#also please know there is a Gonzo too

[trekkiepirate]

They also have/had a Gonzo plane. And if you can find a NOAA scientist in the wild, there is a non-zero chance there will be at least one sticker of the muppet art on their person at any given time.

Edit: Because I found my stickers

This is especially frustrating because the only reason we know the wind speed is because NOAA's Hurricane Hunters literally fly into the hurricane and collect vital data. They fly in and out of the storm over and over in 8 hour shifts.

This brave team flies two identical Lockheed P3s called Kermit and Miss Piggy.

You can see the dangling ornaments in the videos to determine which plane they are in.

And when I say they fly into the hurricane, I mean they fly *into* the hurricane.

Here they are in the eye of Milton.

And here they are in the eye of Irma.

As you may notice, this flight was in Kermit.

So the next time you see live data about a hurricane's wind speed and pressure, just remember how that was collected and don't be a giant turd about it.

And please vote because conservatives want to kill NOAA.

[jules-makes-stuff]

Ok so I finally saw muppet's Treasure Island and Christmas Carol recently and I have a half an hour before work ends for real, so here are my thoughts on who I would cast in:

Muppet's Curse of Strahd

Strahd should be played by a human, this one point I refuse to budge on. A shakespearen theatre actor, who will play it with the complete serious sincerity the role requires. His bats are a chorus of muppets, of course, as is his horse. I'm debating on what the brides should be, but I'm leaning towards being either custom muppets or humans as well. In Ravenloft that leaves us with...

Rahadin

I feel like Sam the Eagle could do the required amount of silent judging and brooding. In Treasure Island he has proven he can play an excellent second in command as well. Now this does leave me with a question. Are ALL dusk elves eagles? Should he be wearing elf ears? I'm open to suggestions for Kazimir, as he has continued to elude me. But I do know who Patrina should be.

Patrina

No comments required.

Going a bit further to Vallaki...

Izek Strazni

They evoke the same fear in me.

Vargas Vallakovich

Fozzie has shown to be very capable of the jolly leader role, I feel like giving that a sinister edge would be such a great growing opportunity for him. Now Lydia and Victor again give me pause. Should they be humans? Should they also be bears?

Fiona Wachter

Oh now SHE has to be human, again, very serious and sinister performance.

Rudolph van Richten

HEAR ME OUT! Why have ONE grumpy old guy, when you could have two? Just imagine the running commentary. That bring us to,

Ezmerelda D'avenir

Again, I feel very confident is casting her as a human. You might say, oh? Shouldn't she be Miss Piggy? But no, I have other plans for her. There is someone very important we have not cast yet.

Tatyana/Ireena

Given the tender heartache she brought to her role in Christmas Charol, I am confident Miss Piggy could play the gentle, loving girl being hunted by the evil lord, and we all know how well she can carry a romane! Once Ireena starts to fight back, her technical skill in hand to hand combat could also shine. Now I mentioned romance, which mean we need a love interest.

Sergei von Zarovich

Kermit's sweet and honest nature would fit Sergei very well. I hear your questions and I have answers.

-But that's too small of a role! The Sun Sword and flashbacks my friend. If 50% of campaigns can do that, so can a movie. We don't worry about canon here. Also maybe Miss Piggy deserves a turn as the star!

-But Strahd isn't a frog? Yes, that's his problem. Also don't divide siblings like that, it's what's inside that counts!

-Would he sing? Brother, they ALL sing. Including Strahd.

Ismark

Again, I feel like this role should go to a human, but I'm not a 100%. I could very easily be convinced otherwise. Of equal importance as the ones before:

Blinsky and Piccolo

Again, no comments required.

I actually don't have any strong feelings on Krezk. If anyone has ideas please add them. What I do have strong feelings about is the structure of the movie. I'm sure you have noticed to absences. I feel like the movie should have a narration similar to Christmas Carol. Now who could do that? A dungeon master? Nah, that's too obvious a choice, for one. The narrator should be...

Madam Eva

If Gonzo could play Charles Dickens they can play Madam Eva, they have the range. Rizzo is an unwilling part of the adventuring party, though he tries to be part of the narration.

As for the party, and this is the second reason I did not just want a regular dm: there is no group of adventurers! Ireena, Ismark, Ezme and Rizzo take on the fight against the count, often guided by Sergei/the Sun Sword. It's time for the NPCs to get a turn!

[garden-of-lilys]

The Fantastic Four: First Steps, but with Muppets

Welcome back to the second installment of -But With Muppets! Since my Hamilton, but with Muppets post was such a hit (thanks for all 14 of those notes), I wanted to do another! So here is my cast of Fantastic Four: First Steps, but with Muppets! (Explanations will be below the list)

Reed Richards: Kermit

Sue Storm: Miss Piggy

Johnny Storm: Gonzo

Ben Grimm: Rowlf

Franklin: A Real Baby

Galactus: Animal

Shalla-Bal: Camilla

Lynne Nichols: Janice

Ted Gilbert: Fozzie Bear

Rachel Rozzman: Afghan Hound

Mole Man: Mr. Mole

H.E.R.B.I.E.: 80s Robot

Explanation Below

Starting off with our core four, these first few casting choices felt pretty self-explanatory. Kermit would just fit the role of Reed Richards so well. He is kind of a nervous genius like Reed, and he is very caring about his family and friends. Also, I feel like the conversation Reed and Sue have when trying to find a way to stop Galactus had very similar vibes to the Kermit and Miss Piggy arguments/confrontations in the more recent Muppet movies. This brings us to Miss Piggy as Sue Storm. I think this role would be great for Miss Piggy because we would get to see her playing a more serious role, and we'd see how versatile she truly is. Also, who else would be Kermit's wife??? Next, Johnny Storm will be played by Gonzo. I decided on this because of Gonzo's association with space correlating well with Johnny's romance with the Silver Surfer. Along with this, I read that the actor for Johnny wanted to get rid of some of his characters womanizing tendencies, and I think Gonzo's portrayal would continue to make steps away from those actions and lean into more innocent displays of affection. Then, we have Rowlf as Ben Grimm. One aspect of Rowlf that I feel gets overlooked a lot is his relationship with Kermit. Rowlf has regularly provided a grounding presence for Kermit, along with giving him advice and reassurance when he needs it. This fits well with Reed and Ben being close friends (also on a meta note, Rowlf being a live hand puppet means he can hold, pick up, and throw stuff). Lastly, making Franklin a real baby might seem like a lazy decision, but I just think it would be funny for two Muppets to have a human child, and Muppets is all about leaning into the camp and running jokes.

Next, Shalla-Bal and Galactus. I made Shalla-Bal Camilla because of her obvious ties to Gonzo, who will be our Johnny Storm, but also because she speaks in a language that no one can quite understand except Gonzo. Galactus will be played by Animal. This feels self explanatory, so I'm just gonna say that author Christopher Finch called Animal "the ultimate representation of a long line of Muppets who personify unbridled appetite."

Now for the side characters! The CEO of the Future Foundation, Lynne Nichols, will be played by Janice because I don't know any Muppets who love peace and tranquility more than her. Ted Gilbert, the talk show host, will be portrayed by Fozzie Bear because I'm convinced the scene at the end of the movie where he hypes up the Fantastic Four being on the show and then they aren't there is a bit that has happened to Fozzie in some form of Muppet media. Rachel Rozzman is the Afghan Hound (deep cut, I know) because who else would Rowlf fall in love with other than another dog? Mole Man will be Mr. Mole from Elmo the Musical (I know, another deep cut). Lastly, H.E.R.B.I.E. will be played by the 80s Robot from the Muppets (2011) because I literally saw H.E.R.B.I.E. and immediately was like "oh that's just 80s Robot from Muppets," also bro is way too underrated.

So there's my Muppet casting of Fantastic Four: First Steps. It's definitely a smaller list than last time, but they can't all be Hamilton so it's whatever. If y'all have any ideas or recommendations for future cast lists, feel free to lmk, and please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments (just please be considerate). Thanks for reading!!!

[statleragainstposers]

NEW DNI, OLD ME!

Abandon all lies, ye who enter here...

Greetings, and welcome to my blog (or my sanctum, as I would have it be referred). It is open to all who would follow the pursuit of TRUE Rationality and OBJECTIVE reality. A veritable Library of Alexandria for studious minds.

That being said, I do have my rules, and you WILL respect them. They are as follows:

DNI IF YOU:

- You are homophobic, racist, or prejudicial in any regard.

- Especially if you are a Terf. FUCK OFF ROWLING-ITES.

- Do not believe in the pursuit of scholarly insight.

- Posses an ego beyond your abilities (being smug is a right reserved for the enlightened -smirks-)

- Are a follower of the Croaker, my arch nemesis.

- Are Athena or a Gonzo kin.

- Are not an alien truther.

- Are a minor below the age of 18.

- Are a priest or someone studying priesthood.

- Follow Elon Musk on the site formerly known as "Twitter"

- Listen to Joe Rogan or any of his ilk.

- Are not a fan of classic rock.

- Voted for Donald Trump in the last election, or ever really.

- Can't understand my genius comedy.

- Think shifting is dumb or fake (we believe in real facts here)

- Think the Astral Plane is dumb or fake (see above)

- Are in a cult.

- Are a Shin Megami Tensei player.

- Have not read my AO3 fic.

- Are a "SuperWhoLock".

- Are employed like the capitalist scum you are.

- And finally, if you are mean to Milton (I will hunt you)

If you break these rules you will be EXPELLED

Also, The Croaker is NOT on my DNI for a REASON.

I know you are reading my blog, Kermit, so eat up all my epic heckling and consider yourself OWNED.

And one last note:

Please do not ask me about Waldorf, he is dead to me after he went after that HUSSY.

Also, do not send me asks about any "contradictions" I make because they do not exist. You are simply too small brained to understand my GENIUS.

Anyway, that is my introduction, please read it thoughroughly as to not embarrass yourself.

~ Sincerely, Statler.

[libbys-braincell-loss]

hear me out yall

les mis. as muppets

jean valjean and javert are the humans but like everyone else is a muppet

and yknow what fuck it, fantines a human too

Kermit is Marius, Miss Piggy is Cosette, and for a bit i struggled to decide but i decided that Eponine would be played by Denise (idk shit abt denise i just know she was kermits love interest when he and piggy broke up for a bit, and i find it so funny cuz. Another pig)

The student gang would be Gonzo as Enjolras, and Fozzie as Grantaire.

Who would be the other students, you ask?

The rats.

Rizzo can be whoever he wishes to be, but the rest of the student gang are all the rats.

If the rats arent your fancy, then instead we could have Sam the Eagle as Feuilly, Rowlf as Joly, Scooter as Lesgles, Pepe the King Prawn as Courfeyrac, Animal as Combeferre, Walter as Prouvaire

But the student gang being all rats is insanely funny to me

Gavroche would either be Robin the frog, Bean the rabbit, or a human child. All would be equally heartbreaking i think

The little girls representing Young Cosette and Young Eponine would have to be like. miss piggy's nieces that are shown in muppet christmas carol. Or a muppet specifically made to be young Denise/Eponine

The Thenardiers would obvi be Statler and Waldorf. Idk who is representing Monsier or Madame, but it doesnt matter. They should also be able to rob corpses together

The Thenardier gang could be Electric Mayhem, but i also see the Electric Mayhem playing the music for the show off to the side

Beauregard the janitor is the old man who gets run over by a cart

Dr. Honeydew can be the Bishop (and Beaker can provide background vocals to his music)

if theres any other characters i missed lmk but these are all the ones i believe are most significant

The visual makes me chuckle so hard, jim henson studios hire me please

[louwhose]

Gotta Make Summer Last

Chapter Ten: Piercing Tales | Read below or on AO3

“Um. Here’s the chart you asked for, Captain. If you really want it. If you can even call that a chart.”

Tetra felt her eyebrows raise higher with each additional unnecessary sentence Mako tacked on. But he did bring the chart she had asked for, so she couldn’t complain too much.

She took the chart from him and rolled it out flat on the deck so she could better look at it. In the center was a rendition of the ship she had seen last week, with each phase of the moon listed next to the name of an island. Waning half, Bomb Island. That was the one she had seen. She skimmed over the others—waning gibbous, Diamond Steppe; waning crescent, Spectacle Island; waxing crescent, Five Star Isles; waxing half, Star Belt; waxing gibbous, Greatfish Isle—before her eyes finally landed on Full, Crescent Island.

Oh, that was promising indeed.

Gonzo was scowling the entire time. “I don’t see why you want to do this, Captain.”

“Well, I am the captain and therefore get to make the decisions, don’t I? Unless I’m not really?”

He grunted. “No, that’s not it.”

“Do you have any better plans for looting a ship that hopefully has a remarkable, centuries-old treasure?”

He remained silent.

Tetra turned back to the chart. “Thought so.”

“And Windfall? Why are we going there?”

So he was questioning some things. She supposed she couldn’t protest too much, because he didn’t know her well enough to trust her despite her young age.

“I’m not going to get close to a potentially hostile ship without having a good way to defend myself.”

“The entire ship is a ghost! We won’t be able to hurt it if we tried.”

Why were sailors on the whole such an insufferably superstitious lot? “Then I’ll be over-prepared. If this is about you not liking anything potentially violent, I’m sure we could arrange for you to stay on Windfall if you don’t want to come with us.”

“That’s not the only thing, Captain,” Mako said. She glanced up at him, and could have sworn he was shivering. On this sweltering summer day. “You know why they made those charts so that sailors could avoid the Ghost Ship? Because people were dying when they encountered it!”

It was probably only a rumor with no basis, but his words did put a chill down her spine. That did seem interesting, certainly, but… she also didn’t really love the idea of testing anything too strongly with death on the line. Danger was one thing, but death…?

“People were disappearing, not dying!”

“Disappearing out in the middle of the ocean can’t mean much more than death, though, can it?”

Well, this wouldn’t do.

Tetra huffed and crossed her arms. “Will someone please tell me what, exactly, the tales and rumors about the Ghost Ship are? So that way I can decide for myself if it’s worth the risk of pursuing?”

They glanced at each other. “Get Senza. He can tell the story best.”

-

Link came along with Senza, too. Because apparently the man had decided to tackle the challenge of taming his wild mess of curls… but it didn’t look like he’d had much success so far. Which was fine. Some feral hair was the closest thing that he had to looking like a proper pirate.

“The Tale of the Ghost Ship, huh?”

Link shivered, but he leaned forward slightly, somehow already entranced with the story. He really did love legends, didn’t he?

And besides, his reactions to it would make this more interesting than feeling too dramatic. Tetra looked away to hide her smile.

“The Ghost Ship was once a grand vessel. There was no royal family ruling these seas at the time it sailed the way most might, but it very well could have carried them if there were. As it was, it catered to the very rich, and on its final earthly voyage it held four sisters travelling to meet four brothers they hoped they could marry.”

She scowled. “Why do the girls have to be wanting to get married?”

“What?”

“She’s right,” Link piped up. “Girls are given something dumb like wanting to be married in stories like this way more often than guys are.”

Senza scowled. “It’s just a story. I’m just telling it to you the way it is. Now, do you want to hear it or not?”

He nodded.

Tetra looked away and muttered, “It’s still dumb.”

Link glanced at her. “It’s a story. I doubt it’s exactly brimming with factual accuracy in the best of cases.”

She shut up, mostly just because he was right. And she was the one who had asked to hear all there was to know about the Ghost Ship.

“The Cubus sisters were less than a day from their destination when a terrible typhoon struck and sunk their ship down to the depths of the ocean, where they were drowned and trapped within its confines.”

Well, they were dead, so maybe it didn’t matter why they were on the ship in the first place. Perhaps this story wasn’t irredeemable after all.

“But the Cubus sisters were no ordinary girls. They were descended from a long line of sea witches, with more magic than blood flowing through their veins. So they persisted after death, and, bemoaning the loss of their loves, their grief gave rise to the persisting memory of that great ship so they could sail the seas in search of them.”

Or maybe she had thought it was redeemable too soon. “Lost loves? Didn’t you say that they hadn’t even met the guys yet?”

More than one pair of eyes glared at her. Tetra rolled her eyes. “Right, right, it’s a dumb story. Please, continue.”

“However, they had poured so much of their magic into the memory of the ship that they no longer could leave it, not even once they had arrived at their original destination, because the men refused to set foot on the cursed vessel.

“Full of rage as well as grief, they began to sail the seas. If the ship rose at night, the beauty of the moon and stars would delude them to thinking they were spending a romantic evening with their beloveds. But if the sun was shining over the waves, nothing let them forget their vengeance, and they cast out a fog to capture nearby ships, making the men aboard pay for the crimes of the men who wronged them, never to be heard from again.”

She snorted. “Of course it’s gonna villainize the women over a petty reason.” She sighed. “But regardless, it sounds like it’s alright as long as we avoid them in the daytime, isn’t it?”

Mako sighed. “That’s where it’s difficult to avoid, because you never know if they’re going to appear or not. But if you do… there’s a rumor…”

“I thought Senza was going to tell me all the rumors.”

“I told you the story,” Senza muttered. “But it’s hard to put a finite amount of rumors to anything.”

“Besides, he doesn’t care as much about the charts!” Mako complained.

Tetra raised an eyebrow. “Charts? We already have the Ghost Ship chart, don’t we?”

“Everyone has it. But there’s a rumor that there’s certain dangers that follow the fog of the ship in the sea. If someone could map it out…”

She grunted. “Good luck with that. I’m going after it at nighttime. The chances of that seem better. Now, storytime’s over. Everyone get back to your tasks.”

Link raised his hand.

She looked flatly at him. “This isn’t class and I’m not your teacher, Link. Spit it out.”

“Oh.” His cheeks flushed as he lowered his hand. “Uh, I just finished swabbing the deck a little bit ago.”

“Then clearly that doesn’t apply to you. Unless you need a new assignment?”

He shook his head, and sat down next to her, looking at the chart alongside her. “So… you think the ship has lots of treasure?”

Tetra grinned. “Wow! I never thought I’d see the day, but two weeks on the Wind’s Pleasure and you’re already starting to sound like a pirate!”

His hands shot up to cover his head. “Oh, please don’t tell Grandma!”

“How would I even tell her anyway? I don’t know her.”

“Oh, right.” He hummed. “So, what’s the plan exactly, once we do find the ship?”

“Get on board. Shoot it if we have to. Grab the treasure. Hopefully fight some ghosts.” She side-eyed him. “You gonna go with me?”

“I mean…” Link rocked back and forth. “Well, I hope there isn’t anything we actually have to fight, but sure. Gotta do at least one properly pirate-like thing while I’m on a pirate ship for once, right?”

She smirked. “Now all we gotta do is get you the appearance to go along with such words.”

His grin withered into a scowl. “I’m not getting my eye stabbed so that I can have an eye-patch.”

“Well, duh.”

“Or my leg cut off so it can be a peg instead.”

“What do you take me for?”

“And definitely no tattoos.”

“Oh. Didn’t even think of that one.”

His eyes widened so much that they were bulging like a fish’s. “Tetra!”

Tetra couldn’t help but laugh at his reaction. “Sorry, but you’re so fun to tease! I had in mind something more tame than that.”

“And it doesn’t involve stitches?” he asked, still looking skeptical.

“No,” she assured him. “Though… it will wound you a bit.”

-

“Senza?” Link asked. “What do you need him for? Are you going to give me bruises and a split lip?”

“I told you there won’t be any stitches required.”

He groaned. “Just bruises then?”

Tetra rolled her eyes and turned to Senza. “Show him.”

He pulled out a needle.

“I thought you said no stitches.”

“And there won’t be!” She pointed at her own ears. “Did you notice I’ve gotten more piercings since we’ve come aboard?”

Link shook his head. “Was I supposed to count the number of earrings you have? Besides, you had several before, didn’t you?”

It sounded like he had counted at one point, at least. “Yeah, but Ma would only let me get lobe piercings, not cartilage. Senza helped me get them.”

“Why did you want that?”

“Because it’s cool and pirates have them.” She felt like the point was stronger with Senza nodding along. “Now, not that you have to just ‘cuz I said you ought ta, but wanna get a piercing?”

“A cartilage piercing?”

She shrugged. “If you want. Or lobe is fine. Even just on one ear if you want.”

Link leaned back and looked at the sky as he hummed. “I dunno what Grandma would think of me getting a piercing.”

“Has she ever said you couldn’t?”

He shook his head.

“Then don’t worry about her opinion on the matter.”

He brought his gaze down just enough so that he could meet her eyes. “What would you have said if I’d said yes?”

“That an almost-teenager ought to rebel far more than you clearly have.”

“I mean… I’ve already run away from home.”

Tetra raised an eyebrow. “You were complaining the entire time. And I had to be the one to convince you to stay.”

“Fine!” Link shot up to his feet and walked over to Senza. “I’ll get the piercings. Two lobe, two cartilage.”

She grinned. He was fun to tease.

Of course, Senza—adult far more responsible than her—didn’t seem quite so keen. “You sure? I mean, you’ve never had a piercing before. Why don’t you start off with one on each ear first and see how you like it?”

He took a deep breath and flexed his hands, glancing back at Tetra. Like he needed her approval.

Well, she had kind of goaded that reaction out of him by saying he wasn’t rebellious at all. Which wasn’t quite true. So she waved her hand. “Like I said, it doesn’t really matter how many you get.”

He grinned at her. “I think your attempts to be nice are getting better. You’ve hardly treated me harshly since we’ve boarded this ship.”

She scowled at him. But she couldn’t quite bring herself to say the threat that she wanted: that she could easily start treating him far worse. No, she was afraid she was quickly growing fond enough of him that she couldn’t actually be mean to him with any kind of intention anymore.

Ugh, if only Daddy were here to be proud about it instead of Link just embarrassing her in front of her pirate crew.

His smile was shortly replaced by screams as he got his lobes pierced.

“Ow…” Link moaned, reaching up to his ears.

“Try not to touch them too much,” Senza told him, diving into a spiel about everything he needed to do to take care of them until they healed.

Tetra saw him reaching up to try to touch them several more times after that, but stopped himself every time. Finally, she figured he was just curious about it. He seemed the type. He deserved to at least see it.

She grabbed a small handheld mirror that she had snatched from the royal villa (once she had learned that it belonged the royal family, she no longer felt any guilt whatsoever nabbing stuff from there, not when it would have all belonged to her one day already) and all but shoved it in Link’s face.

He jerked back at the sudden movement in his face. “What?”

“A mirror.” She lowered it so he could take it more easily. “So you can see what your earrings look like.”

He took it and turned his head from one side to the other, grin spreading across his face. “I think I do like it. I actually look a little bit like a pirate. Maybe now I finally belong aboard.”

Tetra rolled her eyes. “You already did.”

[thatlenguy]

If awbtl was made into a muppet remake which muppets would play which characters and who would be the token human actor

oh god . I've put too much thought into this. I am decidedly a muppets casual please go easy on me if I've broken any of the Muppet laws. Full thing under the cut

J would probably be the token human- J is a normal person from earth cast into a captalist hell world with a bigass robot in it. That strikes me as very token human in a muppets movie. No clue who would play J. I don't know actors.

One would be Gonzo. My reasons-

-would start a game of life feud with someone due to dumb luck

-blue

-vaguely nonbinary

-unclear species

Midas & Lisa would be Statler & Waldorf- I think it would be fun to imagine them heckling people together. Midas's like the provincial champion of complaining and Lisa desperately needs an outlet for her lawyer anxieties (anxieties that lawyers have). Also they're the two most humanish muppets I can think of. Also they're both pairs of old people.

Archer would be Animal but I don't feel like elaborating on that. Paul would be Fozzie or some other, more secret muppet, that they only tell you about if you watch every film ten times in a row.

Aleks would be Kermit, Evlyn would be Miss Piggy. They'll be fine. They're a perfect couple. Both pairings are also green and pink! Aleks is also Kermit because they both seem sad and pathetic. Wait Kermit I didn't mean that I'm sorry mr. The frog.

Ed and Bel would be bunsen and beaker. They both have the rectangle and circle. Thing. And they're nigh inseperable- or would be if they weren't in capitalist hell world.

Bard suggested Pathos could be some spider from a Muppet Christmas Carol, but I didn't know who that was so my brain went straight to PATHOS IS THE AMERICAN EAGLE. just leaving you with that thought. Good night.

[cipheramnesia]

Hola Cipher , I know I come for help a lot but you give very good horror movie recs and we crave some good entertainment, maybe a bit of catharsis and a good scare.

Anything you might rec? :3 please?

There's a lot of new stuff I haven't been able to get to, but Infested is an incredible killer spider movie. It really hits on all cylinders in terms of depth, popcorn watchability, beautiful cinematography, and banger effects work.

Time Addicts is more scifi than horror but I think it has some horror elements, plus it's delightfully bizarre. Just dive right in, dont find out any of the plot. Best enjoyed incoherently.

Death Machine is up on Tubi, and that's one of those must-see movies. Get on and watch it before the rights fall back into limbo. Hardware too if you can find it. Two gonzo practical effect killer robot movies.

You could also go back to school but make it queer with Seance or Departing Seniors, or try the rural experiences of Lowlifes and The Ranger. Or get that warm fuzzy found family but they're murderers feel with Abigail or The Aggression Scale.

[daincrediblegg]

I need to see a scene, any scene, with the hard cast muppets for the Terror. Please.

Even if it's just a gag that isn't story relevant. Please.

*takes a fat hit from a blunt*

Can you fucking imagine the punished as a boy scene with Hickey but every time the whip cracks all the muppets flinch like "ooh that's gotta hurt" and "I can't watch it's too horrible" (and some stuffing comes flying off him for FULL immersion). Just the thought of Kermit having to say "All hands assemble for punishment. For the crimes of insubordination, neglect of duty, disrespect, brutality, kidnapping and dirtiness, Petty Officer Cornelius Hickey will be flogged thirty lashes as a boy" brings so much serotonin to me but then ofc Lieutenant Rizzo turns to Gonzo Goodsir like "Punished as a boy? What does that mean?" and Gonzo goes "oh I can't watch. this is too horrible for my delicate victorian sensibilities" "AREN'T YOU A DOCTOR? DIDN'T YOU CUT A GUY OPEN IN THE FIRST EPISODE?" "THAT'S DIFFERENT RIZZO"

Afterward Rizzo goes "wow they really did that in those days? Man. Talk about capital punishment. How's he going to sit down? That's gotta hurt"

Then at some point after Kermit keeps saying "again" Fozzy Fitzjames says "Hey Francis don't you think he's had enough?" and Kermit Crozier says "He has to learn who's in charge around here, you know? Hm. Again."

Also Sweetums is the one whipping him because I think it's funny. Thank you and goodnight

[gaybd1]

Chris watches the muppet Christmas carol for the first time

full disclosure I have been imbibing alcohol as I tend to do for these things lol

I know this thing slaps and I actually have no idea how I’ve never seen this, I didn’t grow up in a particularly muppets-appreciating household I guess??

I don’t have the clearest memory of how the story goes aside from major plot points either so this should be fun

oh no someone’s being stolen

god my immediate reaction is we need more of these and we should just make a muppets version of every literature classic

Charles dickens, that guys gonzo right? I swear I know most of their names bc I watched Sesame Street as a kid

Right? All these guys are in Sesame Street?

ooooo the marleys, don’t remember the dead marleys, how intriguing

Ohhhhh it’s a MUSICAL?!?! the SMILE that just came across my face…

I know who plays Scrooge but I do love that we haven’t seen his face yet. Adds to the … worldbuilding? lol. And mystery

omg this is deep I’ve never considered Scrooge a victim of anything

I’m sorry I’m like five minutes into this and losing my mind at how much of a masterpiece this is

Ah face reveal. I’m sorry I’m like a huge Michael Caine stan

Wait what if he killed the marleys like as far as I remember that’s not what happened but WHAT IF HE DID

Okay real question is Scrooge canonically Jewish bc I’ve always had kind of an antisemitic caricature vibe about him which then would actually totally excuse his not celebrating Christmas

These bookkeepers are great

Fred lol

I do get an angry repressed gay vibe from Scrooge maybe he’s be less grumpy if he got a bf

Jacob and Robert Marley were OBVIOUSLY gay married and Scrooge wanted to be their third but never got up the guts to make it happen

Also they probably loved Christmas and so….

Okay I mean I see now that they are muppets and he is not so uh

I also see that they clearly do not love Christmas

What’s with the chains

Oh yeah I remember

Anyway yeah that scene w those guys was creepy

Where’s miss piggy, man ain’t she a muppet

I love the like narrator voyeurism going on

Omg tHIS GHOST IS CREEPY AF

It’s been a few minutes and I still don’t want to look at her

I’ve always been obsessed w how he did all this traveling in his nightie lol

His name is ebenezer so why do his school friends have such top-10 English names like Michael … more evidence for my theory…

Oh there’s a girl … yeah right…

“I love you” “you did once” OOF yeah he must be fully gay now I see the way he’s looking at her

I don’t care about this song at all move on please

And not a fan of old Scrooge singing with her

I’m sorry not to be heterophobic but this song seems to disrupt the whole vibe of the movie anyway

Next ghost is less creepy at least

I like the weird amusement Scrooge has about him

This song is good

The happiness Scrooge is slowly starting to show aww

this Santa Christmas ghost is definitely high off something

Oh yay Kermit cratchit is married to miss piggy. And their kids are so cute

God bless us, every one!

Wtf Santa’s all old now??

Lol remember having to start your life again every morning and dying every night

WTF WHY IS THIS NEXT GHOST SO SCARY TOO I’m starting to realize why my parents didn’t show this to me when I was a kid lol I was such a baby about creepy shit and STILL AM

And WTF IS THIS SPIDER THING idk if I like this movie so much anymore lol

Really love how accurate and faithful this is and it’s FOR KIDS/families

A Christmas Carol is actually about the journey of accepting one’s queer identity. In this essay I will

But it also really does feel like converting that poor Jewish man to Christmas-ianity omg I’ll have to check up on that

That turkey got a FAT ASS DAYUM

Buying the bookkeepers coal like I know they asked for it and it’s useful but it’s actually so funny

Fred’s wife looks 15 years old yikes

Why would Scrooge fuck w bob like that lmaooo

okay yeah that was cute though I’m glad I saw it

[onefey]

YOOOOOO THAT SHIT IS SOO COOL MORE INFO PLEASE

(referring to this) ask and ye shall receive, heres some stuff i had written down for the concept;

era of hyrule's rebirth:

they're hylian and not lokomo because i'm very fond of ingo and emmet as Just Some Weird Guys and not particularly magical... you could call them "honorary lokomos" though!

they are able to see ghosts (ie zelda)! when it comes to ghosts or spirits, ingo is usually the first to spot them, and he points them out to emmet.

emmet is fond of skulltullas, and skulltullas are fond of emmet! travelling through wooded areas or caves, they'll drop down to say hello to him (crawl on him) instead of attacking.

(^princess zelda was not happy to find out emmet is a spider magnet)

chancellor cole found both of them obnoxious, and was loud about this fact. the feeling was mutual.

era of the great voyage:

ingo arrives post-byrne. anjean doesn't like to talk about byrne, so ingo isn't quite sure what happened to anjean's "real apprentice."

(and byrne, when he finds out, is not too happy about being "replaced".)

ingo plays the shakuhachi flute because the regular and pan flute were already taken by other lokomos; also, it's similar to the celestica flute (at least in the sense of how its held)

ingo finds a lot of people in the past familiar -- link, tetra, gonzo, etc -- but can't quite put his finger on why.

he knows for sure he knows anjean somehow, but she doesn't know him, so they can't have actually met before... right?

[watchathon]

Halloween Special: Muppets Haunted Mansion

...Y’know, I had a plan for what the Halloween Special would be this year. I had a plan as far back as the day I did last year’s Halloween Special. I was going to cover the scariest movie to be covered on this blog so far, a legitimate horror that would haunt my nightmares for who knows how long, and you would have all gotten to be entertained by my reaction to it. But then, Disney just had to ruin it, didn’t they? Disney just had to announce a special that I would have no choice but to cover. Disney just had to announce…

Muppets Haunted Mansion.

Muppets. Haunted Mansion. They announced a crossover between my favorite Disney-owned property and my favorite Disney Parks ride, both a brand-new Muppets special and a second attempt at adapting the Haunted Mansion, the only reason this isn’t literally straight out of my wildest dreams is because it never even occurred to me I could have both those things at once, and what was I supposed to do then? Wait until next year to cover it? 

No no no, my prior plans are what’ll be waiting until next year, because there’s not a chance that I’ll let this go by without gushing about it to all my followers!

Welcome, foolish mortals! I present to you my review of Muppets Haunted Mansion, a title that I still can’t believe I just typed!

This… was the best Muppets project since Muppets Most Wanted. Maybe even better than that. And certainly, it’s infinitely better than the last Haunted Mansion movie.

This special is clearly made with passion by people who not only love the Muppets, but also love the Haunted Mansion. There’s dialogue (specifically from the Ghost Host), scenes and even background music taken directly from the ride. While Grim Grinning Ghosts is unfortunately not present, a portion from it is used to end the song Rest in Peace. Heck, there’s even a reference to how the ride’s constantly-moving Omnimover system needs to stop whenever a disabled guest gets on, when Statler and Waldorf’s Doom Buggy stops in the middle of Life Hereafter with a “please remain seated” spiel very reminiscent of (perhaps even taken directly from?) the spiel from the ride.

Or, in an ingenious nod to both the ride and the original Muppet Show, the ride’s famous Grand Hall scene is combined with the recurring skit At the Dance from the Muppet Show.

Not to mention how Madame Pigota’s maid Kimmy is a cameo of Kim Irvine, prominent Imagineer and daughter of Leota Toombs Thomas, who was the face and namesake of the ride’s Madame Leota.

But it’s not just the loving nods towards my favorite Disney Parks ride that make me love this special. I raised an eyebrow when I heard on the Muppet History Podcast that Disney gave the crew a shorter runtime than they were hoping for because I thought it might result in a rushed pace, but on the contrary, this was paced perfectly. It never lingers too long on a scene, but those scenes still get room to breathe, and it’s not rushing from gag to gag like I feared it might.

And the writing is on par with the Muppets at their best. Call it recency bias, but I would honestly put this on par with stuff like Muppets Treasure Island and The Muppets (2011). Maybe not quite as good as The Muppet Christmas Carol and The Great Muppet Caper, but that would be a very high bar to clear.

It’s definitely superior to the previous Gonzo-focused movie, Muppets From Space. Not that that was a horrible movie, but it didn’t have quite as many great jokes as other Muppet movies do, and its portrayal of Gonzo as deeply insecure over his weirdness felt like a betrayal of a character who had previously seemed perfectly fine with being his bizarre self, even if there was nobody else quite like him.

Here, Gonzo is proud to be himself, openly enthusiastic about the spookiness of the Haunted Mansion, and while he is ultimately forced to admit that he isn’t as fearless as he likes to present himself as (under threat of being trapped in Room 999 for all eternity), he still comes away from the Mansion at the end of the movie having loved how terrifying it all was.

All in all, this was a great Muppet special, doubling as a great adaptation of the beloved Haunted Mansion. It was evidently made with passion by people who understand and love both those things, and know how to combine them perfectly. I’m definitely going to be watching this again tonight as I celebrate Halloween Night, and I could see myself making this a Halloween tradition of mine. 

...But there’s no dead body in the stretching room scene, so 0/10.

[dindjarins04]

CHAPTER THREE

I AM NO JEDI MASTERLIST

Still curled up on the small chair in Padme's living area, Anakin paces back and forth. He sighs and stops in the middle of the room while you calmly respond to the onslaught of Qui-Gon's messages.

"It's too quiet,"

"That's a good thing," You reply. "I'd rather not have to deal with blasters," You look and see him looking down at you. "Perhaps if you sat down, you wouldn't be so anxious,"

"Can you at least pay some attention to me rather than your holopad?" He asks with a huff. You roll your eyes and place it down.

"You're such a child,"

"Maybe I just need a distraction,"

"Oh and I'm the perfect fit for your distraction?" You tease as he sits down in the chair opposite you.

"Yes," He says. "So...why do you think we weren't allowed to see each other for 10 years?"

"Well, those 10 years were the most vital part of our training, maybe we were just too busy with training to make friends," You shrug as you stand to pour yourself a glass of water. Anakin stays silent as he thinks of different reasons for the Jedi keeping you separate. "Enough about us...what's your story with Padme?" You cringe at yourself. Smooth, (Y/N), that was real smooth.

"We met on Tatooine, I saved her planet and that's it," You quirk a brow and turn around, leaning against the table you got your water from.

"Really? I thought you two had something more, considering the way you talk to her," You say, sipping your water.

"Heh, jealous?" You choke on the water at the question.

"That's absurd," Anakin chuckles and shakes his head.

"Whatever you say, princess,"

"Quiet, mudscuffer," Then, Obi-Wan strolls in.

"Captain Typho has more than enough men downstairs. No assassin will try that way. Any activity up here?" He asks as you move back to your holopad to send your last couple of messages to your master.

"Quiet as a tomb. I don't like just waiting here for something to happen to her," Anakin complains as Obi-Wan checks a palm-sized view scanner he has pulled out of his utility belt. It shows a shot of R2 by the door, but no sign of Padme on the bed.

"What's going on?" Obi-Wan asks.

"She covered that camera. I don't think she liked us watching her," You roll your eyes.

"What is she thinking?"

"Actually, all of this was (Y/N)'s idea," You look to see the men staring at you.

"I programmed R2 to warn us if there's an intruder,"

"It's not an intruder I'm worried about. There are many other ways to kill a Senator,"

"I know, but we also want to catch this assassin. Don't we, master Jedi?" You respond with a smirk.

"You're using her as bait??"

"It was her idea... No harm will come to her,"

"I can sense everything going on in that room. Trust me," Anakin adds on as you finish your last message and put down your holopad.

"It's too risky... and your senses aren't that attuned, young apprentice,"

"And yours are?"

"Possibly," You roll your eyes at the duo.

"You know, I can sense everything too, Qui-Gon has been teaching me well,"

"I do not disagree, I was his padawan as well," Obi-Wan says as he moves to look out of the window.

"The water is empty, I'll get some more, comm me if anything happens," Obi-Wan nods as Anakin walks beside him.

"You look tired," Obi-Wan states as he examines Anakin.

"I don't sleep well, anymore," He responds truthfully.

"Because of your mother?"

"I don't know why I keep dreaming about her now. I haven't seen her since I was little,"

"Dreams pass in time,"

"I'd rather dream of (Y/N). Just being around her again is...intoxicating," He smiles to himself but Obi-Wan gives him a look of disapproval.

"Mind your thoughts, Anakin, they betray you. You and (Y/N) have made a commitment to the Jedi order... a commitment not easily broken...and remember she is also a Jedi,"

"I understand Master...but there's just something about her. Being around her again...it brings a forgotten but familiar feeling back," Anakin grins, gently touching his chest.

"Anakin, (Y/N) is already on thin ice with the Jedi Council, please don't try and ruin this for her," Anakin looks up at his master.

"I...I won't," You return with a sigh.

"I couldn't get any water!" You exclaim. "Too many procedures to fill up one jug of water," You sigh placing it down. "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?" Anakin and Obi-Wan share a discreet glance.

"No, it's been very quiet," Obi-Wan answers to Anakin's relief. But then, you all stop and look at each other.

"Is it just me?"

"No, I can sense it too," All three of you run and burst into Padme's room. Two creatures stand on their hind legs as Padme lays deadly still. Anakin springs onto the bed and slices the creatures in half with his lightsaber. You see a droid outside and race after it, crashing through the blinds and window. Okay. Bad idea. You did NOT think that through.

You fly through the glass window and fling yourself at the probe droid, grabbing onto the deadly machine before it can flee. The droid sinks under the weight of you but manages to stay afloat and fly away, with you hanging on for dear life, a hundred stories above the city. The droid sends several protective electrical shocks across its surface, causing you to almost lose your grip. As you dart in and out of the speeder traffic, you disconnect a wire on the back of the droid. Its power shuts off. Shit! You and the droid drop like rocks. You realise the error of your ways and quickly puts the wire back. The droid's systems light up again and it takes off.

Sweat begins to build on your forehead. You did not think this through what so ever and you have no idea where Anakin or Obi-Wan is. The last thing you remember is Padme's deadly still body. Is she dead? That sudden thought sends a pang of regret in your gut. Did you allow your best and only friend to die?

The droid bumps against a wall, hoping to knock you loose. It moves behind a speeder afterburner to scorch you. It takes you wildly between buildings and finally skims across a rooftop and you are forced to lift your legs, tenaciously hanging onto the droid.

"Would you stop?!" You growl as the droid heads for a dirty, beat-up speeder hidden in an alcove of a building about twenty stories up. When the pilot of the speeder, a scruffy looking person who is most likely a bounty hunter, sees the droid approach with you hanging on, she pulls a long rifle out of the speeder and starts to fire at you. Explosions burst all around you. "I have a bad feeling about this," You say.

Finally, the droid suffers a direct hit and blows up and you fall fifty stories until a speeder drops down next to you, and you manage to grab onto the back end of the speeder and haul yourself toward the cockpit. You struggle to climb into the seat and you sigh in relief when seeing Anakin driver and Obi-Wan in the passenger seat.

"That was wacky! I almost lost you in the traffic," Anakin said.

"What took you so long?" You ask as you finally sit correctly in the seat you tumbled into.

"Oh, you know, princess, I couldn't find a speeder I really liked, with an open cockpit... and with the right speed capabilities...and then you know I had to get a really gonzo colour..."

"Qui-Gon will not be happy about your recklessness," Obi-Wan chimes in.

"Well, I know who to follow now," Anakin zooms upward in hot pursuit of the bounty hunter as she fires out the open window at you with her laser pistol.

"And Anakin, if you'd spend as much time working on your saber skills as you do on your wit, young Padawan, you would rival Master Yoda as a swordsman," Obi-Wan says, scolding both of you.

"I thought I already did," Anakin replies smugly.

"Only in your mind, my very young apprentice. Careful!! Hey, easy!!" Obi-Wan says as he grips the sides of the speeder as Anakin deftly moves in and out of the oncoming traffic, across lanes, between buildings, and miraculously through a construction site, the bounty hunter still firing at you.

"Sorry, I forgot you don't like flying, Master," You watch with a small smile at the way these two communicate. It reminds you of how you and Lumarina shared a lot of jokes and banter just like these two.

"I don't mind flying... but what you're doing is suicide!" You barely miss a commuter train.

"I agree with Obi-Wan on that account," You say as you duck.

"Master, you know I've been flying since before I could walk. I'm very good at this and (Y/N)...just trust me," You roll your eyes as he laughs and Obi-Wan gasps as Anakin makes another narrow turn.

"Just slow down!" The bounty hunter and Anakin race through a line of cross-traffic made up of giant trucks. The speeders bank sideways as they slide around right-angle turns between buildings. The bounty hunter races into a tram tunnel. "Wait! Don't go in there!" Obi-Wan says but Anakin zooms into the tunnel after the hunter. You see a tram coming at you. Anakin brakes, turns around, and race out, barely ahead of the charging commuter transport."You know I don't like it when you do that!" Obi-Wan growls. "We also have another person with us, try not to kill three Jedi!"

"Sorry, Master. Don't worry, this guy's gonna kill himself any minute now!"

"No, you're going to kill us!" You scold, slapping his head. The hunter turns into oncoming traffic, deliberately trying to throw Anakin off. Oncoming speeders swerve, trying to avoid the hunter and three Jedi. The hunter does a quick, tight loop-over and ends up behind all of you. She is now in a much better position to fire at you all with her laser pistol. To avoid being hit by the laser bolts, Anakin slams on the brakes and moves alongside her. She now fires point-blank at Obi-Wan.

"What are you doing? He's gonna blast me!"

"Right, not a good idea," Anakin quickly turns and swerves away. Suddenly, the hunter throws a bunch of explosives in your direction. You stand and use the force to hold them away from your speeder as they explode. Out of a cloud of smoke and ball of flames Anakin tears after the hunter.

"(Y/N), that didn't do much help!" Obi-Wan slaps out the small fire on the dashboard.

"At least we're not dead!" You exclaim, sitting back down. The hunter goes up and down, through cross-traffic. There is a near miss as a speeder almost hits you. The hunter turns down and left between two buildings. Anakin pulls up and to the right

"Where are you going?! He went down there, the other way,"

"This is a shortcut... I think,"

"What do you mean, 'You think?' What kind of shortcut?! He went completely the other way! You've lost him!" You exclaim from behind him.

"Guys, if we keep this chase going, that creep's gonna end up deep-fried personally, I'd very much like to find out who in the hell he is and who he's working for..."

"Oh, so that's why we're going in the wrong direction," Obi-Wan says sarcastically. Anakin turns up a side street, zooming up several small passageways, then stops, hovering about fifty stories up. Obi-Wan folds his arms. "Well, you lost him,"

"I'm deeply sorry, Master,"

"Great job Anakin, he went completely the other way," You groan, unhappy for losing the bounty hunter. Anakin looks around front and back. He spots something. He seems to start counting to himself as he watches something below approach.

"Excuse me for a moment," Anakin then jumps out of the speeder. You and Obi-Wan watch as he jumps on the hunter's speeder about five stories below you. You quickly jump into the driver's seat and follow after them. You deftly gain on the rogue speeder. The two speeders dive through oncoming traffic and then through cross traffic. You then see Anakin drop something and you quickly catch it. You then notice it's his lightsaber. You sigh and hand it to Obi-Wan.

"I'm going to have to admit, this has been the most fun I've had since Naboo," You say as you follow the speeder as it crashes onto the ground.

"Naboo? You mean with Maul?"

"Well, everything leading up to that," You say as you talently spin around oncoming vehicles.

"Spinning is not flying!" Obi-Wan groans. "This is the first time I've ridden with you and your already matching Anakin's recklessness," You chuckle as you land. You grin as you land and wipe the sweat from your head. Obi-Wan looks at you before chuckling. You also laugh as he gets out and helps you out. "I will have to admit, that was something different,"

"Probably something the council will frown upon," You joke before seeing him. "Anakin!"

"She went into that club," Anakin said, pointing to the bright sign.

"Patience," Obi-Wa reminds as he hands Anakin his lightsaber. "Here. Next time try not to lose it,"

"Sorry, Master," Anakin reaches for the lightsaber, but Obi-Wan holds it back. "A Jedi's saber is his most precious possession,"

"Yes, Master," He reaches for his lightsaber again, but Obi-Wan pulls it back.

"He must keep it with him at all times,"

"I know, Master,"

"This weapon is your life!"

"I've heard this lesson before..." You and Anakin say at the same time. Obi-Wan finally holds out his lightsaber and Anakin grabs it.

"But unlike (Y/N), you haven't learned anything, Anakin,"

"I try, Master,"

"However, you should thank (Y/N) for catching it for you," Obi-Wan says before stepping away.

"Thank you...you've lost your lightsaber?" He teases as you follow Obi-Wan.

"Yeah, but I found it," You defend.

"How long did it take you?"

"3 lectures from my master and one full rotation,"

"Really? Where was it?" You look down. "(Y/N)," He says in a sing-song voice.

"It was under my bed," Anakin laughs loudly and you also chuckle as all three of you enter the nightclub.

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Liveblog, Ch.11-13

This is the “Balance of Power” arc.

One of the things that frustrated me about the Hellsing TV anime (as opposed to the Hellsing Ultimate version) was that the TV series aired while the manga was still running, and it seemed to struggle between following the source material or just diverging into all new stories.    I think if Gonzo had made up their minds one way or the other, it would have ended up a better show.   Instead, there were all these filler scenes of Seras training with human soldiers, which seemed like an utter waste of the character’s time.    Worse, this meant the human soldiers featured much more prominently than they ever did in the manga, where they all get killed off by Chapter 9 or something.   And if you know that’s coming, like I did, it makes the human soldiers that much more insufferable, because you know dorks like Farguson aren’t going to matter, but they get tons of screen time anyway.    Farguson is like every episode of Dragon Ball GT condensed into a single character.  

Here, in the original manga, it’s pretty clear that the soldiers never mattered, because the only time you ever see them is when Jan Valentines’ ghoul army slaughters them all.    They only existed so Integra would have something to be in charge of, but the only ones who actually matter here are herself, Alucard, Seras, and Walter.    In this chapter, Walter practically admits as much, when he states that there were 96 staff members, and now we’re down to ten: Walter, Integra, and eight jabrones who weren’t at the base that day.    Well, maybe those eight guys will show up later and do something important?   Bullshit they will, they never get mentioned again.   The Gonzoverse might have been able to break some new ground by focusing on those human characters more, but what they actually did was half-assed, and it looks all the more futile when you know how unimportant they are to the original work.   Walter just hires a band of mercenaries to backfill all the vacant positions, and I’ll give you three guesses what happens to those guys.

Concerning “Millennium”, their mysterious new enemy, no one has any idea what they are.    A bunch of people try to research it, because we didn’t have Google in 1999, or at least not Google as we now know it, so if you wanted to know something cryptic you just had to rummage through a card catalog in a library or whatever.    But Integra just makes the logical leap that “Millennium” is a reference to the “Thousand Year Reich” dreamed of by Nazi Germany.   This seems like a stretch, but I think Integra’s reasoning is that this is the only “Millennium” reference that could possibly be worth Hellsing’s attention.

Later, Integra meets the Wild Geese, the merc group Walter hired, and explains their assignment even referencing the Bram Stoker novel.    So I guess Dracula is a real book in the Hellsing world, but it must be at least partially based on a true story, right?   The Geese don’t buy any of this, so Integra introduces them to Seras to prove that vampires are real.

They all laugh at Seras until she starts flicking their leader, Pip Bernadotte, with her fingers.    Then Alucard shows up, and that seems to be enough to convince them.

After this, Integra gets a letter from the Iscariot Organization, inviting her to a meeting with Enrico Maxwell at the Imperial War Museum.    The whole thing introduces Bishop Maxwell very effectively.   He tries to play this off as a peaceful, diplomatic conference, but he makes Integra wait, and she’s still sore about Anderson’s violation of their treaty back in Chapter 5-6.   Maxwell takes all this in stride, then replies that he could care less about the deaths of even two billion Protestants, so the two guys Anderson killed mean nothing to him.    He’s only here because the Pope ordered him to do this, and he calls Integra a “Protestant sow” for good measure.  

At this, Alucard comes out to stand up for Integra’s honor, and then Maxwell responds by bringing out Anderson, except Anderson has a berzerker rage thing going, so it kind of ruins Maxwell’s posturing.    For all his contempt, he really was ordered to London to talk to Integra, so he’d probably get in trouble with the Pope if Anderson starts a big superhero battle in a museum.

In Cross Fire, the unpublished manga that was sort of a precursor to Hellsing, Maxwell looked a lot like Sir Integra does now, so when Kouta Hirano brought him back for this arc, he slicked his hair back and removed his glasses.   On the other hand, Integra doesn’t look much like the early Integra anymore either.    By now, Hirano seems to have settled on her design, straightening her hair out and making her face longer and thinner.   Anyway, Maxwell’s brinkmanship has backfired, and now even he can’t stop Anderson, so what can be done?

Luckily, Seras is here to provide a distraction, as she leads a tour group of elderly Japanese tourists through the gallery.    For some reason this kills Anderson’s fighting mood completely, so he leaves.    Alucard also leaves, because he hates being up during the day.    Walter gives Seras a hearty thumbs up for defusing this tense situation.    Good job, Seras.    You’re doing amazing, sweetie.

All right, so what’s so blamed important that the Pope would send Maxwell to London?    Well, he knows about Millennium’s attack on Hellsing’s base, and he has some juicy deets on them.   After making Integra say “please”, he explains that “Millennium” was a Nazi military unit responsible for transferring resources and personnel for Nazi Germany.    They relocated a ton of these resources and personnel to South America for safe keeping.    Integra’s not too impressed with that, since “Nazis fleeing to South America after the war” isn’t exactly a shocking revelation.  

The twist here, though, is that Millennium was smuggling Nazi stuff to South America during World War II. 

Also, the Vatican helped Millennium do this?   I never understood this part of the story, but I think it gets explained later.   I mean, it explains how Maxwell would have this lead to share with Hellsing, but it raises more questions than answers.

  Volume 2 ends with another chapter of Cross Fire, starring Heinkel Wolfe and Yumiko Takagi.    In the first story, they saved hostages from Islamic terrorists.    This one is them recovering stolen church money from radical communists, which I guess could have been a thing in 1998?    It’s basically the same story, though, as they send Yumiko to infiltrate the bad guys, then they slaughter everyone in sight.    Mostly, I want to focus on the part at the end, where Maxwell, the leader of Iscariot, justifies the use of extreme hyper-violence in the name of the Catholic Church.   You sort of get the sense that the Iscariot Organization in Cross Fire was a concept in search of a villain.   the idea of two girl-assassins dressed as a nun and a priest might have had some traction, but Hirano really seems to have had trouble coming up with worthy enemies for them to fight.    But Hellsing brings vampires into the mix, which suits the Iscariots quite nicely.

Back to “Balance of Power”, the third part features Seras training with the Wild Geese in the middle of the night.   For some reason, Seras expects them to shoot targets from over 4km away.   She can do it, but only thanks to the vampiric senses Alucard showed her how to use.    It’s like she doesn’t realize that this is an ability she only has because she’s a vampire or something.   

Indoors, Alucard and Walter discuss the whole Nazi angle.    Al isn’t terribly surprised, because he only knows three who have ever used undead warriors for combat.   

1) Hellsing

2) Himself

3) The Nazis.

He knows #3 is legit, because he and Walter destroyed a Nazi research facility during the war.    Supposedly that contained all their work on the undead, but now that we know Millennium was smuggling important stuff from Nazi Germany to South America, it only makes sense that they’re the ones who devised the Valentines’ ghoul attack.    The bigger point of this scene is to reinforce that Walter used to be a big wheel in Hellsing, teaming up with Alucard to have Golden Age WWII adventures.   And now, Hellsing will be sending Alucard and Seras to South America to investigate this new threat.   

Here, Walter asks the big question: Why make Seras a vampire?   I’ll have more to say about this later, but I dig this scene because it works as an exposition scene, but there’s more to it than that.   Alucard’s only apparent motivations are over-the-top violence and doing his master’s bidding.   Helping Seras doesn’t seem to fit either of those, so it does indeed feel out-of-character.   You’d expect someone to ask this question, and by now there’s really only two people left who know Alucard well: Walter and Integra.   So yeah, let’s have Walter ask the question.    But later on, it becomes clear that the point is not the question itself, but the fact that Walter is the one asking it.  

For what it’s worth, Alucard doesn’t seem to know, or maybe he just doesn’t want to spell it out.   He keeps saying that it was her “choice”, except he had to make his own choice that night.    He could have just let her die, regardless of any requests she might have made.   Al remarks on her tremendous resilience on that night, since she was surrounded by death and hopelessness, but didn’t resign to her fate.    That impresses him, so I guess we can say that he chose her because he found her to be such an impressive specimen, in spite of some of her goofier behavior.    As it currently stands, Seras can’t even travel across rivers or oceans, a weakness for lesser vampires, but not a problem for Alucard himself.    He seems to think that’ll all be resolved once she finally drinks blood, and he expects that it’ll just be a matter of time before she does.    Ominous!

As far as transporting Seras to South America, Alucard figures the easiest thing to do is nail her shut in her own coffin.   The Wild Geese know a smuggling operation that can fly them to Brazil without any messy customs.   That works out, since they also have to transport Alucard’s coffin, and all the guns.

Integra asks why Alucard is dressed like this, and he says he can’t wear his usual stuff because he’d be too obvious to their enemies.    Also, he doesn’t need to spend the whole trip in his coffin, because sunlight and traveling over water doesn’t bother him, I guess?    I don’t really get the water thing.    If Seras can’t travel over running water, what difference does it make if she’s in her coffin or not?    I can accept that Alucard, who’s basically a super-vampire, would be immune to the whole water thing, but it becomes a plot point later on, so... aw, forget it   

Integra gives Alucard only one order: Search and Destroy, which seems kind of vague when you think about it.   Anyway, she’ll be saying this about a hundred times before the story is over, so we may as well appreciate the original.

[irandrura]

The Elder Scrolls - a disclaimer and rant

I am going to make some posts about The Elder Scrolls, and in particular, its background, setting, and characters. That means that a disclaimer is probably necessary.

Here’s the tl;dr version: yes, I know about the lore. Please trust me when I say that I was really super into it about a decade and a half ago, and I’ve kept an eye on it since. I have read the Michael Kirkbride forum posts. I have read C0DA, The Seven Fights of the Aldudagga, Sermon Zero, the Loveletter from the Fifth Era, and so on. I know the forum roleplays like The Trial of Vivec. I know that Ayrenn is really a time-travelling mining robot from outer space. I think all the stuff I just referenced varies widely in quality, opinions quite reasonably differ on it, and it’s frequently at odds with what’s actually depicted in the games, but at any rate, I promise that I know it.

So when I go on and talk about Psijics – I know, all right? I know. I am choosing to engage with the setting on a level that focuses more on characters, human stories, and, well, the narratives of the games. The TES apocrypha is interesting, but of limited relevance to the things I’m interested in. There are many valid ways to enjoy TES. Okay?

Now, the longer part:

If you haven’t played TES, and… actually, scratch that, for like 90% of people who’ve played TES, none of the above needed to be said. The thing is, when you play a TES game, it is a fairly straightforward elves-and-wizards-and-dragons fantasy setting in the D&D mould. Indeed, the earliest versions of it, back in the 90s, were based on a D&D campaign. So there’s relatively little surprising about it, and “it’s like D&D” will carry you most of the way towards understanding it.

However, TES games are also renowned for containing lots of in-game books you can read, which are often some of the most striking and evocative parts of the games. These are supplemented by a large library of apocrypha: often unofficial material, posted by developers (and ex-developers) on the internet. The most infamous of these writers is Michael Kirkbride, who has some… very unusual tastes and interests, but there are a range of other names as well. In any case, the result is that TES has an ‘expanded universe’ composed of these non-canonical writings. Often canonical texts in-game hint at some of this vast, unofficial hinterland, and sometimes ideas invented in the apocrypha sneak back into the games themselves.

Further, the apocrypha often hints at what seems to be a very different setting to the one directly experienced in the games: one that’s less about warriors and wizards and adventure and more one about divine magic, transcendence, myth, and meaning. The descriptions often seem to be somewhat at odds. This can best be demonstrated with some examples.

For instance, here is Michael Kirkbride’s description of a High Elf warship, written before any game had depicted the High Elf homeland:

Made of crystal and solidified sunlight, with wings though they do not fly, and prows that elongate into swirling Sun-Birds, and gem-encrusted mini-trebuchets fit for sailing which fire pure aetheric fire, and banners, banners, banners, listing their ancestors all the way back to the Dawn.

This is Old Mary at Water.

 You will immediately notice two things. The first is that this sounds really cool. Some of it you need some context to parse (the old elven homeland is called ‘Aldmeris’, hence ‘Old Mary’ as a mocking nickname given by its foes; the High Elves believe that they are literally, genealogically descended from the spirits that created the world at the Dawn), but even so, man, that warship sounds awesome. This Kirkbride guy can write. The second thing, though, is that it is extremely unclear what any of this even means. Given that descriptions… what does this ship look like? Try to picture it! What the heck does ‘crystal and solidified sunlight’ look like? How exactly does a trebuchet throw fire? What?

You might then go on to play a video game where the High Elves are taking part in a war to conquer the continent. If you’re like me, you’re probably keen to see one of these fabled warships. But then it turns out that in-game, High Elf ships look… like this. Or like this.

(Indeed, the High Elves are often a good example of this. An earlier written text, in a pamphlet enclosed with the video game Redguard, described the elven capital of Alinor as “made from glass or insect wings” or “a hypnotic swirl of ramparts and impossibly high towers, designed to catch the light of the sun and break it into its component colours”. Needless to say, should you visit it in a game, it does not look like that.)

After a while, you start to notice that there is very little connection between the world implied by the apocrypha and the world experienced in the games. Kirkbride says that the “closest mythical model” for the ancient knight Pelinal “would be Gilgamesh, with a dash of T-800 thrown in, and a full-serving of brain-fracture slaughterhouse antinomial Kill(3) functions stuck in his hand or head”, and says “Pelinal was and is an insane collective swarmfoam war-fractal from the future”. Indeed in Kirkbride’s descriptions Pelinal seems to have been an ultraviolent schizophrenic who led a wild, genocidal band of anti-elven warriors, was very definitely gay, and who had only a red, gaping hole where his heart ought to be (which in turn is a reference to the missing heart of the creator-trickster deity Lorkhan, whom Pelinal was in part a mortal incarnation of). You might find that really cool or you might find it banal, but there’s no denying that it’s extremely different to the Pelinal whose ghost you can meet in-game. The apocryphal Pelinal is a mad butcher whose closest mythic model, contra Kirkbride, actually seems to be Achilles; the game Pelinal is a straightforwardly sympathetic chivalric knight. This is complicated somewhat by the in-game books being written by Kirkbride and therefore being gonzo bananas insane, so the ‘canon’, such as it is, is unclear – but at any rate it is impossible to deny that there’s an incongruity.

I could go on with examples for a long time. I haven’t even mentioned the most famous – the 1st edition PGE description of Cyrodiil compared to what it actually looks like in Oblivion – or more recent ones, like the gulf between Alduin the mythic dragon who will consume the world and indeed time itself in its terrible jaws and the frankly quite underwhelming beastie you fight in Skyrim. The point I’m making is that there are effectively two TES settings: one relatively down-to-earth, immersive, and depicted in great detail in the video games, and one that’s this absurd mash-up of magic and science fiction and whatever psychedelics Michael Kirkbride has been taking this week.

I write this long disclaimer because it has been my experience discussing TES in the past that people who are mostly interested in the former – in the relatively grounded setting experience in the games – sometimes run into an elitist attitude from people who are interested in the latter. Sometimes fans of the apocrypha can come on much too strong, or gatekeep the idea of being a fan of ‘TES lore’. Any sentence that starts with “actually, in the lore…” is practically guaranteed to go on to be awful.

My point is not that the apocryphal TES is bad. As I hinted above, in my opinion its quality varies extremely widely: there are things that Kirkbride has written that I think are pretty cool (I unironically love the Aldudagga) and there are things he’s written that I think are indulgent tripe (C0DA stands out). Ultimately it’s all about what you enjoy, and I would never try to tell anyone that they shouldn’t have fun reading or speculating about or debating the zaniness of some of these texts. Indeed, as far as online fandoms and video game fan fiction goes, TES probably has the most fruitful ‘expanded universe’ that I’ve ever seen, and I think that’s wonderful. Kirkbride himself has said that “it’s really all interactive fiction, and that should mean something to everyone” and “TES should be Open Source”, which is a position I wholeheartedly endorse – and does a lot to take the edges off some of the worse things he’s said.

Rather, my point is that everyone should enjoy what they feel most interested in, or most able to enjoy. Further, I argue that there is absolutely nothing wrong – and for that matter absolutely nothing less intelligent or less intellectual – about a person preferring to engage with the version of TES most clearly depicted in the video games. Part of this might be defensiveness on my part, because in my opinion what TES has always done best is a nuanced depiction of cultural conflict: this is particularly the case in Morrowind and Skyrim, and ESO’s better expansions tend to deal in this area as well. As such I take relatively little interest in the metaphysical content of much of the apocrypha. For me, Shor, say, is most interesting as the protagonist of several conflicting cultural narratives, rather than as a metaphysical essence.

I would also argue that the most recent game content has taken a good approach by going out of its way to legitimise a range of possible approaches to the setting. The latest chapter of ESO, Greymoor, includes a system where the player can dig up ancient artifacts, and a number of NPC scholars will comment on them for you. This allows the game to indicate in-character scholarly disagreement over issues fans have previously debated. One item shows disagreement over whether the mythical character Morihaus was literally a bull, or a minotaur, or whether he was a human allegorically referred to as a bull. Another one points to disagreement over the possibility of magical spaceships: apocryphal materials have referred to ‘Sunbirds of Alinor’, ‘Reman Mananauts’, etc., as sorts of magical astronauts, but that seems so ridiculous given what we’ve seen in the games as to be easily discounted. I like items like this in-game because they seem to say to players, “It’s okay to disagree over questions like this – no one is doing TES wrong.”

That said, I am reasonably positive that I’m in the minority here, because I am in the camp that usually says that legends exaggerate, and so Morihaus probably wasn’t a bull and magical spaceships don’t exist. This is not a popular position. My reason, of course, is that I think tales are more likely to grow in the telling rather than shrink, and I have a dozen of what I think are hard-to-deny examples of this happening in TES (e.g. heroic narratives of the War of Betony are very different to the grubby reality you uncover in Daggerfall, or Tiber Septim is almost certainly from Alcaire rather than Atmora). However, this means that I openly take an opposite methodology to Michael Kirkbride. Kirkbride was once asked by a forum poster whether some in-game writings are exaggerated. His reply was: “I prefer, "It is very possible, as is the case throughout this magical world, that some of the exaggerated claims made about some subjects pale in comparison to the Monkey Truth. ZOMGWTFGIANTFEATHEREDFLUTYRANTS."”

Needless to say, I find this implausible, and it means that, for example, I interpret the Remanada as an obvious piece of propaganda, inventing a story about Alessia’s ghost in order to retroactively explain why Reman, probably born the son of a hill chieftain with zero connection to the previous dynasty, really has imperial blood. This is a very different but in my opinion more historically plausible take than Kirkbride’s, who has a naked thirteen year old Reman standing atop his harem and slaughtering recalcitrant followers.

I’m not saying that my approach is objectively correct. It’s all fiction – and as Kirkbride said, TES is open source. The only thing that matters is what you the reader, player, or interpreter find the most interesting. For me, that means generally favouring what is seen in the games over the developer apocrypha, which I can take or leave.

At any rate.

I’m going to go on and make some more fannish posts about stuff in ESO that I liked.

Just… if it’s relevant, be aware that I am familiar with the zany stuff. Some of it I like, a lot of it I don’t like, and I feel no obligation to use it if I don’t like it.

There. Disclaimer over.

[pizzakin]

Heya my friends!! I hope it's alright if I ask for a kin analysis? My main kins are Hobbes (Calvin and Hobbes), Jeannie Napier (Batman: the Killing Joke), Gonzo (The Muppets), Teruteru Hanamura (from Super Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair), Moon Rabbit Cookie (Cookie Run), Birthday Cake Cookie (Cookie Run), Glen Ray (Seed of Chucky), Totoro (My Neighbor Totoro), Songbird Serenade (the My Little Pony Movie), Applejack (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic), Beavis (Beavis and Butthead), Apple Pie (Food Fantasy), Minky Momo (Magical Princess Minky Momo), Cream Unicorn Cookie (Cookie Run), Boss (Hamtaro), Howdy (Hamtaro), and Mary Bell (Floral Magician Mary Bell)! Sorry theres so much, if you wanna see the rest of my kintypes, my kinlist is in my blog description! Please and thank in advance and take as much time as you need!! -mod hobbes from the-psydelicrainbow-kinhelpcafe🌈

kehehe, now thats a lot of characters you’ve given me to look at.. hm. 

well, after examining them, it seems like you have a real desire to help people. you want to entertain others, really. and take care of them, perhaps? whether it be by making food or giving out advice or, heh, even making edits, it seems like in general your a fairly kind person.

ive also noticed a bit of a.. i suppose ‘food theme’ with your kins? i wonder if you were raised by bakers or something, kehehehe.. or maybe you simply appreciate the culinary arts? no shame in that, do what you love, i say, kehehe

hmm.. you also seem to be the optimistic type, but not foolish. if your kins or anything to go by, you have a good head on you, and you can keep people out of trouble, while also staying rather cheerful. i wonder if its genuine or..? kehehehe, ah, i haven’t a clue, you know yourself better than i, surely

well, apologies for the wait on this one. i wouldnt say its a perfect analysis, unfortunately. though that may be because i am not familiar with too many of these sources, deepest apologies ^^’ 

mod hobbes, if you ever want to send in a different request, or i suppose if you have any criticisms, our inbox is open! kehehe..