#also to actually answer your question? i am feeling a gap in my meds and it is a ride. i am mostly trying not to be an asshole to people !

[picklerocket]

thin man irl. you good?

Yeah yeah! Friend I am so good.

[ghostofasecretary]

going insane. sasuga.

postulate:

when you want something to happen, it's good to take steps towards it or it probably will not happen

postulate:

people are likely to avoid things that feel bad

premise:

if both of these are true i have a fucking problem.

i hate! being this guy! i hate being up too late talking about how i haven't done my homework. i feel like i'm in high school or some shit and that feels *bad* on account of *high school fucking sucked* and i didn't like my life very much back then

(i mostly still did my homework except for the time i failed two classes. like. that did happen in midterms and i had a little mentie b or whatever. (after my grandma died? in senior year?? no, surely it was junior year, i remember how suicidal i was that break. it was...right, i think my school only did final grades, not midterms, i worked all Christmas to pull them back up.) i pulled my grades up through the power of generous teachers, actually. other people are often kind.

fuck!!!

question: if there is no reward for your efforts why make them?

answer: THERE ARE REWARDS, they're just long term ones!

also knowing i tried my best is usually rewarding but. at the moment. i think my best is pitiful and that feels bad

addendum: unfortunately for me, god's scrunkliest little bat, there are also a lot of ~adversives~ in this situation.

premise: shame is a bad motivator

supporting evidence: i haven't done anything since getting home and i literally just took my sleeping meds an hour after the Latest Possible Acceptable Time to do that and i didn't eat a real dinner and i'm still in my fucking work clothes

statement: i'm tired.

statement 2: taking a 7am class was a bad idea!

so glad i didn't take the 5am one! but also! when you know that you usually prefer to do One Thing Per Day, and to prep for that thing several hours in advance, in defiance of reasonable evidence-based arguments that you should do multiple things in smaller chunks per day. well. then maybe. you should make it so you aren't expecting yourself to wake up at 5am to prep for your 7am class if you want to do anything, OR stay up till midnight, or otherwise fuck up your sleep schedule *with no promise you'll actually get the work done or FEEL ANY BETTER*

issues:

- my skill level and knowledge base AS IT CURRENTLY STANDS makes doing this work. like. extremely difficult. it certainly feels like my options are a) put 8+ hours of work a week into it or b) fail.

- i'm intimidated by the people i'm in class with and i feel like i'm fucking up both my reputation + the environment of the class for everyone else

- in the past i HAVE tried doing the things i've done in similar classes. put, like, at least 4 hours of work in? i did thirty minutes of work earlier today. i'm not doing *nothing,* i'm just. fucking. failing?? it feels like no amount of work would be enough to keep me from failing???

- all i ACTUALLY have to do to "pass" is show up every day. this does not make me feel better because i like being good at things and feeling like my presence improves the world around me as opposed to the opposite of that

- i don't have a spare 8 hours! i barely have an extra four hours! this class happens on my Dedicated Study Day BUT, ALSO, CRITICALLY. IT HAPPENS AT 7AM.

- theoretically i could spend all my Monday coworking time and an hour after work each day on this? practically. i need to, like. do my accounting. fix my thrifted and old clothes. wind down after any long days of teaching. clean my room. eat food. make food to eat. and that would still only get me 6 hours. and i'm not sure that even fucking bridges the gap!!

[ - i need a second job so bad how the HELL am i supposed to manage any of this what the FUCK man]

- in the past i have prided myself on two things, academically. 1: doing the fucking work. 2: being willing to ask dumb questions and make an ass of myself if it means learning. turns out 2 is contingent on 1, at least in this context. as the kids say: Unfortunate.

- if i hadn't put this on my grad school apps i would seriously consider just. like. dropping this. i'm still considering that tbh. if the less advanced class weren't at, like, FOUR AM i'd consider switching to that and i've also considered emailing the instructor like "re: my failure to show up to your class prepared and able to participate. sorry. um."

and then i don't send that email, because i don't know what i WANT

- this isn't my first time failing a class. i've failed classes in high school. i went insane over them and somehow pulled it together. ...i'm not, like, objectively failing, i just FEEL like i'm failing.

- there's a fucking. easy bit of work we do every class that i could prep and i'd always rather do the Real Reading because that's what i *care* about but i don't have the *skills*

- last time i was this outclassed i WAS A FULL TIME STUDENT WITH A SUPPORTING LANGUAGE CLASS :/// SO I COULD DO 8 HOURS OF WORK AND IT WOULD MATTER!

and i still freaked the hell out a lot!!!!

(there were zero random respected profs there as my ""classmates""!!!!!!!!) (AND IT WAS IN THE AFTERNOON SO I COULD WORK ON IT ALL MORNING!!!)

- i can't afford to be this fucked up about this shit. i need to do other things with my energy and i need to feel good and i need to like living and i need to WANT to do this thing i do actually *like* when it's not *terrifying* and excruciatingly difficult!!

current thoughts:

i can actually just keep failing and showing up and disappointing myself and probably my instructor and classmates every day. like. there's no grade or threat stopping me, just Feeling Bad. historically that's not a great combo for me because i pick Feeling Bad over Massive Amounts Of Work While Feeling Bad every time and it never fucking feels good. since neither one feels good. and i'm tired and stressed so! what then!!

i should do Baby's Easiest Bit Of Work and then go to bed.

blaming everything on external stressors i chose to accept in the first place, especially when i have so much inner angst, feels very dumb. but that doesn't make it necessarily *wrong*

(also remember when my grandpa died and i showed up to class the next day? that sucked. this sucks! the material is fascinating and the language is beautiful and the people are lovely and i feel like i'm walking over hot coals made out of shame!!)

let's try, next week, a little experiment. the experiment is called Fuck It, I'm Just Showing Up. we'll do the very easy thing and nothing else unless we want to. rock up to class like i'm not a waste of space. listen and take notes and try to learn things and enjoy the experience.

i don't actually think it'll go well? but THIS (*gestures at the last ten-ish (non-linear) weeks of trying and failing to do the work adequately or. like. At All*) is going very badly indeed so something has to change. we'll try it.

the worst thing that can happen is that i'll feel stupid and look bad, right? and i already feel stupid and think i look bad.

...well, no, the worst option is that i'll feel stupid and like i could have done more and CHOSE NOT TO and i'll STILL look bad and it will be 100% my fault and i'll just be mad at myself forever.

find me 8 spare hours to spend re-teaching yourself a language and transcribing it between alphabets and translating objectively difficult language and then we'll talk, asshole. for now: FUCK IT. GO TO BED.

it is too late to chew over this for ages. you can ask friends for advice later. sleep!!!

[shadow-assassin-blix]

A Picture is a Poem Without Words

CHAPTER 4

A/N: Gif of Jessica Lowndes is from @lowndsiercs​. Usual canon type violence. I am not a medical expert, and I’ve never broken a bone before, so I legit have no idea how accurate the descriptions I used are. 

“Speak”

‘Thought’

“Spanish”

Blix woke up the next morning to her satellite phone going off. She blearily reached over to answer it, “Hello?”

“Boss. Another museum was hit. La Tertulia. The team is on their way there now. Shall I pick you up?” Came Theo’s voice rushed.

“Shit. No. I’ll make my way over there, need to be somewhat sneaky about it. My neighbors are too damn nosy. Already think I’m dating my CI, don’t need for them to see another man coming to pick me up,” She explained as she jumped out of bed, and started throwing clothes on. “I’ll see you in about 10 mins.”

She hung up and tossed her phone onto her bed so she could finish getting dressed. Two minutes later she was walking down the road to catch a cab. It did not take the cab very long to drop her off at the entrance of the museum. She made her way inside, and toward the crime scene in the archives.

She spotted Theo squatting down examining a piece of evidence with a pair of forceps.

“What do we got so far, Theo?” She asked as she stepped up to him.

“Not much. Just like the last couple of robberies. The cameras got a clear view of 5 men, but not of their faces. They kept their heads down almost the entire time,” Theo informed her as he set the piece of what appeared to be plastic.

“Almost?” She questioned with an eyebrow raised.

Theo smiled conspiratorially “We got a clear view of at least one them. We have already sent his photo off to figure out who he is.”

“Perfection. Now do we know what was stolen?” She inquired as she looked around.

Many of the crates were ripped opened with straw thrown about. However, as she looked into them, she couldn’t see anything actually missing.

There was one crate that looked awkwardly placed. As she inspected it, she noted that serial number painted on it, did not match the style of the crates around her.

She walked over to one of the evidence kits that held a power drill. She quietly undid the screws holding the top down. As it came loose, she knelt down, gently lifting the lid, inspecting it for any wires. Upon seeing nothing, she slid the top off.

As she stood back up, her breath caught in her throat. She could see something lighting up. She moved the straw packaging away, to reveal a bomb, that was at 45 seconds.

“Everyone! Get out! GET OUT NOW!” She yelled once it had fully registered. “It’s a bomb!”

She heard multiple pairs of feet scrambling to get out and she looked around. ‘I’m too far from the door. I’m not going to make it.’

She saw a gap amongst the crates and dived for it as the timer reached 10 seconds. She buried herself amongst them and wrapped her arms around her head to protect it.

*BOOM*

The blast sent crates crashing everywhere. Theo who had made it outside, and dove for the cement, shook off the glass that had fallen onto his body as he stood up.

“Blix? Anyone seen her? Blix? BLIX!” Theo called out looking around trying to find her.

Theo waved his hands in front of his face, trying to clear the smoke and debris around him. He turned his head left and right trying to find her.

Upon realization that she was not outside, he came to the horrifying conclusion that she had been inside. He coughs several times, trying to clear his lungs, as he made his way back to the entrance.

There were several crates on fire, and there were many that were collapsed on top of each other. Others were getting ready to crash to the ground, teeter this way and that. He made his way toward where the explosive crate was at. He tried squinting to see where she may have gone.

As he turned in circles, looking everywhere, he spied something. A hand. He rushed over to it, pushing fragments of wood off to unveil Blix, underneath it all.

“Blix! Boss! Can you hear me?” Theo exclaimed as he tried to survey the damage done to her.

She groaned loudly, “Have I… ever told you… how much I… hate this job?”

Theo chuckled and sighed in relief. “You’ve mentioned it once or twice.”

“My foot… its pinned,” she noted with pain as she tried to move.

He looked at where her feet would be and began digging it out from under the rubble. “you have a large bronze statue on your foot,” he said after a moment. “Hold on.”

Theo wrapped his arms around the statue and began to lift it with a grunt. He was able to lift it up to a point, but he couldn’t fully lift it off. He shoved it off to the side, so it was no longer pinning her down.

She sighed in relief at the pressure being removed, “Theo. I would… very much… like to get... out of…” She trailed off as she passed out.

Theo swore and quickly picked her up, so he could carry her out.

“Damn girl… do you ever eat? No. That’s a dumb question, I’ve seen you out eat half the guys on the team,” He muttered as he adjusted her in his arms.

He carried her out as swiftly as he could and once he had stepped outside he called for a medic. The situation outside was chaotic, as everyone tried to assess the damage that had been done.

Paramedics came up to him with a stretcher and he set her on it. They began checking her vitals and securing her to it. They rushed off with her to a nearby ambulance and as much as he wished he could follow, he had to deal with the crime scene before him.

Hours later, Blix was resting comfortably in a hospital room. She was still unconscious when Theo finally was able to check in on her. He had been dealing with multiple phone calls to the embassy, and members of the DEA and Search Bloc asking for details. He was exhausted by the time he collapsed in the chair next to her bed.

The doctor had explained to him that she had busted her head open, broke some things, and she had a piece of wood pierce her side that they had to surgically remove. Beyond that she had various bruises, scrapes, and sprains.

They had her on some pretty heavy pain meds which meant she probably was going to be sleeping the rest of the night, but he did not wish to leave her alone. So, he made himself as comfortable as he could in the small plastic chair that sat in her room and fell into a light sleep.

It was in the early hours of the morning when Blix finally stirred. She groaned in pain as she shifted, jostling her many injuries unintentionally.

She looked over to the side and spied Theo sitting there.

“Theo,” she croaked, before trying to clear her throat as irritants made themselves known.

He jerked awake and blinked rapidly, looking around. His eyes eventually landed on her and he sighed with relief.

“Hey. How you feeling?” He asked leaning forward.

“Like shit. Theo. Go home. You smell like you were in an explosion,” She responded after a moment, trying to adjust herself gently.

He snorted and replied jokingly, “Really? Strange.”

He looked at her for a long moment and said with concern, “I don’t want to leave you alone here. I’m fine with staying.”

She smiled tiredly, and assured, “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. Go get yourself cleaned up. I’ll probably be passing back out here in a moment anyway. I’m sure Anita is worried about her husband.”

“She knows where I’m at. I’ll… I’ll get cleaned up and then check back on you around noon, yeah?” He conceded with a sigh.

She nodded her head once before slowly drifting off to sleep again. Theo made his way out and back home.

When Blix woke again, she could feel the sunlight on her face. She squinted her eyes and scrunched up her face as sleep left her. She could hear movement as she became aware of her surroundings.

She finally pried her eyes opened and looked around. Who she saw was not who she was expecting.

“Pacho?” She whispered as she rubbed her eyes to clear them.

“Hi sweetness. How are you feeling?” He softly asked as he took a seat on the bed.

“I’ve had better days, I will say,” She answered as she tried to push herself up into a sitting position.

He reached over and gently lifted her up, adjusting her pillow so she was comfortable.

She thanked him quietly and sighed heavily. Before she could say much else, the nurse walked in.

“Oh! You’re awake! Good. Let me go get your doctor,” She exclaimed before stepping back out for a moment.

She walked back in with a doctor, and as the doctor spoke with Blix, she checked the machines that were hooked up to her.

“Hello, Miss Lage. I am Doctor Garza. Tell me what is your current pain level?” He introduced before asking.

“Umm. About 5. Maybe a 6. So, what’s the damage report?” She asked wanting to know what had happened to her.

“Well. Miss Lage to begin with you have quite the bump to your head. We shall be checking on you throughout the day to make sure you do not have a concussion. We had to surgically remove a chunk of wood that had imbedded itself in your side. There are some broken bones in your left foot, and it has been placed into a cast. Beyond that, your ribs are bruised, and have various other bruises, scrapes on your body. Your right wrist also was sprained at some point. If I may say so, you are very lucky to be alive,” He explained gesturing to each wound as he spoke.

She hummed softly, “Just more scars to add to the list.”

Pacho took her hand in his and gently brushed his thumb over the back of her hand. She smiled at him weakly.

“Maria here will be taking your vitals, and checking you for any symptoms of a concussion,” Doctor Garza finished. “Please let me know if you need anything else.”

Maria then began to check her eyes and ask her questions about herself, and the date/time, etc. She wasn’t quite sure of the time since there wasn’t a clock, she just knew it was early.

The conversation took about 5 minutes, before the nurse than made sure she was comfortable, and not feeling pain. She then left after jotting down some notes.

Once they were alone again, Blix sighed, “I hate hospitals. Hate being stuck in them. I wouldn’t by chance be able to talk you into a jailbreak, would I?”

He chuckled at my question. “Very tempted lovely. I think you should stay here at least for a day.”

“Boo. You’re no fun,” she pouted.

He simply shook his head at me and simply said, “I took the liberty of paying for all of the expenses. You have nothing to worry about. I will also be picking you up when you are released, and I shall take care of you.”

“Oh. Pacho. No. You don’t have to do that honey. I can take care of myself just fine,” She denied his offer with a shake of her head

“Yes, I am well aware you can take care of yourself but... isn’t it about time someone took care of you?” He said with a smirk and a kiss to her cheek.

“Oh. Wow.” She breathed, not expecting that response. “That’s… that’s a good line. That might have even earned you a yes.”

“It’s not a line, darling, it’s purely for selfish reason. Need to keep my favorite agent alive. No use to me dead,” Pacho said dryly.

She stared at him for a moment, slightly surprised. She shook her head, looking away. ‘Unbelievable.’

“Right. Forgot. To you I’m nothing more than a pawn. You should go. My coworkers will probably be here soon,” She dismissed him not sparing him another glance.

He narrowed his eyes at her and reached up to grab her chin and turned her head back to him.

“If you were merely a pawn, I would’ve just sent flowers,” He informed her annoyed.

His eyes scanned her face for a second, before he pressed his lips to hers. She didn’t respond in kind and as he pulled away, he quietly muttered, “Don’t be like that.”

“I was serious. My coworkers will be coming to check on me soon. You should get back to work… or whatever it is you do during the day. Thank you for coming to see me, and for paying the bill. I’ll be sure to pay you back,” She said softly in response, wishing to avoid any conflict.

“I’m sure that I will see you soon. I believe you mentioned something about giving me more details on König? Plus, you owe me an explanation on your dealings with him,” She concluded with a faint smile.

“Okay. I will go. I was serious though. I wish to take care of you while you heal. Allow me that simple pleasure,” He gently pleaded stroking his knuckles over her jaw.

She nodded her head after a moment, and gives him a small, chaste kiss. He took his leave a moment later.

Not 10 minutes had passed before her coworkers walked in, carrying various flowers, balloons and bears.

“Good lord. Guys! What is this?” She laughed.

“Us, showing our appreciation over the best boss, who risked her life to save ours and wound up in a hospital bed,” Cynthia happily replied as she started to set things around her. “Ooh. It appears you’ve already had a visitor I see!”

Blix looked over to where she was looking at confused. Next to her bed was a bouquet of roses and lilies, in a beautiful shade of pink.

She gaped at the flowers, before reaching over to grab the note attached to them.

“Something to make you smile, darling. – P.”

She bit her lip, as a smile appeared on her face. “Bastard.” She whispered.

“Who are these from? Girl, you’ve been holding out on us!” Cynthia teased.

“Just a friend,” Blix said vaguely.

“A friend? A friend who paid probably $500 for these flowers, given where they are from? One of the most expensive flower shops in the city, and he’s ‘just a friend,’” Cynthia replied with a scoff.

“It’s… it’s complicated. That’s all I can really say,” Blix tried to explain.

They all took seats and began chitchatting. It had been awhile since she had felt so relax and laughed genuinely.

Throughout their visit, the nurse would come in and check on her, or bring her a meal.

As the day was ending, Blix couldn’t help the yawns that kept rising up. Theo noticed that it was getting late and announced that they should probably leave and let Blix rest. They all said their goodbyes one by one, until it was just Theo.

“By the way boss, the ambassador wants you to take 2 weeks off to heal. No exceptions,” He informed her wincing, expecting her to get upset.

She nodded and said “I expected that. It’s okay. I am not going to be able to do much with this foot anyway.”

Theo nodded back and waved goodbye. She sighed at the silence of the room, and gently wiggled her body to lie further down.

She was staring at the flowers that she was left, and she couldn’t help the smile that crept as she admired them.

“I take it you like them?” She heard a voice gently ask.

She jumped as she flicked her eyes back over to the door. Pacho stood there, his hands in his pockets as he sauntered over.

“Yes. I do like them. They are very beautiful,” She thanked him as scooted over to make room for him to sit.

“I… may have said something in poor taste earlier. And I wish to apologize for that,” he admitted as he sat down.

“Oh? Is that so?” Blix said loftily.

“Yes. I am sorry. I did not mean to sound uncaring. Nor did I mean it to sound like I thought you were a simple pawn,” He apologized quietly.

“Thank you. I uh.. I’m sorry for getting upset like I did. It’s not like we are dating or anything. Just because we slept together doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly someone of great importance to you,” She said with a wince as she thought back to that morning.

“Oh sweetness, when are you going to realize? I meant what I said earlier. If you were of no importance, I would have just sent flowers. Not bring them myself and check up on you personally,” He stated firmly with a kiss.

“Would… would it bother you if I asked you to stay a while? At least until I fell asleep?” Blix requested after a moment.

“No, it would not bother me at all,” He responded with a soft smile.

He laid down on the bed as best as he could, on his side, curling an arm around her, as his other tucked itself under her pillow. She wrapped her arms around him as best as she could and buried her face into his chest and neck. She fell asleep in minutes.

The next morning, she woke up alone, and spent the day making calls from the hospital phone to check in with Javier, Horacio, and her bosses.

Beyond that she spent the day, being checked on and having tests run to make sure everything was okay. By that evening she was cleared for release.

As she was rolled out to the front of the hospital with a bag full of meds and bandages, true to his word, Pacho stood there leaning against his Thunderbird.

He walked over to her and helped her up. “Hello dear.”

She smiled in response as she slowly stood and took the crutches that were being handed to her. She made her way over to his car and he followed behind her. He helped her inside and waited till she was situated before closing the door.

He got in and drove off. “I was thinking that we go by your place. You get whatever you need for work, and then you come home with me. Tomorrow, we will sit down and talk with Gilberto and Miguel about König and what we know about him,” He proposed as he reached over to hold her hand.

“Pacho. You’ve already done too much. Plus, I plan to give back the “tip” you three gave me. I am perfectly fine with taking care of myself,” Blix protested with a small sigh.

“I truly hate repeating myself, beautiful. I wish to take care of you, so accept it,” He said firmly, leaving no room for argument.

They pulled up to her house soon afterwards. He helped her grabbed the 5 files she still had sitting out and placed them in the trunk of his car. As she stepped into her office, to grab her notes, he leaned against the door frame and whistled at the sight he saw.

“A bit obsessed, I see?” He wondered with wide eyes.

She looked at him and then at her wall, and simply mouthed “A little bit” complete with hand motion.

He strode up to the wall, and examined it further, noting with a smirk that she had pinned the photos he sent her on the wall as well.

She had gathered what notes and pens she would need for her conversation tomorrow with the brothers.

“Is that everything?” Pacho inquired.

“I mean, I still need to get clothes and such. My sat phone,” She listed looking at him confused.

“Get your phone. I will provide you with clothes, unless of course you wish to wander around my home naked? Which… I wouldn’t protest,” He flirted pulling her closer to him.

She shook her head at him, and as she started to move past him, she realized, “My phone is upstairs…”

“Get back to the car, I’ll get it for you,” He offered with a chuckle.

She made her way back out, thankful that she only had 3 steps to go down as she hobbled outside. She held the notes close to her chest as she opened the door, and practically collapsed onto the seat.

She took a moment to breathe, the pain meds she had taken before she left the hospital were slowly wearing off, and an ache was building up in her chest and side.

Pacho had at this point left the house and made sure it was locked behind him. He made his way around to her side and helped her straighten up, moving the crutches out of her way. He gave her a quick kiss once she was settled.

He got into the car and took off, leaving the city behind them and steering toward the countryside. They drove for about an hour before finally turning onto a dirt path that led to a large mansion. He parked in the garage, next to several other sports cars and his motorcycles.

He escorted her out and into the house, depositing her into a kitchen chair. He left to go speak with some of his men, while his chef placed a plate of food before her. She thanked him before digging in. It wasn’t until the first bite, that she realized just how hungry she was, and she began to scarf the food down.

Pacho walked in and laughed at her, “The food isnt running away from you honey. You can enjoy it, ya know?”

She slowed back down, her cheeks warming with slight embarrassment.

“Sorry. The hospital didn’t exactly give the finest of meals, while I was there,” She admitted, after swallowing the food that was in her mouth.

“Don’t apologize. I like a woman with a healthy appetite,” He waved her apology off, as he took a seat next to her.

“So, when will Miguel and Gilberto arrive tomorrow?” She asked as she took smaller bites.

”About noon. Chepe will be with them as well. This weekend we are entertaining members of the Guadalajara Cartel,” He answered, his eyes rolling at the last part.

“Oh. Don’t like the Mexican cartel eh?” She guessed.

“Gallardo is a pain in the ass, who thinks he can outsmart us. His whole cartel is a sham. A powder-keg waiting to be lit,” He seethed, shaking his head.

She snickered at him, before noticing a man standing behind him. “Hi?”

Pacho looked behind him and motioned him forward.

“This is Diego, he’s my…” Pacho introduced before trailing off, awkwardly.

Blix looked at the dark-skinned man, who looked to be around her age as well, and noticed how he leaned into Pacho. She understood what he was trying to say.

“Boyfriend? Lover? Paramour? Pacho. Its fine. I’m well aware of your preference. This doesn’t change anything,” Blix supplied with a smile. “Hello. I’m Blix.”

She held out her hand to shake. Diego looked her up and down, before responding, “Hmm. Bit of a stepdown from your usual. Whatever happened to sleeping with the most beautiful women possible? A bit subpar don’t you think?”

She blinked in response, not expecting that at all.

“Diego,” Pacho admonished.

“No. It’s… it’s not the worst insult I’ve had thrown at me. He’s entitled to his opinion,” She mumbled looking away, her appetite gone.

“So. Where exactly am I staying?” She asked wanting to escape the awkwardness.

Pacho got up and whispered something to Diego angrily, before leading her through the large open living room, to the grand staircase.

The crutches were long forgotten and abandoned in the kitchen, and she limped after Pacho and took the stairs slowly. The cast she had on wasn’t a full plaster cast, it was meant to give some flexibility. So, while it was uncomfortable to walk on, it wasn’t painful.

He led her upstairs and to the left, leading her to a bedroom that was probably bigger than her entire first floor of her house.

“I’m sorry about Diego. I don’t… I don’t know why he would say that,” Pacho apologized as they stepped into the room.

“Its fine. Seriously. I don’t expect any of your men to be happy that I’m here. Least of all the man that you are in a relationship with,” She waved it off. “Like I said, he’s not the first to say something about my looks, he won’t be the last.”

“True. But I know it bothered you more than you let on,” Pacho observed pulling her close to him. “You’ve created quite the thick skin to deflect most of the comments people make about your scars. But it still gets you at times. I saw the look in your eyes. The way you closed in on yourself with that one comment.”

She doesn’t respond. Honestly, she didn’t know how to. It wasn’t very often when someone was able to point out her tells.

“I will talk to Diego. I don’t want my two favorite people to be at each other’s throats,” he assured, pressing kisses to the top of her head.

She nodded once before slowly wrapping her arms around his waist. She pressed a small kiss to the sliver of his chest that could be seen in the parting of his button-down shirt.

“I’m going to go shower… if you’d like to join?” She suggested as she pulled away from him.

He smirked at her and led her over to the en-suite bathroom. As they stepped inside, flicking the lights on blindly, Pacho captured her lips with his in a passionate kiss. Blix began to unbutton his shirt with fumbling fingers; softly tugging to untuck the shirt from his pants as well.

He gently lifted the tank top she wore off of her, her bra following swiftly after. A few minutes later they were both undressed and waiting for the shower to heat up.

Pacho examined the bandage on her waist and gently pulled it off of her.

“These are healing nicely,” He commented looking at her stitches. “Make sure you dry this area when we get out, but it should be safe to get wet so long as we don’t spend forever in there.”

Blix nodded, and as they stepped into the shower, they fooled around a bit. They cleaned and made out a lot but stepped out once they had finished cleaning. He made sure her stitches were dry before he helped put on a new bandage.

They made their way back into the room, and when Blix leaned up to continue the heated kisses they had started before, Pacho stopped her.

“We should probably stop, my dear. Wouldn’t want to pull those stitches,” Pacho gently reminded.

“Buzz kill. That’s what you are. You owe me,” She replied as she turned to get herself dressed, or mostly dressed.

“I promise. I’ll make it up as soon as those stitches are out,” Pacho swore, coming up behind her and pressing kisses to her shoulders.

She threw on a cami and a pair of underwear, that she found in the dresser before slipping under the covers. She patted the empty space next to her, beckoning him to join her, which he did.

Blix curled herself around him as he settled in, finding extreme comfort in the warmth of his skin.

As they laid there, she gently ran her fingers up and down his skin, drawing pictures on his chest.

He grabbed a cigarette out of the pack that had been placed on his bedside table and lit it. She fell asleep to smell of nicotine and the sensation of Pacho’s own hand running itself up and down her back.

The warmth of the rising sun woke her the next day, and as she opened her eyes, her gaze immediately fell upon Pacho, who was still asleep.

She admired him, for a moment. He looked far more relaxed as he slept, when he was awake, he was always on a constant high alert. She propped herself up on her elbow, and lightly ran a finger along his face. She regarded the slight scruff forming on his face, biting her lip at the tickling sensation she felt as she stroked it.

She stared at him in awe for a moment more, before sitting up. Or at least she tried to. A pair of arms wrapped around her and pulled her back down.

“Where do you think you are going, lovely?” Came Pacho’s sleepy voice.

“I was going to go make breakfast for us. And go to the bathroom if you truly must know,” She answered honestly.

He hummed in response, “I suppose I can let you go for that. Need to go get dressed anyway.”

They both slowly sat up together, and Pacho got up from the bed and made his way to the door. She stared at his backside with a smirk, shamelessly checking him out.

He turned back to look at her and simply said, “No. Not until you’re healed.”

She stuck her tongue out in response, and he laughed loudly on his way out. She then got up and did her business in the bathroom, before strolling over to the closet.

She turned on the light and whistled at all of the clothes that hung there. All high-end fashion, all stuff one would see on a runway.

She pulled out a pair of jeans, a tank top, and a flannel shirt to go over it. She slipped on a black flat leaving its twin behind and brushed out her hair, before pulling it into a ponytail.

She walked out once she was dressed and ready, making her way down to the kitchen area. She opened the refrigerator and looked at what was available in there, spotting some eggs and sausage links as she perused the fridge. She noticed out of the corner of her eye a loaf of bread. After trying a couple of cabinets, she found the spice cabinet, and grabbed the cinnamon.

She began to make some French toast and sausage once she had gathered the ingredients and spending five minutes searching for utensils and such.

As she cooked, Pacho walked in with Diego close behind. She ignored him for the most part, especially when he gave her a distasteful look. Diego grabbed some plates and dining utensils, setting them out on the kitchen island, ignoring her as well.

The food was done soon enough, and Diego grabbed the powdered sugar and syrup. All of them made their own plates, before sitting down with Pacho in the middle. While they ate, Pacho and Diego spoke of work and Blix half listened, not particularly caring.

Once they finished eating, they moved to the living room, and Blix had her files moved to the coffee table so she could begin reviewing them. She opened the first file, and grabbed a legal pad, and began notating what was important. The style of König’s crimes, and what he often stole. Various other crimes and essentially his background plus anyone associated with him.

She was so focused she didn’t notice the various men (sicarios), walk through to talk to Pacho who sat opposite of her and watched her with curious eyes.

Several hours had passed by the time Gilberto, Miguel, and Chepe walked in and greeted Pacho.

They looked over at Blix inquisitively, who had at some point, moved to sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table. She had gone through at least two of the files and was on the third. She had gone through at least one legal pad and was nearing the end of a second one.

She blinked when she heard someone clear their throat and called her name. She looked up owlishly and said, “What?”

It took her a moment to fully realize who all was there. “Oh. Hi! Sorry? Have… have you been here long?” She asked hesitantly, as she stood back up.

“A few minutes. You are…very focused. It was quite adorable Miss Lage,” Chepe complimented as he stepped forward to take her hand and kiss it.

She shook her head, “A flirt. That’s all that you are, Chepe.”

“Only for you, beautiful,” Chepe flirted back with a wink.

She then stepped toward Gilberto and Miguel and greeted them with a handshake, both men pressing a kiss to her cheek in greeting.

They then took their seats Pacho and Chepe sitting on either side of her, Miguel & Gilberto sat across from them.

She grabbed a fresh notepad and looked at each man for a moment, before titling the blank page: CI’s Orange, Blue, Purple, And Silver.

Chepe leaned over and looked at her title with questioning eyes.

“Can’t exactly let my coworkers know that I am receiving this info from Cartel Members. So, to protect your identities, code. Shirt color in this instance,” Blix explained quickly.

“Alright. König. How did you meet him? What do you know?” She interrogated all four of them.

Gilberto replied, “He came to us looking to sell art he had… ‘acquired.’ He seemed alright but he felt the need to make comments that were…. Discourteous towards us. Particularly toward Pacho and his choices in romantic partners.”

She raised an eyebrow at that confession, “You broke ties with a well-known art thief, because he was homophobic? No offense, especially to you Pacho, but… don’t most of the people you work with… have some issues with his preferences?”

Pacho snorted at the question and as he lit a cigarette, answered, “Yes. But most of them know not to say it directly to my face or theirs.”

“Ah. Got it. Go on then,” She urged Gilberto to go on after nodding her head in understanding.

“We bought a couple of items, and we were planning to create a deal to slip cocaine using his routes and trucks, to have them brought into America via Mexico or on his planes. He had ties to Europe which we had planned to take advantage of. But. His lack of his respect toward all of us ruined those plans,” Gilberto further explained.

“Wouldn’t happen to know what those routes were, do you?” She asked after she noted everything he said.

He shook his head apologetically, “Never got to that point.”

“The painting to your left is one of the ones we bought,” Miguel noted.

She looked over at it and scrutinized it for a bit. “Caravaggio. Nice. Fake, but nice.”

“Excuse me? Fake? That’s not fake? What are you talking about?” Miguel sputtered in outrage.

She sighed before explaining without looking up from her notepad, “There’s a smudge of pink that’s not consistent with the era in the bottom right corner. It also looks like it was painted 4 months ago not 400 years ago. Good art forgers would know to age the paint, usually tossing it in the oven on very low heat does the trick. Or even painting over an old painting.”

After a few minutes of silence, she looked back up to see all 4 men starring at her, impressed.

“What?” She wondered, blinking slowly.

“Nothing. Just… impressed by your knowledge. Ever thought about being a criminal?” Chepe asked jokingly.

“What makes you think I haven’t committed any crimes?” She posed challengingly. “You think that just because I’m a federal agent that I’m squeaky clean?”

“Oh? Go on then. Don’t leave us in suspense darling,” Chepe cajoled leaning closer.

“Statute of limitations hasn’t passed yet, ask me again in a year or so,” She said with a smirk.

At that the others laughed, especially at Chepe’s responding pout.

“Anything else I should know about König?” She asked once everyone sobered up a bit.

“He’s an ass. Do not let your guard around him. He’s a bit similar to Gacha, he doesn’t care for partners, and he is not afraid to go after police or federal agents. Hence why he probably laid that trap for you at the museum,” Pacho answered as he finished his cigarette.

She nodded, stretching as the memory of the explosion made her suddenly ache. At that moment, lunch was served and laid out on the dining table. They moved over to it and began to talk more about art and previous cases she’s worked.

It was odd, but she found it enjoyable to sit and talk with all four of them. ‘Never thought my life would take this turn. Having lunch with the Gentlemen of Cali. I think… I’m going to enjoy this as much as I can.’

[scaredandbored]

the one with the sonic showers

for @julie-yard , (sorry it’s so ooc but it’s got DaForge in!)

word count (excluding the compulsory grouching i do in the brackets next because i ran out of space in the tags whoops) : 2233

(also this is my first ever piece of writing using solely other people’s characters so i apologise in advance lol)

(constructive criticism welcome just please be nice i cry really easily)

(hey so data is literally an android and geordie is CHEIF FRICKIN ENGINEER and i am Bad At Physics. so there are large gaps in dialogue which i would LOVE to do some more research on (not sarcasm i really would but i would get sucked into it and never actually write lol) but i’m more of a chemistry/biology Basic Bitch™️ so even though i’m supposed to know enough about sound waves to write that dialogue i don’t trust myself enough to do it)

(also, i’m a First Aid Responder, not a doctor, damnit! so all medical talk in this is me reading three (3) articles on chronic tension headaches and then seeming myself fit to write about it)

(sorry in advance, here you go!)

The alarm he had set for twenty minutes before the beginning of his shift made Geordie feel as though he was being hit repeatedly by a phaser. Wincing, he groped for his VISOR, slamming his other hand on the button that would stop the infernal shrieking. Logically, Geordie knew the noise was just barely above a soft trill, but as he rummaged around his drawer for his acetaminophen hypo, he was considering having a word with the senior medical staff about limiting the volume of the ships alarms in the interest of the crew’s wellbeing.

As usual, the hypo did very little for the inescapable pressure on his skull, and the activation of his visor did nothing but restore him to the state he was before the hypo. Grimacing, he dragged himself over to the replicator in the far corner of his room, toeing off the black regulation bottoms he’d slept in and tossing them into the laundry shoot as he walked by. “Coffee, black, sixty degrees Celsius.”. Hoping against hope the caffeine would keep the dull pain from spiking until he could administer her perscription later in the day. He rolled his head between sips of the slightly too bitter beverage, with the intention of loosening up in order to stave off neck and shoulder tension later in the day. “Computer, set a reminder to schedule a meeting with Dr.Crusher for me, will you?” The computer’s answering trill was, again, much too loud for his liking, so he gave a second order for all automated auditory responses to decrease intensity by 50%.

Sliding off his VISOR, Geordie decided to pick out his uniform and dress using muscle memory, the idea of putting his VISOR back on before absolutely necessary was enough to make his stomach turn, violently. “OK, so don’t put it back on, Geordie, it’s not rocket science.” he sighed to himself as he tugged the zip up, catching his thumb in his collar. Adequately annoyed at himself and already aching to take another shot of his hypo, Geordie lamented the fact he hadn’t decided to shower, the warm water would’ve done some good towards the inevitable spasms his upper back and neck would undoubtedly engage in later that evening. Sitting down, he pressed the heels of his almost-cool hands against his temples, rubbing around the terminals for his VISOR, where the ache was the worst. As he considered requesting sick leave and how to tell Riker he’d be missing poker tonight without raising suspicion, his communicator went off, the obnoxious trill sending a jolt of nausea through him as Barclay’s voice rang around his room.

“Barclay to Commander LaForge.”

Geordie winced and sighed before tapping his badge. “LaForge here.”

While Reg was relaying his message, Geordie reluctantly picked up his VISOR and clicked it into place. “There’s been several complaints shipwide about sonic shower malfunctions, the captain has asked us to assemble a team and look into it as soon as possible, sir.”

“Acknowledged. I’ll be in Engineering as soon as I can. Until then, Reg, you get a few ensigns and run a few tests on the basic functions in the malfunctioning units on the lower half of the affected decks. I want the results updated in real time so I can check them against the ones I’ll run. LaForge out.” Geordie considered popping into Sickbay on his way to see if he could get a muscle relaxer to avoid any serious cramping of his neck muscles, but the acetaminophen seemed to be kicking in, and he’d hoped this meant the worst was over.

He couldn’t have been more wrong.

After numerous hours of running several different sonic showers at increasingly higher frequencies, Geordie felt as though his head was going to burst. He’d missed the hour he was supposed to re-administer his painkiller by a good thirty minutes, and the ensign he had taken with him to the upper decks had noticed his smile was less a smile and more a pained grimace. When she’d suggested he let her run a few tests while he updated the logs, Geordie had politely declined with a small laugh and an even smaller smile. When she repeated the question ten minutes later, he complied without a word.

Lunchtime arrived what felt like years later, when Geordie finally caved and turned himself into sickbay.

“Hey, Alyssa, can I talk to you for a second?” Geordie held out his hand in a sort of rushed, half-thought out greeting that immediately told Alyssa what it was Geordie wanted to talk to her about.

“Geordie, maybe you should sit the rest of your shift out.” Was all she said in the way of sympathy as she administered several of his usual hypos. This was why Geordie came to her before any other nurse on the Enterprise. Her sympathy was just enough to get her job done and she kept her pity to herself for the most part.

“Well, you know what they say!” Geordie jumped to his feet, rubbing his hands together briefly before giving one sharp clap to test the rapidly receding pressure in his head. “No peace for the wicked. I’ll see you around, Alyssa, thanks for the help.”

As Geordie moved out from behind the thin curtain Alyssa had pulled for privacy, he found himself looking straight up at his best friend, and his heart skipped a beat. “Data!” He grinned.

“Geordie.” Data’s head nodded in acknowledgement. Geordie admired the halo his VISOR caused around Data’s head. “I fail to see the relevance between your chosen turn of phrase and Nurse Ogawa’s reccomendation. I also object to the comparison you have drawn between yourself and the afformentioned ‘wicked’.”

“Data, it was a joke.” Geordie smiled again, the combination of the slightly stronger meds and his closest friend reducing the pain to a tolerable level. The fact his crush on Data was all-consuming only meant he had something to distract himself from what pain remained. “And Alyssa was just being nice, you know how I’d love to take an evening off to fool around on the holodeck.” Geordie immediately regretted his choice of words, but Data remained oblivious, his concerned head tilt still in place.

“Nurse Ogawa is not known for the benevolent prescription of unnecessary sick leave, Geordie.” He opened his mouth as if to suggest something, before closing it again and taking a step forward, placing his hand on Geordie’s shoulder. Now, it was Geordie’s chest that was under considerable pressure. “Do not hesitate to contact me if necessary. I must return to duty.”

Geordie chuckled in order to hide his disappointment at the loss of Data’s hand on his shoulder, shaking his head fondly. “No problem, Data. I’ll do that.”

Geordie was nearly out the door of Sickbay when Data called after him. “I shall see you at poker tonight, Geordie.”

It didn’t sound like a question, but Geordie knew Data well enough to know he was hoping to prompt a response. “I dunno, buddy. I’m kinda tired, if I’m being honest. I’ll let you know later, ok?”

Data blinked once, then twice, then nodded, his head adjusting itself into a neuteral position. “That is satisfactory.”

This time, Geordie laughed, the pain in his shoulders creeping up on him slowly once again, despite Data’s adorable half-attempt at a wave as the doors slid shut behind him. “Computer, what time is it?”

The shrill chime that preceded the response didn’t particularly hurt his head, but Geordie could feel his shoulders tensing even further, and he knew beyond doubt there was no way he would make it to cards that evening.

That evening found Geordie still in one of those awful, shrieking showers. He’d been technically off-duty for an hour now, and desperately needed to take off his VISOR for ten minutes, but Barclay had taken one look at Gerodie’s drawn face and refused to leave him alone in the bathroom they were checking out. “Hey Reg, do me a favour?” Geordie needed to get him out of the room so he could slip off his VISOR and massage his temples. That, or he needed to stop working with the shower on; the high frequencies were really not helping his situation.

“Sir?” Barclay’s hands had stuttered to a sudden stop the minute his commanding officer had spoken.

“Could you run and grab a coffee? The Gamma Shift doesn’t start for another five minutes, we can take a break from this instantaneous reporting.” Geordie didn’t take his head out from the panelling they had removed half an hour ago, afraid Reg would see the pained twist he could feel in his lips and call Dr.Crusher. He knew he could handle it, it wasn’t the worst pain he’d ever had from his VISOR, and he’d managed to subtly administer another hypo when he’d gone to grab them both a water around twenty minutes ago.

“Yessir.” Was Barclay’s anxious reply, and there was a prolonged silence between his response and the sound of the doors opening and shutting. They’d had to shut down all replicator and environmental control activity while they worked, which meant Geordie had five minutes to give his head a well-deserved break. Clicking the VISOR out of its terminals and heaving a sigh of relief, Geordie felt his head swim. Taking a few steadying breaths, he fumbled blindly at the sonic shower’s controls, silently cursing himself for not having shut it off before removing the VISOR. Only succeeding in shifting the tuning to an impossibly more painful frequency, Geordie sat down on the floor of the shower, back pressed against the back wall, head falling back against the cool slate. He rubbed at his eyes. “Goddamn.” His sigh made his head swim once more, and his subsequent calming breaths only served to worsen the sensation. The constant drone pressed down on his head so much the pain from that morning seemed as intimidating as... Geordie couldnt think properly; he could only conjure up an image of Data as he worked at his desk in his quarters, resolutely ignoring Spot on his stack of PADDs, aside from his gentle, regular strokes. The image made him smile, which caused his tensed muscles in his neck and shoulders to spasm, violently. Again, the deep breathing Deanna had helped him with when he’d first arrived on the ship did nothing but worsen the sensation.

Geordie dragged his shaking hand down his face, which came away damp with what Geordie briefly considered to be sweat, before everything went black.

There was a hand on either side of his face, a comforting pressure being applied by what felt like a pair of thumbs around the terminals on his temples. “Do not be alarmed, Geordie.”

Data was whispering, Geordie noted, and his tender head thanked the android for it. “Data? What happened?”

The thumbs stopped rubbing briefly, but resumed without hesitation when Geordie accidentally, slightly whimpered at the loss. “You passed out while completing your tests on the malfunctioning sonic showers. Dr.Crusher administered a variety of medications which she noted in your medical log, if you would like for me to read them to you?”

Despite his hushed tones, Geordie’s head really wasn’t going to put up with any noise for very much longer. “No, no talking, please, Data.” he managed to get out, curling up a little, before starting, which caused his shoulders to spasm lightly. “Wait, my VISOR-” Data’s hands shifted to the problematic muscles immediately, massaging firmly.

“I have your VISOR on the arm of your couch to my left. However, given the negative effect it has had on your condition throughout the day, Dr.Crusher has requested you refrain from replacing it this evening.” There was a pause as a mildly confused but very tired and complacent Geordie allowed himself to be gently manoeuvred into a reclined position, his head in Data’s lap while the second officer returned his hands to Geordie’s head. “I am here to assist you in every way possible, and I have downloaded various massage techniques frequently used on those who suffer from long-term, extreme tension headaches.”

“Why?” Geordie mumbled, slowly drifting off despite the pressure slowly returning with a vengeance behind his eyes.

Another pause, the hands stilled. Geordie frowned and they started to move again, but the silence continued. Just as Geordie was about to fall asleep, Data spoke. “You are my friend.”

“Huh?”

“I am helping you because you are my friend, Geordie.”

Geordie smiled softly, shaking his head. “I know that Data.”

Another pause, much more brief, and the hands did not stop their gentle rubbing on his delicate head. “What was the purpose of your inquiry, Geordie?”

And Geordie, as much as he wanted Data to know, he couldn’t tell him. Couldn’t say he wanted Data to be there because he liked the domesticity of this situation, to be there not only to massage his knotted muscles and play nurse, but to hold his hand, to kiss his forehead, to... “No purpose, Data.” He sighed softly, settling further into his best friend. “None at all.”

His breathing had lengthened, he was almost fully asleep but not quite there yet, when he felt cool lips press against one of the terminals, then the skin right beside it.

“Hmmm, Data?”

A pause. “Yes, Geordie?”

A mumble, the beginnings of a snore.

Slightly more urgently, “Geordie?”

“Said, I l’ve ya,,,”

Several minutes of soft snores and gentle massages later, an almost unintelligible: “I believe... I am in love with you also.”

fin

i was going to put in a bit about Data finding Geordie because he hadn’t gotten back to him about the poker but then i felt like it took from the kind of,,, geordie pov vibe i had going idk

hope you enjoyed!

sorry for all the inevitable typos i did this on my ipad and i didnt proof read because i’m kinda using this one shot prompt thing as a warm up to writing as opposed to actually writing fic? idk if that makes sense but i enjoyed writing it and i hope you enjoy reading it!

[aheartfullofjolllly]

Hey!! I know this is a fandom blog ( and I love your content), not a med one but I was wondering if you could share how you remember all the stuff from past years ? Do you have any tips or use any apps etc ? I’m starting my second year soon…Also any other general tips esp about note keeping. I have been trying different ones to see which works… thank you! Feel free to ignore if you don’t wanna answer for whatever reason!

Hellooo and thank you! This is very much a personal blog as much as a fandom blog so questions like this is always welcome 💖 

Admittedly, I’m not the best at memorising things long-term 🙈 Short-term memory for exams? No problem. Then it’s like, all the nitty gritty details I just studied vanish without a trace right after hahahaha. (1/2 joke omg) 

This turned out to be quite long (sorry) so there’s a summary at the end hahaha. Also, just a disclaimer: my experience and programme may be different from yours but hopefully the general tips help you! 

That thing that helps me the most is application of knowledge. So how we are trained is the first three years of med school is 90% theory with some patient encounters in our 2nd and 3rd year (but not a lot). Then 4th year is clerkship where we should be in hospital doing all the practical work (which I’m missing out on right now because of the pandemic 💔). But our curriculum is also grounded on a lot of case discussions so we are given patient scenarios and we have to go through the history, physical exam, differential diagnoses, ancillaries, and management of the patient every time. That helps me a lot because I would have patients in mind for certain diseases and it helps me integrate the theoretical knowledge. We do this a lot so repetition is another thing that makes information stick better. 

Note taking! So, personally, I prefer the physical act of writing down notes because I tend to focus more and remember better. I use an iPad now for all my notes so I follow lectures or discussions while annotating powerpoint presentations or previous transes. It’s honestly the best investment I made for med school. But I didn’t always have an iPad and in my first two years, I printed out notes from older med students that were nice enough to share theirs hahaha. The note taking app I use is GOODNOTES (I’ve watched so many youtube videos comparing GN and notability and decided for this one in the end; no regrets). 

Another thing I do is watch a lot of (youtube) videos! Because I am a visual learner, I would watch something on the topic first before I read my notes/books so it’s easier for me to imagine and integrate concepts. You may already know them but my favourites are: 

Osmosis 

Sketchy Med (my friend just gave me downloads of this so I don’t have a link sorry 😓) 

Ninja Nerd 

Medicosis Perfectionalis (single handedly helped me through hematology!!!) 

Dirty Medicine 

Armando Hasudungan 

Registered Nurse RN 

Other apps/websites I use for references are: Medscape (free), UpToDate (subscription), and Amboss (subscription)

I also do a lot of sample exams. So I try to answer and rationalise the old exams/quizzes of the previous batches because 1) I get to test myself with how much I learned from my revisions and 2) it helps me see how the questions are asked so I know where to focus when I go back on my notes. My friends and I would also quiz each other and bridge gaps in what we don’t know. 

And finally, you are going on your second year congraaaats. 💫  Ngl, I struggled during my first year cos it was a loooooooot of theory. Slugged through it by pure memorisation. It helped that my pre-med exposed me to the medical field already but it was still tough. Second year was so much better for me cos that’s when I started feeling like I was actually studying medicine as opposed to like a very advanced science course hahaha. I think you’ll start to really appreciate it and remember better when you start talking about cases than just concepts??? 

SO BECAUSE THIS WAS SO LONG, LEMME GIVE YOU A SUMMARY HAHA

Try applying what you’ve learned to real life case scenarios if you can; you know someone who has hypertension or diabetes? Look at the medications they’re taking, what clinical manifestations they have, maybe look at their labs if they let you... it’ll be easier when you have people in mind vs just book knowledge 

Repetition. It’s just a lot of reading and re-reading and re-reading until it becomes ingrained in your brain and you can recite it even when you’re half dead from sleep deprivation. 

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes!!! Shoot your shot! Participate in recitations and discussions! Mistakes made in front of my professors and peers has been decidedly mortifying but quite a learning experience because I tend to remember the corrections more (alongside the embarrassment hahahaha). And it’s better to make mistakes in med school than in the hospital. 

Take physical notes. It’s just better. Hahahaha. Doesn’t matter if it’s on paper or a tablet, as long as you’re writing things down yourself.

Watch videos to help you remember better! 

Do practice exams to test yourself and see what you need to review on more; study with a friend if you can (even virtual) and try to quiz each other. 

I think that’s it??? Congrats again and I wish you the best of luck. You can do it, dear Nonny. If you have any more questions or just want to rant about med school woes, my ask box is always open 💕💕💕

[flyonthewallmedstudent]

The work life balance: Maternity Leave (Diary Entry/Long Post)

It’s a huge blur looking back from pregnancy to date, with kiddo being 4 months now. I ended up extending mat leave. I’m now (kinda) determined to start blogging about one of the biggest questions asked about medical training - is there work life balance and what is it like? 

Going to start with the topic of maternity leave. (This will be a personal view - so would love see what other parents in healthcare (or any profession) think about it and what their experiences have been)

A huge eye opener for me was actually watching netflix series: Sex Explained and Explained episode on women (which can be seen here for free). The gender pay gap in our generation is explained incredibly well - and boils down to women taking time off to be primary caregivers for children. I recommend watching those episodes as they’re fun, short and simply but smartly explained.

Image source: https://thenewdaily.com.au/finance/finance-news/2020/01/31/gender-pay-gap-new-low/

Okay. So. Maternity leave is paid parental leave usually given to the primary caregiver. Only one country in the western world that I’m aware of gives significant paternal and maternal leave - Iceland. Everywhere else, only the primary caregiver gets extended parental leave from 3 months up to a year (pay is less if you go beyond 3 months). Most of the time, mom’s are the primary caregivers, whether due to cultural norms or the fact that breastfeeding requires the mom be there most of the time. 

The other parent generally get 1 week to 2 weeks off from the day the kid is delivered. That’s it. Everyone’s reaction to this has been what-in-the-hell. This was devastating for me and my other half - as I needed his support and he would be missing out so much of our baby’s life. 

It also sets us up nicely for the gap to begin, if you watch the netflix series. We both graduate from medical school the same year, but as I take off necessary time from training, he won’t. (Is it stressful being alone with an infant while your other half works full time? Absolutely. It wasn’t as terrifying as I anticipated, it’s doable, but it’s really hard while you and the baby adjust to being alone). 

Image source: Cleveland clinic - also has great parenting advice.

That said, there are friends of me where the parents alternate taking time off, the mom starts off in the first year of life. The Dads often take the 2nd year off. This applies to also medical couples that we know. (If they both have exams, the mom delays her exams one year, the Dad finishes his, then take time off for her to do hers. This is easier said than done, particularly if there’s 2 small kids involved). 

With approaching mat leave with hospital administration, after I found out we were pregnant I wasn’t sure how workforce/admin would react. So, the first thing I did was contact a work colleague who recently had a baby (we were working together while she was pregnant). I asked her how she approached it. 

Generally, you have to have worked within a health service for a year to be entitled to parental leave - that is to say, they cannot fire you and you’re able to retain your job when you return. 

Many people I know take a minimum of 6 months off (less pay than 3 months) and a year. 

While I was pregnant this seemed a long time. Surely I wouldn’t need that much time? Even workforce (they all have small kids) said that I too, will want those 6 months if not a year. They recommended I chat to the other moms in my program. 

They said the same, they thought they’d only need 3 months off (we’re all eager to finish training as women without kids) but were encouraged to start with 6 months. In the end, post kid - they all felt that returning to work after 6 months was too soon, and ended up taking 9 to 12 months. The more senior doctors also suggested a year off. Even my obstetrician (a mom of 4) kept asking if I ever considered a year off. The idea that you don’t want to miss out time with them. From studying paeds in med school, we know full well that those initial years of development are so vital to setting up a foundation for the rest of their lives. 

What everyone consistently said was that work will always be there. Time with your children at a young age won’t be. 

The flip side to this is that not all women necessarily will want to be away from work that long. I thought I would be in that category. 

Post for another day - but your whole brain gets reprogrammed once you become a parent, particularly, a primary caregiver (whether mom or dad). I’ve had friends who’ve cried when parental leave ended as it’s that hard to be away. When you go through the hell of hourly feeds, sleep deprivation etc, the bond goes deeper, you feel that they need you. And at the end of you, you really need them. This wasn’t something that really sunk in for me until suddenly I was near the end of mat leave, and then I realized I wasn’t ready to go back. 

However, I have other friends who chose to go back sooner in part time capacity. They couldn’t afford to take time off. In this career however, it meant that they went onto full formula feeding. It was too hard to keep up with pumping for an infant needs and resident workload. (On a busy day, we hardly have time to eat or use the toilet, I can’t imagine finding time to get to the pump room, get the pump out and sit there for 10-30 mins). I envy them that they returned to work, and their kids seem by comparison to mine - more gentle and malleable in personality (they tolerate daycare pretty well). I think one mom I know managed to keep up with pumping, but she returned to work when her kid was already on solids. 

Image source and also good resource on pumping and returning to work.

Now that I am a parent to a young kid, I do prefer the idea of part time and job sharing. Even though that will mean longer training, less pay (greater gender gap) etc. etc. I do wish that our laws and regulations were less punishing on the other parent. They are antiquated to be blunt. We should be allowed paid parental leave for either gender so that parents can alternate looking after small kids full time at home. 

Ultimately, kids want time with their parents above all else. Even babies - you can buy them a toys and they wouldn’t care about them as much as interacting with you.

That said, I don’t judge those who choose either to be full time at work or full time mom’s. Either will have its rewards and both are hard, requiring sacrifice. I completely understand the draw to both. 

I think it’s a tragedy that different facets of society look down on either full time working moms or stay at home mom’s. I think it’s unfair there is a pay gap and working part time will mean blows to your career progression (even though to put it bluntly, you are working less hours). 

Is there a middle path where you are rewarded for both continuing to work while avoiding being away from your kids most of the working week? 

One answer to having a better juggle is perhaps telehealth in the future. The ability to work at home I think is already life changing in some careers and I can’t imagine how much of a shift it would make in medicine. With Covid19, we’re already seeing a huge shift towards, it’ll be interesting to see how this will evolve further. I’m not saying telehealth should replace face to face medicine, but it should be utilized more. 

Going to try to post at least once or twice a week, if only to maintain some sense of sanity with a 4 month old. 

See you in the reblogs if you have any questions or have your experiences to share.

[shadowling-guistical]

Milestones

SUMMARY: After deciding to take a gap year, Virgil Sanders expected to enter his freshman year of college feeling anxious and out of place. But not if his childhood friends; Patton Hart, Roman Prince and Logan Croft have anything to say about it.

CHARACTERS: Virgil Sanders/Anxiety, Roman Sanders/Creativity, Logan Sanders/Logic, Patton Sanders/Morality, Thomas Sanders (mentioned/background), Remy Sanders (Mentioned/background) Dr. Emille Picani (Mentioned/Background).

PAIRINGS: Platonic LAMP but can be romantic if you squint and sorta tilt your head to the left.

CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of therapy and medication. Discussions about university related stress

Read an extended version on AO3.

For @sanders-sides-fanzine‘s The Core of Us Fanzine! If you enjoyed this, consider downloading the zine (which is FREE!) and give the team and contributors some love!

It was, by all means, a normal summer day for one Virgil Sanders. He woke up, had breakfast, took his meds and logged on to chat with his close friends. That is, until his mother told him he had mail before she headed out to work. She had kissed him on the top of his head, as if she didn’t just send a jolt of electricity striking through his heart, oblivious as she handed him money to share with his siblings.

He excused himself from their voice chat and went down to retrieve it. As though psychic, each of his friends wished him luck in their own ways. They gushed and reassured him in their group chat while sending something totally separate in the Direct messages. Patton sent him a wholesome, motivating meme. Logan sent him a single question mark. Roman began blowing up his direct messages with fragments of excited texts. He in particular was excited for Virgil to finally join them in campus after taking a gap year for mental health reasons.

He passed by his baby brother watching his morning cartoons. His middle brother, Remy was probably still asleep. Virgil ruffled Thomas’ hair as he retreated back to his bedroom.

A whirl of emotions settled in his stomach after Virgil closed the door behind him. It began settling into a poisonous miasma of nervousness and dread, both very hot and very icy.

Virgil slid a nail edge under the flap- tearing it open. He took the contents out, scanned the words and-

…

“…Oh…”

.

.

 His status soon went from online to idle and finally, offline.

.

.

.

That night, Patton spent his evening fretting over the lack of a reply. Where was the usual emoji of a purple heart? Frustrated, he finally stopped pacing around his room long enough to go down to the kitchen. His freckled face screwed in determination while he took out his mixing bowls. Now, what was the recipe for chocolate brownies again?

Logan waited with bated breath for that single exclamation point. Over the next few hours, he forced himself to calm down. He reminded himself that Virgil probably needed logic and reason the most at this moment. He put away his phone and began looking up the procedure for an admission appeal. The date shouldn’t be too far away, right? Or perhaps another institution nearby?

Roman found himself wishing for a snarky reply about how much they will be seeing each other on campus.  He waited as time stretched out to midnight and beyond. Before he slept, he made a mental note to find his copy of Black Cauldron amongst his extensive collection of Disney Movies. A Disney movie night never failed to cheer his friend up!

.

.

.

Next mid afternoon, Virgil found himself nervously tapping his feet as he waited for someone to pick up the call he was making. He spent earlier that morning in his regular therapy sessions with his therapist. Virgil mainly talked about his current development of events. Doctor Picani had advised him to talk to his support system about his fears, and to be open to them. And that was what Virgil was attempting to do.

 "Hello?? Virgil?" 

 Virgil swallowed, throat suddenly dry.

 "Hey Pat… um…" 

 Patton, bless him, patiently waited for Virgil instead of bombarding him with questions. 

 "Take your time kiddo. Roman and Logan are with me, do you want this to be on speaker?" 

 "Yeah, Pat… That'll uh… That'll be swell." 

 Great. Might as well get this over with. There was a click and Virgil can hear rustling from the other line. 

 "Virgil," He heard Logan speak in his calm timbre, "Are you well?" 

 "Yeah I am actually… just ...well," A deep breath, "I got accepted Lo." 

 "Ah… Congratulations!" Logan sounded sincere, while there was a flurry of voices in the background. Probably Roman and Patton being excited.

 "Thanks Lo…" Virgil sat down on his bed heavily. 

 "You don't sound so happy about it, J Delightful. You didn’t even came back to talk to us yesterday,” 

 "I am Ro.. I am… But… God. I’m sorry for being a jerk. When I read the letter. I was…happy. But…" 

 "…You panicked?" 

 "... Yeah…" Virgil mumbled, beginning to rub his eyes, "And it's not even because I'm struggling. Dr P and I are doing great! My meds are fine. He's teaching me how to deal with everything… But I still feel…" 

 "Unprepared…?" 

 Patton's calming voice sort of broke something in him, and Virgil felt his throat close up and his eyes water. 

 “…Scared…"

 "Oh kiddo…" 

 "Virgil…You know that you don't have to go now. There's always the option of delaying or opting to start at the second intake," 

 "I know that Lo…But I really want to go NOW. But ugh…" Virgil let himself fall back onto his bed and sniffed, "I just got so overwhelmed. Thinking of the things I need to pack, classes, paperwork…Picking a major. Where do I even BEGIN?"

 "We understand. Look, me and Specs need to go soon. How do you feel about Patton coming over to keep you company? We’ll handle the other stuff later. Together." 

 "That's right Kiddo! I have some brownies here with your name on em!" 

 Virgil wiped his eyes with the edge of his hoodie sleeve, "That sounds… amazing, Pat. You'd do that?" 

 "In a Hart-beat," The pun made Virgil smile. "And if you want, I can help you find some on campus resources. The counselling department has some amazing counsellors," 

 Virgil took a deep breath, and exhaling slowly, "... Yeah.. I think I'd like that…Thanks Patton" 

 "Excellent. I shall look up other relevant information for a later date."

 "Right…" Virgil agreed, "Thanks L...Princey. I appreciate it a lot." 

 "Anything for our emo." 

 "See you soon Virgil!"

. 

. 

. 

The next few days passed by like a blur. It was all hands-on deck, with Patton, Logan and Roman helping him in all matters big and small. 

Patton came by, gave him a hug and fed him the brownies. Later, he sat with Virgil in front of his computer, guiding him on all the resources available on campus. After a while, Virgil found himself mulling very little as he sent an email to a counsellor on campus to set up an appointment. In fact, he daresay he started to look forward to it. Patton was there throughout the whole process, just generally providing the best help he could have ever asked for. Virgil asked him questions extensively, and Patton patiently answered each and every one.

His support and help prompted Virgil to later wear a small enamel badge he found while browsing a thrift store. It reminded Virgil that there are people looking out and supporting him at every turn in his life. 

With an appointment with a counsellor now booked, Virgil turned his attention to his classes. In this area, Logan came in- keen and determined. 

Armed with several sheets of printed out information, he came to Virgil's house the night after Patton left.

He explained Virgil's options, going through one suggestion at a time. He reassured him about choosing his major, telling him that he can remain undeclared as long as he needed to. But also to be mindful about what classes he decides to take. Highlighter in hand, they slowly but surely mapped out the classes Virgil could register in his first year. It was balanced in that it both provided enough time for him to settle in his new environment and for Virgil to still get the credit hours he needed.

It was because of Logan that Virgil started carrying with him a small nondescript journal. He wrote everything in it, from reminders to To Do lists. It helped him plan, and made him recall Logan's words that learning is always something that Virgil has control over. 

Roman literally came in full force. Barging in early one morning and boisterously announcing his arrival to help him pack. Surprisingly, he was very helpful. He took the time to help Virgil organise everything and all the while, they just… talked. They bantered and joked. Each day, Roman never failed to show up. He skillfully took Virgil's mind of the stress of moving away as the date crawled nearer. He talked about the plays that will be put on that semester, promising to introduce Virgil to the cast and crew. Remembering their high school days, Virgil promised to consider trying out as the crew and Roman smiled encouragingly, saying nothing more. 

And if Virgil started wearing a little red in any instance where he needed a boost of confidence, Roman didn't need to know that too.

.

.

. 

Virgil admitted he took a little while to get to certain milestones compared to his peers. But as Roman's car began to move away from their neighbourhood, Logan's GPS pre-set to Florida University and Patton's brownies started being passed around, he realized that taking his time was well worth it. 

[mermaeids]

for the university asks, every prime number?

oh wow okay here we go!

2. how far do you plan on pursuing academia?

i’m definitely at least getting my masters or going to law school. my mom wants me to get my phd but i’m not sure how practical that would be. right now i’m planning to pursue either law or teaching high school.

3. what made you want to attend university?

i’m very lucky that it’s a given in my family. both my parents and my grandparents went to my university, so it was kind of just an automatic assumption that i would go to college, and an added assumption that i might end up at this school. (i didn’t start there i transferred this semester but i’m so glad i did!)

5. what do you wish to accomplish by studying at university?

i’m here to read a lot, learn a lot, and have a good time with my friends. i want to mature as a person and a writer while also creating memories that will last me a long time.

7. answered here!

11. what classes are you taking this/next semester?

this semester i’m taking three lit classes, a roman civ class, and geology to fulfill a science requirement. next semester i’m taking psych (again for a liberal arts requirement), two lit classes (the english novel and modern poetry), philosophy of law, and an advanced fiction workshop.

13. what has been your favourite class you’ve taken?

i took a nonfiction class last semester at my old school and i’m so glad i got to take it with that prof because she is literally!! the only thing i miss about my old school!! she made the class so wonderful and memorable and we all got really close as a class and i loved it.

(wow okay i’m halfway through this and there are so many more prime numbers than i thought... but we’ve gotten this far!)

17. what’s your favourite thing about academia?

i miss being in the library until 1 am with the girls every night :’( getting coffee whenever we started to feel tired :’( and then walking home together in the freezing cold, the only sound on the silent campus

19. would you go to a different university if you had to choose again?

the answer was yes last year so i transferred and now i’m at my dream school!! my transfer experience was amazing and i would 10/10 recommend transferring if you want to/have the ability to. for me i actually saved money by transferring and it was the best decision i ever made for myself. it’s difficult to get through the application process without the help of guidance counselors like you have in high school and it nearly killed me having to balance applying to new schools while trying to do well at my old school, but it was so, so worth it. i think people have this weird reluctance to transfer even if they’re unhappy and there’s this feeling that i definitely felt of having to stick it out where i was, but there’s no point in doing that when you could be ten times happier somewhere else! if you regret your decision, look into transferring. please.

23. theoretical or practical?

is this like the qualitative or quantitative question? like humanities or sciences? i’d say theoretical then, meaning humanities. i’m an english/lit major and i’ve gotten a lot of shit for it, especially at my old school, but i wouldn’t be doing this if i didn’t have a plan and i think it’s a really damaging misconception that you need to major in something in college that will directly feed into a specific career. pre-meds especially have often looked down their noses at me, but i’m good at what i do and i have every confidence that i’ll be able to be successful after college, even if i’m not a STEM or business major. the world will always need writers!

29. who is doing the most interesting research in your field at the moment?

lately in literature we have a lot to catch up on when it comes to feminist readings. last semester i read quite a few papers on female characters, particularly portia (merchant of venice) and hermia (midsummer night’s dream), and it made me really excited about future work i could do because there are so many gaps in the existing work and there’s a lot to be done. i don’t have the specific names on hand but reading feminist readings of shakespeare by women was super cool.

31. what is subject you wish your university taught but doesn’t?

i go to one of the oldest schools in the country and we’re liberal arts so we have pretty much everything? so idk underwater basket weaving?

37. what do you do to rewind?

i think this means unwind. my friends and i do a tv night (this semester it was the bachelor) every week when we don’t have a ton of homework!

41. what is an interesting subject that you would never study yourself?

last semester i took a biological anthropology class and i found it really cool. if i had to change my major, i would probably change it to either anthropology or bio.

43. what is your plan B career?

if becoming a lawyer is plan A, teaching is plan B. but i also have considered working in publishing/journalism so that would probably be the real plan B before teaching.

47. what do you wish you’d done differently in your first year?

there was no possible way i could have done this but i wish i had started out at the school i go to now. but since that wouldn’t have been realistic, i’d say i wish that i branched out a little more and made more friends rather than settled on the first group of people i ended up with. OH actually i wish i had requested a room change because my roommate was terrible but i thought i could stick it out so i didn’t but that was dumb i should have just moved.

okay i think that’s all of them!! thanks for asking wow there are more prime numbers between 1 and 50 than i originally thought!!

university asks

[canaryatlaw]

okay, again super sleepy, I need to be better with writing these right after I take the meds. today was a lot of fun though. alarm went off at 8:30, got ready and headed to Jess’ at like 9, we stopped at mcdonalds to grab breakfast and then went on to the con where we met our other friend (I can’t remember if she has a tumblr or not and I don’t like using names for people not on tumblr so I’m gonna leave it like that for now). Headed into the con center and went straight to Matt Ryan’s line lol, which had plenty of fun antics going on. He’s such an awesome guy to meet and I really appreciate him. After that we headed to the “Arrowverse” panel which was kind of a joke because since Katrina cancelled, it was just Matt Ryan, Teddy Sears (Zoom from the flash), and Kelly Hu, who played Chyna White on Arrow for a few episodes?? lol, so not very much Arrowverse there. the panel was fun though, Kelly kind of took over for the host because he wasn’t doing very well and she was just awesome and hilarious. I decided to ask Matt a question about what was coming over the next season between Constantine and Astra, and he was basically like “well we just filmed the answer to that but I can’t tell you” lol but then said some other stuff about it. after that Jess and friend went to grab their photo op with Matt while I hung out for a few and then we ended up back in Matt’s line because we didn’t have anything else to do lol, so we got some signatures from him for people who had asked to get autos picked up. after that we had a gap in time before getting to do anything else so we just sat and chilled for a bit before getting in line for Melissa Joan Hart for friend to get a selfie. she ended up showing up early so we finished with that and basically had nothing else to do, so we left at that point and went to the restaurant across the street we usually go to. I tried to pick something that wouldn’t set off my acid reflux and make me nauseous wound up with a cheeseburger which did pretty well in that department. Good meal. From there we said goodbye to friend and headed back to Jess’ and I walked the rest of the way home from there. I got to my apartment and grabbed a few amazon packages I had waiting for me, including my new “soccer shoes” that aren’t quite cleats, they’re made for playing on turf fields and don’t really have a traditional cleat pattern on the bottom but more like shorter dots that are supposed to be better for turf. the issue over the summer with the normal cleats I had, every time I touched the ball, and sometimes when I didn’t even touch the ball, I wound up on the ground lol, so that obviously was not working. I then went on my laptop for a bit and decided to try to work for an hour from 6-7. I had been emailing with my contact the dv clinic (that’s now called something different but you know) and was going to have a phone call with her at 7, so when it rolled around I gave her a call. The email said she wanted to discuss the position, so that sounded pretty positive to me, but I didn’t want to get my hopes all the way up, but once we were on the phone she very quickly said they were offering me the position, and then talked about salary and benefits and all that stuff and I was just like yes I accept haha it’s all fine. so that was good. we discussed starting date and I said next Tuesday would probably work right after I get home from Dragon Con, so that should work perfectly. I got off the phone with her and called my parents to let them know, and they were very happy. I of course no longer had to do the work I had previously been doing lol so I turned on netflix (after discovering our remote no longer worked despite me changing the batteries, but we just needed that one to turn the tv on) and watched more of the chef’s line show, which was amusing because when they got to Turkish cuisine the racial dynamic switched, the “home cooks” were mostly white hipsterish people who just really liked the cooking style, and the restaurant chefs were all actual Turkish people. And guess what? The chefs one every. single. challenge. it was hilarious. I started the one on Italian food but didn’t get all the way through that before showering and starting to get ready for bed. I also had to write my quitting email and send it to my boss, which I feel super awkward and somewhat anxious about because I feel really bad about leaving them like this, but I mean, it’s not like I was actively job-hunting, this pretty literally fell into my lap and I mean it’s pretty much exactly what I want to do with my life so I can’t really pass that up. Hopefully they’ll understand, though I’ll still probably feel bad about it. oh well. the good part is no longer having to get the work hours in my week got a whole lot less busy, which means I can devote the next two days to actually cleaning the terrible mess that is my apartment right now, between my bedroom which is pretty much a disaster zone at the moment to the overflowing trash can and dirty dishes in the sink lol. So I’m happy with that. And yeah, started getting ready for bed and now I’m here and I am still tired, so I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight lovelies. Hope your Monday doesn’t suck.

[thegreyreylo]

Just Breathe - Chapter 3

RATING: Mature 

This chapter could be a one shot by itself in all honesty. 

He clearly had just been woken up by the force bond. His hair was tousled, eyes bleary and face had the light impression of sheets. But his own white tunic was virtually useless at protecting his modesty. He wore grey ribbed leggings and wool socks.

“Shoot, Ben this is not – ugh, I didn’t mean to! Please, can you just-” My face burned. I looked around frantically for a blanket or some sort of material to cover myself with.

It took him a moment, the cogs in his brain clearly struggling to process my panic. He cleared his throat and pointedly tried to look away when he registered why I was so flustered. “I see, uh, this is a bad time?”

Chapter 3 – 

The scene after the madness was eerie. Several cloaked figures had descended from the woods of the unknown planet we were seeking shelter on and launched an attack on the Millennium Falcon. Thinking quickly, I had activated the blasters of the ship and they retreated almost immediately. A stillness fell over our camp, with the few remaining members of the resistance holding formation still. Two people doubled over with blaster wounds.

 “Who the hell was that?”

 Poe, naturally was the first to break the ice.

 Leia, still wounded and recovering slowly emerged from the med bay towards the ramp of the ship.

 “Natives I’m assuming. We should seek shelter elsewhere. Everyone, prepare to disembark.” She spoke with exhaustion lingering in her every breath.

 Adrenaline still coursed through my veins, but Ben slipped back in to the forefront of my mind. Oh hell. How am I going to let him know everything’s ok? This force bond thing was turning out to be quite the burden. He seemed irrational when we had spoken. Who knows what he would do if he was being unreasonable.

 I returned to the small lounge of the Millennium Falcon. I had yet to be assigned a task or post in the Resistance, so it was the understanding that I should just get out of the way. It felt wrong not helping, but even with decimated numbers the Resistance was a well-oiled machine. Anyone could see that.

 Sitting cross legged, I decided to try to see if I could get a read on Ben through the force bond. I had never tried to bridge the gap, or even contact him before. The force seemed to pick its own time to bond us. It was easy to be suspicious that Ben had been trying to work explore the bond, several times I had felt little feathers on my mind of emotions that were not my own. Often worry and interest, but occasionally annoyance would make an appearance. Most of the time, I just wanted to ignore him.

 I was still hurting.

 Clearing my mind was difficult, but eventually I seemed to find a string of emotions that were not my own.

 Sheer panic.

  “Bloody impulsive desert rat scavenger - “

 Ben?

 I slammed my rapid pacing to a halt.

 “Rey?!” Spinning in a circle, trying desperately to find her. She wasn’t here. But then how could I hear her?

 It felt like a whisper in my ear.

 “I’m fine, ok?”

 “How are you doing this?” A feeling of adrenaline washed over that was not my own.

 She whispered again, “I’m not sure how. But don’t worry, everything is ok. I don’t think I can keep this up though-“

 Just like that, I was alone in my own mind. I took a deep breath and tried to steady myself. The room was destroyed, but Rey was ok. Foolish desert rat, running off to fight without a weapon. Unarming my light saber, I stalked out from the room.

 General Hux spotted me first, “Supreme Leader – “

 I cut him off, “Have this room repaired. I’m retiring for the evening.”

 “Sir, it’s only – “

 “I will not have my orders questioned.” I snarled.

 Not a word was spoken again as I left the hall immediately and returned to my private chambers. My legs gave out as soon as I neared my bed. Exhaustion challenged my frustration over Rey for dominance. If Rey was fine, I could afford to try to rest.

 I had a feeling I was going to be perpetually tired trying to keep up with her.

  I woke with a startle as the Millennium Falcon jumped to light speed.

 All of a sudden my little corner was a lot more crowded. Finn and Rose had squeezed in to my right and were keeping up an easy conversation, while Poe lounged in one of the only chairs available looking thoroughly underwhelmed and slightly annoyed. General Leia was in deep discussion with several of the Lieutenants. I seemed to have woken up in a full blown meeting.

 “What’s going on?” I elbowed Finn.

 “Oh hey, your awake!” Giving me an easy smile. Everything was easy with Finn. “General Leia has a plan to go back to Canto Bight and try to reconnect with old Allies.”

 Rose promptly added, “She wants to send you in undercover as a princess to recruit to the high rolling tables. Personally, I hate that place. I’m also fairly certain it’s pretty trashed right now”

 “Wait, what?”

 Confused was an understatement. “I’m going to look like a princess?”

 Apparently I said this louder than expected, because the room fell quiet for a moment.

 “Yes, you will look like a princess.” General Leia answered me with a cool and confident tone. I was floored.

 Poe huffed audibly, which drew General Leia’s attention. “Yes, Poe?”

 “This seems risky. This plan only works if you are a convincing princess, and I just don’t know if you can do it in all honesty Rey.” Poe explained in the most causal tone, looking like he might actually die from boredom in the middle of Millennium Falcon.

 I took offense to that.

 “Hey, I take offense to that!”

 “I don’t mean it like you aren’t pretty, you are just a little rough around – “

 Before any of the other Resistance members could speak, Finn decided to take the bullet on this one. “Ok, everyone let’s just calm down. Let’s just take a minute. Having a princess is not the only way to get in to the high rolling room on Canto Bight, right? Rose and I managed to get in there without looking like we owned a planet. We can do without one, I’m sure?”

 “How well did that work out for you?” Leia interjected abruptly. The room fell silent as she struggled to her feet, still weak from the battle that was just two days prior.

 Rose was the only one with the spine to respond, “In all fairness, not the best. We would’ve lasted longer if we looked like we belonged.”

 “Exactly Ms. Tico,” Leia nodding, “and royalty will not be denied entry from any floor in Canto Bight. If we are to get to my contact, we are going to need to blend in to say the least.”

 A young female spoke, Lieutenant Connix, “Couldn’t you just take the lead on this one then, since you are Princess Leia?”

 A small smile graced Leia’s exhausted expression, “Thank you, but no. I have far too big a bounty over my head at the moment. These people may be rich, but even they won’t pass up that sum of free money.”

 She turned to face me, that small smile almost reaching her eyes as she spoke. “Rey is the best choice to send in as a Princess. She’ll be able to defend herself even without a weapon, and with a little work I’m sure she can look the part.”

 Ok, I was mildly offended by this but General Leia wasn’t one you can just openly yell at. Glancing at my hands, dirt and sores covered every square inch from my constant practicing and the recent battle with Ben So—Forget it.

 Leia seemed resolved after a careful eyeing me over. I couldn’t help but fidget, and feel like everyone in the room was looking at me. I would kill to be back on Jakku in this moment.

 “I will decide escorts later on, but for now I need Rey, Ms. Tico and Lieutenant Connix to follow me. Meeting dismissed, back to your post everyone.” Her tone was clear and concise, not even Poe decided to linger.

 We filed out of the room on the heels of the real princess, who happened not to be going far before stopping next to a storage area. “Rey, you are a powerful young woman. You can do this, but it’s going to require some work. Rose will help you. I’ve briefed her on the usual dressing procedures, do you have any questions Ms. Tico?” Whom immediately shook her head. Leia nodded once and turned to Lieutenant Connix, “I have some personal items we are going to be needing. They should be in this storage unit, but they are going to need some attending to and possible adjusting. Please handle that, and bring them to these two when you are done.”

  I yelped and swore loudly at Rose who immediately apologized but didn’t stop. “I’m sorry, but when was the last time you actually brushed your hair?”

 “It wasn’t a priority on Jakku, ok?” I grumbled back and bit my lip to brace for the next blow. Give me running in the dessert and fighting a Praetorian guard any day over this. I had been forced to shower twice and physically had every inch of scrubbed, plucked and polished. Rose’s eye roll was practically audible.

 “I’m going to go see if Lieutenant Connix is ready, I think I’ve done all we can without her. Don’t worry, the brush won’t be back… For a moment.” Giving me a small smile in the tiny mirror that we found before leaving the lounge area.

 That’s when I felt the tug, and spun in my chair.

 “Rey?”

 My heart thumped for a moment, I was in nothing but a semi-long tunic and while I normally didn’t care how I looked… This was different.  I met his gaze and involuntarily shudder.

 He clearly had just been woken up by the force bond. His hair was tousled, eyes bleary and face had the light impression of sheets. But his own white tunic was virtually useless at protecting his modesty. He wore grey ribbed leggings and wool socks.

 “Shoot, Ben this is not – ugh, I didn’t mean to! Please, can you just-” My face burned. I looked around frantically for a blanket or some sort of material to cover myself with.

 It took him a moment, the cogs in his brain clearly struggling to process my panic. He cleared his throat and pointedly tried to look away when he registered why I was so flustered. “I see, uh, this is a bad time?”

 “Yes!”

What was happening to me? I never used to get so damn flustered all the time. My cheeks felt as hot as a light saber blade.

 He must be peeking because all of a sudden, with a voice hitch he spoke, “Your hair is down, what is going on? I’ve never seen it down before…”

 I made a non-committal noise and prayed for an early death.

 Rose stumbled in to the room loudly, carrying several massive dresses that seemed too large for her tiny frame to carry.

 “Oh Force, what are those?”

 The horror must’ve been completely unmistakable on my face because all of a sudden Kylo was on his feet, light saber in hand but not armed.  

 Rose grinned, a constant energy of cheeriness. “General Leia has decided to dress you in some of her family gowns. I’ll add makeup and rearrange your hair as needed. If you are going to look the part, you might as well have the real thing.”

 Take me back to the Sinking Sands.

 “You… you want me to wear one of Princess Leia’s dresses?” The words felt odd in my own mouth.

 Ben was confused to say the least.

 “What is going on Rey?”

 “I believe she actually gave you some of her mothers, Padme. She seemed to think their color palette would complement your skin tone. May I suggest the one I wish you would try first?” The obvious excitement from Rose had me hold my tongue. I wanted to say, Can I just have my split tunic and high boots back?

 But never less, “Ok, so they are Padme’s. You can have me wear which ever one you want, but could I have a moment with them first? Alone? I’ll call you in.”

 If this request was odd to her, she didn’t show it. Just nodded and popped up from her chair, “I’ll go get the shoes!”

 I forced a polite smile until she left the room, before finally looking back to Ben.

 “You don’t get to know what is going on, and you most certainly can’t stay to see me change so…” I snapped, the stress of being turned in to some child’s personal doll was getting to me. I never would have fathomed being in this moment right now.

 “Are you going to wear one of Padme’s dresses? My grandmother’s?” The curiosity burned in his voice.

 I sighed, nodded and rolled my eyes in one motion.

 For a split second, I could argue that I think I saw him smile.

 “Ben! Seriously, this is embarrassing!” I huffed before remembering I should probably be quiet. “Listen, you got to get out of here. I’m not going to change in front of you, and I need to start trying stuff on.”

 He pondered that for a moment, screwing his lips up for a moment before sitting cross legged on the floor. “If I don’t watch you change, may I stay?”

 The gall this moronic Sith idiot has. “Why would you even want to stay?!” I tried to catch my volume, but failed to do so.

 He looked down for a moment, “I’ve never seen them before. I’ve seen some of Leia’s but not my grandmother’s, she would’ve worn them when he was still Anakin.”

 The brutal honesty and openness was so surprising my jaw dropped. I snapped it closed and looked away. How could he be so damn annoying and pushy, but somehow sentimental?

 “Ok, fine. But if you peak once before I say you can look, I will personally stab you with this bloody hair brush. Deal?”

 He nodded, taking one last glance at me before pressing his face in to his hands.

  Not attempting to peek at the easily most stunning female creature in the entire galaxy as she undressed took large sums of my personal will power.

 But I would sit here forever if I meant I got to listen to her bicker with someone else other than me.

 “Ow! Rose, that was me you just stabbed!”

 Whoever Rose was, I felt a brief moment of comradery. Rey yelling at you is a force to be reckoned with.

 I had discovered that the calmer I remained, the steadier and strong the force bond became. It was a careful line of meditation and being present. Sitting here was not technically difficult, but the anticipation of seeing Rey in something other than her usual attire was tempting. I was curious that it was my grandmother’s gown, I genuinely had never seen any of them before as my mother –

 I stopped myself as rage flared inside of me.

 Focus on something else. Focus on Rey.

 “Is that it? Am I done?”

 “No, I don’t want to see – Ok! Ok! Fine, I’ll look in the mirror.”

 It was entirely quiet for a moment. My curiosity almost overwhelmed me, Rey hardly ever shut up and all of a sudden she was dead silent.

 She spoke at almost a whisper, “Thank you, Rose. Could you please get me something to drink? I feel a little dizzy. Yes, I’m ok. Some water should help.”

 She felt ill? A moment passed before she spoke. “You can look now, Ben.”

 I couldn’t breathe when I opened my eyes. She was easily most beautiful being to ever live. A silver plated necklace held up layers and layers of the most tender fabric. Each inch of the dress hugged and floated at each of her incredible curves, teasing her womanly figure with such taste that it was undeniably sexy and enchanting in the same moment. Its golden top blended in to shades of blush and lavender before trailing behind her in a pool of colors. The thinnest gold ribbons laced around her foot and ankle, giving her several inches in height. Nervously chewing her lips, they were a shade of the loveliest rose that I could only imagine the silkiness of there texture. Her complexion glowed against the pastels and her hazel eyes glittered in anticipation. Her hair had been carefully pulled back from her face in a series of twists and knots to expose her stunning neck and bare toned back. She was the epitome of royalty.

 I couldn’t find the words to speak.

 She chewed her lip further, “I look ridiculous, I should change- “

 “No.” It was a command.

 “What?” Her voice wavered.

 “Don’t change. You look… You look incredible.”

 Silence.

 I tried again, she was frozen in place. I couldn’t have looked away from her if I wanted to. My heart hammered in my chest, and in that moment I would’ve done anything she asked of me. You couldn’t say no to a goddess.

 “Rey, you… No one could look more beautiful.”

 These words hit home, and her cheeks flushed furiously.

 “I-I don’t feel like myself. I don’t even think I can walk in these shoes.” She whispered, and I detected the first note of fear I’ve ever heard in her voice. It was involuntary but I crossed the room and offered her my hand.

 “I’ll help you, Princess.”

[aphrodaisyacs]

Chapter Summary:

Bruce is racing towards the med bay, equal parts hope and dread pulsing through his mind. By the time he sees the familiar large figure hunched next to a bed, his chest feels ready to burst.

When Thor spots him, Bruce finds himself engulfed in a hug which he’s sure will bruise his ribs, but he can’t find it in himself to care because Thor is alive.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Category: Gen Fandom: The Avengers (Marvel Movies) Characters: Loki (Marvel), Thor (Marvel), Heimdall (Marvel), Wanda Maximoff, Bruce Banner, Thanos (Marvel), Stephen Strange, Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes, Guardians of the Galaxy Team, Steve Rogers, T'Challa (Marvel), Peter Parker Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Shitstorm with a Happy Ending, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, POV Multiple, Loss of Limbs, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Canon-Typical Violence

Chapter 2 is here! 

Here’s part 1

If you prefer reading on tumblr, the full chapter is below:

Warning: Non-Canon Limb Loss

Bruce’s heart is pounding so loudly that on any other day, he would’ve thought it to be the Other Guy trying to punch his way out of his current body. But for some reason, on the one occasion where having the Other Guy in control would actually be preferred, that stupid green asshole decides not to appear.

What a dick.

Rhodey was the one to greet him when he stepped back into the Avengers Headquarters for the first time in three years. It is mind-boggling how much technology had advanced in that span of time‒ it felt like he had just blinked and suddenly there’s now there’s live, holographic, 3D projections replacing Facetime calls. But the first thing he had noticed upon returning was the contraption caging Rhodey’s legs.

It’s been a long three years, Rhodey had answered with a wry smile when Bruce asked about it. Then the other man dropped the bombshell that Thor is here too, he arrived with some blue guy who seemed to be in pretty bad shape, before he left Bruce alone for an important call.

Bruce is racing towards the med bay, equal parts hope and dread pulsing through his mind. By the time he sees the familiar large figure hunched next to a bed, his chest feels ready to burst.

Thor spots him, Bruce finds himself engulfed in a hug which he’s sure will bruise his ribs, but he can’t find it in himself to care because Thor is alive.

Even after the hug finally ends, Thor’s hand still lingers on Bruce’s shoulder, as if Bruce will disappear once they stop touching. Bruce can hardly blame him for it. He too, believed that his close friend had died.

When Bruce gets a good look at the blue-skinned figure lying on the bed, he frowns. He studies the other man, trying to place his features with the Asgardians and other aliens who’d also been on the ship. There are patterned ridges on his forehead, cheeks and chin. He has messy black hair, an angular face, sharp cheekbones…

Bruce blinks.

“Is that… Loki?”

It is fascinating how different yet similar Loki looks compared to his normal appearance. Bruce stops at the foot of the bed, even as his morbid curiosity urges him to have a closer look.

“Why is he blue? Is he‒ do you also…?” He waves a hand around his face.

“What? No,” Thor laughs. “He’s adopted, remember?”

They fall into a companionable silence, but the joy in the mood dissipates. It leaves the two of them a grim reminder of what they’ve already lost, and what they’ll lose if they don’t take action soon.

Thor’s got the Tesseract. He tells Bruce that he plans on using it to get to some place called Nidavellir, where he seems certain he will acquire a Thanos-killing weapon. Bruce is sceptical, of course, because going there won’t stop Thanos from chasing after the Space Stone. Something more permanent would be better‒ something like destroying it. Thor seems to think it’s possible, and he merely adds “Infinity Stone-destroying” to the list of features for his future weapon. Bruce has no idea how Thor is so certain that he’ll be able to just show up on some faraway planet and get the perfect weapon forged for him on the spot, but he’s learnt not to question such things when it comes to the God of Thunder.

Loki chooses that moment to wake up, as if he has a sixth sense for detecting his brother’s questionable plans.

“Ugh, please tell me this is a nightmare,” Loki grumbles, sounding more like a disgruntled cat than someone who had a foot on death’s doorstep not even half an hour ago. He blinks blearily at Thor’s overjoyed “Loki!” and Bruce is slightly taken aback at the blood red eyes.

“Remember what happened last time we tried to destroy an Infinity Stone?” Loki glares at Thor.

“It’ll be different this time! We have experience now!” Thor insists.

Loki winces, then glares at his blue hand.

“Well I can’t even shift back, so whatever you’ve got planned probably won’t work.”

Thor waves a hand dismissively.

“Oh no, it’ll work fine, because you’re staying here to recover. And help the Avengers, of course.”

Bruce feels his eyebrows shoot up at the boldness of the declaration. He doesn’t know how much Rhodey knows about Loki’s situation (probably not at all, if Bruce had to guess). He has even less of an idea of how the other Avengers would react to Loki, though as a former enemy it is doubtful he’ll get much of a warm welcome. He’ll definitely have a rough time around the others without Thor as a buffer.

“What,” Loki says, voice completely flat.

“Yeah! Banner’s going to be staying with you.”

Bruce gapes.

“I am?”

“He is?”

“Yeah,” Thor says. “Look, all I need to do is go to Nidavellir, get the weapon made, destroy the Space Stone, then kill Thanos. It shouldn’t be too hard.”

It shouldn’t be too hard, Loki mouths disbelievingly at Bruce. Bruce can only shrug helplessly.

“There’s two more stones on Earth‒” Thor continues.

“One,” Bruce interrupts.

“One?!”

Bruce clears his throat.

“Yeah, Fish Face took the wizard, Tony and some kid back to space with him.”

“Oh. Well.” Thor seems to quickly get over it though. “Help the others protect Vision. He’s sending that army after the Mind Stone, remember?”

“Yes, yes,” Loki says, rolling his eyes. “I lost my magic, not my brain cells. Look, if you don’t come back alive, I’ll personally go and kill you myself.”

Thor grins, and salutes them with the Tesseract.

“Deal.”

Knowhere is just as much as a shithole as it was the last time Gamora was there, swarming with beings who seem completely oblivious to the imminent threat of Thanos. The only one who seems to be aware of anything happening in the wider galaxy is the Collector, but he is extremely reluctant to part with the Reality Stone.

“Now I can’t just give it to you, because that will be bad business,” he insists.

“Yeah we got this limited offer, called ‘Thanos will come after us instead and leave your ass alone’. You can take it or leave it,” Rocket says, sounding like he’s seconds away from snatching the glass cylinder, consequences be damned.

The Collector purses his lips and frowns at the swirling red mass. Then, he turns to Heimdall.

“Where is he now?”

Heimdall’s eyes suddenly flash a startlingly bright orange, causing several of the Guardians to react with audible surprise and awe. A few moments later his eyes fade back to their usual gold.

“He’ll arrive at Knowhere within a few minutes.”

The Collector tsks.

“And how many does he have already?”

“Just the Power Stone.”

The Elder blows out a breath and clasps his hands together.

“Alright. I have a plan.”

Here’s what worked:

Thanos is greeted by the sight of the Guardians coiled in defense.

He doesn’t believe what he sees.

He unleashes a wave of energy from the Power Stone.

It wipes out the Collector’s Reality Stone-induced illusion through sheer force.

The “Guardians” are revealed to be black hole grenades.

The blast from the Power Stone triggers them.

Thanos is forced to wield the Power Stone by blasting back enough concentrated energy it becomes a shield against the black holes.

He’s distracted.

Here’s what went wrong:

They aren’t fast enough.

They jump out of their hiding places, but they don’t attack him quickly enough.

Gamora’s blade barely nicks him in the neck.

He doesn’t lose control over the Power Stone.

He doesn’t get swallowed by the black holes.

Instead, he perseveres.

The backlash tears the entire museum apart. Gamora’s ears are ringing and she feels her movements crushed thoroughly under the weight of metal and concrete. She’s barely able to turn her head and she tries to ignore the way the dust still settling is suffocating the small pocket of air she’s encased in. She spits out the taste of smoke and attempts to get her bearings.

There’s a small gap to her right. Good. Even if she ends up trapped here for hours, she’ll still be able to breathe. It also doubles as a small window to the world outside. Her vision is already blurring and on top of the haze of smoke and dust, she can barely make out the looming figure of Thanos in the far distance. He is towering over someone she can’t see, and his lips are twisted into that familiar half-pitying smile fuelled by pure condescension.

She hates it.

She hates him so much.

It’s enough to renew her efforts in squirming her way out of her heavy prison, and while she’s able to move her left arm a little now, her right arm still won’t obey her.

She catches a glimpse of red in the corner of her vision.

No.

Giant purple hands gently mould the glowing red mass until it slowly solidifies into a red stone pinched between his fingers.

The air shifts the moment he slips the Reality Stone into his gauntlet.

Gamora quietly draws in a shuddering breath. She’s next. He’s going to dig through the debris for her, because he’ll want the Soul Stone next.

And she can’t even move.

But Thanos suddenly stops. He crouches down, disappearing from the view of her narrow window. When he straightens again, he cradling whatever it was that had caught his attention. For some reason he seems to find it horrifying, the long tubular thing‒ it’s an arm, with a familiar-looking switchblade still loosely caged in green fingers.

Gamora’s heart stops.

That’s her arm.

That’s her fucking arm.

She couldn’t move her right arm because she didn’t have a right arm to move.

It’s as if the sight of her missing arm had drained the adrenaline from her veins, because the entire right side of her body is suddenly swallowed by white hot pain. Her vision dissolves into static, and she can barely make out the blurry, shrinking figure of Thanos before she passes out.

When Steve walks into the Avengers Headquarters, he expects to see Bruce, but what he doesn’t expect to see is a ragged-looking blue man with a glaive, trailing two steps behind the doctor.

“And you are?” Steve asks, trying to mask his bemusement.

“I am here to help,” the blue man replies simply. Then he flashes Steve a smile which sets off several alarms in his head. He’s seen this face before, he’s sure of it. But where would he have met a blue alien?

Steve turns to Bruce, who looks back nervously.

Huh.

“So,” Bruce begins, interrupting the silence before it becomes awkward. “Some of you have already met him before, but… a lot has happened and things have changed.” He inhales before continuing. “Loki’s on our side now and Thanos‒ he’s the one who sent Loki to attack New York. And we need all the help we can get against Thanos.”

Oh.

Steve gives the blue man (Loki) a more thorough once-over. The images of the Loki from his memory begin to bleed into the reality of the one standing in front of him‒ the shape of his features, the hair, his height, the way his fingers rest on the handle of the glaive (just like the sceptre), that voice…

But what Steve also notices is that Loki looks like he’s trying to remain nonchalant at being skewered by everyone’s stares, which range from disbelieving to judgemental. His face is impassive, but his head is slightly bowed and he isn’t meeting anyone’s eyes. It’s almost as if he’s steeling himself for rejection.

“Wait, Loki? As in tried-to-invade-New-York Loki?” Sam says in disbelief.

“Oh my god.” Rhodey gapes. “That’s who Thor brought back? I thought it was some new alien buddy.”

Steve also hears Wanda and Vision beginning to murmur behind him, and he decides enough is enough.

���Alright.” His voice cuts through the room and everyone falls silent. His eyes meet Loki’s disbelieving red ones. “What do you have for us?”

When they manage to settle down to talk, Steve finally gets a better sense of what the alien woman from earlier had been raving on about. According to Bruce and Loki, Vision’s stone is one of the Infinity Stones that Thanos is after, and the Mad Titan intends to send the largest army in the universe to Earth to get it.

It is a strange sight, seeing the two of them working together like this. Hell, the last time Steve had even heard about Loki, Thor had told the Avengers that his brother “died a hero’s death”, while pleading with his red-rimmed eyes for them not to rejoice in his death. Meanwhile, Bruce’s extended absence and radio (and satellite‒ Tony had checked) silence had led them to fear the worst for him. But it turns out the reason why they aren’t currently at each other’s throats is because they (along with Thor, who’d apparently checked in at the HQ then immediately left for another planet) had gone on a hectic space adventure which involved teaming up and saving an entire realm from an apocalypse. And now they’re here because they’re trying to prevent another apocalypse, this time with the universe at stake.

Eventually everyone agrees to separate Vision from the stone so Wanda can destroy it. The only way to do so is in Wakanda, so they all board the Quinjet.

After Steve tells Sam and Natasha the coordinates, he leaves the cockpit and goes looking for Loki. In the common area, Bruce and Rhodey are deep in conversation and Wanda and Vision are silently huddled together, but there’s no sign of Loki. Just as he turns to go to the rooms, he nearly walks into someone.

“Looking for me, Captain?” Loki asks, looking almost amused.

Steve pauses. He’s decided to trust Bruce and Thor’s judgement, and from what he’s seen so far Loki seems to genuinely want to help. A small voice at the back of his head (which sounds suspiciously like Natasha’s) tells him that Loki might betray them later, but Steve quickly shelves it away. As Bruce had said, they need all the help they can get. Instead, he focuses on how Loki subconsciously runs his fingers over the patterned blue skin on the back of his hands and the way his jaw tightens, as if he’s uncomfortable with the way it feels. As if he’s trapped in a form he isn’t used to.

“Are you alright?” Steve finally settles on. Loki looks at Steve as if he’s sprouted another head.

“Truly a man of righteousness, aren’t you.” Loki’s smile feels vaguely mocking, but Steve can also detect the underlying weariness. “Inquiring after my wellbeing. Aren’t you going to threaten me? Ask if I’m up to another one of my tricks, if I’m going to stab you in the back?”

Steve politely responds with a wry smile of his own.

“Are you?”

Loki holds his gaze for a moment longer, then scoffs.

“No.” The corners of his mouth twitch upwards. “But only because that would be too predictable.”

Steve only raises his eyebrows, amused in spite of himself.

“So why did you want to talk to me?” Loki asks, cocking his head curiously.

Steve sighs.

“I’m not going to forget what you did in New York. I don’t think any of the others will either. But whatever you do from this moment on is more important than what you did back then.”

“So, what?” Loki’s laugh is short and hollow. “Have I earned the good Captain’s forgiveness already?”

“This isn’t about forgiveness.” Steve crosses his arms. “It’s about second chances.”

“And you believe someone like me deserves a second chance?”

“No.” Steve doesn’t miss the hurt that flashes through Loki’s blood red eyes. “Because it’s not up to me to decide who deserves that. It’s not up to anybody. This second chance is just something you have. You’ve already used it to save Asgard. You’ve also used it to keep the Space Stone away from Thanos. I’m sure you can think of using it for other things in the future.”

Loki looks away, and Steve can practically hear the gears grinding in his head.

“I see.” Loki’s voice is quiet, thoughtful. “Well, I suppose I’ll look forward to working with you, Captain.”

part 3

[dxmedstudent]

Hey dx. I hope you're ok. I'm ok, just moaning. Med student here. Doing end-of-rotation reflection and writing that shift work is what I found the most challenging. Don't feel like I have the freedom to write about the tiredness and effect on my mood, as med school staff might come down on me with concerns about coping, in reality just creating more stress. How did i overcome it? Caffeine before shifts. Part 1

What am I going to make myself write? ‘However I have adjusted to a sleep routine.’ Of course i’m not going to write about feeling exhausted. Because being honest here has too stressful potential consequences. I dont want to be emailed and questioned. I’m just frustrated that I’m unable to even be honest while jumping through these hoops. Because I was finding this reflection actually useful until I realised I have to hide certain aspects            Hey dx. Moaning med student again. Sorry for cluttering your inbox! Feeling a bit calmer and I’ve realised that I did actually do sensible things apart from having caffeine, like ask people for advice during my rotation :) So I can be honest about that at least!            Hello :) Don’t apologise about cluttering my inbox at all! It’s always lovely to get messages, and long asks are often easier to answer than short ones!

Reflective writing is hard; there are some helpful and interesting guidelines on how it should be done, and what we should get out of it, but very often we’re not really taught how to reflect properly. Or at least, we don’t really feel confident we know what they want from us. I think that it can absolutely be a helpful exercise in learning where we have gaps, but also in reflecting what we are doing well. But I know many of us struggle with it.I appreciate your concerns. Even when we graduate, what we write in our reflective logs remains fair game; there was a recent case in which a doctor’s reflective writing on their portfolio was used as evidence in court, leading many people to worry about the future of reflective writing. Because if it isn’t a safe environment to reflect and learn, will it stifle what people choose to share?  Because of cases like these, I can only say that it’s up to each of us to decide what is appropriate to put in our reflections; and remind students and doctors that even though by their nature we must not mention patients’ or colleagues’ names or specifics, they are considered documentation that can be used in court.  This is not to say that incidents should be hidden; in our line of work, there is always a duty of candour; that we are honest with patients about our mistakes or when things have gone wrong. However, the most appropriate course of action if something goes wrong is for a trainee to seek help and advice from their seniors and trainers, and to contact their indemnifier. And to follow their hospital’s policy for events like that.  Those who have been mentioned in complaints or who have been involved in serious incidents are expected to reflect in their portfolio after the fact, to show you understand what happened and have learned from it. But that’s another matter, quite removed from the kinds of reflection you’re dealing with right now.  But  apart from that, there does not appear to be a rule that you HAVE to disclose everything you feel, in  yourreflections; it’s up to each one of us to decide exactly what we wish to reflect on. I hope that anyone who feels they are struggling, or need help should seek it, regardless of what they reflect on. The most important thing is looking after ourselves, and getting help if and when we need it. Sometimes that’s something to reflect on, and sometimes it isn’t.  Please don’t let fears about official reflections leave you silent. If you don’t feel able to reflect on some things on your university forms or in your portfolio, you can always think, even if it is privately.  You will always need to reflect for your portfolio, but there’s nothing stopping you from keeping a sort of private diary; so long as any patient information remains anonymised so that there isn’t any problem with patient confidentiality.  Because thinking about what you’ve been through and what you’ve learned and what you’ve done absolutely is always useful. I’m glad you found things to reflect on for university that you feel comfortable sharing. Good luck in the future :)

[solkwan]

Complicated (Prt7) - Barry Allen x Reader

Complicated (Part 7) - Barry Allen x Reader

A/N: lol hi I’m still alive also srry I take a while with these things. Feel free to message me if you have a question, if u would like to know more about the story, or if u just wanna talk lmao.

Summary: Reader is starting to finally settle down and make new friends. What is to become of these future relationships? And what is it with Barry and his deep voice?

Disclaimer: I’ve never actually watched Arrow, I apologize for that. If you notice any huge mistakes or gaps, please, message me and let me know. Constructive criticism is encouraged !

Warnings: suggestive themes, cursing 

Word count: 2950

–-     

The next morning, Barry was up before I was. It felt strange, like a one night stand. Without the actual sex, that is. Regardless, I was in the Cortex as Barry and Wally were getting ready to race around the city.

I was calling my former Captain back in Star City (I thought it was Starling City, too, but apparently they rebranded or some thing now that Ollie’s the Mayor ?¿? Mandela effect *-* ¿), Frank Pike. Man, was he upset I didn’t call sooner. I was explaining my situation to him, trying to stay calm and relaxed.

“Cisco, you good?” Barry’s voice came from the monitor.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Central City Speedster 500 is about to begin. But first, I’ve got six-to-one odds. Barry takes down Wally. Any takers?” I heard Cisco say.

“Yes, sir. Of course I understand–” I kept trying to get through Pike’s head.

“–we’re betting?” I managed to hear H.R. say.

“Sir, it’s just, I was working for you for almost 5 years–yes, sir, I did disappear, but in my defense, I was struck my lightning–and I was the best you had” I tried reasoning.

“Put me down for 20 for Barry” Iris said.

I looked up at Cisco and snapped my fingers. He noticed and I started making hand signals. Indicating I was also betting on Barry.

He mouthed the words ‘how much?’ and I mouthed back 'hundred’. He raised his eyebrows and nodded in approval.

“Damn, girl” He continued taking everyone’s bet.

“Sir, if you let me go now, I promise you, you’ll never have anyone as hardworking and committed as me” I pleaded with my him. I pinched the bridge of my nose and hoped for the best. I heard Pike sigh heavily.

“Oh yes! Pay up” Iris said with a smile.

I looked over and realized Barry had already won. Jeez, this call was taking longer than I expected. The line on the other end was quiet for a minute. I started to think Pike had just hung up. Then, he spoke.

“Queen, you’re not wrong about being one of our best. Your work is truly magnificent. You will be transferred to Central City Police Department as soon as possible”

I almost squealed right there. For a second there I didn’t think it would work.

“T-Thank you so much, sir! I promise I won’t disappoint–!” Everyone turned to me as my tone changed to a much happier one.

“Don’t thank me yet. You start today, an hour. Get your things and be on your way. Report to Captain David Singh as soon as possible”

“Wait–I’m sorry–d-did you just say an hour?! I know you said soon, sir, but–”

“No 'but’s, Queen, if you want to keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll do as I say. Got it?” I swallowed hard as he scolded me.

“Y-Yes, sir” I heard him sigh through the other end.

“Look, kid, this isn’t easy for me either, but things are tough around here, and it’d be a hell of a lot easier with you here” I could hear his frustration through the phone.

     “Sir, with all due respect, you’ve done fine without me for two years. Having me around won’t make any difference. I-I think a new start is what I need. Trust me, sir” my voice dropped down to almost a whisper.

“God, (Y/n), what am I going to do with you?” He chuckled, “You Queens are gonna drag my ass down”

“It’s what we do” I joked.

“Yeah, well tell that brother of yours I said 'hi’,”

“Will do, thank you, Captain”

“My pleasure”     

I hung up. I looked at my phone unbelievably. I let out a shaky laugh and looked up. I noticed everyone staring at me, waiting for me to say something.     

I quickly texted Oliver.

‘Pike says hi’     

My phone dinged. God, Oliver was fast.

’oml’     

There was a gush of wind & lightning then Barry and Wally were back. I made sure everyone was settled down before I spoke. I give an unsure smile before speaking.

“I have now officially transferred to CCPD” My voice was shaky.     

The reactions around the room varied, but they were mostly happy, as I hoped they’d be. Cisco looked at me like a proud mom. Caitlin was surprised, but glad. Joe congratulated me with a reassuring smile.     

Wally smiled in my direction, I assumed he was happy I’d stay longer. H.R.’s eyes widened and he threw his drumsticks to the air in celebration. Iris seemed as to be speechless and Barry was ecstatic.

“Seriously?” He came up to hug me, a huge grin on his face.

“Yeah” I laughed as I hugged back.

“Does that mean you’re staying?” He whispered full of hope.

“I’d never leave you, Barry Allen” I smiled before pulling away, “I was really scared I wouldn’t be able to transfer, but here I am”

“I told you you’d be fine. You’re the best” he smiled adorably and I shoved him playfully.

“Shut up, I have to report to Captain Singh in like an hour, so I have to go” I started gathering my stuff before Barry stopped me.

“Hey, fastest man alive, right here, ya know?” He pointed at himself.

“Yeah, well from what I’ve heard, you have a tendency to be late regardless of said fact” I threw a teasing smile at him before frowning.

“Hey, anyone else hungry or is that just me?” I questioned before walking out of the cortex room.

Joe and I arrived at Luigi’s not too long after stopping at CCPD. We walked in and saw Julian and Barry already examining a body.

“Hey guys, this one is, uh–” Barry tried finding the words.

Oh, God.

“–pretty ghastly. Detectives, I warn you” Julian says as we reach them.

Barry’s voice.

“What the hell,” I said as I uncovered the decomposing body.

“That’s the body?” Joe asks.

“Yeah, why?” Responds Barry.

His voice–it’s really husky and hot.

“He died less than eight hours ago” I answered and Julian turned to me.

“Eight hours?” He asked.     

“He was a chef here, Stuart Holzman, and the owner confirmed that he was working last night” Joe explained whilst I took a closer look at the body.

“Huh,” Julian looked at me and I shrugged. “That’s a lot of damage in a short amount of time,” Barry observes.

Is this his work voice?

“We thinking it’s a meta?”

“Maybe it’s a meta?”

Joe and I spoke at the same time. We looked at each other and frowned before laughing softly.

“It may be a meta, although certain chemicals can cause similar reactions” said Julian.

“Yeah, any acid–” Barry started.

“–with a pH below two, that’s right” I finished, remembering it from an old case.

You can seduce me any time you’d like, Mr. Forensics.

“Precisely, Ms. Queen” Julian answers, “We could be looking for an aggressive variant necrotized fasciitis”

“A flesh-eating disease” Barry concluded. “That’s gross” I said.

But his tone isn’t.

“In a restaurant?” Joe rushed out, “I’m never eating out again”

“Okay, so an autopsy might help us hone in on what really did this” Barry suggested.

I need to stop.     

“Yes, I agree,” Julian said, “unfortunately County denied my request for a 3D image medical scanner, which would make short work of the process”

“–Okay, well, we have one at S.T.A.R. Labs” Barry interrupted.

He’s the one who needs to stop talking like that.

“Allen, this is an active case,” Julian shot at him, “there is protocol to follow”     

Julian looked up at me and Joe. We both looked at each other and shrugged.

“Surely?” Julian looked back at Barry.

“Not if we’re gonna figure this out” Barry told him.

Why does he do this to me.

“Okay, I’ll bag the body myself and meet you there” Julian said.

“Great” answered Barry as he stood up.     

I stared as Joe and Barry left the restaurant. I turned back to Julian. Then to the body. And back to Julian.     

“Does he always sound that hot when working on a case?” I asked him, straight faced, “Or just when he’s concentrated, because, God, I can’t tell if that was adorable or if I’m just turned on by him. Either way, I’m smitten”

“What?” His eyes widened and he frowned. “–What?” My face was still blank.

“Did you say–” 

 “I–what–no–” I overlapped his sentence. 

 “–something?”

 “–I didn’t–did you?” I finished by shaking my head and frowning.

      There was a moment of awkward silence. He was just staring at me. I figured he was trying to find out whether I was serious or not. After a few seconds I couldn’t help but let out an awkward laugh. 

 “Bloody hell, (Y/n)” he trailed off with a small smile. 

 “I-” I bit my lip, trying to contain my laughter, “-nope” 

 “Just help me get the body back to S.T.A.R. Labs, will you?” He tried remaining serious. 

 “Yeah, yeah” I teasingly rolled my eyes.

 “Okay–no. I’ve literally never heard him speak in that tone” 

I argued with Julian as we entered S.T.A.R. Labs. We had Stuart’s body bagged and on a bed with wheels so it was easily transportable. 

“He always speaks like that!” Julian laughed at me. 

 “Who always speaks like what?” Cisco pokes his head out at us as we walked by the Cortex. I motioned them to follow Julian and I.      

“Barry speaking in this really low voice” I answered, “Oh, and Caitlin, would you mind doing an autopsy for our Stuart friend here?”

      I spoke as I motioned to the body. We entered the med bay and Julian and I moved into the pathology room. Which also doubled as the operating room and so on and so on. 

 “I’d be honored” Caitlin said.      

Julian and I centered the body in the middle of the room before returning out to Cisco and Caitlin. 

 “Actually, I think I’ll be fine on my own” Julian argued. 

“Shut up for a second, Julian, and just listen to what I have to say for once,” I joked. “We are here, not only to start the autopsy soon, but to open and close this case once and for all” 

Cisco and Caitlin looked at me suspiciously. Eagerly waiting for me to tell them what this so-called case was all about.

 “You two may have heard Julian and I arguing when we first arrived–” 

“It’s hard not to” Wally pointed out as he entered the room. 

 “Ah, more witnesses, yes. Well–we were arguing about how hot Barry sounded this morning–”  

“I didn’t know you swung that way, Julian?” Cisco jokingly asked.      

“We were arguing about the tone he speaks everyday, not how hot he sounded” Julian told his side, “and if I did swing that way, that’s none of your business, Ramon”

“Hard not to when you guys are all so good looking” I teasingly said with a wink and everyone else gave a smile.     

“Anyways, I was just telling Julian how much deeper Barry’s voice sounds when he’s at work, which I just happened to find attractive” I shrugged.      

“Which I answered to with: Barry always sounds like that and sounds more depressing than anything” Julian narrowed his eyes, pretending to think. 

 “That’s what this is all about?” Asked Wally with a laugh.

     “Hey, just hear me out guys!” I continued as everyone teased me, “When I met Barry roughly two years ago, he was a small little bean with big big dreams”  

The room filled with laughter as the conversation went on. 

 “Barry was anything but that when we first met” Julian said and I argued.      

“Yeah, well, Barry was literally the cutest thing when we met. Even now he always speaks to me with a happy tone. Just his normal speaking voice.      

"When I walked through that restaurant not even an hour ago, I had no idea what was in store for me. I don’t know if it was the crime scene, or the urgency of it, or the acceleration of me being here, but his voice definitely does not usually sound like that.      

"It was like he was a totally different person and I cannot deny his voice really turned me on” I laughed in embarrassment, but, luckily for me, they all laughed because they thought it was funny. 

 “You’re literally so screwed, (Y/n)” Julian shook his head, laughing. “Can’t disagree with Julian there” said Cisco.      

My face fell as I realized what they were talking about. Iris and Barry. And Savitar, too. I internally groaned before laughing a humorless laugh.      

“Yeah, yeah, Iris and Barry,” I answered, “I admit, it’s not the best situation to be in, but let me have my moments and I’ll let you have yours” I smiled awkwardly at them all.

     Wally smiled warmly at me as he shook his head jokingly. Julian and Cisco were still giggling like school girls about my little 'moment’ as I had called it. Caitlin rubbed my shoulder apologetically while giving me a small smile.      

I pushed my hair back as I sat down in one of the white chairs. Caitlin and Julian went to go get ready for the autopsy. The rest sat down, and as we waited we joked around as best as we could. H.R. joined in, too.      

Soon, Julian and Caitlin were ready and entered the pathology room. We all stood up from our chairs, eager to find out what had happened to poor Stuart Holzman. Barry quickly joined us. 

 “You think this is what it’s like to be a character on CSI?” Asked Cisco and I hummed in response. 

 “What do they hope to gain from that examination?” H.R. questioned pointing at Caitlin and Julian with his drum stick.      

I looked at him in disbelief. Does he seriously not know what an autopsy was? Well, I guess not everyone would know. Either way it made me uneasy. Barry started answering H.R.      

“They’re trying to find the exact cause of death. Once we know that, we’ll have a better idea of what we’re dealing with,” Barry looked over to Wally, “But until then, we need to train”      

Wally’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. 

 “I’m going to teach you everything I know, starting with phasing” Barry told him. 

“Yes, finally!” Wally praised Barry. 

 “Wait, I wanna see,” I interrupted, “You guys mind if I sit in?” 

 “Not at all” Barry said with a smile. 

 “Oh! Yes, please! You’ll get to see me in action!” Wally smiled at me and I laughed. 

 “I just have to make a few calls first” I told Wally, his smile didn’t falter a bit.

“Calls?” Barry frowned at me.      

“Yeah, I’m actually looking at some apartments,” I explained myself, “You know, so I don’t have to stay here all the time. I mean, no offense but this isn’t exactly a five-star hotel” I mused.      

“But don’t worry Wally,” I looked at Wally, “they won’t take long. I just need to double check with the apartment guy,” I rambled on, “I’m heading over later today to check out a couple places and I need to make sure I get there on time.”

“No problem,” he enthusiastically told me, “as long as you finally see me run–maybe even phase!”      

“Don’t get too cocky now” Barry joked in a not-so teasingly way. Wally could care less, him still gleaming, but I narrowed my eyes and frowned a bit at Barry.

“You know what we should do?” Asked H.R., “We should concoct some simulations to help Wallace learn this new skill” he turned to Cisco. 

 “What do you say, Francisco?” 

 “I got one word for you: quebracho” Cisco responded. 

“Let’s go!” Said Barry. 

 “Quebracho!”

After securing a time with the apartment guy, I walked into the room everyone else was at. Barry, Cisco, and H.R. stood watching Wally run laps. I stared at the yellow lightning in amazement. Then, Wally came down and ran to the wooden wall. He crashed into it and everyone else gasped. 

 “Oh, Christ” I said. 

 “That hurt like–” Wally started. 

 “Like you ran into a giant wooden wall? Cause you did” H.R. told him. 

 My walkie-talkie made a static sound, I listened in as best as I could. 

 “And it’s not just any wooden wall,” Cisco told him, “that’s double-reinforced Quebracho”      

“Hey, uh, guys?” I looked up at them, “I’m sorry, Wally, but I gotta go, crime scene.” 

I pointed at my wallow-talkie and grabbed Barry’s arm before dragging us out of there. I saw Wally’s face drop from frustration to disappointment. 

 “I’ll be back! You can do it, Wally! Good luck! Just–try like–vibrating I don’t know!” I did my best to motivate him. 

 I heard a muffled 'thank you’ as we walked out. 

 “Hey, slow down, you know I can just run us there?” Barry stopped me. 

“You sure you won’t stop at Jitters for a snack and make us late again?” I teased him. 

 “Yes, I’m sure” he teased me back, “besides, you’re the one who wanted to try my drink, I just grabbed a snack while we were there” 

“Hey! For your information 'The Flash’ was very delicious and I’m glad I got a taste of you,” I winked at him and he turned a rosy color. 

 “Just hop on my back and let’s go” he laughed.      

I smiled excitedly and motioned for him to bend down. I hopped on and he told me to hold on before running off, with me on his back, giggling like a child.

[new-vogue-ravyn]

@cobwebbing tagged me in this, I will answer but not do the rest as my brain is fluff right now.

Did you pre-order Battlefront ii/are you going to watch other people play it online?

I will probably watch a walkthrough of the game or certain missions. As much as I love video games I am absolutely shit at anything more advanced than point-and-click casual games, so I am a big fan of full walkthroughs without commentary on Youtube. Though if the narrator wasn't a dudebro/otherwise irritating I might be happy to listen to one with commentary.

Are you planning on reading any more of the articles that come out this month?

It depends on the context of the article. Generally I don't care much about spoilers. I went into TFA knowing two of the big 'shock reveals', and in a way I think that helped me enjoy the film as I sort of knew what was coming. (Still cried at the end though, because it was as if I was 8 years old again). So if there's mention of something/someone I'm interested in I might read it. If it's an interview with Canto Bight set designers, that’s something that could wait.

What consequences do you think Rey will take her hair down in? How about taking off her vest?

From a practical point of view I imagine her hair will come down either after she gets caught in the rain/falls in the sea. Her vest probably as part of training because it makes sense she’d get hot and not want a useless flapping thing around her chest that could get singed by a lightsaber. It’s possible that Kylo’s “Kill the past” speech, if it’s directed at her, might be why Rey removes her buns, but I try not to set my heart on ideas via speculation if I can help it.

Assuming Kylo and Rey fight again, do you think one will triumph over the other or that it will be disrupted/end in a stalemate before there’s a clear winner?

Again, I try not to fixate on speculation, but personally it would mean more if Kylo was to have the definitive upper hand and still let Rey go. It would also be handy signposting for the segment of the audience that can’t seem to grasp nuance.

Are you as disappointed with the lack of Rose in advertising as I am? :(

Fuck yes. I am hoping it’s just because they don’t want to spoil Rose and Finn’s arc (and I wonder if Rose might be more important to the plot going forward than it appears now) but if not then...well, side eye.

How long is Kylo’s goth bandaid going to be on?

Do I look like a med-droid to you? I imagine probably for the first quarter/third of the film, but it probably depends on the timeline; whether there are significant skips and gaps between events or if it all happens within a few days/weeks.

(Incidentally, you can get black band-aids/plasters in this universe if you want to cosplay his rad look or are simply so Goth that you shit bats.)

Do you think we’ll see any Force ghosts in this movie?

If we do, I imagine they’ll appear as visions on Ach-To. If Rey has a Jedi ancestor they could come and offer her some advice. So long as their advice is actually worth a damn (looking at you, Jedi Council).

What’s your favourite Star Wars creature?

Okay, so porgs are really cute, because they are like space puffins and I love birds so automatic win. I feel this is also a good time to mention that Banthas are adorable. Sure they probably smell, but they look like giant mops with curly ram horns and a big wobbly mouth, and have the laid back attitude of a cow-sloth. They’re not quite as cute as the similar species from the Stargate film, but awww bless.

What color/style of lightsaber would you pick if you could make one?

Sometimes when I’m feeling especially masochistic I go on the Ultrasabers website and ponder this question, in case I ever win the lottery. Blade colour would be purple, which in the EU indicated someone who used both light and dark side techniques. I feel that would suit me as despite my natural inclinations towards niceness I am very drawn to the dark side in certain ways. As a certain humour post says “my heart says Jedi Knight, but my emotional instability says Sith Lord”. I’ve yet to settle on a hilt, but I would probably be a single or dual wielder rather than a saberstaff. I do like the Dark Mantis a great deal though.

Assuming Star Wars had a higher rating and could be more scary/gruesome/sexy/etc, what would you want to see happen in 8?

Not really in 8, as I adore the main saga the way it is, but I would love a genuinely horrific Knights of the Old Republic/Sith/darksider-focused film. Towards the end of the EU run they released a couple of horror themed Star Wars novels, which I’ve not got around to reading yet but own, and this seems like a great idea. Imagine how fucking scary a Sith shade could be! And in the new canon they’d need to be attached to a holocron or something similar, so cursed object tropes are good to go!

[taylie-a-study-mochi]

FAQ 🌼

Welcome to my blog! I’m going to answer some basic questions here and if you have any other questions to ask that haven’t been answered here, shoot me an ask and it’ll join this #thetayFAQ #abouttay

What’s your full name? [Taylor Riley. I don’t give out my last name for obvious reasons! 😅]

How old are you? [23, my birthday is June 22nd. I’m a 96 liner 😏]

What are your preferred pronouns/gender and if you’re comfortable sexuality? [ I’m cool with she/her/they/them. My gender isn’t something I particularly label. I usually go with my given gender and don’t mind it, it’s just not exactly I suppose how I feel, however I am content and it’s not something that truly bothers me. So, calling me a woman or genderqueer is honestly fine with me. My sexuality is Queer/Bi. I also believe I’m somewhere on the aromantic spectrum!]

What country are you from? [USA, unfortunately. Midwest...IL, which is even more unfortunate.]

Religion? [I’m a very poor practicing Hellenic Polytheist. I’m an Aphrodite Devotee, but am obviously worshipping all the Gods. I am open to perhaps another devotion in the future. Right now, I need to have a stable somewhat practice. It’s only been two years...*sighs* mental illness man...it’s rough!]

Do you answer questions about Hellenic Polytheism and Religion in general? [Yup! I am more than happy to discuss that! I actually love talking about different religions and philosophies. I don’t tolerate any bashing though of any religion. 😒

Oh! You’re a student? [Hell yeah! Going for my screenwriting degree! I would love to work in television or video games. I also love to write novels/short stories/poems.]

DO YOU WRITE FANFICTION!?!?!? [LOL, yeah my dudes! I can write fan fiction for Supernatural, Harry Potter, and BTS! I’m open to anything with a reader, but if you’d like a romantic pairing the romantic pairings I write are, Destiel, WolfStar, Jily, Blackinnon, YoonMin, NamJin, TaeKook, JiKook, YoonKook. Otherwise, I am able to write bros being bros, chicks being chicks, etc! I also can write headcanons or reactions.

Are there any pairings that you don’t like will not answer questions about or write about? [I don’t write anything involving incest, or a non-legal age gap. Otherwise you’re free to ask but honestly I’m not a huge shipping person, despite the amount of fanfiction I read...I personally read for plot and because I love the “characters” so I’m super lame and don’t really have major hardcore ships besides like Destiel and WolfStar? Maybe Blackinnon? Oh and obviously Jily! Otherwise feel free to ask and I’ll let you know!

You’re an ARMY? [YEAH! Since Danger Era 😭 2014 was a positively changing year for me. BTS has been there for me through a lot of shit and I’m not ashamed to say I’m an ARMY! However, please don’t bash any members. I don’t have a bias. I have members I relate to more some days than others, sometimes always, but I honestly love every single one and I low key think biases can stir trouble if you don’t tread carefully, and that’s for any fandom! I’m always here to gush about them!]

Why is your current username that? [Well heads up, I’ll change it a lot. Currently though, it’s because bapsae is a jam, but also because I relate to the song, and in my way I am a complete and proud bapsae. 🖕🏻]

Favorite album? Song? BTS or otherwise? [DOOOOOOOOOOOOD. I don’t. Honestly picking favorites to me is impossible. So don’t ask, because I’ll end up naming like all the albums and songs of anyone.]

Halsey? [is that even a question? Fan since she started. Fan till the end. Ugh, fan is such an awful word. I got to find a stronger word!]

Languages? Ethnicity? [I technically at one point was fluent in spanish, but then highschool stopped 😂 so sadly very little Spanish, and I’d say I’m pretty decent at English, lol. I’d love to learn Korean but I’m very bad with languages and I’d have to have a very patient teacher. I don’t have the money for classes either. And dudes, I’m a whiter than an igloo. German/Polish descent. I’d be shook if I even had 1% anything else than white European.]

Politics? [ don’t even get me started. I do not talk about politics mostly because it makes me anxious about the state of the world and how ignorant people are but I don’t believe in political parties and I base my thoughts on others morals and beliefs versus red or blue or whatever other color, green? Lol. And no I don’t like fucking Asshole™️ and I don’t even wanna see his name.]

SUPERNATURAL? [ yeahhhhhhh, since ole dad went missing in 05’. I’m happy we’re coming across the last season and the story will finally end. It hasn’t been the same amazing awesome good show since Season 5/6. I mean I don’t mind it, but I honestly read more fanfic then pay attention to the show. And the actors, lol. I went to a con, and it was the time of my life. Supernatural is and was a big part of my life and always will be!]

HARRY POTTER? [ALWAYS! Love Harry Potter. That may be an understatement my room is actually HP themed. Like...I mean honestly Harry Potter themed like my walls are golden and maroon! 😂 and yes I’m a Gryffindor. I lean more towards Marauder Era, but obviously I love the original story as well. If you want pics of my room, shoot me asks.]

I see you speak a lot about mental health? [yupp, huge advocate. In therapy myself, future social worker/therapist whenever I can finally finish my undergrad and apply to grad school! I am super open about my struggles and anything majorly triggering will be tagged but I am real about everything.]

You have ADHD? [yeah was just diagnosed this year! It explains honestly so much and since starting stimulants life has improved. Focus still sucks. Memory still sucks. But hey, I can at least focus and memorize enough to somewhat function! WOOHOO! Also I’m in therapy and I will make you go to therapy ya sad sacks! 😉 but no seriously go to therapy. It’s awesome. Don’t stop till you find the right person. Don’t be afraid of meds. Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself!

Woah! That was...explicit...? [MY FAM...I am a very sexual creature. I will totally non ashamedly talk about anything and everything sex related from in general to about BTS to about SPN, to honestly anything and everything. However it will be tagged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly don’t follow unless you’re 18+, but I can’t stop you so just FILTER THE #nsfw #notsafeforwork #smut

Recommend fics? [you can and you may also request :’) I do love to hype talented writers.]

Single? [HAH! Yeah, dudes I’m single and not particularly looking especially online.]

Do you drink? [cant with my meds! And personally I get anxious if I’m high or drunk so it’s not something I’m into but I’m sure I’ll indulge...once or twice a year 😂]

Any other questions shoot me an ask!

Requests? Shoot me an ask!

Just wanna gush? Tell me something awesome?

TALK TO ME! 👑

[mrsteveecook]

my friend doesn’t understand work, my coworker sent me unsolicited advice about quitting gracefully, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My friend doesn’t understand how work works

I have a friend who just started his first job (ever, never worked a part-time job) after graduating undergrad. He is taking two gap years between med school and undergrad, and he’s working in an admin position on campus in the meantime.

My friend really just doesn’t understand how work works! Though he is the most junior person in his office, he constantly gets annoyed if other people in the office ask him for help on anything. He says he doesn’t want to be a crutch for them to use. He seemed generally stunned when a coworker asked to send out a package when he is already sending several out for the office. It’s not that he is swamped with work – he just doesn’t want to be seen as the person who does everyone’s mail.

The rest of the lab IS swamped, while my friend watches TV shows daily. He also takes long breaks walking around campus, without alerting anyone, and then clocks all this time as time worked. Eventually his boss said something about needing to set hard deadlines for assignments because things were slipping through the cracks. He freaked out, saying that he doesn’t need to be micromanaged. But in reality, he is purposefully drawing out his assignments by watching TV, so they’re definitely not being completed in an effective manner. He’s in an isolated part of the building, so nobody checks in on him to see if he’s actually working or not. I don’t believe that anyone is aware that he slacks off, as he describes the methods used to look busy and to hide his TV screen.

He complains constantly to me about these issues, saying that he doesn’t want to be the “B****” of the office just because he is the youngest. In other aspects of his life, he is truly very hardworking, so I feel like he just really does not understand how work works!

It’s not my place to say anything, as I’m not his manager, but as a friend, I would like to make it clear that he’s acting unprofessionally. He’s counting on letters of recommendation from this office for his applications, and I don’t want him to jeopardize these. I normally act shocked when he says he watched TV or whatnot to show it’s not standard behavior, but it’s not getting through. Should I stay out of it or say something?

You can definitely say something as his friend, but you should be prepared for the likelihood that you won’t get through to him. But if he’s telling you this stuff, there’s no reason you can’t have a natural reaction when he does — like, “Dude, this is how work works — when you’re the most junior person and have time on your hands, of course they’re going to ask you for help. There’s nothing weird about that. And “Hey, are you still counting on this job for letters of recommendation? Because you’re putting those in jeopardy by the way you’re acting at work.” And “You’re going to get fired if you keep that up.” And so forth. (In fact, if you don’t say that sort of thing, you’re going to be in a weird position when he tells you this stuff. It’s a normal response, and you should feel free to have it.)

But your friend sounds tremendously immature, and someone did him a disservice by not requiring to have a job before now (or at least preparing him for how work works). It might be that nothing will get through to him until he experiences the natural consequences of his behavior. As a friend, it’s understandable to want to try — and you should! — but it’s not on you if you don’t get through to him.

2. After I resigned, my coworker sent me unsolicited advice about quitting gracefully

I gave my three weeks notice at my current job yesterday, and things have already gotten weird! About an hour after I had the conversation with my manager, I received an email from a colleague who is close with my manager, but who I am not close with. He congratulated me on my new position, and then sent three web links to articles on how to “gracefully resign.” All three links have these in the title, it seems like that’s the phrase he googled.

Am I being paranoid, or does this seem as pointed as it feels? I’m not sure where it’s coming from, as I’ve never had any negative feedback about my professionalism, and so far, my resignation has been very by the books. I’d like to ask him whether my manager feels that I haven’t been professional in my resignation, but I’m wondering if it’s just better to let this one go?

The details of my resignation: Yesterday, I emailed my manager in the morning asking when she had time to meet and talk. She’s a busy person, so she asked if I could call, to which I responded that I would rather talk in person. We confirmed a meeting time but not five minutes later, I got a call from her asking for a “hint.” I said that I would just need to have the whole conversation, a hint would be hard, and she said to just tell her. So I did! I told her that it had been a hard decision, that I had enjoyed working here, but that I had accepted another job offer and that my last day would be three weeks out. I also let her know that I still wanted to meet in person, because I was working on a transition plan but wanted to make sure our priorities matched up. It was a short call, but it seemed to go okay at the time. If anything, she seemed disappointed or sad.

For what it’s worth, my manager does have a history of speaking poorly of people behind their backs once they’ve done something to make her unhappy. I’m concerned that she’s not telling people the truth about my resignation, but I’m not sure if that matters.

Your resignation sounds perfectly done — you tried to meet in person but said it over the phone when she pushed you to (which is better than playing games about it) and what you said was everything you should say when resigning. So I don’t know what’s up with your coworker! Sending those links would have been an extremely snotty move even if you had been unprofessional, which you weren’t; you’re not even close with this guy and he no standing to send you unsolicited advice in this context. It’s bizarre.

So yeah, either he is extremely weird and inappropriate (is he?) and did this on his own, or your manager misrepresented what happened and he’s still weird and inappropriate enough to think this is appropriate for him to do.

If you feel like pursuing it, you could walk over to him and say, “I’m confused by the email you sent me about resigning. Did you have a concern about the way I gave notice?” (I would do this because I would be irate and would want to force him to explain his thinking, but you might be better off just leaving it alone.)

You could also say to your boss, “Did you or Bob have some concern about the way I resigned? After he heard I’m leaving, he sent me some articles about how to resign gracefully and I can’t figure out why.”

Or you could just let it go, of course. But personally I’d enjoy making it awkward for them.

3. Should we stagger our employee start dates?

I am the HR department of one in a pretty small company with about 30 employees. We recruit from a few schools to have a class of “20XX” join during the summer following their graduation. This summer we had six employees start in a three-week span. It was really hard on a lot of senior management to train those six (even with lower lever employees helping), and they are still really under-utilized, months later.

Our presidents have decided they would like to stagger the start dates of the 2019 class, having two start in June, two in July, two in August, and two in September. We’ve never done it this way, and at the last meeting, I received pushback from members of our recruiting team (not HR employees or senior employees, but employees early in their career who have connections with the schools we recruit at) saying that it is better to have them all start in one large group. They said that it could be awkward to start by yourself, and then whoever starts in June would have more of an advantage over who starts in September. I can see both sides of the argument, but being green myself in the workforce, I was wondering if you had any advice about the best way to schedule these new employees start dates?

It should be up to the managers who will be managing/training them. They’re the ones best equipped to say what will work best for them and their teams.

But for the record, your junior employees’ arguments are weird. It’s very, very normal to start a new job by yourself without a class of other new hires. I mean, yes, it might be nicer to start with a group of other new hires, but that’s not crucial and it isn’t more important than your actual business needs. And there aren’t unfair advantages to starting three months before someone else. People start jobs at different dates all the time. It’s how work goes. None of this is a reason to override what will work best for the managers who will be hiring them.

4. Recruiting someone who works for an important customer

We are a very small, very specialized company. We need to add an experienced analyst very quickly – we are drowning in work. There is one analyst that we would love to have but he works for a customer, a critically important customer. We absolutely do not want to damage our relationship with the customer or the analyst so poaching the person seems out of the question. However, I’d like to legitimately ask him if he knows any analysts in our field who are looking for an opportunity and might be a good fit for our company. If he knows someone, that would be terrific and we’d want to meet them. If, however, he sees this as an opportunity for himself that’s even better.

We’ve worked with this person for a few years and have a good relationship with him. When we’ve been at his site or seen him at industry meetings, it’s not unusual to have dinner with him and be generally, casually social with him.

How would I do approach him about this opening without crossing any ethical boundaries or appearing to be poaching from a customer? Would this be better if our lead analyst (his counterpart at our company) were to contact him or can I, pseudo-HR person, do it?

Your proposed solution — asking him if he knows anyone who might be interested in the position and hoping he volunteers himself if he’s interested — is exactly how people do this when they’re worried about the optics around trying to hire someone away from a customer (or partner organization or so forth). That way, if you hire him and your customer/his employer is upset, you can truthfully say he threw his hat in the ring himself, as opposed to you deliberately trying to lure him away. (However, you should also keep in mind that some people are really territorial about employees — not that they should be, but they are — and no matter how you frame it, there’s a risk that your critically important customer will be upset.)

I think it’s fine for you to be the one to do it, but your lead analyst might have better rapport with him. Really, though, this is mostly about getting the job posting in front of him and then seeing what he does from there.

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my friend doesn’t understand work, my coworker sent me unsolicited advice about quitting gracefully, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

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