#Which makes this post in and of itself a somewhat hypocritical post

[croziers-compass]

My unpopular opinion is that you can really hate someone or dislike them whilst still treating them with a broad and welcoming degree of kindness. It's not being two faced so long as you do not lead them on. You can politely express that you dislike someone and it not impact your engagement. It might make them uncomfortable... But it needn't be impolite or disregarding of their wellbeing or your own wellbeing. It's just not letting your anger and dislike of someone control how you engage with others. If you cannot do this, that's okay. You're not less or worse than anyone. But it is possible.

[mogamuncher]

An exhaustive headcanon post about Bruce Wayne's unhealthy mentality.

trigger warning for: mentions C-PTSD, Survivor's Guilt, shitty dietary habits, insomnia, self-ableism, masking, workaholism, somewhat shady parenting, technically self-harm, and passive suicidal ideation.

Ok, so:

•Bruce def feels like he has to earn things. Like affection, respect, or just any form of a good thing happening to him.

•He earns his life, or so he says, but it's more like he's trying to earn the right to be alive, which is a wild thing to believe.

•Bruce is autistic as all hell, right? Diagnosed and everything, his parents used to pay for private treatment since the mental health system in Gotham is so ass. Well, after they died, Bruce just, doesn't do any of that anymore, he avoids therapists or psychologists like the plague, even ones outside of Arkham. He has a whole lot of Other Things™ outside of autism now, but he still refuses to go get proper help.

•Similarly, Bruce would rather die than to actually mention it to anyone. Like, yeah, as Brucie Wayne he's definitely masking hard (to the point where it's kinda upsetting and he gets overwhelmed), but like, he also doesn't tell shit to the whole rest of the Batfam, or the Justice League. The only person that knows that Bruce is autistic AND just generally mentally ill/traumatized, is fucking Alfred.

•This causes people to misunderstand him a lot, but part of him feels like that's more "deserved". Like, he thinks that he'd hate to be judged by his mental illness because he he dislikes the idea of his actions being justified retroactively of excused by his illnesses, not being self-aware enough to notice that this horrifically heightened sense of hyper-responsability about just fucking everything in his life is itself, a trauma response. Also, he's the world's biggest hypocrite, who famously believes that other rogues and people like Jason Todd need to be helped instead of killed or put down, going directly against his own attitude towards himself.

•He genuinely believes that whole "[insert mental illness here] is not an excuse to [insert a behavior or symptom of aforementioned mental illness here]", but like, only towards himself. To everyone else he rightfully thinks that stuff is bullshit.

•Bruce puts himself up to some crazy standards, actually. He works non-stop as both Brucie, Bruce, and Batman, always doing something, unable to stay still or even sleep. He skips meals, neglects his well-being, he puts everything on the line and expects himself to do it everyday, every hour, without fail, every single time.

•His kids think that he's neurotic, they're kinda right, the Justice League think he's too paranoid, they're right too, Gotham city thinks he's a saviour, it's true, the rogues think he's a monster, that's fair as well. Alfred? He just thinks Bruce is hurt, he's the most right of all.

•Part of this is a form of punishment, atonement for being alive, for surviving that fateful night when his parents didn't, for daring to go on with life when they're both sixteen feet under, for having the audacity to raise a family, the gall of having friends, the sheer nerve to even consider having a romantic relationship, when his parents couldn't even hug him. Not anymore. He's here, not them.

•And it kills him, because he saw it, saw them die, saw them gurgle on their own blood and sat with their bodies until the police arrived, this is what led him to become Batman, to mask as Brucie, to guide so many young people away from being like him as Bruce. So how dare he, how dare he be happy when they died? How dare he forget that alley, for even a second? How could he? Didn't he love them? Didn't he make a promise to live out the rest of his life in a mission to prevent events like this?

•It's like he's in a toxic relationship with two corpses, they're cold and their eyes follow him, he's hollow and blind to anything but them. Part of him would love to argue that his parents, Thomas and Martha Wayne themselves, would prefer to see him happy and fulfilled. Another part of him remembers gunshots, blood spatter, and the sound of choked gurgling, and Bruce spirals all over again.

•Perhaps he's waiting for this life for kill him, finish the job that gun didn't do years ago, kill him like his parents, hurt him so deeply he can't recover, destroy him until he's repented for being so inherently horrible. Because he is, he knows he is, he's neurotic, paranoid, a saviour complex having monster, this is what he aimed for, he seeked out this outcome, just waiting to be put down like those before him.

•He's passionate about his cause, sure, but that's surface level. The front used to keep the image of an asshole neurotic paranoid man that has a saviour complex, instead of exposing the truth behind himself. Who he really is.

•A child, that's who he is, a kid reliving his worst bad day over and over and over again.

•He earns his life, he'd earned this.

[blossomthepinkbunny]

My full Stolitz rant

Like many other people I really dislike Stolitz as a ship and the newest episode proved that further. I decided to just make a full rant about everything that comes to mind, instead of making multiple posts, focused on different general aspects/themes of HB or HH like I usually do. So this will not cover the issues I have with the writing of other characters like Stella or Octavia (I briefly talked about Stella and the aspect of woobyfying Stolas in my Adam post already). This also won't cover general problems with writing relationships in HB/HH or anything that breaches out of their relationship for that matter. It will probably also be focused mostly on Stolas because Blitzø isn't in the wrong in their relationship really.

One of my problems is that I've seen some people try to defend Stolas' actions by referring to Blitzø as a sex worker to which I just have to say:

1. He isn't a sex worker, he's an assasin. He only has a transactional relationship with Stolas, for which he didn't have a choice, otherwise he would lose his job and the opportunity to provide for his workers and daughter. It's not like we see him generally have sexual relations for payment with other people, only Stolas which makes sense, because he isn't a sex worker and doesn't want to be.

2. Even if he was a sex worker/qualifies as one in the specific relationship he has with Stolas, that doesn't mean that he owes Stolas anything other than sex. It's not Blitzø's fault for not wanting to have anything to do with Stolas and he doesn't owe him kindness, understanding or love after what Stolas put him through, just like real sex workers don't owe a romantic relationship to any of their costumers.

It was genuinely kinda refreshing to see Stolas finally acknowledge what their relationship isn't good and that Blitzø needs to be away from him. And seeing him give the Asmodean crystal to Blitzø was a nice gesture. But this is immediately made irrelevant by the confusion of what Stolas' character is even supposed to be here. He goes towards being somewhat likeable by understanding that what he did was wrong and having that finally be recognized and called out in the show. Called out by Blitzø, who has many good reasons to dislike him and give Stolas that reality check. But then the show wants us to pity Stolas again by making him say that god awful cringy line and making me immediately roll my eyes again. Because them acknowledging the bad actions of the character (something the show wants to pride itself on so badly) was something I wanted to see ever since HB started to victimize that stupid owl. I was ready to see this character less negatively when the reality of his actions finally hit him, with the genuine breakdown Blitzø has because of him. But he gets woobyfied immediately so now he seems like a manipulative hypocrite once again, because the conversation they have might as well go like this:

Stolas: I want you to be free because I realized that the relationship I set up wasn't right and I don't want you to feel forced to love me. I care for you and I want to love you, but at the same time, I don't want you to have an obligation to be kind to me or have a relationship with me.

Blitzø: Is this a joke?

Stolas: No, I am giving you freedom, so you can stop feeling forced to do whatever I say.

Blitzø: So you're acknowledging that you suck and that you weren't nice to me and you're giving me the freedom to choose how I will proceed with our relationship.

Stolas: Yes, I am.

Blitzø: Well I do think you suck because of the reasons you mentioned and I'm gonna give you my perspective of the things you said and explain just how badly you hurt me, especially when you're just sending me away like this, giving the impression that you're throwing me aside, after you got everything you wanted from me.

Stolas: How can you think of me like this?! I love you so much and you just think I suck?!

What reason did Stolas ever give Blitzø to like him? Apart from the coercion even, there is no common ground they have. They never hang out just casually or talk like normal people, who would realistically be able to form a relationship. The only date they had (from what we can assume from the context clues in the show) that wasn't just a meeting for sex was in Ozzies and that went south really quickly. It honestly reminds me of Twilight, where Bella and Edward are said to be a great couple (by the movies atleast, haven't read the books) when they have never had a normal conversation or an interaction that could give them chemistry. All of the interactions Stolas and Blitzø had so far were either scenes talking about/having/having just had sex or them talking/singing about how tragic their lovestory is. The only exception to that are the scenes were they are children and that's obvious because it would be weird to have literal children talk about sex or about the tragedy of their relationship, when they've only known eachother for a day or so. But even these scenes don't make them seem greatly compatible or even interesting because they only hung out for hardly a day and then didn't interact for like 30-40 years until they meet again (for the first time since they were children) and Stolas just immediately assumes Blitzø wants to fuck him.

And what also weirded me out is when Stolas said something along the lines of: "why do you always make this about sex?". As if Stolas ever gave Blitzø a sign that he wants to have anything but sex from him. Again, Ozzies is the only example for that and after that, their relationship was not that important until now. But even then, Stolas made sexual remarks towards him in "Seeing Stars" and talked about how good he is at sex in "Western Energy". And this sexual relationship they have is something Stolas set up, when he could've also just given Blitzø the book without forcing him to have sex and get closer by genuinely being kind to him. We don't even really know what he likes about Blitzø except for how he is in bed, so why am I supposed to care about their relationship and be sad about it not working out. Because they never give us the impression that either Blitzø's or Stolas' life would be better with the other in it (this is excluding sexual context becasue Stolas made it clear that he doesn't just want a sexual relationship in this episode). The only thing they have in common is that they both have daughters they struggle with but even there is a huge difference. Blitzø desperately wants a good relationship with Loona and constantly gives her affection and compliments, to which she responds with annoyance and abuse. Stolas has a daughter so understanding and just really neglected by him, on one hand because he always prioritized Blitzø over her (something he'd probably judge Stolas for, because spending time with a daughter who actually likes him and wants to spend time with him would probably be one of his dreams).

And nothing of this is even mentioning the sexual harassment Stolas puts Blitzø through. It starts with the pilot and the first episode, where their deal starts, at a point in the story where Stolas' whole character joke was just talking about wanting to fuck Blitzø. In the first episode their deal is established, a deal Blitzø hastily agrees to, because he is literally being hunted down, something Stolas is fully aware of. In the second epsiode Stolas makes sexual remarks towards Blitzø in front of his daughter and in the rest of the episodes he is in general very touchy and diminishing, something Blitzø is never shown to be a fan of. Stolas also very blatantly either fetishes Imps or is downright abusive towards them, showing that he doesn't see them as equal and that Blitzø's assumption about Stolas thinking he's less important is probably true (which is just a great setup for a relationship I'm sure).

In the end Stolitz is a confused, manipulative, victim blaming mess of a ship which could be used to great potential, if there was ever a point were they use this dynamic to genuinely portray a toxic relationship that shouldn't happen, instead of acting like they're meant to be together despite the toxicity and as if Stolas deserves my pity when Blitzø rightfully tells him to fuck off. Sometimes people just aren't meant to be a couple because they genuinely are too different or have other issues. But they can't have the story be about Blitzø breaking away from Stolas, because then the show couldn't mainly be carried by shipping and selling cutesy merch of a couple which actually sucks.

I do not care for the stupid owl and I probably never will. I do not think Vivzepop has the writing ability to turn this whole thing around and make Stolas end up as a well-written, flawed but still sympathetic character. The more they go into victimizing him by showing all the characters that call him out as abusive, inconsiderate or heartless (Stella, Octavia, Blitzø), the more I will dislike him and miss what the show once started as.

[alicentflorent]

alicent comes off as a very realistic portrayal of an abuse survivor to me. loving your abuser, idealizing them, being angry but then later finding ways to justify their actions, forgiving them even when they don't deserve it (especially after death), continuing the cycle of abuse by victimizing others the same way you were victimized without even realizing it, acting out in ways that seem illogical from the outside but follow directly from the way you were treated, that's all really common. alicent has been abused by both her father and her husband (who didn't necessarily have bad *intentions* but still ended up causing enormous harm to his family), and also just by the society she lives in, because abuse is built into it. just because the audience doesn't understand how abuse works and how it affects people doesn't mean the show is badly written, it just means most people don't understand much of anything about abuse.

and i don't think the show dumbing itself down to explicitly explain this shit to the audience would actually meaningfully change people's reactions to it. the show did a pretty good job in s1 making it clear that 15yo alicent didnt actually have a choice in whether or not she married her friend's dad and plenty of people still didn't fucking get that. because the abuse culture the show is depicting and criticizing is not THAT far off from the one we live in, and most people will keep buying into it regardless of what the dragon show has to say about it.

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I agree with everything you said and I’ve made similar posts analysing Alicent from the perspective of someone with trauma and I thought that was mostly how the writers were portraying her throughout season one and especially how they portrayed her younger self who the general viewers did have empathy for. This season however I think they’ve seen how hated Alicent was and ran with the fandoms interpretation of her as a hypocritical bad mother who’s just jealous of Rhaenyra and still has no agency because she aligned herself with woman hating men - this is literally how producers have been talking about her, they’ve also said she had a good, loving marriage with viserys (which is victim blaming because they don’t acknowledge that you can be a victim of abuse even if your husband is genuinely kind to you) and the way they’ve framed her scenes have certainly been.. a choice. I mean blood and cheese alone - removing her from the narrative, having her having consensual sex during the murder and when her daughter runs into her room afterwards, then saying that Alicent (not Aegon, not Rhaenyras haters etc) exaggerated her grandsons murder as anti Rhaenyra propaganda. So while I agree with this and even think that may have been the initial idea when they created young Alicent, I think they’ve changed the way they’re trying to portray her, Ryan Condal has said disgusting things about her, I’m not sure about Sarah Hess and other producers because I refuse to watch the entire post episode anti Alicent commentary. I think Olivia is the only reason why Alicent is portrayed as somewhat sympathetic and understandable.

[ct-hardcase]

I was originally going to put my thoughts on where I'm at with Avar and Elzar's relationship right now, but it was getting very long for a tag rant, so here we go.

Before I get into what I get into, I do want to say there was a moment in Tempest Breaker where Avar said some very harsh words to Keeve (which were imo unwarranted and hypocritical), then in a later scene, Avar clarifies that she and Elzar talked it over, he helped her realized her comments were unwarranted and hypocritical, and she apologized to Keeve. This moment of the two actively making the others better helped boost what Temptation was trying to go for imo, and I did enjoy that, and it makes the dynamic feel very solid and lived-in, as opposed to the honeymoon phase of a romance.

That being said, though they do make each other better, there's a disparity in the support systems outside each other, with Elzar maintaining friendships with Lina, Bell, Burryaga, among a few others I'm forgetting.

Conversely, due to Avar's jaunt in the Occlusion Zone, she's grown apart from most of the people she'd maintained friendship with in Phase I, or they died on Starlight Beacon. It's not like she doesn't have friends, but her story hasn't focused on them (aside from Rhil and Belin), and mostly stayed in the scope of her endeavors with Elzar until her recent mission in Tempest Breaker (which also included Elzar whenever she wasn't in the OZ itself).

To a degree, I think there is some underlying sexism in how their writing played out in this phase. It's a neat character arc that Elzar starts the initiative as a relatively shut-in introvert reticent to work with other people, and is ending it spread almost too thin between working with the Chancellor, Council, the OZ border efforts, and attempts to breach/communicate with the OZ. However, contrasting this against Avar, where she spends most of her year in the OZ alone (thinking of how to get back to Elzar), albeit saving people and becoming a beacon of hope, and then upon her return, is catapulted into a story about their romance before finally getting a story primarily involving others in Tempest Breaker 2/3 of the way into the Phase puts a bad taste in my mouth (not to mention, Elzar is allowed to be in other stories than the main adult novels. Due to the insularity of the stories in this Phase, Avar doesn't get nearly as much of that).

However, though my thoughts that this is a somewhat sexist direction still hold (especially given the feminization of Avar/masculization of Elzar taking place in their designs throughout, which is a whole other post), the fact that Avar's isolation is consistent across George Mann, Tessa Gratton, and Cavan Scott makes me wonder if this is also a character trait that may be relevant to the plot of Trials of the Jedi toward the end of the phase. This is evidenced by Avar's Nameless-induced vision of losing Elzar clocking in at one of her worst fears, and the fact that their romance has been going a bit too perfectly for me to think it won't be tested in the final novel. I will go fully cards on the table and say that Avar is my favorite between the two and I want her to be okay/would appreciate having more stories where she gets to be separate from Elzar if that's possible going forward, but in terms of "who will spiral the most when they lose the other", I feel like she's the clear contender if she keeps putting her non-Elzar peers at an arm's length.

[rantdiscourse]

People used to call this one M/F ship (D*kS**) Yaoi and now Yuri bruh make up your fucking mind and stop being ashamed that your into a het (m/f) ship, get it together

And they focus on a big account calling their ship hetslop (when they've actually said much worse in other sites lmao) instead of acknowledging and accepting that some Han Sooyoung stans are extremely misogynistic when talking about Yoo Sangah (ON HER BIRTHDAY POSTS!) just cuz in their pea brains that Yoo Sangah is getting in the way of their hetslop

Also going into the funniest and most brain dead conclusions, putting words in other's month and thinking they're not in the wrong about their bullshit lmao

we have 2 types of D*kS** shippers; the homophobic dudebros and the misogynistic slackavists shojo heads

The first group is so common on Reddit and many have stated that they only ship DokSoo cuz it's straight and if Hsy was a man they would ship D*kS** which ew okay

The second group is so funny, frustrating and sad cuz they try to be so progressive that they end up shooting themselves in the foot, try using fiction fandom shipping as a tool for activism while (sometimes) slandering other female characters defeating their main point and goals.

Ending up just giving dudebros points to use for their campaign and "proof" why their homophobia is justified

The second group ends up feeding homophobia and promoting homophobic rhetoric and wow we loooovveeeee to see that 🙄

(And then we get the third secret one; the ones who keep to themselves and we don't see them being loudly annoying cuz they actually do shit instead of crying and whining)

It doesn't help that most of the second group are antis too but would say the most hypocritical shit like a mentally 30+ year old version of Han Sooyoung writing a novel for an abused and suicidal child Kim Dokja to save him; extending his life is sooooo romantic; erghhhh brother erghhhh gross

Like phrasing it into "Han Sooyoung wrote for Kim Dokja for 13 years that's true romantic" is taking out the facts and contexts in the novel itself, also it's not 1864/5 Han Sooyoung who wrote for the kid, it was 1863 Han Sooyoung, the one who barely knew Kim Dokja but saw an abused kid unable to get help and she could write a story to save him though (parallels with Kim Dokja's mother who wrote a book to save Kim Dokja but with the opposite effect) and the Han Sooyoung of the 1864/5th round did write but it was more of a group effort and project. Don't take away the efforts of the rest of KimCom too man. (I could make a whole analysis text with this in the future)

That's a fucking adult trying to save a child if it's romantic in nature then it'd be grooming

But it's cuz it's het/straight and older women can never be predatory so it's okay or something I guess

But the somewhat equivalent to this ship; SpOd and it's m/m is not okay, its actually pedo shit

Do they not realize the hypocrisy or is that just a block for them cuz they didn't actually read the novel or think at all

And of course they disregard any person who's a SpOd shipper's point of view cuz the ship makes them feel gross so it's an instant accusation of being [buzzword] instead of exercising the skill of media literacy and reading about a different perspective.

It's so disingenuous and gross.

I need these people to get their shit together.

[lee-hakhyun]

Hiii i will answer in an ask since using tags would be quite cumbersome.

I want to firstly say that im sorry for assuming your identity. I shouldn't have done that. I'm a little bit sensitive when it comes to this matter since i saw a lot of....pretty mean stuff that people said about otherkinity since i entered the community even when it wasn't necessary bad intentioned, so that why's i immediately jumped to the assuming that you were the same. That's the reason, but not a excuse so I'm sorry. I didn't meant to hurt you or anything like that.

Also, i def wont block you or any mutual over this, especially when yall are very respectful and understanding and especially when in this case it's just more a matter of view towards a recognized issue (man why does this sound so formal.....i hate english). And i hope you didn't took my tags as an attack or anything of sorts, i just wanted to raise an issue that worries me a lot, especially when the majority doesn't even know what otherkinity is or when they do, they mostly brush off/ignore it.

Also, before knowing what otherkin was or the kff movement, i used the term kinning in that way too (especially when it came to kdj). Even nowadays, when i try to regulate my usage of the word "kin", i still think to myself "man im too much of a kdj kinnie blergh" because it's too integrated in my brain from all the jokes/memes. So like. I think it would hypocritical to not clarify that. + you tags were far from incoherent, quite the opposite! I think my tags was messier lol

Thing is i do agree somewhat with your views/opnion and i do agree that 90% of the people use it as way to express their love or understanding or empathy with a character and i think that's amazing. But i also, it doesn't erase the fact that it do help erase and block the voices from community and does nothing to raise awareness, and still perpetuate the harm done to the otherkinity. Especially! Towards fictionkin. Although I'm not fictionkin and i dont speak over their issues, from what i seen in some posts the fact that "kinning" became so popular esp in the context of "kinning" a fictional character, it make it harder to talk about their experiences and only intensify the pre-judgment and steorytyping.

Just because "kinnig" is popular now, it doesn't mean that it has/will be that way forever. Over the years, there were many harmful words that were popular in usage but were dropped off and substituted by other non-harmful words later on and "kinning" can be one of those too. I like to discuss the understanding or empathy one have towards characters and i like how this type of discussion became more popular due to "kinning" and precisely because of that, that i find important for us (as in, people on the internet) to popularize alternative terms, akin to how "generative media" is becoming more used than "AI" in some spaces.

It's true that there is no other popular term, and that precisely why it's even more necessary to use alt terms to describe this understanding one have towards a character.

But like you said, its more a matter of opnion/views more than anything. But again, i think it would be at least the minimum if people outside of the community raised more awareness and gave more voice to otherkin ppl, which i dont see happening. I just came to know what otherkinity is because i remembered the term "voidpunk" from the aro community and when i went to search it on tumblr i saw it being tagged in otherkin posts, rather than a directly seeing the term in a post from the dash or anything like that.

So if people outside of the community use kinning, then at least i hope they also care about the community itself and our opinions, experiences and issues. I hope one day, otherkinity would be more known and accepted rather than remain with the popular knowledge of "identity made up by cringe mentally ill tumblr teenagers, who are northern american/european" (at least for me, as an Brazilian, the last part is really depressing) (I hate being seen as USAian or european. Like. Ewww)

I kinda fear that all this discussion about otherkin language and kff will just be brushed as "silly tumblr discourse made by chronically online ppl" rather than something serious to think and talk about, especially in outside circles. so like. Im sorry if im getting too emotional or anything about that, in this aspect, its less about you or my mutuals as individuals and more about "many, many, many people and society in general are pretty ableist, mean and ignorant when it comes to subcultures like this and i want to more people understand that and try to find an alternative way to describe a pretty positive and funny experience without harming other people".

I guess that as long as it harms people, even in indirect ways, i will still be uncomfortable with the term kinning and i dont think i would be ever or so soon be comfortable in using it the way i used before, but that's on me. At the end of the day, people are free to do what they want, and i respect that freedom, especially when they're understanding/respectful/well-intentionated.

And thats it. Sorry for the long ask ajsbsisjsisj also i struggle with tone so sorry if i seemed too rude or too formal (?). English also doesn't helps lol

oh it's okay i mostly keep this blog to fandom/games i get why you would assume things, especially about this! i don't mind other people having differing opinions/feelings, just that i personally don't mind kinnies (as long as they're respectful ofc) + indulge in the kinnie stuff myself. and you're completely in the right to be uncomfortable with it yourself, i wasn't looking to change your opinion but just express mine ^^ i get that it's a touchy topic for a lot of otherkin, i felt that i had to bring up the otherkin/kinnie distinction in that ask because ignoring to just reply with the kinnie definition would leave people ignorant. better to educate people to the best of my ability than to leave people in the dark.

if i start seeing a big push for new language i'd totally be on board to swap to it.. but unfortunately a lot of the alternatives i see are just never used compared to kinnie/kinning. i believe what's most likely to happen to replace kinnie is not a term created specifically to replace it, but a popular new word that just happens to have the same meaning. maybe some good might finally come from tiktok's easy virality🤷

[manyegos]

Girl, Interrupted

Originally posted on October 25, 2016 This movie relates so much in a specific way to my life, what happened to me and where I was living in those years as I was in an institution type place. Specially this one quote about being in the world as awful as it is. The thing is most of my friends back them are either dead (many) or in jail. Only few of us made it out, and for the few of us that made it out I don't care of keeping up with them. I used to want so bad to stay connected, specially as they kept dying, but they are and we are so destructive with eachother. That is what happens when you connect people through shared trauma. This is why you should never keep relationships once you leave certain institutions like prison, jail. hospitals, etc

GIRL, INTERRUPTED "Susanna: I've wasted years of my life in here. Maybe everybody out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is "fake", hypocrite and ignorant". But I'd rather be in it. I'd rather be fucking in it, than down here with you."

"Susanna: Crazy isn't being broken, or swallowing a dark secret. It's you, or me, amplified. If you ever told a lie, and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child, forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends. And by the 70s, most of them were out, living lives. Some I've seen. Some never again. But there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them."

on 2016 I wrote this in relation to the post: It’s crazy how we are almost obligated to belong to this shallow generation of fake lives and fake feelings. No one really care how anyone actually feels or what is happening in the world. However, if you challenge that, if you show how you actually feel given all the chaos and pain in this world, they would call you crazy. They would isolate you. And finally, they will medicate you to be functional when the truth is that is really not your fault, it was never you, it was the world. Our goverment, our culture, social media, the economy, etc etc. When I look at my generation, I often feel a deep sadness. I see us giving away our freedoms and privacy with every small choice we make accepting surveillance in exchange for convenience, valuing appearance over truth. I feel overwhelmed whenever I see us setting the stages for corruption, turning social issues into a spectacles, trading our privacy and integrity for likes or followers, and giving the word “life” meaning only through Instagram or Facebook. Pretending instead of truly connecting. I wonder if, throughout history, others felt this way too. Were there people who were labeled “depressed” simply because the world around them was acting in a way that felt deeply wrong? During times of slavery, were those who opposed it called mad or cast aside? When women were silenced or dismissed, were those who spoke up told it was just hysteria, rather than recognizing that something was profoundly wrong with society itself?… I just wonder if there is someone out there feeling this way… copping with what it is…

Whenever I hear about people going to jail for terrible crimes, or about those who are heavily medicated, or those who take their own lives, I can't help but wonder: how much of their path was shaped by a society that failed them? Sometimes I think we use punishment or diagnosis as a way to avoid asking deeper questions about our collective responsibility. I have a lot of compassion towards who are seen as “lost causes or odds because I know how difficult it must be to end up there and how easy that your life turns that way. If you’re one of those people, please know: you are not alone. I hope that, even in a world like this, you’ll one day find peace." _________ In present context this sounds somewhat emo or unhinged, but back then with the state for which my life was forced to, I felt so much compasion. Years later I would lament of all those years wasted away in that place, and most recently I would waste years myself because of how numb I was and all the mental repercussions of living almost a decade in such conditions. Truly none of it was my fault, but years later it was, I was at fault of not being mentally stronger to move on or not making smarter choices.

“Lunatics are similar to designated hitters. Often an entire family is crazy, but since an entire family can't go into the hospital, one person is designated as crazy and goes inside. Then, depending on how the rest of the family is feeling that person is kept inside or snatched out, to prove something about the family's mental health.”

[sotogalmo]

3 — 9:26

Alien Stage's Sweetest Princess!<⁠(⁠￣⁠︶⁠￣⁠)⁠↗*⁠･⁠゜ﾟ

~Rosca!

So. Rosca! big post! (Following the format of my other post about Flor, I feel like I should tag you all again; @solei-eclipse , @ivanttakethis , @pwippy , @apriciticreveries , @skyisjusthere , @nottoonedin , @starry-skiez , @rosedeleca , @kamersona & others!)

The rest of the info is again under the cut!

Name: Rosca— ‘ros’ taken from the Spanish word of “Donut”; Rosquilla. The “ca” was there to give a feeling of “rose”. But the word itself, rosca, means Wreath

Birth date: 0214 (February Valentine'a Day!) ~20.

ID: 010865

Body: 174cm / 69kg

Affiliation: ANAKT Garden

Likes: roses, cute things, desserts (made by Flor), true love, theaters

Dislikes: not being appreciated, Anakt's artificial flowers, weak people, some of her leftover fans noticing her.

Personality: Rosca, is a very dramatic but social, outgoing, dainty, and elegant individual. She cares a lot about her appearance and always wants to look her best. She is also a boisterous person, she brags about her demeanor and doll-like appearance often as she cares a lot of what she looks like. She is quiet around people she deems them as ‘weak’, and due to this she doesn't pay attention to them. She is also a spoiled brat that is prone to outbursts and public displays of anger or rage when rejected or undermined— usually only used to getting praised and loved via her owner doing just that whenever Rosca would listen to him. She is quite narrow-minded, because of how she was raised. She is a sweet girl, but only by looks and when around the staff members of Anakt. As said before, she is quiet around people she sees as ‘weak’ and due to this she doesn't pay attention to them, it also goes the other way if delinquents ever “fight” her; she doesn't fight not because she's weak, but because she doesn't want to ruin herself for something other wants. This makes her self-absorbed into herself, and caring only for her appearance as said above. But, just like Flor; she is a very curious and adventurous girl! She's a hypocrite though. She doesn't like petty things, but she does petty things (ie, breaking up with Flor when she finishes her first song). And because of being petty, and stuck up, haughty in her ways of living her easy life, she's also manipulative and cunning. How did this all come about? Well- Since childhood, Rosca was influenced by several factors to be prideful, selfish and inconsiderate. Raised within a very luxurious but also carefree lifestyle, it all made her into the girl we all now know her as.

Special Talent: Acting as others/mimicry to a very extended degree (one emotion from someone bumped to 100)

Voice/Singer Claim: Elise from Little Goody Two Shoes! (voice wise) / Daughter of Evil Musical actor of Rillane Lucifen d'Autriche (singer claim) :

Signature:

moths, rings and two lines under her name; lines can be interpreted as anything (ie; scratch marks, etc)

History/lore (as of now)

Her talent of being able to show someone else's emotion, pumped up to 100- is due to the fact that she was somewhat raised around performance actors and television of old opera and theaters. Her owner really liked those shows, and Rosca really liked the pretty girls in there! So, she has observing the actors emotions, and wanted to put more effort into the acts then the actors themselves did. Which also made her have the right emotions of singing very loud songs! Something that Flor doesn't have- since Flor would rather sing love-songs or very soft sounding ones, and that had drawn her to Flor. Flor's poetry as well! But it seems that they have a deeper connection to each other? Like they know of each other's lives and guardians. More than needed; knowing how their guardians act around each other, knowing how they do things together and such of those things.

Her score of singing a positive Y. She is the one with the "empowering" voice, but it's just loud and

Her collar? She has the standard one, even if she's very well-behaved. She talks out and such a lot. Her collar is under her uniform's neck area.

She doesn't have the common uniform, as it's a modified doll-like and princess-like uniform, fit for her acts and the standard motions she does when bored.

+ her uniform also keeps her occupied, when she's bored and doesn't want to talk to anyone; she's very vocal about it.

She is related to Luka, via— DNA; like a descendant of sorts. She firstly grew up in the area where they were all raising children that are similar to said guy (DNA donor) and similar to her (but then again- maybe some of them aren't similar looking). The three traits that show of her being related to Luka, is her eyes: a golden yellow and her height. It's brighter than Luka’s due to how she was raised by a different alien than he was (which I'll explain more when we get to him). And her height? I suppose it's genetic. Oh! Also her hair, especially the front area. And it's layered the same way. But her pigtails are straightened with some slight curls towards the end.

Rosca is a very sarcastic and, probably ill-mannered girl to those who she meets. As said, many times, she puts an ego boost on herself when talking to her peers. She is not nervous to speak her mind. But when she gets comfortable with someone, she slightly tones down her childishness for them. But she especially tones it down when around someone she deems very worthy of her. But she is also a sweet girl, but only by looks and when around the staff members of Anakt (along with her equal); as the ones who work in Anakt listen to her every demand, unless it's those pushy aliens.

She sometimes shows rebellious tendencies, but by the end of the day— she obeys and never rebels against her owner, and the staff members. Because in-return, she gets what she wants.

Rosca's body state has been stated to have been slightly experimented on, before she came to Anakt— mainly in the information of her DNA.

Overall Threat Level: Low, to a high no threat at all.

Onto Rosca's Guardian!

Or her "father" and or slash "dad" as she calls him. I mentioned him quite a bit I think,,,

so here he is!

Lapa (or Ogal) is an alien that is similar to the mythical creature Lapago; lion body with a man's head and a Manticore; It has the head of a human, the body of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion or a tail covered in venomous spines similar to porcupine quills. He is not quite famous, as he's more of an undercover and hiding type of alien boss.

Lapa is known for his love of opera and theaters, which has transferred to his daughter; Rosca. He does some small plays here and there, nothing great or big. It's for his own sake and personal enjoyment. Which he won't change for anyone's sake— he has a good relationship with his daughter; who he spoils very much, but also tells the truth with no sugar-coating it at all. He raised her in a luxurious but also carefree lifestyle, to not care about others but only yourself and the true lover. While being raised by Lapa, Rosca was influenced by several factors to be prideful, selfish and inconsiderate but also considerate. But she doesn't seem comfortable with being considerate for others' sake.

Lapa, also has a fascination with royalty and rules. Which has seemingly inspired the clothing that Rosca wears as a uniform in Anakt, and her behavior of acting like a "princess". It's a simple but frilly and extravagant dress with purple laces at the bottom. His fascination with the rules are actually just something he likes learning about. He doesn't have set rules, minus only one: “protagonist of your own life” (if you get the reference i explode/pos). This ties to how he lives his life undercover and hiding, then being out in the open. He sets his boundaries, and has a strong feeling of being true to themselves. Which somewhat bleed into Rosca's point of view in life.

But, she went more heavy on that set rule and such. As evident by her bossy princess behavior.

Lapa is in his 30s, ~human wise. He has a strange relationship with Flor's mother.

Rosca has a sugar tooth, which Flor has provided for a lot; when she was allowed to go into the kitchen to whip up some sweets. Rosca would only accept Flor's handmade sweets.

Rosca is the only (known) pet of Ogal.

She was sent to Anakt due to her skill and love of theatrics. She was 5-6 when she was sent to Anakt.

Rosca has taken an interest in Flor, due to Flor's "leader but chooses to follow" type of mindset and behavior. Has probably made Flor pick her up from time to time due to boredom.

Rosca gets bored easily. She mainly plays with her dress, or talks ill about someone. Just to not feel too bored and empty.

Rosca's body went thru Precocious/premature puberty.

Her "leftover" fans, are the ones who knew her before she went to Anakt; they knew her from one of Lapa's plays. They are all ordinary looking; brown hair, brown eyes, with little specks of green but that's it. A normal human.

Rosca has a better singing voice, and can be loud as said before. Her favorite genre of song is metal!

Her interest in true love, happens when she breaks up with Flor, but also during the time when she was with Flor, romantically— how they got together was due to the common "flower crown", but the flowers picked not being the Anakt flowers. How they split up, is from a petty reason of not being mentioned as much as she would like in Flor's first song of self-expression (the song being called: Cirque du Jack)

Symbolism! (once again, because I love symbolism tbh)

↓↓

Dolls! Quite obvious. But I think the doll, from Poppy Playtime— Poppy herself— is more of a fitting "symbolism" than just any other doll. Moreso only by design, but slightly in backstory and personality too. But only by design I would mainly say.

Princess. I have said this and it's evident very much by how she was raised, her title, how she looks, how she acts and maybe even how she sounds! Her singing outfit will mainly reflect that- princess nature, of her.

DNA. A weird thing to say, that this is a part of the symbolism area, but I feel like talking about this here is better than just the random fact area. So I'll do that— I have stated that she is related to Luka via DNA (possibly making them biologically related?). This goes well into the story of Sweetheart herself, from OMORI. Since there is "PERFECTHEART", "ROBO-HEART" and "MUTANTHEART" (I believe that is all of them). So to say, this is more of a random tidbit of info.

Food. Another thing that might be out of place, but for the same reason of me adding it again; and well .. with Sweetheart being a donut (evident by canon art of her in a beach swim wear). I just think it would be weird of me to not include it (but I didn't know where to include it, so it's here with the symbolism area). A lot of the reason why it's here is the same reason why I have "Food" also on Flor's lore post. Also— random design fact! I did say that she had a tummy, and I suppose the donut theme fits with that (since I don't want her without a digestive system!!!!)

+ adding to food though, again; there are drinks. Rosca gives me a cherry type of drink vibe to me. A wine cherry, perhaps?

Flowers. The main thing that will be explaining Flor's flowers! First; I'll be explaining the bleeding heart flower with the same meaning screenshot for it (+ along with an image of said flower)

"Lost love"= goes to the fact of Rosca and Flor being exes. But also, the fact that the flowers are poisonous is one that is very striking. And one that I think fits Rosca, very well.

But now, onto her own flowers!

First, the White oleanders!

They symbolize elegance, beauty, caution, and even death. But also of this weird thing that I just learned about— In Tuscany, Italy, the oleander is known as St. Joseph's Staff which was said to have burst into flower when in the Angel announced that he was to marry the Virgin Mary. But that's just an interesting thing. I just picked the oleander flower due to the fact that it's a poisonous one.

And now, the Grande Amore rose!

And well, the common meaning of a rose is all about love, passion, romance, and devotion— but also love, royalty, beauty, sensuality, secrecy, and mysticism. So that's,, a bit self-explanatory since roses are very well known flowers along with their meanings. But a pink rose! I wanna say that it also fits well, with Rosca? Pink flowers represent grace, gentility, and happiness. Regardless of the shape of the flower – from the tight, small buds of a pink garden rose to the delicate, open petals of a pink peony in full bloom – pink blossoms convey youth, innocence, and joy. <- this one seems to fit the most.

if you all don't know how sweetheart looks, here she is:

(also sorry that the symbolism part is very short??? Or just not that well,, ,,,, I didn't have too much time to come up with symbolism)

[guzsdaily]

Having an [small] objective in life

Day 08 - Nov 13, 12.023

"Continuation" of Day 2's topic.

It has been one week of writing these daily blog posts, look at me, finally being consistent in something in life! If I could at least repeat the same thing in other parts of my life, it would be great! But apparently having an eight hours night of sleep AND waking up early to have enough energy and time in the day is quite harder than I thought.

I have to admit that a lot of things that I write in these daily blogs are attempts to put these ideas back into my mind, because everybody knows that giving advice is a lot easier than following them. And very often we end up being hypocrites to ourselves, so just as a note, read everything with a grain of salt knowing that even I can't follow what I write here.

Remember when I talked about having a dream in Day 2? About my dream of creating a brand called "Capytal"? I have to admit that it was a lot easier to feel inspired about having a dream, than putting work in it. Since then, I feel like nothing about it has been done, no new projects, new ideas, new routines, etc. I'm still lost without following something to do daily.

Being lost [daily]

Some days ago, or weeks to be honest, I started to accept the idea that I need a [actual] job, because: life, capitalism, experience, yadda yadda. This year's theme for me was "concretizar" (in English, "concretize", in the sense of "I needed to concretize what I wanted to do in my life"), and even not knowing exactly what I want to do, I know now that software and programming is one of the things I want to work with, so I need to find a job as a junior developer, hopefully. And if you aren't from this market or developer community in general, let's just say that finding a job after the layoffs in the end of the lockdown is not easy, apparently.

So now I need to actually prove that I know programming and web development at least. And I had a plan: "I will make that free C (a low level programming language) Harvard's course, and also other free courses that I can buy the certificate in the end. That will show that I don't know just a framework or language, but actual programming logic" - without counting the attempts of creating open-source projects to put in a portfolio. But then I entered up in the Harvard University site and... where the hell is that course? There are some tech-related courses, but none about programming itself anymore.

And I have to admit, because of this change, Mandela Effect, or whatever you want to call it, I completely loose what I wanted to do. I wanted to base each day on one lesson, but now there are any lessons, so what I do? There are YouTube videos about learning C, but most of them are hours long or minutes long, like, or you learn too little, or too much, y'know? And how the fuck will I know how to learn something that I don't know? And I already know programming logic, I want to learn the language itself.

With this all, I'm started, I'm still, lost. I have something in mind that "I want to learn more, and I want a job", but they are just thoughts, and I can resume everything or plan how to achieve them. I have an objective for my life, but now for today.

A silly attempt

Through this year, I had a theme, but having a theme for an entire year seems too much. Something that I somewhat learned this year is that a lot of things can happen in 3–4 months, plans and ideas can change, and predicted time on doing something can also. Not always you can follow your theme easily, and sometimes you need to focus on another part of your life.

I recognize now that to make a post about "themes" in the future, but the idea is best explained in this video by CGP Grey, it where I was introduced to and adopted the idea.

So now I want to break more, make a theme for every season, or more precise, every quarter of the year - which coincidentally also aligns to the industry's calendar apparently? I don't know or care to be honest - and this is something that I can also easily automate in my note-taking app, so every daily note has the theme listed to help me remember it. But it isn't enough to be honest, because it also is an objective or idea that is not related to my daily problems.

[Hey, this is] today's objective

Something that I noticed remembering now about the days that I was more productive is: the least I need to think on what to do today, the better I work. This is even one of the reasons that I choose Obsidian as my note-taking app, because I can have the longevity of plain markdown, with the automation provided by its plugin ecosystem, but I think that even with the automation that I already have, it isn't enough.

The way I worked was that, during Sunday, before each week started, I created a weekly note to plan each task to each day. And that workflow was great, but there were two main problems seeing now: I don't want to think about work during a weekend, planning what task to do is not the best; A lot of times I didn't list enough tasks in a project, and then there wasn't enough things to fill the week. There was also the problem of I don't being able to have a routine sometimes, but I feel like a lot of times it happened because the chain breaks when there's not enough things to fill the routine. So I need more things to easily list things to do daily, more importantly, be able to also change tasks when I need, because some days shits happen, and I can't do something specific.

In the end, I need to always have easily something to do that can push me away from procrastinating and pull me to the correct direction. How do I do all of that? I don't fucking know! But knowing what to do hopefully helps find how.

I'm still lost

To be honest, this entire post for me was all over the place, which is a good reflection on how my mind works a lot of the times. As you can see, I have a lot of things to fix just to return and be productive again, and probably I need to try even harder, because I'm still procrastinating a lot.

I can't tell a correct answer here, because productivity can depend on each person, and I don't know exactly how mine works. And the reality is that the "work smart, not hard" is not always correct, very often you need to work smart AND hard. But hopefully this can help myself, and maybe another person somehow, to be able to work on what I like and what I want to my future.

---

Today's artists & creative things

Song: Infinity Repeating (2013 Demo) - by Daft Punk - It is unfortunate that I just found about Daft Punk after they brook up, I'm pretty sure that I listened to them in the radio when I was little, but never actually searched about their music until the memes about them popped up around 2021. And this music, I don't know how to explain, but for me just remember me that you don't need to perfect something to it be great? Because how the fuck is this a demo.

---

Copyright (c) 2023-present Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello <contact.guz013@gmail.com>

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License

[purinfelix]

force of habit ♡₊˚•. - joao felix

pairing: joão félix x reader (established relationship) summary: joão has a nervous habit that comes out before games, but you're just the thing to calm his nerves warnings: none!, pure fluff w/c: 1.1k (did someone say over-writing?)

a/n: aaa first ever writing post !! wrote this because i noticed joão has a tendency to bite at his nails in a lot of clips (and also just because i never ever ever stop thinking about his hands. like ever) hope you guys like it !! <3

“João.” your voice was soft, but stern as you watched your boyfriend catch your eye in confusion. 

It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence at this point, and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t make you feel like a total hypocrite. You had an abundance of bad habits yourself. You picked at your skin when you were stressed, struggled with waking up early and could never seem to get out of leaving things until the absolute last minute. 

And somehow, being a pro football player didn’t stop your boyfriend from falling into the same trap. He got frustrated easily, would always forget to pick up after himself, and constantly ate your leftovers in the fridge no matter how often you told him not to. But one habit seemed to bother you the most: the way he would bite his nails. 

It wasn’t the act itself that bothered you really, lord knows your habits were far more irritating. Rather it was what it signified to you - that he was worried about something, bothered or annoyed at the situation at hand - that riled you up so much. And the fact he never seemed to notice he was doing it only made it worse. 

At first, when you two had first met and still fell into being smitten with one another, you hadn’t minded it. Mostly because you’d hardly noticed it, only noticing him do it occasionally. But it was only once you started dating, and seeing each other far more often, that its seriousness became apparent. 

You could give him a thousand reasons why he should stop doing it, but you knew he would hardly care, and if he did it wouldn’t be easy for him to stop doing something that seemed like second nature, which was why you made it your mission to help him.

Or try to. 

Which was what you were doing - the two of you standing across from each other in the narrow corridor leading to the locker room. The time until his next game ticked away slowly but you had yet to break your tradition of spending time together beforehand - João always insisting you were his ‘good luck charm’, as cheesy as it sounded. 

His eyes caught yours at the sound of his name, blinking cluelessly at first. Slowly though, he caught on, retreating his hands from his mouth and mumbling a quick “sorry” as he did. You sighed. 

“It’s alright, you’re that nervous for this match, hm?” you said, stepping a little closer and pocketing the phone you were holding so that you could take both his hands in yours. He nodded, breath hitching in his throat at your sudden closeness. Even though you were a couple now (officially, hard launched, announced to the public, however, you wanted to put it), he was yet to get used to your boldness when it came to things like physical affection. 

“I’ve got to prove myself today, you know?” His hands trembled slightly as you interlaced your fingers with his, giving them a soft squeeze in an attempt to steady them. 

“Don’t worry, you’ll do good as always.” You ran your thumb across the back of his hand, turning it around to get a look at his fingernails, “And remind me to file your nails when we get home.” you added, half-jokingly, half-seriously. 

He only laughed in response, but it was a weak one that signified the remnants of some last-minute nerves. His neck whipped around as he looked up and down the hallway, legs bouncing as he did, relentlessly. You were somewhat used to watching him like this, to the point you had come to find it endearing how he tried to convince everyone around him, and even himself, that he was fine - even if everything else made it obvious he wasn’t. Not like he was ever in the wrong in doing so though, as you watched the clock on the wall tick over to just less than half an hour before the match. You know being nervous only made him play worse, so you knew you’d have to come up with some way to calm him down, and do so fast. 

“You uhm-” you hesitated for a second before letting it out like a sight, “You look really good in your kit.” 

This seemed to catch him off guard, shown by his widened eyes and the soft blush spreading across his cheeks. He leant in a little closer, towering over you upon hearing it as if daring you to say it again. Slowly, a smirk braced his face, his hands now the ones gripping yours. 

“You really think so?” He was irritating when he was like this, all cocky and suave, but it was an irritating you couldn’t ever seem to get enough of. 

“Yes, though if you ask again I might just change my mind,” you muttered, avoiding his keen eye knowing it would be difficult to let him go to his game if you did. You only turned to look down the hallway, trying your best to conceal a smirk. He let out a low chuckle at this, before craning his neck around to get a look at the clock. 

“I should probably go,” he said, but he kept his hands firmly gripped on theirs, still shaking slightly. 

“You’ll do well, don’t stress.” you assured him, smiling, “I’ll meet you after the game okay?” 

He nodded definitively, “Kiss for good luck?” he added, barely above a whisper. Thought with his eyebrows raised, brown eyes so pleading, and the feeling of his hands on yours, it was impossible for you not to give in. 

Tiptoeing to close the gap between you two, you pressed your lips to his. Almost immediately you felt his hands weave out of your grip and come up to cup your face gently, pulling you in as if silently asking for more. And it took every ounce of strength not to give in to him right there and then. 

“João! Either get a room or come on!” 

It seemed like you didn’t have to. You cursed Gavi silently under your breath as you reluctantly broke away from the kiss. 

“We’ll finish this once the games are over if I win.” He said in a rushed whisper, hands moving to catch a strand of your hair which he twirled around his finger mindlessly. 

“Mhm, once you win,” you corrected him, smile teasing as ever. You were about to turn to head back to your seat, front row, of course, João couldn’t have it any other way, before you spun around once more. Grabbing your boyfriend’s much larger hands in yours you pressed a soft kiss to his knuckle, catching him off guard for the second time that night. 

“Play good, for me okay?” you mumbled against the skin of his hand. 

“Of course, always,” he assured, pulling you in to leave one last kiss on your forehead before jogging off towards the locker room. 

Although, not before turning around to get one last look at his favourite ‘good luck charm’, completely unaware that the tremble in his hands had gone completely. 

[bellaaldamas]

Transferring my replies here as well, in the right order:

That's definitely true about the gamebro and woke culture being two sides of the same bigoted coin. Somewhat similar to the "frat boy vs nice guy" culture in terms of perpetuating sexism on all ends. As far as characters like Angrboda go there's always the matter of pseudo-feminism (actually repackaged patriarchy as noted) and considering them less strong than the girlboss type. This happens systematically in other fandons as well (i.e Disney with the princesses who dare to not physically defeat the villains and Uncharted with Elena versus Chloe, both of whom are ultimately reduced to who is more "worthy" of being a love interest/prize for Nathan).

The "not like other girls" misogynistic stereotype - a precursor to "girlboss" trope - has been pervasive in the media long before the girlboss cliche itself became the go to woke points generating tactic for creators. Female leads who put down other women for having the audacity to have interests and enjoy activities said leads deemed "shallow"; or even lecture women who (the horror) were in their thirties and had the nerve to want to look good and be communicative and lively (I might or might not be looking at Daria Morgendorffer - a textbook example of glorified internalized misogyny) were not only hailed as feminist. But, in universe, were often completely blind to their own privileges and bigotry.

Then there were the fist and/or sword wielding, athletic female lead types who placed primary value on physical strength which came across as terribly ableist in many respects. That's when the writers started perpetuating a no less offensive "disability as a superpower" trope. That was to preserve the "not like other girls" types (supposedly "feminist" when actually not at all) while avoiding criticism and backlash for only treating physically/mentally able female characters as strong.

The end goal though was still fishing for woke points rather than writing well developed female leads. Then the girlboss trope became the new requirement for "feminist" storytelling when, in fact, in most cases those characters are thinly disguised patriarchal stereotypes and fetishist fantasies of "male feminists" like Wh*don and the likes of him. Thrud admittedly falls under that category and is a filler character which makes all the claims about Angrboda (whose presence in the story fundamentally changes and moves the plot each time she has a scene) supposedly being there "for woke points" utterly hypocritical. However, as you noted in one of your posts, Thrud still has the potential to become a deconstruction of the girlboss trope if she overcomes her toxic mindset (ironically, entirely influenced by the men in her life whom she couldn't even think and act independent of).

Gamebros and wokes encourage sexist, "not like other girls" stereotypes all the same, they just use different language for that (again, not unlike Alpha Males and Nice Guys).

Concerning anime female characters, most notable part of fandom's response to them is how misogynists appropriated young girls and women's interest in those characters because they felt threatened by it. Girls enjoy anime female leads because they can relate to them as anime girls are among the vanishingly few that still have self expression (emotional, romantic, intellectual, physical even if they ARE sword wielding and fit) and who are not created for woke points. Misogynists had to spin this characterization and reduce said characters just to their looks and sexual objects.

What's most challenging about Freya for both gamebros and wokes is that she was originally introduced as A) the Witch of the Woods vs your cliched formidable sword wielding Valkyrie type and B) not a perfect mother. Those were the sins both misogynists and progressives cannot forgive women for - and that is the prime example of how they are one and the same at their core.

The fact that GowR not only vindicated Freya but allowed her to not be defined by trauma nor turn into another "beautifully broken woman" stereotype only fueled their anger. Which, as I mentioned, meant nothing in the end because the developers still told the story they had planned out, never mind the trolls' entitlement.

I just wanted to say, thank you and the other fans from this part of the GoW fandom.

In a place full of trolls and gamerbros who turn characters that they deem annoying into irredeemable, useless bitches (Freya, Angrboða) and characters they do like are reduced to either prize for someone (Thrúd, Sif and somehow, Freya again) or into their masculinity idol (Kratos, whom they only accept as the testosterone caricature godkiller and his development seen as creators turning him soft. This claim is at it's peak with Ragnarok, but it was there back in 2018 such as wanting Kratos to beat or even kill Atreus for "acting like a brat". What a horrible mindset!) - It's nice to have a side with people who are welcoming, creative and genuinely fun to interact with.

Your analyses - both fandom and in-game inputs - are a delight to read. They're beautifuly written, intelligent and well formulared, I always feel smarter after reading them.

Apologies if you prefer to discuss this in DMs, I wanted others to read this too.

I wish you a wonderful rest of your day/night 💛

Thank you so much for this message, this kind of feedback truly makes existing in this - and, admittedly, other fandoms - worth it. Your summary of my ramblings genuinely took me by surprise as I haven't been "conventionally" active in the fandom intentionally due to negative past experiences with other fandoms. Those occasional inputs I do come up with are mainly hastily written bursts in broken English.

I don't make a secret out of the fact that in my experience all fandoms, definitely not just Gow(R), are toxic to varying degrees due to trolls employing the very same tactic everywhere they go. For one, it's creating the illusion of dominance of their opinion in terms of quantity (as they have no arguments to back up their stance other than canon twisting nonsense they clearly realize that "quality" is not their strong suit). To attain that, they resort to a number of other tactics typically used by abusers both online and in real life.

As such, whenever trolls see intelligent and thoughtful people refuting their "points" they know they cannot come up with a single canon compliant rebuttal. Therefore they dog-pile in droves as to wear down the opponent who inevitably has to stop responding to them at some point. Because a logical person who dedicates time and thought to formulate an argument, fact checks and brings up evidence and quotes from the source material simply cannot withstand a wave of unhinged trolling coming at them left, right and center. They certainly cannot respond to each ridiculous one line statement of the trolls (such as the types of statements you bring up, in the vein of "Freya is a b1tch, she should've DyEd instead of He**d*all!!11!!") by typing out a thorough and researched response each time. As it would require not just spending hours on it but repeating themselves numerous times over.

The above behavior from trolls is what caused me personally a burnout from the fandom culture overall and led to my taking a distance. When I engage with people in online communities I tend to avoid blanket statements and try to always back up my points with examples from canon. Trolls don't need any of that and always dismiss those points or, at best, make it look like they acknowledge them (by quoting back). But instead of replying with canon facts they resort to Strawman Arguments or Ad Hominem.

In Gow(R) and other gaming fandoms there's also the matter of the trolls looking for "backup" in the form of big bloggers/reviewers who express, in some respects, a view of the plot and characters similar to them. Which trolls use as another "proof" their opinion is supposedly held by the majority. But the uncomfortable - for them and those reviewers - truth is that YouTube community (a cesspool of trolling as of now) represents hardly even 1 percentage of the general audience (one that pays actual money for the games). Which at most passively watches some of those videos, mainly when they have a click baiting title.

A prime example is that "viral" video with millions of views about Atreus supposedly "having a crush on Thrud". Looking at the comment section it becomes obvious that the people leaving humorous and lighthearted remarks don't take the video or the title statement seriously. Whereas the actual trolls who consider Atreus a "selfish little runt" (c) but somehow good enough to be a prize/reward for Thrud (whom they either sexualize or treat as their girlboss self insert); and who deny that Atreus and Angrboda is the only canon budding romance arc in the series are the same four or five people/nicknames. Who can be observed under other Atreus/Angrboda videos with their nonsense.

Furthermore, trolls actively participated in making the "Atreus and Thrud" piece viral in the comment section for at least one Atreus/Angrboda tribute video by mentioning the AT video and the amount of views it has. And openly insisting it somehow "proves that the fans want" Atreus and Thrud as a romantic arc for Atreus - the very same character they consider unworthy of being a secondary protagonist let alone becoming the main lead of the series or having his own spin off. But, as noted, they believe him to be acceptable enough to become a trophy man for their preferred girlboss.

That in turn brings us to another issue of male characters absolutely also being susceptible to objectification and being reduced to love interests and plot devices for female characters whom fandom minority treats as a part of their personal power fantasy. Atreus hating trolls originally didn't even deny they hated Angrboda "by association" with Atreus - thus even they initially admitted she was intended as his potential romantic partner by the narrative - because women to them are just men's extensions/accessories. But when they realized this argument makes it very easy to dismiss them for the bitter misogynists that they are they changed the tactic (also classic troll pattern) and started to distort canon in order to invent "arguments" to justify not just their Atreus hating but also their Angrboda hating stance.

To "warm up" they originally started calling Angrboda a "woke points character" which I cannot stress enough is utterly laughable when coming from Atreus/Thrud shippers. Because if there is a woke points or fan-service character in GowR it would be Thrud and Heimdall, respectively. They're the only ones who could be either removed entirely (Thrud) or replaced/have their screentime reduced to one or two scenes and the story would've been exactly the same. Thrud's Valkyrie aspirations have no influence on the plot whatsoever and are a complete filler. I'm saying this not because I dislike either of them but because it's an objective fact that smashes troll arguments flat.

Then there is the matter of the trolls being unable to stand the fact that interactions with Angrboda is Atreus's healthiest and most positive relationship in the story. It especially challenged them that Angrboda always valued Atreus's personal choices and didn't once question him (even when she disagreed with his train of action), his moral character or his right to take his own independent decisions (on the contrary, Thrud questioned his every move and deemed him untrustworthy the moment he made one, genuine mistake with Garm - and the trolls deemed it admirable because "finally someone put that little runt in place"; they don't actually ship Atreus and Thrud, they ship their own aggression and disdain towards Atreus projected onto Thrud).

Angrboda let Atreus exercise his agency (another troll nightmare as they cannot stand the very idea of Atreus having any) even when his actions went directly against her mother's words about the giant marbles or against the prophesy itself. That is, despite Angrboda considering the prophesy which killed both of her parents her lifeline. And believing that delivering said prophesy and the giant souls to Loki was her one and only mission in the existence full of loneliness (years of not speaking to another person, per Angrboda's own admission). As well as full of hard labor she had to engage in daily at a strikingly young age (purely out of love and sense of responsibility for every living thing in Ironwood) because there was no one around to help her (Atreus understandably expressed astonishment and admiration at that which Angrboda appreciated but - which is no less important - pointed out they're the same age; implying that she knows and acknowledges Atreus/Loki has gone through a lot himself and fared well). Even Angrboda's grandmother broke due to challenges that only made Angrboda more caring and compassionate.

Which is another point worth addressing about fandom culture because it tends to put down gentle and vulnerable girls and women as "unfeminist". Modern "feminism" has little to do with woman empowerment or rights and is a repackaged patriarchy that praises women/female characters as strong and independent only when they take the aggressor and conqueror mantle from a man.

Kratos fell a victim of a similar thinking on part of both the gamebro AND the "progressive" segment of the fandom. I realize Tumblr is not ready yet for that conversation, but masculinity is not inherently toxic and neither is femininity. What both gamebros and woke types cannot handle is that Kratos's development and Angrboda's character represent the type of masculinity and femininity, respectively, that isn't imposed on them by the sexist society but that is based completely on their free will and life experience. Moreover, Thrud is the one who was heavily influenced by the toxic environment she grew up in. Therefore considering her a "feminist icon" is both factually wrong and unwise (even if we discount her "treacherous ex wife" comment in regards to Freya because that was ALSO a part of Odin's toxic influence that she can now, hopefully, work through and move on from).

But the most delightful part is that none of those troll views and arguments have proven to matter at all. GowR developers went on to do literally every single thing trolls dreaded. Freya was not made into a "big bad b!tch who deserved to be killed by Kratos for being a less than perfect mother" (even though not only was Kratos the furthest thing from the father of the year in Gow18 but as you note, the very same people wouldn't object to physical violence against Atreus at his hands). Kratos continued to work towards healthier existence and carving a better path. Angrboda remained an emotionally mature, loving, caring and independent person with a potential of her relationship with Atreus going further in the following installments. Atreus is clearly set up to have his own spin off or remain a secondary protagonist or even become the main protagonist next game. That in and of itself is a prime example of how irrelevant trolls and their entitled demands are in the grand scheme of things.

That being said, as I always point out, we should keep in mind we cannot control media we consume, only our experience with it. A healthy emotional distance from it is the only way to avoid stress if/when the writers come up with decisions we might not like or find offensive. Mental well being should be our priority and media created by others should never define us.

Thank you again for this positive and inspiring message. Have a great and fulfilling time yourself <3

[mdhwrites]

Since you mentioned it in a recent post, what do you think about TOH having a sympathetic main cast of mostly conventionally beautiful, humanoid characters while still preaching about how 'weirdos have to stick together'? Do you think there's some hypocrisy in how the show handles its less 'cute' characters?

I do think it's hypocritical and that in and of itself is a problem. It's also just really fucking boring and contributes to the problem of it feeding into the fantasy problem of "Our world but with more teeth."

So since I'm going to rip into this creative choice for the rest of this blog, let's first talk about the positives of having a cast that is effectively all humans, especially all good looking ones, instead of demons, monsters, etc. After all, we need to be fair. There's a lot that goes behind these choices and while the Isles has a lot of bizarre designs in the backgrounds, there had to be a point to all of the denizens we commonly interact with looking like generic elves. *flips through notes* *checks some papers* *flips through more notes* It makes fanart easy.

...OKAY FINE! That's only SOMEWHAT hyperbolic. The reason it makes fanart easier is also why it's really easy to just go with a cast of humans. We as a SPECIES inherently trust and connect better with those who look like ourselves, for better and mostly worse. This can be as specific as skin color and as abstract as simply the human form. Yes, for people like me who are proud monster fuckers, this line blurs but for common Joe Shmoe, they're going to want someone who looks fairly normal if they're going to get really invested.

Worse yet is if you look at modern cartoons. Bare minimum, Molly McGee and Amphibia. Yes, SOME people in those fandoms will draw the frogs and Scratch... But they ALL draw the trios of human characters. And yes, shipping matters here but I've also seen a good number of Amphibia artists just admit to spending way too much figuring out how to draw Sprig because the anatomy is wonky enough to make you question yourself. If they're all humans, you can still get by just fine with your normal style and lessons that most art books are going to teach you.

This isn't even untrue from a writing perspective. Just a cultural shift (and yes I'm calling myself out on this) can be enough to throw you WAY out of your comfort zone for how to write a character besides token elements like food. Throw in entirely different anatomy, skill sets inherent to biology, weaknesses similarly inherent to that biology, and you start to have a lot more questions you need to ask for a very basic level understanding of a character. Which seems like a good transition point to talking about the monstrous denizens of TOH. Specifically that there is ONE 'monster' in The Owl House main cast and that is King.

...

Can you tell me what the fuck is special about King? Besides being short and fluffy, his differing anatomy effectively NEVER comes into play. His magical blasts are practically replicated by Raine whistling. Make him an 8 year old elf child and the only thing you lose is his ancestry. Not his heritage, his ANCESTRY. That's pretty fucking weak.

Edit: Someone on Twitter pointed out to me that King's design is effectively just a furred Cubone and I hate knowing this.

Otherwise, the only inhumane thing about him is that they make him a dog. Which, you know... isn't exactly going very far down on the spectrum of likability for most people. In fact, this technique isn't anywhere near new. Toothless is just a giant cat and I love him for it but I wouldn't blame anyone who looked at the How to Train Your Dragon Dragons and went "I wish they acted like dragons." Because... They don't? They have the designs and move sets of dragons but most of their temperament is far more cat like, down to having dragon nip and being distracted by reflected light.

King is also the only foreground deviation for the protagonists. As I said when I first mentioned this, you can't even really go with Willow being heavier set. She is pretty much the textbook definition of "More to love" seeing as her being slightly heavier just gives her a softer design than the rest of the characters instead of being anywhere close to unappealing like one of Mabel's friends in Gravity Falls is. You're supposed to look at Willow and go "I bet she gives really good hugs" and that's about it. Her weight, much like her ethnicity frankly, is hardly what you're supposed to think about with her design besides basic contrast.

And she's still better than the rest of the cast who are models. Including Luz for that matter. Now the show's style doesn't lend itself well to distinguishing how pretty a character is besides their reactions from a different character... But it can also absolutely do ugly. And no one in this main cast is ugly. You want a NASTY scar, you're gonna have to look elsewhere than the tatted up teenage boy and the girl who has a little flair on one of her eyebrows. One is meant to look cool, the other is still the same job while also being slight enough not to embellish the main face too much.

Amity and Eda though are explicitly in text stated as REALLY PRETTY. Like model pretty from how people react to them. Yes, one of these people is Luz's girlfriend but literally any acknowledgement of her looks is more than Gus, Willow or any of the villains (especially positively) are given. Not even Odalia who is the best case against this argument. But, you know, those are Amity's genes running through Odalia. She's not gonna be ugly because then how are all of the Blight Children ready for a Vogue cover shoot?

And here's the thing: In most media, this isn't really a problem. People like attractive people and there's nothing wrong with that. I know people want more representation and they are right to want that but also most media is a fantasy of some sort. Especially for a basic wish fulfillment isekai like TOH, a really pretty harem is packaged explicitly into the fantasy because who doesn't want hot magical beings saying they're the best?

Except then there's the line of "Us Weirdos Gotta Stick Together," or the fact that Luz is stated to be bullied (but didn't actually look out of place amongst the cheerleaders or drama kids), or the fact that TOH theoretically peddled early on a Fantasy vs. Reality theme. It is a show that is meant to CELEBRATE the Other and be challenging to those who are commonly seen as better... But the Other isn't present. When they are... They're villains. Belos is the only character with a curse that doesn't make them pretty. It's really gruesome what the curse does to him, even before he becomes a full monster. Contrast that with Eda who sprouts feathers and that's really it? Then you have Tibbles, who is a literal pig, the evil publisher who is a lizard, the monster hunters who are orcs effectively, Warden Wrath who is a homunculus? There isn't actually a clear inspiration directly for him besides 'monster' which is part of why he's one of the best one off villains of the series. The closest to a protagonist monster is Hooty which the series goes out of its way to make most people mock, outright hate and/or be actively repulsed by him, especially if it's a character we're supposed to care about.

When it comes to the villains, there are two who stand out as prettier than the rest and they both have direct connections to the main cast. In fact, to Amity. Odalia who I talked about earlier and Boscha. I guess Matt if you want to count him but as far as looking like a basic ass bitch goes, you don't get much more basic than Matt without bleaching his skin. Boscha on the other hand's prettiness is pretty much the best argument we had before she was given a half assed redemption that she was going to be redeemed. Why else make her so much prettier than everyone else? Unless it was just fueled by "She is going to be next to Amity a few times and a Blight wouldn't interact with anyone too... alternative." None of Amity's friends are more monstrous than a third eye after all and that doesn't really hold Boscha back all that much. Frankly, it probably saved her from large forehead jokes akin to what Amity gets since they both have hairstyles that pull their hair back and that's a problem for the show's style.

What does all of this mean? Well, it means in a show that is trying to lift up those who feel like they don't belong, it's still reinforcing standard beauty ideals of society. Worse yet, it just kind of discredits that Luz meets ANY outcast. I wouldn't have called my friends in High School ugly of course but were any of us ready for the runway? Of course not. We didn't take care of ourselves right for that or just didn't have the right genes for it.

Because let's face it: The eyeball head girl was NEVER going to be a main character. And that's... also really boring. The fact that witches are just elves but without any of the culture, long lifespans (as far as we know) etc. like that is also just really boring. And for a fantasy show, especially one that pitches in the first episode that ANY folk tale we have originated here, that's not good. Especially since even if they look like elves, you could have still at least TRIED to make them interesting with things like the bile sac but that's a throwaway joke to the writers. And the saddest thing is... If you're a person who LIKES weird characters, or actually embraces their weirdness and so doesn't need to be told they'll have a Victoria Secrets model as a wife... What is TOH gonna do for you? Or for anyone who doesn't want designs that are less interesting and less unique than even Danny Phantom's. And that's from fucking Butch Hartman who is not exactly known for being a top tier artist. Like SAM as a goth is more alternative (especially for when the show first aired) than fucking ANYONE in the main cast of TOH. And that show debuted ALMOST TWENTY YEARS AGO. And Valerie even had a similar bodytype to Willow but with WAY more personality!

Now I'm just thinking about all the shows I grew up with like Total Drama Island that had so much fun with even their pretty boy designs. That's frankly my biggest issue. The pretty problem in TOH IS bad thematically. Above all else though... it's just boring. Boring and lazy. How these characters look don't mean ANYTHING to them. It doesn't say much about them, the show or anything else.

They're pretty just because the creator probably likes making pretty people and I can usually support. I support Yoko Taro after all. But Yoko Taro makes people (or androids which are based off humans). This is fantasy. You can do whatever you want and the TOH crew couldn't be assed enough to even do a demon.

In a world called the DEMON REALM! I think at that point, you need to ask why the fuck they're bothering with it being a fantasy show in the first place, let alone one trying to pitch itself as anything other than basic wish fulfillment.

=======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[minu-moni]

I understand that comship would ultimately mean that the ship is complicated by some standards, while proship is “don’t harass people for fictional stuff”, but it feels ultimately pointless to me when people are gonna end up roping it with proship anyway.

I admit I didn’t get that much involved when the term was created, but I remember plenty of antis calling people who used this term “proship rebranded” and, more often than not, posts that get tagged as comship are easily talking about proship, not about a specific complicated ship. At least in my experience, I see more “comship” tagged posts talking about something that is proshipping in nature, and less often a post about a ship that could be seen as complicated.

Proship is about ship and let ship, and comship essentially shares the same ideals, which makes it feel pointless to me personally. If you’re proship, you’re going to respect people who like “complicated ships”, but people who are “comshippers” but act like antis (harassment, doxxing, etc) towards other people like you said are just hypocrites. How can you like something you know is complicated by moral standards and then bully others? They’re antis with somewhat of a proship idea on their heads but either don’t accept that or are scared of backlash from their anti mutuals (or they really are just hypocrites lmao there’s always that option). They know that their ship is problematic, but outright refuse to call themselves proshippers (at least some of them).

At the end it just feels like a watered down version of “proship” to me, because the word in itself is a loophole. What is considered “complicated”? Some people say it’s incest, others say it’s an age gap of two years, a couple in which one of the parts cheated on the other, childhood friends to lovers, a divorced couple getting back together, etc. It boils down to people using the word as a way of saying they like something that can be viewed as problematic but “Nooo I’d never be a proshipper! That’s incredulous!! How dare you assume that I’d be one of those disgusting freaks and degenerates just because I have a ship that’s complicated? My ship is just complicated 😇”, you get what I feel?

It’s like they believe proshipper ideals but don’t wanna be called one, which just feels disingenuous and immature, especially if antis are gonna treat them just as bad as proshippers anyway. (Or they’re just hypocrites, which isn’t new when it comes to antis, pretty much all of them are).

Of course that’s not a universal rule, but it’s the impression it’s left on me and a lot of other proshippers: a way for people to like problematic things without getting roped with the “nasty proshippers” (which didn’t work btw), so I’m sure you can see why people wouldn’t be too fond of the term.

If you wanna use it though, by all means, go ahead! I’m not the tag police, I’m just some random person online lmao. This is just my personal view of the word.

Reminder that a “proship ship” is not a thing. Proshipping is about letting people ship whatever they want, it’s about being against harassment and censorship. It has NOTHING to do with a ship being problematic or not.

“X is a proship ship” you’re just showing how illiterate you are when talking like that. Stop. Go back to language class.

[plaid-shirtsandvibranium-arms]

Nemesis: Retribution (5)

Summary: 10 years after the Avengers had left you for dead during a mission gone wrong, you unexpectedly re-enter their lives. Wholly unrecognizable from the person they used to know and now with a new team behind you, they ask for your help to stop a chain of syndicates who were manufacturing and peddling the super soldier serum. You were determined to say no until the chance at the vengeance you had been chasing for years was added to the offer.

Fandoms: Avengers, Marvel, MCU, The Punisher, Daredevil

Pairings: Female Reader x (Frank Castle, Billy Russo, Matt Murdock, Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Pietro Maximoff)

Warnings: EXPLICIT SMUT. SHAMELESS SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR (18+ ONLY. I WILL BLOCK YOU), human rights violations, polyamorous relationships, reverse harem, blatant disregard for canon timelines and events, angst, Punisher canon level of violence and gore, strong language, mentions of trauma, mentions of character death, fluff if you squint,

A/N: Okay okay. I’m finally happy with how this turned out. Goddamn that’s a lot of words. I’ll see you all in the party in the comments and reblogs! I love reading what you think. Don’t be shy. Jump in!

No permission is granted to repost, steal, or translate my work. Not even a credit makes it okay. Tumblr is the only place I post my writing. If you see it anywhere else please report it.

[gif not mine. credit to: this glorious gif post.]

Series Masterlist | Full Masterlist

1:5 Lemons

2 missions.

A 50/50 chance of getting Salvacion.

Your heart was pounding in your chest and you were on the verge of getting lightheaded from the anticipation. A decade of chasing this bastard and this was the closest you had ever gotten to him. The man was not only deadly in skill, but always seemed to manage to give you the slip every single time. Forcing yourself to face the life you left was worth it if it meant finally avenging Lily.

The briefings the past week had been long, but they were important to make sure everyone was prepared to end this. You were minutes away now from shipping off to the mission and your whole body was buzzing.

This was it.

There were two locations that you had to hit at the same time. Two locations with large shipments that you had to stop from reaching its destination. The teams needed to be split.

"Let's go over this one more time," Steve started, fully suited up in black that was truly a far cry from his old blue and red ensemble. "I'll be leading a team into the shipment yards with Bucky and Nem at the front. Sam will be on air support. Billy will manage a team of snipers in the surrounding area."

This was the smaller of locations, but with the larger shipment. The location itself entailed a more strategic approach. You weren't happy that there was a chance that Salvacion would be at the other location, but having Frank on that team put you somewhat at ease. He understood more than anyone how important this was to you and he promised he would take Salvacion alive. He was yours to kill.

Frank always kept his promises.

"I'll be leading the other team into the industrial district," Frank continued, his signature vest strapped tight across his chest. "Pietro and Matt will cover the perimeter and I'll be charging in with Nat and Wanda."

Their location was more complicated. It was too close to the residential district and the warehouses there ran 24/7. There was a high risk of civilian casualty if they weren't careful which was why almost everyone who was powered was assigned to that group. They needed every capability they could pull to make sure no innocent blood was spilled.

"Good," Steve nodded. "We'll both have a group of agents with us too. They've been briefed and are prepping transport as we speak. We leave in 20 minutes."

Everyone nodded their understanding, grabbing their gear and heading down to the transport docks. There was a fleet of cars standing by that would be used, gassed up and ready to go. Your hands were drumming repeatedly on your vest, itching to just get on the road. Frank and Matt lingered with you before they joined the rest of their group.

The towering marine stepped up close to you and tightened the buckles of your bulletproof vest, wishing you would have accepted the offer of better gear from the Avengers but also knowing it was hypocritical of him when he declined as well.

It just wasn't your style.

It was his own damn fault for training you in his own combat style. He had no doubt of your capability, but still he worried about you. He always worried about you and he felt a sense of responsibility toward you after finding you tortured within an inch of your life.

"Stay close to Steve, sweetheart."

You snorted, but a glance back at Steve who was already looking at you with a raised eyebrow made you grumble and relent. "Fine."

"Good girl," Frank chuckled, before leaning in to press a firm kiss on your lips as he held you by the buckles of your vest. You smiled into the kiss, feeling the steady protection and reassurance that he always brings.

He stepped away for Matt to get his turn. This was a tradition that just developed naturally between the four of you. A kiss before danger. A promise to keep safe. A promise to come home.

Matt took your face in both hands and kissed the breath out of you as if he was trying to outdo Frank. It wasn't uncommon. He was always more aggressive with his affections, always as if he was scared you might suddenly slip away from his life and you were happy to reassure him every time that you weren't going anywhere. He chuckled when you bit his lip, beating him to it. He gave you one more peck before stepping aside.

Billy came closer to your side and slung his arm around your shoulders, chuckling as he nuzzled his nose against the side of your face. It was amusing him to no end at how easily you were folding for Steve. It was a nice change of pace from the three of them never being able to deny you anything.

Most especially Billy.

"We're definitely keeping Steve around. I think I like you compliant," he snickered, turning your head toward him with a finger under your chin. He planted a quick chaste peck on your lips. Your eyebrows quirked at the unusual behavior.

"What you're not gonna try to outdo me too?" Frank teased.

"Nem knows I do my best kissing elsewhere. Don't you, pretty girl?" Billy winked at you and you rolled your eyes. You smacked him in the chest but didn’t comment further. He wasn't wrong, but he was smug enough as it is.

You were about to turn toward the cars when you were knocked back slightly to the side by a sudden peck to your cheek. You couldn't stop the laugh when you caught Pietro's grin before he vanished again, a subtle warmth spreading in your chest. You were still smiling when you took your seat beside Steve who intertwined your hand with his and raised it to his lips, smiling that soft boyish smile against your skin that now made your stomach flip. He didn't let go of your hand throughout the ride, even as he caught Bucky's yearning gaze in the rearview mirror.

You were greeted by an ambush.

Somehow the syndicates knew that you would be coming, setting up a small army as your welcome party. A quick distress call through the comms from Frank confirmed that they were facing the same in their location.

But you couldn't focus on that.

You were too busy tearing through the goons that kept coming at you. Having two super soldiers and Sam in the thick of it with you was a blessing, but even with the other agents and Billy's sniper support you were severely overrun. You would just have to trust that the other team can handle their own.

You emptied the clips of your pistols as you trudged your way deeper into the fray, not bothering to duck or take cover from the onslaught of angry men. You tossed your empty guns to the side and drew out another, catching a few bullets in your vest.

No time to reload.

"I got you, Hedwig. Give 'em hell," Billy said in your ear.

The deadly smirk on your lips was the only warning the men in front of you got. You charged again as the adrenaline coursed through your body, bullets flying precisely into their skulls.

One. Two. Three. Four men down.

When your bullets ran out, you dropped the gun and pulled out two daggers. Your eyes narrowed as you took off into a sprint toward the closest target, weaving effortlessly through the oncoming fire.

A slice to the forearm to disarm.

A dagger up the chin.

Dead.

He dropped to the ground spluttering on his blood as you took the other dagger and sent it flying toward another's chest.

Dead.

Rough muscular arms caught you by surprise and gripped you from behind, caging you as you struggled. You saw the gun in his hand and reacted.

Break the wrist to disarm.

You smirked at the loud pop of his bones. You grabbed the gun before it dropped to the ground as you slipped a knife from your vest. The pain in his wrist caused him to loosen his hold on you, allowing you to turn to face him.

Blade to the gut.

Bullet to the face. Point blank.

Dead.

You didn't even flinch when his blood splattered across your face, joining the explosion of red already painting your figure. You could make out two more in your peripheral who dropped to the ground before they could advance on you, care of your guardian angel with a sniper rifle.

"Thank you, Blackbird," you said sweetly.

"Goddamn, doll," Bucky said, Steve stood beside him mirroring the same look of equal awe and fear.

This was the first time they had seen you in action. Hearsay and that little demo with Kim did nothing to prepare them for the sheer brutality you had when given the clear purpose to kill. You didn't hesitate. You didn't waste time. You didn't care that you were drenched in blood. You had a goal and you were going to meet it every time with ruthless violence.

This was who you were now.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" Steve came up to you looking worried after seeing you charging headlong at open gunfire.

He didn't like it. At least he had a shield. Skilled as you were, he didn't like that you were running every mission like you had a death wish. There was so much blood on you that it was difficult for him to tell if any of it was yours.

"None of the blood is mine," you dismissed, wiping your face with what was the only clean part of your sleeve. "Let's go. I hear more up ahead and Sam said that's where the shipment is."

Rounding the corner, you were faced with another cluster of goons with weapons aimed at your small group. They stood a good distance away in front of two shipping containers that were being readied for transport. Sam landed beside you along with a group of agents. Bucky pushed you behind him and Steve raised his shield to cover you both. Billy chirped in the comms that the snipers had repositioned and were ready. All of that barely registered with you, white noise against the rage that was brewing, because behind enemy lines was the goal you've been chasing for a decade.

Salvacion.

"I have to say," he drawled. His voice, the first you're hearing of now, sending a chill down your spine. "I expected more from the Avengers. You didn't even bring Iron Man. I'm disappointed."

"Give up the serum," Steve growled.

"No. I don't think I will," he answered. "Kill them all."

All hell broke loose once more; fists, bullets, knives, and a shield flying in every direction. Bucky and Steve kept close to you, shielding you from most of the shots as you advanced. You gunned down every bastard you saw but your eyes never strayed from Salvacion who was just standing there watching the clash.

Taunting you.

Something nagged at the back of your head as you fought. It was unusual for the syndicates to be deploying this many people to a single location even if it was for the serum. While you were thanking every god you knew for luckily drawing Salvacion on this mission, his presence was also peculiar. Something else was going on.

Something else was here.

The syndicates were pushing back on your team hard, but you were making a dent in their numbers. When you saw Salvacion start walking away, that was when you felt the panic stir in your mind.

"I can't let him get away, Steve!"

You ignored his and Bucky's calls for you as you made a mad dash straight through the fight, efficiently shooting and stabbing anyone who dared get in your path. You were consumed with the purpose of reaching him, of finally being able to end it all.

You left the larger fight behind you in favor of this more personal one, the noise receding as you chased him farther. You caught a glimpse of him making his way up stacked containers and you sped up your run. You didn't even think twice about climbing the height. Nevermind potential broken bones. Nevermind getting cornered. Nevermind that you had no backup.

Salvacion would die today.

When you reached the top, you were surprised to see him standing there waiting for you but also that he wasn't alone. You raised your gun to match the one he was aiming at you, but he merely tutted and smirked. His other hand also had a gun, this one aimed up the chin of the person he was holding captive in front of him.

Kim.

The amount of irritation this woman was bringing into your life was starting to get on your nerves. She was delegated on your team for this mission and you stifled the aggravated groan as you noticed that she was bleeding heavily from both shoulders causing her to not be able to fight back.

Top agent my ass.

"Hello, Nemesis," Salvacion grinned at you. "Or should I call you Y/N? Much more personal given our history, don't you think?"

Your name on his lips caused a wave of nausea and a sneer to grace your lips. You raised your gun higher, narrowing your eyes as his own pressed harder against Kim's skin. It wasn't an idle threat.

"Nice of you to show up for once. Was beginning to think you were avoiding me."

"Come now. Don't you enjoy our little game of cat and mouse?"

A game.

This was all a game to him and the malevolent smile on his face confirmed that. The fury in you burned, almost making you physically shake. Killing Lily was nothing to him while it had completely consumed your life. It had become your driving force while to him you were merely entertainment.

"You're going to let me go," he declared, fully confident.

"Is that so?"

"Yes," he dragged out. "Or else your teammate here will die."

"What makes you think I give a shit?" you scoffed. "Go ahead."

The way Kim's eyes widened in terror brought a sick sense of pleasure in you that you shouldn't be proud of. Salvacion let out a low laugh, amusement clear in his tone.

"Oh, dear child. No matter how much spite you wrap yourself with, you are the same naive hero wannabe you always were," he snickered. "Self-sacrificing. Even at the expense of your sister."

"You don't talk about Lily, you bastard!" you screamed, your grip shaking slightly on your weapon.

All of a sudden it was hard to breathe and your heartbeat was hammering in your ears. You didn't expect that finally facing him, hearing him talk about Lily like she was inconsequential, would shake you to your core. This was what you have been waiting for. This was what you have been building up to for the past decade. This was your purpose for living.

What were you waiting for?

"I am feeling generous today. Consider it my gift to commemorate our first official meeting," he said.

"What the fuck are you on?" you growled.

"Open the containers," he smiled. "See you soon, Y/N."

He abruptly tossed Kim to the side, pushing her off the ledge of the containers you were on and bolted away with a mad cackle. You shot at his retreating figure, desperately trying to aim through the turbulent emotions he inspired in you. You were going to chase after him when a yelp of pain caught your attention.

Kim was hanging by one hand off the edge, obviously struggling to hold herself up with her busted shoulders. You were too high up for her to survive the fall and she was too injured to help herself. Her grip was slipping.

"Y/N! Help me please!"

A dark shadow passed through your features. Saving her would mean Salvacion would definitely escape. Again. You didn't know if you would ever get another chance at him or when that would be.

You didn't like this woman. You never did. She tormented your youth, took joy in it even and as you reunited nothing changed. She was the same egotistic bully she always was. This was a dangerous mission. People die in the line of fire.

It happens. No one would blame you.

"Please!"

"Fuck!"

You dropped your weapon and clasped both hands on hers to pull her up. You strained with the effort, Kim being a deadweight adding to the struggle. You let go when half her body was safely on top, her legs swinging up to roll herself flat onto the surface. She was crying and whimpering from the fear and pain. You couldn't help the anger that bubbled to the surface.

You slapped her face.

"Get your goddamn shit together," you roared at her. "I don't have time for this. Call for evac, princess."

You ran toward the sound of helicopter blades, jumping onto crates and jolting your bones at the impact. You didn't care. The renewed rage had steadied you, calmed you almost to the point that the only thing you could see in your mind was taking him out. You had faltered and you would beat yourself up about that later, but you couldn't let him slip away again.

The helicopter was already starting to take off, Salvacion clearly visible through the open door. You cocked your gun and fired away. Empty. You slipped another gun out and fired. Empty. You kept running toward him, drawing and firing every last bullet you had as you screamed your frustration with every shot that missed.

You noticed that you managed to get a few through him by the way his body jerked. You were feeling optimistic until he reached around and pulled out a rocket launcher. You saw the sinister grin before he fired.

"Nem!" You heard your name being called, but you were too stunned by the horrible realization that you had failed today. You watched the helicopter slowly make it's way farther and farther behind the rocket that was hurtling toward you.

Even if you ran, the area of impact would still tear right through you. You were frozen in place, unable to process that this was how it would end. That it would end in you dying by his hand as well. That it would end without you making it up to Lily.

Your internal struggle was interrupted by a large body completely engulfing yours. The impact of the rocket threw you both to the ground and the loud explosion accompanied by ripping metal deafened your ears.

You struggled with your vision, the ringing in your head was painful and your body sore from crashing down. Oddly, your skull itself didn't feel injured. All of the pain seemed to be concentrated on your torso. You blinked a few times to focus the blur of your eyes as the repeated chanting of your name became louder.

"Are you okay, doll? Answer me, Nem! Come on."

"Bucky?"

Your sight finally focused to find that it was the brunette super soldier on top of you, covering you from what would have certainly been your death. The dread on his face gave way to a tired relief at you finally responding.

He pressed his forehead to yours and closed his eyes, taking deep steadying breaths. You noticed now that he was wincing and that his flesh arm was underneath you, supporting your back and cradling your head. His metal arm was detached, a mangled mess of forcibly severed wires and metal plates sticking out from his shoulder. Your eyes widened in realization.

"Bucky, your arm," you started to struggle underneath him, knowing he must be in a world of pain.

He shushed you by rubbing the tip of his nose against yours. Your eyes met icy blue ones and you saw him smile weakly, as if telling you it was worth it. He wouldn't hesitate to catch a missile with his arm again if it meant protecting you.

The rest of the boys reached you shortly after, Sam took Bucky and informed you that evac and medics were here. You were still in shock from what just happened. Billy took you gingerly in his arms, endlessly fussing at you and apologizing for not being able to do more even if you understood it was impossible for him to have tracked you through the chaos. Steve stood to the side, obviously furious at himself for not going to you even if you understood it was only right that he led the main fight.

Your body felt like it had gone through a war and you were too emotionally distressed to address anything else. You felt defeated. You felt at a loss. You failed Lily again today. Suddenly, you remembered what he told you.

His gift.

"Steve, Salvacion told me to open the shipments. He said it was a gift from him."

You didn't wait for them to respond, dragging your battered body limping across the yard to the crates. Billy recovered first, quickly jogging up to support your battered body straight with his. Steve followed closely behind, the uneasiness clouding the three of you. The locks were easily broken by Steve's shield and soon your gift was revealed.

What you saw drained the blood from all of you and caused your skin to immediately chill. It was the most sickening thing any of you have ever seen in your lives and that was saying something. How anyone could do this was beyond comprehension.

People. Dozens of people.

Crammed inside the steel box were dozens of people in various states of distress. All of them had barely any life left in them, barely sustained by the various IV bags hooked on their bodies. They hardly reacted when the doors were opened, too spent by what they had been made to go through to even blink. You suspected that a good portion of those who were not moving at all were dead. The smell was horrendous and this was coming from people who were about to be shipped to god knows where.

The horror you felt heightened to epic levels when you noticed that some of the drip bags held a different colored fluid, the distinct color of the super soldier serum. Then it clicked and the nausea finally overcame you. You poured your guts out onto the pavement, your stomach heaving violently as the truth made your vision spin.

Human testing.

Human experimentation.

And you had let the bastard escape.

Steve was going to approach you, clueless as he was on how to help you at that moment, but you had scrambled out of reach and ran out of the shipment yard. He called after you readying himself to go to you, but Billy's grip on his forearm stilled him.

"We're not who she needs right now, Cap," Billy shook his head. "Right now these people need us more."

"Where's she going?" Steve asked, swallowing hard on the lump in his throat and reluctantly agreeing.

"She'll be fine. Matt will find her."

Matt found you hours later. He had returned badly beaten and bruised from their own mission, but upon receiving word from Billy he pushed aside every painful injury he felt and rushed to where he knew he would find you. His chest tightened when he was told what you had seen. It was bad enough that you were carrying the guilt of your sister's death, but now you had the weight of all the lives that were victimized by these sick people too. It was too much for one person to bear.

He found you in the confession booth of the church on the corner of a quiet street and he couldn't see the broken look on your face when he opened the door, but he could feel it. He heard it in your unusually slow heartbeat, as if your organs were trying to give up. He heard it in the shallow breaths you took, as if the act of living was a betrayal in itself. He heard it in the cry that was begging to break through you throat. He could almost taste your despair.

He slowly knelt in front of you and pulled you urgently into his arms, squeezing himself into the tight space. He held you against him, clutching you tight and rocking you gently back and forth. This was an open secret shared between the two of you. When the darkness was overwhelming, you turned to each other and confessed. He pulled away after a long moment, cradling your face firmly in his palms. His thumbs brushed against your dry cheeks. Of course you hadn't been crying.

There were no more left to shed.

"Talk to me," he muttered, pressing his lips softly against yours.

"He experimented on a lot of people," you muttered. "And I let him go, Matty. I've been letting him carry on for ten years."

Your tone was almost a hoarse whisper, devoid of much emotion apart from a cold defeat. This worried him, but at least you were talking. You had known when you were being tortured that they Hydra hadn't perfected the serum. They kept torturing you in the hopes that they could get you to reveal anything about the formula, Steve and Bucky's abilities, or where samples of their blood were stored. You didn't talk.

Maybe you should have talked.

When the syndicates got their hands on the incomplete formula, they were faced with the same problem. A problem they apparently decided to solve by trial and error on actual people. You knew this. At the back of your mind you knew this, but it didn't register until you saw it for yourself tonight. Somehow you had ignored that fact because you had only been focused on your own grief.

"I let him go. I did this, Matty," you breathed, the guilt clear in your voice.

"No! You did not let him go. The bastard got away," he insisted. "And this is not your fault. I won’t let you think that this is your fault."

"No," you argued weakly. "I let him go. I had a shot at stopping him tonight and I didn't take it."

"Steve told me. You stopped to save Kim." The movement of his thumbs on your cheeks changed to soothing circles. "You stopped to save a teammate. That was a good thing."

You scoffed. "I wanted her to die."

"What?"

"For a solid moment as she was hanging on for her life, I wanted to let her die."

"She's alive now because of you, Nem. You fought it. You're strong. You didn't give into it."

"But what if that's what I need to do? If I did I could have ended Salvacion tonight."

You could have ended it all tonight.

Salvacion's words tonight plagued you. if you didn't try to play the hero then this whole twisted operation could have been stopped. If you didn't try to play the hero then you would have gotten your revenge for Lily. If you didn't play the hero then Lily wouldn't even be dead. You had wanted to save people so much, make a difference in the world, that you didn't stop and think about how that would impact the people you held most dear.

"You don't honestly believe that, do you?" Matt asked cautiously, he knew more than anyone the struggle you faced. All of you were just a bad day away from completely snapping.

"I don't know," you admitted in defeat. You sounded so tired and confused that it broke his heart.

He held you for a moment more, waiting for your heart and breathing to return to normal. He didn't know what else to do or what else to tell you. He didn't know how to help you this time. Just then, he sensed the arrival of a Maximoff twin.

"Pietro's outside. I'll ask him to take you away for a while," he shook his head when he felt you were about to protest. "You need a break and you need some peace."

He led you outside, his pace slower than normal as your shoulders slumped lower to the ground in resignation. He exchanged a few words with Pietro before he pressed a kiss to your temple and pushed you toward the other man.

"Come with me, little star. I'll take care of you."

The next thing you knew, Pietro had lifted you into his arms and asked you to close your eyes. You buried your face into his neck as you felt the world around you dissolve in a blur, your hair whipped around but you weren't scared. The steady grip he had on you assured you that you would be safe. When he told you to open your eyes, you had no idea where you were or how long you had been traveling.

"Where are we?"

He gently set you on your feet as you looked around the area. It was beautiful. A dense lush forest that opened up to a lake with a small cabin. Isolated. Quiet.

Peaceful.

Immediately you felt your body relax in the new environment. It was so far removed from anything and everything that it allowed you to let go of the tight hold you had on your life. It allowed you to let go of the rage for a moment.

"Sokovia," he answered. "This is mine. When Wanda and I were little, even before the enhancements, our connection was strong and can be overwhelming. I needed a place that was only my own."

"Wanda doesn't know about this?"

"No, it is the only secret I have ever kept from her. I've never brought anyone else here."

Turning to him, you could see the shy smile on his face. There was a reluctance there, as if he was nervous that his little hideaway would not be good enough for you. You were quick to shoot that thought down.

"It's beautiful, Pietro. Thank you for sharing this with me."

His smile brightened as he approached you and held both your hands in his. "We can stay for as long as you want to. I can go into town and get us more supplies. We can swim in the lake if you like and I can cook you paprikash. You'll love it."

He was so excited. So happy to be able to spend time with you. Elated to be able to share this sentimental place with someone else, but he saw the sadness in your eyes and it made him force himself to slow down. The smile on his face dimmed.

"Do you want to go somewhere else? I can take you anywhere you like."

The heartbreak and disappointment in his voice alerted you. You hurriedly wound your arms around his shoulders and forced his eyes to meet yours. You recognized the way he looked at you, but it was only now that you really noticed that he has always looked at you that way. He was so pure. So honest. So good.

He was too good for you.

"No, Pietro. This is perfect. You're perfect." You tried to smile up at him. "I don't deserve you."

Just like that he understood you. He drew you closer by the waist and pressed a soft kiss at the corner of your mouth. When he drew back, his smile lit up his face again.

"Why do you need to deserve me, little star?" he chuckled at the puzzled look on your face, finding it adorable. "Can I not just choose to love you?"

You frowned and he just laughed more. He shushed your protests by pulling you flush against his body, lowering his head to hover his lips mere inches from yours. He left this small distance as your choice to make just as he has made his.

"Let me choose to love you."

You could feel his breath on your face at this distance, see the sparkle of anticipation in his eyes, and his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

You made your choice.

Kissing Pietro has to be the most comforting experience that you had ever felt. He tasted like hot chocolate on a rainy day and you felt your body melt when he returned the gesture. You were sighing against his lips when the now familiar feeling of him dashing turned it into a surprised squeal. You blinked and you were lying down on a soft mattress with Pietro grinning down at you.

You laughed as you shared more kisses, hands giddily exploring each other and tearing away pieces of clothing until nothing lay between you. For the first time in a long time, you felt insecure about your scars. For the first time, you were reluctant for someone to see them. Again, just like that he understood you.

"You're beautiful, little star. You have always been beautiful to me."

He kissed you again, deeply and full of emotion that you melted into the bed. His lips traveled down your neck, your chest, your stomach. He stopped to nip and suck at the inside of your thighs causing you to involuntarily moan his name. Lower he went until his mouth was working gentle swirls on your sensitive bud. Your hips grinded against his tongue, desperately seeking more.

He pressed his mouth fully on you then, adding a finger much to your delight. He ate you like he worshipped you. Like he was blessed with the opportunity to bring you pleasure. Your body sang his praises, reacting with equal enthusiasm by soon reaching your orgasm. You shook beneath him as he allowed you to ride out your high, soothing you with gentle hands rubbing circles on your hips. He was smirking at you when he crawled up, satisfied that he had made you cum but clearly aiming for more.

He kissed you again as he lined himself up against your core, sliding it against your slit to coat it with your slick. He wasn't even inside you yet and you already felt like you were ready to cum. He held your gaze, silently asking for permission that this was still what you wanted. Instead of answering, you moved your hips to slip his length inside causing him to drag out a hiss and capture your mouth again. The groan you both let out when he bottomed out vibrated through your fused lips.

"You feel incredible," he whispered. "You feel so good wrapped around me. Just like I always thought you would."

"Pietro, please."

His strokes were slow and deep, hitting that special spot inside you that had you panting with want. The smooth roll of his hips was quickly driving you higher and higher toward another orgasm. It was so gentle. So sensual. So personal.

"Tell me what you want, little star."

Everything about Pietro's life had been one big event after another. Rushed decisions. Angry fighting. Missions. Even his very enhancement relied on speed.

He didn't want that with you.

With you he wanted to slow everything down. He wanted to savor every moment. He wanted to stop time if he could, keep you in his arms for as long as possible. Freeze you in this exact moment when all you felt was pleasure.

"More," you pleaded.

Maybe he could speed up just a little bit.

His strokes gradually hastened and he glowed with satisfaction at seeing you delirious with desire because of him. He palmed at your breasts, nipped at your neck, and bucked his hips just a bit harder.

"More."

He smiled. How could he deny you? He lifted you up until you were seated on him, holding you firmly with an arm up your back with his hand fisting in your hair. The other hand he slipped between the two of you to rub against your clit. You saw the wicked glint in his eyes before he dipped his head to lave at your breasts.

You felt like you were going to explode from the different sensations. That was until he decided to move your body to bounce on his cock, his own hips thrusting up to meet you and his hand on your back guiding you to wind your hips as you came down. Your clit hit his pelvis each time and another wave was added onto your building climax. You whined, moaned, and pleaded his name. Begging him to grant you release.

“Let go for me. I have you. Let go.“

He growled against your breast and pounded up into you until you screamed and shook above him, clenching him so hard you pulled his own orgasm out of him. He spilled into you, crushing you against him as you continued to flutter around him.

You fought to catch your breath and when you caught each other's eyes, still hazy from lust, you laughed. You felt free. You felt renewed. You kissed him then.

"I love you too, Pietro."

He looked at you with unrestrained adoration. He had been chasing after you for so long that he could hardly believe that he had finally caught you. That he was finally yours.

"What? You didn't see that coming?" you teased.

He chuckled and pulled you in for another lingering kiss. You felt so good in his arms that he has completely forgotten how it felt to not have you in them.

"I meant what I said earlier," he murmured against the skin of your shoulder. "If you want to we can runaway. I can take you away from all of this. We can stay here or we can go anywhere else."

He smiled warmly at you and pecked your lips when he saw the internal conflict flash through your features. Again, without a word he understood you.

"But I know that is not what you want," he reassured you. "I just wanted you to know that you have that choice if you should want it."

Tempting as his offer was, you knew you couldn't let go of Lily's memory. You would never truly be at peace until Salvacion was rotting six feet under and his whole operation was blown to bits. You couldn't leave your mission unfinished. And you couldn't bear to leave four other men behind. Looking back at the events of the past night, it felt more accurate to say five. Still, there was a sense of security from knowing you had that option.

"Let's go home."

------------------------------------------------

A/N: Okay let’s take a vote. Should we forgive Bucky now?

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[masterthespianduchovny]

I’m going to be honest before I get to the Sam/Rebecca subplot: if they drop plots threads indicating that this continue into the next season and uplift this pairing, I’m out.

This storyline is gross and I can see why some people quit the show when the revealed happened.

When I say I’m repulsed by age gap relationships of this nature, this isn’t a shipping thing or a race thing. This is a moral and ethical thing. Because it’s not just an age gap, it’s also that Rebecca is Sam’s boss. I legitimately don’t see how people can overlook this and ship how “cute” this is. I’m not judging anyone, it just genuinely doesn’t make sense to me.

And for people who think I’m a hypocrite, Ted/Rebecca is not the same. Sam and Rebecca is like a principal dating a student. If you want to age Sam up, because people love to accuse others of infantilizing Sam, it’s like the president of a college dating a student. In both cases, there would be backlash, and have been, to these types of relationships.

Which would make Ted’s position that of a teacher/professor or someone higher. In most cases, there aren’t objections, however, both parties have to be transparent about their relationship and careful about how and if that influences their professional relationship with each other and others.

Last week, I mentioned a friend of mine who was 18 and dated someone who was 28. Both are white for reference. When I found out their ages and respective positions, I became concerned and doubly concerned.

Oh, they had chemistry and he made her so happy, but he was also controlling as fuck and emotionally abusive. During the duration of their relationship, he became her boss and would monitor her interactions via cameras in the back office. She was stressed out as fuck and would go to the bathroom to cry. You know, where cameras weren’t and where he couldn’t enter.

And it was a secret relationship because he could get in trouble. I didn’t say anything because she was with her boyfriend before she knew me. Me telling someone could’ve gotten him in trouble or fired, but that wouldn’t have ended the relationship. It would’ve made her end our friendship and cling closer to him. Instead, after I quit for other reasons, I sporadically checked on her to see how she was doing and give her advice and resources.

As far as the actual episode itself goes, I struggled to enjoy it due to the Sam/Rebecca situation. It should’ve ended at dinner at most.

The only emotional beat that landed, imo, was Jamie and Roy’s hug. I do think Ted’s confession was strong, but the flow was kinda weird for me. By itself it works.

Two things working for me that wasn’t at the forefront of the episode was 1. How Ted’s problem is fucking over the team. 2. That Nate is in over his head.

Even if AFC Richmond had lost with Ted being in his A game, it wouldn’t have been that made and the team would’ve been more competitive. They were sloppy and making baffling errors. Their head was not in the game and it showed. Man City wasn’t that good, Richmond was just that ill prepared.

And who led training?

Nate.

Nate has great instincts, but he isn’t ready to lead a team and he still has a lot of work to do before growing into coaching a team as head coach.

But let me stress, this falls completely on Ted and even Beard to an extent. Yes, Ted is having emotional issues, however, many people rely on him and he wasn’t there. I don’t mean literally because teams should be able to function without their head coach for stretches of time. He hasn’t been there mentally and emotionally for most of the season. Because AFC Richmond’s competition isn’t as premier as Man City, it’s easier to appear more dominant that you are, esp if you’re coach isn’t on his A game. However, when you’re up against actual Goliath’s in the league, you’ll get your ass handed to you like Richmond did.

As I mentioned earlier, if they do go through with supporting and uplifting Sam/Rebecca, my time with this fandom ends with the season 2 finale.

But if we take Ted’s dark forest into consideration, there is another way this could play out. Actually many.

The one I can see happening that can get her somewhat redeemed, because some will never get over this happening in the first place, is her hitting rock bottom via her relationship with Sam. Something will happen or make her have unflattering thoughts about herself and her actions that will drive her into a tailspin.

And I’m unsure if it’ll be just a personal crisis or if it’ll also be a professional crisis.

Some may disagree with me, but I do want this affair to come to light. Because if it doesn’t, it sets up this fucked up precedent that Rebecca can do fucked up shit and get away with it in private.

Rebecca fucked over her club, uprooted a man’s life in bad faith, and almost ruined several people’s careers due to her bullshit in the first season. The fact that she didn’t have to answer for any of this is a God damn mercy on Ted’s part even though she didn’t ask for it.

Now for her to date/fuck a player because “she just has to know.” Because she doesn’t want to let something pass her by?

Yeah…no.

Rebecca’s fear of loneliness is leading her to make very bad decisions and I fear what this means for Sam’s career and relationships if this breaks. There were people who allegedly care for Sam, yet cheered for this relationship to happen. What do you think happens with his locker room relationships? I’ve already explained in another post that either this sours those relationships OR they want favors from him because he’s dating/fucking the boss.

He’ll get crucified in the media. He may even have trouble getting employed. Why? Because that’s how racism works.

“But, masterthespianduchovny, if Sam may receive hate and racist acts committed against him, why do you want the affair exposed?”

Because this shit show of a relationship isn’t about just Sam. It’s about Rebecca’s fear of loneliness leading her to make bad decisions that effects everyone not just her and Sam. It’s the fact that a white woman isn’t thinking about how her actions could have major consequences for a young black man.

Rebecca is so obsessed with not being lonely and being loved that 1. She never sought help or productive ways to deal with the fall out and humiliation of her marriage. 2. She dated a man because he was “fine” and not because she was actually invested in him and the relationship 3. She’s getting involved with a player on her team without thinking of any of the consequences. 4. She’s not considering the other players, the coaches, or anyone else she’s responsible for.

Oh, and considering we got that call from Sam’s dad…his relationship with his father will most likely suffer as a result. AND now that Dubai Air thing looks suspect, esp because she was talking to him around that time unknowingly.

Oop! And isn’t she getting her relationship with Nora back on track? Even though Nora and Sam can’t legally date and I’m not saying every decision should be swayed by a teenage girl, however, Rebecca is literally sabotaging every relationship just because she’s afraid of being alone (I agree with another poster who said we really didn’t need to explore this storyline, but alas…)

Although Ted forgave Rebecca for her scheming in season one, I honestly don’t think he’d be so forgiving for this. It’s his job to protect players and look out for their well being and how can he one his boss is involved with one of his players, which again, affects others players. This relationship has major consequences for other people who are not in it.

Also, Sam…for someone who people love to say is mature enough to date an older woman, not once did even be consider the ramifications of getting involved with the boss.

Not once.

And that looks bad because a mature person his age would be mindful of such a thing. This isn’t considered or, at least, isn’t said onscreen. Sam os either thinking with his dick, his heart, or both, but he isn’t thinking with his head. Because there is no way you’re thinking with your head and don’t stop to say, “hey, this thing could jeopardize my relationship with my teammates and the other people I work with. Maybe I should think some more of this before pursuing a relationship with my boss.” Sam was all in from the moment he decided he wanted to have dinner with Rebecca. There was no thinking on his end.

But Sam’s super mature, right?

Another poster mentioned that there might be a screaming match between Rebecca and ted and I’m so here for that. No, I don’t think this argument will be romantic. They’ll have legitimate gripes with each other, but yeah…this is an argument that needs to happen. Which will most likely be before Rebecca gets help.

That’s all assuming this happens. Like I said, they could have Sam and Rebecca being a power couple (🤮), or handle this some other way. But if this is going to be framed as a good thing, others can enjoy it, but the show will have one less viewer from me.