#abusing my power to display my hyperfixations

[oopsallturtles]

Fun fact.

When you work at a library, you get to choose what books get displayed.

[fandomconsumesme]

16 sunny episodes to watch before s16: broken down

Disclaimer, this is the first long post I’ve done, so bear with me, I’m not great at concise thoughts. Also I’m sure this has been done before, but the hyperfixation is quite strong rn, might as well break it down with the information as of Frank Vs. Russia.

Gang gets racist: could just be to introduce the characters, but that is basically throwing new viewers in the deep end, and the gang haven’t been fully characterized yet. Introduction of queer Dennis though, which is shown in 16x04 (Queer Dennis Rules!) and the source of some presumable trauma for Dennis, the mental health of whom seems to be on display this season. And my beloved, the waitress.

Charlie got molested: Origin of fucking Uncle Jack, McPoyles and Charlie’s sisters. Enough said.

Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom: Dennis “Mommy issues” Reynolds is all that really comes to mind, but perhaps the introduction of Bonnie and Mrs. Mac. Maybe Macden fistfight?

The gang exploits a miracle: Origin of Dennis’ ED and Cricket.

Gang gets held hostage: I know I said McPoyles for the first episode, but to be honest they weren’t to their true levels of insanity yet, and this one brings it full force. and obviously mac’s “i love you”

Nightman Cometh: Jack has been in s16 a LOT so far, and this would help to explain the abuse that occurred to Charlie beyond largely insensitive jokes. If I trusted rcg a bit more, I might say there will be more this season covering Charlie’s trauma, but most likely this episode was picked because it’s a classic that demonstrates the dynamics of the gang.

The gang gives Frank an intervention: Introduces Gail the snail.

The Waitress is getting married: more of the waitress! Dee-Waitress dynamic! Artemis!

The DENNIS system: comes back as the SINNED system in fvr.

The Gang buys a boat: I legitimately have no clue. Maybe they will address Dennis' insane attitude towards women? How he likes the illusion of power over them?

Mac's Mom Burns her house down: A further introduction into the characters of Mrs. Mac and Bonnie, explains how they came to live together. POPPINS?!?

Who got Dee pregnant: Absolutely no idea.

The Gang goes to the jersey shore: They return there in frank shoots, nostalgia for their tainted childhoods that is purportedly the theme of Risk E. Rat.

Charlie Work: So far in 16, Charlie has been overwhelmingly the straight man, in the case of inflation, Mac's relationship with his uncle, and even taking charge of the events in cursed. This episode somewhat reflects that. It's also incredibly highly rated and one of the best episodes, so...

The Gang goes on family fight: Dennis has an emotional breakdown related to his self-perceived inadequacies and extreme reaction to failure, which it can be guessed will feature in DTAMHD.

MFHP: Not only are the events of this episode mentioned in Fvr, as to give context to Frank now being an ally, plus it details mac's relationship with his father, which lurks in the background of shoots, this was the first season-ending, serious emotional catharsis moment, starting a trend that continued with Charlie and his dad in 15, and will presumably manifest for Dennis in DTAMHD. So rest assured, it's probably going to make us cry. Also it's pretty gay, which can only mean good(?) things.

[gallusrostromegalus]

OP PLEASE EXPLAIN MOKUBA HAVING A GUN

Okay, so- YGO was my first fandom way back in... Middle school? and we could get into the psychology of traumatized baby me and the tropes of the series and the narrative anomalies of a fairly dark manga/anime getting the 4KIDS! treatment but:

Mokuba should have had a Gun.

Kid gets Kidnapped A LOT and until very recently, he and his brother were violent sociopaths and I feel like maaaaaaaaaaaybe Mokuba should have kept a bit of that. Not a Lot. He's doing much better now, but shit keeps happening to him and a touch of the night comes in real handy now and then, especially when your brother is comprised of equal parts hubris, hyperfixation and (repressed) homosexuality and *somebody* has to deal with this nonsense.

So I think Mokuba should have had a gun. Or Tire Iron Or Distressingly Large Knife. Something.

It wouldn't alter the plot much- in Deulist kingdom he's still like what, 11? and he doesn't know how to use that shit but I feel like he should have been allowed to go down fighting. By the time Battle City rolls around, he's had some more practice and someone beat it into him that "talk softly and carry a big stick" also means "Don't let your beloved but extremely neurotic brother know about The Gun". So it's just. There. For Emergencies.

Granted, the kid who's been to basically hell probably has a warped ideaof what qualifies as an "emergency" but hey. It adds something to his character, like coffee in chocolate cake or bolognese.

Here, have an Excerpt from the fic I started writing at 3 AM. The context is that they're at the island in Battle City part 2, and Prior to this, Mokuba had sucessfully downloaded Noah into a PS3, that he's currently carrying around like a Purse Chihuahua while he watches Destiny Happen or Whatever:

---

"Mokuba." Said Noah. It was technically a question but their father had always viewed Interrogative Intonation as Weakness.

"Yeah?" Mokuba replied, a native speaker of Abused Bastardeese.

"Is the clock on this device correct? It says it's 12:45 in the afternoon."

"Sure is."

There was a pause as there was some more dramatic monologing about the unfathomable power of the cards on the dueling platform.

"It is. Remarkably dark out for Luncheon." Noah tried.

"Oh! Yeah, while you were compling we all got moved into Hell." Mokuba nodded.

There was another pause as the first speech was rejoined by a second about the Power of Friendship.

"...Hell, you say?" Noah asked, feeling himself go a bit peaky about the exhaust fans.

"Yeah, Don't worry about it. Either this dingus-" he pointed to the more offensive hairstyle. "-will lose the game and physics will go back to normal, or I'll beat him with that piece of concrete and rebar and Physics will go back to normal. It's really just stage dressing."

Some of the Holographic effects were very loud, causing another pause in the conversation.

"Does this happen... often?" Noah tried, beginning to wonder if he'd made the right choice in leaving his digital hell.

"Not usually until the finals of a tournament but sometimes in the pregame. I got stuck here for a whole weekend once." Said Mokuba with the casual informative air of an old man speculating on whether this year's fishing was going to be any good.

"Your remarkable state of calm during the Digital Debacle earlier is beginning to make a lot more sense." Noah muttered, indicator light blinking sheepishly.

"Yeah, Like, finding out you existed and had been trapped in a videogame was probably the worst emotional gutpunch of the weekend, but that was maybe the fourth or fifth weirdest thing to happen today."

"Are we including everyone's hair in that tally?"

"Oh yeah, natch." Nodded Mokuba, shifting his weight and looking around for somewhere safe to set Noah down. "Sometimes I wish Seto would go back to his old Lime Green hair so he'd fit in with his peers more. Pull up some concrete." he set Noah down on a flat bit next to a pair of chunks that made a remarkably good child-size recliner.

"What, he took over my corporate empire AND stole my hair color?" Noah asked, trying to sound mock-offended but his real offense crept through.

"When I say Seto had an Identity Crisis I mean he had a fucking Crisis." Mokuba nodded. They watched another dazzling display of special effects. "I should have brought some snacks."

[shootonsight]

censordoll has hebephrenic schizophrenia (headcanon) with explanation

(apologies for this, not only is psychology my special interest, but i LOVE censordoll… so it all works out)

to start, the hebephrenic category of schizophrenia is characterized by disorganized behavior/speech, shallow or inappropriate emotional responses (could also be called mood incongruence), hallucinations, and delusions.

the diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia is to have at least two of these things:

delusions (strong, inexplicable beliefs that are irrational in nature)

hallucinations (when your body or mind perceives something that is not really there)

thought disorders (patterns of thought that cannot be explained with reasoning or senses)

she also has other schizophrenia characteristics, such as:

social avoidance

false belief of superiority

religious delusion

compulsive behavior

irrational/aggressive behavior

depression

being consumed/territorial over interests

now that i have that out of the way, let me explain why she fits into this category.

delusions: believing she is the matriarch, narcissism due to her self-imposed isolation, belief that she is better than others due to her lack of eggs, and being free from original sin. (false belief of superiority) she views herself on the same morality, power level, and deserving of the same respect as the lord, along with believing that she is more qualified to sermonize over moralton than reverend putty. she also displays hyperreligiosity. when she protests, she claims that picketing and protesting is doing “god’s work” (religious delusion) and even if the delusion is right, it becomes a delusion when they use illogical or unethical methods of explaining it.

thought disorders (illogical/irrational thinking): eggs = her removed ovaries. she is obsessed with something that irrationally remind her of something she lost traumatically. eggs are one of her “only pleasures”, but probably couldn’t explain why. this also ties into her delusions, but i decided to separate the bullets anyways.

obsessive, agressive, or territorial over interests: we see this when she slaps mr figurelli over a plate of eggs for no apparent reason. unlike regular autistic hyperfixations, schizophrenia related/induced interests last longer and can lead to someone feeling lost, angry, or depressed when they go away. (we see this in “offensiveness” when there’s a prohibition placed on eggs, she gets really sad because they’re one of the only things that bring her true joy; even though she was given cesarean-born eggs, they aren’t the same as naturally passed eggs in her mind.) her HEAVY obsession with eggs was likely started in childhood and persisted into adulthood.

social avoidance: she isolates herself because she sees herself as better than others. (false belief of superiority is also a schizophrenia characteristic) her lack of eggs caused her to deem herself “immaculate” and free from original sin (as seen in “alone”). she bans and protests things, not only to overcompensate for what she’s lost, but so she doesn’t make real connections with the townsfolk. she secures her place as a sovereign by refusing connection to society and sharing common interests with people. she stays away from commonly enjoyed things (like movies and books) so that she doesn’t fall into line with other people she deems inferior to her, ultimately disrupting her goals (as she believes). she also avoids connections with people who wouldn’t bring her closer to her goal of becoming mayor.

compulsive behavior: she only lets her mom call her at 9pm every night, she will avoid and ignore her persistent calls until the time comes. she will not answer the phone from her mother at ANY other time.

depression: her apartment is MINIMALLY decorated, some of her time is consumed by speaking with someone who ABUSED her (her mother), so that would be a valid factor to her being depressed.

[distortingbones]

relistening to a guest for mr spider and i'm really struck by the parallels between jon and martin's upbringings-- martin's mother resented him because he reminded her of his father (who she despised), while jon's grandmother resented him because he reminded her of his parents (who she loved & mourned). both jon and martin carry a similar trauma, but because of that difference (hatred vs mourning) they present in very different ways.

keep reading for a big chunk of analysis of how this has affected them/their relationship throughout the podcast, as well as it what it means for current events in canon. 

more than anything, martin wants to distance himself from his father by becoming someone worthy of love, or, failing that, someone who people overlook. (better to be invisible than to be hated, he figures.) he structures his whole public-facing self around being a trustworthy, kind, caring person. 

he first develops feelings for jon while jon is mistreating him (season 1) because he sees jon as somebody who is in need of love and affection. he can bring jon tea, check in on him throughout the day, and jon gives him very little acknowledgment in return. although it would be a stretch to call jon abusive, this still mirrors martin's parents' relationship, where his mother was the victim and his father the abuser. if martin plays the role of the person offering care and jon doesn't reciprocate, then in their unequal relationship, martin is unequivocally placed into his mother's role. martin gets to be the giver, and he is satisfied that this means he is not acting out the role of his father.

sure, jon still dislikes him, but that's because martin is "annoying and incompetent" (in quotes because it's obviously not true), never because jon thinks martin is a bad or abusive person. to martin, that's what's important. it's part of why he's so horrified when jon accuses martin of lying to him (and committing murder) in season 2. martin suddenly realizes that jon sees him as someone who is manipulative and capable of doing great harm, and that's martin's worst nightmare. up until this point, martin has continued to care for jon, no matter how awful and paranoid jon gets, because to martin it's not about how jon treats him, it's about how he perceives him. (ultimately martin gets better at sticking up for himself, but this is his headspace during season 2.)

this is also part of why martin finds the lonely so compelling. without other people around, he doesn’t have to worry about how he is perceived, because there’s no one there to perceive him. he doesn’t have to worry about being a bad or abusive person, because there’s nobody else around to abuse. nothing hurts in the lonely, because martin’s primary source of anxiety and internal conflict is finally lifted. when jon rescues martin from the lonely, martin says, “i see you,” and comes back to himself. but really, it’s the fact that jon sees martin that saves him. in that moment, martin is sure that jon loves him, that jon sees him as somebody who is worth saving, sees him as somebody who brings goodness into the world. martin feels fully and completely seen by jon, and he is overwhelmed with relief and joy that the person jon sees is good.

okay, what about jon, you ask?

jon is desperate to live up to his parents, who his grandmother mourned. much like martin, he yearns to be “good enough”. however, while for martin “good enough” means "not being abusive”, jon’s goalpost is invisible and constantly out of reach. martin at least had a model of how not to behave (like his father), but jon didn’t. even if he had tried to imitate his parents, it would never have fixed the hole in his grandmother’s heart. it’s impossible for the living to measure up to the dead, because our memory of the dead is both fixed and idealized.

jon internalizes that he needs to be more, better, but he’s never really sure how so he just criticizes every aspect of himself. he’s constantly comparing himself to others, but even when the comparison is favorable he still doesn’t feel good enough.

(big sidenote: i have adhd and headcanon jon as adhd because he displays a number of symptoms, and it’s really common for people with adhd to develop a deep feeling of unworthiness. we grow up with authority figures telling us we’re not “living up to our potential”, as we alternate between hyperfixating and losing focus completely. for example, i was often chastised as a kid because i read YA fantasy novels voraciously, but sometimes struggled in school because i refused to read anything that didn’t hold my immediate interest. guess who else read nonstop but wouldn’t read anything he deemed boring?? jonathan jarchivist sims. i’d be willing to bet he developed a serious unworthiness complex from authority figures asking why he couldn’t apply himself to [x thing] the same way he did to his interests.)

he works himself to the bone trying to be the best archivist that he can, but of course elias really screwed him over by giving him a job that he’s not actually qualified for and doesn’t know how to do which even further degrades his already paltry sense of self-worth. he projects this fear of incompetence onto martin, which is why he criticizes martin so harshly. even if jon’s not great at his job, at least he can say he’s better than martin. for someone who constantly compares himself to others, this is at least a small source of comfort.

when martin shows kindness to jon in season 1, jon brushes it off, because he thinks love is something that has to be earned. at this point jon feels deeply unworthy-- he’s in way over his head with work, and is terrified by the eye watching him give statements-- so he thinks martin doesn’t have any reason to care for him, which means that martin’s affection for him is not valid. in season 2 jon even suspects martin has ulterior motives, because he can’t fathom why anyone would genuinely want to give him love.

this post will expand into even more of a monster if i if get into all the times that jon puts himself down for things he can’t control (it wasn’t stupid to break the table alright, he was doing his best). he also consistently internalizes the criticism of others even when that criticism is unfair/cruel (look at what happened with tim in season 3, or when his coworkers discovered that he was feeding on people, etc etc etc). jon is way too willing to believe that he is a bad, stupid, evil person.

he’s also always going above and beyond to prove himself. again, countless examples, but like the dude literally charged into the buried to save daisy just because he thought it might be possible to rescue her. she’s not really his friend at that point (in fact she tried to kill him), and also he’s not at all responsible for her entrapment. but he thinks it would be the right thing to do, and so he does it, and damn the consequences.

he says if he dies, the world just loses another monster. but also, his parents died and they were the ones his grandmother loved, so maybe if he dies doing what’s right then maybe he’ll finally be good enough too.

anyway, by season 4, martin is effectively gone, and this is when jon’s feelings for him really start to show. (you can probably argue that his love for martin was evident earlier, but i personally think this is when jon becomes actually aware of how he feels.) the primary model of love jon saw growing up was the mournful, longing love his grandmother felt for his dead parents. he wasn’t taught how to love somebody who’s there with you, but he does know what it’s like to love somebody who’s gone. he begins to not just want to be “good enough” in general, but also specifically good enough for martin. (i.e. it’s martin’s reaction to jon feeding on strangers that really makes jon feel ashamed.)

when jon follows martin into the lonely, elias tells him flat-out that he will likely not return. jon doesn’t hesitate-- after all, he’s well-versed in taking enormous risks to save others, and this is for martin, to whom he so desperately wants to prove himself. it’s only once he finds martin that jon finally feel worthy of his love, and allow himself to accept it.

when martin says “i see you” and begins to come back to himself, jon knows he succeeded, that he proved himself, that he is worthy of love. and martin knows that jon loves him and thinks martin’s worth saving. in that moment, they don’t just love each other, they both feel loved, something that seemed almost impossible for these two traumatized men.

and it would be such a beautiful wrap if that was where it ended, right? but instead the eyepocalypse happened and we have to deal with all the messiness that is season 5.

so, jon was manipulated into ending the world as we know it, and the guilt from that undoes the tenuous scrap of self-worth he developed via saving martin.  he’s thrust into a position where he doesn’t think it’s even possible for him to be good again, let alone good enough. the only morally pure thing that he can think of to do is to use his power to protect martin, the man he loves, which is why he’s so emotionally paralyzed at the beginning of season 5. he can be good enough within the confines of their cabin, he can keep martin safe there, but out in the world ruled by fears he knows that there’s no way to be the perfect person he so desperately wants to be.

he ultimately agrees to go try to stop the fearpocalypse because he knows it’s the right thing to do, and jon has never, ever shied away from doing the right thing, no matter how dangerous. but he’s forced to make a lot of messy, difficult decisions out there-- he feeds off people’s fear to keep himself going, he murders not!sasha, he will certainly have to kill even more. as far as jon’s concerned, he’s crossed the line permanently. there is no way he is ever, ever going to be “good enough” again, after the choices he’s made. it doesn’t matter if he’s doing the best he can, or if he makes a net positive impact, or even whether or not events are his fault, he’s proven that he’s not perfect so he will never believe he is good enough.

meanwhile, martin comes into season 5 feeling rather empowered. even after all the effort he spent pushing people away in season 4, jon loves him, and that makes martin feel pretty confident that he’s a good person. he has a solid sense of self-worth, which means it’s easier for him to act and make tough decisions.

he also has a less rigid view of morality than jon does (despite generally being nicer). he sees the entities and their avatars as creatures who abuse others and cause harm, much like his father. if he could have hurt his father to save his mother, you know he would have, and he’s wiling to murder in order to save innocents. also, because he’s secure in his belief that he’s a good person (thanks in large part to jon being such a loving boyfriend), martin is less likely to scrutinize his own actions the way jon does. martin is making choices based on what feels right, what he thinks will have the greatest net positive outcome, while jon just sees every single harmful thing he does as another item in the pile of reasons that he’s not good enough. jon looks at his actions individually, while martin looks at them holistically.

anyway, right now they’re functioning. despite his absolutely annihilated self-worth, jon is still able to find an anchoring purpose in the fact that he can use his eye power to defend martin. martin is able to move forward and act because he has the warmth and confidence of knowing jon loves him.

it wouldn’t take much to break them, though.

if martin died or was lost to a power, jon would absolutely crumble and lose all direction.

if jon stopped loving martin and told martin that he was a bad person, martin would absolutely crumble and lose all self-worth.

that’s what makes annabelle cane’s interest in martin so worrying. right now, martin is confident enough that her call doesn’t really phase him, he just hangs up on her. but if martin were to give in and join the web, it could ruin everything. jon would feel like he’d failed martin, and, knowing jon’s stance on avatars, martin might feel that jon thought he was evil. they would both fall apart completely and lose themselves to the entities they serve.

[jasmariswonderland]

Assorted Lore Part 10 ~ Kalai Abilene (or how I managed to repurpose my fav kh oc for my twst verse)

Hello everyone! 

This past Sunday was Kalai’s birthday! Even though I’ve sort of neglected her in recent months, she still has a very special place in my heart. She was the first oc I felt comfortable sharing online and the first I’ve really spent a great amount of time developing, and working on her has resulted in me fully branching out several other characters too. Her story holds a lot of personal importance to me also. 

So it was probably natural that even after I began getting heavily into twst last year and brainrotting over a new crop of ocs, I would still want to find a way to incorporate Kalai into my new hyperfixation. And I have, sort of. Taima, one of Kalai’s children post-kh3 is a scarabia oc in my twst verse, repurposed since she’s still a baby in my kh-oc verse. Most of Kalai’s family (and Kalai herself) also exist in my twst verse but they’re mostly in the background and never mentioned by name since I try to keep both universes separate. 

But since I’ve recently been focusing on Taima in preparation for the Sunset Savanna event in JP, I’ve also been thinking more about Kalai and this version of her in Twisted Wonderland. So today, I thought I’d share some headcanons I have for Kalai Abilene and her life as a mother, former assassin, and one of the baddest bitches in the Kingscholar royal guard. 

~~~

Kalai Abilene was born in Shaftlands. Most of her early life has parallels to her life in my kh-oc verse. She’s the product of a forbidden romance between a guardsman and a princess/niece of Shaftlands’ king, she grew up thinking her mother’s husband (a powerful duke) was her father but he’s hella abusive and resentful of her existence, etc. Her stepfather’s biggest issue with her (besides her looking a lot like his romantic rival) was her tomboyish personality and little interest in traditionally feminine pursuits. A lot of his comments would result in Kalai having a complex about her femininity as she grew older. 

When she’s a preteen, she’s sent to a boarding school where unfortunately, life wasn’t much easier for her. However, Kalai had a friend in one of the older teachers who felt she had a lot of potential and tried to encourage her as best as she could. One day while observing Kalai during PE class, this teacher watched as she displayed a sudden powerful spell of wind magic, the first time Kalai had ever displayed any magical ability. 

At her teacher’s insistence, Kalai began studying magic under tutelage and soon their friendship became much closer. After confiding in her teacher about her less than pleasant home life, her teacher made the shocking realization that not only were they related but that she was actually Kalai’s paternal grandmother! She was quick to reach out to Kalai’s mother and stepfather to confront them about the latter’s abuse with both women coming to the secret agreement that Kalai could now live with her grandmother since she felt very guilty about all Kalai had to endure at the hands of her husband. So Kalai went to live with her grandmother where she had a much happier life and really began to flourish under her loving care. In her sixteenth year, she was reunited with her biological father, began attending Royal Sword Academy, and developed a secret romance with another young woman from Night Raven College named Elrena. 

Kalai and Elrena continued their relationship even after graduating their respective arcade academies but drifted apart as their careers took them in different directions. By now, Kalai, her father and grandmother (both retired by now) had relocated to Sunset Savanna and Kalai soon took a position in the Kingscholar royal guard. She quickly made a name for herself with her combat skills and incredible wind magic, catching the attention of both royal family and officials alike. But she also caught the eye of another person in particular, one of the royal families personal herbalists, a man named Lauriam. 

She and Lauriam began dating but at the same time, Lauriam was dating another woman but when he asked if this would bother Kalai, she said no since in the culture of her adoptive nation, polyamory was normalized. After a few years moving up the ranks in the royal guard, Kalai was given a rather peculiar task of assisting in an assassination plot against a rival of the Kingscholar family who posed a threat to the life of the crown prince. This was successful and before she knew it, Kalai was taking on more work of a similar fashion for the royal family, taking on the sorbriquet “Alixka” during her time as an assassin. 

Eventually she helped unearth a major conspiracy meant to overthrow the current ruler of Sunset Savanna with her stepfather being one of the major conspirators. Out of fear for her mother and stepsisters’ safety (along with the fact that by now she was pregnant with Lauriam’s child), Kalai made the decision to end her assassination work for the Kingscholar family but remained in the royal guard with her years of loyalty to them keeping her and her family safe and protected. 

After giving birth to her first child, a boy named Zephyr, it was decided that Lauriam’s other love would help them raise their baby. And you can imagine Kalai’s shock and delight when she realized the other woman Lauriam was dating was her old flame from high school, Elrena! It didn’t take long for the women to rekindle what they once had and form a happy domestic triad with Lauriam. Years later, Kalai lives with Lauriam, Elrena, their four children, her father and grandmother. She’s also on good terms with her two half sisters and is far happier now than she ever imagined she could be when she was a child.