#The Complete Roadrunner Collection

[k-i-l-l-e-r-b-e-e-6-9]

Sepultura - Attitute

[doomandgloomfromthetomb]

The Modern Lovers - Sword in the Stone, Boston, Massachusetts, 1972

People! It's 2024 — and there's still no definitive boxed set collecting the complete works of the original Modern Lovers! This seems like a major oversight ... there are probably an array of dumb business reasons it hasn't happened, but some enterprising reissue label has got to put all the puzzle pieces together in chronological / cleaned up form, telling the story of this still-so-unique and ahead of its time band. The demos, the live recordings, all of it. Paging Numero Group?!

Until then, why not enjoy a new-to-me audience tape of the gang in their hometown of Boston, playing the Sword In The Stone coffeehouse on Charles St. One more stoney night — another killer Modern Lovers recording comes from the Stonehenge club up in Ipswich.

It's a bit unclear what the actual date for the Sword In The Stone gig is, but I'm thinking it's late in the year, after the band went out to west coast to record demos with John Cale (and apparently hang out with Gram Parsons). Prove me wrong! This is the classic quartet — Jonathan Richman, Jerry Harrison, David Robinson and Ernie Brooks — and they sound terrific. Messy, brilliant and beautiful, with Jonathan leading everyone across the astral plane. The only bummer is that the "Plea For Tenderness" here is only a fragment, and the tape ends before the final song, which I'm guessing was an epic jam on "Roadrunner." Otherwise, a sweet trip back to the Old World.

Ernie Brooks: At some of the early shows Jonathan would set up an easel, and he’d place his drawings on it. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of the drawings, but I have a copy of a poster that he drew; it’s of the Modern Lovers—a cartoon of the four of us with a heart flying over the band. It’s got the highway in the background and stuff. And he had this picture of a girl in the suburban town in Massachusetts where she lived and a picture of the hospital she ended up in, and while pointing to the drawings he’d recite the lyrics before he did the song. 

Photo: Jeff Albertson

[vinylspinning]

Mercyful Fate: The Beginning (1987)

In recognition of Pride Month 2024 and all my friends in the LGBTQIA+ community, it's time to showcase some colored vinyl in a rainbow sequence, so here comes orange ...

Denmark's greatest contribution to heavy metal (sorry, Lars), Mercyful Fate tragically delivered just two, massively influential and revered studio long-players in 1983's Melissa and '84's Don't break the Oath, then broke up when frontman King Diamond embarked on his own celebrated solo career.

Some of the band's earliest supporters may have scored a copy of '82's increasingly rare Mercyful Fate EP (a.k.a. Nuns Have No Fun), but Roadrunner Records wasn't about to leave the rest of the band's ever-growing legion of fans in F.O.M.O. Land.

So in '87, the label assembled the four cuts from said EP, plus another four rarities into a must-have 'odds and sods' collection they unimaginatively, but accurately, dubbed The Beginning.

And what, to some of you today, may seem like a greedy cash-in wasn't just very necessary in those dark days before the Internet, Napster, etc., but an enduring reminder of why Mercyful Fate is one of the pivotal bands in heavy metal history.

In these songs, discerning listeners can hear the distilled, subliminal legacy of '70s hard rock, fermented with the New Wave of British Heavy Metal, and matured in a foreshadowing of the extreme metal diaspora (thrash, black, death, grind, etc.) soon to follow.

It's all there in the dynamic King Diamond/Hank Shermann songwriting partnership that spawned early classics like "Doomed by the Living Dead, "A Corpse Without Soul," and the hysterical combo of "Nuns Have No Fun" (hysterically funny) and "Devil Eyes" (just plain hysterical, thanks to Diamond's falsetto chorus).

Side two unearths three, incredibly raw, flawless, and powerful renditions (trust me, you'll feel like you are there) of Melissa's "Curse of the Pharaohs," "Evil," and the epic "Satan's Fall," from an in-studio session for England's Friday Rock Show, recorded on March 19, 1983.

Finally, fans still hungry for more (as they should be) get M.F.'s only non-album B-side in "Black Masses," and an early version of "Black Funeral" from the Metallic Storm compilation, both of which tied a neat bow -- I mean, a tourniquet -- around the band's discography.

Or so we thought until the following year's Return of the Vampire collection, which, in my opinion, did get a little greedy as it dug even deeper for unfinished demos and abandoned, sub-par songs, but still delivered a golden nugget or two.

So, for those of you who simply cannot live with just two original Mercyful Fate LPs and, like me, find the reunion albums to be decent but not transcendent, you can't go wrong chasing down a copy of The Beginning -- it'll certainly be cheaper and more complete than that out-of-print EP.

p.s. -- When I worked at Roadrunner, my bosses, who knew about my parallel experience writing for the All-Music Guide, asked me to pen the liner notes for a CD reissue series called the Two from the Vault, but I wound up using very few words from that here.

More Mercyful Fate: Mercyful Fate EP, Melissa, Don’t Break the Oath; plus King Diamond: “No Presents for Christmas,” Fatal Portrait, Abigail,“Them”, Conspiracy.

[27fm]

Playlist 31.10.2023

Misfits - Halloween (The Misfits Box Set - 1996) Fields Of The Nephilim - For Her Light (1990 - Elizium - 1999) Dälek - 2012 (The Pillage) (Gutter Tactics - 2009) A Place To Bury Strangers - Slide (Worship - 2012) Type O Negative - My Girlfriend's Girlfriend (The Complete Roadrunner Collection 1991-2003 - 2013) Brandenburg - Mouthpiece (Empires Will Fall - 2013) Motorama - Pine (Bear Ep - 2009) Samhain - Let The Day Begin (November Coming Fire - ) Chelsea Wolfe - Advice & Vices (The Grime And The Glow - 2012) The Hex Dispensers - Young Blood In The River (III - 2015) Love Like Blood - Johannesburg (Flags Of Revolution - 1992) The Sisters Of Mercy - First & Last & Always (First And Last And Always - 1985) Fotocrime - Autonoir (Principle Of Pain - 2018) Calabrese - And In The End…I Am Nothing (Flee The Light - 2019)

[g-b-m-s]

Dear Cassandra Peterson;

I am so sorry.

To you, I am but one of those many anonymous faces you saw at New York Comic Con this year, but to me, I will ALWAYS remember that I RAN FROM YOU.

I thought after meeting David Boreanaz the Friday before and completely losing my fucking chill when he said the word "heart" as he signed a freaking heart (and then I went skipping away like a nearly 40 year old little girl)... maybe after that I'd have a little poise when I met you.

I severely overestimated my capacity for anything resembling composure.

Chistopher Lloyd melted by entire being under his FREAKING LEGENDARY status and nearly broke me by simply saying 'Excuse me for a second' (is death by Random Politeness possible? Probably. Don't tell the Canadians, they'll have too much power.) I don't think I made an ass of myself in front of him because he went away for two minutes and gave me the gift of being able to mentally collect my shit before being confronted with him again.

The same cannot be said for Tom Welling. He looked into my very soul with his stupid adorable face and hypnotic freaking blue eyes that made me blush. He, inevitably, thinks I'm a complete nutjob but oddly I can take that better than "Possibly Late for a Track Meet in Jersey."

And then You, You Freaking Goddess. That line was monsterous and the long wait did nothing to de-escalate my home-grown anxiety as I thought of every single speck of impact you have made of my stupid life. I now have a picture of you looking like The Fucking Icon You Are while my tall blonde Eastern European Characature looking ass is caught mid freak out with a blush and clench worthy of being photographed mid electroshock.

I am not a shy person. I'm loud, I'm brash, with tendancy to ramble and make everything a joke, I should probably look into cyborg enhancements to filter my language in front of the general public, but I'm not shy.

That was 10 year old me, she was shy. 10 year old me loved B-Movies and had a hidden goth streak and was increadibly shy. 10 year old me found Elvira and laughed maniacally at her little TV at freaking balls-early o'clock watching the worst freaking movies on the face of the planet.

The someone told me you used Elvira to gain confidence over your scars and somehow that... propelled me? I'm pretty tall and kinda large. Add a unibrow. And blonde. Basically gender swap Lurch from the Addams family and the mental picture is complete.

But You happened and I became me. ...Well. Wax helped, too, but it was probably mostly you. I got joke boobie tassles for my 18th birthday and was in charge of my university's Rocky Horror Picture Show for a very damn long time when by all means I probably should not.

Now I'm not blaming solely you for this completely marvelous human trainwreck I've become, but I so, SO wanted to thank the crap out of you for what you did when I was a kid, much less everything you've done since (I, too, suck at sexuality labels and you are revered by my household as The Elder Gay, All Hail.)

I was so excited to meet you, I didn't care that there was plexiglass between us (I mean, Covid remnants and Comic Con people...? Yeah, good call). I didn't care that the lady taking the photo was all GTFO about it (there were indeed a million people as crazy about you as I) but I can't help but be beyond horrified that I was unable to convey my complete adoration and unending thanks to you with my eyes before RUNNING AWAY.

Hopefully the Roadrunner-esque cartoon dust kicked up in my wake was able to convey all that.

I shall always have The Regret.

Sincerely,

gbMS

[giantroboticplatypusbutt218]

Okay so I was looking at the Loonatics Unleashed fandom wiki for no particular reason I swear and I have come across some mildly interesting discoveries about the content of said wiki. I guess this is like... kind of a weird partial wiki review? Is that strange? Under the cut, some spoilers, yadda yadda yadda.

1.  Something I couldn’t stop thinking about after watching the show was the fact that Ace and Lexi have like... no interesting personality. Since the wiki was right there I figured, “Hey, there’s usually a personality section on their character pages, maybe I just didn’t notice something.” So I looked at Ace’s page. 

His personality section is tiny. And what is there is stuff like, “he may have a sweet tooth,” and he’s, “cool, calm, and collected,” three words which basically mean the same thing. 

Next I checked Lexi’s page... which... hilariously... did not even have a personality section. But don’t worry guys! She’s got a section unique to her called, “fashion sense,” which goes into great detail about her not wanting to look fat.

Curious, I checked the other characters pages as well. 

Slam, unlike Lexi, has a personality section, which is incredible, considering he’s on screen for a fraction of the time she is. But Lexi is not alone in having no personality(according to the wiki) as Rev apparently doesn’t have one either. Like, come on. Nobody editing the wiki could think of one trait that he has? Even Slam got a line about having great battle strategy. Nothing about being enthusiastic or fiddling with Tech’s things or desiring his dad’s approval? Uh, okay then. Speaking of Tech... he got one line about being warm hearted and protective of his inventions... Yep. That’s... definitely all his traits... Totally... Ugh... 

Duck has a fully fleshed out personality section, which, makes sense since he has a very well defined personality and most interesting interactions with the rest of the cast. There are still problems with it though, like talking about his powers in the wrong section and another thing I’ll go over later.

2.  Also along the lines of the “Ace is bland” thought I had, his Powers and Abilities section is pathetically short. I mean, he has four tiny bullet points: One is about having great agility which isn’t needed because another point is that he’s skilled at martial arts which requires great agility. There’s his laser vision, and then apparently he has infrared vision? I mean, I’ll believe the wiki this time but I straight up do not remember that. It must have been one of those things that wasn’t brought up much. (Also it didn’t mention his swordsmanship which is strange.)

Most of the other characters’ sections of their abilities are pretty standard, but I have to note that Rev’s section is MASSIVE. One of his listed “abilities” is literally the ability to talk which uh... is strange. It’s noted that he talks fast, but that just seems to be a common trait of roadrunners as far as I can tell. Rip was the strange one for talking at a slower pace. Either way... I guess the ability to speak is an ability. Strange to put it side-by-side next to things like “super speed” and “flight” though...

3.  There is straight up incorrect information and strange assumptions in a few places. A lot of those things come from Rev’s page and specifically his Trivia section. 

Small complaint first, the page mentions the sound the original Roadrunner makes a couple of times and spells it as “meep, meep,” which the actual sound is “beep, beep,” an imitation of a car horn. Pedantic, I know. 

Okay first true complaint, the wiki assumes Rev’s the youngest solely based on the fact that he’s hyper. Uh... he could also be hyper because, and stay with me here, his power is super speed... and also some people are just hyper? IDK. I have to mention he seems like someone that would’ve gone to college given his family’s wealth and history with being engineers, along with his own technical knowledge, making him similar in age to Tech and Lexi. But odds are all members of the team are college aged and none of them are notably older or younger than the others. (Wait the Trivia page mentioned him being hyper but he still didn’t get a personality section with “hyper” in it???)

Another incorrect “fact” in the trivia section is that Rev’s the only character whose family is shown in the show. It was brief, but we saw Duck’s parents in the flashback of him and Pinkster in the orphanage. Yeah they’re just some boring humans but they’re still his parents. 

I guess this counts as a complaint? Uh, maybe I’m missing something, but the wiki claims Duck has sibling relationships with both Ace and Lexi, which... like... I swear I don’t recall from actually watching the show. I do recall him calling Lexi “sister” at least once, but like, in a sassy friend sort of way? And I just... straight up don’t recall him and Ace having any interactions that would denote them as being brother like. Is this just someone deciding that being Good Friends that learn from each other constitutes a sibling relationship again? I’ve seen it happen before. (Don’t ask, it’s stupid.)

Lastly, whoever wrote Lexi’s page seems desperate to ship her with Ace, but like, as professionally as possible. The section on her relationship to Ace is like “their relation is unclear, but she could possibly LooOOoove him~” Then it goes on to scrape for every time she showed concern for him, but also says she keeps her emotions hidden? Guys there’s a word for when someone is in a mutually caring relationship that isn’t a romance. It’s called being friends. Best Friends if it’s a little deeper than normal. Shhh. It’s okay. I know a man and a woman being friends is scary but it can happen. Everything will be fine. 

4.  As I’ve ironically noted a few times already, there are a bunch of redundant pieces of information on some of their pages. Most of the time I think it’s just due to padding. Like, Lexi has 4 bits of trivia and one is, “she likes video games,” and another is, “she’s good at video games.” You uh... couldn’t just make those both one point, huh? I’m not gonna count information being repeated through sections because sometimes context is important. 

-

Yeah so reading the wiki was... something. I mean I don’t blame the wiki of a 2005 Looney Tunes spin off for not being the most well loved and complete, and I’m sure it’s probably been vandalized a few times for lols, but I just thought this stuff was worth noting nonetheless. Mostly it means I can’t entirely trust the wiki when it comes to information regarding the show. 

[foodbytesback]

FBB Book Club: Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain

I want to say right off the bat that I don’t really know much about Anthony Bourdain.  I know he was a famous chef, with a (ok, several) popular TV show(s).  I know he tragically took his own life.  Until now, my only understanding of his personality was a gifset I saw on Tumblr where he’s dining with some people presumably from somewhere in the British Commonwealth and they toast “To the Queen!” and he shoots them all an “are-you-out-of-your-fucking-minds” sideways glance.

When I received a copy of Kitchen Confidential as a Christmas gift shortly after declaring my interest in going into the food industry all those years ago, I set it aside, having little interest in books, let alone the guy posing with 2 swords on the cover.  Even in college, my pretentious obsession with books had more to do with owning them- and showing off my collection to flaunt how smart I must be- than actually reading them.  And not even his passing and the surrounding controversy piqued my interest, or, perhaps, I didn’t want to look like a poser who only cared because he was now dead or someone who worshiped “suffering artists” (in hindsight, a very Bourdain thing to be afraid of). But now, Roadrunner, a new Anthony Bourdain documentary, coming out and my inaction towards getting internet set up at my new apartment (which has, by now, since been remedied) have created a perfect storm for sitting down and reading the damn thing.

He says in the new introduction of the “updated” version I have that he wanted to write a book that fellow cooks would find relatable and entertaining rather than any sort of exposee, so I think I’ll mostly focus on how relatable it is to my own experience in the industry

The book opens with Bourdain regaling us with how he fell in love with food in the first place.  And while I can’t say I can relate to his tale of how having a bowl of vichyssoise and the subsequent revelation of “soup can be cold” blowing his mind, there was a bit from those early chapters that did really strike a chord with me.  After spending one summer working his first ever restaurant job, he returns the next summer to find that a (much busier) competitor bought out the place, but was willing to hire back former staff members.  He spends his first shift at the new restaurant running his mouth about how great he was at the last place, gets his ass kicked by the dinner rush, and eventually burns his hand.  When he asks for some burn cream, one of the more seasoned cooks looks him in the eyes, reaches into the broiler and pulls out a sizzle pan bare-handed.  Replace the arrogance about the last place he worked with my arrogance about being one year into culinary school (and then also dial the drama back a bit), and this was basically my experience at my first real restaurant job.  He managed to stick around- albeit bumped down to a prep cook and kept as far away from the line as possible- while I got fired after about a month (although they ended up going under a few months later, so I guess I had the last laugh). Either way- after such humbling experiences we were both driven by pure spite to prove them all wrong.

Some of his remarks on his time spent at the Culinary Institute of America also mirror my own experiences in Paul Smith’s College’s culinary program, mainly the focus on dying, classical French techniques- even if I more closely resembled the “pimple-face bedwetters” that he had to deal with in classes than a young Bourdain himself (and, to give Paul Smith’s some credit, they did make more of an effort to teach modern techniques than 1970s’ CIA).  And I can confirm, between myself and a few other people I knew from school, that his later comments about how culinary school grads are full of shit are completely true.  

Another thing that really struck a chord with me was his mention of a restaurant going under can haunt the location for years; in addition to the restaurant I mentioned having my first real job at I can think of at least 2 other restaurants in town that have opened and reclosed under new aliases some many times now that we all joke about how the buildings must be cursed.  And my heart fluttered when he mentioned a micromanaging (in a good way) restaurant owner he previously worked for keeping his ordering sheets organized by where the product was stored, as all of my experience with ordering has been with order sheets that were very much not that, dooming me to wander in circles as I check par levels.  

I could ramble on and on about how I can find things to relate to in each of his anecdotes (short of the one job where he walked in on the first day to find cooks running guns out of the prep room, I can’t say I’ve seen that).  Or, at least theoretically- as much of the latter half of the book deals more with the managerial side of chefdom that I’ve yet to experience firsthand. My point is: Anthony Bourdain set out to write a book by a cook, for cooks, and he hit the nail on the head.   He somehow conveys all the stress-fueled chaos of the industry, all the hyper-masculine, drug-riddled and violent cooks, the insufferable temperatures and tight quarters of the lines, the clueless customers and even more clueless restaurant owners, all with a gravitas that neither condemns nor condones it, telling it like it is without bragging about how he’s “gonna tell it like it is.”  Bourdain speaks truth in a way that, no matter how outlandish it may sound, you can’t help but eat up every word.

It almost makes me nostalgic, wishing I had never given up the never-ending ticket snakes and the thrill of the dinner rush in favor of air-conditioned, corporate kitchens of grocery stores.

Almost.

[sagehaleyofficial]

HERE’S WHAT YOU MISSED THIS WEEK (7.14-7.20.21):

NEW MUSIC:

Memphis May Fire released another new song titled “Death Inside,” following the release of their previous single “Blood & Water.” The song is accompanied by a new music video.

Written by Wolves shared another taste of their upcoming EP The Collab Project. The band released a new version of the song “Better Luck Next Time” featuring Hands Like Houses’ Trenton Woodley.

Spanish Love Songs shared a new track, a B-side from last year's Brave Faces Everyone. The track is called “Phantom Limb,” which comes alongside a cover of Death Cab for Cutie's “Black Out the Friction.”

Underoath returned with their first new music since the release of their 2018 album Erase Me. The song, titled “Damn Excuses,” follows the band playing their albums in full from the surroundings of the Observatory last year.

Andrew W.K. released a new song titled “Everybody Sins.” The song is taken from his upcoming album God is Partying, which is set for release on September 27 via Napalm Records.

Following its announcement via billboard, Turnstile revealed all the details of their new album Glow On. The full-length is set for release on August 27 via Roadrunner Records and includes their new song “Alien Love Call.”

Waterparks released a new music video for their song “Fruit Roll Ups,” off their latest album Greatest Hits. Stills from the music video can be found inside of the limited edition versions of the album’s physical copies.

NOAHFINNCE released a new song titled “Mind Blank No Thoughts,” his second track under Hopeless Records. It follows on from his previous single “Stupid,” which came out earlier this year.

Capstan released one more track off of their upcoming album Separate titled “Blurred Around the Edges.” The song contains a saxophone solo performed by Saxl Rose.

Lights and Deadmau5 joined forces once more for a new track called “When the Summer Dies.” The pair previously collaborated on the song “Break Free” in 2018.

Chunk! No, Captain Chunk! released a third single off their upcoming album Gone Are the Good Days titled “Complete You.” The song also features an appearance from The Dangerous Summer's AJ Perdomo.

Dirty Heads shared a new song titled “Rage” featuring Travis Barker and The Interrupters’ Aimee Allen. The track can be found on the band’s brand new Greatest Hits, which is out now via Better Noise Music.

Foo Fighters released their highly-anticipated Bee Gees’ cover EP titled Hail Satin. The new release features different takes on classic hits such as “You Should Be Dancing” and “Night Fever,” among others.

Hawthorne Heights released a new track titled “Constant Dread” featuring Counterparts’ Brendan Murphy. It's the first new music from the band since the release of Lost Frequencies, a collection of B-sides and rarities released in 2019.

TOUR ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Holding Absence performed their new album The Greatest Mistake of My Life live for a special livestream. The band have also uploaded footage of them playing the song “Curse Me With Your Kiss” following the event.

PVRIS announced they will be playing three new songs on their upcoming summer tour. The tour will kick off on August 6 in Detroit and end on September 2 in Los Angeles.

Set It Off released a video for their track “Happy All the Time” that also features Issues' Skyler Acord and the Compton Kidz Club. The acoustic rendition comes off their latest EP Midnight (The Final Chapter).

KennyHoopla and Travis Barker made an appearance for Audacy Music. The pair of musicians performed tracks from their recent collab EP Survivors Guilt, including the singles “Estella” and “Hollywood Sucks.”

Boston Manor revealed that they are rescheduling their UK tour until early 2022, adding Movements and Jools to the roster. The tour will now begin on February 10 in London and end on February 18 in Southampton.

Fall Out Boy and Weezer performed on Good Morning America late last week. The former band performed their hit song “Uma Thurman” while the latter played their new song “Hero.”

Green Day announced that they are going to be playing a surprise “Hella Mega” warm-up show in Tulsa tonight. The band will be making an appearance at Cain's Ballroom.

The Offspring recorded a short set at SIR Studios in Los Angeles, performing songs off their recent album Let the Bad Times Roll. The band are going to be headed to the UK for an arena tour later this year, supported by The Hives.

OTHER NEWS:

My Chemical Romance once again teamed up with HipDot to produce a special collection of make-up based around their Danger Days era. The collection is being made to order with the pre-sale open for a full week between July 22-29.

Halsey revealed that her new album If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power is to be presented in the form of an iMAX experience. Tickets for the event are going to be available from August 3.

One OK Rock revealed that they have surpassed one billion streams of their songs on Spotify. The band revealed the news alongside a photo of them with a trophy to commemorate the achievement.

Black Veil Brides announced the details of a comic book series to go with their new album The Phantom Tomorrow. They also revealed plans for an action figure based on the album’s original character.

Weezer’s song “All My Favourite Songs” is officially the No. 1 song on Alternative Radio in the United States right now. The song had a 20% increase in plays over the last week, putting it above AJR's “Way Less Sad.”

___

Check in next Tuesday for more “Posi Talk with Sage Haley,” only at @sagehaleyofficial!

[goneseriesanalysis]

Astrid Ellison

So here are my opinions on Astrid Ellison from book 1. Astrid was the character on which my opinion changed the most, which is why it’s taken me so long to get my thoughts together. Sorry for the length again but it seems I have a talent for ✨rambling✨

Spoilers for Gone by Michael Grant down below

Original Opinion: Astrid was one of my least favourite characters. I remember finding her irritating and self-righteous and honestly couldn’t think of a single good thing to say about her.

New Opinion: Astrid was my favourite character in this book. She had moments where I found her slightly irritating - but I think that was Michael struggling to right a smart character more than anything else. She was so kind and brave and not at all like the emotionless and manipulative girl that I remember hating at the grand age of 14. 

1.) Astrid’s appearance - Astrid is one of the better described characters in Gone. In the first chapter we find out that she “had shoulder-length blonde hair, and liked to wear starched white short-sleeved blouses that never failed to catch Sam’s eye.” This description immediately establishes her as Sam’s love interest, from her being the first character to get a proper description to Sam’s clear infatuation with her. This is perhaps one of the reasons why I’m not a huge fan of their relationship – it was obvious from page 3 that they were going to end up together.  We get three other main descriptions of Astrid throughout the book that really stood out to me:

“Her normally sharp, discerning blue eyes were wide, with way too much white showing” – Chapter 1

“She sat in the big white wicker rocker with her feet propped up on the railing. Her bare legs were blazing white in the sunshine.” – Chapter 20

“The starched white blouses of the pre-FAYZ had given way to t-shirts” – Chapter 28

What really stood out to me in these descriptions is the repeated use of the colour white. Now, in religion white is symbolic of faith, innocence and sacrifice, all of which really seem to fit the characterisation of Astrid. She has a lot of faith in the beginning, not only in God but also in herself. She is relatively confident in who she is and in her place in the world. As the book continues, however, she begins to lose this faith. As she sacrifices more of her time to the care of Little Pete (I really don’t like how Michael constantly treated him as a burden but that is a topic for another post), she becomes less and less confident in her faith and begins to resent what she has become. 

As for Astrid’s innocence, I believe this is more of an insight into how Sam views her as opposed to how she actually is. Astrid is intelligent and brave and caring (although a lot of the time I think she struggles to show it) – but is she innocent?? I don’t think so, at least not in the traditional sense. She has grown up as a parent, been forced to mature faster than other children her age. She is Little Pete’s constant defender, and I think in this way Sam underestimates her. As the book continues, he begins to see this, with her staple white blouses transforming into t-shirts, he begins to see her for who she is. 

2.) Astrid’s Personality and Character - Aside from Astrid’s intelligence and religious beliefs, Astrid has a very well-rounded personality. She is brave and kind-hearted but seems somewhat socially inept, meaning that the softer side of her personality is often hidden by her cool exterior. (I think there is a possibility that Astrid is autistic-coded but I don’t know enough about the topic to develop this point past mere observation). She takes on the role of a mother to Little Pete and this calmer, kinder, and more protective side of Astrid is often shown in small moments throughout the books. Astrid is the first person to offer comfort to Quinn when he realises his parents are missing, and it is only once she does this that Quinn finally allows himself to fall apart (Chapter 2). She places a hand on his shoulder and for the first night is the one who hears out Quinn’s wild theories, instead of shooting them down (cough cough Sam). 

Her relationship with Little Pete is a complicated one. While she often seems resentful about her new position as a guardian, it feels like her resentment towards Little Pete is a way for her to mask her anger at things that are beyond her control. She is furious that the FAYZ has left her without parents, and is even more furious because she can’t truly understand why it has happened. So, to stop these feelings of helplessness, she targets her resentment towards the person she is closest do (as most of us unfortunately do when we feel this way). But despite her anger, her unconditional love always wins out. And this is one of the things I absolutely adored about her when re-reading. Despite her often feeling trapped by her new role in Little Pete’s life, she is still willing to distance herself from Sam, Edilio and Quinn (who are, as far as we know, the closest thing she has to friends) in order to keep him safe. She realises that Little Pete caused the FAYZ in chapter 11 and, even when Sam confronts her, her first move is to defend LP – she is not concerned with what they think of her, only with the safety of her brother. 

Further on in the book, after Drake forces her to call Little Pete a slur, she is horrified with herself. She gives almost no thought to the pain she went through stating that “now she was far more angry at herself than she had ever been at him.” I think this really just shows how devoted Astrid is to her brother and, when you remember that she is only 14 it really is amazing how strong she forces herself to be for him. I began to notice on this read through just how much she neglects her own emotions and wellbeing in favour of protecting others (she even shields LP with her own body when the church collapses on top of them and we get no indication as to how injured SHE is). Once again her thoughts are only on her brother. While I wish she had made more of an effort to communicate with Little Pete in a way that he could understand (the few times she does this in the book, he does respond well and it would have been interesting to develop this side of their relationship more, rather than just the one sided protector/protected dynamic), when you think about her age and the trauma that she must be experiencing, I think she does exceptionally well to stay so kind, patient and collected for the majority of the time.

 One thing that really surprised me the most when revisiting Astrid’s character was her immense bravery. This is a huge part of her character that I had completely forgotten about, leading me to remember her as little more than a typical damsel in distress. While she often uses her intelligence as a defence mechanism, such as in Chapter 15 when she stands up to Diana, in times when a verbal smack down is inappropriate, she is perfectly willing to put herself in danger in order to protect those that she cares about. We first see this in chapter 10 when she breaks up the fight on the highway. We see it again when Panda and Quinn attack Little Pete, with one of my favourite quotes of the whole book, “Did you throw a rock at my brother?’ Astrid yelled. Fearless in her outrage.” It reminds me so much of the Frankenstein quote “I am fearless and therefore powerful” and was the point in the book where my past prejudices got completely wiped away and were replaced by my new love for her. She cares so much about people, and gets hardly any recognition for it. I just want to give her a hug 😥

Another thing I noticed about Astrid, which I thinks fit’s in really well with the idea of her being this awkward social outcast (I mean did she even have any friends before??) is that while many pop culture references are made by a variety of characters, Astrid makes multiple references to historical figures:

“Patrick was named for Patrick Star, the not-very-bright character on Spongebob” – Lana’s pov Chapter 2

“It’s like a roadrunner cartoon” – Quinn Chapter 9

“I’ll bet you’re one of those brainy Lisa Simpson types” – Diana Chapter 14

“Let me guess, you’re secretly a wizard who was raised by muggles.” – Sam Chapter 21

“And this isn’t exactly the time for me to consult Yoda on how to use my power” – Sam Chapter 26

“..an ornate, heavy iron thing that Coates kids joked was the tenth Nazgul” – Jack’s pov Chapter 32

“Too bad Dr Phil’s not around.” – Diana 39

VS

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” – Astrid Chapter 5

“To understand this you’d have to be Einstein or Heisenburg or Feynman, on that level” – Astrid Chapter 13

“Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. I forgot who said it.” – Astrid Chapter 17

I don’t have much else to say about this other than I find it quite interesting and I think it perfectly highlights how Astrid never quite fits in, no matter how hard she tries. 

3.) Astrid’s Intelligence - Astrid’s intelligence is mainly used for world building throughout the first book. It is from Astrid that we learn the full story of the power plant incident, learn that the barrier is a dome and are introduced to the idea of animal mutations, as well as many theories about the outside world/ what caused the FAYZ (although those last theories are a misdirection on her part). This works well for the most part as it means that important information can be spaced evenly throughout the book, without the need for info-dumps. However, sometimes Michael’s attempts to showcase Astrid’s intelligence were, I think, a little on the nose and took me out of the story. The worst offender for this, in my opinion, is in chapter 2 with the line “Is that meant to be a pro forma reassurance or a specific commitment?” This is a really nit-picky complaint but this line just really bugged me as it seemed like he was making her smart for the sake of being smart and it kind of came off as annoying. I know one of her character flaws is her social awkwardness but this just felt too much. I love the way she over-explains and over-analyses things when she’s nervous, and I think her constant referencing to things that the other characters just don’t understand perfectly demonstrate this flaw, but lines like this seemed a little irritating and obnoxious. 

The secondary use for Astrid’s intelligence in this book is as her primary line of defence. Her intellect is something that she prides herself on, but it is also something that separates her from everyone else. People are intimidated by her, and, as a result, she has learned to use her intelligence as a weapon when necessary. This is clearly seen in chapter 14, when Diana tries to intimidate her and Astrid immediately starts asking Diana questions about the cause of the FAYZ (questions that she knows Diana has no answer to). It’s later seen in chapter 22. When Drake begins to bully Astrid into calling LP a slur, she fights back by explaining that said slur is outdated; explaining the meaning of it; and then explaining how it does not fit LP anyway. While she knows that she cannot use her physical strength, her intellect is something that she can weaponise in certain situations in order to protect herself and those she loves. Her proficiency in this tactic also leads me to believe that Astrid has probably been in similar situations before. Everyone in Perdido Beach seems to know about LP. Is that why she has no friends?? Has she distanced herself from her peers in order to protect LP from their ignorance, whether consciously or not??

4.) Astrid and Religion - I don’t have as much to say about this, as I’m not religious myself and have very little understanding of Christianity (Or Catholicism – I’m actually not sure which Astrid is meant to be so if anyone knows I would appreciate it), but I feel like this is a such a huge part of who Astrid is that I had to at least mention it. One thing that I do like is Astrid’s seemingly constant battle between her scientific beliefs and her religious beliefs. While she does believe in God, she won’t accept him as an explanation for the FAYZ, and still looks for a scientific answer. Her relationship with religion seems to act as more of a moral guideline rather than a fundamental belief system. She looks to God for guidance and support in times of trouble, such as at Bette’s funeral (Chapter 17), as she is being chased by Drake (Chapter 24) and when the church is collapsed on top of her (Chapter 45) and seems to be convinced that her morality is directly tied to her faith. However, she relies on facts (things she can explain and control) for true comfort, and doesn’t allow her faith to interfere with her action. I think these ideas are perfectly encompassed by this quote from Chapter 40 “No. I believe in free will. I think we make our own decisions and carry out our own actions. And our actions have consequences. The world is what we make it. But I think sometimes we can ask God to help us and He will.” – And I am quite excited to see how her faith/ loss of faith changes her perceptions in the later books. 

5.) Astrid’s Role in The Book - For the most part, Astrid has three main roles in this book:

- To act as LP’s protector

 -To act as a source of plot-relevant and world building information to the reader

-To be Sam’s main motivation is becoming the leader

And this, in my opinion, is a phenomenal waste. Astrid was the perfect candidate for the leader of the FAYZ, and giving the role to Sam made no sense?? I think what Michael was trying to do was suggest that Sam had to be the leader instead of Astrid because, while Astrid is the intelligent one who knows how to work people, Sam is the one who people look to when things go wrong. (Think of Katniss and Peeta’s dynamic in The Hunger Games). But, it just doesn’t work. For one, we know that what the people of Perdido Beach think has very little effect on leadership. There was no uproar when Caine took over. Were people scared and upset?? Yes. Did they run to Sam’s aid and rebel against Caine?? No. So why should it matter whether they prefer Sam to Astrid – Sam could still be the hero without being the leader. In fact, I think it would have made both characters so much better if this was the case. Also we know that in times of crisis, people DO look to Astrid. Albert’s cat anyone?? Furthermore, Astrid’s ability to use her intellect to play on people’s emotions is a much better match for Caine’s easy charm than Sam with his flame throwers. I mean please. Astrid has a cool and intimidating exterior that actually hides a well of deep emotions that she can pull from and use to manipulate people into doing things they never thought they were capable of (we mostly see this work with Sam in this book during the fire, chapter 4, and the first time he controls his powers, chapter 28). Caine has an easy going and charming exterior that hides his lack of empathy, allowing him to use people for his own gain as he sees them as expendable. They are such PERFECTLY MATCHED OPPOSITES. But no. Michael wanted the leader to be Sam because?? Fire?? Ugh. Even when the question of who will take over if Sam poofs comes up in chapter 40, NOBODY EVEN MENTIONS HER. Astrid suggests that Edilio takes over and that’s that. (With that being said I do find it interesting that Astrid basically chose both the leader AND the backup leader but still. Let her live up to her full potential Michael.)

I think I’ve pretty much covered the first two bullet points in other sections but I’ll just quickly mention her part in Sam becoming the leader. It’s very clear from the fire onwards that Sam being in charge is Astrid’s main goal. Is this so that Sam can protect her?? Maybe. Idk. But it kind of frustrates me that she is broken down into Sam’s love interest towards the end, rather than coming into her own role. We are constantly shown that she is the main reason that Sam is becoming the leader, and this is even explicitly stated when Sam tells his mother/the gaiphage that he has “someone I have to stay here for” – chapter 46. I think the book should have ended with Astrid taking on her own role (as the leader obvs but I would have settled for something smaller or, you know, ANYTHING), instead of her just becoming Caine’s human shield. I do have more to say on this topic but I feel like it falls more into the relationship category so I’ll leave that for a later post.

And I’m not even going to talk about her powers past saying: what was the reason?? As far as I can gather Michael wanted a reason for Astrid being so insistent about Sam taking on the role of leader and so gave her a weird power and then decided hmm no. 

Thank you so much for reading and I would love to hear all of your thoughts on Astrid. I think I’m going to do Caine next but who knows.

[jgthirlwell]

2020 Year In Review

This year once again I invited some friends and colleagues to reflect on 2020

JG Thirlwell

Composer

Foetus Xordox Manorexia Steroid Maximus Venture Bros Archer

www.foetus.org

2020 was a troubling and disturbing year. I created a lot of music and experienced a lot of nights waking at 5am in a panic. I deeply missed the sacred experience of being able to see live music. In its absence of that I listened to a lot of music. It was difficult to whittle down this list but here are a lot of albums I enjoyed in 2020, in no particular order.

Le Grand Sbam Furvent (Dur Et Doux) John Elmquist’s HardArt Group I Own an Ion (900 Nurses) Roly Porter Kistvaen (Subtext) Liturgy Origin Of The Alimonies (YLYLCYN) Clark Kiri Variations (Throttle) Dai Kaht Dai Kaht I & II (Soleil Zeuhl) Chromb Le livre des merveilles (Dur Et Doux) Horse Lords The Common Task (Northern Spy) Ecker & Meultzer Carbon (Subtext) Insane Warrior Tendrils (RJ’s Electrical Connections) Jeff Parker Suite For Max Brown (International Anthem) Jacob Kirkegaard Opus Mors (Topos) Tristan Perich Drift Multiply (Nonesuch) Bec Plexus Sticklip (New Amsterdam) Vak Budo (Soleil Zeuhl) Merlin Nova BOO! (Bandcamp) The The Muscle OST (Cineola) Zombi 2020 (Relapse) Regis Hidden In This Is The Light That You Miss (Downwards) Rival Consoles Articulation (Erased Tapes) Sarah Davachi Cantus, Descant (L.A.T.E.) Sufjan Stevens The Ascension (Asthmatic Kitty) Idles Ultra Mono (Partisan) Daedelus The Bittereindeers (Brainfeeder) Boris No (Bandcamp) Aksak Maboul Figures / Un peu de l’ame des bandits / Onze Danses Pour Cobattre La Migraine (Crammed) Noveller Arrow (Ba Da Bing) Felicia Atkinson Everything Evaporate (Shelter Press) Ital Tek Dream Boundary (Planet Mu) Author and Punisher Beastland (Relapse) Sparks A Steady Drip Drip Drip (BMG) Corima Amatarasu (Soleil Zeuhl) Code Orange Underneath (Roadrunner) Deerhoof Future Teenage Cave Artists /Silly Symphonies / To Be Surrounded../ Love Lore(Joyful Noise) Sote Moscels (Opal Tapes) Run The Jewels RTJ4 (Jewel Runners) Oranssi Pazuzu Mestarin Kynsi (Nuclear Blast) Master Boot Record Floppy Disk Overdrive (Metal Blade) Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith The Mosaic Of Transformation (Ghostly International) / Ears (Western Vinyl) Michael Gordon Acquanetta (Cantelope) Neom Arkana Temporis (Soleil Zeuhl) Rian Treanor Ataxia / File Under UK Metaplasm (Planet Mu) Helm Saturnalia (Alter) Ivvvo doG (Halcyon Veil) Robert Normandeau Figures (Empreintes Digitales) Ben Vida Reducing The Tempo To Zero (Shelter Press) Beatrice Dillon Workaround (Pan) Dan Deacon Mystic Familiar (Domino) Sea Oleena Weaving A Basket (Higher Plain Music) Elysian Fields Transience Of Life (Ojet) Rhapsody Symphony Of Enchanted Lands II - The Dark Secret (Magic Circle) Duma Duma (Nyege Nyege) Ulla Strauss Tumbling Towards a Wall / Seed (Bandcamp)

Honorable mentions Carl Stone Stolen Car (Unseen Worlds)  Nazar Guerilla (Hyperdub) Iwo Zaluski with the Children of Park Lane Primary School, Wembley The Remarkable Earth Making Machine (Trunk) Nahash Flowers Of The Revolution (SVBKVLT) Cindy Lee Whats Tonight To Eternity (Bandcamp) Insect Ark The Vanishing (Profound Lore) 33EMYBW Arthropods (SVBKVLT) Declan McKenna Zeroes (Tomplicated) Layma Azur Zeii (Bandcamp)

FILM TV Succession ZeroZeroZero Escape at Dannemora 1917 Small Axe : Five films by Steve McQueen Pirhanas Monos The Hater Better Call Saul

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Drew Daniel

Matmos, The Soft Pink Truth

an alphabet of 2020 recordings

Arca “KiCk i” BFTT “Intrusive / Obtrusive” clipping. “Visions of Bodies Being Burned” Duma “Duma” Eilbacher, Max “Metabolist Meter (Foster, Cottin, Caetani and a Fly)” Forbidden Colors “La Yeguada” GILA “Energy Demonstration” HiedraH Club de Baile “Bichote-K Bailable Vol. 2” Ian Power “Maintenance Hums” Jeff Carey “Index[off]” Kassel Jaeger “Meith” Laurie Anderson “Songs From the Bardo” Mukqs “Water Levels” Negativland “The World Will Decide” O’Rourke, Jim “Shutting Down Here” Perlesvaus “These Things Below with Those Above” Quicksails “Blue Rise” Rian Treanor “File Under UK Metaplasm” Slikback “///” Terminal Nation “Holocene Extinction” Ulcerate “Stare Into Death and Be Still” Various Artists “HAUS of ALTR” William Tyler “New Vanitas” Xyla “Ways” Y A S H A “Summations” :zoviet-france: “Châsse 2ᵉ”

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Sarah Lipstate  (Noveller)

With all live performances canceled, this was truly the year of demo videos and home studio recording for me. These are 10 pieces of gear that came out in 2020 that helped keep me feeling creative and inspired during lockdown. In no particular order:

EHX Oceans 12 Dual Stereo Reverb - The Oceans 12 ticks all the boxes for what I’m looking for in a great soundscaping reverb. I used the Shimmer and Reverse algorithms in conjunction a lot when I was composing music for a film score.

Chase Bliss Audio Blooper - While I don’t actually own a Blooper, I had the pleasure of borrowing one from Mike of Baranik Guitars after NAMM this year. He made an incredible Blooper-inspired guitar and I was completely charmed by them both. Chase Bliss always delivers pedals that push me creatively and the Blooper truly hits the mark.

Cooper FX Arcades - I love everything Cooper FX has released to-date so the opportunity to access those sounds in one pedal via plug-in cartridges is just awesome.

SolidGoldFX NU-33 - I was asked to do a demo of this pedal for its release and ended up being really charmed by this box’s approach to lo-fi nostalgia. I’ve used it a lot for film scoring and highly recommend adding it to your collection.

Demedash Effects T-120 DLX V2 - I LOVE a good tape echo and the T-120 Deluxe V2 ranks up there with the best I’ve tried. This pedal made its way to me this Christmas and I look forward to making some beautiful sounds with it in the new year.

Hologram Electronics Microcosm - The Microcosm is one of those pedals where you should fully read the manual before diving in but once you put in that initial effort you’ve got a massively powerful tool on your hands. It does glitch like no other. Definitely worth the homework

Azzam Bells MP019 - I discovered this unique instrument through a post on Reverb’s IG page and immediately looked it up and ordered one. These experimental percussion instruments are hand-made in Italy and they’re as beautiful visually as they are sonically. I used it for bowed cymbal and daxophone sounds on a film score and it was absolutely haunting.

Echopark Dual Harmonic Boost 2 - I love the control you have over dialing in the perfect amount of grit with these dual boost circuits. I use it a lot as a textural tool when I’m laying down drones or bringing in big distorted swells. It’s one of the most versatile overdrives in my collection and I love that.

Fender Parallel Universe Series Volume II Maverick Dorado - I was smitten with the Maverick Dorado when I first saw it at NAMM. It has a lot of the specs that I look for in a guitar and the body shape with the Mystic Pine finish just blew me away. I hope that I get to use it live soon.

Polyeffects Beebo - The Beebo is one of those pedals that I genuinely feel is smarter than I am. It’s like an entire computer in one small touchscreen box. I can’t claim to have mastered using it yet but the sounds that I have managed to get out of it so far have been brilliant. I’m looking forward to spending more time with this box in 2021

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HELM 2020 REVIEW

Let's get the bad stuff out the way first, 2020 was undoubtedly an awful year. I'm still not sure how to really respond to seeing a global pandemic bring the capital to its knees and everything I love and hold dear to a grinding halt. Our government fucked it's response, putting profit before people and killing tens of thousands. The Labour Party descended into farce with the newly elected leader Sir Keith revealing himself as a bland centrist with no opposition or ideas. On a personal level it sucked not being able to travel or see my friends in different parts of the world - or even the same country - who I am starting to miss a lot. However, I was fortunate enough to get through the year with my sanity intact. Music, art and culture once again being my main positive. I think I listened to more music than I have in any year ever. I read more books than I have done since I was a teenager probably. I also re-discovered the joys of walking long distances and am extremely thankful for living near a lot of incredible green spaces: Epping Forest, Walthamstow Wetlands, Walthamstow Marshes, Wanstead Park, Wanstead Flats...

Music. My favourite albums of the year.

Oranssi Pazuzu - Mestarin kynsi Wetware - Flail Raspberry Bulbs - Before The Age Of Mirrors Necrot - Mortal Rope Sect - The Great Flood Private World - Aleph Oneohtrix Point Never - Magic Oneohtrix Point Never Pyrrhon - Abcess Time CS+Kreme - Snoopy Speaker Music - Black Nationalist Sonic Weaponry Drew McDowall - Agalma Regis - Hidden In This Is The Light That You Miss Nazar - Guerilla Zoviet France - Russian Heterodoxical Songs (and all the ZF reissues!!) Triple Negative - God Bless the Death Drive Permission - Organised People Suffer Actress - Karma & Desire Acolytes - Stress II The Gerogerigegege - >(decrescendo) Chubby & The Gang - Speed Kills Flora Yin-Wong - Holy Palm Eiko Ishibashi - Hyakki Yagyo The The - See Without Being Seen Prurient - Casablanca Flamethrower Henning Christiansen - L’essere Umano Errabando La Voce Errabando Subdued - Over The Hills And Far Away Rian Treanor - File Under UK Metaplasm Komare - The Sense Of Hearing Shredded Nerve - Acts Of Betrayal Jesu - Terminus Autechre - SIGN Hey Colossus - Dances / Curses Sparkle Division - To Feel Embraced Mark Harwood - A Perfect Punctual Paradise Under My Own Name Still House Plants - Fast Edit The Bug & Dis Fig - In Blue Kommand - Terrorscape Haus Arafna - Asche Khthoniik Cerviiks - Æequiizoiikum Worm - Gloomlord Kraus - A Golden Brain Faceless Burial - Speciation

A shout-out to Jon Abby's AMPLIFY series on Bandcamp / Facebook, which I contributed a new piece of music to.

A shout out to the labels where most of the music I listened to seemed to come from:

The Trilogy Tapes Iron Bonehead Penultimate Press Dais La Vida Es Un Mus

Gigs. Despite live music being destroyed in 2020 I still saw a few unforgettable performances at the beginning of the year.

Graham Lambkin @ The ICA, London Puce Mary / JFK @ The Glove That Fits, London Demilich @ Finnfest, The Garage, London Container / PC World / National Unrest @ Venue MOT, London S.H.I.T / Asid / Chubby & The Gang @ Static Shock Festival, ExFed, London

Books I enjoyed. Most not published this year, but all read in 2020.

Joe Kennedy - Authentocrats David Balzer - Curationism Tom Mills - BBC: The Myth Of A Public Service Simon Morris - Consumer Guide: Special Edition Luke Turner - Out Of The Woods Various - Bad News For Labour Mike Wendling - Alt-Right Baited Area issues 1 & 2.

Film. Three good films I saw this year which I hadn't before.

Suspiria (Remake) Midsommar Cannibal Holocaust

Podcasts. I listened to a lot of these whilst walking.

We Don't Talk About The Weather Novara Media Tysky Sour & Novara FM Grounded with Louis Theroux System of Systems Red Scare loveline episodes Suite 212 NOISEXTRA Social Discipline CONTAIN

TV.

Didn't watch a huge amount and what I did was mostly trash. For some reason I rewatched both series' of This Life, a British drama from the late 90's about a group of young professionals house sharing and navigating their careers. Very cringey and has aged terribly, but it was perversely fascinating to revisit something from that time in the age of the pandemic. Following on from this I binge watched the entire series of Industry which was entertaining enough. A programme about a bunch of horny bankers with what felt like a confused ideology behind it. It seemed stuck between trying to criticise and glorify the culture around the industry, but also protect the industry itself from outside criticism by portraying anyone who may oppose as an insufferable wanker. Currently halfway through Succession which is OK. The Murdoch documentaries on the BBC were excellent and a rare respite from their descent into client journalism.

Thanks to anyone who listened to my music this year also. Best wishes to you all for 2021.

Luke Younger

http://hhelmm.com | http://alter.bandcamp.com

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Elliott Sharp

composer

1. My Nr. 1 lesson: patience. Whether it's bouncing through 30 seconds of severe turbulence at 39000 feet or slogging through 30 minutes of a interminable piece of concert music, one attribute I've tried to develop is the ability to see past the discrete and awaited ending, the exact framing of the immediate process, but put it into the context of a larger time frame. I've found that this year more than all others has demanded it. Breathing helps...

2. Books: revisiting old favorites from the realm of Thomas Pynchon and Philip K. Dick (both especially relevant), digging into John Lomax's portrait of Jelly Roll Morton, the works of Colson Whitehead, random things off of the shelf…

3. Composing: with touring off the table, I focused on that which needed to be written, some requested and commissioned, some spontaneously springing forth. Composing requires that one open the windows wide to the world, which at this moment brought in grief, terror, uncertainty, anxiety, visions of plague and pestilence and incipient fascism. Okay, now shut the window and get to work! How to process, translate, transform? The work can be a comfortable and obsessive cocoon once one learns to handle the radioactive materials and put them into the creativity reactor.

4. Beans! We have long been a fan in our house of the wide world of legumes but this year brought two stars to the front: the black bean and the red lentil. The black bean commands the lofty peaks but the seemingly infinite variations of dal surround it. Ginger, garlic, turmeric, smoked paprika, cayenne, onions, and olive oil form the basis then imagination builds.

5. Online teaching substituted for my canceled conduction of workshops in the Pyrenees Mountains of France. Between the participants and myself, we built a temporary but very congenial space online to share concepts and music. In addition, private lessons brought conversation and music with new friends in Germany, Italy, California, Australia, Illinois, Denmark, Pennsylvania, Spain, Florida, Brazil.

6. What started out as "stress baking" (before I even had heard of the term) soon became a frequent practice that yielded very edible results. The twins preferred the sweeter forays into banana bread and chocolate cake. I tried to find a balance between tried-and-true techniques and experiments in texture and taste with yeasted pumpernickels, multi-grains, and seed breads.

7. While not the same as performing 'live ', online gigs proved that it was possible to generate a surprising amount of adrenaline even without the pheromonal handshaking of a room filled with receptive ears. As a corollary, online recording collaborations with friends worldwide proved to be inspiring and a suitable substrate for sonic experimentation, exploration of new instruments, tunings, effects programming, structures. In these realms, shout-outs to Helene Breschand, Mike Cooper, Henry Kaiser, Tracie Morris, Mikel Banks, Dougie Bowne, Payton McDonald, Billy Martin, Colin Stetson, Jim O'Rourke, Scott Amendola, Roberto Zorzi, Jason Hoopes, Eric Mingus, Melanie Dyer, Dave Hofstra, Don McKenzie, Sergio Sorrentino, Veniero Rizzardi, Taylor Ho Bynum, Scott Fields, Bachir Attar, Karl Bruckmaier, Robbie Lee, Matthew Evan Taylor, Matteo Liberatore, Al Kaatz, David Barratt, Jessica Hallock, Kolin Zeinikov, Robbie Lee, Jeremy Nesse, James Ilgenfritz, Sergio Armaroli, Steve Piccolo, Sandy Ewen, David Weinstein, Jim Whittemore, Chris Vine, Werner Puntigam, William Schimmel.

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Daniel O’Sullivan

(Grumbling Fur, Guapo, Miasma & the Carousel of Headless Horses, Ulver, Sunn O))), Æthenor, Laniakea, Miracle, Mothlite, and This Is Not This Heat.)

Music Richard Youngs - Ein Klein Nein Alabaster DePlume - Instrumentals Hildegard von Bingen - O Nobilissima Viriditas Francisco de Penalosa - Missa Ave Maria Peregrina Carlo Gesualdo - Responsoria 1611 Dirty Projectors - Five EPs Sonic Boom - All Things Being Equal Brother Peter Broderick - Blackberry Richard Horowitz - Eros Of Arabia Duncan Trussell Family Hour Cocteau Twins in the bath

Books/comics Alexander Tucker - Entity Reunion II Derek Jarman - Chroma Stephen Harrod Buhner - Plant Intelligence and the Imaginal Realm The Penguin Book Of Irish Poetry - edited by Patrick Crotty The Gospel Of Ramakrishna - translated by Swami Nikhilananda Lucretius - De Rerum Natura Plotinus - Enneads Ram Dass - Grist For The Mill Lisa Brown - Phantom Twin

Other Fasting / meditation / macrodosing Walks in freshly coppiced woodland (for the smell mainly). Plants / Foraging / Growing Traditional ferments Douglas Sirk movies Mandolorian Writing songs on the piano Rediscovery of Kenneth Graham via my kids

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Karl O’Connor (Regis)

01.Wolfgang Press - Unremembered, Remembered 02. Klara Lewis - Ingrid Live at Fylkingen 03. Jesu - Terminus 04. Dave Ball - Leeds Poly Demos 1979 05. Edwin Pouncey - Rated Sav X (the Savage Pencil Skratchbook) 06. The Bug - In Blue 07. New Order - Power,Corruption and Lies ( Writing Sessions  ) 08. JG Thirlwell and Simon Steensland - Oscillospira 09. FM Einheit and Andreas Ammer - Hammerschlag 10. Thurston Moore - By The Fire 11. Body Stuff - Body Stuff 3 12. Ann M Hogan - Honeysuckle Burials 13. Rob Halford - Confess (Autobiography)

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Caleb Braaten (Sacred Bones Records)

Shirley Collins Hearts Ease Dehd Flowers Of Devotion Duma Duma Bob Dylan Rough and Rowdy Ways Green-House Six Songs for Invisible Gardens John Jeffery Passage Drew McDowall Agalma Sweeping Promises Hunger For a Way Out Colter Wall Western Swing & Waltzes and Other Punchy Songs Woods Strange to Explain

My Favorite 90’s Nostalgia Movie Rewatches

Colors Ghost Dog Menace II Society The Player Rounders Safe Starship Troopers Trees Lounge Vampires Waiting For Guffman

Most Culturally Bankrupt Year : 1997

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Charlie Looker

(composer, Psalm Zero, Extra Life, Seaven Teares)

Ten Things That Didn’t Happen in 2020

1.  I didn’t write a ton of new music. Don’t get me wrong, I wrote some. I always do. But mostly I focused on my new YouTube channel, essays, and on getting old recordings released. I haven’t even been working a day-job so I thought I was going to write my next Ring Cycle, but I really didn’t find Covid inspiring.

2.  Trump wasn’t re-elected. Cool.

3. I didn’t lose anyone to Covid. I am, of course, profoundly grateful for this. But I feel pretty embarrassed remembering group-texting ten friends in March, “We are all going to see a loved one die. Every single one of us. Don’t kid yourselves”. I can get hysterical, and that was somewhat irresponsible of me.

4.  No revolution happened. I don’t mean to be smug or cynical, or to belittle anyone’s participation in the protests. But, as far as I can tell, nothing happened in 2020 that promises to reduce police brutality or human suffering of any kind. We’ll see. That burning Minneapolis police station was exciting to watch at the time, if only on an aesthetic level.

5.  I have a stack of unread books I bought this year, just staring at me, with nary a crease among them. These include:

Adorno and Horkheimer, The Dialectic of Enlightenment (looks amazing, but I haven’t touched it) Marx, Grundrisse (it’s 1000 pages for fuck’s sake. Amazon also accidentally sent me two copies, and its double presence in the stack is just comical) Reza Negarestani, Intelligence and Spirit (the first 15 pages blew my mind, then my mind blew it off)

6.  I didn’t settle into living in LA. I moved here six months before Covid and I was just starting to cultivate some friendships and play shows. This was quashed and I still feel like I still live in New York. I still barely know the layout of the city here.

7.  No brand-new buzzy musical artists burst onto the scene, that I can recall. No new hyped micro-genre of the moment. There was just no way for there to be a hot new trend. I’d say that was refreshing, but it wasn’t.

8.  Tyson’s return was not awesome. Two minute rounds, ended in a draw. I’ve been getting way into boxing this past year. This fight was a bummer. I’m looking forward to Mayweather vs Logan Paul (LOL) because we know it’s comedy ahead of time.

9.  For three weeks in July, I didn’t do a single thing other than watch street fight compilations on YouTube and Worldstar. That’s just grim.

10.  There were no school shootings in March. Apparently, this was the first March with no school shootings since 2002. Not a single 7th grader got a hand job in March either. I cannot begin to imagine what it’s like to be a kid now.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Chuck Bettis

https://chuckbettis.com

Other People's Music released this year:

Coil "Musick to Play in the Dark" (Dais)

Duma "s/t" (Nyege Nyege Tapes) Twig Harper "External Boundless Prison/ in 4 parts EP" (self-release) I.P.Y. (Ikue Mori, Phew, YoshimiO) "I.P.Y." (Tzadik) Kill Alters "A2B2 Live Stream 11/13/2020" (self-release) Krallice "Mass Cathexis" (self-release) Lust$ickPuppy "Cosmic Brownie" (self-release) Doug McKechnie "San Francisco Moog: 1968-72" (VG+ Records) Merlin Nova "Boo!" (self-release) Omrb "Milandthriust, The Graths of Mersh" (self-release) Akio Suzuki & Aki Onda "gi n ga" (self-release) Yoth Iria "Under His Sway" (Repulsive Echo) Wetware "Flail" (Dais)

My own music released this year:

collaborations

Chatter Blip "Microcosmopolitan" (Contour Editions) Matmos "The Consuming Flame: Open Exercises in Group Form" (Thrill Jockey) Reverse Bullets  "Dreampop Dsyphoria" (self-release) Snake Union "live at Roulette" (self-release) Snake Union w/ Hisham Bharoocha, Bonnie Jones, Heejin Jang, Matthew Regula "Three Arrows" (Rat Route) Thomas Dimuzio "Balance" (Gench Music) YoshimiO & Chuck Bettis  "Live at the Stone" (Living Myth)

solo Chuck Bettis "Arc of Enlghtenment"  (Living Myth) Chuck Bettis "Motion Parallax"  (Living Myth)

compilation Various Artist "Polished Turds Vol.1" (Granpa)

Music Books read this year

"Intermediary Spaces" by Eliane Radigue/Julia Eckhardt (Umland) "Ennio Morricone In His Own Words" by Ennio Morricone/Alessandro De Rosa (Oxford University Press) "Free Jazz In Japan: A Personal History" by Soejima Teruto (Public Bath Press) "Rumors of Noizu: Hijokaidan and the Road to 2nd Damascus" by Kato David Hopkins (Public Bath Press)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Maya Hardinge

(musician / artist)

list of things i liked this year

first ever solo road trip through new mexico and Texas right before lockdown experiencing manhattan with no cars on the road . having a car to escape in to nature. (which i craved so much) walks and bike rides with friends… FRIENDS! The web site ‘workaway’ that helped me feel that there were options for escape. playing games weekly on zoom during lock down teaching yoga weekly on zoom. Witnessing and being part of the BLM protests. witnessing and being part of the demise of T sitting on my couch at 6am drinking a cup of tea, appreciating my apt. making time to meditate. halloween without tourists .

some music I’ve bought and/or enjoyed this year Elvis Perkins-Black Coat Daughter Patricia Kokett -Soi soi Henning Christiansen - OP201 Bryce Hackford- Safe Svitlana Nianio and Oleksander - Snayesh yak? rozkazhy Brannten schnure - Sommer im Pfirsichhain Killing Joke - Nighttime David Shea - Tower of mirrors Shakey - Shakey Woodford halse tapes Coil - Musick to play in the dark

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

BJ Nilsen

sound artist / composer

Work 2020

Despite Covid 19 lots of things actually did happen.

In Feburary I visited the only active nuclear plant in The Nederlands as part of my "Expanded Field Recording” project together with SML. In March revisited the Acousmonium at the Elevate Festival in Graz with an additional trip deep inside the Schlossberg recording old mining trains. In March and April I did two daily recording projects “Pending and Auditory Scenes” - both of Amsterdam during lockdown. In May did my first Zoom field recording workshop with the CAMP project. In June & July  two research trips in Waldviertel, Austria with Franz Pomassl. In August recorded bells and organs in 10 different churches around Amsterdam for Jacob Lekkerkerker. In September recorded Kali Malone at the Orgelpark in Amsterdam. Performed at Heart of Noise Festival in Innsbruck and A4 in Bratislava. Also went ice-skating for first time in 20? Years. In November and December I travelled to Jeju island to record field recordings for a project by Femke Herregraven for the Gwangju Biennale, commissioned for 2021. Did lots of gardening, released two tapes “Call it Philips, Eindoven” and “Zomer 2020” with Sigtryggur Berg Sigmarsson. NOW! Looking forward to 2021.

http://bjnilsen.info https://soundcloud.com/bjnilsen/sets/auditory-scenes-amsterdam

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Vicki Bennett

(People Like Us)

Negativland - True False https://negativland.com/products/truefalse-cd (this came out last year but is so THIS year) Bob Dylan - Rough and Rowdy Ways https://www.bobdylan.com/albums/rough-and-rowdy-ways/ The Soft Pink Truth - We from Shall We Go On Sinning So That Grace May Increase https://thesoftpinktruth.bandcamp.com/album/shall-we-go-on-sinning-so-that-grace-may-increase Carl Stone - Stolen Car https://unseenworlds.bandcamp.com/album/stolen-car Porest - Sedimental Gurney https://porest.bandcamp.com/album/sedimental-gurney Matmos - The Consuming Flame: Open Exercises in Group Form https://matmos.bandcamp.com/album/the-consuming-flame-open-exercises-in-group-form Domenique Dumont - Miniatures De Auto Rhythm https://antinoterecordings.bandcamp.com/album/atn044-domenique-dumont-miniatures-de-auto-rhythm The The - See Without Being Seen https://www.thethe.com/product/see-without-being-seen-cd/ Ciggy de la Noche - Hold Tight HMRC https://soundcloud.com/ciggydelanoche/hold-tight-hmrc Neil Cicierega - Mouth Dreams http://www.neilcic.com/mouthdreams/

and my details: http://peoplelikeus.org/ https://peoplelikeus-vickibennett.bandcamp.com/ pic: http://peoplelikeus.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Welcome-Abroad-promo3-2-scaled.jpg

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DJ Food

Music - Type 303 - Sticky Disco / Analogue Acidbath 7" (45 Live) The British Space Group - The Ley of the Land CD (Wyrd Britain) Squarepusher - Be Up A Hello LP / Warp 10 NTS mix (Warp) dgoHn - Undesignated Proximate (Modern Love) LF58 - Alterazione LP (Astral Industries) Robert Fripp - Music For Quiet Moments series (DGM) Run The Jewels - RTJ4 (BMG) Simf Onyx - Magenta Skyline / The Unresolved 7" (Delights) Luke Vibert - Modern Rave LP (Hypercolour) JG Thirlwell & Simon Steensland - Oscillospira (Ipecac) Aural Design - Looking & Seeing 7" / DL (Russian Library) Luke Vibert - Rave Hop (Hypercolour) Clipping. with Christopher Fleeger - Double Live (Sub Pop) APAT - Terry Riley's 'In C' performed on Modular Synthesizer (YouTube) Field Lines Cartographer - The Spectral Isle LP (Castles In Space) Jane Weaver - The Revolution of Super Visions single (Fire Records) King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - K.G. LP (Flightless) Humanoid - Hed-Set - forthcoming on (De:tuned)

Film / TV - Inside No.9 (BBC) What We Do In The Shadows Season 2 (Netflix) Tales From The Loop (Amazon) Keith Haring - Street Art Boy (BBC) John Was Trying To Contact Aliens (Netflix) The Social Dilemma (Netflix) The Mandalorian (Season 2) (Disney+) Long Hot Summers - The Style Council documentary (Sky Arts) Zappa (Alex Winter)

Books / Comics / Magazines Confessions of a Bookseller - Shaun Bythell (Profile books) The Often Wrong - Farel Dalrymple (Image Comics) Edwin Pouncey - Rated SavX (Strange Attractor Press) Jeffrey Lewis - Fuff (all issues - really late to the party on this one) Rian Hughes - XX - A Novel, Graphic (Picador) Cosey Fanni Tutti - Art, Sex, Music (Faber) Caza - Kris Kool (Passenger Press) Dan Lish - Egostrip Vol.1 Electronic Sound magazine Decorum - Jonathan Hickman & Mike Huddleston (Image) John Higgs - Stranger Than We Can Imagine Simon Halfon - Cover To Cover (Nemperor)

Very few exhibitions or shows this year for obvious reasons

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[writing-good-vibes]

all the other kids (part 1)

ignoring all my other projects to write about jack dante again. the first in a shoert series following jack through childhood, adolescence and adulthood. big WARNING in this one for child death (i really recommend you heed the warning, friends) and implied bad childhood circumstances.

When Jack was seven, he killed a girl from his group home. Not on purpose, or at least not totally on purpose. She was a year older than him, and really, he thought, it was her own fault for being so nosey.

A few months prior, he'd staked a claim on the abandoned house down the street. Some of the older kids had tried to keep him out, but Jack was a biter and, like any good guard dog, he defended what was his.

In this house, he kept his things; old bike parts and jars full of nuts and bolts and a car battery he found at the dump. His collection was slowly growing, to a point where it wasn't just the bigger kids he had to worry about. When he started stealing lengths of pipe and corrugated iron from the scrap yard, he knew his sharp teeth weren't going to be a strong enough defence if grown-ups came snooping. So, he built a man trap.

He'd seen how bear traps worked on Looney Tunes, when Wile. E. Coyote set one up to trap Roadrunner, but Jack was cleverer than that. He'd always thought, if he wanted to catch Roadrunner, he would. But, either way, a bear trap would be a good start. He found a spring mechanism at the scrap yard and the jaws he made from metal shrapnel from the dump.

It was a monstrous thing, triggered by the opening of the rotting wooden door.

The girl, who was desperate to tattle on him, went snooping where she shouldn't.

They were angry with him, yelling and shaking him. Oh god, what have you done? Her blood was almost black and had completely dried by the time they found her, and he was well on his way to his 'new home'.

[vinylspinning]

Black Stone Cherry: Black Stone Cherry (2006)

Black Stone Cherry (who were apparently named after a brand of cigarillos, see above) didn’t earn a spot in my record collection based strictly on their songs, but also because I worked this debut album as an employee of leading hard rock and metal label, Roadrunner Records.

What’s more, this is one of a mere handful of records in which both myself AND my darling wife are thanked in the credits -- she worked for B.S.C.’s management company, you see -- so how could I resist keeping a copy around?

Our kids remain completely unimpressed, by the way ...

Anyhow, turn back the clock 15 years to 2006, and I can tell you both of our companies were selling millions of records from cheesy corporate rock bands like Nickelback, Theory of a Deadman and Shinedown.

So you’d be correct if you guessed that these money-making trends (and especially the latter’s tenuous connections to southern rock) led directly to our signing of Black Stone Cherry’s precocious, barely-twenty-somethings, and their subsequent marketing with all kinds of southern rock clichés.

But let’s cut the shit: if not for their family lineage (drummer John Fred Young’s father and manager, Richard, played in The Kentucky Headhunters), their home-base in rural Edmonton, Kentucky, and calculated cosmetic ingredients like vintage denims, center-parts, and sepia imagery, these boys were packaged for mainstream rock radio.

And yet, Black Stone Cherry had done enough homework (and we helped fill in the blanks) to imprint earthy aesthetics upon modern caricatures like “Backwoods Gold,” “Lonely Train” and “Hell and High Water” -- like a third- generation xerox of Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Things got even better when the histrionic grit in Chris Robertson’s vocals (he also handled lead guitar) managed to overcome the era’s Howard Benson-coiffed, aluminum-plated studio polish; just compare “Rain Wizard” and “Crosstown Woman” (good) vs. “Shooting Star” and “Violator Girl” (bad).

Hammond organ contributions from former Stevie Ray Vaughan sideman Reese Wynans on “Tired of the Rain” and “Rollin’ On” also did a world of good for the whole band (completed by rhythm guitarist Ben Wells and bassist Jon Lawhon), which really let it rip on “Maybe Someday.”

I’d say we covered a lot of bases, trying to set up these guys for success, wouldn’t you?

I left Roadrunner for RCA before Black Stone Cherry’s sophomore album, and though I kept up with them for a few years thereafter -- and I’ve ALWAYS cheered them on -- I never did love their music that much, purely as a fan.

But they were a joy to work with, so I’ll always have fond memories (and even better stories I can’t tell), about B.S.C.’s first long-player and the work hours it took to break them in a millennium with precious little memory of the southern rockers who ruled the ‘70s.

p.s. -- Two of the best songs from these sessions: “Big City Lights” and “Stop Runnin’” were inexplicably held off the LP, so I convinced my Roadrunner peeps to let me issue them as digital EPs on what was then a very young iTunes store.

More ‘00s Hard Rock: Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell’s Don’t Hear it … Fear It!, Bad Wizard’s Free and Easy, Chickenfoot’s Chickenfoot, Clutch’s Earth Rocker, Danko Jones We Sweat Blood, The Darkness’ Permission to Land, The Datsuns’ Outta Sight/Outta Mind, Fu Manchu’s King of the Road, Gentlemans Pistols’ At Her Majesty’s Service, The Glasspack’s Powderkeg, House of Broken Promises’ Using the Useless, The Hellacopters’ Disappointment Blues, Sasquatch’s Sasquatch II, Sweatmaster’s Sharp Cut, Thulsa Doom’s The Seats are Soft but the Helmet is Way Too Tight, Turbonegro’s Apocalypse Dudes, Witchcraft’s Witchcraft, Zen Guerrilla’s Shadows on the Sun.

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: Love, Maybe {20}

Chris Evans X Reader OFC Vixen Giovanni

Warning: Cursing, Fluff

Word Count: 6.6K

Summary: After a night of drunkenness you wake up next to warm, hot as hell body, a migraine and no memory of the night before. When you come to realize that the hot body belongs to none other than Hollywood’s golden boy Chris Evans you freak out. As events unfold you become even more panicked to find out you got married in your drunken haze. What else is there to do but get it annulled, right? Before walking away, you share one more night of molten kisses and passion. Three years later you are still living with the repercussions of your brash decisions, but the surprises don’t stop there. The past has a way of coming back and have you questioning is this fate that you’ve been running from, hell could it have been love, maybe?

Note: Italic texts is an inner Vixen thought. Bold Italic texts is an inner Chris thought.

**Slightly Edited/Proofread**

***Interactive**

Thank you guys for reading!!!! If you enjoyed this please LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG. 😊 ❤️  ❤️ ❤️

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Chapter 20: Life is a Beach

-Chris-

  He sat in his baseball hat, and sunglasses and watched Ella as she ran through the playground with all the energy of the roadrunner in the cartoons from his childhood. He couldn’t help but smile. She was amazing. He’d never marveled at a child more than this tiny human—his tiny human. It was still surreal to think that. It had been two and a half, three weeks since the diner with Vixen and in those three weeks, they’d taken small steps. Neither of them had ever done this, and he sure as hell didn’t know what to do or how they were supposed to act. So, the two of you made your own rules. He’d had dinner with them twice a week usually Mondays and Thursdays, Nexus invited him over any time she watched Ella for you, and he was grateful for it. She’d assured him that she didn’t know until the day she met him.

   That knowledge made it easier to be around her, and it made it easier to see how cool she was. She even tried to put in a good word or two for you hoping it would ease his hidden anger with you. He didn’t know if it was successful because sometimes he would look at Ella as she did something and he’d think he missed it because he wasn’t around, and he wasn’t around because you’d lied to him. Those moments hurt and he always had to go off by himself to put it back into perspective. He realized it was a constant struggle for him.

   Every interaction with Ella left him in awe. She was so smart and so full of life he loved every minute. The first few dinners she looked at him occasionally, and every time he caught her looking she’d look away. If you said something and involved him she’d talk, but otherwise, she kept close to you. He understood, he was relatively a stranger. It hurt but again he put it into perspective. He didn’t speak to you unless he had to and if he did it was about Ella. You were free with the information, you’d told him about her first words, first steps, fears, joys, and any other tidbits he asked. He could tell though that you seemed standoffish and he wondered if it was because you were cautious about him being in Ella’s life, or you were apprehensive letting your guard down given what you’d done. He didn’t press the issue, but he watched you.

He didn’t want to watch you. He didn’t want to notice the way your eyes sparkled when you played with Ella. He didn’t want to notice the ample swell of your breasts; he didn’t want to notice that they were bigger than they were three years. He didn’t want to notice how enticing your thighs looked, or how soft your lips looked, and he definitely didn’t want to notice the perfectness of your ass.

   Still, he took notice of it all. His favorite thing to take note of was how much Ella lite up when she was around you and vice versa. He noticed how completely enamored you were with her and every single time he saw that his heart skipped a beat. At times that made him even angrier.

   “I have a day of freedom tomorrow; Ella loves the beach. I was going to check one out,” you began. He tore his eyes from Ella and looked to you. “You should, California beaches are nice, well some of them.” You nodded and smiled as you continued to watch Ella, then you looked to him. “Any suggestions? I’m still pretty new to LA.” He looked back out to the playground and watched Ella squeal as she went down a slide with her hands up. She was fearless. He smiled because he knew he was the same as a kid.

   “Maybe try Santa Monica Beach, there’s a nice one in Laguna and Malibu.”

   “Are those paparazzi free?”

   “I’m sorry about the paps. If I--,” he began before you interrupted. “I get it, it’s the life you live. I was shocked to not see our faces in the magazines.”

   He scoffed; he’d had to get his PR team on that one quick. He threatened everyone and their grandmother that if any of those pictures were published, he’d slap them with the biggest lawsuit on endangering the welfare of a child. There were some people the paps knew not to mess with, and his particular PR team was filled with some of those people. Of course, he worried that now that he went through so much trouble that they’d take notice and dig. “I do have some pull still,” he explained.

   He could feel your eyes on him, but he didn’t look at you. “Thank you. I don’t know what life would be if it were all public knowledge. My parents would kill me,” you said. He snorted because he knew his mother would definitely kill him too but not before she gave him the worst tongue lashing and possible ass kicking. He took a deep breath because he knew one way or another he had to tell her. He’d have to tell her, his father and his siblings. That was another headache.

  Ella ran up to you then crashed herself into your waiting arms. “Hello, my sweet. Having fun?” She nodded enthusiastically before she showed you her handful of sand. “Wook.” You lite up and smiled widely at her while pretending this was the first time you’d seen sand. “You like sand huh.” She nodded again. He smiled. He couldn’t imagine ever getting tired of this.

   “Pfeiffer Beach.” You looked at him quizzically. “What?” He smiled again and sighed. “The beach recommendation, it has to be Pfeiffer.”

   “Why?” He looked down then back to the playground. “It’s out the way, off the beaten track, no paps, and she’ll love the sand.”

   “Okay.” Ella, who still had a small handful of sand hurled it at him. You gasped and grabbed her hands. “Oh my god, no Kristella.” He couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s all right. No harm no foul. You really like sand huh.” He couldn’t stop laughing which made Ella laugh as she nodded. “No, she has to know it’s not okay to throw things at people.” He looked to you, the smile dropped. “People? But I’m not people right?” Your expression changed as you realized what you’d said.

   “That’s not what I meant--,” you began.

  “No, I wouldn’t be people if you’d--.” Seeing the train wreck ahead he stopped himself. The two of you sat in silence for a few moments.

   “Each mama?” You gave Ella a small smile and nodded. “Oooh each, each, each!” He looked at her getting lost in her excitement; seeing it made some of the anger he felt fade. “Cwis come oo, mama?” Her big beautiful eyes peered up at you waiting for an answer.

   “Uh, well you have to ask him babygirl.” Ella then dropped her face into your lap before giggling. You smiled then rolled your eyes. “She always acts shy.” He smiled and watched. Ella peeked at him then hid her face again before you lifted her into your arms. “Kristella Raelle,” you said in a sing-song voice.

   Ella looked to him and he damn near melted. “Cwis come each.” He couldn’t help but smile like a fool.

   “Are we missing a word?” She smiled. “Pwease.” He could have died a happy man then. “I’d love to. Thank you.” She giggled, slid out your arms and ran away on her small legs. You sighed beside him, and he did the same. “Kristella?” Groaning, an embarrassed look came across your face.

   “Yeah, it was the only thing that made sense. I couldn’t decide on a name the whole nine months. My mom said when you see her, it’ll come to you. So, I waited and when the doctors put her on my chest, and she looked at me--,” you paused as if trying to find the right words, but he saw the gleam of tears cloud your eyes. You avoided his eyes, turning your head to the right you cleared your throat. “It just fit.”

   “That could mean damn near anything.”

   He took a deep breath and continued to watch his daughter until he felt the vibration of his phone in his pocket. When he looked at it, he was shocked to realize they’d sat there for hours. The message from his agent was what brought reality back. “I have to go.”

   You nodded. “Okay. Thanks for coming.” He looked at you, and you were once again collected and distant. He didn’t like that it bothered him.

   “Should I come by your place tomorrow morning?” You nodded, standing. “Tell me a time; we’ll be ready.” Ella ran up to you and again crashed into your legs. He had a stray thought that he too wanted to crash into your legs.

   Baffled at how he could even think that let alone want it especially given everything he shook his head. “I think six is good, it takes a few hours to get there, and you want to have some good time there.” You lifted Ella into your arms, and the press of her against your body made your breasts jut out. Naturally, that is where his eyes went. Instantly he caught himself and looked away and took up the small backpack you’d rested on the bench between your bodies. “I’ll carry this.” Smiling your thanks, you took up your bag and walked beside him.

   “Any special requests?” He looked at you, trying to decipher what you meant. He had a few requests in mind. “Like?” Jostling Ella higher on your hip, she shoved her hand into your top. You didn’t seem to notice; this must be every day for you he thought.

 “Food. I usually make some things for a day at the beach. Ella loves to picnic there and don’t let her fool you; she eats a lot.” He smiled wider and nodded. “Uh, anything you make it’ll be fine.” You nodded, and the two of you approached your car.

   When you bent over to put Ella in her car seat, his eyes instinctively dropped to your backside. He knew this wasn’t the first time he’d looked at it, but it felt like the first time. He vaguely remembered from years ago how you felt but it was clear you were different. His hands itched to touch; he felt like an old perv, and it was something that was new. He hadn’t felt this unable to control his thoughts or wants since those nights with you.

   Clearing his throat he stepped back and looked around making sure the paps had not found him. He wanted to protect this for as long as possible. After thanking him and confirming the details for the next day he was off to stress about everything that could happen the next day.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  -Vixen-

   “One piece or bikini?”

   Nexus rolled her eyes as she dropped her head on the bed. “God Vix, you’re killing me. It’s literally the ass crack of dawn, fuck dawn hasn’t even shown her ass yet. I am half asleep. We’ve been doing this for an hour. It’s a simple bathing suit. It doesn’t matter.” Her whining was a lot more pronounced now. You felt bad, a little but this was serious.

   “I’m sorry, but I can’t just wear any old thing.” You picked up one of the twenty bathing suits tossed across your bed and put it to your robed body for the fiftieth time. “Fuck this is stressful.” You dropped onto the bed and groaned. “Why is this stressful? Vix, it’s the beach with your one-and-a-half-year-old child that you share with your ex-husband, it’s not like you’re going to have sex on the beach with your kid between you.”

   You rolled your eyes and stared into the ceiling. She was right; it wasn’t a big deal. It was a beach with your kid; nothing would happen. You didn’t know why you were fussing so much.

   “Relax, just take it down a notch. It’s just a day, just the beach.” You took a deep breath and released it hoping it worked to calm your nerves. “Have you slept?” You jumped up and walked out the door. “Not yet, I had to make food.” You could hear Nexus groan as you walked to the kitchen to pack the dishes you’d made.

   “God, Vixen.”

   Chewing your bottom lip, you finished packing the food into the picnic bag and ignored Nexus and your nerves. After yesterday at the park you could tell that things could either go left or right with no indication and you were anxious.  With the way he threw the fact that you’d hidden Ella from him it was safe to say he was still angry about it and you knew it would come up again. Part of you understood while you didn’t do what you did to spite him or to be a vindictive bitch your intentions didn’t matter; it was the action that did. You understood his anger. If you were honest with yourself you deserved it. You were so lost in your thoughts you didn’t realize you were motionless, standing in front of the counter just staring out.

   “What is it now?” Sighing you shook your head and hopefully the feelings away.

  “Nothing, you’re right—as always. I’m bugging out, and I need to chill. I will.” You took a few deep breaths and closed the bag you’d packed.

“Better?” You nodded to Nexus and put on a satisfied smile. Nexus studied you, but instead of calling you on your bull she shook her head. “The two-piece, your body after Ella is incredible, so if you got it flaunt it.” You smirked and nodded.

  Once in your room again Nex took up a skimpy two-piece, you eyed her like she was crazy.

“What?” Snorting you took it and held it up to inspect it. It left nearly nothing to the imagination.

   “You’re kidding.” Nex smiled and shook her head. “It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, and I can tell he wants to see it again,” Next boasted. The smile you wore fell, and the butterflies in your stomach took flight.

  “What?” Nex laughed and sat back on your bed snuggling into your sheets. “Vix, it’s obvious. I saw it all over his face when he came over for dinner.” You went over your memories from that night and tried to see if she was right. In the midst of it, you stopped yourself.

  “No, Nex, no. That’s not true, and that’s that on that.” She looked even more amused. “You still like him,” she accused.

   You turned your back to her and went through your drawer to look for a bathing suit that didn’t show off too much but was still cute. “I do not. I never liked him.” Nexus laughed even louder; then you felt a bottle hit your back.

  “Ouch!” She rolled her eyes. “You’re a liar. You do not have sex with just anyone much less marry them. You liked, liked him. Sometimes I thought you lo--.” Clearing your throat loudly you cut her off before she uttered the ridiculous word. As you walked into the bathroom you heard Nexus scoff. You changed into the bathing suit and then spent the next five minutes or so looking over your body at every angle. You were nervous, and you knew it was stupid.

   Once you emerged from the bathroom, Nexus was holding a bright-eyed Ella who had a waffle in one hand and her hair in the other. “Good morning princess.” She smiled then dropped her head onto Nex’s shoulder. You dropped kisses all across her face then pulled on a pair of denim shorts and the crop top you’d picked from the night before. When you looked at the clock on your nightstand you saw you had just a little over thirty minutes before Chris was supposed to arrive. That was when you became frazzled, you still had yet to get Ella together or the toys and supplies you needed for a beach trip. You’d intended to do it the night before, but when you came home you stressed the entire night. Now you were feeling the stress.

   By the time the doorbell rang, Ella was running around the house in her bathing suit, and you were frantically trying to pack the last minute things you’d need. Nex was the one to open the door and let him in. When you came out you had three bags. Chris immediately came forward to take them. “Good morning.” He smiled as he said it and you caught the scent of his cologne, and your belly did flips.

   “That is my belly, right?”

   “Sure, you packed enough?” You snapped out of it and shrugged. “Never know with a kid. I like to be prepared for anything, and with Ella, anything is possible.” He smiled, and god did he look beautiful. Ella’s loud babbling increased to an almost deafening decibel.

  “She is so gonna crash once she gets in the car,” Nex joked. You nodded your agreement, and that was when she ran out with her shorts off her body and on her head shouting before she crashed into your legs.

   “Ella why’d you take off your shorts?” She pouted and held one hand in the air and put the other on her hip. “Piwate!” Pinching your lips together you nodded. “Really?” She nodded. “Pink piwate!” It was then Chris laughed out loud to which Ella’s pout became more pronounced before she glared at him.

  “No waugh, I pwetty piwate!” Chris quickly straightened his face. “The prettiest pirate I ever did see.” Ella broke character and smiled widely before she hid behind your legs. “All right you, let’s put these shorts back where they belong.” You bent down and dressed her appropriately. “I’ll bring these to the car,” Chris informed before he walked back out the door hands completely filled. Nexus’ expression caught your eye. It was an expression that said she approved.

   “All right, have fun,” Nex said. You stood holding Ella.

  “What’re you going to do all day?” She shrugged. “Get some sleep, maybe shop a little and just lounge. Nothing much.” You studied her not fully believing her. “Go, although I know he’ll wait forever for you don’t make him.”

  Rolling your eyes, you took the last bag and your purse and the stroller and walked out the door. “Say bye-bye auntie Nex.” Ella waved and leaned out toward Nex with her lips puckered then let out an exaggerated loud kiss.

  “Ayye!” Nex did the same with a broad smile on her face. You walked down the path toward Chris’ car. He met you halfway and took your bags, and the stroller then loaded them in his trunk.

   Before you got to the door, you stopped. “Ah, the car seat.” Before you turned back to your car Chris’ voice stopped you. “Actually, I have that covered.” He opened the backdoor, and you saw a car seat that was identical to yours ready and waiting. Staring at it and then to him you were speechless. “Is it the wrong one? I was sure it was the same one you had.” Snapping out of it you nodded.

  “Yes, no it’s the same.” Chris smiled and doing your best to suppress the increasing butterflies you buckled Ella into the seat taking full notice that it was correctly installed. Once you closed the door you saw him holding open the passenger door for you, and again the butterflies increased. Nex was standing at the door still watching, and you could see the smile on her face as well as a look that was a mixture of “told you” and “he’s a keeper.” Thanking him you got in and once he came around you were off.

   The drive was a quiet one in the beginning. It took ten minutes flat for Ella to fall asleep which left the two of you alone in an enclosed space for the next two hours. For the most part, it was a quiet ride, he kept his eyes on the road, and you tried to keep yours off of him. You failed miserably. The chino shorts he wore that fell just at his knees before now sat a few inches above it giving you a glimpse of some thigh. Though he was a thin guy his thighs didn’t look it, they looked defined, muscular and completely inviting. You sat there staring at them for far longer than was appropriate. Every time you tried to think of something else, another thing caught your eye. For instance, his hands gripping the steering wheel, that made you take notice of how big his hands were and made you think back to how his hand cupped your breast and ass with ease.

   When you scolded yourself for your thoughts and forced it back onto something neutral, something else caught your eye. Soon his arms were the subject of your gawking. You remembered everything about them, but he’d buffed up even more, and it was wreaking havoc on your desires. You felt like a horny teenager, and you hated it. Once you realized it was horniness you felt, it hit you that you hadn’t had sex with anyone since him. That realization was all it took for you to freak out.

   “Are you okay?” you snapped your head to him, he looked concerned. Not able to get any words out you nodded then looked back out your window. “We should be there in another forty minutes or so.” Again you nodded, and silence filled the car. “Did I do something?” shocked you looked to him. “No. God no. why would you think that?”

   “You’ve barely said five sentences this entire drive.”

   “Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m just lost in my thoughts, I guess.” You could feel his eyes on you for a few seconds before he looked back to road then again to you. “I get that, more than you know,” he admitted releasing an exasperated breath. You felt the car pull to the side of the road, and you looked around, expecting that you’d arrived. Chris turned to you giving you his full attention.

   “Let’s make a deal. You don’t go getting lost in your thoughts, and I won’t go getting lost in mine. No doubt we both are all over the place the last few weeks, but I remember we were able to have a good time together. I’m hoping that’s still the same. So, let’s agree to that and just be—present.” His eyes went to Ella in the backseat, and a soft smile teased his lips. “I can make that deal if you can,” he finished before his eyes landed back on you.

   You nodded and swallowed the lump in your throat. “Deal.” He smiled slowly and nodded. “Deal,” he repeated. The both of you smiled, and he resumed the trip giving you the time to calm those butterflies he awoke with just a smile.

  When you arrived, Ella was wide awake and ready for fun. Chris carried the majority of the bags while you carried Ella and your purse. You could smell the sea salt, and you knew Ella could too because her big blue eyes scanned everywhere in search of what she knew she was there for. When the three of you rounded a cluster of rocks you stopped in your tracks at the beauty before you. Ella must have been surprised too because she didn’t say anything, she just looked wide-eyed. “Oh yie god,” Ella repeated what you said, and Chris laughed. You looked to him and just looked shocked. “Wow, this is amazing.”

 “Welcome to Pfeiffer Beach,” he said, spreading his arms out around him. You looked at Ella, and she looked at you. “Each?” You nodded. “Beach.” She squealed loudly and began kicking her legs signaling she wanted to be put down. Quickly you put her on the concrete, and she took off down the rest of the path. All she kept screaming was beach. Once the road ended Ella stopped and looked back to you and Chris. “Sand?” Chris nodded. Ella paused and bent down to take up a handful. “Poepul.” You stood next to her and looked at the purple sand in her tiny hand. “This is what makes this beach pretty cool. I thought she’d like it.”

   “Poepul! I wike it. I wike it!” Without wasting any more time she ran off across the sand prompting a hearty laugh from Chris. Sensing her intention to run off into the water you ran after her and scooped her up before she got too far.

   “Hold on you little mermaid, let’s set up first.” Kicking her little legs the entire way you and Chris found a nice spot and set up the blanket and other items. After a few minutes Ella had enough stalling.

  “Wato!” Chris smiled. “I think she wants that water now.” Taking her cue from him she nodded.

  “Wato now!” Planting the most defiant look on her face, you just stared at her until the look faded and was replaced with a smile. “Pwease mama.” Unable to be too stern, you smiled and shook your head. “Fine.” She squealed and clapped her hands.

   You took off your hat and began undressing. Once you’d finished, you looked across to Chris who was standing there scanning your body, but it was a quick once over. You didn’t think anything of it.  Taking Ella’s hand, you walked toward the water then ran once she picked up speed. Once at the shore you led Ella out until the water reached her waist. Without warning, she jumped to you shouting “wee.” Laughing the two of you played in the water splashing each other and everywhere around you. Her squeals and laughs were music to your ears. After a few minutes, you looked back to where you’d left Chris. He was watching, but you couldn’t make out the expression on his face.

   “Aren’t you coming?” Right on cue Ella spun her head to him. “Come in wato Cwis!” You smiled.

  “See, the mermaid princess has spoken!” He smiled and shrugged then lifted his shirt.

 “Holy fucking shit, mother of Mary and holy sweet baby in a manger!”

   Every action he made was in slow motion from then on. Your eyes scanned his perfect chest down to each of his six ab muscles. Once you got to his waist, your jaw dropped seeing those indentations that drove women to forget how to speak English. He ran to the water, and you heard the theme song to Baywatch playing in your head.

   Once he ran into the water even the drops moved in slow motion as they splashed across his chest and slowly ran down his skin. Before you knew it he was standing in front of you, and your eyes were glued below his neck. Suddenly water splashed in your face, sputtering you wiped it away to see Ella laughing.

   “Even my kid knows I’m thirsty.”

   Trying to ignore the overwhelming desire you felt you splashed around with her, Chris joined in. Soon he was the one splashing the two of you with his massive arms. Ella loved every second of it when a tsunami sized splash landed on her; she screamed and laughed. When a wave came in she cried for a different reason and held on tightly to you. You and Chris tried to reassure her it was okay, but she would not be soothed unless you moved back to the shore. So every time the waves stopped you inched out further but when it came in she made you run back to shore. It was exhausting.

   When you made it back to the blanket for a break, she dropped in the sand and began building a castle. It was then you decided you deserved food. When you opened the containers, Chris let out a loud “mmm.” “That smells too good.” Ella rushed over and fell on your lap. “Hungry baby?” She nodded.

   You placed the container to the side and rinsed off her hands with a bottle of water then a sani wipe. “So, I may have gone overboard with the food. Once I start cooking it’s next to impossible for me to keep it simple or stop.” Chris smiled and watched as you opened the containers one by one. “This is pasta salad with some crab and lobster. Please tell me you’re not allergic to shellfish.”

   “Nope, I love seafood.” You smiled and nodded. “All right good. These are buffalo, and BBQ chicken wraps with a dollop of pesto and on the bbq ones.” You handed Ella one of the bbq wraps, she sat and moaned her pleasure on the first bite. “This is mac and cheese, but not that box stuff this is authentic mac and cheese—black mac and cheese.” Chris snorted.

   “Then some fruit kabobs and a strawberry vinaigrette salad kabob. Ella loves strawberries.”

   Chris sat there looking at all the food with an impressed expression. “Wow. This all looks amazing. I don’t know why you think you went overboard; I like to eat.” You couldn’t stifle the laugh that escaped you, so you motioned for him to dig in. The three of you sat there enjoying the sun, breeze, and food and for a while, it felt perfect.

“So, I see you accomplished your dream, your restaurant.” You smiled and nodded. “I did.” He took another bite of food then looked back to you. “Congratulations, I knew you’d make it happen. I could sense your determination. I saw something in you that said you’d make it happen.” You looked away from him to Ella, who played with her toys with one hand and ate with the other.

  “Yeah, part of the dream. It was hard, don’t get it twisted. It was crazy hard, especially when Ella came around, but with the grace of God and my family I was lucky.”

   “Nah, luck has nothing to do with it. You made it happen Vixen.” Glancing at him, you saw the stern look on his face. Nodding, you decided to take the implied compliment. He looked away, and a comfortable silence fell between you. “What do you mean by part of the dream?”

   “Well, the dream was to start a chain of restaurants. I have one in San Fran and soon one here in LA, so I guess the dream will then be accomplished,” you explained with a smile realizing your reality and all you’d accomplished.

  “You’re opening a restaurant here?” You nodded. “Really?”

   “Yeah, I came across an opportunity, and I got lucky, and that’s why I’m here. We’re building it up from the start.” He looked shocked.

   “Wow, Vixen that is incredible. Wow! I’m happy for you.” Smiling, you tried to ignore the feelings bubbling at the surface. “Congratulations.”

   “Thank you.” He looked like he meant what he said, and it warmed your heart.

   “Mama, castle pwease.” Seeing that you weren’t finished Chris wiped his hands. “Can I?” You nodded, and he slid to Ella.

   “I know I’m not mama, but can I make a castle with you?” Ella looked to his face, but she looked as if she were looking right through him. “My eye.” She looked to you at the same time Chris did. He looked confused, but you knew what she meant.

  “Yes baby, you have the same eyes.” She looked away, but Chris didn’t. “Okay, castle Cwis.” His eyes didn’t leave yours; the moment was a heavy one. Sensing you were close to losing it, you slipped on your sunglasses and watched them build castles. She freely chattered away, and Chris responded to what he understood, it was the cutest thing.

   When they were finished you took pictures of their masterpiece, then Ella began posing, which had Chris laughing up a storm before he joined in for the pictures at Ella’s wishes. So, it suddenly turned into an impromptu photoshoot. Chris took your phone and made you get into the pictures with Ella. After every snap he would shout out “new pose” and Ella ate it up.

   After a few minutes, an elderly couple approached. “Why don’t you get in there too? We’ll get a good picture of the family.” Chris looked at you, and you smiled and nodded. When he slipped in he stood behind you and Ella. Without needing to be told Ella shouted out. “Cheeee.” Everyone laughed as the picture was taken. You put Ella down and walked to the couple to thank them. “No thank you necessary. You make a beautiful family, and it warms my heart to see so much love between a young couple.”

   A gentle breeze could have toppled you over. Neither you nor Chris spoke up to correct her though. Your overactive mind wanted to dissect that alone, but you pushed it aside. “Do you want to know the secret to how we’ve stayed married so long?” The older man looked between you and Chris but didn’t wait for an answer. “I see her the same way I did the first time I ever laid eyes on her and I never forget how I felt.” You couldn’t help but smile at how sweet he was. “If you do that, everything else falls into place.” As quickly as they appeared they walked off leaving the two of you stunned.

   When you turned around and returned to the blanket Chris and Ella were stomping on the castle completely destroying it. Chris was pretending to be Godzilla and roared with each slow motioned stomp and Ella imitated him. You sat and just watched as your heart swelled utterly falling in love with the sight of them together. Chris then pretending to go after her and chased her around the beach to her absolute delight.

   When she tried to run not the water Chris was there to block her. When a wave crashed into Chris unexpectedly he stumbled and fell to the sand. Ella let loose an uproar of laughter then jumped right onto his belly. While he groaned an incoming wave came in and before it crashed on them he lifted her into the air with one of his arms. She began screaming but stopped once she realized she was okay. That turned into him pretending she was an airplane which she loved. Your heart melted; this was the first time she’d allowed him to touch her. It was her way of showing she’d opened up to someone new. It was also a sight that made a tear roll down your cheek.

   By the time you made it back home, it was night, and again Ella was knocked out. Chris took the bags inside while you packed up the toys she had strewn around the backseat. When he came back you got out on the opposite side and walked around to him. Taking notice that your hands were full, he looked to Ella. “Uh—you got her or need some help?”

   You motioned to her, “Yeah, go ahead; it’s okay.” He looked at you as if he were cautious.  “Are you sure?” Nodding you walked onto the lawn. Chris bent inside the car and slowly wrapped his arms around her lifting her. When he turned you knew you weren’t prepared for the sight.

   You walked to the house with Chris following closely behind you. “Follow me.” You walked up the stairs and to her room with pink and purple letters spelling out her name. “Right on the bed.” Chris walked in and across to her bed where he gently laid her down. He sat there, momentarily, and stared. From where you stood you could hear the purring you loved. Chris looked at you and smiled.

   “She does purr.” You smiled and nodded. For the next few minutes, no words were needed. The two of you just sat there staring in awe at the tiny human you’d created together. When he crossed the room back to you, you pressed your back onto the wall. He didn’t stop until he was a few inches from you.

   “She’s perfect Vixen.” Again, you nodded. “She is,” you whispered back. His eyes searched yours. You were full of so many thoughts and emotions. You were afraid to speak, afraid to move and could barely breathe. You watched his tongue snake out and slowly trail across his bottom lip. Instinctively you did the same, that was when his eyes dropped to your mouth.

   “Shit, do I want him to kiss me? Would I move if he did?”

   You bit your bottom lip, and your body moved on its own leaning your lower half off the wall while your back remained against it. “You’re a good mom.” Your smile was full, and your heart fluttered. Chris took another step to you, and your heart rate increased. His hand went out and touched your hip, and every nerve in your body fired off creating an electric feeling that sparked through you.

  As if getting a jumpstart, your memory flashed back to three years ago when he did the same thing. Back then what came next was him kissing you, pulling you to his body so you could feel every line, and slope of his hard body. Then his hand would snake around you to cup your backside, and from there you knew you’d end up in bed.  

   “Would it end the same way? Would he be the same?”

   Anxiety flared and with it fear and all the embarrassment and hurt you felt three years ago. You stepped back, clearing your throat. “Em, it’s really late.” Where his fingers were digging into the meat of your hip, now they relaxed as if waiting for the rest of that sentence, a sentence you didn’t finish.

   “Yeah,” Chris agreed before he cleared his throat as well. He took a few steps back and looked back to Ella in her bed. “It is.” He looked down and sighed. “I’ll walk you out.” You walked out of the room and down the stairs. You got to the front door a few seconds before he did. It was enough time to slow your racing heart and put on a calm exterior.

   “Thank you for letting me come along today.” Crossing your arms in front of your chest, you looked down to your feet. “No, thank you for finding such an amazing beach. She had a really, really good time.”

   “I did too but was it just she and I who had a good time?” You looked up and finally met his eyes. You’d never seen this look before; it looked like the look of an unsure man. “No, it was a lot of fun.” Chris nodded then looked at his own feet. “Okay, so I’m going to head out.”

   “Yeah, drive safe.” He nodded, turned, and walked back to his car. You stood there and watched him debating in your head if you’d done the right thing.

   “You knew where this would have led Vix. You’ve been done that road already. You would have gotten your feelings hurt again, and he would have had the last laugh. You did the right thing. You did what you should have done three years ago.”

   Though part of you said that, when you saw him put his head on his steering wheel before he pulled off, you had to question that part. Had you done the right thing?

~~~~~~~~~~~

***If you want to be tagged please SEND AN ASK SO IT WILL BE EASIER FOR ME TO KEEP TRACK OF. Thank you for reading!!!

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[gewyflower1]

[monicawoe]

Fic Writer Tag Game

Tagged by the lovely @denugis and @ameliacareful Thanks!

AO3 Name: monicawoe 

Fandoms: My top 3 fandoms are Supernatural, MCU, and Venom, others include various Marvel comics and TV shows, Alien Covenant, Forever Knight, Good Omens, Hannibal, Legion (tv), Lucifer (comics), Preacher (tv), and The Mandalorian

Fic you spent the most time on: In terms of longest time spent writing? Probably Burdens Doublefold, co-written with @quickreaver just because it was such a beast of a fic: still my longest at ~67k words, and still one of my all-time faves.

The longest one from conception to actually completing the fic though was On His Head a Crown which I started thinking of while season 5 aired (back in 2009!) and then didn't write because canon went in such a different and also fascinating direction that I ended up writing more canon-adjacent fics at the time. This one veers off wildly from 5x03 with Sam as the Horseman Conquest, and was finally written last year as part of the Sam Winchester Big Bang featuring glorious art by @slytherkins. That means it actually took me a full ten years to get around to writing it. Glad I did though ; )

Fic you spent the least amount of time on:  A tie between Letters of Resignation, a cracky collection of letters written from the POV of the demons killed by Sam during My Bloody Valentine and Hunt, the first Sharp Teeth fill I ever did for the prompt Wile E. Coyote finally catches the Roadrunner.

Longest fic: Burdens Doublefold, as noted above, a 67k retelling of seasons 1 & 2 co-written with @quickreaver, aka the fic where I wrote myself into shipping Sam/Brady forever.

Shortest fic: a 100 word BuckyNat poem Mirror

Most hits: How They Make You a Weapon at 18,619 , Winter Soldier POV beginning with Bucky being captured by Hydra through and beyond the end of CA:TWS) This is the only fic I've ever written in second person but I found it worked rather well for the Winter Soldier's POV accentuating his missing sense of self.

Most kudos: Ink at 2165, Venom (movie), Venom admires Eddie's tattoos.

Most comment threads: Also How They Make You a Weapon at 133, likely largely due to the fact that this was posted as a WIP, which I don't normally do, but at the time I felt a burning need to immediately share all of my Winter Soldier Bucky thoughts!

Fave fic you wrote: Wow that's a tough one. I love so many of them for so many different reasons. If I had to pick one favorite from my top three fandoms it would be:

MCU: Bad Becomes Worse. I suspect it might be one of the best (albeit angstiest) fics I've ever written, you tell me.

Supernatural: Counteroffer and its sequel The King's Guard - I still really love the unreliable narrator POV in the first one and the unsettling tone I think I achieved there, and as for the sequel, writing Sam as physically containing all of Hell was just so damn fun.

Venom: Wedding Party (because this one was just SO MUCH FUN to write!)

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: So many. Early on in my spn fic-writing days I ended on cliffhangers a lot because that's what the show liked to do, and I myself enjoy the open-ended nature of them, but some of them really are begging for a sequel. If there's any particular one you'd like to see a time-stamp to let me know and I’ll likely add it to the list.  

I am currently working on a sequel to my most recent Venom fic Many Thousand Feet Beneath because I'm told I can't just leave those biotech millipedes under San Francisco! (and you're right readers, you're right!) It will take me a bit longer because ::gestures at everything this year:: but I promise I'm on it!

Share a bit of your WIP or share a story idea that you’re planning: (see longish excerpt of my WIP of Kale!Sam / King of Hell Sam under the read more tag below)

Tagging : @wetsammywinchester , @slytherkins, @brendaonao3, @rokhal, @tigerlilynoh, @hafital​

a WIP fill of a prompt for the 2020 round of Antichristmas: Sam Winchester's Birthday Prompt-fic extravaganza (still accepting prompts if you want to join the fun! fics due in May, for Sam’s birthday)

Sam stood in front of his new Mirror™ and smoothed down the front of his moisture-wicking tank top.  He could feel the increased definition in his abs, but it wasn't quite where he wanted it to be. Not yet. He was, as ever, determined to be his best self. That's what he'd built his whole career on, and he had to embody it wholly.

"Alexa, start Mirror, play Morning Pilates," Sam said, getting into starting position on his PVC-free yoga mat.

He moved through the first three exercises with ease, looking forward to the upcoming side plank with grim eagerness. He'd been getting better at the advanced version and was confident he could hold the position perfectly. When the time came he held the form without any quivering in his arm or leg, so focused on using his core to hold himself still that it took him a few seconds to realize the mirror was glitching. Sam's reflection wasn't doing a pristine side-plank at all it was just standing there. And it was wearing a suit.

A suit he was pretty sure he didn't even own.

"Alexa, restart mirror," he snapped, annoyed at this interrupt. He could hold side-plank a long time, but likely not all the way through the restart and plus he wanted to make sure his other side got an equal amount of attention, and— The mirror hadn't turned off. A bright red line was flickering down the middle. And his reflection—still wearing a black suit with a dark maroon silk shirt—was looking right at him, a crooked smile creeping across its lips. 

Unsettled, Sam pushed himself to his feet and moved to turn the damn thing off manually. He pressed himself up against the glass, reaching around the back with his left hand to find the reset button, and then the glass wriggled under him, and a hand grabbed him by the throat.

Sam choked as he was lifted two inches clear off the ground by himself. Or somebody who looked exactly like him. Except for the suit and his eyes which flashed golden-yellow just before he tossed Sam unceremoniously to the floor.