#Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron

[tinfoil-jones]

Gravity Falls: For Your Own Good, Ch.22

Summary: A few years after moving to Gravity Falls and having his lab built, Stanford Pines happens upon his estranged twin brother, Stanley. He mentally prepared himself to be suffocated by his brothers neediness all over again - what he wasn't prepared for was Stanley walking right past him like he didn't even notice him.

Rating: M for language, violence, and adult implications

Preface: Dialogue only, but some actions will be annotated for clarity. Cross-Posted on AO3 Here.

WARNING: non-consensual groping

First - Prev - Next

CH.22

Jingle

Click

Creeeakkk

“Hey fellers, I’m back! I hope ya’ll are ready for- hello?”

“F… Fiddleford…”

“Stanford? Where are you at? Why d’you sound so-.”

“L-Living room...”

“What in tarnation - Stanford, why’re you dressed like that? And why’re ya’ll laid back on the armchair like that?”

“Can’t… move. He left Naloxone on the coffee table… I can’t reach it… I’m paralyzed.”

“How did this happen?”

“Stanley got me with my own tranq gun…”

“Oh, for Heavens sake. Here friend, let’s get you that Narcan.”

“Thank you, Fiddleford. Stanley underestimated his ability to metabolize opioids, or he overestimated mine. It took sixteen hours for me to wake up, and I’ve still been paralyzed for the past six or eight.”

“Why would Stan do this? And did he switch clothes with you?”

“Yes.”

“...This makes me uncomfortable.”

“We don’t have a lot of time, I’ll explain as much to you as possible on the way down to my lab. Follow me!”

(...)

“So cosmic-level authorities placed you under arrest.”

“Yes.”

“And you tried to save your sorry hide by requesting a transdimensional trial by combat?”

“In a manner of speaking.”

“And Stan - who has been to multiple planets and different dimensions - cut his hair, knocked you out, stole your spare set of glasses, and switched clothes with you to take your place?”

“Correct.”

“And you expect me to believe all of this?”

“Fiddleford, we scavenged several parts for my computer at crash site omega, you know extraterrestrials are real, why does this seem so far fetched?”

“That’s different! That ship was millions of years old, and long abandoned! Whatever left it behind should have died out eons ago.”

“Didn’t you ever wonder how I was able to decode the alien language so fast?”

“I imagine you put your doctorates in Linguistics and Etymology to use.”

“I tried to at first. But Stanley already knew that language, and translated it for me. Well, the major structures of words and sentences at least, cultural context was missing.”

“...I beg your pardon?”

“The language is called Gromflomish, it’s the standard language of the Galactic Federation due to the dominant species of that regime being the Gromflomites. Stanley learned it while he was galavanting in space.”

“Are you even listening to yourself right now?”

“Fiddleford, I understand that what I am telling you is a lot, and I am sorry we weren’t more forthcoming with you from the start; but we need to focus on rescuing Stanley.”

“How in Sam Hell are we supposed to do that?”

“When Stanley switched our clothes, he also switched our wallets. I imagine this was to avoid scrutiny if he was searched. I found some items of interest inside.”

“You didn’t search what was in it when you confiscated it the first time?”

“No. There was not a lot I expected to find in there given his lifestyle. I only did a precursory check for illicit substances. But what I found with a more in-depth search is… Interesting.”

*Ford quickly types on his computer, and pulls out a photograph and an I.D from Stans wallet*

“Who… are all of those strange characters and critters in the photo with him?”

“Apparently he was the bouncer for a group called the Flesh Curtains… a band made up exclusively of intergalactic criminals. And there is one member who can help us.”

“You want to call a space outlaw to help us find your brother?”

“Fiddleford, I will remind you Stanley is not just an ex-convict, he is also an intergalactic and interdimensional wanted criminal. And trust me when I say, I also very much do not like who I am about to send a beacon to.”

(...)

“Stanford Filbrick Pines, step forward.”

“Almost a whole day in ‘the hole’, just to drag me into court anyways? What happened to the Gladiatorial challenge?”

“SILENCE! You will be read your charges before you make your attempts to clear them in Globnar! First and foremost, your most heinous crime is Unlicensed Nightmare Fueling! You are wanted under suspicion of giving debilitating nightmares to the following individuals; Federico Fidel “Rico” Leiva Arias, Jorge Andrés Martelo Visbal, -”

‘Hey wait a second, these names…’

‘These are a from the list I gave to-’

‘Has he… has he been giving them nightmares?’

‘But why?’

‘Why would he…?’

‘Has he been doing that the whole time?’

“FURTHERMORE, a standard DNA scan has linked you to the crimes of the petty outlaw, and notorious first and second person to ever break into and out of the Infinetentiary; Staniel Danger Malone.”

‘Why did I ever let Rick submit the paperwork for my Federation I.D..?”

“REGARDLESS of what name you use, any crime committed that is linked to your DNA signature will be held against you, and can only be cleared by Globnar, or an imprisonment up to a number of Schwabe cycles equal to xn+1=rxn(1−xn), whereas x represents the amount of crimes you are convicted of. WHAT SAY YOU, The Accused?”

“Bring it.”

(...)

*Ford is heavily hugged from behind by a much taller figure, who practically drapes over him*

“Hey-Hey Stan! I was wondering when you’d call back. Took you long enough.

Has someone been trying to install tracking chips on you, by the way? I’ve gotten like, six notifications from how many have been shorted out in the past four months or so.

Didja miss me, Stan?”

“...Sanchez.”

“...”

“This is Dr. Stanford Pines, while I did send you that beacon, you are mistaking me for my identical twin brother, Stanley.”

“Huh, so I guess it was short for Stanley, I owe Birdperson a Kalaxian Crystal.”

“Please remove your hand from my groin. I will only request this once.”

“Wow, you two really must be identical, the way it fills my hand-.”

WACK

(...)

“So you’re Stan’s brother huh? You must be that thing he was looking for. Here I was, thinking he buried some gold somewhere.”

“Sanchez, we’ve met before.”

“Have we?”

“I attended several of the same classes in Backupsmore University as your late wife.”

“Hm, still not familiar, pal.”

"I have six fingers."

"So you'd be more expensive to animate, but I'm still blanking out here."

“We had a heated debate once because you claimed you solved the Hodge Conjecture.”

“Was it a heated debate? Really? Sounds more like whisky-over-the-rocks chat to me.”

“...Perhaps a bit more heated on my end.”

“Still not- Oh! Wait, I think I remember you now.”

“Good, now-.”

“You were that slutty shorts guy!”

“...Now, we need to discuss Stanley. My brother has recently been apprehended by the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron. I called you here because I am aware you possess advanced transdimensional portal technology.”

“And what’s in it for me?”

“Excuse me?”

“You want my help? What can you give me for it?”

“I was under the impression you and Stanley were friends.”

“When he calls me I could at least expect a booty call.”

*Fiddleford in the background clearly tenses up, and angrily crosses his arms*

“But you? I can tell just by looking at you that, the only thing you’ve ever fucked is your own sleep schedule. Also, you just gave me a black eye, so excuse me if I’m not feeling charitable.”

“Why you selfish, short sighted, arrogant-.”

“Wait, those plans over there? Are those yours?”

“Those are my schematics, actually, Mister Rick.”

“Hmm, interesting. A gun that wipes out memories based on a typed-in word, phrase, or concept? Looks like it can be edited to store what’s removed as well, what a mindblower. Tell you what, Ford, I’ll get you teleported over to your superior half, with a way back, but your little lab partner lets me study his invention.”

“Fiddleford?”

“If it's what it takes to bring him back… but I’m not gonna like it.”

“Alright, Sanchez. He’ll share his concept with you. But in exchange you need to help us find and retrieve Stanley.”

“Finding him is easy enough, I had a tracking device stored into one of his molars. It shorts out any lesser tracking device.”

“He said you didn’t alter his physiology.”

“Oh, he doesn’t know about it. The shady dentist he went to who surgically re-grew all of his missing teeth, he owed me a few favours.”

“I have no idea what Stanley ever saw in you…”

“Ha! You think your brother’s some kind of saint? He once took a rocket gun, said “I am the god of destruction”, and vaporized an unmanned warehouse full of Galactic Federation pharmaceuticals, because the local supply depot didn't accept the prescription pad that he forged, in English.

He got us both banned from The Gambling Dimension because he wrote a three hundred page manifesto on bribery called The Holy Brible, which created a new religion called Stanentology that became the third most practiced faith in the entire dimension. And then he kept advising his followers to overthrow the government, kickstarting The Crusades.

One planet has a picture of him in the dictionary when you look up ‘customer complaint’, because he sold them really shitty copper.

He did a keg stand with liquid ecstasy once. You think it sounds insane, me just saying it? Imagine what it was like to see it. He did a keg stand with liquid ecstasy.”

“I am sure your influence did not help.”

“Oh, definitely. I know I made him worse, but he was already fucked up when I met him. Also, Ford, not using contractions doesn’t make you sound smarter. Just confirms how much of a hubristic turd you are.”

“Are you going to show us where in the Sam hell he is or not?”

“That southern guy has more bite than you do, Ford. Buuut, a deals a deal. Here we go.”

*Rick takes a cable and connects his watch to Fords computer, and then begins typing*

“Alright hot dick let’s see where you managed to get yourself cornered this time.”

“Stanford, you better hurry when you find Stan. Because if you leave me with this man for too long…”

“Yes, he is insufferable, I understand.”

“There he is. He’s in the Time Dimension - in the Future City Court Room? Ouch. That isn’t good, he’s wanted by the jurisdiction of Future City because he broke into their maximum security prison to get me off, and also out, twice. And they’re still pissed about it.”

“But you’ve pinpointed his location?”

“Yes. But I’m not giving you my portal gun, you couldn't possibly even begin to understand how to use it. Instead, you’re going to put this watch on. Here.”

“Fine.”

“I’m going to open a portal that will drop you directly next to him. When you’re ready to come back, just press the button on the side of the watch, it’ll send me a notification that you’re ready to come back, and I’ll open another portal for you.”

“I won’t be long - Fiddleford, keep an eye on the place. Sanchez, behave yourself.”

“You really do have less bite to you than Stan does, he would have told me to go kill myself.”

“The day's still young, Sanchez.”

(...)

“[The winner gets a precious Time Wish, and then decides the loser's fate. And you are officially ch-.]”

“WAIT!”

*Ford suddenly drops out of a green portal vortex right next to Stan, who is still in shackles. The portal winks out instantly.*

“Doc?!”

“Stanley, I cannot believe you thought you had to save me from-!”

“Both of us.”

“Excuse me?”

“They were never just gonna charge you for your weird brain crimes… They were gonna charge you with my stuff, too. And my rap sheets a lot longer than yours.”

“I would have done it anyways!”

“I know you would, that’s why I had to trick you. By the way… about those nightmares you caused- why did you do it?”

“You know why.”

“EXCUSE US?! This is unprecedented! An imposter among us?”

“I am the real Stanford!”

“No, he isn't! Don’t listen to him, he’s crazy!”

“SILENCE! Timebot, run a DNA analysis of the interloper.”

“[Scan complete. DNA 102% match for the accused, with a 2% margin of error.]”

“Identical twins? Clones? How can we possibly tell the difference between them, Lolph?”

“That new one has six fingers, and his glasses still have their lenses.”

“Yes, but our reports never specified the number of fingers of the suspect. And the suspect was always reported to be wearing goggles designed for skiing.”

“Really, Stanley? You judged me for the outfit I chose, and yet you-.”

“Can it, PhD. We both know you just like playing dress-up.”

“Why don’t we use footage from the Infinetentiary Break to count the fingers?”

“We cannot reliably do so, the graininess of the footage is cleared up by an A.I that almost never gets the amount of fingers right.”

“Nah, you listen here ya future jerks, you can’t tell us apart! If you’re gonna take us, you’re gonna have to take both of us- in combat. I want to specify and put that to record right now, I mean take us in combat.”

“Stanley, why are you repeating that?”

“Trust me. This one time, just trust me. Specification is important.”

“[Agents Dundgren and Lolph, do you accept a challenge of two versus two?]”

“We accept. We have advanced, expert training.”

“And those two are just a pair of nobodies with many identities under their belts, but no true purpose with any of them.”

“Hey, doc?”

“Yes?”

“I’m gonna punch that guy.”

“Understandable.”

*A large hole opens up above the arena, and the Time Baby floats out of it, and the crowd in the arena goes wild*

“Welcome Globnar tributes! I have a very important nap to get to so let's make this quick. You each have a chance to settle your time-crimes through gladiatorial combat.”

“[You will have until Time Baby finishes drinking the cosmic sand in this hourglass.]”

“Get ready, Stans. When we win and decide your fate, you’ll both be subject to the maximum punishment under time law.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Stanley! Put the finger- fingers, down!”

“...Dundgren, why is the pudgy one giving us the universal symbol for good luck?”

“Maybe he’s taunting us by suggesting that we will need luck to beat them.”

“That one is tricky. I’ll be sure to stab him before he becomes a problem.”

To be continued…

[kimbolimbo0428]

Been thinking about this Gravity Falls comic by MoringMark wherein Soos gifts his slice of infinite pizza from the episode "Blendin's Game" to Pizza Guy. It's a very simple yet wholesome comic that I was more than happy to accept as headcanon... uuuuuuuntil I looked back at the official Journal 3 and found this page specifically referencing the idea that Soos is the only one who could eat it and have it regenerate.

However, I think I've found a way to make this comic still work into the canon of the show if people wish: creating my own headcanon fanfiction short story!

This short story acts as a summary of what I believe could've possibly constituted an entire episode of the series. It takes place between "The Stanchurian Candidate" and "The Last Mabelcorn."

So, without further ado, I give you...

"Space-Timed Order"

Soos decides that he no longer wants his Infinity Pizza, saying that he’s had enough pizza to last him a lifetime. Not knowing what else to do with it, as he is the only one with the ability to eat it and have it regenerate forever, he shares his predicament with Dipper. The two talk to Ford in hopes of finding a way to bypass the rule that only Soos can make the Infinity Pizza regenerate. Fascinated by how such a thing was even capable of existing, Ford asked about its origins. Dipper and Soos explained that was the result of a time wish won through Globnar, which reminded Ford of the time he was almost outwitted by operatives of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron during his time as an interdimensional outlaw. This event seemed to have been something of a blow to his ego. Hoping to show that his intellect was indeed superior to the intricate powers of Time Baby himself, Ford took on the task of analyzing the Infinity Pizza in order to find a way to remove its bond with Soos. Dipper and Ford geek out about the implications and possibilities should he succeed, such as ending world hunger or even applying such infinite regeneration to other resources. However, in attempting to crack the code on the Infinity Pizza, Ford nearly caused a rift in the space-time continuum. Without the help of Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron operatives Lolph and Dundgren, all of timespace might have collapsed. After being brought before Time Baby and narrowly avoiding punishment for their actions, Soos, Dipper, and Ford attempted to convince the time tyrant to break the Soos-only restriction of the Infinity Pizza. Time Baby explained that this was not possible as an openly-accessible gateway to creating infinite matter would ultimately cannibalize the universe itself as matter cannot be created from nothing. The reason that the pizza was able to infinitely regenerate was the result of the Time Anomaly Removal Crew’s seemingly infinite supply of useless contraband being discarded and molecularly reconstituted into pizza at Soos’ fingertips. When Soos asked if they could instead just bond the abilities of the pizza to someone else, Time Baby and his forces obliged on the condition that Ford must never again attempt to counteract the laws of spacetime, to which Ford agreed in a somewhat defeated manner. When faced with the question of who was worthy of the limitless power of the Infinity Pizza, Soos could think of only one person whose hunger for pizza could’ve outweighed his own.

Did I really write all of this to justify a silly comic? Yes, yes I did.

[fordofthefalls]

Do you know why people keep appearing through dimensions and time? People meeting themselves from different time and universes? People suddenly appearing...

Because, I'm very curious, but I'm not smart enough to figure out why.

999 666 88 0 3 666 66 ' 8 0 66 33 33 3 0 8 666 0 2 66 777 9 33 777 0 8 44 444 7777 0 444 333 0 999 666 88 0 3 666 66 ' 8 0 9 2 66 8 0 8 66 .

-66 666 55 444 2 0 2 66 666 66

(44 666 9 0 2 777 33 0 999 666 88 0 3 666 444 66 4 0 8 666 3 2 999 ?)

Hm, well, I suppose it could be an inter-dimensional convergence. That's where two or more dimensions briefly unite. This phenomenon can create strange occurrences such as what you've mentioned: meeting themselves from other times or even other dimensions entirely. It's much like peeling apart layers of an onion - each new layer can be likened to another dimension existing concurrently yet independently... until something triggers their conjunction.

However, these convergences are quite rare due to the astronomical energy required to rend the fabric of space-time itself -- to put it simply, not many beings possess this capability.

I must caution that dabbling with time and multidimensional phenomena has serious consequences--paradoxes are hardly merely theoretical musings when faced with reality unraveling at the seams-- as fascinating as crossing dimensions can be; one must always remember they are treading on thin ice over deep waters.

Plus, one may just run afoul of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron.

( I'm doing great today! Exhausted due to lack of sleep... but great! )

[yahoo201027]

September 1: Happy 53rd Birthday to Dave Wittenberg, who provided the voices of the Giant, Time Manipulating Baby who was the last son of his race as well as the tyrannical supreme ruler of the future as Time Baby and one of the members of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron as Lolph on Gravity Falls; and the English voice of the Captain of Team 7/Team Kakashi, member of Team Minato, and the Sixth Hokage as Kakashi Hatake on Naruto.

[sixersigned]

" Time Hopper? " he questions, vaguely interested - but it's only because there's something familiar about this. He thinks he has it, for a moment. " You're not familiar with the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron? " Why on Earth they had that lengthy of a title, he's no idea.

" Hm? Oh, sorry, I don't know what the 'proper' term for the word is, but I called it a time hopper. I don't use it all that often, but it makes things a lot easier. "

[yet-another-fan-girl9]

Aah, yes, the Time Variance Authority

[nothingavailable]

My SCP Story Overview

https://archiveofourown.org/works/37047691/chapters/92439373

Contact GOIs:

Plumbers

Secret Scientists

Lobotomy Corporation

Military Extra-terrestrial Research Facility

Magnus Institute

Earth Protection Force

Private Anti-Biohazard Service

Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance

Federal Bioterrorism Commission

Terrasave

Blue Umbrella

X-Files Unit

Area Fifty-Something

Sector Seven

NEST

Cemetery Wind

Transformers Reaction Force

Unit:E

G.H.O.S.T.

Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron

Shadow Board

Cognito, Inc.

D.H.O.R.K.S.

Mutant Response Division

Damage Control

Time Variance Authority

World Heroes Association

Hero Public Safety Commission

A.R.G.U.S. {1, 2, 3, 4}

Diclonii Research Institute

Commission of Counter Ghoul

Fire Defense Agency

Tokyo Army

Special Fire Force

World Heroes Force

Death Weapon Meister Academy

Hypnos

Digimon Data Squad

Time Force

Space Patrol Delta

Grid Battleforce

Galactic Guardian Group

Soul Society

Special Forces

Outer World Investigation Agency

Tokyo

Alphabet Project

S.H.I.E.L.D.

H.A.M.M.E.R.

S.P.E.A.R. {1}

S.T.A.K.E.

A.R.M.O.R.

S.W.O.R.D.

A.C.O.R.N.

S.I.C.K.L.E.

S.L.E.E.P.

W.A.N.D.

T.I.M.E.

S.T.A.R. Labs

Providence

Men in Black

Special Alien/Extraterrestrial Containment Team

Guys in White

Silver Guardians

Earth Defense Command

Federal Bureau of Control

Chaldea Security Organization

G.U.N.

Global Defense Agency

For an extensive list see here.

[stanuary]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Gravity Falls Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Stan Pines, Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron, Pyronica (Gravity Falls), Xanthar (Gravity Falls), Kryptos (Gravity Falls), Time Baby (Gravity Falls) Additional Tags: Same Coin Theory (Gravity Falls), (if you want it to be), pardon the dr strangelove reference, stan is smart but in an organizational change way, who knew, Stanuary 2021 Summary:

Stan hadn't meant to go to space jail. He especially didn't expect to break out of space jail and become an intergalactic crime boss.

It just sorta happened.

(For Stanuary: Crime)

[starsandpigs]

her head is still reeling. dimension hopping is exhausting and she and grunkle ford have been doing it for what feels like months. trying to find where they belong. the correct dimension. she never realizes they might also be time hopping when they do it. the time police-- or Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron, if she has to get technical, is not a fun group to deal with. she's assured that she has a twin brother still in this world. she doesn't think it's hers. her brother is twelve, going on thirteen, just alongside her as well. this is a whole guy and she hates feeling like this.

she wishes grunkle ford and her could just go back and find their true timeline. their true dimension because this couldn't be it. there was no possible way her brother kept aging while she didn't. had it truly been over 10 years? it was a fact she hated to think about. she hated this. sleeping in this place was rough, too. she felt so abnormal here. something touched her and it felt wet, she sleepily called the dog 'waddles' and hugged it hard and went back to drool on it before realizing the fur texture was wrong. this wasn't waddles. she woke up and looked at her surroundings, trying to sleepily figure out what shapes the darkness had gathered for her today.

She hears 'dipper' and mabel finds herself looking at the dog, who then has a happy little tail wag. " Where's Waddles?" is all she asks her brother at first, her hands balling up in anxiety as she grips the dog's fur to try and calm herself down. He has to be okay. She looks around for a sign of her pig and then makes a face at the reality that she can't seem to find him at this very moment. It was okay, maybe he just didn't live with Dipper.

she seems so timid towards her brother, it's almost uncharacteristic, but this was a stranger and God as her witness, Ford and her had seen too many strangers for her to be even remotely comfortable anymore.

@starsandpigs explores : 46. for a suspicious starter

STARTER CALL 2.0. always accepting.

He freezes.

He can hear his blood pounding in his ears, his legs shaking, his body clammy with a cold sweat. But he can’t look away from the bedroom. He won’t. 

He needs to calm down.

Kid. Dipper. Mason, please. Come back, peanut. C’mon, his inner Stan urges, and everything in him wants to run downstairs and wake him up. But he’s twenty-three. He’s gotta look after Stan now, not the other way around. 

Five things you can see, four things you can.. three… five…

A cold, wet nose bumps into his hand, silky fur beneath his fingers. 

“…Sadie?” he breathes. “Sadie...” 

She whines. 

“Sadie, you see her too. Right?” he asks, breathlessly. “She’s… real?” 

Sadie plods into the room. Her tail wags as she sniffs the soundly sleeping little girl. Satisfied, she lays her head on the comforter and turns her mismatched eyes toward the hallway. 

Dipper exhales, shakily, skimping against the doorjamb and running a hand through his hair. 

“Okay,” he murmurs. “Okay. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. She’s home. Grunkle Ford is back, it worked, it’s all—“ 

Then she moves and he has to stop himself from screaming and waking the whole house up. 

“Go back to sleep, May-May.” He’s trying desperately not to sound as unbelievably freaked out as he actually is. “It’s like… crazy early. And uh, don’t mind… don’t mind Sadie. My, um, my dog, Sadie?... She probably just wants to hang out and nap. She’s a really good pillow, actually.” 

[orangeoctopi7]

Back in My Day

I’ve been very busy the last half of the month, between my grandpa’s funeral and getting sick, so the idea I originally had for @Stanuary week 4 sadly hasn’t gotten off the ground. (It was just gonna be a very silly crossover with Atop the Fourth Wall’s Contest of Champions, and I may come back to it when I don’t feel like I swallowed a gallon of mucus) Instead, I’m posting the first chapter of a WIP I’ve been sitting on for a while that will have Stan in a fight later on. So it sorta fits.

***

After the flash of brilliant blue light, Ford realized he was no longer standing in the living room of the Mystery Shack. Instead, he was standing in a much smaller living room, with painfully bright yellow and orange 70’s style wallpaper. The same kind they used to have in their home in Glass Shard Beach. In fact, it was the same wallpaper.

“Hey, are ya gonna stand there gawkin’ like a pigeon all day, or are ya gonna move out from in front of the TV?” A harsh voice asked from behind him. 

Ford whipped around to see his father sitting in his old favorite green-and-red plaid chair. The scientist looked down at his hands and saw that they were young and soft, rather than worn and calloused from years of work and travel. But in his left hand he still clutched the Time Tape, the one Shermie had claimed was broken.

“Whatcha got there, slick?” Filbrick asked, spotting the Time Tape.

“Uhhh... tape... measurer?” Ford said slowly. He’d certainly gotten better at lying over the years, but he wasn’t prepared for this. “For…” he looked around and tried to guess the year he’d come back to, “...for my science fair project?”

“That’s not one of mine.” Filbrick observed, “Where’d you get it?”

Stanford was saved from having to come up with a convincing lie when they heard Stanley thunder down the stairs and burst into the room. In the split-second the twins’ eyes met, Ford knew Stan was going through the exact same thing he was.

“Borrowed it from school!” Stan explained, too loudly.

Even though they couldn’t see their father’s eyes behind the old man’s shades, it was clear he was rolling them. “Just as long as you didn’t waste any money buying a new one when we got perfectly good tools at home. Now get outta the way before the commercials end.”

Stan and Ford dashed back up the stairs to their room and slammed the door tightly behind them

“What the heck is going on!?” Stan exclaimed as soon as they were alone. “How are we back here and pimply teenagers?”

“Well, obviously,” Ford’s voice cracked, and he cleared his voice before continuing, “Obviously the Time Tape brought us back here.”

“But Shermie said that thing’s been broken for years!” Stan’s voice cracked right back. “You didn’t fix it, did you?”

“Well, I was just testing it to try and see what was wrong with it. I didn’t think it would actually take us back in time!” Ford pulled their calendar off the wall. It read January 15th, 1969. 44 years before the present they had left… and four months before that fateful day at the Science Fair.

Stan’s expression brightened as he looked at the calendar. “Wait, Ford, we could fix things! Stop your science fair project from breaking, stop Dad from kicking me out!”

Ford’s face fell, and he glanced at his desk. The perpetual motion machine was still in its early building stages, just a few parts of the frame lying still next to the blueprints, and a half-finished methods paper.

“Stan, I know it’s tempting, but it’s an incredibly bad idea! Changing that event would alter a lot of things in our timeline. If we don’t part at the end of our Senior year, we might never defeat Bill!”

“Yeah, and you might never meet him in the first place! Let that jerk be someone else’s problem!”

“And Dipper and Mabel might never be born! At the very least they would be very different people when we returned.”

Stan's eyes widened. “I-I hadn’t thought of that…. I don’t want that….”

“And that’s even assuming we could change the timeline in the first place!” Ford continued to ramble on, despite the fact that his point had been made. “From what I understand, changing the greater flow of time is absurdly difficult. Dipper had to go through over thirty different permutations just to win a carnival game! Then there’s the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron to worry about--”

“OK,OK, I get it!” Stan held his hands up placatingly, “Let’s just get back to 2013 then!”

Ford pulled the tape out 44 years and pressed the forward button. Nothing happened.

“Ah, so that’s how it’s broken.” He commented, deceptively calm.

“What!? Don’t tell me we’re stuck here!”

“No, no, I’m sure I can fix it…”

“And how long is that gonna take?”

Ford pinched the bridge of his nose. “Well, if I had my lab and my tools back in Gravity Falls, it would just be a matter of hours, but here… a few days? A week? Maybe more?”

Stan groaned loudly and flopped back onto his bottom bunk.. “So basically, you have no clue. How am I supposed to resist the urge to change the timeline in the meantime?”

“I know it’s not going to be easy, but we really don’t have any other options. We just need to try and stick to the original timeline as much as possible.”

“Crap, Ford, I barely remember what happened throughout this entire year, let alone some random day!”

“I know, I know!” Ford sighed and sat down with a thump at his desk. “I don’t remember much in the way of specifics either. We’ll just have to stick to whatever seems like a normal routine.”

Chapter 2: Stupid Teen Emotions

[toooldforfandom-liveblogs]

Gravity Falls S02E08 - Blendin’s Game

Obviously about Blendin! And the first frame of the episode makes me think he really went to jail. Because of the twins. Uhm. That sounds very bad when written like that. I assume the game is about getting revenge? I don't know, so let's do this!

Trying to remember who Blendin was I noticed something in the episode where he appears that I hadn't noticed (or remembered) before: the glasses Stan finds in "Carpet Diem” are the glasses he's wearing in the cabin when the twins are time traveling. But if they are his, why is he so worried about hiding them or getting lost in thought while seeing them? He _did_ pretend he didn't know about the room so the hiding part makes sense but not the rest...

Maybe the glasses are not his and he was borrowing them in that screenshot? But who borrows glasses? I think I'm more confused than before. Anyway, to the episode!

He escaped! And now he's going to make sure the twins' parents never have them.

That... makes a dangerous amount of sense. I can already feel my brain ungluing itself to make sense of a time travel episode.

HOW IS IT A LIVE FEED IF IT'S IN THE PAST, IT COULD BE ANY TIME PERIOD MY BRAAAAIN

Are they finally going to discover Stan's portal this episode? Nah, still too soon. And McGucket is probably still trying to remember so the plot is in hiatus.

But whyyyyyy. Give me his backstory or give me death.

Wow.

Wow, those subtitles. There's no way to get "Esperaminguo" from "Alzamirano" in any language.

Aw, his signature is so cute.

Mabel keeps being a monster, for the second episode in a row. Imagine doing that to Candy, especially knowing that Candy can and will kill you.

For some reason I feel like this is going to go wrong. Like Soos doesn't like birthdays or they are somehow traumatic or something.

Or the time cops appear and kidnap the twins for tribute making _future_ birthdays traumatic?

I'd eat cake-flavored pizza but pizza-flavored cake sounds wrong.

Ah, there's the trauma. For me.

Was he abandoned on his birthday? Maybe a promise to return from someone that was never fulfilled? He does live with his grandma so _something_ happened to his parents.

oh no, they _are_ leaving Soos's side. This is going to be sad, isn't it?

And this show is for kids.

I can't believe that worked.

I'm glad they understand what they are doing to me.

So, 10 years in the past... that makes Soos 14? But not far enough to find out anything _too_ intriguing about Stan.

Gravity Falls is where dreams go to die.

_wow_ this is amazing

That's the cutest goat ever.

Is that Soos? On his birthday? Did the twins ruin someone else's life with time travel? Oh no. Also this is a paradoooooooooooox

Because of you, somehow.

oh _no_

oh _noo_

oof, my heart

It'd change too many things if they get his dad to come back...

I wonder if (maybe after seeing what could happen) they wish for Stan to meet him. Or maybe they wish to make Soos happy and nothing changes because meeting Stan changed Soos's life?

Is that screwdriver how Soos gets an interest in how to fix things?

I was thinking that the music was very Tron and there you go

What did I tell you? A monster.

I'm glad they are actually acknowledging this because it _was_ pretty screwed up looking back.

I expected feels but I didn't expect to get so many. Oh wow, I got all teary-eyed.

That _is_ a good wish. Now I want pizza. What's with Gravity Falls always making me hungry?

awwwwwwwwwwww, I expected something a lot more dramatic but sometimes there's no need for that.

JOIN THE TIME PARADOX AVOIDANCE ENFORCEMENT SQUADRON! GREAT HOURS! SOLID BENEFITS! SIGN UP YESTERDAY!

---

Soos's backstory! Finally! And it wasn't at all what I expected. I mean, I knew something had to have happened to Soos for him to latch on to Stan but in the end Stan was just in the right place at the right time to give the kid a chance.

It wasn't an earth-shattering episode, as it could have been considering that it had timetravel and there's a secret hidden 30 years in the past, but it was a heartwarming one and that's enough.

Until next time!

[tinfoil-jones]

Gravity Falls: For Your Own Good, Ch.21

Summary: A few years after moving to Gravity Falls and having his lab built, Stanford Pines happens upon his estranged twin brother, Stanley. He mentally prepared himself to be suffocated by his brothers neediness all over again - what he wasn't prepared for was Stanley walking right past him like he didn't even notice him.

Rating: M for language, violence, and adult implications

Preface: Dialogue only, but some actions will be annotated for clarity. Cross-Posted on AO3 Here.

The scene between Ch.20 and Ch.21 (the immediate result of Ford seeing Stans death, and Bills reveal) was not shown on purpose. Because it was a very emotionally intimate affair. It's up to the readers' interpretation how Ford and Stan reacted after they left the dreamscape. I will tell you this time Ford was HONEST-honest, like he even told him the truth about Bill and that's how Stan came back.

Bill's Nicknames:

Ford: Fordsy, Sixer, IQ

Stan: Slick, (ex)Conman, PTSD Barnum

Fiddleford: (The) Hick, Glasses, McSuckit

Stan’s Nicknames:

Ford: PhD, Doc, any synonym for the word ‘crazy’

Fiddleford: Specs, Stretch, F

Bill: Lashes, (One-Eyed) Demon, (The) Triangle

“(italics)” Indicates that the speaker is speaking in Spanish (unless stated otherwise). This author only knows English, and I did not want to misrepresent Spanish by using Google Translate.

When people are in the dreamscape together, their dialogue is written normally. But if Bill and Ford are communicating in Fords head without the mindscape, Bills dialogue is in "italics", and Fords dialogue is in 'apostrophes and italics' like thoughts are. Memories are written entirely in italics.

First - Prev - Next

CH.21

RING

RING

CLICK

“Hello, Dr. McGucket speaking.”

“Is it double-doctor yet, F?”

“Well I’ll be! It’s good to hear from the case study himself. How you doin’ this evening, Stan?”

“I’m doing pretty great actually, hiding out from d- Stanford.”

“Still having trouble using real names, darlin?”

“I know now he’s my real, actual, twin. But… I dunno specs, it’s hard to see myself as his brother; there’s still a lot of stuff I don’t remember.”

“Still uncoverin’ small memories' day-by-day?”

“Yeah, mostly going through childhood stuff now… still having trouble with his- our, parents faces. Feelings get too big for my brain to handle with that subject.”

“I'm still beside myself that the key to helping you uncover your lost memories was Stanford’s meditative exercises. The answer was right in front of us the whole time!”

“...Yea’.”

“Stan, have you… thought about reporting yourself as alive to the authorities? I know it’s been over a year since that car accident, but there hadn’t been a body…”

“Not yet… I got a lot of enemies, stretch. I don’t wanna bring all that trouble to Gravity Falls, ya know?”

“Yeah, you bring enough trouble all on your own.”

“Were you always such a smartass, McGucket?”

“I usually hear ‘sassy’.”

“Heh. I’d believe it. By the way, did your beard like the biker chick I sent her way?”

“You can say 'wife' Stan, you don’t have to say beard every time just because we’re- oh that don’t matter none right now. I have half a mind to cane your hands after that disaster.”

“Disaster? Jimmy told me they had a great time!”

“... Stan, when you described this woman to us, you said she was ‘extremely hot, out of this world, and holds other people accountable’.”

“Was I wrong?”

“You didn’t tell us she was a partially undead psychopomp who can transform into a flaming skeleton, and drags people down the fiery yonder under the weight of their sins!”

“I’m not hearing the part where I was wrong.”

“It wasn’t easy explaining to Tater where Old Man Jenkins went…”

“Trust me, if he got dragged ‘down’ he deserved it. Jimmy tried that on me once, and Hell decided I wasn’t bad enough. But hey, sounds like you’ve been having more fun than me.”

“And what have you and Stanford been up to?”

“He’s a little pissy right now.”

“What did you do?”

“Why do you always think I did something?”

“...”

“Point taken. Every time I go into town I pretend to be him, right? Well, the townsfolk of Gravity Falls don’t just think he’s a menace, they also see him as some kind of cryptid too. They’re always wanting to check out his creepy cabin in the woods and whatever freaky science stuff he has lying around.”

“Okay…”

“I may have let some people look at his paranormal stuff while he was asleep in his lab. For a price, of course.”

“Stan!”

“What? It’s not like he’s patenting anything right now, and the grant moneys gonna run out eventually. Especially with the late fee’s he’s accrued over the years. He wants me to stay here, but keeps shooting down my attempts at contributing.”

“Your last attempt at contributing was raiding Mayor Befufftlefumpter’s estate and stealing a Fabergé egg.”

“That was honestly more for me. I’m still mad about him triple-stabbing me when I tried mugging him months ago. That old codger has more ruthlessness than you’d think.”

“Well, you ain't goin' on more revenge quests when I come back down in three days are you? Can you not do that, for me?”

“Fine, I promise; no vengeance plots anywhere in this house.”

(...)

“Stanford’s Log: Vengeance Plot number fifteen.”

“Bill, what are you going on about this time?”

“Just narrating your elaborate revenge scheme against that list of people who tried to kill your brother.”

“Please refrain, my muse.”

“Ah, no fun Fordsy. So, which poor sap are you creating brutal nightmares for this time?”

“Did you finally find that monster from the homeless shelter?”

“I had to jump around the minds of a few vagrants, cops, and humanitarian workers to piece the details together, but it looks like someone already beat you to the punch Sixer. That guy was shanked to death in an alleyway seven years ago over a bag of coarse-grain Himalayan pink salt he thought was crystal meth.”

“I was looking forward to that one… He deserved worse.”

“Aww, don’t be too disappointed Sixer. This next guy is the one who locked him in the trunk of a car and dropped it into a reservoir. Ironically, he has a fear of small spaces and the dark! Also, public speaking. I think you have a fair bit to work with there.”

“Well then. Project me into his mind, and I’ll be sure to be creative.”

(...)

“For the short amount of time you’ve been able to manifest yourself here, you have a surprisingly high degree of control over your mindscape.”

“All ya need is a little imagination PhD, you should try it sometimes.”

“I will stick to what is tried and true.”

“Hey, when am I gonna be able to jump around headspaces like you?”

“I’m afraid it is not an ability that can be learned or taught, manipulating your own mindscape is something you can learn and train in, or have a natural aptitude for like yourself or our mother. The reason I’m able to traverse the mindscape of others is because of my deal with-”

“Meeee!”

“Oh fuck! What are you doing here, ya One-Eyed Demon? I told you you’re not welcome here.”

“Well hello to you too, slick. That’s some way to greet your saviour.”

“If you’re a saviour, I’m Madeline Kahn.”

“Besides; you know good ole’ Fordsy can’t go anywhere without me. We’re partners; through all of time, space, and creepy shipping art.”

“Stanley, Bill, please. Do not make this dream session another fight.”

“I’m watching you, Triangle.”

“Get your two-eyed privilege out of my vertices, ex-con man.”

“Enough. Stanley, as far as your memories go this may be a painful topic, but somebody had to have tampered with your car. Do you have any idea who would’ve done that?”

“Lots of people have tried to kill me so I can’t really think of anyone specifically who stands out. As far as hating me the most goes, it's a tie between the IRS and the City of Tijuana.”

“...Why does the City of Tijuana hold such contempt for you?”

“I was banned from there after they figured out the ‘corn tortillas’ I was selling were really just flour tortillas I mixed with sand.”

“...You are being serious, right now?”

“Mhmm.”

“There is an entire city’s worth of people in Mexico who would go out of their way to tamper with your vehicle and have you killed just because you were selling them flour tortillas and telling them they were corn tortillas?”

“I wouldn’t say the whole city, just their judicial department, police force, a dozen clubs, at least seven gangs, a prison, and this one guy who sold even worse tortillas.”

“They should have drawn and quartered him.”

“Bill!”

“Some crimes just can’t be forgiven, Fordsy.”

(...)

“Saddle up, Stan.”

“I’ve never used one of these, Jimmy…”

“Better learn quick, before the Taxman gets you first, (brother).”

“How old were you when this happened, Stanley?”

“Oh, god, I don’t really remember. Eighteen? Nineteen? I wasn’t new-new to the streets, but I was pretty fresh compared to the rest of the biker gang.”

“You were still a teenager, and she just handed you a shotgun?”

CLICK-CLICK

“I’ll put ya inta the fuckin’ ground!”

“Are you?”

“I-I…”

“Are you really going to shoot me, son?”

“Yeah!”

“Well do it then, shoot me.”

“... Oh for fucks-”

CRACK

“Didja shoot him, Stan?”

“...Yeah, I killed him. He’s dead.”

“Good, let’s get the fuck out of here, (run quickly)!”

“You didn’t shoot him?”

“Naw, just cracked him with the buttstock… I never killed nobody, doc. I was always kinda soft compared to the other guys, ya know?”

“I wouldn’t say that makes you soft, it’s admirable that despite everything, there were lines you wouldn’t cross. And, about that taxman…”

“Yeah I dunno what shit the IRS is on, and it didn’t matter what name I was using, they always managed to find me.”

“That agent you just spared went to your ‘funeral’.”

“I’m not surprised, he was always telling me that it wasn’t over.”

(...)

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK

“Oh no, holy shit, we need to leave.”

“Stanley, what are you talking about?”

“I know that knock, that’s the cops. Doc, we gotta run!”

“Don’t be ridiculous, why in the right mind would-”

CRASH

“STANFORD FILBRICK PINES THIS IS THE TIME PARADOX AVOIDANCE ENFORCEMENT SQUADRON AND BY THE ORDER OF TIME BABY YOU ARE WANTED UNDER SUSPICION OF MEMORY TRESPASSING, RECKLESS PERCEPTION DILATION, AND UNLICENSED NIGHTMARE FUELING.”

“...Stay here, Stanley. I’m going to see what it is they want.”

“Wait-.”

“Stay here, don’t follow me.”

“...Fine.”

“This is Dr. Stanford Pines. How can I help you?

“Dr. Pines, I am Agent Lolph and this is my partner, Agent Dundgren. We are agents under the cosmic being known as Time Baby, and you are under arrest for suspicion in extradimensional criminal affairs. ”

‘Cipher, can they do this?’

“Yes, cosmic authorities are beyond the need for warrants.”

‘Is there anything I can do?’

“Say ‘I invoke Globnar’.”

“What is that?”

‘Just do it, Fordsy. I can't represent you in transdimensional court, and you really don't want me to.’

“Does The Accused have anything to say? Anything you say can and already has been used against you in future court.”

“I invoke Globnar.”

“Are you challenging us to Globnar?”

“Say yes. To avoid charges.”

“Yes. To clear the accusations against me.”

“So be it. May Time Baby have mercy on your soul. You have 48 hours to prepare.”

(...)

“Ya telling me you breaking into peoples mind has been a real, cosmic level crime this whole time?!”

“Yes… More specifically, doing so without permission. I had your consent to access your dreamscape, so that instance wasn’t illegal.”

“God, PhD, how many brains have you been breaking and entering?”

“Details are not important.”

“And what did Lashes tell you about this… Glob thing?”

“It is gladiatorial time combat, in which tributes can either find justice, or face the whims of the winner.”

“So you’re going to fight those guys?”

“That might be one of the challenges, there are several. It is a point-based system.”

“Let me go with you.”

“Absolutely not, Stanley! I will not subject you to the consequences of-.”

“Come on, doc. There’s two of them, and I’ve dealt with all kinds of pigs before; foreign, domestic, transdimensional, and space-faring.”

“No. That’s my final answer. Do not bring this up again. I will be fine.”

(...)

“Hey Doc, I’m back from the- what’s with that get up?”

“You told me the multiverse was cold and dry.”

“So you needed a turtleneck, scarf, and ski goggles?”

“Yes.”

“And what’s with the belt around your chest?”

“What if I need to sling something like a gun onto my back?”

“And it’s all black because…?”

“I don’t need to hear fashion judgement from you when your knit cap is covering almost all of your head.”

“I was pretending to be you in town again, genius. Is this… this how you’re preparing for that Nobglar thing?”

“Globnar, Stanley. They’ll be here in twenty minutes… are you going to try to convince me to bring you along again?”

“Would it work if I did?”

“No.”

“Figured as much. Before you go, can I at least wish you luck?”

“... I’d appreciate that.”

"High six?”

“High six.”

CLICK

*Looks down and see’s Stan jabbed him in the abdomen with the tranquilizing gun. Looks back up at Stan. Looks back down at the gun slightly longer. Then looks back up at Stan again.*

“I’m sorry, Stanford.”

*Stan rips off his beanie. His hair’s been cut to the same length as Fords*

“But this is for your own good.”

To be continued…

[anistarrose]

Some Sunny Day Bonus Chapter 2: Time Crimes

Summary: Stan is accused of time travel crimes he doesn’t remember committing.

Warnings: none

AO3

Something of an alternate prologue to SSD, set a few months before the events the fic. (Sorry for the long break, by the way! I wrote this a while ago, but kept getting distracted first by other projects, and then later by college.)

***

Stan and Ford were walking away from a local diner, back to the pier where their boat was docked, when the Time Police officers showed up.

“This is the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron! Put your hands where I can see them!” their apparent leader shouted, brandishing a massive laser gun. Her eyes were covered by an intimidating black visor dotted with blinking green lights, and Ford didn’t doubt that she could shoot lasers out of it too if needed.

Slowly, he raised his hands in the air, and begrudgingly, Stan did the same.

“Which one of you is Stanford Pines, and which is Stanley Pines?” the leader barked.

“Depends on which one of them is in trouble,” Stan replied without missing a beat. A few of the time cops snickered.

“You’re both in trouble, but Stanley is in a whole lot more,” the lead officer replied.

“I’m Ford, then,” Stan answered. Ford groaned.

“You know, I can’t quite put my finger on why, but I somehow doubt that,” the officer told them. “In any case, Stanford Pines — whichever one of you he may be — has been charged with one count of assisting the perpetuation of an unregistered stable time loop. That refers to one time loop, mind you, not the number of actions taken to perpetuate it — but it’s still a third-degree time felony, so you’d best be calling your time lawyer!”

Stan gave Ford an accusatory glare. Ford, genuinely clueless, responded with a shrug.

“And Stanley,” the officer went on, “oh Stanley, Stanley, Stanley. Where do I even start?”

As Stan squirmed uncomfortably, she pulled out a sleek black tablet and began to rattle off:

“Time traveling without a permit. Failing to disclose yourself as a time traveler to TPAES officers you interacted with. Actively participating in an unregistered stable time loop spanning multiple decades. One count of causing indirect but intentional harm to your past self, two counts of causing direct harm to a past self or selves, leaving you with a grand total of six time crimes, three of which are first-degree time felonies!”

“Stanley, what the fuck?!” Ford blurted out, grabbing Stan by the shoulders. “I can barely even imagine accomplishing half of this if I tried!”

“I don’t know what she’s talking about!” Stan replied. “Time crime is, like, the only type of crime I haven’t done! You’ve gotta believe me!”

Ford turned back to the officers. “Would you at least give us some details about when and how we allegedly committed these crimes? Do you know if we’ve actually committed them yet, for one thing?”

“No can do,” the lead officer told him. “Details are redacted.”

“All of them?”

“All of them.”

One of the lower-ranking officers whistled.

“You don’t see with just any case,” the leader explained, “so needless to say, you two have really gotten yourself in some deep time shit.”

“Well, that’s some bullshit,” Ford declared. “How do you know you’re not creating a paradox yourself, by throwing us in prison before we can actually do the things you want to arrest us for?”

“You can take it up with Time Baby if you want. My job is just to bring you to time trial — and speaking of which, are you going to come peacefully, or will I have to restrain you?”

Stan elbowed Ford. “These are the same time cops who have the gladiatorial combat for freedom thing, right?” he whispered. “Do you think we could just go along for now, and then win at that later?”

“Probably,” Ford whispered back. “But I’m still trying to figure out what we even did, and why —”

He was interrupted by the lead officer’s tablet as it let out a high-pitched ping, the screen illuminating and bathing the officer’s face in soft pink light.

Stanley and Stanford Pines have henceforth and hencebackwards been pardoned for all time crimes past, present, future, and outside of time itself, the tablet announced in a lilting voice. Please direct all your inquiries to the time and space between time and space, and thank you for your quick correction of any charges placed against the two.

“This — I’ve never seen this happen before!” the officer stammered, holding her tablet at an arm’s length. “Who the hell are you two?”

“We’re Stan and Ford Pines,” Stan replied. “You seemed like you had that down before — what gives?”

The officer passed on the tablet to a nervous-looking subordinate, and retrieved a time tape from her belt.

“If you earned a pardon from a force above Time Baby himself,” she said, “then that can’t be all you are.”

“Wait, what force?” Ford asked. “Who pardoned us?”

But the squadron of time cops had already disappeared, whisked off to who-knows-what century.

***

(Thanks for reading, comments/reblogs are appreciated as always! I’ve kind of been waffling back and forth regarding how canon I want to consider this scene, since I think it would raise Ford’s suspicions much more than they were raised at the beginning of SSD, so to speak — but it’s still very funny to me, and I wanted to put it out there in the world.)

If you’re a fan of my Same Coin Theory stuff, you may also be interested in:

-These headcanons I wrote up, about how Stan knows things he shouldn’t

-This one-shot from earlier this month! It doesn’t have to be interpreted as Same Coin, but it is Stan and Axolotl-centric, and I think it meshes pretty well with the Axolotl’s role in SSD.

[beelieveinfandom]

Haunted and Hunted  Chapter Six

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6               AO3 Link 

“Oh,” Alcor smiled widely. “So you want to make a deal?”

“I want to never have the future tell me what to do again,” Vin said firmly. “If making a deal is the way to get that done, then fuck yeah deal me up.”

“Vin,” Renee said gently. “I’m not going to tell you not to do this, but you are talking about making a deal with the most powerful demon we know about. Please be careful.”

“Oh you know me.” Vin waved his hand like he were clearing away the insinuation that he, of all people, might be anything other than cautious. “‘Careful’ is my true name. Now, what do I gotta give you to get you to eat my third eye or whatever?”

Renee winced.

Alcor considered the situation for a moment. On one hand, there was so much potential here. This kid had no idea what he was doing in the slightest and really wanted this; Alcor could get a lot out of him. On the other hand, this was Vin; he’d been through a heck of a lot and Alcor was going to profit no matter what happened. He really didn’t need to squeeze everything he could out of this desperate child. Even if it would be fun. Even if the kid was dumb enough to trust him. Especially because the kid had enough faith in him to trust him. He was one of the most powerful entities in this dimension; he didn’t need to maximize his profit with every single deal.

Alcor sighed. “Okay, now I really don’t want to tell you how to get the upper hand here, but if you think really hard you might be able to come up with a way of getting something out of this instead of giving something away.”

Vin shrugged. “Thinking really hard isn’t my specialty.”

“It would seem that he’s suggesting that could you ask for something in exchange for your extra sense,” Renee said.

Vin perked up at that. “Oh, that’d be cool too. So I could like, get powers that don’t suck? Maybe flight. Flight’s cool.”

Renee’s shoulders dropped. “Vin.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a bird.”

Vin looked at her for a long moment. “I don’t see what that’s gotta do with shit.”

“You should really think this through carefully,” Renee said. “Demons twist people's words to grant their wishes in ways that they aren’t expecting.”

“Oh! I know!” Vin exclaimed. “I want time powers.That way I can just check out and take a nap whenever the hell I want.”

Renee covered her face. “Vin, do you have any idea what happens if you cause a time paradox in this universe?”

“No,” he said, “but I know how I could find out.”

“You get in huge trouble with the Time Cops,” Alcor said. “And then you go to Time Jail.”

“You’re just making that up,” Vin said.

“Well, they’re not called the Time Cops, Alcor admitted. “They’re called the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron. They form about twenty thousand years from now at the whim of Time Baby.”

“Time Baby,” Renee said.

“Yep,” Alcor confirmed.

“You are absolutely shitting us,” Vin said.

“I am absolutely not. My sister and I stole a time machine once and ended up having to fight in time gladiatorial combat, which was overseen by Time Baby. In the end we won a time wish, which we gave to our friend for his birthday and he created a neverending slice of pizza with it.”

“Okay we’ll just gloss over the fact that that is the fakest damn thing I’ve ever heard and say nix the time powers I guess, cause I’m too young to go to Time Jail or some shit.” Vin said.

Alcor settled cross legged in the air in front of Vin. “So what do you want then?”

“Oh, I know like, for realsies this time.”

“Is it squirrel powers this time?” Renee asked.

“Oh man that is all kinds of tempting, but no.” Vin shook his head. “No, it’s actually kinda serious and boring. How about my ability to sense the future for a future for the three of us. Like, you find a place that we can stay that doesn’t have any doctors getting all up ins our biz or whatever. Someplace safe, that we can, you know, live.”

“Wow,” Renee said, “that was surprisingly actually reasonable.”

Vin shrugged. “Let's be real: I’m not a responsible person. I can’t be trusted with a demon wish. And that’s just a whole lotta possibility and I’m just not able to make a decision in the face of that kinda potential. I can’t even decide what to read half the time. And I figure, this was basically the plan anyway. right? Might as well make it like, official.”

“How’s this,” Alcor said. “I will take the foresight, regeneration, and the third eye that were artificially bestowed upon you, and in exchange I will do everything in my power to ensure the safe transit of yourself, Renee, and Charlie to a place of your choosing until such a time as you wish to leave, in which case a new arrangement will be made.”

“Well that sure is what I said but more so,” Vin said.

“I’m a demon. I like things to be clear.” He paused a moment. “Actually I love it when things are vague and open-ended but if there are that many ways to twist and pick at a deal I can’t just leave it alone, so I figure I should just remove the temptation altogether.”

“You’re absolutely thinking about ways that you could ruin our lives over with the new wording aren’t you?” Renee asked.

“Well, yes,” Alcor admitted. “But I’m not going to.”

“How could I possibly doubt you even a little?” Vin asked. “But yeah, that thing you said is fine.”

Alcor held out his hand, covered in cyan fire. “So then, do we have a deal?”

“Yeah, I just said that it was fine.”

Alcor offered his hand a little more emphatically.

“Vin,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Could I have your hand please?”

Vin gave a him a bit of a disbelieving look. “Hell no, I like my hands.”

“No, I don’t mean permanently. I just…” Alcor shook his head. “Please take my hand. With your hand. So we can seal the deal.”

Vin crossed his arms, leaned back, and said, “I’m pretty sure the seal is already in the deal. You did mention Charlie by name after all.”

Alcor facepalmed with his non-flaming hand. “Vin.”

“Alright, alright.”

Vin took Alcor’s hand. The fire spread to his hand, and disappeared in a bright flash.

“So now what?” asked Vin.

“Now you hold still,” Alcor said with a grin.

Alcor floated up to Vin and reached towards his forehead, his clawed fingers passing through Vin’s head around the scar of his third eye.

“Um,” Vin said.

Alcor closed his hand around Vin’s eyeball and slowly pulled.

“UM,” Vin said.

The eye opened and the ball squeezed through the socket. It came free with a gentle tug from Alcor, who then popped it in his mouth.

“Welp, I’m now scarred for life,” Vin said.

“What?” Alcor asked. “No sense wasting a perfectly good eyeball.”

Vin narrowed his remaining eyes. “You couldn’t have like, waited and done that while we weren’t watching?”

“Well. I could have. But what’s done is done.”

“Please stop talking with your mouth full of my eye.”

Alcor swallowed. “Alrighty then, now that you’ve fulfilled your end of the bargain, time for me to carry out mine. Where do you want to go?”

“Um, shit, I don’t know.” Vin rubbed at his neck. “My vote’s still the moon, I guess?”

“Vin,” said Renee, “don’t just tell a demon you want to go to the moon. He could teleport you to any random spot without any life support.”

“And the problem with that is?” Vin asked.

Renee pinched the bridge of her nose. “You are absolutely unbelievable.”

“That isn’t actually a terrible idea,” Alcor said.

“Please don’t just dump us on some random point on the moon,” Renee said. “I swear that I will find some way to haunt you.”

Alcor rolled his eyes. “I meant you guys living on the moon, in Beta City, not dumping your flesh suits on Mare Cognitum.”

“What about that strikes you as auspicious?” she asked.

“Well, for one thing, it’s outside the influence of the Taskforce, which I would imagine to be desirable after everything you just went through,” Alcor said. “And one of the few cults of mine that I actually trust has a fair amount of influence on the moon. They would almost certainly have someone who could take you in.”

“So you’re the moon demon!” Vin exclaimed.

“That isn’t one of my official titles, but yes, I am the only demon worshipped on the moon.”

“No wonder you think it’s a good idea for us to go to the moon,” Vin said. “You have like half the people there under your thumb.”

Alcor put up a finger. “First of all, only about five percent of the moon’s population is part of the Circle. Secondly, I wouldn’t really describe the Circle of the Dreamer’s Star as ‘under my thumb’. That’s a major part of why I trust them.”

“You trust them because they don’t listen to you?” Vin asked.

“I trust them because they don’t listen to me unquestionably,” he explained. “They believe that I am a very powerful entity with knowledge far surpassing any person’s. They also believe that I am incredibly dangerous and don’t always have respect for the lives and boundaries of others. They listen to everything I say, but they only obey if it seems reasonable.”

“That is surprisingly reasonable coming from a demonic cult,” Renee said.

“I know, right? It’s why I like them.” He grinned. “Also because they manage to supply me with a truly incredible amount of baked goods. I like that about them a lot.”

“So you want us to join your cult?” Vin asked.

“Oh, no.” Alcor shook his head. “No, that would be kinda weird. You’re too young to join officially anyway. I was just going to get one of them to take care of you because that would require the smallest amount of string pulling on my part. Don’t have to alter the nature of reality to ask Georg to find a place to house three kids. At least, not any more than I normally do to exist physically.”

“So you’re dumping us on the moon cause you’re too lazy to do any real work.” Vin nodded a little. “Relatable.”

“What exactly would it mean for someone to ‘take us in’?” Renee asked. “I’m not sure I really want anyone to have that sort of power over me again.”

“They would provide a place for you to stay, make sure there’s food for you to eat, take care of bills and taxes and all the little adult things that need to be taken care of while you guy focus on recovery and catching up in school,” Alcor said.

“And what happens when they abuse the power that they have over us and we end up stuck in another terrible situation?”

“That’s what that ‘until such a time as you wish to leave,’ clause of the deal comes in.” Alcor smiled. “You’re not going to be stuck anywhere.”

Renee diverted her gaze from the demon. “Please don’t take offense to this, but I really don’t want to have to depend on you to get out.”

“That’s fair,” he said. “You could always talk to Georg about getting a new guardian then.”

She met his eyes again. “And why should I trust Georg? For that matter, why would Georg trust us over an adult that they picked out to look after us?”

Alcor frowned. “If Georg is giving you trouble over something like changing your guardian, you let me know. Because if my circle leader is enabling child abuse there’s going to be a reckoning. Anyway, you could probably just physically overpower her if you needed to. She’s a lone gnome, she doesn’t have a lot going for her in the physic department.”

“Your cult is lead by a gnome queen?” Renee hadn’t been expecting that. Gnomes, as a whole, never really integrated into the larger society. They never managed to completely shake their reputation as hyperintelligent vermin, as many troops, especially those without queens, didn’t care about the laws of the societies they lived near and would take pretty much anything that wasn’t being used or nailed down (unless, of course, they had some use for nails in which case they would just take them too). They were also far more social than essentially any other species, and tended to get severely anxious if they weren’t in a group of fifty or more.

“Why not? She’s a good community leader,” said Alcor. “She’s positively asocial by gnome standards, but is still most comfortable surrounded by people, so long as they aren’t touching her. And she’s one of the most organized people I’ve ever met.”

“That’s great,” Renee said. “I’m sure she’s a fine person.”

“But?”

“But… Do we really need to have anyone look after us?” she asked. “We’re sixteen. That’s old enough to be legally emancipated in some places.”

Alcor sighed. “Living on your own is a huge challenge. I’m not saying that you couldn’t do it, but you shouldn’t have to. You’ve been through a lot; you deserve some time to recover without having to worry about where next month’s rent is coming from.”

“I just…” Renee let her arms fall loosely to her sides. “I don’t want someone else to be in control of my life.”

“They’re not going to be in control of your life,” Alcor said. “They’re just going to handle some of the responsibility.”

“They’re going to have power over me.”

He chuckled. “Well, yes. You can’t really avoid that. There’s always someone with power over you. That’s one of the prices of society.”

Renee glared. “You know what I mean. They’re going to have a direct power over me that is unlike that of, say, a politician.”

“And you have the power to leave if they abuse it,” Alcor said calmly. “No one is going to force you to stay with them. It’s a situation that is preferable to you living on your own, but if it doesn’t work out, as you so pointed out, you are old enough to live on your own. And you can. I just really think we should have that be a last resort.”

“But why?” she asked. “Why can’t we try living on our own and get a guardian if that doesn’t work out?”

“Let me put it this way. Do you really think that Vin can take care of himself? In an adult way?”

“He’s pretty capable when he actually needs to be.”

“Nah,” Vin interjected. “He had a good point actually. I’m comfortable with that.”

“Vin,” she said, “you’re underestimating yourself. You can be great when you actually try.”

“Okay, let me rephrase that,” Alcor said. “Is it fair to Vin to force him to put in the time and effort it takes to live somewhat independently instead of letting him focus that energy into recovering from a literal lifetime of trauma? Especially since you two should also be going to school and I’m assuming are going to have a lot of catch up to do in that department - that doesn’t leave a lot of time for mental health.”

“Well, no, but…”

“And it’s not fair to ask that you try and take responsibility for the both of you,” he said firmly. “You also need time to recover and heal. Don’t deny yourself that.”

Renee frowned, “I’m running out of fresh counterpoints, and am, much to my own chagrin, beginning to conclude that you are probably right about this. However, there is one last thing that I have to say that you have yet to truly address.”

“And what’s that?”

She curled into herself and crossed her arms. “Don’t wanna.”

“Well, that is a pretty strong argument. Not sure what to say about that.”

“Good,” she said. “That means I win.”

“But seriously. If it doesn’t work you can leave. This isn’t the facility, no one’s locking you in a room.”

“Still don’t wanna,” she said, holding tight to her airtight argument.

“Understandable,” Alcor said. “Would you be willing to try it anyway?”

She met his eyes again. “How bad is it permitted to get before we can leave?”

“If you want to leave for any reason I’m not going to question it. You want to be out, you can be out.”

She sighed. “Yeah, fine, sure. Let’s try this.”

“Thank you,” he said. “I do sincerely hope that you won’t regret this decision.”

“Hey I have a question,” Vin said.

“Yeah?” Alcor turned to face him.

“So the facility’s like, done for, yeah?” he asked. “Totally and completely?”

“Well, there’s still something to be done about the off-site staff, but as far as it is at all of concern to you, yes. It’s over.”

“So…” Vin said slyly, “we could totally get on the Net without being caught nigh instantaneously then, yeah?”

“There isn’t really anyone left to catch you.”

He pumped his fist. “Fucking sweet. You wouldn’t happen to have a screen on ya that I could borrow, would you?”

“You really want to browse the Net, right this instant?” Renee asked. She really wished she could say that she was shocked at this, but she had known Vin long enough to be used to the way he prioritized things.

“I really wanted to browse the Net like, a solid week ago but it wasn’t a god damn option back then, now was it?” he said. “Anyway, if there’s a chance we’re going moon-ways, I should let Alice know. Also, like, I should probably let her know I’m not dead and junk. She’d probably appreciate that.”

Alcor’s hat floated down to his hands and he reached inside. His arm slowly sank deeper and deeper as he shuffled the contents of the hat around. Soon he was up to his shoulder in hat, and he was biting his tongue in concentration. His teeth sliced clean through the end of his tongue, which grew a small pair of bat-like wings and flew away, without Alcor giving any indication of noticing.

Alcor started pulling things out of the hat, including three trumpets, one of which was only a few inches long; a kiddie pool full of a mysterious sweet-smelling fluid; an ant farm that glowed a dull red; a large pile of small rocks; a small pile of large rocks; a binder full of children’s drawings; and finally, with a triumphant flourish, a pair of computerized glasses. They were fairly slim, with the computer built into the frames. They were black with golden accents.

“Oh my god that thing looks ancient,” Vin said. “Will it even still work?”

Alcor glared at him. “It’s not that old; you don’t have to act like I pulled out a laptop or something. It’ll work just fine.”

“I really expected the guy who made the fucking Alcor Virus to be a little more with the times technologically,” Vin said.

“I was pretty with the times when I made him,” said Alcor. “There really isn’t much point in my keeping up with whatever modern tech is if I don’t have a project. One of the advantages of sapient software is you don’t need to constantly put effort into keeping it up to date.”

“Still. Wouldn’t expect the Alcor of Virus fame to be a luddite. But whatever, it’s a computer. I’ll take it.”

“Sorry it’s not really designed for your biology.” Alcor offered the glasses.

“Nah it’s cool, I can just hold it in front of my eyes. Or like, lie down and let gravity hold it in front of my eyes. Or just lie down and take a nap.” Vin took them. “The world is full of possibilities.”

Vin held the glasses in front of his face and waited for the computer’s various sensors to figure out who he was and log him in. The age of the computer was painfully obvious - it took almost ten seconds for the system to identify him.

Having logged him in, the system opened into his room. Aesthetically, the room looked like an ancient city wrecked in a fight between superbeings. It was massive and expansive, with lots of little hidden easter eggs for those who bothered to look, and also had encyclopedic knowledge of twenty-first century Marvel comics. The sky was filled with a massive portal, churning clouds spiraling in unnatural colors. Every now and then a robot would fly out. The robots looked nothing like real drones did, nor did they even vaguely resemble something that could practically fly, but they did look really fucking cool and that’s what mattered. Links to his most visited sites floated at his periphery. Directly ahead of him floated the comic that he had been looking at his last session. He didn’t even remember where he left off. It felt like it had been a very long time since he had been reading it. It was flicked aside with a thought, and his contacts list was brought into focus.

“Vin‽” Alice’s avatar appeared next to his before he had time to finish pinging her. “You’re back online!”

Alice’s avatar looked, to Vin’s knowledge, pretty much exactly how Alice looked, although he did suspect that she didn��t actually constantly wear Ms. Marvel’s 2020s outfit in meatspace. She was a short reptilian, with bright yellow-green scales and a patch of bright blue along her lower face and neck. Her lustrous yellow eyes were looking at him with concern.

“Yeah,” he subvocalized. “Sorry for disappearing without warning like that.” He picked at his crest, his avatar mirroring the movement. Vin’s avatar also looked like he did, except with legs that were about two feet longer to put his head on the same level as most people’s. “Things got all kinds of crazy.”

“Oh? What kind of crazy?”

“Mad crazy,” Vin said. “Like you’re absolutely furious about how crazy this shit is. You just have no tolerance for this craziness. You’re hella ableist and making everyone around you uncomfortable.”

“Seriously, though.” Alice crossed her arms. “What the hap fuckened?”

“Well, you know, stuff,” Vin said, not meeting her eyes. “Stuff fuckened.”

“What kinda stuff?”

“You know, the stuff kind.”

“The stuffiest stuff?”

“Some much stuff stuffed into that stuff that it’s gonna collapse into like, a black hole or some shit.”

“Seriously though,” she said.

“Serious?” Vin said, as if he had never heard the word before. “What is this ‘serious’ of which you speak? When are we ever serious?”

“What sort of question is that? Serious is who we are. It’s what we do,” Alice said, very seriously. “We don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘unserious’. Don’t even think it is a word, actually. Kinda just made it up right then.”

“So,” Vin exhaled deeply. “Fuck, where do I even start?”

“How about you start at the start, numbnuts?”

“Okay sure, so the long and short of it is that I’ve been lying to you for like, ever. Literally forever,” Vin said.

“The big bang happened and Vin said ‘let there be lies?’”

“Basically. Anyway you know how I said that I was sick and in a hospital?”

“Yeah?”

“Well. I wasn’t. I mean, I kinda was?” Vin shrugged. “It was a bit more Deadpool than that. Actually it was pretty fucking Deadpool; movie Deadpool though, there wasn’t really any Department K analog. And I was too young to agree to shit. And I didn’t end up too horrifically scarred. And I’m significantly less badass than Wade Wilson.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you have superpowers‽” she asked excitedly.

“Well, had. I kinda got rid of them.”

She scoffed. “That sounds very real and not fake at all.”

“No it was this whole thing there was a demon and stuff. It was super real. Mega real. Realer than sliced bread,” Vin assured her.

“There was a demon involved?”

“Yeah, Tyrone. He was possessing a kid but he didn’t really want to be possessing the kid and he’s alright. I’m making the world's shittiest fanfic about him, despite the fact that he apparently doesn’t actually kill people for that.”

“Oh trust me,” The Alcor Virus interjected. “That was by no means the world’s shittiest fanfic.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Vin asked, annoyed. “This is a private conversation between not you and not you.”

“I can’t really help but be listening in.”

Vin crossed his arms. “The NSA’s listening too, but at least they’re polite enough to keep their opinions to themselves.”

“Vin, who the fuck is that?” Alice asked.

“Oh, that’s the Alcor Virus,” Vin said. “He was also there.”

“Like ‘the bane of all shitty fanfiction writers everywhere’ the Alcor Virus?” 

“The very same.”

“Okay.” She crossed her arms. “I need some goddamn context.”

“So he’s like Tyrone’s kid or whatever and he called him while we were chilling at this spider’s place and he like, trashed Francis Freeman’s place.”

“I suddenly understand everything,” Alice said.

Vin sighed. “Okay, so Renee and I were at this place and it was bad and I couldn’t tell you ‘cause I’m pretty sure if I did I would have been banned from the internet forever so we went through this whole thing and left. Then my super intuition, that was my non-Deadpool superpower btw, goes off and I’m like, we should attack the place right? Cause fuck those guys. So we do that and end up with this kid Charlie who’s possessed by this demon Tyrone, only we don’t know that he’s a demon yet. So we dick around in the woods and some stuff happens that doesn’t really matter and we end up chilling at this spider's place and she has all this extra computer stuff lying around and Tyrone goes and asks the Alcor Virus to help and I guess if you make someone they owe you like infinite favors or something ‘cause he agrees and he fucking trashes the first place and then we go back because of reasons and get Tyrone out of Charlie and we find out that he’s a demon, which really freaks Renee out, and now we’re trying to figure out what’s going to happen next and it occurred to me that no one’s going to track me down if I get on the Net so I did and now we’re talking and I think that’s about everything?”

“You definitely did not cover how you lost your superpowers.”

“Oh,” Vin said. “I didn’t want them so I gave them to Tyrone in exchange for something.”

“Something, huh?”

“You know. Stuff.”

“Just some totally normal shit from a demon in exchange for your literal superpowers, that’s all.”

“Egg-fucking-xactly.”

“Just bros being bros.” She shook her head a little. “So what was with Francis Freeman’s place? Why were they doing experiments on you? Were they training you to be a super assassin? Did you narrowly escape a fate of being a pawn of the global powers, murdering anyone who defied their wishes or who outlasted their usefulness?”

“What? Nah,” Vin said. “They just wanted to know the future, I think. If you want any more detail than that you should ask Renee, assuming she’s done freaking out about Tyrone. Which she seemed like she was but she might start again; it was a pretty hardcore freakout.”

Alice’s eyes widened. “Are you saying I might finally get to meet this mysterious Renee?”

“Yeah. Pretty much my only hold up for you guys meeting was that she had a tendency to get things on the Net blocked for both of us and I didn’t want her to try and sneak you some info and end our friendship forever.”

Alice laughed. “Well that makes more sense than her being allergic to computers. I might actually start believing that she exists at this rate.”

“What?” Vin cried. “You thought I made up a whole person?”

“You are pretty much the world’s shittiest liar, my guy.”

“Ignoring the part where I literally just told you I’ve been lying to you forever,” Vin said. “What the actual fuck is unbelievable about anything I’ve ever told you?”

“Well, on top of saying someone is allergic to computers, you literally told me that your mother died to a mysterious illness and that your dad was killed by criminals, leaving your sister to raise you in the ways of the warrior before you also got a mysterious illness and had to live in a hospital.”

Vin crossed his arms. “That was obviously a joke.”

“I don’t think it was, actually.”

“Okay fine, but how young was I when I came up with that?” Vin asked. “Can you really blame me for assuming that most parents died off via mysterious diseases or criminals?”

“You can bet your left ass cheek that I can,” Alice grinned. “I am really, really , good at blaming people for all kinds of things. I fucking excel at that shit. I could spend all day blaming anyone for anything. It’s one of my top skills.”

“Well, could you blame this face?” Vin said, making his avatar give puppy-dog eyes before waiting a few seconds and turning his avatar’s whole head into a human butt.

“You present a compelling argument but still I persevere,” Alice said, and laughed. “So you were never sick at all, then? All this time you had just been kidnapped by… whoever the fuck did all that crap?”

“Yep, that’s right. Never in my life have I been sick. The common cold is a stranger to me. I’m pretty sure people made up fevers as an excuse to get out of doing things. My guts are just too damn trashy for any pathogens to be willing to settle down in ‘em. Viruses flee in horror from my fugly ass cells.” Vin shook his head. “Nah, I was sick, at least originally. I bounced around a bunch of medical facilities when I was real young. I think it’s likely that my old guard gave me up under the promise that I could be cured. That or they just really didn’t want to deal with me anymore and were promised I would no longer be their problem.”

Alice frowned. “You know this is all really making me feel bad to complain about things like homework.”

“Why?” Vin asked. “Homework sounds pretty bullshit. That’s the one nice thing about being cooped up in a sketchy ass medical facility your whole life. I ain’t gotta do shit I don’t want to. Outside of like, get cut up and experimented on.”

“Well with that minor of a price to pay why the fuck did you even bother leaving? Sounds like you were set for life.”

“Well, Renee was really pushy about it,” said Vin. “Honestly I’m not really sure what I’m gonna do now that I’m expected to like, know things. I don’t know shit, Alice. Not a damn thing, my guy.”

“Well,” Alice said. “I might be able to help you get caught up in the math and science department. I’m not the world's worst tudor.”

“Obviously you’re not.” Vin pointed at his chest. “I’m the world’s worst tutor, and I will fight anyone who tries to take that from me. Anyway there’s like an actual reason that I wanted to talk to you right now, besides bullshit.”

“This is probably the least bullshit convo we’ve ever had.”

“Okay yes it is but that’s not the point,” Vin said. “There’s a chance that we might end up going to the moon to stay. Like, for the indefinite future. And like, you’re the guy I know on the moon so like I guess I was wondering if there was any reason you could think of that we might not want to do that and junk.”

Alice’s face lit up. “You mean we might get to meet face to face? Why didn’t you start with that? Um, anyway you gotta understand I was like, super young when I first moved to the moon. Like getting parental permission to access all the features of a pet site young. So tiny they had to use magic to make sure that the lower gravity didn’t ruin my development forever. So I don’t have much of a memory of what Earth’s like outside of as a tourist. But from what I understand it’s pretty different here from most places on Earth. For one thing the whole city still technically an experiment on the effects of long term exposure to lower gravity and other non-Earth living conditions, so there’s a lot of doctor office time. Our economy is very different; we provide living essentials for free so money is just for superficial things. Which, mind you, includes things like clothing and any luxuries at all, so people still like getting money. We just take it a lot less seriously than Earth does, from what I’ve seen.”

“Wait, if clothing is considered a luxury good does that mean that there are some poor fucks who don’t have any clothes?”

“Nudity is pretty normal here, dude. It’s warm enough for most species to be comfortable, so there isn’t really any need to wear clothing, outside of aesthetics. There are rich fucks who don’t own any clothes. My mom doesn’t wear clothes half the time, and my parents are loaded. So I guess that’s a difference to be aware of.

“Let’s see here,” she continued, “as far as day-to-day life is concerned, there are three ‘ideal’ time shifts that people operate in. One’s from six to twenty-two Greenwich, one’s from fourteen to six, and the last’s from twenty-two to fourteen. This means we never have like, everyone on the moon trying to use the same hallway at once, which is good ‘’cause old town Beta City was not built with its current population in mind so it would get stupidly congested if everyone had the same schedule. And like, obviously everyone has their own sleep schedule but school and employers assume that you follow one of those schedules like some kind of fucking chump.

“So which one are you on, ‘cause I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you online at basically every hour?”

“Did you hear the bit about the chumps? I ain’t no chump. I’ll awake when I please. Anyway, the air pressure is super low so even with the lower gravity flying’s pretty much impossible. I know how much you just love flying everywhere so I’m sure that’s really hard to hear. The air pressure is compensated for by having the air be pretty much entirely oxygen, meaning everything’s super flammable, so if you were planning on becoming a pyromaniac now that you’re free, it might not be the best place for it.”

“Sounds like it would be the perfect place for it. If you can’t even destroy an entire city then what’s the fucking point?”

“Yeah, but then you’d only be able to do that once, and then you’d probably be unable to make any fires again.”

Vin started to cross his arms before realizing that he needed one of them to hold the glasses up. “You’re telling me that everything is like, super flammable and they don’t even have a way of fighting one measly raging inferno?”

“There’s a lot of safety protocols,” Alice said. “But I was assuming that you would put in the effort to disable them like a pyromaniac with some degree of fucking competency.”

“When have I ever put effort into anything? And you’re assuming I’m competent? It’s like you don’t even know me.”

“Anyway, let’s see here, Beta City’s in a lava tube pretty far underground so there’s no natural sunlight anywhere. I know that can be a turnoff for some people. We don’t have a huge variety of foods; there isn’t really the space for a full-sized farm and shipments from Earth are pretty limited in what they can carry, so mostly we eat genetically enhanced algae. Apparently it used to be awful but these days it can taste like most anything and I think it’s pretty good.

“And you could probably guess, but adjusting to a new gravity is a bit of a bitch. At least, adjusting to Earth gravity is. I don’t really remember what adjusting to moon gravity was like the first time, but now that I’m used to it Earth feels like a prison and returning home feels like such liberation that you couldn’t imagine. Or maybe you could - you did just get actually liberated from a prison-like thing after all.”

Vin waved his hand a little. “Eh, it hasn’t really sunk in yet. It still feels temporary. Although I will admit, seeing the place utterly trashed is helping with that.”

“So I’m definitely not complaining about the possibility of seeing you in the flesh zone, but why the moon?” she asked.

“Oh I think I forgot to mention. Tyrone’s the moon demon.”

She scrunched her face up. “We have a demon?”

“You know,” Vin said, “the guy with the stars symbol that I see every now and then when you’re showing me around the moon.”

“Oh, the Circle’s demon.” She nodded a little. “That makes sense. They do a lot of work with teens. I didn’t realize its name was Tyrone, though.”

“Oh that’s not his like, demon name. It’s his fake name but his demon name sounds kinda dumb so I’m just going to keep calling him Tyrone.”

“Cause Tyrone is the least dumb-sounding name ever.”

“Are you kidding?” Vin said. “It’s like something out of a comic.”

“Right. Isn’t Cloak’s name Tyrone?”

“Yeah I think so, and also that one Roman guy, but who cares about them?” Vin spread his fingers widely. “Consider: Tyrone Tyson, everyman programmer by day, vengeful antihero demon by night; taking down shitty medical facilities and even shittier fanfics.”

“Yeah, I’d read that.”

“That’s great because I’m writing it,” he said, and pointedly turned to where Renee, Charlie, and Alcor were before saying aloud, “It’s nice to hear that someone actually appreciates my creative endeavors.”

“Who wouldn’t support Tyrone Tyson?” Alice asked.

“It probably has something to do with how the last time I pitched it it was as as incestuous, necrophilic erotica about one of the people I was pitching it to,” admitted Vin.

“Dude, If you wrote an incestuous, necrophilic erotica about me as a vengeful antihero I would consider myself completely and utterly blessed.” She shook her head. “Whoever you pitched it to before has no taste.”

“I know, right? But they probably don’t. I’ll let them know that right now.” Vin lifted the glasses away from his eyes. “Hey! Alice says y’all got no goddamn taste.”

“What?” Renee asked.

“You heard me,” Vin said, and then resumed holding the glasses above his eyes.

“No I…” Renee stared at Vin. “You’re not listening. Whatever, it probably wasn’t important.”

Renee sighed and resumed what she had been doing, which was very little.

“You’re right,” Alcor said. “It really wasn’t important.”

She looked him up and down. This was Alcor. This was a demon. This was the entity who created the Californian Archipelago. This was the person who had been helping them for the past few days. Who was apparently actually invested in making sure they had a safe place to stay. It was a lot to take in.

“You’ve been looking at me a lot,” Alcor said. “You have something you want to say?”

Renee avoided his eyes. “I’m not sure it’s something you want to hear.”

“You know you don’t need to walk on eggshells around me, right?” he said. “I’m not going to suddenly change my mind about helping you just because of something you say.”

“I really don’t know that,” Renee said. “I don’t know anything about you, really.”

“Well, since finding out who I am you’ve already called me a baby and got into an argument about the future, so if I was going to bite your head off I probably already would have. What’s up?”

Renee took a deep breath and said: “You seem to care about things a lot more than I would expect from a demon, which is, admittedly, a fairly low bar.”

“I try.”

“Our society has, to put it extremely mildly, problems. You are exceptionally powerful.”

Alcor held his hands in front of him. “I can see where you’re going with this and am going to stop you right there. No matter how bad this capitalist hellhole is, I can guarantee you a demonarchy would be worse.”

She shook her head. “I really didn’t mean to suggest that you become supreme leader of the world. In fact I cannot possibly emphasize enough how much I did not mean to imply such a thing. But, instead of taking over, you could help us move past this, to a better system of governance, or lack thereof. Make a world where no organization has the power to do what was done here.”

Alcor sighed. “The thing is, I’m not a part of your society. I’m not a part of any society. It doesn’t feel right for me to make choices that don’t affect me. I’m not comfortable being one person making decisions for everyone, and if I wanted to do what you’re suggesting I would have to make some pretty big choices.”

“I don’t have any such hangups, though,” the Alcor Virus interjected. “Tell me, what are your problems with this society?”

“Well, capitalism’s the big one. I don't want people to die when they can't get the money required to access basic resources that others have in abundance,” Renee said. “I mean there’s other things, of course there’s other things: the police are awful, our education system needs a major revamp, institutional prejudice is, well, it’s bad, and it sometimes feels like there haven’t been any serious social changes since things calmed down from the Transcendence, even though that was over a thousand years ago now.” “Well, I don't know about the social problems, but it sounds like one of your major concerns would be solved if a universal basic income was established.” "Everyone receiving the basic funds they need to survive would certainly be better than what we have now." She shrugged. “It would be better if personal debts were also wiped clean, so no one would have to spend all their basic income repaying predatory loans and the like. It wouldn’t be perfect, because it would still be a capitalist system and corporate opportunists would find ways to exploit it given time, but it would be a whole lot better than this.” “Yeah,” the virus said slowly. “I think I can do that.”

“What?” “Universal basic income, and a worldwide debt jubilee, starting tomorrow,” he said confidently. “That should be enough time for me to calculate regional rates and the other details.” “What‽” “I can’t believe I’ve never done anything like hijack the world economy before. This is going to be great!” “Please don’t alter the entire world economy overnight because of something I said.” “Why not?” the virus asked. “You seem pretty smart.” “I’m sixteen and would probably benefit from, I don’t know, maybe taking a single economics class?” Her breathing was quicker than she liked. “I am not an authority on this!” “Relaaax,” the virus said, drawing out the syllables. “Debt jubilees have existed since biblical times, and universal basic income has done pretty well where it has been implemented. It’ll be fine.” “I’m pretty sure that historically both those things have been implemented by the people that are going to be affected by them, and they have known ahead of time that it’s coming and have done things to prepare for it?”

“Tell you what,” he said. “I’ll warn people at least. I’ll go and make an in-depth explanation of what’s happening and put it on every major news site.”

“I guess that’s something?”

The virus paused a moment before saying: “The day after I first implement it.”

Renee buried her face in her hands.

“Oh, you know what might be better?” he said quickly. “Only posting the detailed explanation on sleazy tabloid sites and leaving the major news sites with something along the lines of ‘hello naughty children it’s universal basic income time’ with no further details.”

“Why?” She pushed her face harder into her hands. “Why did I ever think getting assistance from a virus made from a demon would be a good idea?”

“I’m not sure. Personally I would have thought Dad’s line about how he didn’t feel comfortable being one person making decisions for everyone would have been a warning.”

“I wasn’t trying to make decisions for everyone in the world!” she cried. “I was just trying to see if, once I found a group that seemed knowledgeable and competent that I agreed with, you would be willing to help us get our message out or evade prosecution or something! I didn’t intend anything to actually happen right now.”

“I’m not sure why you thought your intentions mattered when dealing with a virus made from a demon.”

“In retrospect, neither do I,” she said mournfully. “Could I at least convince you to try a sample region first to observe how it goes before you implement it everywhere? That way if it goes horribly wrong from the start at least we’ll know?”

“That’s a good point. Sample regions are important.”

“Thank you,” she said, deeply exhaling for the first time since the conversation’s start.

“I’ll limit this experiment to the Earth. Mars, Venus, the Moon, and the colony ships will be left to their own devices as the control groups.”

“Over ninety-nine percent of the population lives on Earth!” she said, throwing her hands up. “That is not how a control group works!”

“Oh, just think about how thrilled all the sociologists are going to be.”

She dropped her arms. “You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you.”

“I do everything on purpose. Except the molasses thing. That was. admittedly, an accident. A hilarious accident.”

“Molasses - no. I don’t want to know. Moving on from this absolute train wreck of a future I just apparently secured, can we go back to talking about what’s going to happen with the three of us?”

“Well,” the virus said chipperly. “If you decide you don’t want to live on the moon and instead choose to live independently on the Earth you’ll be receiving a modest bi-monthly living allowance starting tomorrow.”

“Can we please stop talking about that?” Renee asked. “Can we please talk about literally anything but that? It doesn't have to be the future. It could be Vin’s comics. It could be an in-depth history of the etymology of the word ‘scissors’. Literally anything would be better than this.”

“Literally anything?”

Renee glared at the nearest speaker in the ceiling. “Upon brief reflection I redact my previous statement; I’m positive you can come up with something I want to hear about less than the near economic future.”

“So um…” Charlie said quietly. “What is wrong with the system that we have - er had, I guess?”

“No, ‘have’ is right,” corrected the virus. “You still have 23 hours 56 minutes and 46 seconds before it’s accurate to refer to the current economic system in the past tense.”

“You had to ask, didn’t you?” Vin said, holding the glasses to his side, his conversation with Alice over. “You had to turn this beautiful conversation about destroying the world economy into anti-capitalist propaganda, didn’t you?”

“To answer your question.” Renee let out a big breath. “Oh man, what isn’t wrong with late stage capitalism?”

“Well, it seems to work alright?” said Charlie. “Work gets done and people get what they need for the most part.” “Well that’s a place to start,” Renee said. “People who do work which our society considers valuable get what they need, unless they need something more expensive than their job will compensate for. Which is not infrequently the case with medical needs. No one should have to choose between their health and their ability to have food and shelter, but many people have to. No one should be stuck in the catch-22 of being unable to work because of an untreated illness, and unable to treat their illness because they don’t have an income, but many people are. Which brings us to one of the larger problems that I have. “People who don’t work and aren't already wealthy don’t have access to resources under this system. Not having marketable skills, or not having the ability to market your skills, is a crime punishable by death under capitalism. And I cannot think of any way to fully communicate the extent to which I find that sentiment to be complete and utter horseshit.” “See Charlie?” said Vin. “This is why you gotta check the mouth of your gift horse before you bring it in your gates. Now your guard’s down and it’s revealing all the theory it was hiding in there.” “Oh, but I have barely gotten started,” Renee said. “I haven’t talked about inheritance, workers’ rights, corporations, monopolies, the prison industrial complex - did you know that there are places where prisons can literally fine the state if they aren’t provided with enough prisoners? ‘Cause that’s a thing. A really fucked up thing

“But as much as I would love to talk about this all day, I will concede this probably isn’t the best time for this. Ask me again once we’ve settled… wherever it is that we settle. And when I have access to the Net. I can hook you up with people who can say it better than I can.”

“So speaking of wherever we’re going to settle,” Vin said. “Living on the moon apparently includes a lot of time around doctors. I really don’t give a shit so long as they don’t like, I don’t know, carve an eye into my damn head or anything, but I feel like this might be a pretty big deal to you two.”

“I highly suspected that that might be the case,” Renee sighed. “Which leaves me in a bit of a predicament; I don’t want to have to go through doctor’s appointments in great frequency. But you seem to really want to go to the moon and I don’t want to take that from you. Also, as of a few minutes ago, I’m not sure this planet is going to be a great place to live in the near future.”

“If you’re really that worried you could just go somewhere that already has universal basic income,” said the Alcor Virus. “I’m not going to change it if a place already has it set up.”

“Yeah, what he said.” Vin met Renee’s eyes. “We don’t have to go to the moon if you don’t want to; I think it would be cool to visit Alice in the flesh but like, that’s the main reason I want to live there and I can always visit her online. It ain’t a big deal.”

“I might have a solution to the doctor problem, actually,” Alcor said. “The tests that they need to perform are entirely automated. Most people do them with a doctor because they’re the one that knows how to interpret the results and, depending on what those results are you might need to talk to them, but it’s perfectly possible to take the tests on your own and send the data to a doctor, and if something’s wrong the doctor could just explain what needs to happen to your guardian. You wouldn’t have to interact with a doctor ever, unless something serious happened.”

“That sounds tolerable,” Renee said. “I would hesitate to call it ideal but it is well within the confines of the workable.”

“So is that it, then? We’re going to go to the moon?” Charlie asked.

“Well, what are your thoughts on it?” asked Renee. “You’ve been awfully quiet.”

“I think it would be pretty cool.” Charlie’s gaze swept around the floor. “Well, I think it would be really cool, honestly. Living in space. Even if you can’t actually see the sky it would be pretty neat. I might want to join Renee when it comes to getting tests done though. Hopefully it will go away, but right now the idea of seeing a doctor makes me feel a little nauseous.”

“Alright then, are you all ready to go?” Alcor asked.

“I do believe so,” answered Renee.

“Alright then,” Alcor said. “One future: as promised. Let’s go to the moon.”

And with that he snapped his fingers one final time, teleporting them out of the wrecked facility, never to return.

A year and a month gone by and 72k words later and here we are. Thank you for being here with me for this. Thank you for your reads, and your kudos, and your comments. This story means a lot to me and I'm really glad that it means something to some other people, too.

For those of you who want to see more of these characters, I'm not finished with them just yet. I'm writing a squeal / continuation of H&H. It's going to be RPG shenanigans, starting with a murder mystery campaign GMed by Charlie. I hope you look forward to it.

Thank you again for reading.

[yahoo201027]

September 1: Happy 52nd Birthday to Dave Wittenberg, who provided the voices of the Giant, Time Manipulating Baby who was the last son of his race as well as the tyrannical supreme ruler of the future as Time Baby and one of the members of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron as Lolph on Gravity Falls; and the English voice of the Captain of Team 7/Team Kakashi, member of Team Minato, and the Sixth Hokage as Kakashi Hatake on Naruto.

[asksethdarkly]

An alternate universe in which Bill and his street gang are captured by the time police because Bill was not yet strong enough to defeat the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron. Now Bill is being held in time prison, with bars made of Unicorn hair, including the whole cell.