#also remember that it shouldn't be up to the most vulnerable to ask for help

[freebooter4ever]

i have one bit of words and then im back to surviving but the last time this happened in 2017 there was a reason i started researching wwii in depth. on his deathbed in 2018 grandpa held my hand and told me he was terrified because the world right now reminded him of the world right before the war when he was young and he didn't want to leave me alone in it. grandpa and i both felt it, we are both bleeding heart liberals, we both sensed the social/political shift even before it became explicit.

best case scenario the threats and dictatorship turns out to be as ineffective as the orange cheeto has been before. but worst case scenario?

americans, we are no longer the good guy in the story. you research history, its time to start paying attention to what the average citizen in germany could do. white women, we have become the fucking enemy and we need to admit it before feminism truly progresses. it's telling that the pink hat ladies wouldn't rally behind a black woman the same way they did a white woman from new england. you want comfort that its possible to live out a dictator coup? start looking into how people in the past survived it, how they risked their lives down the chain to protect the more vulnerable, when the tipping point came where it was too dangerous for the more vulnerable to remain in those societies. the truly sad thing about humanity is how often we repeat the past and how long it takes for people to welcome change. but that also means we have seen this before, we have fought this before, we have won this before.

there are a lot of protections surrounding the US government, our biggest hope is that this narcissist discovers he is smaller than any of them. but i wouldn't count on it. ask anyone in south america about how experienced the US conservative right is at taking down governments.

[yuurayuura]

even more

🌊 beomgyu brings you to one of his favorite places.

PAIRING 🌊 beomgyu x fem!reader GENRES & AUS 🌊 non idol!au, established relationship, angst?, is it possible to love someone too much? WORD COUNT 🌊 1k WARNINGS 🌊 none AUTHOR’S NOTE 🌊 this is just a short little thing, i have a lot of feelings about beomgyu, okay. can you tell i was in the trenches of war (and probably on my period) when i wrote this ;; also, this frequency of posting will not be the standard lol im just on a roll

"Oh my god," Beomgyu exclaims, grimacing. "It's so cold! Why did we come here?"

You can't help but chuckle, giving him a playful shove. "This was your idea! You said we had to go see the ocean today... 'cause it was such a beautiful day..."

It is a very beautiful day. But it's also January. The sky is hinting at a vague shade of blue, with the sun appearing through the clouds every now and then. The ocean is gray and vast before you. It's foreign, but a nice view.

"And you didn't stop me?" he groans, burying his hands as deep into his pockets as they can go.

"Stop you?" you repeat, "Have you ever tried stopping you?"

"Okay, fair," he smirks, before he grimaces at the cold again. "Ugh, this place is gonna kill me. Let's go."

You stare out at the point where the sky meets the sea, and realize something.

"Hey, this is actually the first time I'm seeing the sea. In Korea, I mean."

Beomgyu stops and looks at you with wide eyes. "It is? Wow, sorry for saying this place would kill me, I take it back!"

You laugh, confused. "What?"

"I'm the one who brought you to the sea for the first time," Beomgyu says, all giddy, like he suddenly can't feel the biting sting of the wind anymore. "That makes me really happy."

It shouldn't be possible, not in this chill, but those words make warmth bloom through you, like a southern tide.

"You seem to be lot of my firsts," you say, airy, and Beomgyu smiles, the smallest one he has in his repertoire, the most bashful one.

"I want to be even more."

You stare at him, at his porcelain face, his irises shining like polished rocks on the shore.

It's surprising every time his voice dips low like that, in those serious moments, and it makes chills run across your skin.

He's always so painfully honest.

Beomgyu stops a few meters ahead, with his shoes scuffed by the frozen sand. His grin is as big as the horizon stretched in front of you, amused by the look on your face again.

"Can we leave now?" you laugh, pulling your arms tighter around yourself in a futile attempt to protect you from the freezing wind. "I'm gonna start losing limbs soon. To frostbite."

Beomgyu smiles, quieter, waiting for you to catch up.

"Just five more minutes."

He pulls you along by the hand, warm around your cold fingers. You look at his hair in the wind in front of you, moving like it's alive.

It's so pretty. And so is he.

"Why?" you ask, genuinely curious. "It's so cold, Gyu..."

He turns again and looks at you with an expression on his face that is hard to read, the gray ocean suspended in his eyes.

"I just want you to remember this," he says, "I want to etch this memory into your brain. That I was the one who brought you here."

"Five more minutes isn't going to make or break that," you smile. "I'll remember."

"Maybe a year from now, yeah, maybe even in five years you'll still remember. But then you'll forget."

You frown, tugging him closer. "Why would I forget?"

"That's how it works," he says, voice laced with an edge of casual sadness, in that way only he can be, eyes fixed on the long hair framing your face. "That's how humans work. And... relationships."

"Beomgyu," you mumble, closer, breath making white clouds around you.

You don't even know it in the moment, or on that day, or that week, but you will remember.

You'll always remember Beomgyu at the frozen beach, the warm depth of his eyes, the hair whipping out of place. His huge smiles, and his private ones. The vulnerable timbre of his voice, and the red in his cheeks. You'll remember exactly what you were wearing, how close you two sat on the train home, and how he smelled of his pink perfume and the ocean. You'll remember the calloused skin on the tips of the fingers on his left hand, from all the guitar practice he'd been doing. The feeling of his hand in yours, always so warm, slender, and strong. You'll be able to recall the songs that were popular between you at the time, how his voice sounded humming the choruses, before he noticed you were listening and got embarrassed.

You'll remember the boy who was always a little sadder and more introspective than he let on, always thinking, mulling over moments and glimpses of life that other people never gave much thought to. Afraid of taking it for granted. Afraid of being alone in that feeling.

You'll see it in your mind, always, the two of you in tandem on the beach. You'll see yourself so hopelessly and recklessly in love that you'd jump in the freezing ocean if he asked you to, or split it like Moses for him to walk through. You could do anything if it was for him, and you knew it, staring at the back of his head when he pulled you along.

"Beomgyu," you repeat. In the present. Squeezing his hands, suddenly overcome with so much love that it becomes difficult not to cry. "I love you to death. You know that, right? That I'd quite literally die for you?"

Beomgyu blinks, eyes wide. "What- hey? Are you crying?"

"I'm not crying," you sniffle, pulling him into a hug, cold cheeks pressing together as the tears escape from your eyes. "I'm not."

"I love you," Beomgyu whispers, squeezing you. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

"Don't think so much," you mumble, voice breaking. "You're always thinking so much. It's sweet, though. So sweet."

You pull back, and you wipe your face stubbornly with the sleeve of your jacket, while Beomgyu studies you, eyes filled with love.

"I can't promise that I'll never forget," you say. "But I promise that I'll never want to."

"Okay," he smiles. "Okay. Let's go home."

[kiththecat]

if were bringing up other povs, id kill to know what kab is thinking these past few chapters. i love clownzy but your inclusion of kab and the way she nestles into their dynamic is so so so fascinating — shes clown little sister and branzy coming into their life both makes her question herself/her judgement and literally throws off her entire dynamic with her older brother in one swell swoop... and then as the time goes and branzy deteriorates shes just stuck watching the trainwreck ger brother caused

this ask inspired me to write a little kab and clown thing following the events of chapter 18. this is really all i can share and it does contain slight spoilers but might as well share

as for the homestuck arc i really wanna write something from rek and kabs perspective. because theyre both running themselves to the ground trying to keep branzy sane and because they don't know about the pollen, they likely get increasingly frustrated when he just keeps getting worse.

kabs the one who stays with branzy the most. and she's pretty vigilant about it. i don't remember if ive given her a canon age but she's 18 in my head. and branzy is in a mental state where he needs to be monitored, pretty much. she definitely shouldn't be the one to do that. neither should rek.

side ramble here is that i really like the group dynamics and how you can see it in their upbringings. clown grew up wealthy and comfortable, so he's powerful, confident, and self assured. branzy grew up in a messy family where he was sort of the black sheep. plus his aunt, someone he liked more than his parents, was arrested because of his mom - he has mommy issues btw branzys specific insanity can only come from mommy issues - ahem - anyway. it wouldn't be far fetched to assume that branzy's upbringing, unstable and lonely as it was, has probably played a big part in how attached he is to clown. if that makes sense.

and the way kab fits into this is. clown saved her. low-key. high key. clown gave her a pseudo family. he's helped her away from a bad household. yeah she thinks he's stupid and lame but he's still her older brother. if he had never let her into his life, she would be so much worse off. and she knows that.

she was also young when they met. just a little kid. so she's basically just. very attached. she's learned a lot from him.

so we've got branzy, kab, and clown, neither of whom ever learned things like boundaries or that being vulnerable is OK sometimes. or how to express love in a healthy way. just a mixed bag. and this is funny to me because this is the shit rek has to deal with

BUT ANYWAY. back to the point. which is. she's tragically young and her beloved brother is literally mentally breaking down someone he loves - someone she cares about too. and she's the one who has to pick up the pieces when clown goes to work. she's sad and angry and frustrated. but there isn't a lot she can do. sure she can try and push branzy away from clown but clown's got branzy eating from his hand. that's the tragedy of it, really. the helplessness.

anyway sorry for the ramble i do not even think this answered your ask😭😭

[da-janela-lateral]

Aaaaa I wish I could make some art to accompany this post, but I can't do so in the moment and I really want to express my "post-epilogue Mob and Tsubomi friendship" thoughts. LONG text below.

They start talking some time after Confession Arc, but their bond actually begins after Tsubomi moves from Seasoning City. She enjoys having someone to tell her how things are going on her hometown, as she didn't keep in touch with all of her school friends and misses how life was in Seasoning. This helped her to get more used to this drastic change on routine.

It was... awkward on the start. Mob had to process that Tsubomi was nothing like the perfect concept that lived on his head, besides the fact that she was upset by people idealizing her (its not nice to know you're part of the problem). Tsubomi on the other hand needed to shut down her slight suspicion built with the experience of bad rejection aftermaths and trust in Mob's intentions. After all, he was her good childhood friend

It doesn't take much for them to get over this, though. Mob comes to care a lot for the real Tsubomi and makes an active effort to know her better. This flawed, human Tsubomi was different, but she was a dear person to him and so it wasn't an issue. Tsubomi is relieved to see Mob's desire to become her friend was genuine (and feels a little bad for doubting). She was glad to get back in touch with him after so such a long time and got impressed with how much he had matured without her noticing. In a way, she also used to see him as that little boy from years ago...

They talk to each other by phone almost daily, speaking of how was their day and sending random stuff. If anything happens, they sure would inform the other.

Mob discovers she likes the yellow cat plush and keeps showing her cats he saw. Tsubomi tries to read some of his favorite manga to understand what he is talking about.

Tsubomi got overwhelmed with how much her school life changed in her new city. She was very happy to not being treated as a deity, but also wasn't used to being a common student. Mob helps her to become adjusted to a normal life and stop wearing the mask she was forced to use in Salt Mid. He understands how weird it is like to be your own vulnerable, true self next to others.

In exchange, Tsubomi's experience proves to be very valuable when Mob gets more attention from his peers and has to face social situations he never participated of before. Parties are stressing. She too recognizes he is still learning to express himself and is happy to see how he opens up with her.

Althought Tsubomi learns to be more authentic over time, she still struggles with demanding too much of herself. She panicked after thinking she didn't do good in her exams, and Mob spends an hour explaining that she isn't special and how its bad to expect she'll be flawless all the time. Besides that, her skills shouldn't define her worth as a person, as she is much more than her results. Tsubomi remembers this.

Mob often asks for Tsubomi's opinion. Sure, Reigen is still his go-to for advice, but some topics are more comfortable to talk with someone his age. Mob really values Tsubomi's confident honesty and her practical, direct solutions. He also feels safe talking with her because he knows that despite being blunt, she wouldn't say anything to hurt him.

They visit each other occasionally when they're on high school! The train rides are quite long, though, so most times it's more practical to invite more people and have a sleepover. Mob and Tsubomi's respective friends know the other pretty well.

[chaifootsteps]

i should've mentioned it when we were talking about tuca and bertie and them doing things right, but the arc bertie goes through with her SA and reclaiming it thru taboo fantasies is very similar to what ive been through, right down to a therapist opening me up to this new side of sexuality, and while it all happened to me years prior to the arc happening in the show, it broke me out of my anti shipper mentality that gave me this sense of justice and rigid rightness in what i was doing.

just thought now would be a good time to bring it up too because of the allegations against you and how what happened to max is basically the same thing that's happened to me. it's such an uncomfortable feeling to know someone who brought you into this world sees you like that, and having a fictional character similar to that person to self insert with in writing has helped far more then feeling disgusted with myself ever did or has, because i can stop anytime i want, or just get to a point where i move on completely from being able to gain anything from this personally. (which im leaning towards for now,) it's like bertie's therapist said, "because this time, you're in control."

i just wish antis could at least be more open to the idea that maybe, just maybe, shaming victims for coping this way isn't helpful, and that the lack of nuance implies shaming these uncontrollable fantasies (because you can't control your thoughts and like bertie's therapist said, "brains are weird!", although ive also heard the fear and arousal part of your brain is closely related which explains so many kinks to me tbh,) is the only form of healing and getting better, which it never will be. this kind of thing, of re-exploring your trauma thru fiction like this, definitely doesn't help certain people and that needs to be respected, but for anyone it does, they shouldn't just be written off as "normalizing their abuse", because im aware enough to keep this to myself, and to other people like me.

come talk to me about me "romanticizing" horrible things in fiction when you remember vivs shows have millions of views, and THATS why her writing like a fanfic author is bad - not because she inherently is one at heart. a large audience of adults should engage with these heavy topics, (and deserve to have them be written well, even if the stans swear they don't because nuh uh it's Da Best cuz mama viv made it,) not literal children. regardless of this unfortunate demographic that's naturally been formed and then unnaturally encouraged by the creator to line her pockets with their parents money, i think people have a moral obligation to tell a well written story about dark taboo subjects when they have such a large scale of production and connections like this, with some gray area in between, because theres some pieces of media that aren't as big as vivs creations or as small as fanfic writers (compared to other indie creations like video games or shows,) either, like mouthwash, or that one horror game with a sibling incest ending. that's what i mean when i said you aren't gonna make anyone want to fuck a lizard, but that vivs story's spread sentiment that would give 1970s victim blaming, "well, what was she wearing?" arguments a run for their money in how gross they are. i don't think max is gonna make anyone want to fuck their own dad either.

i hope this all makes sense! i think this is the most vulnerable ive ever been in your ask box. thank you for being someone who makes me feel strong enough to talk about this.

No, no, it makes perfect sense! Thanks for sharing your story, Anon...that was an incredibly vulnerable thing to talk about, and it couldn't have been easy.

I don't know if it's due to social media or what, but people have gotten really, really terrible at the concept of "I do my thing that works for me over here, you do your thing that works for you over there, and even though we don't understand each other, we mind our business about it." Like you said, it becomes a different conversation the more widespread and professional your piece of media is -- the same way that feeding 1,000 people a day is different than cooking for yourself -- but when we're talking about you and me and Max and all the randos on AO3? An appropriately tagged piece of work that makes a sharp distinction between fiction and reality is harmless.

What isn't harmless is telling someone that their intensely personal coping method is wrong and shameful and that they're a dangerous, evil person because it makes you uncomfortable, and that they're either a bad survivor or lying about being one.

Here's the scene from Tuca & Bertie, because it's so well done and always relevant.

[that-basic-simp]

Let Your Hair Down

Mizu X Fem!Reader CW: N/A WC: 1.2k+ A/N: This was originally going to be the first one-shot I was going to upload since this was the first one I wrote.

"You should wear your hair down more often," I said.

"And what? Get you and I killed?"

"No, I meant when we're alone. When we don't have to worry about people coming after you."

"I'm still surprised you haven't gotten killed either. Or kidnapped and made to be a prostitute."

"That makes two of us," I said.

"You really should hide yourself better."

"Like you?"

"It throws people off. And also no one will ever know because they die. A dead man tells no tales."

"Funny, weren't I the one to figure out your secret?"

"Because you kept following me when I said not to."

"You really don't remember me?"

"I try not to remember Kohama all that much."

"Can't say that I don't blame you. Kohama didn't treat me right either."

"This world doesn't treat women right."

"That's why we're not women," I smiled at Mizu.

"You do a horrible job at disguising yourself, you know that right?"

"Come on, try to be at least uplifting once in a while, Mizu."

"I can't when I am constantly worrying about our backs out here. More specifically yours."

"Aww, did I warm my way into the cold samurai's heart."

"I'm not a samurai. They're honorable. I have no honor."

"Not yet you don't."

"You think seeking revenge is honorable? It's anything but, Y/N. I don't know why you even followed me to begin with."

"Because I saw something you can't see in yourself."

"That being?"

"A lost, broken soul that is trying to get back at the people who wronged you. Especially that white man who caused your birth."

"What gave it away?" Mizu asked sarcastically.

"I wasn't finished. But also someone who constantly views themself as a monster, an onryo."

"Join basically everyone I have ever met," she sighed.

"But I also see a person who just wants someone to see you for who you truly are, not what you are."

"And who am I, Y/N?"

"You're Mizu. Simple as that."

"And who exactly is Mizu?"

I let out a soft chuckle, "Seems you need to do some soul searching, Mizu. Currently you're out for revenge, so I don't think soul searching is your thing to worry about right now."

"Well, who is Mizu to you?" she asked, curious.

"A strong person who will go the distance to get whatever needs to get done. A driven soul that wants to get back at the people who wronged you, but don't really go after those of your past. Those who treated you poorly and called you horrendous things. Just after the guy who made you and your mother suffer. Someone who is in need of a kind and caring  soul," I smiled at Mizu, trying to find her true eye color, but with her tinted glasses, they weren't helping.

Closing her eyes, she reached up and removed her glasses. Slowly opening them, she tilted her head upwards. My eyes found hers. I have only seen her true eye color once in a while and it was when she glared at me over her glasses. So to finally see them in their fullest and at their most vulnerable, it reminded me of the calm waters on the peaceful beach. How clear and stark they were, piercing like the ice, cold, too. Harsh, like a winter storm was raging behind those eyes. A single tear slid from her right eye and dropped onto the floor we were sitting on.

"I'm a monster, Y/N. Simple as that. Someone who shouldn't even belong in this world."

"Yet you're still here."

"I'm here for a reason."

"Your body could have easily given up on you. But you're resilient and able to push yourself through struggles. Sure you're here to get revenge, but you being here," I reached over and grabbed her hand gently. "Is a gift."

She shook her head, "I'm not, Y/N."

"To me you are. That's all that matters. And to me, I don't see a monster."

"Then what do you see?"

"A beautiful woman or handsome man. Whichever you prefer, with the most alluring blue eyes I have ever seen. Bright like the sun lit sky, calm as the waters at a peaceful beach, and yet, harsh and cold like a winter storm."

Another tear slid down her face as she turned away, shaking her head, "I-I--"

"It's ok, Mizu."

She turned and faced me, "No one has told me that before. T-Thank you, Y/N."

"You're welcome. It's a shame people only see you for your physical features and not what you harbor on the inside. Aside from revenge," I chuckled.

A slight smile formed on her lips. It was very rare for her to smile for a long period of time. Actually, it was just rare for her to smile period. Rare to show any kind of emotion other than being serious and taking no bullshit. But for some reason, I was able to worm my way into her life and still stick around.

"Everything ok, Y/N?" she asked, a little worried.

"J-Just thinking," I said.

"Thinking about what exactly?"

"Nothing too serious. Not like I could plot to kill you. I could never raise a blade like you do. It's almost as if you learned everything on your own. All the different fighting skills and blended it together to kind of make your own."

"I guess you could look at that in a sense."

"You're amazing, Mizu. You know that, right?"

Looking into her eyes, they widened slightly and she blinked a few times. Her mouth opened and closed before some pink crawled underneath her eyes. Reaching over, I placed my hand on her left cheek, turning her head to face me.

"Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Because I will come back and prove them wrong."

The right corner of her mouth twitched slightly, as if she was going to smile but didn't. My eyes flickered between her eyes and her lips. Letting out a soft sigh, she reached up and removed the string that held her hair together. Her long, raven like hair fell down past her shoulders. It really complimented her blue eyes, making them stand out even more than they already do. I couldn't help myself now.

Leaning towards her, I lightly placed my lips against hers. A surprised sound came from her as she backed up slightly, causing me to pull back.

"I-I'm sorry. I-I should have asked. Fuck," I breathed out, some tears forming in my eyes now. "I-I read into it too much, didn't I, Mizu? Shit, I-I'm so so sorry, I-I didn't mean t--"

I was cut off by Mizu returning the gesture. Fluttering my eyes closed, I reached up with both of my hands and dug them into her silk like locks. Pulling away, she found my eyes and smiled. It was soft, genuine, and for the first time, full of love and admiration for someone.

"Don't be sorry," she whispered. "I should have done that first, but you beat me to it."

I giggled, "You know, I was right."

"About what?"

"That you look gorgeous with your hair down. Or handsome. Whichever one you prefer."

"I prefer yours," she smirked.

My eyes widened and blinked rapidly as blush crawled onto my cheeks.

"I--uhm--uhhh," my mind went blank.

She chuckled and pulled away, "Thank you, Y/N."

"Y-You're welcome, Mizu," I said once I gathered my thoughts.

Sitting beside her, I set my hand down. Looking down from the corner of her eye, Mizu placed her hand on top of mine. Smiling, I leaned against her shoulder, placing my head on hers. Hers rested against mine and both of our eyes closed, taking in one another as we fell asleep, getting some much needed rest.

[hamliet]

what is wrong with me ? I'm a 30years old woman and never have been in a relationship before, never kissed anyone before nor holding hands or anything and I still don't know what I want, I don't know if I want a relationship but there are times I feel so lonely. I'm so scared of intimacy, I don't feel pretty at all, I hate my body and generally I'm absolutely not interesting, I don't know how to speak of myself and how to make proper conversation. I don't feel I have a true personality. I feel very vulnerable and impressionable, as if I were adapting to the person in front of me. I already talked about all of that with therapists but they couldn't really help me. I feel lost. I don't know how to identify myself, am I a asexual person ? I don't feel like I really loved someone in my life, I just had some crush when I was younger in boys mostly and one time a girl. And I knew for them I was invisible. I remember once a lesbian told me she will never date me and was def not interested (it wasn't even real it was just a colleague making a joke about it). I don't know myself if I even love human beings...I know it's bad to think that way. I just don't know what to do

Oh, Anon. I'm sorry you're going through this. Loneliness is agonizing.

I know it's bad to think that way

First of all, I'm just going to say that it's not bad. Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not determinants, they are not reality necessarily, and they are not a defining part of you.

I'm a 30years old woman and never have been in a relationship before, never kissed anyone before nor holding hands or anything... I don't know if I want a relationship but there are times I feel so lonely

I don't think this is as rare as it might seem. I actually know several people in this position, including who are older than that too. You shouldn't feel ashamed or like something's wrong with you for this.

The thing about relationships is that they are complicated. Whether you want one or not, you don't have to decide right now before you look for one. If you think you might want a relationship, I'd encourage you to first try to make friends. Find a local activity, a gym or place of worship or weekly dance nights or a cafe even, and start going there regularly to get to meet people.

I might also join a dating app, because you'll be able to interact with people with the screen as a safety line. You're not misleading them if you don't want to end up meeting them; most sites will give you an option to say "figuring out my dating goals" when they ask what you're looking for.

Everyone's just figuring it out. Try to work on your own life and try to be happy. It's okay to want to be happy and to pursue things that will make you happy, and to try things and then realize hey, this doesn't make me happy, or to realize that something you thought you didn't like actually does make you happy. It's okay to change your mind.

I might also try therapy again if you are able--I've had terrible therapists and I've had great ones, and it also might be trial and error. If you don't like them or don't think it's helping after a few sessions, find a different one. That's okay.

You're only thirty. You hopefully have a lot more life to live, and that's a lot of time to discover what you like and enjoy. Even if it's cringe or childish, find what you enjoy via trial and error. You have that time. You matter, and you deserve to be happy--as much as anyone can be on this very difficult planet.

Good luck.

[lilacsandsadprose]

I had my virtual session with L this afternoon. It felt productive, but it also felt like I was talking a lot and maybe avoiding any response back. I don't want to go into detail because I feel so ashamed, but she was at least very validating, and kind, as usual. When I started crying after repeating again and again, "I'm so dirty," it looked like she felt a lot of compassion. She reminded me it was the trauma, the OCD, that I'm not at all contaminated or dirty (or going to get in trouble for being contaminated). I'm not contaminating everything and everybody around me. It sounds stupid, I know. She kept repeating that it wasn't my fault, that none of it was my fault. It was theirs.

L told me that what I experienced a week ago was traumatic. That feels a little bit dramatic, but I am overwhelmed and feeling unsafe/ unstable. I avoided eye contact most of the session, and I hate when I do that. In person sessions are so much easier. But I feel so disconnected from L when my eyes are on the ground or the ceiling.

After therapy, I had group. We met at a different location on campus today, and they're thinking of moving the group there for the remainder of the sessions since so many people preferred that space. It was nice to have a table and feel a little bit closer with everybody.

A lot of comments have been made in group lately, especially today, about DID and having absolutely no traumatic memories. Today somebody asked the group leaders how it was possible to have DID and remember your trauma, and after I shared a couple things the group made some invalidating comments. I don't hold it against them, though.

I feel like so much of the last three years has been me struggling with intrusive repressed memories, not full memories, but bits and pieces of distressing events that were obvious that had happened— everybody thought something happened, but as I child I was told I either refused to speak or denied it. At times being institutionalized as a child, I was not allowed to see certain family members, DCF became involved, because each doctor that met or examined me genuinely believed I was being at the very least, abused, and I remained a mental health / medical mystery until I was older, had a suicide attempt, and then was simply labeled with BPD. Nobody ever believed my blackouts.

There's more evidence, and I know I don't have to prove myself to anybody. I truly didn't start remembering my childhood at all until I lived alone, and finally felt safe enough to break down completely. Even now, it's so empty. So much not remembering, or knowing maybe, but not wanting to accept it. Colors and terror and humiliation and emptiness. Parts sometimes share trauma too, mostly through writing, and only when they're in a place where they trust me.

Group today increased the denial I feel about my own abuse, my own diagnosis of DID. I pulled the group leaders aside after group panicking, saying "I shouldn't be here." A was kind and reminded me that each experience is different, and that my experience is a very common one, too. P was standing behind her with her bright smile saying "she's right, it okay to have your experience, too. You're okay."

Afterwards A and P walked me out because this specific conference room is impossible to locate, and I couldn't find my way out. We talked and I thanked them. They've helped me so much on this journey, and I hope I'm paired up with the same group leaders for the next session. They usually run DID group at the HC as well, and it was always so interesting to have that space, to hear their perspectives. I still miss working with A individually all the time. She's such a special person.

I got home and did some art journaling. I'm still feeling raw and vulnerable and emotional from therapy, and from recent events in general, I don't want to do much. I'm still back and forth about apartments, and trying to take it all day by day. L said to fight for the apartment that I loved, especially because I deserve to live someplace I feel comfortable, and because there is so much more security there vs here. I'm going to try to. The state is making it so disheartening, though, as usual.

I'm really struggling with eating and body image right now, and I sent an email to L confessing to my recent behaviors, so we'll see how she responds. I'm nervous, but she's helped me with my ed more than any other provider that I've had.

[beatingdrumspouringwine]

Words from the Gods 2 - Dreams

I was kind of waffling for a bit over whether or not to start this series with the Signs of the Gods or Dreams of the Gods, and finally decided on dreams, because those are kind of unavoidable, and happen when you're at your most vulnerable - being asleep.

One of the biggest problems I see online is that there is a lot of significance placed on dreams, sometimes too much. Because sleep is such a vulnerable time (and because our subconscious can cook up some weird shit while we're sleeping), dreams can sometimes feel like they have meaning, and then freak us out because it was scary, or because the meaning isn't discernible (and what if it's important?). But the thing is, even though the ancient Greeks did still place some level of importance on dreams, we shouldn't be hyperanalyzing every dream that comes through our minds on a nightly basis. I've had some weird dreams in my life, and generally if a dream is coming from the Gods, there are some major differences.

To start, I'm going to lay out a dream that I had which was sent from Dionysos (figured through discerning and some light divination), and explain the full process of figuring out what it meant:

In this dream, I was in the middle of a forest of oak and pine, similar to the forests that exist where I live. There were a bunch of people around me, incredibly happy, and I just knew that they were there to worship Dionysos, as I was there to do as well. I remembered passing by a young oak tree that had monarch cocoons painted on its leaves, and then going into a house, where everyone was sharing a meal, pouring libations at a shrine to Dionysos, and reading from a book. One of the women took me over to the book, where there was one word written on the page that I could see: "alcohol", and said something to the effect of "this is not the only side of the God". After that, I woke up.

The first thing that distinguished this as an Important Dream as opposed to an Unimportant Dream was that I could still remember the whole "plot" of the dream after waking up, and as is shown here, even to this day (I had this dream in August or September of last year, right around the time I started this account). I'm not sure how rare this is, but I never remember my dreams, and it seems like a lot of my friends also don't remember their dreams, so I'm going to guess that remembering dreams regularly is a lot less common than just forgetting them upon waking. Of all the dreams that I have had, only the important ones have actually stuck in my head.

The second thing which helped me discern this dream as being Important was the combination of easily understandable symbolism, and direct application to my life at the time. At the time I had that dream, I was in fact turning to alcohol as the primary way through which I communicated with and worshiped Dionysos. I hadn't quite grasped that it was a problem until the dream, however, and afterwards started to work on moving away from drinking as my only way of worshiping Dionysos. Obviously I still did and still do drink occasionally, but not as much, nor as worryingly. I also started drinking with other people, instead of on my own. From that also came my inspiration to start this account, as I realized that worship was better done in community as opposed to sitting alone, keeping everything to myself.

The third thing which helped me discern The Dream was my own workings through prayer and divination, basically going straight to the one that I thought was the source, and asking Him myself what it might mean. And honestly, I would make "prayer and divination" the first thing to do if you have a dream which feels like it may be divinely inspired. If you have questions, the Gods will answer - They're not trying to make our lives insanely difficult, and They know that we are mortals trying our best.

So that's my essay on the meanings of dreams. I've only had two dreams that were sent from Dionysos, so this is drawing off of limited experience, but even with the limited experience, I think it's still good that people hear about those personal experiences, and how to go about with discerning these things. If you ever have any questions, please feel free to ask me! My inbox and DMs are always open for questions if you have any, and I'm always more than happy to answer questions and talk about literally anything!

The next segment I'm going to work on will be about signs, and how to figure out whether or not what you see is simply some weird mundane stuff, or something divinely sent.

[i-never-forgot]

so your post about eve and eliana was a literal punch to the gut and i couldnt stop thinking about the hypothetical scenario of what would happen if those two met (and that's assuming that eliana knew exactly who she was talking to).

i think eliana would try to steel her emotions as hard as she could when that happens. her first partner, her best friend whos death and untimely demise was the cataclysm that led to her heart closing so tightly and to hold others at an arm's length out of a fear of attachment, right in front of her. the eyes still shine with that same innocence as before, that big grin and blissful awareness of who eliana tearing more and more columns in eliana's poor heart than she lets on, because coming face to face with someone who's departure left such a large hole in your heart and life that it physically and mentally killed you so much, yet here they are in body, flesh and mind.

and like i said, eve does not know who eliana is. and for a moment, just for a brief moment; eliana would be thankful that this is how it is. because eliana would be regretful over what she allowed to happen (even if it was an accident, but she would rather spend a year in the world abyss pit than admit that she was only human and that what happened was not her fault), and to know that the one who mattered to her the most remembers her face would send shivers down her leafy spines. and if eve will ever start asking about what her previous life with eliana was like, i don't think she would have the willpower to answer her.

but that's the whole thing. eve does not remember her previous life. nothing of it, even her own name. and with that, she is free from the turmoil that haunts eliana, and she is far happier with her newfound life with tree. because nobody deserves to be plagued with such a burdening memory. eliana only endures it for her as a means to repay and as her final act to apologize for something she could not control. eve is with someone who will ensure she will live happily and safely, because anyone at this point could have done it better than she could.

Sinnoh I have been rotating this in my mind ever since you sent it oh my god thank you for nurturing the brain worms, we feast this day

Eliana would definitely try to keep a brave face and a neutral demeanor if she figured out who Eve really was, but it would be damn hard. She had an easier time disguising her hurt at Dusknoir with anger than she would hide her simultaneous grief/regret/guilt/relief for knowing Eve was alive and well and happy but not quite the same as she used to be (although Eliana couldn't say that she was exactly the same person, either, so she supposed that shouldn't matter).

She would be grateful that Eve wouldn't know. She has self-blame issues out the wazoo that she's trying to work through, but she has carried the fault of Eve's death for so long that it's an almost immovable pillar of her biggest failure lodged into the back of her mind, which serves as the foundation both for her fierce protectiveness, trust/vulnerability issues, and the basis of her sense of failure with "leaving" Grovyle alone to deal with the Time Gears and ending up labeled a criminal (and all that entailed, including helping Dusknoir track him down...and the entire can of worms involved, too).

Eliana would talk about the good if pressed. That comes easily. Eve was her lifeline growing up since Eliana's parents were so pushy about her being a competitive trainer/coordinator, her emotional support fur baby who came to her when she tried to hide so she could cry alone (that touch of pride sticking out again and again). But it would take her a long, long time to be able to broach the subject of their separation; mostly because she doesn't want to relive it any more than she has already had to, but also because she almost doesn't think she should since Eve is here now. What difference would it make for her to know what happened when she's had the blissful blessing of having forgotten the gruesome affair, even if it's impacted her physical wellbeing even in a new life?

Eliana thanks Tree profusely for taking care of Eve when she couldn't. She doesn't say a lot, doesn't reveal very much, but even Tree can tell that there's a whole lot of an emotional mess brewing under the surface even though Eliana's doggedly holding it together by the skin of her teeth. He gently tells her that he could have done better - anyone could have - but that doesn't mean that Eliana's efforts were in vain. (Eliana has to excuse herself to cry somewhere away from sympathetic eyes, but she accepts that truth with quiet gratitude, even if she'll have to wrestle with it for a while in her mind. Forgiving herself has always been one of the challenges she battles most.)

Eliana would hesitate to tell her her real name, if she asked. Even if she did, Eve would likely ultimately decide that it no longer fits, since she has no connection to it anymore, and Eliana would find a little bit of peace and relief that Eve was able to start a new life where she's content and safe.

(Her name was Bubbles.)

[wxrofluffy]

♧ "why won't she love me?" a short #namilola au

it's not the first time nami has shown up to her apartment bawling like a child but it is the fourth time that nami has come crying about vivi. its also the fourth time lola has wanted nothing more than to punch said woman.

"does she hate me now?" nami cries, snot flowing unattractively from her nose. "did I do something to make her hate me?"

lola holds out a box of tissues, rubbing in a circular motion on nami's back. it's the only thing she can do right now, both to calm nami and herself.

"e-everytime I try to talk to her, s-she always brushes me off and says that it's nothing and that she's fine," nami says. "that we're fine but we're not! lola, we're not f-fine and I want us to talk about it."

"nami..." lola says as the other bursts into a sob. she can feel her heart break as she watches her friend sob and pray for her girlfriend to just talk to her, to be honest about whatever she's feeling, about their relationship.

she remembers the first time nami came crying to her, it was when vivi had forgotten about their date and left nami sitting inside of a restaurant as she continued to wait for her girlfriend. the tears lola saw that day were minimal but the pain and frustration was still there. and lola knows that things happen, that people forget things when they're caught up with whatever they're doing, she gets that. but that doesn't mean she should like it, especially when vivi does it for a second and third time.

her job as a songwriter shouldn't take up all her time, especially the time that should be dedicated to nami. but every single time, vivi is locked inside her recording studio, and hyperfocusing on whatever song she's working on. her passion for music is almost admirable and all of her songs are a hit, however, lola can never praise someone who forgets and ignores the most beautiful woman to ever walk the earth.

"what should I do?" nami says, her sobbing softer now and her eyes as red as her hair. "s-should I try and talk to her again?"

"what good would that do if she keeps brushing you off?" lola asks, no longer caring to mince her words.

"I know what you should do and I know that you won't like it but I have to say it." lola takes a deep breath, willing herself to say it. what's there to lose? /nami's trust in her, that's what./ "break up with vivi."

nami's eyes go big, her whole body stiff and still. "what?"

"break up with vivi." lola repeats, this time with more confidence. "It's the most obvious and best choice. this isn't the first time that she's ignored you and brushed you off. "why stay with someone who makes you question their love for you?"

they're both silent, staring at each other, waiting for the other person to say something, to do something. lola wonders what's going on inside nami's head, how she's processing what lola suggested.

it makes lola nervous as the seconds slowly go by, still no word from nami, not even a sniffle. maybe she said the wrong thing (even if she believes it to be right) while nami is still so vulnerable and hurt. suggesting a break up in this moment probably wasn't the best idea.

"because I love her," nami finally says, tearing her eyes away from lola. "why would I leave someone who I love?"

it breaks her heart to hear nami say that because she understands it. lola who truly loved her mother and always thought of the older woman as a kind individual and loved her deeply, only to break all connection with the older woman as she realized that her mother hated her. it was a difficult but necessary decision that left lola heartbroken for the first few months. however, she knew that it wasn't best for her to keep up her connection with her mother when the woman hated her so much. it was nami who helped her realize that.

so why can't nami realize that this situation is a little similar to what lola went through?

"you can't just stay with someone because /you/ love them, you /both/ have to love each other."

"b-but she does love me."

lola raises her eyebrow. "weren't you just saying that she probably hates you?"

lola sighs. "I'm not trying to hurt you by saying this, I just want you to be happy and not to see you cry anymore." She leans close to nami, their legs softly knocking into each other. "You deserve better, that's all." /you deserve the world./

nami leans into her touch, easily accepting it as usual as she leans her head onto lola's shoulder. "what makes you think I deserve better?"

"because you're you," lola says. "you're an amazing woman, nami. amazing, intelligent, confident, and beautiful. so of course you deserve better."

"and you don't think vivi is the best option for me and that won't give me what I deserve?"

now it's lola's turn to go silent as she toys with the question and figure out the best answer. because honestly, she no longer believes that vivi is good enough for nami. at first she thought so, back when she genuinely liked vivi and would always smile in the others direction. now she can barely look at her. she's also so close to punching vivi in the face.

(she only doesn't because Nami wouldn't like it.)

"I don't know," lola says, lying. "only time and her actions from here and now will tell."

it's a terrible but it's perfect for right now. an easy answer that should please nami and won't make her cry further on. it should be good enough right?

and it is good enough. nami hums, accepting said answer, wrapping her arm around lola's. "thank you lola."

"for what?"

"for being such a good friend and listening to me constantly cry about vivi. you're always there for me."

lola's smile almost disappears. a good friend, right, that's how nami will always see her. lola will always be that good friend who will forever be there for nami whenever the other needs a shoulder to cry on and some words of wisdom. and lola doesn't mind it, she loves being nami's friend and being there for the other whenever she needs someone. but sometimes... she wishes to be more than that.

sometimes, lola thinks of dream of being more for nami. she dreams of holding and kissing her hand whenever they're out in public. she dreams of hugging her tightly and never letting go. she dreams of dancing in the rain with her, not caring about the cold they'll wake up with.

she dreams of baking nami her favorite orange muffins and seeing the other bright smile as she bites into the pastry. she dreams of kissing her forehead whenever she's stressed out because of the boys' and their recklessness.

she dreams of kissing nami gently on her lips at the beginning of each year. she dreams of pulling nami into their shared room and closing the door behind them, to love her down in private and with no interruptions.

lola dreams of nami more than necessary and surely more than vivi. but all in all, she dreams of a happy nami who never cries and never frowns. /why can't it be me?/ lola thinks, resting her head on top of nami's.

"no need to thank me, it's my job as your friend."

♧ END ♧

this oneshot is a sneak peak of my future band au. it won't drop until later this year

[eshasunrise]

Now this is some real shit. It's a great look at how extreme conservatism happens through memes, how we can mitigate it, and even how we can maintain and improve our own actions.

Just make some friends. Seriously, talk with people, form groups, get together and hang out. People are way more receptive to regular chats and personal experiences than they are preaching.

Make your politics personable. Talk about the viewpoints you have as common sense in casual ways, don't jump into hard debates and citations on people who ain't interested.

Make fun of Nazis in your group. Don't tolerate bigotry, call it out for what it is by mocking them. Alt-right assholes will make memes and jokes about anybody they hate. If there's somebody going around with 4chan and twitch lingo trying to generalize and making edgy jokes, absolutely exclude them. You can tell when somebody is going out of their way to be an ass and break people apart. If they won't talk reason, no reason to try. Mock alt-right phrases. Ask about extreme bullshit. Call their bluffs. Be a decent person and part of a community, but don't tolerate the intolerable.

Don't make up a boogie man. It's often said to know your enemy. In most cases, we shouldn't have one. Most of us don't want to exclude or hurt people, we're just looking to avoid getting hurt. Don't fall for scapegoating or quippy rhetoric. Remember why you fight. We don't need to be constantly afraid, and keeping people like that just makes them trigger happy and more prone to aggression. That being said-

There is a time for real talk. When shit needs to get done, fear is a strong motivator. Just don't make it oppressive. People freeze in the face of the untouchable, but are more than willing to help out if something needs doing. For that matter,

Keep actions small. Again, people are willing to help, it just has to be reasonable. Signing a petition is easier than calling a senator than joining a protest. You gotta account for peoples' availability and resources. That's why it's important to-

Meet in person AND online. There's a lot of benefit to using the internet. The video above goes over how extreme conservatives have been using it to mask hate groups and spread messages. That said, it also explains how decentralized and ineffective the majority of far-right people have become. Action surrounds the figureheads, and pretty much exclusively figureheads. Without people to actually get together and talk things out, in-person meetups of the alt-right tend to be self destructive, embarrassing, and harmful. But that isn't us. We aren't nazis. Out ideologies aren't built on hate. We can afford to meet up and talk. Our disagreements can be talked through. Prejudice in our group is rare and often born in trauma. We're willing to discuss and change and improve ourselves. And doing that, in-person, is how to make real change happen. Both to the world, and to those people who might be vulnerable to extreme, conservative rhetoric.

Anyway, that's just some lessons to take away from the video, including how extremists gather, how to mitigate and reverse it, and what methods we can take from that playbook to actually help people instead of hurting them (or boring them, in most of our cases).

[rainbowbastic]

I NEED an advice. God, Im feeling so shitty lately. I won't to eat, I can't get sleep easy, I wake up so early, and in the rest of the day, I can't stop to think in this girl. I tell you what happened and I hope read for a sincere advice.

I met this amazing girl similar in age to me, we just talked when we had this class, she was my teacher for this ocassion, I never ever know or seen her before, because I was invited to this event. So, when I interacted with her I feel so good, I felt listened, I felt cared, felt like I could be vulnerable, I felt in peace, I felt that if I made a mistake I could be helped and not ashamed, I felt like I'd talk for hours, but we just had around 3 hours for the class. She was like that with everyone in the class, she was kind and she knew how to make people feel good with her words and her gestures. I just met her one week and these daily 3 hours, and somedays, a little minutes more.

The last day that I knew I'd see her, I thought that I never ever will see her again, and I took courage to write a letter where I talked about how fine I felt with her and her class, how grateful I felt after all that week... and when I was writing that note, I thought that I'd be sincere for this time and write how I felt romantically about her, I write that she had a lot of beauty qualities and that "I'd like to have a girlfriend like her". I end the note hoping a lots of love for her life.

When I had the opportunity to give her the letter, I was reggreting it, but I took the last courage that I felt since then, and I gave her the letter, thinking that after that, I never see her again. Wrong, horribly wrong. I see her another 2 or 3 times, and I had these desperate intrusive thoughts where she read the note, she not, she liked it, she not, even if she hated me that much so she could find me and talked to me for how she isn't a lesbian (even she could be homophobic), that she may felt angry and unconfortable for that note... a lot of possibilities haunting me even today.

I had been crying a lot when I had chance to do it, I feel better after crying and I calm down a bit, but then I remember, I reggret, I feel horrible person, and I do not know what to do!!!

I do not know if a letter like the one I gave to her needs a response (to me), for first I just wanted to tell her how I felt, I wasn't expecting for a response, but after give her the letter I couldn't think the same, and I do not why I thought and feel this way!

After giving her the note, and after thinking in all the possibilities, I thought that I shitted big it, that I could be slowly and asked her for a friendship first, that I could meet her and know her better, that I couldn't need to be that obsessive and compulsive. I brainwashed me that I won't something romantic with her, but in the deep I do. And all this stuff around my mind make me feel miserable. I feel even worse when I thought that she could feel bad with that, that she hated me, she's scared of me, she never want to see me again, and if we do, that she reject me in a painful way, ignoring me, or something like that.

I usually asked for an advice with my sister but she is working and she had a lot of stuff in her own bussiness.

If you read all it, please give me an advice. I can not be like this way more, I even feel angry with me but I be mean to my family, I feel my chest empty, I feel hungry but I can't eat, I won't move, I won't to do nothing.

I was thinking that I could contact her and explain me, but then I think that I shouldn't do that, that I said the things I wanted to and that I didn't said nothing wrong in the letter, but also I wanted to know what she thinks about me, that if I have a chance to meet her well. But I do not want to be seen as an stalker, I thought it was enough stalker for me with that letter.

I know that there is the most probable option: that I never seen her again and I'll forget all this in few days or weeks, but if I couldn't? If I do not talk to her she even may think that I wasn't that interested in her, if she thought this way after reading the letter.

[judassamara]

They couldn't help their chuckle. The fallen deity was rarely cuter than he was in moments like these. It was apparently his happy place. He didn't resist, allowing the man to pull him where he wanted and sitting with him.

While it was good news to hear that they knew some of the details now, it didn't help the situation. "So they used me as a means to punish Arjun," he murmured in summary. Judas was trying not to let the whole situation damper his mood, but the more it seemed unlikely to be fixed, the more upset he felt.

"So there's pretty much nothing I can do then, huh?" He let out a heavy sigh. "Well fuck me, I guess."

---

"In a nutshell," Matthew hummed, but he could feel the way Judas was tensing up as they became more upset when realization sank in.

"That is technically correct, but that deity could do something about it. I mean, if he cared enough to," the fallen deity added, blue eyes darting to Judas' face. "You could also just… Forget about him. I mean, you're most of the way there already…"

---

Matthew was in such a good mood that not only did Judas not want to ruin it, it was making him feel a little better.

"I'm not trying to get my memories back for him," he replied, meeting Matthew's gaze. "You know I don't like people fucking with my mind. I just want my memory back, and for my mind to be just mine."

---

Matthew nodded in acknowledgement. Judas had a rough history of exactly that and it only seemed to keep compounding. "I cannot be of more help magic-wise since magic related to the mind is not exactly my forte…" he started as his hand moved to thread their fingers together.

"But this is a party. And you should relax… I mean, I could distract you right now?" he suggested, allowing the spell that was cast on all the party guests to wash over him once more. Surely his agreement with Judas was void now that Arjun was out of the picture. "If you'd like…"

---

"I know, it's okay. I appreciate you finding out what you could for me though." Their eyes went to their hands as fingers began to weave together. He didn't know if they'd ever held hands like this outside of that vision forever ago.

Judas couldn't deny that he wanted to stay in Matthew's company. He had missed being around him, especially lately. "And how do you plan on distracting me?" He teased lightly. "I'm sure you were having more than enough fun already."

---

"I could always have more fun," the fallen deity chuckled and leaned in to press their lips together for a kiss, propriety was out the window now that Judas was clearly receptive.

"You like this, don't you?" Matthew asked when they separated for a moment.

---

Somehow, it felt like he knew what was coming and they didn't resist it. Their lips met and Judas leaned in just a little bit more.

"Of course I do," he murmured softly, "but I remember how last wine fest went, and my feelings are still the same." They hated pushing Matthew away, already missing him enough as it was.

---

Matthew was getting lost in the kiss, finding that he had missed this as well. It felt comfortable and familiar to be kissing Judas like this.

"That was a long time ago. We need not dwell on that…" he said as he caught Judas' gaze. Judas still had feelings for him and this would have been the perfect moment to be vulnerable, to say that Matthew returned them too, especially now that someone had shoved Arjun out of Judas' mind for him. Matthew was an inherently selfish person, but if Judas wanted this too, then surely this would not be wrong.

"I know I shouldn't say this.. Given what we…" Matthew stopped himself because it only made sense that Judas did not remember the agreement, right? So why remind them? "I mean… I've come to realize my own feelings for you, Judas. So perhaps this wine fest can be different."

---

"Matthew…" he murmured softly, hoping the look he gave him was enough to tell him that wasn't going to happen. It was clear Matthew was going to say it didn't matter, but it still mattered to Judas. It would always matter to him.

"What?" Their voice was quiet, but their eyes were widening, staring at the man in front of him. He knew he was letting his heart get ahead of him. Matthew was often very careful with his words, meaning only exactly what the words said and not what someone might think they meant. "What do you mean?"

---

"I mean…" Matthew started. He had hoped what he said would have been enough, but that was clearly not the case for Judas and now the fallen deity could not help how his heart was suddenly beating faster. "I mean that I have…" And even when Matthew finally realized what he felt for Judas, the words were still just as difficult to get out.

"I have feelings for you.. I had for some time, I just did not realize them… And then you left me and I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell you."

---

While it was never going to be easy for Matthew to be vulnerable and honest, Judas needed him to be, especially if he was really saying what he thought he was. His expression softened and he reached up to cup the fallen deity's cheek as he kissed him softly.

"Would have saved us a lot of trouble if you could have realized it sooner," they teased gently. Of course, he was also a little tipsy from all the wine, and the magic, so there was no telling if his story would change after tonight, but Judas could enjoy this moment.

---

The soft kiss felt much nicer than any of the other ones they exchanged before and Matthew melted into it.

"I do not enjoy talking about such things…" he huffed, unable to stop the warmth from rising in his cheeks. "And you're alright with this?" Matthew asked with a tilt of his head because that promise he made to them about their relationship with Arjun still hung around in Matthew's mind. And this was one of the rare instances where Matthew was considering the consequences of this moment should Judas ever get their memories back. Not that he voiced that part out loud.

---

"I know you don't," they chuckled, "but it's important to be honest with your feelings." The look in Matthew's eyes told him there was something he didn't know about, but there was no changing it now. "There'll be issues to fix when I finally get my memory back, but I still love you. That hasn't changed. If you're willing to stick around through this drama, then that's enough for me."

---

There would be plenty of things to fix, of that Matthew was certain, and he could only see this blowing up in his face once that happened despite what Judas was saying. But he was too caught up in the moment, especially now that he had Judas in his arms and all to himself. Astrid had done him a serious favour with ridding Judas of Arjun and in this moment, that was all the mattered.

The fallen deity surged forward to catch Judas' lips with his own because actions spoke louder than words after all and oh, how Matthew wanted and needed this. He practically pounced on the other and pushed the vampire down, the kiss not breaking even as Judas' back hit the grass.

---

Their lips met again and Judas let his arms wrap around Matthew, ready to pull him closer. Instead, they fell back onto the grass. He let out a small noise as the fallen deity landed on top of him.

He chuckled against his lips, arms holding his waist tighter. "Someone's eager," they teased when they broke apart for air.

---

The corners of Matthew's lips curled as he looked down at the vampire. "Don't you know who I'm dressed as this evening?" he asked with a gesture towards the ornate robe that fell open enticingly to reveal his bare chest. Matthew did not often appear in public in clothing that was so brazen, but he felt like something different for this year's party and decided to attend as the God of Lust, Himeros. The magic spell that weaved through the costume and into Matthew's person was also encouraging his eagerness.

"It would be strange if I were not eager for this… Do you like it?"

---

"I don't actually know the greek god mythos all that well, but it's very sexy and seductive," he replied, his fingers lifting to brush down Matthew's bare chest. He'd had Naz's help figuring out his outfit this time.

"I like everything you do." They pulled him down into another kiss, humming softly against his lips. Oh, how they'd missed this feeling.

---

"I'm Himeros. One of the Gods of Love," Matthew grinned and stepped in closer, enjoying the feeling of Judas' fingers brushing a trail down his chest. "More specifically, the God of erotic desire…"

It was as if the floodgates had been opened once Matthew declared that. He was properly inebriated, the spell was pushing him to just go with the flow given what was happening and he did not need to worry about that pesky deity getting in the way. Not when Judas did not have their memories right now. "Good…" he whispered into the kiss before tilting his head to deepen it. He enjoyed how it was Judas who made the first move to kiss him this time.

---

"So you're the god of one night stands?" he teased, though he didn't have much to say after that. They wrapped their arms around Matthew, holding him close as they kissed. It was familiar, but in a nostalgic way. It had been a long time since they'd kissed, and a lot of things, and people, had occurred since then. Right now, all he wanted to do was kiss him and rememorize the sound of his heart beating just for them.

---

"It doesn't have to be one night. I can do two or three. Sometimes even four," Matthew chuckled into the kiss and his hands moved into the folds of Judas' costume to touch the vampire even more. He missed the familiar feeling of Judas under his hands, something they both denied each other for a very long time.

"Shall we go somewhere more private?" he asked between kisses, his hands becoming a touch more desperate when he started shoving at Judas' clothes.

---

"I'm well aware," he hummed in response, sighing as warm hands moved across his chest. That was the only thing he missed, the warm feeling of hands on his body. Their lips briefly followed Matthew's as he moved away briefly to speak.

"Probably a good idea. The ground isn't the most comfortable place ever."

---

"No, it isn't," the fallen deity smiled before leading Judas a bit away to a nearby alcove. He sank down onto the plush cushion and tugged the vampire on top of him.

"This is infinitely better," Matthew purred and tugged Judas between his legs, followed by pulling Judas' face in for another kiss. "I've missed this… Tell me you've missed this too."

---

Judas followed where they were led, completely smitten in this moment. It wasn't long until he was the one on top of Matthew, gladly being pulled into another kiss, not wanting to stop any time soon.

"Of course I missed it," he murmured against Matthew's lips. "I missed you." And then, just a second too late, he recognised the heartbeat approaching and when they turned their gaze to the side, they saw Arjun, the look on his face causing his chest to tighten in an uncomfortable ache.

"Sorry for interrupting… again."

"Arjun!" they called as they quickly sat up, the guilt in his chest driving him to try to make him feel better and fix the hurt he cause, despite the hurt it would inevitably cause Matthew in the process.

---

Matthew was giddy with joy, happy to have Judas in his arms like this again, but that happiness was short lived because that blasted deity had stumbled upon them. Again.

The fallen deity could feel anger rising in his chest and was about to lash out, but Judas started to pull away from him. "Judas. Let him go. Stay here. With me," he said, voice soft as if he were afraid of what Judas might do. Who they will choose.

---

Judas's eyes darted from Arjun's retreating form back to Matthew, but the good mood was gone, replaced by guilt, more guilt than they were ever going to know how to handle. Their mouth opened to speak, but the words died on his tongue.

"I…" His gaze turned back to where Arjun had been. "I owe it to him to explain," he murmured finally, getting up without meeting Matthew's eyes. "I'll come find you after."

---

Matthew knew what was going to happen the moment Judas pushed themself up to stand. The vampire would not even look him in the eye anymore. He could feel an ache in his chest starting to form because this was always going to happen, wasn't it? Baring his heart never got Matthew anywhere, so why did he even think to keep trying?

Blue eyes were torn away from Judas' form as Matthew pushed himself up to stand, his back straighter and more rigid than before. "Alright then," he said, voice cold as he tugged his robe around himself and waved a dismissive hand at the other man. "Run along. Don't let me stop you."

"Well, aren't I lucky," Matthew chuckled, enjoying the light-headedness he was still feeling from the wine and also the blood loss that his demonic body was recovering from.

"I happen to be able to multitask," he pointed out jokingly. "I spoke to people and answers appeared." The fallen deity squeezed Judas' arm to lead them to a nearby area where they could take a seat.

"So that curse that has been placed on you," Matthew started because why not just cut to the chase. "It is conditional, as I suspected. Someone's got it out for that deity you associate with because he wronged them in the past. The curse will not lift until he contends with what he did." Matthew was not going to deny that he took some joy in Arjun's misfortune, but he also had to check himself for Judas' sake especially since this came at Judas' expense.

[pinkxlicious]

Oliver Wood pt. 2

Oliver Wood

Tbh I just bullshitted the end, im not that crazy about this oneshot....

Word count: 1,348

'''

You returned back to your common room, your roommate, Luna Lovegood, gave you a confused look, refering to your muddy clothes and messy hair. You mumbled something incoherent before grumbling to yourself all the way to the bathroom.

You avoided the mirror before turning on the shower to a steamy setting. You walked out and grabbed some clothes, unknowingly you grabbed your boyfriend's shirt. You quickly stripped and jumped into the steaming shower. Your muscles relaxed as you contemplated your life and your relationship with your boyfriend.

You loved Oli very dearly, and it hurt like hell after hearing Angelina tell you what he said about you. He was drunk so he probably didn't mean it, but it still didn't sit right with you.

'Drunk thoughts are sober thoughts'

That singular quote repeated over and over in your head until you realized you've been standing in the shower for almost ten minutes, doing absolutely nothing. You quickly finish up and leave the bathroom. You notice your roommates have left the room and you had the room to yourself.

You the heard rapid knocking on you door, it sounded urgent so you quickly whipped open the door. You were met face to face with Oliver. He looked absolutely hammered from his hangover. He pushed his way inside and closed the door, he grabbed you by the waist and kissed you hard. He still tasted faintly of alcohol and he smelt a bit like smoke. You couldn't help but melt into him. But not for long, the remembrance of what Angelina had told you and the fact that he left you all alone in the dark. Where you had no where to go and where you were vulnerable. Death eaters where everywhere. Last week there was a break in, though it was quickly resolved you feared for your life everyday. Most students were pulled out of school by their parents because of the incident. You shivered at the thought of being kidnapped and tortured by a death eater.

You pushed Oliver away and wiped your slick lips,

"You have a LOT of explaining to do. You LEFT me in a field all alone! Have you forgotten what happened last week? Lavender Brown almost DIED, Hogwarts is no longer safe, and you have the NERVE to pull something like this???" you grew angrier with every word as you pointed to his chest. Oliver sighed and looked up at the ceiling, and then back down at you. He pressed his forehead to yours and spoke softly,

"Sweetheart I was drunk as hell, I really didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean to leave you out there like that. If I could go back and take it back I would, I know how scared you are. I will never do that again,"

"Thats not enough Oli, you got insanely drunk and humiliated me in front of all your Gryffindor friends. And no offense, all you fucking Gryffindors and NEVER keep your damn mouths shut. I've had at least ten people come up to me asking about YOU and what YOU said about me!" You backed away from his touch and crossed your arms. "If you had an issue with me in the first place you should've just came to me. You shouldn't have gotten piss drunk and go about telling everyone OUR business."

Oliver looked slightly confused,

"I'm not sure what you're talking about? Humiliated you? What do you mean, what did I say??"

"Of course you don't remember, you were so drunk you were shouting in the common room about how much you wish I was gone. About how much I annoyed you, and that sometimes you wished I was never your girlfriend. Apparently you also said things much much worse than that. But I am not sure if I wanna know what you said." You said coldly, hurt laced your words. Although you kept your tone consistent, Oliver could hear a small break in your words and his heart broke.

"I can explain. I- I actually can't, I just need you to know that whatever I said was mindless babbling. I would never intentionally hurt you and I hope you know that everything I said was shit. I am a shitty person for even getting that drunk in the first place. I'm sorry for humiliating you, leaving you out in the dark. I- I wouldn't know what to do with myself if you got because of me.." Oliver poured his heart out, he loved his girl, she was the most beautiful being to walk on Earth. The moment he had her to himself he decided to devote his entire life to loving every part of her. He couldn't believe how close and how careless he could be to losing his other half, his love, his light, his will to live.

"You shouldn't have been so careless," You said quietly. Your heart swelled slightly with sadness but also appreciation, you read him so well. His face expressed regret, remorse, and love. You knew he loved you, but this one thing contradicted your feelings. "I wish you didn't say those things."

Oliver nearly cried, he fell to his knees and hugged your legs. You looked at him shocked, as he looked up to you pleading for forgiveness.

 "I would never in a million years mean those words. Darling, I'm so devoted to you, you could hurt me over and over again and I would never speak those words and mean it. Because at the end of the day you are who I want, who I look for. I know I am being extremely cheesy... but its truly how I feel. I'm so in love with you and I just want your forgiveness, you're all I want," Oliver gushed out, his confident exterior always seemed to melt when he was around you. Nobody would've guessed that the cocky, confident quidditch captain had such a soft heart.

You took a deep breath and pulled him up from the floor and sighed.

"Baby, you didn't have to do all that. I forgive you, I really do,"

"Oh thank Merlin," Oliver breathed out, "darling, I'm so obsessed with you. I cannot-I will not ever forgive myself for almost losing you like that. I swear on my life this will never happen again."

He stared into your eyes with so much love and want. He kissed you cautiously, you kissed him deeper. You pulled his face in, you rubbed your thumb soothingly against his cheek. He held your waist tightly, never wanting to let you go. He held you tightly against him, appreciating how you forgave him.

"How can I repay you? For being so kind as always, you're too good to me," Oliver whispered shaking his head. "you treat me so well, and look what I'm doing to you."

You stared into his eyes,

"Just kiss me,"

"Gladly,"

You pull him in by his belt looks and capture his lips into a long passionate kiss. You wrap your arms around his neck as he touches your waist, gliding his hands around. Feeling every part of you, hoping you know that he loves every inch of your body.

"I'm never letting you go, I'm never leaving you again, you're never leaving my side," Oliver murmured, more to himself, he still felt horrible.

"You are forgiven, I forgive you," You whisper into his ear as you kiss his jawline gently.

"What else can I do? Let me make it up to you please. I cannot forgive myself unless I give you all I can," Oliver begged, tilting your head so you made eye contact with him. You fell silent, considering what to ask of him.

"Maybe take me out on a date, a nice one," You said, you didn't want to ask too much of him, although you knew he would give you the world if he could. 

"That's all?" Oliver asked, quirking an eyebrow. "If I were you, I would've asked myself to beg for forgiveness... oh but I guess I already did that..."

"No, you've already apologized, and I will take your word for it. I love you and I'm willing to give you another chance."

"You're so perfect,"

[mtsyik]

The first move

Jotaro x reader fluff

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Jotaro likes to make the first move.

It's not necessarily a man's issue, and neither will it hurt his pride or masculinity if things don't go his way. But he is a man that isn't fond of surprises, and likes to know ahead. This way he can prepare himself for any situation ahead, and the people close to him are all aware of that.

What they aren't aware of however, was that this was all just a facade to hide how vulnerable he was to sudden things and how taken aback he can look. And in a relationship, it's a great way to make sure that he can be as romantic as he wants to be with surprises.

And no, he will never admit this out aloud.

It's not his fault, it really isn't. But he has been like this ever since he was a child. He doesn't go as far as to do way-too-over the top things and proposals- like fireworks in the sky, or spending a fortune on just one ring. But he does use to his advantage his good memory. He remembers all the little things about you- what food you like and what flavor ice cream is your favorite, a piece of jewelry that you saw a couple years back, what part of your body you are most insecure of, and to remind you that you're beautiful.

So when five years ago you casually asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with you while casually watching tv and eating shitty pizza in the middle of the night, he was pissed.

He had known you since Egypt, that being 2 years of developing a crush on you that had turned to love. You didn't piss him off like the rest and understood his boundaries. You were understanding and passionate about what you liked- he was absolutely whipped from the moment he saw you fight.

He had planned out everything- flowers, a necklace, your favorite restaurant, and ice cream afterwards; the dream proposal for his for his dream person.

So he absolutely lost it when you were faster at confessing for a week. Just one week and everything would've gone the way he wanted to. And not only that, you were pretty okay with the way you confessed. Like it wasn't a big deal at all.

At first he thought to say no, just so he could get it his way, but when he saw the way you were looking at him with heart eyes he couldn't help but agree. Sure he was sulky, but hey, he got what he wanted, right?

When you found out about what you had accidently done through Noriaki, you almost pissed yourself laughing. Jotaro was also there, a scowl on his face as he tried to cover his blush with his hat. You kept trying to hold his hand and kiss him as a way to apologize but he kept shooing you away, embarrassed.

When you two got home you were still laughing, and he was still embarrassed as shit. You weren't supposed to find out about his failed attempt, but you just had to ask why he had been sulky for the past couple of weeks.

Eventually he forgave you and said that it didn't cost that much anyway (it did). You still got to go to all these places, but it wasn't that special anymore.

Now it has been 5 years since you two got together, and things are looking your way. You have managed to put some ground rules about certain things, and boundaries about certain others. You communicate with him, and he communicates with you. Overall it's going perfect and neither of you could ask for anything better. So naturally, marriage was on his mind.

It was on your mind too, but you were too scared to say anything in case you ruin his attempt at a proposal like you did back then. Jotaro still mentions it from time to time, clearly buthurt about the situation still. So, you avoided the subject.

But when one day you go to visit his mother and to drop some tapewear off, she seemed to bring up a very valid point.

'Why aren't you two married yet? Does Jotaro not want marriage? Shouldn't you two talk about it?'

Honestly it was a good question. Because like the morons that you two are, you and Jotaro never actually had this conversation yet.

And then it hits you. What if he doesn't want marriage? Have the past 5 years of your life been wasted on someone that doesn't want the same things that you do? What about kids? Oh my God what if he doesn't want kids?

Holly -being the angel that she is- took notice in the way you stopped mid way of what you were doing just to stare wide eyed at the counter, and tried to dismiss the thought. 'I mean that's just a thought, why wouldn't he want to marry you?'

And then, the insecurities came in. What if you were the problem? Does he not like something about you? Is he not satisfied? Should you change? Your clothes, your make up? Or is it the sex? What if instead of a proposal he wanted to break up? After all, even the beginning of your relationship didn't go as he planned. Maybe he wants to break up.

So, you decided to do the same thing you have been doing for the past 5 years. Communicate with Jotaro. It was a serious subject to you, so you wanted to know where he stands. Taking a deep breath in, you unlocked the door of your shared apartment and entered it with fake confidence, determined to find out about your future.

And there he was, sitting on a stool on the counter peacefully, having just come home judging from his attire, with two pizza boxes in hand.

"Oh hey, how was your day?" He asks casually while setting the pizza down as he takes a look at you.

"Just peachy". You take off your shoes and slip on your slippers as you leave your purse at the entrance. You wash your hands at the kitchen sink and sit down beside him to eat. Food is more important, the future can wait.

"I got pizza since there was no food". He stated. He knew that if you wanted to talk about your day, you would. So he let you on your own for now.

You hum as you open up the pizza box as he started eating. You noticed that one of the pizzas had peppers on it and one didn't. You look at him.

"You don't like peppers, so I got you a separate one. You don't have to finish it if you don't want to". He talks calmly while munching on a piece.

Your eyes water at his thoughtfulness. Maybe it's the fact that you haven't eaten all day, or maybe it was the stress, but you can't help but let out a small sniff as you look at your pepperless pizza.

He instantly takes notice in this, and wipes his hands before grabbing your free hand. "Are you okay?" He gently rubs your knuckles and you glance at him with wide glassy eyes.

"Why won't you marry me?" You sob out and he pauses for a moment before clenching his jaw and taking his hand back.

"If you don't want to that's fine-"

"Fucking hell woman". He looks annoyed. He reaches for something from his breastpocket while avoiding eye contact.

And he pulls out a small box, small enough to fit one thing. A ring.

You clam your mouth shut and the tears in your eyes stop, but your eyes remain glassy. You feel so stupid.

He opens up the box and inside is a beautiful ring, simple and elegant, and you recognize it from four years ago where you pointed out (as a joke) that that's the ring you wanted when you two would get married.

"If you for fucking once would just let me do my thing." He sighs as he opens up his palm and you give him your hand, and he slips the ring in your ring finger, and it fits perfectly. Your other hand reaches for your mouth to try and conceal your smile.

He sighs as he turns away from you but this time he doesn't try to conceal his blush. He is bright red and he munches on a piece of pizza to distract himself.

You on the other hand, are over the moon, and you start giggling like a maniac before starting to laugh like one. You glance at the ring once more and you can't help but look at him with heart eyes. You reach up for his face and start peppering it with kisses while mumbling apologies.

Jotaro just sighs and pretends to ignore you but he has stopped eating and has wiped his hands, and now he is just sitting there accepting your kisses.

He grabs you but the waist and you continue to pepper his face with pecks and kisses while laughing. You are so stupid.

He looks less annoyed but you could tell he isn't completely calm. His blush has reached his ears when he asks you how you could think that he wouldn't want to marry you.He finally laughs when you duck your head into his neck embarrassed as you mumble what happened earlier.

And in the same way your relationship started, the same way it develops into a beautiful bond with the love your life, a bond that continues for years and years until you're both separated by death. And you swear this at the altar, and you swear this at each other, and you continue swearing this through good and through bad, through sicknesses and through health, you vow to love this man with your entire being and he vows to continue to love you the same way he has loved you since so many years ago.

And for the first time in his life, Jotaro can't say that he made the first move, because he didn't, and he didn't make the first move to the most important thing in his entire life. But as he watches you cradling your new born daughter, he thinks that maybe just this once, he can accept not making the first move.