#after only getting like 3 hours of sleep
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I flew back home after spending the week with my family, my wife and bestie had saved my birthday presents for when I came back, and I want to show off what they got me ♡
She got me an illustrated version of Gaston Leroux's Phantom of the Opera! It's SO beautiful, the illustrations at the end of the book made me begin to cry! (If i have to cry, so do yall)



She also got me earrings with beads from the broadway chandelier! The earrings are very pretty, I'll have to find something nice to wear them with

And this pretty little broadway musical pin 🥺

And my bestie got me the collector's edition of Phantom of the Paradise! I'm so happy I don't have to rent the movie anymore hehe (the subtitles are completely wrong and I'm sad about it but at least i have the movie)

#i had an AWFUL morning at the airport tho#i was having horrible anxiety in that massive airport and then they moved me to a different flight and I was there for like 5 hours#after only getting like 3 hours of sleep#its okay i slept on the plane#glad to be back home though#but now im just super tired#im glad i dont have to go back to work until tuesday#gonna watch phantom of the paradise a billion more times eee
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Mangograft! (PHIGHTING!)

Would one care for a mango? (It’s a bomb /j)
ANYWAYS I forgot to post this so here it is! Live laugh Mangograft this was a suggestion from a friend since I was bored :3
Also here’s this gem too no im not giving context


#I’m finally starting to neglect my poor tumblr followers less#YOU GUYSCARE FINALLY BEING FED WOWWWWWWW!!!!!!#More art soon also as well! I have a few other things planned that I’m working on at the moment and then a possible PMV idea if I ever get#To it…….#The second thing was made at like 2 in the morning by the way after I was already running on low sleep 💔#Speaking of low sleep also SCHOOL HAS STARTED BACK UP FOR ME !#2 ap classes and the rest basically all honors with no specials is kicking my ASS and it’s only the third day but I mean at least my grades#Are doing good so far and I’m finally around people again >:3!#Cosplay related content is also REAAAAALLLLYYYY gonna kick up as well + tradjtonal projects I can’t wait for as well#For now though digital art is gonna stick to a pretty meh pace but I’m still cooking that’s for sure! So be prepared!#…. Perspective is really hard by the way this piece took 10 hours EXACTLY#Oh my GOD#art#phighting!#artists on tumblr#digital art#phighting art#roblox phighting#phighting roblox#phighting fanart#roblox#phighting#phighting! roblox#phighting! oc#phighting! art#phighting! subspace#subspace tripmine#phighting subspace#phighting oc#biograft phighting
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First five days of suntantober!!! Cats, flower language, weather, games and movies :3
Bonus drawing under cut because two birds with one stone, suntantober AND that one challenge
#suntantober24#omori fanart#omori#kel omori#omori kel#sunny omori#omori sunny#omori suntan#suntan omori#sorry for the scuffed drawings im juggling like 3 projects at once and real life. uagdh.#posting this after 4 hours of sleep so im no longer responsible for spelling mistakes or bad quality#burnout is approaching rapidly. too bad im faster!!! (no im not im gonna cry by the end of October)#no im not tagging basil hes only there because it fit the theme GET HIM OUTTA MY FACEE!!!! /JOKE /SILLY#Tumblr hates me LET ME ORDER MY FUCKING IMAGES YOU BASTARD
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Sigh. That one panel from "The Beast With Two Backs" mini comic is going around again, which means that (once again) people are choosing to repeat some nonsense about it being Kripke sharing his real feelings about J2, instead of paying attention to the context: that it is explicitly presented as a comic commissioned by Ed and Harry to make themselves look tough and cool, and to make Sam and Dean look vain and weak. It's completely tongue in cheek, and perfectly in character for Ed and Harry.
It's also making fun of the kind of dudebro comic fans that go on about "real men" any time someone shows an emotion, and I think that's incredibly obvious when you actually read it.
The mini comic appeared in an issue of Rising Son, a prequel series set when Dean was 11 and Sam was 7, and opens with a reference to The Outer Limits (a classic sci-fi horror show from the 60's, if you're not familiar) as Ed and Harry "interrupt" the transmission of an exaggerated moment of melodrama between the Winchesters.
Here it is in full:
#anyway it's a goof and it's presented clearly as one#and it's also pretty obvious in context that the ghostfacers with their toxic hypermasculinity are the actual butt of the joke#so it drives me mad whenever that one panel starts getting spread around without context again#it's the fandom equivalent of a clickbait headline that gets shared without anyone reading the article#such a big pet peeve of mine#around and around we go#wank adjacent#because of the wank i'm seeing about the context-free panel being shared around#fandom: supernatural#also i'm probably more cranky about it this time because i'm incredibly sleep deprived#i think i've had one instance of 4 consecutive hours in the past twelve days#generally i'm getting like 3 hours before i get woken up by our dog#and then several 45 minute - 1 hour intervals after that#so i'm like 1000x more irritable than usual#which makes pet peeves 1000x worse#anyway lol#only four more weeks of this to go 🤪
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really wish my one friend would quit flirting with me. and trying to goad me into hanging out more. and assigning us fictional characters that are oh-so-coincidently either couples or with romantic tension. and then interrupting our gameplay to ask me repeatedly if I think they’re “like us” (which they rarely are…). and matching my icon on discord without asking (again, usually by insinuating a couple connection). and giving me random things I do not want and did not ask to receive (and then forcing me to take them???).
#storyrambles#it’s not creepy. just for context. it’s just irritating because I’ve told this person repeatedly that I’m not interested in romance.#this person is also naturally a huge romantic so it is next to impossible to tell whether it’s actual flirtation or just flirting for fun#flirting for fun is cool. I wouldn’t mind that. but if I do it once this person will take that as an invitation to do it an excessive amoun#but yeah after being given 12 roses out of the blue when I said ‘no don’t buy me flowers’. there’s only so many things that can mean#‘it’s nice to see your face you always cover it!’ …I’m masking. because of covid#I’m narrating a game and suddenly ‘I like hearing your voice I should call you every day so I can hear it for 10 minutes’. …no.#‘you have to take the snack I brought you know it’s rude to refuse a gift’ I have never refused a gift. It is rude. But also I didn’t ask.#‘you know this game is one you can play without talking so we can play more often!’ we already play games once a week for usually 3 hours.#‘but it’s not talking so it’s less social energy’ no. that is not how it works.#sorry for the rant im just. tired.#you know those people who are so pleasant to hang out with and then they try way too hard#and that’s actually what makes things awkward? rather than when they’re just being themselves?#yeah. that’s this friend here.#usually I go along with the bit but when I can never tell when the bit is actually a bit#and you insist on me taking on the ‘girl role’ for most of them#I am not going to play along.#UGH don’t get me started on the ‘you’re cute when you’re flustered’#I wasn’t even flustered. I was trying to do mental math while running on four hours of sleep and he was staring directly at me#it’s uncomfortable.#also. I never want to hear that again. fuck. ‘you’re cute when you’re angry’ ‘you’re cute when you’re upset’ ALL THE FUCKING TIME AS A KID#will I be so cute after I kick you in the nuts? will I?#(for clarity I don’t want to kick him. I want to kick those other people.)#I need a lot of alone time. I really do. I can do 3 hours and then I will be drained for the rest of the day.#‘how did you grow up? did you not talk to your mom for more than 3 hours a day?’#first of all. that’s different?#secondly we actually regularly do separate things without talking to each other. or go in separate rooms to take some time to ourselves#also I don’t have to be on high alert for if I’m going to be flirted with. so.#ugh. I like him as a friend. I really do. I know this all makes it seem like the opposite. I try so hard to be as nice as possible.#but UGHHHHHH
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diversity win! my mother finally admits her children are autistic!
#blue rambles#imagine you are me#home for the summer#just woken up at 7 to put the youngest on the bus#only slept like 3 hours and can't go back to sleep bc you are desperately trying to fix your sleep schedule#just the -_- emoticon irl#sitting in silence with your mom when she drops “you know i wish i knew you and your sisters were autistic earlier”#MA'AM?????#i tried to tell you NINE YEARS AGO#it took 6 years of fighting to get her to believe the adhd despite it running in the family so i just gave up on the autism#and then you drop this on me???#on a random morning??????#did accepting the adhd finally losen the cogs after all these years???#did it oil the gears????#im going to walk into the woods and start eating a tree i swear to g-d
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Practicing your good manners all the time is so that when you're in a bad situation, you can still fall back on highly-trained reflex and be polite.
For a random example that probably did not happen to me a couple hours ago, when you're about to pass out from a migraine and your head isn't even steady on your neck, and you order a burger and shake to fix it and drive over and barely make it without throwing up or dying...
You don't want to shamble like a zombie to a complete stranger and like make inarticulate grunts. You just won't get your food that way!
No, this is where reflex shines. Turn on the big friendly American smile that you've trained all your life to do for strangers, and say, "Hi! Online order for [R]!"
And then they hand you the sandwich and then they're like, "Just a sec, I have to get your milkshake from the kitchen." You don't snarl inarticulately, flail, and pass out on the floor in front of this poor woman working customer service at the one Halal burger place in town (immaculate veggie burgers, three choices of vegan patty, with entirely different toppings meant to compliment each patty type, like there was thought put into the veggie options at this fast food place). No, you keep that smile frozen, and when she comes back not 10 s later with your shake--already prepared and just waiting for you in the fridge--you can just say, "Thank you so much!"
Reflex has saved you. You were polite to the customer service rep and looked normal. You did not faint in a restaurant or need the police called on you. Now you have a burger and a shake to take the edge off the need to pass out, and can live another day.
#guess who walked 6 miles today with zero shade after only eating vegan hot pot (read: all vegetables with a little bit of noodles and tofu)#I mean the vegan hot pot was delicious! don't get me wrong! but I was expecting to walk 3-4 miles and maybe have some shade#and vegan hot pot was just not the right amount/type of fuel for what I actually ended up doing#even my vegan friend who is very physically fit who was walking with me had a chocolate protein bar at the halfway point#(if I'd realized how long a walk it was going to be I'd have prepared like that too)#hell even my vegan friend who's very physically fit and goes on long walks every day was tired at the end of the walk#when my bus stop was in sight and I was like 'good thing because my legs are actually getting tired?'#they were like 'oh yeah I'm really tired too' which made me feel good because long walks are their THING and I'd made it just as far as the#but boy did my body just have a complete and total collapse on the train ride home#to the point where I wasn't confident I could drive the 10 minutes home from the train station without stopping by the#side of the road to throw up#which is why I instead drove 10 min to a burger place and then ate 2 large bites of burger and drank a few sips of shake#and then drove 10 minutes home#risky--twice as much driving but the second half after eating a bit of burger and drinking a bit of sugar and fat weren't as harrowing#and at least this way when I collapsed at home after two more burger bites and putting the milkshake in the fridge#(ate 1/4 of each of burger and milkshake--that was all I could stand to consume which is why I picked really dense foods)#(and drinking a full glass of water with some ibuprofen and even getting undressed and getting in bed)#I had some fuel for my body to stitch itself back together in my sleep and woke up fine 3 1/2 hours later
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Welp i just spent literally 8 hours on a videocall with friends its 2am and its storytime in the tags
Noooo i reached the 30 tags limit todomal im not rewriting shit tho so if the story feels abruptly ended thats why lol
#ok so the first 3ish hours were with 4 ppl#then the normal ppl went to eat dinner and presumably sleep at some point#and me and another guy stayed (neither of us were with parents and i assumed it would be like a few minutes of catching up and then byee)#anyways we started talking we played set for a while then we played weird set variations that absolutely killed us#and then we just kept talking idk about everything and nothing#and at some point the conversation went back as it always does to the good old days when we would spend hours and hours playing mao#(for anyone who somehow doesnt know yet mao is a very fun card game that you can't speak about the rules and you add on more as you play)#anyway so at some point we were like WAIT if we're having a meetup in august we need fucking rules#do you have any good rules? and i was like well not that half of the others dont know them at least#and he was like well i havent played since last time we saw each other so nope#so we were like lets think some fucking rules come on#and we came up with a kind of nice rule but then#then i said an idea that had been sitting at the back of my mind of something someone had done to me years ago#but remixed so it was more suited to what we like in this group#and oh my god what a good rule we made i literally love it omg#are we gonna hate putting it? probably bc it requires constant attention and a burning desire to fuck everyone up#the second of which we both absolutely have!! so it should be fine lmao#anyways yeah i missed talking to this guy specifically he was like probably the 2nd closest to me in the whole summer camp#(the closest being candela <3 who was my roomie and the only other girl in there🤑🤑)#but yeah ive kept vey much in contact with her but this guy is already from like a whole different part of spain#and he also went to study in england so yeah we havent seen each other much only when we all meet up#we used to videocall all of us a lot last year but this year we only managed to like twice? and i missed them all but him specifically#also bc everyone else i cared about ive been seeing them every now and then since now they all live near barcelona except him#anyways yeah we ended up talking for like 5 hours just the 2 of us and it was rlly nice catching up but also like having one on one time#which really hasnt happened for more than like 15 minutes since the summer camp 2 years ago#we started getting close bc we were playing kiss killer and we both knew the other one didnt kill us#(he knew who killed him and i killed that guy and since it was circular and there were more ppl alive he couldnt kill me)#so we stayed together for protection bc we were playing the sardine lmao (bad game for when youre playing kiss killer lol)#anyways yeah after that an unbreakable warriors bond was forged and we became close allies and friends#mine
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Woke up from my little power outage nap and couldn’t even manage to eat a full box of macked cheese, grad school will fuck you up for life kids, do it at your own risk.
#my stuff#i don’t like to admit it but i’ve developed a complicated relationship with food#i’m a rational person i know food is important and i feel hunger and when i do i want to eat#but due to the hassle of meal prep and my tight finances i basically only eat one meal a day at the end and use coffee to power through#often until like 6pm#which i know is not good in a general or transition sense#and when i was first starting to fall into this pattern i would eat A TON at night to make up for it#but sometime during my grief in march n april i developed#a psychological difficulty with finishing food. like executive dysfunction and insecurity hoarding combined#and also i sometimes get nauseous midway through eating#or rapidly feel full after being doubled over from hunger cramps and then hungry again an hour later#and above all else it’s annoying bc its subconscious or physiological and it makes it hard to overcome#and even if i was provided 3 meals a day i’d probably struggle to stomach eating that freq in any significant amount#i feel like when my stomach is empty it tries to quasi hibernate until last minute and then goes ravenous#much like me emotionally but that’s a different tag rant#anyways another complication is ‘sleep for dinner’ right when i get home which fucks up my eating AND sleep schedule#all this bullshit when i’m a scientist who has taken metabolism classes and knows my body is getting wrecked from this#so i’m guilty as fuck abt it🙂↕️
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for anyone else out there struggling with insomnia, I'm sharing this just in case it helps anyone else: my doctor suggested 5 mg melatonin for me. It didn't make me sleep better and also gave me pretty bad side effects like having brain fog the day after, like I was completely unable to think and my reactions were slowed down to the point I would've been a danger in traffic. but I switched to a lower dose of 3 mg melatonin and not only do I have no side effects from that dose but ALSO IT WORKED. I've actually consistently slept 7-8 hours for the past week since I switched dose. I don't know the science behind that but lowering the dose worked better to put me to sleep.
#really hoping this lasts haha... ha... could just be coincidence... temporarily sleeping good....#but i have some amount of hope that the 3 mg melatonin pills could be something i could use temporarily#when i'm in these shitty insomnia periods#i take them about an hour before i want to sleep#spend the first half hour brushing my teeth doing my skincare routine etc#then the next half hour after that i'm chilling in bed until i start feeling sleepy#about an hour after taking them i just start feeling comfortably sleepy and relaxed#i feel like it calms my brain down and makes it Shut Up#this past week i haven't spent any time in bed with brain active just Thinking... my brain gets calm and sleepy instead idk#and it's not a creepy drowzy drugged feeling either just comfy tired#i know melatonin is super common in some other countries and is regulated as a supplement in the us so maybe this is old news to people#but it's regulated as a medical drug here and not something most people use or might know about#like before 2020 you even needed a prescription for it#now you only need a prescription to get bigger boxes of it here
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I'm awake, but it's still so late, and I can't turn my brain off to go back to sleep blehhh -_-"
#its kinda scary rn but its just sleep#i just wanna go back to bed but its hard#ive only really have around 2 or 3 hours left before i habe to get up but still#im trying :<#i dont like my brain off of sleep its scary X'/#i dont like how i think late at night ughh#please just let it pass#apologetically rambling#im just writing this down to just reasure myself or something#maybe foing this will help#im gonna try and sleep after this i swear
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walked in this morning snd my coworker says You're training today! and I said Oh.
#IM OT GOOD WITH POEPLEEE Eepecially not new people and#the girl im training is quiet And so am i so im like forcing mhself to be kind of outgoing Its torture.#And i also dont know how to..ask people to do things#or tell them to do something#Which is like. almost all of what training is#omfg im only 18 and shy whyy whyyy#well its not too bad actall6 hut inwas really nervous at first but im getting more used to it#but i gave to train people bc im a Team Lead#which means nothing to me except thay i know how to do my job#and a 50 cent pay increase than not being one Wow..!#i wanna sleep so bad#Only. 3 and half more hours after my break ends.#i am glad tho atkeast it is good experience for like.. interacting with people#this job in general has made me a lot better at that and less anxiety aroujd it#but im still a shy and quiet person to begin with#and i say weird things on accident#Its funny tbh hiw often i say something just like. Something that i think is regular and normal#and not suppsed to be a joke or comedic and ppl im talking to start laughing#lile not my intent but if youre happy im happy💗
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Woohooo I'm officially seeing Hozier twice this year!!! (So far lol, if another opportunity presents itself I might take it) Many thanks to the Concert Ticket Gods, I was in and out of both queues in <20 minutes 🥳🙌🏻
#now I need to actually sleep I only got a few hours. I woke up at like 7 for some reason and stayed up so I wouldn't miss my Hozier alarm 😭#this is after being awake until probably 3 🫠#I'm sooo excited though I did Not expect him to have another US tour leg and announced so soon after his holiday break???#he's moving! I hope he's getting some nice rest now though I know he looked exhausted by the end of his 2024 tour#very curious to see who will be in his band this time around as well
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Anyway how is everyone doing
#had to get up at 6 in the morning and therefore had 4 hours of sleep today (a weekly occurence pretty much)#so i just took a nap which took all evening and i'm still tired yayyyyy. because naps only work how they should about 10% of the time#and also i did nothing else today because sleep and now i'm truly wondering what to do with myself anymore#meanwhile i have to get up and go to school again tomorrow 😑 and the day after that 😑 and the day after that 😑#or i could drop out again and have nothing else to do anyway and continue rotting in my room#(whether it's my dorm room or my actual room doesn't matter). what's the pointtttttt#might be reaching some kind of limit or maybe i'm truly just dramatising and should just chill about it all#save me 4 hours of music listening now probably. idk man#got my minimal amount of social interaction today in the form of riding the elevator with 3 of the ppl from my course#when i could have (and normally would have) just taken the stairs instead#i feel like i made a big important step today that will help me later on through this year (no not really)#at least one thing i've noticed recently is that i might have the reverse of what is i guess is usually called seasonal depression#in the sense that now that it's chilly and cloudy and it gets dark earlier i feel like i'm finally LIVING in a way#the good effect of that will probably pass after a week or two though#but also just a bit over a month left now until my birthday and then my long awaited trip!!#anyone else get unreasonably excited for their birthday each year even though there's never anything special about it in the end#and that only makes the day more depressing lol#ok whatever i'm done whining now i think. music time then#celebrating (a bit late) one year of gratsax and lil beethoven today. some of the albums of all time for me personally#goosepost
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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#i mean in the nicest way possible#but like when you're in med school you truly have to have your priorities straight#bc otherwise you're going to end up doing just mediocre#and like#who wants a mediocre doctor to help them#there's some shit you have to sacrifice sometimes#sometimes its spending time doing things you like sometimes its asking for help with your responsibilities#sometimes its knowing you're gonna get an hour or two of sleep bc you have to finish doing everything you have to do#and if you're not gonna learn how to prioritize and be responsible idk if there's a point 😭#like im sorry#ik mental health is incredibly important more than anyone else#but we're training to be people who will literally have to save someones from dying at one point#us being late or us not studying or us not knowing something can literally kill someone#i just#ugh#it pisses me off how some actual friends dont take this seriously#and like oh im sleepy bc ive been doing other stuff all day im not gonna study i think#LIKE BROTHER IN CHRIST#and the worst part is like#i feel so bad saying this but we should be taking 5 classes each semester so we can get to intern year#this person is taking only 3#like bro we've literally had exam after exam every day this week#we're exhausted too#we just gotta suck it up
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