#all bow to archimedes constant

[loganslowdown4]

Happy Pi Day fellow nerds 💙🖤

[tf2strategist]

Starter headcanons!

We’re beginning with some Engie headcanons!

ENGINEER

Despite his profession, Engie is probably the sweetest team member.

Basically the team mom. Everyone loves when he and Pyro are on cooking duty for the week, because you’re guaranteed to have the best barbecued, baked, fried, or buttered foods in your life.

Dell knew from the beginning that Scout and Spy were related. He was shocked when few other members had noticed the fact, and kept it to himself.

Because of this, fatherly instinct kicked in and he treats Scout like he would a son. Scout may not respect his inventions, but Dell knows he won’t hesitate to come talk to him if he needs a shoulder to lean on.

Tell an incorrect fact anywhere in the base, and Engie will BOLT to correct you. This man has what can only be described as a spidey sense. He could be in his workshop with the door closed, you could whisper, on the other side of the base on another floor, and he would just... know.

The best way to get Engineer to sleep is to use this fact to your advantage. Utter a clearly untrue fact in his room, and watch him come running.

As amiable as Engie is, he’s still a mercenary, and a cold blooded killer at that. He’s painfully aware that he appears a friendly face to all, and is basically a child magnet when disguised as a civilian, since he’s required to ditch the glove and hat, but refuses to take off the goggles.

He’s not opposed to telling stories to the brave little ankle biters, or showing off his robotic arm (albeit shyly). But he tries to throw in a good lesson or two, or spook ‘em off after a while with his whole cyborg shtick.

In the end, Engineer just wants to make sure those kids are inspired to get an education, then take a path that ain’t his own.

Imagining the future; a public statement (or rather questioning) about why 39,000 students across the entirety of the United States, all majoring in some form of engineering, cited their inspiration as varying descriptions of a cyborg man who wanted them to share their knowledge to make the world a better place. Occasionally, Dell is approached at bars or random locations by adults and children alike, sheepishly asking if they’re the cyborg man they met when they were little, or that their big brothers and sisters told stories of. All he gives is a knowing smile and a handshake.

Engineer can’t sit still for very long. He’s always tinkering with something or fidgeting with anything that could be used for scrap or built into something else.

An insomniac, Dell has trouble falling asleep at night thanks to his constant urge to work. He won’t rest until he’s finished with his latest idea, or until he passes out from exhaustion.

The other mercs usually have to carry him to his room after a few nights in a row of this behavior, especially if he had an off day on the field because of it. Even then, there’s no guarantee you won’t find him sitting up in his bed, scribbling down his dream inventions before they fade from memory, muttering equations under his breath.

Sews stuffed animals for pyro and any other merc who wants one. Each mercenary has at least one, even spy and scout, since they were given as gifts a long time ago. Scout would never admit it, but he keeps it under his bed and cuddles it when he has a particularly bad nightmare. Spy has it on display on his shelf, perfectly polished. If he gets drunk and emotional, you’ll probably find a sobbing Frenchman wrapped around a big soft plushie on the floor.

The stuffed animals:

Scout: a little white rabbit with black buttons for eyes, and a tiny fitted headset with a mini hat perched on top. It’s velcro.

Spy: a black cat plushie with blue buttoned eyes and checkered overalls. It has a blue bow tie.

Sniper: A green felt and fabric chameleon. Has a lime -> blue -> red satin texture gradient on its tail and large black beads for eyes.

Soldier: Just. An eagle. Photorealistic eagle texture filled with stuffing. He knows.

Engie: Teddy! Cuddles teddy bear. Big bear. Very soft, very good.

Medic: a recreation of Archimedes with large cotton wings. Has a patch of red on its chest and the buttons used for its eyes are a very subtle cherry color, almost unnoticeable unless you see it in good lighting. When not being held at night, you can occasionally catch a glimpse of the birds cuddled up to it in the day, save for Archimedes himself, who keeps trying to fight it.

Heavy: Were you expecting a bear? Nope! It’s a salmon. Being filled with stuffing of course, but has a soft wooden spine linked together by string. Clatters together softly like chimes sometimes when shaken, but if you do you’re getting socked in the face by heavy. The little wooden framework allows it mobility, so that heavy can comfortably hold it during his nightmares without waking up with stiff shoulders.

Demo: a penguin with an eyepatch. About the height of his forearm with a mix of a sort of softer denim texture for the body and polyester for the spots and patterns. Has a red chiffon bow tie attached to it, and the one eye it has is a big white bead to match the accents. Definitely has a tiny scrumpy bottle. Also definitely not haunted. Certainly, without a doubt.

Pyro: The very first was a balloonicorn! A few others were based off of pyros crayon sketches of pyroland, but there’s just too many to describe! Engie can’t get enough of making the little firebug clap their hands in excitement and endearment after a bad day or stormy weather, having gifted them another soft toy for their collection.

But to pyro, Engie is the best stuffed animal of them all. Passing on the battlefield? Hug. Working in the garage? Hug. Underneath a vehicle performing maintenance? Damn right they’re getting under there somehow! Because Engie is the only one who seems to understand what they see, what they say, how they act.

Hey look buddy,

He’s an engineer.

He solves problems.

[shuttershocky]

@friendliest-human Oh boy get ready

Apologies in advance for the long post there's no Read More on mobile. I'll edit it later i promise.

So like, Team Fortress 2 is a Spy-Fi set in the 60's, where two businessmen, brothers Redmond and Blutarch Mann, wage war over the right to be the sole owners of their inheritance, which their father explicitly left for them to share.

Thing is, this war had been going on since the 1800's. The Brothers Mann had invested in both the cutting edge of technology and the greatest mercenaries on Earth in order to both extend their lifespans and kill the other.

While doing so, both men hired a woman, The Administrator, to direct their forces. Playing both sides, The Administrator locked them into a stalemate to last several generations of assassins, manipulating the brother's fortunes and amusing herself with the unending bloodsport.

Now the thing is, the world of Team Fortress isn't quite the same as ours. Australia is the single most technologically advanced country, due to it being the only source of Australium in the world. A mineral that looks exactly like a bar of gold with a man punching a kangaroo on it, exposure to Australium turned even the biggest moron into an engineering genius with massive muscles, a big mustache, and bushy chest hair in the shape of Australia. It turned, in The Administrator's words, "a nation of idiots" into the most powerful force on the planet, and she used the Mann's fortunes in order to study it and used it to create their life-extending technology.

Speaking of idiots, the current crop of mercenaries are the most unstable and ridiculous batch yet. Nine of the dumbest, deadliest men in their history, all gathered to fight over what is by the 1960's a completely worthless plot of land.

Scout is a young American (specifically Boston) guy who can barely read, loves baseball enough to go to war with a bat, and was created by God to have sex with every woman on Earth. He's not very succesful in that regard. He has a crush on the Administrator's assistant, Miss Pauling. The middle child in a large family, he learned that the only way for him to ever get attention was to arrive first and be as loud and annoying as possible. He also has the amazing ability to defy physics and double jump.

Soldier is a rocket launcher using American soldier, who is heavily brain damaged due to drinking water filled with lead. He's paranoid, violent, and very stupid, but an incredible combatant and a master of rocket jumping, or the act of shooting your feet with a rocket and riding the blast upward. His roommate was the dark wizard Merasmus, who his team must battle every Halloween. He once fought a bear naked and covered in honey, and won. He also once put the whole team in mortal danger by creating a massive bread monster.

Pyro is a mask wearing pyromaniac who terrifies everyone else. Nobody knows who they are, what they're saying, or knows what they look like under the mask. Their teammates believe they are a monster and the most cruel being on Earth. Secretly, Pyro is literally unable to comprehend violence and sees the world through rainbow lens. Their axe is a big lollipop and their enemies are baby angels, and their flamethrower is a bubble blower, and they're playing around and making friends with everyone.

Heavy is a big Russian man with a bigger minigun. He's the most normal and well-adjusted of the mercs, being a fan of Russian literature, teddy bears, and good food. He is however, prone to temper tantrums and he enjoys danger a little too much. His best friend and constant partner is the Medic. His English is slightly broken, but nobody dares make fun of it in fear of their bones getting very broken. Later on the comics introduce his little sister, who's also a gigantic woman with an even greater dangerlust than he does. She gets engaged to the Soldier after they kill a few dozen men together with their bare hands. Heavy is not pleased.

Demoman is a black, Scottish explosives expert with only one eye. Despite being a raging alcoholic, he is shown to be the most succesful of the mercs, being extremely rich and housing his mother in a giant castle. He is however, a great shame to his family, who pride themselves on losing both their eyes in battle. Despite Demoman trying his best, he's simply too good a fighter to lose his other eye in combat, and his mother berates him for this daily. He's also very skilled with a sword and shield, and can build to be a melee fighter. He lost his missing eye after discovering the Bombnomicon, Merasmus' cursed spellbook, and enchanting his eye into a bomb spewing monster. His team does battle with his haunted eye every Halloween. He and Soldier used to be best friends, but suffered a bad breakup through The Administrator's manipulation.

Engineer is the grandson of the first man the Administrator dosed with Australium. A mechanical genius from Texas, his sentry guns, teleporters, dispensers, and occasional cyborg arm are often the biggest nuisances in the game. Like the Heavy, he's quite normal and well-adjusted, although maybe TOO well-adjusted to all the bullshit.

Medic is a quack doctor from Germany whose lack of morales is only matched by the sheer insanity of whatever the fuck he's up to. Having lost his medical license ages ago, he implanted his teammates with megababoon hearts in order for them to survive the steroids his medigun hits them with (which he calls ubercharge). He once sold his soul to the devil for a pen, and then scammed him in order to revive from death. He has a pet pigeon called Archimedes that he sometimes leaves inside his teammates' bodies. He keeps the severed heads of his enemies alive and inside his fridge, where they can talk to him and beg for death. He's very close with the Heavy.

Sniper is the one Australian who doesn't sport a giant mustache and a giant chest. An extremely professional assassin, he seems alright at first... Until you realize he makes bombs out of his pee. He's very focused on his job and may be a little paranoid; one of his personal rules is to have a plan to kill absolutely every single person he ever meets. He's also skilled with a bow, and likes to fight with kukri knives.

Spy is a Frenchman with the amazing ability to shapeshift and perfectly imitate anyone's appearance, voice and mannerisms. Able to kill with a single backstab, his disguises and invisibility cloak allow him to infiltrate the enemy base and take them out from the inside. He likes to think of himself as above his teammates's bullshit, but really he's one of them in every single way. He once taught Scout how to romance a woman, after Scout begged him for help since his only pickup line was "Hey we both got buckets of chicken, wanna do it?" but it went disastrously. His relationship with Scout in general is weird since he once fucked Scout's mother. He later realizes that he may in fact be Scout's father. Knowing that Scout would both never accept him and that he had no right to call himself that, he also disguised himself as Scout's idol Tom Jones in order to comfort Scout as the younger man lay dying, while telling Scout about how he had dropped a Sex Bomb on his mother. When Scout went to heaven, the angels helped preserve the lie by snapping the real Tom Jones' neck just as Scout was about to meet him. In heaven. Since the real Tom Jones was dead. To Spy's chagrin, God raised Scout back from the dead.

There's a lot more - I haven't even touched on the third Mann Brother or Saxton Hale or Miss Pauling yet - but this should be the general gist of TF2.

[darklesmylove]

powers of deduction | cressworth

some valentines day cressworth! i wrote this because im currently on the last book and the angst is torturous so here’s some fluffy fluff for you! 

enjoy <3

tags: @city-of-fae @thomasscresswell @danieldesario @illyrianbeauty

***

Thomas Cresswell was an exceedingly hard man to buy gifts for, that much Audrey Rose could attest to. But after years of marriage, she had become a self proclaimed expert at reading him and his wants that he would never admit out loud. Sometimes even before he knew them himself.

Sir Isaac Mewton had, at first, become a reluctant addition to their partnership, but that had quickly dissolved into an unconditional love like that of a real child. Audrey Rose knew that Thomas was itching to have children of their own despite their still relatively young age, but it was at her discretion that they would decide it was time. After all, men were not the ones who had to carry a living being inside of them for nine whole miserable months.

So for Valentine's Day she had decided to get him the next best thing to tide him over until that time came.

It was heart wrenchingly difficult to select a puppy to adopt amidst all of the animals begging and hoping for a home outside of a cramped metal cage. If she could, she would have taken them all home with her.

In reality she had come away with an adorable Corgi puppy that had been so excited upon her arrival it had tripped over its tiny little legs in an effort to run to her. A shiny red bow was looped around his neck; he panted happily with its soft pink tongue lolling to the side in pure joy. At the sound of the front door opening and closing, signaling Thomas's arrival, she gathered the dog into her arms, giving him a nice scratch behind its ears to calm it down some.

"I'm home, my love!" Thomas called from the foyer with his usual cheer, making a smile curl at the corner of her mouth at his imminent reaction to her gift.

"Come join me the living room, Cresswell, I have a surprise." She bit down on her lip, excitement and nervousness  buzzing through her veins to the point that she was close to vibrating. His heavy, sure steps padded against the marble floors until he rounded the corner.

Immediately, at the sight of her holding a puppy, he froze, mouth almost comically agape.

"Happy Valentine's Day from me and Barkimedes," she grinned devilishly, Barkimedes bouncing in her arms in particularly enthusiastic emphasis. Thomas's incredulous laugh warmed her skin like sun rays on a particularly pleasant summer day. 

"Like Archimedes," he nodded with a teasing eye roll, "Making fun of my naming choices, I see." 

She tilted her head in amusement, allowing Barkimedes to jump from her lap and rush into Thomas's embrace as he opened is arms in invitation. He chuckled, sinking to his knees and allowing the puppy to attack him with incessant kisses. Of course the dog had taken to him so quickly, it seemed Thomas Cresswell could charm anyone and everyone with wicked ease.  

She could do nothing but admire her husband, his golden eyes glimmering with adoration as he cooed lovingly, messy brown locks falling into his eyes in perfect disarray. Finally, after a long few minutes of affectionate cuddling, he scooped the puppy into his arms, lazily making his way over to where she lounged on the couch.

"How did you know I wanted a puppy?" he narrowed his eyes in mock suspicion, though there was genuine curiosity behind the inquiry.

She let a smirk curve the side of her rosy lips upward in smug satisfaction. "You're not the only one with attuned powers of deduction, Cresswell." 

He regarded her as if he could ravage her based on that statement alone. 

Her giggle in response made him pout ever so slightly. Though she had no qualms about ravaging or being ravaged, it was sometimes amusing the smallest things that made him regard her in such a manner. The pout turned into a lopsided grin as he noticed her lingering stare. At the endearing look she couldn't help but soften, shifting closer and leaning against his hard frame. 

"I know you've been wanting a child, Thomas," she murmured gently, tracing a fingertip along the back of his hand, Barkimedes curling up in his lap with a contented sigh. "Until I am ready, I thought it would be appropriate to find you a different baby to take care of in the meantime."

When she looked up, she startled to see the glimmer of tears welling at the corners of his dark lashes. 

"Damn you, Audrey Rose," he chuckled almost mournfully, "You know me better than I know myself. Barkimedes will be more than sufficient until you are ready." 

A brief pause. 

"And know that I meant it when I told you that you and only you will decide when the time is right. I refuse to pressure you or try and control you and your body that I have no claim to. When you so choose, I want nothing more than to raise a child with you and be the greatest father I can possibly be. That I will promise you, Audrey Rose Cresswell."

Now her throat choked up with the threat of tears, the speech another constant reminder of just how deeply in love she was with her husband. He would never force her to obey his will, and no matter what society told him he had possession of, he would always remain her equal in both body and mind.  

A playful look quirked at his lips as he snaked an arm around her waist, a teasing sparkle in his eye. 

"Though I must add, my lovely wife, that if you decide to get me an animal every time I silently wish to have a child, we might own a zoo by the time that day comes. Sooner rather than later we'll have Aristurtle and Frederic Chirpin and a plethora of other badly named pets to take care of."

She snorted with a gentle shove against his shoulder, though it didn't take her long to get lost in his gaze, a stare of pure adoration and love that encapsulated the warmth of a thousand stars.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Thomas," she whispered, not giving him a chance to reply before her lips collided against his, so unimaginably soft it was a wonder that she ever stopped kissing him.

The only thing able to break them away was a fit of giggles at Barkimedes attacking them with kisses of his own.