memory in so long. It was just the brutal realization you were truly at fault for everything with Bennett. No matter how badly you wanted to blame him, it was always your fault. 

Glancing back at your phone, you rechecked the time: 7:35. Fuck, you were running late, and you really didn’t want to call Joel back right now. At least not right now. You’d muster the energy and strength to do it later, but you needed to gather yourself and get ready for work right now. Tossing off the sweat-slick sheets, you rushed into the bathroom and quickly showered. You couldn’t bother to put makeup on, so you opted to go without it and found a simple dress to wear. It was still in the high eighties in Austin, and a dress was the easiest option for the day. 

Scrambling for your purse and keys, you ran to the garage to start your car and head to the school. 

It wasn’t until you pulled into your parking spot that you realized you left your phone on the nightstand. 

“Okay, what’s going on?” Maria questioned, sipping her lukewarm coffee. 

She had nagged you into spending your free period in her classroom, demanding that you tell her everything that you had been withholding. You sat on the edge of her desk, your dress flowing over your knees as you stared out her class windows. 

“Nothing, Maria,” you lied. 

She said your name sternly, forcing your eyes to snap to hers. Her usual chipper demeanor was replaced with that ‘mother’ look, her lips pursed and eyes narrowed. 

“Something is going on,” she pressed. “Could have something to do with Mr. Miller?”

“Maybe,” you mumbled, fidgeting with the hem of your dress. 

“You did it, huh?” She raised a brow. 

You exhaled heavily, nodding your head—no point in lying now. 

“We talked on the phone the entire break, and when I got home, he insisted on taking me on a date. Then one thing led to another… and yeah, we had sex.”

Maria squealed, clapping her hands and grinning wide. You stared at her blankly, unamused by her reaction to your words. 

“This isn’t a good thing, Maria,” you said pointedly. 

“Why wouldn’t it be? You’re finally putting yourself out there! Oh my god, was it good?” 

“It was,” you sighed. “It was good—really good. He’s so sweet and caring.”

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ in there somewhere,” she interjected. 

“But I can’t let it go any further,” you finished. 

Maria leaned forward and placed her hand on your knee. 

“Does he make you happy?” She asked softly. 

“So fucking happy, Maria. I hate it.”

“You deserve to be happy, sweetie. That’s all I’ve been saying for years, and now you have it! Don’t force it to fail before it even begins. I saw the way he looked at you at the father-daughter dance. You can’t fake that.”

“I know. I know. I just—ugh,” you slid off the desk with a groan. “He’s too good for me. I’m still trying to get over Bennett and everything that happened. He doesn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of all my misery. That’s not fair to him.” 

You were pacing around the room, your eyes darting between the science posters hanging along the walls of Maria’s classroom. You heard her desk chair scrape against the floor as she approached you. She gripped you by the shoulders and leveled you with a heavy stare, but her eyes remained soft. 

“He’s still around, right? I don’t think he’s going anywhere, sweetie. If anything, I think he’s in it for the long haul.”

You didn’t know how to respond, so you leaned into her, letting her wrap you up in a motherly embrace. She rubbed circles against your back, hushing you as you wept quietly. 

The rest of the day passed by in a numbing blur. You packed your things quietly and headed to your car, ready to drown yourself in a glass of wine. 

Joel’s truck was parked in front of your house as you turned the corner onto your street. His tall figure was leaning against the driver’s door; his eyes focused on your car as you pulled into the driveway. You inhaled sharply before putting your car in park, mentally preparing yourself for whatever anger he might unleash. 

You barely shut the car door before Joel had his arms around you, tugging you into a warm embrace. You couldn’t make sense of it; why wasn’t he mad? He should be angry at you. 

“Joel?” you whispered, your fingers twisting into his shirt. He smelt of cedarwood and smoke, the lingering scent of the workday still on his clothes. 

“I was so fuckin’ worried ‘bout you,” he muttered into your hair. “Been tryin’ to get ahold of you all day.”

“I left my phone at home this morning,” you explained. “I listened to your voicemails from last night. I’m sorry I didn’t call back. I was just running late this morning.”

“Why didn’t you pick up last night?’ He asked, pulling away. 

“I needed some space. I’m just trying to figure this all out. I want you—I want this. I just don’t know how to be fully vulnerable. I know that’s silly to say since I’ve cried every time I’ve seen you.” You laughed at the thought of it.

“You coulda just told me that, baby. I would’ve understood,” Joel sighed. 

“You’re not mad at me?” 

“Of course not,” he smiled softly. “Had me worryin’ like crazy, but I ain’t mad. I know this is all new, and you’re scared. Just don’t shut me out, ‘kay? I wanna talk to you and understand what’s goin’ on with you. I told you I wanna work on it with you.”

“I’m s—.”

Joel was pressing his lips against yours before you could say those two words. The kiss was all-consuming and tender, strong enough to erase every thought in your mind. Your mouths moved in unison, tongues intertwined and exploring. It was dizzying to be kissed this fervently; the first kiss couldn’t hold a torch to this moment. You tangled your fingers into the curls at the base of his neck, slanting your lips to open yourself even more to him. Joel’s hands twisted into the fabric of your dress that hugged your hips and pulled you tighter against his body. You whimpered at the feeling of his cock straining in his jeans, and he hauled you upwards until you were wrapping your legs around his waist. 

Spinning you around, he pinned you to the metal of your car door, breaking away from your mouth to kiss down your neck. Was it possible to be branded by a dozen kisses? He left a trail of sweltering kisses over every exposed part of your upper body, and all you could do was pant and moan helplessly. To hell with the neighborhood and their lingering eyes; the world around you could collapse, and you’d still be clinging to his body. 

“I told you I didn’t wanna hear those apologies,” Joel muttered against the hollow of your neck. 

“What are you gonna do about it, Joel?” You moaned, his teeth grazing your collarbone. 

“All I want right now is to hear you screamin’ my name, so you better invite me inside before I fuck you right here.”

“Jesus Christ,” you whispered.

“Wrong name, baby.”

With one strong arm braced around your back and a firm hand on your ass, Joel carried you out of the driveway and through the open garage. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pressing open-mouthed kisses against the bare patches in his beard. Joel stumbled into the living room and sat you on the edge of the couch. You clung to him, refusing to lay back, too afraid to disconnect from his body. There was something so addicting, so right about being in his arms—almost familiar. 

“Y’look so beautiful in this dress, baby,” Joel breathed. “Turn around.”

You unattached yourself from him, spinning until your thighs pushed against the leather of the couch. Joel’s hands roamed over your calves, dragging your dress up until it piled against your lower back. You gasped as his fingers tore apart your underwear, the scraps falling down your legs and piling at your feet. It was embarrassing how wet you were already, your slick coating your inner thighs. 

“Joel,” you whined as he swiped a finger through your wet folds.

“Use your words,” he hummed, slowly pushing in two fingers.

“I need you, Joel.” He curled his fingers against the spot that left you breathless, coaxing you to speak more. “Need it rough—please.” 

You needed to feel how bad he needed you; you needed to show him you wanted him, even if it meant doing it without saying it aloud.

“Y’want it rough, baby? I can do that. If it’s too much, you tell me, okay?”

“Okay,” you exhaled. 

Joel pulled his fingers from you, bringing them to your mouth and smearing your arousal over your parted lips. You hummed as you tasted yourself, pushing your ass back into him. You heard the clang of his belt and the soft sound of his jeans hitting the floor before he swiped his cock across your slick entrance.

“Don’t be gentle,” you moaned.

“Anythin’ you want, baby.”

That was all he said before splitting you open, the fullness of his cock inside you robbing you of all the breath in your lungs. Joel kept his hips flush with yours, his fingertips drifting down the fabric of your dress covering your spine. 

“Joel,” you whined. 

You shifted yourself onto the tips of your toes, nudging yourself back until the tip of his cock rubbed against the right spot inside you. You mewled at the sensation, wiggling your hips to find some sort of relief from the pleasure churning inside your stomach.

“Impatient, baby?” Joel teased.

He moved against you slowly, letting you adjust to his size. You had been in such a haze last time you hadn’t realized how big he actually was, but now you felt every glorious inch of him inside you. You let out another frustrated whimper, and Joel responded with an onslaught of forceful thrusts. Your body shoved further into the couch, your midsection rubbing against the edge every time Joel snapped his hips against yours. 

Joel’s hand snaked around your neck, drawing you back into his chest, the angle of his cock spearing deeper inside you. Your wails turned to sobs as you listened to Joel grunting harder behind you, his fingers squeezing rhythmically around your throat. 

“That’s it, baby,” Joel crooned. “That’s it. Doin’ so well for me.”

You gasped for air as the desire coiling within your core became agonizing and all-consuming. Your fingers wrapped around his hand holding you up, clawing at his skin as his thrusts became erratic and determined. You were teetering on the edge of euphoria, your body buzzing with pleasure. 

“Touch yourself, baby,” Joel whispered into your ear. 

You fought against your dress to find your clit, the instant connection of your fingers causing you to cry out. Joel’s mouth ravaged your neck, sucking marks into the skin as you drew tantalizing circles over the sensitive bud. It was right there— that explosive pleasure bubbling under the surface. 

“Don’t stop,” you begged, your voice strained under his grip. “Don’t—right there. Right there, Joel!”

Joel quickened the pace, your eyes blurring as your orgasm raced through your veins and set your nerves ablaze. Your sex clenched around his cock, forcing him to slow his thrusts as he groaned into your ear. 

“S’fuckin’ good, baby,” he punched out, releasing your neck.

“More,” you heaved. 

“Think y’can take it?” He asked, pinning you down onto the couch cushions.

“Just want you, Joel,” you said. Your words were muffled into the couch as you exhaled, “Want everything with you.” 

You didn’t know if Joel heard you, and you prayed he didn’t. Your brain was lost in some euphoric haze, dizzying you and your ability to control your emotions. Joel knew every part of your body, like the back of his hand. He knew exactly what you needed and what you wanted, and it was so confusing. 

But all your thoughts grew quiet as the lewd sounds of your arousal and his ragged breathing echoed around the house. Joel’s hand pressed into your hair as he pushed you further into the couch. Bent over this way, you were entirely at his mercy, putty in his hands, and helpless. 

“Swear y’were fuckin’ made for me, baby,” Joel grunted. “You’re mine, baby. Mine.”

“Yours,” you cried. “I’m—.”

You couldn’t finish your sentence as Joel seized up, choking out your name as he spilled into you. His body slumped over yours, the weight of his chest heavy against your back. The hammering of his heart matched yours as you both recovered in silence, the house growing quiet aside from your labored breathing. 

“Too rough?” Joel muttered into your hair. 

You shifted your face to the side, rewarded by his lips pressing into your cheek. 

“Perfect,” you sighed. “It was perfect.”

“You weren’t lyin’ when you said you weren’t a fan of vanilla, huh?” Joel chuckled, pulling out of you. 

You slumped further into the couch, laughing softly. 

“I was talking about cake, Joel. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“Sure you were, baby. Stay right there, okay?”

You heard his footsteps disappear toward your bedroom, the distant sound of water turning on and off floating down the hallway. A second later, Joel was behind you again, the cool touch of a towel making you jerk away in shock. He gently rubbed the cloth over your inner thighs, taking extra caution of your sore entrance. You’d feel him everywhere tomorrow, and you didn’t hate that for some reason—you wanted the reminder of him. 

“C’mere,” Joel urged, helping you stand. 

He pulled you over to the couch, curling you into his arms and bracing you against his chest. Joel intertwined his fingers with yours, his breathing evening out as you shimmed further into his embrace. Maybe it was the sex, maybe it was just being around him, but all your doubts and worries seemed to fade away. It was just this moment; you and him with limbs entangled together. 

“Tell me somethin’ no one knows about you,” Joel whispered. 

“Only if you tell me something in return.”

“Of course, baby.”

You paused, considering all the possibilities of what you could share. You had forgotten pieces of yourself over the years, the layers of heartbreak and trauma suffocating the person you once were. You still weren’t sure if that girl you had once been was still inside you. 

“I hate pancakes,” you said.

Joel laughed, his body shaking behind you as you buried your head into the couch. 

“Pancakes? Really?” He teased. 

“I just don’t like them!” You defended. 

“Y’gonna tell me why?”

“I don’t know,” you grumbled. “They’re just too sweet.”

“So y’don’t like sugar in your coffee, and y’think pancakes are too sweet,” Joel mused. “What do you like?”

“Don’t tease me, Joel.”

His fingers prodded your sides, forcing you to shriek at the contact. You hated to be tickled and hated it even more when he kept you pinned to your chest with nowhere to go. You rolled toward him, squirming against his touch. Joel leaned in to kiss you softly, muffling your protests as you settled into his arms. 

“Your turn,” you sighed. 

“Hmm, well, I like pancakes.”

“Be serious, Joel,” you frowned. 

“Okay, okay. I love watchin’ cartoons.”

You giggled, watching that grin stretch across his face. 

“Been watchin’ them with Sarah since she was a kid,” he chuckled. “I still do sometimes, even if she ain’t home.” 

“That’s cute,” you smiled.

You brought your fingers to his face, scratching at the stubble covering his chin and jaw. Joel’s eyes shut as your touch drifted over the patchy spots, your fingertips drawing circles in the places his beard disconnected. 

“Tell me somethin’ else,” he said.

“I think you’re really handsome.”

It was a quick response—almost too fast—but you couldn’t swallow back the words. You glanced up at him, peeking through your lashes to see his brown eyes soften. 

“Handsome, huh?”

“Well, I can’t call you cute,” you scrunched your nose. “It doesn’t fit you. I like handsome more.”

“I like it,” he smiled. “Call me handsome all y’want.”

You dragged him to your mouth, saying everything you couldn’t form into words. Joel moved with you, his head tilting and mouth molding to yours. He made everything feel so simple; maybe that’s what scared you. It was too easy with him—falling into this idyllic routine. Joel mumbled your name, pulling himself reluctantly from your lips. You chased one more kiss and settled back into his chest. 

“Did you know it’s good luck when it rains on your wedding day?” You thought out loud.

Joel tensed up, his arms flexing around you. 

“Superstition says it means your marriage will last,” you continued. “I’ve always thought it was funny, you know? I used to believe in that before my wedding, but after that, I figured everyone had lied to me.”

“Baby,” Joel whispered. 

“No, it’s okay. There’s a point to this, I promise.”

“Tell me,” he urged softly.

“I think the rain was good luck. Maybe not in the way people think, but I don’t think Bennett and I were meant to get married. My sister hated me for going through with it. We didn’t really talk once Bennett and I got engaged. Everyone warned me about him; they told me he wasn’t who I should be with. I was so stubborn to make things work. He—he was there for me during a really awful time in my life. I thought I owed it to him to stay.

“But then here you are, and it makes me re-think everything. The rain? It’s still good luck, just in a different way. I wasn’t meant to be with him because maybe… maybe I was meant to be with you.”

Joel was painfully quiet, his eyebrows furrowing together as he closed his eyes. Oh, fuck. You had rambled out everything you were scared to say, and now it was biting you in the ass. This was why you were too afraid to acknowledge your feelings: the rejection. Joel didn’t see it the same way; he didn’t think of you in the same way, and you just made a complete idiot of yourself. 

“Shit, I’m sorry,” you muttered, trying to pry yourself out of his grip. You kept the tears at bay, trying not to let yourself succumb to the heartbreak shattering inside you. 

Joel’s hands wrangled you back to his chest, his eyes leveling with yours. You inhaled sharply as his fingers brushed away the rogue tears falling down your cheeks. 

“There ain’t a doubt in my mind y’were meant for me, baby. I’m thankin’ God every day for bringin’ you into my life,” Joel confessed. “I know this is all new, but I promise to keep provin’ myself because whatever this is between us, it’s real.”

“It’s real,” you echoed. 

“Don’t run away from me,” Joel pleaded. “Gimmie all the good and bad stuff. I swear I can handle it.”

“What if you get tired of me? What if I’m not enough?” You rambled. 

“I could never get tired of you, baby. If anythin’, I keep wantin’ more.”

You snuggled further into his embrace, inhaling his scent as you pressed your nose into his chest. Joel ran a hand through your hair, his fingers catching on a few knots left from earlier. 

“What’d you mean when you said he was there for you durin’ somethin’ awful?” Joel asked after a beat of silence. 

Flashes of the crash came back into your mind, or at least the ones you could recall. You squeezed your eyes shut as your nightmares began to see the light of day. It was a memory you never liked to revisit.

“Easy,” your mom whispered. “Easy, honey. Don’t move too much, okay? Take it slow.”

Your eyes fluttered open, the harsh lights above you burning into your retinas as you tried to adjust to the room fading into the forefront. You were tucked into a hospital bed, IVs and tubes sticking out of both arms. Your head was pounding, and everything hurt. That’s all you could focus on. Everything hurt so fucking bad.

“Bennett?” You croaked, searching the room. 

Your mom, dad, Beth, and Stella were all grouped around the foot of the bed, their eyes glassy with tears. Bennett was nowhere to be found. Beth’s fear-stricken eyes shifted from your mom to your dad before she bolted from the room.

“I’m going to go get the doctor,” your mom announced, turning and leaving the room.

Stella shifted uncomfortably and promptly followed, leaving your dad alone at the foot of your bed.

“How’re you feeling, peanut?” He asked, rounding to the side of your bed.

“Pain,” you cried softly.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he assured. “It’s all gonna be okay.”

“Baby?” Joel said cautiously. 

“S–sorry,” you mumbled. “I don’t know if I really want to talk about it.”

Joel’s brows scrunched together, his eyes staring at you with concern. You turned away from him, lifting yourself from the couch. Pacing the living room, you stared blankly at your bookshelf beside your entertainment center, still collecting dust after two years. You heard Joel shift against the couch behind you and glanced back to see him staring at you intensely. Anxiety was thrumming in your chest the longer you stood in front of him, too many thoughts reeling inside your mind. You never talked about the accident; you didn’t want to be reminded of what had been the catalyst in your relationship's failure. Because that’s what it was. You owed everything to Bennett for sticking by your side through it all, and in the end, you weren’t enough. Nothing you did was enough to salvage what had been your life with him before it all.

“Hey,” Joel exhaled. “C’mere.”

“I—I need a minute,” you cried.

You bolted from the living room and went down the hall, gasping for air when you reached the edge of your bed. The room was spinning as you dropped your head in your hands, the nausea surging up inside you the longer you stayed stuck in the memory. You needed out of it; you needed out. You needed—.

Joel rushed into the room, falling to his knees in front of you as he said your name over and over to coax you out of the trance. Nothing was working. Your head was throbbing in pain, and you couldn’t work around it. 

“Breathe with me, baby,” Joel whispered. “Breathe.”

You heaved in a lung full of air, only to choke on it and gag back the nausea crawling up your throat. Joel rubbed his hands over your thighs, the sensation of his touch jarring you enough to make you cringe. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” he crooned, a distant echo of your dad's words. “It’s okay.”

The shrilling sound of your phone ringing pulled you both from the moment, and you crawled over the bed to grab it. 

Beth

“Fuck,” you groaned. “I can’t—I can’t answer it.”

“Give it to me, I’ll do it,” Joel offered with an outstretched hand. 

You practically tossed it at him while you crumpled into the sheets with your hands clutching your head. 

“Hello?” He answered with a brief pause before he said, “This is Joel.”

Silence.

“Fuck, okay. Gimmie a second,” he replied.

“Baby, she needs to talk to you,” Joel said.

You stifled your cries before taking your phone from his hand, already hearing Beth’s frantic voice on the other end of the receiver. 

“Beth, what is it?” You asked, your body shaking. 

“It’s dad, sis. You’ve got to come home, okay?”

[chloe-skywalker]

Grown Up - Poe Dameron

Poe Dameron x Fem!Reader

Warnings: none

Word count: 989

Summary: Han come’s back to find out his daughter is more of an adult than he thought.

Authors Note: I found this half written dialog under my bed on a scrap of paper and it had the original prompt for my story ( “oh kriff no!” - Han Solo ) and I realized after I wrote this that it felt familiar and thats because I already wrote it lol. So I changed it up some, gave it a new name, summary and ending.

Masterlist

STAR WARS Masterlist

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“General. You wanted to see us.” Poe said as him and Y/n entered the bridge holding hands.

“Yes.” Leia turned to face them with a smile. “We have some guests landing in a few hours and I’d like the two of you to greet them.”

“No problem.” Poe nodded, it sounded easy enough.

“Who are they mom?” Y/n asked wondering if they needed to impress the people coming or not.

“You’ll see.” Leia smiled secretly, she knew exactly who was coming and she wanted to keep it a surprise to her daughter.

^     ^     ^

Later that day Poe and Y/n were heading to the hanger to greet their secret guests. Who must’ve gotten there early but the most shock of seeing their ship was which ship it ended up being.

“Daddy! Chewie!” Y/n yelled out in shock and excitement. She hadn’t seen them in years.

Chewiw roared out as he ran down the ramp and over to Y/n. Picking Y/n up tightly hugging her and he spun her in the air.

“Hey Fuzzball, let me hug my daughter will ya?” Han said from behind them.

“Hi Daddy.” Y/n laughed as Chewie put her down.

“Hey baby girl.” Han hugged her.

“How’ve you been?” Y/n asked once they pulled apart.

“Good. Good- you?” he nodded.

“Great.” Y/n smiled and looked back at Poe before introducing the two. “Oh dad, this is Poe Dameron.”

“Honor to meet you sir.” Poe stepped forward holding out his hand for a handshake.

“Liewise kid. We’ve heard of your reputation.” Han shook his hand after staring at him and his hand for a moment.

“Mom’s waiting for you in the command room.” Y/n spoke up sensing a tension building from her father.

“Roarrrr, Roaaar, Roooar.” Chewie pulled Y/n back into a hug.

Y/n laughed, hugging him back. “Yes Chewie, we’ll see each other later.”

“Bye Sweetheart.” Han said as he and Chewie headed off to find Leia.

“See you later dad.” Y/n waved at them as they left the hanger, her and Poe Left next to each other.

^     ^     ^

“Han.” Leia greeted turning to focus her attention on him as he entered the bridge.

“Leia.” Han smiled at him.

“How are you?” Leia asked as they stood right across from each other.

“Good, been good. Busy.” Hand nodded looking around before focusing back on her. “You? How’ve you been? It’s been awhile.” He wondered about her and how she’s been.

“I’ve been good. Busy as well.” She answered.

“Yeah, yeah I can see that.”

“What’d you think of your welcome?” Leia smiled, knowing he enjoyed seeing his daughter after so long.

“It’s been so long since I’ve seen her. Not since…” Han nodded with a remaining smile.

“She’s grown into a fine young woman.” Leia stated as they turned and started to walk, leaving the bridge behind them.

“How old is she now? 20’s?” Han guessed.

“Yes. She’s in her early 20’s.” Leia confirmed.

“Have I really been gone that long?” Han looked at her with sadness in his eyes.

“You have.” She missed his expression with a grimace.

“I’m sorry.” he apologized.

“You’ve missed a lot.” Leia skipped over the apology.

“I have.” Han knew he missed a lot and he wished he would’ve done things differently.

“What’d you think of Poe?” Leia asked changing the sorrow subject to a lighter one.

“The pilot with her?” Han wanted to confirm who they were talking about.

“That's the one.”

“Seems like a nice guy. Heard his reputation.” He tells her but he also didn’t understand why she wanted to talk about this Poe.

“He’s my best pilot.” she stated.

“Hmmmhmm, from the stories I’ve heard of him I would figure. He seems like a good guy.” Han shrugged.

“He is. You can even ask your daughter.” She smiled at her indendo she knew it’d get his attention.

“Y/n?” What did his daughter have to do with this?

“Hmmm Hmmm.” Leia hummed with a nod of her head.

“Why?” Now he was suspicious.

“They're together.” Leia tells him, expecting what comes next.

“What?!” Han yelled.

“Don’t act all surprised Han. Like you said you haven’t been here and she’s an adult now. They’ve been together for a while.” She explains to him, giving him a stern look in her eyes.

“He’s also reckless! I’ve heard that about him to.” He grumbled now trying to think of all the negative things he’s heard of the shaggy haired pilot.

“So were you.” Lei pointed out in defense of her best pilot and daughter's lover.

“That's not the point.” Han scoffed.

“It has to do with it. Yes.” Leia stated stopping so they’d turn to face each other. “You may not like it. But that’s because you're her father. You're a good father even if you haven’t been there in awhile. You care, and because you care Han no ones ever going to be good enough for your little girl in your eyes. But I assure you Poe is. He’d die for her.”

Han thought over her words, knowing she was right. “I still don’t like it.” 

“I don’t expect you to right away.” Leia smiled at him coming around.

“Maybe I’ll stay around for a while.” He really did miss Leia and Y/n but he also needed to keep an eye on this Poe guy.

“You're welcome to as long as you don’t try to sabotage their relationship.” Leia laughed already knowing what he might plan later. When he looked down with squinted eyes Leia got serious. “Han I mean it.”

“Fine.” Han groaned out giving into her wishes for him to play nice.

“I’ll be watching you.” Leia stated letting him know she won’t let him ruin their daughter's relationship. At all.

“Yeah, yeah.” Han mumbled as they looked to the hanger, seeing their daughter and Poe laughing and chasing each other around his X-Wing.

Taglist: @padawancat97 @gruffle1

[bugdotpng]

i’ve been struggling to find something my mom and i could watch to pass the time until i go back to work (and she’s always trying to find a reason for me to get out of bed and migrate to the living room) but we have such drastically different tastes in tv shows it’s almost impossible to find anything we’d both like

as per @gingerredshirt’s rec, she enjoyed the residence (aside from the gratuitous cursing OF COURSE) and she actually already finished it because it’s relatively short and easily binge-able. last time she was here we watched abbot elementary which we enjoyed quite a bit. started severance while she was here too and she said it was too weird and there was too much cursing (from dylan mostly) and i’m just like…woman what do you even WATCH. and the answer to that is copaganda shows. which i refuse to watch with her for obvious reasons.

i saw @sullencrab is rewatching the x files which made me want to rewatch too but the last time i mentioned x files to my mom she was like “i never watched them growing up, they were too creepy” which is admittedly kind of funny.

one time during my last recovery, @gingerredshirt was over and we finished watching the fall of the house of usher and when mom asked what it was, she was like “it’s a retelling of the edgar allen poe story” or whatever and my mom goes “oh, i don’t like him. he’s weird” GHFJSK?? very funny

anyway i might have convinced her to watch x files under the premise of it being older and even though it’s “gory” (her words lol) it’s so obviously fake since it’s an older show. i think she’d like the mystery aspect of it, the drama and all that. so i’ll let you know if she ends up liking it or i have to find something else because it’s too creepy lol

[fosterhomeau]

Can't sleep? Yep!

(A/N: Btw, Bouncy is out for the night and Simon was supposed to be in charge. Anyway, enjoy the fic!)

One night, the critters were sleeping while Simon was on his phone (no surprise there, honestly) He was scrolling through youtube shorts when suddenly, he heard footsteps. He jolted up a bit, it was fricken 2 am in the morning! Then, his door opened and he saw Dogday, blanket in hand.

'Oh, it's just you. Scared me for a second.' Simon said. 'Something wrong?' Dogday whimpered. 'I...I had a bad dream...' 'Uh, ok, and? What do you want me to do about it?' Simon asked. 'C- Can I sleep with you tonight?' Dogday asked, trembling. Simon was a bit surprised for a second but agreed and let Dogday on his bed. Not even 20 seconds later, his door opened again.

'Uh...hey...Simon?' Bubba said hesitantly. 'You too?' Simon asked, a bit annoyed. Bubba nodded and Simon told him to get on the bed. A few minutes later, Simon was woken up by a few taps on his shoulder. He opened his eyes groggily and saw Crafty, Bobby and Crafty.

'Seriously? I already got 2- You know what? Just get on the bed, I need my beauty sleep.' Simon said before helping the girls on the bed too. Their noise woke up Dogday and Bubba. 'Woah! Sleepover!' Dogday said excitedly. 'No, no sleepover. Just because my bed is big doesn't mean it's big enough for you to have a par- again?!' Yes, the door opened, for the fourth time. This time, it's Hoppy and Kickin.

'Hey dude, we had a bit of a nightmare about...you know. Can we, maybe...' Kickin trailed off. Simon let out an exasperated groan. 'Yeah...just get on quick... And let me guess, 3, 2, 1.' Sure enough, the door creaked open once again to reveal Catnap, holding his Doraemon plush, trembling. Simon let the three of them get on his bed too as long as they stay quiet, which is not happening. Simon laid down while listening to the 8 critters chatting. Luckily, there was still space since his bed was pretty big until...

'Hey, u-uh...Simon?' Simon sat up and saw Rabie, Maggie and Touille standing at his door. Simon smirked. 'I mean, I can understand these gremlins but you guys too?' Maggie rolled her eyes. 'Look, it was...bad, ok? Can we sleep with you tonight?' Right after she said that, Baba and Poe appeared too.

Simon sighed. 'I don't want to deal with this anymore. Just get the rest. I'm pretty sure they're gonna app- and there's Ali.' the critters laughed a bit and there ended up with 16 critters on Simon's bed. 'Did you guys seriously have to have nightmares at the exact same time in the exact same night?!' He was answered by some giggles from the critters as they played around on Simon's bed.

Eventually, they grew tired and they collapsed onto the bed, and fell asleep, cuddling together.

That night, their mom came back and saw that the kids were not in their rooms. She checked each one before discovering 16 critters, sqrawled on Simon's bed, sleeping soundly. She smiled at the scene and closed the door.

[bengiyo]

Marahuyo Project Eps 1 & 2 Stray Thoughts

I am so excited about this show! Anima Studios was behind Gaya sa Pelikula (Like in the Movies), and JP Habac is back directing. They even got Adrian Lindayag from The Boy Foretold by the Stars and Love Beneath the Stars, and they got Tommy Alejandrino from The Day I Loved You. I am so ready.

Episode 1 – Amihan

I do like opening with a quick queer history lesson reminding that much of our modern homophobic experience is a byproduct of imperialism.

Look at them!! I missed you, boys!

Hold on, I’m already ascending over these two giving each other the signal to kiss in front of the dean.

Homophobe down!

I wonder if we’ll see the macho dad later. I’m looking forward to the mom drama.

Not the fish going flying during a Crash Into You moment.

Points to grandma for knowing more terms, but you can’t just ask this boy that kinda stuff!

I think the actress playing the mom is Sue Prado, who also played Cairo’s mom in Gameboys.

Okay, I love his internal monologue and that he chides himself with feminine pronouns. Good shout out on that @lurkingshan

OOF. It’s missing my grandmothers hours.

Oh hey we’re gonna keep going with the spectrum. Very relieved to be outside of the bubble again.

Oh, I like the name Venice.

That reaction to the extended LGBTQIA+ was really elegant. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in some of the internal politics, but folks away from major population centers are so isolated that the specific terminology is just not their priority, and they don’t get the updates.

Lovi Poe mentioned!! Everyone go watch Sleep With Me on GagaOOlala!!

I want you all to know that @yankeebastard and I call each other “sis” all the time. I’m having a great time.

Oh no they’re gonna throw my boy into the pool.

There it is.

You win this round, President Fish Boy.

Episode 2 – Dios Buhawi

Oh, that was too aggressive, King, but I feel you.

Yes! Call your friends! I was worried they’d be out of the picture after the expulsion.

Damn, it really be your own people dragging you. Juvy called out King’s crush so fast.

It’s really refreshing to watch a show wearing its politics on its sleeves.

I’m really intrigued by the way this show breaks the fourth wall. I’m going to have to think about what role we fill in King’s existence.

Okay, the gibberish bit was funny.

Lorena Gomez, are you family?

About to cry about this dress scene.

Lorena and Lili, are you two best friends in love with each other in an unexpressed way??

Yes, drag his ass. Shut the fuck up, Marco.

Venice suffering in the heat should not be this funny.

I am curious what “friendly recruiter” King looks like.

Yes, what is the tea on Archie?

I do love King. Reminds me of a boy who protected me when I was a refugee. I watched him fight four boys on a stairwell and win.

Crash Into You again??? And in front of everyone!

Now, Marco, what the fuck was that look?

Ino, you ain’t fooling me trying to suss out how much King likes you, or if he has a boyfriend back in Manila.

Ino, you ain’t gotta stand that close to King.

Interesting. I think Archie was warning Venice to hide after the dean showed up.

Thankfully the front of his mullet blends in with the background.

BESTIES, WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK! This is so good right out of the gate. I love that King is such a warrior. He’s not passive at all, and everyone clocks him so quickly. I’m so ready to see what Ino is going to do since he can’t help but flirt with King. I have big hopes for Lorena and Lili. It feels so good to be back in a well-produced show from the Philippines with a huge heart and a lot to say. I feel restored.

[askbensolo]

Journal Entry #51: Weirdest thing that’s ever happened to me in a Spacebucks

Ever since Poe and Beebee-Ate moved in, I’ve been buying caf in the morning more often, instead of making it at home. RIP my bank account.

See, Beebee is kind of hyper in the morning. When my alarm goes off, he rolls off his charging port and starts following me around. Even into the bathroom—like, bro. Personal space?? So, I’m kinda eager to just get out the door as soon as possible.

But, maybe Beebee-Ate is just my poor excuse. Because...coffeeshops in autumn? Vibes. I already admitted to you that I’m a sucker for seasonal beverages.

I'd had it in my mind to try to meditate before work. I had told Fannie I would. (This was before...stuff happened.) And over my morning caf seemed like a good time to do it. But…I never really ended up doing it. I guess I’m afraid of what I’ll see and hear, if I quiet my mind like that. I’m scared I’ll see whatever’s inside me that my mom seems so afraid of... Or, I’m scared I’ll see nothing at all.

Because...that’s how I’ve felt, lately. Like a husk. Holding my head above water, but just barely. Making it through. Texting my mom every day to keep her happy, and saying “Yes I love you I’ll tell my parents about you soon” to my sorta-girlfriend to keep her happy (guess I won't have to worry about that anymore at least), and showing up to work on time and generating five-hundred pieces of content to keep them happy, and lying to my uncle about my connection to the Force to keep him happy (won't have to worry about that anymore either I guess), and suppressing my urge to kick Beebee-Ate across the room like a football to keep my roommate happy (still have to deal with that unfortunately), and, well, I guess I kind of thought if I had my dream life in the city and a decently-paying job and a girl telling me every day that she loves me and I mean something to her and I’m not just a waste of space that I’d be happy, too, but—

…Frick. No. I can’t. See what I mean? I’m much better off keeping my introspection at bay.

And my little daily overpriced latte helps. Because it’s not just coffee. I am purchasing my sanity.

Somehow.

Even if it does cause me financial ruin in my thirties. But, hey—the way the New Republic is going, I don’t got a lotta hope for the decade ahead anyway!

And—well—I just made a little deal that'll set me up for life.

You’ll see.

So, anyway. Since I’m not meditating, I end up people-watching a lot. And, I end up watching Armitage a lot, because he is by far the most entertaining character of the ensemble. At first I thought he was the store manager, but then I saw him getting yelled at by the manager, so, I think he's just a shift leader or something.

But he wants to be the manager. I can see it in his eyes.

And I can tell this guy is a real psych case—someone clinging onto whatever little power he can grasp between his bony little service-gloved fingers—because he runs the place like a freaking military operation. Like, homie?? You do know you’re working minimum wage for a food service galacticorp, right?

I would soooo hate to work with him—but to give him credit, it’s the most efficient Spacebucks I’ve ever been to. Even at peak business hours. Armie runs a tight ship.

(I call him “Armie” in my head. One day it’s gonna come out of my mouth by accident, and dude’s gonna vault himself over the counter and try to murder me.)

(Well, try to murder me again, I mean. No, wait—I'm getting ahead of myself here—you'll see.)

So, last week, they got my order wrong. I brought it to the counter, and Armitage muttered “absolutely unacceptable” under his breath, and dragged over this poor zit-covered, sleep-deprived, college-kid barista by the scruff of his collar and publicly berated him in front of me and forced him to apologize to me and let me keep the first drink but upsized my new drink for free and remade it himself and forced the poor barista kid to watch him do it, and I’m pretty sure someone should report that as a workplace harassment incident—but it was also funny as hell, and sure made my day.

What I actually ordered was the korranut sweetgourd cold brew. But, I ended up kind of liking the first thing, too, so I came back to the counter to ask what it was. The traumatized barista kid ducked into the back when he saw me coming, so I flagged down Armitage.

“Yo, Armitage. What was in that first order?” I asked.

He blanched—as if he could get any paler. His eyes shifted around, like he was afraid who might hear. “What?” he whispered hoarsely.

I blinked a couple times. Was I insane? “Uhh…what was…in the first order…?”

He seemed to regain some composure, and squinted at me. “How do you know about the first order?” he hissed.

Now I was getting a little freaked out. “I…I tasted it?” I stuttered.

Then things got really weird.

He grabbed me by the wrist and took me behind the counter and pulled me into the back room. It happened so fast—my brain froze up. He was skinny as heck, but his grip was like iron. I could’ve beaten him up if I’d tried, but I was scared stiff. I threw terrified looks at the other baristas. Tried to say “help” with my eyes, but they just ignored me. The manager was nowhere to be seen. Either this was a normal occurrence to them, or they were too scared of Armitage to do anything.

Maybe both.

He pulled me into a storage closet and slammed the door behind us and shoved me back against the wall.

“Dude, what—”

“Who are you?” Armitage hissed. “I knew there was something I didn’t like about you from the start, Ben Quadinaros—if that even is your real name. Who sent you? How long have you been watching me?”

“I—I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I stuttered. I was bigger than him, but I don’t like when grown-ups yell at me—it doesn’t matter that I’m a grown-up now—I still don’t like it.

Armitage wrinkled his nose at me. As if I were literally garbage. (For reference, I am only figuratively garbage.) “What’s your real name, Ben Quadinaros?”

Was there a reason why I shouldn’t give him my real name? I didn’t know. Maybe? I couldn’t really think.

“Ben, uh...Calrissian?” I posed weakly.

He looked me over with a snarling grimace, seeming to feel I had insulted his intelligence. “No…no, I don’t believe that one bit. What is it really?”

The Solo snark won out. “Would you take Jabba the Hutt?” I asked.

He sneered. In an instant his hand flew to his hip, under his green apron, and I realized—OH, KRIFF ME—Armie was armed. It was Armitage Arkanis, in the broom closet, with the blaster. Ben Solo becomes a white outline on the floor. I got that horrible feeling all of a sudden like when you jump into hyperspace on a full stomach.

“Oh frick—geez—oh my Force—I’m—Ben—my name is—Ben Organa Solo!” I blurted, genuinely scared for my life. Because yeah, my life kinda sucks, but it doesn’t suck that bad—not bad enough to lose it to an unhinged ginger who’d smoke me in the back of a Spacebucks for, what—lying about my name?

“Solo,” Armitage said slowly, and his eyes flashed with recognition. “Yes. I knew it. The Alderaanian princess’s son. What do you want from me, then? Information?”

“I-I mean…yeah? I…I just wanted to know what was in the drink,” I choked out. “Please. Don’t kill me.”

Now his expression turned to one of bewilderment. “…The drink?” he repeated.

“Y-yeah," I said. "The order that got messed up. The…the first one.”

The longest thirty seconds of silence ever. My knees were shaking and my heart was pounding in my ears. I felt like I was either gonna throw up or piss myself. I wondered what it felt like to get shot.

And then Armitage blinked a few times and withdrew his hand from his hip and looked around for a second and became the shift leader again and seemed to realize how insane it was that he’d dragged a paying customer into a broom closet and threatened him. He took a clumsy step backward and cleared his throat.

“I…apologize for the misunderstanding,” he muttered weakly. I could sense his weakness.

Oh, I thought. He's not so scary. I could crush his windpipe with one hand. And then I stopped feeling so afraid.

I saw an opening. Stood up a little taller. Squared my shoulders a little.

“Uhh, yeah, you better,” I said. “‘Cause I’m reporting your ass. What the kriff, dude?”

He took another step back, and cast a worried glance behind him.

Oh! So he was scared of me now. I liked that. I liked that sooo much better.

“I mean...hello?" I shouted. "You’re kriffing insane! You can’t freaking do that to people! Who do you think you are? Who’d you think I was?”

“I misunderstood,” Armitage sniffed, but he couldn’t hide his discomfort. “I…I thought you were someone looking to get me in trouble.”

“Yeah, well, now I am,” I said. I took a little step forward, and he took a little step back. I found that really funny for some reason, and if I weren't so fired up I would've laughed at him. “Seriously! You were making threats on my life just because you thought I was like, what, an undercover workplace investigator? From Spacebucks corporate, or sentient resources, or something?”

“Yes,” Armitage agreed hurriedly. “Yes. That is—exactly—precisely—who I thought you were. Quite.”

“Well, you should damn well be investigated,” I huffed. “For Force’s sake! I’m filing a police report.”

“Don’t,” he begged.

“You were gonna pull a blaster on me!”

“I don’t have one. I don’t have one!” He pulled up the lap of his apron and showed me his pockets. And he was right. His legs were so skinny. Like toothpicks, or something. There was no way he had a blaster—not even one of those really little ones.

So, he’d been bluffing. That tracked. I was beginning to understand this guy real kriffin' well—he was scary as kark, until you had him in a corner, and then he just freaking melted.

“Okaaay,” I said. “Pretty sure you can still get in a lot of trouble for threatening me. You don’t want my mom to know about this, buddy. She practically freaks out when I get a hangnail.”

Armitage turned white. Again—as if he could get any whiter. “P-Princess Leia? I mean…the Senator Organa?”

“The one and only.”

Bro dropped to his knees on the dirty-ass closet floor. “Oh, my God. Please. No.” I once again suppressed the urge to laugh at him.

Wow! Wasn’t this amusing. I felt like I could kick him in the face right now, and he’d just sit there and take it.

Something stirred within me. Something toothy and mean and strong that rippled downward through my body and made my hands feel hot. Maybe it was that thing Mom and Uncle Luke were so afraid of. What Snoke had always tried to encourage, before I cut contact with him. What Snoke seemed to still want to stoke inside of me, now that his whispers had begun again to brush up against the perimeters of my mind. That power that had made me believe, for a second, that I could come at my uncle with a lightsaber...

Armie’s bottom lip trembled. Now he looked like he was going to throw up or piss himself. I kept him in suspense for a luxurious fifteen more seconds and wondered if he’d cry. I imagined what it’d feel like to bash this loser’s skull in for thinking he could threaten me.

How many homicidal fantasies is a guy allowed to have before he has to turn himself over to the psych ward? Is twice in one year okay? As a treat?

Asking for a friend.

Anyway. Now that I knew he wasn't armed, I wasn't scared of him anymore. Because if Armitage wasn't armed, then it was just up to whoever had bigger arms, and that was me—but luckily for Armie, we were kind of in an armistice.

Well, I was gonna call the police on him. But then I had the most legendary, freaking hilarious idea ever. A real stroke of genius.

“...Okay, Arkanis,” I said finally. “I’ve got a solution: buy me caf for the rest of my life, and I won’t tell your manager. Or the police. Or my mom.”

Armie’s eyes bugged out. “Buy your caf?” he spluttered. “For life?”

“Yep.” I gave him a little grin and a nod. “What can I say? I’m a college grad in a failing economy, who bought into the lie that my degree would mean something, and now I’m effectively an alcoholic—just with overpriced caf-based beverages instead of booze.”

Armitage blinked slowly, like an ugly little frog, and wet his thin, pale lips.

I shrugged. “I’m a simple man, Armitage. I’m giving you options here. Finance my addiction, and I’ll let this go.”

He slowly rose to his feet. “There is no way I could possibly afford that,” he spat. “You come in here almost every day.”

“Yeah, well. Can you afford me reporting you to the authorities?” I asked. “‘Cause I’ll throw in what an abusive little skrit-head you are to your employees, too. And the time I saw you accidentally sneeze into a drink but serve it anyway.”

If he was any paler, he’d be frickin’ transparent.

“...Fine,” he said. “But—there has to be a credit limit on this. Five credits a day.”

“Five credits doesn’t buy a single damn thing on your menu, and you know it."

“It buys a plain black coffee,” he disagreed haughtily.

“I don’t want a plain black caf, I can make that at home,” I snapped. “And what makes you think you’re in any position to negotiate? I don’t have to hold my tongue. I can call the police right now.”

Armitage opened his mouth and closed it again. Like an ugly little fish. (Basically you could describe him as an ugly little anything and it'd be accurate.)

Well, I already had all the leverage here. But I decided to throw him a bone anyway.

“Look, buddy,” I said softly. “I keep in shape, so I’m not gonna rack up a tab. And when I’m picking up orders for work, they let me do it on the company card. I'll go easy on ya. I swear. So…do we got a deal, or what?”

He was silent for several moments, his eyes kind of glassed over. Then he nodded dumbly.

Oh my Force. He actually went for it.

Ha! Baby’s first blackmail.

“Nice.” I grinned and punched him lightly in the shoulder. He flinched. “So, uh. You mind transferring me some credits for today? And then you can just, like, give me a gift card, or something.”

Again, he nodded, looking like I'd kicked his puppy—or, maybe just like a kicked puppy. For a second, I almost felt bad.

And then I remembered how he'd threatened my life—or tried to make me think that he could—and I thought of Snoke—and I thought of Luke—how my whole life I've always felt like everyone was always trying to control me—and how I'd sworn to never let anyone throw me around ever again—and suddenly, I didn't feel quite so bad anymore.

"Crabapple caramel crunch," Armitage muttered, all of a sudden.

I looked at him. "What?"

He raised his watery eyes to meet mine, the familiar scowl back in place.

"That was the first drink," he said quietly. "The...first order."

[pumpkinsy0]

Do u have headcanons about or what do you think about a 90s or 00s AU (maybe) where Curly Shepard is a punk and Ponyboy a goth or a babybat? ^_^ Like imagine purly but ponyboy tries to show his obsession for edgar allan poe and curly or the gang JUST DON'T GET IT 😭

wym anon that literally already IS purly🙄🙄

BUT YEA I DO HAVE HCS!!!! o(^-^)o

(for context who dont know, baby at is the name for like ppl who r newly goth basically, theyre just starting out listening to music n stuff like that)

•since curly is punk here and the whole idea of punks is essentially anti establishment and love individuality i will NOT make him make fun of pony for being goth, especially when hes a babybat hes just embracing himself

•also curly is curly i feel like hes a bit morbid himself and would be at the very least interested in edgar allen poe, so even if he wasnt punk he wouldnt make fun of pony for liking him, even if he does thats just bc hes being friendly and just does NOT like poetry

•ill place this in like, late 90s and early 2000s, so there is that huge thing against goths and punks for being ‘weird’ and against god or something along those lines

•curlys pretty used to being targeted for being different for his punk style and such while pony isnt exactly used to that so i imagine that hes more protective while ponys trying to figure himself out in that regard

•some bands pony would b interested in is evanescence, the cure, and siouxsie and the banshees, london after midnight, of course there IS more but these r like more so his favs

•how pony found out about gothic bands was like, a song was playing in darrys car radio and darry didnt rlly like it so he changed it but the song was already stuck in ponys head

•he brought it up to curly but pony was just like ‘idk maybe itll pass’, it in fact DID not pass and later they was just chillin in curlys car and the song came back on the radio and pony was like ‘neuron activated’

•curly was personally not rlly into the song, but hey, ponys happy so its whatever

•personally i imagine that pony doesnt have a gothic STYLE more so he has a love for gothic songs and literature, yknow what i mean??? but maybe he does borrow some clothes from curly thats more on the gothic side or thrifts some clothes

•other than edgar allen poe, he does like phantom of the opera, frankenstein, dracula, carmilla, dr jekyll and mr hyde, also he would like ruby gloom (thank my gf for this hc)

•his art style is kinda influenced by those media actually

•as for what type of goth he is i could mostly see him being like a geek goth, but he is interested in the looks of victorian goths and gothabilly goths

IVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT PONY FOR TOO LONG NOW ON ABOUT CURLY

•tbh, not much to add for this guy, punk curly is literally just regular curly but more understanding of who he is and what he wants in the world yknow??

•think of curly but actually a lil more, idk thought provoking in his own curly way with a better understanding of the world

•MAY I INSERT MY HC OF CURLY HAVIN AN AFRO MOHAWK HERE🗣️🗣️

•he is from a haitian household tho and haitian moms especially tend to be more, religious and all that jazz, so while tim and angela get their ears yelled off for well being them, its especially happening to curly bc in his moms eyes hes “turning away from god” n what not being a “vagabon” as many haitian moms would put it

•he likes customizing his own clothes, he thrifts and gets a bunch of hand me downs so might as well make them look cooler

•hes a graffiti artist and hes acc pretty well known, everyone knows its him but they dont rlly say anything cause 1) hes curly shepard but 2) his work rlly isnt that bad actually

•i could totally see him liking green day and he does NOT like fall out boy but he does like a coulle of songs from them (much to his dismay

•hes picking up guitar (how he afforded it??? i payed for it lets just say that)

WHEN IT COMES TO THE GANG, they dont rlly get pony being goth, they support him of course, but they do tend to make fun of him a bit</33 but darry, soda, and johnny do try to understand him more, its rlly just two

ps anon my gf said she loves u for ur idea (shes goth, u got the goth stamp of approval)

[yadayadams]

Guardian Angel

The day I found out

The cancer had spread to her liver

And lungs

I got a flat tire

It wasnt even while driving

I was parked at work

And i later found out

a nail

Had wedged its way in backwards

The mechanic would say he’d never seen that before

That was my last day ever in the office

But Ididnt know it at the time

It was

Comically and Cosmically

Tragic

Like getting covid

On my way home from her funeral

But that’s another story

So I waited

An hour

2 hours

For triple-A

To come change the tire

Because i couldn't do it myself

And I think

The man who showed up

Might have been an angel

At least that’s what my friends said

He was funny for an angel

A little older than me

But barely

Attractive

His voice was kind

He said I sounded

Stressed on the phone

I told it was because

I was “having a bad day”

He asked me

To hold the tube

That inflates the spare

That probably hadn’t been replaced

Since the car was bought

In 2005

“This machine is old and janky”

He had said

“I need your help to hold it”

I didn't really expect him to ask why

My day was so bad

But he did

I think he was trying to flirt

But i told him the truth

I thought I should have lied

Until he said

“My mom died of cancer

And my grandma”

He rolled up his sleeve

To show me a tattoo

Of his grandmother

On his inner forearm

She was beautiful

Blossoming across his skin

Then he started

Talking about time

And how precious it is

But I knew already

And it didnt help to hear it

When i was so far from her

And all the quality time

Was already behind me by then

Then he asked me if I go clubbing

I almost laughed

In his attempt to flirt with me

And make me feel a little better

He had hit on my two biggest pain points

1. my mother is dying

2. I don’t go out enough

But at least he replaced my tire

He told me he thought

I needed to have more fun

And he was right

He was right about time too

And then my strange angel left

And I drove home

Careful on my old spare tire

And I thought

There ought to be a lesson in this

Something about bad things happening

For a reason

As a poe

Obviously, this seemed so

well

Poetic

And I dont know

Maybe it was just a man

Who wanted to flirt with someone

That happened to be having

The worst day of her life

Well

Up till then at least

Or maybe

G-d thought

Ive thrown all this shit at you

So quickly

Here is at least a funny one

And while I wont forgive Him

For what Hes taken from me

I will at least laugh about it

And I've been told that my laugh

Sounds like hers

And maybe

That is enough

[cheap-tea-addict]

Ranpoe's valentines💗

14.02(valentines day)

Edgar had already finished his classes for the day. He was now going back there to pick up Ranpo and do random stuff since there wasn't any plan for it. The young writer arrived at the school and waited for the other to finish last class.

After standing there for a bit he saw his shorter friend leaving through the door. Edgar waved and Ranpo responded with same.

-Hey ed!

-Hello Ranpo

-Where are we going? I'm hungry.

-Maybe we can go to the store behind school. I wanted to buy some flowers too.

-Alright, let's go!

They left through the gate and made their way to the shop. After few minutes of walking and talking they arrived at the store. They entered and imidietly saw the flower stand and walked over to it.

-Ranpo look, they have my favorite flowers- Edgar said as he pointed at a bouquet yellow tulips.

-Oh cool! But why did you wanted to buy flowers anyway?

-oh! I wanted to put them on the living and give them to my mom.

-Mhm. Let's go get food now.

They strolled into an aile with baked goods and started looking around.

-Hey ed! How about we get some donuts? Look at the pink ones, they have heart sprinkles on top! Let's get those.

-Okay let me get a bag- He walked away for a few seconds and came back with a paper bag- How many are we taking?

-hmm... 4! 2 for you and 2 for me. I just need to count if I have enough money.

-I can pay for them. Dont worry.

-Realy? Thank youu- Ranpo smiled widely

They took donuts and flowers and made their way to the cashier. After paying they left the shop.

-Where are we going now?-Ranpo asked

-We can go sit at the rocks over there.

-Good idea:)

They sat on the rocks. Edgar put the flowers on the ground next to their bags. Ranpo handed Edgar one of the donuts and started eating his own.

-Mhm! They're realy good.

-I know I tried them before- Ranpo said.

Ed looked at the flowers.

-hm. I have an idea.

He tried grabbing the bouquet without getting up and after some struggling he made it. He pulled out on of the tulips and handed it to the other male.

-There you go. For you- Ed said with a smile.

-Thank you- He took the flower from his hand.

-How about we take some photos? We can share them in the group chat later.

-Sure.

-Oh no, my phone died.

-We can use my phone- He gave Poe his phone.

-Alright

They posed for the pic with donuts and flowers. Ranpo tried to cover his face with his hair but failed while Ed's face for once was visible.

-I look like on crack- Edgar commented after seeing his face in the photo. Ranpo took his phone back to send the pictures.

-Are we still sending them on the chat?

-Yep-Ranpo quickly opened the chat- What are we typing?

-Maybe something like ' Platonic date with..' and then you'll tag me?

-Mhm- Ranpo wrote it down- Is it correct?

-Yep.

-Okay.

Few minutes later one person replied_the others were propably busy_

>Omg, You both look so pretty. (to reader: pick any character)

<Thank you♡.-They both replied from Ranpo's account.

Ran already finished second donut and have the bag with the last one to Poe

-Thanks, I'll finish it later.

-Yeah, let's go now. Its cold.

They gathered their stuff making sure they hadn't left any litter behind.

-Do you have everything?... Let's go- Edgar turned to start walking but left a tug on his sleve he looked into the dirention of his 'friend' he felt lips press again his cheek.

-Thank you for donuts and flower and the whole time.

-Y-you're welcome- Edgar said with a slitly red face.-L-let's go now.

They spent the rest of their way home on talking about anything

-Do you want to walk me home?-Ranpo asked when they walked up to the place they would've parted ways.

-Sure. Lead the way.

Few minutes of walking they were at Ranpo's door step as always there were cats around and Ran imidietly went to pet them.

-Alright. I'll be going. I have some stuff to do.

-Okay! Bye bye.

-Bye, I'll try not to get lost-Ed said as he vanished behind the corner. (he isn't in that part of the city often)

His way home was calm he listened to some music on headphones and finished his donut. He got home safely and after that day had more outings like that and made the rocks their official meeting spot.

The end

Fic also on ao3: carrotwall

[skylarstark4826]

"No matter how far I go, no matter how long I'm gone, remember I still love you," Zorii said, because it was true.

Her son's expression was serious. He knew these words by heart, and along with all the words she would say after. She always said them in some form before she left. It was becoming a ritual between the two of them.

"When I go out there, I will always come back for you, every time." She said it to his face, knowing full well it was a lie. Too many people never came back. It might be her next time. So each time she left, she held on to the sight of his face like he might be the last thing she ever saw. Jessii's blue eyes anchored her to this world more securely than gravity. She hugged him and twined her fingers into his silky blonde hair, and had to make herself let go quickly in order to resist the urge to cling. "I will never leave you behind."

"Stay inside, and keep the door locked. Don't answer to anybody when I'm not home, not even the crew." Zorii stood and put on her helmet, but didn't close the visor, allowing herself a last unfiltered look at him. She'd had twelve years with him, and those years hadn't been enough. No matter what happened, she wouldn't make her words a lie. Twelve years wasn't old enough for a kid to go on without his mother.

He watched her, solemn and reassuring, her little soldier, right up until she got to the door. "Mom? Can I watch holos while your gone?" Jessii asked, ready to be a kid again.

"As many as you want," Zorii said. She pushed down her reluctance and made herself turn away to leave. It was only a spice run, and she could use the credits. A little mouth needed a lot of feeding. All the same, her heart twinged enough to make her wonder if there wasn't some better way to raise her son, some way to get him away from this world of thieves. She might even turn honest for him.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Already loaded. Ready to go?" Poe's eyes shone a bit too bright, eager to reach the stars.

She came aboard to find the cargo secure and the engine hot, despite it only being the two of them on the run. Poe was trying harder than usual to impress, to do all the pre-flight work on his own. Maybe he was planning to make another try at asking to kiss her. Maybe she would even let him this time, if this trip went well enough for her to finally start Jessii on a better life. Poe throttled up the engine and pushed the ship into the air at high speed. There was something jittery to him she decided to ignore. Instead she cast her mind to the deal ahead, and let Poe take them away from the pull of gravity and into the darkness of space.

A Star Destroyer loomed above the glowing cresent of atmosphere, her bay doors open and disgorging an entire fleet of small transports. Poe twisted their own ship sharply away and then rolled back up again, searching for a clear path into open space. "There's a lot of First Order in my skies. Do you think they're on to us?"

Since when had the First Order ever cared about spice running? Zorii clambered out of her seat and raced down to the gunwell, but by time she had her hands on the turret controls the fleet had already broken up on approach to the planet. She yanked the headpiece over to her face. "It looks like they're landing troops. Their approach puts them on for all the large population centres, and I hate to say it, but I think our town is one of them."

The targeting scanner lit up as something passed close to the viewport, and she caught a glimpse of a ship on a flyby. It looked like a Republic snub-fighter, but she could have sworn they'd all been retired since the end of the rebellion. If it was one, it would be the first time the Republic made an appearance in this sector.

A strange voice came over the comms. "We got your six, Pilot. Transmitting coordinates to rendezvous. Prepare to jump on my mark."

"Poe? What the hell is going on?" Zorii called back to him, but Poe when answered it was to someone else.

"Coordinates confirmed. Ready when you are."

All of a sudden she felt like leaving Poe alone at the controls had been a very bad idea. Zorii climbed back up as fast as she could. "You set this up on me?" She demanded when she saw the navicomputer active under his hands, a course laid in and ready for the jump to lightspeed.

"Come with me," Poe rose from his seat and came up to her, his face earnest, like she didn't have anyone she'd be leaving behind.

She only needed two words. "I can't."

"In that case, so long Zorii." He raised his blaster, and as she watched it come up, as she reached for her own, he pivoted and kicked her in the stomach hard enough to knock her flat. His blaster was at her head before she could stand.

"I'd rather not shoot you, but if it'll make things easier," Poe said.

She decided to let him push her into an escape pod without a making fuss. The hatch slammed shut, and a warning light flicked on. She felt a thump as the pod detached. For a moment the ship loomed large in her viewport, and then pulled away to vanish into hyperspace. The transports started coming back up, and she was in an escape pod tumbing to the surface, surrounded by First Order who were more likely to blast her out of the way than maneuver around her. Poe hadn't even waited to finish the job before he betrayed her. He'd left her behind, without even the credits to her name, to try feeding her son while carrying the debt for the lost spice.

Once the pod touched down she stepped out onto the same dark streets and the same cold wind she'd only just left, and yet she'd come back to find it an entirely different world. Agonized noise rose up around her, so twisted she barely recognized it as the voices of sentients. Wails chased each other as she walked through town, the sound pushing her faster toward home. The sight of her own front step brought her just as sharply to a halt. The door stood half-open and warped in its frame. The blackened lock shot sparks. Her blaster was out of her holster and in her hand, and she gripped it so tightly her fingers started to turn numb. She squeezed herself through the opening, searching for danger, listening against the background noise of holos, and found nothing. No intruders. No Jessii. She stepped back outside, where she grabbed hold of the first person she found wandering by, a woman walking about aimless and crying.

"What happened here?" Zorii demanded.

"They took them. They took all of them. Why would they take my children?" She clutched at herself, shaking with the force of her sobs.

Zorii turned away from her to look down other streets, to try to convince herself this wasn't happening. Ravaged families stood in their doorways, bereft parents hanging off each other and staring out with hollow eyes. It wouldn't have turned out like this if Poe hadn't tricked her into coming along. If she stayed behind she would have been here to protect Jessii. She walked past the bodies lying in the dirt, blaster wounds still smoking, and refused to believe the same would have happened to her. Even as others began shutting themselves away to dwell on their grief she kept going, searching for an answer even as she knew her steps wouldn't bring her any closer to her son. Twelve years of trying to get him out, and this was how it happened. She tried to hold her Jessii's face in her mind, but all she could see was the blasted doorpanel. He'd kept the door locked, and it hadn't made a bit of difference. Jessii was gone, she was left behind, and Poe was racing off into the stars. Maybe if she was really lucky, Poe would get himself killed out there.

XXXXXXXXXX

Jessii lay on his stomach in front of the holoprojector and giggled at the shrieks of the cartoon rancors as they battled against a flock of mynocks attempting to invade their sacred grove. His laughter stopped when the next cry didn't match up with the video. Even as he turned his head toward the sound more screams rose up, too near and far too real. Someone banged at the door. Jessii scrambled up and ran to the back room, searching for a place to hide. The short burst of an exploded lock and the groan of stressed metal sent him diving into the storage cupboard, thrusting aside food packages as he went. A bag of dried legumes burst underneath him and spilled across the floor. Footsteps worked a circuit around their home, slowly coming closer. Bits of dried food crunched underfoot. Someone tore the hatch off the cupboard, letting dim light spill onto his face. Jessii sprang out from hiding, using his momentum to propel himself forward into one of the high kicks his mom taught him. Pain shot up his leg as his foot bounced off unyielding armour. A stormtrooper caught him at the waist and spun him around, lifting him off his feet.

"You've been chosen for conscription for the First Order stormtrooper corps. You get to leave this dump and join the best academy in the galaxy. It's going to be great." The distorting quality of his helmet didn't hide his boredom.

Jessi pounded his heels against the trooper's shin plate, grunting with effort.

The trooper actually laughed. "Keep it up. A spirit like that, and you might make officer rank. If you live long enough."

He turned sideways to wedge himself back through the half-open door, using one hand to lead his blaster ahead of him and the other to drag Jessii behind. Jessii clung to the edges of the frame, and yelped over his scraped palms when the trooper yanked him out anyway. The sound of the holo carried through the open door as the rancors loosed another comical shriek.

"I got one over here," The trooper called to his companion. "How'd you make out?"

"Ah, just a bunch of aliens where I checked," The other stormtrooper grumbled. "Good for nothing but target practice."

They wanted him alive, and that meant they wouldn't hurt him, not really. All he had to do was outrun them and find somewhere to hide, maybe where the crew planned their jobs. Maybe his mom would be on her way back by now, and he would find her there. First he had to get away. Jessii tried to remember what his mom said about their armour. It was weakest where the joints exposed the black bodyglove beneath, and the gap at the neck. Jessii stacked his fingers toward into a narrow wedge and thrust his hand above the trooper's shoulder as fast as he could. He screamed in pain as the trooper caught his arm and twisted. The pressure forced him to bend double, his knees buckling. Suddenly it eased up again, a little. He could straighten his legs enough to walk, and raise his head high enough to see where he was going. When he lifted his gaze, he found the trooper staring down at him.

"You'll learn." He said, and pulled Jessii along again without another word.

Jessii thrashed against the trooper's grip as they forced him along the street, further and further away from his home. Something moved in the shadows, and then burst out as a family tried to run with their little girl, her arm stretched over her head as she clutched her father's hand, her feet barely skimming the ground. The mother carried a boy too small to walk steadily on his own. She had one hand free, and Jessii glimped a blaster hidden against her side.

"Halt!" One of the troopers shouted.

She looked back at the troopers, and then she met Jessii's gaze. She stopped, drawing her weapon. The stormtrooper blew a hole into her, and then into the man, in rapid succession. They both collapsed, and the blaster tumbling away unused. Jessii stood rigid, unable to look away, his breath coming in little squeaks.

"Relax kid, you're fine."

The boy lay howling, trapped under the body of his fallen mother. His sister dragged him up and tried to flee with him. The trooper switched his blaster to stun and fired after them. He groaned as he picked up a kid under each arm. Jessii watched their limp bodies sway in the trooper's careless grasp. The pain in his arm didn't seem so bad in comparison, not in exchange for the power to walk on his own, for one last chance to make a clean break. He watched every blind corner for room to run, every bit of rubbish they passed for something to use as a weapon. What he saw instead was a transport where more First Order had already converged. They were shoved inside and made to kneel between the row of troopers. The stunned children were thrown on the deckplating to bounce around between their feet.

"Not a bad haul for a miserable scrap of ice."

"I know, it's about time this place got culled."

The transport sealed up, and he felt the pull and shift as it lifted off and switched to artificial gravity. As he left his life behind, Jessii held on the words of his mom's ritual, and wished he could do it over again. He hadn't said the words back. He hadn't told his mom he loved her.

XXXXXXXXXX

A captain's medallion was a little talisman that could ward off all hardship. Zorii turned the medallion over and over between her fingers. This thing could take her so far away she could forget the rest of the galaxy even existed. Maybe if she went far enough and stayed away for long enough she could forget... No, she could never forget Jessii.

The trouble was, nobody ever told her that memory hurt. She couldn't embrace her son, so she embraced the pain, and it a way it was easy, because the memory of him lingered everywhere. He was in the taste of every meal. She could hardly stomach a bite, because she didn't know a single dish she and Jessii hadn't cooked together, so she gave up all together and started living off ration bars. The smell of him blended into the spice burning on nearly every street as parents turned to drugs to bury the pain of their missing children. She could have gotten rich off it, if anyone would ever trust her on a decent run again.

Everywhere you looked there were people trying to avoid or bury their pain, but this world lacked the one thing that might have truly lightened their suffering: there were no new babies. It seemed like everyone had the same thought she did, in unspoken agreement. Why have another kid, when they would only get taken from you? She turned the medallion over once again, stroking it the way she once stroked her son's hair. She couldn't pull Jessii back to her, so she was going to leave him behind.

Then Poe showed up. It was those same moments from years ago all over again: all the reasons she wouldn't go with him, all the reasons he wouldn't stay. Only this time, whatever Poe had gotten himself caught up in, he wasn't about to abandon his friends. Those friends weren't her, they weren't even her son, but they were someone, and she wasn't going to stand here and play a part in leaving them on their own. The medallion left her hand to aid those who still had a chance to be saved, so long as someone got to them in time, like her son might have been saved if she'd been there at the right time. She couldn't take Jessii with her, so she was going to stay here and let Poe and his rebellion leave her behind.

In the end, she couldn't hold on to even the traces of her son. There was no more Kijimi, just as there was no more Jessii. She drifted through the darkness of space, homeless but for her ship, when she heard the call. "We are out here, and we need your help. Don't leave us to fight alone."

The transmission included coordinates guiding them to a Sith stronghold ready to join with the First Order, a place that could end the war for one side or the other. Maybe she wouldn't let herself get left this time. Maybe this time she would rise up to join them.

[dearmomimissyou]

Why do I keep putting myself in situations to get hurt. I know I'm gunna end up hurt from it and I still fucking do it. Probably need to talk to my therapist about this honestly.

Yesterday before work I was really struggling to get myself to get up and eat anything. I naively thought that if I called Manuel he wouldn't answer and that would somehow give me the energy to get up and eat something, or he would and I could ask him to pick me up to get food somewhere. Unfortunately when he answered I immediately started crying and he kinda got upset cause we take about not being emotional or whatever til he was ready so I hung up. After like twenty minutes of crying I texted him sorry and he immediately called me back and asked me how to set up a dual boot Linux on Windows and I stupidly googled it for him. Then he asked me to read him something so he could fall asleep and I fucking did that too. I kept reading til I finished the story even though he was already snoring. I should have hung up way sooner. But I even stayed on the line for a bit hoping he would wake up or some shit. Somehow it worked I guess cause I got dressed for work and walked to McDonald's to get a $1 10 piece nuggets. But as soon as I took a bite I started fucking crying. I texted Nemo and they immediately called me and we talked while I sat in McDonald's crying and shoving nuggets down my throat. They kept telling me how proud they are of me and all the work I've been doing but it doesn't feel like I've done anything ya know.

We talked so long before my shift that I had stopped crying by then and nobody said anything if I still looked like I had been crying so that was kinda nice I guess. For the most part the day was busy enough that I didn't think too much but when I was washing dishes or there was down time if start thinking about Manuel.

I skipped work today cause I was feeling shitty as fuck. I kept not getting up with my alarms til an hour before I had work and my head was pounding so I texted Orlando about it and he said that I could text jayden and see if he would pick my my shift from 5 to 9 but he didn't get back in time. I told Orlando that if he doesn't get back to me by 1 I'd go into work anyways and he said not to worry about it that they should be fine tonight with the crew they have. I ended up falling asleep again and waking up around 430 and just cuddled with Poe for a while before I got up and showered. I cried in the shower thinking about Manuel cause I sent Nemo a really long text right before about yesterday:

I think the reason I was crying yesterday BTW was because of Manuel. I stupidly thought since I don't feel the pull to talk to him every second of the day anymore that we could still be friends. We hung out on Monday and he told me that he quit his job because he was dating a coworker and they had a bad breakup and I think right before the breakup he had switched from coke to crack cause coke wasn't getting him high anymore and then we drove down Magna and memories of mom came up in addition to all that shit. Then Tuesday after the results I didn't wanna be alone so I asked him to hang out again and we laid some boundaries down after they were violated or whatever and ever since I've been feeling like fucking shit. Like he called me high on shrooms Wednesday night and I shoulda hung up cause that was one of the boundaries but I think I started slipping back into the same pattern. Now I'm thinking about him more and more and struggling to not cry again. It's not nearly as bad as it was at its peak but it's still not healthy

Then after the shower and thinking about it I sent them this as well:

And now part of me wants to reach out one last time and explain this shit all to him in the hopes that it makes him open up? But that's not fucking fair to either of us cause I know it's not gunna help me and it will just piss him off

They haven't responded because they're probably sleeping for work so I dumbly decided to call him and just ask why he wants to be friends with me like that was gunna fucking help anything. He said that he has fun hanging out with me or something to that effect I don't really remember because I was fucking crying again. Maybe that's why my head hurt so much this morning. It was the crying. He said he couldn't really talk cause he was hanging out with a friend and we hung up and I texted him that he could come over tonight if he wanted. No answer.

I need to just stop talking to him like I did before. He doesn't need an explanation unless he asks for one. This isn't fucking healthy for either of us. I don't know what I even fucking expect to get out of this. Like part of me wonders if I am in love with him, but it doesn't feel that way. I think it's just the bpd being obsessed with him for some reason. I wish I could fucking talk to him like an adult without fucking crying.

I've reached out to a few lesbians online so maybe I can get a partner and my mind with focus on them and not Manuel. I know that's probably not the healthy way to do it but I'm fucking desperate at this point. I'm scared it's going to become as intense as it was in September. I don't want to ever go back to that. Ever.

Maybe I should have my therapist read through these posts to better understand my thinking and shit. Idk.

Love you always.

[yaoiforboys]

Modern AU. The annual Tumbleweed Festival in Jakku, a small desert town no one wanted to actually live in but somehow thriving with suburbs full of wine moms and workaholic dads, was the highlight of the year. Grilling, games, pie eating contests, something called "corn hole." The works. Finn, a slightly frazzled new arrival who’s trying to get his life together, is in charge of the dunk tank. He doesn't know what it had to do with his job in the mayor's office, but he did what he was told. When he wasn't stuck manning it, he stood in the back, trying to keep as low of a profile as he could. He was already very out of place as it was though. It didn't matter much -- he had work to do placating his boyfriend, Poe. He was still living in the big city, and the conversation never really went well for him. Of course, Finn’s has felt the strain of their relationship since moving to this tiny town for work, and Poe's impatience was starting to wear thin. Even though he tried to find a quiet corner, the festival’s noise wasn't helping.

And neither was the asshole in the ridiculous cowboy hat and bright, mismatched outfit who just slid up, leaned on a nearby fence, and nearly shouted for everyone (and Poe) to hear: “It looks like someone’s having the least amount of fun here.”

Great. Kylo. The "life" of the party, but only if the party had no pulse.

Finn, already irritated from his argument, gave Kylo a short glance before turning away, clearly not in the mood for jokes. But Kylo didn’t give up that easily. Over the next hour, he kept popping up—trying to hand Finn a free peach, offering terrible advice for long-distance relationships, and at one point even attempting to “serenade” him with a bad karaoke performance at the festival’s main stage. Every time Finn turned around, there was Kylo—loud, confident, and impossible to ignore. The privileges of being a rich suburban kid. Apparently, his mom was someone, but being the mayor's protege helped, too.

After a while and no reaction, it seemed like Kylo got bored of him as usual though.

"Poe, for the last time, he's no one. If you could see what he was wearing you wouldn't be suspicious -- oh, come on, you know what I meant! We're clearly outside, Poe!"

At least, that's what Finn thought when he turned his eyes skyward at whatever Poe was saying.

[chloe-skywalker]

Expecting Twins - Poe Dameron (Part #1)

Poe x Fem!reader Solo

Warnings: none

Word count: 856

Summary: Y/n has been feeling sick lately so Poe and her mother Leia suggest she go to the medbay. Poe has to go on a mission so Leia goes with her. Turns out their expecting. With twins.

Authors Note: Part 2 will include telling Poe

Masterlist

STARWARS Masterlist

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“Sick again?” Poe asked coming into the bathroom in their shared room, kneeling down next to Y/n. He held her hair back out of her way.

“Yeah.” Y/n groaned, she was sick of being sick.

“I’m sorry.” He grimaced, wishing he could do something to help.

Y/n shook her head, he wasn’t to blame for her being sick. But it was nice that he sympathizes for her. “Not your fault.”

Poe sighed watching her get up and wash her mouth and face. Poe had been worried for awhile now, watching Y/n throw up for weeks. “Y/n/n I really think you should go to the medbay.” 

“It’s just a stomach bug.” Y/n waved him off.

Poe sighed, he’d been trying to get her to go for a while now and she just keeps refusing. “We got a meeting with your mom.”

“Ugh.” Y/n groaned at having to leave the comfort of their room.

^     ^     ^

“Poe. Y/n.” Leia greeted the young couple as they entered the command bay. Leia instantly noticed how her daughter didn’t look very well.

Y/n lifted her hand at her mom the best she could do to acknowledge at that moment since she had a sudden dizziness come over her for a second. Poe stopped beside her, resting a hand on her back just in case.

“Hey General.” Poe smiled and greeted his mother in law once they made it up onto the platform.

“Mom.” Y/n nodded trying to smile but she still feels a bit sick.

“Still not feeling well?” Leia raised a brow. Even though she was asking she already knew the answer, she is Y/n’s mother after all.

“No she’s not.” Poe answered before Y/n could speak. Which made the woman in question roll her eyes at their behavior.

“You need to go to the medbay.” Leia stated in her stern mom voice she used to use when Y/n was a child.

“Told you.” Poe smirked in a ‘I told you so way.’

“Well I’m making it an order.” Leia smirked as well. Y/n couldn’t refuse a direct order from her general or mother.

“Fine.” Y/n grumbled, annoyed that her mom and husband were ganging up on her.

“I’ll go with you.” Poe smiled happy that she would finally have to go and get checked out now.

“You can’t. I have a mission for you.” Leia spoke up, it was easy for her to notice the conflict on Poe’s face. “You won’t be gone long, it's a quick mission but you leave before lunch.”

Poe nodded, he hated that he wouldn’t be there but he’d be back as soon as possible. Poe tilted his head down to kiss her forehead. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Okay, love you.” Y/n smiled at him in understanding. She hates when he has to go but she knows it’s necessary.

“Love you too.” He smiled back before he left to go prepare his X-Wing.

That afternoon Poe took off and Y/n stood there watching him leave. He sent one last wave which Y/n returned before he left.

“Let’s get you to the medbay.” Leia offered her arm to her daughter as they turned to leave the hanger.

Once they got there the mother and daughter were put into a room, and there they sat and waited for the doctor to come in. Which didn’t take long.

“So, what are your symptoms?” The doctor asked.

“Achey, tired, puking all day.” Y/n listed, even though she hadn’t wanted to go she did kinda wanna know if something was wrong.

The doctor nodded with a smile. “I think I know what’s going on but let’s double check, okay. So how long has this been going on?”

Y/n glared at her mom, then her shoes before back at the doctor and she stated biting her lip. “If you ask Poe a month, if I tell you the truth about 2 an half.”

Y/n could feel her mother’s eyes on her but she choose to ignore it.

“Okay. Lean back for me. This is gonna be cold.” The doctor said as she squeezed some gel onto Y/n’s stomach, before moving a handle kind of thing around on top of her tummy.

“Well this is the reason your feeling sick.” The doctor started as she moved the wand thing away and wiped clean Y/n’s stomach. She smiled at Y/n before saying. “Your pregnant.”

“What?” Y/n raised her brows, jaw dropping in shock. Sure her and Poe had sex and sex create’s a baby but they’ve been very careful. The two wanted kids but not during such a dangerous time.

“Your pregnant Mrs.Dameron. And it looks like twins.” The doctor shared the news with the mother and daughter with a smile. The doctor left the room after to give them some time to digest the news.

As Y/n sat there with the news of being pregnant she couldn’t help but joke with herself that Poe was at fault for her being sick.

Taglist: @gruffle1 @padawancat97

[martianbugsbunny]

still not cool w James Earl Jones being dead

my first thought for years when mom texts me there's bad news has been is James Earl Jones dead. this time that was the bad news and even though I've expected it to happen forever it's still chewing me up inside. I didn't even know him but his voice is literally one of the first things I can consciously remember. Darth Vader has been seared into my heart since I was like three years old. The Treehouse of Horror where he narrated The Raven has been my favorite adaptation of it since I fell in love with Poe. His speech about baseball in Field of Dreams has always made me cry. Seeing his smile never fails to make me smile because it's so warm and beautiful. I've been dreading his death so hard for so long that I guessed right when my mom texted me that there was bad news because it's been the first thing on my mind for ages. And as I'm typing this, I'm wondering when she's going to text me there's bad news next, and if I'm going to instinctively wonder if he's dead before I remember he already is.