#also yes this is gonna be my header i need to end the era of . whatevers going on in my current one LOL

[ricecaqes]

funny how we get attached to the struggle

hey guys i already posted about this but. guess whogot farewell golden (its me....). ive had this idea for a drawing for like probably a year now but i didnt let myself do it until it had officially Done It. and we're here now! and it still feels so surreal ...

it is genuinely impossible to try and express what celeste means to me beyond being my favorite game and a special interest. its just like. i cant even articulate it. it means the whole world to me and ive spent the past 6 years growing n changing and it has stuck and helped me with shit. and getting fwg inevitably in Some Form means im closing the book in terms of how far i can go w the base game but i am nowhere near done w celeste and i hope i never will be. sorry for beang sappy i huave autism about this game really bad. peace and love on planet earth yall

[candlewaxandp0lar0ids]

Check-In Tag

I was tagged (a lil while back!) by the awesome @underthejoon!

1. why did you choose your url?

It's a Taylor Swift lyric, a line from New Year's Day, which is probably my favorite song from Reputation!

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them

Nope, don't have any yet! I'm kinda considering doing a fic rec blog though but knowing me it will take me an eternity, if I do ever get around to it.

3. how long have you’ve been on tumblr?

Well, this blog is quite recent, I've had it since November 2020, but I had another blog, when I was active in a different fandom, that I'd had since May 2018.

4. do you have a queue tag?

I don't even use the queue lol. If I want to reblog something later I save it in my drafts. And then forget it there for a while.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

To share the fanfiction I was writing, mostly!

6. why did you choose your icon?

Because it's Folklore era Taylor and I love her 🥺

7. why did you choose your header?

The one real bangswift interaction. A cultural reset.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

That would be I don't like a gold rush

9. how many mutuals do you have?

Not many at all lol

10. how many followers do you have?

459 at the moment!

11. how many people do you follow?

62

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

I don't think I have?

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

Wayyy too often. But most of the time it's just checking my dash and seeing nothing's happened.

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

I had a few arguments when I used that other blog I mentioned (I'm making it sound very mysterious but it's really not lol) but it was mostly very civil. I also got blocked by people once or twice bc I guess they thought I was annoying lol. But other times they saw the point I was making and ended up agreeing with me so like. There were a few wins here and there. Haven't had any fights since I got here!

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

Contrarian. (but more seriously, I reblog them sometimes. Others I don't. It just depends.)

16. do you like tag games?

I do! I'm just bad at getting to them in a timely fashion.

17. do you like ask games?

Yes! I'm just also bad at getting to them in a timely fashion. I just don't know how to talk to people and so it takes me a weird amount of time and focus to do it.

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

Nice oxymoron.

19. do i have a crush on a mutual?

Not really? They're real cool people though.

And I'm gonna tag, uh, @elidebrey @gukieater if you guys want to do it!

[luvdsc]

IVE NEVER HAD DINO SHAPED NUGGETS BEFORE :(( i'm gonna run to some store bcs we NEED dino shape nuggets for our picnic!!! six feet huh.. funfact, i've only been outside my house 3 times during the whole 4 months lmao. well, i was a small forward!! how bout you? im honestly speechless about your whole volunteering thing because you are such an angel omg😳 i've never actually met someone who's done that much volunteering before!!andd yess i graduated hs but i cant wait for collegeee eheh (1/2)

its wib and its always hot ahaha,, ive gotten used to it tho, and ofc your fic didnt disappoint!! honestly the whole fic s c r e a m e d hyuck so much i was endeared by how you got his personality captured perfectly. i agree that he would totally look good as an e-boy and that y/n must've loved him a lot esp thru that red hair phase jahaga. also ! the ending was just beautifully written and the comments were [chefs kiss] the weather is humid but i had a fun weekend, i hope you did too!! ♡ (2/2)

✿ ✿ ✿

OMG THEY’RE THE BEST!!!! 💝💝 I know it’s just the shape that’s different, but it somehow still tastes better, you know? And yes!!!!! We have to get them for our picnic! Omg that’s better than me! I haven’t gone anywhere, except my backyard in the past four months 😅 oooo, I was mainly the shooting guard, but I also played small forward at times, too!! And omg you’re very kind, thank you 🥺 I know a lot of people who volunteer much more than I do, and I wish I took advantage of the volunteering opportunities my university has, like the global summer immersion trips, but it’s too late now ): aaaah that’s so exciting, I hope you have the best of times in college, honey bee!!! Have you chosen your field of study already? 💘

oh woah, I just googled and you’re 14 hours ahead of me djdjkdkdkcx also pls teach me your ways of getting used to hot weather..... I’ve lived here all my life, and I still hate it rip and oh my gosh, thank you so much!!!! 😭💕 I’m so happy you were able to connect hyuck to how I characterized him in my fic :’) and YES he would look soooo good in eboy fashion!!! the dreamies’ go era was superior with its peak eboy fashion, and I want sm to bring it back bsjdjdjdkdjc LMAO I saw that pic of his limitless hair when I was making his header and was like “I must mention this” 👀 and thank you omg !!!! I wanted the ending to be really cute but also show some of their best friend banter, too :’) AND OH THE COMMENTS WERE MY FAVORITE TO WRITE, AND IM SO HAPPY THAT YOU LIKED THEM 💞💞 also humid weather.... my nemesis. I’m happy to hear your weekend went well! Mine is going well because I remembered daisy mae is here to sell turnips on animal crossing and just bought a bunch!!! I forgot last sunday rip

[seohoho]

check in tag 🍊Tagged by @kingleedo @plasticflowering, @kimyovngjo & @moonsehyoon (maybe you were interested in the Oneus answers too heh)

why did you choose this URL?

it is Ravn’s essence. lolz low key have wanted to change it for months but the one I want most is taken (not even used, it’s just sitting there!!) 😞

do you have any sideblogs?

this IS a sideblog~ but yes also one more though I’m not active as much @wekii

how long have you been on tumblr?

since 2011... happy tin anniversary to me

do you have a queue tag?

nahhh, if you haven’t noticed sometimes I can leave for weeks and then resume as if nothing happened. Life. It is what it issss.

why did you start this blog in the first place?

I knew I was in it for the long haul with them and since there wasn’t too much Oneus content, I decided to teach myself how to make gifs just so I could see more :).

why did you choose this pfp?

bc look at that fluff. Sunny, my forever Oneus bias. again, I’ve been meaning to change it for months and I just keep forgetting. I’m... very lazy, if you haven’t noticed yet

why did you choose your header?

whipped for hyung line /of course/. once again... I’ve been meaning to change it since the end of Lived era but... #effort

what’s your post with most notes?

the one of them singing No Diggity in close up shots wearing blue! Truly the one set that took me the least amount of time and effort. ahaha

how many mutuals do you have?

I don’t actually know! Wish tumblr would tell you that separately.

how many followers do you have?

677.

following?

178. I tend to follow blogs focused on solely one group. That way my dash is multi but I know 99% of the groups being talked about. Most are inactive I feel tho :/

do you make shit posts?

Any time I make a text post, you could say that

how long do you use tumblr each day?

I mostly use it while at work so instead of being 100% miserable it becomes like 92% miserable. :)) I only have time to scroll though, since I shouldn’t be using my phone. employee of the month~.

did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

Oof no. I don't like arguments. Also this is just tumblr..chill.

how do you feel ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

Not for me. I’ve done a pretty good job of filtering certain phrases like that so I don’t see them often anymore.

do you like tag games?

yes! They’re fun to do and read as well. Does it sometimes take me weeks...months... to do them? Yes. But that’s just me being lazy and forgetful again. But I always appreciate them :’)

do you like ask games?

I’ve never actually rb’d one because I always feel I’m never gonna get asks ahahaha. BUT if I see someone’s on my dash I try to go ask them a couple !

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I’m not sure! Is there such a thing anymore? But just hope everyone gets appreciated like they should

do you have a crush on a mutual?

noo<3 but i'm SO fond of all of you fr fr.

[userpoe]

I was tagged by @fisforfulcrum thanks sweetie 😘

Why did you choose your URL?

I was really getting back into my sequels spin and wanted something short and snappy to change to, but I also wanted it to be connected to Poe in some way. Since all the good Poe urls were taken, on a whim I checked to see if zoriis was available. It was, so I changed to it and it...just sort of became my brand? I don't ever wanna change from it I don't think...unless a really good Poe url opens up anyway, which I doubt. And I get a serious seratonin rush whenever anyone refers to me by my url in the tags idk why.

Any side blogs?

I have my x reader fic blog @luminouspoes where I use to reblog all my recs + post my fics before I decided to move all my bullshit here. I'm also co-mod of @thedamereynetwork because I love my babies.

How long have you been on tumblr?

Since 2011/2012. I didn't really get active on here until late 2013, though.

Do you have a queue tag?

the classic and very original "queue". I use to do the snazzy quotes thing but I can never stick to one for very long. I've debated here and there making a new queue tag, maybe with a sw quote, but eh who has the spoons for that.

Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Initially back when, it was meant to help me with my nonfiction writing. Instead, Tumblr ended up being instrumental in me discovering fanfic and honing my fiction writing craft through that. I remade my blog a shit ton of times as a teenager, though, and the thing that kept me coming back was all the pretty content and my friends. Plus, where else am I gonna be this weird on? Twitter? Hell no.

Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Because I thought the Poe emoji on the Star Wars app was precious. Then, for pride month, I decided to add the aroace flag behind him because well. I'm asexual and dubiously aromantic, and I hc Poe being aspec, so I thought it'd be nice. Did you know his second X-Wing kind of has the same color palette as the aroace flag? It's pretty damn cool still not Black One but cool

Why did you choose your header?

Because @abelmorales and @michaelperry are responsible for me falling head over heels with Michael Perry and I wanted to include (1) soft perfect angel teacher man on my blog somehow fjsjsjskss so soft af flannel clad grading papers Michael it was.

What’s your post with the most notes?

This Poe gifset here, which astonishes me given how many braincells I had to rub together to figure out how to phrase the captions (the irony, I know). I guess we have a thing for competency and forearms in this fandom?

How many mutuals do you have?

A few! Dunno how many dunno how one would know that.

How many follows do you have?

Too many, in my opinion??? There's almost 1.2k of you now and I don't know why you're all here but I appreciate it nonetheless.

How many people do you follow?

Little under 200 and most of those are inactive anymore. I'm pretty picky abt what I follow cos of my anxiety and also idk if you've noticed but most of my interests revolve around shit that's been over for several years. And a lot of blogs are really ship-oriented, and I just...don't vibe with shipping communities so I try to stay on the outskirts of all that.

Also I'm pretty guarded about who I follow due to years of casual aphobia being thrown around this site, and now wariness about how blogs act abt neurodivergent folk and characters

...but if anyone knows of any more active Oscar blogs that are nice abt Poe and the sequels or moffat era dw blogs...please let me know fjdksks my dash is always dead

Have you ever made a shitpost?

With my brand of humor I think most of my jokey posts kind of teeters on it. But I don't think I've ever outright done a shitpost.

How often do you use tumblr each day?

*coughs* pretty often. I'm a slow scroller, so it takes me awhile to get through the dashboard to start with and I also like checking the edit tags and then if I go through a blog I can end up going down a rabbit hole of looking through their posts or their tag about a show or movie or character I like and then whoops where has the time gone. But I'm kind of pulling myself away from scrolling so much on Tumblr, if anything so my dashboard is a little more active when I do hop on, and also so I can get some other hobbies in like writing or reading (working through the second to all the boys book rn!)

Did you have a fight with another blog once?

*laughs my ass off* no. I stick to my lane, if someone posts something that I'm uncomfortable with or I disagree with, I just... unfollow? I'm not interested in vague posting people either, I don't see the damn point. This is my little internet cottage and I don't see the point in fighting the village when I can just ignore them and care for fellow wanderers, ya feel?

Though, come to think of it, I have told off a fair few anonymous asks who were trying to bully my friends or mutuals but. I don't know if we can really count that or not.

How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

[wibbles hand] I think some can veer a little too closely to guilt tripping the readers, but if it's something really important, I understand the urgency.

Do you like tag games?

I do! They're a lot of fun, I just wish I had the spoons more often to do them. I also tend to freak out because I never know who to tag because I'm simultaneously worried I'll be annoying if I do tag someone, and if I forget someone I'll make them feel left out.

Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

First off, Laura's answer to this question is so damn precious I'm going to cry, love you babes. Second of all, I genuinely think all my mutuals are Tumblr famous. Like in my head I'm just like "that person is so fucking awesome oh my god they're so cool I bet they have so many followers they deserve it all their posts are exquisite". I love my mutuals and there's a good chance (see: yes) that if we're mutuals I consider u my friend in my head I'm just too shy to admit it out loud yet jdjdks

Do you have a crush on a mutual?

I literally get hearts in my eyes everytime I go down my dashboard. I am platonically kissing you all on the cheek and giving you cocoa. I love you.

no pressure tags: @bee-dameron @djarinsbeskar @michaelperry @abelmorales @starryeyedstories @misterrimpossible @exlibrisastra and @princedimitris and anyone else I may be blanking on

[smoothshift]

2000 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am - My Ownership Experience via /r/cars

2000 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am - My Ownership Experience

Hello all, I’m bored and home sick right now so I decided to write a review of my ownership of my 2000 Trans Am. A little background on the 4th gen F body real quick. The 4th generation Firebird and camaro began in 1993. You could have the 160 HP 3.4L V6 or the 275 HP LT1 V8. V8 manuals featured the new T56 6 speed transmission. The F bodies were face lifted in 1998, along with new power train options. The 3800 V6, or the legendary LS1 V8. This facelifted V8 era F body are highly sought after and have been going up in value. The official HP rating of the LS1 F bodies is 305-325 with 340-350 lb-ft of torque, but dyno tests on stock vehicles show them making as little as 290 HP to the wheels, indicating that the factory rating is under-rated, most likely to prevent drawing sales away from the Corvette (rated 340-350 HP). From 1998 to 1999, the LS1 had EGR and the original style LS1 intake manifold. In 2000, the exhaust manifolds were redesigned to flow better, increasing the power slightly, then in 2001, EGR was eliminated and the LS6 intake manifold was used, maxing out the factory HP ratings. The cars were killed in 2002 due to difficulty in passing safety regulations (from what I’ve heard).

Now into the actual review. My car is a 2000 Trans Am with the T56 manual transmission. I purchased it in June 2016 at 99k miles for $5800 and it currently sits at a hair under 112k. The car is in bright red and has a black interior. Great combination in my opinion.

As soon as I purchased it, I drove it home for the first time with the window down. Not by choice however, but because I lowered the window briefly and the motor decided to crap out then and there. Welcome to late model GM ownership! I was able to get the window back up the next morning by slamming the door several times while holding the switch, then I ordered new Dorman window motors for both sides for just over $30 each. Replacement took about 3 hours the first time, then 45 minutes for the other side once I knew what to do. The OEM motors are riveted in, and you have to drill them out and use nuts and bolts to replace the rivets. After that, I had 2 working window motors again! I then ordered a set of NGK TR55 spark plugs and MSD super conductor wires. I read up on spark plug change beforehand and read of all the horror stories of replacing plug number 8 (back of the passenger side) due to it being underneath the windshield and crammed between the chassis. I personally had no trouble getting to it. Removal of the air injection pipe and the coil packs on top of the valve cover, and a 1 inch extension on my spark plug socket, while crouching on top of the radiator support, made it easy work.

Working on this car is actually very easy. People like to give this car shit for being cramped, but I did not mind it at all. Then again, I grew up learning how to wrench on a Z32 300ZX! Parts are also fairly cheap, I picked up new OEM ACDelco water pump and alternator for about $100 each, and it also ended up needing a power steering pump for less than that. It also needed tires, so I upgraded to some OEWheelsLLC C7 style 17” wheels and put BFGoodrich Gforce comp2 all season 275/40ZR17 tires on. It made a huge difference over the no name 245 tires it had previously. Stock tire size is adequate for the V6, but the LS1 is a little overwhelming for them, and a 275 upgrade is necessary for the V8s. The WS6 did come with 275 in the rear only, but not the Trans Am or Formula. My car has the upgraded “Monsoon” sound system. It sucks. 3/6 speakers are blown and I have to keep the bass on zero just to make it usable. I don’t care though, I have a Borla sound system!

That takes me to the exhaust. The LS1 is entirely different from the original small block chevy and shares maybe 1 bolt with it. It doesn’t have the old school deep grumble glugluglugluglugluglug you expect from a 5.7L American V8. Instead, the even firing order gives it a much more steady, and modern growl that turns into almost a roar as you go through the RPM. I’ve never heard stock exhaust on this car, so I can’t comment on that, but I’m talking about how it sounds with my rather aggressive Borla. It is only a catback, it has stock headers and cats and Y pipe. And honestly, the sound it has now is almost perfect. It’s not too loud but it’s loud enough that it makes you giggle. Any louder and it would be too annoying.

The interior of the car feels like sitting in a fisher-price toy. It’s all hard cheap plastic. The seats are leather but they ripped on mine, hence the seat covers. I find the seats particularly uncomfortable, and usually can’t stand driving the car for more than 30 minutes at a time without needing to get out and stretch. The back of the seat curves towards the back and puts you at a slouching angle. Side bolsters are ok, but they don’t really hold you in too great, I find myself bracing my leg against the sides to keep me in place around fast turns. I think the black interior looks cool, but in any other color it looks ugly and has an inescapable “old car” look.

As far as issues with the car, well I’ve already addressed the window motors, by far the most common issue. Another issue that everyone is always asking about: the headlight motors. Well I hate to disappoint you, but my headlight motors have worked 100% since I got the car and I’ve never even had a single hiccup with them. The T tops leak, as you can imagine. My car has new T top seals but that doesn’t matter, it’s inevitable. They did it when the cars were brand new. If I’m stopped in the rain it will drip on the door a little bit, but it stops once you start moving and the rain doesn’t hit on top of the car. I dealt with a power steering leak that appeared to be coming from the pump, so I replaced the pump and then experienced more leakage a few months later. It began as a single drip every few days, to topping off the fluid every other week, and I finally realized that something may be wrong when I was leaving trails (yes, trails) of power steering fluid everywhere I went. I was topping it off before every drive, and it would be bone dry every time I filled it. It turned out to be a $15 high pressure hose. I replaced that this fall and haven’t had a leak since then.

Now onto the performance. Yes it’s fast. LS1s in a 3400 pound car tend to do that. Now I’m sure we’ve all heard the old “American cars can’t handle!” Well, you’re dead wrong. The only suspension modifications I’ve done apart from the tires were polyurethane sway bar end links, and UMI performance rear control arms to eliminate wheel hop (not really even a handling mod). It can take highway ramps at 55+ mph without breaking a sweat. Now there is some truth to that old saying. I’ve driven my friend’s 2002 Mustang GT and it handles like a sack of potatoes. But the F bodies sit a little lower than the mustangs and have a better suspension setup with SLA strut up front as opposed to the mustang’s modified MacPherson struts, and a 50/50 weight distribution. And with a square stance 275 tires on all 4 corners, it stops on a dime. Now, the brake pedal does take some encouragement, it’s got good bite but there’s a dead zone in the travel where it doesn’t do much. I chalk it up to the rubber hoses flexing, and I think steel braided hose would solve that, as it did on my 1990 Chevy K2500. But if you slam that brake, you’re gonna have seatbelt marks on your chest. I have never been able to engage the ABS on dry pavement.

My overall score for the car is 4.5/5. The only things I don’t like about the car are in the interior. Cheap hard plastic, and slouchy uncomfortable seats. Other than that, it’s a fantastic car and I love it. It’s fast, it’s loud, and it’s definitely a head-turner in that bright red color! I’ve had plenty of men in their 50s-60s give me the thumbs up or ask me if it’s got “the 350” in it. It gets surprisingly very good gas mileage. I get close to, if not, 30 mpg on the PA turnpike. With these aerodynamics, and a 6th gear ratio of .5:1 (~1500 RPM at 70 mph) it makes sense. There’s an unlimited aftermarket to allow you to turn this thing into a street cruiser, dragster, or autocrosser. These cars have so much performance potential for the money.

The car is for sale in NJ if anyone is interested feel free to message me.

[racingtoaredlight]

Another RTARL way too soon NFL first round mock draft 2017

It’s NFL Draft season! Next weekend will be dominated by the NFL Combine, which would be dominated by the troops if they all showed up but will instead be just a bunch of football players hanging out in shorts and t-shirts. I thought it would be fun* to do another mock draft now before the disappointments and surprises that the combine often affords.

I had this whole thing about punching strict Constitutionalists worked out in my head but I lost the urgency of that feeling. This would have been the header image for that post. Forget you ever read this if I get around to doing that post.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Myles Garrett knows what I’m talking about. He’ll be punching Consitutionalists on the reg in Cleveland. Both on the field and, if he’s truly heroic, off the field. But I swear I’m not writing about that now. Just doing an awesome mock draft about all of the awesome matchups that I come up with based on sources** that are proprietary to RTARL. I’m drafting based on perceived team needs and will take credit for direct hits: if I get the right player to the right team, if I get the correct position, if the player drafted is from the same college as the one in the same position on my draft, if the players share a first or last name, if the team drafting is the one I have listed, if there is a trade.

1  Cleveland Browns

Myles Garrett, DL, Texas A&M

He’s the best player and the Browns need everything. It’s sad that he will spend all of his career battling injuries but such is the lot of a Browns.

2  San Francisco 49ers

Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson

The 49ers will have zero QBs under contract once Colin Kaepernick opts out of his contract (why is that happening, by the way? He won’t get as much money and he won’t start anywhere else.) Watson doesn’t really strike me as an NFL star but I don’t think that even matters at this point for the 49ers. If he can be soul crushingly boring like Alex Smith that’s good enough.

3  Chicago Bears

Jonathan Allen, DL, Alabama

The going theory among people that, no shit, make a living writing about the NFL Draft is that Allen is going to drop closer to the tenth pick. The Bears suck all over and I’m just sticking him here because I forget what they really should do.

4 Jacksonville Jaguars

Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU

The hottest thing in draft blogging is to overvalue Dalvin Cook. I may be blinded by how much I hate Dalvin Cook but I really think his medical profile is going to be a lot worse than people realize. Well, shit, I guess that’s a possibility for Fournette, too. What the fuck ever, it’s the Jaguars.

5 Tennessee Titans

Mike Williams, WR, Clemson

I think the way Williams plays works pretty well with the way Marcus Mariota plays and he’ll be a 100-catch machine in no time.

6  New York Jets

Patrick Mahomes, QB, Texas Tech

From what I’ve seen Mahomes is the consensus fourth QB in the draft but he’s got the best arm and he’s got, in my eyes, the best chance to be a huge bust. If that isn’t a Jets player I don’t know what is.

7  Los Angeles Chargers

Jamal Adams, DB, LSU

If Adams is as good as his recent press then this is the best pick in the draft. I can’t wait to buy a last minute ticket to watch him in front of 20,000 other slightly invested fans playing on a field built for boxing.

8  Carolina Panthers

Corey Davis, WR, Western Michigan

I’m 95% certain the Panthers will not pick a receiver here but it seems like a good fit to me and all I keep hearing about is how shitty the OL prospects are for this draft.

9  Cincinnati Bengals

Malik McDowell, DL, Michigan State

Huge, insanely athletic, maybe not always motivated but awesome when he is. This is a Bengals if ever there was a Bengals.

10  Buffalo Bills

David Njoku, TE, Miami

I’m gonna level with you: I have no idea what any team actually needs. Playing in Buffalo the Bills should just have a bunch of TEs and run some version of the Run & Shoot that involves 5 TEs on the field at all times. Njoku could totally be the Haywood Jeffires of that arrangement.

11  New Orleans Saints

Reuben Foster, LB, Alabama

Back in the late 80s and early 90s the Saints had the best collection of LBs of any team in the NFL and that seems impossible based on every other era in team history. Foster is getting hype that makes me imagine him fitting in with Rickey Jackson, Sam Mills, and Pat Swilling. Is he that good? Who the fuck knows. Aaron Curry was supposed to be the safest pick in NFL history and he sucked horribly.

12  Cleveland Browns

DeShone Kizer, QB, Notre Dame

Kizer is way too good to be held down by the screaming murderer in charge of Notre Dame to hold him down any longer. Hue Jackson will get the most out of him.

13  Arizona Cardinals

Garrett Bolles, OL, Utah

He’s already old which fits in with what the Cardinals are doing as a team.

14 Indianapolis Colts

Forrest Lamp, OL, Western Kentucky

This might actually be the Eagles pick. It’s going to be decided by a coin flip. I like putting Forrest Lamp here because he has a good name and I wanted to write it. The Colts are an Andrew Luck injury away from complete disaster so an OL pick seems likely.

15  Philadelphia Eagles 

Dalvin Cook, RB, FSU

Cook and Wentz can be 8-8 together for years to come.

16  Baltimore Ravens

Marshon Lattimore, CB, Ohio State

I’m totally just pulling names out of the air right now. It seems crazy that there would be no CBs picked until 16 but I didn’t have an OL go until 13. That isn’t happening.

17  Washington Redskins

Quincy Wilson, CB, Florida

Washington needs to find a QB of the future but there isn’t anybody left to rate this highly.

18  Tennessee Titans

Cam Robinson, OL, Alabama

This makes sense, right?

19  Tampa Bay Buccaneers

O.J. Howard, TE, Alabama

Remember that year the Jets and Giants both wasted first round picks on shitty tight ends? Howard reminds me of Derek Brown.

20  Denver Broncos

Ryan Ramczyk, OL, Wisconsin

I think Ramczyk is having hip surgery but the Broncos are taking an OL in the first round come hell or high water and this is the name that stood out to me from the list of names I was looking at as I wrote this.

21  Detroit Lions

Takkarist McKinley, LB, UCLA

I wanted to give the Lions something nice and I think McKinley is a star.

22  Miami Dolphins

Zach Cunningham, LB, Vanderbilt

The Dolphins seem like the flukiest team in the league and I don’t remember them being very good anywhere but on the defensive line. I might not even be correct about that.

23  New York Giants

John Ross, WR, Washington

Ross could be a great deep threat opposite ODB’s greatness and if they can stay healthy the two of them together could really help the first pick in the 2018 NFL Draft. Is this a good pick or something the Giants would actually do? Probably not. I’m not good at predicting.

24  Oakland Raiders

Soloman Thomas, DL, Stanford

The Raiders need a ton of help on defense and this is theoretically the best draft in a long time to address that side of the ball. Thomas is a top-10 level talent but I think there’s such a glut of front 7 talent that a lot of those guys are going to fall quite a bit.

25  Houston Texans

Budda Baker, S, Washington

I listened to some podcast about the draft that had the Texans taking a QB here and I laughed at the idea of an NFL team being willing to admit so quickly how badly they planned last season. Those same guys described every pick as an interesting situation and made Budda Baker seem like the second coming of Ed Reed. So I’m stealing part of their jive.

26  Seattle Seahawks

Antonio Garcia, OL, Troy

Everybody on the planet expects the Seahawks to draft an OL and then not know how to develop him. I’m picking names out of a hat when it comes to OL guys here, if you weren’t aware.

27  Kansas City Chiefs

Christian McCaffrey, RB, Stanford

I haven’t seen anybody put McCaffrey here but it seems like an awesome fit to me. Andy Reid could put him to good use all over the field.

28  Dallas Cowboys

Haason Redick, EDGE (!!!), Temple

Last year the Cowboys got all of my pre-draft favorites so I’m gonna make that continue and give them one of my favorite players in this draft. Redick is a preposterous athlete who came to college as a cornerback and then grew into a defensive lineman. He’ll probably be more of a linebacker in the pros but he should be a total nightmare in the best of ways wherever he lines up.

29  Green Bay Packers

Teez Tabor, CB, Florida

I listen to / read way too much online scouting. Tabor isn’t falling this far.

30  Pittsburgh Steelers

Jordan Willis, DE, Kansas State

The Steelers also grab a lot of the guys I really like. Year after year they do that, actually, and they mostly don’t end up as good as I expected. Willis is like the platonic ideal of a pass rushing end so expect him to turn into a linebacker somehow in Pittsburgh and get a bunch of sacks in 2021 on his way to a crazy contract in Jacksonville before he gets cut a year later.

31  Atlanta Falcons

Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan

Good lord there are too many good pass rushers in this draft. I don’t see any consensus yet on which ones stack up where but I do know that I don’t really like Charlton as anything more than a space killer in the NFL. He’s big enough and strong enough to not be a sinkhole but I don’t trust him to rack up stats, either. Atlanta needs some guys like this.

32  New England Patriots

Corn Elder, CB, Miami

I have every bit of confidence that Corn is going to come out of the combine with a lot more fans in draft world than he has now. It’s not like he’s a low-rated player but he’s going to test a lot faster than people realize. Did I just make it through the first round without about 20 players that I think should be first rounders? Yes I did.

* stabbing yourself in the eye with a protractor is similarly fun if you’re looking for things to do today

** other mock drafts

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