#THANK UUUU PIG YAYYYY ^_^

[npdkondraki]

making up for a deeply egregious wrong can you tell me uhh. why doesnt kondraki realizes shes tranfem like i know its in her subconcious but why doesnt she ever realize or act on that shit

the thing is i do think shes like. Aware. like she isnt completely clueless about it. kondraki is stupidly knowledgable about most queer things, probably primarily because her son draven is bisexual and like in his mid 20s and probably has taught her some things + just the fact that she works with a lot of people who are younger and, because of the way she acts around most of them, view her as a semi-safe haven* (*likely exacerbated by her being insanely supportive of her openly bi son). so i do think she like . Knows.

its just that i dont believe that she's aware its Possible for Her Specifically. she's aware that OTHER people can transition and live happy lives, but she doesnt care about herself enough to ever really consider that if she transitioned then she could also live happily. she doesnt reflect on her own actions in any way that actually makes her want to change, instead just beating herself up for everything she does. with the way she specifically talks about being a woman i think she does just view as something thats just . forever out of reach for Her Specifically. tbh i think even if she like KNEW she could transition she still wouldnt. shes deeply set in her ways and incredibly stubborn to any change, so bringing this up wouldnt really do any good and would probably just make her regress further.

also like. The Dreaded Emasculation. she firmly believes that she HAS to be masculine to be valued, and if she isnt then what good is she? she believes that if she cant fulfill what people think of her as* (*the big scary site director of site-17** (**important note that she views masculinity as something scary. glances at camera office style. just an interesting note i wanted to mention. for no reason. ^_^.)) then she won't be worth anything. this is in direct contrast to her genuine compassion and care for people around her which only further emasculates her and thereby makes her more stubborn to the idea of being a woman. being viewed by OTHER people as what she THINKS women are* (*weak, soft, emotional, hysterical, etc) is her worst fucking nightmare so she goes out of her way to be the opposite of that idea* (*which. inadvertently wraps around to her being exactly that. but thats a different issue kind of LOL LMFAO EVEN)

she views doing anything that would benefit her in such a bizarre idea of it both making her weaker and her deserving it that its kind of hard to say Exactly why she doesnt transition but. thumbs up hope this gets the point across ^_^

tldr it just doesnt register as something she can do bc shes too stubborn to ever even so much as Consider that she could just transition and live soooo so so happy forever + she views it as emasculating lol lmfao. sucks to be her