#VAT scheme

[regentbusinessstrategies]

How to Register for VAT in the UK: Process, Benefits & HMRC Guidelines

How to Register for VAT & Why VAT Registration Matters

As your business grows, staying compliant with tax regulations becomes increasingly important. One critical milestone is VAT registration. Whether you’re approaching the VAT threshold or planning ahead, understanding how to register for VAT, the registration process for VAT, and why it matters can help you avoid penalties and take full advantage of the benefits available to VAT-registered businesses.

In this detailed guide, brought to you by Regent Business Strategies, we’ll walk you through every aspect of VAT—from legal obligations to strategic advantages. We'll also provide guidance based on the latest HMRC guidelines, helping ensure your business stays on the right side of the law.

What is VAT?

VAT (Value Added Tax) is a consumption tax levied on most goods and services sold in the UK. Businesses collect VAT on behalf of HMRC, adding it to their sales and remitting it through regular VAT returns. It’s a vital component of the UK’s tax system and one that every business must understand as they scale.

Who Needs to Register for VAT?

A business must register for VAT if its taxable turnover exceeds the VAT threshold, which is £90,000 in a rolling 12-month period (as of 2024). It’s important to note that the threshold is not based on a calendar year but on any 12-month rolling period.

However, even if your business turnover is below the threshold, voluntary VAT registration may be beneficial. Voluntary registration allows you to reclaim VAT on expenses and can improve your business credibility—especially if you deal with other VAT-registered businesses.

Why VAT Registration Matters

VAT registration is not just about compliance. It also provides a range of strategic benefits that can support your business growth:

1. Legal Compliance

Failing to register once you cross the VAT threshold can lead to backdated VAT payments, penalties, and interest. Registering on time ensures compliance with HMRC guidelines.

2. Reclaim VAT on Purchases

Once registered, you can reclaim VAT paid on eligible business expenses, including goods, services, and some types of capital equipment. This can significantly reduce your overall costs.

3. Enhanced Business Credibility

A number for VAT on your invoices indicates a legitimate, established business. This can improve client confidence, especially if you’re working with other VAT-registered companies or government entities.

4. Eligibility for VAT Schemes

HMRC offers several VAT schemes tailored to different business needs. These schemes can simplify your accounting, reduce paperwork, and in some cases, reduce your VAT liability.

5. Greater Market Access

Certain contracts, particularly in the public sector or with large corporations, may require suppliers to be VAT-registered. Being registered gives you access to more opportunities.

The Registration Process for VAT

Registering for VAT is a structured process. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you understand how to register for VAT in the UK:

Step 1: Assess Whether You Need to Register

Check if your total VAT-taxable turnover exceeds the VAT threshold of £90,000. If so, you must register within 30 days of reaching this threshold. You can also opt to register voluntarily below this threshold.

Step 2: Choose the Right VAT Scheme

Before registering, decide on the VAT scheme that best suits your business. The main schemes include:

Standard Accounting Scheme – Suitable for most businesses.

Flat Rate Scheme – Simplifies VAT by letting you pay a fixed percentage of your turnover.

Annual Accounting Scheme – Allows you to file one VAT return per year.

Cash Accounting Scheme – Useful for managing cash flow, as you only pay VAT when customers pay you.

Regent Business Strategies can help you evaluate which scheme works best for your situation.

Step 3: Register Online Through HMRC

Go to the official HMRC VAT registration page and complete the application. You’ll need:[ez-toc]

Business name and address

Details of your turnover

Business activities

National Insurance number (for sole traders)

Bank account details

If you’re unsure about any part of the registration process for VAT, Regent Business Strategies offers expert guidance every step of the way.

Step 4: Receive Your VAT Registration Certificate

After successfully applying, HMRC will send you a VAT registration certificate. This document confirms your number for VAT, the effective date of registration, and when to submit your first VAT return.

This certificate is typically issued within 30 working days, though delays can occur. Once you receive your VAT number, you must:

Add VAT to your invoices

Show your VAT number on invoices and receipts

Submit your VAT returns regularly

Post-Registration Responsibilities

VAT registration comes with ongoing obligations. Here’s what you’ll need to do:

1. Submit VAT Returns

You must file VAT returns—usually quarterly—detailing the VAT you’ve collected and paid. This can be done using HMRC's online services or through approved software.

2. Maintain Accurate Records

You’re required to keep detailed records of all sales, purchases, VAT invoices, and VAT returns for at least six years.

3. Pay VAT to HMRC

The amount you owe (or reclaim) is the difference between the VAT you charge your customers and the VAT you pay on purchases.

4. Stay Up to Date

Tax laws and HMRC guidelines can change. Working with an advisory firm like Regent Business Strategies ensures you stay compliant and take advantage of any changes that benefit your business.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I Register Before Reaching the VAT Threshold?

Yes. Voluntary VAT registration is allowed and may be beneficial depending on your customer base and costs.

What Happens if I Don’t Register on Time?

You could face financial penalties, backdated VAT bills, and potential interest charges from HMRC.

How Do I Cancel My VAT Registration?

If your business turnover falls below the deregistration threshold, or if you close your business, you can apply to cancel your VAT registration through your HMRC account.

Final Thoughts

Understanding how and when to register for VAT is essential for any growing UK business. Beyond compliance, VAT registration provides financial advantages, improves business reputation, and creates new opportunities.

At Regent Business Strategies, we specialize in guiding businesses through the registration process for VAT, helping you understand your obligations and choose the best VAT scheme for your needs. From applying for your VAT registration certificate to managing returns, our expert team ensures you stay compliant and informed.

Need Help with VAT Registration?

Don’t let VAT complexity slow down your business growth. Contact Regent Business Strategies today for personalized support with VAT registration, financial planning, and ongoing tax compliance.

[lexlawuk]

UK Introduces Tax Avoidance Whistleblower Scheme

In a significant move to bolster its anti-fraud enforcement and crack down on tax avoidance and tax evasion, the United Kingdom has announced the launch of a new whistleblower reward scheme. This groundbreaking initiative, overseen by HM Revenue & Customs (HMRC), is modeled after the highly successful tax whistleblower program in the United States, offering substantial financial incentives for…

[bdigit24]

Discover how the EU's new SME VAT scheme, launching January 1, 2025, will revolutionize tax compliance for small businesses with turnover under €100,000, opening doors to simplified cross-border trade.

[tejkohli25]

How Entrepreneurs Can Navigate UK Tax Laws

Understanding UK tax laws is crucial for entrepreneurs looking to maximize tax benefits, reduce liabilities, and stay compliant. The UK has a complex tax system that affects startups, SMEs, and large enterprises, making it essential for business owners to stay informed about corporate tax rates, VAT, and investment relief schemes.

For insights on how tax policies impact businesses, check out this expert analysis.

Key UK Tax Considerations for Entrepreneurs

1. Understanding Corporate Tax & Business Structure

The UK’s corporation tax rate currently stands at 25% for companies with profits above £250,000.

Entrepreneurs must choose the right structure (sole trader, limited company, or partnership) to optimize tax benefits.

Limited companies benefit from lower tax rates and liability protection, while sole traders face simpler tax obligations.

2. Leveraging Tax Reliefs & Incentives

Research & Development (R&D) Tax Credits help startups reduce taxable profits for innovation-based projects.

The Seed Enterprise Investment Scheme (SEIS) and Enterprise Investment Scheme (EIS) provide tax relief for investors backing UK startups.

Entrepreneurs should explore capital allowances for reducing tax liabilities on equipment and property investments.

3. VAT & Digital Taxation Rules

Businesses exceeding £85,000 in turnover must register for Value Added Tax (VAT).

Digital service providers are subject to the UK’s Digital Services Tax (DST), impacting tech startups and online businesses.

Entrepreneurs should implement VAT-friendly accounting systems to manage compliance effectively.

Challenges Entrepreneurs Face with UK Taxation

1. Complex Compliance Requirements

Frequent changes in tax regulations make it challenging for startups to plan long-term strategies.

Failing to comply with HMRC guidelines can lead to penalties and financial setbacks.

2. High Corporate Tax Burdens

Increased corporate tax rates can reduce profit margins, especially for early-stage startups.

Business owners need strategic tax planning to maintain profitability.

3. Post-Brexit Trade & Tax Implications

Entrepreneurs dealing with international transactions must navigate new VAT rules on EU trade.

Businesses importing/exporting goods require customs compliance strategies to avoid unnecessary tax liabilities.

How Entrepreneurs Can Optimize Their Tax Strategy

1. Work with a Professional Tax Advisor

Hiring a chartered accountant or tax consultant ensures compliance with HMRC regulations.

Advisors help businesses identify tax-saving opportunities and legal loopholes.

2. Implement Efficient Tax Planning

Entrepreneurs should time capital investments strategically to maximize tax reliefs.

Using pension contributions, dividend payments, and business expense deductions helps optimize tax liabilities.

3. Stay Updated on Tax Policy Changes

Subscribing to HMRC updates and government tax reports helps businesses anticipate changes.

Engaging in business networking groups and trade associations offers insights into tax-saving opportunities.

Tej Kohli’s Perspective on Tax Policies & Business Growth

Investor and entrepreneur Tej Kohli emphasizes that UK tax policies must support entrepreneurship rather than hinder it. His insights include:

Lowering corporate tax rates for startups would encourage more innovation and investment.

Expanding R&D tax reliefs will allow UK businesses to compete in AI, fintech, and biotech sectors.

Simplifying tax compliance for SMEs can drive economic growth and job creation.

Conclusion

Navigating UK tax laws requires strategic planning, professional guidance, and an understanding of available incentives. Entrepreneurs who optimize their tax strategy and stay informed about regulatory changes can enhance their business growth while ensuring compliance.

[efjconsulting]

Expert Assistance with Self Assessment Tax Returns

Ensure accurate and timely submission of your self assessment tax returns with EFJ Consulting. Our dedicated team provides comprehensive support tailored to your individual financial situation. Whether you're a freelancer, sole trader, or small business owner, we simplify the process, helping you navigate through complex tax regulations and maximize your returns. Trust EFJ Consulting for reliable, professional service that puts your financial well-being first.

[shuraatax]

VAT Refund in Dubai for Tourists: A Complete Guide

The Value Added Tax (VAT), introduced in 2018 in the UAE, applies to various goods and services. Tourists, upon their visit to Dubai, can avail the opportunity to save some extra cash in their shopping, dining, and other entertainment experiences with the VAT refund program. The policy of VAT refund Dubai for tourist applies to those who are non-residents of the UAE and have met a minimum purchase threshold. Moreover, the purchased goods are to be taken out of the country to make them eligible for a VAT refund. So, how exactly can you claim a VAT refund as a tourist? Get your answers at Shuraa Tax.

[georgeshutcheson]

VAT Schemes In UK

New Post has been published on https://www.fastaccountant.co.uk/vat-schemes/

VAT Schemes In UK

Are you confused about VAT schemes in the UK? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered! In this article, we will provide a clear and concise explanation of VAT schemes in the UK. Whether you are a business owner or an individual looking to understand your tax obligations, this article will help you navigate the complexities of VAT schemes. So sit back, relax, and let’s unravel the mysteries of VAT schemes together!

Standard VAT Scheme

Explanation of Standard VAT Scheme

The Standard VAT Scheme is the most common and widely used scheme for businesses in the UK. Under this scheme, businesses are required to charge VAT on their goods or services at the standard rate, which is currently set at 20%. They must then report and pay this VAT to HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) on a quarterly basis.

Eligibility for Standard VAT Scheme

All businesses that have a taxable turnover of over £85,000 in any 12-month period are required to register for VAT and are eligible for the Standard VAT Scheme. However, businesses with a turnover below this threshold may choose to voluntarily register for VAT and opt for this scheme.

Recordkeeping and Reporting Requirements

Under the Standard VAT Scheme, businesses must maintain accurate and up-to-date records of all their VAT transactions, including sales, purchases, and any VAT they have paid or received. They are also required to submit a VAT return to HMRC every quarter, detailing their VAT liabilities and any VAT that can be reclaimed.

Advantages of Standard VAT Scheme

The Standard VAT Scheme offers several advantages for businesses. Firstly, it allows businesses to reclaim VAT on their purchases, which can help reduce overall costs. Additionally, being registered for VAT can enhance the credibility of a business and may be seen as a sign of professionalism by potential clients or customers. Furthermore, for businesses that regularly trade with other VAT registered businesses, the Standard VAT Scheme ensures a smooth and consistent VAT accounting process.

Disadvantages of Standard VAT Scheme

One of the main disadvantages of the Standard VAT Scheme is the administrative burden it places on businesses. The requirement to maintain detailed records and submit quarterly VAT returns can be time-consuming and may require additional resources or accounting expertise. Moreover, businesses must ensure they charge VAT correctly and account for it accurately, as errors can lead to penalties or fines. Additionally, businesses may face cash flow challenges due to having to pay VAT to HMRC before receiving payment from their customers.

Flat Rate VAT Scheme

Explanation of Flat Rate VAT Scheme

The Flat Rate VAT Scheme is an alternative scheme designed to simplify VAT accounting for small businesses. Under this scheme, businesses pay a fixed percentage of their gross turnover as VAT to HMRC, rather than accounting for VAT on each individual transaction.

Eligibility for Flat Rate VAT Scheme

To be eligible for the Flat Rate VAT Scheme, a business must have a turnover of £150,000 or less (excluding VAT) and be considered a “limited cost trader”. A limited cost trader is one whose VAT inclusive expenditure on goods is either less than 2% of its gross turnover, or less than £1,000 per year.

Calculating VAT using the Flat Rate Scheme

Under the Flat Rate VAT Scheme, businesses calculate their VAT liability by applying a predetermined flat rate percentage to their gross turnover. The specific flat rate percentage depends on the trade sector in which the business operates. This percentage includes VAT and is lower than the standard VAT rate, allowing businesses to retain the difference as additional profit.

Advantages of Flat Rate VAT Scheme

The Flat Rate VAT Scheme offers several advantages for eligible businesses. Firstly, it simplifies VAT accounting by eliminating the need to calculate and track VAT on individual transactions. This can save time and reduce the administrative burden. Additionally, businesses can benefit from retaining the difference between the flat rate percentage and the standard rate as additional profit. Moreover, the Flat Rate VAT Scheme is particularly beneficial for businesses with low VATable expenses, as they can pay less VAT compared to the standard scheme.

Disadvantages of Flat Rate VAT Scheme

While the Flat Rate VAT Scheme can be advantageous for some businesses, it may not be suitable for all. The predetermined flat rate percentage does not take into account the actual VAT incurred on purchases, which means that businesses with high VATable expenditure may end up paying more VAT under this scheme compared to the standard one. Additionally, businesses that regularly make zero-rated or exempt sales may not benefit from this scheme.

Annual Accounting VAT Scheme

Explanation of Annual Accounting VAT Scheme

The Annual Accounting VAT Scheme allows businesses to submit one VAT return per year, making it a suitable option for those with a turnover of less than £1.35 million. Rather than submitting quarterly returns, businesses make advance payments on their VAT liabilities throughout the year and then reconcile the actual liability at the end of the accounting period.

Eligibility for Annual Accounting VAT Scheme

To be eligible for the Annual Accounting VAT Scheme, businesses must have a turnover of less than £1.35 million at the end of the previous VAT year. They must also be up to date with their VAT returns and payments, and not have any outstanding VAT debts or penalties.

Calculation and Payment Schedule under Annual Accounting VAT Scheme

Under the Annual Accounting VAT Scheme, businesses make monthly payments based on their previous 12 month VAT Liability. For a new business estimated VAT liability for the year will be used to work out the monthly payments. These payments are spread over ten months for monthly payment businesses or three months for quarterly payment businesses. At the end of the accounting period, businesses submit their annual VAT return, which includes adjustments for any overpayments or underpayments made throughout the year.

Benefits of Annual Accounting VAT Scheme

The Annual Accounting VAT Scheme offers several benefits for eligible businesses. Firstly, it simplifies VAT reporting and payment by reducing the frequency of VAT returns to just once per year. This can save time and reduce administrative costs. Additionally, making advance payments allows businesses to spread their VAT liability throughout the year, providing better cash flow management. Moreover, by submitting one annual VAT return, businesses have more time to gather and review their financial information, leading to more accurate reporting.

Drawbacks of Annual Accounting VAT Scheme

While the Annual Accounting VAT Scheme may be advantageous for some businesses, it may have potential drawbacks. Businesses must ensure their estimated VAT liability is accurate, as overestimating could result in tying up unnecessary funds, while underestimating could lead to unexpected VAT bills at the end of the accounting period. Additionally, businesses must still maintain accurate records and promptly submit their annual VAT return to avoid penalties or fines. Furthermore, this scheme may not be suitable for businesses with fluctuating turnover, as the advance payment amounts are based on estimates and may not accurately reflect the actual liability.

VAT Cash Accounting Scheme

What is VAT Cash Accounting Scheme?

Definition of VAT Cash Accounting Scheme

The VAT Cash Accounting Scheme is a method of accounting for Value Added Tax (VAT) that allows businesses to account for and pay VAT based on the actual payments they receive from their customers, rather than on the invoices issued. Under this scheme, VAT is only paid to HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) when the business receives payment from its customers.

Benefits of VAT Cash Accounting Scheme

The VAT Cash Accounting Scheme offers several benefits for businesses. It provides improved cash flow management, reduces the risk of bad debt, simplifies VAT reporting, and increases flexibility for seasonal businesses. By allowing businesses to account for VAT on a cash basis, it can help ease the burden of VAT payments and streamline financial operations.

How Does VAT Cash Accounting Scheme Work?

Difference between cash accounting and standard accounting

The main difference between cash accounting and standard accounting lies in the timing of VAT payments. Under standard accounting, VAT is payable on the issuance of invoices, regardless of whether the business has received payment. With cash accounting, VAT is only paid when the business receives payment from its customers. This means that the VAT liability is based on the actual cash flow of the business.

Advantages of VAT Cash Accounting Scheme

Improved cash flow management

One of the key advantages of the VAT Cash Accounting Scheme is the improved cash flow management it offers. By allowing businesses to defer VAT payments until they receive payment from their customers, it can help alleviate cash flow pressures and provide businesses with greater financial flexibility.

Reduced risk of bad debt

By accounting for VAT based on cash received, rather than on invoices issued, the VAT Cash Accounting Scheme reduces the risk of bad debt for businesses. In the event that a customer defaults on payment, the business will not have already paid VAT on the outstanding amount.

Simplified VAT reporting

The VAT Cash Accounting Scheme simplifies VAT reporting for businesses. Instead of having to account for VAT on invoices issued, businesses only need to report VAT on payments received. This can help streamline administrative processes and reduce the burden of VAT compliance.

Increased flexibility for seasonal businesses

Seasonal businesses can benefit from the flexibility offered by the VAT Cash Accounting Scheme. By aligning VAT payments with the actual cash flow of the business, seasonal businesses can better manage their finances during periods of high or low activity.

Disadvantages of VAT Cash Accounting Scheme

Potential impact on input tax recovery

One of the disadvantages of the VAT Cash Accounting Scheme is that it can potentially impact a business’s ability to recover input tax. Input tax is the VAT that a business pays on its purchases. Under the cash accounting scheme, businesses can only reclaim VAT on purchases once payment has been made. This can result in delays in VAT recovery and potentially affect cash flow.

Limited ability to reclaim VAT on invoices not paid

Another disadvantage of the VAT Cash Accounting Scheme is that businesses are unable to reclaim VAT on invoices that have not been paid. If a customer defaults on payment, the business will not be able to claim back the VAT on that sale, resulting in a potential loss for the business.

VAT margin schemes.

What is VAT Margin Scheme?

VAT Margin Scheme is a special tax scheme that allows businesses in the UK to calculate and pay VAT on the margin they make when selling second-hand goods, antiques, art, or any other eligible items. It provides an alternative way of calculating VAT for these types of goods, compared to the standard VAT calculation method based on the selling price. The purpose of the VAT Margin Scheme is to simplify VAT calculations and record keeping for businesses involved in the sale of second-hand goods.

Types of VAT Margin Schemes

Standard Retail Scheme

The Standard Retail Scheme is the most commonly used VAT Margin Scheme. Under this scheme, businesses are allowed to calculate and pay VAT on the difference between the selling price and the purchase price of eligible goods. This is particularly beneficial for businesses that predominantly sell second-hand goods to non-business customers.

Second-hand Goods Scheme

The Second-hand Goods Scheme is specifically designed for businesses that deal exclusively in second-hand goods. It allows them to calculate VAT on the difference between the selling prices of individual items and the average purchase price of similar items acquired within the same VAT period. Participants in this scheme must ensure they meet the eligibility criteria set by HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC).

Auctioneers’ Scheme

The Auctioneers’ Scheme is applicable to businesses that operate as auctioneers, facilitating the sales of goods on behalf of others. Under this scheme, VAT is calculated on the auctioneer’s commission rather than the selling price of the goods. It provides a simplified method of VAT calculation for auctioneers, making it easier for them to account for VAT in their transactions.

Eligibility for VAT Margin Scheme

Qualifying Criteria

To be eligible for the VAT Margin Scheme, businesses must meet certain criteria set by HMRC. Firstly, the goods being sold must fall within the categories eligible for the scheme, such as second-hand goods, antiques, works of art, or collector’s items. Secondly, businesses must be registered for VAT in the UK and be able to demonstrate that the goods being sold were acquired under the VAT Margin Scheme rules. Finally, businesses must ensure that they meet any additional requirements specific to the chosen VAT Margin Scheme.

Exclusions from VAT Margin Scheme

While VAT Margin Schemes offer significant benefits to businesses involved in the sale of eligible goods, there are some exclusions to be aware of. Certain types of goods, such as new or unused items, certain vehicles, and items acquired from outside the UK, cannot be accounted for under the VAT Margin Scheme. Additionally, businesses that sell mainly new goods or operate as wholesalers are generally not eligible for the scheme.

Benefits of Using VAT Margin Scheme

Reduction in VAT liability

One of the key benefits of using the VAT Margin Scheme is the reduction in VAT liability for businesses. By calculating VAT based on the margin, rather than the full selling price, businesses can significantly reduce the amount of VAT they are required to pay to HMRC. This reduction in VAT liability can lead to substantial cost savings for businesses, allowing them to remain competitive in the market.

Easier VAT calculations and record keeping

VAT calculations and record keeping can often be complex and time-consuming. However, with the VAT Margin Scheme, businesses can simplify these processes. By only needing to calculate VAT on the margin, rather than the full selling price, businesses can streamline their VAT calculations. Additionally, the scheme provides a simpler way of keeping records, as businesses can focus on the purchase price and selling price of the goods rather than tracking individual VAT values.

VAT Retail Schemes

What are VAT retail schemes?

VAT retail schemes are special schemes designed for retailers to simplify the calculation and reporting of VAT. They are optional and available to businesses that sell goods directly to consumers, predominantly in a retail environment. These schemes help businesses streamline their VAT processes, reducing the administrative burden and potentially improving cash flow.

Objectives of VAT retail schemes

The primary objectives of VAT retail schemes are to simplify VAT calculations for retailers, ensure accuracy in reporting, and provide financial benefits. These schemes aim to reduce the administrative burdens associated with recording and reporting VAT on individual sales transactions, especially for businesses with high transaction volumes. Additionally, retail schemes offer businesses the opportunity to receive VAT relief or discounts, ultimately helping them manage their cash flow effectively.

Types of VAT Retail Schemes

Direct Calculation Scheme

The Standard Retail Scheme is the most commonly used VAT retail scheme in the UK. It is suitable for businesses that have a wide range of sales and operate multiple retail outlets. This scheme simplifies the calculation of VAT by applying a fixed percentage of VAT on the total value of retail sales. The fixed percentage considers the percentage of VAT-inclusive sales to total sales.

Point of Sale Scheme

The Point of Sale Scheme is specifically designed for businesses that sell a limited range of goods and operate retail outlets with electronic tills or cash registers. Under this scheme, businesses can account for VAT at the time of sale, rather than waiting for payment. This simplifies the VAT calculation process and reduces the potential for errors.

Apportionment Scheme

The Apportionment Scheme is suitable for businesses that sell both taxable and exempt goods or services. It allows businesses to claim VAT on a portion of their overhead costs that relate to taxable supplies. This scheme takes into account the proportion of taxable sales to total sales and allows businesses to recover VAT on a fair and reasonable basis.

[trianglegoddess]

Feral McGee™

It starts with the Joker. 

His goons picked up Tim Drake. Not specifically because it was Tim Drake, he just so happened to be in the Joker’s neighborhood, and we'll, he can't pass up that opportunity now can he? 

Except Tim Drake is watching, along with the rest of Gotham, at the Batcomputer. He’s nursing a broken foot and has been put on monitor duty until he's cleared for field work again. 

The guy looks enough like him, though. Black hair, blue eyes, and bags under his eyes for days. He's also got the same lean sort of build like he does. 

It happens like this. 

The Joker is doing his monologue thing where he explains whatever twisted game he's come up with this time. He takes up the majority of the screen, so nobody can see Not-Tim behind him, not until the big reveal. Then he covers the screen again, getting up close and personal, before stepping back. In those quick few seconds, Not-Tim is no longer sitting there tied to the chair. 

Someone off camera lets the Joker know, and he whirls around, confused as the rest of Gotham. 

And then Not-Tim comes in with the steel chair. 

Or, well, a crowbar, but the reference holds up. 

He takes out one of Joker’s knees before punching him in the face. The Joker drops like a bag of stones, out cold. 

Then he looks towards the camera. 

“Hey there. I'm not really sure where I am, but also if he was after Tim Drake, he got the wrong guy. I'm not him, I'm just some dude. Anyway, I'll just-yep-” he carefully steps over the unconscious Joker, gives the camera a little wave, and then leaves. 

Batman and Nightwing enter shortly after, with the Joker and his goons out cold and tied up. The knots were complicated enough where, in the end, the police resorted to cutting the ties off of them so they could be properly cuffed and taken to Arkham. 

“A constrictor knot,” Batman tells Nightwing as they watch the villain be taken away. “Often used by sailors to temporarily tie things together to keep something in a bag, or to hold something to glue it back together.”

“Huh,” Nightwing says, scratching the back of his head. “Go figure.”

—

The next time it happens, it’s the Riddler. 

He’s laughing, giving his riddles to the Bats and recording himself to all of Gotham while his victim, one of the Wayne brats, hangs over a vat of something. From a distance, he looks like Tim Drake, or maybe a lankier Dick Grayson. And he’s not the only victim, they’re all scattered across the city, but he thought an important figure such as a Wayne should be under the Riddler’s direct supervision while he enacts his schemes. 

While the Riddler cackles and plots and waves his cane around, in the background all of Gotham can see the figure escape. Several Gothamites recognize him as the kid from before, who clocked the Joker. They all watch with bated breath as he sort of wiggles his way out of the ropes holding him up. Once he’s free, he climbs the rope and gets himself down safely. 

Gotham holds their breath as the kid casually walks up to the Riddler, who’s mid-rant. He politely taps him on the shoulder, and as the Riddler is turning around, the kid clocks him just as brutally as he had the Joker. He’s down with one punch. 

They think he’s going to say another sort of awkward goodbye, but instead he pats the Riddler down until he finds a piece of paper tucked into the inside pocket of his jacket. 

“Right,” the kid says, looking at the list. There’s a lot more static overlay now, and several wonder if it’s damage to the cameras. “Uh, the Clocktower, the Docks, and-” he squints at the page for a moment-”Mama Nacaroni’s? What the fuck is that? Anyway, uh. See you later, I guess. Oh! And we’re at the Gotham Arena. Have fun with him, I guess.”

The kid tosses the paper off to the side before the camera cuts to black. 

Just like last time, everyone is out cold and tied up. The Riddler himself is sporting a pretty bad shiner, but well deserved nonetheless. 

“Stop it,” Red Hood tells him. Batman just looks at him, and though Hood can’t see the top half of his face, he can tell that his eyebrow is raised. “You know exactly what I mean, B. Put the adoption papers away.”

“Hn.”

—

After that, it sorta becomes a game. The rogues of Gotham are no longer after a Wayne, or after anybody who holds any kind of social status like usual. They’re all going after this one kid, all determined to be the one to hold him. And each one is televised. 

Mr. Freeze freezes him in a block of ice, but due to the cameras glitching out, nobody can really see how he got free. They do, however, see the kid suplex Mr. Freeze. It should seem impossible, given his lanky figure, but he evidently has more muscle than he’s originally let on. 

Two-Face gets a hold of him, using chains and some power-dampening cuffs just on the off-chance that he’s a meta. They all watch as the kid leans down, pulls a bobby pin out of his hair, and picks the locks on his cuffs. One punch, and Two-Face is down. 

Gothamites are going wild for the kid. They’ve dubbed him Feral McGee™ (an online poll, of course), because every time he goes in for the punch he gets this feral look in his eyes. Also, just the fact that he casually goes up to these rogues and takes them out with all the casualness of doing something incredibly mundane? Incredible. The Gothamites are eating it up. However, despite the video evidence, nobody has been able to properly identify the kid. They know he has black hair and bright eyes, but any time he gets near a camera, it’s like there’s this weird, sort of warped quality the camera takes on. It doesn’t usually calm down until the fight is done-as one sided as they usually are-before he awkwardly skedaddles away.  

He gets kidnapped by the Penguin, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy (though that was more just a friendly chat than anything), Mad Hatter, and the Riddler again. 

And then the Joker escapes. 

It’s no surprise as to who he’s going to go after. 

Due to one too many careless goons, they manage to find their way to the Joker’s hideout pretty quickly. This time, it’s all Bats on deck, and they all hide away in the rafters as Feral McGee™ is hung over a vat of acid. His whole body is tied up, hardly a single inch of exposed skin to be seen except for the neck up. 

They watch the goons, they watch the Joker, and they watch Feral McGee™. 

The Joker is monologuing, practically begging the bats to come find him before the timer runs out. When it does, the kid gets dumped into the vat of acid. 

Despite these stakes, the kid seems to be only mildly annoyed. 

“Fuck this, I have homework I still need to finish,” they hear him say. 

They all watch, amazed and confused, as the kid starts gnawing through the ropes. Human teeth shouldn’t be able to do that so easily, but one bit after the other, and soon enough the kid’s got himself freed enough to just climb up the rest of the rope. When he’s at the top of the crane holding him up, Batman lets down a rope and pulls the kid up and out of danger. 

“Oh, cool, you’re all here,” the kid says casually, as if meeting the entire Bat Clan is just a normal Tuesday. And then he pulls out a notepad and pen and hands it to Red Hood. 

“Can I get an autograph? You’re dope as fuck, dude.”

Red Hood has to look away and hide his face in his arms for a few moments to not give away their location with his laughter before signing. And then, one by one, the others do as well. They pass along the kid’s notebook with shit-eating grins and barely contained snickers despite the fact that the Joker is still right below them. Even Batman signs it, after his children don’t stop hounding him about it. 

In their distraction, they didn’t see the kid sneak away. He’s far away from them now, nearly right over the Joker. Danny waits, though, until the Joker has turned around as the timer almost runs out. They watch as he snickers at Joker’s flabbergasted look. The Joker comically looks back and forth and under objects the kid obviously isn’t under. However, before he can do or say anything else, the kid drops from the rafters and right on top of the Joker. He crumples to the ground, unconscious. The kid, however, just brushes the dust off of himself. Despite the fall he took, there isn’t a scratch on him. 

When the bats join him, they give his notepad back to him, barely able to contain their laughter at the absurdity of it all. The kid, too, joins in the camaraderie, laughing and joking along with them as Batman secures the Joker. 

“Okay, okay, but I gotta ask, dude,” Red Hood says at one point, looking at the kid. “How do you keep getting kidnapped?”

The kid just shrugs. “I get distracted easily. And I’m sleep deprived, so you know. Social awareness is kind of at an all time low right now.”

“Why are you sleep deprived?” Nightwing asks, barely hidden concern in his voice. 

 “Finals are kinda kicking my ass right now. Especially this dumb English homework I have. You guys wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“Oh, lucky for you,” Red Hood says, wrapping an arm around the kid’s shoulders as he walks them out of the warehouse, “I happen to know a lot about English. So, it is Shakespeare?”

“Yeah, Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

As they walk off, Batman calmly watches, though the rest of the bats can see his jaw twitching. Nightwing comes up behind him, clapping a hand on his shoulder. 

“If you don’t adopt him, I will.”

“Hn.”

[kindlyanni]

meoooooooooooooooooooooooow

*** My shop is open again! ***

Shipping available to limited countries, please read the INFO page first!

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[bee-calm]

tbhk but they're lab-based phd students- because sometimes you just need to make the most self-indulgent au you can think of

nene

marine microbiology

talks to her culture plates, swears it makes them grow faster

tries to put cute labels on her samples then can’t remember what ANY of her shorthand means the next day

forgets her pass and gets locked out at least once a day 

algae clip-art in all of her presentations

sings in the microscope room, thinks nobody can hear her singing in the microscope room

once thought she’d re-written scientific dogma then realised she’d put a decimal point in the wrong place

thinks transcriptomics is witchcraft. is currently doing transcriptomics.

brings chocolates for the rest of the lab, is everyone’s favourite because of it

became best friends with aoi when they somehow managed to double-book the flow cytometer

could read those papers she’s been saving for weeks, OR she could spend two hours changing the colour scheme on her figures 

amane

materials chemistry, probably something space-exploration-aligned

pure synthesis, if it’s bigger than a kilodalton then he doesn’t want it anywhere near him

if there is an unlabelled round-bottom flask in the lab freezer then there’s a 90% chance it belongs to him. claims he can tell the chemicals apart by Vibes alone (amane voice: nmr is for Weaklings)

worlds messiest fume hood, yet somehow the worlds most immaculate desk-space. (currently the biggest scientific mystery the rest of the lab is working towards) 

will tell people (read: kou) that biochem isn’t real chemistry just to cause problems 

really good at teaching project students

also really good at scaring the project students by pretending to drink the toxic chemicals

extensive lanyard pin collection 

nobody has ever actually seen him go home

has a set of glassware-themed coffee mugs. much debate as to whether or not he just stole them from the lab.

kou

structural biology

just a guy and his 10 litre E.coli grow-up

once spilled an vat of LB all over the bacteria room. legend has it the stains are still there to this day

banned teru from the cryoEM room after he walked in and the entire setup almost crashed 

likes modelling structures, wonders why his computer is always running so slowly, fails to consider that the 5 pymol projects he has open at all times may have something to do with it

serial offender for walking home still wearing his goggles

thinks mammalian cell work is witchcraft 

incredibly chaotic labwork processes, still somehow gets the results anyway. most common saying: ‘this is not going in the methods section’

once dropped his earring into the liquid nitrogen tank, has still not lived it down 

has a framed photo of his first crystal on his desk

ongoing war with mitsuba over whether electron microscopy is real microscopy or not

keeps taking on side projects for other people, has yet to realise that this may be the reason he never gets to go home on time

teru

molecular biology

theory x1000, ask him a question after his presentation and there’s a 90% chance he’s got a bonus slide already prepared to answer it

benchwork also x1000, that person who asks ‘oh can i try?’ and gets amazing results first time on the experiment you’ve been trying to get right for weeks.

cell culture x0, banned from the tissue culture room, WILL contaminate any flask put within 5 feet of him

the machines hate him. the centrifuge keeps trying to eat his samples. the plate reader breaks on him at least once a week.

serial weekender

stickler for lab safety, can and will send out threatening emails reminding people to wear their gloves and lab coats

once drew the entire signalling cascade for his target molecule from memory on the whiteboard in a lab meeting and it was impressive enough that nobody has wiped it off yet 

keeps doing horrendous timecourses, can be found taking plate readings at stupid o clock in the morning 

aoi

immunology 

the flow panels she manages to pull off are a constant subject of awe and horror 

likes working weekends because it means nobody can hear her verbally threatening her cell cultures when they’re not behaving

can fit a scary amount of information onto the lid of an eppendorf tube

when stressed can be found hiding out in the plant biology greenhouses. has made friends with some genetically modified tomatoes

rocks up to the lab meeting with publication-ready figures for an experiment she did yesterday

the source of 90% of the passive aggressive post-it notes around the lab

everyone dreads her post-presentation questions. will dissect your experiments and do it with a smile.

started off working normal hours but has gradually become borderline nocturnal over time

teru contaminated her cells once, has been using it as leverage to make him collect things from stores for her ever since

keeps giving akane’s email to sales reps instead of her own so she can get free stuff without ever being contacted by them again

akane

biophysics 

scary single molecule data, deliberately puts huge equations on his presentations so nobody will ask him questions

might as well get paid lab tech wages too, chronically stuck on stock solution duty

crashed the lab computer trying to run one of his datasets on it

the only reason the lab has a booking system for the equipment. anarchy would prevail if he wasn’t around.

will go off to do photobleaching experiments and emerge hours later looking like a cave creature

keeps having to fix the equipment that teru breaks

perpetually receiving emails meant for aoi by people who got their names mixed up

also perpetually receiving emails from the company sales reps who aoi told his email to so she wouldn’t have to deal with them

says he needs to stop working weekends, then suddenly it’s saturday and he’s stuck in the microscope room with teru again

has somehow acquired a small army of project students (none of them are studying the same thing as him)

incubation time= coffee time

mitsuba

cell biology

made a cell line, treats it like it’s his baby

trust issues, won’t let ANYONE share his reagents. serial pipette hoarder.

neat lab book, can still somehow never find where he put his protocols or what concentrations he used his antibodies at

could probably win an award for his immunofluorescence images, someone automatically turns the lights off when it’s his turn to present in lab meetings bc he’s guaranteed to have cool microscopy to show

thinks bacteria work is disgusting. ensures kou knows this.

[emerging from a 5-hour session in the microscope room] what day is it?????

loves his work, doesn’t act like it (the reagents smell bad. the lab benches are dirty. people keep using the milk he brought to put in the fridge. nobody cleans the water bath. if there’s nothing to complain about, he’ll make something.)

threatens to move to industry at least once a day 

outright refuses to do weekends

found the perfect colour scheme for his graphs, considers this the highlight of his entire degree

any minor inconvenience is an excuse to go to the cafe on campus

natsuhiko

innate immunity, infection

zebrafish models

nobody is sure if he bought a tie-dye lab coat or if it’s just that badly stained

has absolutely named his fish (doesn’t actually remember which is which, but the sentiment is there)

forever followed by a gaggle of project students. is constantly reminding them to do as he says, not as he does 

incubation times are a suggestion, not a rule (read: keeps getting distracted and leaving his experiments way longer than necessary)

convinced he’s going to be patient zero of the zombie apocalypse when he accidentally creates super-salmonella and infects himself 

serial distractor, WILL chat to people while they’re in the middle of a 96-well plate

isn’t going to eat the LB agar, but the temptation is always there

someone bought him the ‘women want me, fish fear me’ hat for his birthday, keeps it on his desk

the confocal microscope hates to see him coming (5 hours is a short session when you’re trying to take z-stacks of an entire fish)

sakura 

drug discovery 

probably dabbles in synthesis, plays orchestral music while running columns bc apparently it gives them better separation 

tea drawer in the office, WILL pull out an entire teapot during their incubation times 

best dressed person in the lab, at all times

eternal struggle of dangly earrings versus the samples they’re leaning over

neat handwriting, still terrible at labelling eppendorfs (what are the lids so small for)

incubation times to the second

runs BIG experiments, has mastered the art of the plate plan. made a template which has somehow ended up distributed around the entire department 

ceo of not replying to sales rep emails 

mildly allergic to the nitrile gloves, the drawer below the tea drawer is the hand cream drawer

earphones + cell culture is the ideal de-stress activity

over-prepares for presentations, will spend 2 weeks rehearsing an informal flash talk

probably the only person who actually sends their lab coat to get washed

mei

tissue engineering 

has designed all of her labmates a mug with terrible research-relevant science puns on them 

invented side-projects, has probably got a collaboration ongoing with every other lab in the department 

bought a label printer for her reagents, has way too much fun with it

thought a week-long experiment was bad? try two months

life goal is to get to try making DNA origami just to say she did it

keeps starting doodle chains on the lab whiteboard

experiment worked= sweet treat to celebrate

experiment failed= sweet treat to commiserate 

probably did a masters in the microbiology department, they keep trying to convince her to switch projects back to them bc her streak plating was gallery-worthy

picks up her lab coat and 10 pens fall out of the pockets

sold her soul to parafilm

tsukasa

RNA therapeutics

goes in cell culture with no gloves, still somehow doesn’t get contamination 

that one insane person who actually enjoys the stress of working with RNA

doesn’t even do SDS-PAGE but still has coomassie stain all over his lab coat 

keeps launching dry ice rockets 

homebrewed a microfluidics system in the lab, it makes weird noises at night and everyone is slightly terrified of it

keeps materialising in the corner of the microscope room when mitsuba is in the middle of taking images. the cause of many a dropped slide.

plots his data in excel

worlds worst file names. no system, no dates, just a keyboard smash and a prayer

who needs desk space when you can just move your laptop into the lab

gave into temptation and tasted the cell culture media once. it was disappointing 

either the most incoherent presentation you’ve ever seen, or a major scientific breakthrough, no inbetween 

[cometcrystal]

pondering a lot about THAT'S THE NORM! and now i'm formulating an actual suzy & norm friendship. here are some scenarios

SCENARIO 1

suzy has just turned 16. candace is no longer her nemesis (because having a nemesis is a two-way street - suzy learned that during a seminar). she is applying for an internship at LOVEMUFFIN (she would have applied earlier and easily been accepted, but for legal reasons, they don't accept interns under 16). as part of her application, she has to carry out and document an evil scheme of her choosing.

idk what the exact scheme would be because this is just a conceptual post about character dynamics but she begins looking at classifieds for henchman listings. she'd much rather do it all by herself, but she is still Tiny and not physically strong at all, so she needs some muscle on short notice. she sees a "henchman for hire - will accept hamster food as payment" listing under the name Norm Doofenshmirtz, and gets in touch with him because he can lift up to 15 tons

when they first meet, she's initially put off by his general norm-ness, so she just assigns him to his muscle duties and goes on with her plan. but throughout the day, he suggests ideas and does things that actually ENHANCE the plan's evilness, and she is very impressed. hypothetical episode ends with "norm, i think this is the beginning of a beautiful henchmanship"

SCENARIO 2

suzy works towards helping norm become a Real Boy because it's something he's wanted for such a long time, and she doesn't mind doing him a favor. she generates him a brainless, soulless, humanoid flesh vessel from DNA she obtained from a barber shop, and transfers his consciousness to a mechanical brain which she puts in the vessel's skull.

he very quickly finds out that being a human sucks actually. he doesn't like actually HAVING to sleep instead of just shutting off. he doesn't like the sensation of chewing food. etc etc. PLUS, he still feels the same on the inside. he still thinks the same as he did in his original body, still feels the same emotions.

he goes back to his robot self pretty quickly and very happily says "let's never speak of this again!" and suzy is like "agreed" and dissolves the flesh vessel in a vat of acid. yes i recognize this is like a horror movie. yes i think the dwampyverse is messed up enough for this to be plausible

SCENARIO 3

suzy saves norm from being permanently deactivated/destroyed somehow. as they're fleeing the scene, norm is like "ms. johnson, you saved me!" and she's like "of course i did. you're my best friend."

(suzy is not very popular in school and she prefers it that way, but norm is the first time she's ever experienced having a long-lasting friendly relationship with someone that wasn't related to her)

she pauses. "we are friends, right?" he cries a motor oil tear. "now i know i have a heart. because it's growing!"

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Doctor Who, but Chronologically: 53

So, we go from 1996 to 2005, which is wild, because 1941 got three different fucking episodes but apparently the Millennium went unmarked by Doctor Who. This is also the span of time the show was off air, actually. Late 80s to 2005, with one return for the film in 1996. Hmm.

Anyway! GET READY FOR ROSE

This, back in 2005, was our first episode of new Doctor Who since its cancellation - the first episode of what I now call the Welsh series, after RTD forcibly moved production to Cardiff and thus created an industry that substantially increased Welsh GDP. Let me tell you, lads, we watched this one and we were EXCITED. It was new!!! It had modern special effects!!! It looked so impressive and shiny and high status!!!

Hilarious watching it now, two decades later, and going "Why was this filmed through a thin layer of vasoline?"

(Also hilarious seeing Cardiff pretending to be London on streets and buildings that very much do not look like that anymore. Queens Arcade! The street by the cinema with the eyebrows! Howells! What a difference 20 years makes. Such a nostalgic episode. BUT I DIGRESS)

So plot-wise we get a fairly simple episode. Autons like Rory the Roman have arrived on Earth and want to take over, but they're simply inert shop mannequins unless the Nestene Consciousness - a big vat of living plastic with a sort of lumpy face - transmits a telepathic signal to them. The Doctor is looking for this vat of plastic so he can preferably tell them to leave for a less killy planet, and if that fails, to tip a lurid blue test tube of what appears to be Panda Pop but we're assured is "anti-plastic" into the vat to... melt it more. But! He cannot find the vat, because he is failing to trace the signal.

But STORY-WISE we get, apparently, the introduction of Rose!

Long-time readers of these posts will know that I have strong opinions on how companions should be used. If they cannot pass the Sexy Lamp Test - if replacing them with a sexy lamp would literally not change the story - then the writer has utterly fucked it and needs to reconsider their career. For my money, Tumblrs, companions serve three varying purposes, to whit:

Providing fun chemistry with the Doctor so we can enjoy the pairing

Being the point-of-view human character for the audience, i.e. asking the questions or posing the theories that will make the story make sense according to our understanding

Providing the emotional connection to the other characters that mean we get fully fleshed out stories rather than boring plot points. The Doctor is plot, the companion is story

Bringing the Basic Common Sense to the proceedings to counter the Doctor's Wild Scientific Knowledge and Schemes

Each does these in different ways of course, but what's brilliant here is that Rose has all four in absolute spades. They're meeting for the first time here and he's super grumpy, but they make each other laugh almost immediately. As the Doctor strides about self-importantly, a cannon ball of purpose and curt non-explanations, it's Rose who pushes him to explain what's going on in terms she (and we) will understand, paring the plot down for us to follow. In this story, Eccleston's Doctor is the most aloof and stand-offish and Above The Petty Affairs Of Humans as we've ever seen him (except Capaldi); he cares deeply about trying to save everyone, but once an individual human is dead, he simply puts them out of his mind and moves on. It's Rose, grieving the possible loss of Mickey, who reminds us that these are people that are being lost. And, ultimately, Rose actually provides most of the final solutions - firstly by listening to the Doctor wittering on about how scientifically the Nestene MUST be using a big round circle for transmissions and going "That's the London Eye, here's the access hatch," and secondly by literally saving the Doctor's life.

And lol, yeah, she does save his life. She gets a great lil speech: "Got no A Levels, no job, no future," she says, grabbing a hanging rope while the Doctor is menaced by Autons. "But I tell you what I have got. Jericho Street Junior School under 7s gymnastics team. I got the bronze."

And she fucking. Just Tarzan swings. Right into the Autons who are holding the anti-plastic Panda Pop, knocking them right into the big vat. Incredible. What a babe.

Three last things before I wrap up!

Firstly, Christ, we get so much information about who Rose is. We're shown her messy bedroom, her useless boyfriend (side note he is SUPER USELESS in this. He was not this bad on a spaceship with Madame de Pompadour. My god, he's got some development coming), her job, her mam, her thoughts about the future. She left school for a boy, and now regrets it. She wants to make something of herself, but doesn't know how. After her job is blown up by the Doctor at the start, her mam Jackie (we've met her! We saw her recently, in Father's Day) suggests she try getting a job in a local business.

"Oh great," Rose says sarcastically. "The butchers."

"Well, maybe it'll do you good," Jackie says back. "That shop was giving you airs and graces."

... and in those two lines - in that one exchange - we know everything we need to about these people. God, it's the sort of character writing that you dream of managing. The simple mundanity of it, and what it tells you about them both; their position in society, what they think of it, what they want and aspire to and believe. Impeccable. Rose is a working class girl who dreams of more, who wants a life that's more than this. Jackie is a loving mother who's firmly in the crab bucket, and feels shame about her own life when she sees Rose reach up. God it's good.

Also, Rose has a GREAT reaction to seeing the TARDIS for the first time.

Secondly! This is seemingly an introduction of sorts for this Doctor as well! At one point, he looks in a mirror and remarks that this face is "not bad, but look at the ears", which is interesting, because we later find out he's had it a while. An internet nutter has the world's worst photoshopped prop showing Eccleston at the Kennedy Assassination (presumably he was there sorting out the Silver Nemesis) among other historical points, so the lad's been about. But alone, and avoiding mirrors.

We are also shown some super powers! He can read a book in the time it takes to flick from front to back, and he can feel planetary rotation, and he can speak Liquid Plastic. Exciting.

But also, he's constantly referencing a war here, which I suspect is going to be hell on our question list. The Nestenes lost their protein planets in the war, so they want Earth. He almost cries at the vat, telling it he tried to save their world, but he couldn't. Lots of references, but alas, once again, no answer as to which damn war this is. In theory, the episode after an introduction would explain that of course :) Presumably we'll get those answers next episode :) Surely this watch order would make us wait until, like, the year Five Billion to find out :) Ho ho ho

Finally, some absolute iconic moments in this one, but my particular favourites are: the look of Plastic Mickey and his glitching speech, with Rose literally not noticing a difference (says a lot about the quality of Mickey); Rose trying to google the word "Doctor" and expecting it to work; and my absolute favourite, which is Rose and the Doctor trying to fight a plastic arm in the living room while Jackie turns a hairdryer on for her COMPLETELY BONE DRY HAIR to give a reason as to why she misses the action. Campy fun, 10/10.

SO! Let's update the board!

“She” (an unknown person) is returning (Suspects: River, Missy, Me, Clara)

There is something on Donna’s back

An entire planet, Pyrovilia, just… disappeared, somehow. (Maybe because the TARDIS is exploding??? Saturnine was also lost, and that WAS because of the TARDIS exploding. The lion man’s planet was also lost but he was a bit of a knob about it if I’m honest. The Thijarian planet was destroyed by some sort of impact). Is this the Flux?

The TARDIS is sort of melting because it’s corrupted, but it’s fine again. NOPE, back to not working.

The Doctor has employed(?) Nardole

(And Nardole was “reassembled???” Nardole had glass nipples and invisible hair?? He used to be blue, and could apparently go back to it??? He’s some sort of helplessly criminal con-artist??? WHAT THE FUCK IS HE)

There’s an immortal Viking girl now. Her name is Me and she’s now looking after the people the Doctor abandons

Why was Rory entirely unconcerned by the entire world suddenly going silent when that is Not Normal and should have been, at the very least, extremely disconcerting?

What did the Doctor do to Queen Lizzie One?

Why is Amy seeing a one-eyed woman in a vanishing window? (She’s with the Silents, but we don’t know why Amy saw her)

Why is Amy’s pregnancy inconclusive? (Maybe because the baby had Time Lord DNA?) She’s deffo pregnant and the baby becomes River, but why inconclusive?

Who is Sarah-Jane Smith?

How is the Doctor Bill’s teacher and why/where does he have an office?

What is going on with the Cyber War and the Cyberium???

What happened with the Other Cyber War? Were either of these Cyber wars affected by the Doctor blowing them up with Nemesis?

What happened with the Third War that deleted the void?

Why does Rose seem particularly important?

What order do these Doctors go in? (Eccleston, Tennant, uncertain, Smith, Capaldi, Whittaker)

Which companion just… forgot the Doctor, and how?

Yaz and Vinder are about to die as Mori/Mwri/Muuri (Not anymore, somehow)

There is a Lupari shield around Earth.

What’s a Time War? Did this destroy the Doctor’s planet and/or family? NEW INFO: did this destroy the Auton world?

What’s the Rift?

What’s Bad Wolf? Gwyneth saw “the Big Bad Wolf” in Rose’s mind, and it was on a 1987 poster as graffiti

In which war did the Doctor become a war criminal, and how?

Is Rory plastic or not? Yeah, must be, he couldn’t possibly remember being plastic otherwise

Why is the Doctor sulking on a cloud?

How exactly does the Doctor have a cloud?

What exactly happened with Strax to, uh, tame him?

Which friend killed Strax?

Which friend brought Strax back?

Where did this lesbian lizard and human couple come from?

What happened with Clara as Souffle Girl and the Daleks?

How does Clara actually join?

Why so many Claras? A psychic midwife says she’s just normal human

Why is Missy apparently in robo-heaven? Is this because she’s now dead?

Why is probably!Missy pushing Clara and the Doctor together?

What is Trensilor and what happened there?

Who is Handles?

The Doctor is about to be dissolved by a beautiful geode man

The universe is being crushed by the Flux

Will the Doctor open the fobwatch? Is it actually just a pager?

Sontarans are invading Earth again

Who is Kate?

Who is Osgood? Another name of Clara’s again?

The fuck is the deal with the Grand Serpent

Does Martha get to go to an ice cream planet with 12-fingered massage aliens?

How did the Doctor forget Clara?

Who is Bill’s puddle girlfriend Heather? This is presumably the star-eyed water faerie

How did Nardole die?

When does the Doctor shrink and enter a Dalek called Rusty?

Whittaker is falling to her death rn

Was that ring relevant?

Does anyone know the Doctor’s name? Missy says it’s “Who”

When did Yaz talk to Dan about fancying the Doctor?

When did Dan talk to the Doctor about fancying Yaz?

What’s happening with the bees?

What happened with Donna’s ex and a giant spider?

What war wiped out the Daleks, and is it one of the ones already mentioned?

What did the Doctor mean when he said “The (Daleks) always live, while I lose everything?”

If Dalek Caan is the last Dalek left why are there more now?

How did the rest of the Time Lords die?

How and why did Amy melt?

What’s the question that will make silence fall?

Why do the Silents… want silence to fall?

How and why are Silents at war with the Doctor when he… hasn’t even heard of them?

How does Hitler get out of the cupboard?

What’s the significance of fish fingers and custard?

Why does the Doctor feel guilt about Rose, Martha and Donna?

What happened with the space whale?

How does the Doctor survive River? He doesn’t, apparently

How does he erase himself from history

Did Captain Jack lose his memories to the same people as the Doctor? What did he lose?

When did the Doctor send the Daleks into a void to save the universe?

Why do Amy and Rory think the Doctor is dead? Is it because of River as an astronaut?

Is Matt Smith’s Doctor a tree racist?

Why is the beautiful geode woman stealing people into a Passenger form?

River says she’ll die one day when the Doctor doesn’t remember her, let’s hope she doesn’t mean it

Why doesn’t the TARDIS like Clara?

When was the Master Prime Minister?

How do Amy and Rory rejoin the Doctor given that they haven’t died yet in 1950s Manhattan?

[yandere-daydreams]

Title: Distorted.

Pairing: Yandere!Dottore x Reader (Genshin).

A Grab Bag Commission For A Very Lovely Anonymous Commissioner.

Summary: With the help of the Akasha system, Dottore strives to keep you happy and docile and, most importantly, unaware by his side.

Word Count: 1.0k.

TW: Unhealthy Relationships, Unreality, Slight Gore/Blood, Unbalanced Power Dynamics, and Obsessive Behavior.

“Do you think Ajax is free?”

Dottore hummed thoughtfully, pressing his scalpel downward and severing a measured length of small intestine from the greater mass. With time to spare and the patient he was extracting his materials from long-dead, he took a minute aside to note the patches of scar tissue lining their internal tissue on a blood-spotted journal, to test for unusual viscosity or durability that’d have to be accounted for in his research. It was a minor study, something that would’ve been handed off to a younger branch of himself not yet ready to play a hand in more dire schemes, but due to the intervention of a certain archon, he was forced to carry out more of his own grunt work than he had in decades. Not that he minded getting his hands dirty, of course.

Especially when the same archon’s nation had given him such a lovely lab assistant to keep him company while he worked.

“Planning to replace me, little mouse?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten. It’s your own dinner party, for the Tsaritsa’s sake.” He heard you sigh in mock exasperation, then again – your frustration more genuine. You were sitting at his desk, working away at whatever little task you’d assigned yourself, the ring of blue light encircling your head pulsing brightly. It was his own handiwork – a version of the Akasha system he’d been able to maintain even after returning to Snezhnaya. He had no idea where you thought you were, what you thought he was doing, what you saw through those clouded eyes, but he knew you couldn’t be here, in his dark, cluttered lab - couldn’t see your beloved husband, the man who you’d crossed half of Teyvat to stay with, elbow-deep in a vat of disembodied organs and viscera. That was what interested him most about your experiment, really. It was one thing to wonder how you’d react if you ever found out the man you loved had such grisly pastimes. It was another, to watch what lengths your mind would go to just to substitute your reality with a more palatable fantasy. When it suited him, he could play a more involved hand in your fabrication, make himself into a hero or a villain or something else altogether, but most days, he was content to let you create your own daydreams. You were the most obedient when you could make him into exactly what you needed, that day.

“To celebrate your return to Snezhnaya,” You went on, as he piled the segmented pieces of a malformed liver onto his scale. “Pierro says that you haven’t been holding up your social obligations. I know it’s not customary, but I thought it’d be nice to invite another Harbinger – so you don’t have to suffer a room full of noblemen and merchants alone.”

So you were aware of his status as a Harbinger, today. More often than not, you treated him like a neighborhood doctor, or a traveling scholar as far from home as you’d found yourself. Sometimes, he was a low-ranking diplomat, or a medic you could welcome home from the battlefield, but you rarely acknowledged him as something so dangerous, something so far above yourself. It must’ve been the occasion. It would’ve been hard to deny who he was when you were sending out the invitations to a Harbinger’s event.

On that note, he abandoned his work, positioning himself on the opposing side of your desk. He was already smiling – it was difficult not to, when you were in his position – but his grin broadened further as he looked over your half-finished guest list, your attempts at calligraphy scribbled across what little scrap paper you could find. “I believe Tartaglia was sent back to his post in Liyue last week.”

You pursed your lips. “Pantalone comes with good company.”

“And he charges market-price for every precious second of his time. You wouldn’t want to bleed me dry, now, would you?” You tilted your head to the side, pretending to consider it, and he let out a breathy laugh, rounding the table and settling behind you, his hands coming to rest on your shoulders. “There must be an alternative.”

“Well,” You tilted your head back, your smile now matching his own. “It has been a while since I’ve heard Columbina sing–”

“Anyone but Columbina.”

“I write Pantalone a letter tonight, then.” You allowed yourself a moment to bask in your own self-satisfaction, leaning back in your seat and allowing your gaze to drift – first to your lap, then to your shoulders, where the blood and viscera coating your hands was beginning to soak into the fine ivory silk of your sleeves. There was a flash of repulsion, a sound not unlike a half-choked scream, and then you were shoving him away, your expression only growing more pained when he refused to move. He felt something tighten in his chest – not quite fear, but pure, zealous excitement. Had you, somehow, managed to break yourself out of your trance? Was there a flaw in the Akasha system he hadn’t accounted for? How much would you force yourself to forget, overwrite, warp and distort into something loving in the coming hours if you saw him for what he was, now?

“Zandik.” The sound of his name on your lips was to die for. He leaned down, pressing nipping at the corner of your jaw, and you groaned, brushing him away. “I’ve told you not to touch me while you’re painting. Look at me – it’s going to take ages to get this out of my clothes.”

Oh. Painting. How adorably quaint.

How adorably wrong.

With a sigh, he leaned down, pressing a fleeting kiss into the corner of your neck. You crossed your arms, sulking, but allowed him to. It wasn’t as if you’d be able to refuse. “Forgive me, darling.”

He straightened his back, watching red seep into white and begin to stain.

“I’m sure you’ll forget all about this in no time at all.”

[delulu-julia]

Tmnt 2012 x Primarina!Reader (female)

Years ago, turtles met you as a playful and energetic Popplio, always full of life and mischief. As time passed, they noticed your gradual transformation—white spots forming on your tail, nose, and hands, and bubble-like shapes appearing on your ears. Then, one day, you disappeared without a trace. They eventually moved on, believing you were gone forever. However, during a mission in Shredder’s (or the Kraang’s) lair, they stumble upon something shocking—you, now a fully evolved Primarina, trapped unconscious in a small tube, connected to strange wires and machines.

Omg anon thank you for requesting!! Sorry for the long wait, i just had to look up what popplio is and what it does/looks like. But this was just INCREDIBLY fun to write! i really like these unusual requests, thanks again🫶🩶🩶

Your First Meeting or Meeting You as a Popplio

The first time turtles met you, they were just kids sneaking out of the lair for a little adventure. That’s when they stumbled upon you—an energetic, giggling Popplio, balancing water balloons on your nose and laughing whenever they popped.

Mikey was immediately obsessed! He immediately tried to repeat your tricks, but of course, he failed. This didn’t stop him - he chased you, begged for more "lessons" and even tried to teach you his signature "Kawabanga!"

Raph acted like he didn’t care at first, but whenever you playfully splashed him, he’d end up chasing you around, enjoying the playful fights. At the same time, if someone else tried to offend or tease you, Raph would react sharply, as if he were defending his younger sibling. (Awww)

Donnie was more fascinated than anything. He wasn't so much into the games as he was interested in how you created water. He wrote down every observation in his little notebook, theorized, and tried to create a device that would imitate your abilities. Sometimes he forgot himself and got too close, looking at your paws and ears, which was quite funny

Leo took a little longer to warm up to you, but he appreciated how playful yet incredibly agile you were. You were chaotic, you didn't follow any rules, and sometimes it irritated him. But the more he watched you, the more he realized that your agility and ability to predict movements were not just childish playfulness, but a real talent. Sometimes he even used your movements in his training.

Over time, they started noticing changes—white spots appearing on your nose and hands, bubble-like shapes forming on your ears, and your tail growing longer. You were growing, just like them

And then, one day, you were gone. No warning, no goodbye. They waited, searched, but never saw you again. Eventually, they stopped looking, assuming you had simply left.

———————————————————————

Seeing You Again as a Primarina

Years later, when turtles are deep in battle against Shredder, Krang, or whoever’s running the latest evil scheme, they infiltrate a hidden lair. The place is filled with eerie machines, bubbling vats of strange liquid, and dim, flickering lights.

That's when they see you.

Trapped inside a tube filled with water, wires connected to your body, your long hair flowing around you. Your once playful form had fully evolved into a Primarina, graceful and ethereal. The bubbles on your ears glowed in the dim light of the lab. You looked absolutely stunning, but more importantly—you looked familiar.

Their reaction

Leonardo

When Leo sees you trapped in that containment tube, his heart stops for a second. It had been years since he last saw you, and now you were here—silent, unconscious, wires hooked up to your body.

He steps forward first, brows furrowed, a deep, unshakable feeling of guilt settling in. Why hadn’t he kept looking for you? How could he have let this happen?

But there’s no time for regret. The moment you stir, the moment you look at him with those familiar yet different eyes, something inside him reignites.

“We’re getting you out of here. I swear it.” His voice is steady, but there’s emotion behind it—he’s not losing you again.

He takes the lead, giving orders to the others to disable the security, to find a way to free you without harming you. But the second you weakly press your hand against the glass, he forgets all strategy for a second.

He just wants to get to you.

Raphael

“What the hell did they do to her!?” The second Raph sees you in that tube, it’s over—logic flies out the window. He doesn’t care about the machines, the alarms, or whatever sick experiment you were forced into. He just wants you out.

Slams his fist against the glass so hard that it actually cracks slightly. The others tell him to stop, but he’s already looking for something to break it open.

His chest feels tight. He remembers all the times you’d mess with him, all the playful challenges, all the times he’d roll his eyes but still join in on your ridiculous games.

Now, you’re not laughing. You’re barely even conscious.

The moment your eyes flutter open and land on him, he lets out a shaky breath. You recognize him. That’s all that matters.

“Hang tight” he mutters, voice softer now. “We’re gettin’ ya outta there.”

Donatello

Donnie is horrified. Not just by the fact that you’re trapped, but by the technology hooked up to you. He sees the readings, the data flashing across the monitors—this wasn’t just a prison, they were studying you.

His fingers fly across the keyboard, trying to disable the system while his brain races through every possible risk. What if the water is keeping you alive? What if removing you too quickly hurts you?

But then he hears it—the softest sound from inside the tube. His gaze snaps up, and you’re looking at him. Tired, but aware.

And in that moment, he forgets the data.

“I got you.” His voice is softer than usual, a quiet promise. “Just hold on.”

He works faster now, heart pounding. He’s not letting you slip away—not again.

Michelangelo

Mikey can’t believe his eyes. He stares at you in the tube, completely frozen, mouth slightly open in shock.

He remembers you as the goofy, energetic Popplio that would jump into his arms without hesitation. The one who’d playfully splash him with water, the one who’d always be up for an adventure.

Now, you look so different. So graceful, so quiet.

“No way…” His voice is barely above a whisper. He presses his hands against the glass, as if trying to make sure you’re real.

And then you move. Your hair twitch, your eyes flutter open, and when they land on him, your lips curve just slightly.

“Mikey…” Your voice is soft, but it’s undeniably you

Tmnt 2012 x Primarina!Reader (Romantic Headcanons)

Leonardo

At first, Leo is unsure how to approach you. You’ve changed so much since the energetic, playful days of your youth. Now, you move with a quiet grace, your voice gentle yet mesmerizing.

But as time goes on, he realizes that your core is still the same. You still look at him with the same warmth, still tease him softly when he gets too serious.

The moment he truly starts falling for you? The first time he hears you sing. Your voice is unlike anything he’s ever heard—calming, serene, almost hypnotic. It makes all of his stress melt away.

Whenever he’s meditating, you’ll quietly sit beside him and hum a soft melody. It becomes one of his favorite things.

The first time you summon a bubble just for him, it floats into his palm and glows faintly before popping. You smile, saying it’s a “good luck charm.”

That’s when he realizes—he doesn’t just admire you. He’s in love

Raphael

Raph doesn’t know how to handle his feelings. He remembers you being a hyperactive little thing, always tugging at him to play. Now? You’re so elegant and composed, and it throws him off.

But when he watches you move, when he sees the way you gently tilt your head when he talks, listening with full attention, it does something to his heart.

The first time you sing for him, he doesn’t know what to say. He just stares. And when he catches himself staring, he gets all flustered and looks away, grumbling, “Tch, that was… nice, I guess.”

One night, he finds himself unable to sleep, mind restless. You notice and summon a soft, glowing bubble just for him, watching it float before it pops. “Sweet dreams,” you whisper.

That’s the moment he’s done for.

Donatello

Donnie is fascinated by you—not just because of your transformation, but because everything about you is soothing.

He starts watching you when you aren’t looking, mesmerized by how you move, how you hum softly while working with him, how you summon small bubbles absentmindedly. (Creep)

The first time he realizes his feelings? When he’s exhausted from a long night of working, and you sing for him. His brain, always running at full speed, finally quiets down.

“You should do that more often…” he murmurs sleepily, before realizing what he said and immediately turning red. (Oh my boooy I love him😭)

You love helping him with projects, and one day, you create a bubble in the perfect shape of an atom. He stares at it, eyes wide, and you just giggle.

That’s when it clicks—he’s completely in love with you.

Michelangelo

Mikey is in awe of you. He’s always thought you were cool, but now? Now you’re like something out of a dream.

He immediately asks you to sing for him every chance he gets. Sometimes you do it playfully, sometimes softly, and each time, he falls harder.

The moment he realizes he’s in love? When you summon bubbles for him, just to make him laugh. You create tiny ones that pop on his nose, a giant one that he tries to sit in, and little glowing ones that light up the room.

“You’re like… magical, dude.” His voice is quiet when he says it, and you just smile at him.

One day, he asks if you can trap him in a bubble, just to see what happens. You do, and he floats gently before you let him down, laughing.

His heart skips a beat. That laugh, that smile—he wants to keep seeing it forever.

The original request from anon👇

Hi hello! I was wondering if I could request the turtles with a reader who's like the pokemon primarina? Like at first when they were younger they met reader when she was still a energetic and silly popplio and as they grew up into kids they noticed readers tail,nose and hands having white spots and her ears now looking they have bubbles on them but then suddenly y/n stopped showing up and they eventually stopped thinking about her until one day when they where in shredders/ krangs lair or whatever it's call they see reader trapped in a small tube unconscious with the tube being connected to wires and machines with her looking more beautiful and elegant

[yuck-pfaugh]

Camilla rootled around in the medical kit that Crown had brought in, and retrieved a big needle. She removed the webbing from around it, and Pyrrha said: "Sextus, don't think I haven't thought about this. If a blood sample was going to be enough, I would've said to do it first thing. Harrowhark Nonagesimus couldn't have rolled aside that damned rock unless it was fresh out of the vat." (NtN, p. 368)

I breezed past this the first four times because we all know Harrow opened the tomb and how; but now I feel like I have to ask: how does Pyrrha know about it? Only three people are explicitly aware, in the text, that Harrow unlocked the Tomb: the perpetrator herself; Gideon, to whom she confessed during the pool scene; and John, who heard all about her sin over tea and bikkies. None of them are explicitly aware of how the deed was done. Harrow herself, both times she told the story, believed that the key was her own bloodline, that there was some kind of built-in back door for the tombkeeper.

1. John didn't even believe that she'd got in, and if he managed to put the pieces together and revise his opinion in the interval between "Hi, Not Fucking Dead, I'm Dad" and Augustine plunging the Mithraeum into the River, he didn't say so out loud. He went one way in the water (pursued by his hands and fingers) and Pyrrha went another (with Harrow's body and Gideon's soul in tow), and the text gives us no reason to suppose they met in the middle for a private chat.

2. Gideon and Pyrrha had limited time together (and all of it on the page) before drowning (anyway a less permanent version thereof) — at which point Gideon's soul was no longer in the body that was with Pyrrha, and the next time they were in the same room Kiriona played dead till after Pyrrha had passed the above remark.

3. Harrow was occupied elsewhere during the final act on the Mithraeum and missed the juicy bits. She returned to herself only at the end of NtN, and I've seen it fairly theorised that she still doesn't know she's had the blood of God's only child under her nails.

Which seems to wipe out direct transmission from any of those three, to Pyrrha. If it was passed along by an intermediary — someone in Blood of Eden, for instance — who told them?

1. Not John.

2. Not Gideon. She was corpsified the whole time she was with BoE.

3. Harrow? At Canaan House, before the Erebos arrived, she could have told them she'd got into the Tomb — but not that she did it using Gideon's blood. As far as she knew it was because she was the Ninth House's specialest little necro. If BoE personnel who were involved in the failed Ninth House Operation told her about Gideon's likely parentage, and she in turn told them about her earlier tombdiving expedition as proof of concept... The knowledge of that conversation would've been compartmentalised along with everything else about Gideon. However, I checked the chapter where she first meets John, post-Canaan House but pre-lobotomy, and the only hint I can come up with is: "At least if she failed here, she would no longer have to be beholden to anybody." Which suggests she may have an ongoing Plot or Scheme associated with a location other than the Ninth House, and it's a thought that crosses her mind before she formally accepts John's somewhat disingenuous invitation to join his necrosaints. And yet, her shock at being told how many of her fellow House heirs were dead or missing, felt genuine.

Did Harrow already have gaps in her memory during that conversation? She was with Gideon's body at the end of the previous chapter — then she came round, as if from unconsciousness, on the Erebos. What happened in between?? Did the Harrow who had just lost Gideon Nav begin working with BoE at Canaan House, speedrunning the Eightfold Path right into the Betrayal of God faster than any Lyctor before her?? Was she an unknowing double agent during her hellish months on the Mithraeum??

Or... did Tamsyn just goof here, and forget who knew what? It seems unlike her. Any thoughts? Please? In case you couldn't tell from this post, IT'S DRIVING ME ROUND THE TWIST.

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