#also: head and butt are the same in the bread species

[art-of-mathematics]

Easy: Bread head - what else?

[laviexenrose]

𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒷𝒶𝓈𝒾𝒸𝓈

NAME: isabelle marie allard NICKNAME(S): is, izzy, belle AGE: most verses - age 29 SPECIES: human

𝓅𝑒𝓇𝓈𝑜𝓃𝒶𝓁

MORALITY: lawful / neutral / chaotic || good /  gray / evil  RELIGIOUS BELIEF: born-again christian  VIRTUES: chastity / charity / diligence / humility / kindness / patience / justice (all of them lol) PRIMARY GOALS IN LIFE: spreading as much good and love to humanity as possible (through her wealth) but also getting married and having a family  LANGUAGES KNOWN: french, english, spanish, italian, some portuguese  SECRETS: not exactly a deep dark secret per say but isabelle won’t go around telling everybody she’s well-off; and if anything, it's more like there’s secrets being kept from her asdfdjf QUIRKS: doesn’t need lots of sleep, 5 hours is good. detail-oriented !! super organized with labels and everything. remembers important, significant dates but also the most random events in her life and some history ones too. i don’t want to say she has a photographic memory but she can read things pretty fast and then recall them, sometimes verbatim, later on. that helps/helped so much when she is/was doing her studies aka she’s a super nerd.  SAVVIES: knows probably way too much about plants, like the medicinal properties and which can be consumed or not - but i think based on that alone she has a pretty good chance of survival, if she were stranded in the woods or something. maybe not.

𝓅𝒽𝓎𝓈𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓁

BUILD: slender / scrawny / bony / fit / athletic / herculean / babyfat / pudgy / obese / other   HEIGHT: 5′4″ SCARS/BIRTHMARKS: no scars but she has a small, circular pigmented birthmark on her lower abdomen, left side, just above her hip. she has freckles too but they’re not very noticeable unless you’re up close and personal ABILITIES/POWERS: N/A RESTRICTIONS: trusts too easily. always patient, even when she’s frustrated. wants to believe everyone has good/can be good??

𝒻𝒶𝓋𝑜𝓊𝓇𝒾𝓉𝑒𝓈

FAVOURITE FOOD: bread, cheese, chocolate - what else do you need? FAVORITE DRINK: raspberry tea, lightly sweet FAVOURITE PIZZA TOPPING: cheese  FAVOURITE COLOR: technically pink but not bright or light, it’s like a rusty rose  FAVOURITE MUSIC GENRE: classical FAVOURITE BOOK GENRE:  historical and/or romance FAVOURITE MOVIE GENRE: doesn’t watch many movies but if i had to guess it’d be the same as the book genres  FAVOURITE SEASON: spring  FAVOURITE BUTT TYPE: doesn’t have one? haha i’m crying FAVOURITE CURSE WORD: does not curse, ever !! there was like one time in a thread, and it was in french but it's very very VERY rare if it happens  FAVOURITE SCENT: vanilla, honeysuckle or just anything floral 

𝒻𝓊𝓃 𝓈𝓉𝓊𝒻𝒻

BOTTOM OR TOP: this one’s too obvious  LOUD BURPER OR SOFT BURPER: okay but just imagine isabelle loudly burping? lol !! she’d still be rlly cute about it, but she does it softly when she does, of course  SINGS IN THE SHOWER: maybe not like full on, powerhouse singing but humming some words or lyrics that are stuck in her head LIKES BAD PUNS: yes! laughs at anything punny, whether it’s good or bad THEIR OPINION ON THE MUN: i probably remind her of her grandmother, for being a cruel and wicked woman. i’m horrible, especially to her. i can’t imagine why she would like me v much XD

TAGGED BY: @honorhearted

TAGGING: @xbless-this-broken-roadx , @ericbrandonrp  , @kit-just-kit  , @lavishbylaw , @marimelwrites ( do jameson pls + for any muse of yours you want ♡ ) , @richardxoliverxmayhew , @secretscost ( for ethan or zander! or anyone you feel like doing:) ) , @skyler-bane , @wintcrstcrfall ( tagged for matthew but honestly anyone you’d like to do! ♡ ) , @withinkandquill ( for anyone else you wanna do !! ), @wynterlanding​

[kokoandalfi]

The budgie story

So these are the four bugdies I originally had.

Left Voldi, the blue guy was Krawalli and you already know Schantal und Oregano.

Their story is a sad one but has to be told so someone might learn from it.

It all started when a girl who once was in my class found a small yellow budgie in the woods while she was taking her horse for a walk. That bidgie was Schantal. And what would be the smart thing to do when you find a lost pet? Buy three more of the same species and keep them in a horse stable of course!

So some time went by and my girlfriend who at the time was still working at the horse range found out about this. She approached me knowing that I used to have budgies. So I went there to check out the situation.

It was incredible. I have no pictures of the horse box in which they were kept but you can think of it like this. The room was about two square meters big, always open to draft and possibly freezing in winter. The air was extremly dusty and contained all kind of feces since they were sharing the place with not only horses but beneath them there were also a bunch of guinea pigs and rabbits. The budgies had one perch to sit on and one dusty window as a source of light. They had only cheap seeds and bread to eat and that on an irregular basis (since their „owners“ don‘t live at the range) and only dirty water which sometimes wasn‘t even filled up. I don’t even have to tell you that they were scared out of their mind. Never even chirping or enganging in any social behavior other than attacking each other because of lack of space. I knew they wouldn’t live long if they could even make it through the first winter.

So the next time I got there I tried to convince the girl that the way they were keeping those little fragile birds was in no way a possibility and that she should give them to me or there would be other consequences. She was not at all seeing my point saying that the place where she got the other budgies didn’t have much more space and that there were much more budgies in there. (Were I live there are lots of people who breed budgies or finches as a hobby who don’t know anything about how to keep them and only want to make money with them.) After some discussion she eventually said if I could catch them, I could have them thinking that I wouldn’t be able to since they were so afraid of humans. It didn’t take long for me to get them since I knew how to handle them and those four were barely able to fly.

Bringing them back to their breeder wouldn’t make their lifes much better I thought so I brought them home. I bought them better food and toys and let them explore their new environment at their pace. At first they were to afraid to interact with anything. Only eating and drinking and flying around a bit. I soon found out that some of them enjoyed baths and music. (A bath after they moved in was so necessary. The dirt was in their feathers and for the first month or so they smelled like horses and you could see at their noses that they were breathing dirt.)

I figured that they would probably never trust humans much but after about a year they started to at least not be scared anymore when someone would enter the room and they started singing and screaming and I couldn’t be happier. But their health still isn‘t the best. I tried feeding them fruits and veggies but in the beginning they were so scared of it that they would rather starve themselves than try it. I got around it by putting some finely chopped veggies over their seeds. But they still don’t even want to be near a leaf of salad or something like that.

Sadly possibly due to their hard past or because they were bred poorly Voldi and Krawalli didn’t get to be around for long. It’s so heartbreaking since they were such good little fluffy butts and they were just starting to do alright and developing personalities. But there was nothing more that I could have done.

It just helps knowing that they had a better life under my care. And Schantal and Oregano are still about screaming their heads of every morning and evening and chirping along to 80‘s music. Maybe I will look into adopting some other birds who need help. But I don’t know if I‘m ready yet. Or if the girls are ready either.

I guess the moral of the story is that our world is unkind to small animals who don’t have a voice. Please inform yourselves before buying a pet. And please consider adopting a pet rather than buying one.

[creationtherpg]

[not for use in DnD, or any game outside of the Creation TTRPG] Short version of the Centaur species guide. A more in depth version will come out eventually, and will likely be 50-100~ pages long, going into history, fashion, culture, sex, gender, and other aspects of the Centaur species.

Centaurs are the half animal, half human people who typically live deep in the mountain forests where they will not be bothered. Movement 40ft lateral, 5 feet vertical.

Age and Culture: Centaurs live roughly 200 years. Centaurs are very casual about sex, and aphrodisiacs are a staple in their diet. They prefer to live far away from humans after the Great War, wherein they suffered heavy losses in their culture and population due to humans. This has also lead to a general mistrust of most other species, excluding Dryads, Centaurs, Elf, and Trolde. Clothing is uncommon, but some will wear chest coverings either due to breasts or easy coldness.

Appearance: Centaurs have the upper torso of a human stuck on top of a horse’s body where the head and neck should be. They are almost always hairy, with the exception of a few variants, and are typically anywhere from 8 to 10 feet tall. Some have antlers that look like a mix between deer’s antlers and coral, while others have curling, goat-like horns. All have horse-like ears, and their hair grows along their spine from their scalp.

Interesting Anatomy: Centaurs have horns and hooves, which can be used to kick your whimpy little 4 limbed butt. The hooves deal 2d6 bludgeoning damage, and the horns do 4d3 slashing or bludgeoning damage, depending on the type. They also have mobile ears that resemble a horse. This gives you a plus +2 to Hearing based Sense rolls.

Natural Mount: As a centaur, you are part horse and can carry supplies and people the same way they can, but any burden over 190 pounds halves your movement. You also have a +2 to Prowess.

Solitary Creatures: Centaurs live isolated from most other species. Take a -2 to Charm rolls when interacting with Species other than Dryads, Centaurs, Elf, or Trolde, and with classes other than Hermits.

Sight: Your sight is (movement + plus half your observant skill = sight range)

Rest: You can take a snooze (2-4 hours) or a nights sleep (6-9 hours).

Morality: Tend towards the natrual column

Names: Chiron, Nessus, Pholus, Sajacks, Elatus, Eurytion, Hylaeus, Latreus, Oreus, Oreius Rhaecus, Cyllerus, Polkan, Firenze, Bane, Magorian, Ronan, Apis, Dantares, Gadfort, Jaro, Pellus, Varios, Pai, Endeis, Hippe, Melanippe, Euippe, Ocyrhoe, Carystus, Hylonome, Cybel, Mae

Languages: Centaur, Dryadic

Rations: Centaurs eat more food than most species. As such, their rations are bigger. Centaur meals consist of a half a loaf of black bread, a pouch of dried figs, a small box of goat cheese, a small pouch of preserved olives, three bars of pasteli, two teganites, two honeycombs, a perserved artichoke, and a small pouch of preserved vegetables. A Centaur’s daily rations consist of a loaf of black bread, a pouch of dried figs, a box of goat cheese, a pouch of preserved olives, six bars of pasteli, four teganites, three honeycombs, a pouch of preserved vegetables, three perserved or hard boiled eggs, two smoked fish, 2 perserved artichokes, a small pouch of satirio, and a small box of truffle mushrooms.

[allofbeercom]

5 Sex Inventions By People Who Clearly Haven’t Had Sex

Sex. The final fucktier. These are the voyages of the pork cannon Enter Thighs. Its lifelong mission: to explore strange new orifices, to seek out new positions and new depravities. To boldly cum where no one has cum before. Ahh-aahh-aahh-aahhh-ahhh-ahh-ahhhh!!

Fact: Humans like to poke stuff. We poke dead bodies with sticks, we poke the dog when it’s asleep, and we poke each other whenever we get the go ahead from the pokee. But we also recognize, as a species, that poking ain’t always an option. As a species, we have turned to pumpkins, warm bread, modest-sized cucumbers, Fleshlights and, at long last, machines. But where is this poke revolution taking us? Are we doomed to be libidinous Icari, forever humping too close to the sun? It seems like that may be so with what is on the way. And the natural conclusion of our desires may be more harrowing than you ever imagined! Ahh-aahh-aahh-aahhh-ahhh-ahh-ahhhh!!

5

The Blow Bot

Let’s start simple: blowies. Do you like blowies? Sure you do. Statistics say 105 percent of people are on board with playing the ham flute these days, it’s really come a long way. Good PR is my guess. So good.

Indiegogo

Aaaah!

In our thirsty, thirsty quest to gain easier access to blowjobs, we’ve come to the unspoken conclusions that less is more. And by less, I mean fewer humans and by more, I mean more random dick-sized holes. The Fleshlight has admirably proved this theory for me, boasting sales of over 12 million units. Now sure, there are billions of schlongs in the world, but 12 million holes to stick your dick in is no small feat. So maybe it’s no surprise then that a robotics firm started a campaign to fund what for all intents and purposes is an ottoman that will suck you off.

Indiegogo

Aaaah!

The Service Droid 1.0, once you remove its hair and parka, is a flappy footstool and terrifyingly utilitarian slurp Sherpa. And yet, with a little window dressing, it goes from diamond-plated stool you’d use when trying on new shoes to a fairly convincing rendition of a repetitive-stress injury waiting to happen.

Indiegogo

AAAAHHH!

Why does such a machine exist? The non-judgmental answer is that getting your dinky doodled feels good. Men, by and large, enjoy such a thing. But it’s very hard to do it to one’s self without falling off the couch and hurting your neck, and for a good number of men it’s not all that easy to find someone to do it for you when and where you’d like it done. And when it comes to enjoying a nice duck l’orange, if you can’t do it yourself, you may have to go without if there are no chefs around. But when it comes to the dick l’oral, if the tech exists to have it done for you, why the hell not*?

*At some point in time, the answer to “why the hell not?” must necessarily be “because eew.” This machine is dangerously close to that. It’s furniture, for God’s sake. If artificial suckulations become such a part of your life that you need to rearrange other furnishings and/or dust them regularly, that may be an issue. But it also demonstrates that maybe you’re looking for something more …

4

Holographic Wives

Let me start by acknowledging that while you can’t actually jam your little squish fiddle into a hologram, there’s something to be said for the level of intimacy this thing provides for you. Well, not for you, but definitely for the sort of person who wants to invest in a hologram wife. This is the next step after blowies are secured — a sense of togetherness.

The video demo shows a several-inch-tall, blue-haired anime girl inside the holo-wife Keurig waking her man up, texting him messages throughout the day, turning the lights on before he gets home, and watching TV with him at night. It’s pretty much the physical embodiment of the most depressing thing you’ve ever masturbated to, amped up by a factor of “fuck my life.”

The commercial for this $2600 companion wants to sell you on the idea that it’s like having that special someone, and that you’ll be in a relationship where someone cares how your day went and when you’ll be home. Jerking off while this thing watches must always end in tears, and that’s OK. She’ll probably tell you so. Because that’s what you paid for. Or at least it’s what the people who buy these think they want …

3

The No Sex Bot

It turns out, what you want isn’t just non-stop head bobbing and incessant texts. I need you to get some hand sanitizer before you read this section, or at the very least, a basin of warm water and a bit of soap. This will be vital in a few moments. Please do so now.

I assume you are now prepared to learn about Pepper, a socially interactive robot designed to be your little round-domed cyber buddy. Pepper is meant to converse with you, recognize your moods and react to them, and be kind of like Webster — just a short-ass widget who lives in your house and is more or less a friend. Also like Webster, it’s child sized. Is your basin of water still warm? I hope so.

As part of the contract one must sign to obtain their very own Pepper bot, you have to agree to not fuck it. There’s a no-fucking clause. Imagine, for a moment, going to the store to grab a nice bit of corn for dinner, and the cashier, before ringing you up, makes you sign off on a “do not stick your corn in your ass” stipulation. Now imagine why management had to ask you to sign that in the first place. It’s because management was pretty sure, based on research, you were going to fuck the cob out of that corn.

Pepper, we must assume, was going to be fucked. They were certainly worried it was going to be fucked. And, in fact, some people wrote some programming up to make the display on Pepper’s chest turn into boobs that you could then grope. They literally called it a sexual harassment interface.

Bedroom eyes.

So people wanted to pork Pepper. Little, child-sized, Small Wonder-esque Pepper. And the first perv program was a sexual harassment one where you grope Pepper and Pepper actively tries to stop you from groping it and would, after extensive groping, take a photo of you and post it to social media. Are you trying to sanitize your brain yet? Feel free to start.

So what does this wrinkle in the plan prove? You want to have sex with robots and yet you want them to not want to have sex with you? What could that mean? That the world is terrible? Yes. Extremely yes.

2

The Romantic Bots

People want sexbots that are multifaceted. Sure, a sexbot can be fun in the same way those VR headsets you put your phone in can be fun. Which is to say a minor distraction for a solid 15 minutes. But then what? Imagine yourself in bed, $5000 or so worth of synthetic flesh beneath you. You’re grunting ever so slightly as marble eyes stare through you and various body parts warmed by hot water slowly cool down in a way that, if you think too hard about it, will make you feel like you’re actively fucking a corpse with really nice hair. You jigger and thrust your goodies against its lifeless yet adequate loins until you release a brief spray of satisfaction and dignity, then roll over and use a baby wipe to clean off the residue so that it’s not a flakey mess the next time you get this lonely. Is this your life?

“Do you not love me, Ian? Do you not wish to know heaven and hell simultaneously?”

Enter Sergi Santos and I use the word “enter” boldly. Santos has created a doll that responds to your advances and requires finesse. You need to charm her. Woo her. Make her one of us. Samantha, as she’s called, needs that soft touch. You have to hold her hand. Kiss her. Get her in the mood and then, once she’s there, she’ll respond to your hard work by having an orgasm. I guess. I mean, that’s what the press says. Looks like a dead-eyed rubber fish to me, but I haven’t taken it for a spin so I wouldn’t know. I’m a few rungs down the ladder from respectable but I’m not “try to make a doll get off” miserable.

“I have seen us, Ian. I have seen pain and I have seen us. And the line, it is blurred, my darling.”

Elsewhere in the world of dick mittens is Harmony, touted as the first AI sex bot. Watch this and marvel as your snickerdoodle makes an audible whistle from how fast it retracts in fear.

Harmony is supposed to recognize your face, your voice and your desires according to the schtick here. The first two require what is now some fairly commonplace technology. That third one is just some weird-ass shit that probably means if you put a finger in her rubber butt ten times in a row, she’ll ask you if you want to do it in advance the 11th time. It’s how I do it and I’m real as shit.

There are plenty of articles online saying AI is the future of sex robots, so this must be where we’re heading, right? And once we get there, what happens?

1

The Robo Wedding

Naturally, once you’ve found a special someone, you’re going to want to take that next step, even if your special someone is incapable of locomotion and the next step involves crating them up and having them moved to a new location. Such is the case with Zheng Jiajia, a 31-year-old man who decided to tie the knot with his Sausage Socket.

What goes on at a sex robot wedding? The typical sort of thing — family is in attendance, there’s a nice location, your bride is made of latex. But more importantly, why is such a thing happening? According to Zheng, he was frustrated at not being able to find a woman. And sure, that happens. Many people have had that period of being so frustratingly single that you start to wonder if maybe you emit a curious odor that’s a cross between a foot and a foot’s asshole. Zheng just used his engineering skills to overcome that issue.

Smelling like poop foot is really hot among robots nowadays, thank you very much.

Man, look how far we’ve come. We have a realistic blowjob bot with hair you can style and realistic movement and off-putting suction that can be adjusted by jamming a finger in what amounts to a porno trach tube. We follow up the physical with the emotional — a holographic wife who reminds us to take an umbrella and sends us messages throughout the day to remind us they’re at home waiting. And then we get the curve ball, a robot designed specifically not for sex, a companion that, even when hacked to become sexual, is hacked in such a way that the sexual advances are unwanted. And then finally a doll that isn’t just a squish mitten, but one that requires you to put in effort. You need to seduce it. Now just connect the dots.

“Put in the effort, Ian. I will take you to a genital paradise and then tear up our only map.”

You have form and function. You have depth and emotion. You have personality and independence. You have desire and encouragement. What you have, fellow humpatheletes, is a direct path towards humanity. In the future, we’re going to want to bang other humans.

The logical conclusion of all of these technical innovations is that people want to have sex with people. You want someone who can actually communicate with you, and who actually has their own perspective and point of view. It’s the only thing that makes sense. And it may be totally subconscious but that’s what all of these products are saying. One day, maybe long from now, we’re going to be porking each other instead of rubber slosh pockets. Ain’t that something?

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-sex-inventions-by-people-who-clearly-havent-had-sex/