#also its so embarrassing to have rsd right with it bc someone asks you to do something and you dont bc you forget about it and then they

[twelverriver]

there's something just so humiliating about having adhd to me, because someone asks you do a simple thing and you're faced with a) the challenge to remember it b) the challenge to actually do it c) the humiliation and self-loathing if you can't do a) and/or b).

[virtuousvigil]

.

i feel like im going fucking insane. my mind is being a dick and a half to me nonstop & literally like. i’ve surpassed wallowing in it i guess and have reached the point where it just pissing me tf off but it still wont stop. im so annoyed with myself and the constant hypercriticism and RSD spiral. over NOT even being rejected. like. the only one rejecting me is my fucking self and somehow its STILL flaring my RSD worse than its been since i was still living with **** and being screamed at and isolated and shit talked just because i dared to exist outside of being their live in maid/punching bag.

my brains just keeps being like “everything you make is bad.” and i counter with “no expression is bad my skills just aren’t where i want yet?” then brain replies with “well you’ll never gain those skills because you’re incompetent!” so i counter AGAIN with “i’m not incompetent actually i’m already really skilled for someone with no formal training/structure i just need more consistency?” and brain goes “mmm no you are incapable of that consistency because you’re fundamentally flawed and a failure and always will be” and i go “that’s stupid and untrue and logistically proven as such; its just extra hard bc it was never modeled for me but thats all the more reason to give it to myself???” brain reiterates “nope. you just suck and you’re embarrassing yourself and annoying others and you should give up.” so i reiterate “that’s a self destructive idea and i already gave up once for years and it still didn’t stop me from wanting to create, it just made me want to die and i don’t want to feel that way anymore?” and brain goes “yeah well you should stop anyways” and i go “why?” and brain goes “because everything you make is bad” and. we’re right back to square one.

its the equivalent of fighting a toddler at bedtime who has every excuse and reason on earth why they shouldn’t go to bed even tho they’re falling asleep mid fight.

like. just? what is this?? this stupid fucking loop??? its literally mental hell. i feel stuck in limbo & it makes me feel so small and disgusted with myself. why cant i apply the same beliefs i have about others creativity and expression and work to myself. why am i somehow the odd one out when it comes to the idea that expression is an innate right and that my ideas and art and writing are allowed to take up space. why is it that im both over the moon because ive gotten more recognition/created more in the last year than i have in 10 while also feeling perpetually like im not enough and never will be and that no one ever will see any value in what i make? why??? why can’t i accept any appreciation or compliments???? why cant my brain just let me Feel Good about Doing/Making A Thing and acknowledge that someone else actually did enjoy it?

i know none of this is uncommon. and the fact that this experience isn’t special or isolated to me should comfort me but it fucking doesn’t. it just feels inescapable and insurmountable. like i’ll never stop immediately being plagued by regret for sharing parts of myself in any way, like i’ll never be able to find joy in it. and its all such stupidly rigid black or white thinking that i KNOW isn’t true. yet it still feels like this and i still feel unworthy and like im an annoying burden for asking anyone to see what i make. even though im not even fucking asking 99% of the time im just. timidly posting. and not even enough.

and then that’s its own spiral which is paradoxical to this in EVERY way. brain yells at me to give up and stop what i love while also beating me up for NOT doing what i love and “having nothing to show”. like. PICK A FUCKING LANE do you want me to make art and write and share it or do you want me to fucking kill myself trying to be someone im not (by not doing anything creative)????

i literally have to split it in my head as brain vs me because like. it doesn’t come from me. it comes from a narrative im still unlearning from my parents and past. iiiiiiii just want to vibe and make things. my brain however wants me to die slow and miserable. at least i can say that after 10+ years of it being the opposite, at least when i do sit down to draw and write now it doesn’t fill my head with angry bees of hypercriticism and self doubt. its cathartic again, soothing. thats a win in and of itself since for so long even holding a pencil to paper made me feel small and insignificant and incapable. actually drawing or making silences the thoughts instead now, which is nice since thats a huge part of what initially made me fall in love with art (& eventually writing)—being able to busy my hands and mind enough that it took me out of other issues or thoughts, while also expressing emotions i have in a way i simply cannot otherwise.

but every in between moment is riddled with self doubt and self shame and just. essentially mentally quartering myself because as in most places of my life i feel like somehow both Too Much and Not Enough. it’s exhausting. and im tired of fighting this way with myself. im tired of feeling like i have to compare myself (to what? who knows. no one knows) and criticize myself. it doesn’t make me better. analyzing myself/my work in non-depreciating ways makes me better sure but the constant self induced criticisms and constant just… borderline bullying my own mind pukes out is destroying me. it sucks knowing full and well why this is happening, and where it stems from, but being unable to prevent or counter it effectively.

im tired. and i need to call my therapist. lol. i need help working through this cause i don’t know where to start; understanding it hasn’t solved anything. i don’t want to feel this way anymore; at least not to this intensity and this frequently, because its starting to hinder me. i keep freezing up when trying to create because the Evil Brain Thoughts start seeping in and making me avoid it even tho i know full and well that simply trudging past the muck and doing the damn thing anyways ALWAYS helps. sigh.

idk. im glad i enrolled for my fine arts degree today but it brought a lot up. especially when the advisor noted how i originally was in that program and asked me about why i switched and did LEG just to switch back & i had to explain the whole “yeah someone stole my identity and by the time that got figured out my abusive as fuck parents wormed their way in my head so bad that i did the stupid thing of trying to prove myself only to prove that i knew best & my original plan was what i needed to do all along. so now im restarting AGAIN at 28 in hopes of being able to build my life the way i want instead of building it for someone else”

it was sweet that she like. asked and talked w me about it, her eyes softened a lot (we both were masked) and i could tell she was smiling and happy to hear that i didnt give up so to speak but it was bittersweet when i got back to my car and my brains first thought was “ohhhhh you’re gonna suck so bad at this you’re gonna FAIL and then you’re gonna see that your family was right and you can never have success this way and you should just give up give up give up give up”

like. alright buddy, can you just shut the fuck up.

anyways. going to take a nap. then force myself to do SOMETHING creative when i wake up just to spite these backward ass thoughts. maybe itll help maybe itll make it worse who knows at this point i just need to do fucking something bc doing nothing only makes these thoughts 100x louder and i am fucking sick of it.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2283

i did a bunch of work today. kinda exhausted.

i attended and took notes in class, i cleaned my room and went through my wardrobe to get rid of stuff in the first real clothing purge of the last like five years, and then i did all of the assignments that were due for earth science before 6pm, which was weird for me bc i usually do them after everything else during the day. but i had time, so i did them early. i also listened to two sections of math lecture, so i can do homework for that section tomorrow, and maybe get a head start on the rest of my exhaustive list of homework for each day of the rest of the semester. quite literally, i made a list. numbered it, put in all of my assignments and when i'd do them, so i have it all laid out in front of me so i can keep to the schedule, because if i fall behind any more i will not finish the semester. but i have to, and i have to have something to show to my professor tomorrow to let her know i'm not giving up, but that instead it's my mental inertia that is really preventing me from being productive. mental inertia is what i'm calling my brain's unwillingness to do a single fuckin thing on any given day. because of the definition and practical understanding of inertia, it means though that if i want it to move, i have to move it myself. i have to push it. because that's really what i'm dealing with - an unwilling blob of disaster that has a decent ability to function if it ever gets off its ass. so i need the motivation to push that blob until it starts sliding. lots of principles of physics here: inertia, forces, static and kinetic friction. yknow, the drill.

anyway, i'm proud of myself for today, even though it feels like i missed doing stuff. breaking things down into specific details helps me, so having a day-by-day calendar that goes line by line telling me what i need to do on a given day will help me push my dumbass brain into gear. it's a variation, i suppose, on the block method of task organization andrew tells his clients about. sticky notes worked for a semester. a detailed planner worked really well for a semester. so now, straight-up pads of paper will have to work for the rest of the semester. i need to rotate my methods so i don't get complacent and ignore things, like i can easily do if things are uniform and are exactly the same. which is why a list is easier i guess, because yes it's all supposed to look the same, but it's a different visual thing than a wall of brightly-colored sticky notes that end up blending into the faded yellow wall. which is a problem i have. so. i'd like to go back to the planner thing, but that also worked best when i was on campus and not stuck at home for school stuff.

also i talked to joel a little bit today. sort of a normal interaction: he asked me if i wanted to fight, i begged for death, he said no, i said why, he gave some bullshit answer, then we changed the topic. kinda funny tbh, that's sort of our way of checking in on each other. it allows me to actually tell him how i'm feeling, and while he doesn't give up much information himself, a lot of it is supporting me and my nonsense and buffoonery as i simply exist as a ball of Anxiety™ that stress-cleans and vibrates in place as i contemplate the tasks i must complete. today was an anxiety day, so i told him. [it's nice to tell someone things about my emotional state and for them to take me and what i say at face value instead of trying to break me down into pieces of "drama" and "not drama," because that's what my mom does. if i feel too much, her first response is "what's real and what's drama," or "you're being dramatic," or some other equally bullshit gaslighting of my emotional state that's fuckin fragile in the first place. like, listen linda. "what's real" all of it. "what's drama" none of it, you moldy peach pit. i feel what i feel, and you are not allowed to tell me that what i'm feeling isn't real, so shut your mouth and sit the fuck down, you melted stick of unsalted butter.] but yeah. joel actually listens and i love the shit out of him for it.

and lastly, i watched a christmas movie. by myself. before thanksgiving. but. in my defense, it was about a struggling writer at a writing conference who ends up repeatedly unknowingly bumping into the keynote speaker, a published author of whom she happens to be a fangirl in increasingly embarrassing situations at first. and then they're paired as writing buddies for the conference, and he gives her pointers and they banter and work together and it's just really cute and the Drama occurs when he's trying to tell her he's the author but she keeps rushing to go somewhere and it's the keynote and the author walks in and it's HIM. THE DRAMA. THE BETRAYAL. THE YEARNING. and then he comes to her dad's house and surprises her on christmas day with a letter from a publisher bc her revised copy of her manuscript was really good bc of all the help he gave her and the experiences they shared and all the good stuff and she said it was basically a happy ever after, to which he replied, "i guess it is." and then she says, "so kiss me already," and points to the mistletoe above them and it's SO CUTE AND SWEET AND I ALMOST CRIED.

but anyway, i feel like a hypocrite because christmas!! shouldn't!! happen!! before!! thanksgiving!! that's!! a!! rule!! and i HATE IT when people put up christmas decorations in early november, but at this point i'm accepting that it's something that gives people joy so i really shouldn't step on that. it's just. learning to accept that people enjoy certain things and i should encourage them instead of rag on them for it. i'm not perfect. i'm still learning. and i want to be a kinder person to people, more loving and accepting and supportive, and i'm slowly overcoming my own hatred of things as i grow and distance myself further from the shit that made me this way. i'm learning! if i make a mistake please tell me gently, because i want to be better but i also have RSD and i WILL shut down and tear myself down forever if i am told harshly bc that's just how i am. i'm trying to get over it a little at a time by accepting things as time goes on, but in the meantime i need help. so that's all, i guess.

thanks for reading and for caring, i love you guys and i hope you're enjoying things that being you joy, even if other people give you shit for it. i will do my best to support you!

also if you're in the US and are of voting age and are registered and haven't already voted, GO VOTE TOMORROW. some states have same-day registration, so bring an ID and go register if you need to. this election will determine our futures - i know so many of us are in circumstances that would be harmed if we had another four years of the racist orange peel in office now, so i know many others who may straight-up die because of it. we need protections. we need to have our rights protected. we need to have our lives protected. and we can't do that with the damaged candy corn in office for any longer. he'a already fucked with us enough. we can't afford any more of it. now i'm just angry ranting. please, go vote for joe biden. politics is like public transit: if there's no train going exactly where you need to go, you don't just not get on the train. you take the one that gets you the closest, and work your way from there. that's joe biden. and, if biden does indeed win, our fights aren't over. we have people we need to protect from the conservatives and racists and white supremacists that exist goddamn everywhere. we need to keep reminding people that it's our responsibility to take care of one another in every way we can. there's a laundry list of things that needs to be fixed; unfortunately they won't happen all at once. so we have to keep fighting, no matter who's in office. VOTE.

VOTE.